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pettyelves · 7 years ago

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Long Ass Chart

Character Chart

Character’s full name: Arbiter Eilithe Duskbringer Reason or meaning of name: OOCly I love Gaelic names- icly, her mother just liked the name-- the surname is of importance to all Duskbringers, because it is one they chose. Character’s nickname: E, Lithy, Eili, Eye- PS she hates them all Reason for nickname: To irritate her, she presumes. Birth date: May 12th

Physical appearance

Age: Somewhere between three and four thousand How old does he/she appear: By human comparison, early-mid thirties Weight: 150/160lbs Height: 6′ Body build: Toned Shape of face: Square Jaw Eye color: Deep Gray Glasses or contacts: Nope Skin tone: Getting more tan now that she lives in Dead Sun, still mostly pale Distinguishing marks: Scars- Claw-like slashes on her shoulders, gunshot scar on her right side, slashes on her stomach, various minor ones on her legs. Tattoos- Strange mark on her left wrist, an upward facing moon cupping a circle between her brows, Kaldorei mark of the Owl, a small spider in the middle of her spine, a serpent vweaving through peonies on her right forearm. Predominant features: Weird eyes, pierced elfie ears Hair color: Midnight Blue-Black Type of hair: Wild curls Hairstyle: Down usually Voice: Raspy and low Overall attractiveness: She’s purdy good looking- bit rougher from the neck down. Physical disabilities: Weak ass ribs. Usual fashion of dress: Black- Leather or loose cloth (and often see-through dresses)

Favorite outfit: There’s a black chiffon dress she wears a lot, feels the most comfortable in loose pants and a tank top. Jewelry or accessories: Earrings, an emerald ring on her right ring finger, daggers or short swords.

Personality

Good personality traits: Loyal, Generous (usually), Protective, Loving, Cunning Bad personality traits: 100% Bitchiness, Ill-tempered, Paranoid, Petty, Stubborn, Unsure Mood character is most often in: A very quiet depression that she’s carefully keeping herself from plunging into Sense of humor: Queen of Petty™ Character’s greatest joy in life: Her children, The Family Character’s greatest fear: The unknown, Uncertainty. Why? Because she feels she can survive anything so long as she knows it is coming. What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? Losing Eilonwy would destroy her, Losing her ‘adopted’ An’Diel children, Kurel breaking their deal, Losing anyone from her inner circle. Character is most at ease when: When everyone is getting the fuck along and making money Most ill at ease when: She is being questioned. Enraged when: (By) Cowardice, Hurting kids, Slavers, Violators, She makes a mistake Depressed or sad when: She makes a mistake, she feels hopeless. Priorities: Her daughter, Her Family, Dead Sun Harbor, Her Businesses Life philosophy: ‘Ya’Til-Anath’ - which is just the made up elf version of ‘Momento Mori’- ‘Remember that you must die’ If granted one wish, it would be: A prosperous family Why? Because that means everyone would be getting the fuck along Character’s soft spot: Children, Slaves, the poor and hungry Is this soft spot obvious to others? Hugely Greatest strength: ‘Rabid’ will Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Easily exploited Biggest regret: How she faked ‘The Spiders’ death Minor regret: Waste of Time Biggest accomplishment: Her children and her empire (AKA Dead Sun) Minor accomplishment: Bleeding secrets out of a proverbial Fort Knox of a Pirate Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: She dead ass went running down a dock to try and help someone whilst they were being attack and proceeded to knock herself out cold via tripping and faceplanting Why? She’s an old ass rogue that, because of my crit fail, busted her ass infront of goddamn everyone. Character’s darkest secret: The manner in which her pseudonym ‘The Spider’ was executed Does anyone else know? Yes, the people who created what stood in Eilithe’s place for execution.

Goals

Drives and motivations: ‘Still have things to do’ Immediate goals: Fix what she did to Kurel, Fix her relationships with Recke and Elle-- also GETTING THE FUCK OUT of wherever the Golden Orb took her Long term goals: Cash Money $$$, Expanding she and Kurel’s businesses. How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Ways...Mysterious ways How other characters will be affected: Kurel will be stronger, Recke and Elle will hopefully be happier. DSH will be richer

Past

Hometown: A secluded village in Feralas Type of childhood: Happy, then sad for a bit, then okay Pets: Some random cat First memory: Learning to swing a dagger, ‘the right way’ with her mom. Most important childhood memory: The death of her parents, but also all the teachings that they passed to her. Why? Eilithe was very close with her parents, and the way she was raised in that village shaped the code for Mortua Sol Childhood hero: Her mother. Dream job: Livin’ it Education: Various teachers over the years Religion: Not Focused on, but Elune Finances: Lived in a bargaining society, very little need for coin- but they had some

Present

Current location: Somewhere-- before the plot? Dead Sun or Stormwind Currently living with: Kurel An’Diel, Eilonwy Duskbringer, Karkah An’Diel, Diana Moonfeather-- and on the same property are Xavier Sunshadow and Saeris Blackblade Pets: Kaz’Alarion, a cat that comes and goes as he damn well pleases Religion: Voodoo Occupation: Arbiter of Dead Sun Harbor, Businesswoman Finances: Okay, but not as good as they were

Family

Mother: Meridianna (Lu’Cerne) Duskbringer Relationship with her: Very close Father: Valedinel Stormsinger Relationship with him: Close, but not as close as with mom Siblings: (From Oldest to Youngest) An’Set Duskbringer, Sulerion Duskbringer, (Eilithe), Moltai Duskbringer Relationship with them: Much love, Tolerant- mostly hate, Doesn’t know who Moli exists Spouse: (sort of) Kurel An’Diel Relationship with him/her: Carefully Co-existing, comfortable Children: (Oldest to Youngest) Threshad Duskbringer (Missing), Ayoden Duskbringer (presumed dead), Eilonwy Duskbringer--- (Under her care) Karkah An’Diel, Xavier Sunshadow/An’Diel Relationship with them: Close with Eilonwy, Trying to get close to Karkah, deeply devoted to Xavier Other important family members:

Favorites

Color: Black, Red Least favorite color: Yellow Music: Tribal, Drums Food: Dumplings Literature: Fairytales Form of entertainment: Reading, Drinking Expressions: “Get Fucked.” Mode of transportation: ‘Doorways’ aka Portals Most prized possession: Her mother’s daggers, an anklet

Habits

Hobbies: Drinking, Event Going, Event Planning, Making Money, Sparring, Sunbathing Plays a musical instrument? A little piano/lute Plays a sport? Sparring How he/she would spend a rainy day: Sit on the patio and read- or play in it with Eilonwy Spending habits: Hands out gold to people like it is candy sometimes Smokes: A ton Drinks: Often Other drugs: In moderation What does he/she do too much of? People pleasing What does he/she do too little of? Eating Extremely skilled at: Master of Thrown weapons, daggers, Exploiting technicalities Extremely unskilled at: Letting shit go Nervous tics: Nervously petting- as it a repetitive motion over and over, usually someone’s hair. Pacing. Usual body posture: Loose and probably arrogant Mannerisms: Varies by who is around her Peculiarities: Doesn’t like to eat in public

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? Pessimist Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert that’s lowkey and Introvert Daredevil or cautious? This is situational Logical or emotional? Also situational, usually emotional if it concerns herself Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Oraganized disorcer Prefers working or relaxing? Working Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Situational Animal lover? 'Meh’

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: She kind of wishes she could just ‘shut off’ her emotions One word the character would use to describe self: Water One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: ‘Eilithe Duskbringer is never going to stop.’ What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Cunning What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? Emotional What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? Eyes What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? Scars How does the character think others perceive him/her: Depends on who--anything from an unworthy leader to the greatest mother ever What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Nothing, ever.

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: She’s trying to adapt ‘Trust until they prove untrustworthy’ mindset Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Almost always Person character most hates: A list has many names Best friend(s): Strixena Draconis, Elle Sunweaver, Recke Stoutmantle Love interest(s): Kurel ‘I don’t want to’ An’Diel Person character goes to for advice: Kurel, Recke, Raylen Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Literally everyone she meets that isn’t ‘bad’ Person character feels shy or awkward around: Karkah An’Diel Person character openly admires: Varies, Strix, Recke, Kurel, Elle, Raylen. Then she could turn around and shit on one or all of them. It just depends Person character secretly admires: Full time moms Most important person in character’s life before story starts: Her Mother and Father-- among other Shal’Thera Kaldorei After story starts: Her kids and the Family

Tagged by: @ellwelune

tagging: @mortua-sol

#Character Dev

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marinschoolssuper · 4 years ago

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Let’s Check Our Thought Process

MAKING A COMMITMENT TO CRITICAL THINKING

“When we are not given reasons, you must understand the natural human response is to form our own conclusions. And I feel that is what we have done.”

-Comment recorded at a school board meeting

Recently, as part of a group exercise, I was asked to reflect on my “greatest professional learning” during the pandemic. We were given a few weeks to think and then were asked to share our responses when we met.

A cynical answer popped into my mind: People don’t practice critical thinking very well and are either unconscious of that or are willing to flaunt it without shame.

The quotation at the top of the page is verbatim; It was spoken during a well-attended public meeting. It was not taken out of context; it was offered plainly in an effort to explain peoples’ actions by framing the thought process that guided them.

More outrageous than the statement itself (which argues openly in favor of prejudice and justifies acting without understanding relevant facts) was the lack of response from others in the on-line meeting. No one pushed back. No one questioned the premise, a premise that would be flatly rejected by any competent scientist, logician, academic publication or court of law. It hardly needs dissecting; its potential consequences are so obvious. And yet, 40 people remained silent. In a governance meeting of an institution dedicated to learning, dedicated to teaching children how to think rationally and independently, someone was able to say something so irrational and receive no response other than some nodding agreement from the audience.

To be fair, emotions were running high and arguing a logical counterpoint (even an argument that nearly makes itself simply by repeating what was said slowly) would probably come across as aggressive and partisan. But later on, when the emotional tenor of the meeting had subsided, shouldn’t the entire group, including the person who said it, have taken a moment to reflect and consider the foolishness of such thinking? Are we so concerned with the fragility of others’ egos that we don’t have the collective will to set and reinforce norms for rational thinking like we do for other elements of public discourse?

Unfortunately, I believe we do not. The year of the pandemic has provided many examples of our cultural tendency to avoid being critical of others’ reasoning in favor of avoiding hurt feelings or of “just moving on”. In board meetings, task force gatherings and during the every-day interactions in our schools, I have observed the abject failure of critical thinking coupled with the social failure to respond. (In some cases people have even applauded fundamentally flawed thinking.)

Maybe, like a man with a hammer to whom the world appears to be a nail, I am seeing the failure of critical thinking everywhere I look. However, it may not be that the pandemic has diminished peoples’ capacity to think critically; perhaps this widely-shared social deficit was just as bad before COVID-19 and the crisis has simply made it more plain.

COMMON POPULAR LAPSES IN CRITICAL THINKING

Your Truth, Best Practices, Trauma, Words are Violence and Speaking from the Heart.

“Thank you for telling your truth.” I heard someone say recently when another person shared a perspective and a set of supporting facts that could have brought about reasonable disagreement. I had to check my own thinking because I happened to agree with the person’s perspective. But that doesn’t mean she was sharing the truth. If my “truth” were different from hers and mutually exclusive, would that mean that there are two contradictory truths? If that is the case, doesn’t that mean that truth and perspective have become synonymous? Doesn’t that give Kellyanne Conway license to develop “alternative facts” when the actual facts don’t support her perspective or opinion? Doesn’t that mean Donald Trump is still the President or that at least has reasonable claim to the office?

I have running joke with a colleague: During a discussion or debate, whomever declares “best practice” first, wins. We’ve even begun team meetings by entering the room and shouting “best practice!” before anyone else can talk. It actually gets funny when you start listening for it at work. By beginning your proposition thus: “Best practice says….” one automatically ties a potentially controversial statement (fairly easy to debate) to one’s own professional judgement and reputation, which others are usually more hesitant to question. An idea is somewhat independent of the person but a judgement is not, and people in polite company generally prefer to debate ideas rather than question others’ judgement.

For example, if I were to say that giving 3rd graders timed multiplication fact tests in large groups is “best practice” anyone who argues with me not only objects to the tests but also insults me by questioning my judgement.

On the other hand if I were to make the proposition without judgement: “I’m thinking of giving my 3rd grade class a timed whole group multiplication test on Friday.” It is more socially acceptable for my colleagues to give me candid feedback. I’m not hitching my wagon to the practice but expressing an idea. The obvious advantage to that is it gives one better access to the wisdom of one’s colleagues, helps one clarify his or her thinking and act in a more effective and humane manner.

I’ve heard the word “trauma” abused to the point that feel traumatized when I hear it. I’m exactly half kidding. Hearing the word trauma does not cause me trauma but the term trauma has been weakened substantially by overuse. Last week I was in a meeting and the host said, “I understand all of our kids have suffered trauma over the last year.” Being polite, and not wanting to disrupt her flow as the meeting began, I resisted the temptation to speak up and say, “No, they have not. Some kids are happier and more resilient now than they were before the pandemic and we should not expect them to suffer long term psychological harm. Others have had a hard time but have not suffered trauma. Maybe some (I would guess a small number) have gone through trauma but certainly not all of them.

Trauma indicates the need for a serious response either medically or psychologically. To claim that all children have suffered trauma when common sense and probability would argue otherwise is doubly problematic. First, diagnosing all children with trauma might lead us to implement an uneven distribution of resources, reducing timely access for legitimately traumatized children. Secondly, declaring universal trauma weakens the term itself. For example, if my child is presumed to have had trauma (absent a serious medical or psychological event that can be reasonably predicted to cause long-term problems) he is put on the same footing as another child who actually did suffer a serious medical or psychological event. Should he not then be treated with the same urgency? After a while because everyone is traumatized, no one is traumatized.

“There are different kinds of violence, words are violence!” An audience member asserted during the public comment period in a recent school board meeting. Others nodded. Words can be violent metaphorically but in and of themselves words are never violent. Similar to trauma, the entire concept of violence (and its attendant appropriate responses) are weakened by misuse. Words can certainly be powerful. They can encourage, perhaps even cause violence, but alone, they do not constitute violence.

It is important to make that distinction. For example, if someone were to say to me, I am going to say some really horrible words to you or if you prefer, I am going to do something physically violent to you, which would you choose? I’m pretty sure, I’d opt for the words even if I didn’t have the details about the kind of violence being planned. If a guy in the next car yells a nasty name at me, I would certainly prefer that to him punching me in the mouth. We can ignore words. We can tune them out. We can consider them and respond. Lumping words together with real violence lessens the outrage we should feel about violence and increases the outrage we should be able to control about words.

Okay, I am going to speak from the heart: I have learned that when I speak from the heart it is acceptable to say anything no matter how irrational, absurd or self-serving without fear that others will question it. Speaking from the heart gets my audience to pause and understand that my forthcoming statement is deeply attached to my emotional composition and that challenging it will go beyond questioning my logic and into the realm of hurting my feelings. I know that questioning my logic is socially appropriate and professionally desirable but hurting my feelings goes too far! If I speak from the heart well enough, I might even choke up a little letting everyone know a line has been drawn that should not be crossed. Real speaking from the heart also signals my virtue because it shows I have the courage to be vulnerable in public. What brute would argue with someone who has the courage to be vulnerable, to speak from the heart?

I actually spoke from the heart accidentally a few weeks ago. I was in a meeting and was accused of something I thought was particularly unfair. When I responded, I choked up a little, something I try to avoid in my professional life, but it happens from time to time. Anyway, the people who had said the thing I didn’t appreciate changed their tone and were suddenly very polite to me and even thanked me for being vulnerable. They assured me that they understood my perspective and knew my intentions were positive. So I know speaking from the heart works but I’ll still try to avoid it. (I know when it comes up naturally it works better than when you just declare it in advacne.)

Kidding aside, wrapping one’s opinion or perspective in emotional language or gestures is problematic. It squelches honest inquiry and may discourage others from sharing important information that will help everyone concerned. Emotions are important and worth our attention but they should not be used as a tool to override reason. Emotions arise in all of us and deserve consideration but they also deserve time to settle so that we can think straight. We need to allow others that courtesy as well. When someone speaks “from the heart”, including oneself, it’s worth listening, maybe even acting. But the words that come from that kind of speaking need time to cool off and be tempered by dispassionate critical thinking.

We Can Work on This... and we should!

A cultural tendency to avoid critical thinking was not, it turns out, my greatest learning from the pandemic. A deeper recognition of our ability to consider any situation, let emotions arise and eventually choose our response was. This isn’t a new lesson but a deepening of an old one. It gives me the optimism to get back to the work of advocating for critical thinking for ourselves and for our children. It isn’t easy. It can make people angry. I think its what got Socrates killed. But it is, I believe, the core of our work: Critical thinking is the foundation for all the subjects kids learn in school. And it’s time to re-commit to making it a central feature of our work and discourse.

To that end I propose a community-wide, long term study of the topic. I’d like to start by recommending the adoption of a definition of critical thinking, the one offered by The Foundation for Critical Thinking: The art of analyzing and evaluating thought processes with a view to improving them. Critical Thinking is self-directed, self-disciplined, self-monitored and self-corrective thinking. (Linda Elder, 2020)

From here, I hope we can make it fun and interesting. We need to get comfortable with being wrong about things and re-thinking our positions. It’s not about winning individually but improving as a community of learners. That’s an important part of our mission.

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grief-is-a-noun · 4 years ago

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ode to the ex-boyfriend

I’ve never written about jake before, in a manner where i really gave myself time to sort out the way that i feel about him. When I broke up with him I was the happiest girl on the planet. I was finally free. Free from all his lies, his manipulative tendencies, his apparent and utterly dominant abuse. I don’t care what anyone says. I don’t care what anyone thinks that they know. He told me once he loved me so much because i was the only one who really knew him. I was the only one who actually saw him for who he was and he was right. I was the only one that saw him for the monster that he really is. He said I was the only person he didn’t have a surfaced relationship with. I’m sure he held onto me because it was exhausting being the fake “mr. nice guy”. He takes after his father. I remember coming over one weekend all three days (friday,saturday, and sunday) and his parents were fighting. I asked jake if everything was okay and he said his father is “irritated” at his mother because she suggested that he should’ve taken a different tone when speaking to the technical support guy on the phone. Can you believe that shit? Like ok, it doesn’t matter that there are children being sex trafficked, people who are homeless, injustice happening everywhere in the world, i’m going to waste my energy on being upset at my wife because my life is all about fucking me and how irate i get once i’m slightly inconvenienced. Not like I believe in the bible or anything that is the pinnacle calling for living a selfless life. I believe jakes mother has been mentally abused by mr. mcfaul her entire life, but she feels obligated toward him because in some cynical dark way she contributes her faith to him. In her mind, perhaps, she believes he is the one that kept her aligned with God. she needs to give herself more credit. Mr. mcfaul was always a nice man to me, he never did anything to hurt me but he failed to teach his son the proper way to take care of a woman and for that a part of me resents him. I honestly feel bad for him because when I look at him I see a man who doesn’t know how to emotionally connect with his children and never learned his lessons, always heading for complacency. Instead he instilled fear in his children that resulted in them becoming judgemental perfectionists. a lost cause, if you will.

I wrote previously that i was the happiest girl in the world when i broke up with jake and i was. No more comments about how we were going to move to idaho or how he would rather me stay home with the kids and be a housewife than pursue a degree. I couldn’t bask in the fact that I am an educated woman with an actual functioning brain. Don’t get me wrong, there is NO hate for housewives here, women should be able to choose whatever life they want to live, however, jake started our relationship with the will to change me. That's why I wholeheartedly believe I didn't break his heart, I broke his pride. Who am I kidding, I'm too fiercely independent to just be a housewife. I can simultaneously be a housewife, a good mom, and a working woman. I can contribute because I have always been able to handle my shit, he didn’t want to see it like that because my independence was a threat, it meant a lack of dependence on him. Without dependence, it is easy to leave, or so he thought. It's funny how that fear played into our relationship. He always “bragged” about the fact that he had broken up with every girl he had ever been with and although i did not go into this relationship planning on leaving him, I know subconsciously my mind was like “bet”. I can be toxic like that. He was sweet at first, he did strive to take care of me but he got too comfortable with my eagerness to forgive him until he finally reached a point where he didn’t care anymore. I tried everything, i sought out a mentor for him, i booked us counseling sessions, i fucking tried. Even though I was unhappy I held onto the good. I do that. I fight for the reason why I started. I hold onto the good for as long as I can and then when i cannot psychologically handle it anymore I hone in on all the bad shit and that’s what makes it so easy to leave.

I could probably write a whole novel on the abusive things he did. How he made me feel crazy for believing his girl best friend had feelings for him even though she openly admitted that she did in the past. I knew they were still there. How he held a secret meeting with her while we were dating to apologize on my behalf for how crazy my accusations were and that he wanted to get the “full story” on how I approached her because we both had two very different versions of what happened. How when i found out months later that this meeting occurred he shut me down and told me i had no right to be upset at him because it was in the past and he wouldn't do something like that now. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I should have dumped him right then and there. My only regret is not leaving his ass sooner. I still remember the apathetic tone he took with me outside that fucking in n out in Westlake. I've written before how I was like a robot to him and he just shut my emotions on and off when he pleased. He negated any feeling I had that posed to him as an inconvenience and how I feel about him is the closest thing I've ever felt to hate. Jake, you made me feel crazy. Ironically enough though not two months after we broke up is when he finally apologized to me because said girl best friend tried to get at him, again. I knew he didn’t like her in that way, jake likes girls with at least half a brain and to be honest it would be more interesting talking to a door knob than participating in a conversation with her. But it wasn’t about the way she felt. It was about the way she looked at me when he wasn’t looking. How i was uncomfortable that she would always try to brush up next to him or take my seat by his side and everyone was secretly rooting for them. Jake, you moved to idaho to get over me and start over and she fucking moved there too. God, a part of me hopes you guys get married. She's too mindless to receive any of your abuse, she will do whatever you say without a fight and utmost willingness. But I know you don’t like that, I know you prefer a fight because it makes you feel powerful, having someone you can control. I’m just thankful I recognized this, and made it out alive.

Here’s the thing about assholes, it's no secret i don’t like the nicest men if i do i get bored and then leave. Jared was an outstanding guy, he met the love of his life after i broke up with him and we check in with each other once a year or so. I have him and his girlfriend on Instagram and I'll like or comment on their pictures. I sometimes DM his girlfriend, she replies to my stories or mine to hers. Jared talks to my brother a couple times a month too. My dad and brother both really miss him. I lived with Jared for a time and he with me. We were family. The dynamic we have created is healthy and I'm happy for him. Matt on the other hand, definitely resents me. He goes through stages of blocking me then unblocking me but i don’t really care. I wrote him a letter apologizing back in 2017 and we are on ok terms. I know it's his girlfriend that doesn’t want us to be friends but I support that. I get it. He has been dating her for almost three years and I really do hope they get married. My first love has been the hardest to get on good terms with, it took 5 years. The last time I talked to Kyle was actually a few days ago. I had a question to ask him and he responded but I never texted him back. I don’t know why I’m like this. Last time I saw him was on Labor Day when he, Jadyn, and I all went to the beach after he got off work. We talked about the ocean, music, snowboarding, surfing, you know, miniscule bullshit. It was that night I finally realized I was over him. I don’t talk about him much anymore, he was my first love, that is all i have to say. We are strangers to each other now and I can only hope he likes the person he has become but I don’t know him anymore. The boy I loved is gone. It took five years of rumors among others and silence between us for me to realize we are adults, we are different people. I know we will never be friends but it’s cool that we are cordial. I will go on counting him as the first love of my life, he will go on counting me as his biggest regret, and for both, I am not sorry. Well where was I? Oh that's right, assholes. You see, Jake is the kind of asshole you want to run from. Hop on a plane and fly a million miles away. Logan is the kind of asshole you can empathize with. Jake hasn’t been through one difficult thing in his life. He is almost 26, still living with his parents (now living with them in a different state), never finished school, too prideful to put in the work, and still to this day, always taking the easy way out. He hated the fact that i made more money than him, that i paid for most (if not all) of our dinners and trips, that i had direction in my life and he didn’t. He resented me for taking care of him but I still did it anyways. That’s when you do when you’re in a relationship, it's a team effort, 50/50. I don’t see it any other way. Jake hated people with trauma or emotions. He couldn’t empathize with them. He wanted to just turn away any hardship because it made him feel uncomfortable. He hated things that challenged him, hated what he didn’t understand. This is why Jake is the bad kind of asshole. Then you have someone like Logan. Logan is confused, as we all are. And although he doesn’t like the thought of being vulnerable there’s layers to that. Reasons why. He has depth. The difference here is that when my nana died and i asked jake to leave “work” (which was him sitting at his fucking computer practicing coding or playing video games) he said he didn’t want too, on god. Added that he didn’t get why i was so sad over my nana dying when we weren’t even that “close.” i think that's when i began to resent him, took me way too fucking long. Jake didn’t want to care about me, hell, he didn’t even listen to me. If he had, he would have known my nana left everything to me and she always wrote that I was her favorite grandchild. If I really needed Logan, I knew he would be there for me. Hell, I called him in the middle of the night and asked him to pick me up in the morning to give me a ride to simi and he didn't even ask why, he just came. Not only that but he was dropping me off at a protest and the march wasn’t something he believed in, as beneficial to society, but he still took me there anyways. I know that, even now, if something really bad ever happened to me and I asked Logan to be there, he would. That is a reflection of his character that goes far beyond circumstance. I know i'm not special, I believe he’d do that for anyone he cares about because he is a good person. So ya, i put up with his impulsive petty bullshit because we all have impulsive and petty bullshit we do. However, when worst comes to worst and you're really in the thick of it, you need people that you know you can always count on. I might’ve lost that side of Logan because of my mistakes. I know he played a role in how badly things ended between us which he apologized for. I can be too sensitive sometimes and I think my lack of understanding of him fogged my judgement, actually I know it did. I mean, fuck, all three of us could’ve played a healthier role in that situation. After I broke up with Jake he’d ask me to get coffee or go out to lunch every once in a while and I agreed (why? Couldn’t tell you). I used to just cry about the whole situation with Logan and it made Jake so angry. He would tell me he hated the way I cared so much about him. How i never cried over him like that and didn’t understand why losing Logan hurt so bad. Well, it hurt so bad because I was subconsciously lying to myself about the fact that I was in love with him; but even looking beyond the way I felt it hurt so much because Logan is a one in a million kind of person, Jake is just your everyday plain old asshole. My god do I hope that he changes. He definitely needs to seek therapy before entering another relationship, I really just want what's best for him.

So, ode to the ex boyfriend. I know, not your typical 14 lined, iambic pentameter, sonnet. But here is to the man that wouldn’t kiss me when i took him to new york for my birthday because he wanted me to be just as miserable as he was (he hated cities), who told me it was my obligation to stay with him after i left because i slept with him and that meant we were already married, who told me i couldn’t pray over him because i didn’t grow up in the ideal Christian home, (my family is fucked but at least we are real, i love them) the man who lied to me, the man who went behind my back, the man who made me want to so desperately drive my car off the road. To the man who made me reach my breaking point. realizing our relationship was a choice of life or death, here’s to him.

I’m sorry i didn’t love you and i’m sorry i didn’t leave you sooner. I’m sorry i bought into your comfortability with putting a fake persona into the world and made our life together look perfect on instagram. I'm sorry it took me leaving you in order for you to buy a ring and by that time it was too late. I'm sorry that if we did get married and our relationship got worse I would've killed myself before I would've left you. I’m sorry I don’t believe in divorce. The bones in my body don’t ever ache for vengeance because I simply do not care enough. I’m sorry that you thought I was a fighter. I’m sorry because I'm simultaneously not sorry at all. I wish you the very best and if there is one thing I ask of you, it's that you don’t treat the next girl you pursue the way you treated me. Listen to her. Love her. Put her before yourself. Allow her to love herself for who she wants to be, not who you want to make her. I’m glad I broke myself, then broke you, in hopes you’d learn not to break her one day. Good luck to you.

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yoolee · 7 years ago

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Omg could you elaborate more on your thoughts about Yasu & Nobu's dynamic? Ever since finishing Yasu's Noble Ending I've just been really intrigued by their relationship, the way they've known each other for a long time and how they interact.. yeah, it's definitely layered..

*CRACKS KNUCKLES*

okay I had this all written out like a week ago and thenrefreshed the page accidentally (I am…kind of a loser about my writingy’all) so here we will try again. IN WORD THIS TIME.

OKAY.

SO.

FIRST.

I haven’t read Nobu’s sequel,and I don’t know what happens, so, for all I know Ieyasu could betray him and I’mjust WRONG so keep that in mind.

HERE IS THE SUPER SHORTVERSION:

To ME, Nobunaga and Ieyasuhave an indulgent, mischievous big brother to petulant, bratty and mistrustinglittle brother dynamic and I love it. I think Nobu sees wholly through Ieyasuand Ieyasu is both in denial of that and needs it and because he is Ieyasu probablysemi-actively tries to destroy any sense of kinship because of his trustissues, even if temporarily surrendering control, and being accepted on the merit of his actions and not his name, is a relief, even if he thinks he’s lying. Especiallybecause he tells himself that Nobu’s too much of a fool to do any real damagewith the control he has. THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE WHOLE OF IT. YOU CAN STOP READING IFYOU WANT.

But if you want to go downlee’s thinking-out-loud INTP rabbit hole abyss with her, HERE WE GO:

Things I headcanon about Nobuin regards to Ieyasu:

Family is desperatelyimportant to Nobu. Especially his brothers. There is a particular moment in hisMS involving cups of sake that just breaks my heart. This extends and includeseven to the point of them betraying him – that’s basically, in some sort ofways, a non-issue (it is, but, not in the stops-him-from-loving them sense)

Nobu also has a soft spot for bratty kids - we see that in his ToL ES, but in other stories as well (watch him with Sasuke!!) And as often as not, his method for dealing with them is poking the sore spot while teaching them how to defend from it until they poke back. He openly tells us this is in part due to being a big brother, reinforcing the sibling-sense overlap.

Nobu 100% sees through Ieyasu’ss— (we see some hints of this at various points, especially because we’regiven Nobu’s little side-smirky sprite)

The BIGGEST ISSUE with Yasu’snastiness is the power imbalances, right? He’s pouring all this toxic, vicious venom into peoplewith no defense for it. BUT, with Nobu, the power structure is inverted. Yasuhas to play nice with Nobu (which makes his venom ALL THE WORSE because hehates it, right? Not right, actually, but I’ll get to that – he thinks hedoes). and Nobu can 100% handle that venom. Like. Are you kidding me? do you know what this man’s been through? One snotty little grump is entertainment more than it is hurtful. Like honestly Nobu probably thinks it’s REALLY FUNNY.

Biggest difference betweenthese two is that Nobu already sees everyone as family. We see this from himALL THE TIME – like regardless of what you may think about Inuchiyo’s route, Nobuis amazing imo. Like, he’s payingsuch close attention to the mental and emotional wellbeing of all of hisretainers that even a random cook he’s had like two interactions with rates hisOWN COAT for comfort. He sends away someone important for the same reason. InMitsuhide’s route, he semi-manipulates MC into making his favorite food just tohelp him take care of himself. Nobu may be a fool in some regards, but he gets his people, and gets what they need.

We can sort of extrapolate thatthis extends to Ieyasu as well. Nobu trusts Ieyasu, even knowing he’s amanipulative, angry little snot, and probably knows what Ieyasu needs. So,what does Ieyasu need? (covered in a sec)

So he looks at Ieyasu and he sees the whole person. He has the luxury of doing so, because he’s one of the few people who gets to look at him straight in the eye instead of in deference, and he’s Nobu, he can do whatever he wants (including seeing a snotty, terrified, angry KID instead of a vicious, scheming, toxic lord–he sees that too, but I honestly think he sees that as fixable or he wouldn’t bother. I think he also sees it as less of a problem than it is for the same vantage point reason - like, I think he sort of figures if he drags Ieyasu around enough, time will fix it rather than active interference)

I also think Nobu just pokes at him sometimes because it’s funny to do so and we know he likes his entertainment.

IEYASU

OKAY SO BACK TO ‘what does Ieyasu need?’ (Ieyasu needs a dang mother imo - unconditional familial love with affirmation of his inherent value as a human being and not as a Tokugawa but, back to that later)

Ieyasu has TRUST issues andIeyasu has CONTROL issues. And combined, those two things invariably cause himto poison any healthy relationship he may have. I really, really believe this.

OKAY here we go into Leerabbit holes, your mileage may vary.

I also think he’s like, inthe 19-ish age range it would explain a lot >>

I also feel like Ieyasu had WAYTOO much of other people controlling his life in a genuinely awful fashion thatwhen he has control again he a) doesn’t know how to be in control because godknows he’s never had it nor a healthy example of it b) doesn’t necessarily WANTto be in control but EVEN MORE c) doesn’t want anyone ELSE in control of himeither because he’s been down that road and we can see how horribly it affectedhim, he can’t come through that again.

To me, that’s a driving forceof why he is so gosh darn nasty. He’s completely hemmed in by a dichotomy notentirely of his own making, where he has to desperately cling onto something he doesn’t wantwith a white-knuckled death grip and that would make anyone temperamental (thathe doesn’t handle it well, to the point of being destructive and damaging, is aseparate discussion I don’t want to go down – thisis the best analysis of it I’ve seen of it and explains why my heart hurts for him as acharacter even if his behavior often isn’t immediately acceptable as a love interest)

But that choice of being incharge is taken from him when Nobu’s ordering him around. One of the interferingcomponents is removed from the equation.

Think about when we seeIeyasu’s façade cracking and when he’s at his absolute smoothest – when he’s atNobu’s beck and call. It’s effortless. He tells himself he hates it (and doesn’thide it as well as he thinks he does lolololol) BUT ALSO. He (consciously)believes Nobu is a fool. He believes he can outsmart him. There’s no risk to letting him be in charge, because Ieyasu can keep control and he can keep it in the way he’smost comfortable with – where no one else has to know. (Because if nobodyknows, nobody can take it away) so, there’s some relief to that, and he’s athis easiest to handle.

I also think deep deep deepdown Ieyasu knows Nobu knows and he trusts him anyway or why would he beserving Nobu without actively sabotaging him? But he can’t acknowledge thatbecause it would require VULNERABILITY and Ieyasu doesn’t do that.

BECAUSE REMEMBER Nobu’s place is a meritocracy. So, Ieyasu also gets to know that he’s there on the merit if his accomplishments and his actions, not his name. It’s not quite the same as being loved for who he is as a person (I think for Nobu it’s the same thing, and he may not fully understand that Ieyasu won’t/can’t understand that because for him it isn’t) but it’s as close as he’s ever gotten (Sakai obvs loves him but Ieyasu can’t separate that from the ‘Tokugawa’ component) and he craves that with a genuine desperation. Like, the poor child inside of him that never got it still needs it. So he sticks around, because, subconsciously, that’s better than nothing. Like not that he is EVER going to admit to anyone that he needs to be loved, but, everyone needs to be loved and accepted.

Yasu has to keep him at armslength and snarl his petulant, bratty little teeth because, issues, BUT he’sall bark. Whatever he’s done to Nobu (at least to my memory and routes I’veread) is minor, especially comparedto how Ieyasu behaves to and around ACTUAL ENEMIES (*side-eyes a certain Kairoute*)

ON BROTHERLYNESS

A huge part of what colorsthis for me is that Ieyasu is who eventually ends up uniting Japan, right?(*cough* uh, spoilers I guess?) Okay well, sort of, it’s complicated BUT I do (as someone very new to this history) think it’s fair to say it’s Yasu there when the dust settles on unified Japan, and the dust stays settled, mostly, under him esp when compared to previously? History is messy.

Who taught him that? Whostarted him down that path?

To me, Ieyasu is SO MUCH likea bratty, grumpy little brother being dragged along to play cops and robbersbecause his big brother needed one more person to play the damsel in distressand it’s humiliating and he’s TICKED OFF but at the same time, he gets to beincluded in something, and he’s learning, and he’s itching for his turn becausehe’s watched everyone and they maythink he’s the dumb kid but just you wait, give him the chance to be the robberand he’ll rob you all blind.

And the twist is – Nobu knowsthat. That’s the real reason he dragged him along.

(the other is, Nobu doesn’tleave people behind)

#not fully vetted out #but #close enough #ieyasu #nobunaga #nobu is growing on me guys #I was super ambivalent for a long time #also asking me to elaborate on my thoughts #is so dangerous y'all XDDDD

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monoshah · 6 years ago

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My Graduation Instagram Post

I don’t have one.

As I finish college and look back at everything I’ve learned, I don’t reckon an Instagram photo with a $400 rented graduating suit (which, I’m more likely to only wear once) can do any justice. It does not have the capacity to accurately depict one’s experience- the failures, flourishes, roadblocks, and what not. So, how does one thank and appreciate one’s experience after four years?

The people (also, to be honest - I don’t think I can afford that graduation suit anyway).

Think about it- regardless of whatever experience you were a part of, it’s likely that people were a part of it. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned all these years is that it’s people that we need, people to share our deepest fears with, people to work with, and rather most importantly- people to love.

We learn from people, not only from our experiences and interactions with them, but also their stories- why they do what they do, what are their irrational fears and why they think they have them, what they’d do if money wasn’t an option, etc.

In a very real sense, it’s being and listening to the people we call friends and family, that can help us learn through their own examples.

My favorite book, Meditations, is a personal journal of one of the most powerful and influential Roman emperors, Marcus Aurelius. It’s a collection of his thoughts, feelings, and actions. In the first few pages of the book, however, he writes about everything his friends and family have taught him:

- “ From my great-grandfather: not to have attended schools for the public; to have had good teachers at home, and to realize that this is the sort of thing on which one should spend lavishly. - (From my first teacher): Not to support this side or that in chariot-racing, this fighter or that in the games. To put up with discomfort and not make demands. To do my own work, mind my own business, and have no time for slanderers. - (From Rusticus) To read attentively-not to be satisfied with “just getting the gist of it.” And not fall for every smooth talker. - (From Sextus) … To show intuitive sympathy for friends, tolerance to amateurs and sloppy thinkers. His ability to get along with everyone: Sharing his company was the highest of compliments. - (From Maximus) … The sense he gave of staying on the path rather than being kept on it”

In a similar fashion, here’s my attempt to make a list of everything I’ve learned from the people I met at college.

To give them credit, I will put their initials here.

Regardless of whether or not you recognize your name on here- thank you.

-P.R: To be nice. To, at times, go out of your way to help individuals. To understand and know that life is harsh and serious, but despite of it (or rather because of it) be playful, like a child, and not take everything too seriously. To appreciate humor and acknowledge its importance in making life less serious and more fun. To be nice, but not stupid and develop some wisdom to understand the difference.

-M.A: To believe in love, despite past failings. To make your partner feel special, to flirt with sophistication and not creep. The sense he had of always making his girlfriend feel special, by writing songs and letters for her, cooking, being there for her, but not loosing his own edge. In a way: to practice adolescence love, but keeping your self esteem intact, so you don’t loose yourself in the process. More importantly: to not expect anyone else to love and appreciate you, but doing that to yourself, for yourself.

-H.H: To never judge someone by first impression, and instead: inquire about someone’s character with curiosity and compassion. To show kindness to the opposer, and understand that no one is inherently evil.

—A.J: To stay on the path, and believe in one’s dream, whatever that may be. To acknowledge that being an artist is first about soul and personal growth, and then about the money. The practice; always going back to the practice and doing it daily. To understand that art isn’t created through name and fame, but rather, through discipline, consistency and feedback. To be OK with finding a source of income in a more lucrative industry, but always going back home- to the practice, to the art. To be willing to give away art for those in need.

-K.R: To be willing to acknowledge mental illness and be OK with it, to be daring and courageous to seek help when needed, and most remarkably: to not be afraid of crying, and instead: let go, to always let go. To know that everyone is living in their own little dark bubble, because of which, it’s important to be cheerful, not to fake it, but instead appreciate how humorously sad life is. And most importantly: to love.

-S.S: To let silence do the talking. To not tell the entire world about one’s plan, but rather focus on executing it, so the world can be a better place. To be cautious of buying luxury items and wait for at least 30 days to notice if it’s still needed, and if it’s: then maintain that item and appreciate its application, not with addiction, but admiration and curiosity,

-F.K: To implement cheerful despair; know that it’s OK to not take oneself too seriously, and be willing to laugh at oneself with ease and openness. To acknowledge and speak about personal problems to friends and family, and ask for help when needed. To forgive those who’ve harmed you, and know that it wasn’t their intention to, and that forgiveness, in a sense, is the best revenge one can partake.

-N.W: To always help the naive, and know that it’s the best place to be, because it opens doors for curiosity and creativity. To know that understanding is not a given, and so, one has to go above and beyond when prompted, to make someone understand one’s craft. To find humor and sadness in noticing how most of us do things to keep our families together, not necessarily for the love of It, and despite knowing that: being humble and grateful for every day.

-A.R: To be nice and always assume that the person one is speaking to is having a rough day, so there can be kindness and compassion. To take particular notice when someone helps you and thank them for it, and make sure they’re recognized. To encourage inspiration and participation.

-J.B: To be OK with being an empath, and feeling what other’s are feeling, and share it with them. If that’s excitement, to be excited. If it’s sadness, then show them some compassion and understanding, and hope that they feel better soon. To take a whole lot of pride in one’s work and always look at the bigger picture by asking how their work is likely to impact the affected party 3-5 years from now.

-A.A (CEO of a company I used to work for): To not let money and fame change you, and to always live simply, despite one’s wealth. To avoid luxuries If not absolutely required, and acknowledge that rich and precious items have the capacity to affect people’s characters. To know that living a simple life void of many luxuries is not about saving money, rather, it’s a way to stay in tune with the world, to understand people’s problems, so, solutions can be built. To work, but not for results, but for enjoying the process of simply doing one’s job. And most importantly: to always keep one’s mission at heart while making life or industry changing decisions.

-R.L: To reward people for their efforts, vocally, so they know they’re appreciated. To have a serene and sound mind, especially in times of distress and paranoia. Whenever I made errors and apologized, she’d always say: “oh that’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. We’re all just learning here”. She always took notice in my accomplishments, and reminded me of it whenever things seemed rough. From the many things I’ve learned form her, what sticks out most is the kindness she displayed, every single day.

-Z.G: To keep yourself grounded, despite what other’s say. To never let your ego or lack of self esteem get the best of you, and acknowledge that none of us are inherently great, neither do we suck, the goal, then, is to keep oneself at an equilibrium: stable. To not be distracted when someone calls you a “nerd” or “geek”, and instead, know that you’re just curious to find better, faster, and more efficient solutions. To always keep learning more, not for results, but to enjoy the process.

-P.P: To appreciate and acknowledge the privilege and freedom acting provides. To try to be playful, always, despite one’s age, and understand that acting like a kid is not a sign of vulnerability, but strength. It shows that we’re willing to look past the visible dark sides of life, and enjoy some much needed cheerful despair. To go out of your way to teach someone your craft. And most importantly: to laugh aloud, a lot.

-K.B: To work very hard and make less excuses. To speak one’s heart out whenever appropriate, and always appreciate the present moment: things, she said, could always be worse. To not get lost in the awe of social media decoration, and keep coming back to the path.

-J.J: To acknowledge and appreciate amateurs, instead of ignoring them. To dedicate yourself completely to the craft, and only then devote time and resources in other endeavors. To be extremely cautious of ego and acknowledge the effect it can have on one’s character, which, is the only thing one can truly own; not physique or beauty or status, only character.

-L.S: To be ridiculously kind to people, especially the ones who weren’t necessarily brought up in the same culture as you were, or, who don’t necessarily speak the same language as you do. To love gently, openly, and understand that everything is in a constant flux, especially love, and so it’s impossible to force someone to stay. Most importantly: to always forgive, not forget.

-R.K.S: To be okay and willing to laugh at yourself, not preceded by low self esteem or confidence, but rather: playfulness. To immerse yourself in other cultures and be curious about its everyday doings, to not judge but watch

-R.K.S II: To speak up for the minority, and be okay with being the only one doing so.

-R: To be extremely kind and curious with new friends, and always assume that they too, just like oneself, have lived a tough life. To be a very welcoming and loving host. To never assume that you’re the only one going through something, and use external resources to figure out why it’s that you behave in a certain way. To use personality tests with caution.

-J.C: To always practice humility with confidence, that is: be content and proud with ones work but always keep striving for something better. Regardless of the level of experience or fame, he had this tendency of always rooting for the underdogs, not necessarily to quadruple the feeling of victory, but, rather more importantly: to always go back and enjoy the process. To always respect the perseverance of ones craft, and know that the greats weren’t born great, they worked for it; to use this very knowledge to be humble and on the path.

-S.E: To be kind for no reason at all, and always assume that somebody is having a bad day. To make people feel welcomed by helping them relate, because that is what we all truly seek: a connection, a tribe that helps us belong and make sense of the world. When asked questions, he had this incredible ability to pause, think, and then respond. To hug whoever you meet and truly believe in the power of theatre.

-M: To observe and be extremely cautious about forming opinions about something one has little to no experience in. He seemed to have such a unique ability to listen, like really listen.

-Y.B: His dedication and commitment to his craft, and this habit of lays coming back to that feeling one gets when they’re doing something they love. At the same time, however, understanding that regardless of how much one likes or dislikes a craft, one has to go through drudgery in order to get good or great at something.

-S.B: To practice joyful kindness and be grateful for the friends one has. To not waste a lot of time gossiping or arguing with people, and instead: be very generous. It seemed to me that he knew the importance of prioritizing action over words, and so, disliked getting into pity arguments. Out of everything, however, if there’s one thing I picked up from him, it would be his incredible ability to smile, even when shit doesn’t go your way. To laugh at the absurdity that is life. That joyful attitude did not, as one might mistaken, come from continued ignorance. Instead: it seemed to be rooted from a rather existential understanding that for most of us, life is pretty sad and unfair, so why fucking worry about the results, as long as you’re focused on mastering the process with consistency and persistence?

-A.J: She embodied the whole “work hard, play hard” attitude and helped me realize the incredible power each one of us has, which can be exercised through a tough work ethic. At the same time however, she seemed to be very careful about not letting ego get the best of her, and so, never flaunted about the number of hours she spent on a project. All that energy was brilliantly used in focusing and zeroing on the task at hand. With all that work, regardless of what the results were, she taught me how to celebrate them: like really celebrate them.

-S.Y: To, at times, go out of your way for a friend, not for a returned favor, but more for having the incredible opportunity for making someone’s life easier. I’ve had the privilege to be her friend since four years now, and if I had to pin down one thing that I learned, it would be her kindness. She has this unique ability to make someone else’s problem her, and easily relate to anyone new she meets.

-R.P: To never be satisfied with initial impressions and always be willing to dig deeper. To appreciate and practice undisturbed work, by shutting down all channels of communication and solely focusing on the task at hand.His openness to new experiences makes him not just diversified, but on a rather more human level: more kinder. That kindness, then, helps him become a critical thinker. To always do what’s right, at least intend to, and so, think about what “right” might actually entail. I’m someone who doesn’t trust people too easily, but I will trust this man with my life.

-I.J: To be grateful for the gifts fortune gives you (like natural beauty), but be cautious and willing to live without it, for fortune chooses her friends and enemies at random. She has an incredible ability of sorts, to go through difficult times and come out a different, more stronger person. She taught me how to maintain a healthy self esteem, how to be confident when approaching an attractive party, and always take a chance, another go at life. If you’re reading this: thank you for taking care of me and being my moral support, when I needed it the most.

-K.H: That straight-forward German way of saying something, instead of beating around endlessly at the bush. She taught me how the importance of having quiet confidence, not just to maintain a healthy self-esteem, but also to take criticism well: by listening and being open to be certified constructively. Also, the importance of saying no to additional project requests and instead focusing on the task at hand.

-A:P:To acknowledge if you’ve been born into a privileged home, and appreciate that, but also try to get out of that comfort zone and notice the real world. His almost crazy habit to say yes to the most insane requests, like traveling from Sevilla to Gibraltar in a bike at five in the morning, or going to Chile for six months to work in a bank. His hospitality: welcoming, kind, but not submissive. Experiencing his friendship taught me how important it’s to get out in the real world, not necessarily to forget the problems at home, but to observe how there IS a world outside of one’s family, one’s problems, and that world runs everyday, despite how bad it gets.

-C.P: Her unshakable confidence in herself and her team. She taught me how to speak with kindness and authority, without projecting a lot of one side. Her playfulness; not like a kid, but more a teenager. The unique ability she seemed to possess, of reading and understanding other people, and then, using that to get to a common goal.

-A.L: His sincerity. His ability to stay true to his task and do it with patience, dedication, and persistence, with zero sign of ego. He hated his job, but after deducing an end date, he showed up to work everyday and did his task regardless; the importance of duty. His persistence during times of failure, one, in which, he wouldn’t attempt doing the task again without critically thinking about what went wrong.

-H.H: She taught me the importance of doing something vs solely talking about it all the time. Her generosity: straight forward, dutiful, kind, and without any expectations. Her ability to care for a friend deeply. The way she cooked Pasta: with care, precision, and a sense of mindfulness. It was the same old recipe, but it was her process that made the meal all the more delicious. The way she spoke about her ex lovers: with gratefulness, not mere regret. Her wonderful habit of respecting food in different ways: by cooking it (instead of microwaving), sitting on the dinner table (instead of in front of a TV) , and always trying to invite someone to share her meal with.

-M.G: To ask for help, work for companionship, and put yourself out there as opposed to expecting things to happen automatically. To not let personal problems affect your work and welcome new perspectives and people with an open arm. Her ability to deal with ugly situations: with a lot of gentlest and kindness. And most importantly, the way she moved on from difficult relationships by forgiving (not forgetting) and learning to love again without any assumptions, biases, or judgements. Her openness to love deeply.

-T.M: His ability to make sense out of things that don’t make sense, through art. How he used his struggles to choreograph performances, not just to inspire others, but get closure himself. His kindness: so genuine and gentle. He taught me how to make drama for social activism, not by answering, but rather asking more questions. The journey he took us on made us all realize how wonderful it feels to heal scars through the stage, by performing, asking questions, daring to speak up, to listen, and most importantly: to be open to a transformation and initiate that yourself. He taught us how to change our relationship with the past: to not run away from it, or hide it, or regret it, but rather to embrace and respect it. One time during rehearsals, he asked us to draw a map of our bodies on a long white sheet of paper and mark our emotional/physical scars on it. Then, he held it up on a board and said: “This is your past. You know what’s the best thing about it? No one, not even Fucking God can take that away from you. So, embrace these scars, think about how they’ve changed you or how you’ve changed them.” His generosity.

-P.H: His humility. Despite being “popular”, he never let his ego get the best of him, and made every performance of his, special. This one time, we worked on a show together and I noticed how present he was in everything he did, not just during positive or neutral situations, but (rather more importantly) also during negative ones. His ability to focus most of his energy in doing a task vs simply talking about it. Working with him taught me how to embrace your scars, be proud of them, and more importantly to allow others to embrace theirs by giving them space.

-M.B: Her undying dedication to the craft. Her simple way of living, she always seemed to be someone who filled her life selectively with only things that she really enjoyed doing. To her, fame was just another kind of “fluff” she tried to stay out from and instead - focused all of her energy into professional and personal interests. Her incredible ability to listen deeply to someone, not just what they’re saying but also what they’re trying to hide, through body language. Her presence - so gentle and kind. The way she spoke, very selectively and only when it was required.

-A.B: Her kindness, even, and perhaps especially during times of personal distress. Her ability to work with others - with a lot of kindness and genuine curiosity. From her, I learned how important it’s to listen deeply to others and acknowledge their struggles and perseverance.

-P.Z: To invest in oneself and believe in self-care. He taught me how important it’s to be there for yourself, to be your own lover first (before hoping for someone else to take that role), to be proud and content with one’s accomplishments. His fearless ability to speak up and clearly voice out his opinions and needs. His way of living - gentle and kind, with a ton of compassion for himself and others. Thank you for teaching me the importance of being kind to yourself.

-T.K: His persistence on never taking anything by face value, and always questioning the norm. Sometimes, he’d disagree just to create a new perspective. His fearlessness, especially against authority. His ability to think deeply and consider multiple perspectives before taking a decision. His rhetoric - straight, plain, without any sugar coating. Despite his strong work personality, he stayed true to being a good friend, someone who is kind, thoughtful, and extremely caring. Before having the opportunity to work alongside him, it was extremely difficult for me to say no, or, to go against the norm, but he taught me how to do that gracefully without fear. Being his friend helped me become bolder, helped me voice out my opinions, and helped me differentiate between fluff and value at work and in my personal life.

-M.W: His ability to decipher what the right thing to do would be, in any given situation, and willingness to always stick to that, no matter what the majority does or says. His way of being a friend - kind, gentle, authentic, and yet very light hearted. Despite being highly skilled in some areas and possessing a rather strong work ethic, he never held that as a label and instead acted generously to everyone, even amateurs. His hospitality - so welcoming and kind, and yet so free. I had the incredible opportunity to stay with his family for a couple of days and they showed me how important it is to do certain things together, as a family, like prepare, cook, and eat meals. I also observed how, despite being a family, each one of them lived their own separate lives (something that is rare in the collectivist culture I come from).

-K.B: To be grateful for everything fate gives you and acknowledge that things could always be worse. Her unshakeable kindness, always ready to make someone’s day better. The way she embodied the whole “work hard, play hard” motto, always willing and able to let go and be in the moment, enjoying the now.

-P.S: His networking ability, how he’d not only embrace but actually love small talk. As someone who hates talking to people, he taught me why it’s so important to learn how to network to listen, and most importantly - initiate meaningful conversations that are important and beneficial to both parties. His kindness - always willing to determine what “he”, as an individual would do in a particular situation and questioning that to grow. His character and willingness to do the right thing, to not fall for instant gratification, and always willing to take responsibility for his actions. His unshakeable confidence, so bold and yet - gentle, not aggressive.

-N.K: The way she lived a life without any superficial filters. Her straightforward way of giving feedback, so as to save time and develop something empathetic and great. Working with her made me realize how important and wonderful it’s to not limit oneself to a particular career or skill, and instead - always be curious to figure out how things work. She taught me how doable it can be, especially today, to learn anything. Her patience and kindness made me learn a very lucrative skill - to create something from scratch.

-E.K: Her almost perfect ability to balance work and life. She made me realize how impactful introverts can actually be, especially today when the world is so noisy. She also helped me learn how to set proper boundaries when it comes to work, and while the rest of the team worked weekends from home, she’d always leave her laptop at the office on Fridays, promising herself to not look at it until Monday morning. Her compassion and generosity to deeply care for someone, especially her pet chickens. The way she tackled big projects with crisp perfect organization. Her belief and willingness to reinvent herself inspired me to dream big and realize that hardly anyone in this world got to where they wanted to be by walking on a straight path, instead - they made their own paths with imagination, perseverance, and work ethic.

-H.P: His simple way of living life - despite being in charge of a valuable and famous organization, he never let ego get the best of him. His simple attire and a minimal regard to anything else but his work and his colleagues , it made me learn how powerful it can be to live a minimalistic life. Despite being in a senior level position, he seemed to be always willing to help in small, trivial tasks; he’d come early every morning to refill all the coffee pots, so that everyone at work could get a cup. His generosity and ability to really listen and feel your pain.

-M: His willingness to learn new things despite getting older - with as much enthusiasm and curiosity as a young college student. Learning with him taught me how wonderful it’s to be naturally curious. As a 42 year old veteran with a family, who worked part-time as a pediatrician and attended school to become an investment banker, he exemplified how wonderful and rewarding it can be to just learn.

Misc Shoutouts/ Mentions

I’ve always been fascinated by people who call themselves “self-made”; no matter how much struggle one goes through, I think we always owe some gratitude to other people who’ve helped us (knowingly or unknowingly). Here’s a list of those people:

- I’m grateful for my parents for taking a chance and always believing in me, and for doing the best in their power to raise me - Thank You J.B, for always believing in me and my potential, especially when I wasn’t confident about myself - Thank You R.L for letting me go home early that one summer, just so I could visit my family and friends - Thank You S.E for inviting me to your Theatre community with open hands and showing me what an incredible honor it’s, to be a part of one - Thank You J.C and P.M for encouraging me to pursue acting more seriously and J.B for showing me how to do so, after college - Thank You R for letting my crash at your place that one summer when my apartment didn’t have air conditioning - Thank You S.Y for always being there, even when I didn’t replicate the same friendship during times of crisis - Thank You R.P for getting me home food and letting me eat it, despite knowing that I’d finish the entire box in a day - Thank You P.R for showing me how to worry less about everything, especially the future, and instead just focus on the task at hand - Thank You S.J for exemplifying courage and teaching how how not to fall for every project or opportunity - Thank you K for always being there for me - Thank you M.W for letting me use all of those meal swipes, especially when I needed it the most - Thank you T.K for always challenging me and always encouraging me to take the hard, less traveled, but more rewarding path - Thank you T.M for making me believe in the power of performance and encouraging me to never leave the path of the stage - Thank You D.T for helping me face my inner demons, and for providing a safe space for me to speak about them without judgement - Thank You A.B for being the best scene partner ever - Thank You M for being super patient and for teaching me finance that one semester - Thank you for all those people who told me they’d pray for me, during times of crises

Closing Words

Education and learning, to me at least, are not conditional. That is - I don’t think one has to have something or know someone to learn. Even the poorest one of us can learn something from our experience, and although I’m departing the classroom, I promise to stay on the path instead of being kept on it.

I don’t reckon anyone will reach here, but if you did- thank you.

See you on the other side.

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