#(my bday isn’t even till tomorrow but she wanted to give it early-)

[starrsbby]

MY SISTER GOT ME THE SASHA COLBY SET FOR MY BIRTHDAYYYYYY AHHHHHDBFIFJFKDKSK

[uhgoodmoni]

Oil Paints | MYG

Summary: t’s Yoongi’s bday!!! His girlfriend has noticed how he’s been blowing off the idea of anything happening for his birthday. Everyone will be busy. You don’t have to get him anything. He just wants to relax. Blah blah blah. Despite all that, she still wants to do something a little special. Nothing crazy because she knows he wouldn’t like that, but just a nicely set dinner, some wine, and a couple of gifts to surprise him when he gets home from work. It’s perfect, mood lighting at all! Surprise, surprise! He’s not answering his calls, worrying her to death.

(This is so late for his bday but thats okay because life happens! Thanks for reading!)

Warnings: - angst, pure angst - fluff -

Ao3 - Wattpad

How’s it going?

This was the tenth message that I had sent to Yoongi. It was also the tenth message he didn’t respond to. He was just busy. I already knew that. He told me. But I was just worried. He had a horrible week. Each day was more draining than the last, and I was sure that he wasn’t giving himself a break either. I can always tell when he’s about to hit his limit. I wish he wouldn’t hold it in so much. Especially since it was his birthday. Big Hit wouldn’t overwork him on his birthday? Would they? 

Well, they probably would, except I knew that Yoongi himself was overworking himself too. He works so hard. Too hard sometimes, and the boys or I would have to remind him to take some free time. But he wanted the projects to be perfect. I was proud of him for working so hard but I just wished he would take a break when given the chance. 

Today was one of those chances. Of course, he went to work early, so did I. But he said he would be working a bit late, he wouldn’t get home until around eight. It was a little disappointing to not be able to spend his birthday with him. Not that he wanted me to plan anything, but just being able to shower him with affections would be enough. Watching movies, listening to him rant about his next mixtape. That’s all I wanted for today. Instead, I had to watch his birthday live from my work desk. He seemed happier than he had been the whole week. Namjoon and Jin came in to visit him. It was refreshing to see him smile so freely. He really was happy doing this job, it just always seemed to nag at him, till he overflowed. Even the things you love can be stressful. Usually, he never got this bad, holding onto the stress and then letting it out on a song for something, but recently he hadn’t found time to work on his solos. Busy with schedules. 

That’s probably the same reason Yoongi’s bday live didn’t last very long. Yoongi didn’t seem too happy to be leaving. But he had said that they had more filmings coming up, and to look forward to new works. How much work did he really have? I just couldn’t wait for him to get home. He could kick up his feet, enjoy some good alcohol and be the little spoon if he wanted. 

Despite his wishes for me to do absolutely nothing for him. I had catered his favorite dinner to the house. A surprise for when he got home, I didn’t mind a late dinner. With his busy schedule he hadn’t found time to do more art. He enjoyed painting so I got him some art supplies for home. Tonight I knew he would just want to stay home and relax so I figured dinner from home and maybe a movie didn’t sound too bad. The boys had already greeted him separately from their busy schedules and now it was my turn. Waiting, waiting. 

The day went by slowly. My worries were rapidly taking over my mind, however, I tried to assure myself that he was just busy. He’ll come home and the rest of the night will be okay. 

Except he didn’t. It was nine and he wasn’t home. No answer to any of my calls or texts. I tried to not spam him too much, but knowing that he normally always answers, I was beginning to stress. 

“I’m sorry for calling, I just am really worried about him.” I bite into the skin of my finger, tapping my foot on the floor. In front of me, the dinner sits. Cold now. 

“No it’s okay, maybe he just fell asleep in the studio.” Namjoon hums through the other side of the phone. I let out a strained chuckle. That would be such a relief. Worked himself so hard he just took a nap. Namjoon is always the right person to call in these situations. He doesn’t sound as worried. He knows Yoongi a bit better than I. Maybe I should be less worried too. “Mhm, he’s not here. I’ll give him a call, but maybe he just left and is on his way home. Maybe his phone died.” Namjoon’s explanations were perfectly rational. But that didn’t change the fact that I was worried. 

“Okay…” I tried to hide my tone, “I’ll let you know when he gets home.”

“Yup, and I’ll let you know if I hear from him before that.”

I sighed, “Thank you.” We said our goodbyes and hung up. Now all that was left to do was wait. But each moment was an itch in the back of my head. Something must have happened. Why else would he not respond? Why would he just disappear like that? What if there had been an accident? What if he got into an accident on the way home. There were so many possibilities. What if he got mugged. Oh god, I was starting to sound ridiculous. But maybe there had been a car accident… no. 

Not allowing myself to continue thinking like that I packed up the food into containers. He can take it tomorrow for lunch. I’m not hungry anymore anyway. After I packed up the food I tidied up around the house, distracting myself with anything. The house was already clean but double-cleaning isn’t bad. He still wasn’t home after everything was cleaned up. I took to the couch, watching the door with a frown. No texts from him, and no texts from Joon. 

Constant fidgeting. What was I supposed to do? Glancing at the phone, I see that it’s now ten pm. Something was not right. With nothing else to do. I called his number again. 

It rang, no answer. It went to voicemail. “Yoongi where are you?” It was only the same exact thing I had been leaving in his messages before. It’s just that I knew he was having a rough time and I didn’t want to guilt-trip him. At this point though… “You’re worrying me and the others. Please just let us know you’re okay.” 

I hung up, wondering if he was even receiving them. Damnit. I threw my phone over on the side, it was only making it worse. Maybe I could just go to sleep? But then if something was really wrong… What if I wasn’t there when he needed me? What if...

With the click of the door opening and closing slowly I flipped my head down the hall. I swallowed, stunned at the sight of Yoongi. Who else would it be?

He was hunched over, hood over his head. A shadowed form in the single yellow light of the hall. My body found itself immediately at his side, scanning over him for any sign of injuries. What had happened? Why was he gone so long? Except I didn’t really know how to start the conversation with him. He just stood there, dropping his bag off by the door, sliding off his shoes. Silent. 

“Yoongi…” There was something. Something keeping him from talking to me. Something keeping me from really talking to him. It just felt wrong to ask. Because I already knew. Knew that he was struggling. I often tried to get him to open up to me. But he always did it in his own time. Over the course of our relationship, I had learned to let him come to me when he was ready. 

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, and I barely heard him, his face hidden away under a cap. 

I shook my head trying to lift his chin to me, but he didn’t budge. “Yoongi why didn’t you answer my calls?” I bit my lip, obviously, he didn’t want to talk that’s why.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice trembling. “I…” his hands clenched at the zipper of his coat. My mind was spinning. I didn’t know what to say to him. I wanted to be careful. I didn’t know where to start. 

“It’s okay…” I hummed, thinking. “What happened?” 

He swallowed, still not looking up at me, head hanging low. His thumb traced over the corner of the zipper sow. No response. Okay. That’s okay. My hand reached, outstretched, and offered for him to take it. 

His hand trembling, tentatively took hold of it. It was cold. It was cold outside after all. “Are you hurt?” Internally I rolled my eyes. Of course, he was hurt. Just wanted to make sure it wasn’t a physical injury. He shook his head. “Okay.” I smiled a little, squeezing his hand softly. 

“Kei…” He sighed, unable to say anything more than my name. 

Although he wasn’t giving me much to respond to I wanted to assure him that it would all be okay. That he would be okay. “It’s okay…” I repeated, pulling him by his hand into an embrace. He didn’t put up any fight, his weight falling over my shoulders as I pulled him close. “You can…” My sentence was immediately cut short by the muffled sound of his sobs into the fabric at my collarbone. My heart instantly broke. His soft sobs heightening to weeping, his arms squeezing me closer and closer. His fingers clung to my back, my shirt soon soaked. 

I too held him closer, rubbing softly at his nape. He didn’t let up, it was likely that he needed it. It had been coming a long time. But I wish he knew that it was okay to have come to me before. I was always here for him, and so were the others. 

Something had released in him, and even after the sobs turned into lone tears he hadn’t moved from my shoulder. And although my feet were beginning to ache from standing there for so long, I didn’t mind staying there for him. 

“Kei I’m so sorry.” He eventually whispered, his breaths still evening out. 

“Yoongi it’s okay.” I pressed against his cheek to lift his face up to where I could see. “What happened?” My eyes stayed softened, hoping that he knew I wasn’t mad. Why would I be? I was just worried. So I told him just that. “I was just worried about you, but you’re safe here.”

He sniffled, rubbing his fingers against his dampened eyes, lashes clinging together. “I just…” His face contorted once more and he shook his head. I remained, holding his hand and soothing the words out. “I had an awful day.” He shrugged, almost giving a halfhearted laugh. “I thought maybe because it was my birthday I could ignore the pent-up shit.” He shook his head clearing his throat. 

I nodded to show I was listening. He continued, “I thought that vlive would help.” He frowned, “and it did, but I was so busy I couldn’t stay on long, and…” he was starting to ramble. “And then after work, I just wanted to think for a little bit I had my phone shut off and it only made it worse. And then I realized that you were waiting for me and I felt like such a dick.” For the first time that night, he made eye contact, tears dripping down his cheeks. “And I really was a dick.” He cried, pulling me back into his arms. 

“Yoongi…” “I love you.” He squeezed tighter. “I’m sorry.” 

“Yoongi babe, seriously I know.” I kissed his neck where I was able to reach. “You don’t have to apologize. I just want you to tell me these things before you disappear. Yeah?” He nodded. “I want you to be safe…” it sounded silly, after all, he wasn’t a child. But bad things can happen to anyone. 

He hummed in response keeping me in his clutches, “Can we stay like this?” He asked quietly, and I nodded, taking a deep breath. 

“You must be tired though Yoons,” I pushed him off softly, “Why don’t we go to bed?” He took a shaky breath and nodded in agreement. He slid his jacket off and set it aside. I wanted to ask him more questions but I didn't want to pry. But had he cried while he was driving? I hoped not, hoped he hadn’t been alone either. 

We walked back together, me picking up my phone on the way back. I texted Joon, knowing that by now he’d probably be worried too. Yoongi looks around, “You didn’t do anything for me right?” He seemed to be more worried that he had missed it rather than him not wanting anything. 

I shrugged, “Dinner, but you can have it tomorrow.” He frowned as we left the living room and into the bedroom. “Do you want to open your gift now?” I whisper, looking at the box wrapped up. There were oil paints and special brushes. I remembered he wanted to experiment with them. 

“Mhm, yeah.” He sits on the edge of the bed, taking off his cap, hair falling over his forehead. His eyes were swollen, maybe I could get him a cold spoon. 

He took the box gently, sliding the silver ribbon away, and picking up the lid. I couldn’t help but smile, as he looked down on the tubes. 

His lip twitched, and he set the box to the side, holding out his hand to mine. He kept his eyes on the ground as he pulled me in by my hand, hugging me close all over again. “Thank you.” 

I pet the top of his head, with a soft smile, “Do you like them?” 

He shook his head into my neck. “Of course I do.” His breath was hot on my skin, and his body shook into another bout of tears. Pursing my lips, I leaned into him. 

Lightly teasing, “Well who would have thought paint could move you to tears.” I kissed the top of his head, and he continued crying. I knew he didn’t let it all out by the door. I was stuck standing again, caressing his back, soothing him until he calmed once more. 

“I love you.” He sighed, burying his face into his hands. 

My fingers brushed his hair back. “I love you too.” I finally sat down next to him, both of us lying back onto the bed. My eyes found his and my thumb brushed his cheek. “You can tell me all about it.” I wipe away a stray tear, “Or not, whatever you feel comfortable.” 

He let out a hum, pulling me into his chest, much warmer now after all the previous embraces. “Okay.”

Like this? This is a drabble from my A Year of Fics with Han series found here

[alxxkim]

December 2

I’m currently listening to Overwhelming while eating candy corn Jin got me for my bday (so its been a month and yet) and I feel like I have a lot to say that I don’t have someone to tell to all in one sitting so here it goes. A few weeks ago I decided to stay at Biola for the spring but now I am having second thoughts. I am WAY happier at school away from my family/house and the thought of living at home 24/7 aka how summer was aka hell makes me actually want to kill myself. I really hope that there’s a chance Karina and I both go to Fullerton so we can have a place together.  It sounds so fantastical but also just imagining how amazing my life would be is just all I am looking forward to. I think that I am going to end up enrolling late and not get any classes I want because people have already signed up for classes and most are full lo l but yeah. I am suffering from writer’s block. I tried writing tonight and I actually started crying as I was singing but it just didn’t feel right. I really want to write songs that I can 100% sing-cry to and make it feel so right. I just haven’t found it yet.I wonder how Jon Bellion wrote these songs haha. His lyrics are just so fucking wholesome and relevant to so many aspects of my life. Listening to him tho makes me feel so fucking confused cause the first time I saw him, I was “happy” and brown haired and dating John and the last time I saw him in September I was black haired, single, and broken. I still am those three things. Work has taken over my life again.  I am scheduled Friday-Sunday for the next 2 weeks and as $$ as that made me think I was be, honestly it just doesn’t feel worth it right now. Granted, when I get paid, I will probably feel otherwise.  I’ve been telling myself and others that I am okay with things with John. I honestly can’t fucking tell what I am.  I obviously miss him. I am doing fine without him, I will keep doing fine without him, but I miss having that person. I guess it’s slowly transitioning to the point where you miss the feelings and not the actual person. But just typing that made me realize how false that is. I miss John a lot. He was so funny and caring and loved me so much. I honestly think I can now realize that he loved me just as much as I loved him. And I loved him so fucking much. Just being next to him made everything okay.  The night my mom found an empty cartridge in my room and messaged me about it asking and I thought I was done for, and all I did was just cry, John was just there and as terrified as I was, I was okay because of him.  I think its because its December and the holidays are coming and last winter was probably one of the best parts of my life so far. My 6 week winter break was full of shabu, Fiona, my new polaroid, and just freedom. I was so happy I had Sen Nick and Tyler. I was so happy I had my friends at home. Everything was just so nice. And I had the plan to go to slo with Faith before break ended, and it was just so nice. I miss that feeling of being so excited to see John again. As hard and fucking unfair the distance was being with him obviously made it worth it.  I wish I realized how unhappy John was.  But there’s nothing I could’ve done.  And I need to accept that so that I can stop hating myself for not being better.  Maybe I need to take the next semester off.  Maybe I just need to find new things I could enjoy. I don’t think I want to go to Disneyland next week with my family. My sister isn’t talking to me again. I feel like the family is broken again but its just with me. I’m slowly turning back into the person I was during the summer. There are so many people in my past that I want to rekindle things with and just fucking get a meal to catch up, but I can never do that. I don’t want to talk about John I don’t want to talk about how unhappy and depressed I am.  But I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay. I feel like deleting all social media again. Looking on insta after shifts is just shit because I just feel this urge to fucking post but i have nothing to post because I spent my night inside working. Last night was really fun though. I got off work at around 11 I think and came home and showered and was just going to be on my phone for hours till I was okay enough to sleep. I knew Shin wanted to fuck haha but I told him that I felt like shit so he called me and asked what was up and why I’m depressed.  He actually listened even though I was barely telling him everything because then he would probably think I’m insane if he doesn’t already but yeah he told me to just focus on things I love and that it really helps. It’s so admirable how much he loves working out and playing basketball. But yeah we talked for nearly an hour until he decided to get me and I came outside when he said he was here and as I walked out i noticed he was outside walking to me and he gave me a hug and we drove behind Target and sat there for maybe like 30 min just talking and listening to jbel and the script LOL HE SANG THIS ONE SONG SO FUCKING LOUD he said hes never sung that loudly in front of anyone before hahaha i wish i knew what song it was but i will cause he plays it daily. i just hate asking so im gonna have to snake a peek at his phone the next time it plays. my toes were rlly cold and so he started warming my right foot with his hands and blew air into them a lot haha it was so cute and he gave me a dank ass fucking foot massage holy shit. it hurt like a bitch but in the best way possible. my feet/ankles are always so fucked when i work. so it was especially dank. I also didn’t wear makeup and he said I look better without makeup haha i was like ooooooooooooooooooooook but rlly yeah i was happy he said that especially because I’ve been wearing makeup daily because I just hate myself without it. But that day I had a bare face and actually felt okay. He kissed me and he kept saying how he loves kissing me so much. Omg and we made out to jon b like im sorry but it was fucking amazing. ok we also fucked to him too HAHAHAHA  And then kevin told us to cruise outside cydni’s house cause him paul and esther were smoking so we went and as we pulled up, paul looked at us through his open window and we both laughed in the same explosive way HAHAHAHAH and they told us to shut the fuck up jk they just sushed us ahahahah omfg. it was just too gold. i really don’t want to ever smoke in front of shin again but yeah I couldn’t just say no to weed haha so we hit a piece which burned the shit out of my throat and I was pretty faded I guess and shin kept coughing cause we werent hotboxing the car but it was still potent and i felt bad :( and he was like IS SECONDHAND FADED A THING hahahaha and esther had her juul so i hit that and then we left the car to smoke and i smoked a stoog. oh yeah so immediately after we got out of the car to walk to their car in the beginning, we were just standing outside their car as they were sitting inside and shin like immediately took off his jacket (the warm flannel we got at pacsun whom he loves) and gave it to me even tho he was wearing a tshirt and shorts ugh. i took it off before smoking cause i didn’t want it to  smell so he put it back on and he was like “you can wear it once youre done smoking” haha. and he offered to give it back on the way back to his car but i said i was ok. then on the drive to my house i stuck my body out the window to vent out the smell LOL and it was cold as fuck but felt cool esp with shin’s crazy ass driving hahahahah and i was like i wish you had a sunroof and he was like “yeah thats my bad” and i was like NO BITCH IM NOT TRYING TO COMPLAIN ITS NOT UR BAD I MJSUT SAYING lol and shin has told me how much he hates smoking and the extent of it and how its so unattractive to kiss someone whos smoked so im like welp but as i was getting out of the car he was like yeah fuck u u smell i aint kissing you and i made a pout as i was getting out and he was like no wait and he kissed my cheek hehe. and before that he asked if i was feeling better and i said yes and thanked him and he said yeah of course anytime in a tone like ofc bitch. haha i love when he kisses my head T^T but yeah i came home around 4:40 or however long it took to get to my house and I was happy and hickey’d up and i was just so happy we ended up doing that. 

i slept right before 7am and woke up like 11 so yeah i barely slept which is probably why i felt so off today. but i just stayed in bed till my hair cut which was at 2 and kathy was so shocked to see i cut my bangs LOL going on and on about how i never wanted bangs and then i do it and i WISH I DID NOT TRIM THEM LAST WEEK CAUSE THEYRE SO SHORT NOW CAUSE THEY WERE SO UNEVEN AND I LOWKEY HATE MY HAIR AND I WISH I DIDNT GET IT CUT SHORT UGH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE but im gonna work with it and we’ll see.  I wanna change my hair color again but idk what to change it to.  Then i went to emily’s and we picked up at unity and smoked and caught up and she was doing her interior design homework and i had to leave cause of work which sucked cause i just wanted to actually hang out but i covered shin’s shift today cause he spent all day studying so im glad i got to help him out and if it were anyone else’s shift i would’ve hated myself lol. but he didn’t call me until like 1 or something but i knew he would call eventually and he said he wanted to finish his work early so we could’ve hung out but he has way too much and so we just talked but i could barely talk cause my bitchass sister always fucking goes off about how inconsiderate i am so yeah lmao but yeah and i told him i got off work early to which he said he knew cause i got home around 11 and i ate and he calculated it and theres no way i couldve eaten after getting off at 10:30 and got home HAHAH like he cared enough to think about that.... and then i told him i have work tomorrow 11:30-5 and he said then maybe he’ll come bring me boba 

i dont expect him to but maybe he will im so fucking over work

i cant believe its already sunday tomorrow and i have to go back to school for chapel i think.  fucking kill me. i just want to have free time