#(never mind actually having covid that fucking hit me like a truck)

[raeathnos]

.

[filipinoizukuu]

I have the notebook in hand now I beg you for explanation

HSBFNDSJNFVN my dearest snail oh jeez 😭 i have about maybe dozens of stories about accidentally being y/n, so i'm prayin and hopin none of my IRLs see this. Some details hidden for privacy.

LONG story ahed, so be warned.

-

So. End of winter to early spring about a year before COVID-19. I was still a little snot-nosed high schooler hanging out with my friends and generally being a nuisance upon society. For those of you that have never seen me in real life, the first thing you need to know was that I was adorable, female-presenting, and had the appearance of a goody-two-shoes star student down to a T.

Now, the second thing you need to know is about my friend group and how a majority of them were guys.

I'm not talking about like, darling boy-next-doors and fellow star-student nerds. I'm talking about teenage boys. GUYS guys. Rowdy and wrestling in the hallways, getting into fights, and pulling (harmless) pranks on each other kind of guys. The gross type because I love my friends but even I can admit they're kind of gross.

One day after school, we're hanging out in someone's truck on the way to a get-together. There are about four of us just chilling, me being the only girl. Someone's phone goes off and we look to see one of us pick up his phone.

Now, this friend, let's call him S.

S picks up the phone and starts talking to it. We hear bits and pieces of the conversation and he sounds a little nervous. He puts the phone down and looks at us with a weird expression and says he needs to get home.

"What gives, S?" we ask, slouching in our seats and drinking sweet tea, like all other self-respecting teenage hooligans. "Who was that?"

S explains to us very carefully that he just got off the phone with his auntie and that she wants to have a sit-down and dinner with him. We coo and make fun of him a little and acquiesce, driving on over to his place to drop him off and embarrass him in front of his parents as friends do. We tell him as much when S lights up and looks at us like he just got the world's best idea.

(Heads up! It was not.)

"Guys! I have a better idea."

The rest of us look at each other. "Which is...?"

"What if I pretend to have a girlfriend to impress my Aunt?"

Record scratch. Pause. I suddenly remember that I am the only pretty 'ole lady in this small and stuffy truck. In an instant, all eyes on the vehicle are on me.

No, hell no. I think to myself, there's no way I'm ever going to do this. This is how every fanfic starts and I am absolutely not emotionally available enough to do this. And you know what? That's exactly what I should've said.

Instead, what came out of my mouth was this:

"Buy me a tub of ice cream and I'm all yours."

And thus, the devil's deal was sealed.

Minutes later, we're exiting the truck and looking over at S's white picket fence and perfectly maintained garden. S goes with me and I suck it up, bracing myself for the performance of my lifetime. We do not hold hands and our other friend (E) walks behind us while dying of laughter. S opens the door and we are immediately greeted by the sight of his kind-looking Auntie welcoming him with open arms.

S waltzes in.

"Auntie... this is my girlfriend, Codi."

Now, a quick word about me and how I was in real life at the point of this story. I looked the part of an adorable overachieving student, and while my grades did match up, my attitude sure as hell didn't. I'm naturally a very loud and boisterous person. I 'get into fights' and curse just as well as the rest of them. I had a reputation in a few areas for having the knack of making my underclassmen cry. The point being, I wasn't a saint.

But I was a damn good actor.

"Hi Auntie!" I greet with the peppiest and highest voice I could manage. I skip towards her and shake her hand, smiling like a cracked-up cheerleader in a Coca-Cola ad from the '80s when they made it with actual cocaine. "Your nephew S is just about the sweetest thing ever. He's so nice and smart and I'm incredibly lucky to have him!" I lie through my teeth.

In the background, I can hear E on the verge of deranged cackling while S just stands there and coughs into his fist like an emotionally constipated tuberculosis patient.

My Limit of the Day has been reached, so I shoot Auntie S a quick grin when she enthusiastically thanks me for my services and then haul my ass out their door, E hot on my heels. We leave S behind to deal with whatever shitstorm came after and I tried my best to not look back.

The moment the old truck door slams shut behind us, E abso-fucking-lutely loses it, guts busting with how much he's laughing. We high-tail it to the get-together and I make him swear up and down to not mention it for the rest of the day. It's over, at this point, the thing's been done and there's no other damage than my sanity and maybe S's relationship with his aunt. At least, that is what I thought.

Hours later, S texts me.

hey so um. remember that thing earlier?

Odd question, because how could I not?

yeah so. my aunt stayed for dinner and my parents arrived early and they asked me about school so. long story short... my whole family thinks we're dating.

Predictably, I lose my mind. I ask myself how I got into this situation and then imagine the sweet, sweet ice cream waiting for me at the end of this ride. I'm like, okay! This isn't so bad! It's actually really funny if I think about it enough. At least it's contained, right? I say my famous last words. It's not like I'll ever actually meet his family again.

So I go to bed and decidedly Pass Go, Collect $200 on any fanfics or other friendly drama that night.

The next week, I walk into school. I'm going about my normal business when I bump into my friend group. They pounce on me like a hound of dogs, making rounds of congratulations with varying faces of amusement. "What?" I go, like an oblivious idiot.

From like 15 feet down the hall, a familiar figure turns the corner and I lock eyes with him. Something clicks into place and I realize that there were actual witnesses to S's convoluted brownie-points shenanigan that I didn't consider.

"E," I say. "you are so fucking dead."

My friend group, who E had apparently told about my whole schtick as S's Rent-a-Girlfriend, breaks out into laughter and dodges as I power-walked my way to kick E's shins with the fury of a thousand 5'3 suns.

We went about the rest of our day until it hit lunch break, and of course who else to apparently wait for me in front of my class other than S himself.

S grabs me by the wrist and pulls me along throughout the campus. We're lightly conversing the whole time, me weaseling a time and date to my beloved reward tubs of ice cream as promised. Without me realizing it, we end up in front of two very familiar rooms.

Another thing, really quickly, about this whole storyline. S was not just an ordinary friend, you see. He was special, in a way, in such that his two closest friends were my crush (at the time) and his best friend who I'd recently rejected. Now those two have a whole 'nother story on their own which I'd deign to discuss publically, so you'll have to settle for those apt descriptions.

So, those two aforementioned mutual friends of ours walk out of those rooms and turn to make eye contact with us. They laugh, good-naturedly, and I sigh in relief because it seems that of all people, E had not gotten the hot gossip to them just yet.

I beckon the two of them over, being none the wiser and thinking we could take our break together when the final straw hits

S throws his arm over my shoulders and pulls me closer.

"Hey guys, Codi's my girlfriend now!"

... You can guess where the argument fits now in this timeline.

(I got my ice cream very shortly after. We're all friends now and it's all water under the bridge! This was a long story so if you've made it this far, just know that this is all but a funny memory to look back on for me and I've since moved on.)

[sleekervae]

The Neighbour [1.9]

Masterlist

A/N: Yo! Midterms can kiss my a$$!!

Trigger: pregnancy mention

Soft sun rays broke through the curtains and washed over the ceilings. The light turned the dark shelter of eyelids into a bright red and caused a stir in the stagnant bed sheets.

Breaking the harmony of morning gold, Eva awoke to a violent stir in her guts, and she jumped out of bed as if it was red hot and singeing her skin. The sudden commotion woke Remington, ripped from his sleep and thrusted into a panic.

Her footsteps mellowed as she darted into her bathroom and crouched over the toilet. And awful sound erupted as she threw up into the bowl. Remington was quick to come after her and held back her hair as she chucked up what little was in her stomach.

"Shit," she gasped in exhaustion, her violent stomach turns now settled down. She flushed the toilet and sat back on the floor, wiping her mouth with a sheet of toilet paper. Remington crouched beside her, concern and fear flooding his face.

"What was that?" he asked.

"Fuck if I know," she replied breathlessly, her mind trying to push down the anxiety of possibly being exposed to the virus, "Do you feel okay?"

"I feel fine," he nodded, "You think you should go see a doctor?"

"I don't know," she shook her head.

Remington pressed the back of his hand to her forehead, "You're not warm, so you don't have a fever,"

She nodded, "My stomach kind of hurts. You don't think that maybe we were... exposed?"

Remington glanced at the floor, dread filling his chest as he thought it over. They still had their bubble that they were sticking to, and he couldn't see a way that he or Eva had been exposed to covid. Then again, it could've been the smallest, most random thing they touched...

"I don't think so," he shook his head, "We'd both be hurling up if we were,"

Eva sniffled, trying to relax. She was letting her mind race just because she was throwing up and had mild cramps. For all she knew, she it was side effects from her period.

"You want me to run you a bath?" Remington asked softly.

Eva chewed on her lip, her eyes heavy and her skin pale. She felt like complete shit, but a bath didn't sound too bad, "Yes please," she replied quietly.

Remington kissed her forehead and went to prep the bath for her. As the warm water splashed into the tub, Eva lurched forward into the bowl again. Remington felt terrible, he felt terrible not being able to help her. He had never seen her look so bad, exhausted, pale, it broke his heart. Guilt riddled up his spine as he thought more and more about what she had said; had they been exposed to covid 19? He would never forgive himself if she had gotten sick because of him.

When the bath was ready, Remington helped Eva in and sat down on the rim beside her. Eva closed her eyes and relaxed in the warm water, the heat almost as good as a hug from him. She let out a soft exhale as she sunk up to her neck in the bath.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, concern laced in his eyes.

Eva pouted as she looked up at him. Her deep blue eyes were now desaturated and dull, "I've had better mornings," she quipped cheekily, "But I hope you're enjoying yourself,"

"Why's that?"

Eva managed a smile, "You get to sit and look at your naked girlfriend in the bathtub,"

Remington chuckled, "Darling, your nudity is the last thing I'm thinking of. I'm just concerned whether or not you need to see a doctor... or if there's anything I can give you to make you feel better,"

Eva rested her head against the tiled wall behind her, "You sure you're feeling fine?"

Remington nodded, "I feel fine. So most likely we weren't exposed,"

She smiled, pulling her hand from the water to grasp his hand in hers, "I hate being sick," she huffed, "I can't kiss you properly,"

Remington smiled softly and kissed the top of her head, "Can I bring you something to eat? Drink?" he asked gently.

Eva nodded, "Maybe some tea?"

"Of course. One earl grey coming right up," he stood and went for the kitchen, "No sugar?"

"Atta' boy," she grinned weakly and watched him go.

As Remington left the bathroom, Pluto trotted past him to go sit with his master dutifully. Remington got to work on brewing her tea, though the entire time he couldn't help but feel an uneasy sensation fester in his guts. Instinctively, he phoned Sebastian and waited impatiently for him to answer. He was never good with these sort of things, he wasn't familiar with how to take care of someone when they were sick, let alone himself. He tried to push the thought out of his head that Eva had caught the virus, and perhaps it was a 24-hour bug she had instead.

"Hello?" Sebastian's voice came through.

"Hey Seb, you got a minute?" Remington said.

"Yeah, what's up?" Sebastian asked, "How's Eva?"

"That's why I'm calling you," he said, speaking quietly so Eva wouldn't hear him, "She started throwing up this morning and she had stomach pains. I don't know if I should get someone to see her or how I can help her,"

Sebastian was silent for a brief moment, "... She was throwing up this morning?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah. I ran her a bath and I'm making her some tea --"

"Any other symptoms besides vomiting? Fever? Lack of taste?"

"I'm pretty confident she doesn't have the virus. We'd both be sick otherwise," Remington assured him, "I just don't know what else to do for her,"

"... Well... is it possible she's sick not just from a cold or flu?" he asked warily.

"What do you mean?" Remington asked, not following Sebastian's trail.

"You guys have obviously..." Sebastian said, indirectly sewing his seeds.

Realization hit Remington like a truck. There was no way... could there be? "I mean, yeah -- but not without... a-and she's on the pill,"

"But you've been frequenting the last five days?"

"Sure -- I... c'mon, I seriously doubt that that's it," Remington said, "She's got stomach cramps, that can't be a symptom,"

"What do you know about pregnancy symptoms?" Sebastian asked. He didn't think she was pregnant, but he just wanted to make sure that they were prepared for the unlikely scenario.

"Nothing," Remington admitted, "But I don't... I mean... she can't... she's probably just caught some little bug,"

"And if it's not just a 'little bug'?" Sebastian asked.

Remington took a deep breath, "... Then I'll make sure to take good care of her," he spoke without a second thought. A baby. Could she really be having a baby? He felt his stomach churn again. The first thing that came to his mind after he ended his call was that he was nowhere near ready to be a father. He definitely wasn't ready for something like that, but he knew that if she was pregnant, the honourable thing to do would be to stick by Eva and support their child. They'd figure it all out together. His love and certainty for staying by her side didn't lessen the sense of panic that washed over him.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and made his way back to the bathroom, kneeling by the bathtub and handing her the tea.

"Thanks," she smiled softly at him and took a small sip. Her hair was damp and her skin flushed, likely from the steam, but in the rays of the sun peaking through she looked more angelic than ever.

His eyes travelled to her stomach and he felt his own lurch again. He just imagined something living in there, moving around under his skin. Something they both had a hand in creating.

"Eva," he spoke up, looking her in the eye, "Do you think you might be something more than sick?" he asked quietly. He didn't want to sound rude of confrontational because he didn't want to give her the impression that if she was pregnant, that he would be upset about it.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Y-You're throwing up this morning and the cramps... I know we've been safe but... what I mean is that if it's something more than sick, I'm going to stick with. you. I'll be right by your side through the whole thing and we can figure it out later," Remington's words fell faster from his lips than he'd planned.

Eva looked at him quizzically, then up at Pluto who sat curled on the counter, then she burst into giggles, "Rem, I'm not pregnant," she said, "It's probably just burn out,"

"Are you sure? Because it's okay if you are --" Remington said as he chewed on his bottom lip.

Her stormy eyes lit up a little at his nerves, "Remington. I'm not pregnant. My God, you think we'd actually be ready to be parents?" she laughed, placing one of her hands on his. The water from her palm seeped down between his fingers, "I'm just sick. Not covid-sick, but some sort of sick," she smiled, "I'm certain of it. So don't scare yourself,"

Remington let out a relief-filled exhaled, "I'm still here for you, sweetheart," he promised.

"What made you think I was pregnant?" she asked.

"Sebastian," he replied sheepishly.

Eva smiled, "Oh brother. Probably brought it up from his own scares with Larissa,"

Remington chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, "I just wanted to make sure,"

Remington stirred a pot of Campbell's chicken soup as at the sun began to dip into the late afternoon. He had his playlist at a very low volume as to not wake Eva who was sleeping soundly in her bedroom. He dipped a finger into the pot and had a taste, relieved everytime he was able to taste and smell something. Not bad Remington, not bad at all. He took the soup off the stove and poured it into a bowl; mushroom soup was Eva's favorite but Remington figured some blander, less dense foods would be better for her.

He took the two bowls of soup into the bedroom where Eva slept soundly. He turned on and dimmed her lamp so it wouldn't be too hard on the eyes. Placing the bowls on the bedside table he gently shook her awake.

"Hey... honey," Remington said softly, smiling warmly at her, "I made some soup if you're hungry,"

Eva slowly opened her heavy eyes, rubbing the sleep away and become aware of where she was again. She was relieved to see his dark eyes staring back at her. A savoury smell wafted through her nose and she looked over at the bowls, sitting up against the headboard and he brushed the loose hair from her face.

"Thanks," she smiled, her voice hoarse as Remington carefully handed her one of the bowls and a spoon. He sat beside her, stirring bits of chicken around in the creamy liquid.

"I know it's not 5 Michelin Stars or nothing..." he simpered.

Eva smiled and kissed his cheek, "This is perfect,"

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

"A bit," her stomach having settled after taking some medicine earlier. The smooth, salty goodness of the soup was a nice comfort as it soothed down her throat.

"I did a little bit of reading on your symptoms," Remington said, "Vomiting, nausea, cramps... sounds like you just got a case of food poisoning,"

Eva quirked an eyebrow, "Food poisoning?"

He nodded, "There was a salmonella outbreak at a chicken farm a few weeks back and they just did a recall,"

She smiled weakly, "And I had a chicken burrito yesterday, hence why you're not sick,"

Remington laughed, "Veganism's looking more and more enticing, isn't it?"

She rolled her eyes, "Well, I appreciate your expert diagnosis, Dr. Leith. Which means I can kiss you with no recourse, now?"

He smiled and placed a warm hand on her pale cheek, "Absolutely," and he pressed a kiss to her lips, "Even if it was something else, I'd take the risk, anyway,"

Eva smiled and rested her chin on his shoulder, relieved that she could be somewhat affectionate with him again, "You're too lovely,"

"I love you," he smiled at her.

She nudged at his foot with hers, "I love you more,"

"Bullshit," he giggled, kissing the top of her head, "That would be impossible,"

They heard the clicking of claws tapping across the floor, and the bed jolted momentarily as Pluto came crawling towards them. The tabby sat at their feet, staring at the bowls with great expectation. Eva rolled her eyes.

"Relax kitty, I'm still gonna' feed you,"

Remington stood before the bathroom mirror, runnings his fingers through the sides of his hair. His eyebrows were drawn tight to crease at the centre of his forehead and his mouth was pulled into a straight line.

"Should I cut my hair?" he asked, a sensation of uneasiness washing over him. This wasn't even the longest he had had it before, but there was something off putting about the bangs hanging over his eyes, now dyed blue from yesterday's sheer boredom.

"I think it's cute," Eva commented, redressing after her shower. She was practically back to normal after two days of sticking her head in the toilet bowl and feeling like a techno rave was running at full force in her stomach. Remington had taken exceptional care of her, especially considering his lack of knowledge on how exactly to take care of sick people.

She wrapped her arms around Remington's waist and peered over his shoulder, and her eyes lit up at his reflection, "Oh, God! Rem you look so good! I say let it grow!"

Remington chuckled, "Love the flattery, but I'm not sure. Maybe it's the blue?"

"Remington, you look fucking hot," Eva stated, her eyes glued to his reflection.  She kissed his neck softly and let go to sit back against the sink counter, admiring the silvery blue coming to life under the lights. She watched as he grabbed his usual jar of hair spray and put his liberty spikes into place.

"One day you're gonna go bald from all that product," she teased.

"Shoot me if I ever go bald," Remington joked.

Eva shook her head, "Nah, I think you could pull off the egg look. I might shave your head in your sleep just to see what you look like," she winked, "I'd still find you sexy, regardless,"

Remington smiled and pulled her lips to his, dipping down and kissing her hard. He grinned against her lips and placed a hand on her jaw, "Please don't get sick again -- I missed kissing you like this too much,"

Eva laughed and kissed his nose, "You're so corny, I might go purposefully contract something just to get away from you,"

Remington's jaw dropped in faux shock as Eva laughed cheekily, pecking him on the cheek and dashing past him. Remington chuckled to himself, quickly fixing his hair once more before following her out. He descended down the stairs of his house with his laptop in hand, having been scheduled for a zoom call with the band's management team to run through the plan and protocol for shooting their next music video. Since all tours and events were called off, and with the release of their graphic novel coming up, the brothers figured they had a perfect opportunity to put their creativity to work.

"How long's your meeting?" Eva asked, grabbing a glass from the cabinet for water.

"Probably no more than thirty minutes -- maybe an hour should we get a little sidetracked," he replied, grinning coyly.

Eva simperede, "Only you guys could find new ways to goof off on Zoom meetings," she had her own things that she unpacked from her bag for work, "I can go upstairs if you want,"

"No, no, you stay on the couch. Me and Emerson are going to be in the studio," he said.

"Emerson and I," Eva corrected as she plopped onto the couch, smiling smugly.

Remington rolled his eyes, "My bad," he leaned over the couch and pressed a kiss to her head, "I won't be long,"

"I'll be here," she grinned.

Remington then went to the bottom of the stairs, "EMERSON! C'MON!"

"I'm coming!" the younger brother fumbled around before he came trotting down the stairs, his dishevelled hair and dark eyes making him look as though he had just rolled out of bed, "You know you're loud enough that Canada can hear you?"

Remington’s only response was a petty raspberry. 

“Get along, boys!” Eva called as they meandered their way into the studio space.

“I’ll try, but no promises,” Emerson grumbled.

“Oh, quit being such a stick in the mud,” Remington huffed.

The rolling chair Remington sat on made gentle squeals as he turned on his spot, listening to his manager and the rest of the band drone on and one about plans to further promote The Bastards, as well as try to salvage what entertainment plans they could given the circumstances. 

“I definitely think we should do another music video,” Sebastian pitched.

“Tonight is the Night I Die?” Remington grinned hopefully.

“Another animation?” their manger, Jeremy asked, “I can get back in touch with the animators for Little Bastards --”

“Do you think it would be possible to do a live action video, instead?” Emerson asked, drumming his fingers on the table anxiously, “Don’t get me wrong, I loved the animation, but you can’t really portray the same emotion we would in real life. I mean -- the most Rem’s avatar did was looked shocked over and over,”

Jeremy rubbed at his chin with unease as he thought it over, “... Well... I can definitely look into it but it won’t be the same kind of shoot that you boys are used to. We’re going to have a lot of safety protocols, and there’s gonna’ have to be rigorous testing --”

“Well, if Lady Gaga could do it, then we could do it,” Remington said. 

"Michael could direct for us,” Emerson said. 

Jeremy nodded, “Okay. You guys got a story?”

Emerson was quick to respond, “The murder of Aldous Blackwell like in the novel. I want to do full on victorian gothic vampires with stakes and thunder storms and --”

“We can use people in our bubble too,” Sebastian said, “Instead of paid extras as the vampires,”

“Shy would totally be into it,” Emerson nodded. 

“So would Larissa,” Sebastian added. 

Jeremy was jotting notes on a piece of paper out of frame, nodding quickly, “Alright. I’ll look into protocols for filming and I’ll get Brad on location scouting,” 

Sebastian glanced at Remington through his own screen, “Hey Rem, you could ask Eva if she’d want to be part of the video, too,”

Emerson nodded, “Yeah. She just needs to pale out a bit but she would make a cute renaissance vampire,” 

The corners of Remington’s lips couldn’t help but turn upwards at the thought, though he remembered how camera shy Eva could be. Nonetheless, he figured she would no doubt appreciate the era and aesthetic that would be incorporated into the story, and perhaps with a little convincing Eva would happily hop on board? 

“I can see what she says,”

[shitty-marvel-fan732]

"Don't Look at Me, I'm Sick!"

Author's Note:

So, I know no one will believe me but I've been working at this for a month 😂 I swear my intention was not at all COVID-19 related, but rather from a random prompt I found online somewhere! The prompt is bolded. 

Pairing: Peter Parker x Female!Reader

Summary: Y/N has the flu, and who better to save her than a friendly, neighborhood Spiderman?

Warnings: None? I guess descriptions of the flu if that counts!

Word Count: 4,068, because I have no self-control 😂

A painful, chest heaving cough racked through my body, leaving my stomach muscles feeling sore and my chest burning. I flopped back into my cocoon of pillows and blankets with a sigh. Nothing like a bad case of the flu to remind me of just how hopelessly inadequate my non-existent abs were. 

What had started as a small tickle in the back of my throat yesterday had mutated into a full-blown flu. Not just any flu either. No, this was the 'every symptom you could possibly think of, oh my god am I dying?' kind of flu. I felt like I’d been run over by a truck, and if my mom was any indication, it was a safe bet I looked it too. She’d poked her head in my doorway for a solid 10 seconds before dialing the school attendance line and informing them that I wouldn’t be there. She left for work not long after, shouting at me to keep drinking fluids and to take some Tylenol. Since then I’d been drifting in and out of consciousness all morning, waking only long enough to either cough or sneeze my guts out. If I didn’t know any better I’d swear I had the actual plague. 

My phone had been buzzing on and off all morning, but in my fever-riddled, sleep deprived state, I elected to ignore it in favor of more sleep. The buzzing reached a fever pitch sometime in the mid-morning before it mercifully stopped. I sighed again, flopping over to my stomach and snuggling my sweaty head deeper into my pillow. I huddled the overwhelming number of blankets around my shivering form like a safety net as I idly wondered how far away the medicine cabinet could possibly be. Realistically, it was all of 6 feet away, but just the suggestion of having to move my body was enough to make my muscles feel like mush. I groaned, flopping uselessly around my bed as I internally weighed the pros and cons of getting up to grab some Tylenol. 

I was so wrapped up in my mental battle that I didn't hear the distinct 'thwip!' coming from the fire escape outside my bedroom window. Normally I'd hear the sound no matter how loud the music was in my headphones or how fast asleep I was. I guess it was more of a feeling I got, a low hum of excitement deep in my belly that alerted me than a sound really, but regardless I was completely oblivious at the moment. I also missed the practiced, rhythmic taps on my window due to the sneezing fit that overtook me and the subsequent rush to rummage around my sheets for any non-crumpled tissues. 

"Y/N?!" 

A slightly panicked voice was the sound that finally broke me out of my illness induced haze. I yelped loudly and, reacting out of pure instinct, flung the first thing within reach at the intruder. Unfortunately for me the closest thing to me was a near-empty box of tissues, and based on the lack of thump that followed I don't think it even hit my intended target. It was hard to say for sure though because immediately after my feeble attack I dove deeper into my cocoon, covering myself completely with the mountain of blankets. 

“What the FUCK!” I exclaimed. Though I wish that my voice sounded strong and threatening, the shock rippling through me coupled with the way my nasal passages were currently blocked and the muffling effect of the blankets covering my face made my fierce roar sound more like a surprised squeak. 

"Whoa whoa whoa!" the voice placated quickly. "Y/N, it's just me!"

The familiar tenor tones of my intruder began to seep into my sick brain like a cloud of smoke. I frowned unconsciously as my mind worked in overtime to try and place the voice with a face. I winced for a moment, the sudden onset of thought enough to send a stabbing pain shooting behind my eyes and leave a throbbing, dull ache in its wake. My brain whirred on for an embarrassing amount of time before the recognition hit me like a truck. 

"Peter?" I questioned humbly, peeking my eyes out from the blankets just enough to see. I blinked quickly and fought against the dizzying pain that overtook my brain against the onslaught of light. 

Standing over near my opened bedroom window was my adorable, if sheepish looking, boyfriend. His face was wrought with a look of pure anxiety --  big brown eyes practically swimming with worry and normally sweet features all contorted downward. The messy brown curls I loved were stuck tight to his sweaty forehead, and he clutched his Spidey mask tightly in his right fist. He wasn't wearing his suit, so he must've thrown on only the mask before making his way over. Even in my post-panic/flu-induced fog I felt a touch of irritation at his recklessness. 

"It's just me, sorry," he apologized breathlessly with one hand still outstretched appeasingly towards me. "I just...you weren't at school and you weren't answering your phone and I got worried."

Guilt flooded my already-churning stomach at his gentle admission. That explained the incessant buzzing of my phone this morning. Of course Peter was worried, the boy literally could not stop worrying over everything. And to be fair, he had much more reason to than most. I silently cursed myself for forgetting to text him and tell him I wouldn’t be at school. I opened my mouth to apologize just as another realization filtered into my brain. 

I screeched. 

Not a normal screech either. This was a gross, nasal-sounding cry of sheer terror that I could tell made Peter flinch from all the way across the room. I dove even more quickly into the mountain of blankets and pillows than I had back when I was pretty sure I was going to be murdered. 

“What?! Y/N what’s wrong?” Peter exclaimed, clearly still a bit panicked over everything. I couldn’t hear him walking over, but I felt my bed dip under his weight as he near-instantly was at the edge of the mattress. The blankets shifted and I could tell he was attempting to pull back one of the many covers that I’d engulfed myself in. I huffed, twisting my body deeper into the tangle of sheets and rolled so away from my poor boyfriend that I almost fell off the bed entirely. 

“Y/N?” Peter questioned, tone laced with concern and confusion. 

“Don’t look at me!” I shouted. Or as close to shouting as I could muster through the scratchy, dry rasp that was my voice currently. “I'm sick!" 

There was a long pause before Peter's sweet chuckle sounded outside the confines of my cocoon. 

"Yeah I kinda figured that out," he laughed. I couldn't see his face, for obvious reasons, but I even so I could tell it held his wide, genuine smile. As if to punctuate my point further, another dizzying coughing spell came over me and bent over as I proceeded to cough all but my actual guts out. 

"Oh, Y/N/N," Peter murmured sympathetically. I felt his hands rest on the blanket again as if he were going to pull it away and I jerked away from the contact once again. "Hey? Why are you hiding?"

"Because I'm sick," I grumbled defensively. "I don't want you to see me like this!"

Peter clicked his tongue in disbelief. 

"Come on," he whined. "You know I couldn't care less about that!"

He could try all he wanted, but there was no way I was going to face him at the moment. I hadn't taken a good look at myself yet today, but I was certain I looked like a half-dead pile of garbage. I could feel the way my hair was matted and knotted from all the tossing and turning, my nose felt like it was on fire from all the snot pouring out of it, there was a dry spot on my chin that I was certain was leftover drool, and to top it all off I could practically feel the crushing weight of the bags from under my eyes. I crossed my arms petulantly from the confines of my blankets, not caring that he couldn't see my small act of stubbornness. 

I heard Peter sigh from his place beside me, and the weight on the bed shifted until I could feel him sitting right next to me. 

"Y/N, you know that I think you're the prettiest girl I've ever met, right?" he questioned softly from beside me. My face flushed wildly at the implication, although I don't think he would've been able to tell even if he could see my face due to the raging fever I was sure to have. Butterflies silently began to flutter in my tummy. I hummed in nonchalant agreement, unable to trust my voice at the moment. 

"Well you are. You're the prettiest, funniest, smartest, cutest, and most stubborn girl I know", he replied firmly, putting unnecessary emphasis on the last bit. "And seeing you when you're sick isn't going to change any of that."

I grumbled lowly, silently feeling my resolve weaken but unwilling to concede just yet. Peter evidently took my silence to mean he was getting through to me and began talking once more. 

"I was really worried you know?" he continued casually. "When you weren't at school today, I mean. I thought something bad might've happened..."

The same feeling of guilt from earlier came crawling back to me and began to weigh heavily within my already sore chest at his admission. His voice sounded like he was desperately trying to sound unaffected, but I could hear the remnants of the fear and panic he'd felt this morning. The guilt intensified and ran it's way up my body and rested into my eyes and throat, burning them with unshed tears begging to be let out. 

I cautiously peeked out from the blankets, still covering everything but my eyes from Peter's vision. He smiled at the small victory -- that perfectly crooked and adorable smile that never failed to make my heart melt and my knees feel weak. I smiled back, although it quickly drooped into a frown when I realized he couldn't see it. 

"I won't stay if you don't want me to," he stated plainly while looking down at his lap. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than to be here with you and take care of you -- actually that's not true I just want you to feel better, regardless-- but what I mean is I won't if you don't want me to."

I giggled lightly at his near-incoherent babbling, causing his eyes to snap back up to my blanket-covered face and his face to break out into another one of those smiles I loved so much. I sighed indecisively. 

"You're sure you're not going to, like, freak out, right?" I questioned cautiously. Peter shook his head quickly, brown curls flying wildly around his face. 

"Positive." he affirmed. 

"And you swear that you aren't going to, like, take off running? Or, more likely, swinging?" I clarified. I was being purposely exaggerative, but underneath my sarcastic facade there was a part of me that was very much scared. Scared that Peter, the absolute best guy I knew and the person I relied most heavily on, would be disgusted with my illness-riddled self. Peter frowned, a look of genuine distress overtaking his features. 

"I would never." he vowed incredulously. I searched his handsome face silently as I contemplated. 

Finally, after several long moments of deliberation, I sighed in defeat and slowly pulled the blankets away from the rest of my face. Peter just looked on encouragingly as my dramatic ass took its time, a tiny proud smile playing on his lips. 

"There's my pretty girl," he cooed soothingly as I finally detangled my upper body out of the mass of bedding. I shot him a look of pure annoyance which only seemed to fuel his glee further. He chuckled lightly, pulling my overheated and yet somehow still shivering form to his chest. I willingly allowed him to pull me into the comfort of his embrace, suddenly feeling too tired and weak to protest further. 

Peter's arms were my favorite place to be. Hands down. I'd discovered long ago that his chest provided the perfect pillow: it was soft, yet firm, warm, but not too hot, and smelled like the perfect mixture of his body wash, laundry detergent, and his natural scent. Also not to be taken for granted was the way his strong arms instantly wound around me whenever we cuddled. Being in his arms never failed to make me feel safe and protected. I sighed contently, rubbing my tired and throbbing head deeper into his embrace. He rubbed small circles into my aching back, voice crooning in my ears with unintelligible words of affection. 

"Still the prettiest girl I know," he declared fondly. I lifted my head just enough to look at his face, a display of near-herculean effort on my part, and shot him the most incredulous look I could muster. 

"You're a dork," I grumbled lightly, tucking my fever-and-blush tinged red cheeks back into the comfort of his chest. I felt my makeshift pillow vibrate as a chuckle followed. 

"Yeah. But I'm your dork," he replied cheekily. I hummed in agreement, too tired to argue back.

 I dropped my head further into my own chest as I was unexpectedly hit with another wave of uncontrolled hacking. I could feel Peter's arms rubbing against my back as I did, and after all was said and done I winced at the rush of pain through my head, throat, and lungs. He tsked sympathetically before asking when the last time I took any pain meds was. Unable to find my voice I simply shook my head stubbornly. 

I grumbled incoherently as Peter gently removed me from his arms, unhappy at the loss of contact. He chuckled once more before promising to return quickly as he strode out of my bedroom door. I groaned childishly before my body decided that now would be an awesome time to make me sneeze any and all phlegm that had built up in my nasal passageways. 

I sneezed violently for what felt like hours -- by the end tears were streaming down my face and there weren't enough balled up tissues in my vicinity to stop the flow of snot running from my poor, sore nose. I plopped back onto the pillows, completely worn out and miserable. 

Almost like he could sense my discomfort (and I'm sure if anyone could, it was him) Peter rushed back into my room, arms full. He placed a litany of items unceremoniously onto my comforter before silently handing me a glass of water and a few pills. 

I gratefully accepted, sitting up slightly to take them. The cool water against my burning, scratchy throat felt simultaneously painful and relieving at once. Peter smiled encouragingly, taking the half empty glass back and placing it on my nightstand. Next he pulled out a damp washcloth and motioned for me to lean back once more. Curiosity overtaking me, I complied. 

Ever the sweetest boy I knew, Peter began lightly wiping my overheated face with the cool cloth. I let out a moan of appreciation that I was certain was going to embarrass me later if Peter's reddened cheeks were any indication. Currently, however, I couldn't have cared less if I tried. The cooling feeling spreading across my sweaty, fever ravaged skin was almost hypnotic. I closed my eyes and leaned into the cloth as he methodically maneuvered it around my face.

"S-sorry if it's too cold," Peter's nervous voice interrupted my near-trance. I opened my eyes to see his adorable face very close to mine, expression full of concern. "I can stop now,"

"Why though?" I whined. "I was enjoying that!"

Peter's face turned bright red once more, face turning downwards briefly to hide his wide smile. 

"I'm glad," he replied bashfully. "But you're kind of starting to really shiver, so I think we should stop for now,"

He tossed the rag expertly across the room, landing it neatly on the back of my chair without even really looking. I rolled my eyes. 

"Show-off."  

He just grinned. 

“Okay, I also brought you more tissues, some cough drops, some cold medicine, your laptop, some new blankets...”. 

Peter’s voice changed completely, dropping down to a more serious tone as he waved his hands over each item as he explained. I felt tears start to collect in my eyes, wholly touched at the sheer sweetness of his thoughtfulness. I was trying to come up with a response as the tears began to drop down my face in big, fat droplets when Peter took note of my emotional state. His eyes went wide with worry -- he instantly shuffled closer to me and wrapped scooped me up, blankets and all. His arms wound around my body tightly as he placed me on his lap and his cheek rested lightly against the crown of my head.

"Hey, hey," he soothed quietly. "You're okay, I'm here. What hurts sweet girl?"

I chuckled breathlessly at his response, thoroughly enamored with his protective concern for my well-being. 

"I'm okay Petey, nothing hurts," I mumbled quickly. The throbbing of my head and ache in my chest immediately flared at my words, clearly enraged to have been downplayed like that. I grimaced. 

"Okay that's a lie -- everything hurts," I amended begrudgingly. "But that's not why I'm crying."

He pulled his head back just enough to look me in the eyes, expression riddled with confusion. 

“I just -- you’re so --,” I struggled to put the way I was feeling into words. Peter waited patiently, concern-filled eyes never leaving my face. 

“I just love you,” I murmured finally, looking deeply into Peter’s eyes. “Like, a lot.” 

His face softened immediately and his cheeks filled with the gorgeous pink blush that I adored as he gazed lovingly down at me. I felt time stop, the way it always seemed to when he looked at me like that. I held my breath, captivated by the proximity of my very handsome boyfriend and the feeling of his arms wound so tightly around me. 

“I love you too,” he whispered softly, face bowing down towards my own until I could feel his breath fanning against my lips. I felt my brain short-circuit for the millionth time this morning, though this time it wasn’t fever-related. Peter’s face drifted closer and closer to my lips at what seemed like a glacial pace. Just as our lips were about to connect, a thought ran through my mind, clear as a bell, and I jerked backwards so suddenly I fell off Peter’s lap and into a heap on the floor. 

“Oh my god! Y/N, are you okay?!”

Peter hurriedly picked me up and placed me gingerly back on my bed. I chuckled breathlessly, still a little dazed from the close encounter. 

“What the hell was that?” he questioned incredulously. 

“You can’t kiss me! You’ll get sick!”

Peter looked stunned. 

“You -- you’ve got to be kidding me,” he groaned, body flopping backwards onto my bed momentarily before he sat back up and looked me straight in the face. “You’re joking, right?”

I crossed my arms stubbornly against my chest and stared defiently at him. He studied my expression for a beat before he sighed and flopped onto his back once more. I giggled at his frustration, and he sat up once more to shoot me an exasperated look. Then, his eyes lit up with a mischievous look and he grinned at me. 

“You know, I haven’t been sick once since I got bit,” he mentioned nonchalantly. I raised an eyebrow, urging him to continue. “I don’t even think I can get sick anymore honestly.”

“Nice try Spiderling,” I rolled my eyes. “I’m not chancing it. Queens needs you.”

“Yeah but I need you,” he whined. “I can’t go a whole day without affection, I’ll die!”

I snorted. 

“Nice try Tinkerbell,” I chuckled. Peter’s pout deepened. “Aww, don’t do that. You know it’s for your own good!” 

Peter stuck out his bottom lip childishly. 

“Alright, alright, you win,” he grumbled. “But cuddles are non-negotiable! I will literally die without them.”

I smiled widely at his response, scooching up to the head of the bed with him and allowing him to pull me into his chest once more. He fiddled with my laptop for a few moments and not long after I was drifting off on his shoulder as our favorite movie played. One of his hands was splayed across my back, trapping me against him (as if I’d ever want to move) and the other was tangled in the messy hair against my head. I was fading, falling into sleep steadily. 

“Mmmmm Petey,” I breathed softly. “Love you.”

I couldn’t be sure, but I thought I felt him smile against my hair. 

“I love you too sweet girl,” he whispered. I raised my head tentatively, eyes closed and lips searching his cheeks for their favorite spot. I felt Peter’s breath hitch, and his face dip down towards mine just slightly. “Thought you were worried about getting me sick.”

I set my mouth in a pout. 

“But you said you can’t get sick, right?” I mumbled hopefully. Peter chuckled, the vibrations from his chest tickling my cheek.

"Thought you weren't gonna chance it?" he questioned breathlessly. "Q-queens needs me."

"I need you," I whined. He chuckled again, the deep timbre sending shivers down my spine. 

"Well, I can't let you down now can I?" he whispered playfully before finally connecting his thin lips to mine. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of my illness went by like an insane fever dream. Peter stuck by my side like glue the entire time, taking care of me like the sweet boy he is and spending the majority of the time entangled with me on my bed as we watched wayyy too much Netflix. The times he left were brief -- just long enough to convince my mom and his aunt that he was still sleeping back at his apartment. 

I was finally back in school, feeling refreshed and eager to be out in the world once more. I walked over to Peter's locker, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek and waving hello to MJ and Ned. His ears and cheeks flushed pink at the display and I grinned with pride. Ned just smiled while MJ rolled her eyes fondly. 

"Someone's glad to be back," she quipped dryly. I laughed, carding my fingers through Peter's as we all began to walk down the hall. 

"I actually am," I replied cheerily. "I'm as surprised as you are."

As we walked Ned began filling me in on everything I'd missed while I was out. I listened to him chat excitedly about Flash's new car and the change in the Decathalon team's lineup with amusement, wholly happy to be back to my normal routine. My mood was broken suddenly as I felt the fine hairs on the back of Peter's arm stand straight up from the spot where our arms brushed together. I looked up at him anxiously, wondering what could be lurking in our midst that sent his senses off.

Peter looked as baffled as I did. His eyes scanned the halls furiously, searching for the source of the danger. The two of us slowed to a complete stop in the middle of the hall. 

Ever perceptive, MJ eyed Peter and I suspiciously before bluntly asking what was wrong. Ned turned and looked on curiously after he finally noticed that no one was following him anymore. I glanced at Peter, unsure of what to say. He cleared his throat nervously.

"I dunno, I just got this really weird--"

He started to explain, but part way in he paused and let out the biggest sneeze I'd ever heard. And that's coming from a girl that just spent the last 4 days coughing and sneezing like it was her job. MJ and Ned chuckled knowingly as Peter just stared at me, utterly bewildered. I couldn't help but giggle at the incredulous look on his face before smiling sheepishly at my poor boyfriend.

"I did warn you!"

[angelsonthesideline]

Tales from the Ex-Crypt Vol. 8

Well.. This one isn't as much an "ex" as we only ever saw each other twice, but after I explain what happened on the "twice" it will likely be apparent... So consider this one of my "dating misadventures".

We met on Tinder, he was in my area for work, as he's a red seal carpenter and there's tons of trades work going on. We hadn't talked that much, but enough to know we got along and had exchanged numbers. It was a hot Saturday, he decided to call his day early because of the heat and texted me to see what I was up to, and we decided to do a breakfast date after he showered and drove out from the city.

He was much more attractive in person, and had a great personality.. We found a little hole in the wall diner and had brunch with great convo. So we decided to go for a drive, so I could show him some areas he wouldn't see just working in downtown Toronto.

We went to my favourite little fruit orchard winery and did a cider tasting of their new ciders, they were all delicious, so we bought a few to take home. Came back a different route so he'd see even more, then came back to my place and kept talking. When we went to say goodnight, he kissed me, pushing me against the wall and it went from there..

We had such a great time, we made plans to go to the Slipknot concert that was happening a few weeks later.

That turned out to be the completely opposite experience. I got stuck in awful traffic getting to his rental because Waze decided to take me downtown instead of across the north. I was late getting to his place, which didn't even end up being an issue because he wasn't ready when I got there anyways. His bff had come into town and they were partying already.

He brought a backpack and smuggled beers into the venue, had smoked a joint with his buddy and the guys who were also renting rooms at their place before we left.

He was a little belligerent as a drunk, in that he kept wanting to find seats someone didn't show up for instead of just chilling on the lawn where we had tickets to. He had a few beers, and decided to go for a wander to get more. When he came back he was super fucked up, no idea what he did or what he found, but we had to locate each other with selfies and I had to find him. He then ended up deciding he wanted in the pit. We were 4 songs into Slipknot's set when I get a call..

"Kicked out"

He was so loaded he could barely speak properly, but somehow found my number in his phone and called me, requesting I come see him. I hit the bathroom on the way to the gates, with his backpack and the smuggled beer/blanket inside. He calls me again, because I wasn't there yet.

In the 10'ish minutes it took me to walk from the venue (which is on an island), go to the bathroom, and then continue to the front gates across the bridge, he was so out of it, he couldn't even tell me where he was in the area outside the gates. Took me another 10 minutes to find him.

Managed to collect him, all 6'2 and 235-240lbs of muscle that he was. He was a veteran with two active duties behind him, who had been shot, and blown up.. and here I was slugging his ass - shoulder supporting his arm, hand holding his wrist, other hand in the back of his shorts steering him - through a CROWDED AS FUCK exhibition grounds (the CNE in Toronto is basically the biggest carnival we have here) heading to the street car station at the front gates. I have to pee again (damn beer), so I drop him off at a giant rock outside of the bathroom entrance and tell him to *stay* like a damn dog. I'm mid-stream when my phone starts ringing and he's looking for me. I finish, wash my hands and recollect him.

When we get to the streetcar station, he's so hammered he can barely find his transit pass, they don't even ask for my fare, just make me put his shirt on.. he then tries to run to the street car and wipes out, taking me with him because his fall pulled me partway down.. No blood at least on either of us, but my sandal was the casualty, stretching out the toe thong on one and making them trash.

Get him on the street car, then manage to wrangle his ass through Union Station to the subway AND get on the right subway to get back to his area (where my vehicle was, although I was stuck staying over because I was intending to and had been drinking and while shit like this sobers you up, I knew I still wasn't okay to drive).

The entire subway ride, I'm struggling not to puke and he's sleeping on my lap.. wake him up the stop before his, so he will be able to be more alert and actually able to drag his ass off the subway (keep in mind, I am still supporting him with the arm over shoulder/shorts steering maneuver at this point). We get on the escalator, and get him outside. There's a crowd waiting for the bus already, and he tries unzipping his pants to take a piss. I'm like "you can't pee here!" and he gives up trying to unzip (gets it about half undone) and just pisses himself... like Austin Powers levels of piss... everywhere...

I still have to get soggy drippy pants home now.. and we have about 2 km to walk after we get off the bus. We get about 200 feet before he walks up the grassy hill and lays down and almost passes out. I force him to get back up, we get about half a block further and he lays down on the grass outside of an old age home and won't get up.. so I finally get him to call his buddy to come get us (who he doesn't even remember at this point and I have to remind him who he is)... first call was unsuccessful, second call I took the phone and his buddy came to get us. He died laughing at the situation, and was as puzzled as me as to how he was falling down (he wiped out again on the way to the truck) drunk when the man can drink a ton and be okay and his buddy had never seen him that wasted in years of partying/friendship, including drugs.

We got him home, he showered and crawled into bed and passed out.. I shared his twin bed with him and drove home the next day, had a shower after no sleep and went into work late (which I had booked off anyways).

Was definitely an experience... and I still haven't managed to see a full Slipknot set because last years show was cancelled due to Covid. But I will definitely not be slugging some drunk ass out before the show is done next time!!

[thathonleygirl]

The Beginning

November 2019 – June 2020 Background

I decided to start this documentation of my journey into motorcycling for many reasons, mainly because I want to work on my writing skills and sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the mindless scrolling. I also think I’ll enjoy going back and reading this when I’m less of a rookie I’ll be recreating the timeline from the MSF course to the present from memory. I decided to dive into motorcycling as a hobby for myself, and also as a hobby for me to share with my boyfriend of 2+ years, Chris. Ultimately I can confidently say he inspired me to ride on my own and has been so supportive every step of the way.

November 2019 – MSF Class & getting my motorcycle endorsement I remember this weekend like it was yesterday. It was a freezing weekend and I’m out in the parking lot of RCCC bundled up from head to toe. I was happy it was cold because I was super nervous and excited, and heat stresses me out. There’s about 15 of us in the class, and right off the bat everyone is super friendly because we’re all here for the same thing – there was defiantly a wide range of skill levels and reasons for taking the class – but we’re all there for the same class. The two teachers of the class were AWESOME, and I’ll remember them for the rest of my riding career. They took us through the basics – controls, friction zone, etc. and soon we were riding through the first set of drills. My bike was a Kawasaki Eliminator from the 1800’s and it kept shutting off due to the cold weather. It also was impossible to find neutral, even the instructors couldn’t find it – I was just relieved that it wasn’t operator error. At the end of the 1st riding day they both told me they were impressed and proud of how I did – which meant so much to me considering I had never touched a clutch before, lol. The second day was a little rough, but still a success, mainly because I began to overthink every little thing because I knew there was going to be a test at the end of the day. This is when I first learned the importance of your headspace when on the bike, and how too much anxiety can be catastrophic. That being said, I still passed the class and got my endorsement the next week I really wish I had gotten the contact info for the people in the class, but the excitement of passing the class got the best of me.

March 2020 – Meeting Jolene I’d be lying if I said the process of bringing Jolene home was smooth, and the truth is I have a newfound hatred for dealerships and salespeople, LOL. But it was all well worth it. I went to Team Charlotte Motorsports with the intention of buying a Honda Rebel 500 in all black, but was disappointed when they didn’t have the right colors, and the bike just didn’t feel right when I first sat on one. But oh boy, when I first sat on Jolene I knew she was the one and I knew I had to have her. I’ve always been super laid back but when my mind is set on something, I get DETERMINED. After leaving the dealership because the price was too high, I began to obsess. After a week of negotiating and an extra fiery in-person negotiation, I finally got the price I wanted and Chris rode her home the next day. The whole process was rewarding in the sense of getting what I want and not backing down!

March-April 2020 – Attitude Adjustment I was off to a ROCKY start, and a few times I lost a lot of hope and had a lot of “WTF did I get myself into?!” moments in my first few loops around our neighborhood. My bike felt 100x heavier and harder to maneuver than my Eliminator, and my nerves were getting the best of me. I was scared to even let out the clutch at first. But after a few times stalling, I was doing loops in first gear around the neighborhood. On the third round of neighborhood loops, I was having a moment overthinking a left turn from a stop sign, and dropped the bike after it stalled and jerked in the middle of the turn. It was a devastating moment because my immediate reaction was that I just ruined my brand new bike in less than 100 miles, and the salt in the wound was the fact that I couldn’t pick the bike up. Luckily, a good Samaritan neighbor was close by with help, and the bike was totally fine (just wasn’t in neutral so it wouldn’t start). Not even a scratch, I’m a lucky girl. I spent some time feeling sorry for myself and hopeless but that was getting me nowhere. In that moment, I realized one theme in all my “practice” – I was scared of my bike, and was not taking control over her like I should be. I began to try and change my mindset, and just love the fuck out of her like she was my best friend. It’s crazy how much your mental state affects performance, especially on a motorcycle. As my attitude shifted, so did my confidence and success. After endless neighborhood loops and sideways stares from the neighbors, I finally made it out on the road (just down the street to the nearest park, but out of the neighborhood nevertheless! That was a game changing feeling for me. That is what it’s all about.

April 2020 – Real Deal At this point, im still having pretty intense nerves before every ride, but I have made it out of Edison Square (finally). The first ride ALL THE WAY out of the neighborhood was me following Chris who was driving his truck, leading me on what would become my trusty loop. We wanted to take some pictures for Instagram, which I’ve been trying to grow since I got Jolene. The biker community on social media is AWESOME, it’s incredible how many other riders around the world I’ve gotten to share experiences with and learn from, most importantly being able to “meet” other girl riders. Anyways, during that first mini trip following chris I finally made it into 5th gear and got into some twistys, I was smiling so hard in my helmet the whole time. I feel so close to my bike now and with every ride I feel more in tune, and less intimidated by her. I almost feel like she’s a horse or something, lol. We stopped to take some pictures in front of some office building which was empty because Covid – I felt so uncomfortable taking pictures but Chris was such a good sport in trying to get the best angles LOL. The whole Instagram thing has defiantly taken me out of my comfort zone – but so has riding as a whole – and I never want to go back. After this trip, I started going out on the same trip as much as I could, but still was having intense pre-ride jitters – but with every ride, I felt less anxiety and I could actually enjoy and have fun while still learning and practicing the basics. The post-ride bliss, however, was always an amazing feeling and I noticed that on the days I did get out to ride, I felt more at ease and generally better for the rest of the day. Meanwhile, we are still waiting on chris’s bike to be done getting worked on.

May 2020 – First Group Ride We finally got chris’ bike back after SUCH a long time. It’s crazy how much I worry when he’s riding his bike with me driving the car; but I don’t worry at all about myself when I’m riding lol. Side note – I’m such a lucky girl to have chris and he amazes me on a daily basis. I love how he set up the group ride, knew the route we were going to ride and also planned out how we would meet up with our two friends along the way. Before this ride, I finally just felt excited for the ride, and less nerves in the pit of my stomach. I found myself agonizing over which placement in the lineup I wanted to ride in, weighing out the pros and cons of each – I had to keep reminding myself that I don’t know shit, there’s no point in worrying, and just to trust chris (that option hasn’t let me down yet!) Side rant – im realizing as I ride more and more miles that most of my fears have been irrational. It starts with me conjuring up a situation that I feel would be dicey on a motorcycle, then I obsess over all the possible negative outcomes in those situations, and then I obsess over when I will come across them in my journey. So far – I have not been right a single time. For example – left turn at a yellow blinking light – I wanted to actually reroute my ride to avoid this, but when I was forced to do it, I rode through it with NO issues. It’s crazy what a whirlwind our minds can conjure up with little to no reason or backup to support our fears. Long story short, I need to get over myself and go with the flow, and take each learning experience as just that. Again, chris’s patience is remarkable. Back to the group ride – it was awesome. I was again, smiling so hard in my helmet as chris and I chatted through the turns, as he’s telling me how proud he is of me and just having all the good feelings along the way. So glad we went with the Cardo systems, I can’t imagine the ride without them. We rode over 100 miles through the country around Midland and hit a bunch of turns. I got to practice things I don’t necessarily enjoy, like stoplights, a LOT which was great. I still need to work on speeding up my starts especially turning starts. Getting home from the ride was a great feeling, it’s such a high – the post ride bliss. We got to head to the beach right after for a long weekend, which was much needed. We came home from the beach and chris surprised me with a longboard, which I had been talking a lot about wanting lately. Words just aren’t enough to describe how grateful I am to call him mine.

May 26th 2020 – 2nd Group Ride It’s been raining for the past two weeks, pretty much ever since we picked Chris’s bike up from the shop. Side note – Chris and I are doing a watermelon cleanse from Tuesday through Friday, and we were at the end of day 1 at this point. I didn’t realize how much of a toll the fast had taken on me until I started riding, I was overthinking every move I made and just felt unstable overall. Everything just felt harder, and it was such a reminder of how much your mental state affects your riding. Overall the ride was great and I’m so glad we got out and rode though, the country roads were beautiful and the temperature was just perfect at around 70. I guess I need to focus on the positives here – that the ride was beautiful, we didn’t get caught in the rain and I got to experience new roads. And of course got some great pics. I’ve officially become that girl who takes pictures in the parking lot for Instagram, but I really don’t care because it’s been fun building my social media presence.

May 31st 2020 – 300 milestone Well, I finally did it – I hit 300 miles on the bike, the halfway mark to my first 600 mile service, lol. Last night’s ride was absolutely perfect, I couldn’t have asked for better weather (mid 70’s, not humid at all) and feeling the crisp air as I was passing my previous top speed at 60+ mph was an unmatchable feeling. Every time I have a ride like this, I always think to myself, “This is what it’s all about.” My headspace was at a great spot and I felt confident and smooth throughout the ride. My starts were quicker and more fluent, my turns were smooth and I had less anxiety and anxious thoughts about shifting gears and going through the motions of riding in general. It’s crazy what a few days of healthy food and relaxing will do to your mind – this ride compared to the last entry was like night and day. We took the bikes to Mac’s Speed Shop for dinner – I was excited to ride my own bike there. Once we pulled up and Chris quickly whipped around to back his bike into his spot, I was reminded of my severe performance anxiety yet again, lol. I really need to get over the thought of people watching me and get over myself, people are going to watch what’s right in front of them, and a girl on a bike is sort of a rare occurrence. I feel like when people watch me, specifically men, they are just waiting for me to mess up because how could a girl like me be on her own bike? In reality, I’m sure they are barely even thinking about me at all, LOL. That brings me to something I really need to work on in general. I get really anxious when people watch me and I really need to make a conscious effort to work on getting over that. People are not worried about me – I know this – but rational thoughts get tossed out the window when I’m placed in front of a crowd. This trait of mine exists in every avenue of life – whether it is work, play, whatever; and I need to take time to grow out of this. I think it will help me have less social anxiety and will probably help my confidence which will have residual effects like an improved posture and overall sense of stability. I just wonder if this is a habit that can just naturally be broken with practice/repetition or is this something that requires more attention and effort to fix. Wow – such a rabbit hole, lol, but I doubt anyone will even read this. Back to the ride – I have absolutely loved the feeling of making it home from a successful ride, or “post – ride bliss.” Chilling on the couch with my honey after a perfect ride (for both of us) is my ideal Sunday evening. Chris’s longboard finally came in so we were able to skate over and get ice cream before we called it a night. I just love our life together and think that we truly have the perfect relationship that is a mixture of best friends and lovers that just keeps getting stronger and better with time. I am so happy. With our economy tanking due to a virus in our country that’s being burnt down all around us, he is my peace. To work on –faster upshifting –downshift through EACH gear when approaching a stop (stop banging down all the gears without releasing the clutch in between) –get over performance anxiety –work on maneuvering the bike when off (in and out of parking spots, getting gas, backing out of garage, etc) –ride the bike into the garage myself! I’m so blessed to have Chris to help, teach and support me on this journey. He reminds me I don’t need to be able to do everything immediately but still pushes me to learn and become a better biker when he knows I’m capable of doing something.

June 11 – Making Progress Two big milestones this week. The first is installing my mini floorboards, the second being my skills improving on the bike. Last night Chris and I rode to Gamestop to pick up a Tony Hawk game, and I was nervous for the ride beforehand given the newness of my floorboards along with the general nerves I get before a ride. The ride ended up being AWESOME. I made sure to pay attention and downshift completely through each gear when coming to a stop, and I was able to do it successfully most of the time, lol. Also had way faster starts, and beat Chris out of the stop lights a few times. The feeling of just riding with no traffic or light in sight is unmatchable, especially in 5th gear when it feels like nothing can hold Jolene back. During these stretches of the ride, my thoughts are always revolving around THIS being what it’s all about, THIS is riding, and this is freedom. It’s an unmatchable feeling. I also felt good when we pulled into eastfield for dinner because I was able to smoothly maneuver around the parking lot that was semi-full without issue. Also I didn’t need help when leaving the parking spot outside of gamestop. taking rides after work used to be kind of a fear of mine, and I was usually reluctant to take them in fear that I would be too braindead after a full workday. The ride last night, however, proved this fear wrong. I think no matter the time of day, day of the week, temperature, WHATEVER it may be, it’s all about your headspace and that is the greatest determinant for the outcome of the ride. I’m glad that I’m starting to feel less and less anxiety prepping for and starting out on each ride, the stomach aches and general feelings of fear are melting away with every mile in the seat. Soon I’ll be scheduling my 600 mile service To work on be more gentle when downshifting, especially to first. Stop stomping on the poor shifter ride the bike into the garage myself keep improving engine breaking/downshifting completely through each gear to 2nd or 1st

June 13 – Passing 500 on my first real trip So many milestones (literally) passed this weekend! 1 – passed the 500 mile mark & 2 – first 100+ mile trip! Minus one close-call, the whole trip/day was amazing with my love. We first headed out to Asheboro Harley Davidson dealership, stopping at a couple gas stations along the way. I passed my previous top speed and managed to hit 65+ mph, and I don’t know if that was Jolene’s limit or if it was user-error. Aside from the wind feeling like it was going to blow me off of the bike, it felt exhilarating to ride fast on the open highway. After we left the second gas station, I was following Chris (a little too closely) and the left turn we were supposed to take snuck up on us so I locked up my brakes and skidded (loudly) down the street, fishtailing straight down the street, missing the turn. Mid-way through the skid, the only thought running through my head was “fuck, we’re going down.” Somehow either my reflexes or my guardian angel, or a combination of the two, were looking out for me and Jolene stayed upright. Somehow I knew to kind of let go of the breaks and handlebars and let the bike do its thing, and sure enough I was able to straighten out and stay upright. It was a sobering experience for sure, and it took a little while to gain my confidence back for the rest of the ride. Chris is a patient angel though. We made it to the Asheboro Harley dealership to pick up our poker chips and chill for a little bit, and we were surprised to see it was crowded. It’s such a nice dealership though, they had a food truck serving Greek food, free beer on tap and the MSF course happening in the parking lot that we could watch while eating our lunch. Chris and I talked about how we always feel like outcasts from the “Harley crowd” but the people we talked to were nice. It started getting late so we headed out to the next stop, the Moonset general store near Uwharrie and Badin Lake. The rest of the ride was uneventful, and Chris and quickly became exhausted lol. I kept wondering to myself if I would always feel this tired from riding. It’s just such a mental thing that takes your full attention and effort at all times, and being hyper-aware of your surroundings at all times. There’s also the physical side of riding that involves every extremity in unison just to work the bike controls. I think that’s what makes coming home from a trip feel so rewarding. Once we made it home, we got burgers at Eastfield and called it a night after we both fell asleep on the couch lol. We took a short ride to pinky’s after detailing the bikes on Sunday and that was also a great ride. Short and sweet.

June 23 – Ready for 1st Service The more experience and riding I’ve gotten, the less I feel the need to write and blog which is a good thing more time spent actually riding. Passed the 600 mile mark and trying to schedule my service appointment this week after I install my new Vance and Hines pipes on Wednesday, so pumped for the new sound and look. I’m feeling so much more comfortable now riding, still have a few things I want to work on but when I think about the first few times I took Jolene out and compare that to how I feel riding now, it’s almost like I’m a whole new person. The things that used to scare me to death are things I can do without thinking twice now. I’m learning that the faster I go, the more comfortable I feel, and that the fears I used to have are pretty irrational. Over the weekend Chris, his mom and I went on a ride through the country before it got too hot outside. It made me happy to see how happy Chris’s mom was after the ride. We talked about how great of a teacher he is and how supportive he is every step of the way. The next day, Chris, his brother and I went on a ride to Statesville Harley and got lunch at Grouchos (Chris chose for me because I always talk about how ive always wanted to eat there, hehe). It was a great ride, minus almost running over a snake haha. One other biker that was at Grouchos joined in with us for part of the ride home, then another biker on the road joined in too. It was cool to hold up the middle, lol. Chris said I did a good job. The sense of community in the biker world is something amazing and it makes me so excited for the future, and how many cool people I will meet along the way.

[themiddlelayer]

I do not want this

Like the NIN song... I do not want this. I can’t keep doing this. Being this. 

Ever have an epiphany hit you so hard that you literally just say, “Fuck me!” out loud? That’s what’s happening right now.

Doing what? Being what? Well... doing this thing where I feed the fantasy. Being the fantasy. I do not want this. 

My most recent conversation with Jersey has been on my mind since I opened my eyes and started crying. 

Part 1: COVID. He’s a firefighter in New Jersey, right across from NYC. In previous conversations he’d told me about the uptick in calls because people who had never cooked were setting kitchen fires. I giggled, I admit it. 

But he also said that people were “dying left and right” out there. Last night he told me about a friend of his who lost both of her parents to COVID. She couldn’t be with them, and they put their bodies into refrigerated trucks. Utterly heartbreaking. 

He tries not to talk politics but he said that our leadership should be ashamed of themselves. (I totally agree) And then he started talking about moving to Nova Scotia and living together in a tiny house. Another fantasy. But...

Part 2: He is married. When we met in MD he and his wife were living apart and apparently had been on and off for years. But when I tried to ask what their dynamic was, he sidestepped things. Bottom line, as far as she knows they are monogamous and closed. 

Even then there was talk of leaving once his kid was old enough. His kid is now 20 years old. Which set me spinning down another track...

He has been married for at least 2 decades and he’s sitting there on fire duty talking to me about running away from his life and starting over with me. That is my worst nightmare. 

Can you imagine spending 20+ years married to someone only to find out that they were talking to another woman (or more than one, who knows?) on and off for (at least) FIVE YEARS?!? That is such a deep level of betrayal and hurt that it makes my heart ache to know that I’ve been that woman. 

I’d justified it in my own mind... that’s between him and her, he’s the one breaking agreements. There has to be more to the story. It’s just talk anyway and I don’t think he would actually do it. 

And then he said, “Life change is important after all this.” So, would he actually do it now? 

I’ve done this too many times before. I did the unethical non-monogamy from the beginning. Byron and I lost our virginity to each other, then he started dating my best friend... but kept sleeping with me. And when I was sexually assaulted by another friend’s boyfriend, nobody believed me because if I would sleep with one friend’s boyfriend of course I’d sleep with another, right?!? 

I was 16 years old in a relationship with a 31 year old who was literally 3 days out of San Quentin (yes, prison) when we met. His girlfriend was my mother’s best friend and when she threatened to kick my ass, my mother said, “Well, if you feel the need to do it, go ahead!” 

I told the boyfriend before MM that I wasn’t ready for monogamy and commitment but when he realized that I meant it and I was hooking up with a couple from work he freaked out and ended things. I was so proud of myself for being honest. For not being that person anymore. For owning who I was and what I wanted. I had finally found a way to be honest and real and be exactly who I was without hurting anyone. That was 8 years ago.

MM and I actually had conversations about Jersey when this all started. MM was, for lack of a better word, disappointed in me for knowingly getting involved with a cheater. 

Jersey isn’t the only one lately. Another of my first partners reached out to me not long ago. He’s been in a relationship with a woman for a decade. When we chatted, he went on about how I was the one who “made him a man” and that he wanted to come see me. I brought up the girlfriend and all he said was that he’s 42 not 14 anymore and that it would be a ‘business trip.’ 

I do not want this. I’m just a fantasy to them... to more than just those two if I’m being honest. I’ve had several others tell me that I was ‘the one who got away’ and their ‘first love’ and admitted to masturbating to pictures of me decades after we were together. 

It sounds like it should be flattering. And I have to admit that a part of me still loves the attention and the idea that I’m the measuring stick that these men have used over the years with new partners. I’m that amazing. 

But today it hit me like a ton of bricks. I do not want this. I don’t want to be somebody’s fantasy. I want to be somebody’s partner. I want to be a whole person in their eyes much in the way I’ve fought for so long to become a whole person in my own eyes. 

And yes, I love taking sexy pictures and sharing them. I love giving head. I love being tied up and beaten. But I also love deep conversations, home-cooked meals and everyday life with a partner. I shouldn’t have to choose between the two. 

I can be lovable and fuckable. I AM LOVABLE AND FUCKABLE... and there’s nothing wrong with being both, dammit! 

I do not want this... This thing I’ve allowed myself to become in the eyes of these men. 

I think Tor is the closest I’ve gotten to being a whole person with. He’s seen my sexy pics, but we’ve also talked about mental health and relationships and grief and loss... he is literally my supervisor and he sees the work I do and how good I really am at my job. Seeing my ass... seeing me steamed up and soapy in the shower, hearing stories about my sex life... none of that changes the other things I am with him. That is so fucking empowering. 

Is this the lesson I needed to learn here? Is this one of the big clue-by-fours I’ve been artfully dodging that needed to be demolished? Holy shit. 

I really miss drinking right now. 

[bl6ckr0s3]

Frustration of Work/Kitty Covid/The Stupid Ex-Husband

I started off getting ready pretty late and leaving the apartment 30 minutes later than I normally should have. I had a lot on my mind yesterday due a certain amount of current events. I realized even though I went to work yesterday, I still had a lot of anxiety & frustration in my mind today so I truly didn’t feel like going to work today. Right when I was passing through Montclair, I decided to just call off work online. I parked at Tommy’s Burgers on Central Ave., called off work, then went into the drive-thru of Tommy’s to order some food. I been craving them, so I had to get their food since I was starving since last night. After having lunch, I drove back home to relax. 

My car was beginning to act up since last week on a Monday. I started noticing a lack of power and a dragging feeling every time I accelerated. I was getting concerned if my transmission was gonna take a shit because my Honda Accord is at about 370k miles. Anyways, I had to take my car out to work because Ricky needed to take his car out to get some weed. Since he wasn’t gonna be able to return home in time, I had no choice, but to take my car to work. The evening I drove home, I know it wasn’t gonna make it so I had to end up leaving it parked at my family’s home until I was able to take it in the shop to get it diagnosed on the weekend. On Saturday first thing, I took it in for my 11am appointment. So my catalytic converter was clogged and they also recommended a 2ndary oxygen sensor. They wanted $2k for the service, so I only paid for the diagnosis and ended up having it towed by Ricky’s mechanic shop in Maywood for them work on my car.

When I decided to leave it at my family’s house, my sister thought about giving me her Prius to have a new transportation to rely on, but knowing how weak she is and still allowing our father to control her decisions, he yelled at her to not give me her car. She was being nice and thoughtful, but I told her it’s ok. My dad has nothing to do w/ my business which is the reason why I chose to move out of that house. I told her she should keep her car because it’s still new and she’s almost done paying it off. It would’ve been nice to have a newer car, but my dad just don’t believe in providing me something that’s practical. He told my sister to give me his old Avalon instead even though she told me it’s been having problems. No point in me taking the old man’s car because it’s older than my car, not to mention it wouldn’t be practical for me since I’m about to have a baby and I commute far between work & home. He’s too selfish to think about things like that, so I don’t want nothing from the old man. My sister was even bugging me about having his mechanic look at my car for free, I told him no thanks. I kept telling her that I was gonna handle it. It’s funny that right when I pulled up to take the car in the shop, my dad’s mechanic just barely pulled into their driveway. They couldn’t fucking just wait like I told them to. So whatever, i’m sorry that mechanic wasted his time and gas driving there, I didn’t ask them to call him. 

My sister was nice enough to give me $1k calling it a baby shower money, but I know it was really money to help pay for my car repair. I had the catalytic converter changed out, the oxygen sensor, the knock sensor, and a drive axle. On the day I picked up my car from the shop, it drove fine to work. On the way home to the freeway after work, it broke down on me with a loud ass grinding noise. I wasn’t able to accelerate anymore, so lucky I was able to pull it in the L.A. Fuel gas station on my right and I was able to be parked safe on the side of the driveway until the AAA truck came to tow me. Luckily, Ricky’s mechanic was only 14 minutes away from my job, so I didn’t have to pay any money to have my car towed that night. I was kinda pissed off & disappointed and it sucked that Ricky had to come out all the way to L.A. to pick me up. I called the shop the next morning and they told me the drive axle was defective, so they replaced it with a new part. I had them test drove it twice just to make sure that anymore mistakes can be caught before I drive it again after their repair. 

When I went to work yesterday, all I was able to think about were my poor cats. Moon had been sick with the cold or I would probably call it kitty covid 19 for about a month now. Then Mia caught it right after since they are always in the same room. I had to wash the cat bed because stupid ass Mia pissed in it. Moon and Mia were hacking up drooling and a lot of snot was coming out of their noses. They look like they had trouble breathing which the respiratory infection came out from their colds. Ricky thinks that I could’ve brought in the Covid from my shoes because of the fact that I walk straight inside without taking off my shoes and showering, but then again it isn’t my fault. I was almost convinced that Moon and Mia are about to die because they are getting pretty old. Moon is now 7 years old and Mia is 6. Mia has been sleeping in the cage since I took her box bed away because it was stinky, I had to give Mia a bath at the time too because their sickness is also causing the bedroom to stink. Ricky was nice enough to help look after them while I’m at work and helped wiped up their fluids and give them another bath. For the 1st time in weeks, Moon actually came outside of the bedroom this afternoon while I was making sandwiches b4 leaving to work. I worked on healing the cats while I was cursing Steven from my job to be banished. A couple of times, I was hoping that whatever I’m trying to do to help the cats did some kind of a difference. I had it with that stupid ass pervert pathetic excuse of a man because all he does is jack off to the women he talks to at work. He’s lazy as fuck and hardly works. He spends more time talking to the women than he does working the mail. The day I was trying to clean up the mess when we got in, he was pushing a wire cage towards the middle and he had the nerve to be yelling at one of the guys at the rack because he was trying to come through and one of his racks was blocking the path. Steven could have just softly and gently pushed it aside, but instead he shoves it hard with the wire cage almost hitting Brian Lee. I was yelling at the stupid fuck asking him what the fuck is his problem. He just kept walking of course, either he heard me or he was deaf and stupid. I couldn’t take his shit no more, so I just felt that cursing him was what he deserved. I couldn’t stand looking at his stupid ass face anymore.

Jennifer basically spent all evening last night doing nothing. She didn’t attempt to clean anything in her area at all, all she did was nothing. To think that she took my old work area after I bid out of tour 3, I could’ve cleaned up and set up myself and got some work done while all her mail is just piling up. She’s so lazy & useless. It only added more to my frustration when I was getting old and stupid ass Randy & La Tiera also wanted to keep the fans on. At times if I get cold and my belly starts hurting, I would have to go diarrhea which they wouldn’t know anyways, because they don’t have much respect for other’s health needs or are just too selfish. I just wanted to walk away and work somewhere else around the unit instead of working around people anymore. I miss working on my old rack. I was happy there. Now I think i’ll just spend the remainder of my energy trying to banish Steven & Jennifer so that I can have my peace back on the rack. I’m getting fed up working on SWYB. 

I been also nosing around Brian’s Facebook profile. I been logging in now and then to delete all the photos that he took of us when we were together. When I tried texting him this morning, he never responded to me. I wonder if he has blocked my phone number even though I blocked his? I noticed he also blocked me on both of my Facebook accounts when I tried contacting him about when he’s gonna be home so that I can have some paperwork delivered to him. So looks like he’s gonna try to hide out and avoid getting a divorce. I already found a company in his city in Arizona that has some good ratings, a serving service. They don’t charge too much so I’m planning on giving them a call tomorrow or next week. I plan on mailing all the paperwork to their office in Mesa, AZ so that they can serve those papers to Brian. I have to give AAA a call also to remove my name from his account because when I had to call them to have my car towed that other night, the dispatcher was asking me if this is Brian, I told her no, me and him are going through a divorce. She mentioned I should give the customer service a call to have my name removed from his account. Anyways, once I get the papers served to him, I don’t have to worry about doing my part anymore for at least a month. All I have to do is wait to see if he will respond or not.