#(i need to kill him i need to kill him soooo bad)
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you donât understand how mc is literally me and i am here. sheâs me to a molecular level. no joke, i never read an mc that was so deeply similar to me it hit me like a gut punch.
reading this while listening to the playlist was truly an experience (which was so good btw i LOVE your music taste). can we talk about how absolutely gorgeous your writing is for a second??? the way you craft your sentences are so satisfyingly beautiful itâs insane!! some of my favorite quotes:
âIt flutters frantically in it, making a grand fight to reach that false moonlight, only to drop away when it realizes that itâs being burnt. You watch it rinse and repeat, relentless and sure, for who knows how long. Itâs no special mothâno luna moth or the ones with the pretty pink wingsâbut the light falls down on it and colors it a pleasant stardust silver.â
âTaking those steps, the massive and terrifying ones from adolescence into adulthood, meant agreeing that this form of your life was over.â
âThat passion and love wasnât gone from you, it blazed strong in your veins. This blaze wasnât the kind that kept you warm and excited to push forward into life, though. It had morphed into something that scalded you when you got too close or started imagining yourself pursuing its call. Itâs a taunting silvery glow, no longer a guiding north star.â
âYou clutch childhood to your chest like a wild animal guarding scarce food; you refuse. You refuse to acknowledge its end.â
ââYou donât get it. You are the music. Every single song is about you. Every single fucking song is about you. I want you to come with me, please. I love you, I have always loved you, and I will always love you, and I thought youâd loved me too, and I donât want to do this alone. I canât do it alone.ââ
i donât know if youâve ever read this book, but the vibes of this fic reminds me a lot of the starless sea by erin morgenstern!! literally my favorite book EVER. if you havenât read it then i think you would like it a lot!! ^^
this is truly one of those types of stories that you come across and it just makes you absolutely fall in love with reading. the type that makes you want to pick up a pencil and feverishly write out the story thatâs been in your head for years. if this story was a song, to me it would be dog days are over by florence + the machine. it just gives you that feeling that everything will work out and everything will be okay and this too shall pass. i love it so so much and iâm so happy that you decided to share it with the world so that people like me and so many others could come across it and read it for themselves! âĄâĄâĄ
đŻEART đORM ⸺ hueningkai âË´ËË
  ⨞đ˘Ö´ŕť ËË đđ˘artđ đŹrm
[đ]. a relationship or friendship that you can't get out of your head, which you thought had faded long ago but is still somehow alive and unfinished, like an abandoned campsite whose smoldering embers still have the power to start a forest fire.
⸺ listen to the playlist .á â§Ë
ăďš đź ďšâI was just... wondering,â you say, blood roaring. "Well, Yeonjun wants me to come over to his place this weekend, and... Iâve never...â Sucking in a quick breath, you just spit it out to get it over with, âWould you be my first kiss, Kai?âÂ Ë ď˝¤ď˝¤
wc â 17.9k
đairings childhood bsf!kai x reader (lowkey soulmates?) ⤡ ft. asshole!yeonjun x reader
đ˘ â; smut Ë angst Ë some fantasy
đ´arnings angst, family issues, fingering, jealousy (iâm sorry i just love ts), yeonjun really is an asshole, orgasm denial, thigh fucking, unprotected sex (they're stupid!), strength kink a lil bit, breeding kink, possessiveness, creampie, choking... i think that's all, lmk if i missed any
âŕ ashlynn's note omg. this was such a fun palate cleanser to write. this wasn't supposed to be as big as it is, but it just kept getting bigger and bigger, and i got super into the story. this kai is SOOOO!! yeah. iâm so nervous posting this because iâve only ever posted TSFAWC, butâŚ. here you areee (^^;; this is not proofread, so if you see a mistake... give me a sec. i'll get to it. hehe
Though you fan your hand furiously over your face, the little breezes washing over your clammy skin are not enough. The air is thick and heavy with summerâs heat. So thick that you almost feel it each time you swallow. Itâs better than just letting yourself melt away, though. The cushion at your back doesnât help much. It holds your warmth and returns it to you the longer you sit slumped back into it. You suffer it thoughâyouâve gone too sluggish to move. Â
You let a leg dangle over the arm of a chair, watching a hopeful moth dance in the light of the buzzing porch light overhead. It flutters frantically in it, making a grand fight to reach that false moonlight, only to drop away when it realizes that itâs being burnt. You watch it rinse and repeat, relentless and sure, for who knows how long. Itâs no special mothâno luna moth or the ones with the pretty pink wingsâbut the light falls down on it and colors it a pleasant stardust silver. Â
You delight in letting your conscious brain turn off to watch it. It lets you forget the sweltering under your skin, and also that Kai had drug you out here. His dad gives him shit when he plays inside, but itâs way too hot to be out here. Isnât it supposed to cool off after the sun goes down? It doesnât feel like it. The deep acoustics are drowned out each time a car whirrs by. Playing outside should be the best option, but you and Kai live right on a busy road. Â
When the roar of some car going ten miles over the speed limit doesnât obscure his playing, though, you admire the intricacy of it. His fingers work up and down the neck, jumping frets that you imagine would be impossible to anybody without those long fingers of his. You had always been a loud supporter of his playing, even way back when the most he could play were simple chords, but you became especially so when a few years back he put a guitar in your hands and tried teaching you. Even with his fingers guiding yours, it was quick to learn that the effortlessness with which Kai handles the instrument is hard earned. Â
He practices on the acoustic guitar, but thatâs not his domain. With houses just a dash across the street from each other, Kai had grown up at your home more than he had at his own. So vividly, you remember the stars in his eyes when heâd listen to your dadâs music. Metallica, The Smashing Pumpkins, Linkin Park, any of it. He had fallen in love with it a long time ago. Your whole life you knew that it was only a matter of time before he was in his own band, chasing his dreams with a boundless mind and an indelible vision of himself on stage. How had that time come so soon, though? You donât know if the notebooks full of inky lyrics that live wherever he deems inspiration might hit him make you proud or nervous. Heâs making good on his dazzling aspirations, and you?Â
You speak finally into the air, cutting through heat waves and his music and the night. âIsnât it weird that weâre not going back to school after this summer?âÂ
He doesnât have to even stop playing to answer you. Playing comes to him as a second nature. âKinda,â he answers, brown eyes flitting up to you. âBut itâs not like you wonât be back to it in September. College is the same shit.âÂ
The leg youâd been dangling and bouncing pauses. Thatâs right; youâre supposed to be going to that college youâd chosen because it was only a three-hour drive away from here. You pluck at the seatâs threadbare fabric, and the moth, still there, becomes oh-so-interesting once again. When his playing stops, you drop your head back with a cushioned thud and a groan that you wrangle in your throat.Â
âWhy are you acting like that?â he says, voice gone sharp like accusation. He doesnât even know the truth, but heâs known you too long.
Canât you just keep secrets for yourself, sometimes?
Kai, arms clad in a well-loved hoodie even in this dreadful weather, lays the guitar down. You maintain your silence. âSeriously, what?âÂ
Some secrets have timers, though. This one could only last you until about September, or even August when he realizes that youâre not preparing to return to school. A controlled sigh from your chest isnât enough to soothe the nerves that sparks. âNothing.âÂ
âSecrets, huh?â Kai says. When you do finally look to him, black spikes of hair frame his eyes and the accusation in them.Â
Itâs a simple poke, but it gets under your skin as sharp as any thorn might. Itâs not like you donât keep secrets from him, and youâre sure he keeps some from you too. But those are the little kinds, the inconsequential onesâlike I ate already when asked why youâre not eating or like Yeah, Iâm fine when itâs been a bad day. You donât hide this kind of stuff from each other. Usually, youâd run over to his place to tell him whateverâs bothering you. Why not, when heâs known even the worst details of your life for almost the entirety of it? Youâve been holding this one close to your chest since somewhere around the end of senior year, though. The longer you let it fester, the worse your nervousness snowballs. âCâmon, Kai. Letâs not do this. Can you keep playing?âÂ
He doesnât like that, of course. But you watch recognition dawn over his chocolate brown eyes, helpless to stop it. âYouâre not going,â he says. Itâs not a question nor a suspicion, itâs a bone-dry fact. Â
Well. There that goes. You want to tear every hair on your head right out. Why had you even thought youâd keep him in the dark about it? When heâs not out in some garage making music, you two are together. The conversation was going to stroll by at some point; this was only inevitable. His disappointment radiates off him in waves and blisters you. He hasnât even said anything yet, but you know exactly what he thinks of it. Itâs why you kept it from him in the first place. Â
Your silence is enough confirmation for him. âWhy?â he says. âI thought you were excited to move out.âÂ
Wincing, you nod slowly. You were. Even went through the whole application process, along with most other kids your age. Ultimately, you never went through with declaring a college. You donât exactly know why, but somewhere weaseled down in the shadowy recesses of your soul, you know. Taking those steps, the massive and terrifying ones from adolescence into adulthood, meant agreeing that this form of your life was over. It meant that at some point, youâd be moving away from here to where living your days away in Kaiâs room would not be a choice. Everybody has to do it eventually, you know that. Kaiâs music gig could take off any day, too. Heâs going to make it happen. And then what? All this stalling and wishing on just a bit more time would mean nothing, heâd be off and chasing that dream. As excited as you are for it to finally become reality for him, thereâs a nasty bitterness thatâs budded in your chest, infecting your person. Â
Canât things just stay like this?Â
âI was,â you say. It comes out of your mouth heavy. Â
âThen why arenât you going?â he says. Crickets, never seen but always heard, sing their song into the nightâs darkness. âYou didnât get rejected. Youâre too smart for that.âÂ
An ache sits heavily somewhere near the center of your chest, maybe over your heart. All those good grades, nights spent bent over a desk and AP paperworkâyouâre wasting it. You shake your head. âNo... just...â Itâs an effort to dress your thoughts in a way that might appease him. A quiet moment stretches with your thinking before you continue, âI donât know what I want to do.âÂ
He doesnât like that, the yellow wash of the overhead light dancing over his taut lips and hard eyes. âDonât know what you want to do?â he says, bringing his legs up onto the seat to crisscross them. He wears his favorite jeans. Theyâre heel-bitten and baggy enough over his legs that he can wear them around the house without any bother. âYouâve wanted to be an artist your whole life. You know exactly what you want to do.âÂ
Your chest only seems to ache harder. When the both of you were only young and hopeful, you both had big dreams. Kai was going to be the face of a metal band, and you were going to be an artist. A painter, potter, sculptor, even doing animation for those big companies like Dreamworks and Disney. You wanted any of it, just as long as you were doing art. Youâd even promised him that youâd do the cover art for his albums with interlocked pinkies and flushed, hopeful cheeks. That passion and love wasnât gone from you, it blazed strong in your veins. This blaze wasnât the kind that kept you warm and excited to push forward into life, though. It had morphed into something that scalded you when you got too close or started imagining yourself pursuing its call. Itâs a taunting silvery glow, no longer a guiding north star. Taunting words of family members stamped down on that hope hard. When you were little, it was said lighthearted and in passing. The older you got, though, the more serious their faces became. They wouldnât say it outright perhaps, but you hear what they think well enough. Art is a dead-end career. Â
Shifting in your seat, you tell him, âI donât know.âÂ
âWhat do you mean?â Kai says. âThere are good colleges for that.âÂ
âI just... donât know.âÂ
Shaking his head, he tells you, âBut you love it.âÂ
You do. In its every form, you love creating. But loving it doesnât mean that itâs right for you, or that you should trust your future in its hands. âI think I can do it in my own time,â you say, finally pushing yourself upright from the cushion. âDonât wanna kill the passion by doing it for a living, you know?âÂ
He thinks on that for a moment. âIf you love it, you should do it,â he says.Â
An awful frustration bubbles in your chest. Kai has always had a clear life path, the steps ahead of him set in stone and waiting for him to follow in them. Itâs hard for him to see why you might not want to do the same. Thereâs nothing that makes you as happy as the fact that he has it all figured out, that he knows just where heâs going and that heâs so incredible at it that he doesnât have to worry about meeting the requirements, but your path seems obscured and untrodden. Punctuating a deep, resonant sigh, you say, âItâs not that easy, Kai.âÂ
âIf youâre not doing that, then what are you going to do? Are you just going to settle for a nine-to-five?â he says full of accusation, the tapping on his knees gone still. Â
A dry laugh, you say, âMaybe Iâll marry a super rich guy and just do my art for a living. No nine-to-five.âÂ
His face flashes. Heâd always been a bit reserved, especially around others, but he bared his emotions freely around you. You hold them dearly to your chest and made sure to do your best to make good on that trust. He says, âYouâre more than some guyâs housewife.âÂ
Cheeks radiating in the heat, you snort. âI know, dork. Iâm a rockstarâs best friend. Itâs my personal favorite achievement.â Â
His face sours when you reach out and pinch hard at his cheek, but he doesnât pull away or brush you off. The skin there is warmed and clammy. Really, the two of you should go meet the cool AC inside before you suffer heat stroke. But this moment feels so niceâyour shoulders feel tons lighter without something to hide. If you had it your way, things would stay like this forever. Just the two of you, sat here like you have so many times before, just taking for granted the time youâve got together. Â
His mouth opens to banter, probably something about how heâs not a rockstar yet or to get you back for calling him a dork. Wingbeat and sterling dashes about your face send the image into a blur, though. Youâre a quick mess of limbs and a whipping head, as if itâll chase the thing away from you.Â
âSeriously?â Kai says. Youâd climbed halfway over him, elbows digging into him and knee doing a number on his thigh. âItâs a moth. Youâre not scared of moths.âÂ
Lingering for a few moments later to ensure the flying thing was nowhere on you or around you, you hold back a laugh before you climb off him and fix your hair with undignified tucks behind your ears. âHe was in my face,â you say around a laugh, because you know it was a bit too much. Nobody likes wings in their ears and spindly legs in their face, though, and youâre in no control of what you do when anything with six legs tries and get too friendly. Even moths. Â
âYou just wanted me to protect you,â he says. A sarcastic, shit-eating smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. Â
âOh,â you scoff, batting your eyelashes and clasping your hands together all saccharine-sweet. âYes, Romeo, wonât you kill that bug for me? This girlâs heart just canât take it!âÂ
Kaiâs nose crinkles, and the playful light twists into a glare. âNasty.âÂ
âThatâs how you sounded,â you say. âI only reacted accordingly.â Laughing, you kick your legs out over his lap and sprawl back out. He takes the guitar back into his hands.Â
As much as you want to escape the mugginess, youâll survive it for just a little while longerâif only with the force of an indulgent heart. The eternal moments are those you allow to linger. Â
ââÂ
Some things, you forget when youâre older. Maybe itâs timeâs hand, eroding memories down and stuffing more in the longer you live to experience them. But also maybe because theyâre the sort of things you canât say in the adult world without a laugh in the face and a look from down their noses. Â
This memory is one of those forgotten things. Itâs moth-bitten and dusty, something you one day folded up in a moving box and decided to never revisit.Â
Youâd been down at the creek. Kai and you had spent so many summer days there. It wasnât too far from home, just past the filbert trees and into the shallow neck of the backwoods, but there you were out of sight and free to get up to nothing good. It was a wonder your mom ever let you do it. Kaiâs dad didnât care too much where he went or what he did, but your mom dug her claws in deep. You like to think that she imagined you two would have each other, if anything ever happened.Â
Usually, youâd be there holding your jeans up from the stream and Kai would be letting his jeans go dark with it. The bite of water was nice as it washed over warm skin. Fun was a simple thing to find, then. You dug your fingers into the mudbanks and tossed stones way too big to be throwing at each other, just because you two remembered how much the adults hated it when you did. Then, youâd drag tired limbs home avoiding sweetgum tree spikes that had fallen to the ground and dug splinters out from your feet. Â
This day, you had been in the blackberry bushes. It was maybe late July or early August, and theyâd gotten heavy on their branches. Youâd waited until the smell of them, summer-warmed, was sweet and cloying in the air to pick them. With buckets in your hands, you plucked only the fattest berries from their bunches. Your fingers were stained a delightful purple and perhaps a bit thorn raw, but you didnât mind much then. You plucked for hours, and it was dusk before you could catch it. Dinner was no doubt waiting for you back home.Â
âThereâs a bunch over here,â Kai had said. He reached a long boyish arm, still awkward and lanky with puberty, up high for ripe bush. You finished off picking before climbing around thick branches sticking out to take a peek. A bunch, there was.Â
When you went to drop a handful of them into your bucket, Kai hissed. Heâd been snagged by a vicious looking branch, those ones as thick as a finger with thorns to match and youâd warn each other tongue-in-cheek to watch out for that one. Heâd worn those ridiculous shorts that day, the ones that looked half pants half shorts with how long and baggy they were, and the claws of the bush had jumped at the opportunity. At first the scrapes were white, but then red blood crawled out and down his leg. Â
âKai,â you said, some parts chiding and some parts just wondering how heâd managed that. You surveyed his leg for a bit, and then determined that he should wash his leg off in the stream. He walked there strong, but of course you noticed the hobble beneath his acting. When you squatted down into the dry grass and cupped water to wash off his leg, you laughed.Â
âWhat?â he had said, holding the shorts up. You covered your laugh with a hand, but it erupted past your palm. You remember the glare on his face very well. Â
You still laughed. âYouâre stupid,â you had told him.Â
âI didnât see it,â he said. âI tripped over it because it was sticking out.âÂ
That time when you brought your hands to catch some water, there was a twinkle in its surface. You didnât notice it for a second. The creek moved fast and you could see a lot of things in its reflection. When it lingered, thatâs when your brows furrowed. It seemed to twirl, dancing around like alive over the stones.Â
The sound of Kaiâs voice remains with you. âHey,â he had said, strong to call your attention but also wavered with uncertainty.Â
When you looked up, there was silver dust dancing around you.Â
It was fluffy and whorling, fine silver stardust. Itâd moved weightless in the air, as though it barely existed. In the center of it were a few moths. They seemed to be made of sterling powder just as the dust was, and they glowed against duskâs backdrop. If your memory serves you right, there had been a sweet hymn of coos from them. They beckoned you. Summerâs heat felt lighter, and so did your chest. You wondered where they had wanted you to go.Â
Almost afraid that if you spoke they might have fluttered away, you whispered soft and low to Kai. âWhat is that?â He was stood frozen there, pant leg still scrunched up in his fist. Stardust glowed soft in his brown eyes while he took it all in, you remember. It wasnât a scared frozen. You werenât scared, eitherârather, it was as if that lightness had found its way into the core of your being and brushed over it with mending hands.Â
He whispered back, âI donât know.â How could he have known? It was absurd.Â
Those whisps had beckoned you, flowing toward the deeper woods. The soft moths, their murmuring brushing up against your ears, seemed to wait for you to follow. You remember a pull, soft tendrils wrapping themselves around your heart and the yearning it planted there. Â
But there was also this reluctance, a bone-deep answering that had told you: No. Youâre not ready.Â
âKai, I wanna go,â you told him.Â
You didnât even need to tell him twice. Berry buckets forgotten; the journey home was a stranger one. When your dad asked why you returned from berry picking emptier handed than you had left the house, Kai and you only shared a look. You pair kept that evening at the creek hidden so well that it became more forgotten than shared secret. Â
ââÂ
Once, you had been the type of girl that loved being around family. Some of your favorite days of your life were spent in this living room, T.V. roaring over bouncing conversation. Some of those nights ended in rosy cheeks and laughs, and some ended with words thrown angry like fireworks. You never knew which youâd be getting, but you endured the fear of not knowing because it was a simple loveâthe basic kind built with biology into you the moment your infant skin touched your motherâs. You endured it because eventually, sleep washed away the bad taste left in your mouth and you forgave them quick, sometimes quicker than you ought to, and things would go on as if it hadnât even happened. You endured it because you could handle its burden, if only to feel the warmth you feel when itâs a good day. Â
Kai was always thereâhis dad was hardly home, so he found family in yours. When you were younger, youâd been embarrassed he was there for caustic, spitted words and intimate fights. Now, youâre just grateful for his shoulder. Â
So, yes. Once, you had loved being around your family. But things feel tenser now, nights spent all together less frequent and when they do happen, theyâre tainted by a strange air. You think that this strangeness is new, but an awful worry also makes you think that itâd always been there, that you only feel it now because youâve grown into your adult mind. A hollow ache stakes its claim in your chest, declaring that it wonât leave until you find that youthful ignorance and joy once more. You think that it might stay there forever.Â
Bare feet bounding down the stairs, you make a rare appearance downstairs. The cupboard is only half open to make way for a snack raid before your momâs voice cuts through the air. You know quickly just by the look on her face that you shouldâve stayed upstairs.Â
âHey,â she says, gathering laundry into a basket. âYouâve been applying to jobs?âÂ
With an anxious belly, you tell her, âYeah. A few. Theyâre not really, like, ideal, but I sent applications.â You donât remember when it got hard to look into your motherâs eyes, but you canât bring yourself to do so now. Â
âNot ideal?â she says. âItâs not like you can be picky. Mcdonalds or wherever, I donât care, youâre going to need to get a job if youâre staying here.âÂ
âI know. I applied,â you reiterate around a mumble. You close the cabinets, not so interested in a snack anymore. âI just... I donât know, ma. I donât want to do that for a living, going between those sorts of jobs.âÂ
Face hard and abrasive against the truth you bare, she does that awful taunting smile that makes you feel small. Stupid. âYouâre not going to college, so thatâs what itâs gonna be. You canât sit up there and draw for a living. Youâve gotta get into the real world, get some real experience.â Â
Thereâs a burst of hurt in your chest, dazzling and gnawing. Sheâs getting closer to saying how she really feels about your dreams out loud every day. Your face burns and so do your eyes, knot thick in your throat. âYeah, okay. Got it,â you say, nodding. Youâre at the front door before you even know it, slipping on shoes and fighting the greatest internal battle to will back tears. Sheâd use those against you, no doubt about it. âIâm going to Kaiâs,â you throw over your shoulder. Â
Whatever she barks back at you, youâre glad you donât hear. Bells on some old Christmas decoration hung on the door that had yet to be taken down, even into summer, jingle and wash it away for you.Â
Kaiâs brows shoot up when he opens the door to your face crumpling. Youâd done so well at damming it up, but the wall cracks and the water crashes through once you see him. If it were anybody else, youâd feel icky and attention seeking, but youâd held Kai to your chest through gut-wrenching sobs as much as heâs done it for you. Without question, he takes you into his arms, warm hand running up and down your back. The warm soothing is so familiar. You melt right into it. Â
He keeps you there for a long moment. Then, his chest rumbles as he tells you, âCome on.â The walk through the AC to his bedroom is nice. Having a house like Kaiâs to come to where it can just be you is nice, too. You step around the mess of clothes and scattered belongings on his floor like you have a muscle-memory roadmap of his room. Boxsprings creak and hard mattress welcome you back home. His room is dark as always, a night-dweller you call him. The array of peeling band posters plastered over walls you two had painted blue some years ago, when itâd been his favorite color, donât help to lighten it up. He keeps a low lamplight on. Â
âShe never listens to me,â you say, crying gone to occasional sniffles from your chest. You rest your cheek on your bent knee.Â
âI know,â he says. âBut at least she cares about you. Pays attention to you.â His voice is soft and deep and right next to you. Always right next to you, there for you even when you might not appreciate it as you should. Â
His dad cares too little what he does, and yours care too much. The grass is always greener on the other side, you know it. Still, you hold a fantasy where youâre able to do teenager stuff. Where youâd allow yourself to do bad things, because you werenât so intent on painting yourself with their will. You two hold eyes for a long moment, your twinkling ones caught in that steady brown. âI just want to get away. Be my own person.â Your words are muffled in the softness of your skin.Â
âYou had the chance to do it,â Kai says, hand playing with your fingers. âBut you didnât.âÂ
Holding your legs closer, you lick your lips. What do you say to that? Would it ever be the time to tell him that you did it because you think that your soul is pathetically intertwined with his, and that it might snuff your lifeforce out to even try pursuing life without him? Without this? How do you tell him that youâre so frozen and unwilling to pursue any sort of future because it means accepting that this chapter is over? You clutch childhood to your chest like a wild animal guarding scarce food; you refuse. You refuse to acknowledge its end. Â
âKai,â is all you say, trembled and thick. Itâs not just your motherâs words that dig at you and tear to shreds the last bits of what dreaming you had left in you, but so many other reality checks too. This isnât the first time youâve heard those sorts of words, urging you forward. You can only dig your heel into the ground for so long before youâre swept away in timeâs ruthless, endless moving. Â
He understands. Lifting your face with warm fingers against your cheeks, he says, âHey. How about we go get ice cream, or something?âÂ
Ice cream does sound nice. âDairy Queen?âÂ
Smirk tugged over his mouth, he says, âYes, Dairy Queen. A blizzard. Câmon, letâs go.â Sliding off the bed, he offers you an urging hand up.Â
But you falter. âI donât know if we can. Sheâs mad at me. I donât think sheâll let me go.âÂ
âLet you go?â he says, eyes narrowed. âShe doesnât have to let you go. Youâre an adult now, you go if you want to.â He offers his hand to you again.Â
Itâs so him, freely going wherever he ordain it. The bullheadedness is very him, as well. Always the devil on your shoulder, he was the root of any rebellious thing youâve ever done. He could never understand your apprehension, or why getting in trouble was such an awful thing to you. âI have to ask to get money.âÂ
Brows pinching, he says, âYou think Iâm not gonna pay for you? You donât need them to give you money, Iâll pay. Iâll take care of it.â He drags you up from the bed this time. âLive a little. Do you want to go?âÂ
It was never the punishments or the getting in trouble that you were scared of, though. Disappointment was a scarier word than grounded. Sneaking out and those sorts of things, itâs not like you had angel wings at your back and never considered them. Itâs that you are deeply, utterly terrified of changing how they look at you. You begin to tell him, âI do, butââÂ
He cuts you off, adamant. âThen do it. Letâs go. If you want to go, then go,â he says. âAt some point, your life needs to become your own. Itâs not sneaking out when youâre graduated and eighteen years old, itâs going wherever the hell you want. Youâve... Youâre gonna end up stuck here, in this town, forever. You donât deserve that.âÂ
That sounds like both the best and the worst thing youâve ever heard. You take his hand. Â
ââÂ
Your frozen fingers nurse your ice cream. The cup itself is cold, but the Dairy Queen on your side of town is always thirty degrees below what it should be. Itâd always been that way. Even way back when you two couldnât drive, youâd get dropped off here to escape the melting weather and get a frozen treat with a handful of dollars. Each time, youâd start off sagging with the relief of summerâs weight off your shoulders and left the place shivering and sugar-mouthed. Â
Itâs really only you two in here. You crinkle your nose when he takes a spoonful. âOut of all the flavors...âÂ
Unbothered and no doubt expecting you to say it, he offers you a flat, âYou get your flavor, I get mine.â He makes a point of taking an extra-long bite. His lips linger around the red plastic of the spoon and his brows rest high in silent challenge. Â
The corners of your lips twitch up. âHmm. Well. I just have a hard time believing that Oreo... or, like, brownie fudge, is right there, and you actually want M&M. I donât get how M&M your favorite.â A familiar banter falls over your tongues. Your heart buzzes and your cheeks radiate. This is the first youâve done this all summer, and itâll be weaning off into fall soon. Any other summer, you wouldâve been here on all the hottest days. You hate that Kaiâs been so busy with his music; you hate that you can hear the resounding ticks of the clock counting down your time. You also hate that the stubborn depths of you still believe that if you freeze yourself here in stasis that the world will relent and stop along with you.Â
You look over the sharp lines of Kaiâs jawline as it feathers with his chewing, and the broadness of his shoulders where his jacket stretches around it, and the starkness of his collarbones against his chest and the bobbing of his adamâs apple when he swallows. No, time doesnât stop. Some of him remains the same, though. In it, you see the boy that had love creeping up on you so long ago, with all its aching and all its hope. That freckle on the column of his neck, the bump in his nose leading down to the button tip that beckons your lips to steal a quick kiss. Â
And, those lips. Theyâre as soft as ever around the discontented grimace he pulls. âM&M isnât my favorite.âÂ
With a pursed mouth and patronizing brows arched over your eyes, you say, âOh, huh. Thatâs funny, because if my memory serves me right, itâs the only flavor youâve ordered for the past... six years.â Â
Kai husks a laugh at that. âThatâs because they havenât had my favorite for years,â he tells you, scooping up the final bit and then pushing it off to the side. âIt was a blizzard of the month that they discontinued. The blackberry cheesecake one. I made peace with it, though. It lives on in my heart.â He grins, arms crossed over his chest and his back settled into the booth seat to let you finish your cup. Â
âBlackberry cheesecake,â you say, voice made taunting. Your nod is slow and taunting, too. âWell, forget M&Ms.Why would blackberry cheesecake be your favorite? Ever?âÂ
His face falters, a moment where something flows over his eyes as if reliving a memory in a few short seconds. Then, he shrugs. âIt just is.âÂ
You roll your eyes. âWhatever,â you laugh. âMaybe my palate is unrefined.â Imagining the tarte fruit in purple swirls of ice cream, youâre taken back to a humid July day and the scent of churned mud. Â
The strange memory unfolds itself quick. As if it were waiting for you to find wherever itâd hidden itself away. With a sharp gasp, you say, âOh my god, Kai. Do you remember that one day? That weird stuff we saw down at the creek?âÂ
He nods. âYeah. I was just thinking of that the other day, actually...âÂ
Less interested in finishing your cup now, you let the spoon rest. âWhat?â you say, the word peaking in the middle. That day hadnât crossed your mind once since itâd happened. âHow weird is that?âÂ
Scoffing a laugh, he says, âWeird, yeah. Just as strange as two kids high on fermented berries.âÂ
That draws a breathy laugh from you. âIs that what you think it was?â you ask him with knitted brows. The berries had been fresh, and you two had popped plenty into your mouth. But no doubt, youâd have spat them right back out if they were that ripe. âI mean, we saw the same thing.âÂ
âIt happens to animals all the time. Squirrells, and stuff.â He lends you a gallic shrug. âWe just freaked ourselves out. Like that one time you said you saw the shape of something in the dark and we freaked out. And it was clothes.â Â
Well, hallucinating, in tandem, a glowing mist because you two by chance ate fermented berries is a very long shot. However nonchalant he acts about it, he seems to have thought long and hard about it. Enough to reason it away with some far cry explanation. Would you have even been able to get drunk off a handful of fermented berries? And, god, youâre really sure that youâd have noticed. That taste isnât really one you just donât notice. Â
Whatever. Maybe you were just drunk idiots. Thatâs a lot easier to swallow, anyway.Â
âOkay, but you saw that. Did it not look sinister?â you say. With your spoon back in your hand, you punctuate the sentence pointing it at him. âYou freaked out with me, too.â Â
An unsatisfied scowl on his lips, he steals a spoonful of your dessert. You donât even swat him awayâyour phone buzzes in your pocket.Â
Catching sight of whoâs calling, you share a long look with Kai. Itâs funny, how fast those three white letters scramble you up. When you hesitate to answer, Kai tells you, âAnswer.âÂ
You hope she canât tell youâre not at Kaiâs by the refrigeratorsâ dull buzzing. Itâs an effort to tussle that invasive worry back. Youâre at Dairy Queen. Getting ice cream with the boy sheâs known since childhood. She should clutch her hands and thank the sky that youâre here, not out in some nasty frat house like you could be. You thumb the green button.Â
Her voice comes through the speaker crackled and asking you to run over to do a quick dish load. For a heartbeat you consider telling her that you will and then start rushing home. Instead, you fork out the truth through resistant lips.Â
The hangup tone sits heavy on the air between you and Kai. Having listened to the whole thing on speaker, he says, âWhat was so hard about that? The world didnât end, did it?âÂ
The plush of your lip takes a hard gnawing. No, it hadnât. âI know sheâs not going to get mad at me for just going here,â you say as you rest your elbows onto the table. âItâs that theyâre supporting me right now. I still live under their roof. The more I go around and insist I can do whatever I want, theyâll start reminding me of it.âÂ
His face drawn, he lets his mouth twitch to one side. âYeah,â he muses. âI never thought yours would be the type to kick you out.âÂ
Kaiâs dad had started threating him with getting kicked out years ago, when he first started telling him that he wanted to do music. How many times had he let reluctant tears flow into your shoulder over it? Because music wasnât a real job? Back then, youâd whispered in his ears that heâd become everything heâd dreamed of and more as your fingers carded through shaggy locks of hair. Â
âI donât know,â you say, humming it out noncommittally. âIs your dad still... yâknow?âÂ
Nodding slowly, his eyes tell. âYeah. Always.âÂ
âBecause youâre taking the band seriously, now?â you ask. Â
âProbably. I donât give a shit what he thinks about it. If Iâm just his goddamn problem, Iâll give him what he wants soon enough.â His eyes blaze with promise of it. Â
It takes a bit out of you to not wince. Kai living anywhere but in the house across from yours is wrong. âI donât think he necessarily wants that, Kai...â You take his hand in your icy ones, the urge to reach out to him thinly veiled under the guise of searching out warmth. Heâd always run warmer than youâyour personal heater. âItâs probably because he can see that youâre doing it for real. Not just saying it anymore.âÂ
âYeah, well,â he spits, âI canât fucking wait to see what heâll say to me when I make it. That piece of shit, though, he wouldnât even care. Itâs not like he ever gave a shit about me enough for it to matter.âÂ
But, it matters to you, you want to tell him. You understand his need to throw it all in his face. Though. âIs that one label going to sign you? The one you were talking about?âÂ
His tongue darts out to wet dry lips. âThey havenât yet. I donât know. But I donât need that money to get out of here, Iâve been working on it.âÂ
âThey will,â you say. âBut, where would you go? Not too far?â You try and keep it light and playful, even as your heart aches.Â
âCome with me,â he says. Itâs painfully blunt, as if it were that simple. âLetâs go get and apartment; you and me.âÂ
âKai...â you say. âYou donât have to drag me along because you feel bad.âÂ
The idea doesnât sound half bad, though. Â
âWhat?â His face tightens, as if somewhere under the surface your words had scraped somewhere tender. âYou donât have to stay here forever. Please. I want... I want you to come with me. You wouldnât have to even tell them; just bring all your stuff and go together. We could do it together. Like we said we would.â Â
âWe were like, five. Everybody tries to pretend running away at five,â you deadpan. Itâs a washy attempt at lightening things back up.Â
Living with him, moving out together, should feel like everything youâve ever wanted. And, maybe it is. But, heâs not asking you to live with him the way you want him to. Not in the way that your aching heart wishes he would. Â
Kai doesnât share the laugh you give him. âYeah, okay,â he says, leaning into the table. Â
Perhaps you should consider the potent disappointment heâs terribly masking with a face of indifference, though.Â
ââÂ
Slowly, the knots in your belly have worked themselves out. When Kai had dropped you off, theyâd been so awful that you felt borderline sick. You sat the whole ride there in his old beat-up truck picking at your nails and rambling to him. He listened to you the whole time. And then when it was time to walk in, it had least felt a little easier to do so with his eyes on you, watching to make sure you made it in safely.Â
Youâd gotten a job. Itâs not too bad, folding clothes out on display. It would be nice if they kept the lights a bit brighter, but youâll get used it eventually, you hope.Â
Most of your coworkers are around your age, but the one showing you the ropes... your heart had fluttered.Â
âYouâll get it,â Yeonjun says. The smile you find on his lips once he straightens up from placing product on a display is smooth and smug. Sleek strands of black hair fall over his eyes. You fluster under his gaze. Â
With arms crossed over your chest you say, âYeah, probably.â You reach into the cardboard box for stock to practice on.Â
âWhereâd you work before this?â he asks, leaning back into a wall to watch you. Suddenly, you make sloppier work of your folding. âYour first retail job?âÂ
Some obnoxious pop song falls down from the speakers over the store. Nobodyâs in here yet, thankfully; youâve got some time to try and get a handle on everything. âNo, this is my first job. I was so nervous walking in.âÂ
Interest catches in his eyes. It encourages that smooth smile on his lips further. âDonât worry, sweetheart, Iâll show you the reins.âÂ
Your mind stalls. The suggestive, sly flicker to itâare you looking too much into it? Maybe thatâs just how guys like Yeonjun act. Itâs hard to pretend that you donât see how heâs looking at you, though. It has your belly twisted up in fluttery knots. Itâs not like you hadnât had your share of his type. But, for some reason youâd rather not address, heâs got your heart thumping in your chest.Â
He laughs at your fifth attempt to fold up the shirt. When he takes it from you to help, he smells of musk and vetiver. âYou going to college near here?â he continues. Â
âNah, just doing this, I guess,â you answer, watching him fold it up to try and soak it up. Â
âReally? Why not?â he hums, crossing his arms about his chest. âYou seem like a smart girl.âÂ
Buffering, your blood buzzes in your veins and your cheeks burn. âDunno. Not really sure what to do. Are you in college?âÂ
âNah. Iâm trying to figure things out, too.âÂ
The both of you pop your heads up when the bell rings to announce the arrival of a customer. Â
âYeah,â you say, eyeing him. Heâs a few years older than you, no doubt, and yet his life hasnât fallen apart because heâs not done anything grand yet. Â
Timeâs hand around your neck loosens. Just a little bit. Â
ââÂ
You sit crisscrossed on top of Kaiâs bedsheets. Heâd thrown the windows open because the AC died, but itâs no help. The hot air wafting about the room sits heavy on your skin. Youâd dressed in as little material as possible to let it breathe, bare thighs clad in a pair of loose shorts and a thin tank top, but itâs still miserable.Â
Perhaps you two should be going over to yours, but you havenât had time alone with him for a few weeks now. You hate this busier life, where you struggle to make room for this.Â
Your new job isnât so awful, though. Especially with Yeonjun there. A bout of nerves flows up through your stomach. That reminds you.Â
Sitting up a bit straighter, you consider not doing it. In fact, you really shouldnât. But your mouth moves before you can put a stopper on it.Â
âHey, Kai,â you say. The thickness in your throat makes you believe that your heartâs jumped up into it, caught. God, what are you doing? The unsure waver in your words has you regretting.Â
His eyes flicker up to yours. He hums out a, âHuh?âÂ
No, this is wrong. You mess with the thin cotton strap of your tank top where itâd slipped down. âNever mind,â you tell him, trying to shrug it off. Â
That piques his interest. âNo, what?â His brow pinches. Â
You lick your lips and shake your head. âNothing, never mind. Really.âÂ
His eyes search you from where he sits up against the wall. âTell me,â he demands.Â
Really, you shouldnât have said it in the first place. It was a ridiculous idea. But now you know heâs not going to let it go. And, ridiculously, you say it. âI was just... wondering,â you say, blood roaring. "Well, Yeonjun wants me to come over to his place this weekend, and... Iâve never...â Sucking in a quick breath, you just spit it out to get it over with, âWould you be my first kiss, Kai?âÂ
Insects buzz outside as he looks at you, frozen in spot. You reject the urge to dart away or throw up. Youâre honestly just as shaken as him. But really, who else could you trust with something like that? You donât want Yeonjun to be disappointed if he kisses you, or to seem inexperienced to him.Â
And, perhaps, the hopelessly in love part of you hopes to at least feel his lips on yours at least once. If youâre going to be alone forever in your longing, you just wish that you can have this.Â
âWhat?â Kai says. He looks rattled. Â
Of course, heâs shocked. You shift. âForget I said that,â you tell him, unable to meet his gaze. Â
String-roughened fingers wrap around your upper arm. âI didnât say anything,â he says, voice strained and face less shock-fallen and more darkened. âBut... I mean, you want me to teach you to kiss for some other guy.â He spits out the last bit as if bitter in his mouth. Â
âYou donât have to do it,â you say. âI just... thought that I might ask you to do it. I donât know, Iâm sorry I said it. Iâll just wing it or something.â His roomâs grown ten degrees hotter, if that was possible. Especially where you feel his eyes on your face. Â
Almost imperceptibly, his hand tightens around you. He swallows hard. âYou want to learn how to kiss?â he says. âFine. Iâll teach you.âÂ
In a heart-stopping moment, your eyes snap to his. Brown and familiar, they hold you with an intensity that turns your limbs into jelly. The air is stifling. âWhat... do I do?â you ask when the silence becomes too heavy. Â
A muscle feathers in his jaw, reflected in the low light of his room. Itâs quick and so easy to miss, but it tells you everything you need to know about how this is making him feel. How much disbelief heâs in. âCome here,â he says, stilted around the absolute absurdity of it. He pats on his lap.Â
You make a hesitant crawl across the bed toward him. It seems as though your elbows might buckle beneath your weight, but you make it despite the odds. A fog settles over your brain when you rest your hands on his shoulders and bring your legs to straddle his lap.Â
But you shove it back; you want to live and breathe every last second of this. No matter how unbelievable or blistering it is. Â
Breaths fan out over your face. Itâs seizing your mind like undiluted liquor. âWhere do I put my hands?â you ask him. Itâs breathless, the air stolen right from your lungs though your mouths havenât even touched. Â
âThere is fine,â he says. His words sound breathless, too. The weight of his touch on you as he runs his own up to support your back is unsure. âAnd then...â he says. It falls out on your mouth slowly, and then heâs taking your lips onto his.Â
The walls melt away, sound does too. All that is real is the taste of his lips and how they move against you. Your lips start tentative, but you try his mouth movements yourself. It feels like a timid danceâit feels like deep, deep down, finally everything is right. That mist, thick and blinding, falls back over you.Â
Something changes. Something in it, where you two meet, changes. He becomes hungry. Softly locked lips turn biting and nipping, shaky breaths exhaled slow through your nose. His hands on your back become surer, and one even ventures off to grab your chin. The other holds you to his chest, melded together despite the intense smoke and flame rolling off your bodies. You wonder if he can feel your heart beating a mess there.Â
Reluctance paints you both when you pull back. Youâre panting deep drinks of air. Itâs hard to think; your mindâs run off and sits just out of reach. Licking your messy lips, stained with illicitness, you can only manage to brush your fingers against it to form words. âHow... was that?â you say, searching his eyes. You find his pupils blown so wide that they consume the warm brown. Youâre ready to jump out of your skin with that look pointed at you. Â
Kai doesnât answer, though. He slams your mouths back together as if starved by just the brief moment youâd parted for air. Nips on your bottom lip and emboldened handsâhe moves like roaring water through a dam. A dam that heâd worked hard to fortify, and yet, at a crack itâs all falling down. Fingertips digging through the fabric of your shorts down to your soft hips, his chest rumbles. You feel it reflected in your core, electricity charging there and shooting up your spine and down your thighs.Â
You kiss him for all the times you wish you wouldâve, but didnât. The slight rolls of your hips down onto him come easy. You love how it has him making a sound into your mouth and taking the fat beneath his fingers harder into his hands. He helps you.Â
He drops his head into your neck. Your head swims for air and he has you shuddering with just the brushing of his nose against the column of your neck. The walls of his room spin around you. âKai,â you whine, every bit of friction his jeans provide, even clothed as you are, just enough to rile you but not to give you what you need.Â
âGod,â he growls, thumbs hooking under your waistband. âYou always fucking run around dressed in nothing,â he says, letting his fingers linger like a suggestion of undressing you. âDid you do it on purpose? Expect to make me crazy, knowing I couldnât touch you?âÂ
And, in those words, it seems that he steals every last bit of breath from you. How often had you gone braless or worn something like this around him? Laid here, in his bed, like that?Â
Grown tired of your fruitless grinding, he brings a hand down to support your lower back and says, âTurn around.âÂ
Though you explode with the prospect of what he might be intending to do or whatâs next, if youâre really going to do this, you do so in a flash of eager limbs. His chest is solid against your back, you melt against the feeling of it. Heâd become such a man lately, filled out, and you watched it happen. It was hard for your eyes not to catch on muscle-corded forearms while he picked at strings or to not appreciate the timbred rumble of his voice when youâd feel it come from his chest. How could it not do things to you? Now, heâs dragging your shorts down your legs and youâre in disbelief. Â
âFuck,â he breaths out. His fingers find your panties soaked through. âSo, youâre the type to get dripping wet.âÂ
An embarrassed blush decorates your cheeks. Kai drags his index finger in circles around your clit through the fabric as if enamored with how much of a mess youâd made of it. Your hips twitch every time he rolls right over it. Itâs strange how heâs got your body acting on its own volition with his touches. Even stranger that itâs your best friend doing it. âSorry,â you tell him, wavering. Â
He continues those terribly slow circles. âSorry?â he says, chin on your shoulder. Heâs got you wrapped up in him, with nowhere to go but to melt back into him and let his fingers work. Free hand on one of your inner thighs digging divots into the plushness there to hold it still, he tells you, âItâs nothing to be sorry about. Itâs hot as fuck. Youâre so excited for me to touch you, huh?âÂ
The words wreak havoc on you, feeding the flame that has your belly twisted up tight and the ignition point between your thighs pounding. To hear them coming from him, reserved Kai, has you digging your fingers into his forearm to prove that itâs real. Youâd never have imagined him being so... filthy. You imagine him behind falsely nonchalant eyes, devouring you with a perverted mind all the times youâd spent innocently sitting together in this room. Â
Your cheeks squish beneath his fingers as he takes your face and turns it to him. He wants to make sure youâre look at him as he asks you, âDo you want me to finger you?âÂ
Like a record, your brain skips. Between the blunt, lewd question and his hand on you, itâs in overload. How could ask something like that so simply? Stunned as you are, of course you want him to. You want him to do anything to you. You nod. Â
Every last nerve and neuron in your system, just below the skin, cry out when his fingers slow down to nothing. âHmm?â he says, ignoring the chasing of your hips and the opening of your thighs to invite him into paying your poor pussy the attention heâd ripped from it. He wants to hear you say it. Â
About ten minutes ago, you lost your mind. It does not return to you now. âI want you to,â you say, chest beating in tandem with your cunt.Â
âYou want me to, right? Not some dumbass you met a week ago, huh?â he says. âBecause you know that this is what itâs meant to be. Me, doing these things to you. Not some twenty-five-year-old piece of shit. He doesnât deserve you, baby. Understand?âÂ
His fingers slider under your panties. Dumb brained and cognition gone muddled, you nod. All you can really think about is the moment his fingers slide over you. Fire licks up your lower belly and your insides as he brushes calloused finger tips finally right against your clit.Â
Puffed breaths of a scoff raise goosebumps over your skin. âTeach you to kiss so that you can go over there and get his hands on you,â he says, middle two fingertips prodding at your entrance. âAs if you were ever anybodyâs but mine. Youâd come crawling back to me, baby, because it was always meant to be us. He could never satisfy you.âÂ
His words might alarm you or have you asking questions if he hadnât pushed his fingers into you and begun curling them with strong, pointed presses, pulling soft mewls and hums from you until he finds a spot that twists up your insides. Even through the palm you press over your mouth, your moans come out more like wavering grunts and croaks. Your thighs quiver and twitch, threatening to snap closed against your own will with each. Only your feet stay planted to the mattress. Like a cone of soft serve under the sunâs blistering attention, you melt down him. Just his frame keeps you upright.Â
âRight there, huh?â he says. The smirk on his mouth filters his words into something taunting. âThatâs where you like it.â Itâs like heâs learning your body step by step, fulfilling all the questions heâd been forced to only guess at before this. Â
âUh-huh.â It comes out whiny and cracks in the middle, but you canât find even an ounce of you to care right now. If this moment had been a long spiral, a fall from grace, down into a dark pit of forgotten inhibitions, youâve just hit the bottom. Cheeks blazing cherry blossom pink and with your fingers curling into his pant leg, you donât doubt that you are a picturesque mess. The kind of mess thatâs beautiful because itâs dirty. Your teeth are not gentle on your plush bottom lip. It stings, tugged back and bitten and still a bit swollen with kisses. Perhaps you taste the tang of metal on it, but you pay it no mind.Â
Kai redoubles his efforts. Now that he knows exactly how to play you, heâs fucking you on his fingers without mercy. The sounds coming from your cunt were wet, but now theyâre differentâ nasty squelching. The only noises coupling with your pathetic keening. Forget anchoring yourself on his thigh, forget muffling your sounds. Instead, your hands fly to encircle his flexing forearm. Under your nails, angry red crescents dig into the muscle there. What had been a languid, building pleasure suddenly becomes everything. Your breaths run away from you, and you chase them frantically. Deep down in your core, the muscles spasm and rage against his fingers. âHâoh god,â you groan. Even the muscles in your thighs and tummy tighten up.Â
âSo whiny...â Kai mumbles, voice taut with the effort of eroding you down into pure, blinding-white pleasure.Â
And then, in a swoop of mercy, your belly tightens. You hover here, on the precipice of something so consuming and voracious that your muscles and bones reject it, and yet your heart sings. Your eyes and cheeks and lungs and belly burn, the flame charring the edges of you in a beckon. You answer its call. Kai doesnât mind the snapping of your legs shut around his arm, nor does your bucking or shaking deter him. He just holds you through it, arm like a metal bar around your waist. Heâs everywhere, in this momentâthe smell of him, leather and utterly familiar, his mouth dusting hot kisses over your skin, his fingers guiding you through orgasm. Where youâd gone silent in the initial crash of it, you devolve into mewls and grunts as you come down. Â
He holds you even as you slump against him boneless. Afterglow simmers in your veins and has your brain all lethargic and lazy. Neither of you speak for a while, your pulse thumping a rhythm. His breaths rise and fall against you; it grounds you in this moment where you feel all spacey and gone. You become aware again of how disgustingly sweltering it is in his room, your skin sheened.Â
That brainless bliss only lasts you for so long, though. When rational mind returns to you, no matter how you wish it wouldnât, youâre hit in the chest with regret so hard it knocks the wind out of you.Â
How will anything ever be the same after what youâd just done? Stricken still by the thought, you barely register him pulling his fingers out of you. After all your worrying about making sure no wedge comes between you two, look what youâve gone and done. No; nothing ever will be the same again. Â
ââÂ
A couple of weeks ago, you ruined the one friendship you were supposed to have forever. It presses down heavy one you while you sit sprawled out on Yeonjunâs couch, his arm around your shoulder. His phone casts a glow over his features with all the lights out.Â
It doesnât smell like home. He, pressed against your side, doesnât smell like home. Â
Some stupid movie that heâd picked out, yet somehow youâve ended up the only one still watching it, weaves a hum into the quiet of his apartment. Tangy hurt wells up in your throat. Even the moments when you and Kai would sit in mutual silence on your phones never felt like this. This is different. Â
You havenât seen Kai since that night. Heâs been busy getting ready to move out, and youâve been here most days. How fast all of it had changed. You wish youâd feel whiplashed, left empty, by the drifting that youâd been so terrified of. But you donât. Itâs just been you, locked on land, watching him being taken away by the oceanâs tide with no way to change its course. You tried and screamed to call him back, but now your voice has gone hoarse. Â
And instead of watching him go, you choose to look elsewhere. Itâs all you can do to protect yourself from the hurt.Â
âHey,â Yeonjun says, finally addressing you rather than whoeverâs heâs got in his phone. âDid you bring anything to change into?â Â
âI brought stuff to sleep in,â you say, eyeing him. You know thatâs not why heâs asking. If it came down to it, you could just steal something from him and pull it on. He means going out clothes. Your jaw tightens. âBut nothing nice. Why?âÂ
He stretches his arms behind his head in a flaunt of long arms and tanned muscle. Hours spent at the gym lent him those; you appreciate the look of it with a watering mouth. Kai had earned his build by hours spent outside with your dad, because his own could care less, helping him fix up cars and vehicles of all ridiculous sorts. You remember when Kai had first gotten his truckâjunk on wheels, honestlyâheâd spent so much of summer out there getting it running. And, well... the sun-kissed bronze of his skin and frame that came with it, you had no qualms with.Â
But those memories only sit heavy in your chest as youâre sat here beside Yeonjun. You banish them elsewhere; you need to let him drift off. If you canât have each other, and your feelings wonât permit just being friends, then you have to. You want him to do amazing things, and you fear that itâs your presence in his life that will interrupt that. As much as your feelings are real, they are selfish. You, your unsure direction and all your dead weight, should let him go. Because you love him.Â
âThe guys want to come over,â he tells you, pushing off from the couch. âYou should probably into change into something less showy.âÂ
Less showy. Your mouth drops into a scoff of disbelief, looking down. A pair of shorts and a shirt, showy? You have to laugh, or else youâll succumb to the strange embarrassment crawling at the back of your skull. Whatâs he trying to say? Is that what he thinks of you? âWhatâs that supposed to mean?â you say, face tilted up to him in a twist of distaste. âIâm wearing something comfy.âÂ
He shrugs, hands shoved into the pockets of his black sweats. âDonât want to give them the wrong idea about you, thatâs all, baby. Theyâre guys; I just want to protect you.âÂ
âNo,â you say, the word falling out in a barked laugh. âWhy would you even be bringing over dudes that you think will look at me like that? Why are you even friends with people that you think are gonna make moves on your girlfriend?â He holds a hand out to you, but your hands stay right where they are: crossed solidly over your chest.Â
Throwing that hand up in audacious exasperation, he gives you a look that makes you feel small and petulantâlike youâre throwing an overblown fit. And, maybe you are. You should probably just do it; him seeing you as some overbearing or high maintenance girl has that embarrassment flaring like wildfire thatâs found dry brush. âCâmon, baby,â he says, a lazy smile on his mouth that gets under your skin. âLetâs just have an easy night. Donât make it a big deal.âÂ
Letâs just have an easy night. As if youâre the one ruining the night. Something snarky tries to seize your tongue, but you hold it down. âI thought it would be just us. We wanted to watch the movie together, Yeonjun. Canât you wait to hang out with your friends? Letâs enjoy our time together; youâve got your shift tomorrow.âÂ
âMy fucking god,â he groans, running a hand through his hair furiously. âYouâre needy, you know that? The neediest Iâve ever had to put up with. I donât put up with needy, baby. Canât you just chill out a little? My last didnât mind when Iâd have friends over.âÂ
Your eyes burn. Your cheeks burn. Heâd been with plenty of other girls before you; that, youâre well aware of. Itâs been a corrosive source of self-doubt for you. You donât want that title: the neediest heâs ever had. Donât want him to think of you as some prude that wonât let him have fun. Just... hearing him bring up the other girls heâd been with before you stings and leaves welts no different from a slap in the face. Feelings of inadequacy shackle you and have you saying, âFine. Iâm gonna borrow some of your clothes.âÂ
Heavy resentment blooms on your skin where he bends down and presses kisses to your cheek, and then mouth, and then down your neck. âThank you, baby.âÂ
And, where those ugly, wilted flowers of it bloom, you hear echoes of something. Something that tells you that Kai wouldnât treat you like this. But youâve made your bed, decided to do it yourself, and now youâve got to lay on it.Â
ââÂ
The frat parties are the worst kind of social outing that Yeonjun insists upon. The smaller kinds, more intimate gathering with just his closer friends, you tolerate much easier. Youâre not fond of the circles he chooses. Breathing in thick, smoked-out air surrounded by alcohol-coated breaths is not your type of fun night. Somehow, you end up doing that more than date nights. But thatâs better than being here. The base rumbles up through your feet and makes your stomach sick, and it reeks of grinding bodies and body odor, and condensation coats your fingers from the red solo cup as full as when youâd first gotten it.Â
But, still, you come along. Not every time, but when you donât, you lay in his bed sickening yourself with images of what he might be doing here. How pathetic is it to attend parties with your boyfriend because you fear that otherwise, he might stick his tongue down the throats of other girls?Â
Youâre looking for him right now, awkward and left alone. Heâd promised to stick around; you had begged him to. That was pathetic, too. You know that you put up with too much. If he loved you, or honestly even liked you, you two would be in the thick of the throngs dancing or off somewhere talking with others. Together. The frantic skimming and weeding of your eyes through the blur of faces is not right. Thatâs not how he should make you feel. Itâs not how Kai would make you feel.Â
Well, Kai would never have you here in the first place.Â
Venturing out from your little corner, you sift between the bodies of people have a hell of a lot better time than you. Drunken, some you bounce off of like bumper carts. You press your palm over the round face of your cup to spare the floor from spillage threatening to pour over the lip. Itâs not like a splash from yours would matter much, though. The linoleum has already been made a fetor mess of dirt off shoes and the sticky sugar of liquor. Your shoes peel from it as you walk. God, what would your parents think of you being here?Â
You peek around corners and eye big groups. Heâs not in the kitchen when you look there, either. Your stomach feels sick in a knowing wayâa gut feeling that doesnât justify anger or tears just yet, but you know. Right in the center of your chest, you know.Â
Itâs in some room that you find him. Sat on the floor along with a few faces you donât know, he pulls from his bottle. And on his shoulder, he lets a girl with shining curls and pink cheeks rest her head. At your busting in on the intimate gathering, Yeonjunâs eyes slide to you. Recognition flashes over them and wars with bleary drunkenness.Â
âHey, baby,â he says. Their gazes all fall on you, but you can hardly see them through blurry eyes.Â
The girl lifts her head from his shoulder. Sheâd caught the memo.Â
âI think Iâm gonna go.â You make it sound resigned, try to not let them see your shame, but your voice betrays you and crackles. Maybe itâs better to pretend it doesnât feel like youâve just been kicked in the stomach and left to reel against the force, but you canât. Youâre nowhere near shocked, nowhere near blindsided, but still you hurt.Â
He follows you down the hall. âWhatâs your problem?â he says, the few, plain words mending and waving into a slurring.Â
Youâve got one goal: get to the front door, away from the shitty music and him. His words, sharpened, fall off your skin despite his efforts. What good would fighting do you, anyway? It was always going to end up this way. This is just who he is, and he doesnât give two shits enough about you to want to change that.Â
âBaby, seriously? That made you this mad? I didnât even fucking do anything. Stop being insecure,â he says. At the gritting of your teeth, he sees an opportunity and pounces on it. âYou donât need to be jealous. I donât do jealous shit. We can dance, or something. Shit, I donât know what you want! Just stop throwing a fit.âÂ
Didnât do anything? You have to laugh. Maybe you didnât walk in on him fucking someone else, but thatâs not what this is about. Not even a little bit. Youâve checked out, and the fact that he thinks he can make you believe that itâs your fault this time only drives the killing stake in harder.Â
Maybe youâre bitter. It claws at your insidesâturns your face hot and screams in your face that youâve been used. But beside it sits a sadness. Not the slow kind, but the quick sadness of hurt. Why hadnât you been good enough for him to love you? To like you? Youâd left behind Kai and rested your new life on Yeonjunâs shoulders. Youâd wanted so badly for his approval, or for him to want you. You did your best to try and make this work out because you needed it to. You needed so desperately proof that you could fall in love with somebody else. But your best was not what Yeonjun was interested in. Â
Pins and needles prick your skin as you step outside, like jumping into an ice bath. It shocks you out of dizziness. Words surge up and out in a flash flood like hard reality. You spin on him. âJealous?â you say, choking out a scathing laugh. âThe last thing Iâd ever let myself suffer over you is jealousy. Get over yourself. Iâm going, stay here if you want. I donât care.âÂ
âHow are you gonna do that, huh?â he says. The flickering yellow of the porchlight paints his features. The shadow of something fluttering around it cuts dark spots in the light, and then a small little moth comes down and jumps around in his face. He waves it off. âGonna have bitch boy come pick you up? You canât leech off him forever; heâs gonna get sick of picking up another manâs girlfriend.â It seems like you walking in on that had sobered him up, but his breath still curls out onto your face with the reek of alcohol. âItâs not a big deal. Youâre making this a bigger deal than it has to be. Do you not trust me?â Â
âYou are such a piece of shit,â you grit out. âI donât know what I was thinking. Ever. I donât know how I let this go on for so long.â You donât like him having Kai in his mouth, donât like him trying to act like youâre conflating things, and especially donât like that face heâs making. As if youâre acting crazy and overblown. âNo, I donât trust you. You didnât fuck her, but come on, Yeonjun. Seriously? You think Iâm stupid, and Iâm sick of it. You thought this would be easy because I didnât have the experience you have, but Iâm sorry. I donât like being walked over.âÂ
âIf youâre gonna be so goddamn jealous, then maybe we arenât gonna work,â he says.Â
That moth, floating light in the air, is right back in his face. Yeonjun takes two hands and smashes it between a clap of his hands. He shakes its flattened, broken body off his hand. Looking down at it laying there on top of dirt-caked concrete, you get this... feeling. A tickling around your person. Â
âSee if I care,â you snap, throat aching against the onslaught of emotion and held back tears. Â
ââÂ
Rivulets of raindrops dilute the tears on your cheeks. Your hair plasters to your face and your clothes to your body. Â
For a week, youâd went about it all as if it hadnât happened. And then you came here. Â
Itâd not been this rainy when you first got down to the creekâjust a gentle trickle, really. You hadnât been crying then, either. But, watching the water work at babbling over stone, you let yourself feel it. Here, where youâd had so many good memories. Youâve gone and tainted it, now. But for whatever reason, youâd just wanted to be here. Arms curled around yourself and fingers digging into drenched sleeves, you donât wipe away the tears or cover the sounds of your crying. You let the stream hear it; itâll sweep it right up and down the way. Somewhere far off, where you donât have to feel it anymore.Â
You realize that, usually, youâd be over at Kaiâs right now. The fact that his room was not the first place you thought you could go to anymore is a punch to the gut. You drop your face into your hands and cry harder. Really, youâve got to stop doing that to yourself. Thinking of sad thingsâputting your hurt under the microscope to see it closer. Itâd be easier to just fold it up and tell yourself that itâll pass, and that relationships end all the time.Â
Itâs not him that you cry over. Well, maybe some of it is. Rather, itâs that you have absolutely no idea where youâre going. Where you are. Finally, youâd built yourself a raft to get off the shore and go out to sea, because thatâs what youâre supposed to do, and itâs breaking apart right beneath you. And, stranded and alone in the water, youâve got no way to get back to shore to build yourself another raft. Youâre stranded, and the scariest bit is that youâre doing it all alone. You werenât supposed to do this alone. You two made promises back then.Â
You suppose that a promise is one of those things you were supposed to leave faith in back on shore.Â
The raindrops are heavy over you. The fall of it roars against the ground, a torrent downpour. Itâs not coupled with whipping wind or flashes of lightningâjust straight, still falling. Itâs a somber feeling no different from the gnawing in your chest.Â
Like chimes, thereâs a distant, gentle sound. Maybe water falling over creek rock, but itâs more like suggestion. A sweet sound that you shouldnât even be able to hear over the rest of it, itâs as if itâs right in your ear. A whisper. Â
You fix your blurry eyes with a wet sleeve. Rain falls right back into its place, but you see it: a silvery, whimsy haze. And the moths. They jump and call you, this time. Their glow bounces off the rainy mist against the grey of nightâs arrival. Then, all you can hear is the whispering. Where you stand frozen, your feet beg to move. To follow them.Â
So you do.Â
Their entourage of moondust trails them where they go, wrapping you up and weaving between raindrop and space. You donât worry where theyâll take you, or even try to wrap your head around this happening again. You just follow, mind glossed over and entranced with how beautiful it is. When youâd seen them before, itâd made you uneasy. Mostly because it looked so unearthly and unbelievable. But this time you just follow.Â
A far-off voice, one oh-so-familiar, peaks through the haze. Itâs not enough to stop you, but then you hear it again, louder and closer.Â
You blink a few times. Once to break away the fog, and then twice to focus your eyes on Kai stood in front of you. His hair lays in wet spikes over his eyes and beads of rain trace the planes of his face. Heâs as soaked as you.Â
âKai?â you say. Looking around you, youâve ended up somewhere in the field between your houses and the creek. But youâve got no recollection of walking here. Whatever that mist is, sentient or not, had swept you here. Â
His voice is strained, but you appreciate hearing it. âBreak up with him,â he tells you.Â
In his eyes, as you search them, thereâs stardust glowing like reflection. Your face twists up. âWhat?â you say, breath a puff of smoke ahead of you. Summer had come and gotten away from you so fast, and now itâs gone all cold again.Â
âBreak up with him,â he echos, face solemn. He looks ruffled.Â
âWhy?â you ask, âAnd why are you out here?âÂ
âBecause Iâm moving out today, and I think I deserve to at least see you before I go.â His eyes look over you. âAnd... your dad said you went down to the creek.âÂ
Heâs moving out today, and you had no idea. And really, itâs your fault. Youâd driven that wedge between the two of you. âI did break up with him.âÂ
Downpour fills his quiet for a few moments, his face swirling with emotion like the clouds above you. He nods. âGood.âÂ
There are a few more long minutes between you; just you two searching each other's faces, antsy to say so much that it bunches up in your chests and stalls. Itâs what a summer of longing does to you. Even with Yeonjun, even trying to slowly chip away the stitching that had connected the two of you at the hip, you were helpless to stop the gnawing of the love you bear for him. Even just seeing him now, you feel those threads mending back up. God, why does it have to be so hard?Â
He just looks at you. For a few beats, he just looks at you. There are so many questions in his eyes. They flit across and turn over, but all he settles on is, âWhy?âÂ
Thereâs so much you want to tell him. Words pile up to the top, some threatening to spill over. But you know that if you tell him some of it, just to make up for all the time youâd missed out on together, itâll all come crashing out. And you donât think you want him to know just how much you accepted, the way you let yourself get treated. So, you shake your head and say, âIt doesnât matter.âÂ
Kai looks like he wants to push that issue, but whatever look he finds on your face deters him. âCome with me,â he pleads. âI want you to come with me.âÂ
Your throat tightens. Curling your arms around yourself harder, the rain only coming down on you harder, you say, âKai, I want to. I want to. I just... I donât want to freeload off you, because youâre doing great things, and Iâm just...â Your tongue darts out to wet your lips, but theyâre already as soaked as the rest of you. âIâm just going nowhere. And I donât want to be a burden, or ever be the reason that you canât do what you dream of. If staying here means that you become everything that youâre destined to do, then Iâm happy with that, Kai. I am.âÂ
He shakes his head, stumbling toward you. âNo, no you donât get it,â he says, frantically taking your shoulders into big hands. Under his touch, every taut muscle goes slack. You melt. âYou donât get it. You are the music. Every single song is about you. Every single fucking song is about you. I want you to come with me, please. I love you, I have always loved you, and I will always love you, and I thought youâd loved me too, and I donât want to do this alone. I canât do it alone.âÂ
He loves you. Kai loves you. The enormity of it rumbles the ground where you stand on legs you fear might just give in. You flex your fingers to combat the tears pricking your eyes. It doesnât work; they brim and well up, spilling down over your cheeks. âWhat?â you say, voice softly breaking. âKai, I didnât...âÂ
âAnd just when I thought I finally had you, you left me,â he says, throwing a hand up beside him in a big gesture. âYou left me! I woke up thinking youâd be there, and that maybe you loved me too, and you had left me. And then you threw me away for some piece of shit, and you stopped coming around.â His chest heaves for breaths.Â
Your face contorts. That night, the one where you two had slipped up, youâd fallen asleep curled up against his chest on undiluted contentment. When you woke up, you had panicked. You thought heâd wake up and pretend it hadnât happened, or heâd be uncomfortable, or even be disgusted and regretting. You couldnât handle that, so you slipped out before he woke up. Itâd been an attempt to protect your tender heart, but looking at the twitching of his lip now, you begin to think itâs the most selfish thing youâve ever done. He thinks you used him and left him. Your stomach twists. Voice thick, you say, âIâm sorry. Iâm sorry I left you, Kai. I thought you didnât... I thought you didnât see me that way. I was scared. Iâm sorry I hurt you.âÂ
Brows knitted together, he says, âThought I didnât love you?â His hand cups your cheek, warm against the soft frozen skin he finds there. âIâve... Iâve dreamed of you almost every night of my life. In my sleep, I see you, and youâre happy and glowing, and that damn... mist is all around you. I couldnât get away from you even in my sleep.âÂ
Darting between his eyes, soft and reflecting your face back to you, itâs hard to breathe. Kaiâs dreamt of you; heâs as sickly in love with you as you are him. Thunder claps, and the ground shakes, and the heavens open up above you, the trumpets belt, and you two are in love. Somewhere deep in your center, you feel itâyour soul nodding yes.Â
The mist. You know exactly what heâs talking about. âI saw it. That stuff, those moths. The stuff we saw back then.âÂ
âI did too,â he says, wet spikes of hair bouncing with a nod. âNot that long ago. It was the first time I saw it out of a dream since that day.âÂ
Back then, you two had only budding, innocent love for each other. Things hadnât become mangled and lost to confused hearts or expectations. When theyâd appeared to you, you hadnât needed it. This time, youâd followed it. And it had led you hereâsomehow had led you right to the very spot you needed to so that every last piece might fall into place. For this moment to happen. You know why it did.Â
âIâll go with you, Kai. Iâll go wherever you go; I love you. Iâve loved you since forever,â you say, each and every word massive and lovely on your tongue. âIâm sorry I didnât say it earlier.âÂ
So unlike the last times your mouth had met, he brings his mouth to yours with a dazzling clarity. No longer is it confused kisses; he locks his lips against yours with the urgency of so many years being unable to. Kaiâs hands cradle your wet cheeks, hold you so tenderly into his kiss. His touch grounds you, makes the moment real. You melt into himâyour fingers curled into his shirt as if holding him there so that he wonât disappear like something of an incorporeal dream. He sighs through his nose, kissing you harder. Even if it all were fake and this was nothing more than a feverish figment of your imagination, you think you could die happy just knowing this once.Â
But it is utterly real, and utterly yours. You kiss him harder, too.Â
When your lungs start to burn and plead for breath, you two pull away from each other. Your eyes flutter open to capture his. Warm and brown and the same ones youâve stared into so many times before, but not like this, you sink into them. He runs his thumb over your cheek as he sinks into yours. His tongue darts out to lick lips painted with you. In the inches between you, space no longer feels heavy or charged with grievances. Every last unsaid thing had been answered.Â
âI have my stuff up in the truck,â he says, breaths soft. Brown eyes dart around your face. âIâll help you add your stuff to it.âÂ
You shudder out a breath. Add your stuff to it. A nervous energy settles down over you, but it doesnât seem so bad if youâre doing it with him. Together. Â
âOkay,â you whisper, a balmy secret just like the ones you used to share in small, giggly voices so many years ago. âOkay.âÂ
ââÂ
Shivers seize you like jittering bones, all wrapped up in a blanket. The velour cushion seats beneath you have soaked up water and become damp, but Kaiâs got the heater blasting. You wind around back roads, headlights illuminating the way ahead of you. Stray droplets whip in them, but nothing much. Isnât it funny how the rain had just stopped like that? Thatâs just how the weather is, out here. You wonder how the weather might act wherever youâre headed.Â
Your teeth chatter as if your jaw had its own will. The two of you had the windows down thinking that the wind might dry you off, but all itâs done is lap at your bitten cheeks. You reach down for the handle to crank it up. Youâve got a long drive ahead of youâeither youâll eventually dry off, or you can pull off at a rest area to change in a bathroom. The wet clothes are really not helping.Â
With an arm up on the steering wheel, Kai turns his attention on you. You know that smile. âCold?â he asks, eyes darting between your face and the road. With the hand heâs not got working the steering wheel, he runs fingers over your thigh. Soft, gentle massages, yes. The number it does on your core is absurd. Each mindless digging into your thighs and brush of his thumb, sparks sputter there. Youâve sat here, right in his passenger seat, so many times before. Day trips up to the lake, the one heâd joined your family camping at for so many summers, all the times heâd driven you to school in this truck, and even just a quick run down to a convenience store for a late-night snack. Youâd deemed it your seat. But never once had you sat in it like this. Your heart does a flip. All those times youâd wish heâd reach over and do just thisâa small gesture that wouldâve been so big then. And itâs your reality, now. Â
âFreezing,â you say. A brush of his fingers nearer the apex of your thighs sends you pressing them together and shifting in your seat. âBut not everybody runs as hot as you, though, so.âÂ
His eyes catch the movement in just the split second he looked over to you. âHuh,â he says. He turns to look at you, his gaze flickering with something anew. Something that youâd only ever seen once before. âIs that it?âÂ
Itâs hard to swallow. His fingers brush higher, and higher, feather-dustings of calloused fingertips that sends tingles shooting up your spine at the slightest suggestion of where heâs headed. âYes,â you say, feigning indignance to cover the shiver that threatens to overtake you. When his fingertips dance at the waistband of your bottoms, it does so anyway. âKai,â you say, blood hot in your veins. âYouâre...driving.âÂ
His eyebrows pinch into a taunting furrow. âI am,â he says, nodding. âDonât worry about it, baby. Iâve got us.âÂ
And he does; fingers slipping under the band of both your bottoms and your panties, he doesnât even tear his eyes off the road. Heâd driven these roads so much, you think he might be able to do it asleep. Even drawing a mewl from you with a brush over your clit, he doesnât look away more than a quick glimpse at your pinkened cheeks.Â
Two fingers dragging up your folds, right over the source of the mess. âYou get excited so easily, huh?â he hums. âYou like it when I play with you.âÂ
When he presses those fingers at your entrance, you canât help but be taken back to that night. It echoes and reverberates through you. Long fingers, strong and punctual brushes against the sweet spotâhe was criminally good with his fingers. Playing guitar did more for him than just music. He seemed to know exactly how to utilize those roughened fingers and trained flicks. Your muscles flicker as he abandons your hole for more brushes at your bud. Â
Those teasing, sly touches turn to something more serious. His fingers roll over your clit, slow but enough to have you sighing and rolling your hips against the seat belt. But last time had gone just like this, him touching you and receiving nothing. He should feel good, too. âShouldnât you pull over?â you sigh, muscles taut. Your breaths come out shuddering and half-controlled, interrupted by the tightness that each delicious swirl provokes. The door takes the brunt of your grip, white-knuckling the interior.Â
He laughs, a husky sound that is tinder to fire. He knows what you mean. âMaybe,â he says. âBut I think Iâm enjoying this plenty. I think I want to see you cum on my fingers again.âÂ
Fingers pinching and flicking faster, you grow breathy and whiny, hips rolling against the seatbelt and back into the seat. Your muscles, all the way down your thighs and deep in your belly, jump and twitch each time his fingers run over your clit in just the right spotâthat tender spot thatâs so good that it teeters on overwhelming. The kind that makes you hiss and then want more. âShit, Kai,â you whine. âRightâthere, keep going." Â
He doesnât answer with any teasing words. No, he just doubles down right at that angle and pressure, leaned back into his seat and driving as if he wasnât fingers-deep in your panties right now. His sculpted profile at total easeâit does something for you. A delicious tightness curls its fingers over your center, promising a sugary ecstasy that you canât help but chase. Bucking into his hands as best you can, you go quiet. Right thereâright there, you feel it. The cusp. Your fingers brush over it, clenching around nothing and squeezing your thighs tight around him. Every last drop of blood in your body reaches for it, singing and dancing through your veins and making you dizzy.Â
And then he stops. Your mouth drops open, whiplashed and helpless to its slipping away from you. You whittle your gaze into something sharp and turn to him. âWhatâwhy?â you complain. The tide slips further and further and further back, but you still taste sea salt on your tongue. Frustration sets in its place as you feel it go. Seriously, youâd been right there. âYouâre so mean.âÂ
He slows and then with the clicking of the turn signal, heâs off the road and pulling the truck into park on a little secluded side road. Where the headlights pierce the pitch black, nothing but gravel and field surrounds you. He doesnât kill the engine, instead pulling his hand free from you.Â
Your heart, still stuttering with your lost orgasm, kicks back to life as he smears your slick over your mouth, dragging it over your lips and then taking his thumb to run it right over the plush of your mouth. âAm I?â he says, fingers taking your chin to meet your eyes with his. Endless hunger, pupils so blown that his eyes look black, pins you. âI donât think youâve seen mean yet, baby.âÂ
Darting your tongue out to clean your lips, you look at him through your eyelashes. âShow it to me, then.âÂ
Something dark passes over his face. It has your skeleton jumping out of your body. Then, he says, âIs that what you want? You want mean?âÂ
Brain gone to mush that can only really think about him touching you, a slow nod is all you can manage.Â
The engineâs hum prevails for some long, thick seconds. And then, he tilts his head in a gesture. âGet in the back.âÂ
Holy shit. You want to sit there frozen in an overwhelming sort of excitement, but his seatbelt clicks undone and youâre set into motion. In a flurry of giggles and clumsy limbs, you climb up over the center console and into the backseat. He slips out of the front seat, not bothering to even kill the engine.Â
The door beside you opens in a swirl of cold wind. In nothing more than a blink, a strong hand has both your wrists pinned to the cushions and your back flush against it. Nose-to-nose, his breath hot over your face. âIâve got plenty of ideas as to how I can warm you up.âÂ
You appreciate each otherâs faces for a beat more, you looking up at him big-eyed and waiting. Kai breaks the moment to attack your neck in a procession of bites and kisses. Your mouth falls into a silent sound.Â
âYou know,â he says, free hand working your pants off. His eyes are trained on you, though. âI thought about doing this to you all summer. Touching you again.â He moves on to your top, pushing the fabric up until your chest is freed, clad in soft cotton. He eats the sight up. You want to reach down and cup the back of his head or feel his hair between your fingers as he presses his mouth against the soft beginning of your cleavage, but heâs got your wrists firmly planted. So much so, that you wonder exactly how heâs got you so secure with just one hand. Kai is strong, but maybe you hadnât seen just how strong. Your skin aches under the purple bites he decorates you in. The sight of himâface in your chest and marking you up so lazilyâhas your teeth abusing your bottom lip. Whatever sounds you might make otherwise would be embarrassing. Kai lifts his eyes to you. âAnd I think you thought of me, too. Didnât you?âÂ
âOh, god, yes,â you say, writhing beneath him. Heâs going so slow. You want him all over you. âSo much.âÂ
He likes that. He takes your pebbled nipple into his mouth through the fabric. Soft grazes of teeth and sucks, youâre burning all over. When he pulls back, heâs left you dark wet patches when the bra had only just dried against your body heat. âGood,â he rasps, taking his big hands demanding and hungry over your torso. They swallow your frame up, soothing skin but lighting it aflame all the same. âGood girl.âÂ
You never thought just words could unravel you, but those did the job. Not a gasp, nor a sucking in of breathâno, you go silent and brainless, fumbling for rational thought.Â
The dropping of your jaw has Kai delighted. âYouâre so pretty,â he says. In a swift and powerful hoist, heâs tugging you down the cushions toward him with greedy fingers. Heâs got your thighs pressed up to your chest. Youâre bent right in half.Â
Out of breath, you huff out, âYou too.âÂ
A quick laugh falls from his mouth, lips pulled into a smug tilt. He nips at your calf up by his face. âSo sweet, it almost makes me feel bad for what Iâm about to do to you.â Reaching down for your panties, he pulls back on the suffocating press for only enough time to drag them up your legs. Those get discarded somewhere on the floor. Who cares about that right now, though? All you can register is the metallic clinking of his belt being undone. Itâs got your nervous system twisting up.Â
And, those words. Electricity shoots bolts of pure, sizzling revery into your core. What Iâm about to do to you. You imagine a great deal of things that he might mean, but still, you think that none could hold a candle against the promise his voice held in saying it.Â
Kai presses his body to your thighs and hooks your calves over his shoulders, and it all becomes real. The press of his heavy cock to your folds, the digging of his fingers into your outer thighs, his pretty eyes sparkling with something feral. As real as it getsâmore real than anything youâve ever felt in the entirety of your life. Your hands find perch flattened to his broad chest.Â
The position leaving you two no option but to look right into each other, he holds your gaze and begins slow drags of his hot length up and down your slit. Tantalizing, awful, awful drags. When his tip nudges your eager clit, you jolt. And then he does it again. And again.Â
âKai,â you mewl. A press against your hole has you hopeful, and he lingers there for a moment, but doesnât give it to you. Canât he just fuck you? Youâve never been more pitifully in need of something in your life.Â
âShh.â His ruts get more daring, smearing your slick up onto your belly. âTake it.âÂ
You wiggle your toes in the air and make passes at arching yourself into him in search of better friction. Heâs got you pressed so suffocatingly into the seat that it does absolutely nothing for you. In fact, he holds your harder and changes tack so that your thighs press together. At the very apex of them, his weeping cock slips through the seam.Â
Pressing his cheek into your calf, he watches you. Every gasp and shaky inhale, he watches. It spurs his rutting on, sticky sounds and pants eating up the air. Your nails claw at his hands as, finally, a knot tightens in your core.Â
âYes, please,â you breathe. He fucks your thighs harder. Faster. Every nudge at your clit and hole becomes euphoric. ���Kai, babyâIâm gonnaââÂ
Just as furiously easy as last time, he rips it all away from you. The rushing away of the buzzing and promise of shaking thighsâhe takes it from you again. It brings prickling tears to your eyes. âKai?â you hiss. âAgain?âÂ
His eyes arenât playful. He pulls your calves back over his shoulders, handling your hips into a better position to press his cock right at your entrance as if you weigh nothing. Face utterly straight, he says, âI donât think you deserve it, do you? Not after what you did with Yeonjun.âÂ
A swallow goes down your throat hard. He presses himself just a bit harder into you. Not in yet, but right there.Â
When he does begin sliding in, the stretch of it... You cling to him and squirm between him and the warm cushions behind you. Each inch is a heady feeling, all the way up to the hilt of him. He shudders a controlled breath. âYouâre so fucking tight, though,â he grits out. âDid he not fuck you right?âÂ
Slaps of skin bounce off the car interior and between your bodies. He starts off at a brutal pace; you know itâs meant to make your brain go foggy. Squeezing your eyes closed, you manage, âI... didnât fuck him.â It comes out strangled, voice bouncing as he fucks you into the car seat.Â
Thumb tugging your bottom lip down and then dipping into your mouth, he watches the show of your ecstasy down to every last detail. âYeah?â he says, voice shaking and almost desperate. âAlways thinking of me, huh? Such a good little princess. You know exactly where your heart belongs.â Â
You want to answer him, even just with a whine or moan. You try to. But with his thumb pressing down on your tongue, enough to pin it to the floor of your mouth, itâs not gonna happen. He tastes salty in your mouth.Â
His truck consists of his grunts and whines, and your taut groans for some moments that seem to stretch forever. The planes of his groin grind against your clit when he delivers occasional pointed rolls, but mostly itâs just an animalistic, feverish dancing of your two sweaty bodies, holds growing more frantic the closer you get. Â
Thumb wet with saliva; he frees your mouth. The hand trails slowly down your face and your chin, brushing feather touches, until he finds your neck.Â
Your eyes fly open, wide. He pressed his fingers into your neckâno real pressure yet, he looks at you through damp strands of dangling hair and says, âWant my fingers around your neck?â His thumb brushes over the buzzing pulse point there.Â
âYes,â you grit out, body bouncing and back raw with friction against the coarse cushionâs surface. Your breath stutters, your mind stutters. Even your blinks stutter, eyelids too lazy to keep up. âPlease.âÂ
The pressure of his fingers thereâit frightens you and has you tightening around him at the same time. But you would trust nobody more with your life than Kai.Â
He presses his cheek to your calf to indulge in the sight of you like this: underneath him, folded in two, nowhere to go but to take his pistoning hips, cheeks blazing, and his fingers pressed into your windpipe. If the way he becomes sloppier and more desperate in his tempo has anything to say for it, it does something for him.Â
âGonna be my pretty little girlfriend, huh?â he says. His voice is tightâso is your belly. Youâre both so close. Hopefully, this time heâll let you cum. âTake you to every show; show you off to everybody. Fuck.âÂ
Brain like static and swimming with a pinched flow of oxygen, you slur your words. âYouâreâhahâgonna have other girls all over you.âÂ
The taunting, split-second raise of his brows flips your belly. You tighten him again. If he keeps hitting that spot, tip ramming into the soft spot deep inside you that heâd taken such delicate care of finding last time, youâre going to burst into sparkling flame and firework. He growls, âWell, Iâll just have to knock you up so that they know Iâm yours, huh?âÂ
Holy shit. You like the sound of that. Your nails dig into his wrist around your neck, but you cry out a pitchy, âYes!âÂ
âOh, you like that?â Kai releases your throat to take both your hips. You gulp for air, finding nothing but the thick air of sex and humid breaths, at the opportunity. Heâs ramming into you like heâs found a purpose. âIsnât this the perfect position to do it? Get you pregnant?âÂ
With every last bit of brain power youâve got, teetering on the edge excruciatingly close to salvation, you groan a long, hoarse sound. âFuck, yes! Please, Kai, insideââ A hot trail of tears roll down your temples.Â
Itâs all heâs got to hear to still inside you. His growl rumbles deep in his chest, holding you in place and filling you with his hot cum deep in your cunt. That feeling, coupled with his short grinds against your clit as he fucks his seed deeper, takes your soul by sinful claws and crumbles it down into nothing. You burst into a shaking, whimpering peak, sucking your lips into your mouth to bare through the sheer twisting of your insides and the flame that consumes up your thighs and cunt.Â
He falls on you heavy, face in your neck. Warm kisses against your clammy skin meld with your slow floating down, the two of you a beautiful, nasty picture of fucked out. He stays right inside youâthe absolute stillness of him, you think he has no plans of pulling out any time soon. His long fingers card through your sweaty locks of hair.Â
Finally, he presses himself off you. You get a glimpse of the window behind himâfogged up and filthy with your affairs. Anybody to see the truck from the outside would know exactly what went on inside, but right now, you donât care. Not one bit. Your panted breaths drag in nothing but musk and thick, hot air. The drumbeat in your chest tells you that, despite how you feel ripped straight from your body, you are very much still alive. More alive than ever.Â
âWarm?â he says, pushing sticky hair off his forehead. Heâs a mess, too. His hair is ruffled with your touch, his clothes rumpled the same, beads of sweat rolling down the planes of his cheeks and neck, and his eyes a lazy smolder. As much as he looks like sex personified, a soft smile twitches at his lips.Â
You snort. You canât help but feel giddy, here with him. Youâre with him. Nothing has ever felt more right. Unplugged when he pulls out of you, your mess trickles down onto the seat below you. âYeah,â you say. âVery.âÂ
Warm is not enough to begin to describe how you feel. In your ears, you hear whisperings. Soft and gentle. Perhaps it was divine intervention, or the fates lending you their word, or maybe just rational thought. It says:Â
Home. You are home.Â
âŕ ashlynn's note how do we feel about this pair? i really didn't mean for this to get so long, but i ended up RLLY liking their chemistry. i had to do their story justice. also, i finished this with kai as a guitarist and then his drummer performance came out... hmm.
ďšđˇď¸ ďš@lvrs-street2mmorrow , @soohashits , @f4iryfever , @arcturus444 , @linqed , @serenityism00 , @immelissaaa , @luv4cheol , @lickingan0rchid , @20-cms , @hhoneylix , @beestvng , @hyucktapes , @bewitchless , @prince-jjae , @blankliving , @yaoizee , @stormy1408 , @missychief1404 , if your tag isn't working, check the mentions part of your settings!
#[ ๨ৠ] 𼌠kipoâs favorites .á#[ ⊠] 𼌠kipoâs fic recs .á#[ 𦹠] 𼌠hueningkai .á#ribs playing as i finish this⌠the playlist for this is goated#THIS WAS SOOOO FUCKING GOOD HELLO???? immediately added to my all time favorites#kai in this is sooOoooOOOO RAHHHHHHHđŚ
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#and FUCK yeonjunâźď¸âźď¸#the parallels with the months and kai being all like âitâs just a mothâ and yeonjun straight up killing it#i genuinely could talk about this fic for forever#I LOVE WHEN THEYRE JEALOUS AND POSSESSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!! itâs gonna hit for me everytime and this HITTTT#i dream of your writing style i need to be inside your brain like youâre so insanely talented i NEED some of that water youâre drinking#i love how he got her to go with him and tried his hardest to show her that life is more than the town they grew up in.. that hit CLOSE#genuinely starting crying actually#and the scott street started playing as they confessed to each other and i SOBBED and THEN more than this started playing#i love the moth aspect so much like theyâre truly soulmates tied together⌠nothing is gonna keep them apart not even themselves#THE ENDING WITH THEM IN THE BACKSEATTTTTTT#i (s)creamed like me next me next i need kai so bad especially during that scene he is so fucking hot#genuinely one of the best fics iâve ever read like iâm trying not to have the tags and reblog be all long but i have THOUGHTS and FEELINGS#i WILL be rereading this over and over and over and over!! like genuinely this fic means everything to me i really needed it#the gentle and soft moments of them at the creek picking berries and the moths floating around them#they were ALWAYS meant to be and the moth yeonjun smashed just proves it like#âevery song is about youâ I LITERALLY SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGSSSS LIKE!!!!!!! one of my favorite tropes ever it hits like crack fr#i fucking love this so much and iâm stealing all of the song out of the playlist too#i gotta reread it again so i can catch all the little details now that i have the full story#hueningkai x reader#hueningkai smut#hueningkai angst#txt x reader#txt smut#txt angst
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Soooooo, my take on this MF incoming Myth cause I need to empty my mind.
This is just my sick mind rumbling soooo...
Clearly we know MC was sent to kill him (cause dragons bad I guess ?) and upon realizing he looks like a (very hot) man she plots to seduce him to lower his guard and maybe stab him easely...
Joke's on her, she falls for him too (cause not only is he hot, he is smart, and sweet, and funny...) and they make promises of eternal love, staying together and having lots of little dragons đĽ°
She goes back to who sent her, informing them Sylus won't be a problem anymore and they just want to be left alone...BAM some fucking spell (I mean, we have merfolks and now dragons soooo why not magic ?) turns her into a puppet, sending her back to Sylus to get rid of him (which would explain the voices urging her to kill him).
Imagine him seeing her come back with the happiest smile ever, ready to spend eternity with her only to realize something is off.
Begging her to snap out of it without even fighting back as she attacks him cause he doesn't want to hurt her.
She can totally SEE HERSELF stabbing him without being able to stop while he tells her "It's alright" in the sweetest voice ever.
That's all, please keep your therapy bills so we can send a package to Infold đĽ˛
#l&ds sylus#lnds sylus#love and deepspace sylus#lads sylus#love and deespace#love and deespace angst#love and deespace theory#i'm not okay
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nate fickâŚsave meâŚsave me nate fick..
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it must get boring as hell doing continuous repetitive genos like dust does. he probably constantly questions how his human can keep on going and like not get bored (me too tho ngl because what type of person is out there that's trying to minmax every single undertale geno route interaction???) so i say he changes things up during his own process for a variety of reasons
sometimes when he's feeling REALLY apathetic he might just view everyone as stats and precoded scripts and lines and he just goes about the geno as if he was a player playing a video game (this is incredibly hypocritical because he's acting like the player but also this is dust sans we're talking about. pinnacle of hypocrisy. he'd deny any sort of human like actions because he's not the human and what he's doing is for the greater good). also its kinda fucked because it just means that there's been so many resets that he doesn't view his friends and family as simply people that he's taking the lives of but more as just npcs and numbers. but yk of course he moves on from that episode (and refuses to acknowledge the fact that he was acting very much so like the human. nope nope nope)
or maybe whenever he feels really really really shitty about himself he just lets the human kill him sometimes. he purposely interacts with other monsters before he kills them so he has to hear them beg for mercy. he just lets himself wallow in as much guilt and pain and misery as possible because its really really addicting to be sad and upset and feel bad. and dust is never like "hey i should stop doing this because its getting in the way of be killing the human" because he knows damn well it ISNT. he's still gonna be on that him vs. human grind no matter what even if he spends a few resets fucking around and being miserable and the humans always gonna reset anyways. ALWAYS
even if he's not at lvl 20 or something but still above the human in lv then maybe he'd kill them. but then that also means that there'd still be some monsters left because he nor the human maxed out their stats. so then that's just more suffering for dust (because i really think he'd like to make himself suffer because he feels so much guilt for what he did. his suffering is self inflicted and he knows that and still does it. good for him) because he has to walk around the underground knowing that there are some people hiding in corner or something watching him and scared that he's gonna kill them because thats what he did to everyone else. some nicer monsters might go up to him and try to talk to him but dust doesn't have the chill welcoming friendly vibe sans does anymore so it's just creepy and awkward. angrier monsters might try and yell or fight him and dust just sits there and takes it because theyr totally right. to them it might just look like he killed monsters just for shits and giggles one day and theres no way for him to explain the resets without people just forgetting it in the first place so theres not much he can do except accept the suffering. what in the mental masochism
#i'm in love with dust sans did i mention this. did i forget to tell you. well im telling you now#I LOVS DUST!!!! I LOVE YOH DUST SANS I LOVE YIU!!!! I LOVE HIM!!!!!!! he's soooo fucking awesomerahhhhggggg......#so real so real so real so real he's so me he's so me#dust deciding to stay in misery because being sad and upset is easier than having to put in effort to improve is so fucking real GOD#literally every post on my followed tags tab is all killer. all killer. all colorkiller. everything is killer#where the HELL is the dust content. horror content??? i am getting upset here where are the dust and horror posters#if nobody's gonna do it I WILL. i'm the hero that i need. the hero that nobody fucking wanted at all#listen i strive for an equal amount of mtt content if theyre not equal it makes me sad. so i will be the equalizer#horror post also upcoming soon be ready for that drop#i've been playing hi3 so much lately ehehehe. :3. i am in love with the story#god i love fandoms so much..... i love utmv i love hi3 i love uhhh im not in any others but GOD i love making cool content and creativity#dusttale human HAS to have the absolute most undertale brainrot for the game to fucking break and for sans to go rouge#HOW MANY GENOCIDE RUNS IS ENOUGH BEFORE YOU GIVE UP DUDE. CMON MAN YOURE HURTING DUST SANS HERE!!!!!#dust sans#murder time trio#bad sans gang#bad sanses#nightmare's gang#utmv#sans au#tricule rant#it's 3 am someone save my sleep schedule please please please#i ended up going to sleep at 5 am. kill me now. average murder time trio sleep time (they would have terrible sleep schedules)
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Paul George on Stephen A. Smithâs Kawhi Leonard jab: âI didnât like that moment⌠Kawhi wants to play⌠We exhausted a lot out of Kawhi this season. So at some point your body breaks you down⌠I didnât appreciate that moment. I know I laughed because the situation was lighthearted, but deep down it was like you gotta let that go, Stephen A.â
Paul George, knight in shining armor
#HE DOES . u know. defend his girlbosses#as a good malewife husband soes#but like... he'll defend them.. five days after the fact#like hes just zoned out during the actual time of necessary defense#thinking about what new gaming chair to buy for himself whilst squinting harshly#i think tauruses and caps get shoehorned into being hashtag Daddies hashtag when it comes to personalities#like yes theyre grounded but that also means they like to duck into their little safety hovels sometimes#if a taurus is in an uncomfortable place/position.. they will often just smile& think abt how much they miss their regular place of comfort#until the moment passes#'oh but theyre so stubborn and loyal! theyll stand up for anyone! all the time!' stubbornness can ironically flucuate#theyre still showing stubbornness! just to the fact that they wanna go home. and they need this moment to pass#and if they bring something up rn.. it will not pass rn#this kind of thinking does not always bode well with fire signs#as much as i love to bully paul .. seeing others do it just isnt the same.. it does not come from a place of love in the end !!#'hes always been a coward-- too afraid to step up and be the bad guy. do the dirty work' no girl hes just a bit stupid#hes literally excitedly told reporters that hes soooo hyped up to try and be the rebound passer guy today#and then one game later hes like 'yea i kinda did too much.. that was.. not good đ'#like he is doing the best in his mind! his doing bad is not out of bad intent! it's good intent and he is just failing miserably at it#LEAVE MY CRINGEFAIL MALEWIFE ALONE âźď¸âźď¸âźď¸#MY CANCELLED GIRLFAILURE !!#he just wants to be a trophy husband to a terrifying strange and unusual mystery of a man like isnt that why we wrote dracula#is this not why creepypasta self insert y/n imagines exist on wattpad ?#paul george is just a y/n living in a spiteful world#LMFAOOO#hes so stupid i want to kill him but no one else can kill him but me ok#pg13 years old
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I actually canât believe Yeong and Uk are really serving us the marriage of convenience, 2nd chance, Grumpy/sunshine, dark/light, amnesia, Disneyâs Tangled, T-Swiftsâs Love Story, fake pregnancy, star-crossed lovers trope. Like, all the top tier romance tropes goes to them.
God damn, AOS nation, we really won with them, huh?
#alchemy of souls#I feel bad for all those people who said they werenât going to watch s2 because of *reasons.#they missing out BIG TIME frfr#Theyâre serving us the best tropes and just expect us to just watch??? đđđ¤§đ#Yeong is literally Ukâs baby omg đĽşđ#When he finally realizes itâs her#I need him to be on his KNEES#The amount of angst this season is giving is hurting soo bad#but it feels soooo good đđ¤§#donât forget the âtouch her and iâll KILL youâ trope swooooon đđđđĽ°#i crossed out the âamnesiaâ trope bc itâs debatable whether or not itâs a beloved trope đđ¤ˇđ˝ââď¸#kdrama#alchemy of souls: light and shadow#alchemy of souls s2#naksu#jang uk#cho yeong#Proof that they are the best ship to exist in kdramaland#Hong sisters better watch their backs if they arenât endgame đ#Letâs start 2023 with a BANG!
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Okay so that AU based on Plex History stuff and the song the Horse and the Infant from Epic the Musical?
It's a medieval fantasy style AU, with magic, gods, kingdoms, and fucked monarchies. Bonnie is the prince of a kingdom who becomes friends with Roxy, a wolf from a northern town in the middle of nowhere. He and his father are considered very close to the gods and have been visited and guided by them many a time before. Meanwhile, Roxy was found nearly dead on a riverbank when she was a very small puppy and was adopted by Music Man. She was raised like her siblings (the Minis) by Music Man and the local community, is the best horse racer in the Northern regions and has nothing to do with the known gods ever outside of her regular education.
They meet at Roxy's first horse race in the South that just so happens to be in Bonnie's kingdom and the one he's also competing in. While all the other competitors recognise Bonnie either by name or face, Roxy doesn't have a god damn clue who this guy is and that throws Bonnie so off guard that they end up being friends.
However, since winning the race, Roxy has started to be visited in her dreams by a green, rabbit-looking god. He tells her very little she understands and honestly she doesn't care about this guy at all or what this "destiny" bullshit he keeps going on about is. Bonnie on the other hand, is receiving a few vague warnings not to trust his new friend, but don't exactly tell him why so he's not really sure what to make of it. But... well his father has been acting a bit weird lately... like he's afraid of something, almost seeming paranoid about some sort of attack on the kingdom... Weird...
So anyway, he hangs out with Roxy some more! I'm not sure how to approach the next part of the plot as there's a lot of options here, but basically, he goes on a trip with Roxy and their mutual friends to a kingdom his father defeated when he was little. They also find out what kind of atrocities he and his men committed there and what the fuck that has to do with Roxy, which, if you know the song I'm talking about you can probably make a pretty good guess where I'm going with this. Oh and also the place is crazy haunted and the ghosts all have it out for Bonnie specifically.
For those that don't know the song, the gods (Glitchtrap/Afton/Whoever) pressured and manipulated Bonnie's father into killing the baby of the royals he'd just killed in war. Except in this case, they didn't check the baby puppy was actually fucking dead before they moved on and forgot about her... until she showed up again in the kingdom they like fucking with the most. And makes friends with her would-be murderer's son with seemingly absolutely no knowledge of any of this shit.
But uhhh yeah this is basically a story about gods playing dolls with mortals and the consequences that has on them. And Old Man Consequences is there. He gets to be very cool here.
#he's over there laughing his god damn ass off as roxy flips glitchgod off for the third time this week#it's what he deserves I think#anyway! this is the AU cooking in my brain right now! almost everyone is in this in some way shape or form and it's very fun!#fnaf security breach#also this was a bitch to write summary posts of your own AUs are a pain in the ass to make#the thing with the song is that he's literally begging the gods not to make him kill this baby#and he's trying to come up with ways to avoid his fate of dying by their hand when he says he'll make sure his past is never known#the gods then respond with 'the gods will make it known' which literally just tells him they're creating this entire situation#like yeah sure you're REALLY looking out for the king here by making him kill this kid and saying if he lets the kid live then you'll just-#make sure they kill him. yeah that seems reasonable.#and yes this is based on some plex history stuff that I can elaborate on if so desired. same with this au honestly#it's a fun one for sure I love it#the king is like 'i need to finish the job' while simultaneously being so offended by Roxy's mere existence in the first place#just doesn't do what he expects her to do with her idea of revenge being different to his and he's just#so fucking offended#what do you MEAN he's not WORTH it??? He's the KING????? exCUSE me?!!#this is highly entertaining to roxy btw. comes at her with murderous intent and she's just like 'lmao you wanna kill me soooo bad'#'you wanna kill me soooo bad it makes you look stupid'#and she's RIGHT he KNOWS he looks stupid but god DAMN it#anyway that's enough tag spamming here is your explanation of that AU okay post over#I need a name for this au though hmmm#consequence of the gods au#hows that? seems pretty dramatic ngl but it'll do for now
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i understand the need to make halloween costumes slutty but only when it applies to dressing as the cenobites from hellraiser. itâs just warranted
#horror#i want to make a pinhead look soooo bad#literally just went to the bathroom and the nightlight cast light upon my face and it completely erased my thin eyebrows#and with my hair and my sunken eyes all i could think at this fresh hour of four in the morning was damn i would kill it as pinhead#i need to dress up as him this year. so bad#q dicit
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OK OK sorry sorry ill stop hulk posting now. im going to bed
#ill actually try to reduce liveblogging stuff too i just got excited -_- wont let it happen again LOL#URGHHHHHH THOâŚ.. its soooo painful im literlaly the only hulk fan ever âŚ. (lying)#so funny i remember the exact moment i became obsessed last yr too#i was watching the first avengers and it was the line where banners like#âthe cell was just in case you needed to kill me but you CANT. i KNOW i TRIEDâ#âi got low and i didnt see an end so i put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it outâ#likeâŚ.. jaw drop.#that entire scene is so crazy good btw. the dramaaaa#it hurts soooo fucking bad seeing everyone try to like coddle banner acting like its bc they care#when rlly theyre just scared of him#OOHHGGGGHG. shout out to the incredible hulk and avenegers assemble fro being the litwrally only two good hulk films#i kinda hate what the mcu has become but at the start it rlly was crazy cool
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No one else talks about it but the guy who copyrighted the term "yooperlite" is the shittiest guy ever and hes at EVERY SINGLE gem and mineral show in the great lakes area. And not to fucking mention he ended up JACKING UP the prices on Lake Superior sodalite and he ripped off the patent on another guys UV light! He's selling worse blacklights for WAY more than most of the other people on the market. Like absolute shit guy. If you want to sell LAKE SUPERIOR SODALITE you can't sell it as YOOPERLITE because the name is copywritten. ALSO LIKE FUCK HIM FOR REAL!!!
#not to mention becuase its SOOOO easy to find ppl dont even agate hunt anymore.#if you go to any public shorelines for Lake Superior you'll see like twenty other groups looking for sodalite#the beaches are totally picked clean#i used to be able to find a few decent peices of sodalite a night when i visited but the last time i looked i had to get like#knee deep in the water to even find ANY#god i fucking hate that guy so much#i need something bad to happen to him so people can call it Yooperlite again#like fuck you for real for copywriting the name of a rock#like actually kill yourself im so serious. hes the bane of every single gem and mineral show i go to#anyways#sorry ive had thag on my.chest for months i needed to get it out there#fuck that guy fr#personal#sorry to geology post on you guys at 11pm
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yeah yeah always talking abt roseway and fallbrook arcs. we never talk about the fucking rage that comes out of her when dropping in byzantium btw
#shoots hortense between the eyes. shoots tilda in the knee.#we already know what she does to become sublight vp but there's a more complicated thought process there that haunts her#love maverick johnston tho he's always gassing up how hot max is#okay but I can't wait to get to fallbrook okay OKAY#that's THE PLACE#also kills me every time faith stops max from beating the piss out of reggie#just to go and punch nelson in the eye TWICE#I love my little hypocrite#y'all need to understand she has her own history with anger and violence#which makes her dynamic with max so much funnier and interesting#bc they're constantly trying to keep the other from doing something they'd regret#while simultaneously being like đ at each other#rambling#*sobbing into my hands* I want the planned intervention perk so bad it's literally so sexy of him to behave like that#(yes I know tilda it PoG dlc but it's still byzantium soooo)#(is*)
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i feel like naelia and neloth always had some weird sense of respect for each other. like in the beginning she respected him based upon his skill in magic despite being a completely insufferable politician. however she had the sense to lay down the boundary of âif you treat me like a stupid child im taking the next ship back to skyrim and you can deal with this miraak businessâ. and it mustâve worked bc the old bastard adopted her
#im thinking soooo much about them#the fact sheâs comfortable calling him on his shit and so stubbornly unyielding on her principles#ended up being endearing? idk it went from âthis outlander is useful to meâ to âi will kill everyone in this room if something bad happensâ#idk i took some pain meds so i can be a little bit better and honestly i need to go to bed#oc: naelia
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He nearly made me miss iftar
#the mandalorian#moff gideon#the mandalorian spoilers#i checked the time it was 5.20. i go okay let me blog about moff gideon#next thing i knew. 7.20. iftar in 2 minutes#i was SCRAMBLING#asshole owes me compensation. he owes me an iftar. we can call it a date-#(i need to kill him i need to kill him soooo bad)
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treated myself to the very short beginning section of three houses just now but i had to stop n turn off my switch when the game asked me to pick a house bc i started agonising over whether to go w edelgard first or just jump straight into the claude route
#x#fe posting#everyone and their momma says to leave verdant wind for last bc itâs the most satisfying to tie up all loose ends route#and to do azure moon or crimson flower first. bc they work better as one of the first routes#and i TOLD myself ok ok sure iâll do edelgard first then thatâs fine. i like her and a lot of the black eagle characters im sure itâll be#fun. but meeting claude in game and giggling n twirling my hair over everything he says is KILLING MEEEEEE i canât abandon him i canât IM#GONNA FEEL SOOOO BAD#heâs so charming crying real tears rn. i Know what i need to do but manâŚ. pain n suffering âŚ#i remember seeing a take somewhere once that said smth abt how claude gets so permanently shut out of the true potential of his goals on any#route that doesnât pick him bc he doesnât get the chance to really establish himself / figure out all the secrets of the game#and so heâs just narratively. barred/locked out from his dreams for good. and ever since i read that it makes me wanna crawl up n DIE when#i think abt it CLAUDE. CLAUDEEEEEEEEEEEE đđđđđđ#also just in general heâs SOO funny and quirky i love him so much he only said like maybe ten lines total but heâs literally such a riot#playing the game while knowing what his entire deal is is HILARIOUS heâs so fucking funny. and painfully tragic even from the get go. AUGH#one of his first things being calling himself the embodiment of distrust is so. itâs just so!!!!! like he WANTS u to know itâs all an act#EVERYONE knows it heâs not being subtle at all BUT THATS THE POINT!!!!! bc if everyone knows itâs an act that he plays around w then they#wont go snooping around as much!!!! AUGHHHHHHHHH !!!! CLAUDE !!!!#im going crazy i shouldnât have played this i need to finish my last assignment first. n then i can lose my mind over claude#OHHH also can i just say his + edelgards first interactions are SOOOOO funny theyâre so much fun. i love their little banter n back n forth#literally iconic showstopping no one can top them EVER#anyways. itâs almost 3am i need to sleep n write my essay tmrw lol
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like SORRY to be rick and morty posting but
#he didn't wanna do the dimension hopping but when he's forced to do it bc he needs to kill that bastard rick he becomes like. hooked up#like all ricks are bound to do probably#bc he does use it just for fun too. he does put his whole pussy into having fun after a while. which he deserves#anyway. even if it grows on him it's still lonely like he thought#and so he tries to get his best friend his beloved his right hand man his silly rabbit birdperson to join him in like. one of the maybe fiv#moments of weakness. or vulnerability in his life post-dianebethmurder#and gets rejected. which is fine and he doesn't even care btw#and he Continues to be relatively lonely & becomes an alcoholic thru all that citadel bullshit until eventually he finds morty#and now he has his little buddy to dimension hop with for better or worse#more or less intensely for good or bad reasons w good or bad intentions but heeee mortyyy he is soooo special#only rick in the land who loves his morty baybay and maybe he doesn't do it well at all but considering where the bar is#morty got real lucky i guess#like he goes on and on abt how morty sucks and he can replace him w whoever but DOES HE. does he ever#like go tf ahead buddy get a new one what are u still doing here. did you perhaps get attached to this morty. surely not#he doesn't even have the strength to replace morty w his other grandkid like. come on#the closest he ever gets to actually replacing him is when crows teach him the way of Being A Decent Person and as he always does when he#realizes he's terrible he removes himself from the family and leaves. w the crows. before crawling back like the sad grandpa that he is#oh nay
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once ir reached 3am im gna plsay ml
#everybody is half asleep every time i play matches on ml at that time and its fuking hilaruosu#even me too cuz the enemy cld be right in front of me and ill miss all of my skills like What (rlyl happened and i was embarrassed cuz that#was quite litrly a free kill)#uehm ill try playing tank ig (very Ew unless its esme my queen<3)#i have tigreals special skin but ugghugurhg i wanna play pretty girls!!!!#only dude im allowing myself to play is nolan n cyclops and THATS IT#my nolan skills have degraded terribly tho i used to be so good at him when he first realessed#but he started getting banned every match and overtime i just forgot how to use him</3#+ i prefer to play more sustain junglers now like esme cuz id rather last long in a clash than die w just 1 wrong move#thats why im esme's Biggest Fangirl Ever (real)<3333#but i fucking hate playig as the jungler so thats that ig#I MISS MY MARKSMAN ROOTS but at the same time playing mid is saur fun#i need to sharpen up my luo yi skills cuz i wan buy oracle of sol skin w the promo dias#actually idk how promo dias work#like can u buy any skin or will there be like options to choose from idk#but either way i want to buy oracle of sol soooo bad just bc it looks so pretty#halloween lylia is alr but..... oracle of sol fx...... :(#oh help im looking thru my heores rn and i literally forgot that i have novaria#why did i even buy her bro im so shit at aiming my skills (see: first few tags)#same way i want to play selena but i know that aiming my skills i sjust . not it for me HWKJFGH#ermmemrm for marksman i doubt ill be going back to being a mm main any time soon#and if i hav to play mm in a match ill pick ixia anyway butttt i rlly rlly wanna learn how to play karrie#cuz the pro karrie players i get matched w are literally so scary liek i Cannot farm properly . they alwys zone me out!!!!#and its scary cuz once i get out of my tower she'll fucking punish me for that and i die !!!#one day one day#oooh also beatrix i wanna learn but just looking at her plethora of guns has my eyes confused#so sadge but uhhh i also rlly kinda wanna play melissa but it just seems that shes rlly rlly squishy#like she just has that kill them before they kill u kind of strat and most of the time it works but#i literally get like 20 heart attacks when i see my hp drop below 50% and i usually fumble my skills after that hhaaha#uhm anwyay i think i rambled elong enough her
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