#(probably longer than the usual fansites on twitter)

[pharawee]

I'm desperately trying to watch/make gifs of Be My Favorite and translating/editing the script notes for the Chains of Heart special ep that Harikarn posted just now for 7 July at the same time.

It's not going so well 🤡

[quillyfied]

“Writers/creators can’t read fanfic of their own stuff.”

This is something I’ve heard as a fanfic writer for my entire 27-year internet career; until very recently, when a mutual of mine very passionately and vehemently attested to the contrary, I hadn’t thought to question it. So I did a little digging. This isn’t a comprehensive guide or breakdown, just dropping some reading and then some food for thought:

First, a comment from Mercedes Lackey about the Marion Zimmer Brown kerfuffle in the 90s and the results of that, which boils down to “legally creators can read fanfic of their own stuff but there’s always a chance of idea absorption and a fan dragging you to court over plagiarism and it’s a headache made of legal fees, and writers working for some agents have it in their contracts that they won’t read fanfic.” I’m paraphrasing but highlighting the salient points that stood out to me.

Second, the fanlore entry for the Marion Zimmer Brown 90s kerfuffle, which is a lot longer of a read and harder to boil down to bullet points but the gist I took away was “writer and fan get into it over ideas after writer engages with sanctioned fanzines and submitted fan stories and gets blown out of proportion as a fan suing a writer for idea theft when there is no evidence that the fan did any such thing.” This also led to an event in the 90s where writers started cracking down on fansites and fan creators.

The conclusion I draw from this is that the narrative surrounding the common belief that creators can’t read fanfic is the result of paranoia about the legal ramifications of transformative works and built entirely on protecting creators from opportunistic fans, which as usual is a very complicated tangle of issues that still point towards “don’t do the thing or the bad crazy fans will get you and you’ll lose money.” And the fact that there are agents who make it part of their contracts with writers that writers can’t read fanfic and thereby set a legal precedent is also enforcing this. Which seems like a load of bullhonky, frankly, but if there are creators out there who want to read fanfic of their own stuff and are afraid of it, so long as you aren’t in a contract with an agent or publishing house whose actual legal printing of the contract states you can’t, I think you’re fine to do so. The idea that some rando is going to come out of nowhere and sue a creator for plagiarism or stealing ideas is one of those things I think is POSSIBLE but not very PROBABLE. It’s non-zero but still closer to zero than anything else.

(Though having said that I do recall very recently a Twitter flare up over a person whipping up some drama saying Aimee Carrero had stolen her dnd character whom this person sold merch of and it turned out all they had in common was a pink and iridescent aesthetic and having the same name, which isn’t the most original concept ever and was dropped after like a day, so depending on popularity and accessibility of the creator there will likely be people coming out of the woodwork to pull them down, especially if they’re not a cis white man or a doormat, but that shouldn’t stop people from creating and enjoying the creativity of the people they inspire.)

[acecademia]

What fandoms have you been a part of (both currently and in the past)? How do you feel like fandoms have changed?

Hi, nonny!

I've been in more fandoms than I can count, honestly. Looking back, the ADHD is super obvious. I hyperfixate on a piece of media for a while and then suddenly lose all interest in it. So there have been a lot of those that have cycled through. There are a few that I routinely come back to, usually when I'm between my more brief hyperfixations.

The ones I tend to come back to every few years are Star Wars, Narnia, the MCU, Harry Potter, Supernatural, Dragon Age, and Merlin. And there's probably a couple others I'm forgetting.

I'm the kind of person who's been very into things my whole life. I do not enjoy things casually--I get very invested and have to learn absolutely everything about my new obsession and then infodump to everyone I know. (Do you see the ADHD yet?) The piece of media that introduced me to fandom was a French cartoon called Code Lyoko. That was my shit in elementary/middle school. One day, when I was like 10, I googled it. And the first link after the official website was for a site called lyokofreak.net, which sadly is no longer around. This is what it looked like around the time I first found it. There were links off to the side called things like "ships" and "fanfiction," and I just started clicking through all of them and stumbling further and further down the proverbial rabbit hole.

From there, I found fanfiction.net which brought me to other fandoms and fansites, and then it was just like game over. I'd found my thing.

That was around 2005, so I've been kicking around in fandom for about 16 years now. And a lot has definitely changed. I think there was a pretty big shift in fan culture around the time that Glee and Twitter were on the rise. Twitter was one of the first places where fandom stuff was not just public but on a very public platform. Glee also referenced some fan culture stuff (like shipping). Between the two of them, fandom started becoming more mainstream. We saw another shift around the time of Dashcon (Sarah Z (@dingdongyouarewrong) did a great video on that) where fan activities started to be considered more "cringey" and we went from being unironically enthusiastic about things to feeling like we needed to inject some level of irony into our fannish behaviors to avoid embarrassment.

Sites like Twitter (and other social media platforms) also broke down some barriers between fan and creator. Sometimes, this is a good thing, like when fans have an easy avenue to reach out to a small creator they love to gush about their work. And sometimes.... it's a garbage fire. I think we've all heard enough horror stories about celebrities and creators being bullied off of social media by asshole fans to know what I'm talking about here.

There are also some generational differences within fandom. As always, I'm in a weird position on the cusp of two generations. I'm young enough to be considered part of one fandom generation, but I've been in fandom longer than most of them since I found it so young. I could write a whole book on the shifts in fandom culture, but suffice to say, younger fans are much more likely to be openly vocal about things like fanfiction and shipping and whatnot even when talking to creators than older fans are. A lot of older fans still carry that fear of being literally sued over writing fanfiction (thanks, A*ne R*ce). Now, we see younger fans getting mad at AO3 and the OTW for not following the purity culture trend while older fans tend to be utterly confused by this behavior as, like, literally, that's why we have AO3??? Because of all the purging and rules and bullshit we went through on other platforms?? And it's often these same younger fans who get confused about the existence of disclaimers that older fans still habitually include in their fics as an ingrained form of self-defense. There's a general lack of understanding, and it often feels like a huge culture clash. Because these younger fans didn't experience fandom and the internet the same way that older fans did. The internet and social media changed fandom to a completely unknown degree. I'm definitely not an expert on this, since I'm still fairly young and also have only been in fandom since 2005, but one of my goals is to do a lot of in-depth interviews with "fandom elders" and really get a sense of how fandom has changed from their perspective. That'll be a book I write (or co-write) one day.

[apriorisea]

BTS Imagine Series: Safety First, Pt 6

Yoongi x You

You’d made yourself leave the house again, committing to getting your grocery shopping done even though nothing sounded remotely appealing. Halfway home, you feel your phone go off in your back pocket; you’d purposefully kept it on silent, tucked away, so you wouldn’t have to see every time the others texted/called you. So you wouldn’t have to see that he hadn’t texted or called you.     The day had passed so slowly, but you prided yourself on the fact that you hadn’t cried yet. The thought sparks a million more, and you have to take a very careful breath as it swarms you: I miss him, I miss him, I miss him.     You park, get out of the car, and gather up your groceries, all while your phone buzzes away in your pocket. A part of you is dying to look at it; the others hadn’t updated you on Yoongi’s state today, and the worry you kept trying to push down was gnawing away at your peace of mind. Stop.     As you draw close to your floor, you realize that it’s packed with people. Your natural anxiety kicks in, and all the ‘on-the-job’ training you’d gotten from a year+ of dating Yoongi makes you freeze, preparing to drop everything and run.     Before you can do anything, you hear your name and see Hoseok’s face behind the sea of scary-looking men dressed in black. “...Hobi?”    He pushes through the security team---because now that you’re not panicking, you can clearly see that’s who they are---and wraps you in a hug. “Why didn’t you answer your phone??” he demands.     You’re taken aback by his intensity. “It was in my pocket,” you say, inhaling sharply in surprise when your shopping bags are taken from you by the security team. “I haven’t...I haven’t really been looking at it.” He’s hugging you tightly. “What’s wrong?”     “Kyepichui.” You hear Namjoon before you see him, but he soon strides into view. He offers a nervous smile. “Let’s get you inside.”     You pull back from Hoseok’s hug and look at him. “What’s happened?” Your heart sinks. “Yoongi---” you inhale. “Is he--is he okay??”     Namjoon grabs your hand, tugging you carefully towards your apartment. You’re surprised to see your door already standing open, a few security members already inside. Your mind is bursting with questions, but you allow Namjoon to guide you inside; as soon as you’re settled on the couch between him and Hoseok, the security team closes the door, locks it, and then stands guard on either side.     “Guys,” you say quietly, your entire body sagging with anxiety. “What is going on?”     “Over the past 3 weeks, we have received threats.” The security team leader stands directly across from you, hands clasped in front of him rigidly. “The intensity of which increased recently.” You feel Hoseok reach out for your hand as he keeps talking: multiple posts on Instagram/Twitter/fansites, all of them threatening your safety, demonstrating knowledge of your schedule and possibly even your address. You feel your stomach clench tighter by the second, and as the team leader goes on to detail the exact wording of some of the threats, you feel your mind slipping away. Yoongi was right.     “Hey.” You feel Hoseok shake your hand a little. “You okay?”     “Everything’s going to be fine,” Namjoon says quickly. “They’re already close to resolving it, we just came by to make sure you were okay until then.”     The team leader murmurs something to his teammate, then clears his throat. “We’ve got to go,” he says, looking at Namjoon and Hoseok.     You feel a sense of relief. “Protocol?” you ask, waiting until he nods before looking back at the others. “So someone is with him?”     “Yes,” Namjoon is getting slowly to his feet. “And someone will be with you.”     At Hoseok’s silent insistence, you look over at him. “And you guys need to go.”     “I think it would be fine if I stayed,” Hoseok tries. “There would still be security here, and---” He meets Namjoon’s eyes and falters. Sighing, he leans over and kisses the side of your head and then gets to his feet. “I’m really glad you’re okay. Stay here and try not to worry too much, okay?” He waves his phone at you. “We’ll be in constant contact.”     You nod. “Is....is he still at the company?” you ask, reaching for your own phone, and starting to scroll through the missed calls and texts.     “Yes. With his own bodyguard,” the team leader says, clearly getting antsy.      You try to answer, but before you can, you see his name listed amongst your missed calls. The guilt bubbles up immediately, and you barely have enough wherewithal to smile faintly up at Namjoon, Hoseok, and the majority of the team as they leave.     The man left behind---your usual personal security member---eyes your phone. “We want to keep the lines clear for official communication.”     You look at him vaguely. “Even my personal phone?”     He gives you a kind smile. “Just for now.”     “....can I text Y---people?” You can’t forget his name listed next to the big bold letters MISSED CALL. He’d tried to call me, and I didn’t answer. He must be.....     “Yes,” the bodyguard answers. He’s standing awkwardly in your living room, waiting for something.     You pull up your message conversation with Yoongi and glance up at the other man. “Do you want something to eat? Drink?” You realize the others had put your groceries on the table. “I just got some apples, chips, and salsa, if you’re hungry.”     He smiles gratefully. “I’m okay.”     “Feel free to sit,” you add. “You can turn on the TV, grab a book, whatever...you know the WiFi password.”     “Thanks.” He wanders over to check the door, then goes to the kitchen and pulls out a chair. “Do you want me to put these away?”     “Oh, you don’t have to, I---”     “It’s all right.” He’s already un-bagging the things, his familiarity with your apartment allowing him to put things away easily. You know he’s trying to give you some privacy, and for that, you’re grateful.     I’m okay. It’s the first thing you type into the text, the first thing you know he would want to see. I’m not alone, the door is locked, I’m safe. I’m so sorry.     You’re not sure what else to say, so you send that and chew on your lip, staring at your phone, waiting for a reply. After a few minutes, you realize the sounds in the kitchen have gone silent. You look up to find him looking at you.     He smiles faintly. “Things are going to be a little crazy right now,” he says mildly. “Don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from them for a while.”     You know he’s probably just trying to make you feel better, but you nod anyways. “Right.” You study him for a second. The two of you knew each other fairly well; he’d been assigned to you since the start, and you’d spend plenty of time around each other in everyday life and critical situations. You trusted him. “What’s the risk level to them?”     He sits down. “Low.” He meets your eyes honestly. “The threats that were received were very specific.”     “As in, they only mentioned me?”     “Yes.” He’s watching you, trying to gauge how you’re taking it. “But the protocol is put in place for that slim margin of possibility.”     You take a small breath. “I--I know.” Glancing back down at your phone, you stare at the non-existent text message. “....Do you know why I wasn’t told?”     He sighs heavily. “I don’t know for sure, but I think he---they---didn’t want to worry you.”     There’s nothing to worry about! You hear yourself saying to Yoongi. You’re being dramatic. Over-protective. The pit in your stomach aches. I’m sorry. “Right,” you say again. There’s a moment of silence, then you turn on the TV and extend the remote towards him. “Do you have a preference?” He shakes his head, so you turn on a rerun of a game show and exchange the remote for your phone: still no message.     “I think this will be handled quickly,” he says, leaning back in the chair. “Everything will be back to normal soon.”     You stare at your phone screen. Normal, you think. I miss him.

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It’s been years since he’d gotten the news.     He glances blearily at his watch: it had only been a few hours. He reaches for his phone, which is difficult given how much his hands are shaking. When he finally manages to get it, he opens up his messages, and stares at it: I’m okay. I’m not alone, the door is locked, I’m safe. I’m so sorry.     A part of his mind starts screaming for you, but as he peers at the message through his swollen eyes, he shakes his head again. “No.” It can’t be real. She hates you right now. You’re making things up. He reads the text again, and he wants it to be real so badly that it’s hard to breathe.     But once again, he talks himself down. You’re exhausted, his mind whispers. You’ve been seeing things. It’s not real. It’s not real, it’s not real.     He drops his phone back to the desk and sinks back in his seat, his vision going blurry as he sits there. Please be safe, please be safe, please be safe....

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It’s a couple hours before you hear back from anyone, and then, as the text messages roll in, you feel the anxiety swallow you up when it’s not him.     JIMIN: u ok? everything is ok. hopefully i can come see u soon     JIN: Hang in there. Maybe we should do pizza tonight when we’re free??     Still no response from Yoongi.     HOSEOK: I’m sorry we didn’t tell you. Are you mad?     NAMJOON: I just spoke with the team leader--we’re close     TAEHYUNG: <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3     JUNGKOOK: Yoongi’s fine.     JUNGKOOK: I mean, he’s SAFE. He’s still not fine*     92 minutes past that, you get the all-clear. “The suspects were apprehended,” your bodyguard says, smiling at your clearly relieved expression. “Protocol has been lifted.” He glances at his phone. “The boys are all headed back to the company for a briefing.”     “That’s...that’s really good,” you manage. “Do I need to---?”     He shakes his head. “The local police are going to keep an eye on your house for the next few days, we have scheduled continuous drivebys, but everything should be back to normal now. I can stay for a while if you want---?”     “No.” You smile at his expression; you both knew that you didn’t want him here any longer than he had to be. “Thank you,” you add, reaching out to squeeze his forearm.     “I’ll keep you updated,” he promises, then pulls on his shoes, and with a final smile, leaves.     There’s still no reply from Yoongi.     You stay on your feet, pacing nervously as you type a group message: Glad everyone is safe. I texted Yoongi and haven’t heard back. Can someone please check on him and let me know?     JUNGKOOK: We are glad YOU are safe. Can we come by and visit after our meeting?     JIMIN: YES, we will check on him. don’t worry <3     JIN: We’re not back yet. As soon as we see him, we’ll tell you.     You take a small breath, but your apartment feels stifled somehow. Wrapping your arms across your stomach, you try to isolate the cause.     “You knew,” you whisper. “You knew there was something wrong. Why didn’t you just tell me?” Feeling your heart ache, you realize that even though you’re still a little angry, you’re mostly just guilt-ridden. I’m so sorry. You look at your phone again. “Please just text me back.”     You force yourself to sit down, changing the channel on the TV to something more interesting, and promise yourself that you won’t check your phone again until the next commercial break.     45 minutes pass and you feel like you’re going to lose your mind.     You text the group again: Guys??     16 minutes later, you jump out of your skin as your phone starts buzzing. You nearly drop it in your attempt to look at the screen: your heart starts racing as you see Jimin’s contact. “Hello?”     “I need you not to panic,” he says immediately, and your world starts spinning. “We can’t find Yoongi right now.”     “What?” You get to your feet abruptly, your anxiety thundering out of control. “What do you mean you can’t find him?”     He releases a tiny breath and his own worry bleeds through. “He was with us for the meeting, and then at some point he slipped out and now we can’t find him and he’s not answering his phone.”     “Why didn’t you text me as soon as you saw him?” It comes out more accusatory than you meant.     “He....He didn’t look very good. We didn’t want to worry you until we were able to get him---”     “What do you mean he didn’t look very good?”     There’s a commotion and suddenly Jin’s voice is filtering through the speaker: “He’s exhausted, dehydrated, hasn’t eaten much, and the stress has obviously gotten to him. He looks like a zombie.”     For the first time in 24 hours, the tears crawl back up your throat. “He’s...he....Jin, where is he?”     “We’re not sure, but we’re going to find him.” Jin manages to sound calm, even though you know he is panicking. “Some are checking the whole company building, some of us are headed back to the dorm, some are checking out his apartment. We’re going to find him.”     “I’m calling him,” you say shortly. “Please tell me immediately if you find him.”     “He’s okay, you---”     You don’t hear the rest of Jin’s explanation. He hasn’t slept. You feel like you can’t breathe. He hasn’t eaten, hasn’t had enough water. He’s not taking care of himself, he’s stumbling around like a zombie. You dial his number and hold the phone to your ear. He could be anywhere. “Please answer, please answer, please answer.”     It rings and rings and rings. You hang up, and then try again immediately. “Answer your---” You freeze suddenly at the sound of a familiar ringtone. You pull the phone away from your ear and listen as hard as you can and---there it was again.     Two weeks into your relationship, he had insisted on changing your ringtone to something special, “so I’ll know when to answer the phone.” You’d teased him at first, but he’d been so sincere that you’d finally taken his phone from him, browsing through the ringtone selection faux-seriously.     You picked the worst one---the most obnoxious, jarring one on the whole list---and called his number right away, giggling at his irritated expression. But just to get back at you, he’d kept that stupid ringtone, the one with the robotic-sounding horns and annoying beeping.     The one you can hear in the hallway right now.

[fmdjoosungarchive]

fmdmeme002, but all at once so i don’t spam y’all

1) what is your goal for this year/next year?

reading the sticky note, sung’s first thought was that he’d like to do many things. but, that wasn’t specific enough for a fan to feel satisfied. releasing more music with element was important to him, but so was having the time and creativity to write more music for others, and spend more time with friends and family. in the end, it only took a glance up at the fan to figure out what he wanted to write. “to meet more fans around the world!!!!”

2) what song would you want to sing to or play for someone you like?

a giggle left his lips when the girl in front of him asked her question. “are you looking to hire me for someone special?” it was natural, to play around with fans like they were his friends. to sung, they were. “i’d play something romantic. maybe one of @fmdxsuji’s songs.”

3) what’s your favorite scent?

sung knew this question had to come from a fan who knew him well. with the amount of candles in his side of the dorm, there were many to choose from. on camera, he tended to name more ‘manly’ scents, but in the space of fans, he was honest. “soft scents,” he wrote, “strawberry lemon ice a lot lately.”

4) if you spent one day with a fan, where would you go and what would you do?

sung’s hand readied to write that they should go to a theme park, but stopped short. there was a chance he might not be feeling very high energy that day, and the fans deserved better of him. he could say the library, too, but that might be too low energy for many fans. he settled with a basic compromise of, “what you like best!!!!”

5) what new concept do you want to try showing fans?

“a cute concept! wouldn’t we be so cute? especially yujinnie.” the fan responded that they thought he’d be cute too, which, he laughed and thanked them for. he hoped as much, anyway.

6) which girl group do you like the most recently?

he glanced up through his eyelashes with a smile. “this won’t be any surprise to you,” he said, and looked back down. “wish!!!” and on either side of the word he drew ‘hang loose’ symbol hands to symbolize the key point dance from signal. if he had more time, he might have taken a picture to send to @fmdluna.

7) which boy group do you like the most recently?

with ride on the wind’s promotions, sung held onto his songs of the summer for longer than he might have normally. though he knew he wasn’t going to stray away from his usual answers, picking which one was difficult. so, he had to go with which song was on his mind the most. “nine critical beauties!!! ㅋㅋ”

8) what soloist do you like the most recently?

it was inevitable that he’d receive a question like this during his solo debut. though they might expect a playful narcissistic answer, sung felt too grateful to the people that supported him and showed up for him to do anything less than sincere. “my friend @fmdjoohwan!!!” as he handed back the album and note, he said, “isn’t he so sexy these days?” to which the fan agreed.

9) what song have you been listening to a lot that you would recommend to fans?

“knight @fmdtaeyong‘s help,” he wrote, with a slight hesitation. the fans were still only getting to know him, and how willing he was to share things he felt was important. and this, was important. the fan read back his message, and asked why, and he took a breath before he said, “it’s okay to admit we all need help sometimes.”

10) what is your most used app?

sung never thought anyone would be interested in something like what app he uses most. if he had the time to pull out his phone and check, he could probably tell them definitively, but as it was, he had to make his best guess. “kkt, i think...” he paused to think, and continued, “or twitter!”

11) what should someone do to win your heart?

there was no way sung could tell them the truth. his heart would never belong to another person, and he knew that. @fmddaisuke knew that. the world didn’t, and might not ever. the thought was... upsetting, to say the least. but, he didn’t dwell on it, as he flashed a smile, and wrote, “give me lots of love!” and surrounded it with drawings of hearts.

12) what do you want for your next birthday?

he’d learned well enough by now that these questions tended to be sneaky ways to find out what they would next gift him, especially if the person was a fansite. which, this girl was. she was very kind whenever he’d met her, and frankly, he was always happy for any korean who supported them as dearly as she did, but, he wasn’t one to seek material things anymore. he wrote down something he thought might be more helpful, “every aether to be happier than the year before.”

13) what is do you consider to be your most charming feature/trait?

sung didn’t like thinking about his physical self as attractive. the only person he cared to be attractive for was his boyfriend, and even then, he’d rather have his personality shine through his looks. it may have been a simple answer, but he wrote, “kindness,” and slid the album back to the fan. aloud, he told them, “to me, being kind is one of the most admirable traits there is.”

14) what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

there were so many to choose from. sung never liked sticking to one kind for too long, not when a new wild flavor would be coming out every month. the classics were great, the ones he couldn’t even fathom what they might taste like were great. but, he went for middle of the road, “rocky road!!!,” and drew a mountain underneath for the words to follow.

15) how should i ask out the person i like?

“trust yourself,” he wrote, but didn’t feel like that was adequate. he held up a hand, and the fan took it, interlocking their fingers. “show them how much you care, and be straightforward. and, if they don’t feel the same way, it’s their own loss. you can only accept their affections if it’s as strong as yours.”

16) what’s the secret behind your good looks?

plastic surgery. that wasn’t a good answer. that was, more accurately, a terrible answer. sung thought he looked nice before his procedures, but, not good enough, he guessed. “a healthy skincare regime!”

17) what do you think of fans of the same gender as you?

element seemed to have a greater mix of genders in their fans. like with most idol groups, the majority leaned towards women, but sung particularly liked when men came up. it was... exhilarating. like a shot of adrenaline. this man seemed quite confident in meeting him, which sent a pang to his heart that they were still shy enough to write their question on a sticky note. “the more i meet, the happier sungie is!”

18) what is the most recent thing that made you happy?

right after their official debut, it probably was the most obvious that that would be the happiest moment. nothing else compared, in his eyes. but, most recently? “a delicious breakfast!” he wrote, and drew a small drawing of himself eating from a bowl.

19) what is your happiness level these days on a scale from 0 to 100?

if he really thought about it, it might not be that high. the thought wasn’t a great one to have. he’d just had his solo debut, with an entire mini album, mostly created by himself. but it was hard, different, the things expected of him were different. he made a compromise, writing “90!!!” and drew a little face in the zero.

20) can you give some inspiring words for someone going through a hard time?

whenever sung received this question, he worried that the fan was the one going through a difficult time. with his hand on the fan’s, he could tell them his own truth. “let yourself feel what you feel. and when you have, breathe it back out. let it off of your shoulders, so that you can remember a new day will come.”

21) what words of advice would you give to someone studying for their college exam?

“don’t listen to decipher sunbaenim’s ring ding dong!!!” the joke he wrote down was silly enough. he knew from personal experience how terribly that song could get stuck in someone’s head while studying. but, he added a second note below that, something that mattered more, in his opinion. “and accept that you’re still smart and amazing no matter how you do.”

22) give yourself a percent ranking from 0 to 100 in the following categories: cute, cool, and sexy.

some recess in sung hoped he could be 100 in all of the categories presented to him. if there was one that stuck out above the rest, though, it was cuteness. he wrote down an 80, for that. it was a decent score, not high enough too many people would disagree, hopefully. next was sexy, at 70. as much as he didn’t care for the image, gold star did like to present him as a sexy type, and sung couldn’t deny it. and, coming up in last, was cool, at 40. sung had never considered himself the traditionally cool type, but he was alright with that.

23) what place do you want to travel to the most?

sung didn’t think much about vacations, or anything of that nature. the first thing that came to mind was to travel back home. the second, to japan with @fmddaisuke, to see his family, because he knew how much his boyfriend ached for them. but, in the end, he wrote down, “wherever our aether are!”

24) what language would you like to learn?

language was a tricky subject for sung. he felt like he was pretty good at korean, all things considered. he was well-read, and expanded his vocabulary often enough. when it came to other languages, he had trouble making sentences himself. he’d been told he had great accents, and he could understand someone when they were speaking in english or japanese, for the most part, but responding back... was a gamble. he felt like he was already trying hard enough with english and japanese, so he went for the language he heard often that he didn’t mostly understand, “spanish!!!”

25) what is the first thing you think of when someone mentions your fans?

the relationship sung had with his fans wasn’t as complicated as it seemed it was for many of his friends. sure, there were people that didn’t follow element’s career the way he would, but sung didn’t consider those people to be much of fans. the fans were the ones who supported them fully, from a distance, and enjoyed them for what they were. they were the ones who brought sung joy. “happiness”

26) what is your favorite movie/book you’ve seen/read recently?

in the space of these close fan interactions, sung could be more honest than he might have otherwise. chances were, only interns at the company and aethers would see his response. he read often, watched movies on a regular basis as well, though not as often as he read, so choosing one was difficult. but, the one that had stuck out the most to him recently was, “call me by your name!!”

27) what are your recent wishes?

“element and aether’s happiness”. writing the words down wasn’t a difficult decision. sung knew in his heart those were two of his wishes. he supposed part of him wished for element’s success too. even if he was happy with where they were at, he knew his members weren’t. and they deserved the world.

28) what are the requirements for your ideal type?

it was a common question. part of the fantasy of being an idol meant the expectation that fans would want to date him. but unlike some of his other members, sung enjoyed it. playing along was fun, when the fan knew the limits of their relationship. when it came to sung, there weren’t many restrictions. he wanted to know their fans in as close of a capacity as he could, because he felt like they deserved that. like most other times that question had come up, it was written on a sticky note, that he could playfully hide as he wrote, “to be as sweet as you!” before giving it back, and seeing the happy blush on the fan’s face.

29) what job would you want if you weren’t an idol?

before being in element, sung never considered that question. what he might want was very different from what he might have ended up doing. he knew that if he never made it into debut, he’d have stayed in his family’s business, and likely been miserable. but over the years, he had the opportunity to actually think on that question. most of the time, he threw out one of the many jobs he thought might have been cool, but this time, like many other instances, he went with what felt the most fitting for him, “a teacher,” to which he drew an apple beside it.

30) what is a hobby you’d like to pick up?

the fan was pretty young, for their usual demographic. positively adorable, but also confident enough to ask their question to his face, rather than write it down. his answer came quickly, “cooking!” though he had many hobbies he admired, wanting to become a better cook had been a dream for quite a long time, which he continued to share with the fan. they expressed the sentiment of wanting to help teach him, and he agreed they’d need to sort that out, before the fan was ushered over to @fmdyujin.

[deehollowaywrites]

If there’s a thing sports fans seem not so keen on, it’s the use of the word “fandom” to refer to their passions. Whoever heard of being in the Mets fandom? Fair enough–the word is a newer coinage, comes with all sorts of attendant baggage, reasonable and less so–but it’s easy shorthand, especially when you are a fan beneath the broad umbrella of a sport but without tendencies useful for identification. I can’t really say, for instance, that I’m a horseplayer. I very rarely play the horses, “playing” (betting) being considered the common denominator among racing enthusiasts and the form of participation most recognizable to the public.

(Sidebar: this came up in recent weeks, since the only press Thoroughbreds get in the US is middling-to-bad press. But Diana, you cry, didn’t some horse just do that thing horses try to do every year? Sure, but it’s only been two years since that thing happened last, which makes it less worthy of note or something.)

Coming from the arenas of Star Wars, comic books, and fantasy literature arms a person with certain expectations for engagement. Reams of thinkpieces have been written about how the Internet transformed human interaction, particularly that which relates to entertainment. Did you know there are dating apps based on a person’s favorite media? (You probably did; there’s a dating app for everything.) Put in the title of your favorite book and watch the possible matches stack up. Of course, this almost never works anywhere but on paper–a common interest in a band does not mean that I have more than a handful of positive interactions with strange men at metal concerts. Female fans of all kinds expect gatekeeping, derision, and calls to prove themselves, especially within fandoms that are perceived as male-centric. Don’t be hanging out on the paddock fence unless you’re ready to give your opinion of race five’s lineup on demand. Why would you be sitting at the bar with a form if you aren’t betting? Tell me why you belong here. Show your work.

How many Robins are there? Six, I say, bracing myself for the guy who manages to forget Carrie and Steph.

I really enjoy David Hill’s writing (and horseplayer analysis, as heard on the 6/2 episode of The Winners Circle). I love Alex Evers’ photography (and enthusiasm, and attention to jockeys, and the way he uses multiple exclamation points in every paragraph). My favorite racing!Twitter threads usually involve multiple participants talking about memories, or firsts: one of the delightful aspects of this sport is longevity, since there are many still-active participants, fans and photographers and trainers, who have an uncashed ticket from Secretariat’s Belmont sitting in their jewelry box at home. But the common thread, beyond the horses themselves, seems to be that very longevity… and to newbs, it’s an intimidating atmosphere. A person my age is a fan because their parents were, or grandparents, because someone took them to the track when they were seven years old, because they grew up that way. The industry side of racing is chockful of dynasties. Fathers and sons race horses together as trainer and jockey; riders marry each other; breeders’ and trainers’ children turn into analysts and bloodstock agents. Even the newer acolytes reminisce about the Preakness being on TV in the background of some family party when Rachel Alexandra won. There’s a world in which people just put on horse racing, even if only for the big days. Alien.

That Evers could be looking through a grandparent’s belongings and discover a commemorative scarf from the inaugural Breeders’ Cup is a baffling and beautiful and very foreign idea.

A Tweet that I can no longer find, of course, because the Devil rain down brimstone upon the ‘Things Your Friends Liked’ feature, talked about the rarity of queer people growing up in a queer family. The reality remains that, once teenage or adult, a queer person generally has to discover their own family, create a circle from scratch, find a community and a place for themselves within it. It’s probably not coincidental that fandom spaces, especially online, are a beehive of queer connection, media, and thought. Plenty of people, especially those of us in digital-native demographics, explore identities through media and fanworks before bringing those ideas home to ourselves. In this mode, being a late bloomer has done me no favors. I don’t really have queer friends outside of the Internet; I’ve never frequented a scene in any of the cities that I’ve lived in, because until recently I didn’t believe I had the right to be there. A woman at a queer mixer put on during a recent writing conference flirted with me and I didn’t know what to do–I had never been in a room where it could reasonably be assumed that I was not straight, because nobody else was either. The mental and social framework is not in place. I am, quantifiably, not queer enough.

One person among many spectators on the racetrack apron can reasonably be assumed to be a racing fan. A few questions may be enough to unveil them as faking.

How many tracks have you visited? Two. What’s your biggest win? $12.

Try explaining to someone with an uncashed Secretariat ticket how it is that you woke up one day changed. Try coming from the feminized side of fandom, transformation rather than curation, and encountering a strange gate with familiar keepers. Try loving a thing, and being told that you can hate it as long as you’re good at it; recall the concept of being good at enjoyment. Try immediate attraction to everything except the thing that matters, the fulcrum, the sport’s raison d’etre. Try watching, in real time, your heart expand to bursting, knowing that even this will be unconvincing. Impostor syndrome is all well and expected in the career realm, but what is it doing poisoning my downtime? There’s a strange wriggle of pleasure in being invited to offer picks for a big race day on a fansite. It compounds when my pick wins, and then I wince in advance of someone asking how much I scored. Is it cheating if you pore over the PPs and then don’t place the bet?

You playing Gulfstream, says that old guy in the bar at Tampa Bay–you know the one–barely a question because who isn’t playing Gulfstream? Who we picking for race four? Luis Saez on turf, I say. He’d been having a good winter, as you may recall. Twenty minutes later, the old-timer gets up: What, you not going to the window? You bet online?

I didn’t bet at all. I just like Luis Saez, and turf.

I will never be queer enough. My pain is not overt, my sexual history is not gay, my presence leaves no mark. If it’s indeed possible to be bad at liking a sport, I’m terrible at loving horse racing, with my $2 show bets on big weekends that offend the sensibilities of true believers. Oh, you had some grand explosion of self-discovery at the ripe old age of 28? Great, congratulations, you’re now The Gay Cousin at family reunions. Oh, you decided to get into sports, like a good American, and instead of going for a comfortable, obvious underdog--the Browns, perhaps--you picked a hidebound archaism in its probable death throes? Godspeed!

I couldn’t have planned this better if I tried.

[btsorpheus]

THE HI-TOUCH

I like to joke that on February 14, 2020, I met the love of my life.

I didn’t, of course. But for a second, I fumbled my way through a half-high-five-half-handhold with the K-pop boy group Monsta X and absolutely did not cry, no matter what Rolling Stone attempted to imply. (Yes, that’s me in the foreground of the final photograph.)

The hi-touch is an extremely weird event, to say the least.

Anxious because this was the first time I’d ever attended a fan event, I’d managed to show up four hours early. About three of these hours were spent nervously reading Orfeo by Richard Powers at the Coffee Bean down the street, occasionally looking over trying to figure out when people queue up.

The final hour was actually spent in the line. I tried to make small-talk with the fan in front of me, but soon gave that up when she grimaced in disapproval after finding out I’d been a fan for “only a month” then literally took me by the shoulders and shook me while insisting, “MAKE SURE YOU MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THEM! MAKE EYE CONTACT OR YOU’LL REGRET IT!”

It was while I was worriedly scrolling through my phone that Monsta X rolled in in sports cars.

Just as I began to recover from the absolutely mind-boggling spectacles I’d already been forced to face, I was ushered into the venue--which housed six enormous cut-outs of the members’ faces. Which, frankly, was terrifying.

(Photo: Michelle Kim. Two of the “six enormous cut-outs,” featuring Hyungwon and Joohoney, set-up at Tower Records for Monsta X’s meet-and-greet on Feb. 14, 2020.)

I’d probably been waiting in there for around 15 minutes when the employees desperately trying to hype up the room (mostly full of nervous young girls) introduced Monsta X, who suddenly burst through the curtains on the opposite side of the room and rushed up to the table before hurriedly taking their seats (Kihyun, their main vocalist, barely had time to shrug off his jacket) and sticking out their hands.

After that, it’s just a blur.

Writing this approximately a month after the event, all I can remember is the first member possibly smirking at me, the second holding my hand more firmly than I’d expected, the third smiling broadly, and the last two seeming tired.

And then I stumbled out of the venue and called an Uber and was back home, largely unchanged.

(Photo: Michelle Kim. Paul McCarthy, Dead H Drawings, 1968-69; graphite and ink on paper. Paul McCarthy, Dead H Crooked Leg, 1979 and Dead H Crooked Leg Maze, 1979; graphite and ink on paper. On display at the Hammer Museum in Los Angeles, CA. Photo taken Feb. 22, 2020.)

The Gaze

When recalling the original myth of Orpheus and Eurydice, the first thing that usually comes to my mind is Orpheus turning around to look at Eurydice and to lose her. It’s the climax of the story. And though that Orphic gaze is translated differently in different iterations of the myth, it always seems to be a focal point.

Gazing at something implies a strange binary--it reveals that there is that which you can see and that which you cannot. Paul McCarthy captures this in his Dead H Drawings, a series of sketches of said letter with the space in the center horizontal line highlighted. If you were to look through the legs, you would never be able to see the inside of that portion; you could only see out the other end of the leg like a tunnel. Hence, it’s a dead space.

Even when just looking at a specific object, it becomes clear that you can only focus on one thing at a time. Everything in your peripheral is less easily accessed--forget whatever’s happening behind you.

In Orpheus’s case, the gaze is about confirming Eurydice’s presence yet also losing her. It’s both a moment of relief and of grief, of catharsis and of catastrophe. The nature of his tragedy is that he can’t have the first without the second; if he did, he will have succeeded.

For Scottie, the protagonist of Hitchcock’s Vertigo, it’s exactly this sense of conflicted intangibility that attracts him to Judy/Madeleine, the Eurydice-figure. Even when he believes she’s just Madeleine, there’s an element of fantastical unreachability to her--the fact that she is supposedly possessed by Carlotta. And then when Judy falls back into the Madeleine role, Scottie continues to push her to the edge until she dies a true and final death.

Perhaps this is what makes celebrities such easy objects of affection and what motivates paparazzi. Celebrity sightings, celebrity photos, and two-minute interviews--they’re all small glimpses of a desirable person that we wouldn’t otherwise be able to access.

(Screenshots of replies from Twitter on a tweet regarding how the original poster believes BTS loves ARMY more than ARMY could ever love them, taken on March 11, 2020. Twitter handles and personal information have been blurred for the users’ privacy.)

A persistent phenomenon in BTS’s fanbase is ARMY seeming to think that BTS’s members genuinely love all of their fans.

K-pop is particularly adept when it comes to commodifying celebrities. It’s why they’re referred to as “idols” and not just as normal performers. Their jobs are to record songs and dance at concerts, but they’re also expected to vlog, feature on variety and reality shows, film practice videos, take and post selfies, consistently interact with fans on Fancafe (a blog platform for K-pop idols), be gracious and friendly in public--and on top of all this pressure, maintain their appearances and memorize choreography and lyrics.

Because there’s hundreds of hours of content featuring them available, it’s easy for fans to believe that they truly, personally understand their favorite idols. But idols are first and foremost entertainers. Everything they do is in the interest of gaining more fans, who turn into consumers and therefore income. When taking into account their motivation, does that still make idols genuine?

In Sarah Ruhl’s play Eurydice, Eurydice loses her memory upon death. She must relearn who she was when she was alive through her father, also dead, as he reteaches her how to read, her favorite past-time when alive. 

By the time Orpheus arrives to guide her out of the Underworld, it’s unclear if Eurydice has regained her previous sense of self. And if she has, it’s been filtered through her father. 

Similarly, the return of “Madeleine” in Hitchcock’s Vertigo is a hazy recollection of the original woman.

(Vertigo (1958) dir. Alfred Hitchcock.)

Though Judy is dressed as Madeleine, talks like Madeleine, and walks like Madeleine, she’s only playing the Madeleine that Scottie wants to see. She’s putting on an artificial performance of what he expects in an effort to appease him. The Madeleine that he wants is a cool, refined, and feminine lady. Though not playing hard-to-get, she’s always out of reach as a woman both disconnected from reality and married, therefore unavailable. 

Judy can’t always be that. In the car, when Scottie drives her to the bell tower where the true Madeline died, Judy slips through her Madeleine veneer as she acts just a shade too coy.

Eurydice can’t always be what Orpheus expects her to be. The Backwards Look that ultimately causes him to lose her is an act of attempted confirmation, to be sure that he has her: the “loan” that Hades had promised him.

This Backwards Look manifests in many ways among BTS fans.

First, there are the sasaengs and fansites. They’re in some ways comparable to paparazzi--fansites especially, who consider it their (unpaid and unasked for) jobs to photograph idols at their every public appearance, even if they’re just going to catch a flight, then to share their professional-grade photographs online. Sasaengs take this a step further; they’re essentially stalkers who will buy an idol’s personal information to, for example, share a flight and book a neighboring hotel room to be as physically close to them as possible.

Though less extreme, there are also fan artists and fanfiction writers. Both attempt to capture the BTS members’ personalities and internal lives and manifest them in portraits, comics, and elaborate stories (often novel-length or longer). Artists and writers have to assume something about BTS when creating such content. There’s no way anyone could fully understand what’s happening in another person’s head. And when BTS is constantly presenting stage personas while acting like reality shows, filmed by dozens of cameras and producers, represent who they truly are, it’s difficult to say who the artists and writers are trying to capture.

Even a fan’s desire to stream music and videos and look at photos of BTS is a form of the Backwards Look. They’re constantly revisiting a moment and trying to recapture that first instance of experiencing it. This is the Eurydice moment--the experience of falling in love with a piece of art in a brief glance, and losing that feeling as soon as the moment is over.

These experiences are by no means limited to just BTS. Many fandoms, especially other K-pop groups’ fandoms, all experience this overwhelming amount of content consumption. But because BTS is the current Orpheus--dominating their music genre--they have the most fans, the most fanart and fanfiction, and the most streams. They are constantly under the pressure of the Backwards Gaze.

And they are constantly beyond it at the same time. In Ovid’s telling, Eurydice disappears as soon as Orpheus looks back (“she was gone, in a moment”). In Ruhl’s, the lovers “turn away from each other, matter-of-fact, compelled” as soon Orpheus sees Eurydice. When Scottie finally sees the Madeleine he wants, she dies in the next scene.

Eurydice is always beyond reach. And for every minute of content BTS releases, there’s still hours where they’re beyond the camera’s gaze. Are they the same in front of it as they are apart from it? Would they still profess how much they love ARMY if no one was there to record them? Would RM be as well-spoken? Would Jin’s laugh be the same?

It’s only been a month or so, but it’s difficult for me to recall what exactly happened when I gave Shownu, the leader of Monsta X, a horrifically awkward half-high-five-half-handshake. I tried to record what happened right after the event, but I was so shocked that all I could write for him was “funny little smile,” which doesn’t help much when I’m trying to piece together the memory.

Even in the moment, it was difficult to parse exactly what that “funny little smile” meant. There’s only so much time to think when you’re given just a split-second glance. Had Shownu been teasing, playing the flirt that loves all his fans as idols are expected to? Had he been genuinely excited to be there? Had he been embarrassed? (I know I was.) Maybe the smile hadn’t been funny, or little, or even a smile at all--maybe I’d read the moment all wrong.

Funnily enough, Shownu features on a song called, “Don’t Look Back.”

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[shiningforvixx]

170621 - Mata Hari Musical (Leo)

I talked to a few people about the play this time around in comparison to last year and have been getting mixed reviews. Honestly, it’s hard to compare the two in terms of which is better because their goals seem different. And what I like in one version probably wouldn’t fit in another version. This post won’t be Leo-centric, so heads up on that.

I ended up getting to the theater pretty early because a friend of mine wanted a nice spot to take pictures of Leo when he arrived. I met up with a very special Twitter friend who was super cool to finally hang with for a bit. It was probably good that she had a friend there as a buffer as well. I feel like we bonded a lot, finally being able to sit around in person. We shared our secret Leo things (...that sounds weird, but oh well;;) and even shook hands over it. Plus she gave me a present, and basically, I’m just as in love with her as ever. Okay...back to Leo now;;;

Leo’s arrivals and departures are probably best experienced through videos and pictures (when experiencing them second-hand), but here we are. I mean, this blog is 86.8% for me anyway hahahaha. Right. Leo. Before he got there, a giant semi-truck parked in the path that he walks down, but luckily he went in the same way anyway. His hair was less fancily put up today, and he only mostly didn’t look my way instead of completely not looking my way. Oh well. Like I always say, leaving is the best. Jumping forward to that bit, my Spanish friend had come to see the play with me and was with me outside as well. (In an amusing turn of events, a lady I’d met at In the Heights and again at a music show was right near me in the line up!) The lights outside went out (they were from the cafe) so everyone, especially the fansites, freaked out for a bit. Then we mostly got over it and after a few minutes, Leo came out wearing a black cap. He was going slowly as usual and definitely acknowledged my presence. I’m not sure if he heard me say he did well, but we can pretend he did.

Back to the musical! (Beware of spoilers!!)

I almost need to take notes during the musical...or at least intermission because I thought of so many things to say, but only remember a few things.

About this cast: I do like Cha Jiyeon as Mata, but I can’t wait to see Ock Joo Hyun again because I already know she and Leo have fabulous chemistry. Kim Joonhyun played Ladoux last year as well. He has great characterization, and personally I like his singing and line delivery better than Moon Jongwon, who I saw at the preview. However, and I had this problem last year, he is not super easy to understand particularly while singing. I remember my friend (who doesn’t know Korean) really liked him, but that was probably because he portrays emotion very well as he sings. I think this is where the problem with his enunciation comes from. It gets lost in sounding good/emotional. Kim Nayoon’s Anna...I can’t say I like it better because the two of the actresses are so different. I feel like she kept her character closer to what it was last year, and the silliness/childish feeling she brings to the character make her endearing to both Mata and the audience as well as make her heartbreak more poignant.

My friend and I were talking about how Armand and Mata fell in love last year versus this year before the show, so I was paying attention to what the attraction was. Last year, Armand’s youth and innocence were an obvious pull for Mata who had lost that part of her. This year, Armand is not so painfully innocent and cute, so it’s a bit more puzzling to see why they fall in love. What I noticed today was that the two of them have painful pasts they have managed to move on from and they both yearn for a simple life. It really kills me hearing Armand say he’s used to being beat up because that’s how he grew up. Also, when he mentioned his parents fighting when he was younger...he definitely has that slightly broken past charm going for him. His past matches right with Mata, whose father was abusive and then she got stuck with a drunkard abusive husband. No wonder she turned cynical. (Okay, not exactly cynical...but well...maybe haha;;)

I really like their little rooftop song about what they will do after the war (if they survive). Mata with her cafe and Armand with a little plane he’d buy. It’s really depressing when Armand casually mentions he doesn’t imagine he’ll live to see the end of the war. Those poor pilots really did have a high death rate, didn’t they?ㅠㅠ I feel like it’s really these similarities between the two that bring them together rather than the differences that brought them together in the last version. Personally, I like the idea of people being together because of similarities. Opposites attract sounds nice and all, but in reality, does it work that well?

I mentioned this last time, but the story has sort of pulled away from just the romance to highlight the horror of war. That seems to be a major theme this time. We saw glimpses of that last year, but it is inescapable this year. Along those lines, Ladoux seems like less of a bad guy and more of a result of war. by which I mean it is very obvious how he is driven by his responsibilities as a general. Granted, he has personal motives with Mata, but he’s less “bad”. The mellowing of these characters makes them more believable, but also feels like we’re maybe missing out on some characterization?

Ladoux’s wife, Katherine, is practically no longer an important character. Watching the play again, I almost wonder if her absence was an attempt to remove her being the excuse for Ladoux's bad actions? Seeing as Mata is such a strong female character, I wonder if the playwright was trying to not undo his work in that regard by having another female be the reason Mata is killed. Instead we have a new character who Ladoux is responsible to that we can somewhat blame. (Is he Katherine’s dad or just a higher officer? I missed that bit;;)

It is also interesting that the German general was pulled up into a larger role. In some ways I feel it was unnecessary. I think that a lot of the things that were unclear/implied last time are explicitly said or shown this time. That’s not bad per se, but I felt like the German general didn’t have to be quite so explain-y in his multiple phone calls, but maybe that’s just me.

The last thing I recall wanting to mention today was that I noticed Leo’s stance and walking. I remember being surprised last year when he sat as Armand the first time with his knees wide apart because our Leo sits with his legs crossed 99% of the time. I was very proud of him tonight seeing him stand and move in character. I know it’s to be expected, but Leo has such a distinct way he holds his body, I imagine it took some practice to move in character. (Granted, certain costume pieces like boots and poofy airman pants probably help feel the character and how he would move.)

Cast: 마타하리 - 차지연, 라두 대령 - 김준현, 안나 - 김나윤

Perhaps one of these days I’ll remember enough of this version of the play to do a proper little outline. We shall see.