#(retreats into the swamp cutely and explodes)

[fi2ishdobehere]

HIII IM NOT DEAD SORRY

Hello and sorry for the. incredibly long hiatous. To be honest a.... Lot of shit has happened the last few months. Tumblr refused to allow me accses to my own account, from every different electronic i can think of. I got a concussion, ALMOST got covid, had a tooth pulled (ow), i have not seen my therapist in. 10 weeks. And i am not doing the best mentally rn!! I found out my mother despises minors on social media, but my father is fine with it if not NSFW, so im only really able to go on during a few summer months. I have decided that im going to only be on this account during summer until im able to get onto this acc on other screens, and i apologize.

Also, sadly, ive sorta seperated myself from the RW fandom. I do still draw and play it, but i just. kinda had the brainrot sizzle out. ive taken time to actually connect back to old brainrots (transformers, cotl, hollow knight ect.) im sorry to those who followed me purely for my RW art, i just. detached. Again, my greatest apologies.

see you again around.... june?? july?????? (i have no idea when. just around those two months.) Bye!!!!!! have a good night/day wherever and whenever you are reading this!

[rallis-fatalis]

Friends in High Places

Rallis had hoped to make new friends once she set out on adventure. She had hoped to find kind friendly people that wouldn't see her as a monster, people she could smile and laugh and tell stories with. On her first stop during her exploring, she most certainly does find a new friend, one she's very happy to have made, but also one she could have never expected to make. Her first new friend is most certainly a special one!

"AND STAY OUT, FILTHY BEAST!"

Rallis yelped as another axe soared through the air, missing her head by a fraction of an inch. It landed in the dirt ahead of her with unnerving precision. She sprinted faster than ever through the graveyard and away from the crazy shopkeeper trying to behead her. She ran and ran, not really paying attention to where she was going. Once she felt far enough away to be safe, she leaned on her knees to catch her breath.

'This place is crazy! Everyone is so mean!'

Rallis straightened herself with a whine and looked around. There was nothing but swamp in every direction and the sound of the ocean to the south. She had no idea where she was.

'I'll take being lost over being hunted.'

And so she began to walk.

Rallis had finally been left to do whatever she pleased in life, having a 'graduation' of sorts at Varrock where she was deemed civil and experienced enough to explore the world on her own, without supervision of any kind. Reldo recommended pursuing the adventurer's life and enrolling in the Champions' Guild, and it did sound like a good idea, but one she didn't want to chase after just yet. She was finally free, no one babysitting her or breathing down her neck or telling her what to do. She wanted to explore as much as she could and enjoy her newfound freedom before coming back to join this Guild. The first place on her to-visit list was a small city called Lumbridge. She'd seen pictures of it and heard stories and it sounded like a cute, small, charming place with humble people and lots of animals. Instead it was a place full of aggressive goblins that attacked anyone who drew near, cults of people that wanted to skin her alive for no other reason than she looked different, and other such aggressive and rude townsfolk. Once a shop owner by the name of Bob decided to throw axes at her head and scream profanities at her, she thought perhaps Lumbridge wasn't the best place to explore. She hoped the rest of the world wasn't like that.

Rallis thought and walked through the Lumbridge swamp until it started to turn more grassy and dirty underfoot than swampy and mushy. She must have reached the swamp's end, she figured. It was certainly smaller and better smelling than the one in Morytania, that was for sure. As she made her way out of the muck, a hole in the ground caught her eye. It was carved with precision, not something that just happened to crumble away, and had an old rotting rope tied to a nearby rock that dangled into the darkness. The rope swayed invitingly, practically begging Rallis to crawl into the dark underground depths. A smile spread across the dragon's face as the prospect of adventure took hold of her. Without thinking of the possible dangers that could wait ahead, she swung down the hole into the dark subterranean depths.

The dragon hopped off the rope to the cold ground below. She brushed the rotting bits of woven jute off her hands and looked around. She didn't know what she was expecting but perhaps something more than plain gray rock. The place stank as well, like mildew and swamp gas. The rock formed a tunnel beside her, beckoning her to explore farther. Rallis did so eagerly, excitedly hopping into the darkness.

Rallis had never been more glad to have the ability to see in the dark. The caverns that stretched before her were completely dark. Unlike her home in Taverley Dungeon which had pools and streams of lava to light the way, this place had no such light source. It made everything before her seem all the more ominous, but also intriguing. The only way to properly investigate anything here was to get close to it, so she'd do just that!

She quietly made her way around the open area she found herself in. She sniffed the rocks that jutted from the floor and recoiled with an undignified snort at the gross mossy smell of the weird plants that grew on them. She stuck her face close to the bubbling pools of green muck and was surprised to find frog eggs growing in the waters. One parent frog even hopped on her head. She laughed and gave it a pat before placing it back into the water and leaving the nest alone. A low growl responded to her laughter, a noise that made a shiver run up Rallis' spine. It sounded like it came from all around her, from the rocks themselves, and the walls even shuddered with the sound.

'I don't like the sound of that...'

She quickly ran away from the cavern, fleeing farther into the underground.

The sound of bubbling water and croaking frogs faded away as Rallis moved on. The air grew unnervingly still and quiet, and for some reason she found herself unable to see a thing. She blinked and rubbed her eyes, but her vision did not clear. Everything around her was pure black. She hissed and rummaged through her rune pouch, hoping to find some fire runes. As she stuck her hand inside the small pouch, something crawled up her hand and arm. More followed, now also crawling up her legs. She could feel whatever the small somethings were try to bite through her scales. They couldn't, but it didn't make the feeling any more comfortable. Whatever they were they were as shadowy black as the world around her.

"Whatever you are, get off me!" Rallis snapped and shook like a dog. Some of the small things flew off, but more seemed to take their place. She could feel them crawl up her neck, reaching for her face. "I SAID GET OFF ME!" She shook the things off her hand and grabbed as many runes as she could, no longer caring which she pulled out. "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT LISTENING!" The runes glowed in her hand. Rallis smiled, thinking she grabbed fire runes after all. Her smile quickly turned to a look of regret as the runes sparked in an array of colors, illuminating the chaos runes in hand, and exploded. The force threw her against a wall and the light made the things crawling on her flee. The unending shadows fled with the sudden light, retreating into a darker part of the caves. She shook her head and tried to catch a glimpse of her attackers in the fading light of the explosion.

"Bugs?! Really?! That's all you were? Now I feel silly." Some of the bugs lay crisped and burning away from the explosion. They were pure shiny black. They must have covered every inch of the stone walls, making it appear as an endless void. Rallis hissed at them. "What you get for trying to bite a dragon!"

A loud angry grumble shook the wall behind her, the same grumble as before but much louder. It sounded like it was right beside her. She could even feel something moving next to her, making the scales on the back of her neck crawl. Rallis slowly timidly turned around, and in the dying embers of the rune explosion, she could make out a long, clawed, green hand reaching for her through a crack in the wall. Rallis screamed as it swiped down to grab her head, dragon ducking away from the wall at the last moment. The hand tried to grab her by the snout and drag her closer. Before it could latch on, Rallis snapped her mouth shut on one of its warped fingers and ripped it off. A world shattering scream shook the caverns, rocks crumbling down from the ceiling. Rallis spit the beast's gross puss-like blood out of her mouth and ran away screaming as a new hand reached for her.

The caverns shook with the angered hungry roars of whatever monster was trying to grab hold of her. Greedy hands reached for her through every crack in the rocky walls. She could feel one rip some of her feathers off as it tried to drag her away by the tail. The longer she evaded the beast, the angrier it grew, roars echoing louder and causing rocks to fall all around her. Her heart raced as the hands grew even closer, one reaching for her head. One hand snapped closed and the walls shook with anger as it missed, though not intentionally. Rallis tripped on a pile of fallen stone as the hand was moments from snapping her neck. She rolled into a river of green bubbling swamp water, choking her as it dragged her under the surface. She hauled herself out and onto the other side stream, hacking and coughing up foul tasting liquid. The walls howled angrily, honing in on the sound of her coughing and pounded on the stone searching for openings. She wasn't about to wait for them to find one. A hole in the wall with the promising light of safety glimmered up ahead. She just hoped it led to a way out.

Rallis ran through the hole and felt the floor disappear beneath her feet. She screamed as she began to slip down a sheer cliff face, an endless abyss of darkness and death opening wide beneath her. She turned and sank her claws into a small handhold as she fell, her feet scraping the stone in hopes of finding a similar purchase. Her talons sank into the stone, 14 little claws and a few inches of rocky grooves being all that kept her from falling to her death. She froze, too scared to even quiver in fear. She caught a glimpse of the endless pit beneath her and quickly turned back to face the stone in front of her.

'Someone help me, please someone help me, I can't move, what do I do?!!?'

Tears trickled down her face as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to contain her panic. Her arms were getting tired and she couldn't move. She could feel the moment she let go with even one claw she would slip and fall.

"SOMETHING, ANYTHING, HELP ME!"

The light that had beckoned her inside grew brighter. Rallis opened her eyes to find something bright and blue floating next to her, some odd kind of animated light. It seemed curious as to what this strange beast was doing clinging onto the side of the wall.

"Light spirit, can you please help me?" she pleaded.

It seemed to consider the idea, slowly bobbing up in down in thought. Rallis could feel her claws slipping. "Please!"

It shuddered and grew smaller for a moment, then stretched easily twice its size. It wrapped around Rallis and she could feel herself grow weightless. She yelped in fear as she felt herself being pulled away from the wall, claws wildly scrambling for the stone, but she quickly realized she wasn't falling but rather floating. The light gently floated upward until it crested the cliff edge and deposited her on the safety of the firm flat ground.

Rallis sighed in relief and splayed herself on the floor, as if trying to hug the entire earth itself. "Thank you, light spirit. You're a lifesaver."

It flashed brightly and floated effortlessly across the abyss. Now that Rallis wasn't dangling over certain death, she took a good look around from her spot on the floor. The light she saw wasn't sunlight as she thought, it was a whole colony of light spirits. They shimmered a beautiful blue, lighting up the immense cavern she now found herself in. They looked like stars against the night sky. She could feel herself drawn to them, edging closer to the abyss they floated over, but she quickly snapped herself back to reality. She wasn't about to repeat her death defying stunt for another look at the animated magic.

Rallis sat up and looked for a way out. She didn't want to go back the way she came, worried the wall monsters were still lying in wait for her. The flat stone created a path that descended around the edge of the pit, so she supposed she would head that way.

After a few descents and a bit more walking, Rallis came upon a fainter glow of a different kind. It was much more subdued than the light spirits that floated around the cavern, and it illuminated some kind of large creature sleeping on the walkway. Rallis tensed, wary after the wall monsters.

"Normally when I receive visitors, they provide me with a ssstory, not a show. Your act was quite entertaining."

Rallis' ears shot up in surprise. The creature spoke! She relaxed and walked over. The creature appeared to be a massive green snake, coiled up in front of the entrance of a small cave. The snake stretched her head and towered over Rallis, long tail flicking about like an antsy guard.

"What brings a creature sssuch as yourself down here?" the snake asked.

"Exploring! I'm exploring the whole world! I found a hole that led underground and I wanted to investigate. But then things attacked me and I got chased in here. My name is Rallis, by the way! What's yours?"

"Another explorer... My name is Juna, one of Guthix's chosen guardians." She straightened proudly at her title. Rallis could see the symbol of Guthix painted on the snake's head.

"You like Guthix too? I was kinda raised by druids and they all liked him a lot. I think I like him too. He definitely seems better than Saradomin or Zamorak, that's for sure! If you're guarding Guthix, does that mean he's here?"

The informal way Rallis spoke about beings of such power made Juna feel almost offended in a way. She didn't quite have a word for it. It was like her visitor spoke of the gods as if they were ordinary people.

"I do not guard my god himssself. He has bid me to guard his tears, lessst the unworthy drink from them and use their power for evil purposes."

Rallis cocked her head, confused. She could see the pale glow from earlier stemmed from rivulets of shimmering water running down the walls of the cavern behind the snake. "Why would anyone want to drink someone's tears? That's weird."

For someone who claimed to follow Guthix, Juna was bewildered at the dragon's lack of knowledge and tone of borderline disrespect. "You would do well to watch your words! His tears bestow boons unlike any you have ssseen before. Power, knowledge, even life itself, he weeps so we may benefit."

Rallis perked up in interest. "What kind of knowledge?"

"Boundlesss knowledge. Anything he knows and more. The memory of the world is an open book for him and thus he knows all."

'So I could learn about where I came from?' Rallis thought. 'I'll lick some water off a wall for that!'

"I want some!" Rallis proclaimed excitedly. "I wanna learn stuff!"

Juna thought the request over. "If you desire the power of the tears, ssscale the climb in the distance and carve a bowl to hold them." She pointed to an incline hidden in the shadows. Rallis could make out the shapes of ore deposit mounds. "But I will warn you," Juna continued. "Should he or I feel your use of the tears' power threaten the balance of the world, there will be consequencesss. You will not leave here alive."

The cold honesty of her statement sent a shiver up Rallis' spine. There was no doubting the credibility of her threat, no, her promise. Although Juna looked to be just a large tired snake, Rallis was inclined to believe she could easily make good on her deadly promise. The dragon nodded in understanding and got to work. She'd take the risk. She didn't think she was bad after all, and she was sure they'd see that too.

Moments later, Rallis returned with a well-crafted stone bowl. She even took the time to carve little woad leaves and flowers on the sides. Juna coiled her massive tail out of the way to let Rallis pass. "When I deem you have gathered enough, you must leave. I expect you to listen."

The dragon nodded and hurried inside, eager to get started. The cavern of tears shimmered with an otherworldly magic. Blue and green streams of water trickled down the rocks and sparkled like rivers of light against a night sky. They almost didn't seem like water, and she was curious to see if they felt any different. She put a claw into one of the green rivulets and a great sadness came over her, tears forcing their way out of her eyes. She pulled her hand away and and rubbed her eyes. Perhaps she would have to stay away from the green tears.

Rallis gathered a bowl full of shimmering blue tears and Juna hissed for her to get out. She carefully tiptoed out so as not to lose a single drop. The snake glanced at her expectantly. Rallis stared down at the pool of blue in her hands. The longer she looked, the less it seemed like water. She was starting to question her decision to drink a mysterious magic liquid that dripped out of a swamp cave wall. But she wasn't about to back out now. She drank her bowl in one swig and stuck out her tongue. The taste was as unpleasant as she was expecting, but she'd eaten worse.

For a moment, nothing happened. She turned to Juna. "I thought this would make me learn stuff! I don't feel any--"

Suddenly, she began to waver. Her head grew dizzy and her limbs heavy. Rallis dropped her bowl and fell backward, flat on her back. Her eyelids felt so heavy, a level of exhaustion she had never felt before. Juna was telling her something, but her hearing was too stuffed to make out anything. The darkness of the cavern ceiling melded into darkness of sleep as her eyes fell shut.

_____________________________________________________

Rallis woke to inky blackness all around her. Nothing existed wherever she looked. Standing atop the same shadowy depths that stretched around her was disorienting and she begun to panic at the realization there wasn't a way out. She ran and ran into the darkness, but she couldn't even tell if she was moving. She could have been running in place and been none the wiser.

"What has you so scared, little one?"

A gentle quiet voice broke through the darkness. Rallis spun around but no one else was there.

"I suppose you can not hear me. You are just a dream after all."

The voice sounded like a he, so she would think of the voice as such. "I'm a dream? No, this is a dream! You're a dream!"

"You can hear me?" the voice said incredulously. "That... has never happened. How can you?"

Rallis shrugged "I dunno. My name is Rallis. Who are you?"

"My name is Guthix."

Rallis stepped back in shock. "Now I know I'm dreaming! There's no way I'm talking to a god!"

"Perhaps we are both dreaming," the voice said. "I can not awaken but I'm sure you may. Though I must wonder what brings you into my dream..."

"I don't know. Juna let me drink some tears and here I am. If you're really Guthix, maybe that's why I'm here? Because they're yours?"

He hummed thoughtfully. "Juna has let many taste my power over the countless years. This is the first time it has caused someone to walk into my dreams. I wonder what makes you so special. Though perhaps I know..." Rallis sat down. "What were you hoping gain with my power?" Guthix asked.

"I wanted to learn some things, like where I came from, who my parents were, things about my past. I don't know anything and I want to."

The darkness went silent for a moment. The voice returned with an unsatisfactory grumble. "I know many things, but I'm afraid your past is not one of those things."

Rallis eyed the darkness dubiously. The voice hesitated when he said that, but questioning him now could lead to trouble.

"Are you really Guthix? Juna said you know everything!"

"Juna can stretch the truth," he sighed. "Her devotion clouds her judgement and she thinks too highly of me. She believes I can do more than I actually can."

"What can you do then?"

"Banishing gods comes to mind."

Rallis' eyes sparkled. "You mean the God Wars, right?! Ooh ooh can you tell me about it! Reldo tried to tell me but he makes everything soooo boring!"

"It's not a tale I like to remember... It is one of great destruction and sadness..."

Rallis passed the time in the darkness exchanging tales with the voice of a god. He told her a bit about himself and things he had done or went through, though he would clam up easily and hesitated on many topics. Rallis in turn told him about adventures she had gone on so far and things she liked to do and about the adventure that led her to her current predicament. Although she couldn't see him, Rallis could tell he was leaning closer whenever she got to the good part of a story. His dreams must be lonely, she thought. She made sure to make her tales as entertaining as possible. As time went on, she felt herself thinking of the voice as a friend. She laughed imagining the looks on the Kaqemeex and Sanfew's faces if she told them she not only spoke with Guthix but also became friends with him.

As they spoke, Rallis slowly felt herself grow more and more tired. Guthix felt the same. "I feel our time together will end soon," he said. "But I must say this dream was a most pleasant one, Rallis."

"Same," Rallis said sleepily. She stifled a yawn. "Will I see, err, hear you again? I'd really like to."

"Perhaps. Only the future will know. I think I would like to see you again as well."

Rallis smiled and sunk to the floor. "I'll have more stories next time! Even better ones! Good night, Guthix."

"Sweet dreams, little one..."

___________________________________________________________

Rallis woke to darkness and for a moment she thought she might still be in the dream with Guthix. But as her eyes began to focus and made out the shapes of rocks and the faint glow of the light spirits drifting by, she remembered where she was. Juna glanced at her as she woke, unworried and unphased by her sudden sleep.

"I don't believe I have ssseen the tears do that before," she said.

"It was new for me too. But it was a good new!" She bounced up excitedly. "I made a new friend! I got to talk with Guthix!"

Juna narrowed her eyes at the dragon. What kind of insulting lie did this beast think she was saying?!

As she was about to retort, Rallis fell to her hands and knees with a horrible howl. She screeched and whined as she tried to claw at her back. It felt like her wings were on fire, something burning horribly between her wings deep into her skin. The pain forced her back to the ground, panting and crying. The burning sensation slowly began to fade as a pale green glow seeped out from between the scales on her back. Juna looked over the dragon with a curious hiss. The glow formed into the symbol of Guthix, the same that marked Juna's head, and made her visibly recoil with a shocked gasp. She found herself looking at Rallis in a new light.

"You did not lie... You too are..."

Rallis scraped at the stone beneath her in pain. "What...?"

The snake bowed her head. "It would ssseem Guthix favors you. He has marked you as one of his own, truly an honor." Juna glared at the dragon jealously as she slowly staggered back into a sitting position. 'What makesss someone like you, a complete uneducated stranger worthy of his grace and power? He honors you with his voice but not I, his servant of countless years?!' She did not want to question the decisions of her god, but she could not bring herself to understand why this random explorer would earn his trust so easily.

Rallis hissed as she flexed her wings. Her back still tingled with a burning sensation. "What was that? Something about Guthix?"

Juna nodded. "Those he holds in high regard are branded with his mark. Mine rests upon my head as you can sssee. You now bear one as well, though it ssseems to be magical not physical. It will not leave a mark, but you will always feel it. It will always be there."

"So that means he likes me?"

"If that is how you wish to interpret it. A part of him will always be with you."

Rallis chirped happily. She rather liked the idea of having a nice god looking after her. "Does this mean I'm allowed to come back some time for more tears?"

Juna grunted. "I sssupose."

Rallis grinned wide. "Well, this has been quite the adventure! I didn't expect all this when I hopped down here! I guess I'll leave you alone now. I've gotta continue my journey too. Thank you and take care, Juna! I'll see you again some time and I'll have cool stories instead of a silly show!"

The snake hissed goodbye and curled back up to sleep. Rallis cheerfully but carefully made her way back through the underground caverns and passed the creatures in the walls and nests of bugs. She climbed the rotting rope and bounced away from the hole with a smile. She looked back over her shoulder as she skipped along. It felt like someone was watching her. Or perhaps they always had been and she just now noticed. She hoped it was Guthix having another dream of her. She'd be sure to make it a nice one, and she looked forward to the day she could talk to him again and tell him even more stories about her latest adventures.

[ultimavolatusrpg]

ACCEPTED // ELECTRA IRONS

21 years old, 91st Hunger Games, FC: Camila Mendes

Adaptable, Charismatic, Obsessive, Vindictive, Intelligent

tw: death, gore, sexual assault

THE ARENA

Prison. Tributes arose in the middle of the outdoor rec center. The sun is high and hot above them and the concrete beneath them cracked and aged. In one direction is the electrical fence keeping them inside, it is very much alive and hums with energy. Any tribute naive enough to tempt the fates will receive a fatal shock. To the other side lies the hulking, uninviting shape of the prison. It is not an comforting presence and the open doorways do not offer much in the way of hope but it is the only option for retreat.

Inside is a maze of darkened hallways and chambers. Cells can close without warning, trapping tributes inside and at night prison dogs mutts patrol the corridors attacking anyone not behind bars. Those tributes who escape the dogs alive are quickly taken by fever and delirium and become threats to any alliance partners before succumbing to infection. Food and water are scarce and weapons are found only in the cornucopia or in the prison infirmary located deep within the walls. Underground the sound of rattling chains, cages, and inhuman wailing can be heard. The basement is locked off until the end of the games, but the sound keeps tributes awake.

At night patrol lights sweep over the rec center making it hard to hide and easy to snipe any unwitting career relaxing at the cornucopia.

BIOGRAPHY

It was a faulty bit of wiring situated deep within a century old control panel that triggered the fire and lead to the factory explosion. Electra was in school that morning, bored by the lesson, when the ground shook and the alarm blared through district five. She was eight years old and the sound sent a chill running down her spine. Just that morning her father had walked her through the foggy streets, running her through multiplication charts. She’d barely paused long enough for him to drop a kiss to the crown of her head. “Be good Ellie bellie.”

The fire blazed for three days before it was extinguished and she squatted in the one bedroom apartment that was home the whole time. Some small bit of hope fizzled in her chest. Maybe her parents, both factory workers, had been far enough to escape. Maybe they were simply injured and that was the delay in getting home. It was hunger, and loneliness that forced her out of those four walls and out into the dusty streets. Everyone was in mourning and in the delay she slipped through the cracks and had to walk herself to the steps of the orphanage.

For the next seven years this was her residence. She had a bed and a pillow and little else to claim as her own. All of her family’s belongings were sold to pay for her upkeep and in the end all that remained was an onyx necklace she’d received from her father. She was a gifted and resourceful child that set herself to being dependant on no one. A few years later she started to pick up work repairing appliances throughout district five. She was so little that at times she was sent up into the factory wirings and asked to reroute electrical currents. She began to come back to the orphanage covered in gasoline and dust and spend her allotted five minutes with her head tilted up into the cold stream of water. Under her mattress she hoarded bits from her work that could be useful in bargaining her way into an apartment when she turned eighteen. Some nights she and the other children raided the kitchen and slept on the roof looking out in the distance at the neon glow of lights from the capitol.

At fifteen, she was reaped. She was an underfed scrapper with dirty fingers and baggy hand me down clothes, that looked several years younger than she actually was. They whisked her off to the capitol, washed her down, and rolled her out to the parade in an electrical dress. She was another one for the books and she could hear the whispers in the crowd. A mercy that there are no parents. Poor little thing. Hope she goes easy. She focused on survival skills during training and allied with her district partner, a seventeen year old boy with a stutter. During her interview she charmed her way into whatever hearts she could and promised she’d be back for another interview.

She didn’t betray her fear to anyone but her mentor and only then right before launch. She shook violently as she was placed into her arena uniform and marched down the concrete hallway to the launch pad, her hand clutched at the onyx necklace around her neck. Just keep moving.

And then the games began.

The first night her district partner was attacked by the guard dogs and she just managed to drag him into a cell. They cleaned the bite marks the best they could and hid in the dark corners of the prison. But just after sunrise the next morning he was feverish. She was napping on his watch when she woke to him strangling her. In panic she hit him over the head with a bit of broken rubble and ran for it. He pursued her, stumbling in the halls, leg dragging behind him until eventually she took refuge in the infirmary to elude him. It was there that she acquired a tiny little surgical knife that she slipped into her pocket.

The days drew on. One. Two. Four. She hid in the maze of the prison often losing her way and ducking into dark corners. Lack of food made her weak and water was scarce. She imagined often what would be the easier death: the dogs or the careers. On the fifth day only six tributes remained and the career pack split up to hunt down the remaining stragglers. She was found by the district two male tribute, passed out in a dark cell from fatigue and hunger. He was eighteen, large, and full of confidence. He dragged her out of the corner by her hair and pinned her to the wall. His words and his gaze and his roaming touch was more painful than any injury. What a little cutie you are five. Even under all that dirt. He didn’t know she had a knife when he leaned his face close to her and pressed the cool edge of his spear against her cheek. She was shivering as he sliced a shallow cut down the left side of her face, but she had the presence of mind to slip her nimble hands in her pocket and grip the surgical knife. She sliced his throat open and then just kept stabbing until he was motionless. Until her hands were coating in warm blood.

She escaped to the roof where one day later the gamemakers launched the climax. By that time only her, the district ten boy, and the district four female tribute remained. The cells in the dark recesses of the prison all opened, releasing rabid humanoid muttations. They swamped the girl from four and forced the boy up onto the roof with Electra. He was as starved and exhausted as she was and nearly insane with fear. The muttations had destroyed his left arm, he was unarmed and in that moment Electra saw her victory within reach. She was coated in blood but she was little and she cajoled her way close to the boy. “It’s going to be okay,” she told him. “It’s just another event. It will be over soon.” When she was close enough she took her knife and stabbed him once in the throat. He bled out quickly and for the first time in a week, silence fell over the arena.

She was crowned and celebrated throughout the capitol and set up with a opulent victor’s home in the nearby village. Nightmares and panic attacks threatened to swallow her in the following years. She was violently homesick and spent her nights on the roof of her victor’s home looking out toward the dam and her district. She locked away her emotions and projected herself as a confident, vibrant, and energetic young woman. Only to those she knew and loved did she allow herself to show weakness. At her best times, she went about the victor houses with a tool box swung about her waist. She worked with her hands, setting up a little shop to toil in at home, and did not dwell on the memories of blood and screaming that tormented her.

Two years after her victory she was sold off for the first time. She approached it in the only way she knew, as a transaction. And if she shivered when the word cute was thrown out, she was quick to cover it up as nothing more than a chill. Inside she knew she was a pressure cooker, as faulty as that control panel from long ago, she would explode one day.

PENNED BY: ANNA

[tryingthisfangirlthing]

Love, I’ve Missed You In A Million Different Ways (How Is It We Keep On Writing Tragedies Together?) 1/14-ish

So. My @bering-and-wells-exchange gift for @dapperdorian kind of exploded. As in this will be long, posted hopefully over the course of the next two weeks. You requested unrequited love, all the sad/loving feels. I hope this delivers, and Merry Christmas! Basically I couldn’t quite decide on one story so I set myself to writing them all. (Because Rinari is totally crazy, it seems. What else is new?) Each chapter is more or less a self-contained story, but they do more or less tie together (I hope).

1. In The Beginning

She read science fiction. It was the first week of junior year, and Myka Bering was sitting in the corner of the lunchroom, Journey to the Center of the Earth open in front of her, glasses pushed up her nose and her curls tumbling in her face. And she read, flipping the page every now and again, not at all seeming to care about who did or didn't pay attention to her. “Tracy.” Helena nudged the freshman beside her with her shoulder, tilting her head towards the corner. “Isn't that your sister?” Tracy glanced over her shoulder, quickly, a little furtively. “Yeah, that's Myka,” she murmured, hunching her shoulders, her attention focused on the others at the table — Kurt, Giselle, Megan, Zack, Taylor — as if checking to see if they'd heard. “Why don't you invite her to sit with us?” Helena wasn't above taking advantage of the social privilege her “cool new foreign student” status gave her. And she wanted to know this girl better. But Tracy shook her head. “Trust me,” she muttered, “My sister is happiest just as she is.” She didn't look particularly happy, Helena thought, as she glanced back at Myka again. But wouldn't her sister know her best?

They had sports together — “P.E.” as the Americans called it, “physical education.” As if there was anything particularly educational about getting shoved around a basketball court for forty-five minutes. (It wasn't as if Helena had anything against being skin to sweaty skin with another girl. She would just have preferred it be during something useful, like Kenpo, or in a decidedly different and much more appealing context.) Helena was competitive, by nature. Myka was not particularly good at the sport, despite her height. But then came the laps, and Myka took off, leaping ahead like a gangly gazelle, all awkward grace. She looked a little freer, in that moment, free from something one only noticed had been haunting her once it was gone. Helena's breath came hard and fast and she watched Myka run.

Myka's locker was three down from Helena's. Three down, and Helena caught a glimpse of the inside of the door. No photos, just words: Pablo Neruda, and “Do not go quietly into the cold dark night,” and “By their fruits you shall know them,” in an elegant cursive hand Helena was almost certain belonged to Myka. She looked at the inside of her own locker, sketches of imaginary planetscapes strewn in between the magnetic chessboard Caturanga had given her and several pictures of Buffy and B'Elanna Torres. When she looked back, Myka was walking away, fencing épée in hand.

“Is this seat free?” Myka started, stiffened, and then tucked her hair behind her ear, glancing sideways at Helena. She lifted one shoulder, hunching down like a turtle retreating into its shell. “Yeah, I guess.” “Aces.” Helena grinned, setting her tray down and sliding in next to her. Myka blinked, with wide, startled eyes, and shifted a little further away, to give her more room. “I'm Helena.” She picked up her fork to stab at what the cafeteria called lasagna, wrinkling her nose. “Though you can also call me H.G. Most everyone does. You're Tracy's sister, aren't you? Myka?” “Yeah,” she responded, after a moment's hesitation, and minutely inspected the contents of her lunchbox. “So you're a fan of H.G. Wells?” Helena nodded towards The Time Machine lying on the table. “My mother was a great admirer of his. Hence my initials.” “I guess you could say that,” Myka murmured. “My dad used to read me his novels, when I was younger.” “H.G.!” Giselle stopped in front of the table, with a bemused wrinkle to her nose. “Why don't you come sit with us?” “The table here is free, so far as I can tell.” Helena shrugged, gesturing to the empty space. “Kurt!” she called over to the quarterback. “Join us, why don't you?” Turning to Myka, she asked,“You don't mind, do you?” Mutely, Myka shook her head, pressing her lips together. Kurt trotted over like the hulking puppy dog he was, and sat opposite them. “Hi, uh, Myka, wasn't it?” Myka squeaked, then cleared her throat and tried again. “Yeah, yeah, that's me. Myka Bering, right here.” “Is that for English?” Megan sounded a tad horrified, as she set her tray down beside Kurt's and pointed at the book. Helena only just suppressed a sigh. “No.” Myka looked down at her food again. Tracy shot Helena an exasperated-embarrassed-helpless look as she slid in beside her. “Our father owns a bookstore,” she offered, as though one needed some sort of excuse for liking to read. Giselle finally settled in at the end of their row, combing a finger through her red curls. “I would write an essay on how annoying it is so few ‘classic’ books we're supposed to read have women in them, but I'm already swamped with Trig. I should not have taken that AP class.” Kurt made a face. “I’ve done geometry, but coach says if I don't pass algebra this year I can't stay on the team.” There was a round of appropriately sympathetic noises. “I could tutor you,” Myka said suddenly,  unexpectedly loudly. Everyone quieted and looked at her. Her cheeks colored. “I got an A in it last year. I mean, if you want. You don't have to —” “No, that's — that's real sweet of you, Myka.” Kurt was tilting his head, as if looking at her in a new light. “You wouldn't mind? I could find a way to pay you a bit, if you wanted.” “No!” She shook her head. “No, I'm happy to help.” “Well, then, thanks. You want my number? We'll have to work around football practice, but let me know whatever time works for you and I'll be there.” He was already pulling out his phone, apparently oblivious to the way Megan tossed him and Myka suspicious, sulky glances, and Giselle and Tracy held themselves stiff with discomfort. “Of course! I — I have fencing practice after school anyways, so it's not like — I wouldn't be waiting.” Myka was fumbling with her phone, too, taking the number down as he dictates it, offering hers right back. This wasn't — this wasn’t how it was supposed to go, and Helena floundered in the disappointment welling up in her throat. She'd never had any problems with school, but now she almost wished she had. Myka tucked her phone away, biting her lip on a happy little smile. “I, uh, I have to head by the library before my next class, but I'll see you around.” She zipped up her almost-untouched lunch, tucking The Time Machine to her side. “Let me know when you have time, Kurt.” Helena closed her mouth, and watched her go. “Told you so,” Tracy muttered around the straw in her milk carton.

Helena tried again, the day after. “Do you mind if I sit here?” “If you want.” Myka shifted over, not even looking up from The War Of The Worlds. Halfway to setting down her tray, Helena stopped, suddenly exasperated. “Would you prefer I not? I have no desire to force my company upon you.” At this, Myka finally looked up, looked her in the eyes. A melancholy sort of fire flickered in her gaze, sucking all the air from Helena's lungs. “Look, your crowd isn't my thing. I won't be taken advantage of, and I don't want to be some kind of social charity case. So whatever you're trying to do, you might as well just, not.” Helena rolled her eyes against the sting of those words. “Yes, because heaven forbid someone might actually want to get to know you.” Giselle was waving her over towards their usual table, so she went, bristling and disappointed.

Megan complained into the girls’ chat that Kurt had blown her off after practice, because Myka hqd been waiting. Helena could only imagine: Myka sitting on the bleachers, hunched over the book in her lap, fencing foil at her side to complete her awkward-solid-ethereal aura, the way she'd look up when the coach called for them to finish... Helena wasn't telling Megan she'd have done exactly the same.

The next day, Helena headed for the little group's usual table. She could tell where she wasn’t wanted — though she couldn't think of what she might have done to deserve Myka snubbing her like that. Yet that twinge of bitterness did nothing to dampen her curiosity. “How was your first tutoring session?” she asked Kurt, sliding into the spot next to him. “What's she like?” Kurt paused for a moment, forehead wrinkling, obviously having to think it over. “She's all right, I guess. She's really smart. It took a little while, like she had to explain things a couple of times before I got it, but then, like, we just clicked, you know? She said I could pay her in Twizzlers, you know, the red kind?” Helena assumed he wasn't actually looking for a response, and at any rate she wouldn't have trusted herself to give one. “She’s got a sense of humor, too, once she loosens up.” Slowly, Kurt smiled, in his bright-charming-handsome way Helena was beginning to fucking hate. Like it was a sudden realization, he added, “I guess she’s actually sort of hot, in a cute, dorky kind of way.” You don't bloody have to tell me that. Helena stabbed at one of her chicken nuggets, and the plastic fork snapped.

The next day, Myka had Sense and Sensibility with her at lunch. Silently, Helena cursed. She might just be in love, bloody weakness for bloody gorgeous girls with bloody adorable glasses and my bloody favorite books.

(She took Giselle to the winter formal. She was proud of herself, for only tossing three — fine, four — longing, envious glances at the way Myka rested her head on Kurt's shoulder during a slow song, rested it there with a joyously contented smile Helena wanted to fucking kiss off her lips.)

[painpro]

TFK: THE STORY SO FAR UPDATE

realized i havent done one in a while for those who care, so episodes 11-15!

Episode 11: At the End of the Tunnel

Our intrepid adventurers the KC continue their quest into the Underdark, their missing member Cezall being teleported to them by the wizards at the Kenafiss Lyceum. They all make their way running through a tunnel of very aggressive mushrooms, before taking an elevator down into the Torntunnel Estate, their main goal. After a successful sneak attack by Keen on the sleeping Fomorian Usbar, the giant awoke and the group did battle. Selxi took the brunt of most of the damage, but managed to stay up. During the battle, their tenuous allyship with the drow Rathys broke, as they wandered around swallowing strange stones, then attempting to attack Bell. The group's attention split, Rathys disappeared into the ether while Orna got the killing blow on Usbar with her eldritch blast, exploding his head. After a bit of looting, Orna and Seraphina reinvigorated the dormant teleportation circle they found in the Estate, teleporting the party back into Ironhaven. After an uncomfortable night's stay in the stone beds of the Stone's Heart, the main tavern in Ironhaven, the party exited, expecting to head back to King's Watch. On the way through the forest, Orna and Cik had a ridiculous fight over who got to keep Cik's tooth that fell out. During the bickering, Keen pocketed the tooth, which no one noticed. On her watch, Selxi got a message from her family asking her to return to her hometown of Arcomb for the Midsummer's festival, which is a big deal there. The party agreed to go, meeting Selxi's triplet brothers on the way in, Ummin Farzu and Merbis. They all joined together and began their way through the willow trees, towards the main town of Arcomb...

Episode 12: Midsummer

Our party venture into Arcomb, and meet Selxi's father, Lozvin. She returns home a hero, revered and with a statue made just for her in the honor of the dragon she killed. Although this dragon appeared to be 5 feet tall...but they moved on, having a lovely dinner with Selxi's family and then playing hide and seek and truth or dare. After a silly night, the party spent the next day before the Midsummer Festival shopping and enjoying the sights. During the festival, Seraphina got a tattoo of a bear print tattooed on their chest, Cik and Bell answered some riddles while Orna burst in and demanded riddles for the rest of the night. Keen began dancing with a cute halfling boy named Flynner, and Cezall got flowers braided into his hair and won on a frog race. However, in the middle of the festival- disaster struck. Lizardfolk attacked the town, setting fire to houses then attacking and killing many innocents. A lizardfolk shaman, a familiar one, that the KC fought before months ago and let get away was leading the attack- but was quickly struck down by Selxi. The rest continued on the fight, and were dispatched by the KC with relative ease. During the battle, Cik managed to get a bit of information out of one of them (Before gutting it): they were following orders from "The Master". After trying to help clean up Arcomb and taking a night to make sure nothing else happened, the KC found tracks that would lead them to where the Lizardfolk came from. Seraphina and Bell decided to stay behind to help with the injured, and the rest of the party began their journey into the Shallows...

Episode 13: Attack on the Lizardfolk Camp

Our heroes the KC make their way into the Green Shallows, leaving Bell and Seraphina behind to watch over Arcomb. The group finds an abandoned bullywug nest, and then an overturned ransacked merchants cart- and a human woman, face down in the mud. They found out she was a mercenary named Abel who got attacked by lizardfolk on the way over to Arcomb. After healing her up a bit, they continued on and camp upon what looked like a lizardfolk encampment. They did a bit of scouting then retreated, calling Bell over using the Sending Stone. Bell eventually found them and they camped for the night, formulating a plan. In the morning, it began. Orna sent in her tentacles, doing a lot of damage to the majority of the lizardfolk in the camp. Throughout the battle, a much larger lizardfolk burst through with a wicked trident, doing a lot of damage to their new friend Abel (who was flitting in and out of consciousness the whole fight). Their was another Shaman, who summoned a snake to fight the group, but it was quickly dispatched along with the Lizard King. After a long battle, all the lizards were finally defeated except for one. Cik and Orna did a brutal interrogation in Draconic, where they learned that their master was "Tiamat incarnate...Rannaporth." The group took a short rest in the camp then went further into the Shallows- where things got weird. Sounds were muffled, fog was all around, and then...they met Rannaporth. Who is an enormous green dragon bent on their destruction, and specifically revenge against Selxi for killing her wyrmling...

Episode 14: Dragonslayers

The KC enters a harrowing battle with the green dragon Rannaporth deep in the swamp called The Green Shallows. Its a long fight, and by far their most intense, with Selxi going down more times than she could count, Seraphina entering the fray as a hawk a bit late but still there, and Cik getting his left hand ripped off by the Dragon. In the end, however, the KC prevailed- the tiefling Keen shot an arrow straight through Rannaporth's mouth, killing her. After an emotional recovery, with Cik wondering what he is going to do without his hand, the party loots, finding several magical items, then makes their way back to Arcomb, where they are greeted by the population there and given tokens of appreciation. They each recieve a carved wooden frog, and Eraula, Lozvin, and many others they had come to know told them all they would tell the story of The KC and how they were protectors of Arcomb that slew a dragon. The KC then returned to the city that is on its way to becoming their home, King's Watch. Everyone went their seperate ways for a day, conversations were had, things were purchased, and then they all convened at the BAC office for their next job. But this time, someone besides Barnabas was there- a woman, a moon elf, apparently a priestess of Sehanine named Sister Darunia wanted their help to "cleanse the evil" out of an abandoned church just outside the city walls. Cik refused, but the rest of the group went on without him. While the rest of the party went on, Cik was in the Jagged Hunter with Abel, who he found there. Cik began working on making a replacement hand, but it was hard with just one hand. So Abel jumped in to help, and together they finished all of the fingers in about 9 hours. Meanwhile, the rest of the KC approaches a rickety, abandoned old church, wondering what will be inside.....

Episode 15: Diordan’s Maze

Our heroes the KC first make a pit stop at a supposedly haunted church- where they stop what they find out is a boggle from being a nuisance there so Sister Darunia may set up her church to Sehahnine. They leave the friendly ghost intact. Then, they recieve an odd open contract- one that will lead them to a place called Diordan's Maze, a dungeon built by a crazy old spiteful wizard that stole texts from the Sizor Academy. The group wanders through many traps, puzzles, and other fights- and then has a chance meeting with Telvin and Marsef, two other adventurers they encountered once before in Abersdale, a couple months ago. The groups make a tenuous alignment to continue forward together, facing a puzzle and then a very complex water trap together before reaching a strange hall of mirrors that messes with their heads. But, our party prevails, reaching the end, recovering the texts, as well as a couple magical items and gems for themselves (after a bit of an argument with Telvin and Marsef over how to split the loot). And now, the journey out of the maze...

[wingskribes-blog]

WING FIXES THE UNIVERSE! 1. STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI

The Last Jedi, is probably the most contentious of the nine Star Wars films released so far. Some seem to love it. Others say it’s undeserving to hold its place in the series. Both camps seem to span the cross-sectional gamut of casual and hardcore fandom. So too are there are those—maybe even a majority—who will work up what little enthusiasm they can find to tell you, “It was okay. Not great, but okay, I guess.”

Well let me be the first to say, ALL of you are right. Star Wars: The Last Jedi is as GOOD as it is BAD. And on the whole, it’s kind of just ‘inoffensively, meh’. But this is not a Kribes’ Review you’re reading. No, this is a Wing Fixes the Universe! No ratings here, Dear Reader. No, here we get into what Last Jedi should have done to be a truly fantastic film. Here we fix EVERYTHING. So let’s begin!

(Of course … there will be spoilers.)

  The PROBLEMS

1)      TONE: Star Wars has never shied from a joke (“Shut him up or shut him down!”), but the jokes, quips and gags have usually managed to hold themselves ‘in universe’. That is to say they are played to the situation, or to one character or another, not to the audience. They are not slipped in just to keep the audience laughing. And when they are, it rarely goes well. Then we get Jar Jar bumbling his way through a platoon of tanks. We get Obi wan and Anakin trapped in a force-field with saying, “How did this happen? We’re smarter than this!”

Well, perhaps The Last Jedi isn’t quite as dense as say, The Phantom Menace, with these class-clownish winks to the audience (though it’s close) but it takes them much further than the franchise has ever allowed before. We get Poe’s crank call to Hux, Luke milking that alien’s testicle-boobs, the crying-eyed porg staring up at Chewie, and so many little moments that just don’t feel like Star Wars. We will fix this.

2)      PACING: Battles are great but they slow things down. Too many and they tend to blend together; they become boring. Character arcs are vital but you must move your characters through these arcs! You can’t just linger and show them banging their heads again and again against the same wall! (As we get with Rey on the island.)

3)      STAKES: When every sequence is offered up like a climax, you stop caring by the third one. Build your tension so we care whether the heroes win or lose in the end.

  The FIX

1)      THE TONE: We’re going to have to re-script everything. I don’t mean a major overhaul here (yet), just stripping and replacing the wallpaper. No more pandering to the audience. No crank calls. No alien milking, or space-nun near misses. e.g. you can keep the porgs but they can’t just be there to be cute and silly. Give them a tiny sub-arc with Chewbacca. 1) Stepping off the Falcon he sees them immediately. They scatter at the sight of him. 2) They chirp in the night and Chewie has trouble sleeping. He covers his ears and grumbles. 3) He finds they’ve infested the Falcon and he gets legitimately angry. 4) After destroying the First Order’s air support on the crystal planet, the Falcon is forced into a crash landing (which would just be a better way for Rey to arrive) and the poison gas mentioned in Force Awakens is about to flood the ship. Chewie grabs a handful of porgs before running out then puts them down on the ground outside. Yes, it’s still corny. But corny is fine in a Star Wars. (e.g. R2 launched through the air by a swamp lizard.) But at least they have a place in the story now; they’re not just there to be cute and sell toys.

2)      THE OPENING: If you’re going to start with a big battle, make it mean something. Don’t just tell me some jokes, show a few explosions and then kill a Red Shirt I’ve never seen before but am supposed to care about for some reason. What you should do is make this sequence its own miniature movie starring Rose’s sister. Poe shouldn’t even be in it (except on the communicator telling them to ignore retreat orders). Start with the sisters saying goodbye. (This grounds the one sister’s sacrifice and gives us reason to care when she dies. Simultaneously, it helps us to care about Rose later on, and makes her sudden importance as a main character much less jarring.) Now you can give all the turns and tension of the battle to this plucky, determined bombardier. There’s plenty of story and emotion to be dug up here. Find it Don’t give us the opening battle from Revenge of the Sith. Give us the first twenty minutes of UP.

And when it’s done, let’s see Rose in the background, mourning her sister as everyone else celebrates. Only Leia sees this. Then it’s Admiral Holdo who berates Poe for disobeying orders. (Moving up her introduction to reduce how jarring her sudden importance is.)

3)      THE ISLAND (A): Rey’s time on the island needs to be WAY shorter. And less silly. When Luke comically chucks his lightsaber over his shoulder it undercuts Rey’s entire Episode VII story arc, reducing it to a three-second, not-terribly-funny sight-gag. Have him look at it instead, then look at her and walk past without touching it or saying a word. Then we get the short montage of her following him around as he does his day-to-days but he refuses to talk to her. NO MILKING. We see time pass in shots of her sitting outside his door at night, eating food she brought from the Falcon. Each time there’s less food in her pack. Until there’s none. Then Luke steps out, glares at her, and places a bowl of stew in front of her. As he turns away, she begs him to tell her why he won’t help and seems to have turned his back on the Force. He appears as if he’s going to answer but before he does, we cut away to…

4)      THE CHASE: The First Order chasing the Resistance’s ships is so boring you only really showed it in the background of other events. So obviously, it needs to change. What if they’re hiding instead. In a nebula or something. Poe wants to take a flight of X-Wings out and see if he can cut a hole in the First Order fleet for them to escape through, but Holdo says he has to stay and protect the cruiser. Instead of mutinying, he highjacks some fighters and goes out anyway. The cruiser’s attacked and he barely makes it back on time. He expects to berated by Holdo but finds out that Leia’s woken up while he was out and that’s when she slaps him.

5)      THE ISLAND (B): Rey begins communing with Kylo. We get TWO scenes of Luke showing Rey what the force is and isn’t (no more). No Dark Cave. And TWO scenes of communing. No Kylo’s version of what happened with Luke. We still get Luke’s version. Luke and Rey fight when she tells him she’s going to Kylo. She leaves him with words that are a callback to his “I must face Vader” speech in Return of the Jedi. He is left to ponder his choices.

6)      SNOKE/REY/KYLO: a) Forget Rey’s parentage! If her parents weren’t important, there’s NO REASON the characters would be talking about them. Just because it’s a mystery to the audience, doesn’t mean it is to them! At least change Kylo’s line to, “I know where your parents are.” b) Give us something about Snoke’s background. I mean, who the fuck is this guy all of a sudden, anyway? Maybe he was Sidious’ rival but lost out to becoming the previous Sith Lord’s apprentice. A single line is all it would take. 3) Cut the fight with the New Imperial Guards to no more than ten seconds. It added nothing. It wasn’t exciting. And even if they’re the best fighters in the army, I just didn’t believe they’d last that long.

7)      CASINO: There’s so much wrong here. Too much. Fixing it would require major structural changes more significant for a small article could fit. Let’s just say, the following issues need to be dealt with:

For starters, it just doesn’t fit. Allowing Fin and Rose to leave the chase and then come back to it without anyone noticing is an odd choice. If escape pods are so hard to track, why doesn’t everyone just get into them to get away? Even if I missed something and they gave a reasonable explanation for this, why would they call Maz? How does Fin even know how to reach her when he’s been unconscious since the last film? And then we get them walking around Casino World gawking and judging as if they’ve completely forgotten their friends are currently dying in large numbers. We’re shown more urgency in the escape of the horse-aliens than in the near-total destruction of the Resistance.

Plus Benicio Del Toro’s character, another important character who jarringly appears out of nowhere, not only adds nothing to the story, but is dull to watch too. And could Captain Phasma at least be fighting them to get to the last shuttle before the ship explodes? Instead of just because she’s a villain? And could we see Gwendoline Christie’s whole face, while she’s alive?!

8)      YODA: Cut this whole scene. Yoda looked terrible and didn’t act or speak like any Yoda we’ve seen before. It added nothing to plot or character that we didn’t already get, and could as easily be accomplished the Return of the Jedi callback from Rey (as suggested above).

9)      THE LAST STAND: This was actually mostly quite good. The Luke stuff was great. Just a few changes. Why are Fin and Rose flying salt-speeders? Neither of them are pilots. Find something else for them to do. And as I mentioned before, crash the Millennium Falcon. Have Rey try to take out the Battering Cannon and make it seem like she’s going to take it out. But then she gets hit by a ground turret and is forced down. It’s a much better entrance for Rey. Beyond that, the sequence is good.

10)   BOY WITH BROOM: This scene is the only reason I didn’t suggest cutting the Casino Planet altogether. Having the film end with a seed of hope is both a great throw to Episode IX, and a powerful moment in its own right. That being said, it wasn’t done particularly well. The Casino Kids were a pretty small facet of the Casino Planet arc (which is kind of fucked up if you think about it). So their impact in this scene is not as strong as it should be. When you sit down and rework the Casino arc (as prescribed above), make sure the kids are more relevant to its development.

 And THAT dear reader, is how you will fix this most mediocre addition to the Star Wars franchise. Follow my council and I promise, your work will be better. Your work will be everything it should be. Your work will be FIXED.