#(shakes legend) admit that you care abt your friends you bastard fucshia lagomorph

[randomwriteronline]

They hadn’t been arguing, per se - just kind of talking of things, as people traveling together in a group and stopping a little to rest have a tendency to do.

And then, something had made Legend say: “For what it’s worth, you’re just about what I would call a bastard.”

To which Warriors had replied: “Well, and you’re just about what I would call a bitch.”

Which in turn had caused Skull Kid to turn towards them sharply, furrowed blind eyes pointed in their direction with uncanny accuracy and mouth twisted in a frown.

“Be nice,” they ordered with the tone typical of very outraged yet calm children.

The captain laughed without malice: “Oh, don’t worry, we are being very sweet right now,” he assured them, failing spectacularly at that as the imp looked less than convinced. He chuckled some more and added: “Seriously! This may seem weird to you, but that’s how we sound when we’re being nice to each other.”

“That’s a one-sided sentiment and you know that,” the veteran replied without missing a beat before turning to the child: “Personally I couldn’t care less for him.”

The simple sarcastic statement angered Skull Kid beyond belief: they stiffened their arms and stomped their foot on the ground as they yelled: “No! Be nice!” with a faint growl in their throat.

Legend crouched next to them, leaning further towards their face.

“I’d sell him at the market for a grain of salt,” he teased them.

The kid had another burst of rage: “No!”

“If he fell into a puddle I’d dump more water right on his head.”

“No!!” Skull Kid cried out distraught as they rained weak punches all over the seasoned hero while the fiend cackled and tried to shield his face with his arm, focusing their vengeance on his bare leg as he stood up to evade the violence. They kicked him in the shin in a moment of extreme pathos, earning a loud ‘You deranged little stoat-!’ before closing all around the limb in an angry destabilizing hug.

“You’re Stinky!” they howled as Legend tried in vain to shake them off, “You’re Stinky forever until the world dies!”

Warriors wheezed to stop his incessant laughter, finally gathering enough air to speak properly again: “You have to kiss their head now!”

Legend looked at him as if he was on drugs.

“If you don’t want to be called Stinky forever you have to kiss their head!” the captain explained, still giggling.

“He has to kiss yours!” Skull Kid corrected, still wrapped fiercely aroung the leg.

With that information Warriors beamed delighted at the veteran, who immediately shot up his index finger at him and yelled: “No!”

But the captain swung open his arms with a shit-eating grin and began approaching: “Looks like there’s no other way-”

“Fuck you!” Legend screamed, jumping away from him on one leg.

“You know you want to!”

“Fuck you!”

They began circling around the other four still at camp in a clumsy game of predator and prey, Warriors yelling: “My hair even smells nice!” only to be responded to with a: “This is sexual harassment and I don’t have to take it!” under the amused gazes and giggling cheers of their companions.

Finally however, sharp little teeth sank shallow in the tender calf and with a loud swear the veteran finally toppled over to the ground, making a show of flailing and groaning dramatically in pain.

Wind perked up: “Man down! Man down!” he shouted, “Bitten by a shark!”

“I can see the light…” Legend continued melidramatically, in sharp contrast with how he was shaking his leg viciously to try and get the child off of himself.

Sky snorted: “I don’t think the light will get them off of you.”

“Yes it can,” Warriors smirked, blocking the veteran’s view with his head so that he could be right in the spot the supposed heavenly glow was, which immediately made Legend frown, “If this stubborn mule asks nicely…”

“Oh my sweet sweet knight,” Legend hissed out in the sweetest, most false voice he had as he raised his hindered leg to kick him in the chest, “Thank the Goddesses you’ve come to my aid. Save me from this rabid stoat and I’ll give your ugly head a kiss.”

The captain got ready for a fight as he slipped his hands under the child - and then pulled them away as easily as he could have picked apart a pair of cherries.

A long beat of silence wavered under the sailor’s barely contained snorts.

Then Legend glared at the scarfed hero: “You cheated, I’m not giving you anything.”

And the kid escaped the mellow grip and ensnared his leg once more, making him scream out a loud “GODDESSES DAMN IT”.

“I can try again,” the captain laughed, only barely evading a boot to the face.

“You better work for that reward,” the other hissed through his teeth.

And Warriors grabbed the imp, who immediately let go of the flesh, and stood perfectly still for what felt like an eternity.

“Are you going to do something or-?”

“I’m waiting the time it would take if they were struggling to-”

“JUST GET THEM OFF OF ME!”

Skull Kid let themself be hoisted up in the air and sat on the ground. The captain then treated a very not amused Legend to a sly smile and exaggerated wiggly eyebrows.

“Come collect your price,” Legend dryly obliged, looking disgusted at best.

“What, you aren’t even going to meet me halfway through?”

“No.”

Warriors laughed and leaned his head down, upon which he felt being pressed what he imagined was a disgruntled kiss with an overly loud 'smack!’ and a short “I hate you,” which he responded to with a little “Hate you too,” of his own, in a cutesy tone that earned him a hand pushing his face away.

Legend pushed his torso up from the ground and encountered a resistance against his left shoulder. He turned and squinted at the child staring at him blindly: “And what do you want?”

“Bell said I get a kiss too,” they replied.

Ignoring the fact that they had clearly twisted what Warriors had said before learning that he was the one to be kissed, Legend rose a brow and twisted his mouth with a hum.

“You bit my leg,” he concluded, “So you’re getting a whole load of nothing.”

He stood up - and as he turned to notice Skull Kid wrapped around his dominant arm tight he let out a frustrated: “Oh, come on!” while furiously shaking the limb to get the pest off of it.

Warriors bent over to rest his hands on his knees and wheezed his lungs away while Legend began doing all sorts of barely legal aerobics to rid himself of the imp. When he finally began wailing in frustrated despair, Twilight and Wind joined the captain in his hysteric laughter until they had tears streaming down their cheeks.

“Can’t you rub them off on a tree or something?” Sky suggested between giggles not necessarily helpfully.

The veteran gave him a horrified glare, flailing his arms wildly in outraged: “They’re ten!” he yelled back at the bird rider, “Do you want me to give a ten-year-old a concussion and several broken bones?!”

“They don’t have bones or brains…” the Chosen objected, which was confirmed by Skull Kid’s little “I don’t!”

“THAT’S NOT THE POINT!”

“Sky just said 'rub them against a tree’, not 'smack them on the ground really hard several times’!” Wind shouted at Legend, who waved the correction off hurriedly with an irritated mumbling that sounded kind of like 'tomayto, tomato, semantics’.

Time leaned his face in his hand with a large snickering smile: “Why can’t you just go and give their little head a peck,” he hollered, “Then maybe you’ll calm down.”

“Like he’s ever calm!” laughed Twilight.

The veteran shot them both deadly glares. He then turned annoyed to the life-sized wooden doll giggling as they rendered his dominant arm useless.

“You’re having fun?” he asked them quietly while putting a hand on his hip, raising them to look into the blind eyes. They snickered and nodded. He clicked his tongue loudly, making them cackle more. “You promise that if I give you a kiss on the head you let me be?” They nodded again. He let out a suffering sigh: “Alright. Get down…”

Skull Kid did not fight as Legend lowered them to the ground, even untangling their feet from his wrist. The young man took off their hat and pressed a very soft smooch on top of the bald head, causing long grey ears to flap excitedly.

“There!” he said with a certain finality as he plopped the hat back on the imp.

The kid let go of his arm, as they had promised to do, and instead wrapped his waist in a big giggling hug.

The veteran pulled once or twice at the twig-like limbs to undo their fastening around him; once his efforts were proved to be fruitless, he leaned, defeated, on a nearby tree under the very much amused gazes of his companions.

“My duty is for life and life is unending.” he muttered broodily.

The captain made a strangled noise as he bent and fell to the ground, sides and face hurting as he laughed uncontrollably.