#(pretty much) (it is me just sort of rambling my anxious brain) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

treacheryinblue · 6 months ago

Text

Chapter 3/?

× Elysium (noun) : a place or condition of ideal happiness. type of: fictitious place, imaginary place, mythical place.

Word Count: 9.3k

Masterlist

A Noah Sebastian x OC Series

× Summary: Noah and his new found (sort of) friend, Persephone, battle the trivial ins and outs of being teenagers in a world that doesn't accept you. They survive together all the way into adulthood - with bouts of loneliness included - where the world is still a fickle bitch.

× Warnings!: language, violence, slowburn, friends to lovers to enemies back to friends, rinse and repeat (not even in that order), eventual smut, sexual themes, etc. Each chapter will have its own set of separate warnings.

× Author Notes: ( 1 ) And there I go again with the too much rambling and making chapters entirely too long. What's the preference when it comes to things like this? ( 2 ) Don't forget that there will be no smut or sexual descriptions while Persephone is still a minor aka anytime before 2016. ( 3 ) Another time jump will be coming up within the next chapter. As I stated before, I'm not trying to dwell too long in the past for them, but my brain always has a way of dragging things out. This may also be the last chapter of Seph as a minor... ◔‿◔

× Chapter Warnings!: language, brief sexual themes

SUMMER OF 2014

FRIDAY AUGUST 1st

NOAH

“Did you guys hear about Persephone?”

Everyone stared at the dark haired girl - now known as Alexa - after she dropped down into the booth next to Folio, waiting for her to continue.

“Ya know, after her party last weekend?”

Christ, if this girl didn't just spit it out. Noah didn't want to hear about Seph, no, but he for some reason felt anxious about whatever was about to be revealed. It already wasn't sitting right with him.

“Well, her parents apparently came home early because someone cut their security cameras back on to the live setting, and they saw all of it. The people, the alcohol, the huge mess she hadn't been able to get cleaned up yet. It was bad.”

Alexa was nodding as she spoke, though she was now taking a long pause. They could sense she had more to say, so Noah made a face for her to continue, which she huffed and did. Folio’s new girl was cool and all, but damn did she have a flare for the dramatics. She also had this weird power of knowing everything about everyone. It was a little scary.

“A little birdy told me that Seph then had a masssivveee breakdown. I'm talking a full on freak out. She trashed the place even more, broke some priceless vases her mom had, got blood everywhere because she accidentally cut herself on the glass or some shit. Yeah, it was insane. Something legit right out of a movie.”

Noah was fighting back the urge to spew his lunch everywhere. His stomach was churning, his insides turning every which way, and there was no end in sight for it. He was avoiding everyone's gaze, instead choosing to stare at a blank spot on the table while processing what Alexa was saying.

“Who did you hear that from?” Nick spoke up, obviously suspicious of the story. He was the only one who really knew what happened between him, Seph, and Maisie that night, so of course he was going to dig deeper.

“I shouldn't even be telling anyone this, but my brother was a paramedic at the scene. He said he thinks it was all stress induced, but some people are saying she was on drugs.”

“No, she didn't do drugs.” Noah shook his head, refusing to believe that rumor. It was clear there was a lot that Seph needed to work on, but he wasn't going to let her name be dragged through the mud over something he knew wasn't true.

“Drugs, no drugs. Doesn't matter. Her parents sent her away to some facility up state but they're telling people she's spending her senior year studying abroad in Sweden or somewhere posh sounding like that.”

“That's fucking wild,” Folio sighed while shoving a couple of fries into his mouth. “Pretty bummed I only got to go to one of her parties.”

“Shut up, Folio,” Noah heavily exhaled, his thumb and pointer finger rubbing and digging at his eyes.

There was a part of him that didn't believe it, or rather didn't want to believe it. But if Alexa's brother was there, then he had to admit that was a pretty reliable source. And after what he saw that night, it was all pretty plausible.

Fucking hell.

SPRING TO SUMMER 2015

PERSEPHONE

Fingertips lightly traced the tiny delicate scars that now scattered across the top and bottom of her hands. There was a point months ago when she was worried about how they would heal, nervous as to whether or not they'd always look red and angry. Thankfully that wasn't the case, for they were small and white, barely noticeable unless you were close enough or already knew they were there. The soles of her feet carried identical scars, all because of the shards of glass she had stupidly walked over.

“We've still never really talked about why you thought you couldn't seek help or guidance, Persephone.”

Although she heard the older woman’s question, her eyes remained down on her hands. The same scars she had stared at for days upon days were way more interesting than whatever bullshit she was going to try prying from her today. Only sometimes did she give the woman a bit of information, just to tide her over so she could report to her parents that she was making ‘great progress’.

“You really want to know?”

“Well, yes, of course.”

Slowly nodding, Seph took in a deep breath before dropping her hands into her lap and finally lifting her gaze to the older woman. She held her pen at the ready, fully prepped to scribe down anything of importance she may divulge.

“I figured there was no point in ever telling people about what was happening inside of me. It was best kept inside, like everything else.”

“Why did you feel that way?”

Seph shrugged, arms crossing over her chest in a defensive manner. Yep, the woman was right on it with that damned pen too. Of course she was going to take note of her stance.

“Because people don't want to hear about the difficulties of life coming from someone like me.”

“Someone like you…what does that mean?”

“You know what it means. You're in my father's pocket, after all.”

Everyone at this ridiculously irritating place was. The only employee she had become slightly friendly with was a second shift nurse who let her use his phone, but of course for a price. Gross, not like that. He wanted money, just as everyone did. $100 for fifteen minutes. Can you believe that?

The woman eyed her from across the room. She was waiting for her to continue because obviously her smart ass remark wasn't a sufficient answer.

“Someone who has the means to do anything and everything. Never a need for anything. Someone who has all of their material wants satisfied. That kind of person.”

Seph twisted her lips and looked out the wall of windows within the office. God, she couldn't wait to be out of this place.

“People tend to forget that material items aren't everything, though. At the end of the day, they don't fucking mean anything. I can't talk to a purse. I can't voice my frustrations to a goddamn overpriced car.”

This made her laugh, the sound of it echoing through the otherwise quiet office. Her therapist didn't seem to find it as funny, but that was okay. She wasn't trying to spit jokes at her anyway. It was all the truth.

“You don't believe your parents could see that you were struggling? What about your friends?”

Ah, of course the woman was going to try to get all the answers she had been seeking from the beginning. A part of her was starting to think that she didn't really care about how Seph was, she just wanted to know all the gritty and secret details of a man’s family who basically owned her.

“I didn't have friends, not really. Well…I had one, but he was a new friend. He wasn't ready to learn all of my inner workings.”

Persephone could tell the woman wanted to dive into this ‘he’, but she wasn't going to give her the opportunity. Noah was not going to become a pawn in her sessions that could be used against her.

“And my parents were never around, so no, they didn't see a damn thing. It took it literally blowing up in their faces for them to notice.”

That was enough talking for today. Seph was mentally tired of this gymnastics routine she was forced to partake in multiple times a week, and now all she wanted to do was get the hell out of there. Both the office and the facility as a whole. Though mainly the former right then because it was nearing the time for her to be out a hundred bucks.

Once she was given the ‘okay’ to call it a day, she couldn't have scurried out fast enough. And like perfect clockwork, Ben was waiting outside of her room, ready to collect. They didn't say anything to each other as he slyly slipped his phone to her, then carried on down the hall until he would circle back fifteen minutes later.

Seph hid within her bathroom, her body uncomfortably seated within the empty bathtub with the curtain drawn. She didn't know why this is where she felt safest making calls, but it's the one and only place she had done it since her first month there.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

On the fourth, the call connected and she was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

“Pom,” he answered without missing a beat, his smile easily heard in his tone.

“Hey, peach,” she softly spoke, immediately feeling more like herself as soon as she was in friendly company.

“Did you make all the doctors happy today?”

Seph snorted out a laugh, rolling her eyes to herself. “Well, I didn't threaten any of them, if that's what you mean.”

“Ah, so progress! That warms my heart.”

“I think they're going to let me come home soon. Therapist number two was really digging in. But how's things there?”

“If you want to ask about him, then you can.”

The smile she wore slowly began to fade, her eyes fixated on a random spot of her sweatpants that she had started picking at.

“No…I mean…is he okay? I'm not going to come home to him having lost a leg or something, right?”

Nick laughed, and she just knew he was shaking his head. “I can say with absolute certainty that all of his limbs are still intact. A one legged front man would be pretty badass though, yeah?”

As much as Seph wanted to get lost in thoughts of Noah, she couldn't bring herself to do so right then. She had to save that for those particularly hard moments while she was locked away.

“Did you tell her?”

A female voice in the background broke through, followed by a hushed response from Nick that she couldn't make out. There was some shuffling on the other side, then he was heavily sighing before speaking up again.

“Shit, Seph, I hate to do this…but I don't want you to come home and be blindsided.”

“You're really freaking me out right now.”

“Alexa heard that your dad…yeah! I'm getting to it!” Again Nick huffed, and this whole thing being drawn out was literally going to cause her heart to beat out of her chest.

“She heard that your dad is trying to press charges against Maisie…for the video of you and Noah. Some shit about child pornography, I don't know. Apparently she sent it to her brother, so that's not only possessing, but also distributing.”

“What the actual fuck, Nick?!” Seph quickly covered her mouth with her hand to muffle her outburst, which allowed her a moment to take a deep breath and count to ten.

“No…how? How is he going to do that when nothing happened in the video? It was just us kissing and his shirt coming off. Not mine!”

“I'm not a lawyer, Seph, I don't know. That's just what Alexa heard, so it could hold zero weight.”

“Does Noah know?”

“Yeah…apparently your dad also paid him a visit…fuck, I wasn't supposed to tell you that.”

More hushed voices rambled off in the background. The main one she could make out was from Alexa still, but a new one had been added that caught her off guard.

“Who the hell are you being so secretive with?”

His voice came through loud and clear this time, so Seph assumed he had lowered the phone to play it off like he wasn't on it. Not very smart, Nick. Not smart at all.

“Huh? No one. I was just gonna order a pizza.”

“Nick, you're a terrible liar. What are you doing?”

Seph sunk down further in the bathtub, a hand holding her forehead in complete disbelief for what was happening. It was the first time she had heard Noah’s voice since she saw him last, and of course it had to be when she was talking to his best friend on the down low.

“Pom? Who’s Pom?”

NOAH

There was a brief moment of tug-of-war as he tried to wrestle the phone from Nick. Never had his best friend kept something from him, at least not to his knowledge, but especially not when he had been caught red handed.

Finally, Nick gave in and released the device, allowing him to turn it around until he could clearly read the name plastered on the screen.

“Pom? Who's Pom?” His brows furrowed in confusion, though he still lifted the phone up to his ear. There was no sound on the other end, except for the very faint hint of a breath being taken. Then, the line went dead, the call ending from the other side.

Nick was staring at him with wide eyes and he could already see the explanation just waiting to escape him.

“Dude…I'm sorry,” he began, hands holding out in a defensive stance. “Pom is Seph…ya know, like pomegranate? Persephone is a goddess who-”

“I know who Persephone is! I understand the reference, Nick!”

“Right, yeah. You know how she would always say 'you're a peach' to me? Well, she just started calling me peach one day and it stuck, so she became Pom and it was just this dumb thing to help her while she's away, and -”

“You've been talking to her this entire time?”

Nick paused, his body relaxing for a brief moment as he thought back to when their first conversation could've been.

“Not the entire time…probably since last September?”

Noah was really hoping Nick could feel the fire in his glare, because boy, was it intense. What the hell was he supposed to do with this information? Should he even be mad? It was honestly the fact that Nick kept it from him that really pissed him off. Why would he? Unless…Seph had asked for him to.

“She doesn't want to talk to me.” It didn't take much for him to put it all together. Seph was complicated as all hell, but she could be predictable at times too.

“No, she does. She does, okay? She hasn't straight up told me why she won't, but my guess is that she's embarrassed. I don't know! I'm not an expert on teenage girls!”

“You two are just best friends now or something?”

Nick heavily exhaled, his arms dropping down to his sides in defeat. A silence settled between them, one that was just long enough for each of them to gather their thoughts. Or, at least try to.

“Dude…come on.” Nick shook his head slowly at Noah, a look of disbelief beginning to move across his features. “Don't make me seem like an asshole because I was trying to be there for her.”

That's exactly how Noah saw it, though. Although he wouldn't always have this opinion on the matter, it's how he felt currently. He wanted to be the one there for Seph. He wanted to help her through whatever it was she was struggling with. She wouldn't let him be that person, though, and that's what really stung.

Fuck, why was he letting a girl he had been friends with for a month plague his mind like this?

“It's whatever, man. I'll just see her when she gets out, I guess.”

Noah didn't want this to become a huge conflict between him and Nick. As easy as it would've been for him to argue his point right then, it wasn't worth the headache. Nick was his best friend, and had been for years, while Seph was only just a girl he had developed an infatuation with.

PERSEPHONE

“I know it's bad timing, dear, but your father and I expected you to be home next week.”

On and on her mother went during the drive home, all while Seph spent the duration staring out the window. Her fingers were itching to get a hold of her phone but the device had yet to be given back to her - of course. Honestly, she would be surprised if her parents let her have it back at all.

But at least it seemed like the snow queen was over the disastrous ending that was her beloved vases.

“But, we’ll have a nice dinner as a family tonight, then he and I will be back Sunday evening.”

Seph wanted to laugh at how ridiculous her mom sounded. When did they ever have nice dinners together? At least one, if not both, of her parents always ended up wandering off to take business calls in the middle of meals, leaving her to eat alone. What was so nice about that?

“Does that sound like a plan?”

Forcing a slight smile, she finally looked over to the older woman and nodded. “Yeah, sounds good to me.”

Although Seph could tell that her mother was trying, she was curious to know how much of it was genuine. They had never had a strong relationship to begin with, but that was expected given how her parents chose to put their careers ahead of their daughter. Seph used to be sad about it, though she stopped caring as much the older she got. Them not being around sure as hell didn't stop them from putting the pressure on whenever possible.

× × ×

“No, the doctors said her medications may make her…unlike herself for a bit.” The woman spoke in a murmur to her father upon their arrival home, as if Seph couldn't hear them.

“A bit? She's been on them for nearly a year now. How much time does it take?”

“However much it does, Chris. I don't know.” Her mother retorted, the annoyance evident in her tone.

Seph didn't hear much more because she had made it to the top of the staircase, now aiming straight for her bedroom. She just wanted to be alone for the first time in forever. No worries of nurses and doctors barging in, or the occasional fellow patient that tried to make friends with her.

There was a sudden halt in her steps when she entered her room. It definitely wasn't how she had left it aka in an utter mess. No, it was thoroughly cleaned now. Nothing out of place. Just as it usually was before things began to truly go downhill for her. Shaking her head to herself, Seph pushed her suitcase off to the side to tend to later, her gaze glancing over to her desk. Lying on top were multiple college applications, as well as letters from others she had applied to before leaving. Columbia, Brown, Dartmouth - ‘her’ top choices. Not really. Those were actually choices that belonged to her parents.

With furrowed brows, Seph carefully shifted the papers around. Her lips moved as she quietly skimmed over the gist of each letter, her anger bubbling with every word. All the letters claimed acceptance for this year’s fall semester.

“What the fuck?” She muttered to herself just before she abruptly pulled her hand from the pages. She couldn't handle this right now. The last thing she wanted to think about was what her father had been up to while she was gone. Paying off universities? That was a new low for even him. No way in hell would they have willingly taken her after everything, but Seph was sure their minds were changed as soon as her dad made a hefty donation. How many libraries or community centers now had their name plastered across them?

“Oh…you've already seen the letters.”

Seph lifted her head to see her mother standing in her doorway, a slight uneasiness to her.

“Well, they are on my desk. Seems like someone wanted me to see them.”

Marilyn, the snow queen in question, took in a deep breath and heavily exhaled while crossing the threshold inside. She immediately approached where Seph stood, her own hands frantically shuffling the papers together and then tucking them beneath her arm.

“No need to worry about those right now.” Reaching back with her free hand, the older woman then retrieved something before extending it out to Seph. It was her phone.

“I figured you could use a bit of normalcy again.”

Hesitantly, Seph accepted the device, slowly nodding.

“Thanks,” she lowly spoke.

This whole demeanor that her mom was portraying was very out of the ordinary for her. She couldn't help but to be slightly taken back by it. Maybe it made it appear as if she wasn't actually thankful, although she was. Who could blame her for being suspicious, though? After what had happened, this was the last sort of interaction she was expecting.

“Dinner will be at six, okay?”

Seph watched as her mother walked away, giving her a small nod in understanding. Once she was gone, she followed the same path she took, only to quietly close the bedroom door to allow her some privacy. There was then a need within her to get her phone turned on. She rushed over to the side of her bed where she typically had her charger plugged in, relieved to see that the cord remained. After inserting it into her phone, she waited a few seconds, then the Apple logo popped up.

A sigh of relief left her, her body lowering down to sit on the edge of her bed. As the device powered on for the first time in who knows how long, notification after notification began to flash across the screen.

grl are you okay??

i'm worried!

Alexa

Heard about your incident. Dramatic.

Seriously? Call me.

Stop being a baby. I'm sure daddy made sure you have your phone.

Sweden? That's laughable. You hate fish. You'd never survive on the cuisine.

No one believes that's where you are, by the way.

Your dad is fucking insane!!!!

Maisie

babe come on talk to me.

i’m not mad about you and emo guy.

maisie showed me the video but it's fuckin dumb.

lol can't believe you were gonna fuck him tho.

sweden?? and you didn't tell me?? wtf

Mason

OMG miss you!

damn it's gonna suck to not have any infamous Seph parties senior year!

Aw hope you have so much fun abroad! I loved it when I went!

u are not gunna believe wat i heard about u

Random “friends”

I miss you.

Noah

It was a horrible idea for her to read any of these, but she couldn't bring herself to look away. There were a lot that she deleted, most being from unknown numbers or people she hadn't even spoken to since way before all of this. Everyone obviously just wanted some entail and they thought going directly to the source would work out for them. Oh how wrong they were.

The last message she read was what really got to her, though. She assumed Noah had known the truth of what happened pretty early on, meaning that his text from only a couple of months ago was honest. That's what she was telling herself, at least. Every other text thread was deleted except for that one, then she started a new one.

‘Home. Need to see a friendly face.’

Seph stared down at the screen as if Nick would have already replied when she knew he was busier than usual these days. The band, working at a tattoo shop, it all left very little downtime for him and the others. But much to her surprise, the little gray bubble appeared, indicating that he was typing.

‘FUCK YEA DUDE!!’

'Come by the shop!’

'I'm here working on some pieces until probably 9’

It was impossible for her to explain how at ease she now felt knowing someone was excited about her being back, especially when that someone happened to be one of the only people she considered a friend. Getting close to Nick had come out of left field; definitely not done on purpose since she always felt like he only tolerated her for Noah. Who ever would've thought they would've gotten as close as they had while hours away? It was all strictly platonic, though. She looked at Nick as more of a brother type, and she knew he viewed her the same. Well…as a sister, but same sentiment.

After dinner, she would slip away and somehow make it to the tattoo shop Nick had mentioned a few times. Maybe she’d get lucky and her parents would do their usual routine of acting as if she wasn't even there, just so she wouldn't have to awkwardly crawl out of her window. Plus, that would also mean they wouldn't realize she had left. Perfect. All she had to do was make it through dinner…

Well, that wasn't currently going so well.

Her favorite meal had been cooked for the night, though her appetite was nearly nonexistent these days. Was it the mental issues? Or the meds she downed to help fix said issues? Either way, a few bites was all she could stomach.

“Not hungry?” Her mother spoke up first, her lips showcasing a sympathetic smile.

Okay, seriously. What the hell had gotten into her?

“No…not really. Sorry.”

Marilyn shook her head in a way to silently tell Seph that it was okay, but before she could verbally respond, her father was beating her to it.

“You need to eat,” he demanded as he eyed her from across the table. “It'll help you feel better to have decent food again.”

Seph stared at the older man, inwardly biting her tongue to prevent herself from saying anything too rash. No need to cause an argument on her first night back.

“I don't think I'll be feeling too great when this doesn't sit well and ends up in the toilet.”

A heavy sigh came from her mother, who then covered the sound by taking a long swallow from her glass of wine. Ugh, she should've snuck a few sips for herself before dinner began.

Although Seph could tell that there was something needing to be said that was right on the tip of her father’s tongue, he remained silent. The daggers he glared at her were loud enough. Before anything could be set off, she carefully slid her chair back and stood up.

“Where are you going?” Her father sternly questioned as she walked by with her sights set on the front door. Seph snagged a set of car keys and clutched them tight within her palm, fully prepared to make a run for it if she really needed to. Hopefully it wouldn't come to that.

“I just need some air.”

There was a start of a protest from her parents, but she didn't linger long enough to hear whatever it was they had to say. She was already out the door and closing the distance between herself and her mom’s car.

× × ×

It was a blessing that she knew downtown Richmond like the back of her hand or else she never would've found the tattoo shop tucked in along the congested street. There was a neon red ‘open' sign glowing in the window, but nothing beyond that really told you what the business was until you were right on top of it. Not too surprising to her that the guys would work somewhere low key.

There was a faint jingle from the bell above the door as she entered the building, though she figured the bell was only for show because the music playing inside easily drowned it out. A girl with multiple piercings shining on her face sat behind the front desk, and the opening and closing of the door caused her to look up at who could possibly be coming in near closing time.

“Hey…” she hesitantly spoke, though a polite smile was visible on her lips. “I'm looking for Nick.”

Piercing girl glanced over her shoulder and leaned back in her seat a bit as if trying to see something just out of reach.

“Do you have an appointment?” She questioned after returning to her resting position. “We aren't taking walk ins right now.”

“Oh…no…I'm just a friend of his.” Seph almost blurted out that she wasn't even old enough to get a tattoo, though she figured that surely would've gotten her kicked out. “He told me to stop by.”

“Seph?”

A familiar voice broke through before either of the girls could exchange any more words. She lifted her eyes to see Nick stepping through a door that led to the back, both of them sharing near identical smiles at the sight of each other. Seph slid around the counter and rushed over with quick steps, her arms immediately being thrown around his neck to embrace in a close hug.

“Peach!” She excitedly exclaimed while her arms squeezed him so tight that she was convinced she was cutting off his ability to breathe. Never had she and Nick really even touched, yet here they were, embracing each other as people within the tattoo shop awkwardly sideyed them.

“Your hair!” Seph gasped as she pulled back to look at him, her hands now grasping his shoulders. Nick mimicked her stance, laughing as her eyes scanned all around his face and the new tattoos he adorned. “You cut it!”

“People tend to get haircuts every now and then,” he continued to laugh.

“Yeah, but it's kinda all mullet-y now! I love it!” It didn't matter that he had a beanie on in the middle of the summer. She could still see those new layers.

“If you think I look different, then just wait until you see Noah. Dude has grown at least two - shit, sorry, Pom.”

The smile she wore began to fade at his mention of Noah, her grip on his shoulders loosening. She didn't like this reaction her mind and body immediately had to his mere existence being brought up. Hopefully this glitch in her system would work itself out.

“It's all good,” she shook her head. “I'm gonna have to face the music at some point, yeah?”

Nick gave her a sympathetic smile to accompany the gentle squeeze of her shoulder. He then nodded his head towards the door he had come from, motioning for her to follow.

“Come on, let's get away from all this fucking noise.”

Ushering her into the back room, Seph was greeted by what appeared to be a break area; a table with a couple of chairs, a fridge, couch, and all the other workings for people to be comfortable when working long shifts. In front of the couch there was a coffee table with different sketches strewn about it. She assumed this is what Nick had been working on.

“I had no idea you were doing tattoo stuff,” she muttered softly while approaching the coffee table to gaze down upon the drawings.

“You never asked.” Nick shrugged, his body bent to peer into the fridge towards the back of the room. “I mean, I never really asked things about you either, so I guess we're both assholes.”

Seph glanced back at him, extending a sheepish smile. “Sorry. I've had a lot going on up here.” She motioned to her head before lowering down onto the couch.

Nick was following suit not too long after, his hands holding out a bottle of water for her while the other clasped around a beer for himself.

“Hey!” She laughed, eying the other beverage. “Not fair!”

“What? You're not old enough to drink.” Nick chuckled while taking a swallow from the can.

“Neither are you!”

Although her eyes narrowed at him in a glare, she was only joking. She released a dramatic sigh, but then took the offered water and twisted the cap off. “You better be glad I shouldn’t drink with my meds.”

After taking a couple of sips from her water, she carefully placed the bottle on the coffee table and then tugged the sketchbook into her lap. She began to slowly flip through the pages, though she hadn't even bothered to ask if she could. Oops.

“How is…all of that going, by the way?”

“Fine, I guess,” she gave a single shoulder shrug. “Everything is amazing and perfect.”

Nick’s eye roll was so pronounced that she swore she heard his eyes somersaulting in his skull. He then sighed, his face telling her that he was not convinced.

“You're full of shit,” he smiled despite the attempt at a serious conversation that she was trying to shoot down.

Seph laughed, nodding. “Yeah, I am.”

With a pause in her page flipping, she glanced over to him, seeing that he was staring directly at her. There was no way he was going to drop the topic. As annoying as it was, Seph was a little…touched that Nick cared enough to actually ask. Not even her parents had.

“I don't really like them,” she honestly revealed. “They always make my brain feel like it's in a fog. I'm mega tired, nothing tastes good, and all I want to do is rot in my bed.”

A finger then tapped the page she had been staring down at, the drawing that of some sort of creature with horns. She had no idea what it was, but she liked it. “This is cool,” she complimented with hopes to change the subject.

Seph knew she should've known better than to even attempt it.

“Hey,” Nick tried to gain her attention, which she eventually gave him by lifting her head and meeting his gaze. “You know you can talk to me, right? Noah, too…he’d probably sing about it all night if you did.”

Offering a faint smile, she nodded. “I know…it's just hard talking to anyone about things, but especially Noah. Opening up has never been easy for me.”

As easy as it would've been for her to elaborate on this, she didn't. She wasn't trying to make this a pity party for herself. Coming by to see Nick was actually supposed to be the exact opposite of that.

Nick leaned forward a bit, his elbows resting on his knees and both hands grasping the beer can. “Talk. To. Him.” He further explained, this being his final attempt at trying to get her to do what they all knew needed to be done.

“You'll end up regretting it if you don't.”

× × ×

It was that conversation that landed her in the guys’ shared home the following night. Again she had left her own house without explanation; fully ignoring her parents on her way out. They seemed to be letting her do whatever for now, though she wasn't sure how much longer she would be able to push her luck. Whatever. They should just be glad she had finally ditched the sweatpants for a pair of shorts and slapped some makeup on her face for the first time in a year. It was minimal, but at least she cared enough about something to try.

Nick had claimed it was only going to be a small get together, but the ten to fifteen people mingling around told her otherwise. No, it wasn't anywhere near the level her parties had been, but it was still a bit much for someone in her current mental state. Seph was determined to power through, though. She was desperate to return to her old self. At least in some aspects.

“Oh my god! Sephy!”

There was barely time to react before Alexa was rushing to her, forcing her into a tight hug that she had not been prepared for. She still smiled, choking out a soft laugh as her hands hesitantly patted the girl's back.

“I thought I heard Nick say something about you being back! Oh my god! This is amazing! How are you?!”

While her and Alexa had been kinda friends before this whole thing, she wouldn't have considered them to be close. They were acquaintances at best, though she was assuming things were going well between her and Folio if she was still hanging with the guys. Guess that meant she would have to stay on her good side as well.

“I'm good! Yeah, things are going good.” Seph nodded once they had broken from the hug. She felt as if she was going to be telling this lie a lot going forward.

Alexa gasped and held onto her arm, her eyes going wide as she looked back to the room she had just emerged from. “Have you seen Noah yet?! He's going to be so fucking stoked to see you. I know it.”

Opening her mouth to speak, she wasn't even able to get a word out before Alexa was pulling her along to the next room. Her voice called out for Noah, repeating his name a couple of times.

“Look who's finally back from Sweden!” Alexa gently bumped her with her shoulder as she laughed, and when she glanced over to the girl, she winked at her. Huh, okay. Was everyone just going to be in on this joke?

“Sweden?” A guy with long dark hair that was pulled half back she didn't recognize spoke up, a bright smile taking up his face. “Hallå!”

Alexa laughed again as she reached out to his shoulder, shaking her head.

As much as Seph wanted to figure out what that was about, she was now far too lost in the other guy that stood in front of her. Noah. Her eyes stuck to him, unable to look away, though she didn't want to. He had definitely filled out some within the last year and his hair was much longer, but it suited him.

Also, when the hell had he gotten a neck tattoo?

NOAH

Persephone fucking Hill.

In his house.

Staring up at him with awe.

Fuck.

What the hell was he supposed to say? Good to see you? Wow, so glad you're free? Nice tits?

Okay, definitely not the last one. That was a bad thought for him to even have. But still, nothing felt like it would be the right thing to say after how things ended.

“Long time no see,” he then blurted out.

Goddammit. That was lame as fuck.

Noah could sense both Jolly and Alexa picking up on the awkward vibes because they took simultaneous swallows of their drinks and then slipped away in a nonchalant manner.

“I probably wouldn't have even recognized you if Alexa hadn't dragged me over here.” Seph chuckled, and he knew immediately that she was just as nervous as he was. That was a bit of a relief.

He wanted to tell her that that was okay because he would've spotted her within seconds. The words didn't leave his mouth, though. Actually, no words did. Noah continued to stare at her, both of them holding the other’s gaze.

No, he couldn't get caught up in Seph again. It wasn't good for him. It wasn't good for her. Neither of them were what the other needed. That's what he had been telling himself for a year as he tried to get over her. Noah wished he could say that it had worked.

“Noah…can we skip the weirdness of acting like we don't know each other? I've had a lot of time to think about how this would go, y’know, when we saw each other again, and every interaction I imagined was awkward…to say the least.”

Seph laughed as a hand lifted to tuck her hair behind her ear, her eyes tearing from his for a brief moment. He inwardly frowned when this happened, already missing the sight of her honey colored irises. But when she didn't look back at him yet, he finally nodded and glanced around the kitchen.

“Do you want a drink? I can fix you something.” Noah was already reaching for bottles before she could reply because of course he remembered her favorite mix: fruit punch and vodka. He found it revolting but he had a fond memory of her mouth dyed red one night when they sat in her backyard, and she was telling him some story he didn't remember all because of said red dye.

“Sure…but hold the vodka.” She placed a hand on his wrist to stop him from untwisting the cap of the liquor, the small touch like fire on his skin.

“I'm not really drinking at the moment.”

It then dawned on him that Seph was probably on some medications she had been instructed not to mix alcohol with. He was tempted to tell her that it would be fine because he did it all the time, but this maybe wasn't the time. Seph was a big girl. She could make her own decisions.

“Oh, yeah, that's cool. Just fruit punch it is then.” As he set the vodka bottle aside, he instead grabbed the juice and filled the cup half way before passing it her way. She gazed at him from over the rim while taking a sip, that sight alone making him weak in the knees.

Get it the fuck together, Noah.

“This is probably when I should tell you that I'm sorry…”

It seemed as if apologies at parties were starting to become their new norm. He couldn't say he was very fond of it.

Noah took in a deep breath before swallowing from his own drink, his head shaking while lowering the cup.

“You don't have to do that, Seph. Seriously. Ancient history.”

He watched as she shifted awkwardly before leaning a hip into the kitchen island they stood behind. She looked basically the same, though maybe a few pounds lighter and her hair was longer, just as his was. Noah assumed the former had to do with the lack of decent food, and probably just a lack of appetite all together. He understood how it could be when starting medications.

“I saw your text.”

Noah froze, his mind racing to figure out what she was talking about. He then remembered the one message he had sent a couple of months ago when he had been up way too late and lost in his thoughts. It happened a lot but he usually had enough self control to not message her. That night, not so much.

When he didn't say anything, she continued.

“I missed you too.”

That made him scoff, head shaking while taking another generous swallow of his drink. He looked off to the side as if interested in whatever his friends were doing, but he was actually trying to hold back his words.

Glancing back to Seph, her brows were furrowed in confusion.

Noah shrugged, fingers tapping against the side of his cup he held. “I need to talk to you about something.”

With no other explanation, he placed a hand against her lower back while gently maneuvering her out of the kitchen and to the opposite side of the house where his room was. Noah could tell Seph was lost, which wasn't a shock. He wasn't exactly being very forthcoming right then.

The door to his bedroom was quietly closed, then he was turning to look at her again. He expected her to be staring back at him, but she was actually slowly stepping around his room, studying the minimal items he had on the walls and on his desk. Clutter and knickknacks had never really been his thing.

It was then that Noah realized this was the first time Seph had been in his room, or just where he lived in general. They were always somewhere less personal before, until the night of her party.

“So, uh, your dad came and talked to me while you were gone.”

He had no idea how to approach this topic, though he figured it was best to do it sooner rather than later.

“I heard…” she murmured, her focus up on the framed images hanging on his wall. “That sounds like it was loads of fun.”

Noah chuckled, a hand rubbing nervously at the back of his neck. “Not exactly the words I'd use.”

“What did he want?”

A few steps were taken so he stood at her side, his eyes down on her while hers remained elsewhere. There was an urge to reach out and touch the bare skin of her shoulder, brush her hair aside, but he resisted by shoving his free hand into his pocket.

“He tossed out a lot of legal jargon, probably just to confuse me, but what I gathered is that he's thinking about pressing charges against Maisie. He also had a few choice words for me and our friendship.”

Seph then looked at him, head tilted up at just the right angle for their eyes to meet. Her figure shifted and turned a bit, both of them facing each other.

“I'm not going to let him press charges,” she exclaimed with a confidence that he hadn't been expecting. “Nothing happened in the video.”

Was she not interested in the last bit he had tossed in?

“He doesn't want us around each other.”

This made her softly laugh, her eyes rolling. “Of course he doesn't.”

“I'm not really su-”

“What do you think about that?” Seph cut him off, her eyebrow arched curiously.

Noah stumbled over his words a bit since he hadn't really thought that in depth about it yet. He figured he needed to see how things were between them first. And now that he had…he still had no idea.

“Do you want us to not be around each other?” She repeated her question with different wording, as if that would get an actual response out of him.

“No…” he hesitantly replied, a slight smile appearing.

“Then what he wants or has to say doesn't matter.”

Again, Noah was struggling to find his words. Fuck. This was not going how he wanted it to. He was supposed to be agreeing with her dad, telling her that it was best for them to stay away from each other. But nope, he couldn't bring himself to say it. How could he when she was looking at him like that?

“I really did miss you.”

Welp, that really cut his growing mood a bit.

“It's actually funny that you say that since you didn't make any attempt to talk to me.”

There was no way he could continue to bite his tongue on the matter when she just kept bringing it up…kind of. Inadvertently.

“But you talked to Nick…how many times? Multiple times a week for nearly a year?”

Seph bit down into her lower lip, her gaze dropping to the carpet in shame. Damn. Now he felt bad.

No. He wouldn't let her get to him that easily.

“I…I know it was shitty, okay? I didn't even mean to start talking to him. His Instagram was public so I was able to message him from a nurse’s account. I just wanted to check in…see how everyone was…but then talking to him helped keep my mind at ease when I really needed it.”

Noah now did an eye roll of his own, his feet shuffling back a bit so he could place some distance between them. That sure as hell didn't explain why she hadn't talked to him. Only why she hadn't contacted him first.

“Fuck, Noah. I was terrified to talk to you, is that what you want to hear? I didn't want to know how mad you were at me or find out what you thought about me after everything.”

“Mad? I wasn't mad at you, Seph. I was worried! You kick me out, I don't hear from you, and then I find out from Alexa that you're gone?”

A hand ran over his face, heavily exhaling. He definitely hadn't been prepared to have this conversation with her right then.

“And what do you mean by what I thought of you? I always looked at you like the sun fucking shone out of your ass, so why would that have changed?”

Seph was physically taken back by his statement. Her mouth fell open a bit, but then promptly closed. Head shaking, he could see the clench in her jaw. This told him that she was not happy.

“No, you looked at me like I was this perfect unobtainable thing! You were just as blind to everything like my parents were because you couldn't fathom the fact that someone you saw as sunshine was falling apart bit by bit everyday!”

It was Noah's turn to be taken back now. He stared straight at Seph, sporting a clenched jaw of his own that rivaled hers.

“I didn't want you to think of me like that, Noah. And I know it's ass backwards and doesn't make sense. Don't want you to see me as perfect…don't want you to see me breaking down…” Seph shook her head to herself, her hands moving about as she spoke at a rather fast pace.

“Believe me, I'm confused too.”

“You've got to stop caring so much about what other people think. If someone judges you for breaking under pressure, then you call them an ‘asshole’ and keep it moving!”

Seph had her eyes cast to the ceiling, her lips folded in for only a brief moment. He was waiting for her to say something - anything - that let him know she understood.

“It's not that simple.”

Nope. Not the response he was hoping to hear.

“But it is that simple, Seph. Why the fuck do you care about what other people have to say? Myself included.”

“I don't…” she stammered over the two words, and Noah could tell that even she wasn't convinced.

“Why, Seph?” He found himself taking a step closer to where she stood, his voice a little softer now than it previously had been. It hadn't been his intention to get so worked up, especially not when this was the first time they were seeing each other in what felt like forever.

Noah could see the tears welling in her eyes. He knew that she knew why. It was only a matter of whether or not she was going to reveal this to him. He wasn't going to push her, but he was well aware of how this all needed to go. Seph needed to admit it to herself.

“Because…I only feel worth anything when I know people like me.”

PERSEPHONE

And there it was. The truth Noah had been trying to tug out of her since the beginning of it all. It felt juvenile to say, admitting that people’s thoughts and opinions of her was what made her feel good about herself. Did that mean Maisie had been right about her? Was she only interested in Noah because of how he used to once look at her as if she was perfect?

No, she wouldn't let that be true. He was worth so much more than that to her, even if she had a horrible way of showing it.

“Fuck other people, Seph. They don't mean anything. Only the people who you feel like yourself around are the ones who matter.”

“And what if they see parts of me they don't like? Hm? What happens then? What happens when you realize I'm just some fucked up girl who isn't worth the hassle?”

Seph couldn't stop her voice from breaking as she laid it all out for him. If Noah wanted honesty, then that's what she would give him. And if he happened to run, well, at least she could say 'I told ya so’.

Instead of using his words, Noah was quick to cross the remainder of the bedroom to where she stood. His large hands enveloped her face and soon he was pulling her up into a kiss that made her heart race and her breathing halt, all at the same time. She was unable to stop herself from leaning into him, eager to have as much of him pressed against her as she could. It was just like they were back in her room a year ago when she craved to truly feel him. Definitely didn't take much for that need to return full force.

Seph didn't dare break from the kiss as her hand came up to grasp the back of his neck, her fingers briefly tangling into the long strands of his hair. She actually somehow managed to deepen the kiss even as Noah progressed forward, both of them taking in sync steps back to where his bed was.

As soon as she was lying back against his perfectly made bed, Noah followed right behind her. She pulled him down close against her, his lithe frame settling between her legs, knees pressed firm into his hips. One hand held himself up while the other drifted beneath the shirt she wore, just to feel the warmth of her skin against his own. Seph broke from his lips for mere seconds so she could rid him of his own shirt, which Noah took as an invitation to do the same. It had definitely been one.

“Noah…” she murmured into his mouth as they again collided in a heated kiss. As much as she didn't want to, she managed to pull back a bit, just as his fingers began to work on the button of her shorts. Though when she stopped, his hands also paused. Seph licked over her lips as she gazed up at him. She was then thankful for her flushed cheeks because that meant the blush creeping up was well hidden.

“I've never done this before…” she admitted, despite knowing that he probably already knew this from past conversations. As well as Maisie outing her during all of that commotion. There was just a weird urge she had to properly disclose the information to him.

Noah released her shorts, though his hands shifted to glide along her hips and up her sides in a soothing manner. “Are you sure?”

There was a pause and then he was shaking his head, laughing in slight embarrassment at himself. “Not ‘are you sure' you haven't done this because I think you'd know if you had. But are you sure that you want to…right now…with me?”

Of course she couldn't help but to laugh along with him, her nose scrunching at how flustered he had just made himself. Noah’s cheeks were now red with a blush and it was a sight she was hoping to always remember.

Seph sunk her teeth into her lower lip after their laughter had died down. She didn't want to hesitate with her response because she didn't want Noah to think she was second guessing anything. Maybe the timing wasn't ideal, considering there was a get together happening on the other side of the wall, but Seph wasn't the kind of girl who needed planning and rose petals. The social construct of virginity wasn't that deep to her, not like how a lot of people made it out to be. All that she cared about was trusting the other person and actually caring about them…much like how she cared for Noah.

“Yes,” she finally spoke with confidence, just so Noah knew she wasn't second guessing anything that had to do with him.

Noah then took in a deep breath, giving her a nod of his own before his head angled down and his lips trailed slowly along her neck. Oh, so now he was going to take his time?

“Just one thing…” she breathlessly mumbled after her eyes had fluttered closed and she was doing all she could to focus on the new sensations sweeping through her.

“Anything,” Noah continued to kiss and bite at the sensitive skin of her neck, his fingers returning to the button of her shorts that he managed to swiftly pop free.

Seph softly laughed, her hand lifting to cradle the side of his head in a way that made him pull back just enough to gaze down at her.

“Can you lock the door?”

CHAPTER FOUR JUMP

× End of chapter notes!: One guess as to where my eyes started crossing because I was beyond tired but needed to get this completed at a decent stopping point. :') ANYWAYYY, not me pausing halfway through and thinking, "is this about to become a Ruffilo fic?" A story really does write itself sometimes but NO. I had to refrain. But will there more little Peach and Pom moments? Yes. ♥‿♥

If anyone can tell me what the preferred chapter length is among the masses, then that would be greaaat. Stop me from my wild ramblings. Please. Unless you guys are into it and then I guess I'll just keep on truckin'.

#noah sebastian #bad omens #bad omens band #bad omens cult #noah sebastian fanfiction #bad omens fanfiction #noah sebastian fanfic #bad omens fanfic #noah sebastian fan fiction #bad omens fan fiction #nicholas ruffilo #noah sebastian x original character #noah sebastian x oc

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mithrifer · 1 year ago

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Okay this is that big HB S2 E7 post I promised yesterday!

Well, I'm saying big but like idk how long it'll end up being, I just plan on dumping everything inside my brain here. (should I have used another pic? dunno lol). Please excuse me if this is hard to read/is incoherent, I'm just rambling all of my thoughts out. I hope it makes sense at the end.

Where to start, where to start... I suppose I can start with Fizzy, he's kind of the connection point for Asmodeus, Mammon and all of their extra messy relationships. Which I want to dig right into!

So, Fizzarolli huh?

Now, I think Fizzarolli is downright adorable; which was only accentuated due to me watching episode 6 and 7 together, I had just found out not one but two episodes came out yesterday. I think I got some sort of fluff overdose because I told my friends something totally deranged after I was done, from which a surprisingly insightful conversation started, and I just had to share what I came up with there.

In this episode especially, though also a little in episode 6, Fizzy is just all over the place. And I mean that in the personal way. He's like a rollercoaster of emotions, diving into anxiety and doubt them surging into confidence and joy. Just a mess, really. I love him for that.

But well, from the reception I've seen of this episode, and this is purely anecdotal I am not some Helluva fandom expert, it seems like people think all of his stuff is just... resolved? Like the biggest danger people talk about is the future revenge Mammon is going to inflict upon our cute yaoi couple, or whatever!

I sure hope not! Because the way I see it, nothing about Fizzarolli's situation can be defined as "over".

So, Mammon is Fizzy's idol. He has been since the imp was five, he took him in when Fizz was at his most vulnerable, he built him into a giant sensation, he's the reason he knows Asmodeus at all, and Fizz still greatly cared about his thoughts and wanted to be "perfect" for him; the imp being keenly aware of all of this... All until Ozzy and he had a little prance around the dress room, and then Fizz made a really cool show all about how much his boss sucked and how he quit, then they all lived happily ever after.

Let's acknowledge the elephant in the room. Or rather the rooster.

Fizzarolli and Asmodeus' relationship is kind of sus when you think about it, isn't it?

I think this has been a thing ever since Ozzy was first introduced, but it was made especially clear to me during these last two episodes. So, what do you think of when you see the two interact? That they love each other very much?

Well, yeah! They do.

Okay then Mith, why did you take your time to point this out? Where's the sinister reveal? Does he beat our clown boy behind doors, or something?

No. But I don't think their relationship is healthy, either. I'd go so far as to say it's abusive.

The way Asmodeus and Fizzarolli deal with each other is certainly weird! More specifically, the way Asmodeus tries to handle his relationship. I doubt any of you would disagree with me if I said Asmodeus was controlling, but it goes beyond that. He is manipulative and untrusting as well.

First, let's explore the dynamics of their relationship. Asmodeus is the king of lust, one of the strongest and most influential demons in hell. He's caring, concerned and uplifting towards Fizzarolli, his boyfriend. Him, on the other hand, is a performer imp clown. A pretty famous one. Fizz is anxious and a perfectionist, but he's also upbeat, creative and also caring.

Fizzarolli, if episode 6 and 7 didn't make it evidently clear, is very dependent on others around him. Not only that, but those whom he is dependent on hold a sway over him. Whether its Asmodeus or Mammon, their words are arrows shot directly at his heart.

So it's certainly concerning when Asmodeus expresses how he doesn't want Fizz going out alone, finds himself "justified" in his beliefs twice, and also really just can't stand that other guy his poor boyfriend worries so much about!

What am I saying here, exactly? Why is Asmodeus trying to curb Fizzy's agency? Why doesn't Asmodeus trust him to make his own decisions? And why did he overstep his boundaries by going to that show?

Isn't it clear? Asmodeus loves him. He just wants the best for Fizzarolli. And that is precisely why he's abusing him. See, if Fizzarolli wasn't oh so fragile maybe he could go out on his own without being bothered, or if he could make coherent decisions that didn't involve giving himself panic attacks to please some fat asshole he wouldn't intervene behind his back, or if he could just let Asmodeus handle things everything would be just fine... Because Asmodeus can. He can and would do everything for him, and Fizz can depend on him.

I don't think he's even aware he's harming Fizz by not trusting him. I don't think someone who hated love until a few months ago, understands how to love. He only knows how he feels, and when he's with Fizz, with that smile on his face, he's happy.

I came upon this realization about their relationship right after the last scene. To get into that though...

Mammon

Asmodeus can't be that bad! I mean, just look at this guy? He doesn't even care for Fizz one bit! At least Ozzy loves him, Mammy was just using him!

You're sort of right! Asmodeus is so much better than Mammon. And Mammon is using him, which sucks! That's the part where you're right.

Mammon, does, however; very obviously care about Fizzarolli.

It shouldn't come off as that much of a surprise, I think. He spent years with him. He constantly carries two robot copies of him around with him. He is actually concerned for a moment when Fizzarolli is stressing out, even though he's mean and demanding. He loves his show, even if it's shitting on Mammon; and the list goes on.

But I don't think any character within the series is aware of that, including Mammon himself. The closest thing I can think of is Fizzarolli deluding(?) himself into thinking his idol does.

Fizz has the motivation to believe Mammon would care about him, after all. He practically saved his life, he's his idol, and he just wants him to be perfect.

But why wouldn't Mammon just be upfront about that?

Funny thing about owning things is that you don't really notice their values until you lose them. Still, you try and keep what you have. Mammon throws pageants every year, knowing full well Fizzy is going to win, even with competition. It does make a shit ton of money, sure, but there are probably better, easier, cheaper ways to promote his favorite. Why bother?

Fizz happens to come back every time. Which is great for profit.

Why did he get so mad when Fizz told him he quit? It certainly wasn't due to the crass words used. He loved that show, and begrudgingly watched even after realizing it was about him. So why? It's not like he lost out on anything. Fizz is just a clown imp. He's completely replacable...

Mammon is really greedy. He doesn't want to let go of Fizzarolli. Fizz is his. He spent way too much time and money on Fizz. He's had way too much fun with Fizz. And in the end, he's irreplacable, isn't he? Not out of any pragmatic or practical reasons, but because Mammon wants him. (read into this any way you want).

But... why does how Mammon feels about Fizz even matter? He's just reaping what he has sown. He deserves being abandoned.

You're completely right. Here is the thing though.

It isn't what Fizzarolli wants

Ummm Mithmints were you deaf or somethang? The fuck you song?

I won't beat around the bush this time, because I've already mentioned this. Asmodeus spends the entire episode trying to supplant the relationship between Fizzarolli and Mammon. He has every right to hold disdain for their incredibly toxic situation, but he goes behind his boyfriends back for this and even contacts his bestie for sabotage. So when Fizzarolli goes onto the stage ready to scream fuck you I quit (as he should) at the asshole who made him rise to fame, the asshole who was his idol from five, the asshole whom he wanted to be perfect for just minutes ago; right after an incredibly vulnerable moment where his sweet hunky boyfriend told him how he was just perfect the way he is and didn't need anything, after which they had a cute little dance.

For some reason, I don't think Fizzarolli is going to be very proud of his incredibly rash decision once the adrenaline goes down and he feels hesitation and guilt towards a deed done. If Fizzy had a rational moment to think about cutting things off with Mammon, I don't think he would pick the method he did, even with his love for performance. Because years of obsession and care don't go away with a two minute song. Don't worry though, Asmodeus will make sure he's more than happy with the path he picked.

...So?

Uh... What "so?"? Are you asking me if I was going anywhere with this? Well, definitely not anywhere specific! I kind of just wanted to examine their situations!

Okay, so, here are my direct thoughts based on what we established.

Fizzarolli loves both Asmodeus and Mammon (feel free to pick how for the latter) but he is very anxious and dependant. He makes a completely justified yet rash decision to cut Mammon off, something he will personally regret. Both of these people hurt Fizzy, but the former is a lot nicer about it.

Asmodeus loves Fizzy, and I don't think he was exaggarating when he said he was the best thing that happened to him during that scene. As a result, he cares deeply about him, and can't bear to see him get hurt. I think Asmodeus thinks that as long as Fizzy is safe and happy, everything is just fine. So he takes the initiative to keep Fizzy from harm, cut him off from assholes from his past, and even go behind his back to do these things. He doesn't trust Fizzarolli to lead his own life, but I don't think he realizes he even should. As long as he's around, Fizz can always stay with him and depend on him. As a cardinal sin, it's not like he's going anywhere. And with that other guy out of the way, Fizz doesn't have anywhere else to go to, even if he for whatever reason wanted to. (I do not think Blitzo could support Fizzarolli in such a way, don't get me wrong, he would definitely try, but I can't imagine it ending well. Their lives just contrast a little too much.)

Mammon just lost out on his favorite clown, and he's very upset about it. I don't think he can parse out why he's so bothered, exactly! It's just Fizzarolli. He just cut him off and quit. It's not like the king of greed needs a clown imp for anything. But I think he's going to feel that vacancy in his life. Like something has been removed and he just can't fill it back up. I can't imagine him being accustomed to loss with all of his avarice. I think he'll find he hates it more than anyone else could.

See Asmodeus and Mammon are like perfect opposites to each other. Asmodeus gives, and Mammon takes. Lust is two sided, while Greed just has one. They're both manipulative, but Asmodeus' nature makes him not even realize it, while Mammon revels in it. I think that's really fun.

So time to get into epic headcanon/scenario making time!

You know how Asmodeus used to think love sucked? Well, what if Mammon and Asmodeus were exes? See, Mammodeus (especially before and without Fizz) would be a complete disaster. The previous opposition would just completely drain Asmodeus as a person, while Mammon would grow spoiled and unsatisfied. I think it would be pretty traumatizing. But I can't really stop thinking about a post-Fizz version of it, maybe set sometime after canon in a universe where Fizz elects to dump Ozzy after noticing his agency being taken away. instead of reconciling with him. I think it would start out as hatesex disaster, but it would quickly evolve into something more substantial. I think Asmodeus would be able to build something great there, having learned how to be a better lover from Fizz.

To be honest any of the pairings or a throupling has massive potential with these three characters. I'm also a big Flitz(?) fan so it was good to see all the scenes between them too. But maybe that's a post for another day.

Feel free to tell me in the comments or reblogs how hard my takes suck and how fizzaozzy or fizzmodeus is 100% healthy. If you can convince me you get a gold star and a big kiss on the cheek!

#helluva boss #helluva fizzarolli #helluva asmodeus #helluva mammon #fizzarolli #asmodeus #mammon #fizzarozzie #fizzmodeus #mammorolli #mammodeus #i think im the first tagger for those two ships lol #mithpost #yaoi

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sluggybunny · 8 months ago

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boooooo game dev booo

(background image is not part of the game it;s a placeholder, i did not create it. the ui is made by me tho) i have been putting off ui stuff so much jdkfhkdsh please help

it's so hard because you have to make small pieces and try and put it together in your brain. ive done mock ups but there's still like so many windows and things to keep in mind. i still have to design all sorts of menus but if i can get the basic elements then its just arranging shit.

this is the main thing thats been like. halting dev on the game because i have to get the ui set up to properly implement all sorts of functions. i do alot of placeholder stuff but i find that it takes a lot of fiddling /going back to edit text and arrangments that i think i should get it out of the way first. i can polish it up layer, i suppose.

i have been paying alot of attention to the ui in games that i play to get some ideas. animations are gonna be hard to figure out.

other things achieved but lack cool visuals to wow and stun the masses:

i created a grid-based location/travel system. this means nothing to the player besides that the world should feel cohesive and put together despite the game being in 2d & text. there will be a mini map. the first area is a town & surrounding forest-y area. im very proud of the coding i did for the location system so please clap

inventory system is somewhat working. there are items and you can pick them up and they all have stats and descriptions. yay! The clothing system works too. You can dress up and the clothing all have style points so you can dress to impress or distress. It will be fun when I get to draw the icons for the clothing because I shifted the game's aesthetics more towards a whimsy victorian-esque thing and i have been endlessly scrolling through various lolita stores.

i created a way to store the npc's data in a nice way. i like objects so much even if it's pointless at times. it will be useful for the player's journal system, it will keep info on the npcs. npcs will have various stats to keep track of like love/dominance and relationship flags. and hopefully birthdays although i am running into an issue of "is this actually a good idea or am i going a little too kojima on this"

ive gotten pretty far for just 1 person and especially someone who doesnt have formal coding knowledge and is too anxious to dare ask any ppl on the forums. if i run into a problem i will just bang my head against it until i figure it out.

anyway idk bye i wanted to ramble bc im lonely

#>sluggy dev

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hannahhasafact · 1 year ago

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Gonna treat my tumblr like a journal and ramble some thoughts, feel free to read if you want:

Little by little, my apartment is becoming a place that doesn’t feel… embarrassing? Like being an adult woman, many of my friends and family my age have living situations that are nice. In some ways, I feel like my apartment still looks like one a college kid lives in, and it’s just embarrassing. I’ve never really had people hang out at my apartment because 1. There’s no space for people and 2. It’s just not a nice hang out space. But I feel like I’m getting better at making it a nicer space I think.

Related by why the fuck is my house constantly dusty I am ALWAYS DUSTING

I know there’s still probably a month until we find out about k-con artist alley but god the waiting is killing me. Like it would be incredible and awesome to get in yes but more than anything it’s the not knowing that is killing me oh my god. Probably won’t find out until the end of June and I’m dying (though I totally get why! I’m just so impatient)

I’m in this weird moment in my life where technically I probably have some sort of undiagnosed anxiety disorder but at the same time it feels weird to say that? Like what I mean is literally multiple people around me will be like “yeahhhhh there might be something up” and I’ve had physical reactions to stress in such a way, but it feels weird to say I have a thing without being like… actually diagnosed with a thing? Feels like I’m making excuses for myself.

In the same vein, I’ve been thinking about “Huh. Why am I having such a visceral response to anxiety compared to how I used to be.” And ngl I think it’s because I’m basically doing no physical activity? I’ve been a pretty physical person all my life and in the last few months it has dropped to like… zero movement. After getting covid, I allowed myself to not be physical mainly because holy shit it wipes you the fuck out. And then… I kind of just stopped moving. And it’s so hard to get moving again. Especially because I’m so tired all the time, but I know that physical activity helps with that drained energy! And I know it would help with my brain! And with so much! And I just… haven’t.

Every time I talk to my mom all she asks is if I have any job interviews. Which like… I get why she’s asking, but god it really sucks to have to deal with that on every fucking call with her. It feels like a check in that I’m failing at.

I know I need to be applying for more jobs but I also need to start working out and I need to be drawing more and oh maybe I should look into practicing trumpet again but I would have to go to a place to practice because I can’t do that in my apartment and I need to donate some clothes but first I have to wash them but also I should work on putting myself out there because I’m not going to get a date sitting in my house and I don’t need a person in my life but it might be nice because fuck man life is so goddamn hard on your own but also-

That’s where my brain is at most of the time and instead of doing anything I mute my thoughts with assorted media. So yeah that’s the vibe.

I’m trying to drink less because 1. It’s not good for me and 2. Pretty sure it’s making my anxious-ness worse but holy hell rewatching Ted Lasso really made me want rose or a pint of cider

This three day weekend has not been enough days, but at least I cleaned my apartment today

Bijou is doing alright. It’s strange because she has noticeably less energy, but like she’s okay. I’m still feeling sad feelings, but I’ve gotten to a more accepting vibe. Also it’s been weird how so many older people I know have been like “you should get another cat immediately” 1. She’s not even dead yet and 2. I’ve kind of gotten used to the idea of not having a cat after she’s gone. That might change, but right now it’s like 1. The emotional strain this has taken on me I can’t deal with immediately again 2. I’ve already been hemorrhaging money this year, a new cat would be a financial decision that i don’t think is smart and 3. Any living creature is a lot of time commitment, and I think it might be good for me to not constantly be worried about an animal at home and if they’re doing okay. Like I said: Bijou is still here, but I’ve obviously been having to think about this stuff a lot.

Tumblr this shit is so annoying please stop doing this:

I know how tags work on this fucking website

Anyways, those are just my rambly thoughts.

#ramblings #didn’t mean for this to be so negative but I guess I’m just kind of negative #I just needed to get the thoughts out of my brain to somewhere

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yutadori · 2 years ago

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soooooo on saturday i was already anxious before work so i just Supressed my emotions when i clocked in (did not work) and at first i thought it was okay but my anxiety transferred to my hands instead and that was . very extremely super unideal because i have to use my hands to make DRINKS..... it was so embarrassing because i was trying to do the simple task of restocking those little plastic lids for sauce containers when i just . spilled them everywhere on the counter and my head supervisor SAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE then i was like okay . okay i can be normal but i fucked up so many drinks oh mein gott i kept forgetting to put the toppings in first and i ALMOST gave a customer a drink without herbal jelly the scream i almost let out in our little tea shop.... then there was an extremely humilating illuminating moment when i was handing a customer their drink and my very nice (real) coworker gently took the cup from me to wipe off the streaks of brown sugar from the boba before handing it to the customer himself and i wanted to scream so so so so so bad it sounds so minimal and it was but then my head supervisor reminded me to wipe the cups right before giving them to customers which i HAVE done consistently but i just forgot that one time and she probably knows that !!! but i can't help but feel like because i forgot Once now everyone's like wow.... what a clown.... who forgets to wipe the cup before serving it to the customer (me) and these mistakes weren't necessarily Huge Mistakes but there was So Many and they all kept accumulating and with each mistake i grew increasingly aware of how much i was messing up and i was trying not to over apologize because i didn't want to make anyone mad or even more annoyed than they were and then it was like the two wolves meme where one wolf inside me was like don't worry mistakes are made all the time no one's mad everyone's nice but the other evil wolf was like absolutely not . everyone is so mad and annoyed and guess which wolf kept winning then once it hit the third hour of my shift i was able to go on my break and i couldn't use my phone because whenever i tried to read or look at anything all i could think about was my fuck ups and my anxiety so i tried sitting with my eyes closed + doing breathing exercises which didn't really help so i tried sitting so i was leaning forward with my phone in my hands and my forehead on my wrists + breathing exercises and for some reason that helped more?? it was a weird sensation because i felt relief but the anxiety was still . very much present . at a certain point i was worried if someone had come in so i opened my eyes and looked up AND MY SUPERVISOR WAS THERE.... I WAS LIKE OH FACK..... and i was stumbling on my words so bad she basically asked me if i was okay and i genuinely thought it didn't look bad but now that i think about it it must have . looked weird . anyway she walked up to me and crouched down next to me and i sort of rambled about how i was anxious about making too many mistakes and people getting mad at me and she was sooooo nice about it and pretty much told me what i needed to hear T__T she even said that i could let her / the head supervisor know if i ever need a moment to just calm down and i was like omg thank you girl.... T__T also it might have been because my brain was so insanely frazzled in that moment but i was like 'actually im glad that you said that because i really considered doing that but i was scared that it would just give you guys another reason to fire me' GFDSGFDSGFDSGF

#WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!#but she was just like omg nooooooooooo these things happen #and i was just like T___T i genuinely felt so relieved sniff..... sob...#sun texts

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xngelbug · 1 month ago

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hiii, i have a depressive episode pretty much every time i have my period and seeing as tumblr recommended this post “based on my likes”, i’m gonna use it as an excuse to ramble at 3 am

@/headspace-hotel is RIGHT, this sort of thing is NOT NORMAL and if you find that your period is causing you to have incredibly intense emotional symptoms, that may be a sign that something might not quite right and that maybe you should look into it!

for me, i actually have a disorder called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD. the shortest way i’ve heard it described is “pms on steroids” or “pms multiplied by 100”.

the long of it, is this:

PMDD is a hormone based mood disorder (more specifically, it’s a depressive disorder) that affects about 5-8% of the general population that’s capable of menstruating.

if you have adhd, your risk of pmdd goes up to 46%, and if you have autism your risk of developing it is 94%! if you have both, well.

the main symptoms of PMDD can change in presentation from person to person, like with many health issues but generally speaking, you’re gonna have allllll the symptoms of pms…plus a few additional ones.

the ones that i experience (and therefore have the most frame of reference for) are:

anger/irritability/a rage so intense it feels like not even god could understand it

exhaustion so bad i usually can’t stay awake during the day

intense mood swings, usually related to sadness or anxiety. it’s not uncommon for me to suddenly burst into tears over something small or to get so anxious i can’t leave my bedroom (not even to go to the bathroom or feed myself)

speaking of food, my appetite doesn’t just wane, it’s like it completely jumps off a cliff. which, considering i have (mostly) unrelated memory issues, is… not a very good experience to put it lightly.

brain fog! this is a symptom i’ve only recently started understanding, so i don’t have a lot to say about it

incredibly intense feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. it’s to the point that if i start feeling suicidal but can’t figure out why, my first instinct has become to check the date. and it’s ALWAYS because my period is coming in, like…. the next 10 days or so. this is the symptom that scares me the most, especially because a huge part of WHY i haven’t killed myself is that i now know what’s causing it, and i can’t help but wonder how many other people haven’t gotten that chance. it makes me sad to think about too hard.

typically, these symptoms will alleviate themselves pretty much as soon as your period actually starts, with most people saying they develop a “sudden clarity” that makes them feel weirded out or embarrassed by their behavior while their where in the midst of it… but there is a reason for all this, even if it doesn’t feel like it after the fact.

PMDD is a very serious disorder—it’s also under diagnosed and under researched (huh, a menstrual disorder that’s under researched, couldn’t imagine why that is…). no one is really sure what exactly causes it, though it’s thought to be related to a sensitivity to to the changes in your estrogen + progesterone levels during the luteal phase of menstruating (that is, the first 1-2 weeks before your period—also, on a slightly unrelated note, as a person who’s trans masc/trans neutral, i like to make the joke that this means i’m allergic to estrogen).

having another disorder, like pcos, can put you at risk of developing it, but seemingly so can things like going through trauma…. like i said, it’s under researched :(

there are treatments for it, though!

the first thing i’d recommend is therapy, if that’s an option for you—a therapist is actually more likely to just, like, generally be aware that this is a thing that exists than, say, your gynecologist might be. speaking to gynocologists about this issue has NEVER been helpful for me, i ALWAYS get shrugged off.

personally, tracking my period has been very helpful in terms of preparing for the inevitable (though you should probably be doing that anyways, just to be safe). i’m starting to change my diet a bit to accommodate it as well, and i’m also looking into taking vitamins, particularly vitamin b6, calcium, and magnesium, as these are supposed to help with the symptoms i struggle with the most (pls be cautious when introducing new stuff to your system, though, even if it’s something you do need)

if that doesn’t work (for me or anyone who may be reading this, i guess) there’s also the options of birth control, hormone therapy (i’ve actually read that people who take t experience almost immediate relief for their symptoms), and also a hysterectomy, though that’s usually considered a “last resort” sort of treatment.

some people also use anti depressants to treat it, usually by increasing usual their dosage just a bit (usually via recommendation from a doctor) or they’ll receive a prescription specifically to take during the 2 weeks before their period. this isn’t really an option for me (i am no longer on anti depressants but when i was, the dosage i was taking was already too high to risk raising it more…) but i figured it was worth mentioning!

interestingly, there have also been people who claim that allergy medication helps with their symptoms—something related to pmdd triggering your mast cells into releasing a whole bunch of histamines—but that hasn’t really been researched, so it’s a very “try at your own risk” sort of thing, especially bc most of the people i see talking about it typically use something called “pepcid ac”, which a lot of people are saying can mess you up if you’re not careful about it (but i don’t know a whole lot about that, so…)

so… yeah! if your period makes you depressed or suicidal, (or if you’re experiencing things like suddenly wanting to break up with your partner even though you usually love being with them, suddenly wanting to quit your job even if it’s NOT awful, or something else along those lines, only for that to magically disappear once you start your period…) that’s not technically normal, but you’re also not alone in that. you aren’t the only one that maybe feels like your period might be ruining your life, and not only are you not crazy or making it up, there are things you can do to make your life easier. you deserve to feel good, and not like the world is ending every two weeks.

i love you (platonic/non romantic) and i hope you have a lovely day/night.

Pre-menstrual depression is always depicted as like "He He! I had a box of icecream bars and cried while watching the Titanic!" But in reality, it's more like, "I'm standing the edge of an abyss. There is nothing good inside of me, I'm filled with rage and desperation."

It's crazy that being told how to deal with that is never a part of anyone's menstrual sex education.

#sorry that ended so awkwardly i don’t talk outside of the tags like. ever.#also i’m not trying to imply that op or headspace hotel do or don’t already know any of this or something #this is bc i’ve been talking about it a ton in therapy + i’ve learned so much about this disorder my brain doesn’t know what to do with it #itself*#i nearly lost it during my last therapy appointment bc my therapist pointed out that i spend 2/4 weeks a month—literally half—depressed.#then i spend the next week on my period. emotionally feeling a bit better but still havih to deal with the physical symptoms + dysphoria #bc again! i am trans and that *is* part of my personal experience!#and then i spend my final week recovering. only to have to do it all over again.#when do i get to live? when do i get to live?#this disorder has taken SO MUCH away from me #suicide mention

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truearchangel · 1 month ago

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Amidst the shock of being abruptly teleported to Michael's room, to his bed, and being clung to as if his life depended on an anchor, Alastor had been...quiet. The more observational side of his brain kicked in, and he just listened to Michael's panicked ramblings while rubbing his back.

He wasn't sure how to proceed, but he didn't want to leave him in silence, either.

"...Michael...I can tell you, in all honesty, that the way things have been between us is...very much not normal for me. I don't like being touched. I don't like people being in my personal space, I don't like talking about myself, I don't like physical affection, kissing, anything of the sort...it makes me uncomfortable and anxious...I'm not good at comforting others, so I prefer not to. I don't like PEOPLE."

His arms tighten around Michael just a bit more.

"I like you, though. And I can't explain it."

@diistortion

At least he didn’t push him away, that was something Michael could take reassurance in. It certainly helped keep him from panicking more than he already was, calmed the stress that was racing through his heart. Perhaps it was outrageous of him to instantly assume the worst because of what Alastor said, but how else was he supposed to take that? No use in getting attached. Personally, he thinks it far too late for that. For both of them. Michael is fairly certain he’s been attached to Alastor for a while.

It’s possible the Radio Demon is the only thing keeping him sane down here.

Like Alastor did with him he listened to what he said, clinging onto each word like a starving animal. It doesn’t surprise him to learn any of this. He had thought it was the case and he had gone for so long warning Alastor before he touched him. Until it got to the point where he felt like he didn’t need to do that anymore. The chair was probably the tipping point in that, in making him feel like he couch touch Alastor however he wanted.

It was the last part that caused him to feel surprised. The remark that it felt like Michael was the difference. He was made things better for Alastor, what made him tolerate the things he didn’t like. Affection, comforting, being around people. For someone who didn’t like those things, he was good at them with Michael, and from the sounds of it—was it because it was only him?

What does that mean though?

Is that enough of a reason to stay in Hell though?

Since coming down here, Michael never unpacked a single thing. He was ready, at the drop of a hat, to go back to Heaven. That was where he belonged, where he needed to be, the place he had to protect. Staying in Hell was never part of the plan, never something he ever even considered. This was Lucifer’s territory, his place of belonging, and his brother doesn’t want Michael here. How is he supposed to stay down here?

But he likes Alastor too. He really does.

“They feel pretty normal.” This, the things they’ve been doing, have been the easiest part of anything he’s done down here. Spending time with Alastor, clinging to him, kissing and touching him. They feel normal, they feel comforting. And they’re not something he wants to lose.

Turning his head to the side on Alastor’s chest, he pressed his ear flat to the Radio Demon’s chest and listened to the soft sound inside. The steady thump, thump, thump, of that beating heart. Slower than a humans he’s sure, but still pleasantly beating inside his chest. His arms loosened from around Alastor’s neck and slid down, instead looping around the other’s waist and holding him gently. Less like he was about to escape and leave Michael sitting here all alone.

“To be honest, Alastor. If Lucifer ever asked me to leave, you have to know I would.” It’s Lucifer, it’s his brother, his twin. However, he doesn’t know if it’ll ever come to that. He can never tell what Lucifer is thinking anymore. Especially since it seems like his brother is avoiding him.

Turning his head around he raised his gaze up to Alastor’s face. “However, in the meantime, and if it never comes to that. Maybe you can help me unpack?” There’s a gentle tug on the back of Alastor’s coat. “And maybe… we can just use your room? I like it more in there.” He feels safer in there, and it has Alastor.

#diistortion #○ — 「 verse 」 the sword of god.#○ — 「 asks 」 prayers answered.

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someonesomewheredown · 1 month ago

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Random OC rambles, some of which to provide context to future rambles but mostly just brain dumps

Originally they were spirits in a spirit world but now I've kind of decided against it just because I feel like that sort of goes against how I want their story to be about living. So now they're just normal furries lol

I'm still pretty attached to the ideas I had for the spirit world though so I'll save that idea for later. I think it'd actually make a pretty cool guidebook "story" since most stuff I come up for it are just the setting rather than the characters living in it. That's a project for another time though

Can't remember if I actually mentioned it here but at some point I decided that Bud (dog, specifically a shih tzu) has a terminal illness. This was originally because my idea was that spirit's lives mimic their real ones (basically they'd live for a similar time, die a similar way, have a similar personality etc) and I needed an explanation for why Bud died young enough in the real world for another character to have "lived" to see both his current incarnation and his past, more long-lived incarnation before she herself "died" and reincarnated back on earth. Eventually I decided on him having progeria, which is a rare genetic disorder where children experience physical symptoms of aging such as issues with bone + heart health, hair loss, growth + weight issues, etc. Since he's no longer a spirit my original intention for him being terminally ill doesn't really apply anymore, however I still want him to keep that aspect of his character. I definitely still need to do more research on it, though, so if anyone happens to have good resources on it let me know!

Since design-wise Bud is partially based on Spanish Moss I'm trying to experiment with giving his new anthro design long, coily hair to match the plant

Idk what exact kind of hair I want Lo (Bud's older sister, cat) to have but at minimum I think she'd have a basic buzz cut. This is partially because I'm still pretty attached to her original non-humanoid design and giving her a lot of hair feels weird

Doran (their dad) is a frilled lizard. Not sure if he'll have hair but if he does it'll also be long and coily. My thought was that it'd run down his head in-between where the frills are

Being a young kid, Bud wears a lot of colorful and comfortable clothes like shorts and t-shirts, although usually he'll wear something underneath like a long sleeve shirt and leggings/long socks to keep his joints warm + more flexible. He definitely has a pair of light-up sketchers at some point in his life

Lo wears a lot of long + thick + soft fabrics like sweaters and sweatpants. She tends to be pretty anxious and being comfortably covered up tends to make her feel "safer" in stressful situations. In the warmer months she tends to switch the sweatpants for long skirts or pantyhose. Sometimes she'll also follow the "short top, long underneath" format with long sleeves + a vest or a short skirt + long pants but this doesn't usually happen unless she's intentionally trying to look more "fancy" or "professional"

I don't have as much of a grasp on Doran's personality outside of "generic dad" but at the very least I think he'd wear a lot of business-casual stuff like polo shirts and khakis out of habit. He probably has a decent collection of silly ties although I don't think he wears them often

#ocs #bud #lo #doran

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iexistfor1post · 6 months ago

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Rambly I think

I think my brain really needs to accept that I am never, ever going to calm down. I guess

What I mean is my brain needs to accept that changes are going to happen and that I'd rather not be anxious twenty-four seven

I'm still having to get used to having to change my Messenger app. And so i'm anxious about it now

Too many changes and my brain hates it

Like i've only kind of gotten used to my new phone despite having it for a couple months now

It is just very clear to see that my brain has been running on anxiety

With just a flick, they switch if it's on or off at the moment

And even then, it's always like a tiny bit of anxiety, is there and it's stupid stupid, it's stupid

I was gonna draw, but anxiety just made me wanna go lie down?

You know, hide under the covers. Listen to youtube for hours instead of doing something that was bringing me joy

Not that watching youtube doesn't bring me joy

The thing is, it is bad to not have good sleep for anxiety and other issues I guess

But ISO badly went to sleep-deprived. Myself so my brain will not be really anxious, so I can get used to shit

Cause. How can my brain work when it has to focus on not sleeping hmmm

...

It makes me sad to think that despite all the stuff that I love. In like present day and stuff, I like and stuff I liked in middle school and high school

It makes me sad that I honestly wish I was still a kid in the early to mid 2000s to early 2010s

Mostly the early to mid 2000s

Like I do get joy in the everyday. Of my life, I guess sort of

But there's just a part of me that's just longing for when life was just easy for me

And like it was always kind of easy, I didn't have to really do anything

Like I did have some fun in high school and middle school. But I am not missing it, I guess

I just think being a tiny child is what's bringing peace. Or something like I don't know like why?

What about being a small child makes me long for it

You have no freedom as a tiny child

...

Do I just wish to be cared for in a certain way???

Like I am an adult but I still live with my parents

I don't have to pay rent

I help with groceries

I have a job

I am technically secure because of my parents

Try as anyone might, but nobody can convince me that the world isn't scary

Like I think I'm kind of breaking down despite literally having fun. This entire day so far

All because of a stupid message app being different to the one I had for around a decade or something.

It is stupid

...

I am stupid :(

It's like I feel trapped but I don't want to go anywhere. I don't wanna be free

But like I'm that sad creature in the cage

Like me. Typing this down is me trying to bring peace to myself and help my brain

I feel like I'd go in circles sometimes

It is the same post almost every time

From what I turn from, I was never good at change

I didn't like it when I had to move. But that just sounds like a normal kid thing

But literally a year after moving my anxiety started, I guess

Like the 1st day of school, my nerves made me feel sick. In almost every year after that, it was the same thing for the first day or two

But I was still a kid and I was having fun in life. I just wasn't good at making friends

Looking back now I can say the internet wasn't a good thing for me

It still isn't

Cus the internet became my escape

It was fun and is still fun but...

My social skills suck

I have no drive in life

It really just feels like I want to be hand held in life

My love for school died in middle school so I never want to go to college

Excuses excuses excuses

It isn't even like I wish I was born in a different time period

I am pretty sure I would flail there also

Especially since my anxiety is bad

Also btw even though no one reads

I haven't been diagnosed with Anxiety but I think by reading and stuff we can tell I have it

....

Also as much as I don't want to think about it I could have depression

Like idk

I know my maternal grandma has depression

My mom I think as anxiety and I think depression but idk if diagnosed

My nieces have depression and I think one of them as anxiety

My brother has anxiety (and adhd)

Like something definitely runs in my family

I mean, I could take "fun" online quizzes

Maybe laughing at my "pain" will help.

===

Took one for just anxiety not anxiety disorder

I got High Anxiety... 75%

To which the random quiz says It could be anxiety disorder

Uh huh yeah no I kind got that when the past couple months have been on and off in trash feelings

Quiz told me to get therapy then (as it needs to say) that it isn't professional advice

Shoot I took their anxiety disorder quiz and got 75% there also

Which makes sense even though the questions were different enough

I never know how to a answer the panic attack question cuz it also seems to be hyperventilating which I almost never do

I get shaky and my heart pound and I pace even more than I normally do

That doesn't sound like a panic attck

Though I do also want to go and hide but like that also doesn't sound like a panic attack

Took another of their quizzes

Highly anxiety personality 62&%

I honestly don't know ow where I was going with this

I left and came back to this 3 hours later

I am feeling slightly better now

#vent

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justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms · 1 year ago

Note

Hi! Could I receive a male matchup for Honkai Star Rail and Genshin Impact, please? If they’re open! Thank you!

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: Straight

Zodiac/MBTI: Taurus/INFP

Appearance: I’m quite short and petite at 5’2 lol I’m also very fair skinned. In general, I’m just told I’m rather frail looking (ppl have told me I look like a doll bc of my baby face and pale skin 😭).

Personality: I’m rather shy, quiet, and anxious around people I don’t know too well. I think I come off as sort of on edge a lot. But once you get to know me and I’m comfortable, I open up more. I love to ramble about anything and everything I find interesting (I try not to but I get a little carried away sometimes lol). I love to learn new things and learn MORE about what I already know which is why I love documentaries and video essays lol. I think I may talk too much sometimes, so I try not to talk too much to strangers as to not scare them off lmao. I have trouble making friends because of my shyness, but I just try to keep myself busy instead! I like to try to think positively :)

Hobbies: singing (non-professionally), rhythm games, video games, and watching video essays/documentaries especially true crime and horror. I’m also studying Psychology rn and hoping to become a neuropsychologist in the future! I love learning about the brain and its effects on behavior.

Likes: my hobbies, cute things!! (dogs, babies, kittens, etc.), pastel colors, cute fashion/jewelry

Dislikes: emotional immaturity, bugs (terrified of them), a lack of empathy but also logic, hot weather

Also idk if it matters but I’m hard of hearing as well! I hope this isn’t too long :’) Thank you in advance for the matchup!

Hi Anon! Thank you for your request! I hope you like your matchups!

In Honkai Star Rail, I match you with...

(I'm not super familiar with Jing Yuan yet so I'm sorry if this is a bit out of character.)

I think your best match would be Jing Yuan. He's emotionally mature and is also very logic based; things that you value in a person.

Thinks your interest in psychology is admirable. As a General, Jing Yuan needs to understand the thoughts of both the people under his command and his enemies so he's fairly knowledgeable about psychology himself.

If you have any questions about psychology, run them by him. There's no guarantee that he'll have the answers but the chances of him having at least some kind of answer are high.

Thinks your adorable for liking cute things. He usually has to deal with things that are less than cute (like swords, war, and the aftermath of fights) so you're a nice breath of fresh air.

Jing Yuan loves listening to you sing. He'll hum along with you if he knows the song but he doesn't want to block out your voice. He thinks you've got a lovely voice and he wants to hear as much of it as possible.

Following on from this, he also loves listening to you ramble about your interests. He may not seem like he's listening sometimes but when he gifts you a piece of jewellery you mentioned in passing a few months ago, you can be sure he's always paying close attention.

In Genshin Impact, I match you with...

You and Kazuha are the quiet couple that people love hanging out with!

One of the best listeners in the entirety of Teyvat. He'll only interrupt occasionally to make a comment on your story or ask a relevant question.

He pretty knowledgeable about a wide variety of things because of all of his travelling and he's more than happy to talk about them with you. It expands your knowledge, as well as his own.

Kazuha will write poetry about you and your interests. He'll leave them in places where he know you'll find them.

He'll always sign his poems to you as "Your Secret Admirer", even though it's pretty obvious they're from him. He's just a big romantic at heart.

Will make jewellery for you. He can never find the perfect piece when he's out and about so he'll just make it instead. That way he can put all of his love and affection into his gift as well.

Will get rid of bugs for you. They don't bother him but he doesn't want you to feel uncomfortable.

Kazuha would love to sing with you. He's got a good voice, albeit a bit soft and he'll always harmonize with you well. He also knows a lot of songs so no matter what you start singing, he'll soon join in.

#writing #fanfic #matchup #matchup request #request #honkai star rail #jing yuan #genshin impact #kazuha kaedehara

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issafterglow · 2 years ago

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tranquil - 19th of march

hi !! ummmm okay so to start i only made this blog because

my friends don't use tumblr

i'm trying to avoid bombarding my friends with my pointless ramblings and

someone close to my heart said that if i'm having trouble being vocal about my feelings to other people, either a journal or a blog would be a good tool to utilize so that i don't feel suffocated by my own mind.

ewan ko if i expressed all of that correctly pero that's what i'm here for. to learn how to express my emotions well using a language our colonizers forced upon us :/ kimi! anyway ang dami kong kwento for todays videow since ang dami ring ganap sa life ko lately. i had to enroll for 2nd semester, i started writing again, i went to a beach, and i'm recently trying to get into another book universe.

very hassle ang 2nd semester enrollment namin, i had to wait for weeks para lang makapag enroll because of our stupid school portal. i worried a lot pa na i would spent my whole getaway sa beach worrying about the enrollment kasi yung alis namin for quezon is march 18 then yung last days of enrollment namin is scheduled on march 17-18. march 17 nang tanghali wala parin yung link !!! unfuckingbelievable so nagwoworry na ako kasi, sa 18 aalis kami nang super aga tapos idk how much time it would take pa to arrive at the resort so i was getting anxious but !!!! thankfully nag open yung link around 4 something in the afternoon. i enrolled, finally have a copy of the cor na din BAD NEWS IS: terror profs namin this sem. and this is like legit kasi kinekwentuhan na ako nung kaklase ko from another course about it kaya i had a mental breakdown that same night of march 17. i sort of relapsed, again !!! grabe i was crying my ass off talaga kasi i was thinking the whole time na, uy i have just adjusted from my 1st sem profs, alam ko na galaw nila and then this happened and it looks like this time i have to face scenarios i was trying so hard to avoid for 1st sem. although i am there naman, i am at that part of my life where i want to come out of my comfort zone, hindi ko alam if kaya kong mag commit fully since i'm not exactly at peace with myself just yet. i can already anticipate the amount of relapses i would get. pretty sure mapapahiya ako. and i dont know if i have friends who would still treat me equally if i fuck up over acads so ayun hehehehe uni's so hard. probably new adjustment nanaman for 2nd sem. finals pa namin is birthday ko huhu so ayun. at this point i guess the only thing that i can really do is take the advice of the former students ng prof ko and really devote my life to studying starting now. that's just that. i have to survive and conquer this time.

anyway acads aside,,, life at the beach was fun !!! although we only spent a day and a night out there, it was everything i needed. i forgot my problems for a short while, tapos i made new friends too!! people who are older than me pa ^^ idk if i can still call myself an extrovert pero i swear i love meeting new ppl !!!!! i think i have established a connection with them naman so ayun happy heart nanaman and also new memories agaiiiin :)

very very helpful din yung beach getaway namin for my writer self (wow??? ansaveh) kasi while nasa byahe kami i had time to think about the next step for my story ^^ haddd so much fun with that talaga i love it when i can rack my brain for angsty shit hehehe i have always been anxious about readers' thoughts sa gawa ko when it hasn't even been executed yet. kaya lagi akong nags-stall sa pagsusulat pero ngayon i think i'm gonna push through with this one. it might take a while for me to finish it pero i will get through it. i will. kasi this time i'm only giving a fuck about my opinions alone mwehehehehhehehe. i'm not exactly writing a book but i have been wanting to prove to myself that i can write kahit papano and that i can also touch people's hearts with my words.

speaking of books !!! waaaaah I'M DONE WITH FOLK OF AIR SERIES naiiyak ako why is it so bitin :( i miss jude and cardan fr. di ko muna babasahin yung kay oak kasi wala pa yung 2nd book and i hate cliffhangers !!! so next time !!!! BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I READ NEXT?? i was contemplating between a tjr book or another fantasy book but of course i chose the latter and girllllll I AM LOVING THIS. i'm currently reading shadow and bone tapos grabe akala ko it would be all about fae's lang din and shit so i was hesitant diba pero naurrrr it's like medieval with sci-fi stuff in it grabe i love it !! i love grisha people even though i know so little about it palang pero i am already drawn to the universe !!! saya so much i'm gonna read it tonighttt hehehehhehhe ayun lng !!!!

for the life update, ito lang handog ko for now. mom's going to use the pc na !! wish me luck i hope things work out well in the end.

may the stars align.

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asfdhgsdkjhgb · 2 years ago

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oh shit new tma gonna happen: 👍

one of the nice things about listening to it currently being the fact that it already ended a bit ago so i dont have to deal with the stress of being up-to-date on it or having to deal real-time fandom things i can just enjoy it in my own time and there is a set "end" that is already established and also since it all had already came out i can binge listen and not have to worry about running out of content because as i already mentioned there is an end that's already established and set and i know what it is. but now that i know in the future there is going to be new content it completely throws out all of those aspects: 👎

#posted this exact thing to instagram but im making yall see it too bc ik a good amount of my beloved mutuals are also unnormal abt tma #just me rambling again #vent post #(pretty much) (it is me just sort of rambling my anxious brain)#genuinely im really hyped for more content but also god im so bad at keeping up with things while theyre coming out #im going to fall so behind and get so incredibly stressed about it and im not going to be able to avoid seeing active fandom things #and im also worried where itll be like heartstopper where its like hehe!! brain thing its a little my thing that i really enjoy and then #suddenly new stuff comes out that brings it to more popularity which it totally deserves!! but now i have to deal with people at #school talking about it and i have to constantly see bad takes and im constantly surrounded by people who like it but who like it in a #different way than i do that makes me uncomfortable and AUGH #guys im a normal amount of anxious about things (lying)#i get a normal amount of anxious about things that objectively are awesome and i am hyped about (lying)

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chisatowo · 4 years ago

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Sorry for posting cringe do you still think I'm hot

#rat rambles #/j #I pretty much always get super anxious when I start posting about a new ship so ignore me djzjsbsks #my brain likes to just sort of decide that the things I like suck and everybody hates me for them #uh wait woops #rat vents #Ill be fine though! /srs #like I said this is pretty normal for me Ill get over it #mostly at least

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h0neypjm · 4 years ago

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Just for practice | kth

↳ Summary: “I think we should normalise giving head to your friends as practice.”

↳ Pairing: Taehyung x Reader, slight Hoseok x reader

↳ Genre: Smut, pwp, some plot i guess, best friend! Taehyung

↳ Rating: 18+

↳ Word count: 5.3k

↳ Warnings: swearing, lip biting, hickies, oral (both female and male receiving), rough blowjobs, spanking, fingering, squirting, big dick! Tae, possessiveness/jealousy, unprotected sex (wrap before you tap pls), dom/sub themes, Taehyung calls reader lots of pet names (sweetheart, darling, good girl), degradation, biting, slight cockwarming

↳ a/n: I’ve been having major writer’s block while writing confident :( however, i saw this tweet which prompted this lil oneshot hope you enjoy

Jung Hoseok [ 2:15 PM ]

Am I gonna see you at Seokjin’s tomorrow?

You [ 2:16 PM ]

I’ll be there :)

Jung Hoseok [ 2:18 PM ]

You’re not gonna run away from me this time, right?

You [ 2:20 PM ]

No of course not haha

Jung Hoseok [ 2:21 PM ]

Is that a promise princess?

A sigh flies out of your mouth like wind through a window and you’re shucking off your glasses in an instant. Hoseok’s texts bringing back a flurry of memories that you wish to forget.

“Do you need help with your essay again?”

Your eyes are strained when they try to focus on Taehyung, your shoulders shrug in defeat. “No, I’m fine. It’s just-”

Taehyung knows immediately, he is your best friend after all. “Let me guess, It’s Hoseok isn’t it?”

You slump in your seat while a pout is cutely drawn onto your face, you nod with dismay. “I really like him Tae, and every time we see each other, It’s like the universe has it out for me and tries to make sure I embarrass myself in front of him.”

Taehyung shuts his laptop because he knows there's no use in trying to write an essay while you speak about your utterly tragic love life. He thinks about your situation for a minute before he speaks.

“Yes, you might’ve spilled your beer on him and accidentally punched him in the eye, more than once. But, if he’s still texting you he’s obviously still into you. It’s a good sign sweetheart.” Taehyung pats your hand across the coffee table, a comforting smile adorning his handsome face.

Taehyung doesn’t know the full extent of your problem and the more you think about it the more embarrassing it becomes. So you smile back at him uttering a small thank you before turning back to your laptop.

Taehyung raises a brow, “wait, wait, hang on, something is still bothering you.”

You frown, “it’s embarrassing.”

Taehyung shuffles around the corner of the coffee table as if you’re about to tell him a secret, though it’s just the two of you in his small apartment. “Just tell me, it can’t be that bad.”

“Taehyung it is that bad.” You tilt your head at him, pulling up the sleeves of your sweater around your tiny fists. “You’re gonna laugh at me.”

Taehyung feigns shock at your words, his hands placed on his heart for dramatic effect. “I would never laugh, and frankly I’m offended you think that low of me.”

You roll your eyes, turning your body more towards him, deciding it wouldn't hurt letting Taehyung know the thoughts plaguing your mind. “Well, you know how Hoseok and I have been kind of flirty lately, right?” He nods in understanding.

“I can tell he wants more than that, you know? His touches are small but I know exactly what he’s suggesting, and don’t get me wrong, the feeling is completely mutual because trust me I want that too. Really bad.”

Taehyung hums, interrupting your soon-to-be graphic rambling. “I totally get it Y/N. Now let’s stop beating around the bush so I can help you.”

If Taehyung were a girl, this would be so much easier. You curse your eight-year-old self who just had to become friends with a boy because God, how do you even start?

Taehyung is a patient man, always giving you space before helping you but, in this situation, you feel it’s best to just rip the band-aid off. Taehyung if you can read my mind, please don’t laugh at me.

“I’venevergivensomeoneablowjob.”

You speak so suddenly, Taehyung’s not so sure he heard you correctly. “Huh?”

“Goddammit Tae”, you rub and your temples and avoid his stare. “I’ve never given someone a blowjob!”

His eyes are wide. “Oh”

You hide your face into the table while your body internally cringes. At least he didn’t laugh. “See! You do think it’s bad.”

“I’m just surprised to be honest”, he reassures, leaning back onto his palms, strong brows pulled together in thought. “Shit Y/N, have you really never sucked a dick before?”

Sure, you’ve had sex many times (most of which have been extremely disappointing) but, it seems that most of your hookups want to get straight into fucking. No foreplay, no nothing. Just unseasoned, pleasureless fucking.

A groan rumbles out of your throat, “It just never happened! They were all about that hump and dump lifestyle I guess.”

Taehyung is utterly baffled at your statement. In Taehyung’s books, It is compulsory to treat every women like a queen. Preparing and edging them the perfect amount of times to see them crumble so sensually by his very doing. To Taehyung, seeing a woman cry out his name from experiencing the most explosive, leg-shaking orgasm was always his favourite part.

This is why Taehyung is absolutely shattered for you. “So, you’re also telling me no one has ever eaten you out?” You miserably nod, “that’s actually fucking evil!”

His words do not ease you one bit as you throw your head onto the seat behind you. “The way you say it makes me feel even worse. This is the sole reason why I run away from Hoseok and make a fool out of myself.”

Taehyung doesn’t say anything, the air floating around carrying an awkward silence. You don’t really care and you don’t expect Taehyung to think of a solution. Plus, you’re already embarrassed enough.

You might as well leave and ask one of your girlfriends for help, maybe finish your essay while you’re at it. You sigh, shutting your laptop and stacking your books together.

However, the next sentence that flies out of Taehyung’s mouth makes you stop dead in your tracks.

“I think I’ve figured out how I can help you.”

Wiggling back into a comfortable seating position, you lean into Taehyung with interest. “And how might you help me, dear Taehyung?”

He eyes you nervously, his fingers fiddling with his chunky rings, “You trust me, right?”

You smile, “yeah, of course, you’re my best friend Tae.”

An exhale puffs out of his mouth. “Why not practice on me?”

You almost choke on your spit. You definitely did not expect him to say that. “Could you repeat that please?”

A new glint of mischief sparkles in his eye. “Why not let me teach you how to give Hoseok the blowjob of his life and in return, I’ll eat you out”

Your brain is having a meltdown.

“You’re fucking crazy”, you wail. “You actually want me to suck your dick?”

He brings his hands up in defence, “I think we should normalize giving head to your friends as practice, I don’t think it’s such a bad idea. Think about it, you get to learn and cum at the same time.”

You won’t lie to yourself, the proposal is tempting and in all honesty, Taehyung is hot as fuck. You will forever thank the Gods above for blessing you with the delicious sight that is your best friend. However, the proposition puts you in an odd spot.

Apprehensive about your thoughts, you state your unease, “I-I don’t know Taehyung, don’t you think this might ruin our friendship?” An exhale, “have you seriously thought of me that way?”

Taehyung chuckles, it’s deep and totally unexpected to your question. “Sweetheart, there are many things that go on inside my head involving you. And to answer your question, they’re not completely innocent.”

A startled gasp is ripped from your throat and your stomach flutters with a dangerous mix of nervousness, thrill and dare you say arousal.

Never in your life would you have imagined Kim Taehyung, your best friend since grade school, seeing you in such an inviting way. To make matters worse, It was intimidating to think about his fair share of experience and the long line of women backing up the fact that Taehyung was indeed some sort of sex demon.

Of course, you felt the same way. How could you not! The man was practically an incarnation of a Greek God. Broad sturdy shoulders that sat atop thick muscular thighs, and how could you forget his gorgeous fingers.

You’d die before you admit it, but there have been many nights where you have found yourself thinking about what his pretty long fingers could do to you. Those nights always ended with a mess of your sheets and a wetness between your thighs. It was your dirty little secret, however, it seems Taehyung also had some of his own.

His sharp eyes storm with darkness when he speaks, “don’t lie Y/N, I know you’ve had some dirty thoughts about me up in that pretty little head of yours.”

Pink blossoms over your cheeks like wildfire because he’s so terrifyingly right. “I don’t even need to touch you sometimes, one look and you’re a goner.” You gulp. “Look at you right now.” His gaze drops down to your thighs. “All my talking making you so needy, you need to clench your thighs to keep it together.”

He smiles, though it’s not his usual boxy, boyish smile. It’s dangerous and seductive almost smirking and shit when did he get so close to you? Your breathing is erratic and you have no idea how you could be so anxious yet so amorous at the same time.

Your heart beats rapidly in your ears. “This is just for practice, right?”

Taehyung curses under his breath, “just for practice sweetheart.”

You don’t get to respond.

His lips are hesitant at first when they meet yours, yet his hands say the opposite. They start at your waist and tickle their way down to your stiff hands. Ever so gently, he pries them open, intertwining his long fingers with yours, and God, did his hands feel so right.

Your nerves dissipate slowly but surely as you allow him to explore your mouth with his skilful tongue.

Much to Taehyung’s dismay, he finds you releasing your fingers from his own. Your hands flying to the nape of his neck, ultimately bringing him closer to you, deepening the kiss. Taehyung moans in delight when you tug at his long curls, you bite his lip in reply while lust paints your vision and dampens your panties.

Taehyung never knew he would miss the feeling of your lips against his when he painfully pushes himself away to situate himself comfortably on the couch. It was time for the lesson to begin.

You pout at the distance, trying to wiggle close until he motions for you to get into a particular position. Your insides swell with eagerness.

His voice is sweet and his hands are delicate when he tucks a few strands of hair behind your ear. “Get down on your knees for me sweetheart.” You obey immediately. He smirks at your sinking form. “Good girl.”

You swear right then and there your pussy had gained a working heartbeat at his words. The unfamiliar pulse thumping as if it were trying to break loose from the constraints of your sweatpants.

Your eyes are big and expectant, slowly drinking up the sight of Taehyung’s delicious figure seated above you. He sits on the couch like it’s his throne, legs spread to accompany your kneeling figure, and dominating stare pinning you down. A shiver runs down your spine.

“Wh-what do I do now?” You utter, making it known to Taehyung that he is in charge. He is in control.

Taehyung cocks his head to the side, using a decorated pointer finger to hither your hands towards him. Hesitantly, you raise both hands, lightly placing them down on his thighs.

A click of his tongue makes its way to your ears and you know you’ve already made your first mistake. Taehyung’s brows furrow, it’s obvious you need to make the next move but your brain is fuzzy and flustered.

He sighs at your confused silence, bringing your small hands onto his belt. Oh, you know what you’re supposed to do now.

“I thought you were smarter than this, how else are you meant to get my dick out, hmm?” The blush across your cheeks has definitely spread profusely from his teasing. Its once peachy pink tone deepening into an embarrassing cherry red.

The buckle of his belt jingles under your fingertips as you nervously undo them. You’re apparently too slow for his liking, Taehyung finishing the job by pulling his belt off his pants, leaving you to stare down at the large bulge covered by the fabric of his tight jeans. You thought you had your nerves under control but the way your hands start to shake is an indication that this is real. You’re really about to suck your best friend off.

Ever the observant friend, Taehyung is quick to notice the slight shake in your fingers. “Wait, stop.”

You do as he says, quickly settling your palms back on the thickness of his covered thighs. “Are you sure you want to do this? your hands are shaking sweetheart.” His voice is laced with concern, a total switch to his previous words.

Clearing your throat you reply, “oh, no, no I’m fine.” You lock eyes. “I just want to make sure I’m doing good so I can be good for him.”

Possessiveness flares within Taehyung’s chest and he has no idea why. Although he doesn’t let it show, he can’t help the swell of his ego at the knowledge that he’s the first to get you like this. Not Hoseok. Him.

So, he grins his wide boxy grin, dragging a finger down your warm cheek. “Don’t worry darling, you’re in great hands”

The commanding smirk etched onto his lips sparks a surge of confidence through your veins, begging you to finally touch him.

With a tug of your small hands, Taehyung’s constricting jeans are pried off the taut muscle of his thighs and are left to pool around his ankles. The excitement of finally being able to suck dick coursing through your body like lighting, and just like his jeans, Taehyung’s boxers are off in a second.

His cock springs, tall, hard and proud. Your jaw drops, Taehyung chuckles at your reaction. You feel an ooze of wetness pooling in your panties.

His size is nothing you’ve seen before, thick and girthy with an impressive length to match. You wince at the thought of fitting him down your throat.

The cold metal of his rings against your hands brings your attention to Taehyung’s handsome face. Without breaking any eye contact, he wordlessly wraps your hands around the thickness of his cock.

It’s warm and swells in your palm, your two dainty hands stacked on top of each other. Fingers trying so hard to wrap themselves around the sheer girth of his cock.

You’re not dumb, you know what comes next. With a sharp inhale you begin to stroke up his length, paying close attention to his facial expression to get an idea of how well you’re doing

Taehyung’s head tilts to get a better view at your hands, “grip it tighter for me… yeah fuck that’s it.”

His praise boasts you on, holding tighter onto his cock and gathering the slick of his pre-cum with a twist of your wrist. Your eyes remain focused on the way the skin moves with your hands and the way his tip glistens with arousal. You want to lick it.

“When you’re ready you can put your mouth- Ahh shit Y/N!”

He didn’t need to finish his sentence when you’re already so eager to have him in your mouth. You do what you think would feel best, sucking on the head of his cock like a sweet ice lolly on a hot summer's day. Your tongue tracing the thick circumference before dipping into his slit.

A light groan falls from his mouth as he watches you lap at the remaining pre-cum that glistens in the afternoon light. Taehyung almost forgets why he’s here, lost in your plump lips wet with saliva.

Right, he’s here to teach you how to give a blowjob. “Try and take my whole length in darling.”

You nod, taking a deep breath, your mouth opening wider to take him in as far as you can. You try to keep your throat relaxed taking him inch by inch.

“That's a good girl”, he praises, “you’re doing so well for me.”

Your knees squeeze together, acting to relieve some pressure on your aching heat. It had truly been a while since you got some serious action.

Surprisingly you’re able to make your way to the hilt of his cock, a choked gag sputtering from your lips.

A few strands of hair fall in your face, blocking your eyes in the process. Swiftly, Taehyung brushes the hair from your eyes while simultaneously lifting your head off of his cock.

You release him with a satisfying pop, your eyes wide and makeup a little smudged. Taehyung coaches you through the next steps. “I want you to try and do that again, but when you come back up, lick the length of my cock and look at me while you do it.”

Humming in acknowledgment you grip the base of his cock before pausing. “Isn’t this what you like though? What if Hoseok likes to be touched in a different way?”

An unintentional growl bubbles out of his mouth. Oh how he wished he could take your mind off Hoseok and have you screaming his name, thinking about him instead.

He pushes down his discontentment with the other man on your mind, “men are simple creatures Y/N, just making out sometimes can get them going. And judging by the way you’re sucking my cock right now, I’m sure Hoseok will be crazy for you.”

As Taehyung explains the ins and outs of a man’s brain, you don’t make an effort to stop the teasing of his cock. His words sound slurred, they go in one ear and out the other, and besides the delicious length in front of you is much more fascinating.

For the time being you stare up at him, your eyes wide feigning interest in his words, all while you grip his cock in one hand and continuously lap at his tip with a kitten-like flick of your tongue.

Taehyung finally realises that you’ve stopped listening when he feels the small yet downright sensual pleasure shooting through his cock. He grunts, pushing your hair back once again, “fuck, that’s hot. You’re so fucking good.”

His preoccupied hand squeezes the pillows beside him, the veins of his hands popping out. You do what he taught you, seductive eyes laser focused on him while your wicked tongue leaves a hot trail up the prominent vein on his dick.

“Shit Y/N you’re doing so well-”

You release him from your mouth disrupting his sentence, “can you fuck my throat?”

Taehyung swears his whole body just convulsed at your request. He looks away just so he can contain himself because holy shit.

Obviously Taehyung has thought about you being in this position, saying those words. Yet, no matter how many times he fantasizes this scenario, nothing would ever prepare him for those words to actually come out of your mouth with the most bewitching grin plastered on your pretty face.

He stutters, “I- no, I don’t know if you can take it darling.”

You grip his thighs, pout forming on those dangerous lips of yours, “please Tae, I want it. Want you to use me.”

Taehyung pushes the curls of his bangs away, a hiss steaming from his lips. “Alright, but if you feel any discomfort pinch my thigh, okay sweetheart?”

You’re impatient, “yeah, yeah, I can take your monster dick.” You place a small kiss on his thigh, “do your worst.”

His movements are all too fast, all too sudden. His fingers securing a death-grip on the mess of your hair before holding his cock up to your mouth. “You asked for it darling.”

Your mouth automatically widens, welcoming the rough intrusion of his cock as it slides all the way down your throat. A lewd gag fills the room.

A dark cloud of lust of dominance fogs Taehyung’s vision, his biceps flexing when he brings your head up and down his thick velvety length.

The room resounds with the filthy wet noises of your saliva covered lips pumping repeatedly. Taehyung breathes heavily through his nose, tilting his head against the cushions behind him. He keeps his hips still, yanking your hair at an obscene pace. A slew of curses and moans fly out into the air as he revels at the complete state of ecstasy you’ve put him under.

The heat of his member burns the back of your throat but you fucking love it. You open your teary eyes, gazing at his chiseled jaw and the way he shivers and groans above you. It only spurs you on when he glances back down, meeting your mascara ruined eyes.

It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. Taehyung harshly pushes your head all the way to the base of his cock. Your face is met with his abdomen, the hairs of his happy trail tickling your nose.

He leaves you there, and the burn in your throat rises, leaving you gagging, your throat tightening around him.

Taehyung believes after this he could never get the image of your messy docile eyes and tarnished lips out of his brain. He feels your throat constrict, “sh-shit, fuck Y/N, breathe through your nose.” You inhale. “That’s my good girl.”

He releases you from his member only to push your lips back onto him, going back to his beastly pace. “You look so fucking pathetic, you think Hoseok wants a messy girl like you?”

You gurgle around him, tears freely falling down your cheeks as you try to shake your head no. He only mumbles out a groan, his cock abruptly pulsing under your tongue like a steady heartbeat.

It's all too sudden when he releases your head off his length, a glob of drool dripping down your chin and onto your shirt.

“Fuck sorry I was about to cum.”

Although your heart swells with pride you wonder, “why didn’t you?”

He runs a hand through his messy locks, “the purpose of this was to teach you, don’t you still want to practice?”

You’re smug with your answer, “I think I’ve got the hang of it now.”

He swipes a finger under your tear stained eyes, “getting cocky now are we.”

You were cocky indeed, “well I did get you shaking under my touch didn’t I?”

He rolls his eyes, “get up you brat, I’m gonna show you what you’ve been missing out on.”

Fucking finally.

You won’t lie, you were probably most excited to finally know what it feels like to receive head. Your mind is still fuzzy from Taehyung’s rough ministrations as you slowly get up. You wobble slightly and Taehyung is quick to stabilize you with two strong arms holding the curve of your hips in place.

With his arms already around you he pushes you towards the couch, kicking his jeans off in the process.

Back flat against his plush couch you’re already stripping off your sweatpants and panties together in one. “My, my aren’t you eager”, he teases, a glint of shamelessness twinkling in his brown orbs when he drinks up the plushness of your thighs leading to your dripping cunt.

Holding your knees in the palm on his hands, he spreads them open to reveal the glossy folds on your heat. He kisses his teeth, satisfaction and hunger clear on his face. “Fuck, isn’t this a pretty sight.”

His words bring back a blush on your cheeks, you pull him forward, your lips inches away from his own. “Shut up please.”

And he shuts you up real good. Smashing your lips to his, he envelopes you into a feverish kiss, your tongues dancing the devil's tango.

His hands are adventurous, feeling the mounds of your breasts over your shirt. “Why the fuck isn’t your shirt off yet huh?” He tuts, pulling on the cotton fabric.

“I want yours off too.” You cutely mumble tugging at the hem of his shirt, to which he complies, tugging it off in one fluid motion.

You peel your baggy shirt off just in time to see Taehyung's arm flex as he takes his very own shirt off. “Have you been working out? My God Tae, you're as big as Joon.”

He inwardly smirks because yeah he’s been working out and it's clearly paying off. He doesn’t want to show his glee however, “can we not talk about other men when I’m about to eat you out.”

You chuckle, eyes trailing down his buff arms to his v-line that leads to his dick like an arrow directing you to his treasure. You bite your lip, unclipping your lace bralette, “sure, sure, let’s get the show on the road.”

It’s Taehyung turn to drink up the sight of your body. “Fuck, always imagined what these tits looked like under all those tight clothes you wear.”

He’s really feeding into your praise kink. “Well, were they what you expected?”

He sucks on one immediately and you arch your back at the unexpected pleasure. “Even better”, he squeezes them in his palms, “they’re fucking gorgeous.”

He sucks a deep hickey under your left breast, leaving you whimpering with a hand tangled in his hair. “Always imagined what you sounded like moaning for me.”

You can’t reply, his touches burning through your skin. He kisses down your sternum to your stomach until he’s hovering above your aching clit, a tantalising grin on his face before he’s diving in.

“Fuck!” You wail at the unfamiliar yet mesmerising feelings. His tongue is stiff and pointed, flicking quickly up and down your bundle of nerves.

The grip you have on his hair is deathly but it's the only thing in your reach that can ground you. He licks a long stripe down your sopping slit, keeping his sharp eyes on you the whole time.

“F-feels so fucking good Tae!” You almost scream. He cups his lips around your swollen nub sucking on it with a shit-eating grin on his face.

You’re too dazed to comment on it, reeling in the new pleasures you’re experiencing. You stare down at him, your eyes half opened and so close to rolling to the back of your head.

However, they almost completely open wide at the sight presented before you. With two long fingers, Taehyung is shoving them in his mouth, soaking them with his spit before rubbing them onto your sensitive folds.

You beg. “Put them inside.. Please.” Taehyung doesn’t make a sound only kissing your clit as he plunges his ring decorated fingers into you.

You’re so wet his fingers slide into you with ease. He groans at the sensation, his view focused on the way your cunt greedily sucks him in.

“Look at you, getting my rings all dirty you filthy girl”, he scolds watching the way your essence drips into the crevices of his intricate jewellery.

Taehyung increases the pace of his long fingers, finger fucking you into euphoria. He doesn’t stop there, his lips returning to your desperate clit in a wet mess of your juices and his saliva.

You can feel your orgasm bubbling in your stomach. It's hot and feels so unlike any other upcoming orgasm you’ve experienced. His fingers curl inside of you, his palm slapping your folds with his rapid pace and his lips don’t give any sign of stopping.

“Taehyung- Tae, I’m cumming!” You really scream this time, your orgasm taking control over your body like a demon.

You swear your eyes black out, your body shaking, a warmth gushing out of your cunt as it spazzes out.

Your chest heaves and you blink, feeling a damp pool around you. Oh God, Did you piss yourself?

“Holy fuck Y/N, I can’t believe you just did that.”

You sit up, embarrassed, an apology falling from your lips.

“You just squirted on me.”

You’re flushed, “I- what?”

Taehyung almost looks akin to a wolf hunting down his prey. “That was the hottest fucking experience of my life, holy shit I’m so hard.”

Well at least you didn’t pee on his couch. There’s a surge of overwhelming need for his cock to be inside of you. You’ve never felt this way before, it’s scary but so is this whole experience. It’s definitely one for the books.

Getting up on your knees you hold onto his shoulders, Taehyung raises a brow. “Fuck, I need to ride you, can I ride you?”

You think you just saw his dick twitch at your words. He grins, “just for practice?”

Your smile is sickly sweet, “of course, just for practice.”

His arms are strong when he shuffles into a seated position all while holding your hips above his awaiting cock.

He pauses, a flash of his normal self resurfacing. “You’re on the pill yeah?”

You peck his lips, “yes, now stuff me full.”

That’s all the confirmation he needs before he’s sinking you down onto his length.

You both let out moans of pleasure at the feeling of being complete. The stretch hurts so bad but hurts so good. He fills you up so well it has you speechless, the air trapped inside your lungs refusing to be released until your walls are comfortable around his impressive girth.

Mumbling a soft curse, you swivel your hips in slow circles, getting used to his large size. Taehyung watches you, hunger written on his face as he licks his lips and examines the way you fit so perfectly on his lap.

You test the waters, holding onto his shoulders for support. You lift your hips and settle back onto his lap. He groans at the wet squelch it makes and slaps your ass, grabbing it in his hand to squeeze it.

You pick up the speed, pumping up and down, whimpering at how well he fills you up. You keep your gaze trained on the image of his dick disappearing in your heat and pulling out with a wet sheen.

Taehyung tucks a finger under your chin, bringing you close to his face to push his soft lips onto yours once again.

It’s weird to say, but you don’t think you can get tired of kissing your best friend. He knows exactly what you want and knows exactly how to make your head spin.

With his large hands of yours, you pick up the pace, slamming your ass onto his hips. You leave his lips, kissing the side of jaw and suckling a few lovebites behind his ear.

His voice is deep and sultry, “fuck yeah, that’s it.” You wail in his hold, pushing yourself to meet his thrusts below. Your thighs burn but the pleasure burns so much hotter.

You feel your second orgasm of the night rising within you and can tell Taehyung is close too. Taehyung assists you, using his thighs to push up into you. Your juices drip down onto his pelvis and both of your breaths get heavier.

His thrusts are fast and rough, creating loud slapping noises that echo around his empty apartment. He grunts, folding his head into the crook of your neck. He’s about to cum and so are you.

With one final gasp your release hits you like a truck. Your thigh shakes in his lap and Taehyung bites at the delicate skin of your neck. His warm seed shoots inside of you, eliciting a small sigh from your lips.

Taehyung releases his hold to lean back onto the couch. He keeps his softening cock inside of you, lazily staring at your fucked out expression.

You play with his rings, “well, how did I do?”

The shit-eating grin is back. “Hmmm, I think you may need more practice.”

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