#(let's just say losing two close grandparents on opposite sides of the family in the span of not even five years is HARD)

[fuckyeahkagepro]

some Kagepro 'fan': BUT NO ONE WANTS THIS---------

ppl who have actually stuck with the series this entire time for reasons as simple as 'I enjoy Jin's music' or 'I enjoy Jin's way of expressing himself through said music' or 'I enjoy Sidu's PVs/art/animation' or 'I enjoy trying to solve the mysteries Jin laid throughout the plot SINCE THE BEGINNING as he stated multiple times over the years' or 'I want certain characters to get more screentime [and Jin's already mentioned some of these certain characters will appear more because he couldn't write those things before]' or 'I want that other random plot point at least partly resolved in canon or at the very least even REFERRED TO again' or 'I just love the characters' or 'I ACTUALLY AM INTERESTED in what sort of side stories Jin may come up with' among a MULTITUDE OF OTHER REASONS someone may have to still enjoy Kagepro, probably:

[wsgeon]

hey everyone! ummm this is peyton (also the mun of lee hyeon) taking a second shot at a second character — i have a lot of muse for this one, so i swear he’ll be around for a while… 🥵 this is ryu geon, yes his name rhymes with hyeon’s & no i do not care ♥️ he’s the lead guitarist/vocalist of meta and also the son of a former nobody rockstar, but i’ll get into all that below! like this post if you’d like for me to come into your ims to plot, click the read more for more info on geon, and/or click here to be taken to his pages: CAREER, DOSSIER, PINTEREST.

HISTORY.

born in autumn ‘97 to a “budding rockstar” (translation: “no yeah i swear our band’s really starting to take off, we sold twenty-three tickets to our last show!”) & a woman with commitment issues ♥️ geon’s dad always told him that his mom left because she had some dire matters that needed to be taken care of and SWORE that she cried the last time she held her dear baby boy, but all of his dad’s bandmates say that she was just some groupie and had to be persuaded into carrying her child to term… who can say for sure?

naturally, there are no pictures of this mystery woman. there was one (1) of her holding infant geon, but then he found out that that was actually a sound tech who worked for his dad’s band… and he just never corrected geon’s assumptions LOLLLL

anyway! he was always really close to his dad, considering they were a two-person family. he has a set of grandparents, an aunt and a couple cousins but they were never involved with geon’s life because his dad is the #blacksheep of the family. geon and his dad against the world, am i right?

uhhh geon was also kind of a black sheep growing up, but he didn’t really notice? he was a happy kid, very energetic and enthusiastic. a lot of adults in the area looked down on him & his dad, but he was SOOOO blind to it because his dad’s a god in his eyes and HE’S always been nice to everyone, so why would they not like him??? because his clothes smelled a little like dad’s cigarette smoke??? big deal

wasn’t troublesome (beyond talking too much), but a lot of people still expected bad things from him :/ “his father’s a dirtbag, i’ll be surprised if that boy doesn’t end up in jail by 20”, “he won’t amount to anything without a proper role model in his life”, “his dad is teaching him how to slack off”, “he won’t contribute anything to society”, etc. he kindaaa picked up on this as he got older but pretended not to because it was more rewarding to play dumb and keep being a good kid(tm) to prove them wrong

was basically a mini version of his dad. same style, similar features, birthmarks in the same places, same “live today, die tomorrow” approach in life, same affinity for singing & playing rock music. ummm he loved his dad a lot. a lot. a lot. wanted to make him proud SO BAD, started his first band when he was 15 and they sucked so bad but his dad was their biggest fan… you know how it is. a lot of people misunderstood him, but he was a very good guy and such a great parent

TW DEATH unfortunately he passed away just shy of geon’s 18th birthday and your boy still hasn’t forgiven the world for taking his dad when he was in the middle of his angsty teen phase — had he known that their time together was dwindling, he would’ve been so so so much better to him END TW

his dad’s band actually rocketed into the charts after he passed & suddenly they were getting loads of publicity, lots of “what a shame that he went under-appreciated” which pissed geon off SOOOO bad because why couldn’t they have had that energy when he was still alive? he’s still mad about it five/six years later

this is getting kinda long, so uhhh tl;dr, he ended up staying with the drummer of his dad’s band until he was old enough to live alone/READY to live alone, but he changed quite a bit. was really going through it, quit his band, stopped putting effort into school. barely graduated. went from being a social butterfly spending every weekend at a gig or with friends to spending all of his time on a pc or in front of a tv, playing console games. the internet comforted him when nobody else would/could and then he met the future members of meta <33333333 #newbeginnings

present day geon is still struggling, has to go to counseling bi-weekly but he’s coming back out of his shell! he wants to fall in love with life again, just wants to tread carefully... outgoing & will talk to absolutely anyone, but he still spends most of his time alone. hard to reach by text, so if you wanna talk to him, you better call/facetime LMAO. talks a mile a minute, especially if you get him going abt something he really likes. laughs a lot, smiles a lot, more habitual than actual signs of happiness but yk. ummm he has a really loud voice, mostly controlled nowadays but he still gets carried away sometimes. an absolute menace during long drives/flights, sorry meta.

funny but only when he’s in large groups. feeds off of other peoples’ energy, really good at reading a room and breaking the ice/making everyone comfortable, but if you meet him 1-on-1, none of his jokes land quite the same.

i envision him as being the kind of guy who carries himself in such a way that you’d assume he’s really popular/out of reach/maybe even full of himself, but he’s... not like that... at all... in fact, he’s kinda irritating when you get to know him. the personification of a flood followed by a drought and vice versa, always either too much or not enough. gets used/ghosted/dropped/dumped/whatever a lot because he’s soooo fun in the moment (if he isn’t in his feelings), but draining long-term.

really emotionally intelligent, in touch with his feelings in a way that a lot of people never thought he would be (probably thanks to counseling tbh). he’s very very rarely the type of person who will make you wonder what your place in his life is — he’s communicative, kind, honest. ummm he thinks that intimacy between friends needs to be more common, so he’s really affectionate with the people in his life. type of guy to tell you he loves you every chance he gets (calling you when he’s drunk, sounding like a clingy ex type beat) & greet you/depart with a hug. losing his dad kinda fucked him up in the way that he won’t leave/hang up until his friends say “i love you” back, gets kinda (re: very) upset if he’s denied that and/or a hug.

TRIVIA.

has been playing the guitar “longer than he’s been walking” (not really, but he swears it’s true).

uhhh he really likes nail art, but he’s kinda hesitant in what he tries? mainly sticks to black polish (or other plain colors), but sometimes he’ll get little designs added in as well. mainly does it himself because he still doesn’t feel comfortable in salons... if his work looks bad, leave him alone <3 he’s trying

inspired by people like kurt cobain, nicky wire, yungblud, billie joe armstrong & damiano david in the fact that he’s not against wearing dresses or skirts on stage. doesn’t do it ALL the time, but often enough that it doesn’t go unnoticed. some people say that he does it for attention because he doesn’t dress like that elsewhere and tbh they’re probably kinda right

interested in history (only SOME... dinosaurs, ancient civilizations, specialized areas like the history of circuses/clowns/skateboarding/punk, stuff like that yk), stand-up comedy & documentaries. could spend a whole day watching documentaries and would say he had fun, has a lot of useless knowledge that nobody gives a fuck about and is kinda dumb when it comes to things that matter

when it comes to music, he prefers playing really fast and heavy rock or punk over anything else, but he actually listens to a lot more soft indie on his own time... he’s too tense these days to be listening to anything else RIPPP

the vibe: homemade tie-dye, ripped slipknot t-shirts, frosted tips, neon crocs with alien & peace-sign charms, chipped black nail polish, calloused hands, cheesy pick-up lines used NOT to land a date but to pull a smile, driving until he’s lost, stupid socks paired with pressed suits, dramatic poetry in an iphone note, etc. 

PLOT IDEAS.

people he met through online support groups about coping with grief

uhhh an on & off relationship that’s been going for who-knows-how-long. the reason for this is up for discussion, but i imagine that he hasn’t given up yet because the constant highs and lows are a good source of inspo 🤪 artists must suffer for their art!

opposite side of the coin — someone he’s interested in, but he’s NOT disloyal so it’s a pattern of persistent courting when he’s single vs intense friend-zoning when he’s not and they’re getting tired of trying to figure out what he wants from them

someone else who likes nail art & can convince him that NOBODY cares if he goes to a salon

someone (probably female but doesn’t really matter tbh) who feels like his feminism is entirely performative… maybe they attack him directly for it or maybe they just REALLY don’t like him and they’re super vague about it idk. either way, please tell him that activism is much more than recommending one female artist a year and saying “clothes have no gender 🤪” so he can be praised for the bare minimum (his heart is in the right place but his skull is empty)

someone super introverted who comes out of their shell with geon! uhhh maybe they think that he’s the one doing them a favor, but in reality spending time with them has been doing wonders for his mental health

other people who like to skate. let’s congregate at the local skatepark and scare the middle schoolers away

someone who inspires him musically, for whatever reason. lots of late nights in studios, idly strumming his guitar and writing lyrics that definitely aren’t about how their eyes look in these dim lights… umm maybe he thinks he has a crush on them but really doesn’t and ends up hurting them eventually, maybe he really DOES have a crush but will (probably) never do anything abt it or maybe it’s entirely platonic and he just admires them a ridiculous amount

someone who likes to make music as a hobby, prob won’t publish/release any of it but it’s fun to imagine. spontaneous meetings with geon in the middle of the night, recording songs together and keeping the WORST takes for the laughs. there’s probably a diss-track of them going in on each other floating around somewhere even though geon can’t rap for shit

night owls who keep him company on the phone, even if they can’t be there physically. them talking really quietly vs geon shouting at them while he plays games LMAO

gaming buddies. come over, maybe you can carry geon through his game of the week or you can both fail but have fun while you’re at it… or you can scream while he fends off that hoard of zombies behind you

i’m typing this at the last minute (literally) so i’m gonna stop here, but i will get a proper plots page put up asap with a wider variety of connections!!! but as always, please do let me know if you have any other ideas. i’m always happy to plot and write with you all 🌚

[mickeymouse-moshpit]

street lights, people

A/N: In the biker AU I learned about through the amazing @maybege‘s Biker!Paz and Biker!Boba upcoming stories, I created a pediatrician!reader who falls in love (eventually, I’m talking a few parts here) with Biker!Fennec Shand. I use as much gender neutral language as possible, but reader is AFAB and uses she/they pronouns. Also hi, May! it’s me that anon who dropped by a couple times. I hope you all enjoy this, I'm sorry there isn’t more Fennec/peds!reader interaction, but I will have more in the future I promise!

P.s: let’s all suspend our disbelief when it comes to the judge doing strange things, had to have conflict somewhere

Summary: When the local pediatrician has to go to a hearing for one of her patients, she stumbles across Fennec Shand, the head of the local chapter of Bikers Against Child Abuse (BACA). 

Rating: T for now, E in the future (possibly) 

Warnings: References to past child abuse, domestic violence, NO descriptions of the actual acts

Chapter One: January 8th

“Okay, Seb. You look good, I don’t see any reason why you can’t go back to school on Monday.”

“Really, Doc? I can’t even stay out one more week?”

“Sorry, bud. I know another week of winter break would be nice, but you gotta go back to the real world. Sucks, but I got told nope too when I asked for Monday off.”

“Fiiiiiine I’ll go back.”

“Good, good. Mom, how are we feeling today?”

“Much better, things have been stable at home but I’m nervous that something is going to happen tonight.”

“Do you have BACA’s contact? If not, I can get Max to give it to you when you check out. They can swing by tonight after the hearing to make sure nothing happens to you and Seb.”

“Oh, I didn’t think of that. Do you think they would mind?”

“From what I’ve seen, they won’t mind at all. When I was in residency, there was a kiddo that the chapter there took day and night shifts for three weeks while the father was out on bail while the trial happened. If a kid needs it, they’ll make it happen.”

“Thank you, for everything. Will we see you this afternoon?”

“For sure, I’ve got to get all my notes signed then I’ll be heading over there.”

“Doc, will you sit with me after you’re finished?”

“Of course, Seb. Do you want me to bring anything with me?”

“Do you have any of those peanut butter cookies?”

“Seb! She’s a busy person!”

“It’s okay, and yes I do. I made them last night just in case you might want some today.” You smiled at him and he beamed back. “Okay you two, head on out and Max will take care of you. I’ll see you over there.”

Seb bounced out of the room, his mom following behind them.

You shook your head and headed out of the exam room and into your office, closing the door behind you. You unlocked your computer and pulled up his chart, finished typing up the note you had started that morning before he arrived. You read and reread the note, making sure it was as accurate and representative of Seb’s course since discharge from the hospital as you could make it without having seen him every day. Finally satisfied, you signed it and called CPS to make sure they knew it was done.

You leaned back in the black leather chair, pondering how much of your credibility you would lose if you showed up in the Winnie the Pooh dress you had worn because of the proportion of toddlers on the schedule that morning. You sighed and pushed yourself up and toward the hook on the door to your office and pulled down the suit that lived there. It was plain black but tailored perfectly. You cut an imposing picture when you paired it with the sharp white button down and simple black pumps that you wore when you needed a confidence boost. You slid the pants on, and ditched the dress before buttoning up the shirt and tucking it in. You put the jacket on, then your boots. The pumps would have to wait until you got to the courthouse, seeing as they were currently sitting on the passenger seat of your car. You gathered your things and made sure the computer was locked again before clicking off the lights and shutting the door behind you.

You stopped at the front desk where Max handed you the sealed manilla envelope that held the morning’s note before they went to lunch. You grabbed your overcoat, the soft wool soothing under your fingertips as you put it on over your suit. It had started to snow while you were in clinic, coating everything with fresh white powder. You would be more excited about it if you weren’t about to go have a hand in deciding a young kid’s fate. You shivered as you turned on the seat warmer and let the car warm up while you plugged your phone in and got your seatbelt on. You pulled out of the spot and onto the highway.

***

You sat for a moment more, closing your eyes and taking a few deep breaths, counting in and out. Satisfied, you made sure the document was in your briefcase before putting on your dress shoes and getting out. You stepped carefully, not wanting to show up wet and shivering from the snow. You smiled when you saw the few bikes parked outside the courthouse. You knew BACA had been working with Seb and his family as long as you knew him, but this was the first time you had been to the courthouse for a hearing.

You almost made it inside but skidded on a small patch of ice a few feet from the door. You would have fallen, but a couple of strong arms grabbed and steadied you.

“Whoa, there! I would ask where the non-skid footwear is but the more important thing, are you okay?”

You looked at the woman who had caught you, struck dumb for a moment. She was wearing a leather jacket with a charcoal grey wool sweater underneath. Her hair was pulled into a braid that disappeared down her back and she was wearing a smirk that made you blush.

“Sorry about that. I almost made it too, ugh! Yeah, I’m fine. I remembered too late that my boots don’t fit in my briefcase so had to risk it. Thanks for saving me.”

She kept one hand on your midback as you walked through the door.

“It’s no problem, just maybe wear the boots next time.” She let you go as you got past the mats that kept the floors from being too slippery. You nodded in response and walked to the stairs that led up to the courtrooms. You steadied your breathing as you walked up the marble. You pushed the door and stepped inside, sitting just behind Seb and his mom.

***

“… and plan for follow up in four weeks, or sooner if needed.” You finished reading the note.

“Thank you, doctor. You may step down. We will reconvene after a fifteen-minute recess.” The judged banged the gavel once and left for their chambers.

You made it down the step in one piece and headed for the door, grabbing your briefcase as you went. You wanted a drink of water and needed to give Seb his cookies before he had to go back inside. You grabbed your briefcase and sat down on the bench with Seb. His mom was a few feet away, whispering to the lawyer and social worker on the case. She looked worried.

“How’re you feeling, kiddo?” You pulled a water bottle and the baggie of cookies out, handing them to Seb before getting out your own water.

“I’m okay, I think.” He took a sip of water. “Mom’s worried, she won’t say anything to me, but I know she is.”

“She’s your mom and doesn’t have control over this outcome. That’s enough to make anyone worry. Are you worried?”

“I don’t know, a little. This time it was really bad, and I know we’ve got plans for leaving but it just hasn’t happened yet. I think something happened, but I don’t know. I don’t want to leave.”

“It’s okay to be worried, whatever happens, you two will take it in stride. You’ve got a lot of people rooting for you.”

“Thanks, Doc. And thanks for the cookies, I know mom wasn’t happy I asked about them but I’m really glad you made them.”

“No problem, Seb.” You took the cookie he offered and savored it, wondering what the new judge was going to say. They were new to the town, new to the case. You just hoped they would be fair.

***

You walked out of the marble building with a silent Seb and mom beside you. 30 days. They had 30 days to find a way out of that house or Seb would be sent to live with his grandparents two counties away and barred from seeing his mom until she was out of the house. You could have sworn you heard disgust when you heard the judge reference Seb’s mom. But the gavel had fallen and now there was an due date on the plan.

***

You considered yourself lucky that you had avoided any more stumbles between your car and the door of the pub. You swirled the whiskey in your glass and took a sip, savoring the flavors that washed over your tongue. You didn’t usually come here, but as you started to drive home, you found your mind running around and around the afternoon’s events and you couldn’t make them stop.

Unknown to you, Fennec was sitting in the same pub, watching you. She took a sip of the beer she had been nursing for the last thirty minutes since you walked in.

“I’m just glad she’s got her boots on,” she mumbled to Boba.

“Would you just go talk to her? You haven’t stopped staring or shut up about her since she walked in.” He was nothing if not an effective wingman.

“I don’t know, will she think I’m following her? She’s some new in town lawyer type that probably doesn’t go for that.”

“Shand, if you don’t go make a move, I’m going to go point you out to her myself.” Boba had done it before.

“Fine, fine.” She scooched out of the booth, leather jacket squeaking against the vinyl as she got up. She tugged at the sleeves as she sidled up to the opposite end from where you were.

“Another one, Fennec?”

“No, I want to buy her next round.” She nodded in your direction, wondering what it would be.

“Sure thing.” The bartender side stepped away out of Fennec’s line of sight and filled a glass with ice and club soda. He finished it with a slice of lime before setting it down in front of you.

“What’s this?” You looked up with your brow wrinkled.

“Lady with the braid over there wanted to buy your next round but I remembered what you told me last time someone wanted to do that.”

“Oh, thanks.” You looked in her direction, meeting her gaze. You gave a small wave to thank her and she disappeared into the growing crowd. You went back to your drink and finished the whiskey off. You felt a familiar hand on your midback as she sat on the stool next to yours.

“Good to see you’ve got appropriate footwear on.” There was her smirk again.

“Well, they just go so much better with a suit and slush,” you quipped at her. “I don’t make it a habit of falling into the arms of strangers, you know.”

“Oh, I’m sure, I’m just glad they were mine.” Your eyes widened ever so slightly. “And I’m also glad you accepted…whatever the hell that is. I’m Fennec by the way.”

“Inside joke with the bartender.” You winked at her before giving her your name.

“How have you been in town long enough to have inside jokes with Karga?”

“I’ve lived here two and a half years, that’s plenty of time, don’t you think?” It was her turn to wrinkle her brow. “What, didn’t think I knew what winter was or something?”

“I—I don’t know. I thought—two and a half years and you didn’t know the steps ice over?”

“First time going in the winter, usually I give my depositions in a conference room in the office building around the corner from the courthouse.”

“Dep—you’re not a lawyer?” You pressed your lips together as you suppressed a laugh. “From how you walked away from me I thought you were about to put away a murderer or something.”

“No, I’m a pediatrician. I work with CPS and do advocacy work for my kiddos in bad situations. This was the first time a judge actually wanted me to read my note into the record at a hearing, something about they wanted to make a decision today and didn’t want to wait on me.”

“Wait, you were there for Seb?” She set her hand on your forearm. “How did I not know? BACA is supposed to know all the people coming in for a case.”

“Not sure.” You took a sip of the club soda. “I didn’t even know I was going to be there until three days ago when I got a call.”

“Huh. Well, I have to say I’m glad you were there, even though the circumstances weren’t ideal.” Her thigh bumped yours and her hand came up to brush your hair out of your face. “And while I don’t think you should wear those shoes outside again, I’m happy I was there to catch you.”

“Me too.” You let out a small huff of laughter. “BACA head, yeah?”

“Yeah, just appointed a few months ago after the last guy retired.”

“I like women in powerful roles.” You held her gaze and you let your knee bump hers this time.

“Bye, Shand. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Fennec could hear Boba laughing as he strode out of the pub after clapping her on the shoulder. Wingman indeed, you were looking at your drink again.

“Hey, don’t mind him. He can be a dick sometimes, but he means well.” She rested a hand on your shoulder as you turned to face her fully. You tilted your head and you held eye contact for a moment.

“It’s okay, we’ve all got those friends, mine just happen to be working tonight.” You chanced a glance at your watch. “Which, I actually need to leave soon. I have to be at the hospital early in the morning to round or the residents will have my head. I would go tonight, but the whiskey and the afternoon in court make that a no go.”

Fennec rested a hand on your knee while she reached for a napkin and the pen you had signed the bill with. She scribbled something and folded it before tucking it into the pocket on your suit jacket.

“Text me when you get home.” She slid off the stool and pressed a kiss to your cheek. “See you around, Doc.”

[dreamescapeswriting]

No One But You ~ KTH

>>>Word Count: 1,801

>>>Genre: Fluff, Mafia AU, based on a scene from Howl’s moving castle cause you know ya girl love that film

>>> Pairing: Hacker!Taehyung x Reader

>>> A/N: This is based off the scene in Howl’s moving castle where Howl comes to Sophie when the two men are talking to her, I really love the film so I just had to write something based off it. This is just a random drabble I wrote while I was laid up in bed sick. 

You were starting your slow walk home from work, you knew the way like the back of your hand but it didn't make it any easier to be walking that way at night. The part of Seoul was known for being dangerous, especially for younger women who would be alone after a night shift.

"Are you sure you don't want me to drive you?" Your co-worker asked as she locked the door to the bar you shook your head.

"It's not in your direction, I'll be fine. I have my pocket knife." She hugged you goodbye and watched you leaving down the dark alleyway in the direction of your apartment. She hated that you insisted on walking home but she couldn't exactly force you to get into her car with her.

"I'll see tomorrow night." You called out before disappearing around a corner and keeping your head down, you pulled the hood of your hoodie over your head and kept your head down while you walked not wanting to drawer any unwanted attention to yourself. It had been a long night at the bar and all you wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed but the walk was twenty minutes long.

Taehyung was taking his walk home after a long day too, he'd been sat behind a desk all day trying to hack into something for Namjoon and his head was a mess. He wanted to walk home instead of taking the usual care to take a break and get some fresh air into his system. Not only had he been hacking all day he'd had to listen to Jimin talk about the last girl he was with for the last four hours until he finally had enough and walked out. He didn't care about who Jimin was fooling around with now as long as it didn't come back around to him again. The last one he was with he had to hack into their social media accounts, phones and all the unnecessary stuff to delete information Jimin shouldn't have been giving out in the first place,

"Hey hot stuff, you alone?" Taehyung looked up in front of him to see you standing in front of two men who were eyeing you up hungrily, normally Taehyung would walk right on by but there was something about this that was making him uneasy.

"I think you should let me escort you home, it's not easy for someone like you to be alone out here." The taller one of the men said to you, putting his arm on the wall to stop you from passing through.

"I'm fine, but thank you." Taehyung stayed in the shadows waiting to see what would happen next, plenty of bad things happened in Seoul, he should know since he worked for one of the biggest Mafia Families in Seoul. They practically ran the place so he knew what happened on the daily,

"But you're so sweet and innocent, let me walk you home baby." You tried to move again but the second man put his hand on your waist, that was it. Taehyung came out and stood beside you wrapping his arm around your shoulder he felt your whole body tense at the fact that three men were now surrounding you,

"I'm sorry it took me so long, who are your friends darling?" You looked up at Taehyung and you knew who he was, you'd seen his photo in the papers in the Bangtan Sonyeondan side of it he was the main hacker for them.

"We were just talking about walking your girlfriend home, isn't that right baby? You've been teasing us all night." They lied, they obviously didn't know who Taehyung was or they simply didn't care that he could ruin them within a matter of seconds. The first man's hand left the wall and took your hand in his,

"I suggest you leave her hand alone before you lose it," Taehyung warned in a deep growly voice making the man back off instantly and then hold his hands up defeat and let you both pass by without any trouble. Taehyung took your hand in his and continued your slow walk home,

"I'll take you home, but they're following so stay close to me." You hummed in agreement and kept as close to him as you could get, you lead the way and he followed still holding your hand. The silence was killing you,

"I'm assuming you know who I am?" He whispered as you came out of the dark alley and onto the main road,

"Yes, Are they still following us?" You questioned trying not to look behind you, Taehyung looked for you.

"They are, I'll text someone." He took out his phone with his spare hand and began texting Yoongi to come and take care of them for him so he didn't have to get his hands dirty.

"You're going to kill them?" You questioned as you crossed the road in the direction of your apartment,

"I am." He mumbled coldly walking alongside you and looking around at the streets, he hadn't been this far in Seoul in a while and he remembered why they'd moved to the richer side. A lot less trouble there then there was here,

"Do you live much further?" You pointed up at the main apartment building and he shook his head,

"No. No way in hell," He grumbled turning you back around and heading in another direction,

"Excuse me, where are you taking me?" You questioned as he continued to walk you in the opposite direction of your apartment and the opposite way of where you had come from. Taehyung wasn't about to leave you in a crummy apartment building when you'd been followed all the way home and Yoongi still hadn't responded.

"I'll take you to one of my hiding spots, you can stay there until the creeps are taking care of and maybe I'll let you keep it. That old place is falling apart." You scoffed at him as he continued to walk with you hand in hand in the direction of his place,

"Excuse me but I don't really have much of a choose Mr Rich kid," He chuckled at you, you were a lot braver than most people they'd come across. Usually, they'd avoid getting into confrontations if they knew who the boys were but you were daring and there was something about him that drew him into you,

"Working in that dead-end bar doesn't pay well?" He'd been researching you the moment you started walking to his place, he'd seen your name on the back of your bag.

"You shouldn't keep your name out in plain sight for just anyone to see." He smirked looking at your confused face, you looked down at your bag and shifted it to the other side of your body.

"Too late, I already know everything there is to know about you. You were the smartest in your class, why didn't you go to university?" You laughed sarcastically at him not wanting to discuss your life with some stranger and he stopped outside a giant white building which had windows covering one side of it,

"You live here?" He shook his head walking you into the building and collecting some keys,

"I store my car here, I'm not going to walk all the way out to my spare place. We'd be walking for days." You nodded, you didn't know why you were following a known psychopath into a parking garage and getting into a car with him but you somehow felt safe with him. As if nothing could go wrong as long as he was by your side and he felt the same with you,

"Seatbelt." He warned as he started up the engine.

"You alright?" He asked as you sat in front of the fireplace, you were in a cabin in the middle of nowhere and that feeling of being safe was still there but your mind was still running over everything else,

"Are you going to kill me?" He started laughing at you and then shook his head,

"No, but I'm going to offer you a job,"

"I won't kill anyone." You said quickly but he began laughing softly at you and shook his head yet again.

"Nothing like that, it's a secretary position. Better money than that stupid bar, and you'll get an apartment as an incentive to coming to work for us.

"I would just be a secretary?" He nodded and you looked over at the fireplace, you didn't have any other options really it was that or back to the dead-end job at the bar being hit on by creeps or going to work for a group of people who were just as dangerous as the part of Seoul you lived in.

"We understand that it's a lot to process but working for us would insure your safety for life, even if you decide to leave the company in the future." You looked at Taehyung who was trying to push hard for you to say yes, he wanted to protect you. He had a protective instinct over you after barely knowing you and maybe it was how Jimin felt about all the women he shared his time with or maybe it was how his grandparents felt around each other but all he knew was he never wanted that feeling to go away. He wanted to look after you for as long as he possibly could,

"I'll take it." He smiled and you don't know why the smile made you feel like you were signing a deal with the devil but at the same time, it felt comforting. It was all a mixture of emotions to you but the most overwhelming one was the way you felt when you looked into his eyes and you caught him smiling at you or just staring at you.

"Good." He whispered moving closer to you in front of the fire, you felt your heart begin to beat a little faster now he was so close to you, and his arm wrapped around your shoulder as though it was something you'd been doing for years.

"It's nice to have you onboard." He whispered bending down to your height and kissing your lips you began having a heated make-out session on the sofa until you pulled away putting your hands on his chest to keep him at a small distance.

"Do you do this with all new employees?" You questioned not wanting to get involved in this type of relationship with your new employer,

"No one but you." He whispered kissing you once again, this time your hands went into his hair and you tugged a little at the ends making him groan against your lips.

Tagline: 

@yoongisdumplingcheeks @snowy-meowl @lynnthevirgo @jooniesdarlingdimples @kpopfanfictionhoes @lyoongx @callingmyangel @fan-ati--c @mitzwinchester @rjsmochii @btsiguess-kpop 

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

the 1

Modern Day AU! Bucky Barnes x OC!Reader

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s relationship throughout the years.

Word count: 2404

Warnings: smut implied, loss of virginity implied, mention of alcohol abuse, mention of abandonment

Previous part

Series Masterlist

Age: 26

Year: 2020

Location: Brooklyn, New York

Elizabeth sat on the floor of her mostly empty childhood bedroom. She hasn't been back since Christmas, and that was almost 8 months ago. Her parents called her last month letting her know they are putting the house up for sale, deciding to move to a cottage upstate where it's much quieter.

They had asked if she wanted them to pack up her old bedroom for her, but she told them she would make the trip out to them to spare any storage space the stuff might take up, knowing that only a few special items would need to be kept.

She was sat on the floor going through old photos, the last thing she had to do before she would be done.

Photos from the time she spent here. A pile for which photos she will take back home, and a pile that her parents will keep. She was finally down to the last three photos, all flipped over on their back.

The first one scribbled in her mother's handwriting read:

Steve, Betty, & James. Halloween 2001.

She shakes her head at the nickname, she hasn't been called Betty in almost a decade. The nickname was tarnished, no longer having any special meaning.

She really should've kept it only for family.

She flipped the photo over. There was seven year-old Elizabeth, standing in between a young Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes both had their arms draped around her shoulders. All dressed up as pirates.

She smiled at the memory.

So young. So innocent. So unknowing of what the future held.

She focuses mostly on the boy to her right.

James Buchanan Barnes.

Her first friend here. Her first best friend. Her first kiss.

Her first boyfriend. Her first time having sex. Her first heartbreak.

The boy at the time she didn't know would completely change not only her life, but who she was.

Her first best friend here, she immediately thinks of their first meeting. So kind. Him insisting on teaching her how to ride a bike. Took him two weeks but he did it. That halloween was a memorable one, for both good and bad reasons.

She saw a different side of Bucky after seeing first-hand how his father behaved, due to his alcoholism.

Years later Elizabeth had learned Bucky's father's deepest secret, he had struggled with alcoholism, starting two years before her family moved across the street. It was a secret his family had kept until that Halloween weekend in 2001.

Bucky and his family had spent the weekend with Elizabeth's family, while his uncles came to take his dad away. His father went to go live with Bucky's grandmother and uncles to try and get sober. He returned home after three months, but sadly the disease was a lot stronger than that. His father was fighting a long battle that he was sadly losing.

After a grueling year his mother made the ultimate decision to divorce his father, not wanting to put herself or her children through the dangers once again. Bucky's maternal grandparents moved in to help his now single mother out, seeing as his father was no longer in the picture.

His dad would pop in from time to time never consistent with his visits, after Bucky turned 13 and Becca 10, his dad stopped coming around all together.

His father ended up meeting a woman who helped him get sober, they later on got married and started a new family of their own. Forgetting about the one he had abandoned.

The next photo was dated:

Summer of 2008.

The summer right before they started high school. That was the summer that they all reached peak puberty. Bucky and Steve shot up like weeds, while Elizabeth grew slightly in height. They no longer looked like the pre-pubescent tweens, and officially looked teenagers embarking on their first year of high school.

It was a candid photo of Bucky and Elizabeth at an end of summer party Steve had at his house.

The night of their first kiss together, and Elizabeth's first kiss in general.

It wasn't a cliche kiss that happened because a game of spin the bottle. It was a little more private than that.

Bucky and Elizabeth made their way back home on that cool summer night. The nights had just started to get cooler as the months made the transition from August to September.

"Do you think Steve knows how obvious he's making his crush on Peggy is?" Elizabeth asks breaking the silence of the walk.

"Probably not, I mean the punk is way to oblivious to notice that Peggy also has a crush on him," Bucky laughs, "Plus he's too chicken to even make a move."

"He's just shy," Elizabeth smiles, trying to defend her other best friend.

"Well he isn't going to get the girl by being shy," Bucky says.

"That's what you think," she winks at him.

"What do you know?" he asks her with an accusatory tone.

"That Peggy is going to ask him to go to the movies tomorrow night," Elizabeth recalled from her earlier conversation with Peggy, "That's why she stayed to help cleanup."

"Well then, I stand corrected," he bows his head.

"We should do that," Bucky says after a few moments of silence as they round the corner their houses now in sight.

"Help clean Steve's house?" Elizabeth asked confused.

"No, go to the movies."

"We already do that."

"I meant just us two, no Steve or Rebecca to tag along," Bucky reiterates.

"Like a date," he quietly says looking at his hands.

"Oh," it dawns on Elizabeth.

She felt a blush creep on her cheeks. The cool breeze not helping the warmth spreading throughout her face.

Elizabeth has had a crush on Bucky for as long as she can remember. She just always thought he would never see her in that light. Compared to the girls he's used to liking, she was the polar opposite. Her skin wasn't as pale as their's, she had what her mother called a "Puerto Rican" tan due to where her family lineage is originally from. Her dark curls were always everywhere, even when she had them contained. It's not like she stood out per se, they were surrounded by diversity. She just didn't look like the girls Bucky had a crush on.

"You want to go out on a date, with me?" she hesitantly asks.

"Yeah, I do," he smiles finally looking up to meet her eyes.

"Why?"

"Because I like you," he says confused why she would ask that.

"It's okay if you don't want to, I understand," he quickly says when she doesn't say anything. He goes back to looking down and kicking at invisible rocks.

"No," she says grabbing his hand, making them both stop in front of her house, "I do want that."

Bucky looks back up taken back by her response, "Really?"

"Yeah, I would love to go on a date with you," she smiled so big.

"Okay, wow. Cool," Bucky stumbles over his words, his smile matching her's.

"Tomorrow, you and I will go to the movies," he says, squeezing his hand that was still being held by her.

"Perfect."

"Perfect," he whispered staring in her eyes, he glanced down to her lips then back to her eyes.

Elizabeth noticed bucking glancing at her lips, she couldn't help herself and do the same thing.

Bucky grabbed her other hand as he slowly pulled her closer to his body. Leaning his head slightly down. Both closed their eyes and slowly met each other half way, their lips touching in a soft kiss.

What felt like hours, but was only seconds they pulled away slowly. Smiles gracing their faces.

"I'll call you tomorrow for the details," Bucky says.

"Okay. Goodnight," Elizabeth says, still holding onto Bucky's hands.

"Goodnight," Bucky smiles, letting go of her hands before jogging across the street.

Elizabeth had walked up to her porch and turned around to see Bucky turning around from his own porch. She waved and he waved back, their final goodbye for the night.

That was the perfect end to the summer before they had started high school. It was the start of something new and beautiful.

The last photo read:

Winnie and Keith's wedding. 11 Aug. 2010.

She flipped it over to see her and Bucky smiling dressed in formal attire, next to Steve and Peggy.

Bucky's mom did later remarry while they were in high school. She had met a lovely man named Keith, who loved her deeply and her children as if they were his own. He was a good man, someone Bucky really needed in his life.

The photo was taken during the reception. Bright smiles across all of their 16 year old faces.

Both couples had been dating for two years at that point and things were going great.

The smiles showcased how happy they all were. Probably had to do with what they all had planned after the wedding.

They had all convinced their parents into letting them stay at the hotel the reception was at that night, and Bucky would drive them all back home the following day. Their parents had agreed, the only rule is that the girls would stay in a room separately from the boys.

What they know wouldn't hurt them, right?

It was the night they were all planning on losing their virginity. Their hormones were racing, trying to keep it contained as to not draw attention to themselves:

After the wedding they all walked up to the floor they would be staying at. Bucky waited outside the girls' door as Elizabeth gathered her overnight bag, and Steve doing the same from the boys' room.

She walked out with her bag on her shoulder, and a smile on her face.

"Ready?" he asked, grabbing her bag from her shoulder.

"Yeah," she nodded, feeling the nerves start.

Steve walked up to them with his own bag, "See you guys in the morning," he smiled before walking into the room, closing the door behind him.

Elizabeth could remember that night clearly. She had done a lot of prep beforehand, being an overachiever she needed to know what she was getting herself into. But nothing could prepare her for what had really happened.

It was filled with a lot of stumbling, awkward touches here and there. Both new to this sex thing. She's not going to lie and said it didn't hurt, she had prepared herself for it hurting. It wasn't the best sex she's had, but it was a moment she wouldn't forget.

After they were done they were cuddled in bed, Elizabeth's head resting on Bucky's chest as he smoothly raked his fingers across her arm.

"11:11, make a wish," Elizabeth whispered, closing her eyes.

"What'd you wish for?" Bucky asked.

"How many times do I have to tell you," she said, turning her body to lean on his chest to come face to face with him, "I can't tell you what I wish for, otherwise it won't come true."

"And how many times do I have to tell you, that that's not true," he teased.

"Well, you have yet to prove me wrong," she smiled.

"Come on, just this once."

"You," she stated, feeling the blush creep on her cheeks.

"What about me?"

"I wished for you," she says, "You and I. For us to have many more moments like this."

"Well doll, your wish is my command," he joked.

"I'm serious Bucky."

"So am I," his tone getting serious, "I love you Betty. It's you and me. Forever."

"Promise?" she held up her pinky.

"Promise." he linked his with hers.

They trusted each other. They were comfortable with each other. They had loved each other. And honestly that's all that mattered.

Now as an adult she realized how important your first time was. It was important that her first time was with Bucky, because she never regretted until she had.

She had really thought Bucky was the one. They would always talk about their futures together. What college they would attend together. When they would get married. Where they would live. How many kids they would have. All of it they had planned together. A future that didn't seem like just a dream.

Sadly with every first love comes every first heartbreak.

Her grandmother once told her that the greatest loves of all time were over now.

She had thought that when her relationship with Bucky had ended.

It truly felt like the end of the world. Like any breakup at that age felt like. She had sworn she would never feel love again. Her mother, Caterina telling her to just wait and see.

Caterina didn't believe in her own mother's words about greatest loves being over, because she was experiencing her's. She promised Elizabeth that she would experience her greatest love story when the time was right.

At the time Elizabeth didn't believe her mother. How could she when her heart was aching.

But like all the times before, her mother would be right.

She looked at  the last three photos in her hands. Without a second thought she placed the Halloween photo in the take pile and the other two in the parents' pile.

A soft knock on the door frame startled her, she looked behind to find the man she has called her's for the last few years. Her greatest love.

She couldn't help the smile that came across her face whenever she would see him.

"Ready?" he asks, a smile upon his face, as he leans up against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest.

"Yeah, let me just put these back in the box for my parents," she tells him cleaning up the photos and taking the ones she kept for herself.

"Look at this one I found," she says showing him the Halloween photo.

"Oh my gosh, we were so little," he smiles and laughs lightly raising his arm for her to go under, "Gosh I was such a dork."

"Was?" she playfully jokes, wrapping her arm around his waist and snuggling into his side as they head towards the stairs in each other's arms.

"Hey you fell in love with this dork," he jokes back.

"And I wouldn't have it any other way Steve," she smiles leaning up to kiss his lips.

[qtakesams]

When Life Goes On, Go with It

Two years ago this month, I moved to Edgewater, Maryland, to complete a summer internship with the Smithsonian Environmental Research Center. SERC, as we call it, is a branch of the Smithsonian Institution that specializes in climate, coastal, terrestrial, and various other types of sciences. Their campus is an hour east of Washington, D.C. They own hundreds of acres of land, on which they house their laboratories and fields.

It was just after my sophomore year of college ended. As with many underclassmen years, mine was turbulent. I endured a drastic shift in my social circle which had, even if temporarily, left me feeling stranded on a campus I was still learning about. I’d had a rough spring semester, finding a lack of motivation to complete any assignment.

Most undergrads face that year: the one where nothing feels right, and each path feels like a dead-end. I had applied for a SERC internship on a bit of a whim. Entering college, I’d seen myself as a fiction writer and editor, planning to end up in a corporate publishing house. Sophomore had shown me I desired other things, and I applied for SERC’s science writing internship completely unsure if I’d actually like the work. What if I didn’t? What if it felt worse than the previous semester? What would I do if I couldn’t bounce back?

All of this, I decided, would be worth the risk. When I got an email from the internship’s advisor in March, offering me the position, I accepted it. The rest, as some might say, is history.

SERC is a hard place to find until you’ve visited a few times. The brown sign is easily skipped by the eyes. Coming from the west, you approach SERC on the left side of the road. Immediately, you forget that you’re technically in the suburbs, less than thirty miles from the epicenter of political heat in America. After a few turns, you arrive at the gate. When SERC is publicly open, you drive on through. When you’re an intern coming back from the bar at night, you have to swipe your ID card. You drive a few more turns, watching closely for deer, before that final right turn that drops you into the parking lot of the intern dorms and the labs.

I fell in love with SERC within days of my arrival. There were the intimidating factors of the place: fellow interns at Ivy Leagues and respected colleges, scientific labs into which the government itself funded millions, no meal plan, and the stick shift vehicle I would drive all summer. I was terrified when my mom drove away. I explored the floor of my building, admiring the kitchen, perusing the book selection. By eleven, I was in bed. I was tried from traveling, but more so, I didn’t know what to do. I’d briefly interacted with the other intern already on my floor, but I didn’t know him well enough to go say hi. There were four interns moved in below my floor, but I hadn’t seen any of them yet. I suddenly seemed wildly out of my element, though I had felt comfortable at SERC the moment I drove through the gate.

Of course, I grew happier at SERC. The happiest I’d been in years. Within weeks, I made strong friends, adjusted to my job, and began to close my GPS when driving to the store.

My work felt good. The articles I wrote and the media I created reached thousands of people, many of which gave positive comments. My words were reaching people, and the people were responding.

I was raised by a scientist, but more importantly, by well-educated, empathetic people. Loving my planet was part of the gig when I was growing up. In high school, I began to see where my privilege in this education existed. My friends at school didn’t seem to care about the things I’d be taught to care about. Water consumption, electricity, knowing the landscape on which your house is built. I knew important moments in history, and how they affected me. I had early knowledge of politics, to the point where I knew who George Bush was before his presidency ended (when I was 10). Ignorance and empathy tend to go hand-in-hand, mostly because ignorance leads to apathy. We’ve seen this cause-and-effect equation hold catastrophic, deadly consequences in 2020.

When I arrived at SERC, it didn’t slip by me that I suddenly had access to information that most people only dream about. Many of us are ignorant (I remain ignorant to 99.9% of what happens on this Earth) by circumstance, not by choice. Accessibility is one of our biggest problems of a global society attempting to function in a digital, climate change-riddled world. Sixty percent of the globe now has Internet access, but that leaves 3.08 billion people without the knowledge they need to protect themselves from the setbacks of climate change. Most of those people, as it would turn out, are terribly affected most by war, poverty, hunger, climate, social injustice, etc. These things intertwine and cause one another. Not always, but often.

My position at SERC gifted me access to science occurring in real-time. When the Pandemic would hit a year later, it would be surprising but not shocking. On a planet where politics and science are brothers, and the population is soaring too high to properly maintain, containing a spreadable virus is like trying to hold a cup of water in your bare hands. Sooner or later, it’s going to slip between the cracks and go everywhere. If it slips far enough, you’ll never find a towel strong enough to collect it all.

In March of 2020, when I moved home to isolate, I knew the rest of college was trashed. Not my degree, necessarily, but the experience of college. I would lose that experience in its normalcy, and therefore the skills which develop from that normalcy.

I did soon realize, however, that we are not always fortunate enough to do something about mass-casualties or problems. There’s not always an answer, straightforward or not. When there is one, you should grab it with both hands.

That summer of 2020, I decided I wanted to pursue a master’s degree after college. Higher education is not unknown in my family; we boast high degrees from prestigious universities. I am the opposite of a First-Generation student (one of my great-grandparents also had a master’s degree). Graduate school had already been on my mind when I started college, but I didn’t know what for. An MFA in fiction had felt the most logical to my teenage self in 2017, but by 2018, that felt out the window. What I had realized by the summer of 2020 was that, in the midst of the chaos and absurdity, was that I could in fact do something about what was going on. I can’t solve climate change, or house the homeless, or save every polar bear, or even eradicate a virus, but I can help in my own way. On some level, I can do something about the many crises. This, in itself, is “doing something”.

Science writing is a polarizing subject, of this I have been aware my entire life. Unfortunately, we’ve made science political, though politics are generally opinion (with strong empathy) and science is fact. It’s a tough, competitive field, but so is everything else. If you want to “make it” in this world, you have to willingly shed blood, tears, and probably sweat profusely. As I watched the COVID cases skyrocket simultaneously to the people I knew who cared not to stay home, I could tell something was off. People weren’t listening. If they were, it was usually to the ignorant voices on television.

I could feel my cheeks burning as I watched the Johns Hopkins map. It seemed cruel that we, as a society, could do that to ourselves. That we could allow this virus to spread and kill, but also that we had put ourselves in this position. I had already been envisioning myself as a science writer every day since my time at SERC had begun. Finally reckoning with the knowledge that not everybody is a scientist, nor cares to be one, was the icing on the cake. I couldn’t fix it all, but I could offer my help. So, I would.

When I began this blog two years ago, it was solely for abroad purposes. It was a fabulous way to let anybody who cared know what I was experiencing and how I was handling those experiences. Studying abroad, no matter how or where or how long, is difficult. Studying in general, for any length of time on any subject, is mindboggling tedious. I give kudos to my friends and family who have any advanced, foreign, or nontraditional education.

What I discovered after I began writing blog posts and sharing my thoughts is that there’s always more to the story than the words on the page. That’s why I’ve added to this blog in the year and a half since my abroad semester ended; there is always more to tell.

In a few weeks, I begin my master’s degree at Northwestern University in Chicago. My degree is in journalism, with a specialization in Science and Health reporting. I’m nervous to my core, as I am with any new adventure. I just graduated college last weekend, so my emotions are running wild. Yet, I have a feeling I’m about to finally be where I’ve wanted to be for years. I love words. I love messing with them, shaping them, using them to fit whatever project I want. I also love science. I love knowing what is happening around me, and why and how it is. Combining them already feels like a dream come true, so I’m sure the next year will feel magical.

The classes of 2020 and 2021 are probably the most resilient in history. A Pandemic, racial and social injustice, wildfires, remote learning, wifi issues. We’ve seen it all, and it’s made us stronger every day.

I think I’ve worn this blog out for this phase of life. My thoughts on what I’ve talked about here are valid and important, but they don’t exist alone. For somebody who’s pretty much been writing since she could hold a pencil, I hate journaling. I’ve tried so many times, and never succeeded, with the exception of this blog. That said, it gave me an incredibly strong, consistent manner of getting my thoughts on the page, for which I am endlessly grateful. If you’ve kept reading my thoughts and words, you should know I’m endlessly grateful for you, too.

All of this is saying that, whether you’re ready or not, life keeps going. Life can be cruel, it can be challenging, it can be beautiful. No matter what, it keeps going. As my friend Ferris once said, if you don’t stop and look around from time to time, you could miss it. So much changed so drastically in the last year. I’m still processing it. I might always be processing it. Most importantly, I think, is that I’ve learned to flow with it wherever it goes. It’s harder sometimes than other, but the result is usually worth the grind.

You might read my stuff in the Times once day, or (my personal favorite dream) National Geographic. I don’t know honestly know where I’m going, but I’m okay with that because I do know that I’m on my way. I’m still going. When life continues, you should go, too. You never quite know where the climb will lead, but you do know that the view will be great.

[ephemeral-writings]

Baby steps // friends who supports one another stays together…sort of. what about best friends who falls in love with each other?

kyungsoo x reader (best friends to lovers!) feat. chanyeol word count: 10k genre: fluff, angst —

🌵 

You’re six and too feisty for your own good. It usually gets you into trouble--a few too many scrapes on your knees and elbows is to show, but your dad finds it far too amusing when you discuss your day with him over dinner about the mean boy you stood up to who pulled on your braids to tell you that no, it’s not nice to call Chanyeol a dummy for touching a girl’s hair without her permission.

Tonight, you tell him about the new kid in school, a transfer from Seoul, and how interestingly wide his eyes are. You hold two spoons to your eyes to emphasize your amazement, even imitating the way the little boy introduced himself to the class this morning. “Hello, my name is Do Kyungsoo,” you repeated in a failed Seoul dialect. 

The next few weeks, you try to befriend the odd boy from Seoul that no one else wants to be friends with. Kyungsoo is quiet, mostly because Chanyeol makes fun of his dialect, but where he’s silent, you make up for by running off your own mouth with stories that you think Kyungsoo is ignoring. 

“My mom went away when I was two years old, so it’s just me and my dad and sometimes grandma and grandpa,” you tell him. Everyone in your town knows about this, and you figure it was only time before Kyungsoo learned about this, so decided to tell him yourself. Maybe he’ll appreciate it and see your efforts to be friends with him.

Surprisingly, Kyungsoo is intrigued by this information, so he asks, “Where does she live now?” 

Your small right hand rise in the air and point to the clouds above. “My dad says that mommy is always watching me from the sky.” 

Kyungsoo’s eyes grow the slightest bit bigger, if possible, and he stays gawking at you the rest of the recess as you talked and talked. 

🌵

You’re eight and still don’t know how to control your temper. Your dad took a pair of shears to your hair this weekend, saying that it’s not practical to have such long hair in Daegu’s heat, but you don’t like how your hair falls just barely below your chin. It’s suppose to be long and pretty, like your mom’s was in the family portrait. 

You’ve always had long hair, cherished every time your dad braided it, so the moment Chanyeol calls you ugly on Monday and, “Aw, does that mean I can’t pull on your hair anymore?” You lose it and push his big, fat meanness to the ground despite being taller than you. Chanyeol makes a scene and tells on you, your teacher sends you to a time out where you cried big, fat tears in lieu of not being able to restore the length of your hair. 

“Ms. Lee says that you can come back in now.”

Kyungsoo is staring down at you from where you’re kneeled on the floor. Slowly lowering your arms, you rub the snot from your face which makes Kyungsoo judge you but you don’t care. You’re still sulking about your hair. 

“Why are you crying?” He asks. 

Kyungsoo doesn’t understand why Chanyeol’s bullying makes you so upset when it’s just Chanyeol, the mean kid who doesn’t have a sensitive bone in his body. He picks on Kyungsoo, too, but the smaller boy never bats an eye and instead turn the other cheek from his incessant mockery. 

“I look prettier with my hair long, didn’t I?” You’re not really expecting Kyungsoo to say that you look pretty, because Kyungsoo was your best friend and you know that he would never say something that like. And just as you know him so well, he replied with, “You’re ugly either way.” 

Kyungsoo calling you ugly isn’t as upsetting as Chanyeol doing it, you know that Kyungsoo can be mean and really harsh sometimes, but he was your best friend and would never hurt you hurt you. 

Kyungsoo thinks he should probably say something to make you feel better, but can’t bring himself to. You’re his best friend, and maybe that makes it harder, but just when he thinks he’s made you upset again, you break into a grin and retort sassily. “You’re ugly too, Soo,” you chortled, poking a finger to his chubby cheeks. 

🌵

You’re 15 and don’t understand boys at all. And that includes your dad. 

“She’s really nice, sweetheart, and she’s been wanting to meet you for a while now,” your dad coos. Your dad, get this, has a girlfriend. The world has stopped spinning, all the fishes in the sea stopped swimming, and you’ve stopped functioning. 

You knew your dad had a friend that was a girl, but what? When? What? You’ve started hanging out at your grandparent’s place more often, and tonight, your dad decides to disclose this crucial information that he’s in love with a woman...that wasn’t your mom. 

You start crying without even noticing, your mouth still full of rice that’s suddenly really difficult to swallow down. Your dad pulls you in a hug immediately, shushing your cries with gentle ‘don’t cry, baby, it’s all right, everything will be okay’. 

---

You’re uncharacteristically quiet and Kyungsoo notices right away when you’re just poking around your slowly melting ice cream. 

“Why do you have this look on your face like something died in your ice cream?” Kyungsoo goes to take a spoonful for your strawberry swirl and makes a face when he’s tasted the sugary confection. “Yuck, you’re gonna get diabetes if you keep eating that. But nothing died in there, so what’s wrong with you?” 

“Soo,” you croaked, “My dad doesn’t love my mom anymore.” 

Kyungsoo gives you a perplexed look. “What do you mean?” 

“He says he has a girlfriend and he’s, he says he loves her,” you whimpered. “What do I do, Soo?” 

Kyungsoo isn’t fond of sentiments. He doesn’t know what to say to make you feel better, but he thinks it’s not ‘better’ that you need, it’s the truth and Kyungsoo can do truths. He’ll try to be less bleak about it, though. 

“Don’t you want your dad to be happy and be in love?” He starts off. You nodded hesitantly, wanting to add more to it, but Kyungsoo shushes you with a look to let him finish. 

“Look, your dad falling in love with another woman doesn’t mean he doesn’t love your mom any less. But your mom has been gone for a long time. Who knows, maybe it’s a good thing that your dad will have someone to love instead of just missing your mom all the time.” Kyungsoo shrugs his narrow shoulders, acting nonchalant, while you’re absorbing everything he said. Everything he said is right. Kyungsoo is smart and logical for a boy his age. How did he get so wise, you wondered. 

“And before you pull the ‘but he has me to love’ card, he does. But you’re his daughter. He expects you to fall in love on your own and eventually leave him as well. It’s life, you dummy.”

Oh, no, you’re tearing up again. You don’t want to leave your dad in the future. You love him with all your fifteen year old heart. 

You hear Kyungsoo’s chair screeching as he stands up to go ask the cashier for napkins, and soon he returns, shoving the wad of napkins in your tear-stained face. He lets you cry for a while, awkwardly smiling at a lady who looks at him in disappointment. Geez, you’re such a handful. 

“Well, that’s assuming that you’ll find someone that can handle you for the rest of their lives.” 

🌵

You’re 18 and lordy lord is it a weird time in your life. You’ve come to terms that you have to share your dad with your step-mom now, but you’ve never thought that one day, you’d have to share Kyungsoo with another girl in his life. His mother didn’t count because she left them when he was young. So, as long as you’ve known Kyungsoo, he’s always been just yours. 

Okay, fine, he doesn’t belong to you, but point sustained. 

Her name is Sohee, and she’s in the same grade as you and Kyungsoo. Her mother is some hotshot realtor and she lives in the biggest house in town. When she moved here six months ago, she took an immediate interest in Kyungsoo, and after many attempts at confessing, Kyungsoo finally accepted her.

She’s pretty, like really pretty, so it confuses you that she liked Kyungsoo, your ugly, stupid, and ugly best friend. Okay, fine, fine. Kyungsoo wasn’t ugly. But you can’t say he was good looking either! It’s just not right! All you could give credit to him was that he grew into his button nose and wide eyes.

There’s a knock on your door and your step-mom pokes her head through the crack. You invite her to step closer and walk into your room. She briefly glances at the photo of you as a baby and your parents sandwiching you between them on a bed. 

“I was going to ask you if you needed any help getting ready, but it seems like you’ve got it all under control,” she smiles tenderly. You return it just the same. 

“Do I look okay?” You’re wearing a slight bit of makeup and you’ve curled the ends of your long hair. It makes you look really girly and so unlike you, but you’re going out with Kyungsoo and Sohee and a few of her friends for barbeque so you think that maybe you should look at least good enough to hang with them. Geez, where’s all this insecurity coming from? 

“You look pretty, dear, you always do,” she replies. She brushes a stray strand of hair out of your face and inspects you closely, motherly, and you appreciate the gesture however much it makes you miss your real mom. 

---

You shouldn’t have been surprised that Sohee was friends with the popular kids. You just hate that you didn’t see it coming, to see Park Chanyeol sitting on the opposite side of the only available seat left. 

“Hey, Y/N! You made it!” Sohee cheers. It’s just a casual lunch hang out, and you’re aware she looks pretty every day, but you’re floored by how pretty she looks in a flowy white dress and her hair in a half updo. Kyungsoo gives you a ‘sup nod when you meet eyes. He’s sitting on the left of his girlfriend, your seat being on the right of Sohee. You greet everyone else at the table as you settle in, and they all respond kindly despite probably not knowing who you are.  

Everyone talks amongst themselves and across the table. You yourself try to engage, but can’t really find anything to add to the discussions. You keep quiet for the most part and eat the grilled meats when it’s ready. Suddenly, you feel someone tug on your hair and look up from the grill to see Chanyeol smirking at you. 

“You grew out your hair again,” he speculates the obvious. “I forgot how fun it was to pull pranks on you, Y/N.” 

Your cheeks turned red unconsciously, and Chanyeol is quick to point it out and friendly mock you out loud. His boisterous laugh is loud enough to catch everyone’s attention at your table. 

“You haven’t changed a bit, Y/N! You still get worked up so easily over something so small.” Chanyeol guffaws. He leans towards you and tease, “Would you believed me if I told you that I actually liked you back then?” 

You glare at Chanyeol, spiting the fact that he’s grown up handsomely and too tall for you to glower at when he’s taller than you even sitting down, and he’s making you blush right now. No, you don’t like Park Chanyeol, but he’s teasing you again and pulling on your hair like you guys are six again and you hate how belittling it feels. You’re pissed.

“Am I suppose to feel flattered, Park?” You snap. By now everyone is watching you two, glaring down one another. Kyungsoo growls your name, and snaps you out of it. You turn to meet his hard stare and his subtle head shake. He’s mad at you? Oh, hell no.

“Sorry,” you mumble to the whole table. “I forgot that I have to help my mom with something.” In your stricken state, you let the three letter word slip. But it was too late. Your heart sinks when you see the look in Chanyeol’s eyes shift. 

“Don’t you mean ‘step-mom’?” 

This time Kyungsoo calls out Chanyeol’s name, deep and threatening. “Yah, Park Chanyeol.” 

The shift in attention from you to Chanyeol is all you need to slip out of your seat and out of the restaurant. 

---

You don’t go home after leaving the restaurant. You know better than to worry your step-mom by coming home early, just an hour after you’ve left. 

Instead, you go to the ice cream place that you and Kyungsoo have been religiously visiting since you guys were fifteen. You get three hefty scoops of your favorite flavor, courtesy of the worker who knows you a little too well. 

You park your bum on one of the stools, refusing to sit in your usual spot without Kyungsoo there. Just when the thought your best friend crosses your mind, your phone chimes with a new message. 

‘U ok?’ 

‘Yeah’ You send back quickly. Three minutes pass, and you figure Kyungsoo saw your reply and is leaving it at that. But then another one comes through shortly.

‘Ok. Don’t finish all that ice cream, there’s too much sugar in that crap’

Your smile comes reflexively. 

---

Around 4pm, you go home. You sat in the ice cream shop for a total of three hours, talking to the worker there, until he clocked out and left you bored out of your mind for the last hour. 

Your dad is home from work, the evidence in his usual work shoes sitting in its shelf slot. 

“I’m home,” you announce. Your step-mom greets you back from where she is in the kitchen, preparing dinner. You head towards the kitchen for some water to wash down the sugar still in your mouth. 

“Where’s dad?” You ask. 

“Showering. Dear, would you mind watching over the stove?” 

You agree to, standing in front of the pot of soup and stir it in interest. It’s dad’s favorite.

“How was lunch with your friends, hm?” Your step-mom asks as she chops up stalks of green onion. 

You pretend to be really interested in what was cooking on the stove top, responding distractedly and vaguely. “It was fun. I’m still a little full from how much I ate.” Lies, you felt sick; you should’ve listened to Kyungsoo and not eaten all that ice cream.  

Your dad walks into the kitchen, giving you a smooch on your cheek and then your step-mom. 

Your step-mom resumes what she was saying before your dad walked in. “You can have a small dinner, so that way you won’t go to sleep hungry later, okay?” 

Dad butts into the conversation. “You’re not hungry, sweetheart?” 

“Yeah,” you grimace. “I had lunch with Kyungsoo, and Sohee.” You add the last bit almost as an afterthought. It makes you strikingly uncomfortable that every time you mention Kyungsoo nowadays, it’s followed with Sohee’s name. Now you really feel sick, period. 

After dinner which you sat through just for the sake of keeping your dad and step-mom company, you took a quick shower. You had forgotten about the makeup on your face, and came out of the shower looking like a panda. 

You’re wiping your eyes with makeup remover when there’s a knock on your door. 

“Come in,” you say, assuming it’s your dad or step-mom. However, it’s Kyungsoo. “Oh, hey.” 

“Hey,” he grunts, shutting the door behind him as he makes himself comfortable in your room. He sits on your bed, right by where you’re sitting on a chair in front of your vanity. He watches you finish removing your macara. 

“What’s up?” You questioned him after you’ve completely rid of your panda eyes. 

“Do you think I should break up with Sohee?” 

Trust Kyungsoo to come in like a wrecking ball with this sudden quandary. You’re shocked to say the least. 

“Wait, what?” 

Kyungsoo repeats the same question, and that’s when you notice how tired he sounds. He sounds completely drained as he sighs. You’re not sure what to do or say in this uncharted territory. In fact, the entirety of Kyungsoo and Sohee’s relationship was uncharted territory.

You ask the obvious question. “Do you not like Sohee anymore?” 

He sighs again, digging his palms into his eye sockets. “That’s the point. I’m not even sure if I ever liked her to begin with, Y/N.” 

You probably give him the stupidest face reaction ever, one of confusion and judgment. “Kyungsoo, you can not be stupid enough to call her your girlfriend for almost four months and not have had a single feeling towards her.” 

Kyungsoo shrugs. You steadily breathe through your nose to maintain your composure. 

“Okay, fine. Then why the sudden epiphany that you don’t want to be with her anymore?” 

“I mean,” Kyungsoo massages the back of his neck. “This isn’t sudden. I’ve thought about this for a while now. Today, after what happened, it just made it more clear.” 

“What do you mean?” You go to sit next to him on your bed. 

“Sohee kind of got upset after you left. We talked it out just before I came here, but she said she didn’t like how I got in between you and Chanyeol, like I was acting jealous that Chanyeol could have really liked you.” 

You snort. “Chanyeol did not and does not like me. He’s just being a jerk.” 

“That’s what I told her, but she wouldn’t believe me,” he groans. 

“That’s dumb. Is she insinuating that you actually have feelings for me? Me.” You point a finger at yourself and laugh. “There’s literally no way.” 

“...I know. So, what do you think I should do about Sohee?” 

You shrug. “I don’t know, Soo. Just do whatever you think is right.” 

---

Chanyeol eventually apologizes, a few weeks after the sour encounter you had. He corners you at school, said he didn’t mean to say the things he did and apologized for the low blow. He was being sincere, you could tell, so you accepted his “I’m sorry for being such a dick, even when we were younger I wasn’t nice to you at all, so I’m really sorry’. It felt too formal to shake it off, so he opted for a boyish one arm hug that melted away all your bitterness about the past. 

You tell Kyungsoo about your truce with Chanyeol later that night. He’s over at your house again, this time staying for dinner with your parents as well. Your dad always liked Kyungsoo, ever since you told him about ‘the boy in your grade who also lost his mother’. Of course, you learned later on in life that your mother’s passing was different from Kyungsoo’s mother leaving him and his father for another man. 

“So you guys are friends now?” Kyungsoo questions, moving your potted cactus to a spot he deemed more suitable. You let him do as he wishes since it was his gift for you, and you got two brown thumbs.

“We basically bro-hugged it out, and he apologized for what happened last week,” you say, shrugging. “It hardly constitutes as friendship, but at least we’re not enemies anymore.” Kyungsoo hums thoughtfully, but doesn’t respond with anything else on the matter. 

“So,” you start, sudden trepidation flooding your heart. “I heard about you and Sohee.” 

Kyungsoo doesn’t bat an eye as he continues organizing your desk, merely makes a sound of acknowledgment that he has heard you. 

“Are you okay, Soo?” 

He doesn’t say anything for a while, just silently replacing your notebooks into your file boxes and pens into your upcycle candle jar. Kyungsoo’s bedroom in comparison to yours is shockingly different. Whereas you find comfort in feeling as if your room was homey, Kyungsoo kept his immaculate. He cleans it daily, you swear, and there’s never an item misplaced. It drives Kyungsoo up the wall when you refuse to do the bare minimum as to reorganize your desk after a week of use; your bed and clothes, he doesn’t care for, but desk clutter is the worst kind of clutter, according to him.  

When he’s finally satisfied, he turns to join you on the bed, planting himself on the opposite end, right by your outstretched legs. 

“I’m not sad, if that’s what you’re wondering,” he starts. “We were dating for four months, and if I’m being honest, I wasn’t happy at any point in time during those months. 

“I think I only agreed to be her boyfriend because she had this power over me, urging me to just say yes, so I thought - what the hell - she’s pretty,” Kyungsoo confesses to which you have to force your eyeballs not to roll back. “But she was also controlling.” 

You frown at this, very deeply, and very hurt that you didn’t know about how Sohee was treating your best friend. 

“Bottom line is, I wasn’t happy with her and I’m so glad I finally broke it off.” Kyungsoo is grinning, relieved and wistful. 

“I’m sorry,” comes your apology. Kyungsoo questions it, baffled at why you were saying sorry as if his dumb mistake was your fault. “I don’t know. I feel like maybe I should’ve noticed something like this. I feel bad that you were unhappy this whole time when I had no clue.” 

You’ve always pride yourself in understanding Kyungsoo a little more than anyone else. He was your left arm and right leg for goodness sake. Kyungsoo had his tendencies, to bury everything remotely burdening and bare it all himself, but you should’ve been able to pick up on that. Right? 

Kyungsoo shrugs, as if saying, “Whatever, what’s done is done.” You’re left staring at each other for a good few seconds before you’re lifting your arms up, wondering, “Hug?” 

“I told you I’m fine, Y/N,” Kyungsoo repeated, rolling his eyes. 

“I’m not talking about you,” you muttered as you crawl towards the end of the bed. “I need it. For me.” 

Kyungsoo, though the least affectionate person you’ve ever met, can never say no to you when you look genuinely sad? Why were you sad? He simply opens up, allowing you to crawl into his arms and wrap your arms underneath and up around his shoulders. You squeeze him tight, surprising Kyungsoo who is virtually your pillar from toppling over--and shit. You’re suddenly crying. He makes sure your sniffles are crying sniffles, but honestly he could already feel the unevenness of your breathing from the way you’re pressed against his chest and he knows that you’re suppressing your cries. 

“Why are you crying?” He asks. He opts to play with the ends of your hair, unable to bring himself to comb his whole hand through it. Kyungsoo hopes and prays that you can’t feel how fast his heart is beating. 

You don’t though because yours is pounding in your own cavity, so heavy and aching that all you really feel from Kyungsoo is his warmth. 

“I missed you,” you whispered. You realize the weight of missing Kyungsoo was different than missing your mom. You hate to think that you’ve gotten used to the absence of your mother, but Kyungsoo was here the whole time yet you felt so far from him these past few weeks, months even. He tells you this, you predicted he would. 

“I’ve been here the whole time, though.” 

“Shut up, Soo, I know that. Just...give me a moment. Please?” Your plea settles in the valleys of his chest, seeping into his veins in lethal waves. 

Kyungsoo, now patting your head occasionally, sighs a deep sigh. You stayed in that position for five minutes until Kyungsoo finally complains about his aching back.

🌵

You’re finally the ‘A’ word, inevitably, age 22 and fresh out of college. You got a degree in history and working on getting your credentials to teach. You went to college in your city; it was small and humble, but you couldn’t imagine yourself leaving Daegu’s familiar charm. Everyone you knew, had grown up with left the minute summer was over, and they shipped off to different cities and countries and whatnot. Okay, maybe not every single person you knew. Park Chanyeol actually came back after three semesters at uni, deciding that school just wasn’t for him. 

Presently, you’re on baby watch while your parents are on a five-day vacation, one that you suggested and only mildly regret doing. 

“Seojun, it’s time for lunch. Aren’t you hungry?” You ask the two year old sitting in his playpen. He’s banging on his little toy that is suppose to promote motor skills but he has yet to figure out that it doesn’t require mindlessly banging on the dang thing. 

Halfway through setting up his lunch, the doorbell rings. You make sure he’s still occupied before taking your sights off him. 

“Kyungsoo?” He standing there, on your threshold, like it was the most casual thing for him to show up on a random Saturday afternoon. “What are you doing here?” 

Kyungsoo cracks a grin as he eyes your stained shirt. “Visiting. Can I come in?” 

You attempt to smooth out the creases on your shirt due to Seojun’s grabby hands as Kyungsoo walks further into your house. He easily makes his way over to your baby brother who’s curious about the strange man he’s only met through videocall. 

“I’m going to finish up preparing his lunch,” you tell Kyungsoo, and he nods with a soft look on his face. 

As you roll rice balls into baby bite-sized rounds, you steal glances at the man playing with your baby brother, attempting to will your heart to stop fluttering at how utterly gentle he was being. 

His hair is shorter than the last time you saw him-- through a screen-- it’s now shaved on either sides, leaving the top just a few inches longer than the rest. He’s wearing a grey sweater that fits snug against his chest and biceps--

“Done!” You shout, a little too loud for Seojun who trembles cutely on his wobbly bum. “Would you mind bringing Seojunnie over?” 

You shouldn’t be as mesmerized at the sight of Kyungsoo’s taut forearm supporting Seojun’s bottom as much as you were. He seats him on the high chair and Seojun goes to town with his lunch without much prompting. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back?” You ask while sliding him a cup of water. 

Kyungsoo takes a sip before responding. “I messaged you this morning,” he defends, but you actually haven’t seen your phone all day. You were occupied with Seojun since yesterday and you normally don’t expect calls or messages. Kyungsoo knows this so it doesn’t entirely puts him in the clear.

“You hadn’t mentioned anything last week when we spoke,” you grumbled. “So, how long do I have you for this time?”

Kyungsoo usually stays in weeks at a time, never going longer than three weeks unless it was the holidays. 

“I’m done with my internship, decided to move back for a little while,” he explains. Kyungsoo studied and graduated with a major in engineering, and started interning at a company right after he finished. That was almost two years ago, and he was finally done. 

You try not to think about how little is a little while, focusing on how for now, you have your best friend back by your side. 

---

Turns out it wasn’t that long. Kyungsoo was gone again by the following month, landing a job in Seoul, with benefits and a pay more than you could dream of with your teaching job. You’re happy for him, extremely happy, and so proud to watch him grow and succeed in life. So you suck it up, brush away the ache in your chest, and send him off with a happy smile. 

🌵

You’re twenty-five, turning twenty-six today, and life is okay. You’re a high school teacher as planned and you like your job and where you are in life.  

You wake up to Seojun jumping on your bed, screaming, “Happy birthday noona!” You literally have to peel him off like a leech after a while when he wouldn’t let you go to get ready for work. He says it again at the table over breakfast, followed by a chorus of happy birthdays from your parents as well. 

“Thank you, thank you all,” you say, voice full of mirth. You make a mess of Seojun mop of a hair before parting for work. 

The day goes by quickly when it’s filled with smiles and thank you’s towards your colleagues who greets you a happy birthday. Few of the ladies expressed their envy of your youth, being the youngest teacher and all, but all you could think in the back of your mind was whether you were ready to be another year older. 

You’re meeting up with Chanyeol for dinner later that day. You try, but to no avail, to stop your mother from giving you suggestive looks when you tell her that you’re spending your birthday with Chanyeol. 

“He’s just a friend, Mom,” you said. “Chanyeol and I will never, ever be, so just give it up already, okay?” 

Your mother simply walks out of your room with a singsonged, “Whatever you say, dear.” 

Chanyeol picks you up at seven. He comments on how nice you look in your little black dress, to which you thank him and return to him the same; he wore a pinstripe shirt with a blazer thrown over for a casual but put-together dinner look. Chanyeol, being the popular guy in high school like he was, was always aware of his wardrobe. He had his admirers to please, and you make a joke to him about it.

“You’re not trying to impress me, are you, Park?” 

He shrugs. “Depends on if you’re impressionable.” 

You chortle goodnaturedly. “Not since you called me ugly when we were eight.” 

He winces. “Damn, I hope Seojun doesn’t learn to hold grudges like you do.” 

The drive to the restaurant that Chanyeol had made reservations with was fifteen minutes away. You had made him promise not to go overboard for your birthday; you’ve only spent your three previous birthdays with Chanyeol but he always somehow manages to make the celebration bigger than it should’ve been. The previous year he took you to the aquarium, and the year before that, he surprised you in your classroom. Let’s just say the kids were more than ecstatic that the classtime spent was more or less than unproductive. 

You couldn’t explain how Chanyeol and you had gotten so close. After bumping into him at the market, you rekindled the unlikely friendship that was you and Park Chanyeol, the popular high school kid who was expected to evolve into your typical college frat boy but surprised the world when he returned to his hometown. That and the fact that you both understood each other quite well. 

“Order anything you want. It’s my treat tonight.” The waiter comes over with a bottle of champagne that Chanyeol had reserved. The menu consists of steaks and seafood specialties. The steak, good lord, is almost over $50, so you smother your usual craving for beef down and tell Chanyeol that you’d like the seabass with a salad and veggies which was still up there. 

“Seriously, Y/N?” Chanyeol gives you a doubtful look. “You can eat five-six rounds of brisket when we barbecue and you’re telling me you want seabass?” 

You pinked at his frank observation. “It just sounds interesting! I want to try it and you can’t stop me,” you argue, adding a sassy hair flick over your shoulder. 

Chanyeol succumbs reluctantly and flags the waiter down who takes your order. Chanyeol orders your seabass and the steak for himself, and you just know it’s his sly way of giving you want you actually want. 

“Have you spoken to Kyungsoo today?” Chanyeol asks when the waiter walks away.

Kyungsoo. A name once so homey, but foreign as of late. 

You shake your head at the question, reaching for your glass to wash the imaginary bitterness away. 

“He’s probably busy with work.” At least that’s the reason he’s been giving you whenever you try to contact him only for him to message hours later that he can’t talk at the moment. You don’t blame him of course; life gets busy and it wasn’t like you weren’t the same. Teaching proved to be an around the clock job as you spend as much available time when you’re not teaching, planning lessons and grading papers. 

You wonder, but try not to dwell, on the fact that he’s forgotten your birthday. Maybe even forgotten about you. You scoff out loud at the thought. The slight sweetness that was in the wine had gone sour all of a sudden.

Chanyeol, of all people, was the first to recognize your feelings for Kyungsoo. Yes, you had feelings for your best friend, if you could still call him that. Feelings that weren’t all platonic and that scared you at first, when you got really moody during his last relationship with some girl at his uni. 

Even your parents brushed it off as your first mid-life crisis where you refused to leave the house and ignored every soul that wasn’t under the roof.

It was Chanyeol who eventually called you out on your feelings when you both were drinking one night, and you got mad at him for saying nonsense. After sobering up(and brooding for 2 days), you called Chanyeol and apologized for calling him terrible names and kicking him in the shin. He wouldn’t accept your apology until you fessed up and admitted your feelings. 

“You’re killing me here, Y/N,” Chanyeol presently groans, making you roll your eyes. He’s become somewhat of a part-time relationship confidant to you, though you’d never admit what a mess you were out loud.

The food arrives and you both dig in. Chanyeol cuts off a chunk of his steak and puts it on your plate, as you expected. You get ready to scold him, but with one look at his stern expression, you pause, letting all arguments die in your throat. 

“Thank you, Chanyeol,” you say. There’s a heaviness in your chest because no matter how great Chanyeol was to you, you still wish that it was Kyungsoo that was taking you out to dinners and visiting you at work and taking you to the aquarium. Not that you were comparing Chanyeol to Kyungsoo...but technically they both aren’t compared in any other ways besides being your best friend. Damn, now you just missed Kyungsoo, period. 

“Yah, yah,” Chanyeol admonishes when he notices your smile quivering. “None of that today. We’re celebrating your birthday, okay?” He picks up his flute and motions you to do the same. “To 26,” he cheers, softly connecting your glasses together in a faint clink. 

For the rest of the night, you catch up with Chanyeol; his life as a chef was interesting to say the least as he shares stories about all the various people who visits his restaurant. You talk until Chanyeol shakes off his slight buzz in order to get behind the wheel. When it’s out of his system, Chanyeol grabs the bill and drives you guys back to a convenience store near your house. 

It’s a funny look-- both of you dressed for a fancy dinner but are sitting on the table outside the store with bottles of soju, doing shots. Well, you’re doing shots. Meanwhile, Chanyeol is nursing you who’s getting drunker with every shot. He takes one for every five you take. 

You were doing good, not dwelling on Kyungsoo for the most part, but the alcohol messes with your coherence to block him out, and next thing you know you’re flooded with all these damn emotions. 

“Chanyeol, have you ever loved someone?” 

“Yeah,” he answers. 

You think he might be joking so you retort back with, “And it can’t be your mom or sister, Yeol.” He surprises you when he simply smirks and repeats his answer. 

“Do I know this person?” You ask. This was news to you. Chanyeol, as far as you knew, never dated in high school and hasn’t gone out with a girl in a few years. He was flirty by nature, but despite girls flocking around him, he’s never made one his girlfriend. 

Chanyeol asserts that, no, you didn’t know this person. He simply states that it was a girl he knew of since he was young. You wanted to ask him if he still loves this girl.

You’re downing another shot when, suddenly, your phone rings with an incoming call. 

“Yah, Kyungsoo is calling you,” Chanyeol informs you, knowing you probably can’t see straight to read his name.

“Should I pick up? What should I do? I’m not thinking straight.” In your sluggish, panic state, you stumble and slur on your words. Chanyeol answers the call for you before it’s too late.

“Hey, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol says into the device. “Y/N is a little out of it right now.” Kyungsoo says something back that Chanyeol relays to you. Whispering, he tells you, “He says he still wants to talk to you.” 

Reluctantly, you take the phone and put it to your ear. 

“Hey, Soo!”

Kyungsoo sighs softly on the other end. “Are you drunk?” 

You make a sound that sounds vaguely similar to an excited baby. With your heart pounding in your ribcage, you don’t trust yourself to vocalize anything, nevermind coherency. 

“How was your birthday?” He asks after a few seconds. 

“Work, dinner, now soju,” you summarized, giggling at the end. You hear shuffling of papers in the background. “Are you still working?” It’s almost midnight, and he was still working? 

Kyungsoo hums in response. 

“Soo, it’s too late for you to be still working. Whatever it is, it can wait. Get some rest, hmm?” 

“I’m getting ready to leave,” he says. 

“Good.” You smile over the phone, feeling safe that he can’t see the love pouring out of you. Damn, you need to keep. It. In. Check. 

 “Just wanted to make sure I get in my birthday wish before it’s over,” he mumbles. There’s a somber tone to his voice and you recognize it as the same one he used before when he told you that he wouldn’t visit for the holidays because of deadlines. 

“It’s okay, Soo. I’m okay,” you murmur back. “Thank you.” Kyungsoo goes silent on the other end for a minute. 

With both of you not saying anything, Chanyeol mouths, “Did he hung up?” You shake your head. 

In another few seconds, Kyungsoo sighs before telling you to get home safe and that he’ll give you a call tomorrow morning.

You give Chanyeol the phone back(even though it’s yours) and knock out on the table. To twenty-six!...

🌵

You’re still 26. It’s one month after your birthday, and Kyungsoo surprises you with a call during your lunch break. It’s odd because you sent him an article talking about how sugar was once considered medicinal, and that was this morning and he hadn’t responded. Leave it to Kyungsoo to ghost your message and skip right to phoning. 

“Transferred? What do you mean?” You wipe the sauce that drips down your chin. Gross. 

“I put in a request to move to the office closer to Daegu, so I’m moving back.” Kyungsoo tells you over the phone.  

“But-but why? I mean, not that I’m not happy about this news, but…” You don’t voice out the fact that Kyungsoo being in Seoul made your coping to stop thinking about him a little easier. Not that it was ever successful, but that’s besides the point. How will you keep your feelings in check with him living fifteen minutes away from you? 

“Well, Chanyeol was the one who gave me the idea.” You make a mental reminder to murder Chanyeol later. “I just went ahead and asked to see if it was possible. It took one month for them to agree, but they finally did, so, I guess I’m coming home,” he concludes. 

---

Even though Kyungsoo is back, it’s different from before. You guys aren’t teenagers anymore, but adults with obligations and a proper job that requires you both on tight schedules. Even so, you guys are making an effort to make up for lost time and try to see each other on the weekends.  

You don’t know why it takes three weeks after his return for your family to invite Kyungsoo over for dinner, but your mother brings it up in the morning over breakfast, and tells you to message Kyungsoo. 

‘Parents ask if you wanna come over for dinner??”

‘Sure. Tonight?’ 

‘Yep :)’ 

‘Ok’ And just like that, Kyungsoo was coming over for dinner with you and your family. 

Your dad gives Kyungsoo a fatherly hug when he arrives, clapping his back twice and saying things like, “You’ve gotten big, son. You working out?” and “It’s great to have you back, so I have a second pair of eyes to keep an eye on Y/N,” —he whispers that last part but really, he wasn’t even trying. You roll your eyes with a pointed look. 

Seojun was always a social kid-- just like you were in most ways-- so it doesn’t surprise anyone that Seojun is accepting Kyungsoo so easily. You and your parents observe the little boy who won’t stop bothering Kyungsoo throughout dinner just to blabber something irrelevant to the man. Kyungsoo takes it all in stride, even letting Seojun settle on his lap in order for Seojun to at least have his dinner while playing with his new hyung.  

“So, Kyungsoo, are you seeing anyone?” Your dad asks, making you choke mildly on your dinner. 

“Dad!” You exclaim in place of Kyungsoo who couldn’t express his shock that your dad out of all people was inquiring about his love life. Your dad mouths, “what?” at you. You haven’t even touched that subject since he got back, for both of your benefits. If Kyungsoo wanted to tell you, then he would at his own time. 

Kyungsoo smiles goodnaturedly, and answers, “Not at the moment, sir.” You try not to ponder his very specific answer paired with the gentle look on his face. Does that mean he had a girl in mind? 

“Dad, quit it,” you grumble when he goes off tangent about the know-hows of courting a woman. Your step-mom jumps in with, “Honey, we all know that it was me who had to pursue you before we finally started dating.” While your parents begins a discourse about the beginnings of their relationship, you quietly finish your dinner and began on the dishes since your mother did the cooking. 

“Need some help?” 

You turn around to see Kyungsoo with his used bowls walking towards where you’re standing in front of the sink. 

“Wanna help dry?” You suggest but Kyungsoo shakes his head, offering to do the washing instead. You shrug and let him take over as he pleased. Kyungsoo was always the more neat and clean one of you two.

“It’s Sunday tomorrow,” Kyungsoo states. “Are you doing anything?” 

“I’m meeting with Chanyeol tomorrow,” you reply, replacing the clean and dried utensils in the drawer. “We’re watching a movie and probably grabbing lunch afterwards.” You tell him. You’ve been hanging out with Chanyeol regularly on Sundays because it was his only day off.

“You could join us for lunch, if you want to,” you say. 

Kyungsoo hesitates for a while. “You sure? Shouldn’t you ask Chanyeol to make sure it’s okay first?” 

“He won’t mind, seriously. We see each other so often that I’m surprise he isn’t sick of me yet. He’ll be more than happy to have someone other than me there.” You scoff.

Kyungsoo doesn’t answer to that, but agrees with a pensive look as he completes the dishes. He doesn’t voice out whatever he’s thinking about the rest of the night.

----

“I still can’t believe how hard you cried.” 

You and Chanyeol are sitting at the pizza place you told Kyungsoo to meet you at, having your typical banter. This time, it’s about the movie that you guys just watched. 

“Look, it was sad, okay? Simba literally had to watch his dad struggle and die right in front of him! After he made that promise to always be by his side, too? Devastating, and you don’t have a heart if that didn’t kill you inside, Y/N.”

“Yes, but you were literally sobbing, Yeol. Parents were giving you looks.” You mimic some of the looks you saw, from worried to straight up judging. 

“I don’t care. Simba lost his father, I deserve to mourn.” Chanyeol frowns deeply, sinking further into his seat. You’re mumbling about how even some of your students were more mature than this gigantic man when Kyungsoo arrives.

“Yah, Do Kyungsoo!” Chanyeol’s mood immediately turns, and he’s all big and goofy grin as he claps Kyungsoo’s shoulder in greeting. “It’s been awhile, dude!” 

Just because you’re still bitter that Chanyeol called you heartless, you mock the way he says dude, as if he doesn’t call you dude half the time. Kyungsoo grins at your silliness while Chanyeol blatantly ignores you.

While the two reacquaint themselves, you go to order the food after a short discussion of what flavors everyone wanted. 

“Hi, what can I get for you?” The worker manning the register asks kindly. You return the smile he gives you that oddly resembles a puppy. You focus on the menu in your hand as you repeat the different flavors and items you wanted. He types it all into the machine, repeating your order back, and completing with, “Anything else, pretty?” 

You almost choke on your spit. Looking up at the worker, your eyes made a brief glance at the name on his tag that read: “Baekhyun”. You’re too shocked to answer right away, which this guy, Baekhyun, notices. 

“Sorry,” he meekly apologizes. “I couldn’t help myself because you look so pretty.” Apparently the idea of subtlety wasn’t in this guy’s dictionary, and you couldn’t help the red from painting across your cheeks at his frank compliment. 

“No, it’s okay. I was just taken aback, but thank you,” you shyly beamed. Baekhyun smile becomes even brighter when you’ve responded positively. You have to look down again to hide your blushing cheeks when you decided how utterly cute the guy was.

“If that’s all then your order will be ready in fifteen to twenty minutes, pretty.” You manage to meet eyes with him again, thinking it’d be rude to not when he’s clearly talking to you, and he steals the short moment to send you a flirty wink. 

Dazed, you walk back to your table not too far away. You can only hope that Chanyeol won’t embarrass you about your red face in front of Kyungsoo.

But, alas. “Dude, I can feel the heat of your face all the way from here.”

“Shut it, Park.” 

If Kyungsoo wanted to join in on Chanyeol’s antics, he doesn’t show it neither does he comment on what he and Chanyeol most likely witnessed. You only kinda want to kill Chanyeol for his irresponsible mouth because the compliment from Baekhyun, though a little too forward for your liking, was still nice and pleasant overall. 

For the next hour or two, you guys spent lunch catching up on each other’s lives while reminiscing about the simplicity of the past. Kyungsoo learns about Chanyeol’s profession as a chef; he looks mildly jealous at this revelation. 

“Kyungsoo really likes cooking, actually,” you find yourself telling Chanyeol. Since high school, Kyungsoo would occasionally surprise you with homemade lunch that he would make alongside his father the night before. And because he was Kyungsoo, it always tasted better than you’d expected.

“We should get together and cook a meal one day!” Chanyeol blurts excitedly. He also rudely adds, “Y/N burns everything she touches.” 

“Yah!” You throw punches to his arm that actually hurts. 

“It’s the truth!” Chanyeol howls. “I feel sorry for your future husband! Better hope he has an iron stomach!” 

“Then I’ll just marry someone who can cook for the both of us!” Two seconds after, you realize the implications of your statement and regret everything instantly. Chanyeol hides his smirk while you give him a death glare to shut up. Kyungsoo, again, stays quiet. 

The lack of response makes you both glad and upset, leaning towards upset and you didn’t enjoy the way your heart clenched tightly. It feels similar to when baby Seojun would hold onto your fingers with a vice grip.

Kyungsoo was a man of few words, sure, but you’d rather have him and his snide remarks than this silence. Silence meant that it wasn’t even worth his breath to acknowledge, nevermind be affected by.

After lunch, Chanyeol parts ways to run some errands--so he claims, but the subtle wink he sends you tells you otherwise. Kyungsoo is the one to suggest getting ice cream. 

“Maybe at your favorite place?” 

You perk up at that, telling him that you haven’t visited that place in a while. The shop recently underwent some renovation due to a leak, or so your inside man tells you. 

“Are you sure you don’t want the strawberry swirl?” Kyungsoo asks for the fourth time while setting the scoop of red bean ice cream in front of you that you requested. He has a scoop the mint chocolate chip for himself.

“Sadly, I’m not like I used to be,” you frowned. “Last time I tried eating the strawberry swirl, I got a major headache from all the sugar.” 

Kyungsoo snorts. “Guess I don’t have to say I told you so anymore.” 

“You don’t, but why do I still hear you saying it in your head?” You place your chin on your propped up palm, cocking your head to the side in mockery. Kyungsoo simply chuckles before shoving a spoonful of his ice cream into his mouth. You shouldn’t be, but you find yourself staring a few seconds too long at his lips. They’re plump and pink and too inviting. 

“Y/N?” You hear someone call out. Looking up, you see a tall man, burly and jacked up. It’s Son Hyunwoo, a fellow teacher who was closest to you in age, being four years older than you, though his looks could easily fool anyone.  Standing by his side was a little boy whose eyes looked uncanny to his father. 

“Hyunwoo oppa!” You beam brightly. Unnoticed by you, Kyungsoo is thoroughly confused because you called this man with such delight and affection. What even. 

Hyunwoo walks over with his six year old, a little cutiepie named Hyuk. 

“Hi, Hyuk-ah!”

Being just like his father, Hyuk face is straight even as he politely bows his tiny little head with his hands on his belly, greeting you. He’s so darn cute that you can’t not fuss over him. 

“I almost missed you because you look so different with your hair,” Hyunwoo comments, ruffling the top of your head as you had just done to Hyuk. Usually, you wear your hair in a low bun because your female colleagues had once said that you looked more mature with the particular look. Without the do, your hair is still on the shorter side, barely grazing your shoulders. 

Consciously, you curl the hairs framing your face behind your ears, all the while simpering like a teenager in front of her crush. At least that’s how it looked to Kyungsoo who has to choke on his spit for you to remember his presence. 

“Oh, right,” you startle. “This is Kyungsoo, my childhood best friend,” you announce, gesturing to poker-faced Kyungsoo. “And this is Hyunwoo oppa. He’s an athletics teacher at our school.” 

Hyunwoo smiles amicably, offering Kyungsoo a handshake. Without a choice, Kyungsoo puts his hand in his awaiting ones, but regrets it immediately when he notices you outright ogling at Hyunwoo’s huge biceps flexing in front of you.  

“I thought we were interrupting a date, but good thing it’s not one, right?” Hyunwoo grins, seemingly harmless but it ticks off Kyungsoo anyways, especially when you quickly jump in to deny such assumptions. 

You know that Hyunwoo says the darndest things, but this was top-tier blasphemy and not because you didn’t like Kyungsoo that way(unfortunately); you’re trying your best to play it off because you didn’t want what Hyunwoo said to make Kyungsoo uncomfortable. And you’re slightly emotional again. 

“Appa,” Hyuk suddenly interrupts by pulling on his father’s hand. “Ice cream.” He pouts adorably, having been patient enough as his dad talks, but he’s getting anxious to get the ice cream his dad promised him after their doctor visit.  

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow Y/N,” Hyunwoo says to you, offering Kyungsoo a curt nod. His hand lingers on your shoulder too long for Kyungsoo’s liking, something he makes apparent after the father and son leaves. 

“Isn’t he a little too comfortable with touching a woman that’s not his wife?” Kyungsoo mutters. 

“What? Hyunwoo oppa? He’s not married,” You say, bewildered and slightly peeved by Kyungsoo’s tone of voice.

Kyungsoo frown deepens. “What?” 

“He’s a single father, Soo. His wife passed during childbirth, so it’s only him and Hyuk.” 

If the ground could open up and swallow Kyungsoo whole, he’d like that every much. God, he feels like a complete douchebag. He didn’t even have the right to feel...jealous, not when you weren’t his g-

“You could be really insensitive sometimes, you know that?”

“What? I didn’t know!” Kyungsoo voiced loud enough to attract the attention of the workers. You shot a glare at him to not start, not now. “That’s not fair, Y/N. I’m sorry that I don’t know everyone that’s in your life, and the details of their lives.” Maybe we don’t even know each other. “Maybe I should be sorry for moving back here in the first place,” Kyungsoo snaps. 

The thought has crossed your mind, of why Kyungsoo decided to come back. A foolish part of you allow you to think that you were the reason. Your eyes are flooded with tears before you could try to will them to stop, wallowing up so high until they had no choice but to let gravity pull them down. Kyungsoo’s heart drops to his stomach seeing you cry, wanting to apologize immediately when he knows just how fucked up what he just said was. 

Feeling hopeless and utterly gutted, you managed to lock eyes with Kyungsoo, rendering him speechless. You nod once in silence, unable to speak at this point, letting more tears trickle down your face before you’re getting up and walking out of the ice cream shop. 

---

Would you have believed Kyungsoo if he told you that he sort of started loving you from the very beginning? Okay, okay, maybe not from when you almost broke his arm from pushing him too hard on the swings. Maybe it’s from when you consoled him after catching him crying, that was when you were fourteen.

Kyungsoo sure as hell think not, just like how you didn’t believe Chanyeol. Kyungsoo’s exhausted the idea of you and him as something more than best friends at this point, and somehow he was still not sure-- not confident that either of you would be happy being together. He tried distancing you, doing the most as to move back to his hometown to study and start up a new life, leaving you behind. But distance be damned because Kyungsoo couldn’t stop thinking about you. Of your stupid quarells, getting heated over debates about trivial matters. You serving him burnt food with a guilty smile on your face. You falling asleep while studying together, and you crying because you hate studying period. 

Kyungsoo can function perfectly without you. He cooks well, studies well, earn well, even socialize well contrary to popular belief. But when he’s alone in his bed at night, reflecting on his day, he finds nothing remotely significant to end his day with. It was honestly how he finally gave up on his act of “busy settling in” and finally gather the nerve to call you. Since then, phone and video calls were the loopholes to his effort to stop...feeling things for you. When it became too difficult to not see or talk to you, that’s when he finally snapped out of it. He found himself a nice girl in his engineering club and they dated for a few months. She was smart, pretty, and a lot like his first girlfriend. Then he realized what a shitty thing it was to do, use a girl as a distraction from who he really wanted, and broke up with her. 

Kyungsoo knows when he has messed up. He doesn’t apologize often but he does when it counts. He knows today’s event went considerable south because he was simply too cowardly to admit that he loves you, and that he wants and maybe even needs you. Kyungsoo realizes, albeit late, that he’s fucked up. Royally. And he needs to act before he regrets it.

---

The rest of your family is out of town, visiting relatives in the city, so when the doorbell rings, at 1 in the morning no less, you’re worried that something’s gone wrong. 

With a nervous heart, you open the door only to reveal Kyungsoo. His frown is deeper than ever, his hair messy like he couldn’t stop running his fingers through them all night. 

You let out an audible groan. “What are you doing here, Soo? God, I thought,” you pause mid sentence, scared to voice out your pessimistic thoughts for the universe to hear. 

“Can I come in?” 

Without answering, you wordlessly retreat into the house as Kyungsoo closes the door and follows behind you. You start to put on the kettle to brew some tea. After that scare that woke you up, you’ll need some help falling back to sleep. 

“What do you want? What’s so important that you have to scare me shitless when I have to be awake in five hours?” 

You’re standing by the kettle, watching it closely with your arms crossed, hips resting against the counters. Your countenance exudes hostility, but inside your nerves eats away at your insecurities. 

Kyungsoo stands a few feet away, looking stiff and troubled as he figures out what to say. He promised himself he was going to do it, now, tonight. 

“Do, do you know why I moved back?” Kyungsoo takes one step closer towards you, beginning to round the island. 

You make a face. “What?” He repeats his question and this time you answer. “Yes. You moved back because you got relocated for your job,” you say, confidence flowing through your voice. 

Kyungsoo smiles woefully. “And how about why I moved away in the first place?” 

“This is getting ridiculous. The answers to these questions are so obvious that I don’t understand why you’re asking me this, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo makes his way closer. “No, they’re not that obvious, Y/N, because you’re wrong.” 

With less than five feet between you two, you’re getting unnerved by the sher scent of him that emits and propagates the kitchen space. Kyungsoo doesn’t look away from you once, as he continues speaking. 

“The answers to both of these questions are the same. There’s only one single person in this whole world that can turn and flip my world upside down and it’s you, Y/N. I left because I couldn’t be with you; staying next to you while feeling the way I did towards you and not lose myself in you. We pick fights with each other like it’s our job, and we forgive each other in the end like it’s a given. But I didn’t want that. I wanted,” Kyungsoo falters, before continuing. “To hold your hands, to kiss...to kiss away your tears, and be the man you deserved.”

“I felt stuck between being your best friend and wanting to be more. I got frustrated because whenever I looked at you, at us, all the signs in the universe said that we wouldn’t work. I did what I thought was best and left, but it was the stupidest decision I ever made because I never, ever stopped liking you once after I realized the way I felt. I can’t go on, not having you know this. And I know it was cowardly of me to do that...I know that you might not...not feel an ounce of romantic feelings for me, but I’d rather tell you now before it’s too late.” 

Following Kyungsoo’s confession, there’s only the sound of the water boiling rapidly filling the air. Kyungsoo brings it upon himself to walk over and turn off the fire, but that also meant walking closer to you; you who is stagnant, utterly speechless at the revelation. Your ears heard the words Kyungsoo said, but your brain short circuit the minute he said the words ‘feelings’ and ‘you’ in the same sentence with the pretense that he. Fucking. Loved. You. 

“Y/N, say something, please.” 

“Give me a sec,” you growl, gnawing at your lips. It’s bad enough that this is how you have to confess, but to realize that you both could’ve just said something years ago and you wouldn’t have cried your stupid heart out. Zeroing on that thought alone, your first instinct was to stir a fight. 

“I can’t fucking believe you made me cry all those times just because you couldn’t-- okay, fine. I’m also at fault because I’ve liked you since god knows how long and didn’t say anything, but,” you pause abruptly to finally look at Kyungsoo in the eyes, and you notice how he’s just inches away. You’re aware of the warmth that his body radiates, and it pulls you in closer. 

It’s Kyungsoo’s turn to be confused because, what, you liked him too, and for how long? He really wants to punch himself. 

“Look, we can’t turn back time, so we’ll just leave it at that,” Kyungsoo says, reaching for your hand. When he finally grasp it, it’s small and soft compared to his and he thinks for a moment that he wouldn’t mind holding your hand for the rest of his life. “I’m sorry for being a coward, sorry for making you cry when all I wanted was for you to be happy, and healthy. I promise to try my best because that’s what you deserve.” 

You’re mad blushing and frowning at what he said. “We have to make up for loss time though, somehow. God, we’re so stupid.” You stare intently at your intertwined hands, heart fluttering at how Kyungsoo draws his thumbs across your knuckles as if he was familiarizing himself with your hands. He swings it back and fro absentmindedly. 

“I’m in no rush,” he says. “Baby steps, anything is fine with me.” He tugs a little more intently, pulling you towards him. You think you might die with how many butterflies are living in your stomach and how he makes your heart pound erratically. Next thing you know, you’re untangling your fingers from his’, disappointment briefly falling on his face, but then you’re wrapping your arms around his waist. You’re so warm, from blushing no less, and he feels it through your clothes as your body mold against his. 

With some bit of confidence with not having to look at Kyungsoo in the eyes, you softly ask, “Does that mean you’re not even going to kiss me?”

You think-- think-- you felt Kyungsoo’s heart skip a beat, but it could’ve been your own heart also. Kyungsoo hums, as if contemplating, which makes you nervous because maybe you shouldn’t have asked. But then he grabs your arms from around his waist and unleashes himself from your embrace, keeping your hands safely in his. Kyungsoo peers into your perturbed eyes before dropping his gaze to your lips. He gives you half of a smile, one filled with adoration, and leans in to plant a kiss. You’re pleasantly surprised with the forehead kiss he gives you, sending a new wave of warmth across your cheeks and spread down your neck; the butterflies decidedly have settled to live permanently in your tummy.  

Kyungsoo pulls away after eons have passed. “Baby steps,” he murmurs, rubbing your exposed arms when he feels goosebumps manifesting.

Baby steps, he says, but Kyungsoo doesn’t tell you how he might not sleep a wink if he chooses to kiss your lips. Someday he will, but for tonight, he basks in the feeling of you in his arms in the middle of your kitchen, kettle long forgotten. Though he almost, almost, threw out all his inhibitions when you send him off with a kiss on his cheek, treading a little too close to his lips, and whisper good night. 

A good night implies that you and Kyungsoo got some sleep, but in your respective rooms that night, all that went through your minds was what the future held for you two. As best friends. As lovers.

[swiftsuburbanlegends]

family first

This is for the lovely @artreider. You wanted a Moira and Felicity scene and well someone had to deliver.

Felicity paced around the living room. The Queen mansion had never been a place where she spent a lot of time, but she did spend the majority of it in this room. 

Everyone was in the kitchen, eating on the mounds of food Raisa had prepared. But still she stayed away. Maybe she needed the time to miss Oliver just by herself, with no one watching or waiting to catch her if she fell.

“Felicity,” she heard Moira say behind her. “I don’t mean to interrupt, but Mia is up from her nap. Your mother took her into the kitchen with everyone else. I thought you’d like to know.”

She nodded as she turned to face the matriarch. It had been a while since she’d been home, and there were two timelines of life woven in her head. The Moira from before, she had never been very fond of her. And this Moira, had a few issues under her belt as well, mostly stemming from the lie involving William. 

“Thank you,” she said as she took a deep breath. “I’ll be there in a minute.”

But Moira didn’t turn to leave, instead she moved forward and took a seat on the couch. “I can’t believe he’s gone. Losing him once was… well I didn’t think I would make it through it then. But now it just seems…”

“Like so much was lost with him?” Felicity finished as she took the seat opposite her. Moira hadn’t just lost her son when the Gambit when down, she lost her husband as well. “Will it ever get easier? Does the pain ever just stop?”

“No my dear, it doesn’t,” she said with a sad look in her eyes. “But you learn to endure it. It isn’t easy, but it happens over time. And you have two beautiful children to help you look forward to tomorrow and the day after that, and so on.”

Felicity thought about William, how he told her he didn’t want to go back to his grandparents house. Not now that they only had each other. He had taken so fast to the news of being a big  brother, soothing Mia as she cried. Telling her he was gonna be there for her just like their father had been for Thea. 

“I never had the chance to say this before,” Moira continued as she reached for Felicity’s hand. “But thank you for saving my son.”

“I don’t know if I’d call what I did saving.”

“But you did Felicity,” she smiled brightly through her tears. “You gave him hope, you gave him light in the darkest of times, and you gave him love. All the things he needed, all the things a mother wishes for her children. So thank you for that.”

“He was easy to love,” she said, feeling her own tears fall. “Even when I thought it’s not what I wanted.”

“You were what he wanted,” Moira said. “The way he looked at you, that kind of love is…”

“Bigger than the universe?” Felicity supplied with a heavy sigh.

“Yes. And I’m so happy that my son got out of his own way long enough to realize it.” Moira stood, smoothing down her dress as she did so. “I already had Raisa get two of the rooms ready. You and Mia can have Oliver’s old room, and William can be close by.”

“We couldn’t impose on you Moira.”

“Oliver and Thea haven’t lived at home for years, but it still felt full when I knew they were safe. With him gone, these halls feel empty,” a small tear fell from her eye as she wiped it away. “If you don’t want to stay I understand, but I would love it if you three did. This is your home just as much as it’s mine.”

Part of Felicity wanted to go back to the apartment or back to Bloomfield and crawl under the covers again and just be. But as she looked at Moira, she didn’t see the strong and solid matriarch of the Queen family, she didn’t see a level headed business woman, once mayoral candidate. All she saw was a mother who had lost her son not once but twice. And she knew she couldn’t wallow in her own grief and let it take her under. 

Felicity stood and moved towards Moira, wrapping an arm around her side. “Let’s go see if Raisa will make some tea.”

“Tea sounds lovely.”

“And then you can show William to his room,” she smiled. “I think we’ll love being here with you.”

“Felicity look--”

“Family should stick together,” she cut her off, with a gentle squeeze to her hand. “It’s what Oliver would want. I know it.”

[chimalabanan]

WHEN YOU STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE WORLD IS: A REALIZATION OF  PAST WITH GRAVE OF THE FIREFLIES BY ISAO TAKAHATA

As a child, you still have questions in your life. Curiosity was always within you and answers are still not yet answered. What happens when someone you know was only in the past? What does it feel when you are struggling to reminiscence the life you had with someone, but the person is not existing in present? What are the reasons people are leaving this world? Why does this world challenge ourselves and our emotions? 

That time Setsuko was finding her mother, she sought for the warm hugs of her. She wanted to see her, she wanted to make her back and she wanted her in her life. She just wishes that there is nothing happening to her, that the home they cherished will be again. It was so hard for her to expect that your loved one will go back, that everything is going to be okay but all of it was twisted. Despite this, Seita is the one who carried all of the pain and cries in their hearts. He did not know what to do if his sister knew the truth, the truth that their mother died and he is the only one who can explain why the world and reality is to Setsuko. 

All of the bombs and raids in their home when the world is fighting for its peace, is nothing compared to the crash in your heart when someone is gone. Then Seita, faces the war in himself by taking all of the sadness with numbness for the good of Setsuko. Until, he loses the only one left in his life with all of the enlightenment how life and death takes place. And, these are the two faces of my childhood. 

When I was a child, I was with my grandparents. They are the one who take care of me when my parents are not around. They bathe me, they prepare foods for me and they serve as like my parents. Lolo and I were always together when he would bet on Lotto, he would give me siomai as a token of waiting for him. I remember when we waited for customers in our small shop and while he was sleeping, I would take the chance to sneak out biscuits from the stall. 

He was part of my childhood, he teaches me how to dance and have some masculine manners in a funny way. He said at that time, “Your Lola is so cold-hearted, she doesn't want me to play Lotto and she was so thrifty.” then I realized I had never been too close to my Lola, maybe because of her distinctivity. I know that my grandparents are both kind and humble, it's just a mere fact that they are unlike each other that is why. 

There are times that I would see my Lolo mimicked Lola because of her personality, she was gardening and we are at the shop. I will laugh and join them in that moment. It was the best moment of my life, seeing these two people existing in my eyes and in my world. I can’t imagine what my life will be, if the time comes that God will take them.

All of the sorrows will come in life and you need to handle these to conquer the thorns in your heart. In 2008. Lolo is slowly getting by his age. His immunity and bones are becoming weaker, he needs a walker and wheelchair in order to walk and transport. At that age, I am just 7 years old and I don't know what’s happening. We visited Lolo in the hospital and I slept beside him before going home and I said “Pagaling ka Lolo, gagala pa po tayo ‘di ba po?”. It was the only thing I remember before he was admitted to the ICU. I really do not know what was happening to my Lolo, my family said I can’t go to him that I am not allowed to. 

I miss my Lolo so much and I can’t do anything to make him feel better and happy. I bought a teddy bear and I wanted to give it to him, so it would be like me that will take care and hug him if he is struggling and hopeless. Yes I wasn’t there but this would be. Day passed by, I was at the outside of the ICU.I’m just seeing him with the glass, the barrier for me and him, he was just sleeping and having rest, that is what they said and that is what I think. 

Yet the world is really unpredictable, I was holding the teddy bear and they are giving me a mask then a doctor appeared and said “You can visit your Lolo inside.” I hesitate to go inside, I keep saying “No no I am scared”. All of the sudden I was thinking at my age right now, what came in my mind before, that I denied having the chance to be with my Lolo again. Until I woke up and I saw all of my family were at the house already. I asked them “Where is Lolo?” then they said “Lolo is gone”. I didn’t cry that time, because my mind is not yet functioning, but myself is crying at the moment putting the bear I bought into Lolo’s grave. 

I cry yet I asked. Myself is wondering where Lolo is going? Why does that happen? Why didn't I do the last chance? Why do people leave this world? Does reality is all about its starting point and ending? How can I know if I still do not know myself and life?

It was 2016, when Lola reflected on what I saw last seven years ago. Now I fully understand what life is, my consciousness is already within me. I can see how Lola defends herself to her sickness just to make us feel loved and she would stay for us. From the day she lost her appetite and to the day she was bidding goodbye through our eyes. No words, just the presence of her and the last warmth of hugs to us. It was midnight and we hurry to the hospital and I realize how tired she is fighting the struggle of her age, the machine stops its sounds and all of the sudden my Lola closed her eyes. This time, I cry and I know she is not sleeping because she will rest without the struggles, pain, and challenges. She is now fully peaceful and happy in their place with Lolo. 

When I lose these two people I have regrets and things I failed to do. I haven’t grabbed the chance to know what really happened to Lolo, I failed to say my last goodbye and I love you to Lolo and I didn’t see the importance of time and existence. I would say it was Lolo when I was a child, I still cannot see that Lola is important too, even though she loves us and she is just different and a unique grandmother. Lolo left to let me know that I love Lola, to let her feel how much I love her like him, despite misunderstanding and opposites personalities. It was lost for a chance and it was from unconsciousness to consciousness. 

I know that being familiar with what you see is more difficult than knowing nothing. I felt I was missing around the world when that situation of Lolo came in my life and I carried the sadness and lost when Lola chose to go with Lolo. If I were given a chance to choose what side of enlightenment I will pick, I won’t choose anything. These two sides of my childhood make me face what reality can do to you, that you should give your best hugs and kisses to your loved ones, because we didn't know. Changes really occur fast and it’s up to you on how you can spend those chances for treasurable moments. And now I know what the world is. 

[joonsgalaxy]

true care (m) |06

→ pairing: bodyguard!Jungkook x female reader

→ genre: fake dating au, fluff/romance, angst, (smut. not in this chap tho)

→ word count: 5,7 k

•  summary: your (endearingly) shy bodyguard—hired by your father—would do anything for you. even though you roll your eyes at his persistence and pretend there’s no need for him to follow you to every and any place you go, there might be many more hazards in your life than you let on. and you might end up needing him in more ways than you—or your father—would ever think.

! warnings: mentions of toxic past relationship throughout the series; mentions of alcohol

the series masterlist is in my bio

↠ chapter 6: does it look like i know what i’m doing?

It is rather easy to forget about mundane things from your past. Even more so, when these things had occurred at least 17 years ago. But a child’s excitement and innocence can turn the most dull and basic events into something beautiful and worth remembering, painted with the brightest colours that fade as one begins to realize the reality of them; then an adult’s hopelessness and cynicism starts to comprehend those memories as something devastating and more or less heart-breaking.

You could still remember the smell in the kitchen, exuded from the pots on the stove. And you could still recall the sunray beaming in through the window that would be wiped clean by the house maid three times a week.

‘Mommy, is daddy going to eat dinner with us?’

Your mother, who, at that time, seemed to be the most beautiful and powerful woman in the world to you, threw three handfuls of chickpeas into a pan and let herself think for a moment. ‘No, honey, I don’t think so.’

‘Why not?’

She sighed in a way a child wouldn’t be able to understand the true meaning behind it. Then, she smiled. ‘He’s working late so we could buy more of those chickpeas that you enjoy so much, love.’

.

‘____.’

You snapped out of your daze. Your grandmother was staring at you with concern in her eyes. ‘You haven’t even touched your chickpea stew. Is everything alright?’

‘Everything’s fine.’ Except for the fact that you were at the restaurant with your family and you couldn’t even focus on the dinner or simple conversations—the whole time your mind was elsewhere. It felt as though there were too many distracting things happening in your life and you were losing control over all of them.

‘Are you sure?’ Your grandfather asked. You felt like you were put under the spotlight.

‘Yup, I’m just not that hungry.’

‘Maybe you’re ill?’ Your father chimed in.

Maybe you’re keeping secrets from me and that makes me lose my appetite.

You just gave a shrug.

After a moment of contemplation, your family resumed their conversation about some company that was about to go bankrupt.

The food in front of you didn’t look appetizing. You already wanted to leave.

Some kind of strange force made you look over your shoulder. Two bodyguards in elegant suits were sitting behind one of the tables, not far from your own. Your father’s bodyguard was talking on the phone; Jeongguk was watching other patrons of the restaurant, vigilant eyes scanning the place for any kind of unusual activity. One of his hands was on the surface of the table, fingers lightly dancing upon it.

His eyes locked with yours.

A rush of warmth surged through your body, and you averted your gaze.

Images of the night before flooded in. Jeongguk panting, biting his lip, doing everything you told him to. Oh, what a sinful night it had been. For that exact reason you were trying to forget about it, to imagine it had never actually happened. The act was highly inappropriate, vulgar, unprofessional. It simply couldn’t occur. You were 100% certain Jeongguk wanted to forget about it as much as you did.

You’d pretend nothing ever happened and you’d be alright.

‘Darling,’ you heard your grandmother say, ‘I was meaning to ask you, why did you break up with Kwangsun? He’ll be a great engineer someday.’

‘We just weren’t made for each other.’

She scoffed softly. She never believed in soulmates, or fate or anything of that sort. Not that you wholeheartedly believed in it, but it was clear Kwangsun and you weren’t meant to be.

Your grandmother always used to think that if you try hard enough to keep a relationship alive, it worked. She probably thought you didn’t try hard enough. The truth was, you did. You let lots of things slide; then you tried honest communication, but eventually it got too much to a point where you couldn’t take it anymore.

‘Now you’re hanging out with those artists, dancers, painters. What kind of future do you see for yourself?’

You scowled. ‘I’m not a sixteen-year-old.’

‘You sure do act like one,’ your grandmother said.

That was why you had to mentally prepare for these family dinners. They saw you as someone they could mould a perfect person from.

You exhaled to calm yourself. It helped you just by the tiniest bit.

‘I watched your father ruin his personal life by making mistakes I want to protect you from—

‘If he hadn’t made those mistakes I wouldn’t have been born.’

If truth be told, you were always wondering if your parents were truly in love at some point. You wondered whether the differences between them were the main cause for the divorce. You never really talked about it with your dad.

You grandfather’s face crumbled in what could had been interpreted as regret. Regret for not interrupting the conversation in time. You knew your grandmother wasn’t talking about you as a mistake, but hearing her talk about your parents like that broke your heart into a million fragile pieces.

Your grandmother exhaled slowly. ‘That’s not what I meant—

‘Let’s change the subject,’ your father chimed in. ‘We’ve been through this one too many times.’

Your grandmother started rearranging cutlery on the table as though it helped to put her thoughts together. ‘Fine,’ she said softly. ‘Just let me tell you one more thing, dear.’ Her eyes were back on you. ‘You should seriously consider dating Kim Seokjin.’

You almost choked on air and died right there and then. She was being ridiculous. ‘Oh, just how my dad’s dating his mom, right? That would be quite a family.’

All three of your family members looked rather stunned, completely puzzled.

‘What?’ Your grandparents directed their questions toward your father. Apparently, they had no idea.

‘Well, at least one of us can date without their parents’ knowledge,’ you murmured.

Your dad stuttered, cleared his throat. ‘I, uh… It’s nothing serious. And I shouldn’t be explaining myself, anyways. I’m an adult. Been one for quite some time now.’

‘But…’ Your grandmother looked crestfallen. ‘Seokjin and—

‘She will never date him, drop that already.’

Maybe this was the right time to get your father talking. ‘So why did you introduce him to me?’

He shrugged, nonchalantly answering, ‘he’s a nice guy; might be your step-brother someday.’

You stared at him for a moment, ruminating on what he’d said. He was joking, right? ‘Wait, you said it’s nothing serious.’

Your dad, scratching the back of his head, drew his gaze toward your grandparents, then to the food in front of him; he did not know what to say.

Not only he didn’t let you know about his love life before, but he was also hiding the fact that you might be calling someone your step-brother soon, which, truthfully, seemed a huge fucking deal to you, for you were a single child. God… what else was he hiding from you?

Not one person behind the table managed to think of something to say. In that kind of awkward silence, all of you got back to finishing the dinner. To finishing the glasses of wine, to be precise. All of you seemed to need a drink or two after that kind of conversation. Your grandfather waved for the waiter to bring a bottle of red.

Chopin’s soft music and indistinct chatter of other patrons sneaked into your head and seemed to get louder and louder by the passing second. The quieter it was at your own table the harsher the sounds in the restaurant grew. It was deafening.

With a pounding heart you glanced over your shoulder. Jeongguk’s eyes were already on you. Meeting his gaze made your heart hammer even faster. It was like the booming thunder in the sky after a hot spring day. And somehow, in a very odd way, in the midst of that chaos, the skies with all these cracking threads looked absolutely beautiful.

It was confusing. It was too much.

‘Excuse me.’ You pushed to your feet and started toward the ladies’ room.

.

You welcomed the silence in the restroom. It was nice. You were alone, only surrounded by framed mirrors, painted walls and floral scent.

You washed your hands thoroughly just to have something to do and then stared at your reflection in the mirror. Were you truly making a mistake by hanging out with people without degrees in law, medicine or economics? Was hanging out with them even on the table anymore? You and Mina got into a fight and still weren’t talking to each other. After the fight, the world seemed to start crumbling. Piece by piece, cracking with thunderous booms, falling apart and disappearing into nothingness.

How does your future look like? What kind of people are in it?

You heard a knock from the other side of the door. It was odd. Usually people didn’t knock; there were three unoccupied toilet stalls inside.

You saw the door open, revealing your bodyguard. Was something wrong? Did something happen to your father or your grandparents? Were you supposed to run or hide?

It’s rather fascinating how people’s minds can create thousands of possible scenarios in just mere seconds.

Jeongguk stepped inside gingerly, closed the door behind him. You watched him with curious eyes, a pounding heart and legs ready to sprint.

However, he didn’t look like he was in a rush. Quite the opposite—the boy seemed to be in thought as if crafting some sort of a plan, careful and collected.

‘You okay?’ He asked.

Wait… so he was just checking up on you?

What could you have possibly told him? He wasn’t your therapist. Probably not even your friend, if you think about it. The less he knows the better. You’d already shared too much with him.

‘You can’t be here,’ you said, an almost tangible wall high and uncrackable rising around you.

‘Just wanted to make sure—

‘It’s a women’s bathroom.’

‘I know,’ Jeongguk said, nodding, seemingly unfazed.

Quite bold of him to come in there. For you. That tugged at your heartstrings, but you decided to ignore the feeling.

A corner of his lips twitched upwards and he strolled to one of the mirrors right beside you. He looked at his own reflection. You looked at it too. Jeongguk was handsome, even if his features sometimes appeared to be soft. He had bright eyes, healthy hair that framed his face perfectly, that kind of nose that you’d want to boop, and a jaw that you’d want to lick.

He fixed his tie, smoothed his hands down his suit jacket. It was a different one than he wore on Friday night during the event, but looked extremely good nonetheless.

‘There’s always food poisoning, you know.’ He was readjusting the ends of his sleeves while talking.

‘Huh?’

‘I could help you fake it.’

‘Oh. Thanks for the offer, but I’ll be alright. I’m used to this.’

‘You seemed pretty upset back there,’ Jeongguk wondered out loud, glancing at you in the mirror.

When you locked eyes, your heart skipped a beat. Since when did he and his concern have such an effect on you? You felt a little shy and awkward. Perhaps because of the night before, or maybe because of your family making you feel like a child.

‘You know you’re supposed to be observing what’s around me, not me.’

Jeongguk hesitated for a moment, then lowered his gaze and started washing his hands scrupulously. He shrugged. ‘There’s time for both.’

Turning to face the door, you expertly hid the smile that was starting to creep up on your lips.

Leaving your bodyguard to dry his hands, you stepped out of the restroom. On the way back to your table, it seemed as though every person in the restaurant was watching you, seeing right through you, right through the mask you’d put on yourself to conceal the vulnerable you. It was like everyone there knew what your family thought of you. Every single person at their reserved table were completely aware of the differences you and your family had. You were the black sheep.

.

At times, when you were alone, a suffocating feeling would slither up on you, clogging your mind, filling it with endless memories and theories. It seemed like it would never stop. You thought about Mina and Yoongi; you wondered about Jeongguk and his opinion about you (even if you tried not to); you couldn’t cease the thoughts about your father and his secrets. It was rather difficult to stay in your room and try not to go mad from all the intrusive thoughts. The walls decorated with photographs and paintings appeared to glide closer and closer toward you; the oxygen seemed to be sucked out.

On Saturday, when a whole week had gone by since the dinner at the restaurant, after spending the whole morning like that, you decided you had to get out of the house.

.

‘Which one of the rides you wanna go on the most?’ asked Jeongguk with an almost childlike spark in his eye.

There was a fair in the city, and while usually you wouldn’t even be considering going there, now it seemed to be the only decent option for you to choose. These kind places were supposed to get people in a better mood, right? Jeongguk, of course, had to come along for obvious reasons. Though, as you strolled around the fair you didn’t really see him as a bodyguard, for he wasn’t keeping a certain distance and walking behind or in front of you, and he wasn’t silent as bodyguards usually are. You saw him as a friend that kept you company, and you were angry with yourself for it.

‘Actually, I don’t want to go on any rides.’

‘Oh?’ Jeongguk looked a little surprised. ‘So why are we here then?’

‘Can’t we just stroll around?’

‘It’s a fair, though,’ he wasn’t about to capitulate. ‘C’mon, there’s gotta be something you want to do besides the strolling.’ He was looking at you with expectant eyes, waiting for an answer, but—

‘Nope.’ You shook your head and picked up your pace.

Jeongguk, falling a couple of steps behind you, breathed, ‘Oh… Don’t tell me you’re scared.’

‘Pfft,’ you scoffed, keeping your pace.

‘Oh my god, you are!’

‘Am not!’

‘Okay, then…’ He caught up with you and touched your arm gently in an attempt of getting your attention. ‘Let’s go on this ride.’

You looked at the direction he tilted his head toward. ‘What, that one?’ You asked puzzled.

‘Yeah, why not?’

‘It’s a children’s ride.’

‘So what? Oh, you’re afraid of even a children’s ri—

‘Certainly not.’

Jeongguk crossed his arms over his chest. ‘Then prove me.’

‘I don’t have to prove you anything.’

He chuckled softly, glancing to the side.

‘Live a little.’

Whoa, he’s really going there, huh?

Just a week prior you said those exact words to him, encouraging him to commit a sinful act in the back of your lexus. To be quite honest, it would be much easier to push your pants down in front of all those people roaming around than to go on a rollercoaster ride. Though, this one didn’t seem that extreme. There were huge teacups with seats spinning around in a considerably manageable speed.

Jeongguk’s cheeks were dusted in pink as you glared at him. He looked embarrassed as if regretting saying the phrase, or just remembering it was the same thing you’d said to him before.

‘Um, I mean, there’s no line there and—

‘Stop babbling.’ You pushed through him. ‘I’m going.’

.

‘Would you say I’m as sweet as sugar?’ Jeongguk asked you with a little grin that was about to break wide open. He was like a child uttering the first part of a joke he had heard in school.

You didn’t know what he was talking about. ‘What?’

‘You know,’ he said, smiling, gesturing around you two, ‘we’re in a tea cup. I’m the sugar, you’re the tea.’

You snorted. Not because it was a good joke, quite the opposite, actually. What a dork. A cute one, though. ‘And what kind of tea am I?’

‘…black? Because—’

‘Let me guess. Because I’m bitter?’

‘Uhh… Oh, look! I think it’s time.’

As you were glaring at your bodyguard, the cups started moving. On any other occasion he wouldn’t get away with that shitty joke, but now you had other things to worry about. Like the world spinning around you as though you were drunk off your mind.

Kids were shrieking in joy, cheering and laughing; you were holding your breath and strangling the safety bar in front of your belly.

‘This is so much fun, isn’t it?’ Asked Jeongguk, seated right beside you. There wasn’t a lot of space between you and him.

‘Sure.’ You were hoping he didn’t notice how strained your voice was.

‘Whoo!’ He laughed as the cups picked up their speed.

How was this a kids’ ride? Were children now being born with an immunity to dizziness? Well, you certainly didn’t have that kind of gift. Your body felt too heavy; it didn’t like the abrupt movements; and your head felt full of vomit.

‘Oof, careful,’ Jeongguk giggled after your side bumped rather harshly into his.

Goddamnit.

After all the cups stopped and children started whining about it, with shaky legs you staggered out of the teacup, still feeling as though you just got off a plane ride with an open window.

‘Never again…’ you mumbled to yourself.

‘What was that?’ Jeongguk asked.

‘I said I’m hungry. You know what? Let’s go get some cotton candy.’

.

Jeongguk was munching on the last bite of his pink cotton candy as his feet stepped timidly into the little cabin in the west side of the fair.

He wouldn’t say he believed in that stuff 100%, but he was open to it. This world had lots of mysterious things in it, but one thing was for sure—some people had a gift. It might be an excellent skill at bullshitting, or, in rare cases, it may be the astounding ability to see far more than the ordinary people could.

He had never been to a psychic before, so as he was looking around the room, his heartrate picked up. Not only because the lady behind the antique-looking table could know something Jeongguk wouldn’t wish to share with anyone, but also because perhaps she was about to reveal something new about you. That excited him.

If someone asked him how he imagined a psychic’s room to look like, this would be it. The small place had a mystical aura to it. And yet it wasn’t too witchy, wasn’t too much. The decorations were rather subtle. He guessed, the energy itself was overwhelming, not the sitting things around room. But perhaps it was his mind playing tricks on him. Like when someone asks out of nowhere "doesn't your head hurt?" and suddenly you become aware of any tiny sensation in your skull. Though, when he got a glimpse of your face, he somehow knew you were feeling the same way.

'Hello there,' the psychic greeted you both with a soft, even velvety voice that in a way managed to calm Jeongguk's nerves a little. 'Have a seat.' She graciously motioned toward the two armchairs across the table from where she was seated.

On the table, the little fire of a candle flickered as your bodies created a flow of air as you both did what she asked you to. There were a few decks of cards near the lady's hands, and when Jeongguk sat down he noticed they were rather used, and slightly folded at the edges, the design on the back of them starting to fade. She must be experienced.

Why was Jeongguk so nervous? He fidgeted with the wooden stick that he still had after eating the cotton candy. That was a mistake; now his hands were all sticky and gross.

'So, what brings you here?' The psychic's smile was lovely.

Jeongguk saw you give a shrug. 'Curiosity?' You said.

'Ahh. “Curiosity is the lust of the mind”. Thomas Hobbes. So... would you say that you trust your mind more than your heart?'

The boy has always wondered about people like this lady. Were they actually super smart and had read a lot, or had they prepared for certain situations by memorizing a few quotes just to look smart?

The question was directed at you, but Jeongguk couldn't stop himself from thinking how he'd answer it. During his military training he had learned to calculate every step carefully, trusting his mind and its logic. But if truth be told, personally he thinks trusting your heart and intuition isn't less important or less helpful. At the end of the day, love will save this world, right?

'Uh...' you tried to think of an answer, maybe a truthful one or perhaps one that the lady would like, but you didn't get to say anything else before the psychic took one of the decks in her hands with a delicate touch, starting to shuffle the cards.

'Let's see...' she said. 

Okay, whew, you'll be the experimental bunny here, not Jeongguk.

As the psychic was placing the cards onto the table slowly, one at a time, you turned to Jeongguk and offered him a little, hesitant smile. Then you lifted one of your palms up, mouthing "sticky". Apparently he wasn't the only one fiddling with the stick with sugar remnants on it. The boy gave you a nod and a genuine smile.

'I see lots of contemplation,' the psychic began, drawing Jeongguk's attention to her. 'Lots of worrying. Your mind is all scattered. You can't focus.' She was inspecting the cards scrupulously, glancing at your face from time to time, sometimes taking a longer look as if trying to read something written in your eyes. Perhaps there exists a story you're not willing to tell anyone. Maybe the psychic will be able to uncover it and get a glimpse of what you're hiding from the world. Jeongguk would listen about it and cherish that information as if it were secrets of his own.

'There's... hurt. There's pain. You're not able to forgive and forget. There will be more confusion in the near future, more fight between the mind and your heart. But! Happy times are coming; you just have to trust your heart more. Trust the world more.'

You scoffed at that, avoiding eye contact with the lady.

She simply smiled.

'There was a man in your life. Not that long ago. Completely not your type. Why did you date him?' The psychic's brows furrowed, she looked utterly confused, the tiniest bit of amused.

'Uh... I don't know what you're talking about. I wouldn't date someone I didn't like.'

The lady tilted her head to the side, gazing at you sceptically.

You shifted in your seat.

The air around you shifted as well, when the psychic gave you a personal advice. ‘You don’t need him close to you. Cut him off completely.’

‘Well, I’m trying. Uh, I mean…’ You exhaled a heavy breath in defeat.

The lady did know how to push the buttons, apparently. She smiled to herself in victory.

‘You know, if you open your heart there’s love waiting for you.’

At that sentence, you crossed your arms in front of you defensively. ‘Maybe I don’t need love.’

‘Oh, you do, dear. Who doesn’t need it?’

Jeongguk couldn’t know for sure if the woman was a fraud or had an exceptional intuition, but he was certain of one thing—she struck a chord in you. You seemed to be irritated; and to Jeongguk, it seemed to be pretty fair, for when a person has their mind on something entirely different in life and another is insisting that they need love, it surely will annoy the shit out of them. Even if the psychic was saying the truth, it must had been rather difficult for you to capitulate and admit that she was. Letting someone know they unravelled your deepest, concealed needs wasn’t something you’d easily agree to do.

‘There’s a man in your life that you’re starting to trust, but you clearly have some self-destructive tendencies that might ruin it for you.’

‘You know what?’ Rushed words flooded the room. ‘It was really nice to meet you, but we’re going already. Goodbye.’

.

‘Oh, let me get that for you.’

You were rather irritated after the visit to the psychic’s little cabin, shaky fingers couldn’t properly grasp the bundle of keys you were carrying, therefore you heard a soft thud next to your right foot. Jeongguk leaned down to get them for you. ‘Thanks,’ you mumbled as he was gripping them.

Jeongguk grunted in what seemed to be sheer pain and grabbed his side where his ribs were protecting his insides. It was definitely not the side that you bumped into during the rollercoaster ride.

‘What’s up?’

‘Nothing,’ he said, straightening himself back up, hand reaching out, open palm offering you the keys.

‘That didn’t look like nothing.’

He shrugged. ‘I bumped into something.’ That wasn’t convincing, to say the least.

‘With … your stomach?’ He was avoiding eye contact like a bad liar. Why would he lie about it? Was there an embarrassing story behind it? Did he get into a fight?

‘...yeah.’

‘Would you be surprised if I told you I don’t believe you?’

A sigh. ‘I’m in a good shape, it doesn’t interfere with my ability to do my job well and protect you if there’s a need for it.’

‘Yeah, okay, I don’t doubt it but … alright, it’s not my business.’

Jeongguk seemed to exhale lighter after the words you have uttered. He started walking. ‘So... the psychic managed to get into your head, huh?’

‘No, not at all.’ You caught up to him.

‘Wasn’t she saying the truth? It seemed like —‘

‘Pfft, no. Besides, she could’ve googled me under that table of hers. Like you did.’ You cut him off.

He looked at you, ‘So she was right.’

‘What? No, —‘

‘You think she could’ve googled your love life?’

There seemed to be something boiling in your veins. Of course the psychic was right; well, at least some of her words rang a bell, but that was certainly none of Jeongguk’s business. ‘You know what?’ You stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, other people almost bumping into you, trying to awkwardly pass by. The bodyguard stood still, facing you. ‘You work for me. You should know your boundaries; you are clearly crossing the line here, talking about me and my personal–‘

‘Uhm, don’t you think that line has already been crossed?’

The air around you seemed to change as though a mist of heaviness settled on you both, making it hard to speak. The people rushing around you seemed to disappear completely. It was clear to you what he was talking about. Undeniably, he was referring to the night he jerked himself off to your words and your light yet sinful touches. Yes, the lines were crossed then, but you were praying to God this memory would fade soon. Very soon. You were hoping you’d never have to talk about it with Jeongguk.

What happened that night in the back of that car shouldn’t have happened. It was utterly wrong. And the man, who was standing now before you, as his rosy cheeks were getting a shade darker, made you feel as though you were trapped in a cell while Jeongguk was narrating his side of the story at the witness stand. This was a complete debacle. The implication of your bodyguard’s words wrapped tightly around your throat, making it difficult for you to breathe and to think properly.

Even if he was genuinely hoping to address the situation, to talk it out, or pretend like it’s kind of a no big deal, you wanted nothing to do with it. You wished that night had never happened.

After collecting your thoughts, and a couple of rather slow inhales, as calmly ass possible, you said, ‘You’re right. Too many lines have been crossed.’

Jeongguk gazed at you with questions in his eyes.

Knowing what was best for you both, you continued, ‘From now on you talk to me only when the topic concerns your job. No personal stuff. No “there’s time for both”. Do you understand?’

Subtly, a few different emotions washed over his face as you talked, then his face got completely solemn. ‘Yes, miss, I do,’ he answered compliantly.

‘Perfect. Now call my driver.’

.

‘So, how’s the apartment hunting going?’

When the driver stopped the car in front of your house, your father was getting ready to climb into his own car. Before he could do that, he decided to stroll up to your lexus. Jeongguk got out to say hello.

‘Pretty well I would say,’ he answered your dad’s question with a cheerful yet deferential tone. ‘I think I found the one.’

‘Oh, that’s great news! When are you moving in?’

‘In a few days, it seems.’

‘Lovely. Well, I hope this place won’t disappoint you.’

‘Me too, sir.’

You were listening to the conversation, trying to be not too obvious by crouching down to fix your shoelaces.

Your dad turned to you. ‘Did you have a good time?’

‘I guess.’

Even though a whole week had gone by after the family dinner, the tension between you and him hadn’t dissipated at all. Every time you crossed paths it was rather awkward to look into each other’s eyes and pretend everything was alright. Clearly, it wasn’t. Of course, you could talk to him about it, but you didn’t know what to say. You didn’t even know how you were supposed to feel about the whole thing. It still hurt that your dad had been hiding such a fact from you. And you were already imagining the awkward moments of when you get to properly meet Kim Seokjin’s mother.

Jeongguk, as you both watched your dad get into his range rover, said, ‘I meant to tell you.’

Not sparing a glance over his side, you nonchalantly asked, ‘Meant to tell me what?’

‘About moving into another apartment.’

You had to act cold. That was the plan now. ‘Why would I need to know that?’

‘I took your advice.’

To be completely frank, you barely managed to supress the smile that was itching to plaster your lips. And you cursed yourself for that.

You could still remember the night you two talked about it. You still recalled saying he deserved to live in a nice and safe place. You didn’t say anything to him now, though. Again—not your business.

He hesitated, then timidly said, ‘I’m going to adopt Sunny.’

The statement forced you to look at him. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah.’

There was a smile forming upon your lips and this time you didn’t care much if he noticed it or not. The news were probably the first thing that week that made you this happy.

Jeongguk had a warm look in his eyes. ‘The new place is pet friendly. There’s a dog park nearby. I think she’ll really love it.’

‘I bet she will.’ You nodded. ‘That’s... that’s really great.’

Needless to say, walking to your front door you kept on grinning. Sure, you knew it was better not to share personal stuff with each other, but this was different. This concerned not only Jeongguk, but Sunny as well. She was the sweetest dog and deserved the warmest home. You were certain Jeongguk was able to grant her that.

.

Inside the house, various thoughts concerning Mina, Kwangsun, your dad and Jeongguk rushed to your mind as though the ceilings there pressed down and forced everything to simmer inside like a can quaking in a microwave. Shit. The psychic was definitely right about this part.

You had to do something. You had to make a list and prioritize things. Solve the problems one by one.

But what could you do now, at home, with not a single person that caused the problems around you? Talking to Mina through phone wouldn’t do much good. Jeongguk—the last thing on the list. The best plan to solve the odd Kwangsun situation? No plan at all. You should ignore him until he moves on. You move on.

Your dad. What should you do about that? He’s at work, or some place related to work. You could only try to come up with things you want to ask him, prepare for an interrogation. Why didn’t you tell me? Are you in love? Did you ever love my mom? Kim Seokjin as my step-brother? Doesn’t that sound crazy to you? And what else are you hiding from me? Would he be truthful with you? Would he still treat you like a child?

An insane thought popped into your head. An utterly ridiculous idea that was so insisting and so convincing that you couldn’t help but eventually give in.

You must be really desperate for answers if you’re really cracking open the door to your dad’s office inside the house and stepping into the little room that was purely your dad.

What were you expecting to find? You had no idea at all. Perhaps, deep inside, you wished you wouldn’t find anything suspicious. He was your dad, for fuck’s sake. He was the person you should be the closest to.

It was silent there, squeaky clean. There was a bookshelf that held your father’s collection of antique books, but the table in the middle of the room held the most of your attention. It had drawers. Four of them on each side. That’s where you’d look. That’s where you’d find something saying about your dad more than you’d ever known. Well, at least it would be the start of it.

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? No one does.

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? My grandmother. I’d just love to be able to spend some time with her again, hear her voice and her laugh, hug her, and tell her I love her. 

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? Losing my maternal grandparents and my dog, Brandie, to name a few.

4. How would you describe your current mood? I’m having a flare up and I’m tired.

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? Who knows. That’s not an uncommon occurrence. 

6. What was the last thing you lied about? I don’t recall.

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? Virgin here, but I’m pretty sure a bed would be perfectly fine.

8. What is your earliest memory? I have some vague memories of preschool.

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? No. Or at all anymore.

10. What type of a drunk are you? I feel like it made me annoying and chatty. I also ended up feeling sad and lonely later on.

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? There’s several.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? A few years ago when I told Ty how I felt. He told me liked me, too. Nothing ever came of it, though.

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? When a friend was in the hospital a few years ago.

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? I go through the motions. 

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? I’ve only smoked weed. That’s the only thing I’ll ever do.

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? I have a lot of those...

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? So, according to some Google searches here are a few qualities of a good person: Honest, empathetic, loyal, cooperation (works well with others), authenticity, creativity (in the sense that you’re openminded and think outside the box, creative in coming up with solutions), passionate (do things wholeheartedly, give it your all), resilience, sensitive (compassionate and sensitive towards the feelings, struggles, and needs of others), and insight. Based on this, I think I possess some of these qualities and fall short/lack others.

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? I just...keep going.

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? My pets are family. As far as other animals, while I’m not a vegetarian or vegan, I still believe they should be treated in a humane way and with compassion. There’s no reason to be cruel, such as abusing them or keeping them in harsh conditions. 

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? For most of this year I haven’t been going to bed until like 7 or 8AM. On a few occasions it was a little later or I ended up staying up the whole day somehow. I don’t know wth is wrong with my sleep schedule, but it’s really off track. For someone who is always tired, I sure don’t sleep very much.

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? Neglect myself and ignore things, not take care of myself like I should. I’ve caused a lot of problems that way. As for someone else... use me, play with my emotions, made me feel like trash.

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? I don’t know. I share a lot in these surveys.

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? I was/am a mess and pushed everyone away, completely withdrawing and distancing myself. I just cut myself off from everyone outside of my family. I’m not even close with cousins that I was very close with throughout my life anymore. 

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? I dwell a lot on my mistakes and regrets. I’m harsh and unforgiving towards myself.

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? No one yells at me.

26. Where did your last injury come from? It’s been awhile since I’ve had any injuries. Not any new ones, anyway.

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? I don’t have the experience to really know, but I feel like I’d be super bland haha.

28. What are you like during arguments? I shut down pretty quickly.

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? Probably not saying anything at all and completely ghosting my friends who totally did nothing to deserve it.

30. Where do you like to be kissed? Lips and neck.

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? Looking people in the eye, especially during serious conversations, is really hard for me. I give eye contact, but I look away or down and fidget with my fingers or something in my hand. I also have a very hard time expressing myself well.

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? Blehhh.

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? My mom. I’d tell her I love her and to tell the rest of my family I love them, too.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? My parents and brother would definitely know. I don’t know how I’d go about telling other family members. I would be an absolute mess, but I’d spend all that time with my loved ones, sharing memories, telling them how much I love them, thanking them, telling them anything else I want to say to them. I’d also be doing a lot of praying.

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? Uh, what are the choices?

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? I absolutely would. I can’t swim myself, but I’d try to find help and call 911. I’d make sure they were rescued.

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? Uh, I’d rather not be hurt by anyone if possible.

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? My best friend is my mom...

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? Can they have more than just an hour?

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? No.

41. Does love = sex? Not always.

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? I mean, as of now I still with my family so if that were still the case in this scenario, then I’d be okay because I’m fortunate that my family can provide the necessities. I wouldn’t have to worry about not being able to afford food and things like that. I don’t have kids to worry about either like this person does. I also receive disability. In other words, I would be okay and be able to look for something else in the meantime if need be.

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? I had a serious conversation not too long ago with my mom with some things I was struggling with. It’s difficult for me to express myself and how I’m feeling with anyone, no matter how close I am to them. I just struggle with what to say. I feel like I don’t explain or get my point across very well. I also don’t like the focus and attention one. I don’t like discussing serious things about myself. I also don’t want to burden people with my problems or worry them. I downplay things or keep a lot to myself, so for me to open up like that it takes a lot.

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? Telling them I love them, but telling them I don’t would be hard as well because I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone.

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? I’m gonna go with something not so deep and serious and say coffee. I really do need my coffee, though. I don’t want to have to go without it.

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? My mom.

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? How my doctor appointment went last month. I had to meet with a new doctor who I don’t like and I wish the appointment went better. I wish I was able to express myself and explain things better, but I just felt intimidated and uncomfortable. I thought of a lot of things I wanted to say after the fact. I wish I could be a little more assertive.

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? Good thing I’m never alone at night cause I’d be freaking out to say the least. Good thing I have a dog, too. In this hypothetical situation, though, I’m not sure why my family isn’t here, but I’d be calling 911 and my family right away. 

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? I don’t know CPR. I would try to get them help right away and call 911.

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? I hate these questions. 

51. Are you old fashioned? In some ways.

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? I like doing things for people because I want to.

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? True love.

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? I’d have good health.

55. What was the last thing you ate? Ramen.

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? Personality is the most important thing.

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? Some middle school drama.

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex for?

59. What reality shows do you watch? Catfish, The Voice, Teen Mom OG, Teen Mom 2, KUWTK, Total Bellas...

60. Post a video of yourself here: No.

61. Where do you work? I don’t.

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? I’ve gone up to cars thinking it was mine and reached for the handle, but thankfully quickly realized it wasn’t my car. lol.

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? Boxlunch and Hot Topic.

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? I don’t know.

65. What’s your most irrational fear? I have plenty.

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? It’s been a few years since I’ve listened to the radio. I only listen to Spotify for music, even in the car.

67. What kind of music do they have?

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? I mean, both would be amazing.

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? I like some of them.

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? Who knows or even when that’ll be an option given the state of things. I miss going to concerts, though. It’s been over 10 years since my last concert.

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? About the episode of Ratched we had just finished watching last night.

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? No. Not to say I don’t like hugs, though. However, I know people who hug everyone, even if they’ve just met, and that’s not me. 

[aspiestvmusings]

Personal, unpopular opinion on grief [ZEP S1 EDITION]

TRIGGER WARNING FOR SENSITIVE TOPICS: GRIEF & DEATH OF LOVED ONES. DO NOT READ IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT NOT HANDLE READING ABOUT SUCH TOPICS. 

This post was inspired by ZEP (”Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist” & the Season  1 storyline...that is related to Zoey’s dad, Mitch & what’s we all knew would happen..soon/in the S1 finale. His death. And the grief..,      other characters feelings about what’s to come and (now) what’s happened. 

In this post I will discuss some of the things related to grief that the show/storyline (creator, writers) talk about, and that the cast talk about. How they talk about grief. And I will discuss some of the things related to death & grief...from my personal experience.  

But first, I'd like to start with a few important points: 

1. All humans (and all fictional characters) are different. So we all process things differently & act differently...in same/similar situations. This also applies to grief and grieving, and feelings about life & death. These characters way of dealing with grief is “valid”, and so is mine. But its just strange that only one POV seems to be represented on the show...mostly (and yes, we see it all through Zoey’s eyes, so it’s her POV that dominates) 

What would have worked better on ZEP... IMO: 

What I would have appreciated from the show is for them to show both sides more. To have characters express different views  on grief, and death. More, and longer than they did with Deb in 1x11 & Howie’s speech to Zoey in 1x12. It would’ve been more believable if not everyone was seeing it the same way...if there’s been counter-arguments. 

Like...regarding the idea that only someone, who has had the exact same experience (lost their dad/husband), would understand you/your grief. They really hammered that “truth” with Zoey/Simon grief connection. And even a bit with Zoey finding another widow, Deb, to talk to her mom...cause she herself hadn’t lost a husband of 30+ years...so she would not understand (but, really, it’s more about her inability to deal with/express her emotions, and hiding them, and needing help with understanding others emotions...which her new sperpower is supposed to help her with]. They also had the whole family deal with it all pretty similarily. 

Just have one character tell Zoey that she doesn’t need someone with the same experience to have them understand her, and support her, and help her through this. That having the same experience does not automatically mean “instant connection”. Because...every death/experience is different, and so are Zoey’s & Simon’s...so it doesn’t even make sense to me that they’d automatically connect cause both lost their fathers. Why did no one point that out to her? Why did no one ever pose a counter argument? 

And why does she/the show seem to think that no one else has the same experience and/or would understand? I mean...most adults have lost someone by the time they turn 25... so if we’d get to know the characters more, we’d probably learn all of them have lost someone (maybe not a parent, but perhaps a grandparent?) They did that...a bit..with Joan & her mom story in 1x10. But again... too little, too “late”. She would’ve really needed to hear those things...sooner. Realizing that she can connecct to others...and others can connect to her. That all it takes is someone who wants to help her...and be there for her... whether they have the same experience or not. (maybe Tobin has lost someone, and it would’ve been helpful for Zoey to connect to him/talk to him?

This made it really hard (read: impossible) to “get” their grief bond, or take it “seriously”: Because the idea that no one questioned this just seemed ..strange. Sure..Zoey definitely believes this to be true, but... for no other character to question the validity of it... just seemed... too... strange. And since I personally don’t think that one needs to have the same experience to understand other person, and be the shoulder they lean on...but that instead it just takes someone who knows you and wants to be there for you... it was difficult to buy the whole “grief bond” they were selling. 

Which is probably why I never got their “connection”. And only saw it as lust from both sides, and just her/them displacing their greif...and nothing more. So that...and the fact that as human as having feelings for someone else while youre engaged is, I DO NOT support the storyline which tries to say that just because Simon is hot it’s ok for him to have an emotional affair with Zoey while he’s engaged. That somehow the hotness factor makes it OK, cause it’s “very human”, and “grief made him do it”. Nope...I’d quote Mo here, just replacing “powers” with “grief”. Mo’s words to her “Don’t blame the powers grief. This one’s all on you.” apply here...IMO. They both need to do better!

And I also had a hard time “believing” that a brain-person like Zoey (she’s a coder,  problem-solver) would be so irrational, and even though she’s also presented as “a hot mess kind of person”, her irrationality & behaviours just seemed not something I’d expect from someone like her. I, too, see world s black & white. So this is why to me two options remain: either she is just shouting cichees & lies to others OR she is out-of-character (by choice, not cause of grief or powers). I mean... she understood issues with grief and gave great advice to Simon since ep 1...yet she herself did the opposite. She made all the mistakes he had made (not learning from him, but choosing the same wrong route, not taking her own advice: talk to someone..etc). 

For me, personally, I cannot “connect” with the characters (Clarke family...or the showrunner, whose said that his experiences/feels are represented by the characters) and their grief, even though I’ve had similar exprience (with my dad ... though it wasn’t a rare disease, but cancer). But no two people, not two different deaths are similar. And I guess I (and my family) are less emotional & more logical...when it comes to topics of life & death. Our (and especially mine) view is more like the other option Howie, the caregiver, presented to Zoey as they ate ice cream and talked about what’s to come..in the S1 finale. 

I have, in general, a hard time buying the show, because I’m just too logical and brain person, and this is still a TV show...even if it’s based on real life events. It’s still adapted, and fictional elements have been added...to fit it for screen. So... since it was hard for me to believe that in all the prior months...ever since Mitch had been diagnosed... no one had really done any of the things they all suddenly came up with... 

Like realizing there are ways to communicate with Mitch ( or...try to communicate with him)...even if he can’t really speak or move. Suddenly Zoey has an idea to create a computer programme which lets her dad type his messages. Like..she’s smart, and tech savvy...and in no way do I find it believeble that she’d not thought of this before she got her superpower...and was motivated only by hearing his thoughts. Did no doctor inform them about the details of her fathers condition? Did everone claim he is already unable to understand speech etc...with 100% certainty? Did none of them just try to talk to him...etc...without being sure he can hear/understand...still? You know...like they encourage talking to people in coma, for example. 

Like...coming to the idea of a chairlift...before Mitch actually fell..while being helped up the stairs. What did they do all the prior months? When he’d already lost the ability to walk? When he still was able to talk? For a family that is so close, I find it quite unbelievable that they never talked about...anything. Even if they touched upon this in episode 1x11 when Zoey asked Maggie why they didnt do any of the planning sooner, she claims none of them expected it to happen so fast. Like...their doctor seems OK, so how are they so uninformed? When we know that Zoeys style is to read up on all the topics she wants to know about. She would read all the research there is...so she’d know... quite a bit. 

Like them thinking that a temporary improvement means a “cure”. None of them are clueless, they’re all smart, so I don’t also buy them not knowing that this is progressive, and there is no cure, and after the person loses as many abilities as Mitch had by the time we met this family (hard to swallow,  no speech...), then they don’t have much time left. Same with these smart people not knowing that based on several observations... most people report that dying people usually become “alert/more responsive”..just before the end. So... Mitch having a good day the day before he died was a clear sign he’s about to die.

Like...if we actually analyse it, it seems as if they “stood still” for months...ever since Mitch was diagnosed. And then suddenly...”thanks” to Zoey’s superpower, they start getting ideas, and do stuff, and talk to each other... which doesnt seem to have happened...at all... during all the prior months. How? 

It just seems too much “done to fit the TV format”, and it doesn’t seem to make much sense...actually... 

MY OWN EXPERIENCES: 

I lost my first grandfather when I was a kid & he was only in his 60s (so quite young). That was an unexpeted & sudden event that no one saw coming (example: heart attack, stroke). I lost my other grandparents when I was in my 20s (they both lived a full life: 84 & 92...and were ready to go) & I lost my last grandma last year (she was almost 89...and outlived her husband by around 25 years)...after her health had been declining... for a while. And I lost my father about 3 years ago (he was in his 60s)... knowing he had max 6 months left by then. 

I will talk, a bit, about my dad, who died 3 years ago, in 2017, and my finnish grandma, who died last year...just a month before her 89th birthday. 

                              **************************************

With my dad... I had kinda lost him once before, because 5 years earlier he had a serious health issue, and his heart stopped on the operating table. But he was revived. And though he was in a coma for over a week, he did survive, and had no permanent damage. He had to go through extensive physiotherapy and learn to walk properly again, and hold a spoon again (fine motorskills), but his mind/brain/memory was unharmed. But...nonetheless, I sat beside him while he was in a coma, and I sat beside him after he had woken up... 

That health issue lead to his cancer diagnosis though...cause without it he’d never gone to see a doc on his own, and wouldn’t have known, probably. He was stage 3 when diagnosed, and though he tried all kinds of different treatment options, it progressed to stage 4 (that’s what lifetime of smoking does to your lungs!), and by 2016 he had metastasis in his spine..etc, and it was clear he had months/max a year left. It was a guesswork though how long exactly. 

But his medicine cabinet was more impressive than Mitch’s by the end. It got more serious at the end of 2016, and he basically survived with extra oxygene (help from a “ventilator”) & “morphine”. He probably would’ve kept himself alive for several more months, but he had a health issue in January 2017, and his body was just too weak (from chemo, from treatments from...) that he didn’t make it this time. And though I/we had longer than a year to “prepare”, these fictional characters also had time...

Yet, for me, personally, that death was not as hard. (in all honesty, I’d been expecting his cancer diagnosis since I was in highschool... I honestly couldn’t believe he had any lungs left...with his heavy smoking)

                               *****************************************

For me, personally, the hardest was my other grandma’s end of life.. The one who died last year. But not the death...but her last years instead. And though my first grandma (who died almost 15 years ago) had memory issues during her last years, cause she’d had 2 stokes & she kept mixing up people & events (calling people by wrong name, mixing us up), she had my grandpa by her side...til the end. But with my other grandma... whose health had been declining...step by step..over past 5-10 years, it was different. To the point that my aunt/her daughter was her guardian, cause she wasn’t capable of making her own decisions anymore... even if at times she had a clear mind. And one of those times was her last, 88th Birthday in 2018. 

She never vebalized it...never was able to say the words (though she did talk... a bit), but I could see it in her eyes/look... she wanted to go... but “modern medicine” was keeping her body alive. And for me it was hard, because I am a supporter of a persons choice to choose assisted ending, but I’m the only one in the family who really supports this. And since she never actually said the words, and since I could not be 100% sure that what I thought I “read in her eyes” was what she was actually thinking, I could not be sure. But I considered her last 1-2 years of life just torture for her. So... as sad as I was, I was relieved when I got the call a year ago, on May 26th (exactly one month before her next birthday would’ve been)...that she’d died, I was happy that she “didn’t have to suffer anymore”. We scattered her ashes one month later, in last June, on what would have been her 89th birthday.

If my mom and aunt, who were there with her during her lasts days, would have told me the day before how “perky” she seemed the day before she passed, I would’ve known that it’s about to happen. But they told me when they called after it had happened. 

Death has never been something to fear in our family. My grandparents (their story is like a fairytale, where after she was gone he had "no reason to hold onto life anymore”, so he went just 4 months later...) even prepped everything themselves. They were prepared, though Mo on the show is more prepared. They had everything chosen & organized & planned (the plot, the main details), so everything was done according to their “notes” basically. With others it’s been more general...like where (which cemetary) they wanna be buried and/or cremated. 

        Yes, there is a lot under the (and etcetera)...from dealing with subsciptions on the persons name... to the bank... to job related stuff... next to the actual “burial event”. And while a good funeral home helps you a lot... and does a lot of the work for you (transportation...etc), then there is a lot that you/the family have to do before/after all this. But still... it’s not that difficult to get it all done. I did half the work when my dad died (lots of calls, emails, visits to offices/banks...etc).. to deal with all the paperwork and more. 

I understand that I may sound like a cold person to many, but in my experience death & funerals have never been “end of the world”...like they’re often done on TV. Cause in most cases they only show death & grief in one way on TV.... as “end of the world drama”. When we need more POV’s like the other option Howie represented to Zoey. (and then the characters can choose which was is their way)

So...honestly, I have a hard time “connecting” with the ZEP season 1 grief  plot....the way it was done. Even though I can draw many parallels between Mitch(’s health) & my dad(’s health). We knew that he had not much left, but he ended up going faster & “unexpectedly” so he was gone about a month after his health took a turn to the worse...and we had known that all there was left to do was to wait... 

And yet, based on most of the online comments, reviews, etc..I’ve seen online, most find it easy to connect, and “feel the same way” and I seem to be alone in my “weirdness” and different look at the grief and greif storyline. 

AM I ALONE IN THINKING THIS WAY? (MOST LIKELY) 

Did anyone else find it hard to believe the Zoey/SImon “grief connection” they tried to establish? 

Did anyone else find it hard to believe that such a close family had just been sitting & waiting for months (ever since last year, when Mitch was diagnosed), and not done anything....until Zoey’s superpower makes them magically start taking all sorts of steps? 

Did anyone think that the focus was not enough of the family, da/daughter, and grief...and too much on the love triangle? (even if the two storylines are connected...strongly)

[bionicdragonguardian1]

Recluse Vampire Izuku

Inspired by @25coriandah‘s little bit of art (which isn’t even something that happens in this part, oops) where Izu finds Wolf Pup Kacchan and has no clue how Werewolves work, and every book is wrong.

Slightly moved the Timeline Forward c.1920s America, Izu still dresses in his Victorian Garb. Where they’re currently living NOT specified, but that’s what I had in mind while writing this.

If you wanna get State Specific, I was thinking Colorado

Izuku’s age is based on the Grigori legends (11-13th centuries) so I headcanon that he just really liked his early-Victorian Clothes.

Yes, I made the girl that turned him Toga and the girl he turned Uraraka

Also yes, I combined the standard Vampire fangs with Supernatural’s mouth full of retractable ones because I just love those but it still seems kinda dumb that they lose the regular fangs.

Part One:

Sorry that this is just planning out Izuku’s backstory, but I wanted to make sure I had at least a slight foundation for Izuku’s character before introducing Katsuki.

Izuku was the sole son of a noble and a merchant’s daughter when his father died his family refused to accept either of them into their family. So while he was the only man alive that held his mother’s strong merchant name, he was rejected by the ones that had true sway in the world they lived in.

His mother had married his father as young as she did- a mere fourteen- because her father was dying and they all knew that while Inko Midoriya knew the ins and outs of all the sales her father had been doing for years no one would take her seriously without a husband doing the negotiations for the business. As the fifth son of a noble family, Hisashi actually stood to gain something by marrying into the Midoriyas and forgoing his noble name.

It had been senseless violence that had turned that on its head a mere two years after they’d met, mere months after Inko had given birth to Izuku. A random killing that happened for no reason other than the fact that the man wanted to do it.

Now without her father, husband, and a baby on her hip, Inko had no chance of keeping the sales moving the way they had been. Izuku grew up learning all he could about his mother’s inheritance, that he could fight to take back once he was of age. But life was still difficult for them. Winters were harsh and Izuku had to convince men at least twice his age to take him seriously.

Rather difficult when he didn’t have much of shouting tone in his voice box, and he was rather unassuming looking. He just wished he was a hidden monster, able to show them that he could prove them wrong.

He wished that for many years.

He got his wish when he was sixteen. But not in the way he wanted.

A man Izuku had never done trade with before showed up at his mother’s business, asking for him specifically.

Something felt strange about but business hadn’t been going well recently with the groups choosing sides and fights breaking out in the streets. They needed this deal if the man was seriously going to give them half the money he was offering.

It all went to hell from there.

He should’ve realized why he felt like he recognized the man’s face far sooner than he did. When he finally figured it out, he was in too deep. This wretched man was a lord, one of the ones who was bringing the fights into the streets. Despite that, he hardly seemed to lose any of his pawns.

Izuku found out why that night. The teeth dug into his throat catching on his trachea, choking him with that, and when blood flowed into his lungs he felt like he was drowning. 

When the teeth let go the last thing he expected was to wake back up.

But he did. His throat was sore, bone dry, and his stomach burned for food.

He had this habit of gnawing on his lower lip but was stunned when he felt a harsh prick in his lip and blood on his tongue.

He came face to face with the one who bit him again, a blonde woman who looked to be about his age, with gold eyes, and sharp canines.

For some reason he hissed at her, feeling his jaw flex in an unfamiliar way. She returned it and he watched stunned as her two sharpened canines, as well as the rest of her teeth were covered by a new row of pointed teeth sharper than even her unnaturally sharp teeth.

Izuku felt his stomach drop as he realized that would explain the strange feeling of his jaw flexing.

Whatever she was, she had turned him into.

She used his paused to pin him to the floor, like the rabid animal he was acting like.

Izuku could hear the clanging of chains from down the hall as clear as if they were in the cell with him. Though once they reached the cell he heard something else.

A strong, loud, fast, pumping and it made his newly acquired teeth ache.

The chains stopped rattling, the pumping remained and Izuku fought the blonde girl for an entirely new reason.

“Try not to kill her, but if you do that’s ok too.” those were the first words she said to him and Izuku didn’t understand what they meant. “Though she’s a bit of a pest, so I hope you do kill her.”

He would not kill. That was a fact and no matter what had happened to him, that would not change.

The blonde kept him pinned by the neck, watching as she let Izuku see what was the source of his new hunger pangs. A girl, brown hair and brown eyes, blush in her cheeks as she struggled against the chains that kept her from going any further than three feet from the eyelet in the floor.

He wanted to eat this girl. His stomach would’ve rolled if it wasn’t so hungry.

When the blonde woman let him up, he didn’t even think, he just moved. Moved so fast he heard her wrists snap at the pull of the chains, the crack of her skull against the stone. Only pausing when he heard the beating her chest slow to what he knew was a dangerous point.

He was killing her. That killed his hunger in an instant. With the hunger no longer clouding his mind, something else kicked in and all he knew was that he was using his teeth, that were currently latched onto the side of her neck, to inject her with something.

Finally, he could take his teeth out of her, looking back at the blonde with horror and confusion in his eyes.

She just smiled, then cheered at the fact that she was still alive. Izuku breathed a little easier at that, only then did she lead him out of the cell and back to the upstairs. Where he met with the man who wanted to pay him again.

The man explained what had happened to Izuku, what he was planning to do now, and that his mother had been told he was dead- since he could no longer act like he was human- and given the entire amount that Izuku had been told they would receive.

It was unsurprising to Izuku that his mother planned to leave. This city had taken away her husband, and to her knowledge, her son. This country had taken her mother and her grandparents. The only thing that eased his heart was that they had lost track of her considering she left so quickly afterward.

It made his refusal to kill and play soldiers easy. Especially considering it had the man more than willing to try and kill him, and when Izuku escaped, he was pursued through the night, but after that, they were willing to just let him die.

Had Izuku not been as inquisitive in the after-death as he was in his true life, he probably would’ve. Yet, he learned that he could survive on the blood of animals, for the most part, and only needed the blood of actual humans once a year.

It took about a decade before he met more like him.

Most of them were in small groups, maxing out at about a dozen.

The man that had planned to use Izuku had hundreds.

It took him until then to realize exactly how much about him had changed, physically. Other than the things he realized on his own.

His ears were pointed now, he did, in fact, have two sets of teeth. His canines were the only parts of his teeth that could possibly give him away without him either feeling threatened, going hungry for long periods of time, or when he was feeding. Sunlight could kill him, though what he had been told was in fact untrue.

It wasn’t direct sunlight that would kill him, he’d just get sunburned easily, it was sunlight through a blessed magnifier. Though magnifier sounded like a stretch since church windows were apparently strong enough to do him in.

His reflection no longer showed in mirrors due to the presence of a holy metal. While it wouldn’t kill him- like their mythical opposite- it did reflect that he no longer had a pure being to be reflected.

He would, in fact, never age again.

That made Izuku ready to go charging back into the monster’s den and kill him, he was constantly underestimated due to his age and now that would never stop.

He wouldn’t call himself nomadic, he had met several small groupings of vampires that were and he didn’t really fit in with them either, instead, he moved along on his own.

Eventually, he ended up in England. At first, the sheer number of vampires worried him. It had been nearly five hundred since he had seen a grouping this large, and he was only lucky that the group had destroyed itself from the inside out before anything too horrendous could happen.

Once he had realized that they were peaceful, and surprisingly scared of him when he said when and where he had been turned, he was less worried.

Though he stayed to keep a close eye on them.

It was also surprising that while they covered a vast portion of a country, these people were strongly connected.

He’d never tell them but it made him feel suffocated.

It came with the upside that he’d been able to see the brunette girl he’d turned all those years ago was still… he couldn’t say alive, perhaps Not Dead worked in this situation?

At least both of them were offended that the only reason they had been called together was the fact that they were turned around the same time in the same area.

Her presence made things feel less suffocating. For awhile. Not to mention she had a life outside of Izuku being this stranger that she just happened to know.

He stayed put for the longest time in his life, but when every single one of their kind in the country knew him by name and face he needed to leave. Now.

Despite the outcry of war.

He’d settled away from where he thought humans would settle but was surprised to find that there were Natives who lived in this area already.

While they were distrusting of him at first, they quickly realized that Izuku couldn’t care less about them if they left him alone.

Sometimes he wished he’d cared more, by the time it was too late. Yet, he stayed largely disconnected from other people, despite how much time continued to pass.

He’d become something of a myth- more than he already was- which he could accept, because it largely kept people away from him. Even if meant that he would have to go a bit further when he actually needed to drink human blood.

Which was why he was stunned to his core when he stumbled across a small blonde child, unconscious in the woods near his property. He may be a myth but he’d been alive for centuries so he had enough money to pay his taxes, unlike some people nowadays. He wondered if that was why the boy had been left in the woods. One too many mouths to feed.

The boy’s heart was loud, possibly too loud and too fast, given his size and apparent age, but Izuku felt something he hadn’t felt since he was truly alive, a pull to another person.

He barely realized he’d already moved by the time he had the blonde boy in his arms. That was when something caught his eye. The boy’s ears weren’t covered by his spiky blonde locks as Izuku had thought, rather they were upon his head, pointy, and covered in equally blonde fur. He also had a tail, from what Izuku could feel. Though it was tucked down his pant leg so Izuku had missed it on his preliminary scan of the boy.

Social recluse, yes. Moron, far from it, he had all new books and hundreds of old ones he’d had his acquaintances in other countries send him when he decided to make this his permanent home.

He still sent letters to most of them, across several countries, and the more studious ones were easy to agree to buy two of all books and send him one. So long as he returned the favor. He’d agreed when one of them had literally come to find him across a wartorn country because he hadn’t sent him a new book.

He just hoped that somewhere in his collection had at least some information to help him with the small boy.

@thepinkjinx, I hope this appeases you until I can finish my next bit.

[purplesurveys]

752

Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No, my girlfriend is super laidback and in fact she’s always the one encouraging me to go out and try new stuff with other people.

Have you ever written a love letter to someone as a joke? No but that doesn’t sound like a very nice thing to do either.

How many true heartbreaks have you had in your lifetime? In a romantic sense, once. I’ve had my heart crushed in other ways as well, like when a loved one dies.

Who last grabbed your ass? It’s definitely Gab but I don’t remember when that was. It’s been a while.

Have you ever cut yourself? Yeah man, I was big on that from 2016-2017. If I remember correctly I had a short lapse last year too, which is disappointing.

Do you get a 'Good Morning' text from someone every day? Not everyday but often enough. I like them; I do feel like I need greetings like those more so these days since I haven’t gotten to see anyone other than my family for two months now.

Do you have any gay family members? I honestly think I do but my family is so secretive about everything, from family drama to who has a terminal illness to sexual orientation. I will probably be the first one to publicly come out, if everything goes right in the new few months.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing? I got it from one of the independent clothing stores in Feliz. They sold all these really cute tiny halter tops for only ₱80 each ($1.60)?!?!?! which was wild so I went ahead and got like four, and one of them is what I’m wearing at the moment. I’m so desperate to be outside, or at least, feel like I’m outside, so I’ve taken to wearing the clothes I’d wear in public right at home loooool.

Do any of your friends dislike each other? Yes lmao it’s hilarious. Andrew (who’s part of the newer wave of members in our org) has never been able to win over my OG org friends – Jo, Kate, Aya – so it gets super awkward when both ~generations~ get together in org parties. Since I’m everyone’s friend I always have to divide my time between groups or tables so that I get to spend time with everyone :(

Who is your last missed call from? It was from Angela’s mom, who called on the morning of my birthday to greet me. I feel bad about missing the call but you have to know that I hate getting calls from anyone other than Gabie, so when I woke up to my phone ringing I just rolled over to the other side and let the call pass. I did thank her profusely once I was properly up though.

Do you feel like everything is falling apart around you? This was me last night. As a journalism major, I felt very helpless seeing ABS-CBN get off the air at 7:47 PM and even more helpless when I saw so many people rejoicing over their shutdown, with absolutely no regard for the 11,000 employees who have just lost their jobs. Times have been hard enough in the country because of the government’s poor response to the virus, and now one of our biggest sources of news and information has also been silenced. It was enough to make me shut down last night and I just couldn’t do anything, couldn’t think properly, couldn’t even talk to my girlfriend.

Was your first kiss romantic? I’ve always thought it had been more awkward, but when we got to talking about it in the past my girlfriend apparently found it very romantic and sweet.

Do you miss any of your ex's right now? No ex.

Have you ever overdosed on anything? I have not.

What would you say if you found out your last ex was in a relationship? Look two questions above.

Who was the last person to text you before you went to bed? No one texted me before bed but I did get a text upon waking up this morning; it was Andrew. I’m guessing they saw that I deactivated all my social media last night because they texted their concern for me and told me they were gonna be there for me if I needed anyone to talk to.

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? One.

Do you know anybody whose last name is a color? Answered this in a survey but yeah, Maroon and Black.

What are you most likely to go to jail for? Ooh I dunno, I’m honestly such a goody two shoes skskksks. Does answering back to the police count? That’s the legit worst thing I imagine myself doing.

Where was your last kiss? Near my car. I was leaving Gabie’s place and she walked me to my car, and I gave her a kiss before I left.

Who was your date to Prom? My cousin. I didn’t give a shit about prom during my junior year since I was super infatuated with Gabie then, I was already seeing her, and I still had no guy friends, but because prom in my school was mandatory attendance I just pulled my favorite cousin to be with me that night.

Do you still talk to your first love? Yeah, I’m still with her to this day.

Whose wedding did you go to first? I honestly don’t remember since I was gotten as flower girl so many times as a toddler. I do have photos of being a flower girl when I was 3 and at least, that’s the oldest-documented wedding I was in. I don’t know whose it was, but it must have been a very distant relative since I only went with my paternal grandparents and absolutely no one else from my family, not even my parents lol.

When is the last time you went to the beach? Nasugbu, August 2019.

Do you ever feel like life is going by too fast? For sure. April was a fucking blur.

Are you ashamed of anyone you've dated in the past? No but my friends have always made me feel like not dating Mike was a bullet dodged. I dunno what to think of it though as I barely knew/know him.

What about anyone you've been friends with? Mostly no, since former friends were important to me at some point and to be ashamed of them is to throw away the good times we did have, but I do prefer to dissociate myself from Athenna. Her behavior has turned so rotten in college and she badmouthed Angela and made her miserable for a very long time; it’s like I have no clue who she is now. Apparently people in her school also think she’s a fucking weirdo, so that has just made me all the more confused about what’s happened to her through the years.

Have you ever made out with someone in a pool? In the sea, yes. Not in a pool since there’s always kids around.

What are you doing this weekend? Same thing I’ve been doing the last 51 days I guess: have late breakfast, take several surveys, maybe take a nap, continue my Spanish lessons, play with my dog, take more surveys, maybe meet some progress on my thesis if I feel mentally capable to work on it.

Who’s the last person that slept over your house? I think it was Gabie. I’m really the only family member that brings over someone at our place for the night haha, and it’s usually Gabie.

Do you still talk to the last person you kissed? Yes.

Have you ever kissed someone with a tongue ring? No but this did remind me of when I used to have a big crush on CM Punk, who used to have a lip ring hahahahahaha.

Is it hard for you to get over a lover? As a demi, I imagine it would be very hard as it would also be losing a best friend.

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex? I wouldn’t say that. I have a couple of close friends though.

Was your mom ever a stripper? No.

Do you regret any of the relationships you were in? A little bit. I wish my first relationship with Gabie ended months sooner than it actually did. The last few months of it were just us beating around the bush and physically avoiding it each other in school; it was a huge waste of time.

Have you ever tried making someone jealous? Yes, that’s what I did when we ^ finally broke up. By the time we broke up I had long accepted that the relationship wasn’t working and I was already doing a little fine, and I was well enough to do stuff to make her see that she was missing out. It’s high school pettiness so I’ve forgiven myself for it lol.

Would you ever get a boob job? I’ve definitely thought about it but idk. I’ll have to be rich enough to want to allot money for plastic surgery because it’s not very essential for me.

Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? Because of her.

Who is the last person you flirted with? Just my girlfriend.

Whos the most racist person you know? Probably my mom. She has said some eyeroll-worthy stuff about the Chinese throughout the lockdown and I remember she initially had a negative reaction to my cousin Joelle when she introduced us to her black fiancé. I do know she’s a bit scared of me because I wouldn’t hesitate to call her out on her racism, so thankfully her statements have lessened over the years.

Do people ever compliment your eyes? Not really. It’s not a strong suit.

Have you ever lied to your boyfriend/girlfriend? Eh, just about small stuff like lying about not being hungry.

When is the last time you saw one of your ex's? Gabie was my ex at one point I guess? I last saw her March 7th.

Who was the last person you hung out with? Also Gabie. She was the last non-family member I saw before the whole world fell apart, basically lol.

Which one of your ex's do you hate the most?

Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? No. I never understood why it’s a big deal for a lot of couples and I’d genuinely like to hear a good reason why. We don’t watch porn together but Gab and I would definitely watch some on our own time and it hasn’t affected our relationship or sex life at all.

Out of everyone you kissed, give me the initials of the best kisser? I’ve only kissed one person and she kisses amazingly, so GAD.

Do you regret a lot of things you did in the past? No. Just some small stuff here and there.

How many people have you kissed this year? One.

How many people has your best friend had sex with? One.

How long have you known the last person you kissed? I have technically known her since 2002, but we didn’t know each other and become friends until 2011.

Do you think one of your friends is a slut? No. One of my former acquaintances was and I’m so not saying that in a judgy way lmao she can fuck whoever she wants whenever she wants, but I don’t really talk to her anymore + she’s no longer single.

When is your birthday? April 21st.

[the-kiwi-is-not-a-pewee]

3 of Sadie’s arcs throughout TKC - a mapping

@jurakan  I might’ve missed some things but this is as comprehansive as I could make it:

Responsibility/Parents Arc -

This arc revolves around Sadie realizing that when she has to choose between what she wants and saving millions of lives she has to accept that she has to make that sacrifice (this is different from the birthday and dance thing, because she has a third option to do both without a lot of people dying. Is there risk? Yes, more so for the former than the latter because there’s a hard deadline, but it’s not a decision she has to make on the spot like “free your dad and the world will bear the consequences” vs. “bear the consequences and millions of lives will be saved”.) It’s also intertwined with her grief over her mom and the blame she places on her dad for her death and the catharsis she gets from emotionally spilling to him at the climax of The Red Pyramid.

*Red Pyramid*

- “I was determined not to be like them, living in the past. I barely remembered Mum, after all, and nothing could change the fact that she was dead. But I did keep the one picture... But the main reason I’d kept the photo was because of the symbol on Mum’s T-shirt: one of those life symbols - an ankh. My dead mother wearing the symbol for life. Nothing could’ve been sadder”(33). Our first peek into how Sadie feels about her mother’s death. Despite her saying that she was determined to not live in the past like her grandparents, the photograph betrays that she hasn’t quite completely moved on from it. 

- “’...Young man, your father has committed a criminal act. He’s left you behind to deal with the consequences-’ ‘That’s not true!’ I snapped, my voice trembling with rage. I couldn’t believe Dad would intentionally leave us at the mercy of the police, of course. But the idea of him abandoning me - well, as I might have mentioned, that’s a bit of a sore point’”(41). Sadie says it herself here, she’s not quite over what she perceived as her dad abandoning her.

-” “I realized I was crying. I hated to, but shock and fear were starting to overwhelm me. Where did I want to go? Home, of course! Back to my flat in London—back to my own room, my grandparents, my mates at school and my old life. But I couldn’t. I had to think about my father and our mission”(236). This kinda also fits here because she’s putting the mission over what she wants: to go home.

-”’All right,” I relented. “If I had to, then I suppose...I suppose I would save the world.” Horrible guilt crushed down on me. What kind of daughter was I? I clutched the tyet amulet on my necklace—my one remembrance of Dad. I know some of you lot will be thinking: You hardly ever saw your dad. You barely knew him. Why would you care so much? But that didn’t make him any less my dad, did it? Or the thought of losing him forever any less horrible. And the thought of failing him, of willingly choosing to let him die even to save the world— what sort of awful person was I?”(392). This bit doesn’t so much imply she learned how to put the world above her personal wants, but that she already would. Not without hesitation and horrible, emotional conflict, but she’d still do it in the end. It’s more of her discovering this of herself.

-”’To die?’ I demanded. “Isis should’ve helped her. You should’ve helped her. I hate you!” As soon as I said it, something broke inside me. I started to cry. I realized I’d wanted to say that to my dad for years. I blamed him for Mum’s death, blamed him for leaving me. But now that I’d said it, all the anger drained out me, leaving me nothing but guilt... ‘To save the world, would you sacrifice your father?’ ‘I don’t want to,’ I said. ‘Please’”(471). The arc culminates here, with Sadie releasing her pent-up feelings about her mother’s death and accepting that she has to sacrifice her father, that there is no third option this time. She gets her catharsis and overcomes her reservations that were there when she first admitted to Anubis that she’d sacrifice her dad to save the world.

*Throne of Fire*

-”I simply said, “It’s a bad idea.” And yes, it felt quite strange being forced to play the responsible sibling”(216). Sadie being the responsible sibling here... ironically. Trying to stay on track, but at the same time makes the third option so Carter gets what he wants and they also get what they need, even though they’re cutting it close. This isn’t exactly the same situation as her father in a coffin as this isn’t one way or the highway, but it’s her staying on task.

Balancing Old and New Life + Where She Belongs Arc -

This particular arc is more of a slowburn because it spans all 3 books as opposed to the Responsibility/Dad Arc. Sadie grapples with trying to fit her old and new lives together because she doesn’t want to let go of her old one but her new life won’t let her go back. They both bleed into each other in different ways, thus why the balance is necessary. Her old life leaks into her new life in the form of missing her life in London, her grandparents, her friends, etc. Her new life intrudes by, well, not leaving her alone (examples: Babi and Nekhbet ambushing her in London, the deadline, Anubis and Shu showing up at the school dance). The culmination is at the end of The Serpent’s Shadow, when she summons Ma’at out of necessity instead of desperation and doesn’t die from it.

*Red Pyramid*

- “I just stared at him. I couldn’t remember any home except this flat. My mates at school, my room, everything I knew was here. ‘Where am I supposed to go?’”(43). Good establishing point for the start of this particular arc and the attachment she has to her home in London. It’s all she ever knew. 

- “I realized I was crying. I hated to, but shock and fear were starting to overwhelm me. Where did I want to go? Home, of course! Back to my flat in London—back to my own room, my grandparents, my mates at school and my old life. But I couldn’t. I had to think about my father and our mission”(236). The first point I could find where Sadie really expresses that she’s still attached to her old life and missing it is bleeding over into her new life to the point she’s getting emotional. But her new life is preventing her from going back because she and Carter have their mission and she recognizes it as more important. Most of the “missing home” moments are most frequent in the first book, and recording them would just be repeating myself. There’s some on pages 196, 400, and 432 though.

*Throne of Fire*

-”’It’s more than that.’ Emma studied my face as if I was turning into something quite frightening. ‘You seem older. More mature.’ Her voice was tinged with sadness, and I realized my mates and I were growing apart. It was as if we stood on opposite sides of a widening chasm. And I knew with gloomy certainty the breach was already too wide for me to jump back across”(118). A display of how Sadie feels she’s too far gone into her new life to return to her old life with no consequence. It’s here she realizes this, with her new life intruding with Babi and Nekhbet and later her old life having to be left behind when her friends can’t come along for the rest of the mission.

*Serpent’s Shadow*

- “She immediately understood what I needed. Together, we tried to find calm in the Chaos. I focused on the most peaceful, well-ordered moments of my life—and there weren’t many. I remembered my sixth birthday party in Los Angeles with Carter, my dad and mum—the last clear memory I had of all of us together as a family. I imagined listening to music in my room at Brooklyn House while Khufu ate Cheerios on my dresser. I imagined sitting on the terrace with my friends, having a restful breakfast as Philip of Macedonia splashed in his pool. I remembered Sunday afternoons at Gran and Gramps’s flat—Muffin on my lap, Gramps’s rugby game on the telly, and Gran’s horrible biscuits and weak tea on the table. Good times, those were. Most important, I faced down my own chaos. I accepted my jumbled emotions about whether I belonged in London or New York, whether I was a magician or a schoolgirl. I was Sadie Kane, and if I survived today, I could bloody well balance it all”(348). The culmination of the arc is right here, when Sadie finally accepts that she can balance both her lives and who she is. She can be belong both in London and New York, she can be both a schoolgirl and a magician. She can reconcile both parts of her life.

Understanding Carter Arc -

Sadie is the one who understands their sibling the least. And probably holds the most resentment over envying the other’s situation. Both of the siblings have the initial problem of not understanding each other and envying each other for different reasons, but it’s more important for Sadie to understand how much pressure Carter felt, to be strong for his dad and keep up with his expectations. Also Carter isn’t quite so hung up on Sadie getting to spend time with their grandparents, unlike Sadie with their dad.

*Red Pyramid*

- “When you only see each other twice a year, it’s like you’re distant cousins rather than siblings. We had absolutely nothing in common except our parents”(8). Establishes Carter and Sadie don’t really know each other well and thus don’t really understand each other. It’s to the point that they feel their bond is only by blood. Of course, they grow closer as the series progresses, but this is their initial starting point that they have.

- “I sighed in exasperation. ‘Poor boy, forced to travel the world, skip school, and spend time with Dad while I get a whole two days a year with him!’ ‘Hey!’ Carter turned on me with surprising force. ‘You get a home! You get friends and a normal life and don’t wake up each morning wondering what country you’re in! You don’t-’ The glass case next to us shattered, spraying glass at our feet”(133). This technically goes both ways. They both want each other’s lives and it’s a touchy subject for both of them, given how the glass shattered and things only start breaking around them when emotions are high (like the birthday cake). They both only see the pros of the other’s life and not the cons, or they don’t understand the cons.

- “After our last argument in New York, I wasn’t sure how I felt about my brother. The idea that he could be jealous of my life while he got to travel the world with Dad—please! And he had the nerve to call my life normal? All right, I had a few mates at school like Liz and Emma, but my life was hardly easy. If Carter made a social faux pas or met people he didn’t like, he could just move on! I had to stay put. I couldn’t answer simple questions like “Where are your parents?” or “What does your family do?” or even “Where are you from?” without exposing just how odd my situation was. I was always the different girl. The mixed-race girl, the American who wasn’t American, the girl whose mother had died, the girl with the absent father, the girl who made trouble in class, the girl who couldn’t concentrate on her lessons. After a while one learns that blending in simply doesn’t work. If people are going to single me out, I might as well give them something to stare at. Red stripes in my hair? Why not! Combat boots with the school uniform? Absolutely. Headmaster says, “I’ll have to call your parents, young lady.” I say, “Good luck.” Carter didn’t know anything about my life”(170). A display of how Sadie is clearly more hung-up on this than Carter is, considering he doesn’t have an internal rant like she does or even linger on it long. For Sadie, it’s clearly a far more touchy subject but nowhere in here does she consider why Carter wants her life or what he said before the glass shattered. She’s starting to understand him on a surface level as they bond better, but understanding him on a deeper level is not something she’s nailed yet as this shows. 

-”Carter had spoken about Dad as if their travels together had been a great thing, yes, but also quite a chore, with Carter always struggling to please and be on his best behavior, with no one to relax with, or talk to. Dad was, I had to admit, quite a presence. You’d be hard-pressed not to want his approval. (No doubt that’s where I get my own stunningly charismatic personality.) I saw him only twice a year, and even so I had to prepare myself mentally for the experience. For the first time, I began to wonder if Carter really had the better end of the bargain. Would I trade my life for his?”(278) This is when Sadie admits that she’s doubting her previous assertion about how great Carter’s life must’ve been. She begins to understand why Carter wanted her life and how it affected him to be with their dad all the time. It’s a very significant step in understanding him.

*Throne of Fire*

-”And yes, I know that was wrong —but I’d just been inside Carter’s head. I now understood how important Zia was to him. I knew how badly any information about her would rattle him...  One of his darker secrets? Deep down, Carter still resented our father for failing to save our mum, even though she had died for a noble cause, and even though it was her choice to sacrifice herself. Carter simply could not fail Zia in the same way, no matter what the stakes. He needed someone to believe in him, someone to save—and he was convinced Zia was that person. Sorry, a little sister just wouldn’t do”(215). Sadie understands why Zia is so important to Carter, a direct contrast to when he saw her off on her birthday, when he didn’t quite understand why Sadie was so insistent on taking a break. But of course, that doesn’t mean there isn’t some resentment in either situation.

*Serpent’s Shadow*

-”A year ago, even six months ago, the idea of my brother’s being given that kind of responsibility would’ve horrified me as well...  When I had learned his secret name, I’d seen one very clear trait woven into his character: leadership”(327-328). Here Sadie learning Carter’s secret name circles back to her supporting him for a role he doesn’t feel ready for. She almost understands him better than he does himself, and while she does abuse it for some slapstick occasionally, she helps him step up to the role.

[initiala]

A little bit shorter this week, but as they say, it’s not the length that matters, it’s how you use it. And this satisfies more than a few, ah, cravings you may have had since this started again.

It’s smutty. I’m saying it’s smutty.

Thanks to @distant-rose for clearing this for takeoff and giving me a tasing reprieve after a very exhausting and busy August. Enjoy!

On AO3 and FFN

As Killian pressed her down against the bed, Emma thought for a moment about the ring her mother had worn every day of her life, the peridot with white sapphires on either side. The ring she'd died wearing, the ring Emma couldn't bear to bury her in, the ring that sat locked away in her safe with her human charm. Her parents had mated in every possible way they could and worn symbols of that love for all their time together, and even after the pain of losing her parents, her first pack, her litter, and her first mate, she’d always harbored some secret hope that someone would love her so much as to bond with her in the same way.

She eased him off of her, answering his questioning look with a secretive smile, and slipped out of bed to the closet; she knelt, moving shoeboxes and old shopping bags out of the way to get to her safe, and opened the lock. On top of a pile of important papers sat two velvet boxes: one held her human charm, and she left that one alone in favor of the other, picking it up and closing the safe before going back to the bed. "I don't know if you had any big ideas or plans or whatever," she started, perching nervously on the edge, "but this was my mother's."

Emma noted the change in Killian's scent, arousal fading as his expression grew serious. She offered him the box and he opened it, an eyebrow going up as he inspected the ring that had been passed down in her father's family for generations. "It's not silver," he noted.

"I never asked what it was," she said. "But my mother wore it, and my grandmother before her, and so on. Dad said it was an heirloom, a tradition for it to be passed on to the firstborn, and if there's any such thing as blue-blooded werewolves, my family's the bluest-blooded."

A corner of his lips went up as he chuckled. "Granny was right." Emma tilted her head. "She said that the children of alphas have certain traits and mannerisms. The daughter of a long line of alpha wolves? I'm starting to see her point."

She held her strength in check when she punched him on the shoulder, but just barely; Killian fell onto his back laughing and wheezing in pain. "Sure, tell me you're all worried about how hurt I was, then injure me some more, I see how it is."

"I hit you on the opposite side of your injury, you're fine. And I never said my grandparents were alphas."

"No, but their sons are. Were. And those traits come from somewhere." As he talked, he gently pried the ring from its box and took her hand. Emma bit her lip to keep herself from tearing up as he slipped the ring onto her finger; she had her mother's deceptively delicate hands, as her father always liked to say, and the ring fit perfectly. "There. Right where it should be," Killian said, looking up at her with heavy-lidded eyes.

Emma stared at her hand, unable to resist twiddling her fingers to watch the stones catch the dim light. "Dad said that when his mother gave him this ring for Mom, she told him that true love follows this ring wherever it goes." It's funny, almost, how she'd never thought to ask her first mate to bond with her in this simple human way. She'd thought that the mate-bond was enough. Two years together, both courting and then mated, and she'd never even mentioned the ring to him in all that time. She glanced up at Killian, looking at him as if she was really seeing him for the first time.

*~*

"You're moping," Ruby said, perching on the edge of her desk.

"Am not," Emma grumbled.

She had no reason to mope; mating season was over, so the overarching stench of heat throughout the city was gone, pairs had been formed, pups were due later that year. She'd gotten her itch very well scratched by the stranger from London who was much less a stranger when he left, and she'd bagged herself several paydays with bounty hunting, so her finances were set for a while. Things were good. Great, even.

"Seriously, you smell like a wet dog. That's how moping smells. Wet. Dog," Ruby insisted.

Emma glared at her from behind her computer monitor. She would not give her the satisfaction of knowing how often Emma Facebook stalked Killian Jones without actually sending him a friend request -- seriously, who left that much information out there without privacy settings? If Ruby knew, she'd crow about it, tell her she was a lovesick puppy, and then ship her off to England before she knew what was happening.

She didn't love him. He'd been a good lay, that was all. A very good lay. And now she just... wanted to know what he was up to sometimes.

It totally wasn't weird that she knew he went out for drinks every Thursday with his  'mates'. It also wasn't weird how much she'd thought about how English wolves must differentiate between love-mates and friend-mates to fit in with the humans.

Everything was fine.

"I'm not moping and I don't smell like a wet dog."

*~*

They'd only known each other for ten months -- hell, really, they'd only been together for four months. This was crazy, she was crazy, but the words were out of her mouth before she could even stop them. "I really hope she was right."

A year ago, if someone had looked at her with the kind of intense love and tenderness on their face as Killian did now, she would have run. A year ago she’d wanted nothing more to do with mates or the mating practices that dictated their society -- a year ago she’d still been hurting from the scars left by someone who cared less about her and more about what being with her meant for his own status.

A year ago, she hadn’t had Killian.

His hand slid up her cheek, his thumb brushing along her lower lip. “I really hope so too,” he whispered.

This time she didn't offer any protests when Killian coaxed her into bed with him. He had her astride him in a moment, slipping her camisole off and palming her breast in his hand. She relaxed into his touch as he gently squeezed and then splayed his hand across her chest, nestled between her breasts. She looked down at his hand, tanned against the pale skin of her chest, and wondered what it might look like with a ring to match hers. She brought it up to cup her face, nuzzling against his rough palm, and breathed in his soothing scent spiked with arousal.

“Don’t move,” she told him, rising up enough to slide her pajama bottoms off and toss them aside.

His breath hitched when she gripped his cock in both hands, gently squeezing and stroking she watched his eyes flutter closed as she made the movement almost continuous, pulling up with one hand and immediately going underneath the other once she reached empty air. “Fuck…” Killian breathed, the tendons on his neck straining as he tried to obey her order to stay still.

Their combined musk made the room heady; when his eyes opened again, she could hardly see any blue. His chest heaved, nostrils flaring, and the way he watched her move her hands to brace against his chest reminded her of a predator tracking his prey.

She raised her hips up again and adjusted her position; moving slowly, she rolled her hips, rubbing her dripping core along the length of his cock. The hard ridge of him caught her clit with every pass, warming her blood as much as his unwavering predatory gaze. She took his hand again and placed it on her chest. “Touch me,” she told him.

She held his eyes with her own, continuing the slow roll of her hips while his hand traveled a lazy path between her breasts and down her stomach. His thumb brushed her curls, teasing, then his hand smoothed across her thigh. She let her head fall back, closing her eyes and enjoying his slow exploration of her body; small waves of pleasure crested and fell as she continued to undulate over his cock, slowly pushing her closer to that peak. But Emma wasn’t in a hurry, not right now. She didn’t want to hurt him, didn’t want this to end too quickly. She just wanted to live in this moment where it was just Emma and Killian and damn the world outside of their little bubble of pleasure.

When she finally allowed him to enter her body, he hissed, exhaling slowly as she sank down onto him. His knees rose behind her, feet planted on the bed, and allowed him to thrust up and match her movements. Emma fell forward, pressing her lips to his and bracing her arms on either side of his head as she rose and fell faster, starting a slow chase to that wonderful high. As he met her stroke for stroke, her baser instincts clamored to take hold -- she wanted to mark and bite and claim, remind him that he was hers and show everyone that he was taken. She must have made a sound, because his voice sounded hoarsely in her ear, “Let go, sweetheart. Take me.”

“Don’t want to hurt you--”

“You could never hurt me.”

Her teeth sank into the juncture of his neck and he cried out -- not from pain but from pleasure. His arms went around her, holding her tight against his chest. The days preceding and the days that followed the full moon left everyone’s blood running hot and it manifested in increased tensions, both physical and sexual. Killian’s persistent hitting on her and desires were proof of that -- and Emma’s need to mark and claim him.

They moved faster, bodies writhing together as they connected again and again, the hot slide of him inside of her making her burn. She didn’t scratch at him like she normally did but she bit wherever she could: his neck, his shoulders, his arms, even along his jaw. Every bite was soothed by her tongue and he whimpered under her touch, squeezing her tighter against him. His head moved and his hand moved and she found herself pressed up against his lips. His teeth sank into her lip, sucking it into his mouth and she whined, the coil inside winding tighter and tighter--

She shattered, shuddering in his arms as she came, and she felt Killian fucking her through it for just a few moments more before he stilled and spilled himself inside her. The kiss turned languid and lazy, his cock still buried inside of her, but Emma didn’t care. After the terrifying events of the last 36 hours, she wanted to keep him as close as she could for as long as she could.

He rolled them onto their sides, touching her wherever he could, her leg wrapping up and around his hip. His hips canted up into hers and she groaned, still sensitive. “What if I…” He rolled them again, pinning her under him, rutting against her easily. “What if I made you come again?” he asked against her lips.

“How--” She gasped, her toes curling as he continued the gentle rut. Fucking hell, there was no way he could still be hard. “How in the hell--”

“You said yes,” he murmured, picking up the pace and easing her other leg up over his hips. “You said yes, and we’re both alive after that hell of a moon, and I’ll be damned if I don’t make the most of it.”

Emma cried out when his hips snapped into hers. This wasn’t like when she was in heat -- then, her body was primed and ready constantly, coming down quickly from each high so she could handle the relentless need to fuck for a week straight. No, this was overwhelming, her body overstimulated as he thrust into her body again and again; she thought she was going to unravel at the seams, tingling all the way to the tips of her fingers and toes, but he abruptly pulled out of her and untangled his body from hers. She was about to ask what the hell he thought he was doing, building her up like that and doing nothing about it, but then he scooted back and settled between her thighs. He licked a long stripe up her core, humming at the taste of their mixed essences, and Emma forgot the question she’d wanted to ask.

She quivered under his ministrations, her limbs turning completely to jelly as he licked and kissed and nipped at her center. He eased her thighs over his shoulders and his blunted arm kept her hips still while his fingers toyed with and slid inside her entrance. She didn’t remember actually coming, just a feeling of immense pressure building inside of her and breaking all at once, rendering her incoherent for what felt like hours after.

She came to only when she heard Killian groan as he got back up to the pillows. “You hurt yourself,” she mumbled, her eyes still closed and her thighs still quivering.

“I didn’t,” he retorted and she let her head fall to the side, cracking open an eye to watch him stretch out on his stomach, his arms pulling the pillow under his head more comfortably. “Just a bit sore, that’s all.”

“Killian.”

He looked at her with one eye. “I swear, love, I’m not turning all alpha male on you.”

Rolling over with immense difficulty -- seriously, her legs were not cooperating, and her sex was definitely protesting any kind of movement -- Emma leaned forward and nuzzled his cheek. He hummed in content at her gesture of affection, and then she shifted, gently biting on his ear and tugging. He made a little whining noise and she nuzzled him again. “We’re going to have to air the apartment out before Liam gets here,” she said, laying back down with a sigh.

“Sod Liam, he can kip in a hotel.”

She rolled her eyes. “He’s already staying in a hotel. Even just coming over he’s going to say something about the smell.”

Killian sounded absolutely pitiful. “I like the way our apartment smells.”

She breathed in, reminding herself of the layers of scents drifting around the apartment. It smelled like they needed to take out the trash in the kitchen, like the soap Killian had just used, and the lingering humidity in the air from the shower. It smelled like whatever had been stuck to the burner on the stove when she’d made the soup, which also lingered in the air, the ointment she’d put on his back, and the ever-present, almost overpowering scent of two people who couldn’t stop jumping each other’s bones at every chance they got.

It smelled like home.

She smiled. “I do too. I just think we should be considerate--”

“It’s Liam, love, we don’t need to be considerate for family.”

She propped her head up on her hand. “You do know this is actually the first time I’m meeting him, right? You remember that I don’t know him, not really? And I might want to make a good first impression on the man who’s going to be my brother-in-law?”

The corner of his mouth that she could see ticked up, teeth revealed by his grin. “You said yes,” he said, almost to himself.

Emma rolled her eyes, though she smiled and nudged him to move so she could curl up next to him. She really should go clean herself, but cuddling sounded nicer than getting up. “You have a one-track mind today,” she told him.

He nudged her nose with his, bumping their foreheads together. “I could claim you,” he murmured. “Claim you tonight and then Liam wouldn’t be able say a damn thing about the smell.”

He nosed along her jawline, nipping at her pulse. His lips trailed a path down to where, one day in the very near future, she’d allow him to mark her -- permanently. “Nng--Killian--we should wait,” she said breathlessly, letting her head fall back. “Killian stop.”

He stilled, sighing a little. His breath felt warm on her neck, and then his lips as he pressed one last kiss there before lifting his head up. “You want to wait?”

She nodded. Saying it out loud almost felt silly, but they needed to talk about it. “I feel like we should do it all at once.”

His teeth flashed. “Ah, Swan. Quite the exhibitionist, aren’t we?”

“Shut up,” she growled, even as he leaned down to tickle her collarbones with his scruff. “I mean like on the same day. Like, I know it’s kind of corny, but the whole wedding night thing. Humans just do it for their own weird reasons, but us? We’re bound together by human law and pack law then.”

He paused, considering her words. “You said that like you’ve had this in mind for a while, love. Did you have a day in mind?”

She shrugged, toying with his hair. She’d been thinking about it, sure, but not until today did she think he was already thinking about it too. “No, not yet. Well,” she amended, “I know it’s soon, but I think I’d prefer we do all of this before the next mating season. It’s not as… irritating for mated couples.”

Killian barked a laugh. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was irritating.”

“No, not you, just the whole--oh fuck off, stop teasing me.”

He grinned. Sometimes she wondered if he understood just how much it meant to her that he wasn’t bothered about the fact that she’d been mated before; a lot of males didn’t care, but that lack of care often came with a weight of expectations Emma hated to try and live up to. Or, worse, those who cared and then tried to treat her like glass; yes, breaking a mate-bond hurt both parties, but after a few days, even the slighted party could recover enough to go back to their regular lives -- physically, at least.

Killian didn’t care, because he understood what it meant to have loved and lost before. Or maybe it was more that Killian did care, and he trusted her to let him know where her boundaries and limits were when it came to opening her heart to someone again. Either way, he accepted the fact that she had more expertise in this area than he did, and she loved that he never seemed put out when she mentioned her past in passing.

“I know, love, it’s not your favorite time of year,” Killian said, bringing her back to the present. “But if that’s what you want, we can have our ceremony -- ceremonies -- before the year is out, in case you bloom early again.”

She almost groaned at the thought, dreading that mating season was so close. She rarely went into heat so early in the year, normally peaking sometime in March or April, but occasionally her body liked to throw her a curveball and watch her deal with it. Going into season without a mate-bond was a miserable experience, a constant itch to seek out available mates and rut into exhaustion. Some years she’d had multiple partners, but until recently she’d only locked herself up for as long as possible and used her toys to try and satisfy that itch.

Having a mate meant less of an itch or a drive to seek and mate; really, having a mate during the season could be a wonderful bonding experience -- being locked up in your house and naked with someone for days on end could really make or break a couple. But it didn’t cancel out the fact that her body was in charge and all she could do was obey its commands or suffer when she refused. “We can talk over it more later,” she said. “There’s still some time. We don’t have to decide anything just yet.”

“Except that you said yes.”

Emma smiled. “Except that I did say yes. And we are airing out the apartment a little,” she added, going back to her original point. “Engaged or not, we should at least pretend that we do other things than fuck each other silly.” He stuck out his lower lip in an exaggerated pout and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “You’re lucky I’m going to let you leave the bed at all tomorrow, because you’re definitely not going out to meet Liam anywhere.”

Killian rolled them again and Emma giggled. “I don’t know, love,” he said idly, and she felt the hard length of him already pressed against her thigh once more. “I could certainly be convinced to stay in bed…”