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inkpot909 · 1 year ago

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Fluff Alphabet: Jotaro Kujo

↳ Reader is written as gender neutral and was previously a part of the trip to Egypt.

A/n: I’ve always wanted to write an alphabet list! And who better to write one for than my favorite marine biologist? I hope y’all enjoy and remember to take care of yourselves. <3

Warning(s): A blink-and-you’ll-miss-it innuendo. Mentions of blood and canon-typical swearing. Very light angst.

(A)ffection - How affectionate is he? How does he show affection?

Let’s face it, the phrases “Jotaro Kujo” and “lovey-dovey” don’t mix.

He didn’t rank high on the affectionate scale, at least, not at the beginning of your relationship.

Instead of being openly affectionate, his main method of expressing his feelings during the beginning was to spend lots of quality time with you. Attached at the hip, he followed you around everywhere.

Another way he expressed his affection was by… introducing or referring to you as his boyfriend/girlfriend?

You still remember the first time you’d met his mother. He brought you home one day, standing a good foot or two to your left. His arms were firmly planted in his pockets, while you awkwardly had to listen to him bluntly say “This is who I’m dating.”

That was his idea of romance.

Jotaro’s come a long way since; it’s a matter of time for him. Quality time is still a large part of his love language, no question, but after settling into the relationship he’ll get the hang of it.

Specifically, he’s more knowledgeable on what you like best and that will certainly shine through in his actions.

This is especially true in private, where he’ll show a side of himself that’s genuinely sweet and more inclined to be physically affectionate.

(B)eauty - What does he admire about you? What does he think is beautiful about you?

Your personal drive and motivations are two things he deeply admires about you!

Specifically, your passions make you incredibly special in his eyes. And this is true regardless of where those motivations lie. If you are passionate in your career, or even about your hobbies, he’ll be sure to take notice.

Whether it’s the way your face lights up when the topic is even slightly mentioned, or the expression of complete focus when knee-deep in whatever it is that compels you to move forward, it can honestly leave him speechless.

He’s a great support as well. Vocally and bluntly expressing a unwavering belief in you. He does this more often if you harbor any insecurities towards your passions as well.

Physically speaking, he adores your eyes the most.

The amount of times he’s drowned himself in the vast ocean contained within your irises is uncountable. It’s grounding, comforting, and will likely never fail to make his heart flutter.

His staring is a constant in your relationship. During the platonic stage, the beginning of you dating, and all throughout your years of marriage.

(C)omfort - How would he help you when feeling down/having a panic attack/etc.?

Much like with displaying affection, Jotaro’s going to be rather shit at this in the beginning.

Where it differs, however, is that his attempts at making you feel better were likely the first signs of his deeper feelings towards you.

As the journey to Egypt developed, so did both of your understanding of one another. Namely, he was rather curt and dismissive towards you initially. This behavior probably led you to try and avoid him, whether it was done shyly or with a more vocal pushback against his actions.

Regardless, stand attacks were the catalyst of you realizing he actually cares for you. More specifically, during the fight against Steely Dan. It didn’t matter to him that Joseph’s life was on the line, if the bastard so much as got to close, you were having to hold Jotaro back from becoming violent.

Comforting you while dealing with mental or emotional hurtles is something he approaches far more awkwardly.

When you first began going out, he would grow silent and sit next to you as you let out your emotions. He’s always been a good listener, certainly, but that was pretty much it.

As he matures, he’ll find the- although limited -right words to say. Not only that, but if you want to cling to him, feel free to do so.

If you’re going through a panic attack, his response depends on the situation. If it’s during/because of a battle, he leaves comforting you to someone else while he dives head-first into the fight.

If it’s not during such a dire situation, he will pull you close (unless it’s already been made clear that will only heighten your distress).

Jotaro will encourage you to meet his gaze, and follow his deep breaths as best you can. He will always be calm, and prioritizes you relaxing before discussing the source of your panic attack after the fact.

(D)ance - Does he like to dance with you? How good of a dancer is he?

No way in hell.

It won’t matter how many times you, whine, beg, or bargain. The most you’ll ever get from him is the tapping of his foot or gentle nod of his head in the car.

Try not to take it personally!

In general, Jotaro just doesn’t dance. It’s not for him. He doesn’t even know if he’s got naturally good rhythm (he doesn’t) because he just… never does it.

The first time you ever danced with him is on your wedding day.

Marrying the love of your life in of itself is enough to make your heart swell. But the fact that he danced with you, in front of friends and family no less, made the ceremony magical. And his steady movements, as well as how tenderly he held you to him, took your breath away.

The fact that he asked his mother to show him how to slow dance, practicing for weeks beforehand, is something he’s taking to the grave.

(E)xcitement - How does he act when he’s excited? What excites him?

The world must’ve stopped turning; the sun is falling down from the sky. Pigs are outside flying through the air as if they’ve been doing so for centuries.

Jotaro Kujo’s smiling unprompted.

No, seriously, you can tell he’s anticipating something when the tiniest of smiles plays on his lips for no immediate reason. Generally, he also seems less annoyed at the world when he’s feeling excited.

Those are good enough indicators on their own, but there’s also the fact that he talked your ear off about whatever it is he’s looking forward to the night prior.

“Talked your ear off,” by the way, translates to mumbling out no more than four sentences on the matter.

If you were anyone else, they likely wouldn’t notice a difference. But you do, knowing Jotaro better than he knows himself at times.

Achievements and advancements within his career is what often excites him as an adult. A rare visit from an old-friend such as Polnareff is also bound to put him in a good mood. And finally returning home from a long trip away is bound to make his eyes shine.

When he was still a young delinquent, these reactions were policed to the point where he hardly expressed such things in front of you. But after mellowing out, it’s heartwarming to see more genuine displays of his emotions.

(F)uture - What are his plans for the future? Does he see himself getting married, having kids?

Before you, even getting into a romantic relationship wasn’t on his mind at all.

So it’s more likely that you’re the first to bring things up like marriage or children, then he’ll begin to seriously consider it. If he realizes his wants and needs for the future on his own, you’re still what’s going to be on his mind front and center.

For him, his mind is focused on one thing at a time.

After marrying, he’ll one day think to himself, Huh, usually the next step is having kids. Then he’ll contemplate it, wondering if that’s what he wants.

Jotaro’s the type of individual that never saw such a thing for himself out of youthful disinterest.

But as he grew up and found his relationship with you to be the most important thing in his life, he discovered he truly does wish to have a nuclear family.

It scares him a little, even with your ability as a stand user.

He knows all too well that there are plenty of people that want his head for the conflict in Egypt. It’s something you both have invested a lot of time in investigating side-by-side.

But at the end of the day, his trust in you and knowledge that you’re more powerful as a unit that eventually pushes those worries out of the picture.

And ultimately, what’s important to you becomes important to him. So, although he certainly comes to envision settling down and having a family with you, how you feel on the matter is the final word in his eyes.

(G)ifts - What does he give you as presents? How often does he give gifts?

Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day and anniversaries is pretty much the only time he gives gifts.

Despite not doing it often, he’s attentive enough and knows you to the point where he’s become quite good at it. He’s not afraid to spend a generous amount of money on you either.

And what his gifts lack in frequency, he certainly makes up for in memory.

Jotaro Kujo never forgets a date. The thought of reminding him doesn’t ever pass through your brain because he’s so consistent with it.

He smartly plans ahead on top of that. Meaning, even if he orders you a gift to be delivered to the house, it will always arrive on time. And if it doesn’t, it’s never on him that it didn’t.

(H)old - How does he hold you? Cuddling, sleeping, holding hands…

Holding hands has long been his preferred (and only) form of PDA.

Especially when you were younger and still dating, it was a statement to everyone around you. That yes, you’re both taken and happy to be together.

By the time you both mature into the relationship, it’s already an established habit. Now, he simply does it because he loves you and is happily aquatinted with your fingers intertwined with his.

Yes, part of him still wants everyone to know. But he cares a lot less about his reputation at this point in his life.

When cuddling, he mainly likes holding you close to him rather than it being the other way around. Having your head rest on his chest provides him a sense of comfort that’s irreplaceable.

That said, there are times when he’d like to lean on you or plant his head in your lap. It’s usually after a long, stressful day that he’ll seek out such a thing.

After dinner is usually time for you both to curl up, snuggled together in front of the TV. During the weekend, when neither of you are busy, you’ll find yourselves clinging to each other during the afternoon as well.

He doesn’t much care for cuddling you in bed, though. Jotaro likes to stretch out in his sleep and not be locked into on position the whole night.

“I cuddled with you all day, why would you need me to do it now when I’m trying to sleep?”

Although, if you’ve had a particularly rough day or if you haven’t seen one another for a while, he’ll bring you into his arms at night. Bending his legs forward, he’ll tangle them with yours as he spoons you.

(I)deal - What’s his ideal date like?

Heh, any date with you is ideal, babyboy/babygirl.

Jokes aside, he really doesn’t give a shit.

Planning dates with him may make you want to pull your hair out. He doesn’t care- whatever you want to do works for him.

You want to go out to eat? Fine with him, he’s getting hungry anyways. Want to go watch a movie? No problem; he’ll even pay for your ticket. Or would you rather stay in, curl up together in bed reading beside one another? Perfect, as long as he’s sitting close.

Jotaro doesn’t really understand why you may grow sick of always having to pick, and you’ll likely have to explain it to him.

Whenever he does make plans, it’s almost always something you’ve done together before and therefore is confident you’ll enjoy yourself.

His one no-go for a date is going to an amusement park.

Everything is way overpriced, the lines are too long, and the obnoxious kids littered around the place will set back his desire to have children for years.

(J)ealousy - Does he get jealous easily? How does he handle it?

When you were dating- absolutely.

Not only was he a little more insecure about the future of your relationship, but he also felt the need to keep up his tough-guy persona.

It has always been extremely rare for him to get violent due to jealousy, though.

Instead, he grew dangerously quiet and wrapped an arm around your shoulders protectively.

That said, he wasn’t ever opposed to getting violent. If it ever got to the point where someone was explicitly hitting on you in front of him, one glance at the uncomfortable look on your face, and he’s not afraid to start throwing around vague threats.

In adulthood, and once married, he feels less inclined to posture.

If someone’s hitting on you, he’s more likely to approach the situation calmly and make a point to introduce himself as your husband.

Having a naturally intimidating face doesn’t often lead to others pushing it.

And when he gets jealous in later years, he’s simply going to wait patiently until you get home. Not exactly grow silent like he used to, but shoot you knowing glances instead.

He waits until your both home before doing anything outright. That’s when he’ll grab your hand and lead you to the bedroom. Of course, he knows by now that you love him, but a night of reminding you how much you mean to him certainly doesn’t hurt…

(K)isses - How does he like to kiss you? How often does he kiss you?

For the first month into the relationship, he’d settle for merely kissing you on the cheek.

He’d plant one there, quickly moving away in order to tug the brim of his hat down and cover his face.

You’re likely the one to have instigated the first kiss with him. He didn’t know how to approach; didn’t know how to ask.

After that threshold was broken, he easily prefers on-the-mouth kisses.

Jotaro will still give you kisses on the cheek from time to time, especially in front of family or friends as to not push it PDA wise.

But he’ll likely give you a kiss on the mouth, even if brief, at least once a day. It’s usually after he or you arrive home from work, greeting you with the affectionate action.

Or he’ll give you a quick kiss goodnight before the both of you settle into bed.

Plus, he’s naturally always been a pretty good kisser. Talented bastard.

(L)ove - How does he show you he loves you?

By being a constant presence in your life.

“I’m here, aren’t I? Of course I love you,” he tells you, as if it’s a no-brainer.

He won’t say it out loud, but it’s not just the fact that he’s there, it’s how. Jotaro is very much a show rather than tell type of man.

Acts of service is the primary love language he expresses.

He does your laundry for you unprompted, and in fact, takes care of a lot of the household duties without you needing to ask. He knows you very well, and thus takes care of tasks you know you’ll appreciate not having to do.

He doesn’t make a point of it either. Jotaro rarely boasts about doing such things, and often you’re left to find out on your own.

His deep trust in you is also a way you know he loves you.

With knowing one another for as long as you have, the bond is impossibly strong. Jotaro doesn’t think twice before informing you about his struggles, big or small. Not because he expects you to solve all his problems, but because he values transparency.

(M)elt - What do you do that absolutely makes him melt?

When you respond to his emotions without him needing to say a word, Jotaro’s heart warms.

This once again ties in with how well you know each other.

You’re so good at reading him that he sometimes tricks himself into thinking you may be able to read his mind.

He mentioned it once offhandedly, not even meaning to say it out loud. You’re lighthearted reaction was a little embarrassing for him, but it’s a cherished memory for you.

Not only that, but the fact that you get along seamlessly with his mother honestly brings him a sense of joy he cannot describe.

The only thing he can to think to say on the matter is that family’s important to him. The implication of the statement is implied: You being able to get along with his mother and extended family as well has him melting on the spot.

Bonus points if you’re good with kids too. Namely because Jotaro… is not.

(N)icknames - What does he call you, and what does he like being called?

Not really one for giving pet names, he simply calls you by your name or a preferred nickname.

On rare occasions, when he’s feeling particularly teasing or playful, he’ll call you ‘honey.’ Those moments are few and far between, though.

Other than that, it’s usually just your name he sticks with.

After growing up, and especially after receiving his degree, not many people still refer to him as JoJo. He doesn’t think much of the transition, but he does like it if you still call him JoJo from time to time.

It reminds him of your longtime bond; the nostalgic foundation of friendship you share.

If you like using pet names for him, he’ll roll his eyes and pretend as if he doesn’t like it. That said, he greatly appreciates it if you refer to him by name in front of others or in a serious situation.

(O)bvious - How obvious does he make it that he likes you?

When he was simply harboring a crush on you, it was not at all obvious.

Back during the trip to Egypt, Jotaro’s developing crush went unnoticed. Not even his own grandfather could tell. Hell, Jotaro himself couldn’t even really recognize it at first. It went unnoticed by everyone.

Well, everyone except Kakyoin.

It puts a strain on Jotaro’s heart, remembering it was Kakyoin that first noticed his feelings for you.

The redhead was very respectful about it, but still felt the need to stick his nose in Jotaro’s business in private. Despite him denying the crush up and down, Kakyoin’s encouragement still got to him a bit in the end.

During rough nights, where the past is painfully kept in the front of his mind, Jotaro wonders if him becoming just a little more obvious with his affection for you is done in part as some sort of way to prove himself to his departed friend.

(P)ets - Does he have pets? Does he want them?

Jotaro is so the definition of someone who swears up and down he doesn’t want a pet, yet ultimately ends up loving one unconditionally.

If you want one, he’ll dig his heels into the dirt for months. He’s too busy, you’re too busy… all prepackaged excuses for why it wouldn’t be a good idea.

But you eventually convince him to get one, the stoic man finally relenting with a long sigh.

He prefers dogs over any other kind of pet, so if that’s what you want, it’ll be slightly easier to convince him.

Without ever even trying to do so, it’s him who becomes the pet’s favorite.

The closeness is what leads him to giving in and only admitting to himself that he likes the pet. He’ll never admit it to you (as if you can’t tell); far too stubborn for his own good.

Jotaro has a one-pet-at-a-time policy, though. That’s nonnegotiable.

(Q)uiet - How are the calm, quiet moments with him?

To be honest, it’s a staple of your relationship.

Jotaro finally considered it love once fully wrapping his head around the fact that neither of you felt the need to always be making conversation with one another.

Comfortable silence is cherished by him. Whether you’ve always been the same, or come to have understood that with time, the fact that you’ve come to embrace that aspect of his personality led him to opening himself up to you more during conversations.

Quieter moments occur a lot during the weekend, when there’s no work and only relaxing. You also just enjoy each other’s company without much talking when getting ready for bed.

Sometimes, he doesn’t even say goodnight to you.

Instead, he gently tugs a few strands of hair from your face and cups your jaw momentarily. A gentle glimmer within his pupils reveal much more than any words could express.

The quietness and tranquility present in a lot of the time you spend together is part of his assessment in realizing you were the one.

(R)omance - How romantic is he? What is his go-to ways of being romantic?

…Romantic? Jotaro…?

He’s really responsive to your preferences in romance. Well, depending on how you present them.

He’s no mind-reader and not exactly the best at observing others. Remember the Yellow Temperance arc? Yeah… he’s not exactly a detective. If you want him to take a different approach in how romantic he is, subtly nudging him in the right direction isn’t going to work.

Instead, telling him directly what it is you like is much easier for him to wrap his head around. Jotaro never takes such comments personally, seeing as being upfront is preferable for him.

A year or two into the relationship, and he’s much better acquainted with what you like best.

Confident he understands you well, it naturally brings out a more romantic side of him. He’s only deeply observant with those closest to him (think Holly), so once you both reach that point, it brings out a surprisingly sweeter side of him.

(S)afe - What makes him feel safe and comfortable around you?

Once again, it’s got a lot to do with your history together.

Jotaro knows he can rely on you. He’s been keenly aware of your reliability since the late 80s.

Safety for Jotaro means tranquility, and a deep sense of comfort- along with a familiar environment. You provide him these warm feelings; seemingly just by your very presence.

When the two of you are at home together, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, he’s perfectly content. Simply glancing in your direction grounds him, and can calm buried anxieties.

That’s all he really needs to feel safe: You.

Visiting Morioh turns out to be a far more long and arduous task than either of you originally expected. But with you at his side, Jotaro rarely felt himself getting too worked up.

Spending late nights together at the hotel was all he needed to reset his brain, able to start the next day without much complaint over spending his time with unruly teenagers.

(T)end - How does he act when you’re hurt/sick, and vise versa?

If anyone hurts you, they may as well count their days. It doesn’t necessarily matter if you’re assertive all on your own; Jotaro’s going to have something (at the very least) to say.

Hell, knowing him, if someone’s troubling you all he usually has to do is look in their general direction. His entire demeanor gives off the impression of “Don’t fuck with me” and he’s all for standing up for you.

Even during the trip to Egypt, he seemed much looser with his grip on his temper when you were put into the line of fire.

If you’re sick, Jotaro’s surprisingly doting.

He’s extremely adamant that you stay home and rest up. Any reason you may have to get out of bed he’ll take care of himself without question.

If he can’t be there to take care of you (likely due to work), he’ll call once or twice while he’s gone just to check in on how you’re doing.

It’s quite ironic, considering how he acts when hurt or sick.

“I’m not sick,” he’ll insist in a scratchy voice, despite a reddened face and clearly runny nose.

“I’m fine.” Yeah, sure, Jotaro. Never mind the deep gash actively gushing blood all over his left arm.

Attempts to take care of him in anyway will be met with pushback, no matter how old he gets.

One reminder of how much he babies you when you’re feeling unwell is all it usually takes for him to begrudgingly accept your offer to help.

He’ll be silent throughout, but his refusal to look you in the eye is a dead giveaway that he secretly likes being taken care of every now and then.

(U)nique - What’s an unusual thing about him that’s oddly charming?

“JoJo… do you need something?”

“No.”

“Then why’re you staring at me?”

“I’m not.”

“You’ve been looking at me for the past ten minutes!”

(V)ariety - Does he prefer to keep the same routine, or spice things up?

Jotaro is a creature of habit.

He certainly likes to keep a usual routine. Having a familiar structure makes him feel comfortable and as though his life is maintaining stability.

Too many surprises or shocking events happening at once is at best annoying for him, and downright unnerving at worst.

He is a little conscious of this aspect of himself; part of him worries you may grow board of him.

That worry is unfounded, though. Especially considering something new or a shake up to the usual routine is accepted by him if you’re the one to do so. He’s so naturally considerate that he doesn’t even think of that being a factor.

Luckily for the both of you, it’s not difficult for you to ease his worries.

(W)ild Card - A random fluff headcanon

Jotaro’s a big fan of manga and usually invests his free time in catching up on his favorite series’s anime incarnations.

He’s been reading Shonen since he was young, and that interest carries over into his adult years.

Jotaro will certainly sit you down and make ask you to watch his some of his favorite anime with him. Saturday afternoons is his favorite time to curl up next to you on the couch and watch for a few hours.

Definitely the type to always sneak peaks at your reactions out of the corner of his eye. He hardly is the type to speak during a show or movie, but is glad to discuss with you after the fact. Please, discuss with him after the fact.

If you’re also into manga and anime before meeting him, he’s internally overjoyed. However, he is a bit critical.

Not to the point of being rude, but certainly dismissive of it at first if your tastes don’t exactly align with his. Jotaro has taste, and is quite proud of his selections. It may come off as a bit elitist… because it is.

He loosens up with time, and may even give some of your favorites a chance. He will never admit out loud to actually liking them, even after you catch him intently watching an anime of your suggestion on his own.

(X)OXO - Is he affectionate in public? How much PDA does he show?

Despite not being too outwardly affectionate or into PDA, everyone close to him can easily tell you’re together once a relationship is formed.

Joseph cheekily goes on and on about how he “totally saw this coming” (no he didn’t). Polnareff is patting the both of you on the back with a big, goofy grin (his world is crashing around him).

When the Duwang gang first met you, the teens of the group were going mental upon the realization that… holy shit… he’s married… !?

The group’s bewilderment was mostly kept to internal struggles due to both Jotaro’s harsh expression at any question relating to how on earth he managed to marry such a lovely individual.

Josuke specifically thought he was going to have a stroke. Unlike the others, he’s much more prone to speaking his mind even after the implicit warning.

After getting over his initial shock, he’ll berate his nephew for not previously telling him about his partner.

(Y)earning - How does he cope when he’s missing you?

It takes everything in him not to call you.

He holds out the first day of you being gone. It’s no trouble that he’s cooking without your presence, not at all. Ignoring the fact that he’s eating dinner without you cheerily filling him in on your day is no problem. Getting ready for bed alone is no big deal.

Yeah… definitely.

Jotaro will lay himself down in bed, facing your usually taken up side. He’ll find his hand reaching out m at the empty space, fingers curling around the sheets. A frown finds its way onto his tired face.

He’s calling you the next day. And after finally caving, he’s sure to give you a call each day or every other day after that.

Past events has made him wary of being separated from you for too long. And even though he logically knows he’s fussing over nothing, he still cannot help but cave to the small worry growing in the back of his mind.

That said, it isn’t too difficult for him to distract himself from missing you.

But being alone during moments that he’d usually share with you is enough to remind him of your absence.

(Z)eal - Is he willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Yes, he will undoubtedly go to great lengths for you.

One could argue that, having been a part of the Crusaders yourself, an aspect of his actions against DIO were also influenced by a desire to avenge you as well as the others.

Jotaro isn’t above getting violent in your behalf, and would certainly jump through several hoops as long as your safe.

Part of this is because there’s an unspoken mutual understanding that you’d do the same for him (and you certainly have).

But more than that, Jotaro has a small circle of individuals that he would likely do just about anything for. And after everything the both of you have been through together, you’re at the top of that list.

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dnickels · 1 year ago

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RE: 5x05. I have no idea how much I'm supposed to read into this, but that has never stopped me before:

It's VE Day. Havers is back in England. The post office, telephone system, communication infrastructure etc all still work. So where is Cap's sense of urgency coming from? He knows the full name and regiment of a serving officer, a letter will get where it needs to go, they're very good about that over there. Yes, Cap's been waiting, but its been six years, he can wait a little longer-- hang out in the bushes until he sees Haver's car drive away and bang on the window, if he insists on being an insane person (<3). Figure out where he's billeted. Japan hasn't surrendered yet, so I suppose there's a chance Havers could get shipped to Burma or something and potentially die there, but he's not going to go straight from the cocktail reception to the troop ship, especially if everyone there is about to get "Hitler defeated"-levels of drunk. ("They're all red tabs, surely decency and decorum--" they are going to roll those old soaks out of there in wheelbarrows)

The urgency isn't because Havers might die. I think Cap knew his time was short.

He's a middle aged man in tolerably good shape, all that ration food aside. He make good time on his morning jogs, and his biggest ailment is 'creaky knees'. "Widowmaker heart attack out of nowhere" isn't an unheard of COD for someone who seems otherwise fine, especially someone who has been under a fair amount of stress (six years of wartime, including the fucking Blitz would do a number on my heart) but his sudden relocation makes me pause. It's only been about a year since he got relocated away from Button House, right? What was all that about? It's presumably still requisitioned, given that they're throwing a swanky victory party there and Heather Button is nowhere to be seen, but has the weapons program been disbanded? Or was there some reason to pull the CO out of a high-stress position and send him to the beach to take potshots at seagulls? (I am being glib here-- the coast was NOT a stress-free place when you can see your enemy just across the Channel). I genuinely forget what he said he was doing in season three-- was he even still in the army at all, or did they send his ass to the Home Guard? Even they got a campaign ribbon.

I think Cap made one last push to get to the front, and while its very clear that this dingus should under no circumstances be on the front line (<3) they humored him with a medical-- and found something really troubling. Or maybe he went in of his own accord, the old flutter, or maybe it was just a routine checkup. Either way he got some very serious news, so sorry old boy, just one of those things, could be any day now-- best make sure your affairs are all in order.

Hence the single-minded desire to meet, once last time. Everyone else clearly drove-- did he walk all the way from the train station, down the country lanes? Did he feel a little short of breath scaling all those walls? Did every set-back and stressor make him more determined-- just give me a little more time, just a little more time...

It could also be that he just got yelled at so hard he died of it, which is almost certainly how I will go, but that was my immediate impression and it has not left me, nor have I known peace. I know there's a few holes in my theory but I haven't talked myself out of it yet. For me the kicker is that he experiences at least ten devastating emotions in the last moments of his life, but "surprise at entering cardiac arrest" does not appear to be one of them. It looks more like grim acceptance. Stoic in the face of death-- a soldier to the end.

#bbc ghosts #ghosts spoilers #the captain #I will be so embarrassed if I wasnt watching closely enough #and this is all explicitly text no one thought to comment on because duh #but I didn't see it in the tags and I think I might explode just thinking about it #I have mooooooooore thoughts and you will hear them!#ghosts season 5

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gallifreyianrosearkytiorsusan · 5 months ago

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Your Mercy

Author's notes: Alpharius in Living Water AU

Past =-= Next

Warnings: None that I can think of.

Summary: Words are said, choices are not entirely made, as more information is needed. The Alpha legion boys are on thin ice but can continue to meet and get to know Lana. For now.

Tagged: @barn-anon, @bleedingichorhearts, @c-u-c-koo-4-40k, @egrets-not-regrets, @kit-williams,

Tagged continued: @sleepyfan-blog, @whorety-k, @ms--lobotomy @bispecsual @thevoidscreams

Tagged continued: @i-am-a-dragon34, @gra93fruit-blog

“What does that have to do with us?” Mara asks, a claw on Lana’s shoulder, near one of her wings.

“We had heard that there had been a Rejection recently,” Zariel says, “And… wanted to see if a Bond-of-Choice could take it’s place.”

“Why did you not approach me openly and honestly?” Lana asks, feeling very hurt and betrayed and lied to by Zariel and his squad.

“That is not our way,” Zariel says. Mara frowned, not particularly liking his answer. It didn’t make sense to her.

They had been disguising themselves pretending to be Lana’s bonded and join the flock. How were they to know if his brothers have the same intent as Zariel or is some mimicry-specialist predator infiltrating her flock to cause harm.

It made Mara uneasy. Also if they wanted to see if a bond-of-choice could take the place of a rejected bond, why disguise themselves as being from the same group as the mer who rejected the bond with Lana? The old gannet thought that plan was frankly, quite foolish.

He is ignoring the expressions on the faces of the Scout-lings of other chapters and how they range from disbelieving to completely rude. They can think and feel all they like. The little shits have no idea what it’s like to be in his scales. So Zariel ignores them as best as he can, trying to speak truthfully and ignoring his training as best as he can as it screams at him to take his squad and leave.

He takes in a deep breath, “As I have said before, my squad and I mean no harm to you and yours. We have grown to care for Lana, and the Colony as a whole through getting to know you and the others.”

For some reason the squad of Primaris Space Marines are watching him with the little Raven Guard in the middle of their circle. All of them are watching, judging, waiting for a move or gesture from the Harpies to attack them. Or for him and his squad to do something that will have the Scout-lings in the right for attacking them.

He ignores the way that the Scout-ling Black Templars are growling at him and his squad, Zariel has to make sure to shoot a look at a couple of his squadmates to make sure that they are not growling or trying to posture back at the youngsters not even fifty years old.

“Silver tongued lying serpent,” Cedric hisses at the leader of the Alpha legion squad with an angry scowl.

“I am not lying at this moment in time,” Zariel snaps back at the youngster, before looking back at Lana and Mara. “Be glad, Cedric, was it? That you didn’t actually manage to bite my skin, we Alpha Legion are Venomous and Poisonous.”

“Primaris are built better,” Cedric growls deep in his chest, “asshole.”

“If you want to think that, you can,” Zariel says, unable to stop himself from tweaking the young son of Dorn’s nose.

There is another deep rumbling growl and Cedric’s teeth are bared and sharp, his hands clench and unclench as his tail whips around in agitation, readying himself of another Charge.

The other young Black Templar swings out a strange device that Zariel doesn’t recognize, looking like he’s ready to activate it. Whatever it is that device does, he most certainly wants to find out, but not activate it on him or his brothers.

“Stand down. We ask that if a peaceful resolution can happen, that it does happen,” Mara sternly calls out, and the Scouts do their best to back down and reign in their tempers.

“Yes ma’am,” They say politely, if a little sullenly.

“If we decide to allow you and your brothers to be around Lana and our Colony,” Mara says after a few moments of thought, “we will need several things from you.”

Zariel and his squad’s eyes are locked onto Mara, fully listening and watching her every movement and word carefully. “And what are those things?”

“Honesty,” Mara says, eyes narrowed, watching as the mer-astartes recoil a little at that, “Do your best to stop lying when you are around us, in words and actions.”

“You want us to approach the colony in our true colors?” Zariel asked to clarify, a frown starting to mar on his face, “The older Mer-astartes are not likely to react well to seeing us like this, in fact they will likely react worse than these Scout-lings have.”

“You deserve our hostility,” rumbles Ramiel, “The Alpha legion has always been one of the most self-serving of the First Founding. Prone to betraying their ‘allies’ for want of a spoon.”

Cedric and the rest of the Primaris Space Marine Scouts seem to be nodding in unison. Vigorously at that, agreeing to his words in unison and their glares have yet to subside.

“Just because you say that you mean no harm to Lana and the Gannet Harpy colony now,” The young Blood Angel says suddenly, glowering at them in suspicion, “Doesn’t mean that you won’t betray or hurt them in the future. Alpha Legionnaire. Ever mercurial is you and your Chapter.”

“She is our Bonded,” Zariel flares his fins angrily at the other’s comment.

“A stronger Bond could form between her and another,” Claude says, “And it wouldn’t be the first time, wouldn’t be the last, and it could be happening to another at this very moment.”

“We’ve heard stories of ‘bonded’ Alpha legion squads trying to fight against the Bonded mortal’s true Bonded,” Catius , the young Ultramarine Scout say, “and it ends in tragedy, unless you Alpha legionnaire do what you do best, run like cowards against stronger foes.”

His mind is buzzing with information and the stories he’s listened to and compiled of just such a thing happening and he can gather those anecdotes and present them as evidence on Why Letting Those Teal Bastards Stay Nearby is a Bad Idea. Catius and his brother-cousins respectfully keep quiet so that they can hear Lana’s decision.

#warhammer 40k #space marine husbandry sentience #space marine husbandry #warhammer #adeptus astartes #mermay #mermay 2024 #mermay 40k #oc: Cedric #oc: Catiuis #oc: Claud #oc: Catius #oc: Jophiel #oc: Claude #oc: Ramiel #oc: Alpharius #Living Waters au #poor unfortunate souls

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strijdi · 4 months ago

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It Was the Best of Art, It Was the Worst of Art!

Decided to do a little look at my past four years of ArtFight, and picked out what I thought were my best and worst attacks each year, in hopes of seeing if both categories got better over the years. Worst will always be on the left/top, best will always be on the right/bottom.

ArtFight 2021 (Team Cyberpunk):

Left belonged to NexusCryptid | Right belonged to Fayesephone Commentary: My first year, I definitely made strides between the worst piece and the best piece ^^''' This was back in my 'color all the linework except the outer lines' phase. Both of the backgrounds could use some work, but overall I'm happy with posing/movement in both! Unfortunately, the face and proportions of the worst piece are what landed it in last.

ArtFight 2022 (Team Wither)

Left belongs to Flat-san | Right belonged to photinus Commentary: Second year, still making similar mistakes and making similar strides! For reference, the worst piece you're seeing here was after an initial correction. I was also at the time having trouble with coloring lineart due to some issues with my workflow. Also baggy pants will forever be my enemy. As for the best piece, I loved the way I used color and posing, and it had a decent background! Was still doing the 'black outlines on the outside' thing.

ArtFight 2023 (Team Vampire)

Left belongs to PeterPandora | Right belongs to eryxerite Commentary: I would say things definitely got better this year! Finally moved on to coloring all the lineart, and the fact that the left is my worst piece I think is a significant improvement (suit pants continue to be an enemy, but the derpiness of the face and the anatomy of the right hand... oy.) The best piece, in comparison, went through multiple revisions until I was finally happy with it, and I was so proud of it that I downloaded it to my phone and looked at it multiple times a day for like. A while. The shading really works, and I love what I did with the tears, fabric, and crystal hair!

ArtFight 2024 (Team Seafoam)

Top belongs to GhostKiwi | Bottom belong to Lunarah Commentary: This year was my favorite year of ArtFight so far -- I did less attacks than any previous year but still got a higher point total than any previous year! This was also the first year that I consistently also shaded the colored lineart (which was just copy/pasting the shading from the base colors onto the colored lineart lol). With the worst piece, I was happy with the background, but I think the scaling of the character to the background was off, the face was wonky, and I was largely unhappy with the way I did the hair crystal reflection onto the skin. I also could've chosen a better pose, I think, when taking the background into account. As for my best piece, this piece (originally three separate attacks) certainly takes the cake as my most elaborate and time-consuming attacks ever! The shading, hair, posing, and lighting all fucked HARD. My only regret is that I couldn't get a consistent style across all five characters, since each individual character was drawn separately from the others and then combined. Overall takeaway: I think I need to get better at being consistent with style. And, glaringly, side angled faces are my biggest weakness. I need to bone up on that before next year, methinks. And I still think I have a ways to go with improving on clothing folds. Nevertheless, I'm very happy with my growth over the past four years, and I hope to grow more next July!!

If you made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my little self-reflective musings. Also, if you noticed anything else in these pieces that you think could use some work, I would welcome constructive criticism! No assholery obvi please.

#artists on tumblr #artfight #artfight 2021 #artfight 2022 #artfight 2023 #artfight 2024 #original ocs #hnk ocs #humanoid ocs #not my oc #art retrospective #art review #critique welcome #art critique #long post

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brendathedoodler · 2 years ago

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The second day of my out of season Whumptober! Today Legend has a bad time.

Day 2 prompt: Cornered / Caged / Confrontation

Warnings: none

Scaling a ladder wasn’t exactly what Legend wanted to be doing in a battle. A higher vantage point would certainly help with his shots, especially with all the pesky birds that apparently decided attacking them was fair game.

Of course, ladders didn’t allow for much mobility. The best thing he can do is get to the top as quickly as possible without attracting too much attention. Legend was fairly certain he’d gotten over here unnoticed.

An arrow quickly proved that assumption wrong.

Legend wasn’t sure if he was the luckiest man on the battlefield that day or the unluckiest, though he thought the answer might somehow be both.

The arrow pierced his arm just as he was reaching up to the next rung, hitting directly in the center of his forearm. The goddesses seemed to be looking out for him for once; rather than going through flesh, it only slid through fabric and scraped against bone already exposed bone.

Rarely did Legend see any perks to his stalfos arm, but it was times like these that certainly made him thankful. He scrambled to the top of the platform before the enemy archer could fire any more shots, and made quick work of both it and the birds that had been bothering them this whole time.

Legend’s assistance made the battle go a lot quicker, and it wasn’t long before he was hopping down from his perch and scurrying off to where he’d dropped his bag off. He might’ve walked away from that shot with just a few scrapes, but if anyone else saw the hole in his tattered glove, they’d start asking questions, and that wasn’t something he could afford.

He silently cursed himself for how much of a mess his bag was; clearly he’d need to organize soon. He couldn’t find anything in here! There were potions of all types and colors, several bags of pumpkin seeds (why did he even have these?), his wallet, a second smaller wallet, spare tunics, the first aid kit he never keeps stocked up, a spare shield-

“Cryptid!”

Shit. Legend took a deep breath and tried to channel Twilight’s impressive poker face. Maybe if he had his gloved arm search through his bag they wouldn’t notice the hole in it?

Wind jogged over, skidding to a stop by Legend’s side. “Are you okay? I saw you take a hit,” he exclaimed far too loudly.

Legend tried not to make it obvious when he pulled the flap of his bag over his arm, obscuring the injury. “No, it just barely missed-“

“Did I just see bone!?”

Shit. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. He always forgot how damn perceptive the kid was. “No! It-“ Legend knew he was just scrambling for excuses at this point. “It nicked my glove. It’s padded, you saw stuffing, that’s all!” he insisted, disregarding the fact that the padding was, in fact, foam (and really, it made no sense to have stuffing at all, and he was already cursing himself for the shitty excuse).

“I think the fuck not!” Wind exclaimed, calling his bullshit out immediately.

“What’s going on here?”

Legend’s stomach dropped. There was no way in hell Twilight would let it go if he thought Legend was hiding an injury.

“Cryptid’s-“

“Fine!” Legend interrupted. “I got nicked by an arrow! It’s fine! I’m looking for a potion right now!” he insisted.

“But I saw it go through your arm!” Wind shouted, loud enough that now everyone knew what was going on (and Legend was certain that was intentional).

Twilight immediately turned his attention to Legend. “Cryptid-“

“I don’t fucking hide injuries! I’m not hiding an injury! I’m fine!”

In response to Legend’s immediate hostility, Twilight took a step back.

“Thank you, Addie. I’ll take it from here,” Twilight said, patting the young veteran’s back.

Wind quickly backed off, rejoining the rest of the group, all of whom had also begun backing off. All but Hyrule, though Twilight dismissed him with a wave.

Taking a deep breath, Twilight met Legend’s glare with an easy expression.

“I’m not going to make you show me,” Twilight started, though whenever else he was going to say was cut off by Legend’s sharp reply.

“Yeah, you better fucking not.”

Twilight paused and then sighed, deciding to just disregard that. Legend was obviously defensive, and it was hard to blame the guy for that. This was a situation best handled with care (even if he wanted nothing more than to grab his arm and see for himself that the teen wasn’t hurt). “Did an arrow really go through your arm?”

Legend froze in place. He didn’t want to just say Wind was a liar, because he wasn’t. But saying yes would mean he’d have to explain, and wouldn’t that mean he’d have to show him?

“I only have a few scratches,” he choked out after a pause that felt far too long. “It doesn’t even need a potion.”

It wasn’t an answer to Twilight’s question, but a non-answer said more than anything else. “Take one anyway, alright? If not for that, do it to ease our nerves.“

It was a compromise. As much as Legend disliked being wasteful, having to reveal his hand to everyone else was a thousand times worse. At least this way there was assurance he wasn’t hiding any injuries (something that they’d each done at least once, much to the displeasure of the others).

At his nod, Twilight turned away to let him rummage in his bag more. Legend popped the cork with his teeth and chugged it down in a few quick gulps. “There. Happy?”

“Very,” Twilight agreed, offering a smile that Legend didn’t return. “Get yourself settled and meet back up with us when you’re ready.”

With that, Twilight got up to rejoin the group. Legend watched him go for a few long seconds before finally turning back to his bag.

He flexed his hand, feeling the faint squish of the foam padding beneath his skeletal fingertips.

Why did he always make things so much harder for himself?

#linked universe #lu adventure swap au #brenda’s out of season whumptober #lu legned #lu wind #lu twilight

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jajna · 1 year ago

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Me the mun are out again on the hunt for bud's awesome OC creations. Ninja mode activate! Peeking around the corner I spot figure dressed from his legs up in a stylish bright pink suit. My my it's not every day this malicious creature wear my gifted clothes, considering he prefer sneaking around unnoticed. Must be my lucky day! I tip toe closer while the handsome fella are busy talking to someone-er.. The one he is talking to are dead!!! And he turn around. Look at me, smirk. I stare back. *Fuck* And give him a quick peck on his chin before run away. (to tall to reach further) @margoteve Catching my breach I come across a shop hidden a bit from the city. It reeks of odd fumes but not terribly unpleasant. In fact, I know who work here! Two alchemists. Me, myself and I come here now and then, for the two are terribly curious with a fun stories to tell and poisons to sell. Not to mention dazzling pretty to boot! Walking in I quickly make a point in giving the them both a hug, which certainly are an experience on it's own, one full of fluffy fur and the other sleek with their shiny scales! And wuy wuy. Best I buy something, the sudden attack squeeze made one of them foot-tap nervously. These cuties! @kamiveicht @jayaxer

Carrying a bag full with poison and on my way into town again, who would this mun not run into but the richest people in the city. And he catches me before I fall! Dear me..... he's skin are so blue, flawless, certainly he work hard to keep it so smooth. And those glasses. Mental squeeeeak. No. Get your head together!! He is saying something... I did not hear and smile foolishly. He scoffs, rolling his eyes and with a smirk stand me up. I swoon. This alien and his big head! This dose it!! I am taking him and his bodyguards on a date!!(fuck if he's married and got a kid!) @dani-kin

and then a second good hunt was done ^^ again, i do not mention OCs name. its guessing game. xDDD i do love friendos OC's alooooooot <3 hope their creators will enjoy this too!!

#its dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone <3 #hopefully i got them kinda right x'D #oc's can change up alot #but i stull apprechiate the creators!#drabbles

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tobiasdrake · 1 year ago

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We're making bad choices. :D

Wait, is that Chrono Trigger influence I smell? We've got the party that stays externalized and follows you around, and turn-based RPG battles that happen right there on the map rather than in their own psychedelic wonder-zone.

This world map layout was the last piece I needed to say this game definitely took inspiration from the greatest RPG ever made.

I wonder if they have a New Game+ with a ton of goofy bonus endings based on when you decide to suddenly quit the main story and go fight the final boss instead. :P

In any case, Operation "Do what we're expressly not supposed to do and then brag about it to our authority figure" is a go!

But first we're going to have a bite to eat. Honestly, I agree with Garl. Right before getting into the most trouble of our lives is the best time for a snack.

And that sandwich looks immaculate. I'm a little jealous.

Oh wow, we are troublemakers, aren't we? These sandwiches weren't just good; They were sacrilegiously delicious! ...sacrilecious!

Okay, enough tasty treats, time to make mistakes.

HAHA! I am the best Winter Solstice whatever! This is going to prove to be a terrible mistake in a moment but right now I am riding this high. Let's race inside at a reckless sprint!

There's just something invigorating about, after much effort and practice, finally managing to complete a task you were expressly told not to do in the first place. Like scaling an office building on government property.

Oh good, so we're already in deep trouble. I was worried we'd have to go and tell him that we should be in deep trouble.

Nah, screw that. I want to do a good old-fashioned dungeon delve. Maybe we'll find a Big Chest that has a weapon inside of it. We can give it to Garl since he has no opinions about what weapon he wants.

LET'S GO, TEAM!

GOOD JOB, TEAM! We made it to the very first room and now we're screwed.

It occurs to me only now that, as all of our weapons are presently hypothetical, this may have been a mistake. I don't think the rainbow slugs are going to be very impressed if we lob Garl's backpack at them and run away.

They don't take a monster census in the forbidden cavern, Garl.

OKAY BUT HOW THO

That passageway is a straight shot to the entrance. It's a pretty tight passage with nowhere you could have been hiding while we were tromping through. It is physically impossible for you to be cutting off our exit right now, and I expect - nay, demand - that you cease any and all un-causal existing, and vacate from the impossible reality in which you have now found yourself.

...

Any minute now. Any. Minute.

Is it preparing to vanish in a puff of logic because otherwise--

That thing has a sharp horn pointed directly at the small of my back. This is going to be bloody. Why did I turn around?

GARL NO

I am immensely grateful to you for shielding me from that attack with your body. That was a super heroic thing of you to do and I appreciate you so very, very much.

But why did you use your face to block the horn!? You have a backpack, my guy!

We are in deep trouble. If we run deeper into the cave, we will most certainly be gored to death by monsters. But if we stay here, we have to face Moraine and own up to what we did.

...

I'm weighing my options.

Oh wow. And we're right back to screw Moraine. Can we seal the cave up behind us and leave him in here?

I want to give Garl the biggest hug and be besties for life for what he did for me. T_T But instead the future says we stop hanging out and never see him again. This flashback is ripping my heart in half.

Why do I get a bad feeling about that?

Our training began not on the basis that we have promise and the school recognizes our talent, but rather on the basis that we can no longer be permitted to go unsupervised.

We're the class screw-ups.

Well, at least he shows a more gentle side when he's not interacting with us, directly or indirectly. So maybe he's not a jerk. Maybe he just doesn't like us specifically.

Garl lost an eye and his two best friends all in one night. What a terrible night. That sandwich we all shared together is the last happy memory before everything went south. The symbol of our sacrelicious bond.

I hope he's doing better now. He's had ten years to move on with his life. People heal and grow and change. I'm sure we'll see him again; The game wouldn't be bringing him up if we weren't going to. But I hope he's in a good place and not, like, the Darth Vader of the plot.

"Go to your room and think about what you did FOR TEN YEARS" is a bit harsh of a grounding, dude.

And there it is again. Let people make their own choices! Obviously what happened here today was a terrible mistake committed in the ignorance of youth but come on. He wants to be our bestie so bad he sacrificed his eye for me. He's my gosh darned hero. T_T

#sea of stars #drake plays sea of stars

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chidoroki · 2 years ago

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182 Days of TPN - Day 36

Chapter 36: “Action, Part 5”

Bro season two demons wish they looked this good. Straight up terrifying and none of those wacky ones we did get to see. Of course I don’t include Mujika & Sonju in that mix. They were perfect. But damn, “part 5” for this escape plan huh?

Could you imagine if the kids went through all that training, preparing themselves to cross the cliff like Norman planned, but ended up trying at the wrong spot because they couldn’t figure out the exact place Norman suggested? That would be so horrible.

It takes serious guts to volunteer first to zip-line across this chasm without even know how well it’ll work out, so many kudos to Don here. I’d definitely wait until more people cross to see if it’s safe enough.

Ah hell, I’ll give praise to everyone here, whatever! I know they practiced a whole bunch, but that was on a much smaller scale! It was just down a small hill and there was definitely no bottomless pit below that you had to worry about! Sure Rossi seems shaken up but he’s still going for it! These kids are crazy.

They all just did so well.. and it really sucks we couldn’t seem them slowly improve their skills over those two months since this was all supposed to be a surprise for us. And Ray. And I’ll be damned, it certainly was a sight to see them attack this whole escape plan fearlessly, especially for their ages.

Smug Norman is one of my favorite kinds of Norman and I love this is how Ray thinks of him in his mind.

The fact that Isabella doesn’t even need to think that long about how else the children will try to escape and wastes no time in continuing her pursuit. Though I do wonder, if she figured out their method of escape, or at least where they were gonna attempt it, did she also think of it during her attempt? Or way after, since she kinda got up the wall with very little supplies or knowledge of how to continue?

Big brother Ray coming through to help his precious younger siblings find the courage to cross the big, scary cliff! Aaah, it’s all so adorable. He’s the best. Also, the HEAD PAT!!

(Yup, that’s some Nozel type energy right there, hahaa.. oohh I love how easily I fall for characters once they show any similarities to Ray.)

Yes sweetie, you can 100% seek out a better future! You deserve it just as much as anyone else, if not much more!

I.. have a clear bias towards how the whole wall-encounter was handled in anime rather than the manga. One reason is very obvious and I’ll gladly scream about it next chapter, but I prefer the anime more because it also shows that mom was capable of catching up to the kids fast enough and knew exactly where they might be to begin with, which of course contributes to how all-around amazing she is, whereas the manga shows her arriving a bit too late. Before that though, you get the stare down between her and Emma on the wall and it makes the whole atmosphere so tense as you anticipate what Isabella might do. It kinda surprised me when all she did was beg Emma not to leave since I was half expecting her to drag Emma back by force, like Isabella was so determined to catch them and here she is, watching them make their own choices and walk out of her life. It’s what makes her confession to Grandma Sarah in ch38 hold so much more weight when she admits that the escape was her fault. It’s not like she didn’t get there in time, like the manga portrays it, but because she simply let them go.

Favorite panel/moment:

Nat and his many sparkles!!

#the promised neverland #tpn manga #182daysoftpn #chidoroki used chatter

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gettingbyy · 4 months ago

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8/7/2024, 8/11/2024

this post is for mouse, but you can read it, too, if you want.

i really need to do more photography. i've been too nervous and tired to go out by myself (i think i talked about that last post), but scrolling through my flickr, i get super sad that i don't have new art in there. obvi i've been doing some phone camera photos, but also as we discussed xD those cameras/software are pretty trash nowadays. i even have some medium format rolls shot and ready to develop. i wanted to finish one more roll of 35mm to send in with them and i just....haven't. there are only like 14 shots left on the roll but here i am. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe this weekend, i'm hoping to go downtown for a video game concert and i could almost certainly knock out the rest of the roll while i'm in the city.

also i still haven't officially rejected W cos he keeps coming back with some kind of bare minimum effort and it ropes me back in because of how good things were the first week we were talking. why do emotionally unavailable men and mascs always try to date me, and why do i (almost) always fall for it? ugh.

aaaaaaaaaaaanyways this is not how i intended this post to go xD the main thing i want to talk about is whimsy and how difficult it is to maintain because we live in A SocietyTM. it kind of came up because of this video: https://youtu.be/OW1tEPb3-UQ?si=CITcsW_WuK_uo8Z2 it's a long one that's about john green lol but one of the points she makes about his "downfall" was talking about how the internet used to be a softer/less jaded place for weirdos and their weird humor (see: early viral videos), and for people like those on tumblr to be unapologetically passionate about things that really ultimately didn't matter to most people. you saw this in xanga communities, too, where you could have these groups full of people trying to write poetry and encourage each other at it, without worrying about a bad actor coming in and attacking/mocking people. you would never be able to have that same level of open community today without serious moderation, and there would still be a huge chance for harm. the olden days still had problems, don't get me wrong - i've been watching deep dive videos on early fandom and fanfic lore recently - but overall, there was a loooooottttttt less random bullying. you really only got hate (if you did at all) if you were a bigger-name player in your community/space. the xanga communities demonstrated that the best, i think.

it was around the time we were in college, i'd say, when this started changing and being "someone on tumblr" became something to be mocked. it got especially bad when the "cringey social justice keyboard warrior" trope started gaining popularity in alt-right/fascist and conservative groups, and fighting for social justice was somehow perverted into being a bad thing. this definitely came from a place of blatant racism, i noticed it really ramped up around 2012 when trayvon martin was murdered, and even more in 2014 when tamir rice was. even on my unknown blogs, i would get random hateful asks or reblogs if i was posting anything social justice-related. the shift in internet culture feels like it started with that trope, and the hate that trope got, and morphed it into something "palatable" for the everyman. being jaded, sarcastic, and unnecessarily cruel became acceptable, and anonymity on the internet became a shield from consequences instead of a boon to forming communities. you still see the fallout from this today, the culture hasn't (and most likely won't) shift back on a large scale, and people share increasingly personal details about themselves to show they're a real person and not a bad faith actor trying to infiltrate. other than on discord, when you look in those wholesome, more welcoming communities, almost everyone has their real first and sometimes last name posted somewhere, more people are using pictures showing their face, they're sharing everyday details about their lives, taking more openly about current careers, etc., while at the same time people who are more anonymous aren't as welcomed anymore. this is especially true on twitch - i've seen so many streamers bring on their parents or their pets or talk about their house/neighborhood/city, all while showing their full face and sometimes full name. people who don't show their face or who have a vtube persona instead (the channels where someone is an anime character doing movements instead of a real person) get significantly less traffic, and find it much harder to create any kind of regular audience.

the days where we could be known by an icon and a fake name are largely behind us, in most spaces. if we're trying to be somewhere with sincerity, there's a weird undercurrent of not-so-gentle pressure to share specific things about yourself and take away that anonymity. i know it's been born of a need to protect spaces, and because bigots and bullies use anonymous profiles to go after people, but in a lot of ways, it's super harmful to us as internet users and makes the bigots and bullies' jobs easier. people are much easier to intimidate and unnerve and harass if you have access to enough information, and the bigots can keep doing what they're doing because we have no way to react to those threats. you can get an anonymous message from someone threatening you with the knowledge of your full address, but you have no way to trace that back to the perpetrator. it's also taken away safe places that people in our generation had to explore our identities and figure out who we were without threat of adult intervention/judgment. i have some truly cringe-awful poetry out there from when i was like 13 and thought i was deep, and (probably) no one will be able to find it and attribute it to me. i don't think i could do the same thing nowadays, with how communities have changed over the years. it's not only a change in larger internet culture, but also a change in how many of those communities are available - everything is being homogenized into a few huge social media sites, and those social media sites are all cannibalizing off each other until they all look virtually the same. tiktok and instagram hugely rely on videos (tiktok because of vine, instagram because of tiktok) and it's just another way that anonymity we used to have is being eroded. places like fictionpress, fanfic.net, xanga, they're all gone under the crushing pressure of those behemoths. they may still exist technically, but they're largely dead. xanga is literally dead lol.

i guess the point i'm trying to make with all this is i feel bad for the young kids who are out there being their fully cringe selves in a much more public and critical and cruel eye. someone in a discord i'm in shared a random 14-year-old's tiktok the other day, making fun of them for having bad takes about politics, and all i could think was, "i used to say things like that. my friends used to say things like that." and now that kid is going to have that floating around on the internet for weeks, months, years even, depending how long it goes on. going viral changes someone's life, and even when it's for a "good reason," it's still something that follows them like...basically forever, at least in some capacity.

i have more i want to say about other things, but i'm going to end this one here cos it got a little disjointed at the end xD LOVE YOU BBG

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spadeselfshipcorner · 4 months ago

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SPADE x HUNTER Chronicles

The Hunter Exam Pt. 3

In case you don't come from the main post, hi. This is my attempt to fully insert my HxH S/I in the main story! Gotta thank my friends whose feedback has kept me motivated to continue writing and finally posting this work, because my original plan was to keep it to myself lol

January 7th

OST: Sleepwalking Orchestra

12:00 PM

The second phase was held by two Gourmet Hunters, Menchi and Buhara. We first had to catch and roast a Great Stamp for Buhara! The Great Stamp is a very large and ferocious pig that only lives in the Visca Forest. It seemed like our attacks weren’t doing anything, until Gon found out its weak spot, we all followed his lead and quickly got back to camp and got cooking. Buhara ended up eating about 70 of those pigs which shouldn’t be humanly possible, literally where did he put them? A black hole? I’m glad I was fast enough to catch my pig, otherwise I would’ve been eliminated. Menchi’s phase is where things started to go downhill. She asked us to make nigiri sushi, which was a dish I’d NEVER heard of, since it wasn’t common in Itaria. We tried to speculate what it might’ve required, until Kurapika recalled reading about it, figuring out the other main ingredient, other than rice, was raw fish. Leorio accidentally revealed that to the rest of the examinees, so we all had to rush and catch fish. I’d never been the best fisherman, but I managed to secure a couple of them and get back to my station. I looked carefully at what had been provided and I remembered the knives, which suggested that perhaps the fish should be fileted… I’d never done that before, but I wasn’t going to give up. I fileted a fish, taking the scales and skin away too, then I tried to take out as many fish bones as I could. I saw people around me already bringing their dishes to Menchi, which made me quite anxious, I was taking too long. I cut the filet in small bits and rolled rice around them, making little cylinders with a fish center. I was trying to take this seriously, I could feel the examiners’ eyes on me, so scary! In the end all my efforts were in vain though, as Menchi took a look at my sushi and said it was the wrong shape for a nigiri sushi, though she didn’t seem too upset when I presented mine, at least she didn’t throw it away, just gave it back to me.

People kept bringing failures to Menchi and her anger grew, until Hanzo brought actual nigiri sushi to her! But… it wasn’t good enough and he got rejected. He did end up spilling the beans on what sushi was, and everyone tried making it, but at that point Menchi was pissed and judged everyone super harshly, until she was full and outright refused to test anyone, making it so that nobody actually passed. It was then that the Hunter Association’s chairman showed up, and convinced Menchi to give us another challenge. We all got into the blimp and traveled to Split Mountain. The chairman was a legit weird dude… who let him be chairman? Well, at least he got us a second chance at the exam, after traveling for a whole month, I was definitely not going back home empty-handed.

01:00 PM While on the airship, Leorio came up to me and we had a little talk again. Chatlog:

– [Leorio]: "So uh, this has been quite the eventful exam so far, huh?"

[Spade]: “Indeed it has... I wonder what Split Mountain will look like, it has such a peculiar name!"

[Leorio]: “Hm… from the name, I expect it’s gonna be a huge mountain with a split down the middle!”

[Spade]: "True... or maybe it could have one side looking a certain way, and the other could be the total opposite!"

[Leorio]: "Yeah, split might mean two sides of opposite nature... that certainly would be interesting to see."

[Spade]: "Yeah... it sounds like something fun to draw, don't you think?"

[Leorio]: "Ah, so you like to draw?"

[Spade]: "Yeah... I e-even brought a sketchbook with me, though so far I haven't had the time to doodle anything today, it's just been so intense!"

[Leorio]: "No way, you brought a sketchbook with you? You actually draw in your spare time? Now I really want to see your drawings!"

[Spade]: "Huh? I-I mean I guess I could... here, these are from my month-long trip across the ocean"

[Leorio]: "Wow, these look amazing... You really did these all yourself? You've got some real skill, you know that?"

[Spade]: "Ah! Uh... thanks... I just... draw what I see y'know? Not too... difficult"

[Leorio]: "Yeah, right, like the way you do it isn't difficult at all… These drawings look way too good for just simple doodles. I mean, you've got some real talent behind you, Spade."

[Spade]: "I- ... thank you... it means a lot- you know, I really want to eventually turn my art into a way to make money one day... still trying to figure out how"

[Leorio]: "You want to make money with your art? You mean like being an artist to support yourself?"

[Spade]: "Y-yeah! Though.. Like I said, I don't know what exactly I want to do. I always liked making landscapes, but... hm, I dunno..."

[Leorio]: "Landscapes, hm? You really do have a way with drawing landscapes well. Your drawings are really detailed..."

[Spade]: "I try my best! And- this exam is really getting me inspired, we've already seen so many crazy places! Drawing sights that normal people are unlikely to see... is honestly one of my favorite things!"

[Leorio]: "Well, I guess it's certainly a good thing that the exam has inspired your art. Hopefully you will have the opportunity to draw more incredible things as the exam goes on." –

Once we got to Split Mountain, we were tasked with retrieving a Spider Eagle egg from a ravine. I was terrified. If there’s something that scares me, free-falling into the void is that one thing. I was really considering dropping out, but I couldn’t, I didn’t want to get back to Itaria without a license. I jumped down after Leorio and Kurapika, but my hands slipped from the net! Kurapika luckily managed to catch me and give me enough swing to reach the net again. I literally owe this guy my life. We all got our eggs and waited for a huge gust of wind to sweep us back up to the surface, safe and sound, with an egg in hand. As soon as my feet touched the ground, I felt a presence behind me, and when I turned around it was Leorio, looking extremely concerned. He scolded me, saying I should be more careful. He sounded like a mom. I just hugged him, which he seemed okay with, I mean he hugged back… I don’t know why I hugged him. Maybe the stress of the situation made me emotional. The eggs tasted… REALLY good. I spotted Hisoka eating his, and even he seemed to love it. So weird, I guess even crazy men can enjoy good food.

OST: Kyoshu 04:00 PM We got onto Netero’s airship so that we could start heading to the third phase of the exam. After dinner, I stuck around with Leorio and Kurapika while Gon and Killua went to explore the airship. We were all about ready to crash at that point, but we still found it in ourselves to talk for a bit. Chatlog:

–

[Spade]: "Thanks again for catching me, I- literally owe you my life, man-"

[Kurapika]: "I did what anyone would do if they saw somebody about to fall, it was nothing to be thankful for."

[Spade]: "Still... this exam is a competition, I-I'm pretty sure some wouldn't have been as kind"

[Kurapika]: "Yeah... I guess so… still, we may be competing against each other, but we're also a team of some sort. We won't leave anyone behind just because we're supposed to compete."

[Spade]: "A... team...?"

[Leorio]: "Well, yeah! I mean we've been going through this exam together, and it's not like we can just leave each other behind. We're gonna have each other's backs no matter what, right?"

[Spade]: "R-right... *sniffle*"

[Leorio]: "Ah, now there's no need to cry, Spade. We're friends now, alright? You don't need to cry over having people care about you, it's a good thing..."

[Spade]: "I-I know... I know, it's silly, I just can't... help it..."

[Leorio]: "It's not silly, it's very human… No need to feel embarrassed... it's normal to feel emotional like this."

[Spade]: "Thank you... to the both of you..."

–

After that, we all end up falling asleep.

Part 2 | Part 3

Master post

Proship/Comship and Kink blogs DNI

#hxh #hunter x hunter #hunter exam arc #oc #hxh oc #s/i #self insert #self insert community

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gold-pavilion · 2 years ago

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Repost of my old BSD meta post on the 4 main strategists of the series (so far), brought back due to the deletion of my old blog and interest from peeps!!

Plain text version under the cut (thanks to @kaus-quietis ):

Ranpo, Dazai, Fyodor and Mori are the biggest players in the large-scale strategy games in BSD, but the smarts in which they excel and the way they play their hands are widely different. As expected, they’re effective in different scenarios, perform with different methods and have different limits.

Thanks to an ask I recently got about Ranpo, I thought it may be useful to someone to set apart each of them in regards to their individual talents and styles, what they do and don’t do with their own types of genius (as best as I can discern, of course), so… here’s my rundown of the master strategists, with quick n’ easy keywords for simplicity:

RANPO: CLARITY & FORESIGHT

Ranpo’s genius is summed up with the fake ability built around it. Just like Ultra Deduction is supposed to provide him, Ranpo has the clearest of sights: when presented with a scenario, he’ll easily understand every element of it, why things are as they look and what’s beyond that. In this attention to detail and grand understanding, he’s unparalleled. His pure intelligence is the highest of all.

But it doesn’t end there. His deduction abilities also make him capable of projecting ahead, of predicting outcomes and happenings by analyzing the elements currently at hand, so he can look ahead as accurately as he can see the present. And generally, this includes people. He can understand behavior, motivation and intentions just as well as he can make any of his other calculations.

However, he uses this clarity and this foresight usually to expose culprits, to achieve confessions by confrontation or to work on his team’s strategies, but not as a means to control that person. He understands the human element of the equation terrifyingly well, as he understands everything, but doesn’t aim to manipulate it. (Unless, as he explained with Mushitarou, unless it’s absolutely necessary and he’s very very pissed, in which case he’s not entirely against psychological attack, but in general his benign moral alignment and his blunt approach to people don’t mix with that.) Actually, this respect he has for life in general and this upright intention can be considered a secondary skill of his, because they’re the reason his confrontations tends to end with people getting something out of the experience of opposing him and ending up as new strong allies, like Minoura, Poe and Mushitarou did.

DAZAI: FORESIGHT & MANIPULATION

Dazai’s style has a big part in common with Ranpo’s, yeah. Namely, his ability to get ahead of the game by (understanding and) predicting, though in his case, it’s focused largely on behavior, on people in general. That’s where he differs and also where he excels: people. He strategizes a lot based on his ability to tell what individual people will do, how they’ll react, how they’ll think, what they’ll go for or how they’re likely to do it. In a game of strategy where personal motivation and individual wishes move the pieces so much, it’s a fantastic specialty.

This people-based focus shows its full capacity in his manipulation skill. Understanding others so well, it’s easy for him to prepare the stage and move the people through it without even having to tell them what he needs them to do (see: the entirety of Dead Apple haha). He just needs to set the conditions; the pieces will move on their own, in ways he can be prepared for. And if closer intervention is needed… well, part of his manipulation skill is in his charm and his capacity to act, so he can certainly get what he wants out of a person that way, too: with an encounter, a couple of words or a seemingly natural action. More often than not, people manipulated by Dazai will fail to realize they’ve been manipulated, or will only see it when it’s too late/there are no other options.

It’s worth noting that Dazai is very flexible; his intelligence by itself is very high and he has a lot of useful extra skills, like enough physical dexterity to get him out of trouble to a degree, lockpicking/pickpocketing and laying traps, but these are kind of like bonuses. They make him more versatile and capable, but aren’t his main thing.

FYODOR: (DESTRUCTIVE) MANIPULATION & TEMPTATION

It’s probably no surprise to anyone if I say that Fyodor’s style has similarities to Dazai’s haha, but still, yeah. They’re indeed very similar. Like Dazai, he also has a base intelligence level that’s just insanely high (though both to a lower degree than Ranpo, as far as we’ve seen in the midst of the DoA arc) and his own extra skills, such as his capacity as a hacker. This is utilized as an available tool for his schemes, but is also not the main basis they’re built on.

The manipulation keyword is shared between him and Dazai, and in the main gist of it, works the same: understanding people, being able to get into their heads and through that, either implant in them new decisions that fit his agenda in such a way that the person won’t realize they’ve been led, or let them act in their natural way if convenient. Leading a person this or that way as pawns on a chess board. However, there’s a big difference between how Dazai and Fyodor do this, which is what I mean with destructive manipulation: once Fyodor utilizes someone, he’ll usually not even leave the chance to have a new enemy or even a witness, instead he’ll dispose of the person (see: Karma). If not, the way he executes his needs is uncaring, and likely to leave the manipulated person broken; once he’s set up his use, he doesn’t care about their wellbeing or what happens with them (see: Shibusawa). His process of utilization may even involve breaking them (see: Goncharov). He doesn’t take care of his toys.

As for the temptation keyword, it’s the other part of his usual method, so characteristic of him that it stands out to me. Rather than being a huge charmer and an actor like Dazai is, Fyodor is a deal-maker. He finds what someone wishes for or needs (even being capable of isolating them or manipulating conditions to create such a need), and then simply presents it to them as a tempting bargain in exchange for whatever he needs. Sigma, Shibusawa and Mushitarou are big and clear examples.

MORI: STRATEGY & ASSET USE

And then we have Mori, unique even among this small group. His style is mainly what I can only describe as strategy itself, pure and led by logic and probability; theory of game, in a way. Mori also has a great deal of intelligence, combined with a level head that allows him to make sure to act, in every instance, in the way that benefits him (or rather, his organization, since he’s playing for the Port Mafia overall) the most; if unclear, then what has the highest chance of success with the best balance of risk will do. He’s able to understand and foresee enough to determine what that beneficial course of action will be.

Then, there’s his asset use, or what can be called the skill of command. Mori’s method is not independent, he’s the leader of a strong and unified organization (because he’s shaped it so), and as such, will most often be using his various divisions and subordinates and their talents. Seeing what someone is good for and leading them to the role in which their capacities can grow and shine is a true commander’s quality, and he possesses it. Gauging who and what he can dispose of and when to sacrifice is included, as is having a balance of when to control and when to let his subordinates act on their own. Be it goods, influences, situations, persons or anything, seeing what’s available and how it can be matched and used to higher advantage has been part of his modus operandi from the past, all the way to the present.

I hope these explanations put it into good perspective, but I’ll point out, for good measure, that asset use and manipulation are different things. Both involve using people as pawns, but when it comes to asset use, there’s an element of willingness and trust from the subordinates involved that sets it apart. Mori seems to be the hardest one to understand in general, with the most confusion and misinterpretation around him and what he does since he’s controversial to some, but following the principles of benefit and strategy, his genius can easily end up being the clearest.

As always, this is merely my interpretation and a rundown of the ideas I personally use to track of each of the strategists’ characterization. As much as I try to base my reasoning on canon as best as I can, I’m never claiming to have the final word. Grab this if it’s useful for you! But always take with a grain of salt.

#thoughts and talk and so #archiving #edogawa ranpo #dazai osamu #mori ougai #fyodor dostoyevsky #mori #dazai #ranpo #fyodor #bsd #bungou stray dogs #meta #wow me actually saving and recovering one of my posts wowwww

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leggerefiore · 2 years ago

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cw: unowns spelling dtf, maybe sexting using unowns

The Warden stretched as he left the basket the feline pokemon that he had been assigned carried on her back. The sun was bright today, despite the weather slowly shifting more and more towards winter. Irida had explained that Sneasler tended to be less active during this time of year, but she would still be willing to carry him around. It was for the best because while his skills in climbing certainly had improved, he could not beat a creature with a body designed to scale cliffs with ease.

Yawning, he pondered what he might do for dinner that night. His craving for something spicy was tempting him, but he knew to consider your preference, too, seeing as you lived together. There was a chance you may pick up dinner in Jubilife, but if you did not, then… He shook his head. Maybe a nice, warm stew was more fitting for the declining temperatures. You had brought home quite a lovely harvest from the village, after all.

A sudden chill crept down his spine. Standing stiffly, he turned to gaze at Sneasler. She appeared disinterested in her surroundings, instead more focussed on grooming herself more than anything. Ingo stood there in contemplation as to what could be causing his mood shift when he watched as Unowns came creeping from a tree line. Three of them floated together with ominous cries echoing from them. He pondered their intentions as they moved ever closer to him.

What was going on, he debated as they followed him still when he tried to move further away from them. Sneasler remained apathetic to the symbol pokemon, but did turn her head to observe her Warden curiously. A 'mrow' came from her as his face remained hardened. The pokemon, a 'd', 't', and 'f' forms, came to a stop before him, simply floating. He pressed a hand to his chin and stroked his goatee for a moment before wondering if this was some sort of attack on him.

Unowns were truly only dangerous in groups, after all.

Before he could make a run, however, Sneasler crept towards the creatures and startled them off. Ingo stood there dumbfounded as the Noble Pokemon took to grooming him with loud purrs.

"D, t, f...” he whispered to himself. The letters felt… familiar. Like, their meaning was previously known to him, but it had since been lost with the rest of his memories. He pet the feline as he decided to go back to dinner debates.

“Ingo,” you called out as he opened to door to his cabin, “Did you not get my message?”

“Ah, no. Did you send someone with it or leave it somewhere?” he asked with a tilt of his head. Stew simmered in the fireplace's pot, which made his stomach growl. The scent was just so lovely after his day out and about in the highlands.

“I sent some Unowns,” you replied and got up to stir the stew, “They probably just got lost because they did come back pretty scared.”

"D, t, f…” Ingo suddenly recalled. You burst out laughing. The Warden's cheeks bloomed red at your sudden outburst. What was so funny? You knew the letter's meaning… Maybe it was an inside joke between you both before ending up in Hisui?

“Oh… I forgot, you don't have your memories,” you managed to get out after calming down, “Honey, DTF means 'down to fuck?'” Now, all of Ingo's face was burning scarlet.

“Dearest! So brazenly?” he spoke with a flustered tone.

“What? Are you afraid wild pokemon might know I was asking you for sex?” you chuckled with a shake of your head, “Well, whether that's a yes or no, let's eat first. You forgot to take your lunch I packed for you, too.”

Ingo took the warm bowl from your hands after you scooped some soup out for him.

Perhaps…

He should let you remind him of some things.

#ingo x reader #ingo/reader #ingo.ima

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destielshippingnews · 2 years ago

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Edvard's Supernatural Guide: 1x22 Devil's Trap

Supernatural’s twenty second episode is the second half of The Show’s first two-parter and the final episode of its first series. Perhaps my expectations of a series final have been ruined by Buffy where the end of each series (except the first) came at the end of a long build-up and would often have been sufficient as an ending to the whole show. As I have commented multiple times, the first series of Supernatural – and indeed much of Supernatural – suffers a lack of rising action leading the characters and the viewer towards the final conflict. This problem is perhaps due in part to the format of a twenty-two episode monster-of-the-week show in its first year, but part of it is also down to insufficient planning.

This is not to say the episode is bad, because it certainly is not, but it does not feel like a proper ending. I have also commented elsewhere that series one and two of Supernatural feel like one novel to me, with 1x22 serving as the ending of the first part. An equivalent could be the breaking of the fellowship at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring: no main plots have reached a conclusion, but a sub-plot or two has reached its end and obstacles have been thrown in the characters’ way.

The cold open of this episode overlaps slightly with the ending of 1x21 Salvation, picking up with Meg answering John’s phone and telling Dean he will never see John again (no such luck). Dean has not had time to put his mask back on after Sam attacked him, but his reaction to Meg’s implication that John is dead causes him to snap into action mode: as will be discussed in 2x02 Everybody Loves a Clown, Dean’s behaviour is typically masculine in that he responds to difficulties by seeking a solution. He wastes no time in putting himself together, putting his coat on, and dragging a hesitant Sam out of the door.

One thing which I noticed upon rewatch was a certain quality to Dean’s voice which first appears in this episode, a rough, gravelly sound which sounds like he has been screaming for a while. I am far from the first person to comment on the fact that Dean’s voice in series one is significantly higher than it is from series two onwards. I have to admit I did not notice anything unusual about his voice at all until 2020. Sure it is significantly deeper than a lot of men’s, but nothing strange. I live in Finland, and here a tiny number of men for some reason speak right out of their throats. The sound is not guttural, but rather sounds like a frog with tonsillitis. I do not have the foggiest why they do it when the vast majority of Finnish men speak perfectly normally, but some Finnish men just do. That is weird. Jensen’s ‘Dean voice’ does not even register on that scale.

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People both in and outside the show have tried to imitate it with tense vocal chords and shoulders, essentially growling like somebody in a death metal band (e.g. the cosplayers in 5x09 The Real Ghostbusters). Others have also mocked this aspect of the show and made comments to the effect of ‘trying to sound like manly men’, but comments like that are best left in their own league, as the Finns would say. Unless my ears work fundamentally different than everybody else’s, Dean’s voice sounds nothing like death metal vocals or trying to ‘perform’ manliness: rather, it sounds like a baritone singer’s voice.

This is not a music lesson, so I will keep it short: men’s voices usually resonate mostly in the chest cavity, making them sound ‘deep’. This is called ’chest voice’. Women’s usually resonate more in the head, making them sound ‘high’. This is called ‘head voice’. This is of course a continuum, and men can learn to both use more chest voice to increase their vocal range downwards / make their voices sound deeper, as well as to use more head voice to increase their range upwards. The same is true of women: they can learn to increase their range upwards with more head voice, as well as downwards into chest voice. Learning head voice is harder for men than chest voice, and the reverse is true for women, but it is a skill professional singers work towards.

I am far from an expert, but I have listened to dozens of hours of Jensen singing both at conventions and his own music with Radio Company. While I doubt he is classically trained as a singer, he definitely sounds trained to me. He is no Freddie Mercury, but he is versatile and skilled whilst having (what sounds to me, at least) great vocal control. His vocals first appeared as backing vocals on a song in 2000: while his voice definitely sounds pleasant and recognisably Jensen, it is unpractised and raw compared to his later work. If memory serves, he began singing and playing guitar more seriously with Steve Carlson around 2004-2005, and his vocal performances from roughly 2010 sound much more refined, trained, and practised.

What I hear in ‘The Dean Voice’ is Jensen’s singer training: he uses a lot of chest voice when speaking as Dean, entailing diaphragmatic breathing (lowering his diaphragm and filling his entire chest with air, rather than chest breathing) which provides more space for his voice to resonate. I also hear fantastic physical condition, as projecting a voice like that requires strong core muscles and the ability to use them in regulating breathing. Posture is also important, as the position of the shoulders and chin affect vocal production. ‘Death metal vocals’ play no part in it whatsoever, so I do not understand people adopting a faux gruff voice and thinking it represents… anything. Maybe I am just a buzzkill, but it sounds to me like people are not paying attention to anything they hear.

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According to him, the reason he gradually lowered his voice when portraying Dean was an attempt to imitate and emulate Jeffrey Dean Morgan’s portrayal of John.

We know that Dean is also a singer: I commented in 1x17 Hell House that Dean was singing along to Blue Öyster Cult’s Fire of Unknown Origin in tune with a nice-sounding tenor, and episode 15x07 Last Call shows us that Dean’s vocal range spans from bass to tenor, sitting most comfortably in a baritone range.

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Having said all this, there were a few episodes roughly somewhere in series twelve or thirteen where his voice sounds excessive to my ears. I have said usually nothing sounds unnatural or forced about it, but in a handful of episodes late in The Show’s run, the director really should have said ‘Slightly less chest voice’.

What is strange to me is hearing Jensen’s normal speaking voice which is how most of his other characters speak (people say Tom in My Bloody Valentine sounds like Dean, but I think they see Jensen and do not pay attention to what they actually hear, but whatever), but returning to the episode at hand, Dean’s voice has a rough quality which suggests he is straining to keep control of himself.

In the car, Sam thinks it prudent to continue with the ‘I coulda killed him [Azazel]’ crap from the end of last episode. Other than this being irksome (that conversation is over, Sam, drop it), it shows that Sam is okay with abandoning and even sacrificing John in order to get the job done. While it is wonderful that Sam and I both agree on the acceptability of sacrificing John, I do not understand why he thinks sticking around in Salvation would be a good idea: Azazel has disappeared, and going after John is their best chance of getting to him. In contrast to Sam, Dean refuses to even entertain the notion that John might be dead. Part of this is his own reliance on John’s continued existence for his mental stability, but also because it would make no tactical sense whatsoever for Meg to kill John rather than keep him alive and perhaps offer him in exchange for the colt.

Knowing help is needed, Dean drives across the border to Sioux Falls in South Dakota to Bobby’s. Bobby is a fan favourite, but I have to admit I do not like him nearly as much as some people. Admittedly he was a better father figure to Dean and Sam than John, but a) that is a very low bar, and b) I simply cannot forgive him for him ‘I’m so sorry your feelings are hurt, princess’ in 4x22 Lucifer Risingafter Sam tried to strangle Dean to death in cold blood,or for trying to guilt and shame Dean when he was metaphorically suicidal in 5x18 Point of No Return.

Contrary to John, Bobby’s ‘parenting’ can generally be described as ‘tough love’, but a few times too many it veers into simply damaging parenting and bullying tactics. That said, Dean and Sam seem much more comfortable around Bobby for the majority of their time with him than they ever do with John. I think Bobby actually did genuinely care about and love Dean and Sam, but rather than being an abusive, neglectful father like John, he was simply an incompetent, damaged father. His motivations were mostly love for Dean and Sam, so he gets some credit and a little leeway from me for that. He tried.

But no, Bobby; family is not supposed to make you miserable. If your family is making you miserable, you should find a better family.

All of this is in the future, though. Jim Beaver did not expect his role as Bobby to last for more than one episode, and it might have been the case that Missouri Moseley was supposed to make a reappearance (thank Odin she did not). Personally, I am glad his character stuck around, but it is very convenient that yet another acquaintance we have never heard of turns up in the story just when he needs to. He is also yet another acquaintance who has not been in contact with the family for an extended period of time… because of John, whom Bobby tried to shoot in the persqueeter last time they met. There is a through-line here: adults do not like John.

Bobby exposition-dumps about a manifold increase of demonic activity in the last year, and of an approaching ‘storm’ which we should have been made aware of a few episodes ago, but whatever. At this point, Bobby’s Rottweiler Rumsfeld barks outside, putting everybody on edge, then he suddenly falls silent and his chain is shown to be broken. We are to presume he is dead, but he is never spoken of again so nothing is ever confirmed.

Meg then smashes in the door and Dean tries to throw holy water on her, but once again gets yeeted into a wall (one of several times he goes flying in this episode). Given the situation it was probably necessary for somebody to get twanged into a wall in order to lead Meg into a false sense of security. Why did it have to be Dean again, though? I have said before many times that The Show does not like Dean (one of the reasons I hyperfocus on him in these analyses instead of...anything else), but is it really necessary to keep flinging him into stuff? Sam is also young, healthy, and muscular, he can take being twatted into a hard surface a few times.

Another issue with this scene is the ease wherewith Meg appears to have found the Winchesters. If it was indeed so easy, 1x21 Salvation looks completely pointless. Why did she not do this a few days ago? Whatever the case, Dean, Bobby, and Sam dupe her and trap her in the show’s first devil’s trap, a sigil specifically for trapping demons. The version used in this episode is significantly more complex and involved than devil’s traps used later in the show. This is likely due to ease of production (both within and outwith the show), given that such traps are employed with increased frequency later on.

Following this is a sequence of scenes featuring some exceptionally strong performances. Dean’s scary side came out, his rage barely kept under control as he interrogated Meg, the gravelly aspect to his voice morphing into a furious growl. However, during the exorcism scene, his desperation and fear are plain in his tense bearing and the set of his face as he fights against the possibility that John is indeed dead. He had a wild, intense look in his eyes and a set to his jaw that would have me running for the hills if directed at me. Who is this man and can I have a whole show about him, please? Soldier Boy in The Boys was supposed to be a horrible, scary cunny-hole, but nothing he did in his forty minutes of screen time held a candle to Dean’s wild, animalistic presence in this scene.

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(On the subject of Soldier Boy, he might have had heterosexual men considering the attraction of their own sex, but Dean’s deep, rumbling voice as he snapped I lied! and the sheer masculine force of him in this scene would have had them fighting over the lube in the local grocer.)

On the other side of this interaction is Nicki Aycox’s Meg. Given her acting choices were limited, being tied to a chair and all, I was completely convinced by her performance as a trapped demon trying desperately and failing miserably to save face and maintain a facade. She is a tiny woman, but she did not seem meek, frail, or weak at any point before the exorcism, even after Dean slapped Meg so hard he reconfigured her brain. After the exorcism, she transfigures utterly into a broken woman glad for the horrific ordeal to be over and glad to finally be dying. A moment previous she had been all bravado and cockiness (and as Paula R. Stiles pointed out, quite the masochist), then she was utterly shattered and spent. Demon!Meg was completely gone, and Human!Meg was a totally different entity. The fact Nicki Aycox is a tiny woman – slim, a good foot shorter than Jared, and a head shorter than Jensen – definitely worked in her favour here.

I have said on several occasions that Meg 1.0 does not work for me, but it is certainly not due to a lack of acting talent, for she definitely has it. In fact, if it were not for Jensen chewing the scenery up, she would have stolen this scene.

While Dean was interrogating Meg, Sam performed an exorcism which differed from the one in 1x04 Phantom Traveler (in Ecclesiastical Latin: note the pronunciation of v as ‘v’ and c as ‘ch’ like Italian e.g. ‘veni, vidi, vici’, rather than the ‘w’ and ‘k’ of Classical Latin as in ‘weni, widi, wiki’). Jared’s pronunciation in general sounds acceptable: he clearly has the accent of a native English speaker, but it definitely does not sound like this is Sam’s first time reading Latin. On the subject of 1x04, Dean and Sam encountered a demon which possessed humans. Why, then, so they seem so surprised to learn that ‘Meg’ is actually a demon possessing a real woman? Did Eric Kripke just forget that when writing this episode?

What also gave me pause for thought was why Bobby and Sam were hesitant to exorcise the demon from Meg, even though it would have resulted in Meg dying from the wounds she sustained in 1x16 Shadow. There is no way they can let Meg go free while possessed, nor do they have any other option? This sounded to me like the writers knowing the viewers would have questions, and so they included this to answer said questions.

It does have the effect of Dean perhaps looking like the ruthless one willing to sacrifice anything and everything to keep his family safe, but I see it as Dean accepting it has to happen. This is a recurrent theme throughout the show: Dean sees something horrible which has to happen due to a lack of other options, and accepts that it has to happen / he has to do it. See for example the Mark of Cain, or the Malak Box. While this happens, people around him try to stop him being the responsible adult because ‘There has to be another way’, even getting violent, angry, and pissy with him because his decision is not the ending they want. See, for example, Sam punching Dean because of his decision with the Malak Box, or Cas trying to shame him for the same reason.

Note that even though Sam is supposed to be the main protagonist of this show, it was crossing and underestimating Dean which was Meg’s AND Azazel’s biggest mistake. Sam would have left John to his fate and not gone after him, whereas Dean’s devotion to his family (even members who do not deserve it) is what drives this last part of the plot forwards and what leads to their downfall. Dean makes the choices which make the story happen, whereas Sam still does not. Of course he does do things in the plot, but he is mostly reactive and passive compared to the character who was supposed to be the stupid sidekick.

Remember, by the way, that Azazel knows Dean will kill him. They met in 1973 in 4x03 In the Beginning… and Dean told Azazel he was the one to gank him. This explains some of Azazel’s hesitance in the events of 2x01 In My Time of Dying, but also shows how prideful and even hubristic he was: had he refused a certain trade in 2x01, Dean would never have been in a position to kill him.

Also worth noting is that Dean is the unquestioned leader of proceedings in this scene; both Bobby AND Sam defer to him and follow his lead. This reflects the role he later adopts as the unofficial captain of Team Free Will. And how everybody else falls apart when he is absent...

Moving on, Meg’s dying words lead Dean and Sam to Jefferson City, Missouri, where John is supposedly being kept and guarded by demons. Sam is an idiot and draws protective sigils and wards on the outside of the car boot (silly because rain exists), and then another plot-point conflict arises regarding whether or not to take the colt along with or not. Dean wants to use the colt to save John, whereas Sam wants to keep it in reserve for killing Azazel.

Sam tries to use the ‘Dad wouldn’t want us to do it’ argument on Dean, a tactic which Dean soundly rejects. Dean is firmly of the opinion that saving John matters above all else. This is a continuation of their discussion in the car at the beginning of the episode, but here Sam goes further and begins ret-conning his own life and Dean’s motivations by claiming that Dean went to Standford to get Sam in order to kill Azazel. This is not what happened. Dean’s motivation throughout the series has remained constant: he picked Sam up because ‘Dad’s gone on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been home in a few days.’ Dean knew nothing of ‘the demon’ at that point, and Sam is wrong to assert killing Azazel was Dean’s goal then. If I were ill-disposed to Sam, I would say this is an attempt at manipulation: ‘You wanted me to do this. I could have carried on with my studies, but you dragged me along with you to kill this demon, and now you’re trying to stop me doing that.’

Sit down, Sam. Thankfully, Dean does not take this lying down, but instead says Sam and John are ‘a lot more alike than I thought’ and that they cannot wait to sacrifice themselves. ‘You’re selfish...you don’t care about anything but revenge.’ Dean is calling everybody out and I love that for him.

To be fair to Sam, he has been terribly written. He is so inconsistent that it has been very hard for me to understand him, and it is only through lengthy discussions with a friend that I can see what the intention with him might have originally been. He was supposed to be somebody who had always known he was an outsider and never had a real sense of normality, or of right and wrong because of his unstable, unrooted upbringing. He tried to find normality and stability at university, and through successful masking (pretending to be ‘normal’) he managed to fit in. But then the metaphorical faeces hit the air ventilation appliance and he was dragged right back into his unstable life which confirmed he was a freak and unfit to live in normal society. However, he was deeply unhappy in the otherworld he found himself in, and unable to rely on his moral compass. I could have liked a Sam such as this quite a bit more if he were written more sympathetically, and if he were not such a mean-spirited bore.

Returning to the episode, what follows is a mostly boring scene in which Sam sets off a fire alarm to empty the block of flats and then he and Dean trap the demons guarding John in a cupboard. To do this, they use fire extinguishers full of holy water, then bar the door with salt. This scene also gave us Dean fulfilling a childhood dream by becoming Fireman!Dean (we live for Fireman!Dean, be honest), and it ends with Dean and Sam finding John, who is busy performing the wife’s role from Gerald’s Game.

This is followed by a quick exeunt down the fire escape (so people can get right from the street to your bedroom window on the nth floor? Why, Vancouver America, why?) with an indisposed John in tow. The Loquacious Terminator appears ex nihilo after John’s rescue and proceeds to beat Sam up while Dean struggles with John. Sam is utterly overpowered, but Alec X5-494 momentarily takes over control of Jensen’s body from Dean and roundhouse kicks The Loquacious terminator. If TLT were a normal human, this would have been enough to delete the last five years of his memory, but alas TLT yeets Dean Alec X5-494 into a car windscreen. Thankfully Dean and Alec’s vessel is made of much tougher stuff than a normal human: and he is not adversely affected by his second yeeting of the episode. Dean reasserts his control over Jensen’s body and ventilates TLT with the colt. After a horrified, uncomprehending look at the TLT’s dead body – the body of the man TLT possessed – Dean hurries John and Sam away from the scene towards the Impala.

There is not enough time for me to wonder why the streets were so empty that nobody noticed a gunshot, a fist fight, or Alec X5-494 making an appearance, as the next scene begins in a cabin somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Dean is deeply shaken by not having hesitated to kill Meg or shoot TLT in order to save Sam and John. ‘There was a real person in there.’ This is one of many occasions when the viewer is allowed to see behind Dean’s mask to what is beneath. Dean has never killed a human before this episode, and while the death of Meg and TLT’s vessels were not his fault, he holds himself accountable and is deeply hurt by having killed them.

This is painful for him for many reasons, one of which being the fact that humans generally do not enjoy killing other humans. But Dean has been groomed to believe that his only worth is in fighting for and protecting others, and for minimising their pain and suffering as much as possible, even at the cost of his own safety, health, and life. Killing Meg and TLT’s vessels goes against this, and he believes he has failed in his purpose. His care for his family and his hunter instincts are powerful enough to override his moral compass, and this raises the question in his mind: am I a monster?

I am also reminded of the fact that many war veterans who suffer PTSD are not traumatised by things which happened to them, but rather things they did. Being in war caused them to do things they would otherwise find inconceivable, and it brought them face to face with their own capability for violence. This is what I see in Dean: his own capability for violence scares him, even to the point of traumatisation.

Though Dean does not realise it, John’s treatment of him has not turned him into a mindless, hateful killer. He does not do what he does because he enjoys violence, but rather violence is a necessary part of what he does which he happens to excel at. Roughly fifteen years after Dean sits in that cabin pondering whether he truly is a bad person, somebody will tell him the truth about himself:

‘I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken. You're "daddy's blunt instrument." And you think that hate and anger, that's... That's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell... Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack... I cared about the whole world because of you.‘

Dean also beats himself up for having wasted one of the colt’s bullets in saving John, at which point John conveniently appears at just the right moment to reassure Dean, almost as if we were watching a television show. John praises Dean, but rather than being aglow with joy at finally hearing words of praise from his father, Dean almost shrugs it off, clearly very suspicious.

I will discuss in a few weeks’ time why exactly I read John as an abusive father, and why Jensen’s claim that a) Dean knew John loved him and b) John was not abusive are simply incongruous with what I can see on screen, including lines of dialogue which come out of Jensen’s very mouth. One such line appears in this scene. Dean recognises that John is not John because John praises him for having used a bullet to save him, rather than ‘tearing me a new one [by which he means ‘a new hole in his body’, i.e. ripping and stabbing, referring to extreme anger and possibly physical violence]).

The fact that Dean can tell John is not John by the fact he acts like a reasonable, loving father is another load of soil on the mountain of evidence in the case against John, but more on that in a dedicated essay. My reaction to this cutting line from Dean’s mouth was a) ouch and b) John wasted a bullet on a basic vampire, so if he had dared to chastise Dean for using it to perforate a demon, he would have been an utter hypocrite. Dean’s realisation leads him to draw the colt on John, and upon re-entering the room, Sam quickly takes Dean’s side (more of this Sam, please!) John tells Dean to shoot him if he is so confident, but a few tense seconds pass with Dean hesitating (once again reminding me strongly of Alec X5-494 from Dark Angel, specifically of some scenes in 2x11 The Berresford Agenda) before Azazel!John reveals himself by way of having yellow eyes.

Once more, Dean is yeeted into a wall because the writers love doing that to him, but at least it is a double yeet this time, as Sam is subjected to the same treatment (strangely enough, the cuts and blood from the beating he took earlier are gone). With his vessel’s sons duly pinned against opposite walls, Azazel!John proceeds to pontificate rather than snapping his fingers and killing both boys. He talks about how Sam was going to propose to Jess, and had even gone ring shopping (while still at university? Bold move, Sam. Almost as bold as Dean’s denim jacket and jeans combo), which is surprising seeing as how I have hardly seen Sam grieve at all. It is also revealed that Azazel killed Jess and Mary because they got in the way of his plans for Sam and the psychic children like him.

At this point, Dean breaks the monologue by saying ‘Listen, do you mind just getting this over with? I can’t stand the monologuing’, to which I had to chuckle. Other than this being characteristic of Dean, I also thought ‘Dean, just wait until you watch The Walking Dead; Negan is unbearable!’

The monologuing does indeed go on for a fair few minutes, but to be fair on the show, this is the conflict which the show has been leading up to for twenty two episodes, so it is acceptable. The boys spent most of series one searching for their dad, and the reason for them being in the story in the first place was Azazel forcing Mary to make the deal in 1973, and then murdering her in 1983. The boys (specifically Dean) wanted to find John and keep him safe, whereas Sam’s focus was revenge for Jess.

To have all of this come to a head in this manner is indeed some successful dramaturgy. It was also dramatically fitting that abused son Dean should end up almost cut open and torn apart by his dad, and that rebellious Sam should almost become a patricide. Most of what Azazel said to Dean after Dean’s monologue quip was entirely spot-on: Sam is John’s favourite (regardless of what Jeffrey Dean Morgan was thinking when he played the part), and John seems largely indifferent to whether Dean lives or dies. After all, he was nowhere to be seen in 1x12 Faith. That said, John and Sam do need Dean, as everything always falls apart when Dean is not around.

Dean taunts Azazel!John about having killed his kids, to which Azazel!John responds by ...well, it is quite hard to tell, as the camerawork does not reveal exactly what it is Azazel!John does to Dean. Dean bleeds quite profusely, but it is only after quite a while that I eventually managed to make out a cut on Dean’s chest. The amount of blood is much more than would be expected from a simple surface wound, so the cut must be quite deep. Still, the shots were bad in this section.

Paula R. Stiles commented on the vague similarities with Azazel’s torture of Dean here and sadomasochism. I honestly did not make any links between Dean bleeding to death and sexual gratification, but having it pointed out to me brought to mind the large number of posts I have seen of Dean (and Sam) covered in blood and cuts with notes or captions such as ‘Oh, he looks so cute, let me tuck him up in bed.’ This brings to mind a Jocasta complex rather than S&M, but maybe I am just weird in that men bleeding to death does not arouse me.

Something I am 100% certain of, however, is that sexual violation, rape, and sexualised violence are among the torture tactics used in Hell. This almost definitely happened to Dean, and some of the things Alistair says to Dean in 4x16 On the Head of a Pin heavily imply he raped Dean when Dean was in Hell. The same is true of some of Lucifer’s taunts of Sam. While I am glad none of this was shown, it is a shame that the effect and trauma of it is glossed over.

I am not too far away from 2x15 Tall Tales, where a young man is ‘ probed’ again and again and again. Read: he is raped. The audience is supposed to laugh at this.

But on the subject of sexualised violence, I and others have commented before on the fact that it is almost always Dean who is the victim of ‘sexualised’ violence on the show, as well as the fact that he is the butt of gay jokes. I am aware that Jensen is a very good-looking man, but why the hyperfocus on doing this to his character? Is it supposed to be a comment on ‘masculinity’, since casual viewers and plenty of writers see him as ‘a manly man’? Or is it just a case of sexualising Jensen for the reasons outlined in 1x04 Phantom Traveler, and thinking it is harmless because he is a man?

Returning to the scene and the discussion of bad shots, what was not bad was Jensen’s acting. I am aware I have already indulged myself this analysis, but Jensen’s acting, Dear Reader! Dear Reader, Jensen’s acting! He switches seamlessly from sneering in the face of death and taunting his would-be-killer to a scared, dying little boy struggling to stop himself screaming long enough to beg his father to save him. ‘Dad, don’t you let it kill me.’ He looks in stricken horror at the torrent of blood flowing out of the wound in his chest, knowing he is probably about to die in a lot of pain. And then the final bloody-mouthed ‘please’.

Why is this man on this shit-show of a show? Why could we not have had him on Buffy, where most of the writers do not suck? Or something with a big budget like Battlestar Galactica? If Dark Angel had not been cancelled in favour of Joss Whedon’s Firefly, the show could have been finishing its sixth series at the time this episode was broadcast, and then I would not have to miss Alec X5-494 so much.

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Then again, somebody less talented might have been chosen to portray Dean...

John manages to momentarily wrest control of his body from Azazel in a scene reminiscent of Sam regaining control over his body in the graveyard in 5x22 Swan Song, both occasions after the entities in their bodies had been hurting Dean. The damage is done, and for all John knows Dean is dead. Sam points the colt at John as Azazel reasserts control, then shoots John in the thigh. With Azazel weakened, John is able to finally reassert control over his own body, but Azazel is still in there, and John orders Sam to kill him, bellowing for him to shoot him in the heart and end it. Sam, once again, hesitates and lets Azazel get away.

Some reading this might feel I am being unfair to Sam here. After all, Dean too hesitated to shoot minutes prior to this. However, Dean did not know for certain that John was possessed, whereas Sam did. Contrary to popular belief, I am also human and understand that shooting one’s father would be one of the hardest things to do, even if it would mean killing a demon. This does not mean Sam’s second failure to kill Azazel is not frustrating.

Dean is mercifully still alive (I would not have continued watching if he had died) and begs Sam not to kill John, and Sam of course does not. Azazel escapes, and the Winchesters climb into the car and drive to hospital (which according to Sam is ten minutes away). John seems none the worse for wear, and Sam positively chipper, but Dean is bleeding out and struggling to retain consciousness in the back seat.

What this scene reveals to the viewer is that Sam’s motivations and character have changed slightly. John chastises him for not shooting him, saying that killing the demon comes before everything (so John would let Dean die if it meant killing Azazel. Would he let Sam die, though?) and that he thought they were agreed on that. Sam, however, looks at Dean in the rear-view mirror, and disagrees with John. Revenge does not come before everything. At least in this scene, Sam values his family over revenge. If only the show had stuck with this version of Sam...

The scene ends with a lorry blind-siding them, and before the credits roll, the camera shows the wreckage made of the Impala in the collision, followed by panning up to reveal the lorry driver’s black eyes – he is possessed by a demon.

And so the first series ends. 1x22 Devil’s Trap is a lot better than some episodes I have reviewed so far, but there are a few scenes which slow it down a bit. Given the low budget of the show, what we got was the most that could have been expected. (The viewership was also: at its most popular, it only had around half the number of viewers for its live broadcast as Buffy did at its least popular. Supernatural was almost cancelled during its second series due to this.) However, the drama the episode offered was a satisfactory conclusion to the first series.

#edvard's supernatural guide #spn meta #spn #supernatural #spn 1x22 devil's trap #dean winchester #sam winchester #john f*cking winchester #jensen ackles #Yellow-Eyed Demon #s01e22 #dark angel #alec x5-494 #meg 1.0 #nicki aycox #rockstar!jensen

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ssa-montgomery · 3 years ago

Text

hold onto me 'cause I'm a little unsteady

Word Count: 2047

Summary: Y/N's OCD is triggered while on a case and Hotch is there to help.

Characters: Hotch x GN!Reader

Warnings: Anxiety, description of a panic attack, reader suffers from OCD, description of a pretty gross house, emotional hurt/comfort

A/N: Yeah so I'll be honest I'm not entirely sure what this is. It's really just a vent piece I guess, everything included in this is really just my own personal experience and probably isn't accurate for everyone. I'm not even sure if this will appeal to many people but I thought I'd post it for those who may want to read it :)

Prompt(s): "I don't care if I don't get any sleep tonight. As long as I can be there for you."

Feedback is what motivates me to work so please let me know what you think! Reblogs are also greatly appreciated.

Taglist is open!

Masterlist

This was the worst place you'd had to search in a while, maybe not the worst on the scale of mentally scarring unsub torture houses you'd dug through but the worst in the terms of filth. It became apparent the second you walked in that keeping his house clean was not at the top of this unsubs list. There was a thick layer of dust across every surface and a mountain of plates, glasses and take away containers had been left out to mould in most rooms, the worst of it concentrated in the kitchen.

The feeling of uneasiness crept into your chest as you made your way around, conscious of your movements as you tried your best not to touch off anything. The field was no place for your anxieties and you always did your best to keep them at bay as much as you could but sometimes - times like this - something just got under your skin and you couldn't shake the feeling. The precinct received an anonymous tip naming this house as the home base of your unsub and you rode out with Morgan and Hotch to check it out.

You'd since spilt up to search around after clearing the house and you were now standing alone in the middle of what seemed to have once been a study. You made your way over to the desk to examine an old journal in hopes that it could give you some insight into the life of your unsub. The journal didn't seem helpful as you quickly skimmed over the page it was left open on, it more than likely belonged to the previous owners of the house and not your unsub at all.

You moved to turn the page over wanting to make sure there wasn't anything useful but as you did your wrist brushed against something on the table, the sudden feeling making you drop the journal back onto the table. You weren't entirely sure what it was that you'd touched but it left an uncomfortable feeling against your skin.

"Y/L/N, you alright?" You pulled your gaze away from your wrist and turned to see Hotch standing in the doorway, watching you curiously.

"I um, yeah, sorry I just I thought I found something but it's nothing." You stuttered out trying to refocus yourself on the task at hand instead of on the way your skin now felt like it was crawling, or the growing urge to run to the nearest bathroom and scrub your hands clean. Not that you'd actually be able to clean anything in this house, in fact, you guessed that the bathroom was probably in worse condition than this room.

"Okay well I think we're done here, there's nothing else we can find. It's time to head home for the night, we can regroup in the morning." That was the one good thing about this case, it was based close enough to Quantico that you could go home to your own apartment rather than to some hotel every night. You most certainly needed that right now. All you wanted to do was get home to somewhere that felt safe.

You nodded and followed Hotch downstairs as you made your way outside, staying quiet as you went. Working with profilers it was hard to keep anything a secret and most of the time someone would always pick up on it when something was wrong. You could tell that was happening now as Hotch let you walk ahead of him, his eyes watching you closely as you went. He didn't say anything, clearly not wanting to press the issue and you appreciated that.

"Y/N, ride with me." Hotch insisted once you got outside, pulling the passenger door open for you. "I'm heading your way anyway so I'll drop you home."

"Sure, thank you, Hotch." You agreed after a moment's hesitation. You were sure you wouldn't be great company with the growing panic in your chest- that only seemed to be getting worse but frustratingly slowly - but you could use the distraction.

The drive to your apartment wasn't that long, twenty minutes at max but now that you had stopped and allowed your brain a moment to catch up with itself every minute seemed to drag out forever. Your initial fears had just continued to grow sending you into a tailspin of anxiety until it felt like it was pushing down on your chest, making it hard for you to breathe. While you'd enjoyed the silence at first it was now only making you feel worse as you had no way to shut out any of your thoughts. You were so focused on keeping your hands away from your clothes, not wanting to have to worry about changing completely once you got inside that you'd barely noticed the SUV coming to a stop.

Hotch unbuckled his seat belt and turned in his seat to face you. He must have been able to read everything that was building inside you on your face as he started to reach a hand out towards you before stopping himself, instead, resting it on the edge of your seat.

"Can I come up with?" He asked gently. "I can tell somethings wrong and I don't want to leave you alone like this."

You just nodded your head, not trusting your voice to answer him. It happened every time you spiralled into a panic attack, slowly you started to shut down until you weren't even able to speak with shaking uncontrollably. You climbed out of the car and headed towards your apartment, letting Hotch trail behind you as you went. You felt like your body was on autopilot as you reached into your bag and pulled out your keys, unlocking your door with shakey hands.

You dropped everything the second you stepped into your apartment and darted towards the bathroom leaving Hotch standing awkwardly in your hallway. Once the bathroom door shut behind you, you started the tap running the warm water over your hands. You scrubbed where your wrist had touched against the object, rinsing the soap away before repeating the process again and again until the repetition finally started to calm your nerves.

It was enough to stop the feeling of your skin crawling but the anxiety that had built up still weighted down on you and refused to budge as you fought back tears, finally meeting your reflection in the mirror. Your eyes were red and watery with unshed tears. You tried to swallow the feeling, stepping out of the bathroom to return to Hotch. When you found him he'd made his way into your living room and was standing next to your couch.

"Y/N, what's wrong?" He asked, his voice laced with concern when he turned to meet your eyes.

You shook your head not even sure how to begin to explain to Hotch how you were feeling. You'd never told any of the team the true extent of what you dealt with and while you were sure they'd picked up on pieces of it nobody really knew the truth. It felt no matter how hard you tried to explain it, you could never find the right words. You walked towards the couch but instead of taking a seat, you sunk to the floor in front of it, leaning back against it. The feeling of the hard floor beneath your hands helping to ground you. Hotch moved around the couch to join you, sitting close but not quite close enough to touch.

"How can I help?" He questioned watching as you tried to hold in the sob that threatened to spill out. Some of your comforts felt silly now that you were faced with the idea of explaining them to Hotch. You were always afraid of being judged for the things you needed in moments like these but you needed at least a small comfort right now.

"Can you um, can you light the candle on the fireplace?" You asked nervously gesturing towards one of your larger scented candles that sat on your fireplace. Hotch nodded and reached for the nearby lighter before lighting the candle. It took a few tries for the flame to take but once it did he returned to his place next to you.

You took a deep breath, focusing on the rich scent that filled your nose. Sometimes when your body went into sensory overload like this the candles helped. The focus on one major sense that you could control helped to settle your body. You were very aware of Hotch's presence next to you and the need for comfort resurfaced stronger than ever when his hand brushed against yours on the floor. Hotch had always been a comforting presence in your life, while maybe you weren't incredibly close he was there for you when you needed him.

Before you could stop yourself you turned and buried your face in the crook of his neck, finally letting out the sob you had been holding back. You felt Hotch tense at first, clearly taken aback by your sudden movement but in less than second his arms were wrapped around you pulling you closer to him. The feeling of his arms around you was overwhelming as you finally let out everything you'd been feeling. You tightened your arms around his waist as you clung to him, your whole body shaking with the force of your sobs. Hotch brought one hand to rest on the back of your head while he tangled his fingers in your hair holding you tight against his chest. His other hand smoothed across your back, rhythmically running up and down your spine as he whispered comforting words in your ear.

"Shush Y/N, it's okay. I'm right here." He mumbled next to your ear, his voice quiet as he tried to calm you. His voice was soothing, every word helping you catch your breath just that little bit more. "You're safe here."

When your sobs finally stopped, reduced to sniffles as you tried your best to catch your breath, you slumped against Hotch's chest. You weren't sure if you were calmer now or simply becoming numb. You let him hold you, too exhausted both mentally and physically to even try and move away.

"It's hard sometimes." You started, your voice was hoarse from crying as slightly muffled as you kept your face buried in the crook of his neck. "To feel safe when that happens, when my own brain won't let me stop out of fear of something as minor as germs and dirt hurting me. So thank you. Thank you for staying."

"Of course, Y/N." Hotch nodded, his hand still stroking through your hair as your breath fanned against his neck. "If you ever need to talk or if you ever need time off you can always come to me. I want to help."

"I don't want to keep you all night." You said as you finally pushed yourself away from Hotch and rubbed at your teary eyes. You could feel the pressure of a headache building and all you wanted was to crawl into your bed and to forget the world. You didn't want to keep Hotch up all night just because you were having a rough night. "You should go home, get some rest."

You went to stand, pushing yourself up from where you were sitting but just before you got to your feet you felt Hotch gently grasp your hand in his. He tugged you back down next to him and cupped your cheek in his free hand.

"I don't care if I don't get any sleep tonight. As long as I can be there for you." You were surprised by the sincerity in his voice but there was something in his eyes, a determination to help that had you melting back into the contact. You stopped fighting it and let him.

"Can we just, stay here for a while?" You whispered.

He nodded at you and wrapped you up in his arms again, helping you settle comfortably into his lap. You rested your head against his chest, letting your eyes flutter shut as you listened to the steady beat of his heart as you eventually drifted off to sleep.

Taglist: @marauder-level-chaos

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