#(so we had to cram all of our stuff in my grandma's house next door)

[soulmatesclub]

i wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want is amazingphil's japhan 2023 instagram photo dump

[hermannsthumb]

Could you please write #43 grandparents/neighbors one?

43. we’re having our family meal at my grandparents’ house this year so fingers crossed your parents still live next door and you grew up to be even hotter

from winter writing prompts here

oh god this one got so long. sorry everyone! thank you to @k-sci-janitor for the alien bit because it was so fucking funny

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Holidays have gotten a little weird to manage since Newt transformed into a fully-fledged adult with an apartment and a job and stuff, so while he hasn’t made it to the big Geiszler celebration in Germany every December since starting college out of elementary school, he still tries to make a point of dropping by his dad’s for dinner and a movie or something to fill his holiday quota. It’s fine by him; he loves his family, but they’re definitely overwhelming, and trying to submit final grades and work on syllabuses for the next semester all while distant relatives ruffle his hair and ask him when he’s going to hit his growth spurt is not his idea of a relaxing time. It’s a constant point of contention between him and his dad. This year more than most, apparently.

“Your grandmother misses you!” he tells Newt sadly over their Chinese takeout. “She calls me every week to ask how you are, and why you never visit with them. Every week.” He waves a fork at Newt. “You’re breaking her heart.”

“I’m in the lab, like, twenty-four-seven, dad,” Newt sighs. It’s a well-rehearsed conversation at this point, but it doesn’t get any less tiresome. Especially because he knows his dad is lying about the phone call thing—Newt is a great grandson and texts his grandmother plenty, thank you very much, he would know if he was breaking her heart. “I’m working straight through winter break this year. Seriously.”

“That’s what you did last year,” Newt’s dad says. “And the year before that…” Newt turns the volume up on the TV to cut his dad off before he can segue into the next part of his argument, which is (usually) that Newt needs to work on his personal life, maybe settle down, produce some grandkids of his own. Or at least adopt a cat. Also well-rehearsed.

He’s not sure why he says what he does next—maybe in a desperate attempt to distract his dad further. Maybe because of the sudden onslaught of childhood memories the mention of his grandparents’ house brought on. “Hey, do you remember that boy who used to live next door to grandma?” he says. “He had the weird haircut and always dressed kind of funny?” Old-fashioned, and a little too formal for the sort of things that little kids tend to do, climbing trees or playing in the mud—sweatervests and polished loafers and starched-white knee-highs.

Newt’s dad blinks at him. Newt half expects him to declare that Newt is nuts, and that he has no idea what he’s talking about, like this is one of those horror stories where the childhood friend turns out to be some ghost who died fifty years prior. The clothing would match up, he guesses. But he smiles in recognition a moment later. “You mean the Gottlieb boy?” he says.

“Gottlieb,” Newt echoes. It sounds familiar enough. “Hermann, I think. When I’d stay with grandma for the summer we would play together every day. I wonder what he’s doing now.” Hermann was a smart guy, a real geek like Newt; he used to carry a graphing calculator around in his pocket and build the most goddamn pristine model spacecrafts Newt had ever seen. Hermann’s dad shipped him off to a prestigious boarding school the last summer Newt spent there, when they were around twelve or so. Newt started at MIT not long after. “Dude’s probably designing rocket ships by now or something.”

“You could ask him yourself if you came with me,” Newt’s dad laughs. “The Gottliebs never moved away, and their children actually visit. I’m sure your Hermann visits, too.”

“Ha,” Newt says. “Yeah.”

It’s snowing by the time Newt and his dad finish their movie, and Newt (fearing his dad’s driving even in ideal conditions) declines the offer of a lift home to trudge his way through it to his T stop instead. It’s nice to have the chance to be alone with his thoughts, anyway, because he can’t seem to get funny little Hermann Gottlieb out of his head. What is he doing now?

A quick Facebook search on the train produces a few Hermann Gottliebs, but none of them promising—none of them have the brown eyes or strangely angular face (devoid of any baby fat even that young) Newt remembers, none of them are from the right German countryside, none of them went to a preppy English boarding school. Google (utilizing the information Newt does have) is a little more rewarding, and by the time Newt presses the button to request his stop, he’s scrounged up a decent amount of info: Hermann Gottlieb has a doctorate in astrophysics, Hermann Gottlieb publishes papers at a slightly terrifying rate, and Hermann Gottlieb turned out kinda hot.

As Newt stares down at a slightly grainy current photograph of his old friend—haircut and clothing unchanged, a cane in hand, some round librarian glasses perched on the end of his nose, wide mouth twisted into a scowl—he suddenly recalls another thing about Hermann Gottlieb: the summer Hermann was sent away to boarding school was the summer that Hermann kissed Newt goodbye, shyly and tearfully, under the shade of the tall maple tree in his yard. It was the last time Newt ever saw Hermann. It was Newt’s first kiss.

“Oh, boy,” Newt says.

He texts his dad when he gets back to his apartment. When do we leave?

Newt feels like the belle of the fucking ball when he steps into his grandparents’ house a week later, snow dusting his shoulders, small suitcase clenched in his hand. His cheeks are kissed; his scarf and hat and leather jacket are brushed off and tossed onto a coat rack; his hair is in parts smoothed down (too messy!) and ruffled (too flat!); he’s hugged more times than he has been in the entire last year, probably. “Still playing around with bugs in the dirt, eh, Newt?” his grandfather booms, tucking Newt into the crook of his arm with enough force to knock Newt’s glasses off.

“Actually,” Newt squeaks, scrambling for both what he remembers of his very rusty German, and his glasses before they can hit the ground, “entomology isn’t really my main focus at—”

“Newt’s studying jellyfish now,” Newt’s dad declares proudly. “He went on a diving expedition this July.”

“Diving? How exciting,” Newt’s grandmother says.

“Yeah,” Newt says. He pushes his glasses back on. “Yeah, it was fascinating, I was lucky to get the funding for it. You wouldn’t believe the sorts of—”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Newt’s cousin says.

“My little Newt’s a daredevil!” Newt’s dad says.

“It’s not that dangerous,” Newt says. “As long as you’re—”

“What happened to that nice man your father said you were dating?” Newt’s grandfather says. “With the, the what was it, the poetry? The poet? We thought you’d bring him!”

Newt flushes. Trust his dad to talk up some random guy Newt dated in March like it was a long-term affair and not an elongated one-night stand that fizzled out after three weeks. Though maybe that one’s on Newt—it’s not like he mentioned the one-night stand part to his dad, after all. He definitely didn’t mention that the guy ended it with a poem, too. “We broke up,” he says, weakly. He wriggles out from the throng of the crowd. “Look, it’s so great seeing you all, but I’m actually, like, really tired, soooooo…?”

“Oh, of course you are,” Newt’s grandmother says. She pats his head. “What a long flight you must have had! We’ll send someone up for you for dinner—you can have your old guest room.”

“Cool,” Newt says.

He scurries up the stairs.

The guest room he slept in during those summers is almost exactly the way he remembers it, but a little dustier—the floral quilt on the bed, his grandma’s sewing table crammed into the corner, the bookcase stocked with a weird combination of kid’s books and illustrated encyclopedias that Newt used to pore over for hours as a kid, often with Hermann. Newt draws back the embroidered curtains and peers out the window at the Gottliebs’ snow-capped house next door. Hermann’s window was directly across from his. It still is, technically, though the curtains (these navy blue and embroidered with little constellations) are pulled tight, and Newt has a feeling that Hermann hasn’t set foot in his old room in well over a decade. Two decades, probably.

He remembers the one summer he showed Hermann how to make a soup can telephone, and they managed to string it all the way across between their windows before discovering it kinda didn’t work as well as Newt said it would. He remembers when Hermann’s dad banned him from the Gottlieb house for tracking water all over their front hallway after he and Hermann went wading in the creek, but it was really Hermann who did it, because he forgot to take his shoes off and they got soaked, and Newt just took the fall for it so Hermann wouldn’t get in trouble. And when Hermann asked Newt to play astronaut with him, and Newt insisted on being an alien and mimed the chestburster scene from Alien, and Hermann freaked out so bad he fell in a mud puddle and got grounded for ruining his clothing, and Newt got grounded for that and for watching Alien when he wasn’t supposed to, and they spent the following few days staring sadly out across at each other before Newt’s grandma finally got tired of his moping and sent him to work weeding the garden. He remembers knotting a little friendship bracelet for Hermann out of embroidery thread he found in his grandmother’s sewing basket and Hermann vowing to keep it until he died.

Newt’s half of the soup can phone is still on the windowsill, though the string snapped and crumbled apart years ago. He picks at the peeling Chicken Noodle label, so distracted that he almost doesn’t notice the light suddenly seeping through at the edges of Hermann’s curtains, or the way they’re pushed open—almost.

Hermann—real, live, adult Hermann, botched haircut and round glasses and all—stares out at Newt with a shocked expression on his face. Newt drops the can with a clatter.

Then he waves.

“Hey, Grandma?” Newt says, poking his head into the kitchen. Tonight’s dinner is a massive pot of soup boiling away on the stovetop, dessert a mountain of cookies and tiny pastries on serving platters on the counters. Newt hasn’t had food that looked this good since he moved out, to be honest. The intersection of Newt’s sad lack of cooking skills and his attempts at vegetarianism means he eats a lot of boxed mac-and-cheese and frozen Vegetable Lovers’ pizzas. “Are you—?"

“Oh, Newt!” Newt’s grandmother says. She sets down her wooden spoon. “Are you feeling rested, then?”

“Yeah,” Newt says. “Grandma, I was wondering, could I—uh—maybe run some food over to the Gottliebs? To be…neighborly? We just have so much, and—”

“That’s a wonderful idea,” Newt’s grandmother says. “They keep to themselves, mostly, but I can’t imagine they’d turn it down. You might even see your little friend again! What was his name? You were so fond of him.”

“Hermann,” Newt says, quickly shoving cookies into a red-lid plastic container. “Thanks, Grandma.”

He tucks the tupperware under his arm and nearly wipes out on the icy front path he runs to the Gottliebs’ so fast. Before he can so much as catch his breath and knock, their door swings open; Hermann, dressed in a tacky Hannukah sweater, arches an eyebrow at him. “I saw you sprint over here like a bloody madman,” he says, in blessed English. He must’ve remembered how shitty Newt’s German was when they were kids. “Hello, Newton. What’s so terribly important?”

His voice got deeper—expected—and he swapped out his German accent for an English one somewhere along the way. Probably at his stuffy boarding school. He also got taller—he’s got a few inches on Newt now, but Newt admits that’s not exactly hard. God, he’s even hotter in person. “Uh,” Newt says. Why is he here? Oh, right. He thrusts out the tupperware. “I brought some cookies over for you?”

Hermann peers down at the offering over his glasses. His forehead wrinkles. “How considerate,” he says. He pulls an olive-green parka on and steps out onto the porch, tugging the door shut behind him. He taps at a peeling porch swing with the end of his cane. “Just leave them there. Would you like to take a walk?”

It’s freezing, and snowing, but for some reason, a walk sounds like the best idea in the world right now. “Yes, please,” Newt says, and chucks the cookies onto the swing.

“I must say,” Hermann says, after their meandering walk around the Gottliebs’ yard takes them to the old maple tree. The branches are bare, but thick, and shield them from most of the falling snow. Hermann’s breath puffs out white in front of his angular face. The last time I stood here, Newt thinks, he kissed me. “I really did not expect to see you.”

“I didn’t expect to see you, either,” Newt admits. “From what I remember, you and your family weren’t—uh—well, very close. I didn’t think you’d be coming back to share in the holiday cheer with them, is what I mean.”

The corner of Hermann’s mouth twitches up. “That’s certainly one way of describing it. Yes, I suppose you’re right—my father is a bit of a bastard, isn’t he?” Newt laughs awkwardly, unsure whether to agree or attempt to weakly the defend a guy who openly hated him for being a bad influence on Hermann most of his childhood; he’s grateful when Hermann continues and saves him the choice. “This is the first year I’ve come home in a long while. My brother’s just had a daughter, you see, and I thought I should start getting used to playing uncle.”

“Oh, congrats,” Newt says. Hermann shrugs, and Newt has the distinct feeling that this is Hermann’s older brother, who used to dissemble Hermann’s telescope and hide the pieces around the house when Hermann annoyed him, and tattled on Newt and Hermann to Hermann’s parents the one time Newt snuck in to see Hermann after he got banned. He always made Newt thankful that he was an only child. “Same here, actually. Not the uncle thing—I mean I haven’t visited since I was in college. Too busy.”

“I know,” Hermann says, and then adds teasingly (in a way that makes color flood Newt’s cheeks and his heart beat just a little faster), “I’ve looked you up online. Er—quite a bit recently, in fact. I was curious. You’ve made quite the name for yourself, haven’t you, Dr. Geiszler?”

“I,” Newt squeaks, and then coughs. “I mean, I guess? I like…science.”

“I oughtn’t be surprised,” Hermann says. “You were always giving me bugs, and salamanders, and funny little frogs—”

Newt liked bugs, and salamanders, and frogs, but he liked Hermann more, and the gifts had a lot more to do with the latter than the former, because what kid wouldn’t want bugs or salamanders or frogs, right? Not that Hermann ever appreciated them—especially not the worms Newt would pluck from the sidewalks after rainstorms. He thinks he got grounded for that one, too, because his grandma wouldn’t believe that he really wasn’t trying to terrorize the poor Gottlieb boy. “And what about you?” Newt says. He pokes his elbow into Hermann’s side. “Dr. Gottlieb? Guess those model rockets paid off.”

(“No, Newton,” Hermann would snap at him on the rare occasions he would allow Newt to watch him piece one together, “the glue hasn’t dried yet. You have to be patient, or else it’ll fall apart.”)

“Not yet,” Hermann says, “but I hope soon.”

Hermann smiles at him. A snowflake catches in his eyelashes—his long, pretty, dark eyelashes. “Do you remember when you kissed me here?” Newt blurts out.

“It’s hardly the sort of thing I’d forget,” Hermann says. He reaches out and tucks a piece of Newt’s hair up into his hat. “I like your tattoos—I saw the photographs on your social media accounts. They suit you.” Newt wonders if this means Hermann saw the shirtless selfie he posted on Instagram. “I’m also pleased to see you’ve gotten your braces removed. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience last time.”

Then he leans in and kisses Newt. Again, technically. It’s so light and brief Newt hardly believes it even happened. Their glasses clack together, and when Hermann pulls away, he straightens out Newt’s.

“I confess,” Hermann says, “that I’m wholly pleased to see how you’ve turned out. I hope that wasn’t too forward of me. I’ve been thinking about doing it all night.”

“Jeez, dude,” Newt says, blinking at him, his head swimming just a little. Hermann looks smug. “Not, uh, not too forward. So. Uh. You wanna get dinner or something this week and catch up?”

Hermann snorts, and nods.

[grantyort]

Prelude IV: Relight

Post-Surgery: DAY ONE

[Sean sits in the hospital bed, legs crossed, staring into space when he hears a familiar voice.]

Joey: Sean, Sean Diaz? Well damn. I never thought I’d see your sorry ass again!

Sean: Geez Joey. Is that how you talk to all your patients?

Joey: Just the ones I like.

[Sean chuckles]

Joey: C’mere big man.

[Joey gives Sean a big bear hug]

Sean: How’ve you been Joey?

Joey: Can’t complain. These days, they got me up in hospice care. You’re probably the first person I’ve seen today that didn’t need their bedpans changed.

Sean: Sounds terrible.

Joey: It’s all not all bad. Lot of these folks have stories that you wouldn’t believe. One of my patients has lived through five wars and two depressions, tells me I’m a credit to my race.

Sean: Yeesh.

Joey: (shrugs) She means well. It’s almost flattering compared to some of the stuff I’ve heard. Been on this job almost ten years now, some people still treat me like I have no idea what I’m doing.  

Sean: That sucks Joey.

Joey: Yeah... Anyway, you seem to be doing pretty well for yourself. From what I heard, this procedure cost a small fortune. You must have friends in high places.

Sean: Yeah, something like that.

Joey: And no guard at the door this time. I assume everything got cleared up with the police? Not planning to make a break for it again are ya?

Sean: Nah, no daring escapes this time.

Joey: Good. I don’t think I’d survive another blow to the head.

Sean: Listen Joey I’m really sorry-

Joey: (laughs) Relax Sean! I’m just messing with you! It’s ancient history as far as I’m concerned. Say, did you ever end up finding that brother of yours?

Sean: Yeah. He’s actually coming to visit me tomorrow.

Joey: Can’t wait to meet him!

Sean: Famous last words.

Joey: So… what you been up to these days?

Sean: Mostly just cramming for the SATs, drawing, listening to music. Normal teenage shit.

Joey: That’s good to hear. I was worried about you man. You went AWOL after the hospital. I got police and Feds breathing down my neck for weeks. Then a month later, I hear about a couple of kids trying the border to Mexico on the news.

Sean: Sorry I never reached out. I just didn’t want to get you more involved than you already were-

Joey: You made the right call. They questioned me for hours. My apartment was filled with G-men, my girlfriend was freaked. I honestly thought she was going to dump my ass.

Sean: I’m really sorry Joey.

Joey: Don’t sweat it Sean, it was for a good cause. Besides, everything worked out in the end.

Sean: Yeah I noticed, how long have you been-

Joey: Almost a year now. We’re expecting our first baby in the summer.

Sean: Congratulations dude!

Joey: Thanks, but honestly, I’m kinda nervous, don’t think I’m ready to be a father.

Sean: You’ll be a great dad, Joey. You’re awesome at taking care of people.

Joey: You’re damn right. Speaking of which, we should probably take a look at that eye of yours.

[Joey takes off the bandage and gives Sean’s eye a thorough examination]

Joey: Well it looks a helluva lot better than the last time I saw it.

Sean: That’s good to hear. I wasn’t sure it would work.

Joey: Well it’s too early to say if your vision will fully recover. But at the very least you won’t have to walk around with a patch anymore.

Sean: Good. It’s hard enough finding a prom date let alone one that’s willing to go with a pirate.

Joey: Still with the pirate jokes huh? Hopefully, you’ll have to write some new material after this.

[Joey applies a new bandage on Sean’s eye]

Joey: And you’re all set. Now as much as I love our talks, I gotta make my rounds. Buzz me if you need me.

Sean: Later Joey.

Joey: See ya tomorrow Sean.

 [Joey leaves the room. Sean turns to look out the window. The door shoots open, and a small figure comes bursting in.]

Daniel: Sean! 

[He jumps onto the bed and into Sean’s arms]

Stephen: (out-of-breath) Sorry, I tried to stop him, but he outran me.

Sean: You okay Stephen?

Stephen: I am… just need a minute to catch my breath. The old ticker ain’t what it used to be- I need to sit down.

Daniel: Take it easy grandpa.

Sean: What are you doing here, enano? I wasn’t expecting you guys until tomorrow.

Daniel: I made grandpa book an earlier flight. I just couldn’t wait! 

[he hugs Sean again]

Sean: Haha easy. I just had surgery, remember?

Daniel: Oh right, s-sorry.

[There’s a brief flash, followed by a shutter click]

Sean: What’re you doing, gramps?

Stephen: Oh nothing, just commemorating the moment. Thanks to your brother, I finally got the hang of this newfangled smartphone camera.

Daniel (whispering): He had it stuck on selfie mode for days. Anyway, did it go? Is your eye…

Sean: I mean… it’s not 100% yet but I can sort of see again.

Daniel: T-that’s awesome! Can I see it?

Sean: Dude last time I showed you my eye, you almost cried. Besides, the doctors say I still need to keep the bandage on for a bit, while it heals.

Daniel: Right. That makes sense. Oooh this room looks cool. Do they have Netflix or a Playbox?

Sean: It’s a hospital, dude.

Daniel: Lame.

Sean: So catch me up. Did I miss anything interesting at home?

Daniel: Nah… Chris is still on that fishing trip with his dad so there’s no one to hang out with. Oh I almost forgot. He made you this card. Isn’t it awesome?

[Daniel gives Sean a hand-drawn “get-well-soon” card from Chris]

Sean: Yeah. It’s pretty cool. We can have Claire put it up when we get back.

Daniel: Grandma’s still in that feud with the lady from church.

Sean: Which one was that again?

Daniel: Agnes, the one who gives off major Lisbeth-vibes. She says grandma stole her casserole recipe for the church bake-sale. Lying bitch.

Stephen: Language!

Sean: Maybe one of us should try to smooth things over before it gets nasty.

Stephen: Hell hath no fury… lemme tell ya. I’ve been married to your grandmother long enough to know once that woman sets her mind on something… there’s no stopping her. Best to just let things run their course.

Sean: Claire can get a little… passionate sometimes. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen her lose her temper for real.

Stephen: There’s a fire in that woman. It’s part of the reason I married her. Just pray she never turns it on you. I hope I’ll never live to see that day, god willing.

[Sean notices Daniel circling the hospital bed, pressing his hand on various parts of the mattress]

Sean: (laughs) What are you doing, enano?

Daniel: Just trying to figure which side of the bed I want to sleep on tonight.

Sean: Dude. There’s no way this bed’s gonna fit both of us.

Daniel: The one in Mom’s trailer was way smaller!

Sean: Yeah well… you were a lot smaller back then.

Stephen: They have a nice area for visitors down the hall.

Daniel: But I want to stay with Sean!

Sean: I guess I could ask Joey to bring in a couch or something.

Daniel: Who’s Joey?

Sean: The nurse who took care of me after the accident. I told you about him, remember?

Daniel: Oh right! I can’t wait to meet him!

 DAY TWO

Joey: How are we doing today? Any headaches, dizziness, socket pain?

Sean: Nah it’s all good. Still getting used to having depth perception again. It’s kinda weird.

Joey: You’ll get used to it. Anything else to report?

Sean: Nothing major. I’ve just been having some really weird dreams.

Joey: We have a psychiatrist on-site if you need a professional to talk to.

Sean: Nah it’s alright, probably just the drugs messing with my brain.

Joey: Well your vitals look good. We’ll go over some basic tests. You know the drill.

(Sean covers his right eye and tries to read the chart. Joey then shines a light and asks him to follow along. Finally, he asks Sean to put the cap back on the pen.)

Joey: You passed with flying colors. The doctor will be in for a final exam tomorrow and then we can discharge you.

Sean: (sarcastically) Too bad, I was ready to become the first Mexican pirate to attend college. So much for being a trailblazer.

Joey: Good to see you haven’t lost that snarky-ass sense of humor.

Joey: Anyway, I’m taking my lunch now. Want me to get you anything from the cafeteria? Wait… don’t tell me. Chocolate pecan?

Sean: You know it.

Joey: I met your brother in the hall. Cute kid.

Sean: (deadpans) Give it a few days. Then see if you get a “second opinion.”

Joey: He does seem a little… “energetic”. But that’s normal for kids his age.

Sean: Yeah one minute I’m his favorite person in the world. The next, he’s off doing God knows what, and doesn’t want me “bossing him around”. You know how it is.

Joey: Can’t say I do. Grew up in a house with three older sisters. Guess I must have been the annoying one. Daniel’s lucky to have you looking out for him. Must be tough sometimes.

Sean: Oh you have no idea.

[Joey claps Sean’s shoulder, he feels a jolt shooting up his spine, everything goes white] 

(Sean sees a door marked: “Miranda A. Connolly, Hospital Director”)

Connolly: You’ve been a valuable asset to this hospital. Stellar feedback from all of your patients and attendings.

Joey: I sense a “but” coming.

Connolly: But, given the dubious circumstances surrounding your transfer and your past involvement with the law. The Board thinks it might be better for one of the other nurses to take this spot.

Joey: Please. I’ve got a kid on the way. We just bought our first house. Can you at least consider bumping up my pay? I haven’t gotten a real raise since I started here. There are kids coming out of nursing school that make what I make!

Connolly: The hospital has limited resources as it is, and the State just slashed our funding again. I just can’t justify raising anyone’s salary right now.

Joey: I break my back for this hospital, work extra shifts, get to know the patients. You promised me at the annual review that I’d-

Connolly: That was before this new information came to light. I’m sorry Joseph, maybe next year.

[Sean snaps out of his trance]

Joey: Sean? Sean are you okay?

Sean: Sorry, Guess I spaced out. Must just be the medication.

Joey: I can have the doctor come by and adjust your dosage.

Sean: I’m fine Joey. I swear. Weren’t you about to take lunch?

Joey: Oh right. We’ll pick this up later.

[Joey leaves the room, looking slightly puzzled.]

Sean: (thinking) W-what what was that? A dream? But It felt so… real.

[Sean takes out his phone and enters the name of the hospital, He finds their website. Under the ‘About’ section he scrolls to the Executive team bio. There is a photo of the woman he saw in the vision followed by a small blurb]

“Miranda A. Connolly is the President and Chief Director of Mt. Cedar General Hospital. She was appointed back in 2016 as Associate Director and has since made ground-breaking changes to the field of medicine and medical care. Under her leadership, this hospital was able to expand greatly, hiring new diverse staff members and vastly improving quality of care for all its patients.”

Sean: (thinking) Holy shit… it’s real. Does that mean I…?

Daniel: Hey Sean! What you looking at?

Sean: Dude! Don’t sneak up on me like that!

Daniel: I wasn’t sneaking. I was practicing my stealth!

Sean: Yeah sure.

Daniel: Are you looking at the new Playbox Pro? My birthday is right around the corner you know.

Sean: Birthday? It’s still January!

Daniel: Never too early to start preparing.

Sean: (rolling eyes) Yeah cuz everything’s always about you.

Daniel: Oooh I bet you were watching those dirty videos again. I’m tellin’ grandpa!

Sean: Hey hands off my phone you little-

[Daniel tries to grab Sean’s phone. Sean wrests his hand away. There is another a jolt]

[Daniel stands in front of the vending machine, staring at the jumbo chock-o-crisp. He looks around to check that the coast is clear. Then he waves his hand causing the chock-o-crisp to fall off the rack and into the dispenser slot.He gleefully retrieves it and devours the candy bar in a matter of seconds]

Sean: Dude, I told you not to eat any more chock-o-crisps! Do you want another trip to the dentist?

Daniel: What are you talking about? I haven’t had one in weeks!

Sean: Yeah sure. So you didn’t pig out at the vending machine before coming in here?

Daniel: How did you-

Sean: Maybe I have magic powers or maybe… you’ve still got crumbs on your collar.

Daniel: Aw, damn it. Promise you won’t tell grandpa.

Sean: Oh so you can tell on me but I can’t tell on you?

Daniel: (smugly) Exactly.

Sean: C’mere ya little shit!

Daniel: Sean stop! Ha that tickles. Quit it!

(After their little bout, Daniel curls up next to Sean, resting his head on Sean’s lap. Sean ruffles Daniel’s hair absentmindedly)

Sean: You ever wish you were… you know “normal” again?

Daniel: You mean not have my powers? Nah. They’re a part of me now. Besides, being normal is overrated.

Sean: (chuckles) I guess it is. But do you ever get that feeling like you thought you wanted something for a really long time but when you finally get it, it nothing like you thought it’d be?

Daniel: Uhhh… you mean like how I begged grandma to get me a PlayBox Live Subscription, but then the exclusives turned out to be shit? And now I have to act like I love it?

Sean: Yeah something like that.

Daniel: (yawns) Meh I’ll just ask for a gaming PC for my birthday.

Sean: Dude you’re like the greediest ten year-old I know.

Daniel: How many ten year-olds do you know?

Sean: Uh… just you and Chris.

Daniel: So, you want me to be more like Chris?

Sean: Wouldn’t hurt.

Daniel: (imitating Chris) “Only the purest of hearts may wield the power of Captain Spirit!”

Sean: Guess that rules you out.

Daniel: (playfully) Shut up.

DAY THREE

Doctor: Okay Mr.Diaz. I want you to follow the light. Look to your right, up and to the right. Good, good, excellent pupil response.  Now look at the chart, cover your right eye and read this line.

Sean: Uh… A, O, E, P… T? Sorry I can’t really make out the last one.

Doctor: That’s okay, it takes time.

Doctor: Now this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but I recommend that you wear a patch over your right eye. It’ll be temporary of course, just until you learn to see with your left eye again.

Sean: (laughs dryly) And here I thought my seafaring days were behind me.

Doctor: You know… pirate actually wore patches so their eyes could easily adjust to the darkness and see below deck- Sorry my son’s going through a pirate phase.

Sean: I know the feeling. My little brother’s been through every phase imaginable.

Doctor: Kids, you gotta treasure every moment. Because before you know it, they’ll be all grown up, ready to go off on their own. Look at me, rambling on. Anyway, I signed your discharged papers. They’ll schedule you for some outpatient care in the coming months.You’re almost ready to go. 

Sean: Sounds good.

Doctor: And you’re sure you don’t want to get do something about that nasty scar? A good-looking kid like you, it would be a shame to-

Sean: That’s okay, I think I’ll keep it… as a reminder.

Doctor: Alright but if you ever change your mind, I could refer you to a great plastic surgeon.

Sean: Thanks Doc, for everything.

Doctor: The pleasure’s all mine, Mr.Diaz. The groundwork we laid here could help hundreds of other patients in the future. We are making history. Your nurse should be along in a moment to help you get discharged.

[Sean sits in quiet contemplation. Reflecting on his dreams and new “vision”]

Sean (thinking): Be careful what you wish for... 

Joey: Looks like everything’s good to go. Remember to use your eye-drops-

Sean: Twice a day. Yeah Joey, I know.

Joey: Guess it’s goodbye again. Don’t be a stranger this time okay?

Sean: I won’t.

Joey: Here’s my number. Call me if ever need professional advice or just want to shoot the shit.

Sean: Thanks Joey. Let me know how everything goes with the baby.

Joey: Oh don’t you worry about that. Soon I’ll be blowing up your phone with pictures.

Sean: Haha can’t wait.

Joey: Now hospital policy says I gotta wheel your ass outta here. For liability reasons.

Sean: At least it’ll be a smoother exit than last time.

Joey: (laughs) Get in the chair smart-ass.

Beaver Creek, One Week Later

Sean: Okay, you ready?

Daniel: (takes deep breath) Alright. Show it to me.

Sean: So… how does it look?

Daniel: Looks… normal.

Sean: You almost sound disappointed. Were you expecting a bionic eye or something?

Daniel: No. I just… it looks good. I like the scar; makes you look extra tough.

Sean: You think so?

Daniel: Yeah… totally badass!

Sean: Thanks, enano.

Daniel: You need a new codename, like Scarred Wolf or Deadshot Diaz!

Sean: Let’s leave the nicknames up to Chris.

Daniel: Hey! I make up awesome names too!

Sean: Whatever you say,“Superwolf”

[snarkwrites]

FFT: sweet morning rose; shane walsh

Notes:

So... this is one of my many universes for Evie Grimes, my walking dead original character. Given that I cannot choose between Shane and Daryl to save my life, she has like.. 3? universes with each guy? I know, it’s excessive, yikes. Let me live, damn. Maybe one day I’ll write out at least one each. I toyed with doing a ‘choose your own guy / path’ thing but that’s hard and I’m not sure anyone would even read a basic fic for TWD by me, let alone a complicated one. But maybe. Maybe one day.

Summary:

Shane’s nightmare the night before the apocalypse kicks off has him really taking note of the things that matter.. But will he apply what he’s /seen/ to real life? For now, it seems so.

Pairing:

Shane Walsh x OFC, Evie

Warning:

uhh.. zombies. some vague gore allusions. a Grimes!ofc, and Shane, before he goes darkside.

Hazy morning sunlight filtered in through threadbare plaid curtains and Shane rolled over. When his arm settled over a body next to him, he jolted awake.

The nightmare from the night before was still fresh in his mind. It was all so vivid; so real. Rick in a coma, then a fever hitting and putting a grinding halt to the world as he knew it.. Being forced to choose and making the wrong damn choice.

Evie lie there, and she seemed to feel that he’d woken up, because she was rolling over, curling herself against him, a hand going up to shield her eyes as she grumbled about getting better damn curtains.

Shane couldn’t shake the nightmare, and he got this distinct feeling that he’d had it for a reason. That there was a lesson within.

… don’t take an idiot to figure out the lesson is not let outside people interfere with me an’ Evie… the thought came clear as a bell and Shane sat up, rubbing his eyes. It prompted Evie to sit up, eyeing him in concern.

“You okay?”

“Just one helluva nightmare last night, darlin.”

“About when you were a kid?”

“Nah, this was.. Different. This was worse.”

Evie almost pushed for more details, but something about the look of sheer panic and pain in his eyes stopped her from bringing it up. Instead, she leaned against his back, peppering kisses across his shoulders as she rubbed her hands up and down his arms.

“There’s a game on. Wanna go re heat the pizza from last night and just snuggle up on the couch and watch it?”

Shane grabbed hold of her hips as she slid off the bed, pulling her down into his lap, smoothing hair out of her face as he gave her his most serious look. “You know I love ya, right? That I’m only yer man?”

“Shane, what the hell was that dream about?”

Before they could say anything, an emergency siren went off over at the town hall. They shared a look and Evie went to stand - probably to go look out the door, but Shane grabbed hold of her, putting her behind him. “Stay close.”

“Shane, what’s going on with you? It’s probably just a test.” Evie whispered back. Shane opened the door just barely and peeked out.

The Millers down the street were hurrying to cram their things into the back of an SUV.

A glance up the block showed that other neighbors were doing the same. The sky was bright and sunny, it was a typical Georgia Saturday morning and yet deep down, Shane got the distinct feeling it wasn’t.

He shut the door quickly and leaned against it, pulling Evie against him, staring down at her after breathing in the sweet rose scent of her shampoo. “Darlin, we gotta get our shit an get outta here. I don’t know what’s goin on but all the neighbors are doin it. That can’t be a good sign.”

Evie’s natural response was to try and peer out the window next to the door and when her face went pale and her jaw dropped , her scream echoing through the house, Shane pulled her away from the window, peering out himself.

A little blonde girl in a hospital gown and a pink house robe was shuffling down the block, with half of her face gone, and blood and skin hanging from the part that wasn’t.. She looked like she was chewing on the skin hanging from that side of her mouth and her body was slumped over, the flesh sloughing off as her feet dragged the pavement leaving almost brown bloody trails behind her.

“Evie, we gotta get our asses outta here. We ain’t got time t’ talk about this.”

Evie nodded in response and Shane raced down the hall, back into their bedroom with Evie hot on his heels. He shut the bedroom door, starting to shove his grandma’s old heavy wooden armoire in front of the door, just to be safe.

“She bit that kid… She just walked up and bit him..” Evie was pale, shaking and staring at the faded hardwood floor in disbelief at what she’d seen.

She’d heard rumors that some new virus was out there, and that it was dangerous, but the news hadn’t mentioned it in almost a week now.

Was their town being hit by whatever virus this was?

Shane knelt next to her, cupping her jaw. “C’mon, darlin.. Y’ gotta stay with me, okay? We gotta get outta here.. Together.”

When she didn’t respond, Shane picked her up over his shoulder and after stopping by his gun cabinet to grab his Mossberg, the box with her engagement ring inside of it and a box of ammo, he bolted out the door on side of the house, making a break for his Bronco.

He put Evie inside and swerved into the road, and when he looked back in the rearview, more of whatever that little girl had been were rounding the corner behind him, slowly but surely.

“Don’t look back, darlin. Just trust me.. You.. don’t wanna see what I just did.”

“Okay..”

Shane fumbled around with the knobs on an ancient Kenwood cd player and finally, he found a station giving a detailed report.

They were calling for an evacuation.

“You think we oughta call Lori and Rick?”

“Hon, yer brother’s gon get ‘em out. I’m sure we’ll see ‘em on the interstate…” Shane said it but he relented. “I’ll call Rick. Make sure he’s awake and hearin what’s goin on.”

He called Rick and found out that they’d already gotten out of town. It made him breathe one hell of a lot easier. And the nightmare from the night before came rushing back.

Maybe it hadn’t only been a lesson, but a warning as well.

Not that he’d ever put much stock in that kind of stuff… But maybe it was a needed wakeup call.. A reminder to focus only on what was closest to his heart. Not to let himself forget where his heart really was.

… hint taken… he thought to himself as they hung a right and turned onto the ramp leading onto the interstate and the fairgrounds, where the newscaster had told everyone to head out to on the radio not even five minutes earlier.

[bishiglomper]

Mom and sissy are still kicking ass in the house. Living room is ready to be vacuumed. I'm gonna see if mom can wait until sister goes to Des Moines day after tomorrow because vacuuming (especially after possibly a year) flares up her asthma real bad. 😦

I'm useless actually moving around and being productive, so I found a couple of superfluous areas that I could organize a bit neater. Sister has a bookshelf crammed with papers and books. Just straightened them out. Cleared the clutter from the top of my tea cabinet. Reorganized the tea cabinet itself.

We took grandma's earrings home, which is a two sided organizer. Prolly about 20-25 sections, x2? I went through all her earrings, her christmas earrings, then brought aaaall mine down and put up the ones I thought would be most likely to be worn by me or mom. A few I picked with niece in mind, but she usually picks for her cartelage piercings. Simple balls and jewels. Boring 🙄😖

One whole side is Christmas. I combined all of them. Found a nail in the perfect place across from the front door, where we have this bench we use to put shoes in front of, purses on, keys by, etc. Hung the organizer above it so we can admire and use to our heart's content.

I wrapped presents for our two family friends we're giving gifts to. Gonna go to Pizza Ranch tomorrow to hog their party room to visit with one couple (who just had the star wars wedding) we're gonna play CAH and stuff. Dunno when we'll give the other family their presents. Possibly next time we visit the aunt in Albion. Friends live there too.

Sissy started in on the dining room. I thought it was just as scary as the living room even though its 1/3 the size. After just an hour is looks so much better.

I have no idea what we're gonna do about the dishes. We have no hot water so we can't conceivably cut them down substantially enough to make a difference. Yeah we can boil water but... sigh.

I'm hoping we can just stack things neatly and hope the landlord doesnt do more than a passing glance to that particular area.. 👀💧

My sister came home this evening (4? 5?) with an iced coffee. I was jealous so I made myself coffee.

It's almost 4am and I only just got into bed. Not tired though. 8D I wish I could do coffee more often, it counteracts the muscle relaxant drowsiness nicely👌

[mirai-eats]

It'll be a Twenty Minute Wait

A continuation of proud of you for a solid twenty minutes I tried keeping it in a 1k word limit but I somehow doubled it?

Voltron, klance/laith, 2268 words, T rated because Pidge makes an entrance, modern/college AU

MASTERPOST

“Shiro help me!”

The sound of the back door being slammed shut accompanied by Keith’s sudden yell jerked Shiro from his concentration. “What happened?  What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Shiro instantly grabbed Keith’s arm and started checking him over.   “I ran into a classmate at Starbucks on the way to work just now and he was with a friend who he introduced as Lance and honest to God Shiro I swore the heavens opened up when he smiled he was glowing, Shiro! Glowing!” Keith said this in the entire span of one breath.

  There was a brief pause, then Shiro physically relaxed and let go of Keith’s arm. “Oh, I thought there was an emergency.”  “This is an emergency,” Keith hissed.  “No, an emergency is the shop being on fire or grandma taking a nasty fall down three flights of stairs. This is an infatuation for a guy you met…”  “Twenty minutes ago.”   “Twenty minutes ago, yeah. Did you at least get his number?”   Keith froze. “I, uh… no. But he’s friend’s with a guy I share two classes with so I bet I could get it through him.”  “There you go. Problem solved. When you get to class on Monday, talk your friend into getting his number,” Shiro said as he turned back to the car he was working on. “Go clock in and get dressed. I need a hand with this engine.”  Through the rest of Keith's shift, he couldn't shake that guys face from his mind’s eye. He wasn't kidding when he swore Lance was glowing, he really was. In the muted tones of the Starbucks’ light, purposely dimmed for the sake of caffeine addicted college students and grumpy office workers in sleek blazers and shiny toed shoes, gave a golden glow to his smooth looking skin. He didn't see what color Lance’s eyes were since he was too nervous to look directly at them, but he bet they're just as pretty as the rest of him. That moment he first laid eyes on him he practically got whiplash from just how naturally pretty he was. His voice was loud, ringing in the coffee laden air, but ran smooth like slow churned ice cream. He had only exchanged a couple sentences with this guy and Keith was already so far gone.

He wanted to get to know this Lance guy, first as a friend, then maybe, maybe they could develop something more?

Keith definitely didn't set his alarm a tad early for the morning of his psych class with Hunk. Nor did he take the extra time to make his hair look nice and smooth with a little styling mousse or wear what he called his “nice shoes” (a not dirty pair of checkered Vans) in hopes that maybe, by some weird yet wonderful coincidence, Hunk would invite him out to lunch with his friends. One friend in particular, actually.

There was a gnawing feeling in Keith's gut that trying to use Hunk to get to Lance was morally wrong. Since running into the pair at Starbucks last week he hasn't been able to shake Lance from his mind. If he concentrated hard enough he could still feel his soft hand on his.

When Keith had settled down in his usual spot in class a wave of anxiety smacked him upside the head. How is he even going to get his number from Hunk, let alone a lunch invite? He doesn't know how to initiate non-awkward conversation with anyone, let alone steer a conversation in a way that Hunk would just freely give Keith Lance’s number or that lunch invite.

Hunk sat in the seat behind Keith. He probably smelled the anxiety oozing from his skin, because he soon tapped Keith's shoulder to get his attention.

“Hey, what's up? You nervous about the quiz?” Hunk stage whispered.

Oh, he’s nervous alright, just not about the 15 point quiz he knew the material to. It was this conversation that’ll follow.

That’s what he wanted to say, instead he gave the guy a small smile and said, “Yeah.”

“You wanna go grab some food after class? Lance - you remember Lance from last week at the coffee shop right,” Hunk threw him a quick wink, “and another friend of ours are gonna go to that pancake house down the street.”

Keith was pretty sure every worry that had weighed him down before lifted up and launched itself into the stratosphere; his heart jumped momentarily at the sudden weightlessness.

Hunk looked at him quizzically, waiting for an answer.

“Yeah sure! I'm not doing anything after class.”

After class came a lot slower than Keith would have liked. He was still in a state of disbelief about the fact that Hunk had just straight up asked him to lunch.

Hunk couldn't drive since he didn't have a license - he had said “I get pretty bad anxiety just thinking about getting behind the wheel and being responsible for every life within the vicinity while I drive a death machine.” - so they threw their stuff in the back seat of Keith's car and drove down to the pancake house a few blocks away. Just as they pulled into a spot, the passenger door to the little white car next to them opened and out stepped an all too familiar figure.

Keith quickly rolled down his window and greeted said person with a loud, “‘Sup, you dirty little gremlin. Finally crawled out of your cave?”

“Hey dickweed, how's the chlamydia?” Pidge snorted, sticking an arm out to push away Keith's face from the window.

“Oh hey, guess you guys already know each other. That's good. No need for weird introductions,” said Hunk as he stepped out of the car. Keith grabbed his wallet from his backpack and got out of the car, locking it immediately.

“Hey beautiful, come here often?” A new voice joined them. It took a moment to process that those weren't aimed at him, but the beautiful hunk of a man standing on the other side of his car.

“Only so I can see your face, darling,” Hunk responded. There was a humorous sparkle in Hunk’s eye and a wide grin graced his face when the one and only Lance stepped out of the driver’s side of the white car.

With how much Keith screamed about how pretty Lance was when they initially met in the Starbucks, he realized that that Lance was probably a “not doing anything but grabbing a cold drink then proceeding to go home and lay in front of the AC for three hours” look with the glow on his skin and the slightly wrinkled tank top hanging loosely from his frame.

This Lance was definitely a “I'm here to go out with friends and look better than all of them” from the white cap and blue mirror sunglasses on his head, down the loose v-neck and distressed skinny jeans, to his Adidas sneakers.

“Hey it's good to see you again,” Lance grinned at Keith.

“Yeah same here. How's it been?”

“Could be better. But we're getting pancakes and honestly those are like my fave so the day’s already looking up.”

Once they were all piled in the waiting area Lance went ahead to put their names in for a table.

Almost immediately, Hunk lifted the cap off Pidge’s head and gave her head a rub, pulling a harsh retort from Pidge. “How long have you two known each other? You seem awfully close.”

“Our brothers are best friends so we've known each other since late elementary,” Keith replied.

“Oh, Shiro?” Lance startled Keith when he suddenly spoke from behind him. “And it'll be a 20 minute wait.”

“Ew,” Pidge said.

“Yeah that's him. He spends half his time at Pidge and Matt’s place but he pays half for rent so it's fine I guess,” Keith said.

“Sweet. So you get the place to yourself all the time?” Lance asked.

“When I'm not at school or work, yeah, basically. Like, he comes home late most nights and spends some of the weekend lazing around, but that's it honestly. I'm pretty sure half his closet is in Matt’s room.”

“Matt lives in the basement and Shiro practically lives down there with them,” Pidge said.

“What’s so special about your parents’ basement?” Hunk asked.

“Xbox,” Pidge stated, like it was the most obvious answer.

“We have a Wii U but that’s generally reserved for Just Dance marathons and Mario Kart,” said Keith.

“Ooh you guys have Mario Kart? I haven’t played since high school.” Keith couldn’t believe how Lance got this excited sparkle in his eyes - his blue eyes - from the mundane topic of Mario Kart.

Keith’s heart was going to ricochet out of his chest if this boy doesn’t step away this instant. He was caught up in staring at the freckles - oh Lordy freckles - that dusted the bridge of his nose and the sharp angles of his cheekbones. All of them were crammed in the corner of the waiting area to make room for people coming in and out of the door, which forced Keith to be just a hair away from brushing up against Lance’s arm. He was close enough to spot those freckles and even the cute little beauty mark under his jaw.

Pidge broke him from his stupor with a, “Hey we should have a Mario Kart race sometime soon.”

Lance’s eyes lit up at the idea. “We could drag Matt and Shiro from their basement, maybe even get Allura in on it and make it a competition.”

“Lance’s place has pretty good wifi, thanks to yours truly. We could set up there or,” Pidge threw a subtle smirk at Keith, “We can cram ourselves into Keith’s baby house.”

“Why is it a baby house? Is it that small?” Hunk’s attention snapped from his phone to the rest of the group, wide-eyed and a little confused at the recent development.

“It’s a joke, Hunk. Shiro and Keith live in a one bedroom apartment and it can fit a total of three people,” Pidge said.

“So, my place then?” said Lance.

Keith felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and turned to check his phone while the other three continued to hash out a Mario Kart competition.

A snapchat from Shiro greeted Keith’s screen. Grinning, he opened it up and recieved a close up of Shiro’s glazed, exhausted looking eye with the text “dkjfhkedf death”. He quickly sent a blurred picture of his shoes with a reply similar to his. It was a quick back and forth conversation between the two, Keith slowly pulling himself away from the group. A nudge from Pidge jerked his attention from his phone to see the server leading them to their table.

“Hey you have snapchat too? Mind if I add you?” Lance spoke suddenly, eyes peering over Keith’s shoulder to see the tail end of Shiro’s snap.

“Oh, uh yeah, sure go ahead,” Keith opened up his snap code and showed his phone to Lance. There was a moment of fumbling when they both tried to take a seat at the table and allow Lance to take a quick scan of Keith’s snapcode. Right away, Keith got a snapchat from “the_tailor”, a blurred, zoomed in image of Keith’s own face greeted him. Keith tried to suppress a smile and quickly sent back an equally close up, blurred picture of Lance’s face.

Pidge jabbed his side again from where she sat next to him in their booth, the server passed out the menus and left quickly. “Hey is Lance your new crush?” Pidge whispered to Keith behind her menu.

“Um, maybe? Still too soon to tell but he’s really cute and I just got his snapchat,” Keith whispered back.

“Lance is pretty cute, but only when he keeps his mouth shut.”

“I don’t mind, it’s nice listening to him talk.”

“Dude that’s gay,” Pidge muffled a snicker then turned to her menu. “This weird iced strawberry lemonade blizzard thing looks like it could be alcoholic but it’s just lemonade with syrup in it. Should I get it for the aesthetic of it?”

“Only if you give me a sip.”

“Hey you two, put down your menus, stop talking shit about the rest of us, and join the conversation. I’m not letting this Mario Kart competition go.” Lance smacked down Pidge’s menu, earning him a slap to his arm from her in retaliation. They immediately started bickering, Lance’s voice rising and falling in pitch and Pidge reduced to a borderline shriek; both still retained smiles on their faces and that matching mischievous glimmer in their eyes through teasing remarks.

Keith let his eyes trail over Lance’s face, taking in the scrunched up nose and the way his lips shape words, before he pulled away and met Hunk’s calculating gaze. There was a brief moment where Hunk stared him down, as though reading beyond Keith’s weak attempt to fix his hair and eyes that keep tracing Lance’s features. Hunk broke that weird moment of tension with a quick wink and a sly smile before he turned to Lance and interrupted their squabbling.

“No one has classes on Friday, right? And you get off work at three, Lance, and Pidge doesn’t have a job. How about we have our competition then? Keith?”

All eyes were on Keith. He took a second to check his schedule on his phone to see that thankfully, he was opening shop Friday.

He nodded slowly, looked up to meet Lance’s to see him grin broadly and whoop. Oh gosh, Keith thought, he’s gone for this boy.

[namjoonilicious]

DUFF (CHAPTER 3)

Chapter 3

╳ Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

╳ Genre: fluff, smut, angst 

 ╳ Summary: Being the Duff has really changed you.”“Excuse me, the Duff?” I asked, my voice rising a little at the end.“You know, the Designated. Ugly. Fat. Friend.”

As soon as I stepped into the house, I knew I would regret it. The music was so loud, I could feel the bass pounding through my chest. The living room was crammed full with people, and the thought of actually having to walk into that was giving me anxiety. But just remembering that this was Yoongi’s house was making my stomach do summersaults.

“Y/n, lighten up will you? It’s a party, you’re supposed to be having fun.” Lisa said, snaking her arm over my shoulder.

Yeah, because going to a party hosted by the guy that I have a major crush on, but invited you, is really just putting me in the best mood!

“At least you look bomb as fuck” Cassie said, gently pushing me further into the house.

“What I usually wear is fine.” I grumbled, trying to tug down the black dress that could be considered a t-shirt.

“For a grandma” Lisa added as we walked into the kitchen.

Usually I would come up with some snarky remark but just knowing that Yoongi was somewhere close by rendered me speechless.

“Let’s all take a shot!” Lisa yelled, laying out three shot glasses and grabbing some Vodka. Alcohol isn’t something that I normally would drink but she didn’t have to tell me twice as I downed the shot of Vodka, placing the empty glass on the counter.

Lisa and Cassie both looked at me like they were proud parents watching me at my dance recital.

“What?” I asked, already pouring myself a second one.

“Slow down, y/n. We have all night” Cassie laughed, taking the shot glass away from me before I could drink it.

That’s exactly why I needed to keep drinking. I used to always look down on people who drank, always wondering why they couldn’t just have fun sober. But alcohol gives people the courage to do stuff they normally wouldn’t, and in my case, that’s exactly what I needed.

A few more minutes passed until Lisa nudged me on the shoulder.

“Lets go out back, Yoongi’s there.”

My legs instantly felt like they were jello. I defiantly was not drunk enough yet for this encounter to happen. I had no choice in the matter though as Cassie grabbed my arm and practically dragged me through the sweaty bodies.

As soon as we stepped out the back door, the cool breeze felt good as it lightly whipped across my face, making me momentarily forget the reason we were out here. But I knew that moment wouldn’t last long as soon as I heard someone behind us.

“You came!”

“Of course I did!” Lisa said, turning around and walking toward the voice.

I knew who it was yet I couldn’t turn around. Giving myself a pep talk seemed like the only valid option right now. Just turn around y/n, you’re going to look dumb if you’re the only one facing the opposite direction. I took a deep breath and turned around, my heart beating so loud I was afraid everyone could hear it.

At first I only saw Taehyung and Jimin, who I knew as Jungkooks best friends, but as I scanned my eyes over them, I started to break out in a cold sweat. Yoongi was standing there, a beer in his hand, his other hand running through his blonde hair, making me wonder how someone that angelic could exist.

“I’m glad that you could make it” Yoongi said, sliding his arm over Lisa’s shoulders.

Reality set in that all I’ll ever be is a stupid Duff. How could I for even one second think that Yoongi would look twice at me?

“Hey Cassie” Yoongi said, nodding his head in her direction.

Just as she was going to respond, he turned his head, his eyes boring into mine.

“And you are?” He asked. He didn’t say it in a way that was rude, just that he was genuinely curious who I was.

“Y/n” I said, surprised about how smooth that came out of my mouth.

“Nice to meet you, y/n.” He said, his eyes subtly moving up and down my body. Suddenly I felt very self-conscious. If my friends think they’re going to get away with letting me wear this stupid dress, they’re wrong. They’ll be hearing it tonight.  His eyes lingered for a second longer on my legs until he diverted his attention back to Lisa.

The way he said my name almost had me on the floor. I’ve imagined him so many times saying it, but my dreams didn’t do it justice.  

“Hey man!” I heard Taehyung yell, lightly brushing past me. “Didn’t think you’d come tonight!”

“Then you must not know me”

I could actually hear the smirk that was laced in his voice. It didn’t take me more than a second to know who that voice belonged too. I whipped around to see Jungkook standing there in his usual white t-shirt and jeans, and as I guessed it, a smirk on his face.

Okay, I can make it out of here befo-

“Ah, so the Duff has arrived.”

Shit.

I looked up to see that he was already staring at me, his eyes going a shade darker as he raked in my appearance, lightly biting his bottom lip. I’m going to blame the alcohol on the fact that I enjoyed the way Jungkook was looking at me. Once his eyes reached my face, he stared only a second longer before he diverted his attention back to Taehyung.

“Tae this is Duff, Duff, this is Tae.” He said, gesturing between the two of us.

“Fuck you, I have a name.” I snarled, irritated with myself for already giving Jungkook the reaction he wanted.

“Ah feisty” Taehyung said, laughing. “I like that.”

“I would say she’s more bitchy than feisty.” Jungkook joked, smiling at me.

“It was nice to meet you Taehyung, but I think it’s time I go.” I said, turning on my heels and walking back into the house. I couldn’t go home since Cassie decided to drive and there was no way she was going to want to leave now, we got here less than 20 minutes ago. I thought about Lisa with Yoongi and basically ran into the kitchen, taking a drink out of whatever bottle was closest to me.

Just as I was lifting the bottle back to my lips, it was taken away. I turned around, ready to yell at whoever did that, but stopped short when I saw Jungkook standing there against the counter.

“Since when did you turn into an alcoholic?” He asked, bringing the bottle up to his lips.

“Since my life started sucking.” I said, snatching the bottle out of his hands and taking a drink.

He lifted his eyebrows at me, watching me basically drink the whole bottle.

“Okay Duff, what has your life sucking so bad at this moment that you turned into an alcoholic” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

I wanted to tell him that basically it was me being a bad friend. I couldn’t just be happy for Lisa that she was seeing Yoongi, I had to act like a jealous bitch. Nobody knows about the crush I have on him, and here I am just taking it out on her. It’s not fair.

“Well first of all, you’re here.” I smirked, setting the bottle down on the counter.

“Ouch” He said dramatically, clutching his chest. “You should feel blessed that I’m over here talking to you right now and not Evelyn. Have you seen how hot she looks tonight?” He said, licking his lips.

I rolled my eyes and started walking into the living room, choosing to sit down on a sofa that surprisingly wasn’t occupied.  I felt the spot next to me dip down, indicating that Jungkook followed me. The alcohol was starting to hit me and I cursed myself for drinking so much when I knew that I was a lightweight.

“I never knew Yoongi was your type.”

If I were drinking something, I defiantly would’ve spit it out.

“W-what are you talking about?” I asked nervously, my face already turning a shade of red.

“You know what I’m talking about, Duff. When I walked over there I could literally see you drooling.”

“I was not drooling you jackass!” I yell, facing him.

He had a look on his face that I couldn’t quite decipher. It almost looked like jealousy but there was no way in hell Jungkook was jealous. I don’t think he has ever felt that emotion in his life.

“You might as well have been.” He said, his eyes boring into mine.

I never realized how close we were sitting, my bare thigh leaning against his leg and our shoulders touching. His eyes were slowly traveling down my face until they stopped at my lips and for some reason I found myself staring at his. I don’t know how long I can keep blaming the alcohol for my decisions, but that’s exactly what I’m going to do right now.

We both happened to lean in at the same time, our lips about to connect. Before they could even make contact, I was being ripped away.

“Y/n, Taehyung likes you!” Cassie yelled, jumping up and down excitedly.

It took me a minute to realize what had happened. I was about to kiss Jungkook. And I actually wanted to.  I looked back to see that he was no longer sitting on the sofa, having already disappeared into the crowd.

“Y/n, are you listening to me?!” Cassie asks, gently shaking me.

“Oh sorry what?” I ask, trying to gather my thoughts.

Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that Cassie pulled me away at that moment. God knows I would regret that when I woke up in the morning. But why do I feel like I’m just telling myself that to feel better? Why did I actually want to kiss him? No y/n you don’t. He’s just a douche that treats you like shit. After tonight I swear I’m never drinking again.

“Taehyung said he likes you!”

“He likes me? Cass, he doesn’t even know me.” I said, looking at her quizzically. Of course Taehyung was beautiful. He looked like he should be on the front cover of a magazine. Everyone loved him, and I mean everyone. He had that personality that just drew you to him. You could always see him with a boxy smile on his face, bringing good moods to anyone who was near him.

“Okay, maybe he didn’t exactly say the word like, but he implied it!” Cassie said, her smile as wide as her eyes.

What if this is all some sick joke? Jungkook is one of his best friends so he has to know about me being the Duff. I mean, he literally called me that in front of him. There is no way in hell someone like Taehyung would be interested in me. This has to be a dare that Jungkook gave him. 

“I highly doubt that.” I said, already done with this conversation.

“Y/n, why wouldn’t he like you? Are you still thinking about what Jungkook called you? He’s a fucking prick. Don’t listen to a word he says.”

Too late.

Honestly, I’m just done with tonight. From seeing Lisa with Yoongi to almost kissing Jungkook, I think it’s time that I just go to sleep.

“Listen, I’m just going to get an Uber and go home, okay?”

The look on my face must have been enough proof that I didn’t want to argue because she didn’t push it.

“Okay. Please text me as soon as you get home. Love you.” She said, wrapping me in a hug.

“I will, love you too” I said, pulling away and smiling at her.

The front yard almost looked as bad as the inside. People were passed out on the grass and broken beer bottles were everywhere. This is why I would never throw a party. As I was walking, I took out my phone to get an Uber when I ran into something hard.

“I’m so sorry!” I said immediately, looking up from my phone.

“It’s no problem. You’re y/n, right?”

I almost shit myself. I wish I could say I was joking but I wasn’t. There in front of me was Yoongi, still looking just as beautiful as he did hours before.

“U-uh yeah.” I said, pushing my hair behind my ear nervously. I seriously need to get it together.

“Are you leaving?” he asked, looking confused.

“Yeah, I’m just exhausted.” I said, looking anywhere but his face. As I stood there, I noticed Lisa wasn’t with him.  “Where’s Lisa?” I blurted out before he could speak.

He smiled his gummy smile and pointed behind me. “She’s inside looking for you actually.”

“When she comes back out here you can just tell her I’m getting an Uber and going home. I’ll text her when I get there.” I said, already ready to walk away and go curse myself out later for sounding like an idiot. 

“I can take you” He said, already pulling out his car keys.

Okay, how drunk am I? Is Yoongi really offering to take me home?

“No!” I said a little too quickly. “I mean no, it’s fine! I don’t want to inconvenience you”

“You’re not inconveniencing me y/n, I want to.”

“But Lisa is inside” I said, nervously wiping my hands on my dress.

“I’ll text her and tell her that you need a ride home so I’m taking you there.” He said, ruffling his hair out of his eyes.

And that is how I ended up in Yoongis car, halfway to my house.

[thubprint]

We get what we get

Normally I tell stories through videos, but not this one. Holding up a video camera can put distance between you and the experience, and this time I chose to be a part of the experience, 100%. This is the story of my second trip to Cuba. It's a clumsy romance.

My first visit to Cuba was chaotic. I didn't know the culture, the laws, or where to go to meet people, but by the end of it I had made some new friends including two ladies whom I promised I would see again soon. I only had contact with one of them, but I still prepared gifts to bring both of them on my return. (I'll use the pseudonyms 'Halo' and 'Luna', simply because I haven't asked their permission to publish any of this). I wasn't planning on 'playing the field', this was more like emotional security, like a backup plan. The truth is I had only known each of them for 3 days before leaving the first time and sometimes things are not what they seem. After only a few emails between Luna and myself I had revealed how much I regretted not kissing her on my last night there after we had spent hours dancing and holding hands, and she started using phrases like "I love you baby". Because of previous experiences this development seemed suspiciously rapid to me, and I was apprehensive. Maybe she does this kind of thing a lot? I took a defensive stance, and prepared for multiple scenarios. 

I was committed to following through however. If there was even a chance that love was waiting across the ocean, I was going to find out.

The weeks leading up to departure were stressful but I managed to publish videos while producing two weeks of pre-scheduled content, created gifts and mixtapes for friends in Cuba, saved up some money for the trip and paid my rent. I really thought I would make some kind of videos while there, but the night I arrived with no plan, no place to stay and very little understanding of spanish, things happened faster than I was able to arm a camera.

After being delivered by taxi to Prado St. and Malecon in Habana Viejo I thought I would simply find a wifi area, locate a hostel for the evening and settle down there for the night, then go see who I found first the next morning. I wasn't dragging my suitcase more than five minutes when I saw Luna. She was facing the other direction and wearing a red dress. I had tried to imagine this moment and what I would say but even If I had memorized lines I would have instantly forgotten them. She turned as she heard me walk up to her. We shared a smiling disbelief for the shortest eternity and then she leapt up into my arms - the long hug. Hearts connected. My suspicions about an ulterior motive melted away.

She helped me find a Casa Particulare to stay at. I had thought I might find a place for two days and look around to find a really pretty one for the rest of my trip, but I didn't end up spending enough time at home to care. I left my stuff there and gave her some of the presents I brought for her (purple and green air jordans and a pair of adidas 3/4 joggers) and we picked up right where we left off three months ago, walking alongside the ocean holding hands and smoking. We shared our first kiss that night, and I realized I was a fool for doubting this girl's heart. She had meant every word.

The next morning my hosts prepared me breakfast and I went to find Halo. I knew where she lived so I went there with the rollerblades I had  brought for her. Hers were stolen a few months back and she missed them a lot. I had thought maybe I could just leave them there for her but... she was home. She was also extremely excited to see me and I was happy too, but not quite the same way. We went rollerblading together until it started to rain, and we took shelter in a stairwell beside my Casa. I ran up to collect the rest of the gifts I had brought for her, some clothing, headphones and an mp3 player I had put a custom hip hop mix on.

As we sat watching the rain and talking, I wondered If I was making the right choice. The truth is though, life doesn't really have 'right' and 'wrong' choices, just choices. Halo is beautiful, cares deeply for her family and is driven to grow and make something of her life. She's in school to become a lawyer. For a lot of reasons, she might have been the 'smart' choice. I wasn't really thinking about any of those things though. I decided to follow my heart on this one. By which I mean the one who I laughed the most with, the one I was thinking about when I went to bed at night, and the one who took a risk trusting me with her feelings even though she didn't know me that well. I explained to Halo that I was seeing someone, and I was happy to see her again but we would simply be friends. The dissapointment was real, the rain appropriate.

At 2:00 I returned to Prado with the rest of the shoes I brought and easily found new owners for them. Luna was there and we went to a friend's place before heading to her mother's house. We bought a present for her mother on the way; it was meat. A big pork shoulder which sat uncovered and raw on the counter of a meat stand, with flies buzzing all over it. It's probably fine as long as its in the shade right? This stand also had pork rinds, and not the air-puffed from a sealed chip bag kind, more like all the bits and pieces of fat and skin from the cut meat, deep fried and salted and thrown in a plastic bucket on the counter. They were absolutely delicious.

Her mother's house was awesome. We stayed up late drinking and smoking, her mother kept serving coffee and juice, and there were more pork rinds made before dinner was served. The coffee is basically heavily sweetened espresso, and the juice is just fruit blended with water and the seeds strained out. It was a very happy place, and Luna's family is loud and fun. The next morning Luna's mother's boyfriend brought over a sack of mangoes from the tree in his yard, and I didn't know a mango could taste that good. Something about them ripening on the tree in the sun really kicks the flavour up!

If Luna and I wanted to have a sexy time however, this was not the best place for it. We shared a room with her grandmother who is saltier than the pork rinds. Plus when grandma needs help relieving herself in a bedpan in the middle of the night, that definetly kills any sexy mood that may have been around.

Luna and I did shower together, and that was dope. The word 'shower' might be a bit misleading. We just had a bucket of hot water and a cup to pour it with. It sure is nice to share that scenario with someone super hot, and soaping each other up is a memory I will hold close. The second time we showered the water was not hot which was kind of brutal, but it's a sacrifice I was happy to make in favor of some alone time.

After the second day there we returned to Prado so I could get some rest at my own place. Luna had noticed my temperature was getting really high, and I was starting to feel ill. We ran Into Halo when we got back who invited me to a party she was heading to, but I told her I needed to go home and rest. It sure is hard to watch her walk away though. She didn't even look back.

I was planning on going home, I really was. Then this dude came up to us and asked if we wanted to go to a party. I figured no, I was starting to feel really sick and I would have needed sleep even if i wasn't. "Only 2CUC for both of you! Drinks included!" The dude kept pressing. Luna clearly wanted to go, so the spirit of living for the moment won me over. "Have you got your passport?" Our new friend asked as we arrived at mi casa where I would quickly change. I told him I did not. "Oh, that's not good! You should always have your passport with you in Cuba!" Yeah, maybe. I didn't want to risk losing it, so whatever. I changed as quickly as possible (this was not that quickly) and the three of us headed to the bus. We arrived at a huge house with a gated yard crammed full of people. I handed our friend 10CUC but when he tried to get us in we were told the place was full and the booze was all gone. "I told you to be fast at your casa!" Well, I tried. He eventually got us in because there was a girl with us. Ain't nobody want no sausage fest. "Have your passport ready" he tells me. Um, wut? Why? "I told you to bring your passport!" No, you told me I should always have my passport. He starts talking the door guy into letting me in which eventually works, but not without the door guy looking down at me with the sternest expresson anyone has ever given anyone and saying; "No trouble from you, or we're going to have big problem. Understand?" Entiende. The party was pretty great. When we got there the music was Rage Against The Machine, Slipknot, System Of A Down and AFI, then suddenly the corpse-painted DJ switched to some kind of salsa music. An eclectic mix but we had a blast, We danced a ton, laughed a lot, and our friend kept showing up with rum and beer. As the night came to a close, Luna and I were going to go our separate ways but the buses were taking forever. I suggested she stay at my place, assuring her I had already asked if mi novia could stay over, and she accepted. 4:00 AM we stumble past the lady of the house who is sleeping on the couch and up the stairs to collapse on the bed. And I'm done.

The next two days were kind of a blur. We didn't wake up until a knock at the door at 1:00, thankfully breakfast was still waiting. I needed all the food I could find to keep up some strength because my fever got pretty high, around 39 degrees. We mostly spent two days being gross in bed, since she ended up sick as well. Thankfully she really likes video games and has a ton of them on her phone. NES emulators, GBA emulators, Five Nights At Freddy's 1-3 and Tekken 3. Getting sick on vacation is pretty crappy, but you could do a lot worse.

I wasnt feeling a lot better after those two days, but it was time to head back to her house for a gauntlet of birthday parties! Several days in a row. I can pretend to be an extrovert pretty well when the situation calls for it, but the next few days really wore me pretty thin. Thankfully they had enough medicine to keep me feeling okay, but the people and the music were loud, the house was small, and the single bed we were sharing was really uncomfortable. One of the birthdays was Luna's, (albeit a few days early) and I brought the rest of the gifts for her. These were a pair of bluetooth headphones and a bluetooth speaker (both rechargeable, both dumpster finds) and an mp3 player with an electronica mix I put together, as well as a big bag of M&Ms and sour patch kids. The candy was kind of a shot in the dark, but Cuba's candy game is weak so I was pretty confident it would be appreciated. Turns out she LOVES chocolate, so it was a good guess. I probably could have sold the headphones for a lot, but this was more fun. Her mom's house has a great view of the stars from the roof too and just as Luna is pointing this out to me, a shooting star flies over us. 

A goddamn shooting star.

I'm not telling what I wished for, and I didn't ask her.

I was seriously more done than I have ever been at this point though, which sucks because there is nowhere I'd rather be than around this lady when I'm feeling this crappy. She really takes care of her man. She even bought me a present! I guess in Cuba new clothes show up in heavy bags which get passed through different families before they end up in stores, and she sneakily bought me some new pairs of underwear. Which was perfect, because at this point my laundry plans have fallen apart and I really needed those! I couldn't stay any longer though, I was dead. We didn't actually leave until really late at night, and I explained that I just need some time alone to regenerate. It's 10:00 when I make it back to Prado, and I need medicine of my own and some food. The fever medicine was 2CUC, and I bought a pizza that I thought was going to be small because it was only 40CUP but it was actually way more than I could finish. Turns out street pizza is one of the things that is cheap in Cuba. So I brought that home with me along with some extra water and an orange soda. I noticed Luna had left her skateboard necklace in my room. 

My sleep was not great but at least when I woke up in a pool of sweat in the middle of the night I had a dry side of the bed to roll onto. I put on Luna's necklace in the morning, for no particular reason. When I was planning my errands for the day my friend Mario came by to see me, and he kept me company while I was running around. He was really helpful with the bus routes, and showed me this ice cream spot called Coppellia that takes up a whole city block. It was cheap too, 10CUP for way more ice cream than one person should eat! And I shouldn't have eaten it, because we had to run to catch our bus after and I felt an extra kind of gross now that I was bloated with ice cream.

We met up with Luna back at Prado and just wasted time skateboarding and chilling with friends. I still wasn't feeling the best but at least I had my own medication for the fever now. She thought it was super cute that I was wearing her necklace. Her actual birthday was the next day so when we were winding down for the night at my casa her phone was straight blowing up just as midnight arrived. She is so loved by so many people! It's easy to see why. She cares for her friends and treats them as family, she's really aware of how people are feeling and is always keeping people smiling and getting them moving and dancing. She brings so much energy to a group, it's a real joy to be near her.

I was starting to worry about her eating though, I realized I almost never see her eat anything unless we're at her mother's house for dinner. Maybe she was just being polite not wanting to eat my breakfast, but I would have been happier seeing her eat. Eating alone feels wierd when there are other people around not eating.

When we went out the next day to gather friends for her birthday we discovered one of her friends was getting married! We joined the wedding party, and I was amazed at the old building they were having the ceremony in. Another friend came from Vancouver to suprise her on her birthday, and brought her a brand new skate deck as a present. Those are not easy to find in Cuba! Luna kept saying how happy she was all day. It did seem like a great birthday. After collecting friends and meat and beer we hauled back to her mother's house to be loud and rowdy. Also picked up some cake on the way, another thing that can be cheap in cuba (4CUC).

Later on in the night though the smile faded from her face, so I asked her why. She was thinking about her father. Father's day was the next day and hers had died three years ago. Lung cancer. I'm not very good with these sorts of things but I was happy to be there with her even knowing there was nothing I could do. What do you do, when the person who keeps everyone's spirits up is feeling down? If there is a right answer I couldn't think of it at the time.

The next few days we just watched scary movies, skated with friends, ate pizza and tried not to get sunburned. It rained fairly often so that wasn't as hard as one might think. I never did make time to do laundry, the few windows of opportunity I had were rained out and nobody uses a clothes dryer there. Some might not agree with how I spent my limited time in a faraway land, perhaps they would see more value in taking photos of historic sites, riding horses through tobacco plantations or bartering in markets for handmade silver jewellery. I could have done any of those, but wandering the dirty streets of Habana holding hands with Luna seemed like more of a once in a lifetime opportunity to me. These two weeks might be all we ever get, and I think we both knew that.

As my time in Cuba drew short we joined some friends from Norway to spend a few days out on the beaches in Varadero. It was a bit more expensive than Habana but the beach was gorgeous. "Just like a windows screensaver", as Tuva put it. At the time I was a little annoyed to only have one small towel and have to share it between Luna and myself. As we lay together on the sand under the partial shade of a tree however, I looked up at the curves of her face and the sea salt on them which sparkled in the bright sun and knew I was looking at something beautiful I would never forget. Perhaps I wouldn't have seen it if I brought two towels! We all spent the night drinking beer and dancing on the sand, because of course Luna turns everything into a dance party.

When we went back I didn't have a casa because I was pretty much out of money, so we spent our last night together curled up at her house watching cartoons, playing xbox and eating cake and ice cream. We ate actual dinner too, she's a really good cook. (I don't know what it was but it had beef in it). Leaving the next day was not something I wanted to do at all. I almost missed my bus and wasn't sure I even cared. I didn't know what to expect from this trip but I wasn't prepared to fall for an amazing dream girl who totally loves me. We enjoy so many of the same things and did pretty well despite only having the most basic understanding of each other's languages. We come from such different worlds though, it's difficult to imagine what sort of a future we could hope for together. I have a whole life in Canada, and she is like a beautiful vibrant flower in a wild tropical garden. I can't simply pluck her from her native soil and take her somewhere else, she would not be the same without her family and friends and sun and food and music to nourish her heart and soul. Maybe these two enchanted weeks are all we get. I hope that isn't the case but relationships are like that. There are times with people that you just want to last forever but they never do, so it's important to make the most of the time you do have together.

I'm going to keep practicing skateboarding so if I do see Luna again, I'll be able to at least land an ollie.

Leave it better than you found it, and keep doing the thing.

[massivedrickhead]

One More Year: Chapter 25

Longer chapter than I'd planned but I got a bit carried away :P

Please review, it would make me super happy :)

Fanfic.net link

I do not own Pitch Perfect or any of its characters

Chapter 25

Merry Christmas Chloe thought to herself, gloomily, at 6:30am on Christmas morning. She looked down at her bedroom floor which now had two camp-beds set up, ready for her sixteen year old twin girl cousins. Twins ran in her family.

She could hear both Aliza and Robbie talking quietly outside her door. She could hear Johnny moving around upstairs in his attic bedroom. She could hear a muffled conversation between her parents happening downstairs, mixed with the sound of her mother chopping vegetables.

"Chloe?" Aliza whispered from outside her door. "Are you awake?"

Chloe smiled, and braced herself before replying. She knew that this was likely to be her last quiet moment until tomorrow afternoon.

"Yes," Chloe replied. "You guys can come in."

The door opened and Aliza and Robbie ran into her room, both talking loudly and rapidly.

"Okay, okay," Chloe said, holding her hands up. "Not so loud, it's still very early."

"But Chloe, it's Christmas!" Robbie said, jumping up and down.

Chloe laughed and shook her head.

"You'd better go and wake Lucy up then," Chloe said, and they both ran giggling out of her room.

She picked up her phone and sent Beca a text.

Chloe: Merry Christmas! :) xxxxx

She knew Beca probably wouldn't be up for hours yet, and she was a little jealous that she couldn't just lie back down and sleep for a few more hours.

To her surprise, her phone buzzed with a reply almost instantly.

Beca: What in God's name are you doing awake at this time of the morning? P.S. Merry Christmas xxx

Chloe: I have younger siblings, so Christmas starts the second they wake up. The real question is what are you doing awake? xxx

Beca: Some weirdo text me at 6:45am saying Merry Christmas xxx

Chloe: Well that weirdo sounds awesome and very pretty xxx

Beca: She's okay I guess. Can I go back to sleep now? xxx

Chloe: You're so lucky that that's even an option. Enjoy your nap, love you :) xxx

Beca: Love you too xxx

Once everyone was up and dressed, the five Beale kids made their way downstairs.

Their Mom was in the kitchen, cooking Christmas dinner, and their dad had fallen asleep in the armchair in the living room. He had to leave in a few hours to pick up his sister and her family. Her dad didn't drink so he was perfectly happy to make the 45 minute trip to pick them up and drop them off so they didn't have to worry.

They all piled into the living room and exchanged hugs and Merry Christmases and then gifts.

Being a large family, there was never many to open, but none of them minded. Once everything was handed out and unwrapped, Chloe's Mom spotted an extra present under the tree.

"Oh, Chloe this ones for you," she said, reading the tag.

Chloe frowned, puzzled, before taking it and looking at the tag. She recognised Beca's sloppy handwriting and she smiled. They had both agreed not to get each other a present, but that hadn't stopped either of them from sneaking the gift under the other's tree when they weren't looking.

Chloe unwrapped in and found an envelope inside with a USB taped to it.

Inside the envelope was a note, and a small stack of photographs.

'Some photos for your wall, and some new mixes.

Merry Christmas.

I love you.

Beca xx'

As everyone entertained themselves with their new gifts, Chloe looked through the pictures and with each one her smile got bigger.

There was the selfie Beca had taken when they were hanging out in the den. Chloe had been trying to hide behind Beca, but you could still see her and the smile that had spread across her face.

There was the one when she'd surprised Beca by kissing her on the cheek at the last second.

There was one of her playing with Jasper that she hadn't even known Beca had took.

One of the whole group of them at the Christmas party they'd had. Beca was absent from this one, having been the one who took the photo.

A candid one of her and Aubrey, laughing at something.

A posed one that Beca had asked Jesse to take when they went to see the Bellas perform.

"Mommy Beca and Chloe are kissing on this one!" Robbie squealed as he peered over her shoulder.

Chloe blushed and quickly turned it over. On the back, Beca had written 'Your friend Aubrey is a real creep.' Chloe turned it over again and saw it had been taken on one of the occasions they'd all hung out. Beca and Chloe were separate from the group and had been caught by Aubrey sharing a quick kiss.

"Maybe I'll look at the rest later," Chloe said, embarrassed but happy. The rest of her family were still laughing at the scandalised look on Robbie's face.

"Well, I'd best go pick up Julie," her dad said, looking at his watch.

"And I'd best carry on with dinner," her Mom said. "If everyone could take their stuff upstairs that would be super helpful. Your uncle Tommy and aunt Carol will be here soon with the kids, and aunt Lizzy won't be far behind."

Chloe felt her stomach turn slightly. She loved her uncle Tommy and aunt Lizzy. They were her Mom's brother and sister and they were a lot like her Mom. Funny and kind and understanding. Lizzy was a little older than her Mom, and had never married or had kids, but didn't seem to care.

But she didn't like aunt Carol. None of them really liked aunt Carol. Carol was… a bit of a bitch. And so were her sixteen year old daughters, if Chloe was being honest. All three of them thought they were better than the rest of them, with their big house and fancy car. Tommy told her secretly one year that he comes over for Christmas dinner because Carol is such an awful cook that he would rather travel for six hours on Christmas morning than eat her food.

But because it took so long to get there, they always stayed the night. Carol, Tommy, and their young son would stay in Lucy's room because it was the biggest. Lucy would share with the Robbie and Aliza, and Chloe had the twin cousins.

Their son Daniel was now only four, and very sweet, and Chloe hoped that his bright blue eyes and ginger hair meant he would take after his dad. The blonde twins definitely took after their Mom.

"When are grandma and grandpa coming?" Lucy asked.

"Noon, I think," her Mom said, looking at her watch.

"Mom," Chloe asked quietly, "do they know? About Beca, I mean."

"They do," her Mom said. "I told them when you guys first started dating. They're both totally fine with it."

"Okay," Chloe said, relieved.

"The same with Julie, and Lizzy and Tommy. They all know and no one has any issue," her Mom said. Chloe couldn't help but notice the way she hadn't included Carol's name in that list.

She knew Julie, her husband Frank and their fourteen-year-old Max wouldn't have an issue. She knew Lizzy and Tommy wouldn't have an issue. But Carol…

"If she says anything," her Mom said, reading her mind, "just ignore her. I know that that's not a great solution. I know today is going to be tough for you, and she isn't going to make it any easier. But just ignore her. I would kick her out if I could, but it's Christmas so," her Mom shrugged, "I'm stuck with her." She kissed Chloe on the forehead. "Go and take your stuff upstairs and enjoy the quiet while you have it, okay?"

Chloe nodded and took her gifts up to her room. She sat on her bed and text Beca.

Chloe: Your gift was the cutest thing ever. I loved it, thank you so much. Although next time, maybe warn me if there's a picture of us kissing so I can open it in private. I've probably traumatised Robbie. xxx

Once again, Chloe was surprised when Beca replied immediately.

Beca: Ooops! Tell him I'm sorry and that I'll pay for his therapy when he's older. Also, dude, thank you so much for my present. I love it, it's beautiful. But also way more expensive than printing off a bunch of photographs, so you'll have to let me make up for that xxx

Chloe: If you recall, that was your second Christmas present to me. You took me to see the Bellas, remember? I know the tickets were free but the gas to drive us there wasn't. xxx

Beca: I'm still going to make up for it xxx

Beca: How's it going? xxx

Chloe: They're all on their way. I'm just savouring the silence. xxx

Beca: Remember, I'm only a text or a phone call away. xxx

Initially, Chloe thought that maybe she'd be able to handle it all. Once all the family had arrived, they all crammed into the living room and caught up with each other. It had been a long time since Chloe had seen most of them, considering that they hadn't come for Christmas last year. Chloe found that, with regular trips to the kitchen to help her Mom and aunt Lizzy with dinner, she was able to handle the seemingly constant questions fine.

That was, until, her grandma brought up Beca.

"Your Mom said she's a lovely young girl," her grandma said, smiling, "how did you meet?"

She was aware that a few other conversations had fallen quiet. Carol was watching, and her two twins had stopped texting and looked up, clearly interested.

"Just at school. She gave me a ride home once and we sort of just hit it off," Chloe said.

Aunt Carol had pursed her lips and taken another drink of her mimosa. She was already on her second.

"So, like, are you guys like, out at school and everything? Like do you hold hands and stuff?" Bethany, one of the twins said.

"Um yeah pretty much," Chloe said.

"Wow," Lindsey, the other twin, said. "Like, no offence, but if that happened at our school, then those girls would be like, totally shunned."

"Why?" Chloe asked.

"Because, like, I mean you're just asking to get bullied aren't you?" She said. "Like aren't your friends totally weirded out by you being a lesbian? Aren't they like, scared to change in front of you and stuff?"

"No," Chloe replied. "And I'm not a lesbian, I'm bi."

"What's that dear?" Her grandma asked, leaning forward so she could hear better.

"I said I was bi. It's short for bisexual. It means I like boys and girls," Chloe said, embarrassed that she was having to have this conversation with her grandma.

"Ohh, like your Mom!" Her grandpa said, happily.

Chloe smiled, relieved.

"Well there's hope for you yet then," Carol said, with a cackle of a laugh. "Still time to get yourself a nice husband."

Chloe winced.

"So your friends really don't care?" Lindsey asked, not willing to drop it.

"No."

"Oh my god, I totally would," she said.

"Me too," Bethany replied. "Like, they don't let boys in the girls' locker room so like, why would they let lesbians? It's like really weird. No offence."

"I guess my friends are just a bit more mature than you," Chloe said. At some point, Johnny had put his hand on her back.

"Excuse me, my daughter's are very mature," Carol said.

"They really seem it," Johnny muttered.

"What was that?"

"God, leave it Carol will you?" Tommy said, rolling his eyes. "And girls, leave Chloe alone. She was trying to tell Grandma about her girlfriend, she doesn't need you two trying to make her feel bad."

A silence followed, and just as Chloe was about to excuse herself, Aliza piped up.

"I like Beca," she said.

"Me too," said Robbie.

"Come on Luce," one of the twins said, expecting Lucy to join them, "you must feel embarrassed about it. Like, no offence, but if like Bethany was suddenly a lesbian and had a girlfriend, I'd feel so embarrassed I'd be like, oh my god, my sister is a social outcast."

"Oh my god, no offence, me too," Bethany said.

"Actually, Beca's really cool. And I don't care what kids at school say. I'm really proud of Chloe for having the courage to be who she is," Lucy said, clearly having enough.

"Me too," Johnny said.

"Well said Lucy," Julie said, quietly.

"Right, are we done grilling Chloe about her girlfriend now?" Tommy asked, clearly annoyed by his wife and daughter's behaviour.

"Who's been grilling Chloe?" Her dad asked, walking in from the garden where he'd been with his brother in law, showing off his new greenhouse. "I don't think she'll taste very nice."

The younger kids giggled, and the older ones groaned and rolled their eyes.

"Well there isn't a lot of meat on her, that's for sure," Carol said.

"Carol," Tommy said, in a warning voice.

"What?" Carol said with another cackle. "Jeez it was just a joke."

"Oh don't make jokes like that," Chloe's grandma said. "It isn't nice."

Chloe felt her face burning, and all she wanted to do was disappear. She felt pressure on her hand and looked down to see Lucy holding it. None of the Beale kids thought this was funny. They remembered last Christmas too painfully for any of this to be funny.

"Dinner's ready!" Chloe's mom called from into the kitchen, and Chloe felt her heart sink further.

She tried to sit as far away from Carol and her twins as she could, but she ended up opposite them. Carol was on her fourth drink by the time they sat down.

"Maybe make that your last," Tommy said.

"Oh lighten up Tommy, it's Christmas after all!"

As the rest of the family helped themselves, to meet and vegetables and the several different kids of potatoes, Chloe's Mom filled Chloe's plate for her.

"Can't she do it herself?" Carol asked.

Chloe wondered what it was she'd done to deserve being Carol's target this year. Usually, Carol just made snide comments about her Mom's cooking, or told Johnny he needed a hair cut, or berated her husband. This year, Chloe was getting the brunt of it. She wondered if it was that, because of her, Carol was forced to cook her own Christmas dinner last year.

Chloe's Mom ignored her, and put down Chloe's plate in front of her.

Chloe looked down and saw that she had considerably less than everyone else, except probably her grandmother, Aliza, Robbie, and four-year-old Daniel. But it still looked like too much.

Soon everyone was tucking in, and the conversations soon turned to just how delicious the food was. Carol's comment about the turkey being a bit dry was drowned out by everyone else praising it.

Chloe wasn't listening to any of them. She was just trying to make her way through as much of it as she could. But she knew before she'd even sat down that she wasn't going to be able to do it. The conversations from earlier had rattled her, and it felt like every mouthful was sticking in her throat.

Soon, almost every plate was clean except for Chloe's.

"Not hungry, Chloe?" Carol asked.

Chloe felt tears in her eyes.

"Why don't we head back into the living room?" Her dad said.

"Unless you want to help me clean up," Chloe's mom added.

Chloe heard some of them laugh and then the sound of scraping chairs. Her eyes didn't leave her plate. Her knife and fork were still clenched tightly in her hand.

She heard her Mom sigh behind her. "I need you to eat more than that, sweetie."

Chloe nodded and wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. "I know," she said.

"Why is aunt Carol being such a bitch?" Lucy asked. Chloe looked up, surprised that Lucy hadn't left. Neither had her aunt Lizzy who was helping her Mom clean up.

"Has she been saying stuff?" Her Mom asked.

"She and her moronic daughters have been giving Chloe shit for having a girlfriend," Johnny said, walking into the kitchen and sitting down at the table. "Now she's complaining that Chloe didn't eat anything. 'I thought that was why they didn't do Christmas last year, because she wouldn't eat.'" Johnny said, doing a perfect impression. "'Well it didn't work, she still isn't eating!' Dad looks like he wants to throw her out."

Her Mom sighed and sat beside Chloe. "Don't listen to anything she says," she said, wiping the tears off Chloe's cheeks.

"Listen, anyone who has a 'Women for Trump' bumper sticker shouldn't be given the power to make you cry, okay?" Lizzy said. "Come on you two," she added to Johnny and Lucy, "let's let the girl finish her dinner without an audience."

Chloe sat for another half an hour, but had still hardly made a dent in her now cold dinner.

"Oh my god, are you still working on that?" Carol asked, walking into the kitchen with her empty glass. "Anymore wine Maggie?" She added, handing her glass to Chloe's Mom.

"Mom, can I text Beca please?" Chloe said.

Her Mom sighed slightly. "Sure sweetie," she said.

Carol made a noise.

"Something wrong Carol?" Chloe's Mom asked, a harsh edge to her voice.

"Oh, it's just that my girls aren't allowed on their phones during dinner," she said.

"Good for you," her Mom said, wishing she could just throw this woman out of her house.

Chloe had already pulled out her phone and texted Beca.

Chloe: I need you.

Her phone buzzed almost immediately.

Beca: I'm on my way xx

[unfolded73]

Another New York City Serenade (7/7) - COMPLETE

Thanks again to everyone who read/liked/reblogged/commented/kudosed/sent me messages or otherwise flailed at this fic, helping me to survive the winter and the hiatus. I love you all.

Summary: With the visitors from Arendelle gone and Gold banished, Emma and Killian’s relationship continues to deepen, especially when an excuse for a road trip away from Storybrooke falls into their laps. (A S4 hiatus story).

Beta: @j-philly-b

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 3895 this chapter/30k overall

(tagging @kmomof4 @this-too-too-sullied-flesh @cherrywolf713 @stardusted-nymph upon request)

CHAPTER 1 |  CHAPTER 2 | CHAPTER 3 | CHAPTER 4 | CHAPTER 5 | CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

Killian opened his eyes to the now-familiar surroundings of his room at Granny’s, faintly lit in the pre-dawn glow. He groaned, stretching his limbs in an attempt to banish the ache caused by too many hours sitting in Emma’s automobile the previous day. They’d both been exhausted when Emma pulled into town, and had limited themselves to a brief goodnight before he climbed out of the car and Emma drove off to pick Henry up from Regina’s house.

The whole trip to New York felt a little bit like a dream now. As he got dressed, Killian caught himself staring at a stray earring of Emma’s he had found on the floor the previous week and had neglected to return to her. He picked it up, squeezing it tightly between his fingers to reassure himself that she was real. That he hadn’t somehow dreamed up their entire relationship.

Belle was already working behind the circulation desk when he arrived at the library after breakfast. “Killian! Glad to see you made it home in one piece,” she said as she loaded returned books onto a cart. “Before you ask, I’ve been looking, but I haven’t found any sign of that crystal at the pawn shop.”

“Wasn’t really expecting you to, love.” He took a deep breath, trying to feign optimism about the task that lay ahead of them. “We’ll find some other way.”

Belle’s lips flattened out in an attempt at a smile. “I hope so. Was it a good trip otherwise?”

“For the most part,” he said.

“‘For the most part?’” Her head tilted to the side as she regarded him. “I was hoping for your sake it would be a bit romantic, at least.”

Killian wasn’t sure what to say to Belle. There was a lot of unfortunate history between them, and much he had to be ashamed of. If their alliance was growing into a friendship, what was appropriate to share with a platonic female friend who was grieving a heartbreaking betrayal so recently?

“It was.” He reached for something innocuous to tell her. “She took me dancing at some sort of club; quite different from the balls in the Enchanted Forest.”

Belle laughed. “I bet it was.” She started to turn back to her books, but seemed to think better of it. “Are you okay? You seem a little bit down.”

“I’m not, I’m… I don’t know.” Belle just watched him, waiting. “We quarreled while we were there, and although in the end she forgave me quite easily, it left me feeling disconcerted.”

“It’s normal for couples to argue, Killian.”

“I know. It’s not the fact that we argued, it’s what it made me realize about myself.”

Belle came out from behind the circulation desk to stand nearer to him. “And what’s that?”

“I spent centuries only motivated by a quest for vengeance. And then I met Emma, and she… it was like she filled up all the broken places inside me. Revenge no longer drove me, or so I thought.”

“But?”

“I shouldn’t be talking to you about this, love. The last thing you need is to be burdened with my dark musings.” He scrubbed his hand over his face.

Belle was unimpressed with his angst. “Just tell me.”

“There was a moment in New York, after we realized that Gold had stolen the crystal, that I swear if he had been standing in front of me, I wouldn’t have hesitated to kill him right then and there.” He sighed. “It made me wonder if I’m no better than I was. If perhaps there’s some dark part of me, some weak part that I’ve tried to bury, for whom Emma is just a distraction.”

If he expected Belle to flinch or shy away, she didn’t. “We all have darkness, Killian. It’s just a matter of whether you allow it to rule you.”

“Some of us have more darkness than others.”

“Perhaps,” she conceded. “But do you know what I think? I see the capacity for a lot of good in you. I see a lot of kindness. You just have to put your faith in the man you know you want to be, not in the man you fear you are.”

~*~

Emma sat across from Henry in the diner booth at Granny’s and watched as he dug into his huge piece of chocolate cake.

“How’s the cake, kiddo?”

“Fine.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “You didn’t have to buy me cake just because you were out of town for a few days, you know.”

“I didn’t buy it because of that… mostly.” She shrugged. “I felt a little guilty for leaving you behind, that’s all.”

“I told you, I get it. I mean, I don’t get it in the sense that I don’t really understand romantic stuff. But I get it.” He took another overly large bite, chewed, and swallowed. “So you think the crystal you guys were looking for is gone forever?”

“Probably. Belle can’t find it, so either Gold destroyed it or he took it with him. But I’m sure Belle and Killian will find another way to get the fairies out of that hat,” she assured him.

“Yeah.”

In fact, Killian and Belle had redoubled their research efforts, and she’d seen little of him since they returned to Storybrooke. Emma’s mind drifted back to the last morning in New York, the way Killian had woken her gently by tracing a finger over the top of her hand where it rested between them on the bed. Even though he woke up at the crack of dawn, it had been nice, waking up together. Now they were back to stolen moments wedged in between all of their obligations.

“Do you think you and Hook are gonna move in together?” Henry mumbled, his mouth full of chocolate.

Emma almost spit her cocoa out, and she had to overcome a coughing fit before she could respond. “What? No. What?”

“Mom, it’s not that crazy. He’s staying at Granny’s, you’re crammed in with grandma and granddad and the baby.”

“Yeah, but that’s not a reason to move in together.”

Henry rolled his eyes. “Obviously, but also you’re dating.”

Emma allowed herself to picture it. Him being the last person she saw before she closed her eyes every night and the first person she saw when she woke up. His toothbrush next to hers in the bathroom, his rather terrifying straight razor beside the sink. Perhaps occasionally beckoning him into the shower like she had on that final morning in the hotel, their hands on each other slippery with soap, then her back pressed against the cold tile, Killian dropping to his knees and encouraging her to prop one leg up on his shoulder...

Shaking herself, Emma picked up her ice water and took a sip. “It’s way too soon to move in together.”

With a shrug, Henry dug into his cake again. “Okay.”

“But just hypothetically…” Emma said. “If, far in the future, we did move in together… you’d be okay with that? You wouldn’t mind?”

“If I mope about it, will you buy me more cake?”

“Henry, be serious.”

Henry looked up and seemed to consider it. “I don’t know. I like Hook, but it would be weird.”

“Too weird?”

He shrugged again. “Ask me again when the idea doesn’t make you spit your cocoa on me, I guess.”

“I didn’t—” Emma stopped her protestation and nodded. “Okay. It’s a deal.”

~*~

Pulling out his mobile telephone, Killian saw that an unfamiliar number was ringing him. Of course, other than Emma and now Belle, all numbers were unfamiliar. He pressed the Talk button and held it to his ear.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Hook, it’s Mary Margaret,” Snow said. “I was wondering if you wanted to come over to the loft and have lunch with me today.”

He gaped a bit like a fish out of water. “To what do I owe the honor, milady?”

“Settle down, I’m not inviting you to a royal ball, it’s just lunch.”

“In that event, I will forego any formal attire and would be happy to accept.”

A couple of hours later he was knocking nervously on the door of the Charmings’ apartment, wondering how bad, on a scale from understated disapproval to banishment, Snow White’s ulterior motive was for summoning him to eat a meal with her.

“Come in,” he heard Snow call, so he opened the door and walked into the sunny space.

She was stirring something in a large stew pot on stove. “Make yourself at home; this should be ready soon. How are you, Hook?”

Killian busied himself with hanging his jacket up. “I’m well. And yourself?”

She sighed. "Neal is teething and waking us up at all hours, but I’m fine otherwise. He’s napping now,” she explained.

Killian walked over the breakfast bar and sat on one of the stools. “At least the lad is healthy, yes?”

“Oh, yeah. We just had a checkup with the doctor last week and he’s doing great.”

“Glad to hear it.”

A silence settled between them as Snow busied herself returning spices to her spice cabinet and tidying up the kitchen. “I’ve hardly seen you since you and Emma got back from your trip.”

“I’ve been spending much of my time in the library, trying to find another solution to free those that the Dark One imprisoned.”

She tilted her head at him. “You do look tired. I hope you aren’t working too hard.”

“Poring over old manuscripts is tedious and frustrating, but I wouldn’t call it hard work. I spent many a year on my ship demanding hard work of sailors, and before that having it demanded of me. The gentleman’s labor of library research is easy by comparison.”

“You always worked on ships?”

“Aye, from the time I was a boy. My brother Liam and I were indentured from a young age. Once Liam was able to buy our freedom…” He clenched his jaw, shoving his shameful memories of that time aside. “Long story short, we were able to join the Royal Navy.”

“Ah, that must be where your education and manners come from,” Snow said, seemingly delighted at this new piece of the Captain Hook puzzle. “I always thought you seemed very well-spoken for a pirate — when you chose to be, anyway.”

“I certainly have the Navy to thank for any formal education. I've also had a lot of years since in which to catch up on my reading.”

“I suppose that's true,” she said with a chuckle, checking the contents of her stew pot.

Killian cleared his throat. “It probably won’t surprise you to know that I was trepidatious about your lunch invitation.”

“What, did you think I was bringing you here to order you to keep your hands off my daughter?” she said with a laugh.

“The thought did occur.”

Snow rolled her eyes. “It’s a little late for that, and it’s not like I have any say in who Emma dates, and what gave you the idea I disapproved of the two of you anyway?”

He flushed, looking down at the countertop. “It sort of stands to reason.”

“Well, relax. I have no intention of issuing any royal proclamations when it comes to Emma’s love life. I swear my only motivation in inviting you here was to feed you a home-cooked meal, because I would imagine those have been in short supply for you lately. Or maybe always?” Snow said as she ladled stew into a bowl. “I’m trying to duplicate a fish stew that our royal cook used to serve when I was a girl, and I figured who better to taste-test it than our local pirate?”

Killian grinned. “In that case, I am at your service.”

“Good,” she said, putting the bowl in front of him. “Let it cool off a little before you try it.”

Stirring the hot stew with his spoon, Killian let the steam warm his face. “You were right that home-cooked meals have been a rare luxury in my life. My father could barely be bothered to put any kind of food in front of us most of the time.”

“And your mother?”

He swallowed. “I never knew my mother.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry.”

Killian shrugged. “You can’t miss what you’ve never had,” he said, knowing it was untrue even as the words came out of his mouth. He took a bite of the stew, savoring the flavors of it. “This is delicious. Best thing I’ve had since I came to this realm.”

“You’re just saying that,” Snow said, blushing faintly. “Although you are welcome to eat with us any time if it comes with such lovely compliments.”

“I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“It’s not an imposition.” She sat next to him with her own bowl. “You know, I’ve watched you work to be a better man and to win my daughter’s heart. I’ve watched you learning to live in this realm, and I’m sure it’s harder for you than you let on most of the time. But there’s one more thing that I’m going to insist that you also learn to live with.”

“What’s that?”

Snow reached out and put her hand over his hook where it was resting on top of the table. “Family.”

~*~

Emma pulled her sweater off over her head, her hair collecting static and briefly sticking up in all directions. “We have half an hour before my parents get back.”

Killian’s hand froze as he pulled the end of his belt back to unbuckle it, and Emma’s gaze dragged down from his kiss-bruised lips and zeroed in on the bulge in his jeans. “That’s cutting it rather close; are you sure about this?”

She rucked her own pants down her legs, sitting down on her bed in the loft to remove them. “Am I sure I need to get laid right now? Absolutely. It’s been almost a week and I am willing to risk it.”

“That’s easy for you to say, you’re not the one that your father will lock in the town jail at best if they walk in on us.” Nonetheless, he continued efficiently removing his clothes. His nimble fingers working the buttons of his shirt and revealing more and more of his chest was stupidly mesmerizing, and she took a few seconds to watch him work.

“Just keep an ear out for the door downstairs and it’ll be fine,” she said as she reached behind her back to unfasten her bra. She let it slide down her arms before she tossed it away.

“Stop,” Killian said as her hands went to her hips to pull her underwear off. “Let me.” His warm fingers on one side and his hook on the other, he slowly slid the fabric down her legs, and Emma couldn’t help but shiver at the raw desire she saw in his eyes.

They got under the covers together and he pressed her down into the mattress and God, she was so turned on she hardly would’ve cared if the whole town walked in on them. She writhed underneath him, letting her legs fall open and shamelessly grinding against his erection. As Killian leaned down to kiss her, the muffled sound of her cell phone ringing reached her ears.

“Ignore it,” she mumbled against his mouth before he suggested otherwise.

“I was planning on it.”

The ringing stopped, and then almost immediately started again.

“God dammit,” Emma groaned, pushing Killian off of her and fumbling beside the bed for her jeans. She pulled the phone from her pocket and answered the call. “Hello?” she said impatiently.

“Mom, did I leave my 3DS at the loft?”

She sighed heavily. “I don’t know, Henry, I haven’t seen it.”

“Can you look for it?”

Killian’s mouth descended on her collarbone, his teeth teasing her skin. “Not right now,” Emma said through clenched teeth. “I’ll look later, and I’ll bring it to Regina’s if I find it, okay?”

“Thanks!”

“Sorry about that.” She tossed the phone onto the bedside table and reached down to close her hand around his cock, making him gasp.

His hips flexed, his erection sliding through her fist. “On second thought, I fear half an hour may be an optimistic assessment of my prowess tonight, love. I feel like I haven’t made love to you in an age.”

“Same here.” His hand slipped between her legs and it was Emma’s turn to gasp. “Fuck, just get inside me, I don’t need foreplay,” she gritted.

He didn’t need to be told twice. Emma wrapped her legs around his waist and he lined himself up and pushed into her, making both of them moan. “By all the gods, you feel unbelievable,” he said against her mouth. He started a quick rhythm, his pelvis grinding against hers at the apex of every thrust, and he felt so good, so good…

Emma’s phone rang again, and this time the ringtone told her it was a forwarded call from the sheriff’s station.

“Don’t you dare answer that,” Killian said.

“I have to, it might be an emergency.” She reached over and grabbed for her phone, almost dropping it before she managed to answer the call.

“Sheriff,” she said, trying to school her voice to neutral. Killian stilled, but the sensation of him inside her was quite distracting.

“We’ve got a problem, sister.”

Emma almost laughed out loud. Of course it was Grumpy. Of course. “What can I do for you, Leroy?” Killian collapsed against her, whispering swears into the crook of her neck.

“Grand larceny is what’s going on. I had some very valuable ... vintage magazines in a box in our garage, and the box has been stolen.”

“Vintage magazines?” Emma groaned, not a little bit because of the way Killian’s tongue was running along her skin. She had never been so simultaneously aroused and disgusted in her life, assuming ‘vintage magazines’ meant what she thought it did.

“That’s what I said. Vintage magazines.”

Without really meaning to, Emma flexed her pelvic muscles, squeezing Killian from the inside. He groaned softly into her ear. “I can come out and take a look first thing tomorrow morning,” she said into the phone, her other hand coming up to stroke Killian’s hair.

“The trail will be cold by then! You need to come take a look now!”

I’m with my boyfriend, she was tempted to respond, and he is literally inside me while I’m talking to you. Imagining the look on Grumpy’s face in reaction to such a proclamation made her bite her lip to keep from laughing. Instead she said, “Are you sure one of your brothers didn’t just borrow them?”

The line went silent, and this time when Emma flexed her pelvic muscles, it was entirely on purpose. Killian whimpered and moved inside her, like he couldn’t help it. She shivered as she felt his teeth scrape against her neck.

“Happy! Did you take my magazines from the garage?!” Emma winced and held the phone away from her ear. If Grumpy was covering up the phone speaker to shout at his brother, he was not doing a very good job. Her other hand left Killian’s hair and scratched down the firm plane of his back.

There was a muffled response that Emma couldn’t make out through the phone, and then Grumpy said, “Sorry to bother you, Sheriff,” before abruptly disconnecting the call.

Emma let her hand drop and the phone fall out of it onto the rug. “Sorry again.”

“You are a vile temptress,” Killian responded, pistoning his hips. His thrusts picked up speed, his hot breath panting out against her neck, and it felt wonderful, but Emma had lost the pleasurable momentum that had been driving her forward. Figuring they didn’t have time to slow down and get her back in the mood, she made all the right noises, encouraging Killian until he spilled inside her with a pained groan.

After a few seconds, he lifted his head and regarded her. “You didn’t orgasm, did you?”

She gave him a half-smile. “Strangely, Leroy’s voice in my ear talking about his missing porn was not the turn-on you might think. Don't worry about it.”

He slid out of her, settling at her side. “But you were so… hungry for it a moment ago.” His hand trailed down her stomach, his voice velvety as he enunciated each word.

“I know, but now I...” She stopped talking as his fingers slid inside her, her head tilting backwards on the pillow. The sensation of their combined fluids coating his fingers was strangely arousing, and she gasped as he used his thumb to circle her clit.

“Yes... Killian…”

“That’s it, my love. Let me see you come.”

She moved her pelvis in time with his fingers, closing her eyes and focusing on the sparks of pleasure he was creating, reaching and climbing and there, she was almost there, almost—

Emma came with a soft moan, squeezing her eyes shut and allowing the pulsing ecstasy to wash over her. She gradually relaxed every muscle in her body, letting go of his shoulder where she had been gripping it, her hand dropping to the bed.

“That’s better,” Killian said, a smug smile on his face. His hand dragged across her thigh, and she was a mess and the sheets were definitely going to have to go in the laundry, but all she could do was meet his smile with one of her own.

The door downstairs opened. “Emma, we’re home!” her mother called.

“Okay, I’ll be down in a minute!” she yelled back, pressing a finger to her lips and staring wide-eyed at Killian.

They did their best to clean up and dress as quietly as possible, Emma quickly running a brush through her hair as Killian buttoned his shirt and vest. Baby Neal was downstairs screeching at random intervals, which she hoped was distracting her parents from wondering what she was up to. Even so, it felt ludicrously obvious what they had been doing as the two of them descended the stairs to the main part of the loft. David certainly seemed to find it obvious, narrowing his eyes at them and glaring.

Killian kept his distance from her parents, bidding them a polite good evening before he made his excuses and turned to leave. Emma followed, pulling the door closed and giving him a sheepish smile.

“Sorry about that.”

“Not to worry. Tell your father to give me a few days to get my affairs in order before the execution.”

“We can stay at your place tomorrow if you want,” Emma said with a chuckle.

He put his arms around her, pulling her close. “Can we fall asleep together?” he asked, his voice soft and vulnerable. “I find I don't sleep half as well when you aren't with me.”

“Yeah.” She kissed his lips, his cheek, his ear. “Sure we can.” Pulling out of the hug and taking hold of his hook, she added. “Let me know if you come across any other magical items in Belle’s books that are in any far off locations. Chicago, maybe? L.A.? I hear Paris is nice.”

“Anywhere you want to go, Swan, I will be at your side if you’ll have me.”

Happiness swelling in her chest, Emma smiled. “I think I’ll have you.”

END

[ficdirectory]

Disuphere (An AU Fosters family fic) Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28

THEN

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Home: 2 days

The next day, the grandmas were gone.  So it was less people.  He must have fallen asleep at some point.  Because you had to fall asleep in order to wake up.  The first thing he did was check that the door was still locked and the curtains were closed.  The second thing he did was check on Mariana and Baby Frankie and to make sure Moms were here.

He went upstairs, opening and closing the gate at the bottom as soft as he could.  Walking up the stairs and down the hall to find them, Jesus got distracted because the bedroom door that was closed wasn’t anymore.  It was open.

Jesus stopped in the doorway and looked in.  The floor was pretty clean and his bed was made.  That definitely wasn’t like his room here.  But his dragon was still there on the bed.  And there were presents.  Jesus’s breath caught.

He felt torn: presents meant they didn’t forget him maybe like Lena said.  But presents also meant Something Else.  Carefully, he went inside and picked up Ord.  Then he went back in the hall and closed the door.  He peeked in Mariana’s room.  She was sleeping.  He looked for Frankie and didn’t see her.  Just Callie.

Closing that door, too, he eased Moms’ door open.  He heard baby talk inside and wished he could play with her.  But there was a big bed in there and Moms were sleeping in it.  Maybe if he woke them up they would be mad.  He closed their door, too.

“What are you doing?” a voice accused.  He turned.  Brandon.

Jesus stood, speechless.

“You can’t just open closed doors,” Brandon insisted.  

“I didn’t,” Jesus answered.  (He was so good at lying he even believed his own lies sometimes.)

“I literally just watched you do it.”  Brandon was getting madder.  Better get out of there quick.

Jesus backed up, keeping Brandon in his line of sight all the time. He held onto Ord tight.  Heart beating in his throat.

“Hey, watch--”

First there was ground and then there wasn’t.  Jesus was falling.  He came to a stop at the second baby gate - the only one he closed.  Brandon thundered down the stairs, and jumped the second gate, opening it.

“Shit, are you okay?” Brandon looked terrified.

Jesus stood up, flinching.  “I’m sorry.  I forgot to close it.”

Tense, and not really feeling his body. Jesus waited for it.  The blows.  The angry words.  Instead he heard more feet on the stairs.  Frankie was crying.

(Level 1 or Level 2?  Level 1 or Level 2????)

“What happened!” Mom asked.  “Honey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.  Sorry.  I was stupid.”  (He could not stop flinching.  Stop flinching, you’re embarrassing yourself.)

“B?” Mom asked.

“Who fell?” Lena wondered, sounding alarmed.

“Jesus just lost his balance.  But he, like, rolled down all the stairs.  And not in a cool way.  One of you should check for broken bones.  I’m surprised he’s standing.”

For the first time, Jesus registered Brandon’s voice.  How it shook.  How he looked pale.  Was he scared?

What were Moms gonna do?

“Can you walk, love?” Lena asked.

He showed her he could.  “I’m really sorry.  I need to lock the gate at the top.  I don’t want the baby to fall because I was dumb.”

“Mariana, Callie and Jude are upstairs with her.  One of them will lock it.  I need to make sure you’re okay.” Lena insisted.  She put her arm around him.  He went.

(Because that was what dumbasses did.  They made the same mistake over and over again.)

Jesus sat where Lena said to.  She touched all over his arms and legs.  She lifted his shirt, but then she put it down.  He felt something cold on his back.  On his hand.  He blinked.

“You’re lucky,” Lena said, blinking back tears.  “All you have are a few scrapes.”

“It doesn’t hurt,” he offered.  What could he do to make this right?  If she was crying he messed up bad.  He cleared his throat.  “You can do Something Else to me,” he managed, his voice hoarse.

“Do you hurt somewhere else?” Lena asked.  She took his hand and turned it over.  Then he realized.  She was looking at the marks from the chains.

Jesus shrugged, but his heart was beating bad.  Why wouldn’t she just get it over with?  She stayed for a while, looking at him in the eyes.

“I’m really sorry,” he said gravely.  “I know I deserve it.  So,” he nodded.  

“What do you think you deserve?” Lena asked.

Jesus’s nose and throat burned.  “Something Else,” he repeated.

“What’s something else, love?  I don’t understand.”

“Worst punishment,” Jesus mumbled.

“No.  You don’t deserve any kind of punishment, Jesus.  You made a mistake.  Mom and I understand that.  We were just scared for you.”

She didn’t get it.  Obviously.  And Jesus couldn’t say the F-word or he might get in even more trouble.  So he just went to the table when they called him and ate cereal.

Jesus felt on guard all day.  They let him eat.  That was good.  But he was still nervous.  Once he saw Lena winding lots of cloth around herself and putting Frankie in it to carry her.  Standing around the corner, he put on another cloth just like hers.  He wanted to be ready to hold the baby.  In case Lena changed her mind and really did get mad.  (Or worse, if He came and took her away in His car.)

“Are you okay?” Mariana asked.  “I heard you fall.”

“Can I hold her?” Jesus asked.

Mariana looked him up and down.  At the extra fabric hanging from.  “Not in that.  It’s not on right.  She’ll fall out.”

Jesus took it off as fast as he could.  “Fine.  Now?”

“Sure.  You need to hold on tight because she lunges but she can’t keep her balance,” Mariana advised.

Jesus took her in two hands, gingerly.  Holding another person was way intense.  He kept her away from his body.

“You need to hold her close to you.  Like this.  Watch me.”

Jesus did.  It looked complicated, but Jesus would learn.  Mariana gave him another turn, and he adapted, turning Frankie so her back was to his front.  One arm under her butt, and the other hand on her front so she didn’t tip too far forward.

“That works.  I think she likes looking around,” Mariana approved.

From then on, Jesus carried Frankie around.  Jude kept asking to hold her but Jesus had never gotten to.  Jude got to already.  Plus he was way small and not a fast runner.  The only time Jesus gave Frankie to someone else was at meals.

“Who has homework to finish?” Mom asked.

“Seriously?  We have to do homework when Jesus just got home?” Mariana asked like she was insulted.

Jesus was busy, cramming as many sour cream and cheese chips in his mouth as possible.  But the conversation made him stop.  He forced himself to swallow.

“Can I go back to school tomorrow?” he asked.  (Hell if he was gonna stay home alone or just with adults again.  School had been the one thing he could count on to feel normal.)

“We can certainly talk about it,” Mom said.

“So, are you at grade level or what?” Brandon asked.

“I went to school on Friday,” Jesus said simply.  “I wanna go Monday.”

“Eighth grade or fourth?” Brandon snickered.

“Eighth,” Jesus said.

“All right.  Enough,” Mom said.  “Let’s just have a nice lunch.”

Jesus ate all the chips he could.  Plus three hot dogs.  Plus milk.  He was so full, he could explode.  But maybe he could have some more baked beans.

“Let’s take a break before we have more food,” Lena suggested, and Jesus pulled his hand away.

Jesus sat back.  He thought about Cookie Land.  He was okay.

After lunch, everybody did homework, and Mom took Jesus up to see his room.  (That was okay because Frankie was napping.)  He didn’t say he saw his room already.  They probably thought he was rude enough.

He walked around the edges, touching the walls, the bookcase, the desk.  Not the bed.

“What do you think about sleeping in here tonight?” she asked.

“Sure,” he shrugged.  (Did he have a choice?  Did it matter?)

In the hall, she said, “And the shower is for all of us to use, including you.  It’s important, especially for Frankie, that everybody showers regularly and washes their hands.

“Why?” he asked.  Jesus was seriously curious.  He’d been way dirtier for way longer.  Two days was nothing.

“Because, she’s a baby and babies don’t have the immune systems that older kids and adults have.  Because she was born early, she gets sick even easier.  So as her family, we need to protect her from germs and try our best to keep her healthy.”

“I’ll shower right now,” Jesus decided.

“Sounds like a great choice,” Mom praised.  “I’ll find you something clean to wear.  We’ll get your own stuff soon, but in the meantime, would you mind borrowing from your brother?”

“Would he?” Jesus asked.

“We’re used to sharing around here, love,” she said.

“Hey.  I mean, excuse me?” Jesus tried again.  (He hated it so much when people said “hey.”  He always said “Hay is for horses,” and smacked Jesus hard in the mouth for it.)

“Yes?”

“Did you mean from Him?” Jesus swallowed.  “You’d get my stuff from Him?”

“No, sweetie.  The stuff at his house is evidence.  I meant we’ll buy you new stuff.  Is that okay?”

Nodding, Jesus went in the bathroom and closed the door.  Locked it.  Turned on the shower til it steamed and got in.  And tried to scrub off every germ.

He just couldnt’t get to the ones inside.  Jesus tried and tried and the water was icy the next thing he knew.

Jesus turned it off.

He still felt dirty.

Wrapping a towel around himself, Jesus opened the door to check for clothes.

None.

His heart dropped.  This was a trick.  He sat against the door, shivering.  Jesus realized he forgot to lock the second door, but whatever.  Let them come.

Jesus knew it was coming.

Voices outside the door.

“No!  Mom!  It’s not fair!  Why does he have to wear my clothes?  Why can’t he wear Brandon’s?”

Jude.  (Obviously not used to sharing.)

“Because Brandon’s clothes are too big for him, and you two are almost the same size.  Please cooperate, love.”

But Jude was close to tears:  “No.  He’s gross and rude.  I don’t want him wrecking my clothes.”

“This is part of being in a family, Jude.  You share.  You help out.”

“He’s not even in our family!”  Jude exclaimed.

“He is very much a part of our family.  He is your brother, and he needs to borrow some clothes, because he came with nothing.”

“Just like we did, Jude.”  (A new voice.  Callie?)  “We came with nothing.  What if nobody helped us?  What if the Fosters thought we were rude and gross?”

“Fine!” Jude huffed.

Jesus was blanking out.  But he snapped back when he heard a knock.

“Clothes are outside the door, love,” Stef called.  

“Thank you, “ Jesus said.  Automatic.  Clothes were a privilege.

“You’re welcome.  Come and get them when you’re ready and come downstairs.  Your friend, Frankie’s awake.”

It was the promise of holding her that moved Jesus forward.  He cracked the door, reached an arm out and grabbed boxers, grey sweats and a striped tee shirt.  It was kinda small but still worked.

The minute he saw Jude, Jesus felt awful.  Like an outsider.  Like he was pretending to fit here.  When he didn’t at all.  “Thanks for your clothes.  I won’t wreck them, I swear.  And I’ll give them back.”

“No big deal,” Jude pouted.

The rest of the day passed in a haze.  Wearing borrowed clothes was a thing he did There sometimes.  Before Jesus was allowed to go to school.

Maybe it was the same here.  Maybe he would have to wear these clothes until whenever he’d be allowed to go to school.

That night, Jesus paid attention to what everyone else ate. What they did at the table. He stopped himself after one plate, even though it felt like he would panic from all the food still left on the table and from not feeling full.

They played Monopoly and Jesus’s wheelbarrow got in jail.  He stopped playing and just watched.  Lena asked if he wanted to take his turn.

“You don’t have to stay there, honey.  You can get out.”

He met Stef’s eyes, begging.  

She reached for his piece but he covered it.

Then, ignoring Jude’s protests that she was cheating, Stef moved her top hat into jail right next to Jesus.  

He swallowed, getting the message:

They were in this together.

[myaekingheart]

I feel like I've been doing nothing but running around for days and I hate it, I have no energy, I don't have any breaks from this point forward. I just...I'm so tired.

Last week was the only possible summer break I was gonna get considering I have to take summer courses this year so I spent the entire week making the best of my time off, sleeping in late and staying up late and just overall being a lazy bum. I didn't really have any opportunities to get school supplies between my parents' work schedules and how slow some of my teachers were with uploading their syllabi and stuff so I just figured I could buy everything during the first week when I got back. I felt like most teachers don't require you to have all the stuff on the very first day, anyways. After all, I ordered my textbooks either through Amazon or the school's bookstore's website so I could just pick them up today and everything would be golden. It honestly feels like I've been running non-stop since Friday, though. We had meatloaf for dinner on Thursday night and it didn't taste right, but I don't know if there was actually something wrong with it or if it was just my nerves acting up on me. My parents said it tasted fine to them. I was up all night with bathroom problems and insomnia. I ended up only getting four and a half hours of sleep that night and had to be up super early that morning for my big birthday trip. I was going to spend my birthday weekend with my boyfriend, which I couldn't have been more excited about. That fact didn't exactly help my insomnia. Actually, it pretty much caused it. Anyway, I had to be up bright and early at 8am (which is early for me) so we could leave by 9:30am. We decided to take my grandma's car because it's bigger and we definitely needed the space. Me, my parents, my grandmother, and my boyfriend's mother all piled into the car together and spent the longest car ride ever all crammed into the same car. Normally the ride is only 4.5 hours long and I thought I might be able to sleep on the trip up but that wasn't happening. I was smushed in the middle of the backseat between both my mom and his with a shitty stomach. I brushed it off as nerves, getting that same excited butterfly feeling as a kid on the day of a field trip does. I couldn't even eat breakfast and so my stomach was caught between feeling deathly hungry and disgustingly crampy. It was hunger and nausea and almost even PMS like cramps all at once. It was that kind of nausea where no matter how hungry you are, getting near food makes your gag reflex go off and you have to force yourself to swallow every bite you take. Also didn't help that I kept suffering from some serious cotton-mouth so it kept feeling like I had to try and dry swallow my food. We stopped at a McDonald's halfway through the drive and I tried my best to eat my burger and fries but all I could think about was how weirdly colored the burger looked and how there were too many onions, too much ketchup and mustard, how bothersome my stomach felt, and that Viggo Mortensen quote about the stark contrast between a freshly made and cold McDonald's fry. Also didn't help that we decided to sit outside where it was hot as hell and a million birds kept eyeing us up trying to get to our food, coming dangerously close with their mouths open. Between that little break and a setback after nearly getting in a car accident (we had only been on the road about a 45mins to an hour, it seems, when the car in front of us got in a brutal accident where the entire front of his vehicle got smashed in and it was my dad's responsibility was to pull over, assess the damage, make sure everyone was okay, and wait until highway patrol showed up), we got to my boyfriend's house much later than anticipated. It was about 4pm when we showed up-- I was tired and nauseous and I wanted nothing more than to just relax and spend time with my boyfriend. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He had work at 5pm which meant he left the house at 4:30pm and he didn't get off until 11:30pm. Rather than just go straight to bed, his mother and I chilled on the couch for a very short period of time before my parents and grandma showed up and we all went out for pizza. On one hand, I was happy to have gone since the pizza place we went to makes great, ginormous pizzas (their motto is literally "Slices as big as your head") and the atmosphere of the restaurant itself is really cool but on the other hand, I was so tired and felt so sick, I was in one of those states where a part of me just wanted to go to bed but the other half knew I would never be able to get to sleep anyways so I might as well say fuck it and suffer. Like always, we had a lot of leftovers so we packed up the remaining slices in a box to take back to my boyfriend for when he got off work. Considering my parents had never seen my boyfriend's workplace before, we decided to go walk around and check it the local store. HIs mother and I have been there countless times but my parents and grandmother never had so it was nice getting to show them around and see my boyfriend a bit in the process. We had to buy a couple things, anyways. The place was pretty much dead except for a few late-night stragglers but it was kind of funny having such a big group of people all in different places wandering around the store. I don't know why but I kind of liked the feel of it. There's something kind of satisfying about it to me for some strange reason. We left the place at about 9 or 9:30 and his mother and I went back to his place where I pretty much went straight to bed. I slept for a few hours before my boyfriend accidentally woke me up when he came home, turning on the light and taking his shoes off. He was exhausted-- and after a shift like that, who wouldn't be?-- but at least he was able to get Saturday (my birthday) off, which I was unbelievably pleased to hear. He went to sleep pretty easily but I, on the other hand, had trouble falling back asleep. I kept tossing and turning, my stomach was killing me, and all I could think about was my birthday the next day. I've always gotten relatively anxious on and around my birthday but moreso this year than ever. Ironically enough, it all leads back to my mom. When I was a kid, she treated every holiday and birthday like it was this huge, special event and she'd always go all out. She wanted to make each holiday super fucking special which I understand because they're big days and they deserve to be treated as such but at the same time, it always makes me feel like every holiday needs to be picture perfect and that we need to go all out every year and make a huge deal out of everything. It adds a lot of unnecessary anxiety that I truthfully hate but have no idea how to ever get rid of. This year, however, it was even more than just that looming over my head. My birthday last year was absolutely terrible. I had had a difficult year and was looking forward to wiping the slate clean once I turned 19 only to spend the majority of my birthday stuck in a hospital triage room right across the hallway from the bathroom where some woman was violently puking with the door wide open. My mom had her coworkers at the doctor's office she works at across the street take her blood pressure just out of sheer curiosity and it was something like 200/80 and she was rushed right to the emergency room for fear of having a stroke. It was pretty much the worst birthday of my life both because of how I spent it (from the selfish perspective) and the fact that my mom very much coudld've suffered from a stroke or worse, died. I know the odds of something like that happening again were next to none but at the same time, I just couldn't help but fear that something terrible might happen again. Of course, the car accident on the drive up wasn't great but at least nobody was physically hurt. Not only that, but the thought of turning 20 was terrifying to me. I'm still terrified by it. Teenagerhood is just such a huge part of life, it's such a time of change and experience, that it felt weird leaving it behind and having to admit that I am officially, undoubtedly an adult now. There's no turning back. I'm stuck here and it's just going to continue getting worse and worse from here on out. Nothing made me realize this more than my actual birthday, though. I woke up way too early only to end up going back to sleep and being woken up by his mother (the both of us). We all had plans, important things we needed to take care of. I didn't have the luxury of laying around in my pajamas watching TV all day. Yep, gone are the days of celebrating by doing nothing. Instead, I spent the day doing perhaps the most adult thing ever: househunting. And that's when things really started to hit me. My boyfriend and I drove around in his car with my parents and his mom and my grandma all in her car either following or leading us. It was kind of tedious but more than that, it was terrifying. It wasn't until we were driving around looking at these places that I realized the reality of the situation. I was 20 years old, in a serious relationship, and preparing to get my associate's degree and move out of my parent's house and into an apartment with my boyfriend where I'd be attending a university for an even bigger degree. The reality of that was absolutely horrifying to me not because I don't want that because I do-- believe me, I do-- but more because I don't think I quite realized how grown-up I was becoming before. Now all of a sudden I'm an adult-- really, truly, officially an adult and I have all these adult plans and responsibilities. I just feel like everything came up so quickly and I almost don't know if I'm ready for it all yet. I'm scared. Of course, this didn't help my stomach issues and left me feeling even sicker by the time dinner rolled around. My grandma was getting crabby looking at houses-- she doesn't want me to leave and was making it very difficult to think critically about things considering she was convinced the first place we looked at, some shitty place in the ghetto where someone got shot on the next street over, was the best possible place for us and then even said "I think she should just stay home and finish her four year degree at the college she's at now" to which my dad apparently nearly jumped on her and very frustratedly said "THEY DON'T OFFER WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO HERE" which is very true. They went back to their hotel afterwards but my boyfriend, his mom, and I drove around a bit more afterwards to check out a few other places on our own. Afterwards, we went back to his place to chill for a little bit before leaving for my birthday dinner. I was originally excited because I had made plans to have dinner at one of my favorite Asian restaurants in the area, a super casual place with really great food, but I was honestly so shaken up/panicky that I could barely eat and decided to scrap my plans of having Fat Boy ice cream sandwiches instead of birthday cake afterward. I honestly felt disappointed in myself for feeling the way I did and deciding to call off the celebration like that but at the same time, I knew I wasn't feeling great and that if I pushed my feelings aside and just powered through, I knew I'd get sick which would just completely ruin my birthday. I don't think I've ever vomitted on my birthday and I really hope I never do. Things like that happening on holidays just make me so outraeously nervous, and I know if it ever did happen I'd be traumatized and terrified for every year thereafter that it would happen again (I think it's important to note that I am highly emetophobic). It made me feel even worse considering my cousin and his wife, whose wedding I attended in February, drove down from their nearby town to join us for dinner and such afterwards. This would be the third time we've all been together for some meal-inclusive event, two of which I have ended up feeling sick and panicky like this during (the other being their wedding reception). They insisted on getting these cookies from this place nearby considering the ice cream sandwiches weren't going to happen but I didn't eat any of those, either. After dinner, they followed my parents and grandma back to their hotel in the middle of nowhere (which was honestly really eerie and I hated going there) which my boyfriend and his mother and I went to after stopping at the grocery store to pick up some lottery tickets she insisted I fill out and get for my birthday. Once we got to my parents' hotel, we sat around talking and I opened my presents from my grandma, my boyfriend, and his mother-- my cousin and his wife didn't get me anything and I opened the stuff from my parents the night before we left. After my cousin and his wife left, we stuck around for a little while longer where the conversation took a very discomforting turn. Somehow we got on the subject of deadly injuries to which my dad outlined in great detail his major accident back in the 1980s when he nearly lost his arm in a printing press. I've heard the story before but he went into great detail with the help of my grandmother about all the disgusting things I really didn't want to hear about on my birthday with an already queasy stomach. We left shortly after to go back to my boyfriend's place where we sat up and watched about five episodes of Rick and Morty together (neither of us had ever watched it before but decided to give it a shot, after my boyfriend convinced me through it's parody-ness of Back to the Future) before heading to bed which I started feeling a little better after but still not great. I hated waking up Sunday morning knowing I would have to leave that day and my stomach still wasn't feeling great when I first woke up, but after a while I started to come around a little bit. My parents and grandma had already eaten breakfast at their hotel and after checking out, drove around town a bit looking at some of the other places they didn't get to see yesterday and reconsidering some of the places they did see. By the time my boyfriend and I woke up and got ready, it was nearly noon and we hadn't eaten anything yet that day so we met up with my family at a local McDonalds to get something to eat and then met up back at my boyfriend's place to start packing our stuff into the car and get ready to head out. I hated leaving but I knew I had no choice. My boyfriend had to be into work at 2pm anyways so we left right before he had to leave, anyways. I didn't cry this time but I was definitely still extremely sad to say goodbye to him. All I really wanted to do was just stay in bed all day with him and try and nurse my stomach back to health but I knew that wasn't possible. He had work that afternoon and I had class the next day. So long as I was leaving, though, once I was in the car I wanted nothing more than to be home as soon as possible. I was cramped in the backseat yet again and this time my grandma was even crabbier than she had been before (even though she had honestly been crabby all weekend between the apartment issue, the university comment, and some other things: we were looking at this one place and she said some snarky remark to me about "You've got champagne taste but a beer wallet" insinuating that just because I had a limited budget to spend on housing that I had to live somewhere crappy or something [I just about jumped on her when she said that honestly]; at the hotel after opening my presents, I kept begging everyone to please stop talking about the gross shit because I was already nauseous and was starting to feel even sicker, to which my grandma said I needed to be stronger and started going off on this morality rant about how even though we've all been through shit, just proves we need to be stronger or something; that last one ties into something she said on the car ride home. She was commenting on my nervous stomach issues again (and my anxiety) and told me that if I didn't get over it, I'd never get to my mom's age or something as if she was insinuating that I'd die if I kept this stuff up. As if that is supposed to calm my anxiety. I nearly jumped on her then, too, and both my mom and my boyfriend's could see I was pissed but I held my tongue, took a shot of my water, and just folded my arms across my chest and leaned back in my seat. If anything, I felt bad for my boyfriend's mother-- she had never really experienced my grandmother's ultimate bitchiness firsthand before but now she knows what we have to put up with-- she was telling me how the woman was just complaining about every little thing the entire time we were driving around looking at places to rent.). The drive home felt even longer than ever, though, which didn't help. We stopped at the halfway point to get an early dinner at one of my dad's favorite Irish pubs, to which I ordered some great mac-n-cheese and ate quite a bit of it (more than I ever had before, truthfully) but even after getting some of my appetite back then, I still felt icky on the ride home. I was so terrified that the dinner wasn't going to agree with my stomach and I'd get sick or something. I think the fact we were in my grandma's car didn't help since it has a very distinct and very disgusting new car smell that was a trademark of any car my late grandpop owned considering he was a mechanic and took pride in his car. I vomited in his car once when I was really little and ever since, that smell has always made me nauseated. I definitely think that was a factor in my nervousness this past weekend, as well. But anyways, I kept trying to nap on the drive home but was never really all that successful. There was one brief period where my mom and I both fell asleep, which my boyfriend's mother got a picture of and sent to my boyfriend, but other than that, every other attempt was pretty futile. By the time we got home, the sun was just setting and everyone filed out back to their own living spaces pretty quickly. My grandma and boyfriend's mother said goodbye and went back home and my parents and I filed back into our rooms to unpack and get some sleep. Unfortunately, because of me, they got less sleep than they should've. Knowing I was starting my summer classes the next day, I logged onto my school account to make sure everything was squared away and prepared for the upcoming week of classes. However, when I got onto Canvas, the class that was supposed to start tonight was never published. In fact, it had completely disappeared as if it had never been there in the first place. I seriously panicked, my first instinct being "oh my god it was cancelled." I checked my student email and sure enough, there was a message in there from Thursday night saying the class had been cancelled due to low enrollment. Needless to say, I fucking panicked. I lost my shit. I had spent such time meticulously trying to plan out my schedule and make everything work, make all the classes fit together like perfect puzzle pieces, and then the school goes and pulls this shit. There was no way I'd be able to slide with only three classes, either. I needed those credits. I basically barged into my parents room and woke them up screaming crying, having a total panic attack. I was at a loss. I had no idea what the fuck to do. So much was weighing on this semester that any fuck up whatsoever could cost me so much and affect not only myself but my boyfriend, too. There was way too much at stake. My mom and dad ended up coming into my room to try and figure what was going on and what had happened, and how to fix it, when I tearfully checked the course catalog and found a Spanish class that was at the same time on the same days for the same period of time as the other class I was registered for. I didn't really want to take a Spanish class after having already fulfiled the foreign language requirement for my degree in high school (I took three years of Spanish freshman through junior year) but it was the only thing that would work. Now my big concern was whether it would fulfill the elective credits I still needed. I figured it would since I couldn't imagine it fitting in anywhere else but at the same time, I wasn't entirely sure of anything anymore and was honestly very skeptical. Signing up for this class when I did, however, meant I had to prepare for the class in less than 24 hours which was definitely way more stressful than I needed. I paid for the class as soon as possible and spent the entire day running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get shit straightened out. I had to fix my schedule page in my binder, get all my notebooks for all my classes which I didn't have time to do last week, print out the original receipt for the books I ordered, pick up the books I ordered from the campus bookstore, get a refund on the one for the class I was signed up for and purchase the book for the Spanish course instead, and then actually go to the Spanish class on top of some personal shit like washing my sheets, washing myself, and picking up the dog from the kennel he was staying in over the weekend. By the time everything was finished and I had checked out all the books I needed, I had fifteen minutes to get to class. I made it there in time, thank god, but apparently my teacher did not. She showed up about ten minutes late which sent me in a panic because there were signs on the door about cancelled Spanish classes and I was honestly so freaking terrified that one of them was for mine. I didn't have the strength to go through that again. The only reassuring thing was the fact that there were other people from my class standing outside waiting for the teacher, as well. I felt nothing short of relief when she finally did show up, and then struggled through the entire rest of the class with how dreadfully bored I was. The thing I never quite realized/expected fully was the reality of taking a class about material you already know, though. It was weird because all of this stuff was so familiar to me and yet at the same time, it's been three years since I've taken a Spanish class, just about, and I realized that there were a lot of things I had forgotten, too. I never really kept up with it after school so my retention slowly declined. Or maybe it was just that I was incredibly tired and sore all over from god only knows what and was fighting sleep the entire time. Probably a little of both, to be honest. Either way, the entire day was a fucking whirlwind and now I know i have to go back tomorow even earlier and do the class thing all over again. It's terrible, honestly, though. First day in and I'm already dead tired and wanting to quit. A part of me deep down just wants to quit, to give up, but I know I can't. I feel strange and uncomfortable taking summer classes, knowing all the public school kids will be out for summer in a week or so meanwhile I'll be stuck in classrooms doing schoolwork until August. It almost feels like some parallel dimension or vivid fever dream where nothing is quite right and everything feels nauseatingly uncomfortable. In a way, I almost somehow feel like I'm back in high school again. That's really weird and makes absolutely no sense but it's true. I feel weird and uncomfortable and unnerved and I know deep down it's not just about the summer classes. It's about everything. There's so many changes going on these days and everything is happening so quickly, I don't quite know how to handle all of it, to tell you the truth. Everyone is leaving, including myself, and it feels like everything I've known and held familiar is slipping through my fingers. Before long, my room will be empty and I'll be living 300 miles away from my parents, a totally independent adult. Nothing will ever be the same again and that's terrifying. Everything is just happening so fast. I know I keep saying that-- at this point I feel like I need a Ferris Bueller cameo-- but it's true. Everything is moving so fucking fast.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Wednesday 1/24/2018

Wednesday 1/24/18

The day started like any other. I was going to go to Jordan's to hangout as we typically did on Monday's and Wednesday's. But at 3:22 pm my grandmother called me and told me that Popall was sick and she needed my help. I dropped what I was doing and I rushed over. The last time he was "sick" I thought we were going to lose him. It was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. I was able to help save him that time. But this would be different.

Popall was fine when grandmommy left to go pick up Aiden. But when she got home he had thrown up on himself and he was completely blind. I know he had to be scared... As she cleaned him up I tried to keep Aiden calm. It was hard for me to swallow my own fears but I had to do it in order to help Aiden. I was listening to what was going on with popall while I kept Aiden distracted. I was saying silent prayers and keeping a tight grip on my feelings. I later came to regret this, but I looked Aiden straight in the face and told him popall was going to be fine even though I had doubts of my own, reminding Aiden of when he had thrown up at Christmas. I told him popall just had an upset tummy and he'd be okay.

I tried to believe that myself. But I'd been fearful of losing popall ever since he had an episode a few summers before. I'd never gotten rid of that fear. I had nightmares about it for almost a year and I regret this so much... but I was scared to be alone with popall. I was so traumatized by how close we came to losing him that I was scared if I was there with him alone I wouldn't be able to save him and that I'd have to helplessly watch him slip away as my efforts failed. Every time I was around him I had flashbacks to that day.

I've never told anyone that before...

And I can't believe something so stupid... some stupid fear get in the way of spending a lot more time with him. Why was I so damn weak? Why couldn't I swallow that down like I do everything else? Why couldn't I get the image of his eyes rolling back in his head and him going limp out of my head? Or the sight of him on the floor as my dad prepared to do CPR. Why couldn't I stop hearing the screams and cries of my aunt and my grandmother? Why couldn't I just forget and let it go? I wanted nothing more than to be with him... but I didn't want to see and hear the flashbacks that stayed in my head.

I'll never forgive myself for it... If I was that messed up I shouldn't have stayed quiet. I should've gotten help so I wouldn't have lost any time with him. I guess that doesn't change anything now, does it? Eventually I began to forget. The flashbacks and nightmares still happened but they happened less. It became bearable. But then life got busy... I had work and college and I was still trying to figure life out and how to balance everything and I was just... I was learning how to live. But being busy and confused should've never kept me away from someone that meant the world to me. So what if I had to turn that assignment in late? He was more important than anything else. No matter how exhausted I was after work I should've went to see him. I should've at least laid down the homework long enough to go eat dinner with them every night. Instead I ate alone and crammed my brain full of meaningless information.

He missed me. He told everyone he did. He was sad because he thought we were closer than that and we were.... I don't know what the hell was wrong with me. But God do I regret it now.... and like I said. I'll never forgive myself. Even if Popall does. I know he'd want me to forgive myself but I just can't... he was everything to me and I let our numbered days slip through my fingers all the while he was missing me and I was missing him but I wasn't there. And I should've been. I should've never moved out of their house. I love where I live now. But I shouldn't have left. And I shouldn't have left the fire department either no matter what. I would've gotten to spend SO much more time with him if I had stayed in his house and the fire house... why didn't I just stay..? Why...

Sorry I got a little off the story line there but... it needed to be said.

Anyways.

Popall was having bad chest pains and he was still throwing up. So grandmommy called the ambulance. I moved on to my next task. I wrangled my dog and locked him up in my room so he'd be out of the way when EMS arrived. I feel so bad for doing it to him but I had to drag him by his collar to my room. He didn't understand. He was scared. He wanted to go to popall but I couldn't let him. He cried out as I drug him back there but it had to be done... (in case anyone was wondering, Apollo forgave me for it. But I still feel awful for doing it to him).

Then I re-arranged the living room faster than anyone probably ever has. I was moving couches and tables and everything under the sun. I wanted to make sure they could get to Popall as quickly as they could and get him out as quickly as they could. Then Aiden and I went outside to watch for the ambulance. The ambulance arrived at the same time as sam so she took Aiden from me. I came back in the house to help. They didn't really need me so I stayed out of the way and held the door open.

Once they got him in the ambulance I loved on my grandma and told her I'd take care of everything. There was a helicopter waiting for Popall at Haggin to take him to UK. Sam, dad, and grandmommy left to go on to U.K. Vicki and Mike were going to Haggin. I was staying behind to take care of the animals, tie up some loose ends, and have the ability to take things to my family because I was sure at the least it'd be an overnight stay and they would need things. So I would bring them.

I called Jordan and told him what happened. We agreed I'd still come over and he'd drive me if I needed to go to U.K. Before I left though I was asked to take care of my parents' dog and father a few things. Mike ended up coming back to the house to get his medicine and then go back to the hospital. So I decided to send the stuff with him. He ended up asking if he could ride with me and I could drop him off. So I swung by and took care of their dog and then I dropped him off at Haggin.

I arrived at Jordans and I called my Meme and told her what was going on. By the time I left the bathroom (I went in there to talk to her so no one would over hear) a girl who I can't stand was at their house. I couldn't deal with all the people and all the noise and I couldn't handle being around her. I just wanted to talk to jordan and calm down. So I asked if we could just go drive somewhere so I could unwind and we could talk. We ended up going to Walmart. He wanted vanilla wafers so we found some and then we just looked around at random stuff.

I kept asking for updates but no one would tell me anything. I didn't understand why. As far as I knew my popall was on a helicopter going to U.K. Or he could've already been in surgery by then. But he wasn't... he was gone. He never made it onto the helicopter.

My phone rang. It was my aunts number but my aunt wasn't the one calling. I was asked where I was and told to get to the ambulance bay at Haggin. That everyone was waiting for me.

No one ever had to tell me. I just knew. He was gone.

I hung up the phone and I told jordan we had to go. He tried to reassure me that everything was probably fine but I knew it wasn't. He was just trying to be hopeful. But I was past the point of hope. My body was shaking. I couldn't even feel my legs to move them. But somehow I did.

He threw the vanilla wafers on a random shelf and off we went.

As Jordan and I walked down the long, white hall I passed ashen faces and tears on the faces of family, first responders, and dear friends. But I couldn't feel anything. Not emotionally at least. The only thing I could feel was that it was getting harder to breathe. My chest was burning. It was heavy. And my heart was going way too fast. I was shaking. My head was spinning. The walls seemed to be closing in. I was lucky I could move forward but I managed to somehow. No one would look at me. Until I found a very dear person to me. I won't mention her name because I haven't asked permission. Just know that she's someone I've known since I was a baby and I trusted her. And for any of you who know me you know I don't trust just anyone so she's special. She wasn't crying. And that actually was a bit calming. I wasn't the only one who wasn't crying.... she hugged me and talked to me for a long time. She told me she could feel my heart racing. If it had pounded against my sternum any harder it might've fallen out. I got kinda worried I might have a heart attack too. But oddly that thought didn't even phase me.

I prayed no one thought I was cold or heartless because I wasn't showing any kind of emotion. But i did feel it. It just didn't come out. It's like deep down I knew I had to be strong. I had to be strong for everyone else and popall would've wanted me to be strong for him and for them. It's almost like he was there holding onto me and telling me "you have to take care of them first."

I noticed something was very off. Where was my family? I mean. They are all family but. My immediate family. My aunt was with popall I think. But I found out that my parents and grandmommy were at U.K. They were coming back. I prayed to god that my dad wasn't driving because I knew he'd wreck and then I'd have lost all three of them too and I didn't want that. I wanted them to get there safe. That was my only concern at that point.

At no point was I ever concerned about myself. I just wanted to make sure everybody else was okay.

It felt like an eternity but they finally got there. When they got there they all went in to see him. I honestly didn't want to go in. But I did. I didn't want my last memory of him to be him laying there lifeless and cold... but jordan grabbed my hand and took my in there. And he stayed with me, holding me close. Or I couldn't have done it. Eventually I hugged my dad and everyone. We all stood in there a good while but then I had to get out of there. It was too crowded and I wasn't in any place to be able to handle that many people in such a small space. I needed air.

Once in the hall jordan and I decided we'd go back to his house so I could get my car. And I didn't want to keep him there all night. I loved having him there but. He deserved to relax since he had school at 8 am the next day and then working until 12:30 am. Plus his mom made tacos and he loves tacos. He deserved tacos. We drove to his house. Somewhere along the way, out of no where, I looked over at jordan and I said, "we'll never get to go fishing again." And then I cried. I pulled it back together before we walked into his house. But then his parents told me they were sorry and stuff and then I got choked up again. I killed it off fast though. I sat there and talked to them while they all ate for a bit but then I got a text that the fire trucks would be escorting popall to the funeral home and my other grandparents had shown up and wanted to see me. So I said a very difficult goodbye to Jordan and I drove to the hospital.

I don't know how I did it because I was shaking and crying but I made it. I dried my face and went back inside the building of mass devastation. We all talked and hugged some more and there were many more tears and I just kept hugging everyone and reassuring everyone and trying to be of some kind of comfort because that's really all I'm good for in most situations. Then we escorted popall to the funeral home. It was beautiful. It's what he deserved. I drove myself. Crying again. But I was fine. Or so I kept telling myself.

After that we all went home. I let Apollo out to potty and then I went back home. I face timed jordan and I don't really remember what we talked about honestly. I don't remember much from the point on it was really hazy. But after he hung up and went to bed I went back to my grandmas. We all just kinda sat there, exhausted, watching tv. There was pizza and cookies and drinks but I couldn't really stomach it. I ate like half a piece of pizza. I'm pretty sure that's all I had to eat that day. Eventually they were ready to sleep and I walked home.

It was pretty cold out but I couldn't feel it. Or maybe I just didn't care.

I crawled into bed and cried my heart out. Sometime after 6 am I fell asleep.

[tocoworks]

Sweat Equity: How To Be More Efficient In 2018 ⏱ 🚀 🛠

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TRANSCRIPT BY DRAGON DICTATE

Who now are going I can see that face was live feeling good how are you feeling Eric Readinger real good yeah really it you get the show going on mean we gotta squeeze one last one in before 2017 goes out I know hopefully get the bonus content common when we pretend that where a dog is initiate next year and then get caught up in the life of your days later I hate New Year's resolutions I don't I don't like hey I don't like people telling me their words without me asking Jeff I mean II know I'm annoying I give out a lot of free device known as for but you do it all your law right Lisa consistent with the exact path but like the thing with plus I always heard here's a little here's a little advice sweat equity advice goals New Year's resolutions essentially goal right losing weight is a New Year's resolution but it's not a good goal July your lifestyle good goal do you know why though nonspecific will is you just write I'm girl and there's no light quantifiable thing is a need it so instead of going on the lose weight and 2018 have to go like by June I'll lose 25 pounds whatever is everybody's resolution should be understood actually be real with myself instead of I'm going to lose weight and then when people ask you about it like we some pictures at New Year's is get real talk when you get real lack landlady real talk in the pocket you just need to be real with yourself a 12 team you know that's what it is people tell themselves stories make it all good so everybody around them here's what their convincing themselves of how I like I been guilty of this as well where you go on the to do this to keep myself accountable right yeah have to sign works have timed doesn't sound like my dad take it all back as I've done that before to know me at what we all have its it's annoying if you 0400 for whatever 100 with your friends or family about it like I go on the run a marathon that I said that at one point last year think and then I didn't predict an injury and then once you got injured I just couldn't get back in it and so one of my I feel do she does like everybody listen to me on the road where the line but what was the entry I just bad hamstring pull which you as you know from some replace fantasy football if you draft any wide receiver yet having the same as a lingering IRA though never be hundred percent so I wait that out like you know it's not my favorite but let's get this ship going you ready for your Howdy toddy did you read it 321 God Almighty this is a sweat equity podcast come to you from cigar city Ybor city Florida beautiful enclave of the of the hood enclave enclave yeah I think I use that right in Tampa Florida we may be in Tampa but we were we keep it worldwide like pitbull but this advice as a business hustle advice I think a lot of people asked me what is the podcast they see my face popping up in their feed because were doing good with our targeted video ads that's something I love it if you hear little muffling the background that's a production meeting going on behind us of high level production film meeting made I might want to yell just a just have their meeting but what's on there I know I keep like going to the bathroom lexically go to get anything actors need a grant from you might grab any parts I again works like yeah but let's… Give a little love to her sponsor fresh books tax season is coming up my goal here you go here's my New Year's Gold pay your taxes pay taxes yes no I want to get taxes done by 15 January my business taxes that's the goal good luck I got a hustle but you know what it will you know I can cram yeah are you doing every three months yeah yeah quarterly is sure yeah they said we have to as an S Corp. you you know you have to with meeting minutes and all that stuff that we do all that go go fresh books.com/sweat and you get three a free 30 day trial but QuickBooks are not happy with zero there 00 at the next get out here go to that's that that's another song or no no no that's like a that's the vid me out of all these fresh books is the is the competitor to QuickBooks zeros, that the video drove off to the side there like third place probably for meals for me is good for what it is I mean I'm sure was writing books but look freshman and you need a bookkeeper we've got actual client that I can hook you up with if you want to email me at law@tocaworkslawtocoworks.com will show her love she's got a virtual bookkeeping business and it just ties it Sophie you go to go fresh books.com/what and then email us the double hook up you could really email us for anything business I think we got something in place right yeah and pleasure yeah sure you know you want to send some pleasure pics will do this 90 style yeah I'm sending over there sending them to us I mean that matters depends depends I'm not doing them independence depends on the map and you know see we want to go 2018 New Year's resolutions I mean these are do you have anything no but look you shouldest do these once a month really shouldn't be a year yeah it's weird it's it takes easier for people to grandma look at myself with it are things going good for Maren okay and by October your different person I will eat like a fat pig from Christy Easley from Christmas to New Year's like no big like Burger King all day son yeah everybody that is that's a pretty standard thing or is it yeah to go worse than normal now I do it to the holidays you you do ketogenic will I do but I don't Christmas hello I mean I Brian you get at Iquitos yeah but I can get my bag and okay it's a gimmick around our house these next day you're right Rita is mental but Seattle get the hang agrees like some people do I know I don't usually but I feel like anything I have so little to hold onto his advice that I feel like I would if I do right now you would have been angry as if you win and I dress Onassis yeah I have to do a blood test tomorrow for health insurance incentives which means you can't eat associate today and I isolate this morning because you got to get like a pure sample or whatever and and cholesterol so they give you incentives if you like a reward if you're decent I can't going all stressed out a is one time I failed and I to go back and do it I was like one of many to walk out what your blood pressure is yeah and I was like no Isaac as I rushed over here to get to this thing and went right into it and I'm thinking about work let me go outside only to walk in the hallway for like 10 minutes I came back fine and that weird that's weird I did that recently the doctors to had to get in there real quick and on-site and don't let yeah the Dilip having high blood pressure worry give you high blood pressure that's another contract so I try not to let it psyche out I assume you got into the cholesterol one which is you know I don't know what's good cholesterol bad cholesterol but are you going to do that task so you do bunch of those things which is actually interesting because they make you do this app called rally we go to we rally.com it's actually I wanted to shed all over it because I might man I want I don't want to have to have this thing you tracking stuff the health insurance companies making use that now make you it's it's what I'd like a strong incentive but that's how they measure stuff they think you have to do like certain certain things of the blight but I got to go to Qwest labs and that will knock out like four of the rewards you can get okay as you get likes I can get 600 bucks back basically one was like you get 50 bucks for filling out a survey that's just like how many drinks you have it's like the basic general practitioner you know little questions I would ask you do you sleep well do you eat well all that stuff this is also the app yeah you answering this question is cool but then I tied it you can tie it into your so I have the Apple watch yeah that's about that yeah while I don't know how to use it yet I got it and I haven't had time to like yeah get to know this baby you gonna love it will I just wanted just to be able to jog with and not I have the old iPod that I have to load manually nice real nice real nice right I write if I am ever like I am assuming those like 10 years and my yeah but it's so cumbersome that I forget like I don't when I get a chance to run it's like oh you got yeah I I'll get the kids for 30 minutes you go for running like okay what I need everything to stick 10 minutes that I just can change and get out the door yeah and then getting music ready to go to site and it's not happen so the reason I like this is just I'd have streaming stuff because it has its own phone number I guess oh you got the a data plan yeah oh nice yeah so you can do the air pod headphone yes I'm a good goalie asked well basically I have flown on my watch and I have my air pods that you can't see my ears which I wanted to hook up to this but I think it would ruin the Bluetooth with the video yeah that's that's that's what's future ship well it's only acyl because light to my wife because she won't know they're in now I used to keep it that the ones under my shirt the the corded headset right so at least you can see that a lot of the time but now you just you can't see it all you could use these giant headphones is like holders for your air pods cut the cords because they fall out of my ears hey what these are your pod covers I had to buy these so they don't break not I but I've been falling asleep of those things in which is not good probably for my ears because I feel like I mean Felix's summer jam to pencil in there if I sleep on my side but it doesn't wake you up when I when I go to sleep all hit it hard but I wake up really easily anyway the thing with that is like all this stuff is to be more efficient anyway because I can arty feel that your pods like you can get about 30 feet away from your phone and it still plays whatever podcasting listen to music whatever 80s background with new wrapper genre music I like to listen to like that Eminem song but it's that thing of you know saving trips from going back your phone for something what I can charge the phone or not tethered to or I'm not I'm not going without listening to something for 30 minutes which is trust that but I can make calls and still it's weird it's it's it shouldn't be that big of a difference but it's talking also in the the watch I when I had a Fitbit which were super ugly come like they're ugly they're ugly looking this I got a get a new band on it but I got that ship and you got the big boy version I got the lady lady says I actually pilot pulled my hair out on accident because the rubber because when it gets to that I was going like that I head back head head hair and ended if I took a few with it so not feeling good but what I'm saying is I like the tracking of the stats because I like how much do I stand up during the day how many I do like that stuff I don't care big brothers watch me yeah I've also noticed that the Stan Golson it is not that I can I reach my standing goal laying on my ass okay so does it mean stick to stand really mean are you up I don't know I I think it met like I think discounts if you're awake sell real okay is it going around yeah because right now price as I'm standing right in my heart rate a little bit because were trying to multitask on air oh that's the other job I loved going on stage doing standup and seeing what my heart rate would be while on stage yeah you could try check the time and stop it'd be lower way lower they just normal onstage you weird yeah but both euros off before would spike about 10 to not be three-minute more which isn't really a spike but it would it would get up because you can't anxious your light will bit smug and run over and then when I'm on stage at site cruise control cleared it weird and did did for stand up last Friday which felt good had a really good set which is I forgot how good of a feeling that is when you're so nervous about getting up because I'd been that nervous price seven years yeah dude I mean you and how many months for five months. This podcast helps the mean I tried it I I pitch a lot of podcasts to our clients go look it's a good way you gotta do it like we wish we've been shoehorning in episodes last couple weeks just because it's just been nuts around here holidays baba but we didn't plan ahead like we can plan ahead by the quarter kind of thing like we should but like it's a good cathartic it it's a little bit of therapy it's a little bit of like I try to write some jokes for it right ideas yeah like what is our creative outlet for sure it is him is sometimes the only time we talk during the day but also it's like it's it does have to be polished obviously and it it's another way to get her voice out there for people to digest when they can handle it now one thing I I did come up with while running the other day and this will tie into how to be more efficient is I got a term I want to coin officially calling on the go so we've got some lingering projects that just that become like big picture ideas I feel like a lot of people have this unit maybe you want to do in addition on your house were you know you try to figure out how to save enough money to buy a ring for your lady were you would don't do that though but stupid if she's in the wedding rings and she got the girl for you what if you have a family ring by all means do that whole you can do that yeah don't don't be full by tapirs okay it's at this so many diamonds out there manually many the world look at the history of all that she is talking crazy you know it's all made that's why like advertising yet will I mean it's going to its settings going away you think the holy I don't I think it's to both I think with a lot of things it's going down but the other sides can imagine will I think the wedding industry of like having bad ass wedding that's going up the ring with the precious stones is not as big a deal anymore speaker wedge event coordinators for weddings or secretly like the worst coordinator like of anything you know what a millionaire not about to let yeah I've dealt with a lot of event court wedding coordinators of the site you do this for a living right like wool I brought all I brought all the reclaimed wood like furniture and Mike Horton Mike hey yeah they always focus yet have one thing that's her focus and talk about the farm theme and then it's like okay that's one part you have a schedule of when the wedding starts will know you have to fires right back yeah we are our buddy Damien is what employer just left yeah why would she stay for the wedding that's crazy I mean it was just like what it was a point where it's like I shouldn't be the most organized person at this wedding for what's about to happen it was like it's so crazy how people do not take their job seriously like that's Ivan Mike seriously that's just like basic level stuff that's that I don't care how anxious you get or how you're worried you are like showing up is half the battle if additional forethought either live like maybe this will happen and I'll have to do this anyways I cut you off about being efficient while you're running or something oh so we think of like big ideas right now have the everybody goes I want to do this when you learn another language this year or some like that and then becomes is over you never get to start a lot a lot of that is to start just just go okay and turning everything off 20 minutes after to start and it doesn't matter when whenever that 20 minutes is over or I I find it a break then that'll be it but a lot of people don't do that part and so you get to this overwhelming idea you've had in your hand we've got to do a pitch deck that this is why this is where I came up with that window pitched Atkins become this this huge snowball] but what I don't want to be is a Florida snowball will eventually just melts you never do it that that's the terms the term is Laura snowball however bad okay for look for businesspeople it's like murders but but I have come join us for economy sake it's not that funny that that witty but I'm saying like find me a better term for that I got your diet is as we've had a lot of that we want we want to do a lot of improvements for the show and it's like yeah when we want to get a wife or behind us we would have a digital we want to have a screen over here we can see our live reads or any of that stuff and then have a playback monitor so we can see ourselves but like you don't have to redo the 1000 other Arabia comes this thing that you never get to and so it's it's tough yeah and the longer you go the bigger it seems in sunny bigger than exacerbated in the beginning exactly that's what the snowball and then support a snowball because it just it just don't do it ever yeah you know we we we get a lot of stuff done to all of say objectively we get a lot of stuff done that we do say working to try to do it takes a while but at the same time I listen to so many people because we have so many startups and immature businesses and people asking for advice on time wheat we did have a lot of people that just never ever never ever get around to it some more efficient so how do we do that just starting that are this that but that's my advice for a lot of stuff that you even if you're just curious about some just try to start doing it yet all be afraid of the unknown I think I think you don't know what's coming with their big project you may dislike off while I don't I don't need to know any of that because it's too scary but once you go get into it and you can lay it all out front yourself and you always know what you're up against yeah and and suck at something and try that light all the time right like I want it I do want to go shoot bows for some reason I think I'm going the opposite direction to some keyboards off now I know I've I have a hankering for I want to I want to race cars only not dry stick in a and I want I like to occur I want to go bow hunting like legit bow hunting one day like the shipper you have to be awesome shape to do it yeah like you have to run mountains carrier pack into the woods right right sleep there I don't know why though I've never done I've race like go carts when I was little but neither really I don't have any experience with I just really hit your primal instinct kicking in yeah because them the software I'm getting this note and paler as you can see on video sitting in the office you know of the more I want to go to the other thing yeah go play football now I hear you it's weird that you like I do feel like I do weightlifting for that sort of adrenaline's worship but even that's like wearing on me now righteously I get it done it does have the same endorphin rush that used to go it is used to it that would be the number one thing I'd say if you want to be more efficient you should try to get in shape just like whatever that is for you you want to get like talking II think people do the four snowball word you get this thing were like I've got to get to this kind of yeah body build and when you don't get there after March I think I think Jim's make most of their money in January February oh it's my favorite time of the year seeing all the new faces that come in next week and then by spring break their own, yet each way before that if you had a month yeah because I mean you know I I'm going to the same gym at the same time almost every day I see the same people would you go funk at 5 AM so it's like that that's us different commitment to like yeah but I just don't like being around it's only been in the crowded gym like having to wait on things really you know having a lot of people around yeah what's not really I mean if she if you want at 5 PM and be to be a zoo the worst yes you know and that's what a lot of people do the word about how they're looking at the gym but if you like as cheesy as it is it is good to throw down some goals and like really be specific about it like no for me I need to be able to get I need to stretch and I need to get more flexible and I need to do like yoga once a month at least yeah if not once a week yeah stretching is the number one thing for you making yourself feel good right and I that I know it and I don't do it and it's really it's a comedian self-destructive kind of mind to not go yeah I know but only to just sit in the chair all day yeah it's that they need the stretching desk used applicable to believe they got I think you got some bites I mean no just I just need to not be an acyl and then take 20 minutes and go do it I mean you've got the 20 minutes I know you are it's there the panic sets in I got to get stuff done I can get it while I would get everything done over the long haul if I feel better yeah Chris's days were your body hurts so bad that you're not it is not efficient yeah and the 20 minutes you're using to stretch is not necessarily productive 20 minutes maybe it's something that you're to mess around if you know you have 20 minutes I want to take this a bit picked that right right out due to many an afternoon of design if you get down that rabbit hole like just moving it up and down like to position something yeah with a layer on Photoshop or something you can do that for an hour I know I've been trapped in the matrix for a week on the same ship what I do now is I just go I Fokker what am I trying to do here and then will I been using my watch I literally got yes my doing put your timer on your watch then when it goes off will vibrate at the hands on that another thing I but I think one of the things to be efficient other sleep hygiene's huge I don't like calling it that what we do sleep hygiene I've never heard that oh yeah I've only heard it in my brushing teeth before bed is that of podcast commercials for Casper Leah has for what's up yes going on what you you and Squarespace need to get you should together special Squarespace, Squarespace clearly woo hoo leaving Unilever sites I can reel off right now maybe that's why the wood was pitch about them not being a spy know we never went out we got it to say what's up hey hey hey keep saying Squarespace over and over in the Dragon dictate will pick up on it yeah if you do like these episodes are try to find some keywords were we do try to drop the audio files in Dragon dictate and put in the blog post will get better at it one Suite 120 once we calibrate yes or floors leases it'll be a lot better but for now it is what it is anyway sleep hygiene that's a made-up term by right that's the old yeah that's marketing copy but it's now I've heard it I heard their first in the nets, sleep down well like that is it is it just get enough sleep is that what they're talking so with that rally app it has like little baby goals you can do and I will send you notifications like remember to have like a regular bedtime I will have that remember to shut off all devices like you can and you can check got away with it you can well it will keep you up and it's and I know like I'm trying to think about outside I wonder how many good hours I have in a day like what's my peak right six on like on my laptop you know firstly beer for work and like what's diminishing returns .0 yeah working so it's like if I'm on more than six maybe eight I'm probably it's probably not can work yeah get it in your brain will that's why I try to get on the spin bike or due or work out I'll try to answer emails because at least it feels like I'm doing some claim emails or can be asked anyway you know a lot of it's like yeah Guido hey were here whenever yes you want to meet up it's a lot of that kind of stuff that I try to follow up on but that I need to be more efficient that's one of my things like cluster all these nonurgent if you heard of I is I think Scott Eisenhower it may have to look this up Eisenhower matrix okay if I get this right out on the field very very very business smart basically you put things in the four buckets indigo is a real thing yeah sweet alright so I did learn some business school so you have important and urgent if you have non-urgent and important you have urgent not important which I don't one of those two I don't get in that urgent not important doesn't make sense like what would be urgent that you don't like the sun born that's I think that's when I get conversions of bathroom so my dad I thank you again for like listening to the price of examples and then not important not urgent and you I always forget like to state the power of note, stuff like you got put some stuff in that bucket right a lot of that stuff doesn't matter like trying to like trying to go on fiber and getting something we are done to embarrass my fantasy football friend yeah that I used to do this but is that not important for your mental health but it doesn't it's a waste of time a lot of the time it takes like an hour like a better hour I can spend in some else but doesn't make you happy marginally knows what's the risk reward right so this is all business, logic basic business logic basic pitch business logic real talk but but like it is doing some of the fight OMG I'm constantly, think about like am I wasting this is my best our right we always talk about with clients ago trite working try to get your whole group at the best dollar per hour the rat right right this does make sense for the boss to be doing some of these little things unless that's the only person you know that can really do you so like you have a small business the boss may be the person that actually comes in and cleans up stuff because they're managing everybody else doing the actual work you know I just think about that a lot I don't I don't I don't know the answer what I know that's up to can always come to think about what's my best dollar per hour in this discounts at home to like what's the but you know is it worth watching Netflix do I need to watch it right you know yet to fall asleep when I just turn off and try it out trying to sleep earlier yeah but then you won't know how picky blinders ends than what PT finds it's been on there forever unlike you all get to that year and I'll get to that now I'm still stuck on the punisher and I lie liked it the punisher of all my God I had a plan in the background for like a day and I was traumatized yeah the little violent exactly yeah yeah that's the punisher dialogue kinda sucks to it's and yeah it's a lot of cheesy ship yeah I mean it's going to be that the guy the guy who plays Frank Castle is pretty good yeah he's a good I didn't want to like him but he was on the walking dead so never so yeah don't that's this is my wife's litmus test for if you're a good judge of TV like the walking dead PCS really yeah dude it's not good anyways I out I want to see Dunkirk that's more me I want to see that stuff you haven't seen it real life stuff so be more efficient 2018 how about some productivity apps release can do that right some so you get the Apple Lodge maybe you got some, smartwatch I think Samsung has a good one now I don't know all the ins and outs of it if anybody does have any hacks send it our way or comment on this post I mean just the stuff that comes with the Apple watch timers and things for stretching I use the time countdown timer all the time yeah all that stuff masturbation right where you get caught kind of things conventional yeah oh you will get it to the point hold it building to something called hope it's like what's the is it I don't Braveheart hello Canada hello been doing a lot of war movies may be maybe Troy thinking of but either way like wheat we been doing you got a live scribe pen and notebook the other Bluetooth pen you like and it yeah is in the during the call we are on a day so my phone's dead so have you linked it up though so it can discover your text learn change your handwriting into text yeah it's all that's I mean mine is standard with that I guess here's a little bit older mines an older model but it the software doesn't now my handwriting's like a ransom note so it's kind of tough I got a calibrate that between Dragon dictate and that in in this because I do like right I like writing it will help me memorize stuff I don't I also don't want to write too much in a meeting because of not avoid paying attention so try to write like you know bullet points Rob Eli: let me write this down right now go yeah the writing of the net with your hands to even if I want to call Illinois like I have things I can write down Evernote you like I can write it that you type it in but is not the same as writing it with my hand for some reason and will not just for me either one thing I got back to is and this is a little bit duplicative and I need to figure this out is hey I want to find an app to do list app that my wife and I can see it just reminds us of certain stuff yet get wonder list W you and is not good you're so I don't so I don't know if that's good for home right will like we have our grocery list on there it's linked up if you have sent me an even bigger store but put it on there you have a referral code that's another thing for if were given out stuff you might as well you know if you go in your app the Avenue for a friend white check that out about our syllabus for you but you got all kinds of goods I want to get down to the point were nonessential grocery items I want those to come in automatically through we have shipped here I want my dog food baby formula I liked him diapers all these things that we know we need we could probably your mark every enough three weeks we need this and then I don't worry about it Lucian do you want to go the grocery store yeah you can do Amazon subscription services we do for diapers or yeah we we might we might do that just because it is like those things that set like milk those things that that site where symbols or kinases on me when I get or meat that you will look at if I go to the grocery store but yet all the other ship but it's yeah it's that when you don't have drivers it's T-shirt time yeah and the guessers T-shirts are using dads but I mean like it's that thing of okay what are these little hats I can do it at half at home in the office to help out I don't like the Alexa she oh shoot you she she will gotta pay Alexa baby she doesn't like ISR she's up to sleep with one eye open always you know I don't want one of those at my house honestly yeah how was freaking out my family over Christmas tone of my in like dirt there is already news articles that these things are orb taken the data of what you're saying to put into advertise hell yeah they are I mean if you think that if you think it doesn't listen until you say hey Lexa how did you hear you say hey Alexa it's listening before like what what yeah I'm here real talk pretend I'm truly been the we have back pain we even paid $50 for that it it's either that technology is either worth like a thousand to five straight up or it's like I did know Samsung phones the whole business model is so that Google can get all that data to try to target you yes that's what the phones are so cheap yeah all that technology so cheap yeah I heard I heard that on want to say Rogan's podcasts talking some someone with tech guys like this month but it was like oh yeah that makes perfect sense why would Samsung dominate the market for cell phones that's like the 660 6065% now between women Apple and like 00 they lowered the price in there to make it up in the backend and no one realizes yeah apples do the same thing but they they don't have the straight line date to Google you know apples they love the same infrastructure yet to capitalize on rule yeah right the immediate civilian way right today sent streamlined right into their own entity but anyways I don't have a wonder list referral sales then we give you I don't know all these hello anyway here's here's another little thing pretty much any app you use if you're given and now they usually have a refer a friend discount so if it's one of these monthly subscription you pay for apps I I had to train myself to do this but like all we oh for sales the business development if you want to like a good dashboard you should check out this Pipe Dr., Apple use it gives you visual kind of a marketing funnel that you know who's interested who you talk to you're trying to close on and I just like that visual and I got a hold on let me go get that referral code not send it out as it is being like yours that you know yeah and then you get a month off or whatever Lumley Weber will if we find one I'll put it in the notes a wonder list that's good for home I'd say because I rumor checking for business insight on the distal do what I needed to do yeah I mean it's it's a straightforward passage projects right yeah with before I forget with live scribe you can ping it to Evernote the idea was to take a bloop Bluetooth painter talk about correct thinking live scribe and then you and there's moleskin notebooks if you like those by the way the Bluetooth notebooks never thought about that the hardbound ones but I may have ever thought about if I like moleskin you don't pull some people like him I used to write all my jokes and those because they that they had the how many moles had to die a lot when cares man don't make don't make it what is it two don't make a molehill and no mountain mountain and moleskin sober song or draw an arrow to Evernote an elephant never forgets that's their logo so what you can do is it'll transfer your handwriting into text and you can make a punch list that can automatically go to is Indu which is our business test manager that we haven't been using this once I got offkilter at that it is hard to we can afford so they they do turn it it's you get ADD with apps is always one better well yeah if you never learn how to use more than 25% of then it's not really smart but then you can take that punchlist and you can also hit it over to our project management system which is right WRI K which also can communicate to all these can communicate slack because Slack isn't just for chatting that should be our communication hub notifications all that stuff you so now we have now rebuilding this kind of like coverage in case something messes up right see what I if I heard this I would think men adding four apps would be more efficient and it sounds like it's it's overwhelming itself is not efficient but if you spend a little bit of time and get it right then it's automated from there on out and your love what I write philosophically a look at this way right like we got to figure this out to get and I was talk that always tell us what clients were doing like operations permittivity stuff it's going to be a little bit harder before it gets easier right right so it's gonna suck right now what we should what you and I should be doing is creating a map over our whiteboard in figuring out this like efficiency I want to do it, right after we get off in a couple minutes so at least we just started the Sally called back later no doesn't the right it was amazing call back just start will just started her money word-of-mouth is that we can't be dispensing advice and disco funk it's theater of the mind law is a joke it do it anything else to be more productive in 2018 anything that's been on your mind yeah okay so the other app that I use a lot I used to wonder list for dislike my daily I got to do this today I have a today list do this this is right then I have an app called habit list and that one allows you to just put in something like stretching you put in stretching I want to do I want to stretch be very times a week yeah and then when you do it that they the little button and it's in there and it keeps track of whether or not you're you're keeping up with your habits so I use it for all kinds lifting weights running in all the stuff that it's like you can cut and get away from you to Billy was last time I did do that and then you might pray five times a day right things pop an awful time you know it's easy to get away from your habits and remembering what you what makes you feel good you know way if you can't quantify it really none I members I need to quantify I was thinking of anytime I sit here make me feel good that I think of a monstrous ball don't know you Halle Berry I remember telling Bob Thorton yeah maybe feel right yeah nailed it I hope that I hope that production meeting Ernest Billings brush notes in the tally very low what would what would you know that I don't know do it with a male voice like you don't know it's a like gritty draining yeah what habit list is good I I've tried that at one point again I need vocalize almost outside like externally and go okay I'll get it download this app only use it yet is almost like 19 knee was a 90% of apps or something that or downloaded open once never used again see the good thing about habilis I think it pay for things like two or three bucks even then should shoot in the sky man I was looking at all the subscriptions I had for here in home this week and was like on to here's a user one trim if you're that yeah it's not sample site but it is no it basically you know if you're comfortable with putting in if people like mint were you can kind aggregate all your transactions and it'll note, more or less over time as you check things off it's good for your taxes to it'll be like you're spending way too much in meals I and so that's a good kind – four for that trim will look up your cable bill in all your stuff so you got put in the your banking account I did from this place are checking in our credit card for here and it was little go oh you're paying too much for frontier yeah a little one we negotiate some better for you oh yeah and so dates for you so they make a little vague if they get that negotiation okay that's out that's how they make money and it does it all on its own how does it I don't know I haven't gotten to the point were were actually negotiating but that that's the big cell and apparently like you guys know the deal with all the cable or Internet providers you basically especially with cable TV you can basically talk a minute like given it to you for a dollar yeah if if use if you're tenacious enough and I guess this cuts, cuts that yes yours with I'm done with you and then the negotiations begin hey want one thing you should get from your Internet provider and that's on my punch list is better router because these things suck after like a year of use and they become outdated so you can call Bob Ingo hey I need to upgrade the router and the going anyone in the you be like well Wi-Fi is now a lot better yeah and they probably want that because they've got a deal with the router company Macon Chittenden Nate takers back recycle it yeah making money will the region have to ask is because you don't they don't want you to use more bandwidth than you have to probably so I would say the reverse I would say like because if you look at your upload download speed that states you pay for hundred and hundred whatever that deal is your upload speeds always a lot slower on Wi-Fi and most people on Wi-Fi free hardline that's the only way we get 100 hundred yeah so like so I don't think it behooves them to be able to move more data from here like net neutrality is, that the whole thing yeah but the new router might be more efficient on the island and they can listen to your calls bitter over where the hell yeah yeah that to thanks the dirty side of them probably want to stop greater routers yeah the mean there's there's this as it will never get the answer to that herself utilize 100 other stuff in coaxial cables that can listen you now you know that I didn't know the rest will have those yeah will you have to have the cable to get I guess at coaxial cable to get the Internet in your house a lot of time and then people either have like old ones left there from last person or but I don't know where that is in that I don't think it's around like very prevalent I just think it's a plague in South Korea where everything is technically and I terms and conditions man those things are to get something to happen with that because there's just too much sneaky ship that people are signing up for an advantage of everybody it's great that there needs to be a law enacted that says it can only be this long or whatever which I think they try to do a couple times and they work around it was too long with thrilling and that's about all politicians do they just go what is this you can you write you guys read this for me yeah you're right actually need law to make that will to make laws shorter and then once that's in than they do for some time as a country okay well look we had glory years here in the US this is a sad day for good we had a good run what's what's get some music going out Remer at tax time is coming up hit up hello freshman school fresh books.com/let like you sweat to get hooked up but you feel good and you want to say anything to the peeps have a happy new year people don't make a New Year's resolution just try to be good take a lifestyle every day wonder list habit list all that list we'll see Israeli