#(she doesn’t have em in her tarot card for example)

[the-ninja-legacy-whip]

so what are these little lines on jesse's cheeks (cam and mira have it to is it a family thing)

It IS a family thing! It comes from Caroline’s side of the family, and while Jesse and Cam will always have the marks, Miranda only has them sometimes~

(…I haven’t actually decided what it is though—weird dimples, eye wrinkle, hereditary birthmark, random lines—BUT I put it there since the majority of the main cast had some kind of stand out facial feature and I wanted Jesse to be included :P)

[elysiumwaits]

I was tagged by @novemberhush which is great because I love to talk about myself. It’s a problem sometimes at work, but it’s great for when I’m in therapy and doing memes on the internet!

Rules: answer 15 questions and then tag 15 people

1) Are you named after anyone?

Kind of. So my name is Emily. My mom had a cat named Emma - my biological father (who was not a good man) was jealous of the cat, and, long story short, Mom did not have a cat because of this asshole. So she named me Emily because she liked the name. I’m essentially named after her favorite pet. My middle name is Marie, it’s a family name - the last person who had it before me was my Great Aunt Marie, and she was, I’m told, the kind of woman who would take no shit and no prisoners. My mother told me it’s a very fitting middle name for me.

That said, please, please, please don’t call me Emily. Em is okay, I go by that in real life, but I actually prefer Eli or Ely most of the time. 

2) When was the last time you cried?

Shit, son, I cry at the drop of a hat. Probably a couple days ago? I’m a frustration crier and a happy crier and a oh-shit-I-dropped-my-fork-again crier, so it just... doesn’t really register anymore.

3) Do you have kids?

No. I work in a daycare, specifically the infant room. I love it, but personally, I don’t feel like kids are currently in the plan. This may change - I love children, but right now I don’t trust anyone enough to share a child with them, nor am I financially or mentally stable enough to raise one. 

I am, however, extremely maternal, so I will probably eventually have one. Just one.

4) Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Mmm, kind of? I don’t suffer fools gladly, which is sometimes a problem because my mouth moves before my brain catches up. I don’t use sarcasm in a mean or mocking way with people who don’t know any better - I will exaggerate it to use it with children so they know, without a doubt, that it’s sarcasm and a joke. Adults who should know better than to do ridiculous things, though, are fair game. 

Take, for example, the woman who told me I didn’t dress professionally enough in the infant room because I was wearing leggings and a comfortable t-shirt.

I used sarcasm with her. “Oh, I’m sorry. You’re absolutely right, I’m sure you put makeup and heels on for [child]’s 4 am feedings, too, right?” And then I pointed out the stains on my shirt from baby food and formula. 

With kids, though, who are old enough to understand what sarcasm is, I’ll do a really exaggerated, over the top eyeroll and be like “Oh, goodness, we never ever go outside, do we? We’ve never gone outside a single day you’ve been here!” or something like that, because they laugh and they know it’s a joke. It also helps them develop critical thinking and communication skills.

5) What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Okay, so, I am a hypervigilant person thanks to a lot of PTSD-inducing trauma, so the first thing I notice about a person is usually how they hold themselves and if they have anything in their hand. I notice body language religiously - someone with an aggressive, threatening stance is immediately labeled a threat, whereas a person walking with arms to the side, shoulders back, and a general open body language is labeled not-a-threat.

That’s how I live my life, day to day. Threat or not-a-threat. Every single place I go.

I don’t recommend it.

6) What’s your eye colour?

Blue - apparently a very striking blue, I’ve been asked multiple times if I wear contacts. I do not.

7) Scary movie or happy ending?

HAPPY ENDING. And honestly, I have to know that beforehand or I have too much anxiety to enjoy the book/film/show/game.

8) Any special talents?

Writing, though that’s less talent and more intense and obsessive devotion to a craft. 

I hesitate to add: I’m also very good with tarot cards. Give me enough time with a person, one of my decks, and I can pry deep into their lives and tell them things about themselves that they’ve never revealed to another soul. It’s honestly terrifying. I have stories.

9) Where were you born?

Missouri. Technically in a helicopter, not actually in a hospital. It was a very emergency C-section, I was a month early, and Mom had actually coded. She likes to tell people that I’ve tried to kill her at least once!

10) What are your hobbies?

Writing, gaming, reading, Youtube videos and shows, crochet (less so lately, I have trouble remembering patterns these days). I write a lot, I read mostly fanfiction right now, I game when I can (usually Skyrim, Dragon Age Inquisition, or Minecraft), I watch a lot of Rooster Teeth and Achievement Hunter, and occasionally I make blankets and washcloths when I get so stressed that I can’t function.

11) Do you have pets?

YES. Okay, so I have Boo, who actually might be my soulmate. I’ve never felt so close to an animal. He hopped in my car one day when I pulled into a parking lot, and I was like “Oh, okay, I have a cat now,” and he’s been mine ever since. In my defense, he was very, very skinny, declawed, and more than likely abandoned. I call him Seizure Cat sometimes because he always seems to know when I’m about to seize, and he’ll climb on me and purr so that I don’t wake up alone. It really helps. 

Then I have Piper, who is my princess. She is 16-17, and to be frank, I stole her. I say I rescued her, but essentially, I stole her. I saw my friend’s dad kick her hard enough she bounced off a wall, and when it was time to go, I just picked her up and took her with me. For a long time, I was the only person she would let near her. She’s mellowed out quite a bit, hangs out mostly in her basket next to the food bowl, and yells when she wants attention - if you try to pet her before she wants it, she gets super angry. So affection is always on her terms!

Last but not least is actually my parents’ dog, Kobe. He is a massive German Shepherd/Treeing Walker Hound mix that we got from a pound in St. Louis. Brought him home at 8 pounds, found out he had distemper (he was the only of his litter to survive it), and 95 pounds and roughly three years later, he sleeps at the end of my bed (or couch when I can’t sleep in the bed). He is insanely smart - he’s officially smart enough that he knows all the commands he’s supposed to, can understand sentences and respond to them. He just doesn’t listen, because he pretty much knows he doesn’t have to. Luckily he’s an only dog, and my parents and I adore him, because he’s pretty much untrainable, simply because he’s so damn stubborn.

12) What sport do you play/have you played?

I can tell you that there is not a single person in this world who has ever looked at me and said “oh yeah, she’s sporty.”

I broke my wrist in a junior high kickball game. I wasn’t even playing. I was walking around the gym, talking with my hands with my friend @artsake-dreams and someone kicked the ball. It was hard enough that it flew across the gym, bounced off my hand, and snapped my wrist. The gym teacher didn’t believe I was hurt, the substitute nurse thought I was faking, so I walked to the office and cried to the secretary (who was my mom’s friend, mom is a teacher in the same district). Mom brought the x-rays in and very quietly and intensely not-yelled at the nurse and the gym teacher.

Later, in senior year, I got banned from playing hockey in the gym because I was too aggressive and almost got a detention for swearing. The only reason I didn’t was because the PE teacher was honestly just glad I was showing an interest in something physical.

13) How tall are you?

5’3

14) Favourite subject at school?

English/Writing. I also really enjoyed the sciences, even if I wasn’t good at the math. I was excellent when it came to the theories, but the formulas were really difficult for me. I also really love philosophy.

15) Dream job

I want to say writer, but that’s a lie because I don’t like people giving me deadlines for writing. I think an editor with a publisher is my dream job. Possibly a college-level writing/English/literature teacher. I’m one of those people who believes that writing is a skill that can be taught (though some are born with an innate talent) and that it’s something that should be taught. But that’s a post for another day.

Uh, okay, tagging some people? @artsake-dreams @sophaoat @thepeacering @icarusthriving UUUH it’s 2 am I don’t know 15 people off the top of my head, sorry, BUT if you see this you’re welcome to do it and say I tagged you!!!

[soveryanon]

Some thoughts about MAG121! (... it ended up getting long, rambling and screaming ahead.)

- “Antonio” had been one of my hypotheses for the first episode (same as season2!Jon: try to consider all the possible options, increase statistical chance to be right about one of them), since he had popped up a few times through allusions when crystal shops were involved:

(MAG011, “Antonio Blake”) These dreams have been a regular part of my sleeping for about eight years now. Even as life improved and I found a new job and place to live – believe it or not I now work selling crystals and tarot cards in a “magic” shop – they continued to crop up a few times each month.

(MAG032, Jane Prentiss) I had a job. I sold crystals. […] I remember, before I found the nest, someone new came. His name was Oliver, and he would look at me so strangely. Not with lust or affection or contempt, but with sadness. Such a deep sadness. And once with fear.

(MAG042, Jennifer Ling) […] I saw someone staring at me from the doorway of a small shop. The sign above didn’t have an obvious name, simply reading “Crystals. Books. Tarot”. He was tall, black and careworn, deep lines of worry etched into an otherwise handsome face.

… but I had pictured a visit paid to the Archives, not… apparently-already-turned-Avatar!Oliver visiting Jon at the hospital and basically encouraging him in this path, SHHHHHHHIT. (Handsome black queer Death Prophet introducing himself officially, and Tim isn’t around anymore for this, I feel cheated (like Death). I… had been wondering if Tim hadn’t met the guy off-screen towards the end of season 3, since he sounded unsettlingly convinced that he wouldn’t come back… And now, I kinda hope that it really didn’t happen – it would probably have make him lose faith in (in)humanity even further. Oliver would have told him to “rest in pieces”, uh.)

- … I’m also so, so mad, because, yes, I had spotted him in MAG032 and MAG042; but I had totally overlooked the fact that he had lied/concealed some information back when he’d given his statement (March 14th 2015) and it’s so, so obvious in retrospect, gdi!!! He totally got me with the seemingly pure good boy utterly honest façade, and nop, he’s just super good at casually lying/dissimulating while pretending to be charmingly deadpan honest, which he did again with Georgie by introducing himself as “Antonio” without missing a beat (lol) (don’t misunderstand, I’m love him, his voice was effing amazing, and also WOW WHAT A LITTLE SHIT).

(MAG011, “Antonio Blake”) I tell you this because I feel you have a right to know the sort of timescales that we’re dealing with here. I haven’t had much of a chance to experiment or see anything more specific, I’m afraid. There are so many people who die in London, and I know so few of them.

^he only gave the two examples of his ex-colleague’s (a “John” =D) and of his father’s deaths, but he worked in Jane Prentiss’s shop before she gave her statement in February 2014; he had already seen her, seen her condition (and it looked… really fucked up) and yet didn’t mention it at all in his statement, and… it should have ticked me off, damnit!! Same with MAG042 (statement given November 3rd 2013):

(MAG042, Jennifer Ling) When he saw me looking at him, he began to walk up to me, still with that intense look. I took a couple of steps back, and asked if I could help him. He shook his head as if unsure what to say, then asked me what I was listening to. A chill ran over me as I realised he was staring at my ears. I said I wasn’t listening to anything, as I wasn’t wearing headphones, and asked him what he wanted. He shook his head again, and mumbled something about protecting my hearing. He turned away then, and started walking back into the shop.

He thought that Jennifer was wearing earphones!! Because there were roots in her ears!! He couldn't see her ears!! Because he was seeing it live, not remembering it from his dreams!! Gdi!!! I’m still so mad I hadn’t realized, it was just right there!!

(MAG011, “Antonio Blake”) Or maybe they just couldn’t be seen, fighting off death for so long that when it came at last its icy tendrils covered every inch of them.

That “icy”: he knew that they were cold because he had already touched them!!! Damnit!!

- … there is some ambiguity about the number of statements he gave (I definitely heard the plural in the second sentence?):

(MAG121) OLIVER: I gave the old woman a statement, so, maybe I owe you one as well. […] So. My name is Oliver Banks. In my other statements, I used the name “Antonio Blake”, but I don’t really think either name has much meaning for me anymore.

So, mmmm, is there another one laying around, or did Gertrude take a live statement from him after his written one?

- efhrefdjknefd about the fact that the One Person Sent To Talk To Jon would be calling him “Jon” (“Hum… Hello, Jon. Do you… mind, if I call you Jon? I, I mean. You don’t actually know me, it’s just… well. “Archivist”, it’s so… formal, isn’t it?”), while, until now, other avatars had called him “Archivist” without batting an eye:

(MAG039) PRENTISS: Archivist. (MAG047) MICHAEL: There has never been a door there, Archivist, your mind plays tricks on you. (MAG089) JUDE: No more questions, Archivist! (MAG091) MIKE: Archivist. Take my mercy and leave. (MAG097) NIKOLA: Question time is over, little Archivist. (MAG100) HELEN: Time is hard, Archivist. It’s difficult to follow without a proper mind, especially here.

(Nikola also used “Jon” sometimes, but it had mostly been “Archivist”, and hey, ~the Stranger is not known for its consistency~) -> Dat sweet-talking and trying to get in Jon’s good graces by calling him by his name, while he usually goes into squint&snarl mode as soon as he’s called “Archivist”. Oliver’s obsession with finally being able to have a good night (he wanted a “dreamless sleep”, recalled his “desperation to finally have a good night’s sleep”, “to have one good night’s sleep”) must also have hit a bit close to home, uh.

- Martin begging for Jon to wake up and help them, finally accepting a deal that sounded shady to protect the others since Jon is still unresponsive => Jon: *stays undead* Handsome black mlm passing by to tell his story, right after Valentine’s day => Jon: *HEAVY BREATHING.*

- In all seriousness, I wonder how Oliver’s statement expressed itself in Jon’s mind: were they suddenly on the boat, breaking the cycle of Jon’s dreams? Did Jon indeed feel a “fear”, since Oliver is already an avatar? (Julia&Trevor hadn’t really sounded afraid when he quickly saw them in their dream, in MAG120.) Interestingly, it looks like Oliver could see Jon’s dreams, or at least knew their content, inside of his own dreams?

(MAG121) OLIVER: […] And I do kind of know you? Haven’t had much choice, really. Dreams are like that, y’know: no matter how lucid you think they are, there is always that part that just drags you along. Guess I don’t need to tell you that, at least… not right now. […] I s’pose there’s only so long you can dream about someone and not at least try to find them. […] I don't talk to many people these days. Putting my thoughts outside myself, it's gets a bit… hm… clumsy. […] ‘wish there was a better way, but… Touching someone’s mind, it’s not… as simple as that, is it? Doesn’t always make things clearer, y’know? Still. I gave the old woman a statement, so, maybe I owe you one as well. That’s how it works, right? Give you a terror. Give you a dream. ‘t’s not like I don’t have ‘em to spare. Mm. Let me tell you about how I tried to escape.

It’s… curious, given that he used to dream of people themselves (how do the tendrils interact with Jon’s… state?); but it looks like in Jon’s case, he could access Jon’s dreams, since he knew what Jon has been experiencing. Is he currently able to communicate with people through dreams? (Either something he developed since his 2015 statement, either yet something else he didn't bother to mention at the time?) (I do wonder how Jon’s choice manifested in his dream, too! Was it to face the Eye, since Elias had narrated that Jon… was basically trying to escape its gaze/pretending that it wasn’t there by focusing on other people, though he couldn’t not watch them anyway? I had been wondering if his clue for leaving would have to do with the “DIG” ad, since it came from Martin’s statement, static included; or from Helen’s door, since… “He does not know what is behind it anymore, and he is deathly afraid of finding out. The Archivist turns away.” (MAG120) sounded like Jon fleeing, and also the least Beholding-like thing he did in the cycle of dreams.)

- I’m laughing SO HARD about how Oliver had quite clearly been sent by The Web:

(MAG121) OLIVER: [SIGH] I wish I could tell you why I came here. I wish I knew why I came here. I s’pose there’s only so long you can dream about someone and not at least try to find them. […] Then again, maybe I’ve just wasted my breath. But I don’t think so. Honestly, hum, I'm still not exactly sure why I’m here. But… you know better than anyone how the spiders can get into your head. Easier to just do what she asked!

(The fact that he tried to rationalize actions that he had not chosen is quite reminiscent of the effects Trevor had described in MAG056: “The weirdest sensation began to flow through me; I wanted to leave. […] This was just a sudden awareness of my own desire. I’d been sober for three years at that point, but I felt like I desperately wanted to get high, and I knew that the best place to get some was out in the night. Looking back, I think it might have been my own mind rationalizing the way I felt my will being tugged out of the room, but it was still very powerful.”) … and that’s the thing that made Jon tip over. He had been holding on for six months, prisoner in his dreams and under the big eyeball’s stare, and the thing that apparently made him ~choose~… was the message that The Web sent him. That’s so rude towards Beholding, Jon =D

- Also it’s the *screams* confirmation that… Jon probably never really escaped Mr. Spider back when he was a kid. At the very least, the spiders have plans for him, and it’s apparently in their interest to have Jon functioning, whether it stems from a Web-Beholding alliance or from the Web having its own plan and trying to hijack the chessboard. As far as the tense relationship between The Web and free will is concerned, I remembered something Elias had said a while back:

(MAG092) ELIAS: […] And your will is still your own, mostly.

………… that “mostly”………..…………… Elias, what do you know about this…….. (I’m still unable to pinpoint, for a lot of things regarding Elias, if the answer is “he knows a lot” or “he barely knows anything and only manages to stay in control because he’s a very pretty/lucky complete buffoon”.) (In the same exchange, there was that moment of “Feels like all I’ve managed to do is… not die.” “And believe me, that is a remarkably rare skill.” and that also does take another dimension now fedhbjnefd.)

- Relatedly: if Jon indeed gave himself up to Beholding… well… Gods. Gooooooods. I am not ready for elated!Elias since uwu!! Jon chose this path himself!! uwu. We already had a glimpse of it in MAG102 (“No, Jon, this is good! It’s a promising development!”) but I think nobody is ready for Elias being elated over something Jon-related again. (… Except for Ben, probably.) Will Elias make arrangements to send a Congratulations postcard and/or flowers to Jon from his cell. Will Jon still be Jon enough to dump them in the trash.

- Important logistic question: did Jon receive his salary during his coma, and what happened to his shiny new flat? According to Georgie, he hadn’t been paid during his, erm, escapade from the police&the Institute at the beginning of season 3 (for a bit more than two months) (though it could have been Jon avoiding to use his bank account altogether in order to not get tracked down):

(MAG099) ARCHIVIST: Look, G– Georgie, I need to move out. GEORGIE: Umm… yeah. I thought you were looking for a place. Y’know, now, now you’ve got a salary again.

(Elias, you could have at least compensated him for the weeks he spent on the run since he worked even more than usual if his sleep schedule is any indication, you’re a terrible boss in more than one aspect.) So, yeah. Does Jon still have his new flat, or will he have to find a new one again (or go back to Georgie’s, or… keep definitive residence in the Archives).

- Same question as I’d asked myself during the trailer: is the clock in Jon’s hospital room specifically the clock from Elias’s office, and did Elias arrange for this? Since we first heard it, I’ve been wondering if it had… something behind it (aside from informing the listeners that scenes were taking place in Elias’s office). Bones, or something else entirely. It’s super ominous on its own, the regular sound being half a constant reminder that things are advancing their natural course, and half a feeling of mechanicalness and of things being trapped in an cyclical system! But I do wonder if that clock had a function in-universe, too, since… it’s very noticeable. At the very least, Oliver’s words resonated strongly with it

(MAG121) OLIVER: Time is like that, isn’t it? Just keeps going. No matter what happens, it just carries on. And it strips everything away from you in the end; the good, and the bad alike, until there is nothing left of either. “This too shall pass”, “All good things come to an end”. “Memento mori”.

and it was a beautiful (and terrible) atmosphere.

- It’s possible that Georgie and Martin have met off-screen!!

(MAG121) OLIVER: Uh… uh, I’m a friend. Of Jon’s. GEORGIE: Are you now. OLIVER: Y– y– yes. GEORGIE: Right. Just… haven’t you seen visiting before.

Well, that depends if Martin has been visiting often but… Georgie sure is keeping a close watch on Jon. I wonder if Jon will still be in a state to feel guilty about it, since… ~before~ the coma, he didn’t want for her to get involved further and in the end, she did.

- I love that she’s also picky about the friends Jon should be surrounding himself with, but she quite clearly understood that Oliver was bad news (“Sorry about that. But you really don’t need friends like th–”). What was the reason she chased Oliver at the end? Because the tape recorder was running and it usually didn’t react when she was there? Because there was something weird already with Jon’s body? Or did Oliver leave something in the room for Jon, a gift from The Web? (… or could it be specifically the zippo again, returning to Jon? We don’t know if Martin had used it in MAG118, but it could have been, since it could burn statements…)

- I’ll forever be laughing at the fact that Jonathan fucking Sims dated someone who would later be a supernatural podcaster who says “spooktacular”, but at the same time, I Would Die For Georgie Barker:

(MAG121) OLIVER: I’m Antonio. GEORGIE: Sure. OLIVER: Do you mind, uh… giving us a minute? GEORGIE: No, I think you’re done here. OLIVER: Oh. Uh, right. H… have I upset you, miss? GEORGIE: No, you just remind me of someone. OLIVER: Ah, I’m sorry. Were they– GEORGIE: Evil. Yes. OLIVER: … Oookay then. I, I just, guess I should just go. GEORGIE: I guess you should.

This was the first time we've heard Georgie interact with someone else than Jon, and… Georgie!!! GEORGIE!!!!!!! I’m guessing that “someone” was referring to the events in the dissection class, since that was an agent of The End too… and now I’m worried for her, since woops, they’re related to the same shade of fear, and the idea that Georgie is getting involved in that, or at least with people deeper in it than she is… is worrisome.)

- Well. I’m assuming that Oliver chose to serve The End, it sounds pretty clear to me? He wouldn’t be punning that much about it if it wasn’t the case (do you get more powerful when you pun about your patron all the time. *eyes Elias*). I’m not sure about the rest of his situation, though, since… I saw a few other people mention it, and same, Point Nemo sounded like a Lonely and Vast territory – different powers fighting to get the upper hand influence-wise, like at Hill Top Road? The shades bleeding into each other in the spectrum of colours-that-hate-me? I had wondered, with MAG011 alone, whether “Antonio” was actually under The End’s or Beholding’s influence – the latter because… there were, and there still is in MAG121, a lot of references about him witnessing without being able to help and slowly coming to terms with that fact, his being mostly a passive observer overall, unable to do anything about it, and the idea that, when given a choice, he wanted to see, even when it wouldn’t do him any good:

(MAG011, “Antonio Blake”) Eventually my wandered drifting led me back to the Barclays building. Something inside me wanted to go inside, to see what it was like in this rhythmic, fleshy dreamscape. […] I was aware that I had two choices: to follow the light to wherever it might lead or to turn and retreat into the waking world. I decided to follow the path of that scarlet glow […].

(MAG121) OLIVER: I don’t know why I did it. I knew it was a stupid thing to do, walking past my own home in a dream, but I just… Maybe I wanted it this way.

By contrast, his ascension made him take an active part, with him purposely leading people to their deaths… So I don’t know if this was The End all along, or Oliver switching from another power to The End, à la Mike Crew? Also, we don’t know if he’s gay or bi/pan (he’s a mlm at the very least, since he mentioned his ex-boyfriend Graham) but: it would add another dimension to the fact that he referred to The End as a He while The Web (or its avatar) gets a She =D (My Patron Is More Appealing To Me.)

- ……………….. okay, so this statement seems to confirm that Avatars tend to have a death experience or something close to it in order to… become. It’s unclear if Jane Prentiss had clinically died when she was treated, but as for others:

(MAG089) JUDE PERRY: […] It became clear that, where once I had destroyed to fuel my life, I now lived for the pain that I caused. […] I doused myself in kerosene and set it alight. […] As the heat warped my bones and bubbled my flesh, all I heard was the loving exaltation of my god.

(MAG089) MIKE CREW: […] In the end I threw myself into the arms of that vast emptiness, and I bound my tormentor to the book.

(MAG109) ARCHIVIST: Last I heard, you were dying of lung cancer. TREVOR: I was. ARCHIVIST: And now? TREVOR: I’m not. [CHUCKLES]

(MAG121) OLIVER: […] I could feel all their eyes lock to me, panicked, hoping for some sort of explanation. I almost tried to give them one, but I barely got the first word out before the falling satellite debris hit the ship at two hundred miles an hour, killing us instantly.

Mike jumped from a tower pursued by a Lichtenberg figure; Jude immolated herself; Trevor was dying from lung cancer (and Martin thought that people had mentioned he had died after the first part of his statement); Oliver explicitly states that he died (and yet is still present in some way, and corporeal enough to need to open and close the door). That. Sounds. Really. Really. Bad. For. Jon. Given that, for all of them, it was presented as a turning point – the thing that made them tip over into another sort of existence. Interestingly, Jon got… many of his powers before this stage (compulsion, the ability to Know things he had never learned as highlighted by Elias in MAG102 and later Tim in MAG114, the languages-thing, the ability to… See?, unravelling one’s story, as he did in MAG119, and the nightmares-sharing as we learned in MAG120), but Trevor had the ability to feel the vampires his entire life, and Jude set someone on fire before completing her transformation.

I’M DEVASTATED BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT JON WAS AFRAID OF, ESPECIALLY AFTER TALKING WITH OTHER AVATARS, GDI!!! The prospect of becoming a monster and of losing himself like the others… shook him quite badly at the time.

(MAG092) ARCHIVIST: So it’s… it’s back to breadcrumbs, and statements, and risking my life talking to things that barely remember how to be human anymore? [...] Am I… Elias, am I still human? ELIAS: Jon, what does human even mean? I mean, really? You still bleed, you can still die. And your will is still your own, mostly. That’s more than can be said for a lot of the “real’ humans out there. … You’re worried about ending up like that thing, lurking in the dirt under the streets of Alexandria? Don’t be. Just do what you need to, and you’ll be fine. Understood?

(MAG093) ARCHIVIST: You’ve seen monsters? GEORGIE: Not the time, Jon. ARCHIVIST: Right, it’s… it’s just I think I’m turning into one. GEORGIE: Really? That’s… not great. […] ARCHIVIST: But [Avatars] end up getting these abilities, and they lose a lot of their self. Sometimes all of it. GEORGIE: And you think… that’s what’s happening to you? ARCHIVIST: Yes. Yes. The Institute serves one of these beings. A–At least, Elias, who runs the place, does. Since accepting the Archivist job, I–I’ve been… different.

(MAG114) TIM: So, why don’t you “Archivist” me, then? Just pull it straight out. ARCHIVIST: Because I don’t want to! I am not your enemy, Tim. TIM: [DISMISSIVELY] Like that matters! These things aren’t human. It’s… instinct. You can’t not. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] I’m still me, Tim. [TIM HUFFS] I’m still… me.

(MAG115) HELEN: We’re both changing, Archivist. I had hoped, that together– ARCHIVIST: [FURIOUS] Get out. HELEN: Archivist… ARCHIVIST: Get. Out.

… And at the same time, Oliver’s statement just highlighted how… far Jon was from the state the other Avatars were in just before they turned into their current beings? Jude Perry was depressed, isolated, straying away from her girlfriend (projecting Agnes on her instead) and decided to start killing pretty easily. Mike Crew had lost his parents and was apparently quite solitary, and discovered along the way that he didn’t mind killing (MAG089: “My experiments weren’t entirely pointless, though, they did have a truth to me. I learned that I was more than capable of killing, if it brought me closer to what I needed.”) Oliver didn’t sound like he had anyone who could have mattered to him (we knew he’d lost his father in MAG011, but he didn’t mention any other family member or friend in MAG121) and… decided, at the end, to kill everyone on board. Their transformations were all preceded by them losing touch with their previous surroundings, to replace it by their dedication to their god? (Iirc, one of the Q&A had even explicitly referred to the relationship between the Hive and Jane Prentiss as a clear case of toxic/abusive love.)

But Jon… Jon had precisely being going in the opposite direction in season 3: where it wouldn’t only be about him, but about the others, and about trusting them, even artificially. That was the decision he had made.

(MAG0117) ARCHIVIST: […] Still, it does sometimes make it hard to… fully trust them, I–  … [SIGHS] You– you know what, no. I’m… I’m done with that. No more paranoia. It’s almost got me killed more than once, and… Georgie was right. If I am… slipping, then I need people I can trust. And I… I don’t think that can happen naturally for me an–anymore, so… I’m making a decision. I trust them. All of them. E– except Elias, obviously, that’s not– I mean… I’ve listened to the tapes. I’ve listened to the tape, I– I know what they talk about behind my back, how much they’ve… suffered… because of… this place… because of me. God. Poor Melanie. […] I do worry about Martin and Melanie, leaving them behind, but… I– I suppose that’s- part of trusting someone, isn’t it? Letting them help how they can.

(MAG0118) TIM: You thought you brought me in as a distraction, right? ARCHIVIST: What?! TIM: Let me do it! Go in, maybe you can get some of them– ARCHIVIST: Tim, contrary to what you think, I did not bring you here to indulge your death wish! […] I knew none of us might be coming back, and I’m not gonna let anyone get killed for nothing! […] I am not losing you as well!!

I’m a big sap when it comes to the Power Of Friendship (feed it to meee!!), and I’m also aware that it might nnnnot go down super-well in a horror podcast where Bad Things Happen, but part of me still… hopes, very deeply, that it mattered in Jon’s apparent decision to not die-die (which meant, if we judge by others’ stories, to give himself up, be it to Beholding or to another one).   … Two counter-arguments, though: Jon spent six months in his loop of nightmares, which… could have been enough to break him quite a bit, and to reduce him to a state in which his decisions at the end of season 3 don’t matter much to him (or what’s left of him) anymore. There is also the feeling that Avatars tend to… look down? on their past selves and feelings, as if they now knew some deeper truth that invalidates their past thinking, and a bit like they're… rewriting their own story in order to conclude that what they became was the logical achievement of who they were?

(MAG032, Jane Prentiss) Perhaps I’ve always heard it. Perhaps the itch has always been the real me, and it was the happy, smiling Jane who called herself a witch and drank wine in the park when it was sunny. Maybe it was her who was the maddened illusion that hides the sick squirming reality of what I am. Of what we all are, when you strip away the pretense that there is more to a person than a warm, wet habitat for the billion crawling things that need a home. That love us in their way.

(MAG089) JUDE PERRY: I know now they were simply guiding me upon the path to my true epiphany. All this time I was serving my god, but only for my own glory. But with each new gift, each renewal of the fire, I saw how lifeless and hollow it was, how grey and ashen my existence had become. It became clear that, where once I had destroyed to fuel my life, I now lived for the pain that I caused. And for Agnes. My sweet, hopeless Agnes. And so I ended it.

(MAG091) MIKE CREW: I know it was the first storm, the first real storm, I had seen for almost ten years, but nothing else remains in my mind. There are echoes of resignation, I think, almost desperation. That can’t be right, though. What reason would I have had not to jump? Not to become as I am now. Perhaps I just didn’t know the true joy of vertigo. It doesn’t matter.

(MAG121) OLIVER: […] That was it with the old woman too. That was different, though. Way I figure it? She stuck her nose in just about everywhere it wasn’t wanted and stirred up hornets. ‘Till all the precautions in the world couldn’t stop Death from finally catching her. If I’d’ve known more back then, I’m… not sure I would’ve bothered trying to warn her. Still… you live and learn, don’t you? […] And the worst part is that somewhere, in me, I… I liked it. Underneath all that awful fear, it felt like… home.

(Oliver had also mentioned that the tendrils had felt “almost affectionate” at first. We… really got to witness his degradation: he had initially tried to stop what was supposed to happen (with his father), he switched to warning (Jennifer from MAG042, Gertrude in MAG011), and then, was just witnessing (the “Thomas” whose identity he stole in MAG121) until… he brought around ten people to the spot where they were supposed to die, actively ensuring that they would all meet their planned ends. On the one hand, he became his current self in just two years since his first statement; on the other end, he had already concealed a lot of things in that statement from two years ago and was already deeper in that he had claimed, but overall, that… doesn’t bode well for Jon’s evolution, yeah.)

Of course, it’s only natural to come up with different conclusions at the time you’re experiencing something and in hindsight (knowing where they led to in the end, the mistakes you were making, the consequences your actions would bear), but it. still. sounds A LOT like a kind of brainwashing…? And we don’t know yet what Jon’s state of mind was when he “chose” in MAG121, though we do know that he was, personality-wise, The Best/Worst Possible Person to get into Beholding stuff, yeah, because he… had had the craving for novelty since he was a kid and the tendency to pursue knowledge at all costs (MAG093, Georgie: “That does at least explain why he picked you. […] If your job is asking questions, I mean. You were always the one who pushed too far, and asked smart-arse, awkward questions. I always was surprised you never got punched.”) Except for Mike, who switched, the Fears tend to choose people who will fit in with them and… that’s… bad…

- So overall: no idea if we’ll perceive drastic changes in Jon right away, or if it will be a slow slippery slope. I’m… worried for the hospital staff, though; Jon seems to have understood the correlations between live-statements and his dreams by the end of season 3 (MAG113: “I’m not too concerned, to be honest, my dreams are, uh… well, let’s just say I don’t think they’re going be letting anyone else in any time soon.”); we know from Basira and Daisy that it’s not only Jon, that it also affects the statement-givers unless they’re Archival Assistants and/or directly working for the Institute (MAG112: “Are you sleeping?” “Yeah. … Do you still have the dreams?” “Um, no, not really. Not since we joined up here, I don’t think. You?” “Yeah.”) and… there is a clear line between being harmful without knowing, and being harmful despite knowing (but not caring and/or prioritizing one’s own gain). So I’m afraid that Jon might extort a statement or two as soon as he wakes up, if he’s hungering for them and/or wants to get better, after having been deprived of them for so long.

I mean, I’m totally expecting Jon to go bad – and I’m not quite ready for it right now, but then, it’s not like I can’t expect my feelings to get repeatedly crushed by a lead pipe in this series, I know what I signed for, I’m in for the ride, I’ll Take It Anyway >:3 But I’m a bit more concerned about the idea of following Jon as he knowingly hurts people and doesn't care… without anyone there to remind us that hey! This is bad, actually?, and without… anything about the people Jon is making suffer. It’s not only about Jon: it’s about them, becoming victims through their live-statements, apparently being haunted by them in their dreams through Jon? (The series has been great, though, at making us feel like all these Characters Of The Day are people, with their own lives and stories, so I trust that there will be… something about the fact that this is happening to them! Also, I don’t know if Georgie has been suspecting something regarding the dreams, but if characters managed to piece things together, then, I doubt that Georgie would allow Jon to run wild? Mmmartin might, maybe a bit, but not Georgie. She might not outright kill him if she sees he’s gone bad, but she would scream at him until he puts effort into fighting it as best he can.)

- Also overall: a… lot of things will depend on Jon’s state of mind, and what he's understood from Oliver’s story. I have trouble finding a “lesson” in it, honestly? What are we supposed to take away from his experience?

(MAG121) OLIVER: At that moment, a sudden calm came over me. I understood it all. I could follow the lines of the huge veins that encased the ship down into the water, leading off to a point almost a mile from the South-East. There. That was it. That was our fate. Where we would always be. Because I was going to take us there. Running was pointless. To try and to escape from my task would only serve to fulfil another. I finally understood what I needed to do. […] I don’t know where I got the gun, but once Captain Macabee was dead, the others were very keen to sail wherever I wanted.

That you can’t escape these things? That the longer you try to run, the more innocent people will get harmed because of you? That the only way for Jon to leave the dreams would be to give in (and give himself over), confirming that there is no other solution? (Oliver told Jon that he had ~to make a choice~ but… technically, Jon can’t die in this state. How could have he chosen that option? Was he waiting for someone to mercy-kill him…?) What were Jon’s options exactly, and what did he choose? We didn’t hear about the notebook that he had found in Gertrude’s hangar in MAG113 (“Names, locations, dates. I’ll, I’ll check properly later. Doesn’t look like it’s to do with the Unknowing, I don’t think.”) and it sounded valuable enough for Jon to plan to take a deeper look at it … so as usual, Jon Is Probably Ahead Of Us, and what he does and chooses to do with it will get explained later. Notes on preventing The Watcher’s Crown? On the “new emergence” mentioned by Adelard? (But if Jon indeed gave himself to The Beholding… is it possible to do it if he’s still planning on wrecking its ceremony? That’s not really giving yourself up if you don’t want it or are planning to work against it?) (So as usual: what happened, aaaaarrrrrg)

- So far, we had been hearing all the statements recorded by the Archival staff, so… has that changed, and we didn’t hear the ones being recorded by Melanie-Basira-Martin while Jon was in his coma? Or did they stop recording them? Or did the tape recorders refuse to work because Jon was away? … Or will Jon listen to them to catch up on the time he missed, and we will discover them with him – and how things apparently got progressively worse for the assistants?

- … I had been wondering about Jon’s use of the tape recorder. He used it for statements starting season 1 and, starting with the climax and all through season 2, as a way to convey his discoveries to a hypothetical successor in case something bad happened to him. In season 3, the tape recorder started to apparently turn itself on, pretty often to record quite mundane conversations, whether Jon was there or not, and in a few cases there is some ambiguity over whether or not he had actually been turning it on when he had it on him (with or without realizing it), but… there were also moments in which it was explicit that Jon wanted conversations and talks to be on tape. It culminated with the testaments in MAG117:

(MAG098) MARTIN: […] Have you seen [Jon] since…? TIM: [GRUNTS] Kind of. We tried to talk, but he, he reached for that– Ah, he, he wanted to turn on his recorder. I freaked out a bit, and I said some stuff: if he wanted to talk, no tapes, I just, I just hate that thing.

(MAG102) [CLICK] ARCHIVIST: You’re sure you don’t mind? MARTIN: No, no, no, it’s fine, I’ve… I’ve kind of stopped noticing if I’m honest. They just sort of… turn themselves on these days.

(MAG115) ARCHIVIST: […] There is nothing you want to say to me. TIM: Nothing with that thing here, no. ARCHIVIST: [SOFTLY] Interesting. […] TIM: Why are you so set on having it running? ARCHIVIST: I… Look, if you want my honest opinion– TIM: I don’t.

(MAG117) ARCHIVIST: I, I wanted to get some thoughts down before, er…everything. We all should, actually, I… I’ll maybe mention it to them.

……………. I’m wondering if… this wasn’t actually... all about Jon fearing that yes, he would (have to) turn into an avatar for real at some point, and it would probably fuck with his mind a bit (highlighting parts of him that were already there, but also rewiring him to serve his god’s objectives rather than what felt right to him) – and so, using the recordings in an attempt to… keep traces of who Jonathan Sims used to be, what his actual trains of thoughts were, the actual choices he made. Jon was very conscious that something else would come afterwards: Gerry had told him about The Watcher’s Crown, and Jon… sounded like he had picked up that stopping The Unknowing wasn’t an end in itself but also a way for Elias to get him closer to something:

(MAG117) ARCHIVIST: […] Elias seems pretty insistent I go along. Part of me thinks it’s just so that we can see if whatever this… preparation he’s been trying to do on me works. And you know what? That same… petty little part of me… rather hopes it doesn’t; that all this time, all his… cryptic nudges and “learn to fly by falling” attitude ends up being a complete waste of time. Just to show him.

I do hope that his “I’m making a decision. I trust them. All of them.” will matter in the long run, but I’m also crying in advance that it won’t and that will be the tragedy ;___; (I’m also not ready to say goodbye to Jonathan “I’d rather doom the world rather than prove something I despise right” Sims, please keep some of that stuff in you, Jon.) 

- worriedaboutmartin.jpg since… we still have no idea what happened/what’s happening… and he’s the only one left of the original assistants. Sasha got killed. Tim sacrificed himself to get his revenge, and his words from the season 2 finale are resonating more strongly than ever right now:

(MAG080) MARTIN: Sorry? Sorry, what? How can you not care!? TIM: Because this is us now. Worms. Monsters. Corridors. They’ll keep happening until one of them kills us and we’ve just got to deal with it.

I’m… really hoping that we will get some mourning around Tim – maybe not right now, but at some point, like it happened with Sasha. Sasha had been an open wound since Jon learned about her death, despite the fact that they didn’t remember her; Martin and Tim had expressed their feelings in covered-up, indirect or delayed ways, but there were still… bits that hinted that it was gnawing at them a lot more than they were saying:

(MAG082) MARTIN: Maybe they said something about Sasha, y’know? TIM: She’s dead, Martin. Come on! Even you’re not that blind. He got her too. MARTIN: Don’t you say that. Don’t you dare say that!

(MAG086) TIM: The first Sasha. What… What was she like? […] … Who am I even sad for…? MELANIE: I… I’m, I’m sorry… I don’t, er… TIM: Um… I’m, I’m going to lie down…

(MAG114) TIM: You know how long that thing pretended to be Sasha? ARCHIVIST: Oh god… TIM: And I had no idea? I knew Sasha for years, we… I don’t know Martin as well as I knew her.

(MAG117) MARTIN: Hey, hey, I mean what’s normal, right? Is living in an old document storage normal? Is losing a friend and not even noticing normal?

(MAG118) MARTIN: [DRY LAUGHTER] Dignity? Alright, yeah; like the dignity of being trapped in your flat by worms, or sleeping in the Archives, clutching a corkscrew! Or– or fetching drinks for the thing that murdered your friend without you even noticing…! Laughing at all their little jokes, then being left to wander impossible corridors for weeks!

… and just the mention of Sasha was enough to make Jon snap in two different season finales:

(MAG079) NOT!SASHA: […] And it will hurt. Oh, yes, it will hurt. It hurt Sasha. ARCHIVIST: Shut up! NOT!SASHA: [CLOSE AND DISTORTED] There you are.

(MAG0119) ARCHIVIST: Who are you?! NIKOLA: Who am I? Tim, of course! Who else would I be! ARCHIVIST: You’re not– you’re not… Tim. NIKOLA: Oh, you caught me~ I’m… Sasha! ARCHIVIST: Shut up! NIKOLA: No~! Really, it’s me! Sasha– whatever her name was! Back from the dead, just like you wanted~! ARCHIVIST: Get away from me, or, or I swear I’ll… I’ll…

It’s been a series where characters tend to take even more shape after their death, or at least… where the characters who died (or their secrets) tend to still have an influence, or to be present in other characters’ minds. Tim probably got the best ending he could have wished for in the circumstances and in the overall universe, but it was also a stupid death, intertwined with his desire to not come back and his conviction that the others had only taken him along as a distraction for the Stranger’s minions (which… didn’t sound like it was the case at all, at least in Jon’s mind: he had to accept Tim’s desire to come along in order to regain some of Tim’s trust). It was a sad death. It has the potential to hurt A Lot – and who will mourn for him, or at least highlight that what happened was plain unfair? Basira was wary of him and will have the Daisy issue in mind; Melanie didn’t hold Tim super-dearly in her heart, since he'd been an ass to her for the few times they spoke. Tim made a point of staying away from them, since he couldn’t trust them. There are only Martin and Jon to really remember Tim; it would feel… very cold and gritty? to just pass over his death as something that happened and to barely mention it, so I’m assuming that we’ll get something at some point.

The only glimmer of pain about Tim’s death that we have got was when Elias sweet-stabbed Martin about it in MAG120 (“Hello, inspector. Martin. I’m… sorry to hear about Tim.” “Don’t.”), and Martin might not currently be around if he was heading off to somewhere dangerous in the trailer, and it’s been six months already for him, so… I don’t know! I hope that we’ll get some mourning. Jon waking up and realizing only then that Tim died when the others have already had the time to process the information in the last six months, could have the potential to be Absolutely Awful, but the whole series is a competition between Potentially Awful Things to happen (ie: will Jon still be able to care or to feel the Hurt, in his new state). At the very least, Sasha was an open wound until the end of season 3, so I don’t really see Tim’s death getting brushed off like that – it’s a series that make you care about things, a series in which wrong things are constantly highlighted and denounced. It doesn’t mean that the horror doesn’t happen, but it always has effects on people. (Also, hi! Jon’s feeble and fragile “Tim…?” was the last word he said before the explosion happened! Before Tim’s “I don't forgive you. But thank you for this.” which Jon most probably heard! I’m fine, it’s just rain falling indoors right on my cheeks!)

… This might also be why Martin accepted to do something dangerous, after checking that “they [would] be safe”. Because Basira had put her finger where it hurt, when she told him that he couldn’t just wait and hope (MAG110: “Look, Martin. I know you care. I know you do. But caring isn’t enough. You can’t just stand next to someone with a cup of tea and hope everything’s gonna be alright.”), and Martin had decided to act on it at the end of season 3 (MAG117: “Anyway. I guess I’m just sick of sitting on my hands, drinking tea and hoping everyone’s okay. This way I finally get to do something. It’s gonna hurt, but… I’m ready. And I want to.”), though… even his plan, in the end, had most of its victories sucked out of it (yes, Elias was sent to jail, but he still has blackmail material for the officers and had already made arrangements to get Peter to manage in the interim while he was gone; and Melanie resents Martin for robbing her of Elias’s murder, if Elias’s comment is any indication; and Tim died; and Daisy went into the coffin and is probably mostly gone; and Jon is unresponsive… and will only be able to come back by sinking deeper into his inhumanity). It could make sense, for Martin, to start trying to take more risks, since he… is the only one of the original assistants to have survived this far, and hasn’t even ever been physically hurt until now (though what Elias did will probably have long-lasting effects).

At the same time!! I’m!! Glad!! That the trailer was Martin apparently asking and begging for Jon’s help, but… not for Jon to wake up in itself. It sounded like the threat looming around was unrelated to Jon’s current state? And Martin did ask about the others’ safety before agreeing, which means… that he’s not doing everything for Jon and Jon only, or to protect Jon. The others factored in.

(It’s not something I believe to have happened, but the date worries me a bit further since hey! Peter Lukas had shown Interest in Martin (MAG120: “And don’t look so down! I know, change can be scary, but eventually it happens just the same. I think we’re going to great things, Martin. Great. Things.”) and Jon has been in that state from August to February, with Martin’s visit taking place at some point before he started breathing again. That time frame… would fit with the Tundra being in the UK area, if its route is annual:

(MAG033) ARCHIVIST: […] Sean Kelly disappeared from the port of Felixstowe in October 2010, and his body washed up on the coast of Morocco in April 2011, six months later. According to the coroner, it had only been in the water for five days.

Or maybe Martin still has six months to live from now on? I mean, Sasha and Tim both died around the end-of-July/beginning-of-August. Summer’s gonna get fun in the Archives.)

(ALSO WORRIED ABOUT MELANIE AND BASIRA, OF COURSE, since Martin’s “Basira’s keeping things taking over, and Melanie is… well, Melanie is Melanie…!” from the trailer isn’t announcing good news and it’s been six months, Melanie had been doing worse and worse in just a few weeks when we left her in season 3; and Basira… just lost… her own anchor… and Daisy seemed to have snapped for real – not dead, but We've Lost Her, since Jon can’t reach her dreams anymore. I think we might be switching to them in MAG122? Will ~see~ in a few hours /o/)

- … the only glimmer of hope for a Good Thing is that if (if.) Elias is still in prison, it will mean that he has spent six months in jail. I don’t know if it’s worth everything else but. Still. Possibly One (1) Good Thing.

[redzeverin]

Some Tarot stuff x Servamp thoughts

So I was thinking of the Tarot cards recently (I blame you @spritesoulmist) and I couldn’t help but remember some Servamp related stuff (courtesy of Neverland boi’s recent birthday cuz it was eveRYWHERE- //cough). More specifically on the C3 arc.

If we look back at the chapters we can see some Major Arcana cards as their titles: namely 

ch.41: The Magician ch.47: The Tower ch.50: The Hanged Man ch.52: The Chariot ch.59: Strength

Now we know how much symbolism and thought Tanaka-sensei puts in the whole plot now yeah? Things, words, events, and characters can be premonitions for something to come soon…

//cough… Anyways, here’s the stuff we came up with. Take note I’m not an expert on Tarot readings and meanings, so these are things I checked up on my book. Also these are just tiny speculations and meanings I thought of so don’t take ‘em seriously =v=)

Also, hear this out. Tarot card readings, depending on which kind of reading you are doing, would have two meanings to it—The upright meaning of the cards and… of course… the reversed meaning. I’m gonna put both interpretations in relation with the events happening in the manga, but the reversed interpretations may not be accurate, sooooo… yeahhhhp

The Magician

UPRIGHT:

This chapter doesn’t particularly zoom in on one character (as compared to The Hanged Man as Tsurugi and The Chariot as Junichirou; sadly it doesn’t have much for Yumikage for it) and focuses on the three magicians, or C3, as a whole. The Magician Tarot card talks about, of course, magic– illusions. It serves as the bridge between the spirits and the humans, and as C3 in Servamp’s case: the vampires and the humans. It also represents, in summary: solutions, aspiration, and capabilities– probably as a reference to C3′s organization as a whole.

REVERSED:

Magic used wrongly. Abilities used to gain a negative end for personal satisfaction or plots. This may be an indication of the plan Touma has “ever since Tsubaki escaped”. It can also mean being out of touch with reality (and being more in the world of magic?), which could also an indication of Tsurugi’s condition that made him “not hear the alarm”.

 The Tower

UPRIGHT:

Tbh, this is the reason why I’m making this post. The Tower Tarot card signifies ambitions that leads to a disastrous ending or a sudden destructive change. wqjiodnasdpansddq– If we think of Servamp… well… nwjqlebnsaodasd okay, with those two meanings in mind, let’s look at the events in the chapters. The sudden destructive change we can point out here is the fact that the rising levels of Jin in their area is making vampires more indestructible and would most likely cause that “world of nothing but night”. Aside from that, there’s also Tsurugi’s case, which was finally revealed because of the Servamps residing in the headquarters and causing the stir in his memories. Theeeen the whole subclass breakout thing too. Fast forward to ch.54 “Climbing the Tower” and we get to see Tsurugi and Mahiru climbing the tower. I sure do fcking hope it doesn’t go as how these meanings are, because there, we see Mahiru wanting to save Tsurugi and The Tower tarot card talks about the fall of an ambition that was too high or more than one can chew…. //cough. Only chapters will tell us now…

REVERSED:

Destruction can bring about regeneration. This is all about delayed destruction, whether by fear of change, or by other physical factors. In this chapter, Touma talks about some stabilizing medication because he deemed Tsurugi unwell. What this medication is, we’re not yet sure, but it is something that “delays” Tsurugi’s total uh… breakdown?... so Touma can still use him.

The Hanged Man

UPRIGHT:

The Hanged Man’s depiction is not one who was sent to be hung because of his wrongdoings- in fact, he is hanging there on his own will. There are two cases for this—surrender and sacrifice. As a personal sacrifice. (//cue 10 headcanons exploding in my mind rn), it can either be a person doing the personal sacrifice, even if it is unrewarded, or an event that requires the personal sacrifice. In the case for this chapter, first off we have Mahiru asking Tsurugi if the reason they (the humans) were able to live peacefully all this time was because C3 has been fighting for them the whole time (and note, without most humans’ knowledge). Tsurugi then mentions something about “dying for world peace” then afterwards saying “just joking”. Then he presents how he is viewed by the two opposing sides of the vampires and humans- seen as an enemy to be killed and a hero who kills to protects, respectively. He knows what he is to them, and because of that, resigns-- surrenders – himself to that fate. And for humans, that can be seen as a personal sacrifice for the better good. Buuuuut then again, this card also symbolizes surrender in the “letting go” manner in order to achieve a better end result. Also there’s this example here of suspended action— decisions that weren’t immediately made even when the situation is already dire (//cue the “alarm”; //cue Jun’s wife--- //KICKED).

It was also in this chapter that we see a panel where “The Fool” was put below Mahiru, and where Tsurugi mentioned “You can still go anywhere afterall,”. This is referencing to The Fool’s tarot card of not being in sequence with the Major Arcana cards. The Fool is a free spirit- not bound by the numbers- and has unlimited potential. The Major Arcana is often seen as The Fool’s journey through life—making him the protagonist. A.k.a. Mahiru still has a lot more to do from ch.64 onwards fckYEAH---

REVERSED:

A standstill in time and decision. In regards to Tsurugi’s character (which I have very little grasp of at the moment so dear Tsurugi peeps forgive me), it is the inability to move forward from his current situation. This is the part of him that “wasn’t able to grow up”.

The Chariot

UPRIGHT:

The Chariot Tarot card here focused more on Junichirou as a character—Meaning that this card stands for control— being the most rational one in the group AND also the attitude to take the matters into your own hands, which can be seen through his personality and actions in trying to save Tsurugi (despite Yumikage’s protests). It stands for determination and will power- despite him not being a better combatant compared to Tsurugi during their fight, he still did what he can. Discipline could also be seen in the way he uses Mjolnir…. Although… this card also signifies victory. Will Jun still have a part to play after all that happened? ;;

REVERSED:

Losing control of personal life. Junichirou’s loss for his wife and seeing his best friend apologize gravely for what happened… really took a toll on him that made him on leave for a year. This was his time of thinking things over, taking the reins on how he wants things to be from then on- and that means fighting for the ones he has now.

Strength

UPRIGHT:

I’m not sure if this is considered to be part of the Tarot cards speculation, but Strength is indeed one of the Major Arcanas. As opposed to the usual idea of brute force, the Strength card, and the symbolism portrayed here is inner strength—composure, resolve, courage, character, and reliability. Kuro’s said it well enough for us to understand the fact that he’s acknowledged Mahiru’s growth! It is also a sign of taking on things without the use of unnecessary violence- through intellect it may. Which, in this chapter’s case, is also leaning a bit to Mikuni’s ways of doing things. The elaborate plan he’s coming up is not him getting into the fray, but getting all the pieces together until he makes the final move (or so).

Oh, oh, fun fact about this too. The card of Strength is portrayed by a woman calmly holding on to the jaws of a lion. She didn’t keep them close by force- she earned the lion’s trust for her to be able to touch him, and in turn, the lion is soothed by her presence and doesn’t attack. Very befitting for the bond of the Sloth pair ne~? x3

REVERSED:

Doubt. Seriously, the reverse of the courage shown here is doubt. I don’t know what else to say besides Doubt Doubt //kicked.

//cough. So there you have it: Things that may or may not symbolize something in the future. What I’m waiting for is one or two more Tarot card reference. Tarot cards have different spreads that can connect each card with each other, leading to a conclusion. We already have five references as of now… six would make it into LT’s 6 card spread, and seven would make the Horseshoe tarot spread. Although there are other spreads, these two are kinda more popular. But anyways, I’m betting on two more of these. one for Yumikage, and one for the resolution.

Yumikage may have The Moon tarot (from his name Tsukimitsu, “Moon shine”?). This card is something akin to uncertainty, fear and vagueness. He wants to protect things his own way but “nobody ever listens to what he says” (ch.49). He longs for a proper action, even with uncertainty, to the point of frustration. But even then, the moon still guides him in the world of nighttime they have immersed themselves into. This can signify clarity and awakening too. Yumikage ganbatte!!!! 

And for the resolution, the Judgement card I guess. It’s the final outcome, welcomed or not. //prays for happy ending for everyone ;;

Ohghods that was way too long. If you made it this far with my ramblings, I congratulate you! xD. I’m gonna stick to waiting for more ideas here and there so hehehe... Only the chapters will tell~

[royalblurryfacedbastard]

Today was nice even though I was a bit anxious sometimes. I think it was mainly bc I'm on my dang period and my small crush on Z that is sorta getting bigger. I just hope it won't get out of control. So, today we had 1 class. One. That was social studies and we talked about ideologies and such and played the racing game. Then came lunch but only me and EM went p much, but we did find some of our classmates and friends there. I sat w tent guy and some of his classmates and Z at this table while waiting for the lunch ladies to tell us it was okay to get food (we got there early) and at one point tent guy just turned to me and was like "what do you wANT" like. What the fuck. Anyway, I got anxious while I was sitting w everyone else and then I just kinda left early and smoked and sat down at this table. AH showed up and sat w me and then tent guy also sat with us for a bit, he drew this tree on a hill in my sketchbook. Then I played around w my tarot cards and gave NG and AH some insight on things. And also, Z told me about his nightmare 'cause this morning I asked him if he slept well and he said no bc nightmares. Apparently he dreams about hurting people he cares about or them hurting him sometimes. Our mentor asked me to help carry some things and then I went and hung out with EM, A and Z and his classmates. Some of them, at least. I read the friendship me and Z has and it was fairly positive, then we all went out 'cause this girl was gonna smoke and I wanted to smoke too so yes. We all went to the store and the girls (Z's classmates) bought energy drinks and I got some sips from the girl who smoked. Z didn't get any sips from anyone when he asked so when A was halfway done with his energy drink I asked him if I could have it and then I just kinda stumbled over and gave it to Z. We shared it tho. I was with the first years in their biology class and it was fun honestly. I sat with Z and his friend all the way in the back and we talked about.. some pretty deep shit honestly. Like his autism and dyslexia and his meltdowns that he gets sometimes when there's too much people around. This girl in front of us listened sometimes and her reactions were fuckin' priceless, yo. Like once Z mentioned being in a relationship of sorts (he did that as an example while explaining something to me) and the girl just turned around and raised her eyebrows like "hmmm??" And then when Z said he wasn't in a relationship she seemed chocked almost. It was so funny. I helped Z and his friend with this question they had to answer as a group but I mostly talked abt random stuff with him. Everyone got a small pause so I asked Z to go outside with me and he was like "ur not gonna smoke tho" and I promised him that that cigarette would be my last for the day if he went out w me. He made me promise it'd be my last for this weekend and then we went out. We talked about music and Linkin Park and it was nice. A thing that was sorta funny tho was that I answered some questions there. Like I'm not in that course and I raised my hand and answered some stuff bc no one else would do it. Dang kids. After that class I read the tarot cards for insight on AH's mental health and Z kinda interrupted sometimes and was like "well I mean..." bc he doesn't believe in that stuff. It's kinda weird how we still get along even tho we're so different. After that we talked to AH and his friend outside a bit and then Z and I talked til I had to leave and go catch the next bus w ES. We talked about mental things and relationships and it was very interesting. He said he has some kinda dark side or another personality he doesn't show a lot of people and. I kinda wanna see it. Idk mannn, this crush is already getting out of hand. I got to hug him a lot tho so that's nice. And he allowed me to finish the last of the cigarettes in my pack and then not smoke til next week. Kinda already broke that tho since I got a cigarette from ES bc I have 1 left but. Still. I'm gonna hold that promise. I don't wanna disappoint him. After school I hung out with ID and ES and also WA and that was nice. There were a lot of conversations about relationships and love and my crush (Z) and I made the fucked up mistake of sorta confessing to him through snapchat after talking to ES about it for like an hour. So that's nice. It's 1 am right now and I'm going to sleep because I'm scared Z'll wake up and see what I've written and reply because I don't wanna see the response. It won't be good. Hopefully I'll get some studying done tomorrow though.