#(his personality is at least 85% jorts)

[raiiny-bay]

another wip

[bobbystompy]

Marian Hossa’s 22 Best Blackhawks Moments

Marian Hossa is sitting out the 2017-18 season due to complications from an equipment allergy. Obviously the Blackhawks are dead and will never win another Stanley Cup, but even sadder, we have been robbed of by far the coolest player in the NHL. While, sometimes, losers like Sidney Crosby capture the Stanley Cup, the dopest, trillest OGs of the NHL win even when they don’t.

Hossa was that dude, man.

It’s very difficult to really ‘rank’ any of Marian’s top moments because each one was and is a gift. So let’s just go, because this already sucks so bad.

- Eating pierogies out of the Stanley Cup

Haha -- he did this more than once.

- Scoring two goals in his first game with the Blackhawks

After signing with the squad in the summer of ‘09, Hossa got some cool injury and missed the early portion of the season, where losers have to actually try to work on getting good. The gawd? Hit the ice running in November against the Sharks, as the Blackhawks gave the rest of the league a mood change and sign of what was to come, winning 7-2 on a fantastic Black Wednesday. I remember being in some sweaty, packed bar, surrounded by old friends, and wondering how legitimate this team was going to be. Answer: real as it gets.

Following the game, he gave us this gem: "I wanted to keep things simple. Who would say we would go 7-2? Everybody played a great game and my shoulder felt fine. I took a couple of hits and it was OK."

- King of the empty netters

Why beat a goalie when you can beat no one?

- Missing so many practices for maintenance days

- The “Bitches Love Hossa Song”

- The Follow Up “Bitches Love Hossa” Photograph

- Playing his 1000th NHL game

I was in attendance, and when the Blackhawks took the UC ice to Jay-Z’s “Dynasty Intro” all donned in 81 jerseys? Hooooooooooooooooooly fuck. This was thee coolest shit to happen in the building post-Michael Jordan.

The theme song to The Sopranos / Plays in the key of life on my mental piano

- When his daughter squeezed his nose at the 500th goal ceremony

- Hoses

Hossa splits the defense like Moses parting the Red Sea.

- Signing a god damn 12-year contract at age 30

"Now I don't have to worry about dealing with it year-to-year. I'm set for 12 years. That will make it easier and I can focus on hockey," Hossa said.

- “WHAT / OK”

He’s basically Lil Jon.

(That’s my then roommate J-Papp laughing in the background.)

- The Predators OT goal in the 2010 playoffs

Way before Nashville was Smashville, 81 was taking fucking souls. This is a forever goal.

- The “WE THE REAL ROCKSTARS” pic with Duncan Keith in 2015

- The @MarianHossaSay Twitter account

Do you remember what Hossa’s personality was like before #MurderSkate, trolling opponents, horrible grammar, and an illogical love of Malört? Me neither.

- The kinda-geeky-kinda-cool celebrations

- The selfies

He barely even knew what the Internet was back in 2009.

- Him and his agent using some weird formula to pick his team in free agency

"When Marian hired us, one of his objectives consistently was to look for an elite organization to play for," Winter said. "We do a statistical analysis of performance to determine (elite teams)."

[...]

"You can, using statistical models, determine with a high degree of probability, the 100-point teams," Winter said.

Winter, with help from mathematical advisors, has determined exactly how many points a contending team needs from its top six forward group and top four defensemen, and the save percentage required from a goalie to become a 100-point team.  For example, if all thresholds are met from the defensemen and goalies, a team that gets at least 143 goals from its top six forwards will get 100 points. According to Winter, that number has stayed true every year since the lockout. He has calculations like that for every position.

"I will make arguments to teams that they need a little more up front, that they need X, Y or Z and the models prove it out," he said. "It's a model we've developed using a little bit of Moneyball in hockey."

...uh, sure.

Speaking of math...

- The time the girl honored him on a math test and he rewarded her with his presence

Math can be used for good.

- Wearing “Stone Cold” Steve Austin jorts to the victory parade in 2015

- The Shrine

- The Valentine

- Toews hands Hossa the Stanley Cup in 2010

If god doesn’t exist, she did that night. Here’s what I wrote, reflecting in 2011:

With a much higher Redwings tolerance than the average Blackhawks fan, I found myself totally in Hossa's corner when Penguins fans turned on him after he decided to take his talents to Detroit Rock City in pursuit of a Stanley Cup for the 2008-09 season. When 'Wings fans did the exact same thing just one year later, I was about ready to roll with Hossa forever. I figured I might even have to regardless, as the Blackhawks signed him to a contract that was about 40 years long.

[...]

...Toews, after raising the Stanley Cup for the first time himself, gave it to Hossa to hoist second. It was chilling, deserving and it fit the celebration perfectly.

Watch the clip. Toews has the Cup in his hand and says in an almost threatening, professional wrestler-esque tone, "Where's Hoss?!" while other Blackhawks tell Hossa forcefully "Take it, Hoss! Take it, Hoss!"

No. 81 then raises the Cup, looking like a little kid while the NBC announcer poignantly says "you knew he was next" before he bows out and lets the moment carry itself. It was like Hossa was so happy, he didn't even realize he was about to hold the trophy until the second it touched his hands. He looks so completely surprised even though he knew he was about to have it handed to him. Hockey's just great for moments like that. They provide connection, and that's why Marian Hossa resonated.

The culmination of greatness. Big Hoss went on to make five Stanley Cup finals in eight years, play two-way like no one else, give bland as hell perfect interviews, and stabilize a dynastic run of hockey in Chicago. He joins MJ, Jermaine Dye, and Julius Peppers on the Mount Rushmore of coolest Chicago athletes. He is the ‘85 Bears, only the exact opposite/actually good. I can think of no bigger compliment.

So get well, 81. Please come back. It just can’t be over.

We may not ever know if it’s better to burn out than fade away, but if this truly is the end, it almost feels like Marian Hossa was able to do both.