#(it’s also how I know how much calories I ate today xD)

[aprettystrawberry]

Only had 417 cals today ^^ would’ve been less if my mom didn’t make me eat -~-'

[putschki1969]

KEIKO【けいこ部屋/KEIKO’s Room】#4

Everyone, be sure to tune in to the fourth episode of 【けいこ部屋/KEIKO’s Room】. Like the first episode, this is a live stream event so we can interact with KEIKO. I wonder what KEIKO will be talking about today. Also, which song will she be singing?

Air date & time: March 26 19:00 (JST) LIVE BROADCAST

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Song: Michite wa Kakeru ( ミチテハカケル )

Finally have some time to watch this. Arghhhh, I wanna know the brand of Keiko’s dress. I have been searching for it ever since she wore it at the hair salon last month. It’s so pretty. And the sweetheart neckline is super sexy (even though there is really nothing to see :P). This time there are some improvements compared to her very first live broadcast. The audio is fixed. She even has a microphone stand now (although we shall soon find out that she doesn’t really lile using it, holding the mic is much more convenient). It looks a bit different but it’s actually the same studio as always. When she first started this program, the song “Michite wa Kakeru” hadn’t been released yet and the cherry blossoms had yet to bloom. Quite a bit of time has passed since then.

Continue to read below the cut 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

Keiko is surprised by the sudden background music, the instrumental version of “Michite wa Kakeru”. I wonder if we will eventuelly get all those instrumentals...Her first two singles contained instrumentals but ever since then, we haven’t really gotten anything. Anyways, the song is included in her home video release on bonus dics 1 (check out my post!). The song was was composed by the same person who did “Change the World’s Color”. She brought lots of music sheets with notes from the recording. This is the point where she decides, “screw the mic stand, I wanna hold it” XD.

She talks about the placement of the song in the setlist of last year’s live. It was the second song right after “Be Yourself!. She felt that was a great opening for the concert and the transition between those two was very smooth. If she hadn’t had the chance to do that live, she probably wouldn’t have chosen this sort of up-tempo song. The tempo is super fast, she worried quite a bit about it. Koichi Korenaga provided his guitar playing to the song.

She is once again drinking a Starbucks Latte and asking everyone how we are doing. She also has a sort of calpis/yakult drink with her (she also drank that during her release event). It’s something that came out recently and also contains lactic acid bacteria. Everyone is doing fine (and there are lots of people who feel uplifted just by watching Keiko). keiko is also super hyped and motivated. She is doing lots of stretches and muscle training these days (as always). Keiko congratulates all the graduates and new students (this is the season for that kinda stuff inb Japan). She will often look at sakura when heading to and from work. Someone from Mexico says hello. She mentions the purple cherry blossoms she saw in Mexico when they were holding their live during the Kalafine days (she talked about this before in one of her Community Posts). Then she thinks that it might not have been cherry blossomg since it was summer at that time. Just a second after she takes back everything she just said because it wasn’ actually summer, it’s just that the weather felt so warm that it seemed like it was summer. Truth is. they were there in February but she can’t really remember all the details. How cute it is to see her this confused.

Another comment by a fan who says he/she has supported Keiko ever since her days in Itokubo. Keiko cannot believe it and is quite embarrassed. But obviously super grateful.

Someone asks her about dango. Keiko says she loves Mitarashi Dango. In the Kansai area you can apparently buy ones that are shaped a little differently. They are surper yummy. Back when Keiko was a student, her mother would often make the sweet soy sauce herself. It had TONS of calories, Keiko almost doesn’t seem to be able to believe she ate that :P

Lots of notes by Pi-chan on her music sheets.With the fast rhythm you can quickly get lost and your singing becomes too high. So she has all those notes to help her during the difficult sections (especially when it comes to the key).

15 minutes have already passed so it’s about time to end the program. Keiko is asked about live stream concerts. She has recently watched concerts by Miwa and LiSA. And of course she would love to do another live (preferably in front of an audience).

[juminsmysticmc]

Hi! I've been waiting fur your requests to open back up! I'd love to see how RFA +V +Saeran +Vanderwood would react to an MC who bakes really well. Like heaven in your mouth well. Thank you so much!

RFA + Minor Trio with a Mc who bakes really well

Hii! I’m sorry that it took me so long, opening these Requests also took ages, I hope you can forgive me, hahah. I hope you enjoy the HC. By the way - I suck at baking XD

Jumin

,,You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy.... when skies are gray…’’ you summed while you baked your orange chocolate cake.

It had been a long time since you last decided to bake anything, but this was due to your stay at Jumin’s penthouse when the both of you were still unmarried.

Now that you were his wife, you weren’t that shy anymore.

You used the moment of silence to bake a cake for your husband, who was pretty stressed out lately.

You hoped that he would enjoy the desert you prepared with a lot of love.

Just when you finished decorating the beautiful cake, the door opened and Jumin came in.

He began to sniffle and immediately confessed that he could smell something yummy.

With your usual smile, you greeted and kissed him.

,,Would you want to enjoy my cake with a cup of coffee?’’ you asked him, kind of scared that he could reject you due to his work.

But of course Jumin Han would never push you back.

He eagerly nodded and went into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.

After ten minutes, you helped him with the coffee and both of you sat on the couch, sipping the brown drink.

Jumin now finally took the fork into his hand and began to eat the soft creation you made.

Suddenly he moaned and looked at you with a shocked expression, making you think that your food was disgusting.

But it was different. Jumin couldn’t believe that you were the one who baked the cake.

,,It’s like an explosion in my mouth. I really love it! Maybe I should organize a coffee and cake project…’’ he began to mumble loudly when he chewed on his third slice of cake.

Zen

,,I’m so excited that I will be able to eat a cake made by you!’’ your boyfriend laughed, noticing that he never ate a cake made by you.

,,Don’t expect to much…’’ you mumbled embarrassed.

,,Ah, don’t be so humble…“ he smiled and kept observing you.

You were creating a real masterpiece. Zen couldn’t explain how you did it because you moved so quickly, but he knew that it smelled very very good.

A few moments later, you called him.

,,Yes, what can-” he stopped.

You opened the warm oven and took out the chocolate cake you had just prepared.

,,It’s still hot, but I wanted to show it to you.“ you mumbled.

Zen immediately took out his phone and took a few pictures.

,,I have to post this! My fans have to know how good you are!“ he laughed and posted a photo.

Not long after he posted the photo, he posted the same picture in the group, receiving a lot of responses from Yoosung and Seven that they will come over too.

,,Mc, close the doors. Two idiots are coming over…“ he whispered and took a spoonful of your cake, feeling like he was in heaven right away.

,,How can it be so sweet and soft?“ he asked you in a whiny voice.

For today, he ignored the fact that chocolate was the cause of pimples.

Yoosung

You always loved to bake cakes and prepare desserts.

A few years later, it wasn’t any different.

You still loved to bake sweets and see the ones you loved smile.

,,Mommy!!!!!“ you heard your little girl scream through the house.

Then you heard loud footsteps and suddenly, a blond girl and brown haired man stood in the door.

,,Daddy said I have to wait for my present!“ she whined.

,,Okay and why are you complaining now?“ you asked her and put the big cake in the fridge.

It was a cake with three layers.

It would look like a big princess dress since you planned to put princess in the top.

,,Huh? But your friends always take ages!“ she whined.

,,Don’t complain now,“ you warned and saw her stomping away.

Yoosung approached you and hugged you from behind.

,,You’ve been in here a pretty long time…“ he teased you, overestimating you.

But when he saw the pink-violet cake on the table a few hours later, he didn’t know what to say.

And it even tasted good!

,,You’re wasting such a good talent!“ Yoosung whined and ate a second slice.

It tasted really good, and Yoosung was once again proud to have you as his wife and the mother of his daughter.

Jaehee

When she asked if you would be willing to help her with the coffee shop, she didn’t know that you were such a good baker.

Well, perhaps it was because you just didn’t tell her that you worked in a pastry shop.

One day, she just got up and found three wonderful cakes in the glass cabinet.

Next to them were beautiful cupcakes and muffins.

It wasn’t even 9 AM and you already did half the work.

,,What’s that?’’ she asked you with an amused face and kissed you on your cheek as a good morning greeting.

,,I’m not sure. I think it’s for the garbage. Maybe you could taste the cupcake?’’ you asked her.

She nodded and took one of the cupcakes with the pink glitter on top.

She slowly bit off the cream and then tasted the cake.

,,Oh my god…’’ she mumbled and opened her eyes in shock.

You thought that the worst would come up, but she took three more bites until nothing was left.

,,Okay. I think you need to show me how to do it…’’ she said, staring at the cupcakes and combatting with herself if she should hide them instead of selling them.

Saeyoung

Your resume said that you actually worked in a pastry shop in LA and later moved back to Korea.

Unfortunately, your shop in Seoul was sabotaged and you had to give up on your dream.

A little bit later, Unknown and the RFA robbed your time and you didn’t have the time to think about it anymore.

Just a few months later, when you decided to bake a cake to cheer up the RFA, you remembered that you were really good at it.

You decided to bake a really big white cake with a cat on the front and LOLOL on the back.

The icon on the cake would be Zenny and the decoration would be coffee beans.

This way a piece of everyone would be a part of the cake.

And you had to be honest, you were pretty happy with the results.

Of course you hid your cake, and when the RFA came to visit, you and your fiancé, as well as his brother who lived with the two of you, got really emotional. 

,,Woah, when did you do this?!’’ Saeyoung asked you, pretty hyped, and licked his finger that was covered in cream.

,,Hehe. While the both of you were arguing over pizza and chicken.’’ you answered Saeyoung.

His eyes widened when he licked his finger once again.

You thought that the cream was salty and that you mixed up salt and sugar, but apparently he loved your cream.

The cake didn’t even last a day. The RFA only ate the cake and gave you a lot of compliments.

,,I wish my birthday would be every day so that you would have a reason to bake a cake for me!’’ your husband whined and kissed your cheek, thankful for your efforts.

Saeran

You knew that your boyfriend had a sweet tooth and you wanted to make him happy once in a while.

The past month was hard and it was still the beginning.

And so, while he was in Jumin’s company, trying to get his father and save his older twin brother, you gave your best at home.

You added the ingredients and made an apple-cinnamon-pie.

Of course, ice cream and whipped cream weren't left out.

,,Woah, these are enough calories for a mouthful!’’ you laughed to yourself as you added sugar.

A good odor welcomed the almost red haired man when he opened the brown door.

Did you invite someone?

But you were alone in the kitchen, your clothes completely white from the flour.

Saeran let out a soft laugh as he saw you.

,,Did you grow old on your own without me?’’ he asked you and patted your white hair.

,,Mhh...you simply took too long. I fell in love with the apple pie instead.’’ you teased him and smiled brightly, expecting a kiss while you closed your eyes.

Saeran happily gave you a kiss and then looked at the pie.

,,So I have an enemy now?’’ he asked you.

You were in pain, his words were filled with irony.

But you quickly sliced the pie, added the warm cream and ice cream, and gave him a spoon.

,,Defeat your enemy!’’

He put the spoon in his mouth and mumbled a ,,Mhhhh’’ before he added another spoonful.

,,Oh my god, I don’t want to defeat this pie. Who did-you?!’’ he asked you, laughing now and enjoying the pie.

You happily nodded and gave him a second slice.

The best thing today was to see his smile.

Jihyun 

,,Come on, Lucy!’’ you called her.

When your daughter approached you, you explained the baking process step by step.

She even helped you to bake her dad’s birthday cake.

Of course, Jihyun couldn’t stand the surprise. Instead, he entered the kitchen and kept taking pictures of the both of you.

Both of you chuckled as Jihyun was simply obsessed with the pictures.

Your house was filled with photographs, but this was also something beautiful in your eyes.

Later on, the RFA came over and ate the cake with you.

Really, no one believed that you baked the cake and that Lucy helped you!

,,Really! Ask Daddy! He even broke his promise and came into the kitchen to take pictures!’’ Lucy exclaimed.

,,Breaking promises is an old habit of your dad,’’ Yoosung said

But not even Jihyun could believe that you were that great at baking.

It was almost as if he was floating on clouds.

Since then, your job was to bake a cake at least once a week.

Vanderwood

You knew that Vanderwood would get angry at you.

Just the fact that the kitchen was a mess would give him a reason to kill you.

But you ignored the death thoughts and instead kept baking for him.

When Vanderwood saw the kitchen, he really was about to kill you but his anger vanished when he saw the beautiful cake with his name decorated with chocolate cream.

His heart grew warm as he thought about you.

A bit later you opened the door, not expecting him so early you totally bumped into him and almost fell on your back.

But your boyfriend caught you before something happened.

His smile was reflecting in your eyes.

,,What you’re doing home already?’’ you asked him, not even trying to hide the candles.

,,I wanted to enjoy my birthday with my princess.’’ he confessed and lead you to his lips.

,,You taste sweet. Did you eat it without me?’’ he asked you with a cute smirk.

You lightly slapped his shoulder and put the candles on the cake.

He quickly blew them out and expected to have to act as if the cake was tasty.

Instead, he had to try his best to not explode from happiness.

It tasted very good.

His eyes widened with every bite he took.

,,Is it okay?’’ you asked him, worried that it would be disgusting.

But from the look on your boyfriend’s face, the cake was more than yummy.

MASTERLIST 1MASTERLIST 2MASTERLIST 3

10.11.2019// 01:21 MEST

Tagged:

@foreversunshine-love​ @giulia2372 @sailormoonrocks666

@widya345 @remiliadacalde @r-f-a-journalists

[tylerwritez]

3:38 p.m. Wednesday June 30 2021

Song reccomendation:

Hey guys. We went to the mall again because it's too hot to go outside. I l1fted a bit but I did buy a blue and purple tie dyed tank top for summer and a Slayer shirt from the hot topic.

We had funsies, me and my friend were chatting and stuff. Not much to say.

I'm feeling sucky now cos we got lunch at the italianos store and I wanted to get Dulce De Leche because what's the point of going to the italianos if ur leaving with NO dulce de leche....?? Its so yummy. My mom said yes but my 11 YEAR OLD SISTER LIKE FLIPPED OVER THE CAN AND READ OFF THE GRAMS OF SUGAR AND CALORIES!!!!! liKE WHAT??? ITS NONE OF UR BUSINESS JESUS!!!!!! thanks for triggering my uh disordered eating...  cos after that I wanted to cry and I just put the can back and remembered how fat I am and I ALMSOT HAD A BREAKDOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE LIKE IT WAS THE WORST FEELING...

Now I'm worried about my CaLoRieS and jesus it's the worst feeling... thanks sister who is eleven and REALLY MEAN?? she literally calls me short fat and ugly all the time... I think my mom and sister make me the most insecure. My mom is always ragging on what I eat how much I eat what time I eat it's the WORST PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE???? like I'm trying. You think I don't ALREADY feel bad??? Like okay way to shame your HEALTHY BMI (bmi 22) child for... eating a sandwich for lunch? I can't even. Like YEAH IM A BIT CHUBBY BUT IT HURTS MY FEELINGS FOR Y'ALL TO POINT IT OUT COS IVE BEEN INSECURE MY WHOLE LIFE AND I JUST CAN'T EVEN. I CAN'T.

.... but we had fun at the mall. So yeah.

I think I ended up l1fting like, a choker, some masks (for covid), fake nails (for my sister), and some hair bands (since my hair is crazy in the morning and always gets in my eyes)

Also some mentos XD but I won't be eating those since I feel like shitttt thanks family ily ♡ /s no I don't

Also that stuff I was talking about being upset over the divorce? Last night? I'm better now so dw.

.... I'm ravenously hungry right nowwww  but. We are going to ignore that. Because hungry is good. Itz good to be hungry it means you're on the right track and if you stay hungry long enough you DO lose weight. You just gotta stay hungry. ALSO, ALSO IM TRYING TO AVOID BLOATING because if I bloat then I get insecure with no top on,,, and it's hot out, so what I wanna do is keep my tummy flat ALL DAY so I can wear like just my sports bra or smthn... i hate saying that I'm wearing a bra but like thAt's what it is if I called it anything else I'd confuse you.

If you're on this blog for the first time,,, I'm MALE, so like don't just assume I'm a girl.

I feel like I dont pass enough but also I dont really mind? Like people keep calling me a girl but I dont see it? I personally dont think I look feminine??

.... I guess when I'm naked... JAY.

and when I dont bind, and my voice, but that's about it.

Also uhm. I'm kinda a kleptomaniac. I'm gonna check the diagnostic criteria for that because... I sorta l1ft every time I go out. Even if I dont NEED anything. It's not a problem, since I'm not getting caught, but it's still a CRIME and I should try and slow it down a bit.

At least I'm not HAULING as much as I used to.... I would FILL my mfing backpack, bro. I would go nuts. So I gotta try n be more careful so I don't get caught. I take too many risks... sex!!!!, theivery!!!!, and light drugs.

But isnt that what being 15 is about? Idk. I'll post pics of what I l1fted to my l1fting blog after I remove the metadata/exit data (location data) so I don't get doxxed...

Also I dont know if I told yall this but I might get contact lenses :) I think glasses make me look ugly so i dont wanna wear em. Also i hate having em on my face all the time it's just plain annoying.

4:18 p.m. update: okay so we're going home.

My mom is being kinda annoying shes like mocking me... Whateverrrrrrrrr idc. Jay is at his friends house rn, Eden is busy and Erin proabably won't come if Eden doesn't come so I guess I'm resigned to biking alone tonight.... probabaly after I pack all my shit of course.

11:20 a.m. update:

I didn't end up going biking... we took the bottles to the bottle depot, I got 20 bucks, and so did my sister even though she didnt even come :P

I got home and just went online. I was scouring Encyclopedia Metallum for any good active local metal bands that I could potentially see live in a concert in my city! 

I ate okay today, kinda ate more than I intended to before I slept because I was so hungry :| willpower 0 (zero)

Anyways I ate to maintain today :/ which is okay I guess.

I'm a bit upset since my dad was crying about the divorce and like I tried to comfort him and said it's okay to cry and stuff but... MAN THATS PAINFUL.... and like... shouldnt it be the other way around? I hate this. I hate everyone feeling bad. And I hate having to be so grown up.

Oh well... I was always the hound of hell, not the lamb of god.

4:15 a.m. update

Everyone wants to hang out with me XD so I gotta ask about that

Roadtrip soon.

Idk, not much to say.

I'm uh, listening to MUSIC right now. I love music and I wanna play bass again. I also feel very insecure and want to cut my junk off so that's fun.

:P

Goodnight ig

[led123123]

omg.. I was actually able to sleep till 12 PM

https://youtu.be/h5yQaGZrY2Y?t=1626

https://youtu.be/XMIMehEBubo?t=16

isn’t she the.. “offline tv” member????????????????? she has similar voice..

I think I heard her on “offline TV”

https://www.youtube.com/c/clothesencounters/videos

I like that she haven’t posted million videos per year

https://youtu.be/WVmnPMS7Z_0

disco. xD

https://youtu.be/WVmnPMS7Z_0?t=38

https://youtu.be/WVmnPMS7Z_0?t=128

https://youtu.be/T4ooCcl2kfw?t=455

jesus christ.. I hate winter.. because I can’t open window.. because.. like.. flat mates.. never like when I open window.. because it’s cold.. 

I like opening window.. because.. my eyes.. need air.. or they would be very dry and I wouldn’t be able to open them

https://www.youtube.com/c/xChocoBARS/videos

https://youtu.be/7uPZO5N2KWo?t=228

where the f*ck do I get 5$ from..

damn this pasta last time was good.. I would like to eat it in the morning today too

I mean.. it’s 1PM.. and I usually eat at this time.. normally I just drink something in the morning and then I eat at 1PM or 12PM or later..

https://youtu.be/rGtVfHBrtDc

I was eating this recently

like.. few days ago I was eating it every day

https://youtu.be/rGtVfHBrtDc?t=226

https://youtu.be/zVWHXObUtno?t=68

https://youtu.be/N2wXo584hos?t=113

https://youtu.be/N2wXo584hos?t=143

wow chinese hat

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/775206617?filter=archives&sort=time

I need to make my videos subscription only too..

what the f*ck.. I didn’t create any clips of anybody.. jesus christ.. why does it show that I created clips what the heck

maybe I misclicked something

what the fuck

oh shit.. there’s.. the “clip” button.. I must have clicked it.. god..

f*ck..

I have like.. 3 clips.. of 3 different people.. damn.. the sammy’s clip is good though. it’s 1080p and she has nice hair and dressed nice

https://help.twitch.tv/s/article/partner-settings-guide?language=en_US

jesus.. 

https://blog.streamelements.com/becoming-a-twitch-affiliate-and-partner-guide-8990d7fe25ac

shit.. 

http://bitstodollars.com/

damn.. I still.. this glaze recipe isn’t that good

https://youtu.be/J3a17pCrQWA

xD xD

https://youtu.be/J3a17pCrQWA?t=12

https://youtu.be/J3a17pCrQWA?t=46

https://youtu.be/J3a17pCrQWA?t=124

https://youtu.be/J3a17pCrQWA?t=216

damn women are so greedy

https://youtu.be/5u8BqRCDkyc?t=505

lol nice bait

jesus christ. I eat so much food.. last 2 days.. how to stop eating so much

https://youtu.be/eTm61XHmUKU?t=527

https://youtu.be/eTm61XHmUKU?t=1071

обизяна xD

из зоопарка

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=173

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=216

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=226

omg.. I was eating.. lots of rice.. and pasta past 3 days.. first day rice.. 2nd day pasta. today.. pasta again

I should like.. eat more vegetables instead.. and I ate.. cake 

maybe that’s why I feel so full

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=473

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=520

asian

she’s.. like.. teaching now.. online?? because of covid?? that’s why she has so much time to make this.. 

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=671

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=735

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=804

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=1150

voice unlocking?

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=1234

lol “if you’re indian you have diabetes”

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=1292

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=1596

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=1754

https://youtu.be/secuN-i68Ww?t=1806

https://youtu.be/vMCbJB4yNXo?t=18

https://youtu.be/gpaJmligdbk?t=401

https://youtu.be/1s-yIa-cdfA?t=120

https://youtu.be/eTm61XHmUKU?t=1110

https://youtu.be/c0VoVYbpQzY?t=398

спокойно с мидасом сейтяс комбекнем xD

https://youtu.be/c0VoVYbpQzY?t=445

да

xD

https://youtu.be/c0VoVYbpQzY?t=748

solo feed

https://youtu.be/AM6ZdLnDFAY

https://youtu.be/1Dzj7CvYhFg

https://youtu.be/1Dzj7CvYhFg?t=115

https://youtu.be/1Dzj7CvYhFg?t=304

https://youtu.be/1Dzj7CvYhFg?t=406

ez win lying on the ground

https://youtu.be/1Dzj7CvYhFg?t=577

https://youtu.be/1Dzj7CvYhFg?t=1146

https://youtu.be/OJzjnIXMvNs?t=290

three hundred bucks

https://youtu.be/OJzjnIXMvNs?t=593

how much money for subs and donations to streamers

thank god there are other streamers..

wow.. it’s lagging though.. and it’s not because of me.. but.. twitch is just.. lagging.. twitch servers.. 

wow she gets 3k views on each stream video

it’s fucking lagging.. 

f*ck.. she looks like this ... other.. girl.. who also builds computers.. god.. actually.. what the fuck..

https://www.reddit.com/r/Twitch/comments/7auqll/1000_media_playback_aborted_error/

doesn’t work

the.. fuck?? why is it not working..

https://youtu.be/vMCbJB4yNXo?t=99

maybe it doesn’t work that well outside usa.. or.. maybe just.. european servers are overloaded at this time of the day.. I don’t know.. I would guess that.. I guess that it just doesn’t work as fast outside usa.. becuase it’s far..

it works on lower resolution. but I don’t wanna watch not 1080p

1080p is good I mean.. 

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/773691155?t=0h13m13s

what is she doing on her stream..

chip hunting?? what is that..

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/738343917?t=0h22m9s

among us.. xD

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Wd9A32T0TU

disko bania wraca

beńdzie koks

https://youtu.be/L7Lew-_GhQM

https://youtu.be/aHGd6LqAVzw?t=136

https://youtu.be/aHGd6LqAVzw?t=191

https://youtu.be/Q8fqMYZsJBk?t=26

https://youtu.be/Q8fqMYZsJBk?t=137

like.. elon musk.. like.. made.. like.. he’s like.. tesla.. producer or something.. 

https://youtu.be/Q8fqMYZsJBk?t=371

1000 IQ people actually

artificial inteligence is bullshit.. true.. 

it’s only based on how human brain works.. it’s not something that can be smarter than a human

https://youtu.be/5r6QqrQ0TG4

https://images.app.goo.gl/E6VQLVAr4im1ZGu19

https://youtu.be/nF7jl4SqkCs

what do we have today.. backpack and energy mag

imagine guys.. this dude.. hit 3 headshots in a row with hemlock.. xD

first shots 3 headshots.. yes of course that’s nothing not ordinary..

I died in fraction of a second

lol... that’s bullshit

lets see replay..

3 headshots with hemlock.. when I’m sliding.. of course.. nothing strange here..

-36 -26

omfg. guys you won’t believe.. this gun is f*cking crazy overpowered

top 1 was so f*cking close.. jesus christ.. this dude.. I missed wingman because he was.. like.. hiding 2 times in a row.. jesus christ.. could be top 1 so f*cking close jezz.. f*cking overpowered gun god

guys.. you won’t f*cking believe. I was melting people with this gun

shit guys if you could only see..

I was thinking about.. streaming.. but.. like.. I didn’t know if I can stream and record at the same time.. so I didn’t press stream button

omg what a f*cking cheat gun god

https://ask.fm/fxckyouleatherman

that’s my new ask.fm account.. nice username..

I can upload whole game.. overnight.. f*ck this was crazy. this gun is cheating

thank god nobody else knows about this 

god.. one 1v1.. and.. he had.. 1hp.. he was one shot.. how could have have so f*cking much hp.. god.. so much hp.. god.. I shot him 2 more times with wingman.. and I though that he’s gonna die to one shot.. but he still lived after 2 shots.. and he kept hiding.. like a f*cking trash behind a wall 2 times.. and I missed 2 times.. because he was hid behind wall 2 times.. god.. f*ck.. and I missed 2 shots.. but I though he would die to one shot.. but I shot him 2 times.. and he was still alive.. I don’t know how.. I like.. hit whole volt mag on him.. xD

f*ck... so close.. I saw that he was cracked after I shot him with volt.. but he still lived after 2 wingman shots.. f*ck.. so he was like.. cracked.. and he was literally 1 hp.. 94 damage on cracked armor.. for fucks sake.. god.. 94 damage on cracked armor.. I cracked him.. so he should die in 2 shots like.. 99.9999% of the time..

ffs.. I knew he was cracked.. god.. but he still didn’t die after doing 94 damage 

f*ck.. for top 2 I only got.. 64 points.. what?? god.. ffs.. god.. only 64.. 

my team survived 2 times because I was frying other team with wingman 2 times.. and that’s why they didn’t push and we could get rez off and.. could get banner and loot wow. 

guys you gotta see this game.

if my games keep being like this.. then I’m a f*cking top 1 predator tomorrow

wow

very high damage in this game.. 1500 damage 

https://youtu.be/e6Tfnv5Jf7Y?t=34

https://youtu.be/e6Tfnv5Jf7Y?t=52

https://youtu.be/e6Tfnv5Jf7Y

https://youtu.be/e6Tfnv5Jf7Y?t=23

https://youtu.be/e6Tfnv5Jf7Y?t=127

same eyes like jinny.. a lot of korean eyelashes look same

https://youtu.be/e6Tfnv5Jf7Y?t=26

https://youtu.be/e6Tfnv5Jf7Y?t=34

she looks.. I don’t know.. if that’s the same person. her hair look same

korean eyelashes. they look.. weird.. after they.. apply.. all the mascara et cetera

korean girls with these eyelashes.. 

they kinda look like.. they don’t.. I don’t know.. like.. dead bodies.. like.. you know.. like a.. doll.. people say they look like they’re dead.. or like they’re dolls.. 

it’s unbelievable how much I’m eating.. god.. it’s a curse. I didn’t wanna go to work.. once.. and one person said I’m getting fat so I should do something.. god.. why am I eating so much.. what the heck..

it’s unbelievable how much I ate.. maybe I should.. like.. eat.. rice now.. god.. I mean.. because.. it’s.. not as fat damn.. I was eating.. cheese.. god.. I’m eating rice tomorrow hopefully. or.. I don’t know.. maybe.. potatoes.. I don’t know.. I mean boiled potato puree.. although potatoes.. feel.. like.. rice doesn’t feel as fulfiling.. but.. potato puree.. is like.. I feel like I need to eat more vegetables.. when I eat potatoes.. 

I made this.. caserolle.. with pasta.. today.. with cheese.. and all the stuff.. but it’s too fat I feel that it’s too fat for me.. a lot too fat.. god.. I mean.. I could add more pasta.. so it wouldn’t be as fat.. I mean.. and I could eat more pasta.. instead.. because it was way too fat for me

that’s why I wanna eat rice tomorrow to reduce calories.. 

https://youtu.be/zVWHXObUtno?t=181

https://youtu.be/zVWHXObUtno?t=112

https://youtu.be/bWKVMgjyb1U

what the.. I mean.. russian.. is kinda.. similar to arabia.. because.. religion is similar

that’s why music sounds similar

https://youtu.be/bWKVMgjyb1U?t=76

looks so arabian.. and like bollywood dancers

my hands are falling down.. again.. 

https://youtu.be/WVmnPMS7Z_0?t=163

https://youtu.be/XMIMehEBubo?t=463

https://youtu.be/WVmnPMS7Z_0?t=182

it’s registering.. if the package went to the correct bag

https://youtu.be/0E3pgWN7Igs

https://youtu.be/0E3pgWN7Igs?t=126

[smoll-rabbit-lady]

12/06/2021

Weight: 102,7kg /226,4lbs (despite how much I ate yesterday :) )

Physical exercise: (today I focused on my core/abs)

20x Long arm sit ups

25x toe touch while laying down (I don’t know the name of the types of exercises I do??)

20x leg raises

35sec plank

15x push ups on my knees

Calories: 1695cal (I ate more because I fasted for too long and even exercised a little, I guess I should get some calories in to lot die xD)

Fasting: 25h (somehow I don’t feel hunger?? I haven’t felt a single time hungry during those 25h and I only ate because I had to have dinner with my family???)

Im satisfied with today’s diary entry :)))) I’m also relieved that despite the amount of food I ate yesterday, I didn’t gain weight, that’s what was worrying me. Hopefully, with how well I’ve done today, tomorrow when I’ll wake up my weight will have gone down :))))))) I also should start buying multivitamins to make sure I’m getting my daily dose of it and to not loose my hair. I’m so happy with how well I’ve done today!!!!!! Even tho it was a really bad day and I cried the whole time, that’s at least a positive thing :)

[onmyway2fitt-blog]

Got counselling today

And the counsellor was like

“it’s so strange that you know exactly what your issues are and the fact that you do is a huge step towards sorting out whatever it is that may be bothering you” 

followed by something along the lines of

“You’ve opened up so much and shared so many personal details which must’ve taken a lot of courage”

and like dude

What the hell is the point of coming here if I wasn’t gonna say a fucking word like lmao

I’m trying to fix things, not sound mysterious and edgy

Somehow, after the one hour session we came to the conclusion that a locker might fix most of my issues. A MOTHERFUCKING LOCKER

I mean, I don’t agree nor disagree but it’ll be fun to test out (I basically walk home after each lesson and repack my bag, procrastinate and go back to school. At the end of the day when I come back home for good I’m too tired to work so I procrastinate further. Instead, so I don’t have to carry all my books back and forth, I’ll get a locker which I’ll be able to use whenever. Sounds fucking fantastic honestly and it will save me at least 10 hours of time every week and in those 10 hours I can actually get on with my work). 

After the session next week she’ll see how I’m doing and then sign me up to this program (called first steps??? idk) to deal with problems with food and I am PUMPEDDDD 

I’ve been feeling so fucking miserable for the majority of my life (holy shit it’s been over 12 years haha) and it’s so refreshing to actually feel like things are going somewhere good. Like, i’ll probably be back to the usual lows tomorrow HOWEVER FOR NOW- THE HYPE IS REAL

But yeah, overall I’m so fucking proud that I’m doing something to get better. It’s such a pathetic amount of effort compared to an average person and it’s sad that it’s something I take pride in but it is honestly just HUGE for me. 

I’ve also started to contribute to discussions in one of my classes (physics, but  off-topic (our teacher is pretty chill and we talk about the most random things a lot in the class and lmao this guy asked the approximate amount of (kilo)calories and kilojoules in sweetcorn (since I asked about calories in food the lesson before (continued on the next paragraph)) and i just answered that shit in a heartbeat and everyone just looked at me weird and I’m pretty sure thats the most strange thing I could’ve thrown out there. Regrets)). But anyway, although the contribution is about 10 words spoken a day, it’s fucking grand compared to the usual silence. 

DID YOU KNOW WHEN PEOPLE SAY CALORIES, WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN IS KILOCALORIES SO WHEN I WROTE I BINGED ON 6000KCAL IT WAS IN FACT 6000000 CALORIES AND THATS PRETTY COOL HUH 

Another thing I was surprised about was the fact that I spoke to the councillor and could at times keep eye contact (which was a huge issue that I started working on about a month ago). I was mostly able to look her in the eye and mostly had positive body language. Only broke eye contact during more sensitive topics and when I had to admit the self loathing that I experience on a daily basis xd

IN FACT I DIDNT ACTUALLY MESS UP ON MY SENTENCES MUCH

Like I can’t talk to people whatsoever but I was so good at it???? AND I THOUGHT IT’D GO TERRIBLY SINCE SHES SUCH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN AND IVE A HUGE CRUSH ON HER BUT IT WAS SO CHILL !?!?!?!?

Basically I was full of surprises today. Honestly very proud of how my day went. Sure I procrastinated and haven't worked out yet (hopefully, although I’m not forcing myself, I’ll do about 30 minutes of planks) but I’m feeling fucking fantastic. 

I actually talked myself out of eating any sugar today (apart from about 2000 calories of fruit lmao (once again, I don’t feel bad whatsoever since I managed to avoid my favourite desserts)). Even though I ate at about 1.5k surplus I only ate actual good and healthy food. No self loathing whatsoever at the moment. Might consider changing my diet for good (going out on friday for a movie and a pizza though, so maybe I’ll do that with a few cheat days). 

Man, am I really turning my life around? Doesn’t seem feasible. But heck, I’ll try my best. 

[opepin]

august: week two

07: i took my time getting ready in the morning but i also woke up on time. kevin actually woke up at the same time as me :O i did a 30 minute cardio dance workout and then showered and ate breakfast. kevin got up and ate breakfast with me and then i left for work. we moved offices last week so now i am closer to south station. i checked in with security and they failed to let me know how to use these damn elevators at wework... so i got on the elevator, took me to the 2nd floor, and then i tried using the touchscreen pads to get to floor 8 to get my ID. i waited for like 10 minutes and no elevator came so i tried using the stairs and i basically got locked out because the stairs only led to an emergency exit. so then i slacked dave and he got me from the 3rd floor stairwell and sent me up the correct elevator...LOL x_x; i got my ID and then spent like 15 minutes downloading the wework app and putting in my information to get my card activated...

after all of that, i spent like 15 minutes finding the product team office @_@; lol i messaged cole and after finding out where the numbers on the doors were (tiny stickered numbered on the door latches), i found my way. then i spent a good amount of time setting up, plugging everything in, setting up my desk, and then cole stopped by and he gave me a small tour. i got to catch up a bit with the dev team, and then i hopped on my 11 am call. cole tried to get me for lunch but i was still on the call and i just ate lunch in the office. they went to south station for some reason... haha there is pretty much no good food there. :P i got on my 1 pm call and then went on stand up and got on to another call until 3:30 pm. so yeah... then i went upstairs the main floor and used the ‘honesty market’ and got some kinda overpriced unreal almond butter cups because i wanted a snack. then i worked while watching ‘love connection’ and ended my first work day at wework. i flipping hate the elevators right now. oh, i also had to go back and get office keys... the wework staff was off their game or something today. @_@;

i got home and snacked a bit before doing some ab hiit workouts lol. then i showered and bummed around until kevin got home. he came back from climbing and then he cooked a really late dinner. i ate leftovers from yesterday and ate a bit of dinner at like 9:30 pm...haha. i massaged my neck with the back massage pillow and i got really sleepy. i ended up sleeping sitting upright after eating because i didn’t want my stomach to hurt from just eating and then going to sleep xD kevin tried waking me up an hour later and then i think i slept for another hour before getting up and sleeping in bed at like 11:40 pm... i was so tired for some reason.

08: i got the best deep sleep i’ve ever gotten LOL, but my resting heart rate has increased again to 59?? idk, sometimes it skyrockets up when i change the band? but i don’t think that has anything to do with it? my heart rate for the past two weeks have been consistently in the low 50s. i even made it to a 49 resting heart rate at one point. hmm idk. i was well-rested but still physically tired so i did a low-impact workout in the morning. i took my time getting ready and eating breakfast. i found two holes in my bombas socks and decided to email them and ask how long their socks are supposed to last?? they’re all jacked up from my europe trip for some reason ;( i got to work at 9:30 am and then went straight to work while catching up with tv shows: love connection, masterchef, world of dance, and more love connection haha. it was a pretty dull day at work. i got to talk to charles for a bit though but he left after lunch since no dev was in the office today. i stayed at work until 6 pm to go to happy hour with the team at les zygomates after work.

we got an email saying that the room with the den is now available for us to look at. deco did us wrong when we told them we were interested at looking at it before and then they had someone sign the lease before notifying us? what? but, we’ll see if we move apartments to a bigger space ;D anyway, the product team walked over to the bar and we met up with everyone else. i got to talk to dave cowing and also, talked to dave about wine and etc. i got to talk with cait about traveling and jim kept making fun of me because i ended up holding the fries basket and i ate the rest of them in there haha. cait asked how old i was and i got everyone to guess. guesses ranged from 16 (LOL) to 26/27 but no one said 23. i think most of the boston team thought i was older than my age :P it was a lot of fun talking to everyone! i stayed until 7:40 pm or so and then went home. dave and joe kindly let me borrow a battery pack and mini usb cord so i could charge my dying phone on my way back home.

kevin finished eating when i got back so we ate blueberries for our dessert. then i rested a bit before doing butt exercises. my heart rate went up to 153 bpm :O i burned a lot more calories than usual today and i could tell i was going to be sore tomorrow... i showered and then ko’d on the bed with my glasses on... why is this a thing? i woke up an hour later and then brushed my teeth and went to sleep again. i’ve been so exhausted after working out these past few days? idk why. lol, like how did i sleep at 10 pm yesterday...?

09: i woke up at 8 am and then did weighted standing oblique exercises. i’m kinda bored with just my body weight right now so mind as well try to do exercises with these 2 lb weights i took from hillary a while ago hahaha. so appreciative of bae for letting me keep these. kevin also woke up pretty early and went for a run :O i showered and then ate breakfast and i just snacked so much throughout the day. is my period coming or something? lol. i just feel extra snack-y. i couldn’t bring myself to be really productive so i made goodie bags for the t7 boston office with the chocolates i got from my trip and made a nice guide to what they are with illustrator ;D kevin went to get a haircut and when he came back, we ate lunch, and then i went on stand up and right into another meeting, where i was just soooo confused. lol, phil asked me where i stood and i couldn’t lie so i told him i was just extremely confused about what they were talking about??? then phil went out for lunch and i took a break to watch some dota with kevin. oh, kevin wfh’d today too and he watched the tournament on the tv the entire day. hehe, reminds me of last summer~

then we went to view the apartment and right as they asked if we wanted it, kevin said ‘yes, probably.’ he was so excited, lololol. i was pretty full from snacking all day @_@; so i wasn’t concerned about dinner. i started reading my botm and then got myself into making the perler bead snorlax we got from the spelmuseum in stockholm. lol man, perler beads move around too much x_x; kevin tried ironing it, but he did it unevenly and i fixed it by spot heating the areas the best that i can. we did this all while watching dota. then i went to exercise and kevin irritated me by asking me questions while i was working out and also yelling at me for putting socks on his mouse pad? they were clean socks first of all .___. calm yo shizz dude. i showered and then hit the hay at like 11:45 pm. i went to sleep pretty irritated with kevin...

10: i did some hip hop cardio today so that motivated me to exercise this morning ;D then i showered and ate breakfast. i was out the door earlier than i expected and i filled my charlie card with money before hopping on the train, woot! i was very social today @_@; i stopped by the dev offices to give everyone their nordic chocolate goodie bags. i talked with the devs and michelle for a bit before getting to the office. dave wouldn’t be in until noon and joe always comes at random times. then i switched from contacts to glasses because i wanted to test my glasses out in my work environment. the switch was weird because my contacts are slightly less than my glasses (still have a good amount of contacts left). most of my team mates said they didn’t recognized me but really liked my frames :) cole said i looked intellectual and that they were super shiny. i got to work while watching masterchef and then joe came in and i talked with him a bit while working. then i had to figure out where to eat for lunch. it was tech time today so the devs got food from dumpling house -- i stopped by to see what everyone got.

i decided to check downstairs and see what restaurant was downstairs today. it was u&d kitchen (restaurant nearby the old office) and i got dumplings with pad thai. i ate lunch in the office and then tried working but my mouse was out of battery and i had to charge it. apple mice cannot be used while they are charging -_-’ so i did work very inefficiently. then i got started on my next assignment and got really confused about my deliverables and i got it cleared up during stand up. i showcased the work i just finished on stand up and then got off right at 2:30 pm. cole stopped by and we went to gracenote, a coffeeshop. i got their ginger chai latte with almond milk and cole was also interested in that and got it as well. we took our first sips without mixing it (LOL) and realized we needed to mix it in order for it not to taste like only milk. so we walked back to wework and then sat down in the kitchen and talked and drank our lattes -- they were good! i updated him on my trip and then cait and raj stopped by and we chatted with them along with joe.

i think like 40 minutes passed by and we went back to our offices. i felt all productivity leave my body and slacked cole the rest of the afternoon while trying to work on my project. at 3:30 pm, joe went to get smores from the 8th floor and cole messaged me to go up there. i didn’t want to eat one but peer pressure got to me (charles and cole tsk tsk) and i ate one. it was fun talking to cole and charles up there though. charles decided to leave afterward and cole went back to the office where steve was working very hard :( lol i walked in earlier and kind of joked that i was going to be john for the next few hours because john left already ...and he was on the phone with john... awks. he was still on the phone with john when we came back from eating smores. i went back and did some digging to figure out how to continue with my project and then it hit 5 pm. i stopped by and asked cole if he was ready to leave and then i went back and packed up and changed into my contacts.

we walked to cvs in south station because my lays flavor competition chips’ shipment got delayed >:( i wanted them now so i went to see if i could buy them at this cvs -- no luck. we walked to our sides of the tracks and then i got on a cart with no a/c...but i stood strong and got a seat and the train restarted and the a/c turned on again hehe. i got home and then continued talking to daniel about cross training / work out shoe recommendations. my fitbit needed a firmware update and missed reminding me to take 250 steps at 6 pm... at around 7:15 pm, i started working out and then kevin came back from climbing. i finished up my work out, showered, and kevin set up our spring roll dinner. lol he forgot to buy cucumber and also forgot to make the noodles so the rolls were pretty empty but i didn’t mind because i was full from the pad thai. then we cleaned up and i decided not to get any shoes... they’re too ugly or they don’t have enough support. x__x; kevin watched dota for the rest of the night and then gamed. 

then he tried to plan how we’re gonna move our stuff and where what furniture is going to be. i wasn’t 100% convinced about his placement choices but then he didn’t accept mine either and he got frustrated at me because of the way i was acting. i told him that it’s because he has a vision and i don’t want to interfere with it anymore :/ lol. he’s more excited about moving than i am ahha. then i did some surveys and we apologized to each other. i stayed on my phone doing random stuff before going to sleep at like 12 or 1 am... i had a 9 am meeting so i had my alarm set at 8:00 am to fit in my exercise session before the meeting.

11: lol i slept in and started my work out at 8:20 am. i was a bit rushed for time but the call went really well. i answered some questions and cleared things up. then i showered and realized there was nothing i could really eat for breakfast... so i decided to do my home errands first before heading to the office and also eat my spring rolls that were packed for lunch for brunch instead. i filled out the application for the new apartment and then contacted nike support about my roshes. it’s been less than a year and they have holes in it so last night, i learned that they have a 2 year warranty on them and you can file a claim and they inspect the shoe and refund you your money. so i contacted support to make sure that i could do this, and i could! they sent me a return label and everything. so after all of that, i had to go downstairs and troubleshoot the application. everything went through though so i packed up and headed over to the office.

dave was the only person i knew that was in the office today. he was on a call when i came in so i just went straight to work. i had a call with phil about my struggles and we figured it out together. i managed to complete half of the assignment and then moved on to the next only to bump into another problem, which dave helped me solve! i’m so grateful for my awesome supervisors T_T i got hungry at around 3 pm so i went downstairs to la colombe to see if they had any pastries; they didn’t so i walked to the nearby dunkin’ donuts and got their oatmeal, LOL. dave left at around 4 pm and i stayed behind to finish up my assignment. amazingly, i got it all done right before 5 pm and then i waited in the office for kevin to get to south station so that we could go to fogo de chao for restaurant week! lol, i had to rush to the station because kevin thought i was closer to south station than i really am... but no worries because i made it to the train (:

it felt like a really fancy restaurant but it is a buffet basically. kevin got food without me so i was mad at him for a bit but then food makes everything better so i forgot i was mad after getting cuts of meat. we basically tried all the meat except for lamb in 30 minutes LOL. their cheese bread balls are the best; kevin put some in his tupperware and took some home :x i only liked the prime sirloin. fogo de chao is alright... we got dessert and they were the thinnest slices of pie / cake ever. they were like a few cm thick... i went to the bathroom and when coming back, a waiter stepped on my shoes and left scuff marks on it... wtf? we left right after that. i am pretty upset about it. the experience was underwhelming and i’m probably never going to a fogo de chao ever again. anyway, we took the train to downtown crossing and walked to uniqlo to pick up my pants i ordered. i found white wide pants too and tried those on. i got the white pants for only $10 ;D then we took the train back in the humidity. we were saved by a/c though.

i picked up my thredup package and then opened it when i got into the apartment. i’m really liking the crop top i got and the madewell blouse. the eva longoria tank is made with a really interesting stretchy heavy material but i like it. the asos top is my cheapest find and will work on dressier occasions. i like that the fake necklace is removeable. i got a silk shirt for final sale and it could be worn as a night gown but it goes really well with my uniqlo black jersey pants. i love all of the pants i got at uniqlo. i’m most excited for these white pants though because i haven’t worn white pants in such a long time! i’m leaning more and more towards buying the jeffrey campbell doshi flat mules too because they would go with all these outfit ideas i’m thinking of! well, after i put away everything, i chilled for a while and then did back exercises and found an interesting ballet back video that hurt like crazy...

i did some internet errands and then did my best to clean my shoe. T_T some of the sole has been stepped off and the material is gone in that area... oh well? after that, i went straight to writing my fogo de chao review and left them a personal note to let their servers know to slow down and look at their surroundings when they’re moving around the space. i know that they have a job and have places to be, but i do too and as a customer, i don’t want to be constantly worried that someone is going to run into me with a skewer of hot meat, ya know? then i showered and kevin and i went to sleep at like 2 am or something ahaha. :P

12: i woke up with grody hair but today was a “rest” day. i was pretty inactive all day watching dota with kevin and also just online shopping like a mad woman. daniel hasn’t been helping me either because right now he’s a shopaholic and we’re just online shopping together basically LOL. well, after the end of liquid vs. lfy, kevin and i planned our meals for the week and went to kam man. we got another rice box from there as well as some yummy buns for breakfast tomorrow. then we came back just in time for the grand final, which was total crap btw. it was the first time in ti history that a team lost 3-0... newbee had 3 chances!!! lfnjksndkjgfjd. they were all pretty one-sided games, which is what made it crappy. then kevin went to play some dota, lol, and i did a 40 minute workout. my legs got real itchy after because i was a sitting blob all day... then i took a shower and washed my hair. i stayed up a bit browsing the web and stuff and then went to sleep at 1 am.

13: i got up at like 10:30 am but i woke up at like 9:30 am. then i made a list of what i needed to get done today. i ate a delicious scallion roll bun for breakfast (sweet and savory) and then started cleaning out my closet. lol, i realize that i don’t even have a lot of clothes here, but i still have items of clothing that i don’t wear often... i am going to try thredup’s clean out bag solution and i also got a donation bag for kevin’s clothes. i was thinking of selling it on ebay but it’s too much of a hassle to keep up with it; plus, buying shipping packages is a big hassle and printing out labels and etc. i’ve been there and done that. it did work well with my collectible toys though! anyway, i only took out a few items of clothing (4-6?) and i am going to put in my forever21 flats and maybe my black steve madden flats. we’ll see. after figuring out that and looking into donation organizations -- it’s so hard to figure out where your clothes are actually going and it’s so sad that some donations get thrown out, etc..., i did a 30 minute low-impact cardio workout, showered, and then kevin and i headed to bj’s to get more groceries and household stuff.

when we got back, we put everything away and then i read a bit and did my chores. i cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, and dusted everywhere. after that, kevin cooked some chinese broccoli and i ate the leftover tonkatsu and he ate two hot dogs. then i spent my evening finishing my book of the month... uhh, i didn’t like it when i first started reading it and i didn’t like it even more when i finished it. the description did not match the story at all and i one-starred it. i want to give this book away... we ate pork and noodle soup while watching agents of shield. i think kevin wants me to get into it so he can also remember what happened and catch up with it as well xD i agreed to watching more. after reading to digest dinner, i did ab workouts and my heart rate spiked and my abs hurt like crazy -- they’ve never hurt that bad in a while x__x; it felt good but it was a hard workout. then i showered and hit the hay at like 1 am... i messaged mindy for a bit and then went to sleep. i need to start sleeping earlier :(

[tylerwritez]

Monday June 28

Morning update:

Oh my god.

I was packing my stuff for the big move after my parents divorce and I found an old prayer thingy.

It said:

"Dear Jesus,

Thank you for the music and the trees and my friends and family, and for the time to really look around the world with colorful skies that are so beautiful, the whole world is beautful and in balance and natural and that is how I'm gonna be. I dont want this to be a temporary, spur of the moment thing. I understand now. I realize that it's not the world that's ugly, but the sin that plagues it. I understand what He wants now. I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry, Jesus. I know I'll go to hell no matter what I do but I might as well try to live a holy life.

I understand.

But then, why all these STRONG feeling? Please, you gotta help me through that.

He made us to serve him. I understand that. Give me the strength to serve you, please. I'm so weak.

Sincerely,

Jude"

I felt so angry cos of it. Once I saw all that shit about "serving Him" I immediately ripped it up in RAGE, just blind rage.

I was just a fuCKING CHILD. HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO ME???

8:50 p.m. update: HOLY SHIT OUCH ON MY WAY HOME I HIT A SIGNPOST COS I WASNT PAYING ATTENTION AND IT RAMMED THE HANDLEBAR OF MY BIKE RIGHT INTO MY DICK JESUS CHRIST IT HURTS GODDAMN

12:38 a.m. update:

Okay so you maybe noticed that today's entries arent really organized and that's cos I've been BUSYyyy

I'm gonna add Litten the pokemon to my kinlist also Piplup

Anyways today I went out with my friends. My dad was mad at me cos my room was all messy cos I'M PACKING MY STUFF TO MOVE?? idk what he expected my room to look like. So anwyays I left the house, me and Erin and Elle, who I'll now be calling Eden because its weird to keep using Elle for reaosns I wont describe...me and Erin and Elle went to the library and I checked out some mangas. I checked out volumes 1-2 of , , and volume 1 of

Then we went to Safeway cos it was too hot to be outside and it was another place with free A/C that was nearby. I stole some Stevia and probably other stuff that I can't recall right now.

We ate sugar cookies (those nice crumbly processed ones with icing on top) at the park, then I went home for supper.

After that i met them at the park and we biked to this Ravine area with like trees and water and a bridge and shit and we were looking for Hagstones which are rocks in the water that get holes worn into them. It's for protection from Jordan's hexes.

We found loads of nasty bugs... but no hagstones. Also the thornbushes scratched up my legs, the bugs bit me up, and the water was sorta nasty and I went on hands and knees in it looking for those rocks XD.

I had fun but it was quite uncomfortable with all the HEAT and bugs.

I got home then and idk not much happened.

I've been eating fruit instead of my usual snack foods and i think its helpful.

1:06 a.m. update:

... I feel like I'm going to cry.

I saw a post about families and now I'm upset because I... I see this shit and I feel like I'm 10 or younger even... all over again. It all comes back to me. The reason I cry at night so often... the reaosn I cant tell reality from shit my brain made up. The reaosn i need therapy and the reason i feel so TORTURED AND IN PAIN...

All I ever needed as a child was love and support and I didnt fucking get that so now any posts about happy families make me feel sad. Especially if they have a kid who is "difficult" in some way... like how I was... who still gets treated well.

Fuck man. I wasnt difficult, I had emotions. I wasnt difficult, I needed extra help. I wasnt difficult, I was trans.

I WASNT DIFFICULT... I DIDNT DESERVE TO BE ABANDONED THE WAY I WAS. holy shit. I was just a child like any other. Literally all I needed was love and support.

Fuck my parents. Now I feel like I've missed out on like... a whole childhood... as myself. Instead I spent it being who you wanted me to be to avoid your wrath.

I'm so sad.

And its cos you saw a fucking child telling you he was in pain and punished him.

I was so young.

Jay keeps misgendering me... he just referred to me as my father's daughter. OH MY GOD... I GET IT! I UNDERSTAND! I GET IT. I DON'T PASS. I GET IT, I LOOK LIKE A GIRL... I GET IT, YOU'VE SEEN ME NAKED. I UNDERSTAND.... I understand that your mind doesn't see me as male... but please. PleAse make some fucking effort. please. cos it actually hurts me to be misgendered cis people could never understand. Fuck man, cis people could never undertsand the shit we go through and I feel upset now because no matter how well intentioned he is... he just doesnt seem to Get It.... or like..I DONT KNOW! IS HE EVEN TRYING?

Like. No matter what I look like, I'm still a guy. I'm no ones daughter.

Sorry. I know I'm being rude about this and I should have more patience.

I'm just sort of upset. Why can't he see me?

Fuck man, NOBODY can see me. I'll never be seen. Cos this isn't fucking me but it never will be.

I hate this. So much. I want to RIP OFF ALL MY FLESH. WHY HAVE I GOTTA BE BORN THIS WAY HOLY FUCK HOLY SHIT WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL GODDAMN IT I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS FUCK GOD I HATE GOD FUCK GOD ILL KILL GOD IF I EVER FLOAT UP TO HEAVEN IM GOING TO LITERSLLY FUCKING KILL GOD ILL CLAW MY WAY UP FROM HELL TO KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER FOR DOING THIS TO ME

LIKE HOLY SHIT MY CHEST??? HAS JUST GOT THIS STUFF ON IT AND ITS MAKINF ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE I WANT TO PERFORM SURGERY ON MY OWN SELF.

3:30 a.m. update:

Oh btw one of my friends says their friend had a crush on me in junior high 👀

Idk man its fukcing 3 30 I'm just on my phone. Soon l get off, piss and sleep.

Total calorie intake today was 979 cals.

Goodnight