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09yards · 5 years ago

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9 - The Art of Truly Caring (days gone by - nct au)

Donghyuck learns more about himself and the meaning of having a soulmate–an idea he hadn't entertained before.

-> As always this is available on ao3 which I prefer to use for formatting, you can find that link here

Please don’t ever become a stranger who’s laugh I could recognise anywhere

"I think you know why I'm here."

It wasn't a question, there wasn't any doubt in his voice. He knew Donghyuck was well aware what his reasoning for being there was. Donghyuck wasn't stupid, nor was he.

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. Where's the fun in me answering right off the bat, Johnny ?”

Donghyuck took in his slightly disheveled appearance, giving him another once over before speaking again. "You better come inside, your mum would murder me if he knew you'd been sat out here in the cold and wet waiting for me," Donghyuck sighed, "Lord knows I don't need that on my conscience, nor do I feel like getting killed in my sleep any time in the next week."

Donghyuck's house was usually pretty eerie, it was always too quiet, no sibling's screaming at each other from across the hall, no clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen or the echo of the TV. Wildly different from his own home.

"I'm sorry to just show up like this but I didn't know what else to do."

"It's not a problem, what am I going to do anyway? Turn you away from my front door in this weather? I can be a bitch but I'm not heartless, Johnny.”

“I never said you were. I just wasn’t expecting you to actually let me inside, you seem to be shutting just about everyone out right now, both physically and metaphorically of course.”

Donghyuck shuffled around the kitchen, grabbing two mugs so he could make them some tea, it was the least he could do before he got berated for breaking Johnny’s brothers heart. Johnny just watched in a daze, trying to think through all the things he could say; neither Donghyuck nor Mark were aware of Johnny having witnessed heir argument, having watched as not just one, but two hearts shattered to pieces the moment Donghyuck had let out that first, strangled ‘I’m sorry’.

The two sat across from each other, in Donghyuck's far too clean and tidy living room to have even been lived in, hot chocolate's in hand and heating their only defense against the grim weather.

“Guess I like you too much to do that, plus you scare me slightly when you get into protective big brother mode.”

“You know protective big brother mode applies to you too, right? I’ve known you longer than I’ve known Jisung, you’re just as much my brother as Jisungie or Mark.”

“But Mark or Jisung aren’t the ones who broke your little brothers heart. Or rather shattered it into oblivion and crushes all his hopes and dreams. I’m a horrible excuse for a human-being.”

“Don’t say that Hyuck, you can’t think its the be-all and end-all just because you don’t feel the same way about him, just because you don’t know how you feel or what you feel.”

Donghyuck ran his hands over his face and sighed, "Mark hates me Johnny, I didn't just break his heart - I clawed it out, stomped all over it and chucked it away like he meant nothing to me."

"He doesn't hate you, he could never hate you Haechannie."

Donghyuck scoffed, "And how would you know that?"

"Because that's the thing about soulmates. No one ever realises the true power of a soulmate until they find their own, even then it's practically impossible to explain. There isn't words to describe the pure devotion, that true love you feel, the way you'd do anything for them. Your soulmate isn't someone you give your life too, it's someone who completes you. Without them you'd smile a little less, cry a little more and be a little lonelier. They support you in life and you do the same, you work together, not alone. It's so beautiful. Whether they’re by your side, down the street, or the other side of the world–you’re connected."

"I still can't comprehend how much of a sap you've become."

It was Johnny's turn to scoff, "Come on, be serious with me here. It's just me and you, you know you can talk to me about anything. You don't have to talk about Mark or soulmates, you can talk about school, or applying to uni, or Red Velvet's latest comeback, you don't have to lie or fake anything to me. It’s me Donghyuck and I may not be your soulmate but I’m not going anywhere."

"Johnny, you don't have to do this. You don't have to act like you care... no one else does, not even my own parents. Save yourself the trouble and whatever obligation you feel to be here."

That was the thing about Donghyuck's parents, they just didn't really care. There was no 'I'm proud of you' when he brought his report home, or a genuine 'how was your day?'. The two lived and breathed their work and he would always be thankful for everything they had given him but he couldn't help the feeling of missing the attachment that the others around him had to their parents. He went home to an empty house, the place looked like something straight out of a catalog, not a shoe out of place. It didn't look lived in and it never felt like a home. He'd always spent more time at Mark's or Jaemin’s during his childhood especially, they were homes. Jaemin's always, without fail, smelt like home cooked food, it was warm and cozy with little traces of each member of the family filtering in to every room. Mark's on the other hand was arguably utter chaos , the usual smell of burnt food (Mark has been banned from the kitchen but that doesn't seem to stop him) or the vanilla scented candles his mother adores and insists on putting in every room no matter the weather.

If you asked Donghyuck to describe what a home felt like, whether he thought about it or not, he would inevitably end up describing the Lee's. There were pencil markings on the wall beside the inside of the office door, logging their heights every year since Johnny was four, his personal favourite is this past year when Jisung officially passed Mark in height - and yes, Mark is still bitter about it. Donghyuck likes the way he knows that the chips on the skirting board in the hallway and the dent in the wooden flooring is from when Johnny dropped a bottle of vodka at sixteen and it was his first experience witnessing someone use such colourful language. He likes the way he knows that the light on the fence at the bottom of the garden doesn't work because Jaemin had finally kicked a football into it one too many times and they still haven't gotten around to fixing it despite the fact it was almost five years ago. He liked the little nick nacks that had found their way onto any possible empty surface, random pictures of days out, school events and Polaroids of evenings that are now slightly hazy in their memories but if the smiles on their faces are anything to go by it was enjoyable all the same.

Donghyuck liked the way Mark's bedroom screamed him the moment you walked in. Donghyuck's was plain and simple, aside from the pop art canvas print of Michael Jackson his mum had bought him to replace his 'ghastly' posters. Mark's room was filled with miscellaneous art and clutter he loved despite not having any meaning (it had meaning to him no matter how stupid- it always had meaning), from his giant poster of the periodic table (colour-coded and all), to the one of his favourite football team, the vintage band posters he'd put up to remind him of his dad, to ones of his favourite movies and video games. In all the years they've known each one another Donghyuck is pretty convinced he can count the number of times Marks bed has been made on one hand, his numerous blankets tossed haphazardly around. It was organised chaos, it made Hyuck feel safe and cosy, made him feel like he was home.

"You can't stop me from caring about you Donghyuck, that's not going to happen. I love you just like my brothers, you know that, you grew up just as much a part of the family as anyone else. You don't have to hide who you are Donghyuck, not to me."

"I don't know what to do, Johnny. I don't know where it all went wrong," Donghyuck's voice faltered, barely above a whisper. He let out a faint sob.

Johnny got up from his seat, wrapping his arms around the younger and pulling him into a tight hug as he let out sob after sob. Finally releasing all his built-up emotions.

"Shhh, don't worry Hyuck, I've got you okay. You're going to be just fine, I've got you."

It took a while but the younger had finally calmed down enough to speak again, hesitantly removing himself from Johnny's tight hold.

"So, what I got in between your sobs, Mark confessed but you haven't gotten your soulmate Mark so unless there's some sort of glitch, you and him aren't actually meant to be - wow, my whole life has been a lie if that's the case- and you think you may be 'kinda, sorta, maybe' gay?"

"Yeah that's about the most of it," Donghyuck huffed.

"Right. Honestly don't know where to start with unpacking all of that but you seem might need to talk your feelings out.”

“It feels like my whole life I’ve been told that Mark and I will end up being soulmates, no one ever thought we wouldn’t be. We just ignored it, kept living our lives as best friends and that let me ignore my feelings, ignore the fact that my parents would treat me the same as they did Taeyong if they knew I was gay, that I am gay.

I’ve grown up in a house that doesn’t believe you have to be with your soulmate, that doesn’t believe that there’s just one person out there for everyone. My parents not being with their soulmates made me think there wasn’t anything wrong with it, that people getting sick when they’re apart from their soulmate is some manufactured lie. I don’t know what to believe anymore. ”

“I watched my mum lose my dad Hyuck and whether it’s true or not, she wasn’t the same after. She wasn’t the same for a long time. That love she had for him had nowhere to go, it destroyed her. I don’t have anything against people who don’t date their soulmate, or people who go without ever so much as searching for them. I don’t think it's denying your soulmate that destroys you, it’s denying that love. Love is powerful and all-consuming and it makes you lose yourself for a little while but you always figure it out in the end. Whether you think Mark is your soulmate or not, if you truly care for him as something more than just your best friend, no one will stop you. Soulmates don’t resign you to loving one person.”

"I don't want to be with someone whose heart belongs to someone else. If Mark and I really aren’t soulmates, surely I’m just setting myself up for heartbreak? Just once, I want to be someone's first choice. I'm so sick of being second best all the time."

"Hyuck, you know that's not true. You know you're not second best, that's just stupid."

"Yes, I am. Sometimes it's subtle, like the way my parents finally let me enroll in dance classes or allowed me to dye my hair - but I realised that they were dealing with the fact Taeyong walked out by replacing him with me. I'm not really Mark's best friend, Renjun always will be, but we all know Mark would choose family above all else, you included. You and Ten defy all odds against your relationship because you truly believe in one another and the idea of soulmates. Chenle would find Jisung in every lifetime and Jaemin... Jaemin lives and breathes Renjun. Jaemin wouldn't let a soul so much as harm a hair on Renjun's head he is so in love with that boy. So, no Johnny, I'm not even second best, I'm a last resort to everyone, even my own parents."

Johnny paused, mouth opening and closing a of times while he tried to figure out what to say, "Your parents are really trying to replace him with you?"

"I don't know, it feels like they are. Sometimes they'll accidentally ask if he's coming home for tea or something equally mundane and the looks on their faces when they realise what they've just said... it's obvious they miss him but they won't do anything about it, they're too stubborn to care." Hyuck runs his hands over his face and lets out a deep breath, "They only started letting me do all these things since Taeyong left. They couldn't stop him, he didn't listen, but I did and look where that got me. I'm a stranger in my own home and I have to hide who I really am. It’s like they hope that if they give me more freedom that I won’t turn out like Taeyong or ruin their little picture perfect family."

"I know you're angry right now, at me, at Mark, at your parents... at the world. But, I will always try my best to be there for you and if you need to get out of there please, please just come to ours. I can't stand that you still live there, you don't deserve to be in a place like that."

Johnny gave one of his heart-warming smiles, hugging Donghyuck again. “You are loved Haechannie, there are people who care about you, people who would risk the world for you and you just need to let yourself be open to the idea that someone can love you, for you. Don't be a stranger, stop hiding from the world and let yourself be you again. You didn't get the nickname Haechan for nothing.”

Johnny left after more hugs and tears, telling Donghyuck he’s loved, over and over again. Drilling it into him so he couldn’t forget, so he had no choice but to remember.

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