#(i would actually show it instead of just constantly referencing it btw but that would require booting up the game and i will Die)

[bonestrouslingbones]

oh my god the reason i get so bad with the sims is because its essentially a fucking character design factory isnt it

[funkymbtifiction]

hey, me again (the person you typed as SFP). Thanks for your respond. First of all; you are certainly right about me using fi-te, thats actually i am quiet sure about by now (even though i had some trouble seeing myself as a feeler at first because it is usually described that feelers are in general more empathic and i can assure you no person i know would ever use the word "empathic" to describe me)...

You sound like an NP in what you wrote here, yes.

Fi's appear stoic on the outside, but are a swarm of specific emotions on the inside. They are self-referencing; if something doesn't ignite an emotional response in them, they don't care and aren't particularly sympathetic from "the outside," hence why people call them "cold." But they are very easily insulted, if they're INFPs. Much more so than an ENFP, who will consider it through Ne/Te more often than Fi.

[isitovers]

1) Hi Fiona, I’m back for chapter 5!! And I’m so excited because this is such an important chapter. I feel like I should warn you, this may get long. I have so many thoughts about everything that happens here lol. So before I actually get into each scene of this chapter can I just say that I love how you did this breakup?? Because you’ve shown us that they truly do love each other so the fact that he’s cheating on her is a shock.

2) But at the same time you’ve shown us enough cracks in their relationship (Steph, the glasses thing) that it’s not unbelievable or completely out of character. In some ways, even though he’s an asshole and I’m not condoning it at all, it’s kind of understandable. I mean from Sam’s perspective, even though Taylor wasn’t cheating on him and never would, things looked pretty damning. She spends a lot of her spare time with him,

3) he himself has been witness to countless times of Harry flirting with Taylor and she generally flirts back, it’s pretty clear that Harry has deep feelings for her (it seems as if pretty much everyone has picked up on it), there have been numerous times when Harry has stayed over at Taylor’s apartment sleeping in her bed even though he lives right next door. So, whether he actually thought anything was going on with them or if he just figured that’s where things were headed,

4) he reacted by deciding to cheat on her first. Was that in anyway ok?? No, of course not. He’s an asshole. Did Taylor deserve this because there were maybe a few times where she and Harry were a bit too close? Definitely not. As was said earlier in the story, she’s as loyal as a wolf. But what I’m trying to say, and what makes you such a wonderful writer Fiona, is that even if his actions were horrible and wrong and in no way excusable, his motivations were understandable.

5) Alright, now that I’ve got all that out of the way I can actually talk about the chapter! Firstly, let me just say I love the way you’d throw in little references to dates and months so we can kind of get a feel for the timeline of the story. And here, we know that things go wrong with Sam and Taylor in September. I love that the first scene doesn’t immediately break them up but instead we, and Harry, get a little taster of what’s about to come.

6) I’m not actually sure what happens between Taylor and Sam in the first scene. I assume he ends up cancelling on date night which leads to a big fight?? That could possible be a callback to the moment in the first chapter where Sam cancels plans with Taylor which results in her having dinner with Harry. It doesn’t really matter either way because whatever happened, it results in Taylor in tears at Harry’s apartment. Harry of course comforts her.

7)  And while things may be happening beneath the surface with them Taylor makes it clear that she is not ready for nor does she want a break up. And while things do go back to normal, it’s only for a short while because then the inevitable happens. I’ve already shared my thoughts on the actual breakup and I don’t want to repeat myself so I’ll just say that I loved that Harry didn’t wait too long to go check on her. She will need some space but she also just needs a hug.

8) Also I love how you made it clear that while Harry may have feelings for Taylor and he may’ve flirted with her, he didn’t want it to result in Taylor getting hurt. Also from the way you’ve described this apartment building, the walls are so thin everyone must just know everyone’s business lol. I love that Harry stays the night with her just to make sure she’s ok. In his perfect world, him waking up with her would be different but at least he can be there to comfort her.

9) The little details that we get about how Taylor is dealing with the break up are so well done too. She’s constantly listening to sad music and she dyed her hair. Classic. I mean I love and hate that you referenced #bleachella. Love because it’s realistic, hate because it reminds me of bleachella. The scene where they tried to get her to go out only ending in Taylor crying and throwing up is so relatable. We’ve all been there.

10)  Both as the heartbroken one, and as the friend who has to look after the heartbroken one. But most importantly Harry sticks around through it all. I love, love, love the karaoke bar scene. It’s possibly even better than the first one. The start of the scene is amazing. So much of that sexual tension I love. And Harry’s even flirtier now that she’s properly single. And once they get to the bar things get tense and awkward because SAM SHOWS UP!! THIS IS THE KIND OF DRAMA I LIVE FOR!!

11) When Taylor went over to him I was getting ready for a smackdown but instead we got the best thing ever when she performs the perfect Alanis Morissette song. And Harry is so impressed (and a little bit turned on) and he isn’t even trying to hide it. Also, he’s a douche, but shoutout to Sam for not only staying through Taylor’s song but Harry’s as well where he basically sings about wanting to fuck Taylor lol.

12) I somewhat wish we could’ve had a Harry/Sam smackdown because I live for that kind of drama it probably would’ve been over the top. Also love the little hint at the end that although she may have had a good night, it didn’t mean she was suddenly completely over the breakup. The scene at Harry’s work was cute too. Jared is still (somewhat forcefully) rooting for him and Taylor. But Mallory actually talks some sense. It’s good that Harry hasn’t made a move on her.

13) It’s way too soon for her to be jumping into any other kind of relationship and harry understands that. He also gets to reinforce to his friends, and the readers, that he wants a hell of a lot more from Taylor than just sex. And immediately after that we’re brought to another scene of harry getting himself off while Taylor’s in the shower next door. Irony is a funny thing. Anyway, it leads to a lovely little scene between harry and taylor that is SO full of sexual tension and flirting.

14) Honestly, I think hanging out with the both of them would be awful considering how much sexual tension they have. In this scene, we also get to know their plans for halloween. I love the conversation they have about why they Taylor feels nervous about going to the halloween party. She might slowly be getting over Sam but she’s not ready to be with anyone else yet which is totally fair and it’s good for Harry to know.

15) Also the conversation about masturbation was ace (not to be a perv but a scene where harry overheard her masturbating would’ve been very funny after all the times he heard her with Sam). We get a little flicker of harry’s past as well which I’m looking forward to reading about properly when it happens. Harry and taylor deciding to go the party together is super cute especially because they go in matching costumes!! Which sound amazing btw! The party was so good too!

16) (Ignore my other message, I fixed it) So many nice moments between Harry and Taylor. Especially when he told her that she didn’t need to dress up super sexy to look good. The moment when Taylor sees Sam for the first time is awful. I feel so bad for her. But Harry follows her and says all the right things without ever lying to her. Also the fact that it didn’t take Harry that long to cheer her up shows that she’s definitely not as hurt as she was a month ago.

17) I’m not gonna lie though I would’ve totally loved if they just went full fake-dating au and started like grinding and making out on the dance floor to piss Sam off. It would’ve ruined your amazing slow burn though. Also this line: “Sam didn’t try to call them out, thank god. That was an interaction none of them were interested in having,” I would’ve very much loved this happening but I’m a dramatic ho lol.

18) Loved Taylor and Harry getting progressively more flirty and touchy as the night went along and I really loved the stuff at the very end of the chapter. Just like the very last dialogue. She’s talking about how hot he looks, and calling him charming and the flirting between them is in full force! But then she puts a damper on things by telling him he should find a nice girl for himself.

19) Because while Taylor may not be ready for anything yet it must really hurt for Harry to think that she hasn’t at all considered the possibility of the two of them together. And I mean, she probably has, but from Harry’s perspective it’s really gotta suck that they can spend so much time together, flirt for the majority of it, talk about such deep things, and she still might not get that there’s something more there.

20) Ok, so this is by far the biggest one I’ve done yet. This is probably gonna be like 30 asks rip but I had a lot to say about this chapter. Seriously, this story is so good Fiona. Can’t wait for chapter 6.

oh my gosh this is so long!!! I'm living okay let's go

I didn't immediately have a plan for the break up when I started writing but I knew I had to have a legit reason for their relationship to end since for the beginning half of the story, she's privately thinking she doesn't want to leave a good relationship and end up ruining one of her best friendships, just to end up alone in the end. she really does love sam but harry's confusing and maybe she's not in love with sam as much as she thought she was. while she never completely crossed the line with harry, I wanted to make it believable that sam would think that she either had or would eventually. it was kind of like a well how do you like it when I do it to you thing, which is super petty and gross and she always deserved better ajdkd I'm SO relieved that I actually made it all flow the way I wanted to because I was worried it wasn't going to make proper sense

whenever I write long things like this I always write a timeline so I don't get confused with what happens when and in which chapter (plus I colour code it so I know what I've finished so far which is satisfying!) and I throw specifics in so you reading have a sense of it as well. I feel like any specifics, rather than just being vague all the time, make it sound like I know more what I'm talking about which is always nice!

I had to go back and read the start of this chapter just to make sure but yeah I think that's basically what I was going for! I didn't go into details since she didn't want to talk about it so harry wouldn't know, and the story is centred on him. but I love the messy aftermath omg okay I had to throw bleachella in, it was a look™ and the aesthetic fit perfectly for this part! that second karaoke scene is one of my favourite parts of the entire fic, it was so much fun to write and whenever I listen to either of the songs they sing I still think about it. it was exactly the kind of drama I wanted, she publicly shamed sam in front of a bunch of their friends meanwhile harry is just #thirsty. I thought about doing more between harry/sam but nothing really seemed natural enough for it to work

I ended up reading the rest of this chapter and honestly I'm living!! I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed writing this fic and how flirty they are. it flows so naturally between them, especially during the halloween party when they're loosened up (and sparkly – I'd forgotten their costumes!). even so, I think she was just afraid of losing him as a friend, since he meant a lot to her and she didn't want him to end up as just another one of the guys who loved and left her. and lbr...... she probably did think about him when she was ~alone~ but was more careful about being heard sjdksk

[finnicks]

i can't put this shit anywhere bc twitter has a character limit and i've p much just left the social media platform i'd post this on anyway.

i usually use tumblr for fun shit and understand other people do, too. this is for myself bc sometimes you have to dump thoughts somewhere, and i don't want to handwrite this bc my handwriting is horrible atm.

navel-gazing personal shit.

i feel like being a navel-gazer rn bc who reads personal tumblr posts? i figured i'd share this here bc i've been reblogging a lot of self-care and positive self-talk quotes for a while now and doing my usual rambling spiel in the tags where i've also offered bits and pieces of where my own headspace is and referenced my own mental health journey. i do hope those posts and even me screeching in the tags helps someone on their journey.

anyway.

for the last two months, i have been putting my mental health front and centre. thanks to a good friend, i realised that no one will ever put my mental health first and the only way that i would ever feel better about myself and break out of this vindictive and awful cycle i found myself in (and have been in for years) was to take the bull by the horns and guide it myself.

so i have been. and it's been fucking great.

it's been hard. it was hard when i first started bc i was wondering if i was doing the right thing or if i was even doing it right. (yes, it is the right thing, and yes, i was doing it right bc i was doing it for myself.) it's been lonely, too, for many reasons, some including the worry of how friends will perceive me and judge me, and also the fact that not everyone i know is even on board the "let's get better and do it ourselves" express yet. if i don't feel a connection with someone about the topic at hand, i don't talk to them about it. it's reasonable; talking about this is opening up a vulnerable part of myself. so, i kept it to myself a lot.

i recognised a social media platform that really let me flog myself. i recognised that it encouraged me to compare myself to others and that i was constantly seeking out shit that hurt my feelings. it sounds nuts but i sought this shit out for the sole purpose of opening up a negative dialogue with myself where i was derisive to myself. ever since being off of it, i have felt really great about myself. that's important to me. not being on there is important to me; if someone can't accept that, that's actually not my problem.

over the last two months, the way i talk to myself has changed drastically. i would like to think that if any of my friends knew how i spoke to myself that they would be saddened and devastated by it bc it's cruel and unkind. how i spoke to myself fed my negative self-narrative and i believed that negative self-narrative was the reality and the truth. it's not.

i know it sounds kind of trite to say "be kind to yourself!" but, seriously, be kind to yourself. pull yourself up when you think horribly about yourself. be your own best friend. it sounds stupid and super cheesy, but it really does work. no one will cape harder for you than you. when i started having a negative thought, i'd say "stop", force myself to reframe, and try and not dwell on it. easier said than done, i know, but it's possible if you really persist.

i changed a lot of my inner dialogue and told my inner voice to go take a hike bc i deserved a lot better. it's gotten to the point where i feel a lot more confident in myself. i still have my insecure moments (of course, we're all people, and this is just the beginning of my journey, too), but these days, i'm able to identify if it's being brought on by me being tired or if it's bc i'm being overly emotional and personalising a situation that doesn't even reflect who i am. i'm kind to myself in these moments (it's important to be).

i'm negl... since doing this, i feel clearer. i feel like i can see shit now. i can see my bad behaviours and toxic habits, and i can see i have power over them. i also feel like bc i've cleared out some space, positive space and energy has come my way, too.

i used to have serious fomo when it came to things and friends. i think it makes sense to not want to miss out on your friends. i didn't want my friends to lose their interest in me and so i felt the need to remain "relevant" to them and i did things that i didn't want to do and took on things i never had any interest in. if you have to be consistently present and in someone's face in order to remain "relevant" (i.e. constantly at the forefront of their mind and someone they talk to), then they're not really worth your time. i did this a lot with a hobby i'm in. ever since i stopped doing that (it's hard to break a habit like this), i felt a lot more fulfilled and less resentful. people will talk to you bc they want to. your friends will remember you and think of you and speak to you and all that shit if they are good people and good friends. i didn't trust people. i am now starting to trust them. (some people do make stupid ass decisions and that also does affect my trust, but, you know, i'm actually open to trusting people to show that they care for me. the whole stupid ass decisions is another thing entirely.)

no one will ever change how you feel about yourself. someone can compliment you, but if someone says you're great, your inner dialogue can rip that apart and call it insincerity if you have a poor relationship with your inner voice. i know; i used to do this all the time and then wondered why i felt like people complimenting me was insincere. (i no longer feel this way. instead, i'm working on stopping my inner dialogue from saying "you don't deserve this" to "i deserve this and i am grateful X complimented me".) i do appreciate the people who are happy for me and celebrate my wins. i am grateful for them. i wasn't grateful for a long ass time bc i could never allow myself to celebrate my wins before. (btw, friends who do not celebrate you are not friends.)

i started complimenting myself. i picked up a gratitude journal again and i write down a minimum of five things i'm grateful/proud of from the day that's been. i do this every night, no matter what. i do it on good days and i do it on bad days. it's important to identify the good. i now look back on my journal and i see all the things that made me happy. sometimes it's as simple as "i'm grateful for my cats" and it can be as detailed as "i'm proud of myself for writing 1,000 words of X fic and posting it." i also make sure to include one person i'm grateful for, especially in the form of an interaction, bc i feel like it's important for myself to remember that, when i feel lonely, i'm actually not lonely at all.

a good friend shared with me that people often make decisions without me i mind. it's not meant to be cruel; it's just a fact. and since acknowledging and accepting this, i've felt a lot better. less vindictive, less hurt. i won't lie, i used to make decisions with people in mind and then grew resentful of them bc i made those decisions, usually out of some desire to "keep" them. the thing is, no one can be "kept". people choose to stay. the moment i began making decisions for myself, i felt better.

i still have a long way to go. i feel like since i started this journey, i've begun to correct really bad behaviours and thinking patterns. by doing that, i've uncovered other ones. people are like onions, and i've begun to unwrap all those gross layers that make my eyeballs water. what drove my insecurities and negative behaviour patterns isn't going to be solved in two months, but in those two months, i've made some great progress. i think that deserves to be celebrated.

the things i feel like i need to work on and feel like sharing include:

accepting compliments; yes, they are for me, and i should be proud of the work that gained that compliment.

accepting that people like me for me.

accepting that people want to be there for me even if i feel like i don't need anyone.

complimenting myself further.

removing myself from situations. this sounds very weird but by removing the "i" from someone's choice has given me so much freedom.

continuing to do what i want to do when i want to do it.

being kind to myself. i am a busy person (my work is a lot) and i need to start angling my self-love to be understanding of that.

stop comparing myself to others. i'm me; i'm great.

appreciating the fact that i am me, and there are some great things about me that are worth celebrating that i won't list here.

accept that i am good enough for me. full stop. (if i'm good enough for someone else, cool.)

sometimes i worry that by me putting myself first in this way and changing the dialogue i have with myself will lose me some friends. maybe it will. some people feel comfortable with who i was before i started this. i have always believed that some people are meant to be in your life for a pitstop or for some part of the ride, and some people are meant to be there with you until you reach your final destination and join you on your next journey. people who can't accept and even celebrate me for who i am and trying to become are not people i want in my life.

understanding (and celebrating) that i'm me and not someone else has been important and great. i used to try and make myself be like someone else, but i'm not. i'm not the person next to me and i'm not my friends. i realised that being me is good enough (it's starting to be). after all, no one is me.

i am enough.

[cbk1000]

So, my sister came over to our apartment today and we had a good long bitch about the work situation, and I found out a little more, although she can’t give me very many details because she promised our boss she wouldn’t say anything to me.

Firstly, let me just clarify: I keep referencing ‘our boss’ and then referring to a ‘she’ and ‘he’--I can’t remember if I mentioned this, but the clinic is run by a husband and wife, not one gender fluid manager who is being kind of an ass.

So, back at the beginning of September my sister first asked about her raise; she asked the wife (I’ll refer to her as ‘C’ from now on, and the husband as ‘L’ to avoid confusion instead of just referencing ‘our boss’), who said that she was right in the middle of taxes, so she’d have to look at it next week. A legit excuse; I know she’s always really harried during this time, and I don’t blame her for wanting to just get that out of the way first.

My sister didn’t hear anything more about it, so in October she popped in to remind C about it, thinking she may have forgotten because she was so busy. C said she had actually forgot about it till a few days ago, when she’d asked her husband. She said it was in discussion, and that they were talking numbers, which very heavily implies the raise is a sure thing, it’s just a matter of hashing out exactly how much it’s going to be. So, apparently, back in October, the raise was all but decided upon, it was just a matter of settling dollar amounts.

A few days ago when I first posted about this situation (Dec. 4th, my archive tells me), she had gone in to C’s office to ask yet again about the raise, because she first inquired about it three months ago, and was starting to get irritated, feeling as if she were being put off. It was then that C told her all this stuff. I outlined the basics in this post, so I won’t rehash it now. 

C is very upset, basically. She did not want to tell my sister any of this because she was hoping to just delicately handle it behind the scenes, but I think she felt she couldn’t put her off with some lame excuse since it had been three months since my sister initially asked for the raise. There are some gaps in my knowledge of events because my sister told me just enough to avoid breaking her promise to C, but essentially, L is fed up with people bitching about us even though none of the complaints actually have anything to do with our productivity and the quality of our work, so we’re basically being punished because fellow co-workers are whiny shitbabies. C is trying to get the raise, but she is not entirely sure how to go about it because once L gets something in his head, he can become fixated on it; he also will act like nothing’s wrong for a long time and then suddenly be super pissed about something minor (this is not just her trying to play Good Cop and make it look like she’s on our side, I’ve seen it happen many times). 

We assume C did not want my sister telling me the whole story because she knows I am very confrontational, and she really, really does not want us to leave, and I think she’s afraid I’d be justifiably pissed if I knew everything and would get into a blow-out with L that would end either with A. Me quitting on the spot B. Him firing me on the spot. My sister said she was clearly very upset and is obviously worried this is going to result in one or the both of us leaving. I know she really does not want that, because back in 2014 I asked for a raise a few months before I left on my trip, and one of the first things she said was, “Yes, we can definitely talk about that; L and I most definitely do not want to lose you”; I hadn’t implied (or at least I hadn’t intended to), that I would look for another job if they didn’t give me more money, but me leaving was her first concern, and within probably a week, my sister and I had both got a raise.

I do not want to punish her, and L is not a bad person, but his management skills are often severely lacking, and as I said in a previous post, if he is going to cater to the asshole employees who are always causing problems and punish the good ones who show up on time, do their job without getting into personal conflicts or constantly wasting his time with petty complaints, then I think he needs to see that there are repercussions. People will eventually get fed up, and I don’t think either one of us deserves to be treated this way. My sister said she thinks he feels safe doing this because we’ve been there for so long, and he just figures we won’t leave, but this is pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back for me, and I’m trying to persuade her to look into other opportunities as well. We have been fed up for a while that some of the doctors upstairs are basically dictating how the filing system is laid out when we have told L over and over again that they (and he) are cluttering up the system with redundant categories that we already use, categories that will be used once in a blue moon, and just in general making it more of a pain in the ass to navigate; there are not the ones who have to navigate all these categories, so I think our opinions on it should carry some pretty hefty weight. We have spoken with him about this several times, and each time he agrees with us, complains about what a pain in the ass it is to deal with people upstairs, and then just goes back to doing what we asked him no to do, so sitting down and having a candid discussion with him is not an option; we’ve addressed problems with him before, and he just keeps caving to whoever whines the loudest/most. I could play that game, but I have better things to do with my time, and I’m not going to try and outshout everyone else when I have a job to do and can make much better use of my day. Also, I’m a fucking adult, not an incontinent fucking preschooler. 

It is infinitely crappy that the raise it sounds like he was prepared to agree upon back in October is now being held hostage because he is fed up with some jerkoffs complaining that we talk to each other instead of staring blankly at a windowless cubicle for eight hours a day and run movies for background noise. He knows our productivity isn’t lacking; we have bins full of confidential documents waiting to be shredded, so it’s clear we’re going through a ton of paperwork; and if he wanted to, he knows where we keep the reports: he could check and see that the trays are nearly empty/empty when we leave for the day. The people upstairs also know we are productive and not just fucking around, because when we’re behind, the whole clinic knows: reports aren’t in the charts where they’re supposed to be, people have to call down constantly looking for paperwork, etc. Several of them have commented multiple times on how surprisingly fast we are, so this has nothing to do with anyone being adversely affected, which is the only complaint that should be relevant in the workplace, and everything to do with being petty fucksticks. We don’t even interact with most of these people; we don’t even SEE them because they’re busy upstairs and don’t have time to come downstairs (except when they need to spend 30 minutes of their day whining to C), and we go upstairs only rarely to fax records and check our box for paperwork that’s ready to be filed. Which, btw, is in the nurse’s station, so they see us constantly coming and going and grabbing papers, and are therefore definitely aware that we’re not just sitting around marathoning The Bachelor or whatever. And that’s what really pisses me off about this--whoever is complaining has to know that we are obviously just running shows and movies as background noise, because if we were actually sitting and watching them intently, we’d be way behind and the repercussions of that would be felt upstairs really quickly. If we’re behind, everyone’s behind, basically, since the doctors and nurses don’t have the necessary records to review for appointments, billing can’t find the insurance info they need, etc.

I feel bad for C because I fully believe she is trying her best to handle this in a way that doesn’t screw us over and doesn’t punish us for other people’s whining, but it’s been time for my sister and I to move on for a while, and even though this is shitty, I think there’s a slightly silver lining in that it’s giving us a push to just gtfo.

[hellagaypokemon]

there’s something I really need to get off my chest, regarding someone I once considered my fave youtuber and the way he seems to view gay people..

I’ve been watching Mark’s videos for about 3 years now. I first found his videos through finding Yomimash while looking for good Slender Man LPs to watch, and found Mark when they played that gory cat multiplayer game together. I decided to watch his videos more regularly after watching his unfair Mario and cat Mario videos which were absolutely hysterical, and have been watching his content regularly ever since.

but there’s a pattern I’ve noticed that’s really made me uncomfortable lately.

I’m really starting to think that Mark is homophobic.

now, not the kind that’s obvious, where someone actually has hate in their heart (think: mike pence, the westburrow baptist church, ext) but the kind that doesn’t bother to check all the tiny biases that one accumulates in a bigoted society (the kind of thing that causes people to think there’s nothing wrong with things like this, or not seeing what’s wrong with things like constantly calling video game enemies b*tches/sons of b*tches/wh*res/ext and talking about how a player or enemy that got swiftly/dramatically killed “got raped”) because both are harmful, but I’d argue the smaller things even more-so, as no one takes the WBC seriously, but the microaggressions are so ingrained in our society, no one but those harmed actually notice, and when we attempt to call them out, we’re told we’re just being overly sensitive and to lighten up/not take things so seriously, or even that we have a victim complex.

in all the years I’ve watched him, the only time he refers to us, it’s as a joke. he and his friends love joking about “suckin’ dick” and each other’s and just general constant dick jokes (makes you wonder why he was so shocked he got a 7 for his mental maturity test) and specifically joking about gay people, which in and of itself is homophobic when you realize that type of humor is what’s called a “punch down” which in and of itself is harmful, but on top of that, specifically straight people thinking of gay people/same-sex affection as a punchline is in itself a microaggression (and if you want sources, look at the latest Golden Globes, or one of many of Stephen Colbert’s skits, just to start)

but, dick jokes in and of themselves aren’t that bad. I mean, I don’t find them funny, and the amount with which he uses them seems more like a crutch than anything, but w/e. I don’t have to find everything he says funny, but it just gets worse from there.

like for instance that pirate prop hunt video where Bob ignorantly comments about how “the whole gay thing is not real cool with pirates”, because pirates are cool and the only way he could view a pirate being gay was if he was like Smee from Peter Pan, even though most pirates were gay, to the point that the word “mate”/”matey” (the word that first comes to mind when one thinks of pirates) actually comes from a French word that more or less translated to ‘significant other’. (also, to top all that off, he’s just also not comfortable being alone with a gay man when there’s only men around, and the idea of being checked out by another man, aka treated by a gay man how straight men treat women, which he made very clear makes him very uncomfortable)

which, in and of itself is absolutely awful, and I really wish more people would have called him out on how absolutely overwhelmingly homophobic that is, but as it stands, even Mark thought it was ok enough to post.

because while Mark did say that he’s “ok” with gay people/pirates, he never really truly called Bob out or pointed out how hurtful such comments are. instead he turned it into yet another dick joke, and decided he’d put a generic “trigger warning” in the front of the video (without actually telling us what the trigger was for, making it completely useless, only succeeding on making me feel on edge the entire video because I had no idea what to expect)

he never called out Bob on his comments outside of personal minor disagreement, which clearly did not phase him since he kept going. I understand wanting to keep things lighthearted for the video, which could explain the very minor disagreeing and turning it into a joke, but there was no reason he couldn’t cut that bit out (as the prop hunt videos are always full of cuts so we the viewer only see the parts they deem funny enough to show us) and just leave it out of the video entirely, which tells me he found the homophobia from Bob and the subsequent dick jokes and everything else around it entertaining enough to leave in, even though he KNEW it would be upsetting enough to need a warning.

this hurt, but I chucked it up to not wanting to ruin the fun mood they had going, since they seemed to be playing for a few hours, and simply decided to not watch any more videos including Bob and hope that Mark talked to him after the fact. it still sat in the back of my mind though, and I was never able to fully forgive ether of them.

I’ve also yet to hear of any of his charity live streams focusing on LGBT charities ether general or focusing on a specific subset, nor has he really made any effort to actually acknowledge us (unless to joke about us).

when same-sex marriage was legalized I looked damn near daily on all the social media accounts of his that I was aware of, but I never managed to find anything. I’ve since been told he simply posted on facebook an image of the rainbow flag and “today’s a good day”, but...I still feel like my original feelings stand, as I never found it myself (and have yet to actually see it, so for all I know that post could have been completely made up in an attempt to shut me down) and for something so important, for someone who will go on a tearful 30 minute monologue about the importance of love and being kind to each other and so-on at the drop of a hat, it really feels strange that when #lovewon, after all these years of fighting and hate and death, all he had to say was “today is a good day”.

and then when Orlando happened, I was sure he’d say something. I mean, with that much loss of life and so much hate surrounding it, I thought surely he’d have something to say. I mean, he talks about death and suicide and great losses of life and how important it is that we all stick together and love and protect one another all the time. there’s no way he could just gloss over this one, right?

and yet, he still managed to. he did make a statement, but it was what, almost a week later? and just a generic “love each other” sort of post that never actually referenced anything. I’m not even sure he mentioned the shooting specifically, just saying “with everything going on right now” or something and we all knew what he meant, because there really wasn’t anything else he could be talking about. but he never once mentioned anything specifically. it was a racial and homophobic hate crime, the worst mass shooting of our time, and all he could offer to his fans was a general “be good to each other”, which he says all the time, only this time much shorter than normal.

just a little two paragraph post, a general statement, for the worst mass killing of modern time on US soil.

and if I recall, within a week of it he had another charity livestream, and it wasn’t for Orlando. nor was the next one, or the next one. he “doesn’t feel it’s his place” to say anything, and apparently he doesn’t feel it’s “his place” to send help for people literally dying ether. well, unless they’re children dying of cancer, or people trying to kill themselves. they’re the only people dying that he seems worthy enough and “his place” to send money to and bring awareness about.

but the thing that hurt me the most personally, was his comment just a few days ago in his blooper video, not two minuets in (all of which had been literally nothing but dick jokes btw) he tells two of his buddies to act like they’d just realized they’re lesbians, and they immediately recreated a porn scene, and then they all laughed at just how funny that was.

I couldn’t finish the video.

I was too hurt. never before had his homophobia been so obvious, and directed at my community specifically. nothing had hurt me quite like this does.

I’m still floored to be completely honest. I had been giving him the benefit of the doubt for so long, thinking he just really likes making dick jokes and he’s secure enough in his sexuality to be able to make jokes like that (which is a privilege in and of itself btw) but I thought surely, surely someone who’s so passionate about doing the right thing and being good to people and who actively talks about being ok with us and not uncomfortable around us at all (unlike Bob) and who actively jokes about the fanfiction and art he knows about that depict him and his male friends as lovers, surely he himself would never partake in dehumanizing anyone, surely he couldn’t be homophobic.

but when you look at him and how he treats us compared to say, HarshyCritical, you can see the difference. (especially since after making this post it was brought to my attention that just a minute into the latest video he made with Bob, the one posted the same day I write this, they laugh at the use of a violently homophobic slur)

especially since the person whom John seems closest to and colabs the most with is himself a gay man. they even share a channel together where all they post is multiplayer colabs.

I don’t know if John’s done any LGBT-centric charity streams, but the fact that his good or possibly even best friend is a gay man and how he treats the narrative and characters in a game where the story is all about dealing with homophobia and being yourself says a lot more in his favor that anything Mark has done. (which is also very ironic since John lives in the very homophobic state of Texas and Mark now lives in the very liberal state of California)

I honestly can’t find a single thing he’s said about us specifically that wasn’t a joke, and he’s made it painfully clear that in the end that’s all he sees us as.

inherently sexual, a porn category, something to laugh at, something other.

and the thing that hurts the most, is no one cares. he just got 16 million subscribers. most of his fans are homophobic fangirls who treat homosexuality as a fetish for them to enjoy, and everyone else is too much of a stan to think critically of his actions. no one will want to call him out. he’s too much of a “good person”, since everyone’s expectations of men and male gamers is so low, with the bar being fuckin buried in the dirt, that someone like Mark who cares about sick kids and depression and preventing suicide and all of his talking about caring about each and every one of us as individuals, he looks like a damn angel just by walking over that bar, so anyone wanting to call him out will be blown off as someone who just wants to bring him down because of jealousy or some bullshit like that.

so at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. he could be as openly homophobic as he wants, and every non-straight fan could up and drop him on the spot, and I doubt it would really affect him much.

and I think that’s what hurts more than anything he’s actually said or done.