#(no i dont think the 10 year old is drinking i just didnt feel like designing her any older 😭)

[tumbleinthenet]

should i choose a noble occupation? if i did, i'd only show up late and sick and they would stare at me with hatred plus, my only natural talent's wasted on my alcoholic friends

[nightmare8-420]

grape and watermelon mikes hard and 6 bud lights heart shaped box,,,hggn…,

[tinylittlebab]

maybe when im skinny ill somehow magically have friends somehow. idk how me having friends would change the fact i dont know or meet people but i bet it will fix all my problems

[nutzworth]

DAY 4: JANUARY 17, 2024 (i um. was a little busy. oops.)

STATS: read for ~2 hrs pages read: 860-1052. 192 pgs. reached pg 1000! wooo!!! slur count: 6 + 2 = 8 (rose narration, john. both r slur) silly count: 10 + 1 = 11 (john about roses building) piss count: 1/3

THOUGHTS: today started with jade's freshjamz!!!!!!!!! I LOVE!!! i mean dave kind of sucks at making music but jade doesnt! i love how homestuck shows the works of the characters. jades music daves blogs caliborns deviantart whatever. it makes them feel so REAL.

figured out the time differences! if we're staying at johns timezone, dave is 2 hrs ahead and rose is 3 hrs ahead. and jade is 4 hrs ahead!!!! when we were dave pov a convo with jade was at 6:30pm but at jade pov it was 12:30pm so you know.

the exiles are FINALLY MEETING UP!!!! PM!!!!!!!!! i looove pm shes what makes me want to be a mailman. what the hell are the snake worm things in pm's like structure? whats it called? with the terminal. theyre awful silly but theyre kind of freaky and i dont know what they are.

john faq i always read the faqs theyre so fun. john try not to mention your friends by irl name on public forum challenge (even if he assumes everyone else is dead lol). i do NOT understand alchemizing mostly cus i dont get binary. but whatever. maybe i will someday

KARKAT VANTAS! i think the first mentions of the trolls are here! yaaay!

dave strife theyre still strifing i didnt get to the end yet. s beatdown or whatever. always interesting to me that dave never gets sliced or anythign even though theyre fighting with ultra sharp swords. how much restraint is bro (strider) showing? the fights ARE intended to be strengthening dave. but they dont. cus hes a kid and hes passive. im a sucker for bro strider i know he sucks but ugh i love dirk too much

mom lalondes lab drives me coocoo crazy. pov youre rose you go under your dead cats big ass mausoleum and find a laboratory your mother uses. theres 1 battery unlocked just for you. theres a giant ass monitor showing sburb sessions and meteors. did your mother know? did your mother know what was going to happen? youre thirteen years old. do you know? theres bright pink kiddy furniture. did your mother use it? when did she get it? it looks pristine. did she sleep in this when she was little? did she sleep in it as an adult? why would she buy herself such a thing at an adult age? youre rose lalonde. youre thirteen and full of hatred. you dont understand anything. you wear your mothers scarf and you pick up a stray mutant cat and name it after a drink your alcoholic mother loves. youre thirteen and full of hatred and you dont understand anything and you want to, so badly. so so badly.

jade is awesome her scampering through the house rocks. i wonder if she actually believes pa harley is talking to her, or if he actually is, or if shes just pretending. it has to be because of trauma, right? is she genuine? she has to be genuine. right? fosmf if you know anything about this let me know

jack noir... midnight crew.... oh how i cant wait for the intermission.

johns various mental breakdowns (over the discovery of his dads room; over betty crocker gushers; over the drawings over his posters) are insane. he lashes out so weirdly. dave said like john never gets mad or frustrated over real big stuff and he instead funnels it into tiny meaningless problems. i wonder what that means. im not into john enough to read into it or know

jade (and dirk by extension) waking up on prospit (or derse) early makes me thiiiink. i wonder if theyd get freaked by regular normal dreams. they god tier and sleep and wake up in a cold sweat Hello? Where am i. Hello? I just slept and nothing was there. Where am i

thinking about rose + jade a lot these first few acts. i looove rose and i looove jade. i focused on jade a lot the first time i read so im trying to focus on rose more because shes AWESOME! and i want to get to know her better. she deserves it. but anyway thats enough for today sorry for taking like a 12 day break lol

[peri]

suicide tw a little later in the post, kinda heavy, kinda long. sorry i just need to talk about this

i was on youtube yesterday while trying to calm down from spiraling, and before i could find a video i wanted to put on, a 9 year old video my brother posted popped up. it didnt have any more than 10 views. knowing it'd be bittersweet, i clicked.

i was in 90% of the videos he posted. we'd be playing everything together. gaming videos, of course, if you dont know my brother, he's a gamer first person second. but in a well-adjusted way lol. he's like, really good at every game he plays and can beat them really quickly.

on one hand, it was really weird seeing my old self, even in video games. my typing style, the name i used, my character styles, etc. on the other, seeing my brother, young and so close to me, typing slow, awkward... it made me smile.

he and i used to be really close. we'd do everything together. he ... looked up to me. he talked to me. these days we've drifted. we don't ever text unless its a birthday, and then its just to say happy birthday, no conversation. i don't think we've had an actual conversation since i left. but even before then, the last time we really talked was when i was heavily suicidal and opened up about that to him finally. this was in late 2019, i believe.

he was caring, understanding, said he's struggled with it himself in the past, told me everything. and he said he would always be there for me.

it.. broke my heart, one night. we were all drinking, and he ended up getting emotional but none of us knew why. until eventually he started crying and just calling my name over and over. "oh, [deadname].... [name], [name], [name].... [name]! [name]! [name]!" it ripped my heart out, and just recalling it is painful. i knew exactly why he called my name. he was scared. he thought i was going to kill myself, and soon. and to be fair, at that point, i thought i was going to as well. i didn't tell him that, but he knew.

i'm crying lol. no one else ever knew why he did that. but i did. he was drunk out of his mind, so i ended up walking him back to his room and putting him to bed. he made me sit on his bed until he fell asleep. he fell asleep fairly quick, as he was very drunk and out of it. but he didnt want me to leave his side, so i stayed a little longer anyways.

that was the last time we were ever truly close. i wonder if he remembers that.

during my visit back to texas last year, i asked if he was mad at me. if he was ever upset that i left. he said no, he would never hold that against me. which was nice. but it did mean that the reason we drifted was just... for nothing. i mean, dont get me wrong, we'd been drifting for longer than that, the last few years i lived with him, he stayed alone in his room most of the time, and i never knew what to say. he's always been awkward, quiet, anxious, so talking wasnt easy. and i guess growing up made that feel impossible.

he eventually got a girlfriend, after years of me questioning if he was even into the idea of dating and romance at all lol, and she ended up living with us. im glad for her, coz she really turned his life around. but it did mean that i saw him even less. he was occupied with her.

theyre still together btw. his first ever relationship and its been years. good for him.

but anyways... i guess all of this just to say i miss him. i never thought we'd drift. it's hard to think about. hard to acknowledge.

looking back at those old youtube videos made me face that again. he was so young. so happy. so enthusiastic.

he had no idea what would happen.

[bambiparts444]

GHDFGJSDJGSDJG

disclamer: i am intoxicated. pelase excuse any grammar mistakes or horrible terrible shitty writing. im of the bevergaege. do not pay any attention to the state of my intoxication. i promise i am a great writer when i can type propebtely. this is not proofread.

so many updates, so little time to do the updating for my 4 followers.

context: im a senior, and im 18. lets create some code names. W is my 11th grade ap english lang teacher who is really chill. S is my tc. ANYWAYS.

S is single, but he and W kinda have some sort of thing developing. of course, i am happy for her, but i cant help but be envious. i really wish i was older. i have more or less the same "rights" as an adult, but im still not viewed as one due to being a high schooler. S is a bit of a nerd. socially awkward, a bit. me and my two friends are pretty close with W.

today was the second playoff game (we lost, 0-42) but we hardly paid any attention to the game. before comign to the game, me and my two best friends split a bottle of soji and downed a shot of mango vodka. i drink way more than they do, but somehow im a lightweight. IDK WSHY. it wore off by now so i drank a beer and now im habing a whirw claw because i need to cope. is that ok/ fuck u

anyways

W is NOT an alcohoic her life is just somewhat eventfult. neither am i. only tcc tumblr knows how hard it is to be an 18 year old girl with a crush on a much older man.

he was joking about being way oldwr than he actuallt is. he's 28. he was jokign about being 43 btu hes actually 28. only 10 years older.

hes always looking at me in class and when he's not looking at me i can fuckign tell hes trying not to look at me. and me and my two best friends know that he probably knew we drank. idk. idc. i know he wants me, and i dont care if im wrong. you need some level of delulu to get what you want.

W, S, and two other teachers were going to go out to get tequila this evening, but S instead went to the gym. WHO GOES TO THE GYM AT 9PM?? my boyfriend says its sort of normal. i already knew he frequents the gym, because i noticed the callusesdes on his hand when i shook it. my dumbass though i was speciual when he offered a handshake, but he does it to every new person he meets, of course,

i tell my boyfriend everything. i know hes the one im going to marry, despite my silly crush on my teacher. i think im going mad. of course, being the manipulative man that he is, my boyfriend taunts me, telling me that i must be imagining S when i tell him to say dirty things/. that my jealousy towards W shows i have some feelings. i want the best for W. but i want S.i want my boyftriend, but i want S, too. I love my boyfriend, but i love S, too. what is wrong with me???

my boyfriend is a whole other story.

me and my two best friends were almost being like wingwomen for W. but S was still trying his hardest to not look at me. and i know he didnt look at my friends, or W. if he wants W, its because she;s closer to his age, and he wouldnt get firesd for loving her. everything would go wrong for him if he was caught loving me. im old enough,

this post is a mess. i cant rreally writerte rn. my fingers arent working. omg. S definetly knows we were woozy. if not them, then for sure me.

[cieloclercs]

lover, you should’ve come over , send me a description of yourself + a fandom and gender preference, and i’ll ship you with a character

i want it with f1 and it doesn't matter old or current drivers. i sent you this request before but i think i forgot to add preference so it was my fault. hope it doesn't bother you that i'm sending you a new one again, if it bothers you then i'm sorry. i think it's gonna be long so... sorry in advance x2

i'm 22 and history student. i want to be an academic because knowledge is pretty much everything to me. if a djinn grant me 3 wishes, one of them would be to know everything about universe, humankind and other things. i like learning new things and i like to share them with others whether its something scientific, about history, philosophy or just random fact about pop culture it doesn't matter. sometimes i just starting to tell someone a random fact i learned out of the blue so there's that i think. i also think my love language is quality time. i'll remember whats your favorite book, movie, song, sweater, drink etc it doesn't matter i'll etch everything about you into my brain forever. its my curse, sometimes i think that way.

i like buying new books even if i have billions of them i haven't read it yet at my home it doesn't matter. i like to go museums. my idea of relaxing and holiday is going to new historical places, museums, exhibitions, watching something or reading something, explore new music etc so you get the idea.

i like to watch art movies, documentaries, keeping an eye on film festivals. my favorites are those 3 hours long old movies you can hardly find subtitles for but when you do... it gives you everything you need and more.

when i said i like learning new things i mean it as a learning different subjects or matters. it doesn't matter tbh if that thing got me interested in then you probably gonna find me searching it online at 3 am.

i'm a bit cold to others i'm not gonna lie. definetely judge someone and if i dont find them okay-ish then warming up to them and liking them is gonna be hard. i tend to isolate myself and zone out frequently when i'm overwhelmed so even if you continue to talk there's a big chance i'm not gonna hear you but i have pretty good focus so thats the plus for me.

i'm definetely quick to anger and hold grudges really well won't forget something you said to me 10 years ago. but i'm also a ride or die and would bring shovel to your house unquestioned so i guess that's even it out?

but there's a weird and kind of intimidating side of me? at least that what my friends been saying. my classmates and friends often saying to me how they were/are intimidated to talk to me because they didn't want to seem stupid or didnt gage out what would i say or react. weird side of me i think its that sometimes i tend to get awkward not gonna lie...

also i tend to get... disappear for extended period of time out of the blue. i'm just vibing at home or outside by myself. i'm happy with it but others don't.

i hope it's not too long and if it is sorry </3

i ship you with lance stroll!

— i’ve never pictured lance as the academic type per se, but i always get the sense he’s a bit of a dark horse when it comes to his talents outside of f1… i feel like he’d be super interested in all of the stuff you are, especially philosophy. once you guys start dating, i can picture him getting really into philosophy and history and reading to the point where he’s basically just feeding your own need for more knowledge (match made in heaven frrr)

— obviously the guy is loaded so he has no problem buying you whatever books you want. instead of being the kind of boyfriend that goes out and buys his girlfriend jewellery to show affection (bc his love language is DEFINITELY gift giving) he’ll buy you a ton of books instead 😭 i feel like you’ll get so used to it that every time you go out you leave a reading list on the table for him to look at, and when you get back he’ll have bought you EVERY SINGLE BOOK. even the really obscure ones, and you’re like how did he manage to find this at such short notice? 😭

— loads of your dates consist of either movie nights or trips to museums and exhibitions. you might do some more mindless lowkey stuff in-between, but lance will pretty much do whatever it is you want to do 😭 he’ll definitely surprise you with random trips to loads of interesting historical places. even if you only mention a particular place one time in passing, the next thing you know he’ll get you on his private jet and take you there for the weekend 🥹 it just shows he’s a really good listener too !! a bit like you, he just wants to commit everything about you to his memory 🤍

— i never thought i’d say this because i picture lance as being quite isolated a lot of the time, but he encourages you to get out more and stops you from retreating within yourself. he knows that you have no problem being alone with your thoughts, but he also wants you to get out and experience things with new people 🥹

— BUT on the other hand, you guys are definitely the judgy inside joke couple 😭 i mean in the sense that you tell each other everything. if you’re holding a grudge against someone for a particular reason, he knows exactly why and holds a grudge too 😭 basically you always tell each other your drama to the point where you’re essentially just sharing enemies. this unfortunate person will never know why but every time they come near you both you’ll automatically just fall silent and stare them down 😭 half the grid is scared of you both for this but it’s fine you’re iconic

— ps. i’m sorry this took so long! i’ve been mulling over this one for a while 😅

[books-and-cookies]

If you dont mind, i think i need some advice. I recently went out with my friend of nearly 15 years for their birthday. They also invited two of their friends they met at work a few years ago (ive met them before so no issue) and during the dinner, I realized halfway through it I was kinda an old childhood toy you kept around because its familiar. Every topic they went through I couldnt contribute to because I didnt work at their workplace, i dont drink alcohol and I dont play first person shooter games (or shooter games in general i enjoy puzzle games and such) and I didnt speak for 95% of the 1.5 hour get together, the one newer friend tried to bring me into conversations but then theyd jump to something new the moment i stopped talking. I realized that our friendship has kinda run its course. The things that were common interests to bring us together are no longer there anymore. I tried talking to them about books the other day and they quickly changed the subject. I try to mention writing - we both used to write and beta each others works - and i get crickets until a day later when they reply with something completely unrelated. Ive even tried with games, to connect that way but because I dont like the same types of games, that falls flat too. Im just torn. Like I said ive been friends with them for nearly 15 years. I dont Want to end the friendship, but i get left on read 9 times outta 10 while they do other things with newer friends. I get forgotten quite often. Even todays plans, I half expected the plans to be cancelled. Again. Should I just let the friendship dissolve? :/

Hey! Apologies for the delay, but i haven't been around much. :(

Unfortunately, it seems you've both grown up and grown apart and that's something that happens eventually. It takes a lot of effort to maintain a friendship for so long, and both parties need to be willing to put in the work and to me it seems your friend has already moved on.

I'd maybe talk to them about it? Share how you're feeling and see what they do. Or simply let it dissolve. Sometimes it's the healthier thing to do.

Sending hugs 🤗

[dexalyys]

cracks knuckles . (SPOILERS BY THE WAY. YKNOW.) 1) technically, i saw a clip from the anime--chaiki's jumanji lookin ass execution specifically--but i didnt recognise it until way later when i was actually watching the anime myself. that was when i was like 11 or 12 or something idr, but i actually got into it after being introduced to it via the fucking SOUTH PARK INSTAGRAM COMMUNITY. love to see it 2) thh obviously..... duh.... lol.. 3) himiko and mahiru. crazy how theyre both redheads too 💀 idk i just absolutrly DETESTED himiko in my first playthrough for whatever reason. now shes one of my top five favs ^_^ as for mahiru .. more of a recent revelation. ive been replaying sdr2 with an irl of mine every weekend lately and when i was introducing the cast i just lit up seeing mahiru for whatever reason? idk i appreciate her alot :] strange considering i found her quite annoying initially

4) do we gotta name him. cause i dont wanna. (the guy in udg. you know)

5) Many of them . primarily ouma

6) ouuuhhh a few...... only a few of them have designs though :( my fav would be uminagi solely cause shes the most accurate to the actual dr universe. in terms of personal attachmment though id say ash and sara bc i love tragic lesbiamns 7) honestly most of my thoughts here are just in the way of like .. renaming the localised talents????? 'ultimate breeder' LIKE COULD YOU NOT JUST SAY ANIMAL TRAINER ?? akane being the shsl gymnast Makes Sense but her whole thing is parkour. please can we get in the game guys

8) saihara cause hes me

9) question mar . idkj

10) dont really have one 💀 ch 1 was basic, ch 2 was transphobic, ch 3 killed two of my favs, ch 4 was just sad, ch 5 is just a whole lot of back and forth for like a million years, and ch 6 just explains everything terribly imo. i GUESS if i had to pick id say ch 4 bc aoi trying to kill everyone out of grief hits so hard

11) ch 5 tbh ^_^ we love to see a deranged king hit the wall

12) sloooow blink . idk. theyre all pretty good in terms of actual gameplay but y feelings toward them vary ig ? most of them just make me debilitatingly sad bc theyre my fav cast overall 😭 ughh idk ch 2. pretty straightforward trial imo

13) ??? HOW AM I MEANT TO PICK JUST ONE. IM A MULTISHIPPER YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME!!!! saiou gontangie amaguuji YES THEYRE ALL V3 GO AWAY

14) scrtahces head . cant get behind kuzupeko idk theyre siblings to me

15) hiyokoooooo. and sayaka bc both of them + their deaths were so rushed for literally no reason and i cannot stand for pointless girl murder!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16) looks sideways at my old old OLD fangan from like 2022............. yea.. what if u pushed a guy thru the flimsy floorboards of a hayloft and stabbed him in the chest w/ a pitchwork while he was winded (ch1)....... what if u and ur impropmptu girlfriend pinned another girl to the gym wall w/ arrows and an axe to the head and ur gf tried to take the blame so u could get away (ch2)....... what if everyone was chained together in pairs by collars so u pushed two of them off either side of a catwalk except Your partner was one of them's sibling so u had to kill them too except it turned out the other sibling survived and ratted u out (ch3)....... what if u were locked in a room and had to trust some random guy on the other side of the door to bring u food and drink for several days so u earn his trust by sharing ur food w/ him only to get ur pet cat to poison him bc yoire claustrophobic (ch4)........

17) kirumi is they/he tmasc sorry i dont make thr rules .. also korekiyo is tfem & het ....... mondo is also nobinary ,,..... him & fujisaki kiss and taka is their mutual qpp ...... gundham & sonia r also qpps and souda just cant wrap his head aroudn it so he thinks theyr dating (not that he had a chance w either of them anyway)

18) some of them are so so so well made i just havemnt had the chance to play any for myself............ i want 2 tho

19) KOMAEDA WOULD BE A KITSUNE AND YOU CANNOT TELL ME OTHERWISE (& kiyo would be a naga)

20) IDONT EVEN KNOW. MAYBE OUMA IN GENERAL

21) takes a long swig from an already empty bottle . Oh Buddy

22) life size recreation of the fucking vatican city

23) BETA KOMAEDA W/ GLASSES COME BACK TO MEEEEE also ibuki & that one black sakura concept w the sick ass locs

24) prologue saihara/kagehara BUT HES NORMAL. HES JUST AUTISTIC STOP MAKING HIM A FREAK

25) gotta rummage through my aged & fragile memories 4 this one......... umm i think gundham surprised me? i mean the whole of that chapter confuses and pisses me off so ehhhh

26) ur gonna tell me ibuki didnt get a crazy girl murder moment. unbelievable

27) as long as i stay in my room and only leave for food ill be fine right

28) oouuuuuummaaaaaaa

29) idk about Benefitting from it but likeeee what if gontangie talent swap

30) mahiruuuu :3333

31) ummm naegis has no spice and i KNOW thats the point but idc. hinata rocks the 'i have nothing going on in the closet' look better than naegi and hes only got ONE shirt on

32) methinks fujisaki gundham & gonta would vibe nicely ^_^

33) i never played it but i think komahina holding hands is cute

34) this answer would be about ouma but it would literally take up 80% of the post and i aint about to do y'all in like that

35) yes kodaka thats nice and all but WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY

36) chihiro :( :( :( :( :(

37) ??? WHEN I WAS PSYCHOTIC YEAH MAYBE?? 

38) frog blinks. ummmm idk i think they all earned their fanbases but--and im summoning hell here--i dont really understand the gundham hype? hes neat but i dont rlly feel anything in particular for his character

39) ouma has enough love but he also has equal amounts of hate so i think we should just eliminate all haters ^_^ this applies to himiko too

40) i Enjoy them from a Distance . aint got the time in my schedule to do anything crazy for a date once a year ok

41) some r realistic and some r not ........... i like the rrealistic ones but dont quote me on that bc im a diehard komaeda fan talent & all

42) avoiding the fandom is the #1 surefire way to avoid poor mental health in the long run im so srs

43) GESTURES VIOLENTLY AT THAT ONE GUY ????? YOU KNOW THE FUCKIN ONE

44) the Actual dr3 anime? banger. BANGERRR. provides necessary context for sdr2 and bridges between the first and second games :] unless you mean the thh animation, in which case IT CAN FUCK OFF BACK TO ITS HOME PLANET =^_^=

45) big fan of the way komaru is bipolar

46) kagehara is NOT A FREAK!!!!! him and iruma were close and also bon & yumeno are half siblings for literally no reason

47) girl idgaf abt them

48) POINTING VIOLENTLY AT GONTANGIE. I AM SO ALONE IN THIS WORLD

49) i dontttt? caaaareeeee?

50) ndrv3 but yall already knew that

★彡 Danganronpa Asks 彡★

What was your first exposure to Danganronpa?

Which was your first Danganronpa game?

Did you have a character you hated at first, and then fell in love with? Who and why?

Which character can you absolutely not stand?

Which character would you hypothetically die for?

Do you have a fan character? Tell us about them!

You get the chance to reassign five characters new talents. Who do you choose, and which new talents do they get?

Who is your favorite protagonist?

Who is your least favorite protagonist?

Which was your favorite trial from THH?

Which was your favorite trial from SDR2?

Which was your favorite trial from V3?

What is your OTP?

What is your NOTP?

Which character do you think could benefit from a total rewrite?

Do you have any ideas for a Danganronpa murder? Share!

List five headcanons for your favorite characters!

How do you feel about fangames?

What kind of fantasy creature would you make [X] character?

What is your favorite aspect of Danganronpa?

What do you think could be improved about Danganronpa?

What’s a setting you’d love to see for a Killing Game?

Which are your top three favorite beta designs?

Which character do you most identify with?

Which character surprised you when they were revealed to be the blackened?

Which character did you expect to be the blackened, but wasn’t?

You’re placed in a Killing Game as yourself (who you are now, no perks). How far do you believe you’d get?

Who is your preferred rival?

Talent swap time! Which two characters do you think would benefit best from a talent swap?

Whose design do you enjoy the most? 

Whose design do you dislike the most?

Which two characters from different games do you believe would get along the most?

What is your favorite interaction from the Talent Development Program?

What is your opinion on [X] character?

What is your honest opinion on the end of V3?

Which character do you wish had more screen time? Why?

Have you ever wanted to run a Killing Game yourself? 

Which character do you feel is too popular amongst the fans, in your opinion?

Which character do you feel deserves more love?

Do you celebrate character birthdays?

What is your opinion on Ultimate Talents being similar to low-level super powers?

How do you feel about the Danganronpa fandom as a whole?

Which is the most offensive Danganronpa character, in your opinion?

How do you feel about the anime?

What is your opinion on Ultra Despair Girls?

What are some of your pregame headcanons?

What are some of your Remnant of Despair headcanons?

Do you have any rare pairs?

Which is your least favorite installment?

Which is your favorite installment?

[navire190413]

i am exhausted. i really need to stop drinking so much. i almost didnt make it into work today just because i wanted to sleep more. probably since i've been going to bed around 2 every night. i really gotta adjust my life style soon or i feel like there will be serious consequences somehow.

ive been considering giving up on x-chan. its been 4 months since we broke up, and then 3 months as "friends", where we're just doing this stupid game of ohhh we like eachother so much one week then dont like each other the next week, repeat. we met up after work yesterday and went to 神田 to go to 神田屋. idk why we even went there, x-chan hates chain izakayas. we only had one drink then decided to walk to 秋葉原。we found another chain izakaya to go to since they allow smoking at your seat. usually when we're together he always holds my hand, but he didnt reach for it at all last night, so i didnt reach for his either. i felt like, oh maybe its actually over now and we're just actually going to act like friends and not be all ラブラブ like we are most of the time. 

we left pretty early after having 2 mega lemon sours and some food. he was exhausted from work and was basically falling asleep at the table. we said bye and didnt kiss or anything. i went to my usual bar for a drink or two before going home. most of the usual people were there but i mostly just drank by myself and played with my phone. i was too exhausted and over thinking everything to even try to communicate in japanese. 

i texted x-chan while i was there saying i wanted to hold his hand earlier but didnt know if it was okay or not so i refrained. he told me its always okay and he likes when i do it, so i guess i will from now on. i also told him i still like him and after i got drunk i asked him to please tell me if he ever starts talking to a girl romantically so i can stop pursuing him out of respect for the both of them. he agreed, so i guess i should stop worrying about if he's talking to anyone until he tells me he is. 

my old drinking buddy ended up coming to the bar while i was there and we drank until 11:30, which is why im so fucking exhausted today. he's american from texas and has been in japan for less than a year. he's kind of sort of studying japanese but he hasnt really made much progress lately haha. he teaches english and is stuck in that terrible cycle. i couldnt do it. all of the people i know who are english teachers are miserable and on the verge of offing themselves. the pay is too low and their hours too long and they have weird ass fucking contracts with barely any time off. i definitely got lucky when i decided to go to language school. but also extremely lucky i had the means to save up for it and afford it. i love japan but i dont love it enough to become an english teacher just for a visa. i would absolutely move back to the states before i even considered teaching english as a job. which is why i was so panicked the entire time i was job hunting. 

im sure if i didnt come to work today it would have been fine, but i had a cold two weeks ago and something about me missing 3 days of work in a month when i just got my work visa 2 months ago doesnt sit right with me. i got ready in 10 minutes today so i could sleep in the max amount of time possible and didnt even bother with makeup. i really gotta get my shit togetherrrrrrr. x-chan also doesnt want to drink as much anymore and wants to save money, so if i stop hanging out with him as much i wont be drinking as much or spending as much money either. but if i dont hang out with him as much, he'll start hanging out with other girls! i dont think he will but my ocd is killing me. i want to give up so bad. i tried my hardest to make things right between us, but they keep going from good to bad and then from bad to good and i am frankly emotionally exhausted. he texted ME good morning today, and that made me more happy than it should have. i need to stop wasting my emotional resources on this and focus on myself. its so hard. 

i think im gonna go pray at a temple this weekend. it usually helps me clear my head and i feel like my luck usually turns around when i do. fighting the urge to look up 縁結び祈願 temples because i should pray about getting my life together, not getting back with x-chan haha. i typed this then immediately invited him to go with me.

i do the money management and accounting at my job. im still being trained on how they like their stuff organized and how to do everything the right way in japan. japan's tax system is so complicated compared to how "streamlined" it is in the states. also having to add up big amounts of money here is kind of comical. so many 0's. so. many. 0's. also dont ask me to say any number larger than 999万円 outloud because it takes me like 10 seconds to count from the end of the number and backwards to understand if its 万 or 億.

i need to go shooting soon. i have a photo series in mind, but it requires me being out all night long until like 6am, and i dont feel comfortable doing it alone since random men always approach me when im by myself so im kind of relying on my friends to go with me. i also keep blowing off my friends to hangout and try to woo x-chan. my life is a mess. i also need to study instead of drinking every night. and i need to not go to the bar as much so i can save up to move. and and and and. and i need to buy more film for my camera. and i want to play pokemon in my free time. and i need to study more japanese grammar for my job because im forgetting a lot of it now that im not going to school everyday. and and and and. i need to go to the grocery store after work today.

yesterday on my way to the station after work, there was a guy puking on the sidewalk. first thought was, okay gross? and at 5:30? kind of fucking early to be hammered… then i looked at his vomit and it was a giant amount of unchewed ramen noodles. like. so so so much. we made eye contact and that man was in PAIN. i wonder if he just overate or something instead of being drunk 😂 that image of those fucking noodles will stay with me forever.

i need to do laundry and clean my room when i get home tonight.

[pwblogarchive]

February 2008

February 3, 2008

“Try lying for a change, it's the currency of the world.”

its oddly haunting the way that sometimes entries from a year ago can reflect perfectly how i feel today.

its like an echo sent out over the weeks and months and pages of the calendar.

not always but sometimes.

a few weeks ago i considered mentioning the fact that while i once wrote "every new years is worse than the last" i didnt feel that way anymore

oh eight had broken the january curse

now im glad i didnt

cuz i realized it might not have

it may have just pushed it back a month

or extended it, depending on how this all looks on play-back

i find it a bit odd to be waiting for retrospect

Posted by xoat 10:41 PM

February 12, 2008

“honestly, afraid. i cant ever sleep either.”

Put the the planets in swing

Make jupiter sing

The afternoon light

Ignites

The back of my head

Spend years trying to cloud our head and not feel a thing

Just to turn around and erase the clouds so we can remember everything

Throw handcuffs on that boy

When the check comes he never pays

His cheekbones carve my moods

He shakes like a leaf

He's clicking like an old answering machine

He howls at the moon

He's breathes wet thru insect eyes

Canyon lights at night chase away the boring days

And I don't worry about death because I've seen the date I'm gonna die and its so far away.

Posted by xoat 1:55 AM

February 16, 2008

“part two (i forget so much of what i write its beginning to scare me).”

hes a lonely planet

dont stir and wake

everythings ok

give or take

the cats got the canary spinning in its ribcage

did i mention i came dressed for the intervention

(and if you were dying soon would you try to find snow in the deep summer

the june bugs dancing in wonder

and i still wonder now

if my words will stil turn you inside out)

hes a honeyjar

with that pretty face, lets never lose the lid

and keep those rosey lips in

(he breathes wet through insect eyes)

in multiples of four, no less than sixteen

sandmans been showing his beam

when he walks into a room the walls lean in to listen

keep a calendar this way youll know the last time you came through

oh.

"i know what youre going through"

well i dont- its more of a "paper or plastic" grocery store choice to me

but ill sympathize with anything to get through to you

do you know what its like to watch reruns of yourself night after night

to offer nothing and expect everything in return

to cock your head just right to appear arrogantly humble

if we hurry well make the morning edition

cos everybody likes to read the bad news

theyve tapped the phone be very careful what you say

speak in code about singing birds and sleepy eyed women

his heads a junkyard for rusted midnight thoughts

hes criminally carefree

when the pills swallow the worry

hes digging like forty nine

hes making you press rewind

hes a thunderstorm so bright you shut your eyes

he is a hurricane

Posted by xoat 3:15 AM

February 18, 2008

“mc hammer and miss piggy bank”

i get bright ideas in dark rooms

red rooster combs on our head

we are galaxies

a catipillar that got stuck

mr moth come quick with any luck

long walk in a dark house

a roman candle heart

keep us far apart

tour is just thinking you have been in every hotel, club or truck stop before.

it is deja vu personified.

all full of love so much that my teeth are floating.

February 19, 2008

“the oxidation of Joan of Arc.”

the mind drinks less and less.

impatience.

highways full of crowds going somewhere, somewhere, somewhere, nowhere.

The gasoline refugee.

Towns turn into motels,

people in nomadic surges from place to place,

following the moon tides,

living tonight in the room where you slept this noon and I the night before.

Posted by xoat 12:31 AM

[bluntz420x]

Is your birth year an odd or even number? Odd.

Which one of your friends is the most outgoing? hmm, probably the younger ones, lol.

Have you eaten any of your favourite foods today? i just woke up like an hour ago, so no, i havent eaten anything yet today.

When did you last find yourself in an awkward situation? if i paid attention to stuff like that, probably more often than i think.

What did you have for lunch yesterday? i think all i had was a bagel, before dinner.

In school, which subject(s) do/did you find the most difficult? applied maths, like statistics.

Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What’s his/her star sign? wow LOL, i have no idea. i joined facebook like 15 years ago.

Who did you last say “thank you” to? Why? probably kyle. he ran in the house two times to get stuff i forgot.

Name a band you like, that starts with the same letter as your surname. nothing is jumping out to me.

When was the last time you ignored, or went against, someone’s advice? ha, i think this is another one of those things where, if i paid attention, id know the answer.

What happened? lol see above, who knows.

How many different towns/cities have you lived in? ive never lived outside of the greater metropolitan area of the immediate city near me.

Who is the 10th contact in your phone? What’s his/her favourite food? LOL thats someone in my neighborhood. i dont know them personally at all.

When was the last time you felt your heart racing? last night.

Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? OF COURSE DUH lol.

How old were your parents when they met? when they met, i believe my mom was around 25 and my dad was around 30. could have been maybe 2 years before that, tops. they didnt date long before getting pregnant with my older brother.

When was the last time you had Nutella? a few months ago. i binged it and got tired of it.

Who is your favourite character in “The Simpsons”? lisa, hands down.

How about “The Big Bang Theory”? i dont like that show. its never been that funny to me.

What are your parents’ middle names? this is a security question if ive ever seen it, lol.

Who is the 2nd contact in your phone? What colour are his/her eyes? i just saw him the other night and i have no idea, LOL. dude is high af whenever we hang out so XD

Name someone with a sexy sounding voice. my husband.

What genre(s) of music did you listen to 10 years ago? same stuff really. ive had eclectic taste my entire life.

Are your eyes the same colour as your sibling’s? yes, just different shades. my brother has the lightest eyes, my sister is the darkest, and that leaves me in the middle lol.

How many pets do you have? Would you like any more? i have 3 cats and 1 dog. i definitely want more, when we move into a larger space with a yard. i think max cats in a house will be 4 probably, max dogs will be 2.

Do you prefer still or sparkling drinks? still. i cannot stand carbonation.

Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm? not really. i love reggae lately.

What colour are the eyes of the person you have feelings for? my husbands eyes are blue.

Is there a song that you’re fed up of hearing? no lol.

Did you have a strange or interesting dream last night? i cant remember my dream from last night. i think it was all right. i didnt wake up uneasy lol.

Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? hm, if yes, it happened so long ago i cant remember lol, sorry.

Name 3 things that are in your refrigerator atm. milk, creamer, butter.

If your Facebook status doesn’t get any likes/comments, does it bother you? no. if i post, i post because i want to, not because im looking for attention.

Which friend do you confide in most? kyle mostly, then lizzy second.

What does your 6th text message say? pfft who knows, modern texting isnt like that.

What was your most recent reason for smiling? :) probably kyle lol. its usually kyle.

Do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings? not really. i have worked very hard to get decent at that.

Have you ever watched a Sons of Anarchy? nope.

Do you want to see The Woman In Black? i would, i guess. i like daniel radcliffe. it just looked too scary at the time.

Has a random guy ever asked you for your phone number? i dont think so.

Has a guy ever pulled over to ask for your number or call you hot? LOL no, the opposite actually, ive been heckled.

How attracted are you to the last person that kissed you? quite!

Name something that you are doing tonight. putting off actual work lol.

Are you a jealous person? uh, i mean i have the capacity to be jealous, but i dont think id be described as a jealous person.

Do you like February? not really. its the shortest month of the year, but because its at the end of winter, it feels like the longest month of the year.

Where have you lived throughout your life? just around the current area.

Have you ever known a white supremacist? probably. im pretty outspoken tho so i doubt a supremacist of any variety would tell me that they are.

What were you doing an hour ago? ugh, sitting in this same spot at my desk, feeling less lost i suppose lol.

In regards to who do you think ‘what if?’? Link XD "what if he was real" no other what ifs anymore.

Do you like the smell of a barbecue? fuck yes.

Do you get excited when you find Sanrio products at Wal-Mart? no.

Are you 420 friendly? absolutely!

Do you own a Champion’s sport bra? champions? like champion brand? no.

Do you watch Justified? nope.

How many cups of tea of coffee do you have in a day? 1-2. i drink half caff usually though.

Do you own a varsity jacket? no.

Dolce Vita or Jeffrey Campbell? who?

Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum? oof… ryan gosling. hes more my type.

Has anyone ever called you apathetic or unemotional? LOL yes, both. a therapist before, actually.

Would you rather someone you loved passionately hate you or be indifferent to you? hate me! then i have a goal to make the feeling mutual.

Have you read Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre? no, but i want to.

I bet you miss somebody right now? duh!

What are you planning on doing after this? work. snooze.

How much money do you spend in a month on clothes or accessories? barely anything. i dont like shopping like that anymore.

What was the last clothing item you wore that doesn’t belong to you? i wear kyles shirts and pants sometimes, but his stuff is my stuff LOL, so… good question.

Do you watch Jersey Shore? no.

Do you have a thing with someone? yes, my husband.

Do you have any bruises on either of your legs? i found a mystery bruise on sunday, but that happens lol.

Who was the last person to touch your stomach? kyle.

Something tragic just happened. Does your facial expression show it? most likely. im not good at hiding stuff, at least to people who know my face well enough. to those that dont, i tend to show RBF apparently.

Who is the cleverest (crafty) person you know? i really dont know. i dont like crafts, or craft people lol, so i cant think of anyone in my life like that rn.

Do you think people who know a lot of facts are really smart? no. i think most folks know enough facts to be impressive.

Welcome! And you are? your mom.

When you buy/recieve new clothes, do you instantly wear them or wash first? wash!

Do you hate using public restrooms? idk about hate. its necessary sometimes.

What’s the weirdest item you’ve seen for sale on Ebay? pft i saw a meme of a walking stick that was a bull's penis, iirc.

Do you check to make sure there’s TP before using the restroom? ha! i wish.

Do you drunk dial/text? i used to, as if it was a pastime.

Why are mall Santas always portrayed as drunken, depressed old men? search me.

Have you ever built a massive snow fort? i dont think so?

What household chore do you loathe? i dislike dishes, theyre usually gross because the boy doesnt rinse his dishes properly before putting them in the sink.

Are parents to blame for what their kids do on the Internet? nope! only if the parents allow unrestricted access to their children, then yes. its like kicking your kid outside in the general public to fend for themselves. what do you think theyre gonna do? children are mischievous by nature, dude.

Would you care to meet Tom, the creator of MySpace? not really. i dont care lol.

Have you ever looked at a person and thought they looked like an animal? omg yes! i love telling my loved ones what kind of animals other people look like sometimes lol.

Do you use acronyms to remember things? yes.

Do you take pills like Tylenol for the littlest aches and pains? no. i dont like increasing tolerance to pain meds needlessly.

What would you do for a Klondike bar? i wouldnt.

Don’t you think Crocs are ugly? yes, i do think they are ugly. and disgusting. if i see someone wearning crocks period, i know their feet are rank as fuck. i dont care if youre wearing socks, those are fucking PLASTIC shoes.

When was the last time you went rollerskating? a couple years ago.

What trend do you hate right now? i never like trends.

Do you really follow trends, or just wear what you like? i wear what i want to wear.

How many times do you think you go out to eat each month? too many times! too much fast food!

Do you call people “dude” a lot? yeah lol, i call everyone dude.

Who was your favorite Ninja Turtle? mikie was my favorite growing up because hes so food focused and funny. anymore, donatello, because purple is dope and hes the smarest guy.

Horror flicks make you: laugh, scream, or squirm? all of the above!

If you could become a doctor, what would you specialize in? psychology.

What’s the cutest thing a little kid has ever said to/in front of you? thats a good question. kids say the darnest things.

At what age do you plan on moving out? i moved out over 10 years ago lol.

Did any characters from TV shows scare you as a kid? Which one(s)? yes. the crypt keeper from tales from the crypt namely. the ventriloquist doll from peewee's playhouse.

What’s the saddest thing you’ve heard on the news recently? the news is always sad lol.

Do you believe that acupuncture works? i think that if someone believes it works and they get it done and they feel better after, it worked. like most things, i think faith is required.

Have you ever been hypnotised? nope, but id like to try.

If you got expelled from school, would you continue your education? LOL sure.

How long does it take before you trust a person? good question. im hard of trusting these days.

Do you ever wish you had Jedi powers? duh lol. i wish i had anything superhuman.

Will we ever get to see Jack’s face (guy from Jack-in-Box commercials)? i dont care.

Would you kick it with Jay and Silent Bob? YES DUH.

Say…would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? sure.

Would a wax museum scare you or amuse you? SCARE. even pictures of wax figures creep me out.

What’s the first food you can smell when you enter the mall? its been a long time lol, i doubt i know anymore.

Have you ever made a time capsule? What did you put in it? i never have.

What would you do if your mom or dad read your diary/journal/blog? this has happened before lol. they took me to the hospital and i got held for 2 nights, mandatory for any check in, even tho the doctor told me that night that i was fine. idiot parents lol. dont read your kid's shit and NOT talk to them later. what the fuck.

Do you turn the music up when a good song comes on? DUH.

Do you know anyone with a lisp? probably.

Do you hate going to the doctor? no.

Why did the dish run away with the spoon? Why not the fork or knife? i dont care.

What is the worst hurt you’ve ever experienced? good question. in recent memory, when i was under so much stress and trauma that my body locked up and i had to go to physical therapy at the ripe age of 32 because my back made me cry almost daily.

Do you wish time went faster or slower? slower dude.

Do you write thank-you notes? for what? lol. i dont throw parties, i dont hold milestone events, none of that.

If you were to break a Guinness Record, which one would you try and beat? im just not interested. never have been.

Are you distracted by shiny objects? i mean, probably, i am an animal. but not for long.

What’s the coolest item in your room? HA! cool. probably my bed.

Are you grateful for what you have? i practice gratitude every day. im lucky it comes naturally.

Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? who cares.

Are you scared of clowns? uh, they make me uncomfortable, but idk if im scared…

Are you accident-prone? isnt everyone? nah, not more than anyoneelse.

As a kid, what was your favorite activity on the playground? shoot, just kicking it with the homies.

Are huge muscles gross or sexy? not my thing.

Have you ever fished and caught something weird? never fished in my life.

Your final thoughts…? ugh, why didnt more time pass?

[sflksjlksflksj]

personal diary

day 3 of remembering to write. things at home seem to be doing better. I tell my husband alot of whats on my mind when i am struggling and he always does his best to help me. He’s a huge workaholic. If he doesnt have work he is doing things around the house, doing yard work or helping me clean and upkeep the house. He only gets like at most 2 days off a week and his past 3 days off he has spent it mostly with me and just being there for me instead of doing stuff and it has helped me alot. Sometimes i need days where we are just cuddling and going with the flow. I think alot of my issues with newer/younger couples is that i feel like me and him will never have those same moments again and that makes me envious and feel like we arent soulmates. I know we are soulmates. i just lose myself in family life sometimes and need him to breathe fresh air into me so i can focus on myslef and not my surroundings. I hate his brother and i wish i didnt as much as i do. I hate him so much that seeing him be a 19 year old drop out isnt good enough for me. I hate that his mother got him a car. i hate that he has never held down a job longer than a few weeks. I hate that he dates around like crazy and brings these girls home for days to even weeks at a time. it feels like for me at least, me and his brother got the shit end of the stick when it comes to when we first started dating. His mother was always shaming us or critisizing us and we had jobs and were doing shit. But his brother is smoking weed and ditching school and she is buying him dinner everynight and...well at least thats how i feel. i know my feelings are exaggerated more than 86 percent of the time so i need to get over it. talking things out with my husband helps a load but it helps alot to write it down too and see how far ive matured and far ive come. I have kept multiple diarys before on laptops and computers but it was always private and i always lost them when i sold/broke the computers so itll be nice to have sometjhing thatll be online forever and i can look back on. i know i have matured alot but i also have gone downhill in some other aspects. for instance i have been drinking alot more, like 4-5 days out of the week i mix vodka into juice and drink like 7-10 cups. Not good at all. i have never gotten drunk and thats what started this drinking was that i wanted to get drunk once and it didnt work so every night ive been drinking here and there and now its becoming a destress thing and i hate it. i dont need alchohol but im feeling like i am starting down that road and i dont know how to stop exactly. Ill set out not to buy any and then ill just ask my husband to pick some up and he always is up for it. i dont know. when i drink i do care alot less about those thoughts in my head. I was able to acutally sit on the couch and talk and vibe with my mother in law while i was drunk. i know i am being stupid. my mother in laws ex husband was a alchohlic and i am sure she can see any signs of someone intoxicated. she hasnt said anything to me and we have been getting along great since then. i love my kids so much and i am so unhealthy currently. the worst i have ever been. and not only am i the fattest i have ever been but now i am drinking and i am so scared of now being able to do better. ive been talking for weeks about going on a diet but i have no fucking self control or discipline to do it and i hate so much how good i am at dissasociating with my problems. i hope i can get better with time man. i am hoping that as i grow and mature ill get some fucking self control. ive been able to reign myself in mentally sometimes when i find myself going off on unhealthy tangents in my head but again, it doesnt work for long and i always end up thinking the same way within minutes. i am going for a week to visit my dad and my step mum and let them see the boys and i am hoping there i can quit this drinking and possibly not binge eat shit and that can be my little taste of being the responsible adult i hope to be soon.

[surveysonfleek]

1658.

What is in the back seat of your car right now? a box, a coat, umbrella, box of tissues and more shit tbh. i need to clean.

What was the last thing you threw up? i dont remember the last time i threw up actually!

Menthol or regular cigarettes? i dont smoke anymore but when i used to, it was strictly menthols

What is your favorite episode of Friends? hot take but i dont watch friends. ive tried before and just didnt find it funny

Does anyone have any blackmail on you? no lol

If you could marry any celebrity today who would it be? i wouldnt, i havent had a true celeb crush in so long! if any celeb was the ‘package’ it would be wentworth miller but he’s gay so i wouldnt stand a chance 

Have you been to a strip club? never! i actually cant believe i havent

Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you? yes

Are you wearing socks right now? nope, its a cold night too

What was the last thing you had to drink? water

What are you wearing right now? pjs

Last food you ate? pizza

Have you bought any clothing items in the last week? yeah i bought a few new dresses for the warmer seasons plus two upcoming weddings

When is the last time you ran? haha like 2 weeks ago?

What’s the last sporting event you watched? im watching a football game while doing this

Last person’s house you were in? my fiances

Last movie you saw? catwoman. yeah, its as bad as they say it is lol

Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook? andrew

Ever go to camp? while i was in school, yes

Were you an honor roll student in school? we didnt have one at my school. they would honour first in class for each subject

Do you like sushi? yes, one of my fave foods

Do you have a tan? not right now

How old do you want to be when you have kids? im already 31 so hopefully i can get pregnant after the wedding next year

Have you ever drank your soda from a straw? of course

What is your age? ^

Are you someone’s best friend? yes

Where is your dad right now? at home What was the last thing you said? oh well

What color is your watch? rose gold

What do you think of when you think of Australia? home? lol

Ever ridden on a roller coaster? yes

Favorite gemstone? diamonds for sure. i never used to really care about them but after getting engaged i just cant stop looking at it

Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru

Do you have a roommate? no Do you have any bad habits? complaining lol

What is your favorite number? 7

Do you know anyone named Lori? yes but spelt differently

What color is your mom’s hair? black

Do you have a dog? not anymore :( i miss him everyday

What happened to you in 1993? i was a toddler

Does your first memory involve your dad? i remember him coming home from a trip once and me running through the hallways to hug him

Do you remember singing any songs as kids? yes of course! i used to have disney singalong video tapes lol

When was the last time you went swimming? april

Has your luggage ever gotten lost? yes lmao. i got talked into checking in my hand carry luggage and of course it got lost. it turned up a week later and the airline delivered it to my house

Biggest annoyance in your life right this minute? losing weight in time for the wedding :(

Have you ever thought it would be cool to smash a guitar? nope, id just feel guilty

Do you like watching a bonfire? sure

Are you allergic to anything? dairy

What is one thing you miss about your past? not having to worry about anything

Do you ever get flu shots? i actually dont. knock on wood but i havent had the flu in years

Favorite shoes that you wear all the time? black huaraches 

What is one thing you’ve learned about life recently? not to worry about work. 

Are you jealous of anyone? no

Is anyone jealous of you? haha no

[lukesperfectharmonyhair]

im rewatching jatp instead of studying for the 3 tests i have tomorrow and i thought i would share my thoughts and reactions with each episode so enjoy!!....

wake up

- hearing the “1, 2, 3″ at the start of the episode gives me more serotonin than my antidepressants ever will

- julie’s slippers...that’s it...that’s the thought

- that dry ass pasta the molina’s are eating for dinner??? someone needs to give my man ray some cooking tips or a cookbook... something

-the looks the boys give julie when she says it was an OLD cd she found. as if they could be old??

-the entire julie and luke kitchen scene i mean there are no words to describe how much i am in love with scene. the banter, the flirting, luke giving this girl he literally just met an actual PIECE OF HIS SOUL so she can get music back into her life. not a single time have i watched that scene and not felt my heart literally grow cause of how cute they are. 

-the entire scene when julie is singing wake up. that scene is what made me literally CRAVE watching the other episodes. like of course i was going to watch them cause i wasn’t gonna just stop watching a show after one episode, and yes the show was good already but seeing the lighting and her voice, and just everything about the scene,,,,*chef’s kiss* 

bright

-flynn drinking seven sodas....SEVEN??? i would be throwing up if i drank more than like 2 and she drank seven,,,no ma’am.

- flynn and her trumpet. talented queen

- “ i wouldn’t have given you the song if i didnt think you were gonna rock it.” lmaooo im crying:)

- i start tearing up every time julie goes to play the first notes of bright,,, and then i’m full on bawling when the guys come in and play with her cause...they weren’t playing to be seen they were playing to be there for her and play to comfort her. pls i love them<3

- nick vibing in the front row

- the tech guy deserves so much more praise

flying solo

- reggie’s little butt shake or whatever you wanna call it!!

- julie’s little laugh when she yells at the guys to stop it

- “and we’re on the runway again” GENUINELY one of my favorite lines of the whole show pls i love luke’s humor

-this is the first time i noticed this but reggie’s face after alex says “DONT TELL ME HOW TO GHOST!”

-WILLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU<3333333

-the slow mo helmet take off,,,,me too alex me too

-willie’s little giggles:))))

- “oh-oh!”

- “no clue” alex i love you baby<3

- next season better give us a scene of flynn throwing eggs at someone’s house because i think it’s safe to say we were robbed of that experience. 

- the flying solo performance is just amazing

i got the music

- just the whole opening scene is so cute ....the dancing, singing, happiness RADIATING from julie 

-nick in an all white suit and fedora

-WILLEX MUSEUM DATE YEAH BABYYYYY

- carefree skateboarder bf and anxiety ridden drummer bf

- yelling. in. museums. 

-alex thinking he’s literally dying again because of the salt... zero braincells in this band.

- another scene we were robbed of that i need to see in season 2...reggie singing “home is where my horse is” while alex and julie sit patiently and attentively listen to him but luke looks like he’s about to commit murder

- i get SO MUCH second hand embarrassment for julie when she looks through luke’s songbook and says “ wow luke I didn’t know you were such a romantic” julie baby i love you but...eekkkkk

- “he looks like a substitute teacher”- where did he come up with that like so many other things he could be compared to but a substitute teacher??

- “luke introduced you to rock” heck yeah it did.. literal soulmates

- would like to see a picture of the raccoon in Flynn’s backyard

- wee woo wee woo police sirens://///

- julie’s outfit ughhhh i love it

- the poster that im pretty sure says “sexiest role” behind caleb... why was that necessary 

the other side of hollywood

- THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE OF THE OTHER SIDE OF HOLLYWOOD 

- i lose my absolute shit over this song omg literal chills

- the cape grab i cannot physically do this rn

- willie being so excited the entire performance and looking over to see alex’s reaction

- reggie being in awe everytime one of the girls performing does something.. me too reggie

-”well i wouldn't really call it mAAgiCcCC bUT”

- nick and his fedora again

- alex has a crush, alex has a crush on.....WILLIE

-the boys eating food for the first time in 25 years is honestly so realistic

-alex shoving a whole slice of pizza in his mouth

- lukes ‘OH MY GODDDDD’

- reggie kissing his meatball sub that looks painfully dry but also delicious 

- the continuation of the other side of hollywood performance and everyone dancing

-reggie imitating caleb’s evil laugh and owen trying so hard not to break

-me getting mad at the boys for not showing up for julie and being sad with her but at the same time i’m obviously not mad at the boys just...disappointed?? idk 

finally free

- how did julie get to the school if she missed the first three classes?? wasn’t she still at flynn’s house from the night before cause she slept over so did she walk to school or was she just sitting in flynn’s house by herself and one of flynn’s parents was like you gonna go to school or???

-dance class with nicky poo<3

-reggie fixing his amp in the rain

-julie’s blue dress outfit in this episode is my ABSOLUTE favorite 

- the birthday candle scene makes me sob like a little baby,,,and rightfully so

- julie smart, smart to be taking calculus as what a sophomore??

- all eyes on me yes queen iconic

- alex dancing is how i dance in my brain whenever the song comes on 

- finally free as a song is NEVER given enough credit and why not?? it’s my favorite song they do as a band AND the madison’s vocals and the echoing part omg i loveeeee

- and the whole performance with luke’s heart eyes. i count this performance as the moment luke like fell in love with julie...like full on just blown away with how much awe and admiration he has for her in that moment and all the time.

 - julie and luke singing “and you’re a part of me” while staring directly into each others soul,,,yeah that’s love kids

edge of great

- carlos being the ghost hunter he is and tía being done with him

- luke’s pouting face 

- reggie and ray making breakfast together is so wholesome. reggie really loves and seeks comfort in ray and i love that

- luke just waiting next to julie’s locker and his little “hey”

- the first time i watch this scene i thought charlie was from new york cause of the way he says “ i can't do this without you” and then i watched the cast interviews and just realized he is somewhat joey tribbiani 

- jealous luke hehehehehhehehe

- “well dont you look shARrP”- yes he does luke thank you very much

- “uh oh i think someone has a crush on julie” yeah you do you little shit,,, now admit it to her

- the proud look on luke’s face when he realizes julie is still paying attention to HIM even though she’s supposed to be having a full on conversation with nick

- the shoulder push ( as someone who has had their own shoulder pushed in the middle of a high school hallway as a weird way of flirting,,,,i can definitely somewhat attest to how luke is feeling in that moment and i too continued to flirt with the person who shoulder shoved me while we were still standing in the hallway)

- the flow from whatever the hell dance nick and julie are doing and the perfect harmony dance is so special to me and i love it

-ADOANCLOBNAOVBCOAB THE HAIR PLSSSSS

- EVERYTIME THE SCENE COMES ON AND I SEE HIM WALKING THROUGH THE MIRROR I HAVE TO PAUSE THE SHOW FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES WHILE I DIE LAUGHING BECAUSE THE HAIR IS SO BAD EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD BE USED TO HOW IT LOOKS AFTER WATCHING THIS SHOW LITERALLY 30 TIMES

- i think people see my username and assume i like his hair in this scene but...ummm fun little fact i do not like it

- the dance is so good though ugh my babies

- the hair

- madison is gorgeous 

- another season 2 scene i need: julie teaching this dance to luke and they perform it in front of alex and reggie so they can see luke roll on the floor like that

-the hair

- the lift i loveeee

- the voices at the end of the song *chef’s kiss*

- the way julie spins out from luke and into nick omg so good

- “thAnKs pArTnER”

- luke denying his feelings for julie,,,babe pls

- the whole edge of great performance is so good and beautiful and the colors are SPECTACULAR 

-julie avoiding luke’s gaze lolz

- can't believe my mans really tried to deny he didn’t have feelings for julie like 5 hours earlier even though he’s getting upset because she hasn’t looked at him in 2 minutes

- THE. GUITAR. RIFF. SOLO.

- when i finally learn how to play the electric guitar well enough to learn the guitar solo... it’s over for everyone

-nick just came to watch the girl he likes perform not watch her flirt with a hologram plssss can we give this man a break next season.

- “we have to say goodbye to julie”- that’s literally more important to luke than not playing music anymore because julie is music to him now

unsaid emily

-already crying and the episode hasn't even started

-willex in the orpheum

- alex literally being OVER reggie

- nope too emotionally unstable to watch this scene right now

- my therapist will be hearing about this tomorrow

- show us the baby picture of luke cowards

- this is such a beautiful song that makes me cry every fucking time gosh damn it

- everytime i watch the flashback scene of luke on his bike i think of “christmas song” by phoebe bridges and i cry even more

- i tried to learn how to play this song on my electric guitar (because i dont have an acoustic guitar) and i ended up crying half way through so i do not think i will be playing it anytime soon:/

- the harmonies *chef’s kiss*

- THE POLICE LIGHTS ....i cry

- FAT tears rolling down my face

- there's literally not a moment i don’t cry during this episode

- interesting little relationship :0

- when i played percussion in 7th grade i used to lay down on the couch in the practice room at school ( which god knows what people did on that couch...ew) and stick my drumsticks up my nose too,,,, just another similarity between alex and i 

stand tall

- willie really drove a bus 200 miles into the desert for his crush

- WILLEX HUG 

- i love willie no last name so much,,,i just wanna hold and protect him

- alex’s ballerina dance

-julie’s overall outfit i love<3

- “im swimming”

- the way carlos hangs up the iPad on tía makes me CRACK UP he’s just lmao bye girl

- another julie outfit i love

- “anything julie. you know that.” AHHHHHAASIDSJFPACISN love bitches

- the suits

- luke’s hair in this episode is so much better than the perfect harmony hair pls

- YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE

- the way luke looks so restricted and confined in his suit... but at the same time he looks like a 10 week old puppy

-luke’s AGGRESSIVE but small foot tapping leading up to being on the stage

- the solos:)))))

- crying again over julie’s monologue to her mom

- julie really was brave enough to be ready to perform by herself

-the way Trevor looks at carrie when she says “been here before”

-ALEXXXXXX

-REGGIEEEEE

-luuukkKKKEEEEEEE

- this performance makes me cry

- especially the first time when i saw luke flickering...sobs

- he finally looks free in his suit:))

- alex’s solo is so pretty i love him

- reggie’s solo too 

- nick just straight up vibing the entire performance

- alex and luke holding hands...hehehe cute besties

- “thank you, guys” NO THANK YOU 

- the way julie begs for them to do something about the jolts for HER cause she knows luke would never say no to her

- “no music is worth making, julie, if we’re not making it with you,” I JUST SCREAMED AND IM PRETTY SURE I WOKE UP MY ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD...whoops

- going back to that line i could say so much about it but....for someone who’s life was literally MUSIC for the 17 years he was alive, and after finding out he could play music again even though he was dead and saying it made him feel alive, he would give that up- he would give up playing his guitar, playing in a band with his friends, give up writing and singing music- if he wasn’t doing that with julie. that’s more than saying i love you,,,that’s literally like saying i’d give up my ENTIRE LIFE and what i love to do if i dont get to do it with you

- i just made myself cry with that description...wow

-the hug<3

-also imagine how luke felt in that moment,,, hearing this girl, once again that he would give his life up for, saying in his ear that she loves them. i would motherfucking glow too, luke

- *passionately but gently holds each others faces*

-HANDS OFF MY BABY NICK, CALEB

- caleb’s outfit is....something

- the head turn plssss

this was so long and i am so sorry but if you read this far.....leave some of your own reactions or thoughts:)))

k goodnight im gonna, ugh, finally go study ://

[kdramachitchat]

Hometown Cha Cha Cha Ep 7 - The love triangle (and the bromance too) officially starts and Dusik’s past is slowly unraveling. Hyejin’s role in Dusik’s heart becomes more prominent.

After Dusik’s almost accident, Sunghyun was introduced to the neighbors. Sunghyun introduced himself and informed them that he’s filming a new food variety show that’ll feature Gonjin. Dusik asked how they knew each other and Hyejin said that they both went to college. Hyejin also asked how they each other, Dusik said that they met on the street and that them knowing each other is based on lies. Haha.

He seem to be popular among the older neighbors and finally went to Dusik and Hyejin’s spot at the table, Hyejin tells him that he was also popular back then in college. They started talking about their friendship and said its been 10 years since they last seen each other. Dusik started to feel left out and interrupted the reunion asking for him to explain certain things. Things finally settled due to misunderstanding and they both introduced themselves. I see a bromance coming along, this would be a problem. Hyejin and Sunghyun started talking what they’ve been up to especially the dental clinic she opened up, Dusik inserts himself in the convo and tells Sunghyun that he found and renovated that place himself. He’s becoming a third-wheeler at this point poor Dusik. Sunghyun asked if that’s how the 2 met and Hyejin didn’t really tell him the truth. A neighbor was being nosy teasing both Hyejin and Sunghyun. Hyejin doesnt like to be teased especially if it’s far from the truth so she excused herself for a early night, Dusik tells her that it never was a problem and wants him to shut up.

Sunghyun wants to accompany her going home, while Dusik likely jealous decided to step out of the restaurant and accompanied Hyejin home. Sunghyun and Dusik want to hang out together then they all went to Dusik’s house instead. Hyejin tells Dusik not to discuss anything that happened that night.

Sunghyun decided to ask Dusik to be his tour guide in town. They drink, do bets and games with referencing on actor Kim Seonho’s 2D1N variety program (I honestly didnt get the reference as i dont watch his variety show). It was very chaotic and all of them went to sleep after.

The next day, Dusik is officially the guide for Sunghyun’s production team for sightseeing Gongjin and their next stop is Gam-ri’s house. Songhyun intends on making the house the main shooting location so he brings all the team to her house. Sunghyun is trying to convince Gamri and asked for her permission to borrow her house for 7 days. He falls for the authenticity and the warmth of the house. But sadly, Gamri doesnt allow him to and tells him that it won’t work, despite Sunghyun being so persistent. That’s probably why his shows are so successful because he gets what he wants. Him allowing Gamri to have the time to think and leave her alone, eventually will come back. He also cannot think and work well with a empty stomach. We see his work ethic here. Looks like he eats too when he gets stressed.  

Dusik brings Sunghyun and his team to Ms. Yeo’s restaurant. They try a fish dish which brings both Dusik and Sunghyun to utter bliss, describing the flavors they tasted like a food critic. They both agree on the flavors and their bromance especially over food is in full force. The fish they ate is a wild fish-fresh from the sea that cost 100,000 won in Seoul. Ok i admit this scene was really funny, they were so dramatic over describing the fish like it’s heaven to them. After their meal they meet Hyejin and left right after. Sunghyun and Hyejin continues to talk before leaving, Hyejin mentions Dusik’s fees and he offers Sunghyun to discuss about it.

Dusik notices she sounds different while talking with Sunghyun and later mimicking her way of speaking. After his tummy is happily fed, Sunghyun suggests the whole team go shopping to the market where Dusik struggles to keep up with Sunghyun’s energy and childlike behavior when it comes to shopping. Ok i giggled at this. Sunghyun is like a ball of energy and Dusik acts like an old man.

This is just an extra stop before they all go back to Gamri’s house as presents. Sunghyun will bribe her with these in order to win her heart. So he got a plan. Gamri is not falling for his tricks, smart woman but Sunghyun kept insisting that he’s doing this as a repayment for her kindness to her. He keeps coming back and continues to assist Gamri like helping her lift heavy things, cleaning, continues giving her gifts and even fixing her broken lamp. Looks like Gamri is starting to warm up to him. After his constant visits he stops, Gamri is starting to look for him wondering where he is which ultimately gives some time for her to think before she could make a decision.

Later on, Gamri calls her granddaughter who resides in America for her studies. She happily talks to her and asks her to come to Gongjin for a visit where she will cook all the dishes she likes to eat. Sad to say, her  granddaughter won’t be coming home this holiday since she will be spending the holiday in California with her friends. I don’t like how her granddaughter prefers her friends over family shows her unselfishness, compared to Gamri who is so kind to others. Gamri is shown to be lonely and i thank Dusik for being so kind to her like a grandson.

Meanwhile, Sunghyun suddenly appears at the gate of Gamri’s house bringing a delicious cake. It’s been 5 days since his last visit which makes Gamri sulk. Gamri then offers him to stay and have dinner but he says that he plans on having dinner with his friend who is June the boyband member that Juri likes.

Gamri offers to cook them a delicious dinner in return for the cakes and they all enjoy dinner together. June thanks Gamri and tells that he misses having homecooked meals. Sunghyun added that as a kpop idol member he never stopped working since he was young. A disadvantage being a idol. Gamri shows her warmth by giving a piece of meat to his rice–a small gesture of affection. Dusik gets jealous Hahaha and Gamri tells him he’s grown up. I cracked up. Juri is having the time of her life hanging out with her favorite kpop idol.

After the meal, Sunghyun continues to offer his help to Gamri like to wash the dishes. Hyejin volunteers but Sunghyun tells her not to because of her back problem due to her car accident back in the day. Dusik didnt know about her back problem. This is new information.

Gamri is completely happy at this point and she expresses her happiness. It’s been a while she had a big meal at her house. It’s the liveliest moment she had at her house. This really warmed my heart. Gamri should have more happy moments. Dusik visits Gamri and Gamri tells him that Sunghyun can film at her house. She wants to feel less lonely and Dusik tells her he’s happy as long as she is. They continue to drink their milk together.

The next day, Hyejjin wakes up with Sunghyun’s surprising delivery of food like her favorites. They talked to each other over the phone and Sunghyun is curious and wondered what has she been up to over the 10 years.

Sunghyun is happy to see her living comfortably and happy. He then promises to treat her a proper meal when he’s not that busy and Hyejin agrees. Looks like Dusik will be out of the picture for a while when Sunghyun is around.

Later in the day, Dusik and Sunghyun stops by Gamri’s house. Sunghyun looks around the house and Dusik tells him that he’s not allowed to change anything. He also tells Sunghyun that he should ask Gamri anything first if he intends to make the slightest change on her house. Any without permission he has to return the house to her and even the damages that may happen are discussed to be added in the contract, as well as Gamri’s pay. Sunghyun ask if Dusik knows baseball. Sunghyun says that good pitchers dont throw a ball when they can, they have their energy and control with their power. The player throws the ball at full speed during a crucial moment. Is that a hint on what’s yet to come? He said that he’s like that and doesn’t sweat or stress over small things. Sunghyun finally brings up to Dusik if Hyejin is seeing anyone. Dusik has that change of expression on his face, you can see him close to tears. Dusik was silent for a moment, then responded that she’s not seeing anyone. Sunghyun said that it’s a relief. Dusik looks to him with mixed and pained expressions. I sorta felt bad for him at that moment. Like shit someone’s in the way now. What to do?

During the epilogue, we see Dusik being down and Hyejin drops by with a happy mood. They’re completely polar in terms of mood. Hyejin continues to joke around without understanding the environment’s mood. Hyejin tries to carry him back to his house. Dusik continues to look so broken and with a pained tone he tells her to not go and leave him behind.

Dusik better be quick as someone else who’s fast as a baseball player ready to swing for his pitch. If he doesn’t make the move, Sunghyun will.

Thoughts

I like how this drama focused on Gamri and Sunghyun. We get to know them more with this episode. Also tbh with everyone. I do not like Seonho’s acting. I think Seonho when he's plain and the typical conversational scenes he's very weak but can improve. But i would like to point out when he does crying scenes that’s what he does best. He emoted Dusik’s heartache and pain very well at the epilogue, at that moment you would feel bad for him.