#(i know i shouldn't be making such sweeping generalizations but

[kiisuuumii]

i'm not gonna lie guys i don't think this love thing is ever gonna work out for me

[put-me-through-the-wall]

Imagine Retired!Price who has nothing to do in his new found free time

His team was finally able to convince him to put down the gun and rest. He's done more than enough for others.

But after years of constant movement and missions he isn't comfortable with sitting in one place.

He starts to go on long walk in the afternoon to fill his time

Mostly people watching or checking out the local businesses.

One night as chilly afternoon turns into a cold evening he finds himself wondering into retro diner all lit up by neon lights.

He finds a booth and takes a look around at the polished but dated looking restaurant.

it brought him a feeling of comfort he hadn't felt in a long time.

"Hello sir, can I get you a drink to start?" A sweet voice chirps

He turn to meet your sunny smile all dressed up in a baby pink button up dress, waist cinched with a mini apron. Hair pulled back with a matching bow.

"Hello..." John looks down to your name tag. "Bunny?"

"Oh" you laugh, "It's just a nickname. The old timers think it's cute"

"What does that say about me, then?"

"You don't look too old to me."

"Let me get a coffee, bunny"

From that point on John made sure to come by the diner every night.

Rain, sleet, or shine you could bet he would be there.

You weren't there every night of course but it thrilled him to think of the possibility of seeing you again.

Always greeting him with a, "Hey stranger" or "You come here often?"

Always dressed in that little faded pink dress.

Your conversation started to take up more of your shift as time went on.

Evolving from cordial to friendly and occasionally flirty.

"Bunny, what does your boyfriend think of you working all the time?"

"I don't have a boyfriend, John"

"Then what do you do all day when you're not here?"

"Waiting for you to ask me on a date"

Then you both laugh but John knows his time will come and he's a patient man.

He was always a generous tipper, even before the flirting

He loved to watch you run around the place, espically when it was busy.

You handled yourself well under pressure. Never letting a difficult customer get under your skin.

He love to way you look after a long shift with your hair slightly tousled with a pen or two stuck somewhere in your hair or behind your ear.

He'll stack his empty plates up nicely to make it easier for you to pick up.

Pushing them to the edge of the table signaling to you he was finished up.

He made sure they were steady too, especially so after one unlucky afternoon that had you sweeping up the shards of glass under his table with an embarassed blush warming your cheeks.

But seeing you on your knees sweeping up your mess made unpure thoughts flood his mind.

He began thinking about what you wear outside of work.

What you wear when you go out.

What you look like when you don't wear anything at all.

Then one rainy afternoon, John blows in to find his usual booth vacant and waits patiently for your typical sweet greeting.

Instead you rush over and drop his coffee on the table with a thud causing tiny brown droplets to splatter over the thick rim of the diner mug.

"What's crawled up your skirt, little rabbit?" John chuckles.

You frown down at him, pulling your notebook and a pen from your apron pocket. "I'm not in the mood today. What do you want to eat?"

"I know I was a little late but, the it's pouring outside. Don't be upset with me, bunny" He says, refusing to drop his joking tone.

"John" You snip.

He likes the way you say his name when you're angry.

"What's wrong?" He looks up at you with sincerity and you finally drop your arms and sigh.

"It's been a hard day. My boss is just being a total tool. The other waitresses are shit and no one is tipping well. Don't say anything but, I think I'm gonna put in my two weeks" You're words tumble from you in a rush.

"You're going to quit?"

"I can't keep working like this. I hardly make enough for rent and I still have no time to myself," You take a breath and shake your head. "Sorry, I shouldn't talk about money stuff with you. You're just here for dinner."

"Let me help you,"

"No, I don't need help. I'm fine, just a little overworked. I shouldn't have brought it up. Forget it."

"Let me take care of you"

You laugh but he does not.

"Come live with me, you'll never have to work again."

"Okay stop now, this isn't funny."

"Do you see me laughing?"

"You don't even know my real name"

"Aren't you tired? You're far too pretty to be so stressed. This job will always be here if you change your mind. I don't think you will though."

━━━━⊱♡⊰━━━━

A/N: This turned out longer than anticipated but hope you enjoy. I just want a Price to sweep me off my feet and make me a house wife :'-)

ﾒ𝟶

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[neptunes-sol-angel]

BOO! 👻🎃🕸 How are you scaring people with their shadows? Pick the picture(s) that you're drawn to the most then scroll down for the corresponding message(s). Happy Halloween my Sol-cherubs!!

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Pile One

"SHE AIN'T NO DIVAAA!"

You trigger others in a way that threatens their confidence and provoke them into a cycle of evaluating their self worth and identity after an ego death that's probably been long overdue. Some people in this group may hinder themselves back from speaking to people about anything in general, like expressing your opinion on something, talking about yourself, joining in a conversation so that you can be outgoing and network with others because you could feel like developing normal interactions with others is difficult for you. You could feel that people may find what you have to say as meaningless, they could even talk over you, or maybe you fear that people will hate you for what you say. You could also find yourself in too many situations where people are dedicated to misunderstanding you by twisting what you say or snubbing you. But despite their reactions, people strongly value what you say, and are often changed personally by even just a few words that you mention and could still think about what you've said years later whether it's from a normal conversation or an argument. I feel called to mention to this group that you shouldn't restrain yourself by muting your verbal expression in order to please others, because I'm getting that even though you aren't aware that there are people who want to listen and do listen to what you have to say and will like and respect you for who you are, you understand the weight of your words and the repercussions you face when you defend yourself and but there are times you don't in order to keep the peace. You must understand that peace is simply an illusion when you keep putting your feelings and wellbeing aside to keep people that are not even for you in your life. Tip toeing around others is not what's going to keep you safe—you gotta step on some toes to free yourself. This group has to learn both when it isn't your fault for when you trigger someone and when it is. Because I'm getting that another part of this group is more so in the darker aspect of this trait, you don't hold your tongue for anyone and when someone goes low, you go to straight to the pits of hell. You're fully aware of how you know just the right words to break someone and to intentionally offend them. Your brutal honesty isn't needed all of the time and sometimes you're not being blunt, you're just being an asshole. Reserve your poison for the people that deserve it, but it will benefit you to learn that the same way the magnitude of your words can be poison to others it also be venom used to help others heal. I know it may feel like that someone's always trying it with you but you gotta calm down and start seeing the good in humanity, because not everyone is a piece of filth that you need to sweep. The shadow work that you make other people do eventually creates a balance that keeps their egos in check and where their humility is holding them back.

Pile Two

What's chilling about you is how elusive you are. This can mean a variety of things, but one of the scenarios that I'm getting is that this pile could be adamant when it comes to holding grudges. People hate that you don't forgive them because it gives them a reality check with how entitled they feel to treat others and how they expect them to react about it afterwards. You seem to unfortunately attract a lot of people that don't take any accountability. They show up as either someone who feels like they have the right to mistreat others and have control over how their victims feel or perceive the situation or people who have lived their entire lives as victims but are in disbelief when they are in situations where they have made someone else a victim so they manipulate the situation to confirm their bias and lack of self awareness. These people are possessive over outcomes and how they want to be seen. You are very much capable of forgiving others, but you are strong with your boundaries to the point where you don't make yourself accessible anymore to the people have hurt you and this confuses them. They're used to thinking that words have more meaning than their actions or that forgiveness is something that's automatically given when asked for it, but you show them that's not exactly how it works. This makes them have to unpack guilt that they will deal with for a very long time or your absence reminds them of how powerless that they feel. Both are situations that are hard to sit with alone so these people may tend to latch on others and surround themselves with company. The shadow work that you make others do is to reflect on situations where they are habitually self-undoing.

Pile Three

What makes other people shook about you, is how unmoved you are but how you always seem to ironically move others. You could have this radical intelligence and self sufficiency where you don't care who's on your level or not. You could be isolated by others a lot, and on the outside it could look like you're out of touch with humanity, but no, you're actually way ahead of your time, they just need to catch up. The same things that people have tried to shun you for, end up becoming trends in the future. You guys are very secure with yourself and it intimidates others, but you've grown or will grow to not let that effect you anymore. I see that your purpose involves leading others. You guys could be coaches to help people break habits that maladaptively stagnate their lives, you keep yourself strong, in order to pass this on to others who finally decide that they to help themselves. Your insight isn't going to be accepted by the majority because those people are still stuck on outward appearances or are complacent with their own delusions, and it's not your responsibility to help everyone, but you're good at what you do and you have the potential to save a lot of lives with the changes that you help other people make within themselves. It doesn't even have to solely be changes either, you could motivate others to recognize what they already have within themselves too and that's so empowering. If you guys are tarot readers that are feeling down about the messages that you're trying to bring to people, I'm getting that you guys need to keep going, what you're doing is meaningful even if you can't physically see it, you awaken others deeply to things that they may not be ready to publicly share with others so give it time and remember your mission. You aren't here to entertain any thoughts of staying the same, you are here to promote growth. Don't downplay your gifts, you know what you know.

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "Loving words from your person"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to find a message meant to reach you at this time. The message may come from your future spouse/destined person/long time partner or even closest friend for some of you (you may still have to meet them).

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

1 2 3

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 1

Things are getting rocky at the moment, right? Yeah I know it. Try to not let this excessive amount of emotions sweep you away. Try to ground, try to stay present and in you. It's hard work indeed, ofc, I'm not saying it's easy but... please, even if it feels so difficult ans scary, do not give up. Do not let all this take the best of you. Stay in touch, stay in control... touch the ground and the grass, stay present, keep yourself rooted physically. A good news is coming in soon, maybe a new endeavour you know, just do not let this stress you even more than you are. Right now you need to find your inner focus, your center, and to meditate. Until we meet, until I will be able to help you, take good care of you. Or let someone else help you.

[romantic partner for many of you but not everyone; very big on physical affection/hugs in particular -gives very good safe hugs-; good big heart; you may be feeling lonely/feeling down/needing a bit more of love or affection these days or you will need: they'll offer you loads of that with a bright smile; sweet young kinda feminine/nurturing energy; the "excessive amount of emotion" mentioned in the reading may relate to something you're healing atm: I just heard "keep healing patiently"]

song: stay ready (what a life) | jhené aiko, kendrick lamar

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 2

HEllo hello my sweetheart! Things are changing as times and leaves, and so your emotions need to adapt to all this. We totally need to stop letting them block us and be more real, shouldn't we? It is indeed time to make a new start, to level up. So take it slow but leave this pain behind. Okay, okay, the choice is yours but you know... it's better to make mistakes and really live even for just one day than to just hide behind a wall and observe others having the time of their life and then feeling so unworthy of everything, right? Go out of the shell and try to feel as worthy as them. Try to be your real self (I know who you are inside, don't play with me, you cannot hide :)). Go slowly, go at your pace, but try. Little by little. One "hello" at time. I am waiting for you to try and say hi first. I am here waiting just for you, not going anywhere.

[romantic partner or friend, or both; funny positive accepting wise person: "it's okay to make mistakes, they're cute" when I wrote the first hello with the E and didn't want me to correct it "it's so me"; prolly clumsy but in a cute way; very pensive/thoughtful; may know many words/has a way with words or is a book lover/nerd; may wear glasses and touch them often; may sit weird; loves to write/journaling; thinks before speaking but writes on a whim and makes typos maybe also in messages to you -some are fun; you may laugh a lot together-; only for some: they may already "be in your life" as you may "see" them around often -eg. school, jobplace, subway, fav pub/place, park...- or they may be your crush/someone you find interesting, as in the song's mv]

song: you don't know my name | alicia keys

- ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ - ’ -

pile 3

It's time to take a pause and wait. Things not always go as we plan them or as we'd like them to, but it's not always that bad. It's often a matter of realigning, of realizing that maybe something wasn't supposed for us, and it's better this way. It's maybe a matter of taking a break, grieving our desire in the way we planned it to be, and then go back on track and working for a new different way to get it. It's often a matter of having to wait a little longer, of having to be a little more experienced and prepared. Maybe it's the same for us, don't you think? Maybe we thought we had met but it wasn't us. Maybe we're just meant to work on ourself first a little more, on our feelings and how we see them and perceive them, on our strenghts and self confidence, before we can really shine and meet. Before we can really be able to be seen by the right people: me by you and you by me. And trust me, it's gonna happen. We'll make it happen.

[older or wiser romantic partner or friend; feels like has had many life's experiences; very grounded; masculine energy for the most; very concrete and has an intriguing mind; may have lot of air in their chart or be Mercury dominant, still has a lot of control on their thoughts and is very determined; may inspire you and guide you through a lot and help you grow or heal; will probably need you to help them let go a bit of control cause maybe sometimes -at least for some- they may tend to be a bit more serious and go deep within and get lost in their mind; may show a bright smile on the outside but may feel hurt inside, give them time or talk with them, help them feel safe in communicating their real thoughts if you can: they just don't want to cause pain to others but forget that generally people feels good when being of help to a lover/friend and not burdened; you may share some traits or have mirror energy]

song: island in the sun | weezer

[lucettapanchetta]

[LIVE BROADCAST] - PRIVATE Seven Red Suns, No Significant Harassment [ So, did you get a chance to listen to what Chasing Wind sent over? ] [ I haven't gotten back to him, but yes, I have. ] [ You seem... less commentative to say the least. ] [ Well, there's an obvious reason to that... something I think you know very well the answer to. ] [ That's true, but would you like to explain why? I don't mind hearing a fellow friend out, especially with what's been going on as of late. ] [ ... ] [ Have you ever felt, guilty about something? ] [ Not particularly at this very moment. Why? ] [ Well, I care deeply for a few iterators, and well, I care deeply for Moon. ] [ ...and there are some aspects of my existence that enjoys helping others out; however, what happens when you do the opposite? ] [ Well, that's a good question, I suppose it would provoke a sense of guilt. ] [ Where are you going with this? Because if you are going to blame yourself for Moon's recent behavior, you shouldn't. ] [ ...that's the issue. ] [ I am to blame. ] [ Back when Sliver of Straw signaled the triple affirmative, Moon messaged me about her sentiments towards the whole ordeal. ] [ She sounded so distressed, but deep down, she wanted to know how it occurred. I could tell by her demeanor. ] [ So, I handed her as much information that could be given via "alternative" means. ] [ Some general knowledge, some technical, some... forbidden. ] [ When she finally gave her thoughts on it, she was appalled that such a method could be implemented by any iterator. ] [ ...and usually, that is where most stop when they read upon the concept of self-destruction. ] [ However, what Moon must've read most likely inspired her more than push her away... ] [ ... ] [ I'm listening. ] [ Not to sound pessimistic, but I'm afraid if we can't find another means of reaching her, then she'll fall apart. ] [ I understand, I also worry about Five Pebbles. I'm concerned that his systems are irreversibly damaged. ] [ I guess, in a way, that is what makes me feel guilty. By giving Moon this information, I might lose her and indirectly cause the collapse of another iterator. ] [ To be honest, it does eat away at me too that we can't do much right now. ] [ Hopefully, once Moon lowers her processing power, Five Pebbles could send over the wide sweep diagnostics test. That way, we could get started. ] [ ...but for now, we have to wait regardless of how both of us feel. ] [ Everyone makes mistakes, even we as godlike machines are unfortunately blessed with emotions from a bygone era. ] [ Good point... ] [ Listen, if anything happens, I will catch you when you fall. ] [ Same here. Except if what's "falling" is your superstructure, then you're on your own. ] [ Heh. Glad to see you are getting back your snide attitude. ]

[candysweetposts]

Episode 8 review (long af)

I want to start this by saying that I will include some talk-points I saw in other posts and that I don't hate the people who made them just the opinions and that we shouldn't fight each other but try to reach the company for improvements. Let's go! This includes spoilers btw.

The episode itself was pretty bad just because the premise was... I guess childish. From the moment I finished Ep 7 and saw the preview for Ep 8 I thought about a moment from HSL, specifically Ep 12 where Candy (Lynn) spies on Lysander to see his back tattoo. When I played that episode I was a teen and I thought it was exciting. Our Candy was also a teen so we can say that what she did was more justifiable since teenagers do crazy stuff all the time. Plus, Lynn's intention was pretty innocent, she just was curious about this boy's tattoo that happened to be on his back. Here is completely different. I am not a teen anymore, and neither are Ysaline or her co-workers. They're probably in their late 20s (at least some). I find this scenario a bit too much for a bunch of adults. I don't care that they're friends, friends should respect each other's boundaries. A good friend wouldn't pull this kind of shit. They all acted as if they were going so see a magic trick or a concert or a famous person, not their friend naked. Why would you want to see that? Just because he "implied" that he's fine with it? What did they expect would happen? Did they though he would laugh out and be like "Haha, you got me" fully naked? This feels like what a bunch of bullies would plan to do with someone. The rest of the episode was ok-ish but having all around this weird stuff it makes me hard to like anything about it. I must admit that there were moments when we would talk about other stuff and it was truly ok and nice, but this is like finding the needle in the haystack.

This goes back to what BV originally planned for this season, to be set in high school. I bet this was a concept for an episode when that was still going. Would be more ok if these people were teens? Maybe... or maybe not. Do you know why? Because most of us are adults and that's why BV made a game with mostly adults having adult life with jobs and stuff and let's not forget... NSFW. And as an adult, I know better than spying on a naked man is creepy and illegal.

Now let's talk about the characters.

Let's start with Roy. He was very nice in the whole episode. He tried to play along but it really looked like he was uncomfortable at some point. And I bet if he could, he would tell others more firmly to stop but he's just such a sweet guy and probably endures for the sake of his friends. He's always sweet and even when he pulled the prank on everyone he even had the idea for all to play with water guns. He acted so nice. We love you, Roy! <3

Speaking of his BFF Devon who just disappointed me. I really thought he would be the first to speak up against this, not the one who started it. I get you're like bros and stuff but AGAIN, do you want to see your bro naked? And if yes, why? Do you have something to confess? What's so funny about embarrassing someone? I didn't get a good look at this route so I can't tell how he is with Candy, but this is not ok. Please, make this better BV.

Thomas. He was an absolute menace. Going from childish remarks to planning all of this to acting like he's in a spy movie (I didn't mind that part but CONTEXT). As I get to know him more and more I realize that he's more of a villain. Knows stuff about people and uses that against them. I get that he's like Mr Robot, but at least in his case, he did what he did because he thought he was doing something good. Thomas just likes to fuck with people. I get it, his moment was pretty cute and moments with him and Candy are cute generally, but let's not sweep this thing under the rug. He likes to lie, remember? I really hope this was a one-time thing. Pls BV. Like he has based moments and this runs it.

Amanda did really grow on me in this episode. Like if before I couldn't stand her now I'm on her side. Whatever you need girl, I'm here for you. She was the first one to step in and say no which was nice. She also said some other nice stuff to us proving she's a girl's girl. I hope this is not a one-time thing because if she goes back to her bad attitude the next episode I'll just hate her again. Sorry!

Jason was very himself this episode. Nothing to note. I liked his moment but I hate how Candy went overboard and basically imagined them making out. What? Is this how you develop feelings for a person? By fantasizing about kissing them? That came out of nowhere. I mean yeah, she could talk about how he makes her feel and stuff but straight up imagining a fanfic on the spot? And I hate the direction his route goes. Candy always being in distress and vulnerable, and this gentleman shows up to save her. Cool, but when do we have a mature moment... and not that kind of mature. I guess we have to wait and I hope it's worth it. I want to know about him more. What's with his dad and mom, his family in general, his past, you know. So let's stop doing weird shit and start exploring these characters BV.

Girl 1 and 2 were very not nice. They just went along with the plan, especially Elenda, who... let's just say I don't like how she's presented most of the time. I get she's s fun bubbly girl, but idk... it's just the situation that makes it worse not her as a person. Brune... You're asking what's wrong with Roy? What's wrong with you?

The illustrations were fire. I must admit, I love them. I see a lot of improvements. The lighting and colors blend very well. Props to the artist/(s?). My favorite is, you guessed, Thomas'. Yeah, he always has nice illustrations. Although, I don't get the whole going naked with him on the beach. Like, we barely know the guy. Same for the others, except Amanda, because she's a girl.

Now, let's talk about the community response. I feel like, at first, everyone was pretty upset, and rightfully and some were just "We're not that upset because it's just a game guys, shut up. You're just hating". Well, of course, some are going to exaggerate but most of us have valid reasons to be upset. Saying that this is just a game and we should leave if we don't like it it's just straight up BS arguments. I've seen this argument everywhere and I am sick and tired of that. I won't leave no matter what because not only do I love this game, but I also love the community and everything that makes it. It's not just a game, it's something I invested time and money and I won't let that go to waste. Also, I can use the same arguments against those people. Most of us here want to just enjoy this game and chat about it. Stuff like this will appear all the time. Let's just say what we have to see and hope the game gets better. And you're lucky I don't remember every single one of these people's arguments because I would said more. Also, WE KNOW that MCL is not representative of reality or that is has some sort of educational purpose. We're not asking for realism, we're asking for a decent plot. It's that so hard to do?

Lastly, BV made a pr response on the forum where they said that they saw the backlash and that they can't do anything about the episode or the other episodes but that will improve in the future. I.. I want to believe them. Truly. So, please, for the love of God, don't pull this sort of stuff again. Ok? Please.

That being said, Thank you for reading this. It was quite long, but I like writing long ass texts. Sorry!

[kingofthewilderwest]

Am I the only one who feels like HTTYD isn't as memeable as Shrek or KFP? I know we have "You're as beautiful as the day I lost you." and the famous dancing Toothless, but that one was really from a parody recap. Other than that, I really don't see a lot of memes from it.

I think that means HTTYD is successfully doing its job with the type of narration it intends.

There are comedic lines like "talking fishbone" and "thanks for nothing, you useless reptile" that fandom has parroted since the early days. There's Hiccup encouraging Toothless while the Light Fury looks aghast as a meme template. And fandom can find anything to josh with, be it Hiccup's hot froglegs in HTTYD 2, or Hiccup's love affair with scrap metal from RTTE, or throwing everyone in the dungeon who made a Stoick joke (I am DATING my time in the fandom here, y'all). There will always be moments we play with, as it were.

But HTTYD, while funny, is built on heart. Shrek and KFP have heart, too (especially KFP), but they're built around different vibes (especially Shrek). Shrek was an intentional, abrupt, genuinely shocking aberration from animated fairy tale movies. For people who weren't around when it happened, there's a REASON it was a HUGE, rocking sensation and has become part of permanent culture. Meanwhile, KFP is a comedy action. HTTYD, at its core, is the story of a boy and his dragon, and a boy and his dad. I wouldn't expect fan response or general societal response to respond to these different frameworks the same way.

When audiences think about the impact of HTTYD, they aren't thinking about the pleasurable absurdisms that lead to "You're tearing me APART, Lisa!" or "I don't like sand" (which actually, for the record, I think is an unironically good character scene, sue me).

You ever watch a movie where they try soooo hard to be meme-able? Or they're throwing in jokes at places they shouldn't? I'm not not not saying it happened here, but one of the things I think THW could've improved was by reducing the number of gags it tried to run - while competing for time to emotionally conclude a sweeping trilogy. Sometimes it's not the place for a movie to have the content that'd make it meme-able. HTTYD's always been funny, yeah, and that's part of the franchise's charm. But different types of funny bring different audience results, and you ain't gonna beat Shrek when it comes for appropriate humor vibes for memes.

I could be forgetting a ton in my sleep-deprived state. But I'd agree it's not as meme-able as Shrek, one of the most meme-worthy pieces of media to exist. It means both have their place in the ecosystem of movies, and it makes both of them fantastic for what they are.

[asnowdriftsomewhere]

Daylight pt6

Cassian x f!reader

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

An: I've been busy, but here is the next part. I do hope you enjoy

Summary: Dinner with the IC doesn't go exactly to plan...

Warning: I am deliberately choosing not to put any. Proceed with caution.

Word count: 2239

Cassian nearly choked on his tongue when he saw you. Doing a double take as you breezed through the doors onto the veranda where he had been waiting for you. He would never admit it to you, but he'd been anxiously awaiting your appearance for more than thirty minutes now. Running his fingers through his hair and gripping the railing so tight he was surprised there weren't hand prints left behind. But you were here now, and Cauldron, you were beautiful. Like dawn's first light given physical form. 

You suppressed a blush as you approached the general whose jaw had gone slack and whose eyes couldn't seem to stop taking you in. Hazel eyes roved over your body, drinking in every part of you like a male starved and were a proverbial buffet. You may have swished your hips as you approached. Just a bit. 

“You..” he trailed off, eyes finally reconnecting with yours as he swallowed hard. “You look… beautiful, Y/N”

“Thank you, Cassian,” you blushed in earnest now as you came to stand beside him along the railing. “You look rather dashing yourself.” 

“Ah, well,” he looked down at himself, and you took the opening to survey the Illyrian before you. He wasn't in his usual black leather armor but instead wore an elegant black jacket and matching slacks. Red and silver embroidery along the lapels and cuffs of his jacket looked like exploding stars and almost seemed to shift in the fading light of dusk. Though it was obvious he was not used to wearing such fine things, he pulled it off as if he never wore anything else. The jacket was tailored perfectly to his broad shoulders. The hem drew the eyes to his slim waist and long legs. If you didn't know any better, you would have thought him to be a powerful lord of this land with all the elegance and refinement that entailed. “The House laid this out for me, I don't even know where it got it.” 

You let out a laugh at that, “You too? It pulled this out for me.” 

He laughed with you at that, taking the invitation to look you over once more before holding his hand out to you. “Shall we?”

You hesitated a moment, glancing back towards the house, “Shouldn't we wait for Nesta?” 

“Feyre came and picked her up earlier,” he shrugged, keeping his hand steady in front of you. “She wanted to visit Nyx before dinner.”

Your breath caught in your throat, “Oh, okay…” 

Uncertainty crossed his features then, “Is… Is there a problem? Should I have Feyre come get you too?” His hand started to drop.

“No,” you said quickly, reaching out to take his hand in yours before he could step away. “Sorry, no. There is no problem.” His hand was large and warm. His calluses scraped against your own, sending a shock of electricity through you as you snapped your gaze up to meet his hazel eyes. 

Suddenly, you were not standing atop the House of Wind. You were not in Velaris or any part of the Night Court you were familiar with. Instead, you were walking around an obsidian obelisk. A baron mountain rumbled beneath your feet, and the wind rushed through your hair. You paused, your eyes shifting to one of the steep climbs below where three figures were making their way towards you- towards the stone behind you. The mountain shook again, and two sets of hazel eyes locked onto yours. 

You blinked, and you were back on the veranda. Cassian standing before you with a look of concern on his face. “Sorry. We should go. They're probably waiting for us.” You shook your head as if to clear the vision from your mind before stepping closer to him.

He stiffened for a moment as you pressed your body into him before bending to sweep your legs out from under you. You let out a small squeak as he jumped from the verandas's edge, and the two of you began a free fall towards the city below. But just before you took matters into your own hands and winnowed you both to safety, his wings snapped out, and with a powerful beat, you found yourself gliding through the air. 

The city glittered like stars below, and you couldn't stop the gasp from escaping your mouth as you took in the view. You'd seen Velaris at night. You'd watched the lights twinkling below as if to match the stars above and had marveled at the perfect beauty of it all. But this, flying through it, as if swimming in a sea of stars, you felt something in your chest shift and settle at the sight before you and the feeling of warm arms enveloping you. You wouldn't name the feeling. Not yet. 

But maybe soon. 

You arrived at the River House sooner than you would have liked, but Cassian set you down respectfully in the lawn just as the door flew open and two High Fae females rushed to greet you. 

“Y/N!” Feyre beamed, pulling you into a hug, “You look amazing! I've missed you.”

“We saw each other last week,” you laughed as you wrapped your arms around the female. 

“Yes but that was so long ago,” she sighed as Rhysand appeared in the threshold and wrapped an arm around the waist of his mate to gently pry her off of you. 

“You'll have to forgive, Feyre darling,” he smirked down at her and she giggled, “Mor convinced her to raid my collection of rare wine again and because she's not had a drink since before she got pregnant it seems to have hit her rather harder than normal.”

“He's full of it-I'm fine,” she protested despite how her words slurred slightly, and you laughed. 

“Oh course you are, my love,” he placated her with a wink towards you. “But we are glad you agreed to join us tonight, Y/N.”

“It wasn't exactly phrased like I had an option,” you raised an eyebrow as you cast a glance towards Cassian, who tried and failed to not look guilty. “But, still, I thank you for your hospitality, High Lord.”

“Please just call me Rhysand,” he smiled warmly at you, and you dipped your chin slightly. 

“Of course.” 

“I think this is the most I've heard you speak,” Nesta's voice was cold, her gaze like a knife opening you up to dissect what she found inside. “You're always so… quiet in the library.” The atmosphere shifted with her words. Everyone went still and alert as you faced the female across from you.  

“It was my understanding that the Priestesses preferred quiet in their library,” you spoke evenly as you met her gaze head on. “But if you're referring to how I refused their attempts at companionship, then yes, I have done that.”

“So you think you're better than them?” Her eyes narrowed on you. “You think they are not worth your time?”

You didn't back down from her, “I didn't say that.” 

“No, you just implied it-”

“Nesta,” Feyre warned, but her sister ignored her. 

“If that is how they felt by my actions, then I apologize.” You squared your shoulders, “but I am used to being dismissed and overlooked for my ideas and research. The other advisors didn't bother to speak or debate with me in the Day Court libraries because my interests were not theirs. I simply believed that that would be the case among the Priestesses.” 

“You didn't even give them a chance,” crossed her arms over her chest. 

“You're right, I didn't, and for that, I am sorry. Perhaps if Merrill can spare her, Gewn can assist me come Monday.” You offered the olive branch between you, “I have a great many tombs to look into and only so much time before I return to the Day Court.” 

Her shoulder seemed to relax at that as she tipped her head to the side, “You'll have to talk to Clotho about that, but I'm sure Merrill will be fine without her for a while.” 

You smiled softly at her, “Okay.” Everyone on the lawn seemed to take a collective breath as the tension between you dissolved and Cassian stepped to your side.

“Why don't we go in,” he suggested, placing one hand on the small of your back to guide you through the door. “I'm hungry and need the fuel if Nesta is gonna be starting fights all night. 

“Hmp,” Nesta's cold gaze looked over the General like he was little more than a nuisance in her vicinity, “Just because you showed up to a battle of wits unarmed does not mean I have to play nice.”

“Alright, ouch,” he shot her a weak glare, and you laughed before raising a hand to tap his cheek sweetly. 

“Don't worry,” you smiled as the male went still under your fingertips. “I brought wits to spare. I'll cover you.” 

“And what about the rest of us?” Feyre pouted as she and Rhysand led you through the house towards the dining room where Mor and Amren were waiting for you all. 

“You grew up with her,” you chuckled, taking the seat that Cassian pulled out for you. “If you haven't figured out how to handle her by now, there's no hope for you at this point.” 

“Who are we handling?” Mor asked as she bounced Nyx on her knee, the baby giggling happily. 

“Nesta is in rare form tonight,” Rhysand explained as he swept the child from her arms and raised him into the air as if he were flying. “She tried to start a fight with Y/N within minutes of her arrival.”

“I simply pointed out how rude she was to the Priestesses,” Nesta shrugged as she took her seat. 

“Fortunately, I am used to handling people who use their words to bite,” you smiled at the female, venom lacing your tone. 

Amren's grin was a thing of nightmares, “Gods it's been an age since someone interesting came to Court. Where has Helion been hiding you?” 

“Where he keeps all his most useful things,” you shrugged lightly, trying to ignore the flash of discomfort that bloomed in your chest. “The Grand Library.” 

“What's it like there?” Feyre asked dreamily as she took the seat next to Mor. “I've always been curious, but we never have time to leave the palace whenever we visit Helion.”

“It's beautiful,” you said simply as you let your memories of the Day Court cloud your vision. “Pillars of silver and gold intertwining amongst the many stacks of bookcase that hold knowledge as old and older than Prythian itself. The floors are made of clear quartz that capture and refract the light into an array of rainbows that illuminate the floor below of which there are seven. The top floor is open to the air so that the winds of Day can sweep through the mezzanine and remind us to get out of the library every now and again.” You looked to Cassian, who'd taken the seat next to you. “I think that was why time got away from me when I first arrived. There is no wind in the library below the house, not like back home.”

“And how does our collection compare to your own?” Mor asked, swirling the wine in her goblet as she crossed one golden leg over the other. “Are you finding everything you need?” 

“Just about,” you smiled softly at her, your eyes locking on to her brown ones. “There are a few tombs here that have proven quite insightful.”

She quirked an eyebrow at you, “Such as?” 

“A collection of death myths and a scholar's analysis of their similarities and differences.” You shrugged, not looking away. “And the journals of fae who experience near death. Though I think speaking with Azriel will provide the most valuable information to my research.” 

“And what are you researching?” She asked, taking a sip of her drink, “My dear cousin has been incredibly tight-lipped about the reason for your visit.” 

“Mor,” Rhysand spoke from somewhere far away. His voice sounded as if you were separated by glass. By a wall of water, an ocean around just Mor and you. She was all there is. All that mattered was answering her questions.

“I'm researching death,” you said simply, something in your chest tightening. “And if, when someone comes close, do they get to make the decision if they succumb or live. I wonder if it's true what healers say when treating death blows or grave illnesses. Do their patients actually have a say, or is the concept of ‘fighting for life’ just a comforting lie we tell them to give them hope.” 

“Mor!” Someone was shouting from an ocean away, and you felt something wet trickle down your face. 

“Why would you be looking into something as depressing as that?” She tipped her head to the side, those brown eyes seeming to swallow you whole. 

“Because I need to know if it's worth it,” you whispered now, your voice becoming irrevocably brittle, “If I have a chance to live or if I should just accept that I will die.” 

Everything went quiet then. As if the universe were bracing itself for your next admission.

Even Mor’s cat-like smile fell from her face as she asked, “What do you mean?”

“I'm sick,” you whispered, and the world cleaved apart. 

Part 7

[steviewashere]

She Lives in My Dream State

Rating: General Pairings: Past Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler, Platonic Stancy, Pre-Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson, Steve Harrington & Eddie Munson CWs: Mild Recreational Marijuana Use (More Implied/Referenced) Tags: Post-Canon, Vague Timeline, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Pining, Pre-Relationship, One-Sided Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler, Good Friend Eddie Munson, Steve Harrington Has a Vague Bisexual Awakening, Bisexual Steve Harrington (If you Squint), (He Hasn't Figured Out All His Feelings Yet for Eddie), Eventual Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson, Bittersweet, Hopeful Ending, Talking About Dreams This isn't my New Years fic, but I whipped this one out really fast tonight (because I'm pining over somebody I can't have, all that good stuff), so. I promise I've got a couple works that are coming out hopefully by the end of the week! I've just been very ill—woohoo!!! Title taken from Tyler, the Creator's "See You Again", the actual lyric is, "You live in my dream state."

🫂—————🫂 Steve and Nancy become close friends. Closer than most. Maybe not closer than he and Robin, but close enough. They're enough together. And Steve just has to take that.

He reasons that they'd be better friends or maybe even best friends had circumstances not have been. If Nancy was never his girlfriend and the Upside Down never happened and he was never bullshit. But. Well, you can only get so much out of people. And this is what he gets. An ex-girlfriend that still laughs at his jokes, but doesn't touch him the way it matters. An ex-girlfriend who's a friend, nothing more.

She moved to Boston, following her dreams like she always said she would. He believes in her, so he knew, of course, that she'd get to where she needed to be. Steve shouldn't miss her, not as much as he does, but he does. That's the problem. He'll get phone calls from her, excited and bright and short, she's got a column in the local newspaper, her dorm-mates are considerate, there's a library within walking distance. He's so fucking happy and proud.

But also...

"I think I'm still in love with her," he confesses one night. It's late, too late to be talking. There's a burning sweep of ash in his throat, a joint nearly roached between his fingers, and some movie playing in front of him. The television is quiet, buzzing and fizzing.

"Yeah?"

Oh. And Eddie's here, too. Replacing one friend for another. Not that Nancy did stuff like this, sitting around with him, smoking and shooting shit. No, she was more the kind of girl who enjoyed binging some rom-com from the discount bin at Family Video, sipping hot gos as Steve put it out into the world. She liked wine nights—it was the only stereotype she allowed herself to have.

He swallows around smoke. The joint begins to hurt, so he leans forward towards Eddie's coffee table, putting it out in an already full ashtray. They should really break this habit. Do something else. Find another thing to entertain them, but the weed loosens the works. Makes it easier to be himself without trying so damn hard. Not like it matters. Eddie figures him out anyway. Perceptive bastard.

His hands hang between his knees. Head heavy on his neck, pulled forward so his shoulders hunch. The screen flashes, and so his eyes dart to figure the picture. He's never been able to paint it clearly, doesn't understand the image, can't caption the words.

"I don't know," Steve murmurs, "it's just...she calls me, y'know, tells me everything going on in her life. And I know she's broken up from Jon, working on herself—whatever that means—but I...I hear her talk about these guys and girls she's bumping into on campus. Don't think she realizes, but she's on her way to falling in love with her lab partner."

"You saying you're jealous of a person you've never met?"

"I'm not the jealous type"—

"Sorry, Steve, it sorta sounds like you are."

Sighing, relenting, Steve rolls his eyes and leans back in his seat. Nods against the back of the couch, gaze adrift to the water stains on the ceiling. "Maybe I am, then. But I'm not gonna do anything about it, swear. She's happy now. Has her whole life ahead of her. Not the kind to settle down and have a brood of children, I get that, but I guess the dream still clouds my brain."

Eddie looks to him, he can feel his burning stare. He keeps his gaze astute on the ceiling. There's something in him that melts with Eddie's molten eyes—he'd let the change happen at a moment's notice. Not now, though. And definitely not yet. "You guys are on two different worlds," Eddie states softly, "she isn't yours to keep. And I'm sure she doesn't want to be kept, not now at least." He bumps his hand on Steve's thigh, the contact burns, but Steve doesn't shy from it. Instead, he lolls his head and looks over.

One day, his brain won't be set on Nancy.

Maybe it'll be somebody else.

"I don't how you're supposed to do it," Eddie continues, "but you have to move on, Steve. Be her friend, but don't let the thought of her eat away at you."

He swallows, a sour lump heavy in his throat. "I know," he mutters. His eyes are heavy, wet when he blinks them. But Eddie doesn't acknowledge that, doesn't make fun of him. It's nice. Steve sighs. "I just think I'm gonna love her forever and there's nothing I can do about it."

"I know, Steve," Eddie whispers, matching the tenderness, "but one day, things will be different. I swear, Stevie, they will."

"Yeah"—he nods once, quickly. Lets out another soft breath—"did you know that Nance and I met on her first day of freshman year?"

"Mm, no I didn't. Tell me about it?"

At least Eddie won't shut him down on this. Not like other people have.

"She had these big, square glasses on," Steve reminisces, "her hair tied up in this ponytail, stray hairs all around her face. We were at this club fair. I was looking into the student council and she was at the booth beside me, the business club's. And all I could think was, there's no way she's interested in that, must be her dad talking."—he snorts—"when I went over to ask her about it, she did one of those big, nasty sighs. All...jaded or whatever. She told me her dad was full of shit. Honestly thought she was gonna be some prissy, pretty mouthed girl who's well-mannered—that kind of garbage—but she wasn't. She was honest.

"I knew, right then and there, that I was gonna find a way to woo her. Maybe it was just...maybe I was being a bit too out there for a fifteen year old, but I honest to god thought she was the one for me. My soulmate. But then...well, y'know the story of us. Not meant to be." Steve sighs, wistful and forlorn. The image of fourteen year old Nancy Wheeler, her too big glasses and her smile full of braces, gone in an instant. He continues, "That dream I had where she was my wife, we had that whole crowd of kids, sometimes I think that was my dad talking. The ideal family mumbo-jumbo. But I think, if her and I were different people—if she wasn't afraid of becoming her mom and I wasn't afraid of becoming my dad—maybe that whole thing could'a worked out. But...Nancy's too brilliant for that. Too brilliant for nuclear bullshit. And I'm sorta...sorta behind, y'know. Late bloomer on what I want."

Eddie blinks at him. His wonderfully dark eyes pulling Steve back to himself. The hand has returned to sit against his thigh, heavy and warm and sure. Grounding. "What do you want, Steve?"

He blows out a sharp breath. "Loaded question," Steve says, "I want to get out of Hawkins, I know that much. Find somewhere to be. To be what, I'm not sure, but something more than just...just world's best babysitter who knows when to have a car at the right moment and also the inventory system for movies I've never fucking seen."

The smile that compliments that statement is only born from Eddie's warm laughter. He wants to nurture that smile, the way his cheeks stretch with it. It's the warmest thing he's felt in a long while.

"What about you, Eds, what do you want?"

"Honestly, I don't fucking know," Eddie answers in turn. "I wanted to be a world famous rockstar. But every time I put my fingers on the frets, I think about Metallica and world ending doom, so...guess that's sorta out of the cards. Oh, maybe I could write shit! I could...I could take the whole world ending bullshit and turn it into some sci-fi novel. Call it...The Underworld or something."

"The Underworld or Something sounds like a mouthful," Steve teases.

"Right...The Underworld. Title in progress. Hell, you know, maybe you could be my editor?"

"I'm not a strong enough reader for that, Eds." Eddie chuckles and nods, conceding. Steve just relishes in the tired sound of his laughter. "Got any other gigs you think I could do?"

"Book binding," Eddie says easily, "it's methodical. Takes some energy to focus on the craft, but you work a lot with your hands and tools. Something quiet, so you aren't dealing with angry moms and their crying children. But something just bland enough that you're not overexerting your efforts. Could put your brain on hobbies you wanted to work. Book binding and playing basketball in your free time sounds like the dream for you, Steve."

"Yeah? You've been thinking about this for a while? 'Cause, gotta give it to you, if that's improvised, you're a fucking genius."

"Ah, thank you, thank you...you flatter me, sweetheart. In another life, I take the world by storm with my on stage presence."

"Why not in this one?"

"Hollywood's too convoluted," Eddie says, "they'd probably do some evil shit like put me on an unethical diet and call it the beauty world's next hot tip or something. Or, y'know, they'd put me in a Speedo catalog. Don't think I could do that, ruins the integrity of my image."

Steve snorts again and swipes his tongue inside his lower lip. "Hm," he assesses, eyes squinted at Eddie's shorts-clad legs, "you've got good enough legs for it, though. Put you in some zebra print tighties and call it couture."

"Again, Steve, you flatter me." Eddie hits his thigh again, drawing his attention back. "Seriously, though," he says, voice dropped low, "one day you'll have things figured out enough. Maybe you'll still love her, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be binding books or working a cash register. But, someday, you'll be the Steve Harrington you need yourself to be. Not today, and that's okay."

"Yeah," he sighs, "not today."

He thinks of Nancy, happy in Boston. Jonathan happy in Lenora. Robin in Seattle. All of them, sans Eddie and himself, separated and happy.

It's bittersweet, to love somebody he can't have. It always will be. He knows, despite himself, that he's going to love her until the day he dies. And she won't know that, and that has to be okay. They missed the chance—he missed the chance. Things are for the better, though.

He has a new friend in Eddie. He's got a load of feelings to stifle through. And he's got a lot to look forward to in the coming years of his very formative twenties. But for now, this is it: wallowing on Eddie's couch, tossing jokes at one another, smoke coating his throat.

It's not the best, but it could certainly be a lot worse. Things are reasonable and he's alive and some stuff is amiss, but things will work out.

Especially since he's got a new person on his side.

🫂—————🫂

[wombatwisdom]

The Institution

In the version of the first vision that is most frequently quoted by church members, I find the question posed by the 14 year old, soon to be prophet, rather telling.

He does not ask a personal question, such "how can I be a better disciple of Jesus Christ?" Or even more biblical "what lack I yet?"

Nor does he ask a more general question like "how can I help people more fully come unto Christ?"

The question he poses is an institutional one: "Which of all the sects was right, that I may know which to join." (JS History 1:18)

It should be noted that this account was not drafted until 1838, and is likely not a perfect recounting of events but rather a recounting with a purpose. If you are trying to convince people that a church is the one true church of God, the question that initiated the vision had better be about churches.

I think, however, this institutional focus looms large in our church, exacerbated by correlation efforts in the latter half of the 20th century. In many ways, the church has survived and thrived off its institutional design.

As I see it, the church has two aspects that constantly create tension: the centralized institution (think church headquarters) and the local congregation (think your ward or branch). Historically, the church has oscillated between different approaches: at times highly centralized, others more localized. In the modern church, it has struck a rather successful balance between the two, and landed in what I like to call the "franchise model".

My mother likes to say she loves that church is the same no matter where she attends. And generally that's true--she knows she can share her testimony on the first Sunday of the month, she knows what class to attend for second hour, and she knows when to sit, stand, sing, and say amen.

In truth the structure of the church on this tightrope between the top down approach of the centralized church and the bottom up approach of the localized church is a marvel. The average member feels empowered at the local level while supported by a larger framework maintained by a centralized group. Local leaders are volunteers (sort of), so less likely to be swayed to corruption, while the central leadership is full time with the capacity to address sweeping and large issues.

But these two structures pull against each other too. Local congregations can veer too far from the comfort of Central planning and can have their autonomy reduced (see women on the stand in California). Central leadership can implement policy that is difficult to enforce at the local level that will just kind of be forgotten (see the countless examples of leadership roulette).

Central leadership's goal is to maintain the institution and keep the train on the tracks, where the local congregation's goal is to foster community. And between the two is the estuary of middle-management who are trying support both at the same time (a confusing and thankless task if there ever was one).

These goals can be tricky to support and are often contradictory but can be advantageous to the church as a whole.

You've probably seen this in action. If someone in your ward mistreats you and you offer this as reason for no longer attending, you are often reminded that the church is more than the local community, it is a global Church run by God and you shouldn't abandon it because of a less than stellar ward environment. Similarly, if Central Leadership proposes a policy that marginalizes you or othes, the defense is to remember how great a community of saints exists and how much you are loved.

This makes it difficult to criticize, advocate or create positive change in the church. While grassroots movements can work, it is important to see how both sides of the church work and in what ways they are interconnected and how they are separate. A movement solely focused on improving the community does not change damaging centralized policy or teachings, likewise even perfect policy will not create the desired effect if the local community is hostile or otherwise unable to implement it.

From the very beginning of the LDS tradition there has been an eye towards institutionalism. Much more can and needs to be said regarding how Christ fits into the institution, but this post is already too long to tackle that. So, I'll leave it here for now.

[schrodingerscougar]

Note: Seriously, I have no excuse for the Toranaga fics. Here's a modern day one. Please, enjoy, then kindly point me in the direction of works from others.

..

Toranaga remained silent after Blackthorne finished talking and waited for Mariko to translate for him. You watched him with curious eyes, looking for small changes in his expression that would tell you what he was planning this time. Because you knew many things about him, one of them being the fact that he spoke English quite well.

Once the conversation was over, he asked Mariko to be with their guest for the rest of the day to help him communicate with others and get to know your customs better. After they left, he asked you to go to the roof with him so you could talk in private, away from the people who were dying to find out more about the outsider.

“Please, enlighten me. Why are you making the Englishman believe you don't speak English?” you asked Toranaga once you stepped next to him by the railing of the rooftop.

The man looked at you with a small smile as his fingers played with the small box he held in his hand. What it contained you didn't know, but something told you it was none of your business. “I believe I shouldn't make things easy for him just yet,” he said after a while.

You tried to resist, but your eyes kept falling on the box in his hand. It was a small and simple cardboard box, not something that would seem particularly precious. It was killing you that you had absolutely no clue what it was hiding, and why he had been playing with it ever since you joined him up here.

“You want to know what's inside, don't you?” Toranaga asked with a laugh as he opened his palm and held the box close to you. You shook your head without thinking, even reaching out to close his fingers around it, but he gently pulled your hand away and showed you the object once again. “Take it. It's yours anyway.”

“Mine?” He nodded with that kind smile still visible on his lips. So you took the box and opened it, only to find another box inside. But it wasn't another cardboard box, no. It was a blue jewelry box that had a beautiful white gold ring with a yellow diamond in the middle inside. “I don't understand, what is this?”

“I believe you already know. We've been together for long enough to understand what we want from this relationship. This is what I want,” he explained.

You didn't know what to say. These were trying times for all of you, a proposal wasn't something you could think about. There were people after him, his life was in danger, he had a strange Englishman as a guest, and he was thinking about this? If you didn't know any better, you would have assumed he went mad.

“You have nothing to say?” he asked, bringing you back to the conversation with only these five words.

“Why now in the middle of this mess?”

Toranaga decided to wrap an arm around your body and pull you into a kiss, probably hoping this would make you focus on his proposal instead of your fears regarding the future. His future. He was right as usual, you were terrified those idiots would get him killed.

“I want to hear you say yes before I die, that's all,” came his response as he placed a soft kiss on your cheek. “Don't you want to stay by my side as my wife?”

You flashed a delicate smile at him then put your arms around his neck to pull him against you. “That's all I want,” you whispered to him before burying your face into the crook of his neck.

People had warned you not to let him close, to keep a safe distance from this man who was way more powerful than you could handle. At first you followed the advice, especially because you saw what he could be like, how cold and scheming he was with others.

But then you saw a different side of him. A softer side, one he seemingly reserved for you, and only you. Gentle touches, romantic getaways, generous gifts; he did everything he could to sweep you off your feet. Maybe it was a trap, but maybe he was genuinely interested in you. Either way, you couldn't resist for long.

The two of you joined Blackthorne and Mariko for dinner in the evening, going to an excellent restaurant with a private room to talk a little more. Through the other woman, Toranaga asked a lot of questions about the Englishman's intentions. He assumed he came here looking for something that had been hidden a long time ago, a relic that held value only to a small circle of people.

You remained silent and listened. You weren't allowed to talk to the outsider yet because your fiancé wanted you to stay out of whatever mess he was here to cause. He would have rather thrown Mariko under the bus right now. It was cruel, but he was only protecting you, you knew that.

“Why don't you ask him about the relic? Go on, ask him about what object they've been hiding for a long time,” Blackthorne told Mariko once he had enough of the cross-examination.

She looked confused, hesitant to speak up at first. Knowing Toranaga understood everything made her more cautious and you couldn't blame her. Of course, Blackthorne didn't speak Japanese, so he wouldn't have understood what she said. But despite this, she was carefully choosing each word when she spoke up again.

“Lord Toranaga, the relic he's talking about… Is it real?” she asked.

“It is very much real, I can assure you,” he said before turning to his guest and switching to English. “I believe you are chasing a myth, Mr. Blackthorne. This relic went missing a long time ago.”

His lie made you nervous. What was he plotting this time? But the biggest surprise came from the other man whose jaw dropped upon hearing him speak his language.

“You bastard, you understood everything I said, didn't you?” he asked angrily before turning to you. “I bet you understand everything too.”

“Whether or not she understands you doesn't matter as I asked Mariko to translate, not her.”

Blackthorne laughed at this. “You don't want your lover to be involved? What are you afraid of? That she might realize what a manipulative piece of shit you are?”

Toranaga glanced over at you for a moment, then turned back to the Englishman. “You should learn to choose your words more carefully,” he warned him. “You saved my life, for which I'm grateful, and you are my guest, but I won't hesitate to get rid of you if you make the wrong choice.”

You shivered because of the way he talked to Blackthorne. This was the man people warned you about, the one who was usually nowhere to be found when you were around. He exchanged a few words with Mariko in Japanese, then stood up and extended a hand to help you up too. It was time to leave apparently.

Before you left the room, your eyes met Mariko’s and you couldn't hide your worry. She flashed a small smile at you then nodded to tell you she would be fine. You returned the smile then said goodbye and went after Toranaga. You didn't dare to resist.

[raspberry-vinaigrette]

you should tell me your thoughts on one steven s stevenson from hit game dayshift at freddys (imagine that one proud tiktok emoji with the spiky hair here) go boy (gender neutral) !!! yap!!!

the fact i know exactly who this is ...... ur the steven fan forever. godspeed

BUT !! steven is just so fascinating to me. he suffers a bit from originating from dsaf1 which is the most satiric and parody-esque of the games so most of his legitimate characterization is often taken from dsaf3 but! i think there's still something to be pulled from what we have! namely his whole "sweep it under the rug" idea and how it contrasts with his entire thing with peter! because i find it really interesting how steven reacts to deaths in general honestly and how it differs based on circumstances.

for one, prior to him becoming a phoney, there's how he reacts to henry's murders. one thing that always stands out to me is that his priority is mentioning henry has effectively disrupted the workflow and killed paying customers more than it is... y'know... henry murdered children. while i do think he definitely feels stressed and upset about the fact Kids Died in some form, his main way of expressing this is through a corporate lens, and it's always given me the impression that even before becoming a phoney, steven was kind of firm on company policies. it's probably a part of why steven sticks so hard with his scott identity and refuses to let it go, even begging jack to not make him remember his own name, compared to harry, who is reluctant and doesn't consider harry as himself but overall is more willing to accept he isn't scott, at least. regardless of how much steven remembers of his past life at any given point, the AI kind of works all too well with his existing identity, so of course even when his real personality shows it just kinda... blends.

and then there's peter's death! we hear of this from one of the company logs in dsaf3, but we also get to see the aftermath of peter dying and steven sending him off in a cutscene seen in the dsaf marionn-ending. steven treats this as natural of a progression as harry does with steven's death, joy of creation, etc etc. however, as steven is leaving, he apologizes to peter, saying he hopes peter can come to forgive him. and that's WILD !!! because that is almost for sure not what phone guys should be doing -- as far as they seem to be programmed, this should be what they want, given harry doesn't apologize to steven on screen and also advocates for phoney-fying the springlocked employee in dsaf3 if you get that cutscene (i need to trigger the scene for myself so i can show screenshots. maybe sometime this week). we get further confirmation that phone guys shouldn't be discussing the phoney-ing process in the notes on steven's recording about peter's death, given it literally says steven was decommissioned for that -- i personally headcanon he wasn't actually but like. regardless. steven defied company policy over this death specifically and then shoved the RAT suit in a backroom where nobody was allowed to go near it. so his feelings on this are clearly a lot stronger than they were in life or than they are in any subsequent deaths. it's so interesting.

lastly we come back to what i can pull from dsaf1 (well... one of the things. i have thoughts and interpretations on some of the sillier stuff too)! which is when steven finds the bloody suits and immediately hops straight to figuring out how to cover it up. it's practically instinct for him to sweep it all under the rug, and he very easily picks jack and hesitates not in the slightest at executing a plan to make this all go smoothly. he expresses some pretty intense emotions about this in the flipside's layer 3 so it's probably safe to say this was something that was weighing on him a lot, or at the least he's reasonably surprised jack would try to save him when it's something that he feels was so awful, but steven still shows no hesitation in the follow through when he's actually doing it. he never apologizes or pauses the way he does when sending peter to the factory, he just... does it. it's how the world works, to him. and the phoney process is part of this, too, but clearly he exhibits some degree of hesitancy over it. i don't have many deep thoughts on what this distinction means presently, it's just curious.

overall for how steven typically behaves, which is uptight and too-serious at best and downright cold and aggressive in his hastiness at worst, the differing reactions he has on deaths or the notion of his OWN death are just so interesting ?? it's something i NEED to study more at some point and figure out what the distinction is beyond the potential "he is a phoney and doesnt like being one" which feels simplified given his feelings on being himself vs being scott. he's soooo interesting

[uhdrienne]

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐫 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

08. rumour mill

🌼warnings: wonwoo is sick, you almost burn down the house!

🌼 word count: ~2k

Wonwoo

The story has changed. Now it's a tale about how he's been in love with you for a while and that you got together after the car accident.

Miss Hwang and all the members of the chat group have spiraled the rumours out of control, and he feels... awkward, to say the least. The villagers don't whisper very conspicuously when you walk past, and sometimes when you see him going about town on his part-time jobs, fixing people's sinks and building them new shelves, you say hi and end it there to stop the rumour mill.

Wonwoo knows it too, because he's now decided to keep his chats slightly shorter before excusing himself. Which is why he's currently standing outside Grandma Lee's house quietly, watching as Park Chanyeol chats you up.

"This house is gorgeous," He hears Chanyeol enthuse. "The traditional feel, you know -- and with that yard! Nostalgic, and it would look insane on the show thumbnail--"

As Chanyeol yaps on about the 180-degree rule and the height of the boom mics he plans to use, Wonwoo stifles a yawn behind his palm. Not understanding any bit of film lingo is so boring, and he doesn't know how you haven't already dozed off. Well, perks of the very person being your longtime crush, he supposes.

Actually he's not sure why he thought of that.

Anyway, he skips over that part, he has work to do. He's promised to get a tarp for Chanyeol, set up accommodation, and ensure the film crew doesn't end up homeless for the next few weeks.

He walks off, but he glances back.

Park Chanyeol really is very noisy.

Wonwoo

Okay, this is getting a little ridiculous.

Delia hasn't seen much of you after work. Seungkwan and Joshua haven't seen you either, except at the weekend cleaning when you're on sweeping duty, and sometimes at village meetings when you ask them if the apples you bought are of good enough quality. He watches as Joshua explains how to tell the difference between good apples and mediocre ones.

He hasn't seen you much either. He hasn't seen you come into the coffee shop for your daily coffee run on the way to the clinic, or walking around with Delia near the lighthouse that he knows you sometimes do around 9pm.

If he wanted to guess (which he doesn't, honestly), you were probably at the team dinners which Chanyeol is apparently very generous with, or with the producer himself, hanging out at a streetside stall or something. Which is ridiculous, because with the amount you could drink, he knew you were probably not one to turn down a party when you weren't being stiff and awkward.

Which was also ridiculous in itself, because--

Wonwoo stops himself. Everything about you is ridiculous. Everything he's feeling and thinking is absolutely bat-shit crazy.

Wonwoo's never been a crazy person. He's always been perfectly rational and cheerful, a nothing-can-get-me-down kind of guy.

He is.

That night, he makes sure to completely fill up his days ahead. Back to back. And no going to the clinic.

You

"Ah, I forgot my umbrella is with Delia," You mutter as the first heavy drops of the storm start to pelt down. "I just ordered this top -- agh---"

You decide to just make a run for it when the redness of the night sky indicates that the rain won't stop anytime soon. At least, you aren't driving this time around.

"Wait! Y/N!"

"Chanyeol?"

"What're you doing out -- you hate the rain. Get under here."

"Uh... thanks! It's late, shouldn't you get ready for filming in a couple days?"

"Last-minute checks on Grandma's house to make sure all's good." He grins. "But it's good that the weather is cooling a bit. Easier for us to film."

He shelters you with the umbrella as he takes you to your door.

"Oh, you're back -- hey, Producer." Wonwoo's leaning against the wall near your door, with no umbrella, and water starting to drip off his backpack.

"Chief Jeon!" You call over the sound of the rain as you near him. "Get under here, you told me you're more prone to colds --"

"It's okay," Wonwoo refuses, his face changing a little bit as he looks at you two. "I just wanted to drop this off." He ducks his head under the umbrella and hands you a brown paper bag which you accept, absolutely bewildered.

"What's this?"

"Fruits!" He has to raise his voice to be heard over the rain now. "Grandma Lee said to pass you some clementines since she said you liked them during the village meeting."

"Oh!" You lean in to take a look, but look up to shoot him a stern gaze. "Why'd you stay in the rain? You'll fall sick."

He snickers. "It's just a little rain. I have to patrol the roads up ahead to make sure all's good anyway. The rain here gets bad, and we can't have any more accidents happening."

"Wait!" Chanyeol calls as Wonwoo makes to leave. "I can go with you, we can share the umbrella. Don't fall sick trying to work so hard, Chief. Y/N, can you go on in--"

"Yeah, of course, don't worry about me -- Wonwoo, go with him, you'll be sheltered at least--"

"Hey," Wonwoo interjects, a half-smile appearing on his face. "Thanks for asking. I'll be fine, really. Producer, get Miss Doctor safely in the house, okay?" He raises his hand in farewell and darts off before you can say anything else.

"Chief Jeon--"

You look up the way he's going, a frown on your face.

"Happy first day of filming," You smile slightly as Chanyeol startles and turns to face you, his signature grin on full display.

"Hey there, thanks!" He says happily. "You'll stick around for the day?"

"Can't," You grimace. "I have work. But let me know how it goes, yeah?"

"Sure!" he waves. "Have a good day. Right I was about to ask, do you, by chance, want to --"

A loud cough and a clear of the throat interrupts and you both turn. It's Wonwoo trudging in your direction. Well, if the man underneath a pale complexion and eye bags is Wonwoo, at least.

"Damn, Chief Jeon," Chanyeol gapes. "Are you...good?"

"Splendid. The weather's good," Wonwoo replies, trying to nod but slowing it down, no doubt because of his throbbing head.

You march to him and press your hand on his forehead. "Hey. You're burning up!"

"Shhh, softer." He mutters. "My head hurts."

"Hey, man, take a day off," Chanyeol says, clearly distressed that his newfound right-hand man is ill. "We can deal with stuff over here. Uh, I can't send you home, but--"

"I can." You sling his arm over your shoulder, clicking your tongue as Wonwoo grumbles no. "No complaints. House call. We'll get going, Chanyeol."

"Yeah-- yeah!" Chanyeol pats Wonwoo on the shoulder. "Rest. Get well soon, okay?"

Wonwoo mutters something intelligible in response as you try to heave him away as gently as possible. The villagers are already staring, but it's the last thing on your mind.

"Hey, Chief Jeon?" You ask cautiously as you move. "Can you tell me roughly how to get to your house?"

His voice is all droopy and quiet, but you make out a few vague directions of "You're insufferable... left, up...ahead, and to the right..."

After the trip to his house takes double the time it usually would, given that he's already shaky on his own two legs and you have to move slowly, you try your best to tuck him entirely onto his sofa and look around for a comforter.

As you take his temperature, you survey his house. It's the first time you've ever been in his home, and it's the stark opposite of yours: the books are neatly shelved, his belongings exactly where they should be. There's a cozy, worn feeling to it like it's been lived in for a long time. Photo frames decorate the shelves, with books and small decorations, seemingly made of wood, arranged neatly.

You hear a groan, and you turn to see Wonwoo wincing as he tries to sit up. You sigh. "Don't get up. You took meds or ate today?"

"No," He grumbles, clearly put out by his current situation.

"Right, okay," You reply. "Can Mrs Woo send porridge over, or should I go buy some from her?"

"No chance," He mumbles, still trying to detangle his feet from the comforter you threw over him. "Jiwoo has a school play, she shut up shop for the day to see it."

You pause for a moment. "Okay...you've got rice in here?"

"Yeah....why..?"

"I'll make you something to eat with your meds. Back to sleep. Give me a while."

He sighs. "Don't bother. It's fine. I'll eat later with my meds. Off you go, shoo."

"Doctor's orders," You retort, and he groans in frustration, which almost makes you chuckle. "Rice is in the second drawer. Please don't burn my house down."

You almost (?) don't make edible porridge.

In your defence, the pot was small and the fire on the stove wasn't supposed to be that big. You're not sure if rice can be burnt, and can only hope that the salt and sauces you put in there at least salvage it a little.

Wonwoo is completely knocked out when you reach the living room, and you decide not to wake him up since he clearly needs the rest. You tuck the comforter under his chin again and get a tray of porridge ready, along with the meds you find.

After you put it on the table, you scribble a note and stick it to the table, and then turn to look at him.

He looks....cute. His hair is ruffled, his face soft in slumber, and he looks peaceful and undisturbed.

You sigh. "So you are a little cute when you have to be, huh?"

You lean over and brush the hair out of his eyes, and he lets out a soft sound and leans into your touch, like a cat.

Quietly, you stroke his hair, and after a few moments, he seems satisfied and stills again, evidently falling back into deep sleep.

A small pang comes to your heart, because he seems so small, curled up on his couch and sleeping off his fever.

Before you know what you're doing, you lean over and kiss his forehead.

And you then proceed to grab your things and run out of the house, in utter shock.

Fuck.

You just kissed Jeon Wonwoo.

Wonwoo

When he stirs, the house is quiet.

Wonwoo gets out of his comforter, yawning and massaging his neck from the awkward position he just came out of.

He spots the tray on the table, and he chuckles before reaching for the bowl. "She really did make food."

He spoons some out and takes a bite. "Oh, wow."

Then swallows it and muses, "How do you mess porridge up so badly?"

He picks up the Post-it note. "Eat it and then have your meds. Get well soon and don't skip meals. Call if you need anything."

Despite his drowsiness and the horrendous porridge, he finds it in him to smile.

Well, he thinks later as he stands to bring his empty bowl to the kitchen, at least you washed the dishes.

BONUS

"The clementines are fresh today," Grandma Lee tells him. "You take some home, got it?"

"Ah, got it, Grandma," Wonwoo says, before grinning at her. "Save more for yourself. I can always get more later."

She smiles back at him. "Don't forget to get more, then. They go stale really quickly. Right. That reminds me, I should ask Y/N to get some. She liked them during the village meeting, right?"

Wonwoo feels a little more alert at the mention of you. "Hm? Did she?"

"Yeah," Grandma Lee says. "Hm, maybe I should bring a bag to her house? She's busy nowadays."

"Ah, I'll do it," Wonwoo says, helping to pick some out and pack them. "It's tiring to make the trip, I've got it covered."

Grandma Lee beams at him in thanks, and Wonwoo applauds himself for seeming normal enough.

It's not like he's there to do anything more than be a friend anyway. It's not like he's going to have a chat with you, make sure you're not too busy with that noisy producer.

Definitely not.

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐫 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥

🌼 summary: going back to the countryside where you grew up was at the bottom of your list. unexpectedly, your life changes course, and you eventually find your home in weekly village cleaning, the sound of the waves, and with the local jack-of-all-trades, jeon wonwoo.

🌼 pairing: wonwoo x reader fic (written, fluff, angst, hometown chachacha!inspired)

🌼 genre(s): fluff, mild angst, yn can be mean sometimes at the start (this is inspired by the kdrama hometown cha-cha-cha, so some parts of the plot and characters are similar), wonwoo is an overall sweetheart

ch.08: rumour mill

prev. masterlist. next.

🌼 taglist: @gaslysainz @lev1hei1chou @mingycr

writer's note: ok so i was originally planning to make her mad about the rumours BUT 👆 i decided that it wouldn't fit in anymore since number one: she's getting along better with wonwoo and everyone else, and number two: it's high time she had a bit of character development cos there is a fine line between being snappish and being an ass! thank you for readinggg~

btw i love chanyeol and everything exo too and i just felt chanyeol was perfect for the golden retriever film producer role :"

[codenamesazanka]

absolutely insane to me that Deku went and saved Shigaraki without a single thought about him and his situation. and it was justified. I know it's supposed to be brave and heroic and admirable, that he just ran head first into 'wanting to save that crying child', and in some ways it is, but it just. weird how we barely get any reflection or inner thoughts about it from him.

it's not like he was facing any strong opposition to saving Shigaraki - no questions of 'but shigaraki is dangerous, is this the moral thing to do, does he deserve this, why focus on him and no one else, why do you feel so strongly about this, if you hadn't seen that crying child then what?', so it wasn't even like he was shrugging off those hard answers. Ignoring naysayers and obstacles. Powering through with an iron will. Didn't need to address it! 'I wanna save that crying child'.

Even Shigaraki asks him, via the memories of Stain and Overhaul and ReDestro. But Deku just says 'no!' and that's that.

Ultimately the answer we get is 'he just wants to relieve Shigaraki's pain, he believes everyone has the same hearts'... but that motivation doesn't even come from him in the form of a shonen protag shout proclamation. Someone else has to do it for him?????

And that reasoning is nice and all! but it's so easy to bring up examples like Muscular, or AFO, and wonder if he thinks they have the same heart too, and wouldn't he want to help them as well? And because like I said above, he's never challenged on this, he never elaborates on why he might save Shigaraki but not Muscular, it makes the 'same heart' creed vague. it makes it feels like either some people actually don't have the same hearts because they're innately evil, or he needs to see them cry before he wants to help. or, idk, they did stuff so evil their hearts doesn't matter any more. Shigaraki did that too, evil stuff, but what separates Shigaraki from them is The Crying Child. And so good thing AFO has never shed real tears even as a baby (because he's innately evil).

admittedly it's really only when the societal angle was at play in Shigaraki Tomura's development that those questions are relevant, so now that it's revealed AFO plotted everything, none of that really matters. Questions of what is deserved, whether it's right to save this guy who wants to annihilate entire islands, if he even should be paying attention to villains - all rendered irrelevant. AFO was behind all of Shigaraki's actions, so the questions can't be applied to him, he was a puppet victim, so Deku was right to want to save him.

head empty, only 'save shigaraki'. and then—'head empty' justified, because none of the issues surrounding Shigaraki was real; 'head empty' justified, because things like 'what creates victims? what turns them into villains? why are they doing what they're doing' doesn't matter. AFO was behind it all.

Yeah, yeah, I know other people that addressed the non-AfO-caused issues. But that's the thing. other heroes addressed it. Not Deku. Shouldn't he have been part of addressing it, since he wants to be the greatest hero??? Oh, but maybe it's better if he doesn't, because then he won't be a pillar? the work is shared?

idk. Just doesn't work for me. must be working for other people though, and I'm jealous.

also. this all makes moments like at the mall and Jaku, where Shigaraki was essentially point blank giving away his damage - All Might smiling like there's no one he can't save, Heroes sweep pain under the rug - terrible in retrospect cuz like. he just ignored Shigaraki. You might say that what Shigaraki said was too vague for Deku to make out, but it's really not. literally, "All Might smiles because he thinks there's no one he can't save" is just overflowing with resentment, and in Jaku Shigaraki looked like this:

beseeching to the heavens.

It's not quite that Deku sees pain and wants to relieve it in general, else he would've wanted to help Shigaraki from the start. It has to be in the form of someone super sympathetic. the crying child.

I guess I have to hand it to him that once he finally does feel sympathy, Deku will stop at nothing to want to save.

I just think that's a terrible pre-requisite.

[tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang]

Land me your wisdom how to defeat Kawata twins, Shinichiro (we all saw he is strong), Kazutora and Sanzu?

Well with the twins, the most important part of fighting them is to not fight both at the same time. With both of them (but esp Angry) they're just going to get more fired up the more they see their brother get hurt, and that's something you should avoid. Smiley seems to be the impulsive fighter, which can lead to mistakes and him missing things. We know his ankle got hurt in the battle 8/3 which could potentially indicate a weak spot or an area he tends to leave unprotected during a fight. Where as we know Angry tends to read moves when he fights then react, so you'd want to attack swiftly and not in an obvious pattern, make yourself unreadable. He also dislikes fighting in general so likely won't want to fight you or put his whole force into it.

Shinichiro is canonically weak when fighting, the only times we see him being stronger are when he beat those guys up when he was angry and had a dark impulses kinda vibe, and when he saw him dent the metal. But physical strength does not always mean strength in fights. Shinichiro is physically strong but said to be weak in fights (most likely he either holds himself back or isn't great with techniques but there is no canon answer for this). So he shouldn't be too difficult to beat, we haven't seen him in a normal fight though so it's hard to say what his weaknesses would be. He is very caring though, I could see him getting distracted by his friends and if they're ok or fighting very cleanly and being vulnerable to dirty tricks.

Kazutora has strong punches so those are what you want to avoid most, though you also need to beware that he isn't against using a weapon. He also seems to put a bit of thought into his fights and plan things out. He also seems to get a little emotional in fights and is a bit of a sore loser. Avoiding his punches until he gets tired or frustrated enough to start making mistakes seems to be the best way to defeat him.

The most important thing about fighting Sanzu is to either do it when he's unarmed or to unarm him yourself, especially if it's his katana. You 100% do not want to engage with him when he's armed. The other thing is to not be a threat to Mikey, Sanzu's main determination is protecting Mikey, therefore he's likely to fight harder and put more effort into people who are a threat to Mikey. So make it clear that he's the one you're going against, not Mikey. When Sanzu doesn't have a weapon, he seems to rely heavily on his fists, he seems to have a lot more upper body strength then lower body and focus his attacks through his upper body. Therefore aiming for his lower body, perhaps trying to sweep his legs would probably be the best way of defeating him.

[umbreonkin197]

Journal of a Questioning Otherkin (Entry 8)

It's been a little bit since I've written. I'm slowly starting to meet other therians/Otherkin who I feel like I can relate to, but it's still been rough.

There are moments where I feel affirmed in this identity of mine, like when my partner pets me and treats me like a puppy. But the overwhelming majority of the time is just dysphoria or self doubt. When does it get better? Does it ever get easier to just allow myself to exist? To find comfort in what I am?

Another thing Ive been struggling with is just nailing down what exactly my Therian/Otherkin identities are. So far I have two that I'm fairly confident in, Umbreon and Wolf, but even that already feels like I'm starting to push the envelope of what a therian "should be". I realize that it's reductive to hold myself to that sort of standard but I still feel self conscious about it regardless.

But then I start having questions, thoughts, inclinations that I have a hard time explaining through the lens of those existing identities. On one hand I think there might be more? But I'm scared, I don't want to come off as someone fake or pretending or misinterpreting something I just enjoy to be an entire identity.

For example, I've been having a lot of strong feelings about possibly being a kobold, to the point where I'm thinking that might be a part of me too, but then how far do I push it? What about things like Eevee? What about a braixen or a riolu or several other things that I've been thinking about? The more things that get added to the list, the worse the impostor syndrome gets, because how could I possibly even be all of these things?

But on the flip side, if it makes me happy and feels right, does it matter? I get so caught up in needing to be correct that I feel like it's hard for me to accept those things even if they are true.

Maybe I'm a cladotherian? But at the same time, I don't feel this broad sweeping generalization of canid identity, there are more specific creatures in that which I feel drawn to, so I don't know. Maybe I really am a polytherian. Or maybe I just haven't found the right thereotype yet and all these feelings will make sense once I just do a bit more research.

I know there's technically no harm in being wrong and changing my mind later if I find something that suits me more, but I'm so scared of being wrong. I'm so scared of being seen as something I'm not, even though I really shouldn't care what others think of me, even if it genuinely makes me happy.

I just don't know what I should do. I don't know what I want. I don't know how to grapple with these feelings. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel confused.

I wish I could love myself as I am.

That's all for tonight. Thank you for listening.

- Bre