#(or bite into a chunk of brick idk)

[sectoralchromatics]

if my mum gave birth to me one day earlier i could have bragged about having the same birthday with kalle. but since she didn’t i’m stuck in here with the likes of matt hancock and paul von hindenburg

[the-robot-bracket]

Five Pebbles propaganda:

"He's like 2 cm tall and also the size of a city. He was 'born' sopping wet in a can all alone and is angry at everything always and forever. He has made big mistakes and feels desperately guilty for them and tries his hardest to make up for them. He is a tiny little bug shouting at the world. Just look at his little antennae."

"Five Pebbles is a bio-mechanical supercomputer so large he literally has a metropolis built on top of him but he is also a little ~2ft. nerd who's into poetry and angrily rants to animals. He has a million absent parents. He nearly killed his sister and is sad about it for the rest of time. A rat kills him. This is the ideal character. #FIVEPEBBLESSWEEP"

"Hes a little pink guy, hes also a massive biomechanical superstructure. he wanted to kill himself so bad but only ended up giving himself turbo robot cancer and killing his older sister in the process (who i will also submit in a bit) Hes sooo silly i want to hit him with a brick. If you do that tho he just fries your brain instantly. love him"

"Oh he's such a cringe fail pathetic man, chugged so much water in an attempt to kill himself, instead kills his sister (kinda) and gives himself robo cancer. He'd listen to mcr and watch those cringey emo warrior cat amvs everyday if he could"

"He canonically has a rip-off Pepsi brand based on him, and he also has official art of him as a cat boy."

"Silly little goober, basically a God but also a tiny tiny little buddy."

"Imagine youre busy doing the hardest math ever when a feral cat scampers into your house, bites a chunk out of you, and scatters all your work everywhere. Then imagine that your reaction is to give this feral cat the gift of understanding speech and bless it with ultimate enlightenment so that it may escape samsara. This exact situation happened to Mr Fruity Pebbles about 4 times"

"I'm sure you've heard plenty about how pathetic this massive-yet-tiny supercomputer boy is so I'll just list off some semi-obscure facts that make him even more of my miserable wet cat

- He gets a surprise roommate of an explosive rat on a genocide mission and proceeds to talk to them like they're a person. He acts like they're the most annoying thing in the world but he also gets excited when they bring him something cool, or is clearly trying not to break down in front of them if they bring him chat logs with his friends and/or sister (that he killed)

- He is, both physically and mentally, being eaten from the inside by the consequences of his actions, due to the robot turbocancer and his own inescapable regret

- He seems to project onto nearly every rat that stumbles into his room, assuming they want to die just as much as he does

- The devs once commissioned multiple artworks of him in a catboy outfit I want this twink obliterated and I will fulfill those wishes as the rat who kills him."

"Failed so hard at killing himself, he killed himself. Looks like a lollipop in a dress. I make a habit of dumping stray kittens into his house so I guess a nomination counts as child support."

"Idk he tries to kill himself and fails so miserably it's kinda funny. Also he sucks god bless america"

"He's a wet cat."

[us3rnam3-r3dact3d]

Bird Bone Biscuits

A little piece about Sam. Much more lyrical and freestyle than most things I’ve written here. Just a short exploration of Sam’s childhood in southern Georgia, raised by his grandmother. Absolute projection on my part. I still can’t get my Pop’s biscuit recipe right, even a year after the fact.

TW: mentions of blood, religious trauma, sex. And idk it’s just kinda sad ig.

—

When you asked him, Sam said that he was from a little town in Georgia that he didn’t care to remember the name of. He didn’t care to because it was small, barely a post office and a stretch of downtown paved in brick laid during the Civil War. Because when his mother bore child by a football player in her sophomore math class, he was handed off to his grandmother in shame. Because he was raised by his Gramma’s firm hand, and everything that reminded him of her made his eyes thin and shiny.

He cooked her biscuit recipe every Sunday morning, although never in preparation of hour long church services that would run right through supper. Every Sunday, he’d stay awake long after the sun had risen, letting the light peak through a few well chosen windows, the black out curtains peeled back to let in the golden rivets of it. He kept a religious collection of ingredients- a cheap brand of flour that smelled like preservation chemicals, eggs bought by the dozen, always grumbling about the raising prices in what must have been a well practiced recital- “too damn much for a dozen fuckin’ eggs.”

They were the best biscuits you’d ever eaten, and you’d say so, shovel a few down with your morning coffee. Sam would take a bite, turn it over in his mouth, shake his head. He’s smear some Smuckers strawberry jam on a chunk. Another head shake. Shove a sausage patty on one before giving up.

“Still not right.” He’d say.

Sam didn’t talk about religion. He didn’t talk about church. Vampires didn’t burn up at the sight of a cross, that was mythical bullshit. But Sam had a small white bible hidden away in the drawer of his bedside table, and he regarded the little golden cross on a tangled, delicate chain that laid on top of it as though it could kill him with a touch. He didn’t pray. You’d seen him face down death without the hope of any god in his eyes. Whatever divinity his Gramma found, he was barred from by birthright or sin.

That bible sat beside the bed he fucked you in, the bed he curled against your chest in, the bed he spit curses into like tobacco. You wondered what she would think, sometimes, if she could look down on her child from Heaven. You wondered if she would approve of you. If she would like you.

And Sam was her child, as far as you could tell. The longer you heard him talk about it, the more his dedication to his progeny made sense. Sam came from a line of Grands becoming mothers, becoming fathers.

Sam wasn’t Humanborn. His Gramma had magic. His mother had magic. It was a long tradition of witches, a tradition of crystals and bird bones, of complicated sigils drawn in his own blood, of Sunday school the morning after a full moon ritual that bled him dry of sleep. He didn’t talk about it much, his bloodline of folk magic that strung the Spell Song of Elegy in fire. You understood, from what you did hear, that Sam lost much more than his powers that night in his tree-wrapped truck. Alexis had taken his family from him, his blood. She had taken his Gramma’s touch, her guiding of rosemary, her wisdom of rose and thyme.

Sam was from a little town in Georgia. He had no intention of visiting, although he said the heat some summer California days reminded him of home. He rejoiced in the absence of humidity and mosquitoes. You wondered if he missed hearing people who sounded like him. You wondered how long he’d had his beaten up Chevy truck, if he’d driven it all the way from those brick-paved streets to Dahlia. You wondered when his Gramma died. You wondered if he still spoke to his mother.

You wondered a lot of things about Sam. But he wondered a lot of things about you. You were putting him together from the pieces he gave you. Brick by brick.

[buffintruder]

Some fun stuff I noticed in the Les Mis Broadway tour showing I went to:

-After the cart scene, Valjean’s just lying on the ground from exhaustion, and Javert helps him up while wondering if this mayor could be Valjean. I wouldn’t mention this, but Javert spent a weirdly long time just holding onto Valjean’s forearm, like I think it lasted most of his verse.

-When the Thenardiers are opening up the inn, they get into a small non-verbal fight, and M. Thenardier says “I should have married your sister” and the audience died laughing (side note: of all parts of the brick, why did the writers of the musical decide that this was the part that needed to be the comedic relief???)

-Right after the Thenardiers are singing “It’s no more than we Christians must do” Mme. Thenardier crosses herself, and M. Thenardier follows suit, touching his forehead and the middle of his chest, but then he looks confused and touches his head and chest again, and then once more for good measure

-When Gavroche talks about Eponine in Look Down, Montparnasse slings his arm around Eponine’s shoulders with a knife in one hand, and she beats him up and it’s super badass

-After Javert tells everyone to leave, Gavroche shouts “You heard the man! Clear the streets!” while shooing everyone off stage. Javert turns around to stare at Gavroche, and Gavroche salutes him before running off

-When Grantaire sings the bit about Don Juan, he puts his bottle near his crotch and starts waggling it up and down. Enjolras takes the bottle away when he starts his verse, and Grantaire spends a couple moments trying to get it back. I’m sure it’s not very hard for you shippers to find some symbolism there

-In A Heart Full of Love, Marius throws a pebble at Cosette’s window to get her attention before he starts singing. She comes out on the second story balcony, and it’s very Romeo and Juliet for about two lines before Cosette disappears back into her room. Marius turns away in disappointment, completely missing Cosette running outside behind him. He turns back to the building she is no longer in to try to serenade her before she gets his attention again

-There were some interesting decisions about who some of the characters were singing to. Like when Combeferre starts “Will you join in our crusade who will be strong and stand with me?” he sings directly to Marius. In One Day More, when Marius is asking “Shall I join my brothers there?” and all those other questions, he’s speaking specifically to Eponine who’s looks like she’s trying to be like “Idk man” but was really thinking “yes!! Go!”

-Grantaire sings directly to Enjolras in his lines in Upon These Stones, and kind of bumps his hand against Enjolras’s chest at “dogs will bite.” Enjolras sings the “they will do what is right” line, shoving his gun into Grantaire’s arms as he does so. Not that Grantaire ever uses it, because he spends most of the battles running around in the back or sitting next to Javert

-While Eponine is dying, Gavroche runs in and sees her and just kind of freezes. Grantaire immediately notices this, and pulls Gavroche back a couple of steps and stands supportively nearby. Enjolras joins them, and the three of them watch Eponine die together. Right before she dies, Eponine kisses Marius, and when she falls limp, Grantaire pulls Gavroche into a really tight hug, and I cried

-When Grantaire starts singing his verse of Drink With Me, a couple guys cheer in a ‘this guy is going to have something fun to say’ kind of way. That quickly fades after the first line, and when Grantaire reaches “Will the world remember you when you fall?” the people around him stand up angrily. Enjolras steps in to stand next to Grantaire, making ‘back off’ motions at everybody else with his hands. Grantaire sings the rest of his verse right up in Enjolras’s face, but his posture is so defensive and scared. After he’s done, Grantaire slinks off to lean his head against a wall. Gavroche hugs him from behind, surprising him, then Grantaire turns around and kneels to hug him properly, and I cried even more

-Gavroche’s song before he dies is so much creepier when he is out of sight for most of it. He stands on top of the barricade at the end of it, and when he’s shot, he falls into Enjolras’s arms who passes the corpse into Grantaire’s arms, and did I say these were fun things I noticed from this production? because I was clearly lying a bit

-There wasn’t any sort of E/R thing at the end, but Grantaire was the last to die. He climbs the barricade for the first time this whole show (other than when he went a couple steps up to try and stop Gavroche from dying), making his way to the spot where Enjolras died. He lifts his bottle up into the air and gets shot, and this is another of Grantaire’s deaths that I’m glad wasn’t the one in the Brick but I still kind of want to analyze the symbolism of it

-I always thought the line “Who will wake them?” in Turning was kind of weird when I heard it in the original broadway soundtrack, but in this, a little girl sang that line and her mom was the one to respond with “No one ever will” which broke my heart

-While M. Thenardier is talking to Marius at the wedding, Mme. Thenardier is just in the background, making a mess, and it’s great. She chases after some guy holding a plate of finger foods, and when someone takes out the cake, she grabs a large chunk off the top. All the dancers briefly pause to stare in horror at her, and she says, “What?! It’s not like anyone was eating it!”

[oleanderblume]

Okay. Time to talk about it.

For reasons.

So, as anyone who actually pays attention to the posts I make knows, I have DID and right now things aren't going so great so I'm just gonna scream into the void about it. Tw: csa cp sa and other not fun stuff.

So. I'm writing a book series, and at some point while I was writing my books, the main characters of the series ended up being introject alters in my whole ass head.

I didn't want that. Or ask for it. It just happened.

The reason I don't want that is because it makes me not want to write anymore because now those people are literally walking around in my head and its not fun. Also they are kids and my brain is not kid friendly. Or me friendly.

I don't know how they formed but I do have an inkling as to why, my theory is 1 and 2

1. The alters already existed but wanted an easy face so they took the ones I already made and rolled with it

2. The alters hadn't been formed yet but due to exterior stresses they DID form and now I've gotta deal with that.

The first theory is the most likely tho.

Anyways, this happened, I am upset by it. I am in a bunch of groups on fb for DID so I post about it (vaguely because I genuinely thought that this was sort of common but apparently it is NOT) the group i posted in had some assholes 8n the administration as well as.members who took it upon themselves to take my rather vague post about introjects and turned it into a huge mess,.claiming that I was faking having DID and that I was just making up imaginary friends. Despite the fact that the post itself alluded in NO WAY that I genuinely wanted this to happen.

I wasn't given an opportunity to explain myself, and the admin kicked me from the group. So I made another post in the sister group EXPLAINING why I was upset and what was going on and I STILL GOT MADE FUN OF, ridiculed, and my experiences invalidated. Even when I told them that I work for 11 hrs and don't have ample time to dawdle on fb groups. The admin offered to let me back into the other group but I decided to leave both of them because it is simply ridiculous that I should be completely ousted for not fitting into their idealized version of what DID is when it is such a subjective experience for everyone with it. Also one person was just a major fucking asshole to me for no good reason and I wanted to get away from them.

It was a waste of my time and added stress I really didn't need, and on top of that, it gave me LITERALLY NO ADVICE OR VALIDATION for what was ACTUALLY stressing me out.

Also, it made me mad and then Jodie fronted and it was just a big pain in the ass for no real reason.

But the thing is, I still have the same problem. Two fucking kids are running around my head in danger of being caught by a persecutor and being harmed and *I* have to figure out how to wrangle them up. Well, turns out ONE OF THEM IS A MAJOR FUCKING ASSHOLE. Which is my fault because I technically wrote him as an asshole and so his personality reflects that. And also he's 14 and 14 year olds are just a big bag of ducks to everyone. But it gets WORSE. Because he DOESN'T KNOW HES IN A SYSTEM.

So I have a 14 year old jackass running around, with no fucking clue whats going on or where he is, being actively pursued by a persecutor who wants to fucking hurt him >:(

Well, I find him, and he is pissed and won't fucking talk to me because HE doesn't want to be here EITHER. No shit Sherlock. It fucking sucks I know. But he WILL talk to my friends, when he fronts which is WHENEVER APPARENTLY. So he talks to my friends and gradually figures out sort of whats going on but THEN the persecutor (I have named him Bastard for now) gets a hold of him.

Now here is where the trigger warning stuff comes in so don't read this if you don't want to be completely skeezed out.

So..our persecutors have a nasty habit of forcing alters into co-con so they can hurt the body and make *them* feel it. Its really hard to combat and trust me, I'm working on that okay?

They do this to trigger flashbacks and panic attacks and the like because idk, that's probably their fucked up way of saying "hey here is something important you need to know" while also being incredibly fucked up and psychologically damaging to whoever happens to be the target.

Well, Bastard does this to my boy, and here is where things really get into the nitty gritty. So please avert your eyes.

A little backstory. On my trauma (or what I know of it so far cause this shit is like a 3d jigsaw puzzle)

From what I KNOW, and what I've been told by other alters, there is a huge chunk of information missing from when I was about 4-12 (cause my earliest kid memory is from like 12) and that is when I think a lot.of the particularly bad stuff happened. Except we have been trying to figure out what it was for quite a while.

We know it has to do with child pornography. Because Acey, who is 5 has memories of that and Destiny, Siren and Syn all have memories that very specifically depict incidences of cp.

Destiny has memories of being r*ped with coke bottles, and being locked in a bathroom that was converted into a dark room (we think that's how The Other One was formed, from the reflection you saw in the mirror) we know this because she kept a detailed journal of when the first persecutor showed up, Fear, and he did that thing i was talking about earlier.

Another thing about Destiny is that when she first started fronting, she was 100% certain she was not Destiny, and was *deadname*. Fear was the one who named her and only ever referred to her as Destiny.

I'm not sure about Syn because they are a cat and only talk in third person with rudimentary English, but they fucking HATE men. And Siren is a fallen angel that very explicitly talks about being too "impure" for God.

And Acey has memories of being drugged and assaulted. (Her name is literally short for Acetaminophen so...)

At this point (around sophomore year) the picture we have is that there was some csa and cp, but no perps.

However, we gained two alters at some point that could have clued us in on stuff.

Eleanor, a little who is about 4-5 years old has memories of being told to play faries with an older person, and to build her own imaginary world. And then Mockingbird. An alter who purposefully mimics other alters and lives in annual hospital.

Thing about mockingbird though, is that she has a phone in her room that is ALWAYS ringing, but whenever she answers it, the voices on the other side are unintelligible. And so is she, when she talks at least. Most of the time. She only sounds like a regular person when she pretends to be a different alter.

BUT the thing is, there had been a bunch of other stuff that hadn't correlated to this, at first we thought it may have been some sort of ritual abuse? Because in like 2017/18 an feral alter (and I mean completely animalistic, growling biting and clawing at stuff) surfaced that only spoke backwards and was also named Satan. They looked like a typical humanoid goat demon ram person thing (?)

SO to figure shit out, we send Anon (short for Anonymous) to look around the mindspace and figure out what the fuck is going on. They find this WALL. Its a huge ass brick wall, at the edge of the garden, and it circles around the entire northern hemisphere of the planet (our mindspace is a planet)

And it has a bunch of paper plastered over it saying "the rules" of the system. But no one can fucking read them. Yay. Also, Esz did some investigating of the wall himself and that's how he got caught by Controller and made feral.

And since they started fronting AFTER Esz came around, we figured oh, something is up here?? Because Esz is also a demon alter.

Well, uh, turns out there was another persecutor (aptly named Controller) in control of Satan and they were targeting Esz this time around, and the two of them integrated. Esz is still around, Satan is basically no more. Well, not really. Because now Esz is also fucking feral. Which was really stressful because having your primary protector and system manager be a fucking screeching demon beast is uh..not fun. We luckily got that under control tho (thank fucking god) but now Esz has these memories of being r*ped which is great because he is the epitome of masculinity (I jest the boy eats fucking vegan chicken with spicy ketchup wtf) but this time we get some sort of insight into Satan's (and probably Esz's) creation cause the memories involve this random ass fat guy (don't recall them mentioning seeing his face) but he was this tail kink or some shit and had a really long tail but plug and made Esz act like a literal animal to get is nasty ass rocks off.

At this point, we aren't 100% sure what's going on. Because we've got these two very conflicting narratives and one of them has what we think are religious undertones while the other has obvious cp.

And now that Esz is (as far as I'm aware) back to normal, he knows more information because to make him feral, Controller had to bring him BEHIND the wall.

So Esz informs us that the wall has a bunch of layers, and there are a shit ton of other alters back there but none of them have faces. AND there are OTHER PERSECUTORS back there, who all work in tandem with eachother in some sort of hierarchy. All led by someone called The Puppeteer.

Thats all the information we have on anything past the wall :/

BUT THEN somewhere down the line, we get another little, and their name is Penut. Which is IMPORTANT because that was the nickname we had as a little kid by our NEIGHBOR Beverly. And Penut has some unpleasant csa memories FROM BEVERLY.

At the time, we just thought "oh great, so we can add that to the stack of BULLSHIT" and didn't think much further on it.

BUT ALSO, this was around the time our sister (bio sister) came into the picture and learned about some of the stuff and she very VERY specifically says that she thinks Beverly had a major role in us developing DID. Again at the time I'm like "well yeah, if Penuts memories are true then she definitely had a role" but none of us are really even venturing further on the topic. Because we are sort of distracted by having TWO persecutors and A FERAL FUCKING PROTECTOR ALTER.

Obviously though, things cool down a whole lot more. Its good, things are great.

Until Oliver pops up.

SO NOW WE ARE BACK AT THE PRESENT MIND YOU.

There is another persecutor, he is really annoying. He is hurting my newest/possibly older but only recently resurfaced alter. And GUESS WHAT HE MAKES HIM SEE.

☆this is legitimately disturbing so please be warned☆

Bastard does his thing and Ols has a very visceral flashback- i know what happened in it because he literally wrote about it because he was convinced it was important, which it IS.

In this flashback, he is obviously me, being r*ped. But this time for some reason, the person doing the r*ping is making him look at him, so he sees this guys face. Which has never EVER happened in a flashback before. Especially to the point where you actually REMEMBER WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE. The guy has green eyes, and a beard, like a scruffy longer one. And while this is happening, at some point, Ols overhears ANOTHER PERSON in the room. A woman. And it's Beverly.

I know it's Beverly because he mentions in his recount that she called him Penut.

And she is working a hand held camera, and there is another one on a stand that is like, hooked up to a television, replaying what is being recorded.

At some point he's made to face the TV, like sitting on beard guys lap or something to watch and Beverly is just casually talking to beard guy, literally telling him to hurry the fuck up because there's gonna be another "session" after this one.

They start talking about what they are going to do next (with me/Ols) and mention the next "client" and then using a tail and making me act like an animal, and then other things like using laxatives, other kinds of drugs and even using other kids. They talk about how the video won't have sound, so none of what they are saying is going to be recorded too. Beverly at one point walks up to him, close to the end I think, and is like really close to his face, and this is when she calls him Penut, and talks about how much money she's going to make (or something like that, Ols is giving me the details as I'm writing)

Then beard guy makes him come and moves him again so he can't see the TV or Beverly and then beard guy finishes his shit and Ols overhears Beverly say that they next person is almost here and he needs to go now.

Then the flashback is over and Bastard says "this is why you are here" or something along those lines, and Ols immediately (well, probably after a little mental breakdown) writes all this shit down and sends it to two of my friends in a message (im so sorry about that guys)

Then I find put about it, have a really bad time, but now I'm in puzzle mode and all the peices are starting to fit together.

So...from what we have of Oliver's flashback, Beverly is a main perp, and was basically pimping us out to folks for cash while taping it and putting it put for other folks to purchase.

Esz and Satan being feral are because the next "session" involved someone with a gross animal kink. And that can ALSO account for Syn, because she is a literal animal. Her mention of drugs can easily coincide with Acey's memories.

And Destiny's coincide with the cp in general as well as probably someone who was sadistic enough to shove fucking glass bottles inside people.

Im not 100% where Eleanor fits in, but it can easily be suggested that she came about when shit first started to get real bad. And Penut, well, I'm pretty certain that she was THE FIRST alter. And probably what gave Beverly the idea in the first place (I'm not sure because most of Penuts memories were when we had sleepovers at Beverlys but it makes a lot of sense if she were the first of us and her compliance gave Beverly the opportunity to take further advantage)

Mockingbird hearing voices through the phone could be conversations that Beverly and other people were having during "sessions"

And the persecutors. Are modeled. After the different clients (and probably Beverly too) that had come and gone.

And the wall probably has a metric fuck ton of other alters back there with other horrific experiences and memories waiting to be slowly leaked out along with this tier list of persecutors modeled after their respective abusers and the puppeteer is probably an introject OF BEVERLY.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Of course, this is all speculation and it can completely change course at the drop of a fucking hat but I have NEVER EVER been so certain in my LIFE that this is what happened. Like..it makes too much sense?!