#(i still remember being shocked tho he was who i attached myself the most to - bc i ALWAYS thought it would be nancy or robin when i finall

[theha1r]

the good thing abt getting into st so late & not until s4 is that i never had to go through that time period of hating steve like so many others did. like i’ve never had to hate him & he’s been my baby boy from day one

[lo-frequency]

Hi I love your blogand your writinh so much it's so good!

Could I request a shoto/denki and toga x chubby reader (if you're not comfortable writing with toga you can just to denki and shoto) thanks!

Fortunately for you, anon, I did them all! (and it's kinda long, so my bad lol) Also, there's mention of insecurity in Toga's, but it quickly turns to fluff. As always, please enjoy!

Denki

-Believe it or not, Denki was nervous to confess to you because he was afraid of being rejected. You’re so cute and cool and that he was sure there’s no way you actually returned his feelings. It was worth a shot, tho. So imagine his joy when you said you felt the same way :)

-Rants about you all the time to his friends, to the point where they feel like they know you personally before you’ve even met. They also get to hear all the tmi stories about what the two of you do alone, because he can’t help himself (if they don’t walk away first, lol).

-He knew you looked squishy before, but couldn’t believe how soft your skin was when he finally got to hold you. It was almost unfair. He often finds himself caressing your skin mindlessly whenever you’re close together, hand always ghosting across your arm or hand (or your thigh ;) ).

-Lays back on you to play video games, his head cushioned by your pillowy chest and the rest of his body situated between your legs as you watch him play. Play in his hair or rub his arms and he will fall asleep. The tingly feeling he gets when cuddling with you is his favorite kind of electricity.

-Zaps your butt “by accident”

-Easily flustered, but he tries to play it off with his cool act. Just kiss his cheek or tell him he’s handsome and watch him ramble about knowing he’s “irresistible” until he flushes red up to his ears.

-Denki can be pretty corny at times but he does have his serious moments, mostly when you two are alone together. He shows you what’s beneath his goofy facade, a boy with dreams and aspirations just like everyone else. After seeing this side of him, it’s a little irritating to hear people reduce him to an idiot (although he does have his moments 💀)

-Them thighs tho 😏 “Dang babe, you been working out?” “Not really, Kaminari” He clucks his tongue. “Sheesh, imagine being that thicc...naturally” he says, shaking his head as if it were a shame.

-Truly believes he has the best s/o in the whole school. Does not take offense to being called a simp 🤷🏾‍♀️.

-Wasn’t aware of it at first, but became super attracted to people with your same body type. His eyes always lingered on them in public, and he couldn’t help but think they were kinda hot (sorry, y/n)

-Very affectionate, but loves to receive as much as give, so please give this man plenty of kithes and hugs, he gets the shakes if he doesn’t get his daily dose of Y/n love.

-Y’all are so silly together, always cracking jokes or giggling about something. You eventually develop a similar sense of humor, and have so many inside jokes people can’t decipher your conversation. If anybody has anything negative to say about y’all: Denki puts his hand over his earpiece and says to you (from right next to him) “Pikachu to Big Sexy, I’m picking up some negative vibes on the radar, do you copy?” And you, holding your hand up to your own ear, say “Affirmative, doing a diagnostic scan...it’s a hater, confirmed.” Cue the obnoxious laughter, lmaoo

-Never forgets the anniversaries or relationship milestones. He even remembers the date of yall’s first kiss, and thinks about it every time the date passes (although he wouldn’t tell you that tho, that would be too sappy, even for him).

Shoto

-The way you and Shoto became acquainted was a little unorthodox. You fell on him during a training session one day, and the feeling of your soft body pressed against his was a new experience for him, to put it mildly. Shoto stood up from it a changed man. Call it an awakening, if you will.

-You were a little put off by all his staring since that incident, thinking he didn’t like you despite all your profuse apologies. But after Izuku dropped hints that it was probably fascination rather than contempt, your relationship progressed smoothly from there (thanks mostly to your efforts, since Shoto had no clue how to approach you).

-Shoto still had a staring problem once y’all became official, too. Whenever you asked him what he was looking at, he was not ashamed to tell you exactly why: you are too fine not to stare (ok, maybe he didn’t say it exactly like that)

-Not overly affectionate in public, but has a tendency to always stand or sit close to you whenever he can. Just sharing the same space is intimate to him.

-Sharing a bowl of soba noodles 💕

-Buys you expensive gifts all the time, and loves to see you using them. Especially if it’s clothes, it’s like a piece of him is always with you even when you’re not together (plus, it shows you’re all his ;) ).

-Now, I’m gonna tell y’all a little secret. It’s pretty shocking, so be warned: Shoto sometimes pretends to be oblivious when you hint at wanting affection, just to make you beg for it. Maybe you brush your hand against his, and he moves it. Or maybe he saw you lean for a kiss and he casually turns the other way just to hear you complain. He likes it, makes him feel wanted.

-Devious, I know, but just get even 😏

-When y’all are alone, he loves when you hold him close and just sit there, peacefully enjoying each other’s presence. He also likes to lay on your lap while reading a book or watching tv with you, slowly nodding off as you comb your fingers through his hair.

-Obsessed with you, but not in an unhealthy way, it’s just that you’ve become such a big part of his life that he kinda...thinks about you all the time. Shoto is canonically not very talkative, but I think that with you, he’d open up more about his true thoughts and feelings. So when he shoots you that blank stare when his classmates are up to some bull, you know exactly what it means.

-Also revels in knowing you that well, too. He’d flex how much he knows about you to the other people and sometimes unintentionally embarrasses you in the process

-For example: “Here Y/n, a cherry popsicle just for you!” Shoto immediately hands you some napkins before adding “Y/n doesn’t usually eat cherry popsicles, they always drop the red juice on their clothes.” Like gee, good looking out Shoto...thanks for telling the whole class I can’t eat without messing up my clothes 💀. He’s sweet tho, he has good intentions.

Toga

-She made it very clear from the beginning that she liked you, and with how smitten she was, who were you to refuse her (aggressive) advances?

- She thought your plump figure was just so cute, one of the cutest things she’d ever seen, and she quickly developed an unhealthy obsession with squeezing your chub.

-When you two are together, Toga is always attached to you in some way, whether she’s hanging off your arm or has her arms looped around your shoulders.

-Starts to eat the same foods you eat, borrow your clothes all the time, listen to your favorite artists, whatever way she could become closer to you

-Writes you love letters or sends you cute text messages all the time, you’re always on her mind, even when she’s on missions. “My Y/n is wayy cuter than you! Let’s get this over quick so I go back to them, ok? 🥰 🔪🔪”

-I know y’all were waiting for this...she most definitely uses her quirk on you. Toga loves you so much, she wants to become you. So one day, you finally allow her to give it a try.

-She tells you to close your eyes, and when she gives you permission to open them, you find yourself staring...yourself in the face. And you do not like it 🤢. There’s something so strange about seeing yourself in 3rd person, in all dimensions. Is this how you look to her, all the time? You quickly lose interest in this little charade, looking everywhere but at yourself as Toga prances around doing sexy poses in your body and giggling. However, when she sees your reaction, she stops.

- “Hm? What’s wrong, Y/n?” she asks with a tilt of (your) her head. You glance at yourself, then look away again. “This is so weird. I don’t like looking at myself” you say, grimacing at the slight bounce and jiggle of your body when she walks toward you.

-In Toga’s eyes, you were absolutely adorable. In fact, she was getting a little hot and bothered just taking peeks at herself (you) in the mirror. She’s used to feeling you up for sure, but being you was a whole other experience. Though, she can understand your insecurity. After all, it’s hard to live in a world that constantly tells you your true self is abnormal. She knows from experience.

-So, she comes up to you with a flirty grin on her face...and starts showering you with kisses, in your body! You start to protest, weirded out by the feeling of your own lips on your cheeks but she would not relent. Toga was determined to show you what being loved (by you) felt like from her perspective, with your irresistible “imperfections” and all 💕

Thanks for tuning in! :)

[blanknamed]

trial and error pt. 2 [senku x reader]

NOT ME FORGETTING TO POST CHAPTER TWO LMAOOO SORRY HERE IT IS THO

SHIPPING: SENKU X READER

PREMISE: [Name] had always known Senku was a little bit of an oddball but that’s what made him so interesting to her as children. Now in the Stone World, he’s only even more interesting what with his claims about shooting up to a million years worth of technology back, but some things never change with him; specifically on the concept of love. As a way to get him to think about it as something other than “disgusting feelings” she proposes for him to think of it differently, though it seems to be going in a direction she never expected.

PART ONE - PART TWO - PART THREE

{–*–}

CHAPTER TWO: CONTEMPLATION

How did I get myself into this situation? [Name] asked herself desperately, watching Ruri shuffle around her hut, staring at the dresses given by the village women lined up neatly on the floor. She held up a blue dress [Name]’s way, who only stared at the shortened skirt. Just the look alone was enough for Ruri to understand that she didn’t like it, causing her to giggle at the reaction.

“You don’t seem to be happy about this even though you were the one who gave Senku the idea.” Ruri stated as she kneeled behind her to start braiding [Name]’s unruly hair.

“Just because I gave him the idea doesn’t mean I wanted to be his little test subject.” [Name] groaned. An unreadable look passed Ruri as she watched the younger girl’s growing discomfort. If she was even more redder, she would’ve matched what she had looked like a few hours ago.

“Huh?” [Name] asked as she stared at Senku, who only looked at her pointedly. Quickly, blood rushed on every part of her face as she started stutter. “Wha--I--you did not just say what I thought I heard you say.”

“What part did you not understand?” Senku asked dismissively, talking as if he hadn’t just asked out his childhood friend on a date. “I might as well take you on one to get good feedback. No one else gives any as specifc as you.”

Feedback.

Feedback.

The word kept repeating in [Name]’s head, almost making her dizzy. What did she expect, though? She told him, a scientist, to treat it like an experiment. Test a hypothesis. She was pretty sure he only wanted to take her in particular because (1) he wanted good feedback, like he had said, and (2) if there was even a slight chance he was going to take another girl on a date, Senku was going to force [Name] to come along to examine and analyze. Which was, by common sense, not really going to be a date.

“Oi, you don’t say that to a girl, especially if you just asked her out.” Chrome called out, punching Senku on the shoulder. “Not to mention isn’t that a breach in--what was it? Ethnics? Right?”

“Ethics.” Gen corrected before nodding in confirmation, looking at the two friends. “There’s a lot of things that could go wrong because you’re not following the right rules here, Senku-chan. Wouldn’t it be better to just pair up two different villagers who are single and see how romance can be attainable from there?”

[Name] could see slight movements from her side, where a few of the younger villagers turned a hue of pink as they glanced at one another, probably thinking about the prospect of being one of Senku’s experiements. Seeing that the benefits outweighing the negative prospects (not getting injured in any way possible, no one being able to see them except possibly Senku, and the prospects of a lover), it looked like a few of them were already making the decision to be part of it.

But this was Senku. He wasn’t about to play matchmaker if he himself couldn’t even find a reason to think that love wasn’t some illogical construct to fill up human loneliness. She wasn’t the only who was thinking that, though, as Kohaku spoke up.

“But this is about Senku thinking he can’t have those types of feelings so its gonna have to be him.” She replied blandly. “[Name] was probably chosen because he wants her to be there to watch him for any signs, regardless if its here being taken on a date or not.”

“That and she proposed the idea so she’s going to do it.” Senku piped up, sending [Name] a teasing grin.

[Name], burning even redder, stuttered some more. “You-You’ve got to be kidding me Senku. This must be some type of joke. I only said that to make conversation.”

“It was an interesting conversation and a weird statement that I wanna experiment on. Nothing less expected from you, though, [Name].” Senku replied as he kept slurping at the last of his ramen. “Besides its not like you have anything to do tonight.”

“Yeah, but--wait, tonight? Don’t you have get things in order--start out a claim, set up the experiment?” [Name] rambled, now even more confused. 

Kohaku met Chrome’s eyes with a deadpanned expression. Leave it to [Name] to treating it like an actual experiment and finding the faults. Though, Senku wasn’t usually one to leave out so many variables that could ruin the experiment.

“These are special cicumstances; have you ever participated in your own experiments? Adjustments will be made, yeah, but we might as well start it today and talk about it during the date. Just meet me by the bridge tonight. We’ll go to the field, go on a date, and then you can report to me anything you saw. Sound good? Cool. Now lets get back to work.” Senku said, standing up dusting off his pants, leaving a bewildered [Name] and possibly most of the village in his wake.

If it hadn’t been for a few of the village women, [Name] wouldn’t have been pulled out of her daze and internal panic. She’s had crushes on boys, yeah, but going on a date? Not really. She was too busy with school and helping her mother out at the store. There were a few times where she had almost gone on a one, but something always made her call in for a raincheck and then never proceeding afterwards.

But here she was 3,700 years later, sitting in a priestess’s hut, getting ready to go on a date with the world’s biggest asshole.

Kohaku had been the one to think about bringing the younger girl up to Ruri, explaining what had went down. Surprisingly, the village priestess was the least bit shocked about the events, deciding to (calmly) agree anyways to help relieve some of the immense stress [Name] was feeling. At the mention of Ruri helping created some domino effect with the village women, all offering to help [Name] get ready, much to her dismay.

“Its not like Senku’s gonna make the effort to dress nicely. I swear he wouldn’t have showered if I hadn’t made Chrome and Kinro drag him to the river a few days ago! Not to mention he’s only doing this to prove a point; that’s why he’s rushing it so quickly. So I really don’t think all of you should be treating this as anything special.” [Name] tried to reason as she watched the women pull up rope-like jewelry up to her body.

Kohaku scoffed. “Its not like boys know how to take care of themselves in the first place. I’m pretty sure one of the men in the village has his head screwed on properly or most likely Gen is gonna make him dress up just a little bit. Not to mention if this is an experiment then he’s most likely not trying to botch it to just prove a point.”

“Then why was he being so… So…” [Name] trailed off, not quite putting a word on it.

“Adamant?” Ruby offered as she held up a pretty necklace with a jewel attached to it.

“Excited?” Garnet said next as she pushed her chin up to spread something on her mouth. Lipstick? [Name] inquired. I guess the need for makeup never changes after so many years.

“Not really excited but--hold on, didn’t you three want to go on a date with Senku? I thought you’d be mad or something.” [Name] stated, clearly remembering the usual formula of girl’s behaviors during the modern era. It usually involved in some type of “she said he said” situation, where rumors ensued. At the very least, the three sisters should have been upset with her for Senku’s selection in dates.

Sapphire shrugged as she plucked at [Name]’s baggy dress. “We were for a few hours, but we might as well help since you look like you don’t know the first thing about going on a date.”

“Wha--Hey!” [Name] retorted, offended before backtracking. I mean, it’s not like they’re wrong.

“Maybe he actually likes you.” Kohaku suggested as she sat across from [Name]. Silence filled the room as all the girls stared at them. A moment passed between the two girls as they looked at one another until [Name] bursted out laughing, almost smearing her cheek against the lipstick hovering in front of her.

“Not possible. I’m pretty sure he sees me more of a germ than a person. Not to mention he’s never really found the girls in his own grade--the ones older than me--attractive so what’s the likely chance he sees me that way?” She asked when she stopped. She recalled a rumor swirling around the school about Senku rejecting over 10 girls during Valentine’s Day, all of them varying in popularity and looks. 

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, [Name]-san.” Ruri commented as she held another dress up to her, this one looking a little more decent. “You’re easily one of the prettiest girls here.”

“Don’t make me laugh again…” [Name] mumbled to herself, flinching when she felt Sapphire poke at her waist once again. “Oi, why are are you poking me?”

“I’m trying to see what your shape is like so we can let you try on one of the dresses.” Sapphire replied, pouting. “Why do you have to wear such baggy clothes?”

“Practicality.” Was the only response [Name] gave as she tried to keep still when makeup was being put on her.

“That’s a lame excuse. I bet you’re just hiding the fact you have small boobs.”

“My boobs have nothing to do with my clothes. Besides, small boobs or not, it shouldn’t matter what people think about them--!” [Name] yelled out, embarrassed, as a dress was thrown onto her lap.

It was blue, like most of the villager’s clothing, but it seemed more simple and less body-hugging like most of the clothes. It flowed down near the bust, where it had folded nicely around it to adjust to anyone wearing it. The sleeves were puffy and ended where her biceps began, looking kind of like neatly made muffins. Instead of a rope, a thin piece of cloth of the same color was tied to the front, giving a nice, simple finish for the clothing.

If Mom was still alive, she’d probably be looking at how well done this dress was with just a simple loom and needle. [Name] thought as she marveled at the tiny needlework near the waist, creating tiny little flowers near the top. Looking up, she met Ruri’s gentle smile. “That should fit you since one of the village women is identical to your body shape. Now, lets get you dressed; you have to meet up with Senku soon.”

PREVIOUS PART - NEXT PART

[brideofcthulhu10]

Hi! Uh so Billy aka Dwayne and I have the same birthday (June 23). I don't really like my birthday because I've never gotten to celebrate. I haven't had a party since I was a kid and now I just always spend the day sad and with no friends. If you wanna write something with the lost boys celebrating Dwayne and reader's birthday together, I'd really love it. (No pressure tho. I really love your blog and hope you'll have a great day ✨)

Aw, I’m sorry to hear you’ve not been able to celebrate your birthday for such a long time. Hopefully I can give you a little taste of a great birthday with the boys, and a very special (belated) birthday to you from myself and all of my readers, you are an honorary Fang Babe which makes you a part of a community that’s there for each other! If you ever feel sad, I got my DMs open 24/7 if you ever need to just vent up a storm! All are welcome. 

Happy Birthday to You Both

Dwayne x Fem!S/O

Today was supposed to be special, yet the entire day everyone was so preoccupied with their own little lives that no one had even bothered to remember it was your birthday today. It was absolutely miserable. All the while your boyfriend Dwayne was currently tucked away at the abandoned hotel hiding away from the sunlight. Bursting into flames was certainly an occupational hazard. By this point the whole vampirism thing had come and gone, and while it did frighten you, nothing was more frightening than being without your dark crow.   

Rather than stay at home to be ignored you opted to go out for the afternoon, browsing shops for a special occasion. No, not yourself. See, as luck would have it, June 23rd also held significance to Dwayne. Marko, one of the younger members of the coven, had told you two weeks prior it would be Dwayne’s birthday as well. You had to keep your own secret. Not at their request, but your own. Overshadowing his birthday would be dreadful, you hated the idea of taking it from him. Besides, no one remembered anyways. 

Weaving through brightly lit shops, you pondered each piece wondering what would suit him best. Clothes were out, maybe a new skateboard? Just looking at the little white tags stuck to the back of them made you cringe. Okay, so that was out. You weren’t made of money. 

There was an old mystic shop selling a handful of oddities, somewhere called Madame Medusa’s Mystical Boutique. A few interesting necklaces caught your eye, but one seemed to be directly calling you. It was a crow skull attached to a leather cord, bordered by two carved red beads on either side. Two thick black feathers were wedged between the beads. Gently you slipped it off the hook, running your thumb over the chilled, smooth surface. 

“It’s a lovely item, isn’t it,” an elderly woman asked. Truthfully she startled you from behind the counter, almost making you jump a few good inches. 

“O-Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see-”

“Don’t worry dear, hardly anyone does,” she chuckled, tenderly plucking the skull from your hand. “Shall I wrap this up for you?”

“Oh- Well I wasn’t, I mean it’s nice but-,” you stuttered, but already she was shuffling towards the counter again. Boy pushy woman. You didn’t even know how much it cost, you weren’t exactly on a budget but you couldn’t be going on any big spending sprees.

“Hush now. He’s going to be waiting for you, somewhere nearby. I can guarantee that this is the one you’re meant to give him,” she insisted, wrapping the necklace under aged brown paper. 

“Yeah, I’m sure he’d like it but-,” you couldn’t help but trail off. How- How did she know?

The woman pushed the little baggie your way, giving a tender smile before she began to hobble towards a curtained room behind the counter.

“W-Wait, I didn’t even pay for it!”

She waved off your concern, looking behind her shoulder while she parted the curtains in her path. 

“Consider it a present from those who neglected you. Take it to him, you’ll see..” And with that she vanished behind them, leaving you stunned where you stood. Silently you glanced down at the small plastic bag, almost jumping in place when a dusty old grandfather clock began to ring through the store. One, two, three, four, five, six. Oh! It was already six o’clock. Crap the boys would be up any minute!

It didn’t take too long to spot the gang of vampires sitting on the worn, wooden banisters talking amongst themselves. Dwayne was just as eager to spot you, sweeping between the boys and lifting you up in his arms. “Happy birthday, princess,” He gushed, planting tender kisses all over your cheeks.

“How did you know? I didn’t-”

“My bad,” Marko spoke up. He leaned back from behind Paul to wave your way, as if he were waving a flag of defeat. Damn. You weren’t even sure how Marko figured out your birthday in the first place, there was just no keeping secrets from that guy! 

Dwayne set you down, although he carried a much more concerned expression this time. “Why keep it a secret in the first place, Y/N?”

You fiddled with the bag still clutched in your hand with eyes cast downward towards your feet hoping a good excuse could get you out of just admitting you’d rather play backseat. But, you didn’t. Not that you couldn’t come up with any excuses. Rather, you didn’t want to be sidelined even for your boyfriend’s birthday. It was yours too, and for the past several years it seemed like you were constantly being set aside so that other things could happen. Your sister’s wedding, that trip to Colorado your parents took, grandma and grandpa visiting, your brother’s soccer games- everything seemed to take precedence over the celebration of the day you were born. And worst of all is you never got your Sixteen Candles happy ending. No one would really recognize they screwed up. You wouldn’t be apologized to with tearful shock when your parents realized they forgot your birthday, your friends- if you could even call them that at this point- wouldn’t try to cheer you up, and there was no handsome crush ready with a birthday cake to make it all go away. It’s like Dwayne already knew your feelings because before you could get a word in he pulled you into a crushing hug. Your head pressed against his chest. Sometimes you forgot he had no heartbeat and instead only listened to him rumble when he spoke to you.

“Just because today is for me, doesn’t mean it isn’t for you too, princess.” 

Those words hit you harder than you anticipated. Your throat felt as if it were swelling, dry with each labored swallow, and a tight pressure squeezed the bridge of your nose. Inevitable tears eagerly rushed down your while burnt cheeks. 

Dwayne only held you in place. He never let go until you were the one ready to release him, wiping away those pesky droplets of emotion staining you. “Now, I was saving this for when we took you to the hotel…,” he began with his hand jammed into his jacket pocket, rustling around for whatever it was he needed. “But, I figure maybe you need it now.”

A thick banded ring of aged silver sat in his calloused palm, an oval cut of turquoise clasped in place by a weaving border. Veins of black and copper split through chunks of blue-green paths. Rather hold it out to you, Dwayne tenderly took your hand into his own to slip the hefty piece over your ring finger. It nestled perfectly in place and you couldn’t help but let out a breathless laugh, slinging your arms over his neck. He already knew what to expect. Iron arms engulfed your waist and lifted you up. His stubble scratched the edges of your mouth when you crashed your lips into his. The sensation was overwhelming. It wasn’t just that he got you this, it was what he had gotten you. 

Dwayne had often told you myths and lore on lazy nights when the hunting grew slow and the hours were long. Once you found yourself admiring a very similar cut of jewelry decadently adorned with many fine cuts of turquoise, finding your curiosity piqued when asking him what the significance was to all these pieces. Why was it such a commonly used stone in so much jewelry, especially with Native American tribes.

“From what I can remember,” Dwayne thought back at the time, leaning over you to admire the pricey baubles kept protected under a thick sheet of glass “, my grandmother told me that every tribe has always valued it. I mean, they all have their reasons. It’s a powerful gem that carries protection, life and strength. I’ve even seen it change colors depending on where you find it. I hardly ever saw it though when I was alive, even back then it cost a fortune.”

But now, through one way or another he’d remembered how you admired them from afar, yearning to have a ring like that of your very own. The one to five hundred dollar price tags always scared you off whenever you’d come to find them in stores- at least, the real ones. For once you didn’t care how Dwayne had acquired your gift. Gift! Oh!

“Oh, hold on,” You interjected between kisses with the little bag presented before him. “I um, got you something too. From that crazy lady in the mystic items shop!”

A warmth spread through your chest watching him lay the necklace over, the skull placing perfectly atop his many others. It suited him perfectly. 

The whole night was just perfect. You spent the entire time going on rides with the boys after they spoiled you for dinner, later dragging you to the hotel where you realized what Dwayne meant earlier. There were streams of colored paper hanging off the rafters and old piping, red balloons tied to the furniture, and a banner of paper reading out “Happy Birthday Dwayne and Y/N” written in big, red marker letters. You couldn’t even make a wish when they brought out a cake for the both of you. After all, what more could be asked? They had already given you the most perfect birthday you could have ever hoped for. 

[thisiskatsblog]

Hey, sorry if this is too personal or if you’ve already answered it. Would you mind telling how you realized you were bisexual? I’m kinda confused and struggling a bit 😫

Hi there! Warm hugs to you! Confusion happens. Struggling with that is really normal and okay. Whatever it is that’s confusing you, there’s probably a lot to unpack, but it’s good you’re not running away from it. For me, there were cues all along, but clarity came when for the first time, and this was in my mid- twenties, I allowed myself to sit with all of my feelings, without pushing any of them away. Because pushing them away, I only then realized, I had been doing for a very long time. 

It was almost insignificant. My partner commented positively on the female violinist at a Sparklehorse concert. I was really pissed and scolded him about it. He said I shouldn’t feel so offended as “She’s your type”. For a moment I felt like I was about to explode. He meant to say she looked like me, but for a second I understood something different. And I had a flash of realization. I had been about to act offended, which would have been blatantly homophobic, but underneath, I had also felt a tinge of relief, YES she WAS my type, I liked this woman, I’d do her. And it was this mix of “oh god I almost acted like a homophobic prick” and “oh god FINALLY someone GETS me” that made me realize - OH. I have these feelings, and they have been making me miserable, because I feel like I should be pushing them away. But what if I didn’t act like a prick to myself, what if I stopped being scared of them, stopped pushing them away? I watched the rest of that concert mesmerized by the wonder of my feelings for Sparklehorse’s cute violinist, and realized, yes, I feel sexual desire for women, and that’s never going to go away. My sexual desire for men had always been clear and without question to me, I knew that wasn’t going to go away either. So that was the start of a long, and still ongoing, journey of gradually looking my feelings in the eye, and starting to understand I was always going to feel attracted to more than one gender, and trying to navigate that fact in a biphobic and bi erasing world. It is not always easy and simple. I don’t feel I’m fully there; but looking it in the eye really made me a better, nicer, happier person.  

I have probably shared the full story in the past and I may have tagged it “bisexuality” or “me”, but I feel ya so I’m happy to tell the story again. Under the cut. And: always here to talk. 

Clearly it’s something that was always there, and the realization came in many many stages. When I first heard of the concept gay people (it was the eighties, in the context of AIDS) I asked my mom “but what if I turn out to be gay” and her absolute certainty that I wouldn’t, really did not sit right with me. I was 8 and could not imagine getting naked with anyone, but I could imagine marrying a girl. I think I already realized I liked some girls a bit more than others in my very early teens, but it took the form of strong admiration.  I grew up in a strongly religious and homophobic environment, incredibly powerful incentives all around to ignore those feelings, stay far away from them, not explore them, just, pretend they were not there and label them “I just REALLY want to be her friend”. Just blame that tingly feeling in your chest when you sat close and she talked in your ear on the strong smell of her perfume. And later, telling yourself this is a phase, a test. Yep, must be God testing me - praying (something i considered useless long before I lost all faith), but praying, probably the last time I did it, please God, help me, please let this go away. I cried an entire night long. And forgot about that episode for more than ten years. Pushed it as far as I could in my memory.

 Knowing for absolutely sure I liked guys, I was sure I could not be a lesbian (and didn’t want to be, the homophobia was deeply engrained) and I was sure this would eventually go away. And it did, I got a boyfriend, he was cool, and beautiful, and delicate, and he had long hair. Boyfriends came and went until I met a girl who instantly became my best friend on the day we met, and someone - probably thinking we looked cosy - handed us a flyer to an LGBT event at uni that same day (I should write a fic based on this I know). She said “let’s go, for fun”, and me, remembering the goddess from high school who had inspired my desperate prayers, though, yeah, I should look into this, and said, “yeah, for giggles”. We went and I... did NOT feel at home. I’m rather femmy, and most of the women there were pretty butch, and I just... did not feel attracted or like I belonged. I also didn’t like it when the groups split up and the guys went elsewhere. We watched a lame movie about a woman discovering herself and my friend had opinions. One of which was “I don’t want to go for the drinks after, you’re prettier than any of the girls here anyway, let’s go to mine and have some tea”. I am pretty flirt blind I have to tell you that at this point. Over all the years that we were best friends we emotionally functioned as a co-dependent couple, but I never took any of those things she said, like “you are more important to me than any boy could be” seriously. Like, at all. I was pretty dense. Plain stupid, really. But I agreed with her and said, yeah no, not interested, let’s have tea at your place. All the environmental homophobia had deeply hidden me from myself. So we stayed best friends who acted a bit like a couple. 

So i was completely oblivious, but it must have been around this time that I at some point woke up from a very sexy, pleasing dream, which I had not wanted to wake up from, and realized, hey, that was a girl, with delicious boobs, lush lips and beautiful curly hair I was just dreaming of. SHOCK. It was not a phase... By then I’d had sexual experiences, had grown comfortable with being a sexual being (coming from such a religious upbringing, that in itself took ages) and I could look it in the eye. Sexual desire for women. But I thought it was just that. Hmm, I apparently like thinking of sex with women. Not a hair on my head that considered a romantic relationship, building a life with a woman. It was before women could get married to eachother and have children. Ellen had come out maybe a year or two before, or three, or five, I don’t know - point is: I didn’t know any long term female couples. There were no examples.

That said, my friend and I were sometimes perceived as a couple (I will never forget the time someone congratulated us on planning to move in together, or the time someone called her my sweetheart instead of my friend (girlfriend and friend are the same word in Dutch, so I cannot imagine the times people used that word meaning something other than I took it for, or the times I said it and people took it for something else). But people really close to us thought we were an item. Except there were boyfriends, coming in and out of our lives through revolving doors. They generally didn’t bother me. I mean, mine, always delicate long haired boys, sometimes wearing makeup or girls’ clothes, DEFINITELY did not bother me. But they annoyed her. She never thought any of them was good enough for me. I didn’t think any of her boyfriends were quite good enough for her, but she was clearly also not serious about them, so they didn’t bother me. Until we made plans to move into an appartment together and she sent me househunting with her then boyfriend who was also looking for something, and he inadvertently said “i don’t need something big, I expect I’ll be spending most of my time at your apartment”. I cancelled the plans immediately and I didn’t even know why it hurt me so much. 

Worst. Breakup. Ever. She was extremely upset over it as well. People who knew us well could just not get what had happened. And it took me years to figure out how I had been separating my strong emotional attachment to her very neatly from any sexual attraction I felt to the female body. Years later, I figured out that my behaviour on a beach holiday with our respective temp boyfriends, had been pure jealousy and repression. One time she wanted to bathe topless and I got completely upset. My boyfriend was upset at me “not trusting him”, her boyfriend was upset at me “being a prude”, and she was upset at me refusing to look at her and “treating her like a slut” (I wish). But really I was scared shitless. I did not want to look at her boobs. Without being in any way conscious of it, I looked away to avoid having to recognize sexual feelings. That same holiday her boyfriend at some point stood stark naked on a table. I looked away from his private parts as well, a little less though, those feelings were also not desirable considering he was her boyfriend, but - you know - more familiar, and less scary. When I heard her bumping the headboard in the room next door, I wanted to have loud sex with my boyfriend too. 

And years later, I had sex with her boyfriend as well. After he’d long been dumped and replaced, after I’d cancelled the moving in plans. After she and I had tentatively started talking again. I begged him never to tell her anything about it ever. It felt like the worst betrayal, as I knew she had truly cared for him and I couldn’t bear for her to find out. I don’t think she ever did. I also never stopped feeling guilty about it. What she thought of me was the only thing I cared about. 

There was a short interlude with a hot redhead I’d developed sexual desire for, still not taking the possibility of a relationship with a woman seriously, and running into her in the underwear department with exactly the same set in her hands, and thinking, oh, to buy underwear for her, wrap it, gift it to her on her birthday, and that eliciting the picture of a longer term relationship with her, and thinking, yeah for her I might not mind people thinking i was gay, I’d be proud to introduce her to my friends - an easier thought to entertain when it’s entirely hypothetical and also realizing then: uhm. People thought I’d be a lesbian, like they now think I’m straight. Perhaps this is the reason why I do not know anyone who is bisexual. I just think of them all as straight, or gay. The invisibility of people who are bisexual was a really difficult one for me. It’s SO difficult to picture coming out as bisexual when no one you know is living any kind of example. Anyway. This was a fantasy, but a useful one in making progress towards understanding myself. 

Enter the man I ended up having a child with. He had been in the picture for a while. The “girlfriend” from before (that’s what I call her now) had always warned me off him, didn’t think we’d be a good match. But I really liked him, that wasn’t going away. So when it turned out he liked me too, we got together and it worked. It was our last year of uni, and after, she moved away for an internship, and I moved in with him. She visited once, which led to his confession that he hated her guts, and her confession that she hated his, followed by a list of denigrating comments about our living circumstances. She was clearly not supportive of the relationship that was everything to me so the decision was easy to cut her out. This was even worse than the first “breakup”, complete with nightmarish dreams and withdrawal symptoms. I kept dreaming about her an din those dreams we’d make up and apologize for all the horrible things we had said and done to eachother. I also kept having sexual dreams of Madonna, and a hot friend of ours. Which I’d discuss with my boyfriend. He could relate. It must have been around this time that I started truly questioning the nature of my lost relationship with the girl.

The relationship with my boyfriend was good but I did display some serious unpleasantness around... certain issues. I’d always had that with my boyfriends. I had issues with pictures of beautiful girls on their walls. Particularly if they had nice boobs. They had all seen that as inappropriate jealousy or prudishness. Jealousy it was, but not the kind they thought. To me, the realization FINALLY came as I was at a concert with my boyfriend, and he was talking appreciatively about a female violinist. I acted angry and upset. He called me a prude. I denied it. He called me jealous. I denied it. He thought I was acting like a pain in the ass anyway and said I should feel honoured, cause “She’s your type”, he said. 

And my brain went “Ah”. Indeed, she is my type. I’d do her. BUT I CANNOT SAY THAT AND I HATE YOU FOR BEING ABLE TO SAY THAT. I was jealous, cause he was allowed to express desire for women, and I felt that I was not. So that was it, my aha moment during a Sparklehorse concert. He had meant ‘she looks a bit like you’, I got him completely wrong, but I am so thankful I did. 

That’s unfortunately not the end of the story. But it was the turning point. I had finally understood. It was the starting point of me revisiting all the past issues, stringing all the beads I just painted for you together, making sense of my own story. I made a resolution then and there, that - whatever else - I was probably never ever going to come out, because bisexuality did not exist in my world,  but I would allow myself to feel sexual desire for women. I was going to stop hating myself for it, and I was going to stop hating others for being allowed to feel something I didn’t allow myself to feel. I instantly became a much more pleasant person to everyone I know. And enjoyed my raunchy dreams about Sparklehorse’s violinist, Madonna, and a certain redhead. 

On online fan forums I started migrating to LGBTQ content, it was my way of staying in touch with my community, as there was none in my real life. There was no local  bi group that I knew of, and though I did attend some lesbian parties with a lesbian friend, besides her, most lesbians I met were not very welcoming. The fact that I had a boyfriend of course did not help. I should not be blaming them. 

I found my people online. Started introducing myself to people I met online as bi. Started figuring out how I had been suppressing my sexual desire for women. Then when I couldn’t deny that anymore, had been separating my emotional attachment to women from sexual desire. Realized that societal heteronormativity had made it almost impossible for me to conceive of women as potential long term romantic partners. Casual sex with women I could definitely conceive of, and co-dependent strongly emotional more than friendships eclipsing all the men entering and leaving through revolving doors. But a healthy, stable, romantic, emotional and sexual partnership with a woman? That seemed impossible to me. 

I worked hard to change that, and opening my mind to it, and to the idea that sometimes, you love more than one person at the same time; This has really helped me accept my feelings, myself, who I am. And as I said, it made my life a lot better. It’s gradually allowed me to develop the confidence to come out to people I trust, friends, colleagues, and to try and find, and even build bi+ communities. It’s been great to meet and talk to other people who don’t fit into narrow categories, and allow themselves not to. 

Wishing you the very best on your journey; thank you for sharing with me; and always here to talk anon

[loki-hargreeves]

Lucifer Morningstar Imagine - Someone Hurts You

Anonymous said:

HELL YEAH! 😄A Lucifer request! Pretty much whatever you want, reader gets hurt, Luci gets overprotective and, confessing and fluff? I LOVE Lucifer, and I'm so happy you opened requests for him, thank you doll! 😍😘

Warnings: mentions of violence, angst

Your P.O.V.

My body was aching all the way from my toes to my head. I grunted in pain as I tried to move but that was surprisingly hard. I was stuck on the hospital bed alone since the nurse just left. She had given me a doze of some medicines but it would take a little while until they would start working, numbing my pain away.

At first, I was confused of why I was here. My memory was blank and it scared me. Then the nurse had told me that someone called an ambulance for me last night and my brain started working. I remembered getting into a street fight with a thug who connected me to Lucifer, my closest friend. 

I supposed he had worked on a case with detective Decker and they were close to finding the bad guy. Evidently, the bad guy had found me and tried to finish me of or tell Lucifer a message. Whatever the case, I was in hospital and I had a lot of wounds and fractures. The thought of being beaten up on the streets scared me a lot and knowing it actually happened made me feel sick.

‘‘Where is she?’‘ I heard a familiar voice behind the door. My eyes focused on the white hospital door and I waited for Lucifer to come in. It didn’t take long until he door flew open and he walked in in a hurry. As he saw me, his body froze and I could tell my condition shocked him. For some reason, I felt ashamed and tears stung my eyes.

‘‘Y/N..’‘ He breathed out my name and then walked closer. Lucifer dragged a green chair from the corner next to my bed so he could take a seat. I didn’t mind as he placed his soft hand above mine. We were quiet for a moment as reality sunk into our minds. Lucifer seemed to struggle with believing this. 

‘‘It’s..not your fault’‘ I choked out as I recognized the look on his face; guilt. Lucifer narrowed his eyes which caused a tear to roll down his face. ‘‘Yes it is, Y/N! If I..I would’ve found the son of a bitch sooner..This wouldn’t have ever occurred!’‘ He tried to blame himself for this which saddened me.

‘‘No’‘ I tried to speak but suddenly, I coughed. Lucifer inhaled sharply and kept an eye on me as I tried to catch my breath again. The few coughs made my ribs sting madly and I could tell some of them were broken. The nurse had read out what was wrong with me but I had been in shock so I didn’t remember much.

‘‘I came as soon as I could’‘ He sighed after a while. I swallowed a lump in my throat and then nodded, happy to have him by my side now. That made me think about what he had done as I was here. ‘‘Did you and Decker catch the bad guy?’‘ I wanted to know, clearing my throat a few times because it was really dry. Lucifer noticed and he got up, walking to the sink and I watched as he grabbed a plastic cup.

‘‘We did, he’s in police custody’‘ Lucifer mumbled mysteriously. I knew him too well to let that slip by. He was hiding something. ‘‘What more?’‘ I sighed and then grabbed the plastic cup weakly. Lucifer didn’t let go of it since he noticed I could barely hold it myself. I blushed as he helped me take a few sips of the cold water. 

He was quiet until I let him put the cup away. ‘’I should probably tell you later, if you’re tired. It’s not a shocker but it’s still a lot to think about’’ Lucifer tried to avoid the truth which bothered me. ‘’I can handle it’’ I promised him and then took a deep breath, realizing the medicines were kicking off.

Lucifer eyed me silently for a while, probably thinking about whatever had happened. Then he looked away, looking defeated. ‘’Fine’’ Lucifer agreed to tell me more. Although I was nervous, I was intrigued to know what this was about. ‘’I found him before Decker. The bloody nutter was so proud of the damage he’d done. So I gave him a taste of his own medicine’’ Lucifer finally admitted which made me look at him wide eyed. I was worried he had gotten himself into some serious trouble.

‘‘Before I went too far, Decker stopped me. That scam is going to rot in prison and after that he’ll go straight to hell’‘ Lucifer told me with determination in his voice. I could almost see fire in his eyes as he spoke about the man he clearly despised. Just thinking about him beating up the man who had put me here was both scary and relieving. He obviously cared for me but I didn’t want him to do things that could ruin his own life, such as beating someone half way to death.

‘‘Are you okay?’‘ I asked Lucifer. He turned to look at me with a sad smile. ‘‘I’m..I’m well’‘ He sighed and suddenly stood up. ‘‘You should rest’‘ Was all he said before he left me alone in here. I just stared at the door as I wondered why he left so suddenly and then I felt bad. Was he actually okay?

                After Lucifer left, I got a few hours of sleep. The next time I woke up, I got new visitors. I was surprised to see Linda with beautiful, yellow flowers. She offered me a smile as she noticed I was awake. ‘’Hi, Y/N’’ Linda greeted me and put the flowers on the nightstand beside my bed. Then she sat down on the chair Lucifer had sat on earlier.

‘‘Linda..hello’’ I mumbled tiredly, wondering why she came to see me. She was a busy woman so I didn’t expect her to come. But it made me happy, of course. ‘‘I’m so sorry about what happened to you. I hope you’ll get better fast’‘ She apologized softly. 

‘‘Yeah, I hope so too’‘ I admitted and tried to move my fingers. My right middle finger was broken so it was tied with my ring finger and it had a tight gypsum around it. ‘‘Has Lucifer been here yet?’‘ Linda wondered rather innocently. That’s when I remembered his strange behaviour.

‘‘He visited me before I fell asleep. It didn’t last too long’‘ I let the doctor know. She nodded as I spoke, probably analyzing stuff in her head. ‘‘He told me about the guy and the fight between them and then he just left’‘ I continued, reliving the moment in my head.

‘‘He visited me before I came to see you’‘ Linda let me know which caught my interest. I looked at her with confusion evident on my face. ‘‘He’s truly upset that this happened but then again, I’m not allowed to tell you everything. Don’t worry tho, he’ll come back’‘ Linda reassured me and patted my good hand. She made me curious but I didn’t question her more. I knew she wasn’t allowed to spill her secrets to me.

But why was she so sure of Lucifer coming back to this boring room?

***

The next day came rather quickly. The amount of painkillers helped me sleep like a rock. I woke up as a nurse helped me eat breakfast and gave me even more medicines. I was told I could leave today if I got help by a friend or a family member.

So I was just waiting here until I could think of someone I could call. Before I made up my mind, the door opened and I flinched, startled by the interruption. For a slight moment, I thought the guy who had put me here came back to finish me off.

But I was relieved to see Lucifer with an empty wheelchair. He seemed calmer today. ‘’Are you ready to go? The penthouse is full of goods I’m sure you’ll enjoy’’ Lucifer asked me almost happily. I was just confused as heck. ‘’How did you know I was allowed to go?’’ I wanted to know and attempted to sit up on the bed. My back hurt as I moved but I was determined.

‘‘I told them I was your fiance and they believed me’‘ He let me know his master plan. I couldn’t help but to giggle, hoping it would hide the fact I was blushing. Thankfully, I wasn’t attached to the heart monitor or else he would’ve heard my heartbeat that grew.

Lucifer helped me off the bed and on the wheelchair. Seeing him this gentle was new but I liked it. He made sure he didn’t hurt me at all in process. Then I remembered yesterday. ‘’Lucy?’’ I sighed and then faced him seriously. He turned around slowly and tried to keep a smile on his face. 

‘‘Why did you beat the guy up?’‘ I wanted to know. Maybe it was a dumb question but we all knew he would end up in jail anyway. My question made him chuckle in pain and he shook his head. It wasn’t enough to make him speak. My core felt cold as I just waited for him to speak.

‘‘Because he hurt you, Y/N’‘ He muttered half of the truth. I hated to admit it that I knew him way too well to tell he was hiding something from me, again. ‘‘Lucifer, please. Be honest with me. Did he do something else? Did he threaten your other friends?’‘ I tried to dig deeper into this situation.

Suddenly Lucifer’s head snapped and he looked straight into my soul, sending shivers down my spine. ‘’He almost put the woman I care about the most into a coma! That’s..that’s what he did’’ Lucifer raised his voice but realized what he said mid sentence. I most certainly did not expect him to burst like that, let alone say those words.

Shock was most likely obvious on my face and Lucifer seemed shocked of himself as well. The happy, confident guy wasn’t there at the moment. ‘’There, you heard it. I really do like you, more than just a friend. As I heard that the useless piece of humanity had put you to hospital, I thought I had lost you’’ Lucifer decided to keep talking instead of allowing an awkward silence to set between us.

By now, my eyes watered and I felt like crying. I thought my feelings for him were one-sided but I was wrong. It hurt that I found out like this and I felt bad for worrying him. ‘’Lucifer, I had no idea you..you thought of me like that’’ I admitted as a hot tear rolled down my face. He clenched his jaw and then sat down on the hospital bed, looking at me silently.

‘‘If I wasn’t stuck in this chair, I would hug you’‘ I attempted desperately to light up the mood. His eyes widened and he looked surprised. I just smiled, hoping I could make him understand I cared about him just as much. ‘‘Are you for real?’‘ He breathed out and cleared his throat. I nodded and raised my arms as much as I could in this state.

Lucifer got in front of me and leaned in for a warm hug. I melted against the devil as I wrapped my arms around him. He held me as well, but very gently. ‘’I like you too you know’’ I whispered honestly before we parted from our soft hug. ‘’You have no idea how glad I am to hear that. I almost thought you wouldn’t come to the penthouse. I even got your favourite candy up there’’ Lucifer let me know and seemed more like himself again.

‘‘Then what are we waiting for?’‘ I asked him, more than ready to leave this tiny room. I hated being in hospital and I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one. Lucifer put a blanket on me to keep me warm and then he began pushing me out of the room. 

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

I wonder was he like that at home or if someone taught him it was ok to talk to other women like that. He even talked crap about his sister once on the bus, but I thought she wayyyy prettier than me to get picked on.

But she handled him. She punched him or threatened to punch him if he did it again.

I was shocked at how protective he was of her too but yet would talk about her being fat too.

She wasn't as big as me, just slightly chubby in my opinion. Darius made me feel like I was the biggest girl at school, when there was obviously bigger chicks than me. But I guess I stood out. He thought I was mixed too....but he was Filipino and black.

And I was just....well black....I didn't have curly hair like the actual mixed girls there. I never really knew my natural hair, never got the chance too cause mom always made me get a perm. Cause it looked presentable.

I didn't start taking charge for my own hair until I noticed my hair started to get shorter and shorter and I was actually moisturizing it and wrapping it up at night. It scared me that what no matter what I did, it kept getting trimmed short because I had dead ends and I always wanted my hair to grow down to my behind like Princess Jasmine. She was so pretty to me at the time. Her eyes, her face, and her long black hair was just swishing. Plus she could wear skinny clothes, unlike me.

This was how I used to think back as the sheltered, goody two shoes everyone thought I was, while Darius's only goal seemed to me was to make middle school miserable for me, just because a fat, lightskinned girl liked him, but she wasn't as prettier or talked like all the other black girls in school either.

Him and alot people said I just sounded white. Or "you talk white" as some people put it. I grew up in a catholic school, kindergarten to 2nd grade....of course imma sound like that in a mixed cultured school...we only had one or two girls who were actually full on black and talked hood.

I guess I grew up in the suburbs and stayed to myself alot. I didn't really get to go over to friends houses alot either. Just my cousins and that's it.

I was by myself but I had alot of cartoon characters, dolls and toys that I played with by myself. Even watched movies with my grandma and my dad sometimes if he wasn't too busy. We would play games on the playstation, he bought us a karaoke machine and we had fun.

He tried to teach me how to ride a bike, but I was just too scared of falling and worrying about cars and stuff. He told me just to pedal, and don't worry. But I fell so many times we just kept the training wheels. And I felt safe in my barbie helmet and knee pads.

I started dressing the Bratz dolls and stuff when my first friend that was girl actually stayed in the neighborhood with me and she didn't make me feel like a burden. Our moms and dads even got along with each other, and we just did whatever she wanted us to do..she had the whole Bratz collection, movies, dollhouses, toycars (which I lovedddd), the house was nice and we had sleepovers every Thursday..

.until she moved cause her dad was in the army. It was sad, because she was actually a funny, sweet, nice girl. Her mom drove a black Nissan Infiniti, I remember that distinctly because I never seen that many people with that car and she made sure we didn't touch her car while plating outside.

Jerica. J...I'll keep her last name private. I still remember. The only girl I ever knew in 4th grade (she went to a different school with uniforms) with a Verizon phone where her parents let her watch cartoons on there. She loved Blu and Cheese from House of Imaginary Friends. She seemed sad if I wasn't able to come over on such a short notice.

She did something weird to the Bratz dolls tho....

I noticed she took off their clothes and made me hold one while she popped them together, like humping it, as if she knew what sex was like or just wondered about it. She had her own bathroom too. I think she was used to being by herself, and only let me in because I was nice to her and did what she liked or wanted to. I really wasn't against us being friends, her parents got along with mine, so I was cool.

Her dad even invited them to a family barbecue for her birthday and mom helped me pick out a new Bratz doll for her to have. She liked Yasmin the most. I did too. Sasha was 2nd, cause she was black and Jade, because she had eyes like me. I didn't like how most people praised Chloe more. I didn't think that back then about why they even made Bratz 4 different demographics. It just clicked at my school, that was how it was for me....except there was no real Puerto Rican, Mexican, Filipino, Italian, or Haitian involved in doll making back then.

I just thought all of them looked cute. Mom always bought me Sasha, so I didn't complain. That sounds bad....dang ky, why you had to put Sasha 2nd or 3rd....

I just wanted to be different so I didn't feel weird about buying a doll that's not my color. My parents judged me on that type of stuff. Like especially when I got into kpop or Asian culture. I like learning about different cultures that feel new to me because I've never been there and I never lived it.

But anyway, Jerica ended up writing me a letter to see how was I....I never got the chance to write her back because I had lost the envelope she sent with her address. It's been along time and I doubt she would remember me after moving so many times.

I just remembered I also met another girl named Lyric that had to move to Cuba because of her dad in the military too. She the only other neighborhood girl I rode the 2nd bus home with. But we weren't close.

I don't think she wanted to hang out like that, so I never asked. This was around the time I noticed certain people would talk to me at school, but never did anything or ask to hang out with me outside of school. So I sorta kept us at Associate level (talk in passing, not personal or deep stuff about families)

Same with Darius. He wasn't even a friend to me. He only asked me about test grades and who could get the better score on a math test. Or just talked shit. I never opened up to people I can't trust. We used to talk about our interests or what movie, TV show,, or video game we saw or both liked. Music too. I Bluetoothed him some R&B songs to his phone since he heard me play MaryMary and Robin Thicke. He liked some gospel songs since his mom played them at the house. He just didn't like to dance, cause he would get shy and not know how to move or even basic two step. Me I loved to dance, until I noticed it wasn't ok for a big girl to move like that because she was fat. It hurt hearing that, so I stopped dancing too. Unless I was home alone with my mp3 or what felt like home alone in my room or in my head.

So yea, Darius, he never got to know me. But I think I did from overhearing him talk out loud, and sneaky shit people would say he said about me. I believed it because lets just be frank, he always had something to say about me. But I did not talk to him or confront him about because I didn't want to get in trouble at school for fighting.

So I would just sneak jabs in, kick him at the bus stop cause we weren't at school yet, and either chase him away for talking about my fat. He seemed like he liked me chasing him until he got bored and told me to stop if I went too far.

He only saved my ass once from getting in trouble about the school teacher catching us upstairs in the computer lab without permission, but he lied and told her anyway that the actual computer teacher did give him and us permission to finish the assignment she gave us upstairs. He lied a pretty darn good one off the top of his head, while I was just stressed and said "uhhhhh?" In blank stare mode. I didn't know what to say.

Whenever I get in trouble like that or just freeze, I freeze. My whole body shutdowns and depending on what is said I either cry or walk away, taking my punishment and just leave.

I think Darius probably lied to his parents before, so I thought he was just cool for that. He said I owed him one after that.

I just didn't get it when nobody else was around, he had my back, but everywhere else he was jerk, a fake.

It felt like he had cheated me, at such a young age, who rarely had crushes on boys and focused mainly on just school work, I kept my mouth shut around certain people....especially if I knew they had a big mouth...i didn't tell them anything unless I wanted it to be told to them.

And that's when somebody took the heart I drew of Darius (with muscles cause I always wanted him to look less bony) out of my hands and he showed it to him....cause he knew I didn't want him to see it.

Darius took it, looked at it for a little while as he paced back and forth, came back to where I sat criss crossed applesauced, and crumbled it up. And threw it to my face in front of the whole gym class.

It was embarrassing, but hey, he didn't like me, so he started to get upset if people assumed the reason why he made fun of me so much was because he liked me. That's when he took a break from it, once the rumors died down.

It was a big school and even said to somebody, I overheard him say "oh, she would be cuter if she just lost weight."

What a jerk. I hated him.

Then if he was nice to me, I like him.

It was too complex, my standard of emotions for another guy. Anxious attachment and fear of rejection and abandonment. My worst fear. To be laughed at by a whole group of people you didn't know, but they knew something about you, because of this little punk...I hated him for it.

He asked me what shoe size I was: 11

And everyone else laughed about him cause he was making fun of my big feet. They thought it wasn't normal for girls to have big shoes and big feet. Him and his ignorant ass friends were the type to make fun of a woman for wearing boy shoes and not girly shoes. Like girls should be girls and dress like girls. Boys should be boys who dressed like boys.

The girls there called me tomboy even if I was to wear a big shirt and shorts. Like obviously I'm hiding my boobs and "manly legs" was the most unique comment I ever heard that I hated.

Like yup, I guess I was made fun of for looking too strong and having muscular, big legs compared to the bony ass boys at school. I was never challenged to a fair fight, so I guess she must've been scared to find out.

[valntinemorgenstern]

Review: Lord of Shadows

★★★★★

As always, my thoughts on Cassandra Clare’s books are prolific, multiplicitous, entangled, sometimes joyous and delighted, sometimes troubled and difficult; I could happily write numerous lectures and essays on this woman’s books, and Lord of Shadows comes as no exception. So, in the interest of keeping this as readable as possible, the first section of this review will contain my general thoughts, and the section after it, a more detailed (and, probably, sweary and incoherent) fangirl mess list of my very spoilery thoughts/opinions/feelings.

General 

In my opinion, Lord of Shadows is a huge improvement on Lady Midnight (I wrote an exceedingly long review on it last year that more resembled a disorganised splurge, but in sum:). For me, LM was an enjoyable, enthralling read as Cassandra’s books always are, but I was baffled by the claims that it was her best-ever book. For me, it consistently failed to hit the right chord, the characters didn’t spark on the page; the pacing lagged, and then rushed; I had a multitude of issues with plot, structure and character decisions. Most of all, the characters failed to draw me to them in the way that I was accustomed to with most of Cassie’s vast cast of characters. I’m pleased to say that I feel mostly over all of that now. I’m certain that this was also present in LM, but I think I appreciated this a lot more, given how much easier I was with the story as a whole — I was consistently impressed in this instalment with the quality of writing. LoS is strewn with some fantastically lyrical, poetic flashes of prose that, as I was reading, I just had to kind of sit back in astonishment, turning over that scintillating metaphor, or that line of dialogue, or that paragraph of description in my mind. At the risk of repeating myself, it’s obvious that Cassandra is, stylistically, far more mature, daring and sophisticated than the Cassandra writing TMI 6 years ago (I also think that this is related to a greater tendency to indulge in some flowery and exploratory prose, hence the ever-growing length of her books, but I’m not complaining).

I think by nature of the fact that this was the second in the series, there was no time that had to be spent lingering over long expositions and the tediousness of setting up unfamiliar characters; it didn’t take 300 pages for the motor to start turning. One of the developments that surprised me was how much the narrative eye in this instalment really starts to wander from Emma / Julian as its primary focus, as it mostly is in LM. I absolutely loved how much it started to scoop up the rest of the Blackthorn family, and even other characters like Arthur and Kit (though I can imagine there are some Jemma fans who might be a bit disappointed with this decision). For me, having this distance from Emma’s POV was wonderful / I really welcomed the opportunity to attach myself more deeply to other characters (to be honest, I wasn’t hugely enamoured with Emma in LM) and this made the story so much easier to invest in. In the end, it has actually warmed me to Emma a lot more, so I’m happy.

Very Spoilery 

FREAKED OUT by how many things I ended up predicting (without knowing I ws predicting them?) Consistently dogged by the feeling of déjà-vu and that I’d secretly thought that thing might happen. By no means had an exhaustive list of theories, only a couple of solid ones, and the rest ephemeral, half-baked, flippant daydreams of ‘oh, what if x got with x? wouldn’t THAT be a twist!’ and then….it happened. It happened with: Dru and Jaime becoming a thing (what sort of thing has yet to be seen, but HMM); Kit x Livvy (like, Livvy what even was that? hey you’re a male; you’re in my line of sight!); Arthur’s death (this is a whole topic in itself and Don’t Get Started™); the hinting that Ty and Kit may become parabatai in lieu of an immediately romantic relationship (their dynamic reminds me so much of Will and Jem) and thus HA HA history repeats itself in both ways…

OVERJOYED about the fact that Mark x Emma never properly materialised. Last year, this was not only an alarmingly popular ship, I thought, but also one that Cassandra seemed to be teasing would be become canonical in LoS. At this point I legitimately and seriously considered whether or not I’d bother reading Lord of Shadows, as this was probably the biggest NOTP I’d ever had. It was a deal breaker for me. So, very pleased.

I went into this determined not to ship Mark / Cristina / Kieran as a three way, and wow oh WOW, did Cassie utterly, remorselessly obliterate this! Major, major FUCKING KUDOS to Cassie’s skill and craft here for managing to completely overturn the way I feel about this polyamorous ship. I completely take back everything I said about feeling uncomfortable with this, because DUDE I am struggling to see how they’re gonna avoid a threesome at some point. This ship is electric and has so much chemistry, I’m not gonna lie, there were moments where I was thinking I was shipping it even more than Jemma…

LOVED everything in Faerie. Just! Ugh! Loved how dark and dreamy it was and the high-fantasy overtones and how reminiscent it was of mythology and Goblin Market and Arthurian romance.

All the classical + 18/19th literature allusions! The lit student in me was elated. ‘The nightmare life in death was she’ MY SOUL WAS IN COMMUNION WITH YOU CASSIE.

So lovely to return to London again! (and, woah, wasn’t expecting them to be there most of the book?) Tempered, though, by its portrayal as run-down, neglected Institute that has (somehow? I WANNA KNOW CASSIE) fallen out of The Herondale’s hands and into the management of The Highsmiths? Made me very sad indeed to see this.

i could write a whole meta of the depiction of Herondales in this book. (Lmao for a series allegedly supposed to focus on the Blackthorns and, for once, not-about-the-herondales, they still end up being a pretty damn important)

There is like, not a single POV from Kit (shocked by how huge his role is in this book?) where his Herondaleness is being mentioned, questioned or alluded to. HA I EAT THIS SHIT UP

How delightfully frustrating that, with regards to Kit, far more questions posed than answered. (The woman in his dreams? So he remembers his mother? How come only now? How the hell do the seven riders of Mannan have anything to do with him / how do they recognise him? Evidently the mysteries surrounding his heritage are tangled up in Faerie as well…) Loved how protective he was of Ty, and how brilliantly they work together. In LM, Kit was depicted as very sheltered and innocent, but he really comes into his own in LoS — loved how he was starting to mould what he’d learnt from his father with what he was learning as a Shadowhunter.

TMI DREAM TEAM REAPPEARANCES FUCK YESSSSSSSSSS MAGNUS YOU’RE A BABE AND HAVE THEY MADE STATUES OF JACE YET??

THE ENDING

T H E  E N D I N G

T   H   E     E  N  D  I  N  G

WHAT IN GOD’S NAME

It was like: trundling along nicely, some angst, but danger is mostly over, cue some boring meetings (Idris tho!! I have missed you!) and then — BANG BANG BANG BANG! Magnus (and Tessa?!) is/have been illWHAT?! Robert is dead, and Livvy is dead. CHRIST ALIVE. One thing after the other.

Did not see any of that coming. At all. Gut-wrenchingly, heart-stoppingly shocking stuff. I had to put the book down, and gaping, looked up laughingly and whispered a series of profanities to myself. That said, I expected Robert to die at the end of TMI (and was sincerely surprised he managed to survive it — had a whole theory about it) and wondered, at the time, why Cassie kept him going. Now I see why she waited till now: a strategic decision, so that there would have formed a dark force i.e. the Cohort to replace the vacuum his death as Inquisitor would leave with.

Livvy!!! I am so, terribly sad.

I am also so so scared for Queen of Air and Darkness.

[leenuwoes]

170804 Snuper Fansign

The venue seemed so intimate to me, it was in a small theatre... I went to my spot (I was #91/100) and I started panicking because there was no wifi so I couldn't look up how to say anything anymore at the last minute... These two Japanese girls Kaylen and I met at the store to buy the albums for the sign both got in! They said hi to me and were so excited but really sad Kaylen couldn't come.... There were lots of other people we knew there, mostly Japanese fans we met at music shows honestly. At first I thought being #91 was bad but I think it helped me because I could see how everything played out before actually doing it myself. I got really nostalgic because they were playing Back:Hug and I listened to that on repeat on the plane to Korea and then there I was, meeting those guys....

When they came in my heart almost burst... like the feeling of "I'm going to get to talk to them oh my goddddd".... I would die for all of them... I couldn't believe it was actually happening. Also I got really tripped out because I imagined them sitting in a certain order and THATS HOW THEY WERE SITTING!! Incredible

I was sitting at the back so they were kinda far away but Sangho and Sebin were right in my line of sight. Woosung talked a lot before it started, and I kept getting distracted by Sebin because he is just... so good and he looked so damn fine as well with a lowcut shirt and necklace and pushed back blonde hair Ugh

As I looked away from Sebin I noticed Sangho was... staring at me...? And when I caught his eye, he smiled ;; so ;; big ;; and I waved and he waved back and I legit had to break the eye contact after a few seconds because I was so flustered fuck... after, a girl beside me yelled at Sebin and he looked a winked a bunch of times and I caught it on vid and since she was right beside me it looked like he was looking into my camera too Bye

Then I recorded my friend getting his signs and at that point I noticed that no one had given them any cute gifts like things to wear on their heads? And I had prepared something for all of them whoops so I was like Uh

While I was watching I felt very disturbed by how much time it seemed like people had with them, and also I was nervous because you have to line up like 10 people in advanced in front of everyone leading to the stage I was sooo nervous fuck

So finally they got to my row, so I went and lined up, and luckily my friend was right in the section in front so he was being really encouraging to me, like being silly and dancing to the music to me, and he also took some pictures of me lol so I felt really grateful for him...

Here are my fanaccounts for the members!

Taewoong

He was so soo sweet ;; Really really smiley in a very cute way. Our interaction was so awkward at first, he was asking me who Justine was (like if it was me or a friend) but I thought he was trying to figure out the age hierarchy between us, so there was a little miscommunication lol but that got figured out quickly. My friend who's been to about five of their fansigns told me he's always first because he's good at calming people down, and honestly its true. He's really easy going and playful, and a tonnnnn of fun. He spoke a lot of cute Korean to me, mostly just a few words here and there, of course he's smiling the whole time, and when I gave him his gift (a little bow clip with a spring and butterfly attached to it) he was like "Oh thank you!" (eng) and he was going to take it but I asked if I could put it on for him because I've always wanted to try that Whoops so he let me!!! And god it was so cute to hold his little head and I put it on the top of his head god I wanted to die (I could tell his hair was really crusty tho rip stop dyeing it). So then he started signing my page, and I looked down and... he was holding my hand... and I know that's normal but I was so taken aback because I didn't remember when he took it LOL and  Okay so I was... Really surprised to see he has.... very veiny, manly looking hands and he was wearing a lot of rings I........ and also he had a lot of stubble on his face too Okay! Anyways he answered my post it out loud in such a cute voice frick and honestly it was over so fast I was kinda sad I didn't have time to do/say everything that I wanted but its okay because it was a great interaction :))

[Trans: Please write me an encouraging message as I have been stressed out and losing sleep a lot lately!!

Ans: Here I am~<3 (I think he meant, “I am here” like “I am here for you!” ;; then, “화이팅!!” (fighting/I’m cheering you on!)]

Suhyun

He was sooo easy to talk to oh my god, he really made me feel calm because it was so casual, he's not really smiley but he's extremely friendly. He also talked to me in Korean the most. When he found out my name he was immediately like "Oh Justin Beiber!!!!" and I was like nOoooo and tried to explain theyre spelled differently and he was like "Ok ok sorry" lol Sorry bro and then I gave him his present (a pink bow clip) he took it and was like "지금...?" (now?) and when I said yes he kind of laughed like he was embarrassed (sorry) then put it in. He answered my post it in Korean then translated it for me even tho I knew what he said lol but that was nice. After, in Korean, he asked me where i was from and if (what?) I ate, and since I was able to answer easily he was like "Oh youre good at Korean!" (in Korean) and i was like "No I can only speak a bit" (in Korean) and he was like "대학교?" (like asking me if I study at university) and I was like yea but the staff was already pushing me away but he held hands with me once more quickly before I left!

[Trans: Is there a member who’s not who he seems? Why?

Ans: Sangil!!

When I asked why, he said it’s because he’s handsome but he’s actually really cute. I was so bored by that answer because I already know that but w/e he was put on the spot LOL]

Sangil

He was really cute and shy and awkward which I didn't expect (because he's pretty goofy) but it was still nice! My time with him was kinda chaotic though because first of all, he signed the wrong page lol and I tried to tell him but he was kind of confused so when I showed him he was like "OH..." but he couldn't do anything so he just moved the post it fjdj and he felt so bad but I just kept telling him it was okay (in Korean). And then he made the same JB comment as Suhyun but when I was like noooOo he was like "Okay sorry" bUT IN A MORE SAD WAY THAN SUHYUN GHDIDJDD BABY IM SO SORRY I WASN'T TRYING TO BE A A BITCH TO YOU... Then  I gave him him this apple headband that lights up and he gladly took it and smiled but THEN HE PUT THEM ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD SO I WAS LIKE "Nono bring them up!" And he was so confused again, but eventually figured out what I meant but I felt so bad because I felt like I kept demanding him things it was so chaotic god I love him tho and he's adorable.

[Trans: What’s something that makes you happy to hear?

Ans: I like you]

Woosung

He tried speaking a lot of English to me I love him so much? He was so sweet for trying, honestly hes soooo kind no offence I kind of thought he was shit tier (it's a joke don't worry) but hes NOT lol. In my post it I asked him to do a starjng contest with me then give his first impression of me afterwards, and honestly I don't know why I decided to do that but then I was So. Glad. I did because he is so...... BEAUTIFUL..... he looks like a video game character? He's so flawless he looks like a computer graphic I was so shocked.... and I was surprised I held on so long but it must've been because of his beauty like I could've stared at him forever.... but eventually he blinked and I think it was because he was wearing contacts (WHICH ALSO ADDED TO THINGS) so I kinda feel bad for making him do it but it was FUN and he seemed really pumped for it. Then on the post it for the first impression part, he was like (in English) "EYES.... SO.... PERFECT...." and he like... GAVE UP writing perfect because I think he forgot how to spell it I LAUGHED god I love he

[Trans: Let’s have a staring contest! After, tell me your first impression of me.

Ans: Eyes So Perfect]

Sangho

God...... my ass is in fucking pain just writing this..... he smiled a lot immidiately.... and he smiles as though hes seeing a really close friend after a long time? It's one of those heart melting butterfly inducing smiles. When Woosung told him "Justine" (oh yea the members passed my name down the line... frick) he was like "Ahhhh Justine!" And he didn't even ask me to spell it... note, he signed my slogan a week or so ago so I'm thinking he remembered my name from that... can I die... and then he looked me in the eyes and said "보고싶었어요" (I missed you/I wanted to see you) and smiled... GOD HE REALLY. TALKS WITH HIS EYES AND HIS LITTLE SMIRKY SMILE LIKE HE IS JUST SO. B O Y F R I E N D IT MADE ME WANT TO SINK INTO THE FLOOR AND DIE... (also side note, I noticed when he wasn't smiling that he had creases where his smile lines are and bitch thats like my #1 makeup issue so for some reason that just made me suddenly like him even more ?? Bye). Then I gave him the headband (pink with cat ears) but he didnt put it on cause he was wearing something else on his head... I really wanted to see him in it but oh well he... more than made up for it... While he was answering my post it, I decided to tell him I was leaving soon... I was like "그냥... 오빠..." (oppa [something girls say to older males]... just...) and my voice was really shaking because I was really flustered to be in front of him honestly and... he suddenly looked up at me, stopped writing and slid his hand into mine really firmly and held it and he looked really    concerned    oh my go d I ???!!!!!??? that moment alone   was worth how much i spent on the albums bITCH.............. like it was just... so boyfriend ((like it was that moment when he thought his gf was going to start crying so he tightly held my hand and stopped what he was doing to look me in the eyes and listen......I'm sorry I'm sappy)) and i was like "일요일에 (omg i jst realized said the wrong day).... 한국을 떠날거예요......" (on Sunday [I meant monday tho ;;] I'm leaving Korea) and he made such a sad face and was like "왜애애ㅐ" (Whyyyyy) and i was just kinda  choked up and he smiled softly and was like "어디?" (Where are you going/asking where I'm from) and I told him Canada and he kind of sighed and was like  "가지마ㅏ" (Don't gooo) and then he answered my note (I said "I like you so so much, where can I meet a guy like you;;") while still holding my hand and he said his answer outloud as he wrote it and after he held both my hands and he said something like "I know we will meet again soon" :'----(((((((((((( I'm going to fucking cry this is like something I dream of happening but it happened in real life... I love him so much... and then I had to go and he kept thanking me and stuff and I forgot about the Ryan stickers I was going to put on him so I just     fjdkdk gave him the whole pACK AND SOME OF THEM WERE USED HE'S GONNA THINK I'M SO CHEAP  BUT I WAS PANICKING and then right before I left I told him... I loved him (in Korean) god it just came out I'm so embarrassed ;; I love him so much he treats his fans so well he's like the kind of fanservice honestly I'm so shook

[Trans: I really really like you, where can I meet a guy like you?

Ans: ㅎ.ㅎ Justine I really really wanted to meet you

(My Korean friend and I looked at it a lot and that’s what it looked like he said, so I guess he’s saying after he first heard my name (from the slogan) he wanted to meet me... god he’s good at fanservice...)]

Sebin

GOD he is  .      be  a  u  ti ful    like a literal frigging prince and his was over way too fast too I wanna die... So Sangho told him my name and then I was like "oh wait a second!!" (in Korean) and he STOPPED SO FAST I'M SORRY BABY and I was like "My sister really likes you..." and he immediately understood and was like "Ahhhh whats her name?" So I was like panicking and I fumbled for my sticky notes but I couldn't find my pen so I just asked to use his lol and he looked at Kaylen's name and I had drawn a loop for the L and he took out my sticky notes and he pointed and was like "L?" and I COMBUSTED HE'S SO CUTE GOD and so he signed that for her and I explained to him that she couldn't come that day. Then I gave him the EARS (a beige fox/dog ear headband) AND HE PUT THEM ON RIGHT AWAY I LOVE HIM HOW IS HE SUCH A SQUISHY BABY BUT LIKE A FUCKING HOT ASS PRINCE AT THE SAME TIME?? And then he held my hand and Kaylen wanted him to draw something cute for him and he drew a cat so quickly god everything he did was so cute I love HE and I told him the same as Sangho that we're leaving on Monday.... and I honestly don't remember his reaction But my time with him was also pretty chaotic but i think I was just really flustered from Sangho :P Sebin though is seriously so beautiful and kind he's just a little shy with new people I think!

[Trans: My sister is your fan but she didn’t get into the fansign today... please draw her a cute picture!

Ans: *cat* jdkjdd]

ANYWAYS IM BEYOND EMO! BYE!

So after I sat down, a few minutes later Sangho caught my eye again then smiled and waved and gave me a ... heart.... then two finger hearts and I was really dying Fuck me

They all ended up keeping their presents on from me - Taewoong had his lil butterfly clip on the top of his head, Suhyun had his clip on the side of his head, Sangil kept his apple headband on, Woosung put the bunny clip on his collar like a bowtie, Sebin kept his ears on the whole time !!!!! Sangho has his kitty ears on his neck.

*Previews NOT MINE! Credit on watermarks*

*Previews NOT MINE! Credit on watermarks* 

 Watching the rest of the sign... Sebin really loved his ears and kept doing cute things to show them off and everyone thought he was so endearing!! But side note... he fidgeted with the headband a few times so I think it was kind of uncomfortable but he didn't want to take them off :-( god he's so precious...

When things were winding down later, Sangil took off his headband and Woosung took it, put it on his face so the apple parts looked like they were coming out of his eyes and he was like "눈이 아파요요요요ㅠㅠ" (my eYes hurttt!!) in a REALLY DUMB VOICE I laughed so frigging hard them Sangil wore them the same way God they're so silly

Then they came to the front at the end of the sign and when they were doing their final waves Sangho smiled and waved really big @ me, mouthed "고마워요!" (thank you) and gave me a finger heart again (I got it on video that time) I wanna :-( my boyfriend :-(((((( i love he so much.... hes spoiling me..........

And then it was over and I really wanted to cry it was such a beautiful experience for me... I'm really gonna love and cherish these boys for the rest of my life!!!

[ineedtoescape11]

You know how much I’ve cried over the things you’ve done. You know the number of times The old insecurities were dug up with my random constant need for affirmation that you loved me and that I would be your only one that that things like that wouldn’t happen again. I made sure I told you each time how affected I was. You’ve watched me have a panic Attack right in front of you at that CC because you were hiding secrets from me and hiding your phone from me like you didn’t trust me. You know I’ve got crippling anxiety but each time you did something bad you didn’t stop to think how would she feel if she knew I was doing this and hiding it from her? And when I raise up the matter of how your actions hurt me, you turned me into the bad guy. You call me self centered. When I calmly told you that I didn't appreciate smth you did or said you always said "you make me feel like shit" and proceed to be angry with me and guilt trip me. That was always your favourite line after hurting me and I calmly voiced out. "You made me feel like shit". That sentence still hurts. After so many times. But did you stop to think that your actions may have made me feel like shit in the first place but I was trying to be calm and rational and tactful in the way I put it. You’ve called me so many bad things but I told myself you’re working on your anger and you will be better soon. I've got anger issues. Such bad anger issues but have you seen me snap at you? The only time I recall intentionally snapping at you was because you told me only I could calm your anger by being stronger and more aggressive than your anger. Of which you got angry at me for doing what you told me to do. You Liken me to the people you hate in your life over and over again. And yet I stayed on and at one point of time I wasn’t even entitled to my own emotions. I stayed on and I loved you. I healed on my own without talking to anybody, without talking to you too much about the hurt I felt cause each time I thought you realised and I knew you would get angry with me for feeling hurt. They weren’t minor events. Yet you treated them like they were while I sat here crying my eyes out until I sleep. You say that in your anger you just want to hurt me. You personally told me that before. You see your phone light up with my name calling you repeatedly, desperately but in your anger, you see my name and you harshly reject calls. You ignored all my calls and all my messages and left me to wither in my own anxiety for one entire day once, for a mistake I never even made. It wasn’t my fault. I cried myself to sleep and went to my attachment where I sat in a toilet cubicle and sobbed alone for 20min. I nearly collapsed twice in front of patients because of the emotional and physical exhaustion. And then you casually appear pretending like you didn’t reject all my calls and all my pleas for a response because I was worried for you. I remember telling you all of this while I was on the train back from attachment when you suddenly decided to reappear. The green line. While I was struggling to stay afloat, you went to a carnival at work and took photos on motorbikes and played games. I’ve gone to work after a night of sobbing because you snapped at me with such puffy eyes that everyone at work asked me what’s wrong. Little things like when my mum cooked pork for lunch on the day we were supposed to meet, you choose to just cancel our meetup just like that. I don't understand. Why couldn't we still spend time regardless? Because we couldn't kiss? We could have still chilled and spent time and talked and laughed. But whenever you have beef you continue with the plans to meet when if it was me, it would be immediately cancelled. You ask if you could just brush your teeth and kiss me but when I showed discomfort towards the idea, you got angry with me. Heck you didn't even want to see me when I ate pork for lunch but you still want to try and kiss me after having beef. I don't think you remember this but early in our relationship, you told me that you wouldn't mind going catholic and we could both go catholic together so religion is less of a problem. You told me I could have a lovely church wedding with loved ones and I could get a grand white gown that I felt like a princess in and we would read each other our vows to which you proceeded to make up funny retarded ones on the spot and I laughed so much reading them. I started thinking of names for you for baptism and I thought of ignatius for you and you cringed so bad and you judged my choice of name so bad and we laughed so much that night. Abruptly without telling me, you scrapped the plan. When I brought it up you were shocked. You said you love your religion and you didn't want to go catholic. I was taken aback. Then why did we paint such a pretty picture? But I respected that. I urged you to go for your prayers when you didn't want to for some reason or another. I encouraged you to grow in your faith. We were supposed to have that mutual respect for each others religions. One day you told me you actually do want me to convert sooner or later. And when I was shocked and I asked about the mutual respect, you got upset with me. You insisted you could hope and what was wrong with that. I said nothing was wrong with hoping but I just wanted you to respect my decision and stance. We knew our relationship needed compromise and understanding. You decided without consulting me that the children are going to be of your religion. Insisted on it in fact. I repeatedly expressed my fears and discomfort of being the only one not of that religion in the house but you kept insisting everything would be fine. Where was my say? I was already failing to get you to do your daiIy prayers and getting you to pray every Friday. I was failing at getting you to stop smoking, stop drinking. Heck you drink more Than I do. I supported you to be strong in your faith because you said that was what you wanted but then you acted differently. I cried in the middle of the club because I couldn't get you to stay with me, to dance with me, to show me affection. I watched you walk up to girls and dance with them. It wasn't just dance battles. Lone girls that were dancing. You walked away from me and went to them and danced. I felt you push me away about thrice saying "no no I have A Girlfriend" after I had my body against yours for quite some time. I told you I was your Girlfriend and you doubted me. When you were with me you just wanted to touch me all over. You were supposed to protect me in the club. You were supposed to have a fun night dancing and partying with me. You were supposed to take care of me. Me and our Friend had to drag you everywhere and after a while I just stood in the middle of the club and cried and gave up trying to get you to spend time with me. I watched you turn from the strong, independent, in control, responsible young man to someone who couldn’t be bothered to take care of his finances or his health, someone who regularly abandoned his squad for Dota, the squad that he worked so hard to get and that he vowed to love and raise to be fine young men. I made more than 10 fitness plans for you. You didn't listen to or try any of them. I was supposed to help you manage your finances but then you proceed to hiding your finances from me yet expecting me to help you manage them. When I got frustrated, I was in the wrong. When I just said it’s your choice and you know what you’re doing, I’m also wrong. I treasured you. I loved you. I babied you. Maybe I was in the wrong to get into a relationship when I couldn't give you a good one. I always feared that was going to be the case. No dating proper, no uploading photos and videos everywhere. I couldn't provide. Maybe that's why you strayed. I'm thankful you helped me thru a tough time, made me smile so much, made me feel safe, taught me how to love so wholeheartedly, helped build me up. But somewhere along the way, things changed. I kept trying to get you up on your feet. To build your self esteem again. Making you exercise, sending you good morning mini essays to make sure you started your day smiling. How often did you return those good morning wholehearted messages? When I tell you I miss waking up to proper good morning messages, you did them for a couple of days then gave up again. Then you just stopped with the good mornings even tho you're always awake before me. Just waiting for me to do It. You know it meant a lot to me. Why couldn't you give me a loving good morning message? It takes just a minute. You were running out of money, you weren't eating proper, you always got angry because of those two reasons but you didn't want to get a job even tho you told me you'd work at the zoo after you ORD. Another empty promise. For the next one out there to win over his heart, he's a loving soul. Really. I really hope you'll open your heart again. But please, treat yourself well, don't make her worry. Exercise and get the blood pumping, you'll fall sick less and you will be happier and less groggy and tired. Eat well. You're a big boy and I know you can take care of yourself :) she will take care of you too but you need to take care of yourself first okay? Treat her like how you would want your daughters to be treated. Place her over video games. She can bring you further than those games can. Dont let her feel like a game is more important than her. Don't spend on those games, save the money for the future you'll have together. Stay as retarded as you are, you're funny, she'll love it. When you guys are debating, open your mind, see things from more than one perspective. Yours is valid but so is hers. Don't invalidate her thoughts or her feelings, be open minded and the Two of you will be incredibly happy and you'll spur each other on to be better. Treat her and her body with respect, love her heart the most. Respect her decisions and understand where she's coming from as you always did with mine. It's something I really appreciated :) don't ever make her fight for your attention with other people or other stuff. Enjoy your own life and your own time with friends and yes the occasional game and your movies, I know you love them :) it's important to have a balance! If you're angry, just call for a timeout, tell her you need a bit of time and when both of you have cooled off, you can talk things through rationally. Trust me, it'll mean the world to her :) don't abruptly disappear okay, it'll make her worried sick and possibly even angrier. Don't let each other sleep angry. Always make up before sleeping and remind each other that even if you're angry, you love each other. It's okay to love someone yet be angry with them. So Long as the matter is resolved and there is understanding of what happened and what can be done next time. He loves when he can Lay his head on your chest so he can hear your heartbeat, it calms him. Just hold him tight and don't say a word. He loves gifts. Receiving gifts is his love language. So surprise him with little things now and then. He's a sucker for star wars and panda bears, they're his Favourite. When he's sad, remind him that he can get a nice juicy steak at the supermarket. With some fancy cheese and maybe Some keropok. It's his happy food. And sparkling juice in those wine bottles. Remember those. He's very very ticklish and as much as he squirms whenever you Try, just have a tickle war with him now and then, you'll see him laugh his head off and he'll smile :) don't lick him and touch him tho, it's funny but he doesn't like it. Encourage him to study and read and let him tell you stories of whatever he just learnt, he's a great story teller when it comes to these things and you'll learn so much, trust me. Write him letters. So that when you have to go overseas or smth he'll always have that piece of you to return to. Hold his hand proud. He likes kisses more than hugs so shower him with them, especially little kisses all over his face. You'll see how much he loves it. Most of the time he likes to nua in bed so if you Two do get the chance, enjoy the nua time with him :) Encourage him to go out with his friends, sometimes he can be a bit stubborn but that's where you have to be even more stubborn. He may not want to but when he's with them watching movies and eating and talking cock, he'll have fun :) he's terrified of roller coasters though, don't make him go for too many or else he'll get nauseous. He loves walking so go on walking dates with him. Places with a beautiful skyline! His weakness. Baby him now and then. He needs some time to let his guard down and to just rest from life. Babying him and holding him will definitely help. He will send you lots and lots of songs, listen to them. They tell you things that he wants to say to you. Sometimes you have to hold him back when there's a crying baby on the bus or the train HAHA Theres so many things about him but that's for you to find out. Find someone who can guide you spiritually, I know it'll mean so so much to you. Take some time to sit in the masjid and just be at peace. Spend hours there. It used to calm you so much. Sketch again!! Your sketches are beautiful and you used to love spending time on them cause painting was expensive. Find your drive and your motivation again!! But make sure you're doing this for yourself. Not for anybody else. Because you deserve the drive in life. It pushes you further and further. Be the responsible young man I know you are :) stand strong in due time, find the drive you once had and take care of yourself. That's the most important. If we don't take care of our own selves then who will? So many things I always wished I could tell you. But I couldn't. Because I started living in fear of when you would get angry at me again. Fear of when would I catch you doing things secretly again. Fear of promises not coming through. Fear of my inadequacies that push you to be secretive. Fear of the paranoia I felt that I shouldn't be feeling in a relationship. So much fear. Me living in fear is not good for me, neither is it good or fair for you. You threaten to talk about me in a poor light. To constantly remind me that I walked away. But I stayed. I stayed and I stayed. But you kept walking away. You kept hurting me, knowing what I felt. Intentional or not, ignorance or not, whatever happened happened. And I am entitled to what I feel. I hope one day you'll understand. Trust me it's hard on me. So so hard. It was the first time I trusted a man with my heart. The first time I let my guard down so much with a male figure. So many memories. So much emotions. I invested my whole self into this relationship. I was prepared to deal with being beaten up, thrown out and disowned. Being hunted down and possible hurt by your side. Because I deserved happiness and that was you. I envisioned a future together. But with everything that's happened, I couldn't. And I'm sorry. I need to take care of myself. I can't keep hurting emotionally and physically anymore. So no, it wasn't easy to just walk away. I didn't just walk away. You're a precious boy and I hope you find the same spark as you once had. Open your heart and be open minded. I'm not perfect. I'm broken and crazy. But there's someone else who's going to be out there. Open your heart and open your mind. Build yourself and love yourself. We are both growing and learning. I am genuinely sorry for all the times I've fucked up or broken you or hurt you throughout the course of our relationship. I was trying my very best, I swear I was but I'm bound to fuck up and I apologise sincerely and wholeheartedly.

[jean-the-demolitionist]

While Barbara and Stricklander going out on a date to the costume party of the hospital, Jim and his friends want to use the night of Halloween to have some fun time. But Jean and Rico (NotEnrique) have their own idea of fun and cause trouble wherever they can.

Yeah, a Halloween themed story in spring, I know. But I really got attached to that random idea I recently had and wanted to write it down. I plan on doing 5 chapters for this, two with Barbara and Stricklander, two with Jim and the group and the last one with them all together. Let's see how well this goes. This would be actually in the timeline of my Redemption Story.

The first dozen times it was amusing to watch the humans using all kinds of excuses to dress up in either a very fancy way or to scare others. In his first years as human Stricklander even participated in the dress ups with eager. But with the decades it got more and more tedious and lost its appeal. What was the joy in dressing up and pretending to be someone else, when it's something you do all day long? Even when he wasn't lying about his true self anymore, he hardly could find the joy of such festivities as Halloween again, since the traditions had changed so drastically in a way he wasn't very pleased with. 

Albeit, there were still a few things he enjoyed from this holiday, the pumpkin carving as example. He had joined this activity to show Jim and his friend how to properly carve a pumpkin, but somehow it ended with him and Jim having some kind of competition who could carve pumpkins the quickest. Stricklander had been able to declare himself the winner, which was most satisfying, but hadn't saved him from cleaning up the mess with the others. 

Another amusing event had been, when Draal had opened the door for some early trick-or-treaters. He had refused to give the children candies, mostly because he didn't know about this tradition. As a result they had thrown rotten eggs at the Troll, when he had been out in the garden. Stricklander and Jean hadn't been able to hold back and laugh at Draal when he had looked like a stunned mullet, while Jim had to stop the Troll from either attacking the children or the Changelings. 

As soon as the sun had completely set the Human teenagers, Trolls (besides Draal) and Changelings had left the house to watch the Halloween parade and go on a short trick-or-treat round. Stricklander couldn't help the sense of unease sliding through him at the thought of letting Jean go outside on a night where playing pranks was the norm, but he hadn't want to rob the girl from her only opportunity to be among human crowds. He just had to trust Jim and the other to have a watchful eye on her. 

Right now Stricklander sat on the couch in the living room, nervously fidgeting with the newspapers. He hated being nervous, but he couldn't help it. 

A few days ago Barbara had asked him, if he would come with her to the Halloween party of the hospital. He had been very surprised by this, for one because he was pretty sure she was still - of course justified - mad at him for what he had done to her and he hadn't gone out since he only had his troll form now. But Barbara had a good point, people would simply assume it was a costume and when she dropped the word 'date' during her speech he readily agreed to come. 

While his Troll form covered the costume for him, Barbara hadn't told him yet what she would dress up as, saying it would be a surprise. Stricklander knew that she was a proper woman, so he doubted that she would wear one of these indecent things that a lot of Human females liked to wear this age, much to his dislike. He had no problem with admitting that he was old-fashioned. It simply was his opinion that those costumes shouldn't be worn in public. 

Barbara had been up in her room since afternoon, when she had ordered them to clean up and Stricklander started to wonder if she would need help with her costume. He had just stood up, when he heard steps from above leaving Barbara's room. 

"Sorry that I took so long. Should've kept in mind that the body paint takes a while to dry up," Barbara called to him, while she walked down.

Body paint? With a raised eyebrow Stricklander left the living room to meet her at the staircase. When he spotted her at the last steps of it, he stopped dead in his track and his eyes went wide. 

Barbara wore a black, long-sleeved, fringed dress that only had laces to cover her sternum and back. The skin, that wasn't covered by the dress, was colored in a shimmering teal color, which made her hair - which she currently wore open, only tied up together at the tip of it - stand out so much more. It took him several seconds to notice the little horns on her head and the drawn markings on the teal skin. She looked like a...like a...

"So, what do you say?" she asked him after she had descended the stairs completely and turned one time around so he could inspect her from all sides. "I have the feeling that the dress might be a bit too fancy for a troll costume, but I hadn't had a chance to wear it for years."

Stricklander was still so flabbergasted by her appearance that he didn't react immediately. The dress wasn't cut in any risqué way, but his heart still thumped very hard in his chest by the sight of her half covered legs and back. She looked utterly attractive right now and her glasses, that she still wore, gave her whole look an adorable note. Only after a few seconds he was able to react by shaking his head and stammered slightly.

"T-Troll?" 

It was rather obvious with how accurate Barbara had made this Troll costume, even when it would be more correct to label her as a Changeling for her more human shape. But Stricklander couldn't care less about this little detail right now. In his eyes Barbara had always been one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen in his long life, tho he had to admit it always had been the human part of him who thought so. With her looking like this it was now the turn of his Troll side to appreciate this gorgeous sight before him.

"Since half of the family is going out as Trolls, I wanted to follow the trend," Barbara explained with a shrug, but then looked to the side with a nervous smile "And well....I thought it would be a nice idea to have some kind of...couple costume."

When his heart had thumped hard before, it was now leaping up to his throat. He wanted to be happy about this, because when this wasn't a major hint then he didn't know what it was. But he hard such a hard time right now to comprehend this, why Barbara was still so nice to him, after all the things he had done.

Meanwhile Barbara was misinterpreting his shocked state and started to fumble with her hands.

"Oh boy, I really hope I didn't do something offensive with this. Maybe I really should've asked before." she mumbled, when Stricklander suddenly talked again.

"Why?" The question was asked rather quiet and Barbara looked up to him with a confused expression. He continued with a sigh. "Why are you doing this Barbara? I mean...I don't want to appear ungrateful, but there is certainly somebody more suitable you...you could go with to the party."

"What do you mean with more suitable?" Barbara asked with a frown.

"Someone who's default state isn't a monster!" Stricklander pointed at himself, voice gone rather angrily. But than he deflated and looked guilty to the ground. "Someone who hasn't taken advantage of you to protect their own sorry life."

"And that's all?" she asked almost nonchalant, which makes him looking up puzzled. "Walt, you are living here for months, I'm used to the way you look now."

"Being used to and...that are two different things," he grumbled, not really clarifying what that exactly was. 

"Still, I'm a grown woman and I can decide for myself, if I like this true form of you or not." Barbara stepped closer and started to poke his chest "And yes, you did a lot of horrible things. Using me as shield, threatening Jim and his friends, wanting to kill him and god knows what."

With every poke Stricklander went back a step and made himself smaller. Guilt was clear on his face and he looked ashamed to the side. Barbara stops with the poking and smiled at him again.

"But you are showing remorse and trying to fix things. You are protecting us with your life." He dared to look to her and her smile grew even more warm. "Maybe Jim and I won't never really forgive you for the things you've done in the past. But we trust you now that you won't do these things again." Carefully she took his hands in hers. "Besides I do remember saying that I like spending time with you. And that hasn't changed."

"Barbara..." His voice was hoarse from all the emotion that were caused by her words. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and then looked at her again, expression full of gratitude, but still with a hint of doubt. "I'm really not sure if I deserve this..."

"You do. You have earned yourself some good things, so get used to it," she grinned and squeezed his hand, whereupon he had to chuckle. Since he seemed to be okay again, Barbara changed the topic back to her costume.

"So, you still haven't told me how I look like. I need the opinion of a professional." she said and looked expectant at him. Stricklander hummed, but before he answered he leant down and raised her hands to his lips to kiss them. 

"You look more beautiful than any gemstone I've ever seen," he gave his opinion in a deep tone. His voice and the way he looked so enamored at her made Barbara blush and giggle a bit bashfully. 

"I think I like this trollish smooth-talking." 

"Well, I could go on all evening, if you want to," he said in a suave manner, his confidence - and also hope - boosted after Barbara's little speech. His reward was another cute giggle from her, but before she could reply the loud bang of the backdoor interrupted them. They looked into the direction of the kitchen and heard Draal's distinctly mumble of "Fleshbag children."

"He calls himself the Deadly, but is afraid of a few human children," Stricklander scoffed and straighten up again. Barbara let go of his hands and put her's on the hips.

"You would also be afraid of them, if they would aim with eggs at you." she said with a smirk that he returned. 

"Can't argue with that." He then went to the front door and opened it for Barbara. "But for now, we should go. Fashionably late is good, but we don't want to be too late, right?"

"Of course not," she said and rolled her eyes in fond annoyance and grabbed her purse to follow him outside to the car.

[mcrmadness]

Saw again some dreams last night...

Yet another night (or day) full of some really weird adventures. This one included:

A bunch of people that I don’t think even exist. At least they were not anyone I’d know. I’m not sure if I was myself either.

A ship and a thunderstorm. And a boy that was going to hurt us all.

Shock therapy of some sort?

A theater with some weird shit going on + a play having old Finnish actors dressed up in their sketch characters’ costumes while practicing the play.

Die Ärzte. And Bela/Farin. And my obsession with Bela/Farin and me being embarrassed because I realized someone maybe noticed it.

A cat with her 4 kittens in the theater and I was worried about them.

Somehow being into that theater made time move much faster than it really did, or it just felt like it because there was no windows so no one knew what season it was outside.

Horses.

An elevator.

Running away from someone while I had set up my computer somewhere in the middle of woods.

So it was a very wild ride and I’m trying to write it down as perfectly as I just can. Fortunately I still remember most of it and this time it had like a... clear plot so it’s easy to write it down too as it’s not just glimpses of things but more like a movie in my head.

It all started in this theater, I think. The theater itself was huge and I was to two different parts of it - at the back of the sitting places and also at the front of them, near the stage. At the back there was lots of chairs and then one set of curtains and behidn them even more chairs. I think the idea was that you could make the space smaller with the curtain. At the moment it was closed and quite dark in the theater because they were just practicing the play so it wasn’t open for audience yet. And here was one moment where I was standing next to the stage and laughing, because I realized the old Finnish comedy actors were in that play but they had dressed up as their characters instead, for some reason, and it was basically those characters playing the characters of the play. Confusing, I know.

Then the DÄ part. I think we were still in the theater but now there were lights on. I’m not sure if I was in it or if I just saw it like it was a video. Anyway, this was like... having three sets of chairs and between them there was two rows of stairs. (I’m so bad at explaining it but you know: chairs, stairs, chairs, stairs and chairs.) And I was standing somewhere in the middle or higher on the stairs. Now this didn’t look like the theater it used to, but now it was more like a movie theater and there was doors below the “screen” (I don’t know if there was a screen or not) at the corners. And near that door there was also a black coffin and apparently the 00s black-haired Bela had “died”? I’m not sure, but Farin was there looking for Bela. And somehow Bela was going to reincarnate tho, and Farin was delighted every time he saw “Bela” appearing there but each of them were not Bela, but some look-a-likes who did not look like Bela if you saw them up close, they just had a similar haircut or clothing that made them look like him from afar. In a way ti was also a prank, I think. Anyway, I just remember someone with a red hair walking past Farin and he had already realized that all of those people were actually fake. Until the real Bela finally appeared and he looked like he did after his 00s black hair, aka that light brown quite unhealthy looking hair he had somewhen in 2004 or so. And he walked up the stairs to Farin and, well, it was quite detailed because the camera was literally on their faces when Farin was so relieved that Bela came back and it was finally the real Bela, and Bela was also so happy to see Farin finally and they were basically snuggling there, hands on their faces, and Bela was trying to kiss Farin’s face too, somewhere near his nose? But it also looked bit weird, as if they didn’t know what they were even doing.

Anyway, as always with my Bela/Farin dreams, I was able to rewatch this scene several times and I tried to watch it also in slower speed. And then it turned somehow that this was a black-and-white photo of them, and I had some sort of portfolio with photos of them and I had never seen any of those scenes in real life (I hate these dreams because they often are something I’d definitely want to see but can’t because it was all only made up by my imagination :D) and here happened something that has happened to me only once in my life before, I think: the whole dream turned b&w. And I was looking at this photo of them a few times, putting it away only to take and look at it again. And then I realized that behind me there was some... box? I don’t know what it was for sure but it looked like a huge laundry basket made from fabric and it was my apartment? I had let some people to sleep there I think, and now this person, who might have been my brother, was talking to me and I was like “asddd they saw me rewatching this scene way too many times and I didn’t even noitice!”, but they didn’t care. And then they, whoever they were, asked something about if I asked for money from the other people who were spending a night there, and I was like “No just from you” and he was angry at me, because I can’t let people residence in my place for free??? But I was like “they didn’t give me money on their own so why would I ask for money?” as I wanted to be polite, even tho it was basically a business I had there.

Then the dream changed again, colors were returned, and the theater was again that dark one it had been in the beginning. And I saw there this box with 5 b&w cats and it was a mother cat with her 4 kittens. And I was talking to some woman that I hope they will take care of the cats because I was worried what would happen to them if they are wild cats and just left here. (I’m a cat person.)

And I think I had been out of that theater a few times, but this next time was the only one I could really remember. I went outside and it was spring or basically summer already, and I was so weirded out because the last time I was to outside, it was still winter. And I didn’t know if the time moved faster when we were to the theater, or like I said earlier, if it just felt like that because there was no windows in that theater so when you have no concept of natural light, you also completely lose the concept of time. But in a way it was more magical and as if being into that theater really “slowed down” in there and made it move faster on the outside. Anyway, I saw there a bunch of horses and I think they were horses familiar to me, and one of them walked to the fence and tried its best to reach me with his nose, but I didn’t dare to go closer because it was an electric fence and I was already confused because the electricity was clearly on but this horse still did not get electrocuted at all.

Then I think I walked with this woman and we went to some sort of docks and there was a ship, maybe. I don’t know what happened after this, but now it basically changed and I was someone else. I was on this huge ship now and I just remember walking around it, there were red stairs between the decks, and lots of doors and places and it was like a game, I tried to walk through the place to figure out the map of it so I could easily navigate between the places on that ship. (I do this irl in games most of the time as well, kinda trying to draw the map of the place into my head by walking/running through everything.)

Then I went into one room with bunch of kids/people. And it started to thunder a lot outside (I didn’t hear it but I saw the flashes everywhere in the sky, and I would have wanted to take photos of them too) and I think I was actually running away from someone, so I closed the doors too. And in that room there was some table with lots of colorful balls on it and it was some sort of a ball game. And I guess I was oldest in that room, so then I just said to the others “hey what do you say, if we play bit of this game?” and started emptying the table from the balls, and the game was as simple as trying to throw a ball onto table and you got points based on something that I no longer know what it was.

Anyway, then something happened here, and there was some boy that was mean and I guess a serial killer? I don’t know. I don’t know what happened and why but I was hugging one of the girls (I still don’t know what their ages were supposed to be, in the beginning they were like kids but I don’t really know? I also was not myself and I was still oldest there, but I don’t know how old I actually was either.) and basically protecting her from this boy. She was really sad and shocked, and I still don’t know why, but I was basically moving her so that she doesn’t see the boy nor vice versa, and I did that because some of the other people told me to do so so he can’t hurt her? I don’t know what was the point of this but then it changed and all the people were sent to somewhere. It was like a shock therapy of some sort, everyone sitting on benches in a row like in a theater (somehow I feel like this was at the outside of the theater?) with all kinds of wires attached to them, and apparently I had been to that too because this girl was slightly afraid of how it’s gonna feel like. And I remember just saying that you don’t even notice it, it won’t hurt, I was also scared at first but it was not as bad as I thought it was gonna be. And then it changed again a bit, and I don’t know if they were people any longer but I had to attach one wire to this “girl”. And I don’t know what happened next.

I also just remembered something else I dreamt of last night: I was in the middle of woods and I had my computer with me there. And I was looking at the screen and clicking something and then I realized that some middle-aged man was after me. And I started to collect part of my computer and also told someone else if he can grab as much as he can so we can bring these to safety before anyone does anything to them.

And then I was running away from this middle-aged, quite fat man and I remember hiding into one room. It was like in a hotel or something, and the locks were very old-school, just regular key and lock like in some very old houses etc. And I don’t remember how, but somehow this key wasn’t working the way it was supposed to (typical for my dreams, it’s some sort of feel of not being safe) and the man almost found me, but I think he left and I continued with the key. It basically had key on both sides and I couldn’t remove it or something, and also when the door was closed, it still was possible to see behind it because it didn’t fit the door frame that well.

And at some point there was also an elevator that’s brand was “Crowley” and I swear that I have not watched any tv shows with that name, but I have lots of that name on my dash every now and then, and the last time I saw that name on a tv show was in one The X-Files episode which was about demons (which we watched recently) and I realized they had actually named that high school in that episode as “Crowley’s high school” or something so idk, maybe it was from there? I sometimes get things into my dream a long after seeing them the last time. Anyway, in this dream I remember still pointing at that name and saying it aloud, but that was all about this scene. I have no idea how this was connected to anything else in this dream. It’s possible that this elevator was in this hotel-kind of place where I was hiding from the fat middle-aged man, or maybe it was in the ship. I don’t know anymore.