voicesbecameourstars

[voicesbecameourstars]

Slacker

I’ve become a big slacker on this blog I know 😅

So. Just a few quick updates.

1. Just a few updates on my life. In May I got a new job working at Walmart. It pays a lot more so that’s always nice. I can actually afford to buy things here and there now.

2. On June 15th I got a new puppy. She’s a pointer mix and she’s 3 months old. I got her from the shelter. She’s my pride and joy. But also a pain in my rear end. At least she’s a cute pain 😂 if you want to get up to date on her, she has her own Instagram account. Stella_the_rescue_pointer

3. Im thinking about shooting for a job with FEMA after college. After having a really intense dream where my grandfather was talking to me. It’s a field where I can incorporate my degree and my desire to help people in emergency situations. May even be able to apply my search dog handling with it to find missing people in disaster areas. Good luck to me right?😂 if you want to hear the dream I don’t mind to share it. Just let me know.

4. The first week of June I went to the beach with my boyfriend and his family. It was a blast! And it was much needed. Getting away for a little while and spending time with my boyfriend and his fun-loving family did me a lot of good. Sometimes you just need a good vacation to reboot your system.

5. My heart still gets heavy. But between work, keeping up with Stella, hanging out with Jordan, and doing various other activities tends to keep me distracted. But it doesn’t always keep it away. I have too much time to think at work sometimes. And sometimes I don’t think at all but my heart still gets heavy. I don’t get sad really. There’s just a heaviness. And I tend to be more easily angered these days. Puppy snuggles combat that though. I’m still having a lot of sleeping issues. One night I literally laid down at midnight, turned everything off except my fan, and still was wide awake at 5 am. And when I do sleep it’s violent and restless. So I feel tired all the time these days. But there’s no way to combat that without sleeping pills. And I don’t really want to take those. But the over the counter stuff doesn’t help me at all anymore. I’m immune. By this point I’d need a horse tranquilizer before anything would actually help (this is a metaphor. I wouldn’t actually take a horse tranquilizer 😅) I feel like I’ve gotten even skinnier. But that’s because I eat like once a day and I walk. A LOT. my puppy needs to go out about every hour unless she’s sleeping so we walk quite a bit in a days time. And at work in confined in a particular spot so I pace in circles the entirety of my shift. Which is also where I do way too much thinking because all I have to keep me entertained is my thoughts. And they aren’t always good ones. But mostly I try to make up little fictional things and play a movie in my head. Keeps the sad thoughts away but still entertaining.

6. On June 24th, my Popall’s birthday, we had a cookout for him and a lot of family came. I made sure to stay distracted that whole day so I didn’t have a second of time to be sad. Which. Works. Until I try to go to sleep. For the most part I’ve turned off my feelings. The fragile ones at least. Not all of them. If I make myself numb to the hurt it can’t hurt me.

7. I’m going to TRY. Keyword is try. To update this everyday. If I can’t make that work I will at least do weekly posts.

Thanks for stopping by 🐾

[voicesbecameourstars]

First Run in a long time

Well. I accidentally made my first run in forever today. I was going to training but we got a call before drill ever started for a missing boy. Command was set up at my station. I assisted the chief and did accountability and anything else he needed me to do. It was nice feeling useful and needed. We ended up finding the boy a few hours after the search began. It was a relief that he was found. It was dark and getting cold. He was special needs so it was even more critical that we find him. I’m glad everything turned out good and he got home safe. Everything went smoothly. And I was happy I got to be a part of it.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Update on blog content

Okay, so instead of doing daily updates I’m going to switch off and just start blogging the important stuff because posting every single day can get pretty boring. So I’m going to transition to more important events, whatever my thoughts at the moment may be, whatever I might be feeling that I feel like typing out. Stuff like that. Or just random things I find that I like. My day to day life can be pretty normal and un-noteworthy. I’m doing this for you guys (if anyone even reads these) and also for my benefit. Blogging every single day over just anything and everything that I tend to do regularly is really repetitive if you can’t tell. So I’m making this transition for any of my followers I might have and for myself to make things a little easier. Sometimes I just don’t feel like blogging about the small details of each passing day. Hopefully you guys are in agreeance. Thanks ❤️

[voicesbecameourstars]

Tuesday 2/27/18

I woke up around 12:30 and took a shower. By the time I finished getting ready it was closer to 2. I left for class at 2:30. I took one of my mid term tests and got an 84. After I left class I unloaded some furniture and moved it to my grandmas basement until I figured out where I want to put it. After that I ate dinner and went to see Jordan on his break. Once I got home I did a little bit of studying and took two more mid term tests and watched Chicago Fire. Jordan called me when he got off work but we didn’t talk long because he was exhausted. I told him to go on and get some sleep. After he hung up I watched Chicago Fire a while longer and laid down around 3-4.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Monday 2/26/18

I woke up to Jordan’s ringtone at 11:30ish. I got ready real fast and then I went to pick him up. We hung out at my house until a little after 2. Then I took him to get his car and then I gave him a ride from his grandparents to his house. I was sad we couldn’t have our day. I really miss him. I just watched more Chicago Fire and then I got ready to go to a visitation for a fellow firefighter and friend who’s mother passed away. He means a lot to me so I needed to go pay my respects.

After that we got some food and went home. I ate and hung out at my grandma’s a while and then I went home and watched more Chicago Fire and talked to Jordan until he went to bed around 11:30-12. I kept watching until around 2:30. I fell asleep around 3-3:30.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Sunday 2/25/18

I woke up around 12:30 and took a shower. After I finished getting ready I went to Walmart and then I went to the family get together at the fire department. I won all kinds of prizes at bingo and I ate like a whole pizza by myself. I think my dad liked the birthday gift I got him. I really wanted to do more for him but it just didn’t work out the way I wanted it too and I don’t really have a lot of money to do things I’d like to do. But I think he loved it. I hope he did anyway.

After the dinner I went home for a while and then I went to see Jordan on his break. After that I came home and binge watched Chicago Fire until Jordan called me. We talked until about 1:30ish and then I kept watching until after 4. I fell asleep around 5:30.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Saturday 2/24/18

I got woken up around 7 to my dad calling me. He wanted me to go check on my grandma because she wasn’t answering the phone. I assured him she was probably in the shower. I ended up being right. She always takes her showers in the mornings. And that’s about the only time she doesn’t answer the house phone unless she’s outside or not home. I wasn’t overly concerned but I can understand why he was. I laid back down and slept a while longer. At 12:30 I got another call from him, waking me up again. I went to see Jordan on his break around 1.

I watched Chicago Fire all day long until I had to go to work. Work wasn’t too bad. Most of the people I work with are idiots though. Not all. But most.

After work Jordan and I called until close to 3. I continued my Chicago Fire binge and talked to him while he played video games. After he hung up I kept watching until I got ready to go to bed.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Friday 2/23/18

I woke up around 12:30. Mike and I ordered pizza and he dug up his EMT book so I could get an idea of what I’d be learning in my EMT class. I was pretty excited about that. Jordan face timed me and I looked through the book and talked to him until sometime after 3. Then I took a shower and got ready for work and talked to Jordan more. Once he hung up I just relaxed for a short while and then he and I both were going to work.

Work wasn’t bad. It was nice to be back at papa johns but we got DESTROYED. we were so busy but it was okay because it made the time pass by faster. Eventually, at 10:30 or so, I got to go home and I was glad for it.

Jordan called me around 11. He played video games with his brother almost the whole time so we didn’t really get to talk much. We talked about 30 minutes after they finished playing before he went to bed. I stayed up a while watching Netflix and looking over the EMT book some more. I went to sleep sometime after 5.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Thursday 2/22/18

I woke up around 10 am. I had a stray dog visiting my house and we found his owners. I kept watch of him for a lot of the day. I lazed around watching Netflix and talking to Jordan until I had to leave for school. School was frustrating today because they were debating why or why not prostitution should be legalized. So it got pretty heated and the stupidity levels of the people in that class astonished me. I wanted to yell. So I refrained from talking at all. I knew if I got started I wouldn’t stop. So I just kept it to myself.

I left class a bit early to meet my family at the sprint store. My grandmother and I both got new phones. We both got the iPhone 8. I AM SO EXCITED. My last phone was a piece of crap and it only worked right half the time. My last phone was a hand me down and the phones before that one were bought used online. So it’s really cool to finally have a brand new phone that’s only mine. My phone case has a sleeve for my ID and debit card. Which I’m excited about because next time when I’m on the ambulance I won’t have to worry about a wallet or anything like that. I can have my phone, ID, and money all in the same spot. It’ll be super convenient and I won’t have to worry about not having any money on me because I left my stuff at the station. I also got a wireless charger and it’s really cool.

After that I went with my family to ocharleys.

My day kind of spiraled down hill from there. Fast.

Starting the process of becoming an EMT is one of the most exciting and happiest things in my life right now. But it really hit me hard tonight that the person I want to share it with the most... I can’t. Because he’s no longer with us. He would be so proud of me. It would show on his face and be evident in his voice, but he’d tell me too. He would actually listen to me and have a real conversation about it. He would share in my childlike excitement. He’d go on to tell me stories from his experiences in making rescue and EMS runs. He’d give me advice. But most of all, he’d give me his love, support, attention, and he’d tell me a thousand times how proud he was of me. Even though he didn’t have to say it that much for me to know how proud he was. He would. Because that’s who he was. I really miss that. I need him. Popall was my person. And now that he’s gone I feel so isolated and alone. I know I have my friends, my family, and I’ve got Jordan as well. But in some ways I’m still alone. In some ways I’m still empty. I need my person back so badly.... you have no idea how much all of this is killing me. I feel like I’m drowning.

It comes in waves. I have great days, I have okay days, and then I have days like today.

But today it hit me so hard and so fast I didn’t see it coming. I felt like I got hit by a train.

I cried violently the whole way home from Danville. Just listening to music and driving slow in the dark. I pulled it together just as I walked into my grandmas house. I helped her with a few things relating to her phone and just hung out. Around 11 I went home and watched Netflix until Jordan called me. We talked until after 3. I slept some during our call. After we hung up I passed out almost immediately. I had just enough time to turn the lights off and turn my fan on.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Wednesday 2/21/18

I woke up for the day around 11:30. Eventually I got up and took a shower and got ready. Around 2:20 I went and got Jordan. We had a great day just being lazy, snuggling, watching Netflix. We ate dinner at my grandma's. Our time goes by SO fast. Too fast. I took him home around 9. Once he called me we talked until around 12. He went to bed and I stayed up watching Netflix and trying to gather pictures off of my phone. I went to bed around 4.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Tuesday 2/20/18

I woke up at the bright time of 7 am. Obviously I was quite tired considering I hadn't been asleep for very long. I laid in bed for about 20 minutes just letting myself wake up. But i didn't struggle, I got up so easily because I was looking forward to the day. I arrived at EMS around 7:50 and I sat in my car for a few minutes. I went in and we all talked and I got shown the ambulance and where everything was. Then we waited... and waited... and when we sent someone out to get breakfast for everyone the tones went off. So much for breakfast, right?

After dropping the patient off at the hospital we got back and we ate our breakfast. I just ate mine cold. I didn't care I just wanted to eat my sausage biscuit and drink my water. We waited some more. And then we were off on run #2. After getting that patient to the hospital, we didn't even get out of the parking lot before we got toned out for run #3. After getting that patient to the hospital and back into town we had run #4.

By this point, I was about one hard bump in the road away from peeing myself and I thought I would die from not drinking anything. My mouth was dryer than the Sahara desert and my throat was getting scratchy. But. Thank god our next stop was McDonald's. I got a mcchicken meal with a large sweet tea and after we got back to the station it didn't last long. I inhaled it. And I never have been so excited to see a bathroom.

My instructors pro tips for the day, that I will live by religiously during a shift after I become an EMT or on my next ride along:

1. Eat whenever you possibly can, even if you're not hungry

2. Use the bathroom anytime you have the chance, even if you think you don't have to go

3. Sleep every chance you get because if you don't you might not get another chance to

Very wise words to live by in any first response related job. Just sayin. My fatal mistake was not peeing every time I could. But I won't do that to myself again.

I loved my ride along so much. I know for sure I want to pursue being an EMT. After some experience and thought I might even move upward to be a paramedic. I haven't felt this much peace, relief, and happiness for a while. I felt so alive today. I loved doing it so much I didn't even want to leave when it was time to. It gives me so much hope for my future and so much relief that I've finally found something I would love to do with my life.

I haven't felt like this in so long and I'm going to cherish this feeling. But I'm going to go out there and I'm going to make this happen for myself.

As soon as I find a class I'm going to get my EMT and then I'll go from there.

After I left EMS I went to fire drill. It was actually really fun tonight. We geared up in our full outfit and we practiced crawling through super tight spaces and mimicking breaking through an elevated window and crawling through it. I thought I'd fall and bust my face on that one but I didn't. I did it just as well as I could have possibly done it. I was proud.

I stopped by my grandma's after drill. It was after 10 before I got there. I ate a little bit, I was still full from my late lunch but thought I'd eat something anyways. I told my grandma about my day.

After that I went home and called jordan. We talked until 12;30ish. After he went to bed I watched Netflix. I have no idea when I fell asleep. When I woke up sometime before 7 the laptop was on my lap, phone in my hand, lights still on. I fell back asleep before I got any of it turned off. Then I woke up again at 8 and finally turned it all off and I slept more.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Monday 2/19/18

I woke up around 10 am with no alarm. I was proud. I guess that's what happens when you go to bed at a decent time. Who knew?

I got ready and went and got Jordan sometime between 11-12. We went to Danville and got lunch with his brother and nephew. Then we sat at a doctors office for like 3 hours. After that we went to my house and hung out and cuddled. I fell asleep per usual. We ate dinner at my grandma's and then hung out some more. Then I took him home. He called me not long after and we talked until after 12. Then he went to bed. I need to go to bed too because I have to get up at 7 but I'm not all that sleepy. I finally fell asleep sometime between 3-4. I struggled HARD to fall asleep.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Saturday 2/17/18

I woke up at 8:50 to my pesky alarm. It took everything I had to get out of bed and get going. I left for work at 9:20. Work went by so slow but it wasn't too awful. I'm still really upset about some things and I can't wait to get out of there and just work at papa john's. I was on drive through the entire day and we were super busy because no one wanted to get out of their vehicle and come inside because of the rain. So practically the only time I wasn't on drive through between 9:30-6 was my 30 minute break. Plus I had to interact with someone very terrible from my past and it shook me up. I know he had to know it was me. But I was polite, used my best customer service voice and told him to have a nice day anyways. I really wanted to just leave after that.

After work I got some food and drove on to Wendy's and ate. By the time I finished eating Jordan was walking to my car for his break. So we talked and hung out until his break ended. I didn't want him to go back. I miss him so much it hurts.

I went to my grandma's and we watched some more home videos until around 10. I went home and took a shower. Then I played call of duty for a little while. Then I started in on the Netflix. Around 12:30-1ish Jordan called. We talked until around 3:30 and then we went to sleep. Or at least I did. I was pretty tired.

Sunday 2/18/18

I woke up at 10:20. I would've rather cut my pinky toe off than to get up honestly. The exhaustion was all too much. Work went by painfully slow. Time wasn't the only pain though. My feet felt like they were on fire. My grandma got me some really good shoes and they help a lot compared to what I was wearing. But my feet were still pretty sore. By the time 6 came around I practically ran for the door. I went to see Jordan on his break and then after that I went to my grandma's and ate and watched a movie. I went home around 10:40.

I need to work on dads birthday present but God I'm so tired. I laid here and watched Netflix with my eyes barely open. Jordan called around 12:30 but we went to bed almost 30 minutes later. We were both exhausted.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Friday 2/16

I woke up a little after 11 to my alarm. Jordan was still asleep. I laid here for a while and then took a shower and got ready. By then he was awake. I went and got him and we spent most of the day trying to get his car going and figure out what was wrong. It wasn't successful though. Eventually I convinced him that we should go get food because I was starving. So we went and got food. After that we went to my house for about an hour and cuddled and watched Naruto. By then it was already time to take him to work.

After I dropped him off I went to my grandma's to visit with everyone but I fell asleep on her couch. By the time I woke up it was time to go see him on his break. After that I went home and tried to work on my project some more. I hit a roadblock with it so I had to scrap it and start over. I'm really frustrated. Maybe I should just wait and try again tomorrow with a fresh mind and fresh eyes.

I went back to my grandma's for a little while and ate some food. After that I came back home and relaxed some. Just watched Netflix a while. I fell asleep around 3-3:30.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Thursday 2/15

I woke up around 11. I talked to Jordan a while and then I left for my hair appointment. I cut 8 inches off of my hair and I don't regret it in the least. I feel better actually and it looks healthier. It was starting to look ratty and it was getting on my nerves.

After that I went to Kroger and turned in my resignation letter. I got some gas. I got some supplies for my project I'm working on. I went home. I talked to Jordan on FaceTime and did my homework until he had to leave for work.

I went to my grandma's and everyone was pretty surprised at my new hair. I hung out there until I went to see Jordan. After I spent some time with him on his break I came back to my grandma's and hung out. I danced with my brother and had fun with everyone until slowly everyone went home for the night. My grandma and I continued our home video watching and really enjoyed the videos we watched. We realized she still wears the same robe she was wearing when I was still less than a year old and still has the same lamps. We had a good laugh about that. Sometime after 10 I went home.

She let me take Popall's phone with me so I could get pictures and stuff off of it.

Today was hard... so hard... I don't know how to describe any of it but it was just hard. All day long I just wanted to cry out for my popall. Beg him to come back. The ache in my chest grows everyday. It's weird. It's like I'm hurting so horribly and deeply but at the same time I can't feel anything at all. I don't know how that's even possible but... like I said. It's weird. I'm drowning.

I went and rescued Jordan from work because his car is misbehaving again. After that we face timed until 3:30 am.

Just as a little FYI. I've been working on the beginning stages of my project and my hands are covered in black paint. I had to run a rescue mission when I spilled black paint on the carpet. The cleaner made me light headed. My bed also has paint in it. It's a mess but. It's going well so far so it's all okay.

I fell asleep around 4:30.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Wednesday 2/14/18

I woke up around 11:20ish to Jordan calling me. We talked until after 12 when his next class was starting. Eventually I got up and got ready. Then I drove to get him and then I watched and attempted to assist him in changing his starter on his car.

I really wish I'd been videoing him when his car started. He threw his hands in the air and took of running. He took his shirt off and threw his shirt around in the air and kept running. It was truly hilarious. His dad and I were cracking up.

After that we went out to eat for Valentine's Day. We got Mexican because I'd been wanting my chicken, rice, and cheese for SO long and I finally got it so I was really happy. I've also been eating candy all day. We watched Netflix and snuggled and we visited my grandmother for a little while. Then cuddled and watched more Netflix. I slept through one of the episodes but I stayed awake after that. Sadly around 9:40 he went home. But he called me when he got home and we talked while he played games and I worked on a project.

After he hung up I continued on with my project (which will remain secret for a while) and watched Netflix.

I fell asleep around 4:30.

[voicesbecameourstars]

Tuesday 2/13

I woke up around 12:30. I laid around and watched my shows for a while and got ready. I went and picked up Jordan around 3 o clock and gave him a ride home. Then I went by Papa Johns and worked for a little while. After that I went and got stuff for Valentine's Day. I got my grandma white roses and Hershey bars. I got Jordan a few things as well. Then I scheduled my ride along with EMS. After that I hung out at my grandma's and ate spaghetti and talked to the family. I went and saw Jordan on his break and then hung out with my family some more. Eventually it was down to just grandmommy and I. I stayed over there until after 10. Sometimes it's just so hard to leave her... I feel so torn and guilty every time I leave her at night when she's there alone. I know how hard it has to be. We're all struggling but I know it has to be super hard for her at night by herself.

After I got home I took a shower and watched Hulu. Jordan called me when he got off work and we talked a little while. He went to bed and I finished the series I was watching. I laid awake consumed by my own thoughts. I fell asleep sometime after 4.