#(having to dig endlessly for references etc. etc. etc.)

[dameronspector]

Willow (chapter 6)

Pairing: Bob Reynolds x Fem!ExAvenger!Demigod!Reader

Chapter Summary: You go through your shame rooms and learn about Bob's past, and that breaks your heart. The team comes together to save Bob. You meet the Void and realise some interesting things. (And also clock him)

Warnings: Mentions of Depression, Bob's addiction and Mental illness, Suicidal Thoughts, Death, Reader's Past and references to her having selective mutism, Bullying, Bullet wounds, Blood, Injuries, Fight scenes, Valentina manipulates Bob, Bob is protective of you (not in a toxic way), Touch starved Bob, Canon-typical violence, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Nicknames, Cursing, Found Family, Reader is mentioned to be short, light soulmate AU vibes, Reader has magical abilities of the goddess Hecate (eg: necromancy, pyrokinesis, hypnokinesis, dark magic, etc. you can find the rest on rioridanwiki!), assume that Reader's bullet wound disappeared when Bob was around, that’s all i think!

AN: Also, i did some research and talked to someone who has the experience, and comic book Bob does have DID. So i have subtly hinted at it in this one. i am NOT romanticising it. Feel free to dm me incase i have gotten anything wrong. Love you all <3

PS: this is a work of fiction. I don't own any of these characters and I have made some changes to fit the storyline better and because it's an AU. I have taken all the information from google and riordanwiki. Incase I have gotten anything wrong, please let me know!

Greek translation: chryse mou- my golden one.

"Still can't speak?"

"She hasn't said a word since she got here?! What a freak!"

"Come on, show us that magic, (Name). The same one that your siblings have. Oh wait, you can't. Because you're a fraud!"

How were you hearing these voices again? It's been...years since you last visited the camp.

No. This can't be it.

You opened your eyes to a canopy of trees above you. The sunlight peeking through the leaves hitting your eyes directly, causing you to squint and groan. You pushed yourself up, elbows digging into the dirt below, head turning to the side to see-

Clarisse La Rue and her friends, standing around a meek and nervous girl, who must be around 11-12 years old. After sitting up fully, you moved closer to the group and gasped when you realised that it was you, and the memory became clearer to you. These were the camp woods. And this was just another day where Clarisse was bullying you. But this time, you'd reacted.

A 12 year old you, cornered by an 11 year old Clarisse and her friends, who were poking and pushing to get you to react to their taunts, to fight back, to speak up.

You see, you hadn't spoken to anyone since you got to the camp. Chiron had called it selective mutism, said it was normal after the trauma you endured. He was the only person you talked to, really. And sometimes even he received a reply back in written form, than spoken.

Clarisse took that personally. Said she found it weird how Chiron kept a close eye on you, how easily you get claimed, how you just don't speak to anyone, how they haven't seen you use your magic- all of it. She decided to make your life hell, taking advantage of your silence and poking you endlessly, even after spending 2 years at the camp and even though she was younger than you.

You just couldn't answer. Every time you tried to speak, it felt like there was a noose around your neck, tightening around it and halting any words that were on the tip of your tongue. Chiron offered therapy, but there was no progress, yet. The bullying just made it worse.

And now, 27 year old you, watched your younger version wring her hands together, the sleeves of her purple pull-over covering her hands, a pair of black trousers and scuffed Nikes with a neat braid adorned on top of her head. Suddenly you realised, that you had dressed up just like her.

Same clothes. Same hair. Same shoes.

Your face scrunched up in confusion. Weren't you in a hospital gown just now? And where was B-

"You're a weirdo, you know that? 2 years in the camp and you still don't say a word. Can't even fight or use your magic. You don't deserve to be here, honestly", Clarisse scoffed, walking closer to you, her tall form towering over.

Younger you closed her eyes in exhaustion and ducked her head, fingers fidgeting with each other. You could see the twitch of her lips. You could feel it. That urge to say something so bad, felt it like it happened yesterday. You wanted to tell her to shut up, to back off.

"Tell me, (Name), what'd you do to get here? How did Hecate claim you so easily? Ares didn't give us an easy chance, right everyone?", she gritted, asking her siblings to respond.

They replied 'No' in unison. Younger you just shook her head.

"Say something!", she cried out in irritation, pushing at your shoulder hard enough to make you stumble back, her foot catching onto a log, making her fall back on her behind, palms craped due to the gravel on the ground.

You froze. You knew what was going to happen next. The day that unleashed a whole new problem for you. And foolishly, you stepped in front of Clarisse to ask her to stop before it escalates.

"Clarisse, stop. Don't do this", you pleaded, a hand wrapped around her arm to stop her.

She didn't move. She brushed your hand off and stomped over to younger you, crouching down before her.

"Not even strong enough to save herself from falling", she provoked, making her group laugh in mockery.

You noticed the way your hands shook, making you shake your head in denial as you tried to stop Clarisse again.

"Stop it. You don't wanna do this, Clarisse, Stop", you shook her shoulders, keeping an eye on your younger version who was intensely staring at Clarisse, her jaw shaking from anger.

Clarisse suddenly turned her eyes towards you, blankly staring, before she deadpanned, "Learn how to deal with your shame, (Name)"

You furrowed your brows before she turned her attention back, scowling at younger you, who was still shaking with anger, tears of frustration coating your eyes as they started to glow.

You walked around to place your hands on younger you's ears, mumbling soothing reassurances to calm her down, but Clarisse had different plans.

"Letting yourself be bullied by someone younger than you, ooh, that's embarrassing, I-"

And it happened. A strong burst of purple magic blasted Clarisse away from you, making her slam against a tree trunk harshly before slamming to the ground. The other kids screamed in terror, scrambling over to help Clarisse up.

You closed your eyes solemnly, tears of shame and guilt streaming down your face as you embraced the younger you closer, shielding her shaking body with your frozen one. You had injured her Clarisse so bad, she had dislocated her shoulder and Chiron had to ask you not to participate in any kind of sparring or training for a few days.

Nobody talked to you after that, leaving you to wallow in your shame and guilt.

You opened your eyes and suddenly there were no woods. No camp.

Furrowing your eyebrows in confusion, your bloodshot eyes darted around crazily as you tried to understand where you were. All you could see was rubble, the air thick with dust and distant sounds of cries and weapons echoing around you.

And suddenly, a flash of red and gold. A cloud of dust from the thruster repulsion. A sound of the clinks of a metal suit hitting the ground.

Your eyes widened as you realised. "T-Tony?", you whispered in disbelief.

This was...this was the battle. The last one. Where you lost Tony. And Nat. And Steve. The one that made your life hell because you simply stood and watched it all fall apart.

"No...", you shook your head in denial, watching Tony exchange a look with Strange before he blasted the guantlet off of Thanos' hands.

You chose that moment to run, feet thundering against the debris, ignoring the multiple distractions as you crashed on your knees and grabbed Tony's arm, trying to pull the gauntlet off, groans leaving your mouth. You tried using your magic, but to no avail. This was exactly like that dream in the vault.

Tony didn't stop, he kept moving his arm out of your grip, a blast from his suit pushing you away, your back hitting the hard ground a few feet away. You quickly sat up, blinking away the blurriness when suddenly, you saw a figure sitting in front of you. Rubbing your eyes, you braced yourself against the damaged car door and you saw it again.

A man, clad in a blue shirt and brown pants, sitting on the floor of what looked like an attic. His hands were constantly twisting around a rubik's cube. His brunette curls a mess around his head, sticking up like a halo.

Your breath stuttered as you realised who the man was.

"Bob?", you said out loud, voice laced with shock, making him turn his head, eyes widened in shock.

Was he doing this? How was he alive?

"(Name)...you...", he called out, his voice echoed before fading out.

You blinked and he was gone. A dark shadow covering you before the scene changed again.

This time, you were face to face with Happy's crying face, leaned over a huge crater on the road, and there was a boy next to him. His face completely blurry, but both of the men had their attention trained on one thing.

Or rather, one person. You felt your heart stop.

Fear and dread paralysed you, your feet dragging across the concrete, the smell of smoke tickling your nose as you approached the crater and-

There she was. May Parker. Your Aunt May. Covered in blood. Her unseeing eyes looking up at Happy's injured face, a faint smile tugging at her lips, her chest unmoving. And your world fell apart once again.

"No. no no no-", you choked, falling to your knees, hands hovering above May helplessly. Face a mess of tears.

"No. No- May- Don't do this to me- Please. Bob!", you cried out, crashing down on the road, a hand reaching out to hold May's still one, her skin was ice cold to the touch. You winced, face scrunching up in pain as you called out for Bob again.

"No, p-please! Bob! Stop this, please. Let me out, let me out! Please-"

"(Name)? Is that really you?", Bob's hesitant voice called out again, making you snap your head up and seeing him reflected against the glass door of the building.

"B-bob! Yes, it's me. Are you doing this? Please stop I can't-", you sobbed, eyes shutting tightly as you gripped May's hands and the darkness enveloped you again, May's hand disappearing from your grip.

You opened your eyes to another scene, except this time, he was right in front of you. Bob.

You were in a cluttered attic now, kneeling against the wooden floorboard, a few feet away from Bob, who was sitting in the same position as you had seen in the reflection.

So you weren't dreaming. This was actually happening. And he was alive. His ocean blue eyes looked at you tentatively, strands of brown hair falling into his eyeline as he watched you stand and make your way over to him, hesitantly.

"You're alive?", you whispered, sitting next to him on the ground, eyes taking in his very alive and breathing form.

He swallowed and nodded, eyes darting across the room, "Yeah. I- Might be because of the serum", he croaked out, eyes focused on the cube in his hands.

You pursed your lips and nodded, relief pouring in your veins, your eyes looking around the room in confusion, "Where are we?"

Bob smiled dryly, "This was the nicest room I could find", his shiny blue eyes looked at you in resignation. Like he'd given up.

You gave him a thin smile in return, before you decided to bite the bullet. "Bob, what is going on?"

His hands stilled.

"I woke up to you...in a spandex suit and blonde hair, fighting everyone, and when I woke up the next time, you were-", your voice cracked, hands squeezing each other in nervousness, "you were dead. I couldn't feel you...Your e-eyes...they were bloody, unmoving and then, there was a black shadow that pushed me to relive the worst things I've experience in my life."

He flinched, his eyes closed shut out of guilt and pain.

"What is happening, Bob?", you asked in a quiet voice, observing his body language closely. The way he was trying to make himself smaller.

"You had a dream in the vault, remember?", he asked you, making you blink in surprise.

"How...how do you know about that?"

“You experienced it because of me. We were holding hands. I can…make someone relive their worst moments, somethin' like that”, he avoided eye contact.

Your mouth fell open. “So- all of this…it was you?”

He shook his head, “Oh, it's not me, me. It's-it's- it's that. The void. I have these good days, you know? where I feel…I feel invincible. But then there are a lot of bad days. And I remember that nothing….nothing matters.”

Your heart broke as you listened to his words, paired with the forlorn expression on his face. It was very clear to you from that start, that he was struggling. A lot. His pain and suffering was basically radiating off of him.

And the way he described his feelings, it reminded you about reading something akin to that in your course, your face softening in empathy and understanding.

“So you’re just going to sit here and let it take over?”, you asked carefully, not wanting to offend him in anyway.

He shrugged dismissively, “There's no point fighting it. At least I found a nice room. The other rooms are much worse.”

You pursed your lips, looking around the room once more before nodding, “Yeah. It's nice and quiet here.”

It was like you had jinxed it.

Suddenly there were loud noises, a man screaming and yelling curses and deprecating comments, sounds of utensils crashing, and you froze, Bob doing the same momentarily, looking down the gaps in the floorboards before turning his head away in shame.

You followed his eyes and looked down the gaps, and there you saw it—a man yelling, his arms raised in aggression, a small boy, no older than 10-12, standing defensively in front of the woman who was sitting at the table, her entire body slack with a numbness that spreads out in someone who's been through the same situation too many times.

You squinted your eyes as you noticed the boy’s clothes. Blue sweater, brown corduroy pants, his hair a brown mess of curls.

Your eyes widened as it all clicked into place.

It was Bob. This was Bob’s room. This was his memory and those were his parents.

“Bob, shut your mouth.”

“Mom, no.”

“My son, the hero. Look at you”, his dad sneers,“What are you gonna do?”

“Bob. Sit down”, his mom pulled him back again.

“You a hero, Bobby?” The condescending tone in his father’s voice irked you, your hands itching to release a spell and end him then and there.

“Sit down. You’re making it worse.”

“You always made it worse.”

And you watched in horror as the man who was supposed to be his father, raises his hand and slaps Bob. Harsh enough for the boy to stumble back and fall.

The smack echoed across the entire house, rattling your bones in the process as your chest squeezed in pain. Your eyes stung with tears, a thick lump strangling you from inside, as you struggled to speak. To offer him support.

“B-Bob”, you breathed out, you looked at him with red rimmed eyes, hands clenched into fists on your knees.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry”, he replied softly. His eyes were glassy, nose tinged red with the effort to stop his sobs.

You furrowed your brows, something about the way he'd brush aside his problems left a bitter taste in your mouth. "No, hey. Don't apologise, Bob. You shouldn't bottle it up like this. Where are the others?"

He sniffled. "Stuck in their own shame rooms. It's...the shadow you mentioned? That's him. The Void. It's spread over the entire city, now."

His face was highlighted by the pulsing light outside the window, his nose twitching with the telltale of crying. You moved to sit closer to him, your knees touching his.

Both of your hearts lurched at the touch.

"You can't let it sit and fester like this, Bob. You have to let it out. You can't contain it all by yourself. Nobody can. You have to spend time with your new friends....with me. And even if that doesn't make The Void go away, I promise you, it feels better. Lighter", you soothed him, head tilted to look at him better.

He finally stopped fiddling with the cube, raising his teary eyes to look at you solemnly, sniffling in a poor attempt to stop crying. And he very gently, vulnerably asked, "How do you know?"

You gave him a gentle smile, "Because it worked for me. My friends helped by talking to me. Encouraged me to talk to them. And surprisingly, it felt like...like someone had hooked me up to an oxygen mask after being suffocated for months. Like I could freely breathe again."

His eyes opened in wonder, before soft cries wracked his body, his shoulders shaking with them, a steady stream of tears soaking the hem of his sweater as they poured down his neck. The sounds pierced straight through your heart. That same ache you were feeling ever since you saw him in the vault was back again.

Frowning, you sat up on your knees, putting your arms around his shoulders, enveloping him in a warm embrace, your cheek resting on his temple, his shaking body burrowing into your own, damp face pressed against your neck as his arms went around your waist, hugging you tightly.

It was like two magnets. Your bodies molded perfectly against each other, like puzzle pieces.

Bob felt the numbness in his chest fade away, the tug in his core soothed by your presence. If he wasn't struggling as he is right now, he would've frozen at how close you were to him. Your soft skin against his cheeks, your heartbeat thumping against his ears, the way your hands smoothed over his back and arm, your breath hitting his face- it was all too much, and too less, at the same time.

If he could, he'd crawl into your skin, Bob thought. He still couldn't feel your magic pulsing under your veins, the buzz of it a welcome static. But then he realised that the Void probably caused it to weaken, and got upset at himself again.

Suddenly he remembered what he saw in your shame rooms and winced, his arms loosening around your waist to look up at you with bloodshot eyes, his breath hitching at how close your faces were and how he could see every little detail on your face. The light coming in and out of the room made you glow mystically, like you were his guardian angel.

You looked at him so earnestly, his heart squeezed against his ribs. All the voices in his head had suddenly quieted down and yet, the guilt stuck to his throat like a sticky gum.

"I'm sorry", he whispered brokenly.

Your eyebrows creased and Bob fought the urge to smooth them. "Bob, I already said-"

"No, please, hear me out", he responded shakily and rested his hands oh so delicately on your waist. Like he was afraid of touching you. Your body almost shivered at the tenderness. Your hands found place on his broad shoulders before you nodded for him to continue, eyes fluttering over the way his curls stuck out in every direction and his mesmerising blue eyes.

"You had to relive all of that because of me. I didn't-didn't mean to see it, I swear. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve any of that. If I could, I could protect you against it all, I swear-", he was getting worked up, golden flecks shimmering around his irises, breathing laboured and hands fidgeting with the hem of your sweater to ground himself.

Bringing your hands up to his jaw, you looked into his eyes deeply, a thumb wiping the dampness on his cheeks slowly, his eyes shutting close in surrender, like he had waited for this his whole life.

"Healing begins when you face the wound, chryse mou. I was actively ignoring all of this...for years. I haven't thought of the accident since I was 15. I shut down and stopped leaving my house after...after Thanos. Didn't talk to a single soul. Sam and Bucky helped me out of that darkness, and they're the reason why I'm standing here. Even then, I'd simply...blocked these memories", you swallowed before tilting his head up slightly, making him open his glassy eyes. You gave him a smile, one that was comforting.

"Now that I've faced them head on, I can, at least, move past them and remember all the good times. I thank you, for that", you soothed, your words as comforting and warm as a balm, hands tenderly cradling his face as his lips quivered again. He looked up at you in wonder.

How were you real? And what had he done to deserve you or your kindness?

Your caring touch and words healed something in him, that not even his own parents, the only people in the world who were supposed to protect him, could. Bob Reynolds hadn't experienced such a tenderness since he was born. And ever since he had been injected with the serum, everyone treated him like he was a bomb ready to explode.

You? You were the first, and only one, to give him that security. To treat him like he mattered. He'd never been protected before, and now, at 27 years old, you came in like a goddess and took a bullet for him. Your strength and softness had wrapped around him like a childhood blanket. One that was soft, warm, and safe.

He felt safe with you. Robert Reynolds was finally safe.

The thought was so overwhelming, that his vision turned blurry again before the entire room started shaking, as if the whole world was stunned at this discovery as well. As if The Void was shocked at this.

Bob pulled away swiftly, eyes darting around the chaos in the room as the furniture started shaking. Of course, he didn't like it.

Books and pages starting hitting you two, causing you to duck and Bob's arms bringing you closer to his large form, tucking you under his arms like a bird does to its younglings.

A chair hurled across the room and slammed against your back, causing you to curse and hold onto Bob's waist tighter.

"What is happening!", you cried out in pain and confusion into his chest, his body jerking when a box collided against his body, his eyes shutting in pain and embarrassment.

"I'm sorry! Just-here", he replied breathlessly, pulling away to stand up with you.

"Bob...what's going on?", you asked tentatively, he moved so he stood behind you, his chest warm against your back. Your stomach flipped at the closeness.

The furniture started slamming against the walls, huge gusts of wind making it difficult for you to focus as papers, clothes, curtains started whipping around the room, like a tornado.

"It-it happens sometimes. Just ignore it, I-", Bob was cut off as a curtain wrapped around your throats and pulled you away, causing you to gasp and pull at the fabric, a hand stretched out to reach for Bob on the other side, who was simply breathing faster.

"Can't--Can't we leave?! B-Bob!", you managed to choke out, your throat closing up gradually because of how tightly the fabric was wound around your neck. Bob simply scrunched his face in shame, his chest collapsing with the lack of oxygen and pain from looking at your struggling face, the way your face was losing its colour as the fabric tightened. You'd been hurt because of him again.

"Just- try to get used to it, okay? There's no death here, (Name), the pain only gets worse", he gasped out, trying to loosen the noose when suddenly, the curtain was cut in half, the pressure releasing against your neck and you gagged, coughing roughly as you bent over, taking in harsh breaths.

You felt a steady hand on your back, supporting you while you tried to get in air, gently pulling you up to help you breathe better.

Your blurry eyes fell on Bucky's concerned ones and you sighed in relief, leaning against him for support.

"Easy, easy. Are you okay?", he asked in that low, gravelly voice, a hand squeezing your shoulder. You massaged your throat gently and nodded, swallowing thickly to get the feeling in your throat back.

"Are you okay?", you croaked, checking him over in concern. You could only imagine how bad his rooms were.

He simply gave you a dopey smile, "Oh, I'm fine. I have a great past."

You tilted your head in disbelief and scoffed softly. He was the true inventor of dark humor.

Behind him, was the entire team. Ava, John, Alexei and Yelena, who was checking on Bob.

"This place is a mess", John scowls, looking around the room in irritation.

The storm hadn't receded, objects still flew across the room, all of you ducking and saving each other. Bucky raised his vibranium arm to shield you, a huge table smashing just next to you before Bucky pulled you aside. Yelena was being grabbed on by invisible hands that protruded from the slope of the attic, John quickly making his way over to kick them away while Ava and Bob stood side by side, dodging wooden carts and heavy books, Alexei ripping apart a pillow in exasperation.

And all of a sudden, it stopped. Like the calm before the storm. It was too quiet, too still, but you appreciated the breather as you all regrouped.

Everyone was breathing heavily, gathering in a semi-circle to stay close.

"We're here together...thank you guys, really", Bob said sheepishly, an appreciative smile tugging at his lips.

"Of course. Here we are. Shane's Elite Electronic Thunderbolts", Ava deadpanned, a glimmer of mischief floating in her eyes.

The rest of you shook your heads as her and Alexei began to bicker about the name.

"Well", John broke the debate, ever the impatient one, "How do we get out of here?"

Bob wrung his hands together, "As far as I know, it's just...infinite rooms."

As soon as he uttered those words, an idea popped into your head.

"Wait, you said this was the nicest room you found and the others were much worse, right?", you asked Bob directly.

He pursed his lips, "Yes."

You took a deep breath before looking around the group, eyes landing on Bob at last, "Okay. Well, show us the worst."

You tried to make your stare as earnest and encouraging as you could, and it worked. He agreed to your suggestion and all of you followed Bob out of the attic, as he showed you his worst rooms.

-

Well, unsurprisingly, the first 'worst' room, was the one you'd seen from top. The dining room. His father was still yelling in Bob and his mom's faces, Bob's little face was damp with tears and the Bob next to you was terrified, tension coiling around his body like a snake squeezing around it's prey. As soon as Bob's father saw you all, he snarled, charging towards the group.

Bob grabbed your hand in haste, pulling you back with him as his dad got closer. You grabbed his hand tightly, free hand wrapping around his bicep in comfort.

"Where do you think you're going, Robert?", he scowled and was shut up quickly as John smashed his shield into his face, causing Bob's father to grunt in pain.

So hard that there was an audible 'bang'.

"Well he seems nice", John quipped, letting the cruel man fall down by his feet. You watched John in amusement and shock.

John Walker? Protecting someone? Now that's something you’d pay to watch.

"The strangest mission I've ever been a part of- this way!", John instructed, clearing the path as he gestured you all to walk through the door.

Bucky had an arm around you, Yelena and Ava walked in front of you, Bob's hand was still tightly clasped into yours, with Alexei right behind him.

"Go, go, go, come on!", John ushered you all out as the room began shaking and as soon as your feet crossed the threshold, the scene changed.

You were in the middle of a street now, a restaurant's neon lights blaring in front of you, paired with an otherwise empty road.

It was a normal scene, except there was a fucking chicken hitting John and Alexei with a signboard?

"What the hell?", you muttered as Bob pulled you close to him, his body half shielding yours as the chicken-man-whatever, swung the board around again, hitting John in the stomach.

"Bob, you hit me with that sign one more time-", John groaned as the man hit him again.

You and Bob flinched, Bob getting worked up again as he cried out, "I was on meth!"

You looked up at him in worry, his hand holding yours with a death grip now, a light sheen of spit covering his mouth again. He gasped, putting you behind him with his arm raised to cover his head, the man running towards you two but a sound of bone crunching hit the air, you peeked around Bob to see that it was Bucky who had punched the chicken man.

"This way! Come on, c'mon- Go!", Bucky ushered you all away, you dragging a wired Bob with you as John opened the door of the restaurant, the neon lights blending into a muted gray, a sterile smell hitting your nose.

As soon as the doors opened, your eyes fell onto a room that resembled a lab. Stacked with shelves filled with chemicals and surrounded by huge glass windows. The lab was empty. Which was surprising since no shame room had been empty.

Bob's grip loosened on your hand as he walked in, his face melting into realisation, and you kept your observant gaze on the back of his head, standing next to Bucky.

"I've...been here before", he murmured, raising a hand to point around the room, "This is where it started. I was roaming around South East Asia, though I'd figure something out, or at least, find more drugs", he said dryly.

You felt your heart pinch painfully.

"Then there was this guy, started talking to me about a-a medical study. A trial drug that could make me stronger. Felt like a miracle", he scoffed self-deprecatingly. You frowned, your stomach rolling with that same tug again.

"I'd finally get to show everyone that I was more...That I was...something", he conceded in a quiet voice, hands pulling at his sleeves in nervousness.

It felt like someone had punched you again. He was so alone. And in need of help. Your throat burned with angry tears as you remembered how Valentina had treated him.

And as you had predicted, the room was not empty.

A thick, heavy voice echoed from the end of the room, the atmosphere suddenly felt like it was choking you. Like you were in permanent mourning.

You froze. You'd felt this exact same way when Bob had 'died'.

"And look what you unleashed...", every head in the room turned towards the voice, you stepped away from Bob's towering form and almost let out a gasp.

There was a man. Or a shadow. Or an entity. His silhouette was eerily similar to Bob's. Same hair, same body language. And the similar cadence of the voice...except he was jet black. A shadow so dark that you saw nothing except the twin stars in his eyes. Only his body's outline was visible. Like a black hole. Like a-

Void. This was the Void that Bob talked about.

You shivered as though someone had poured ice cold water on you. You belly still experiencing that same tug and ache, except it was stronger and fiercer now. A strange cloud of sadness and anxiety clouded in your lungs.

"The most shameful thing of it all, was thinking you could be anything more than nothing..", he slurred, the patronising and condescending tone of his words sent a shiver down your spine. He moved smoothly, way too smoothly. His body slack and relaxed, with an odd sense of suaveness and confidence.

And although his movements was hypnotising, his words hit like knives. Like sharp icicles in that cold, demeaning tone of his. You couldn't imagine how Bob felt like.

Bob shifted, "We're leaving", he put a hand on your arm and began to usher everyone out, your eyes lingering on Void for a moment longer as he simply tilted his head, the doors closing on their own.

"No", he stated and raised a hand, the beams on top of you ripped apart and slammed into Alexei and Yelena, their bodies hitting the doors harshly and Ava was nailed onto the wall next to them, her hands stuck behind the metal beam as well.

Your eyes widened, Bob trying his best to make it stop but it all happened so quickly.

Metal bars wrapped around Bucky, holding him to one of the shelves and a glass shard flew across the room, stabbing John in the chest, metal rebars pinning him to the shelf in the same way as Bucky.

He still hadn't done anything to you.

"Stop it!", you glowered stupidly, useless without magic, hands shaking with anger and frustration, with Bob trying to hold you back with a tight hold on your arms.

Void tilted his head again and chuckled, his too white teeth a horrifying sight against his dark body. You recoiled in unease against Bob’s chest.

"Oh, sweetheart…I know both of you have a..soft spot for each other. But don’t you feel it? That ache? That—that pull?”

You froze. Bob furrowed his brows, a strange feeling nagging at his mind.

“Ah. You do, don’t you? Except...it’s much more intense now...it’s crawling into your skin…penetrating your bones…perhaps, excitement to meet me?”, he drawled lazily, a gravelly chuckle leaving his mouth.

Bob's grip tensed on you, instinctively pushing you closer to him. The rest of the team watched helplessly, groaning in pain as the binds tightened around them.

"Don't talk to her", Bob snarled, disliking how interested the Void was in you. You watched, perplexed, as your body seemed to react to the Void's voice, the increased heart rate, the flushed face, that tug in your core.

Void tilted his head to the side in challenge, the twin stars in his eyes flickering like he blinked, and he raised an arm in your direction.

You or Bob barely had any time to react, before your body floated across the room, your feet in the air, body straight and alert like someone had tied you up.

Bob's eyes widened. "No!", he tried to run towards you but his legs were suddenly nailed to the ground.

Bucky scowled, struggling against the rebars around his chest, “Leave her out of this!"

Void pulled you close to him, your eyes following his movements, transfixed. And suddenly, your shoulder erupted in pain.

The same shoulder that had been shot.

You were confused between crying in pain and wondering about where had the wound disappeared. You swore it wasn't there this entire time.

You groaned as your shoulder throbbed, a numb feeling extending from the top of your shoulder till your fingertips, blood soaking the sleeve of your pullover.

"You calm him down. Both of them...the way they shut me out whenever you're close..", he growled in irritation, bothered with the fact that you were a hindrance in the way his darkness spread in Bob's mind. Like you were an intrusion.

Your shoulder hurt some more, causing you to gasp in pain, body shaking due to the blood loss.

"D-Don't hurt her...please-Please!", Bob wailed, face crumpled in pain as your blood dripped down your sleeve.

Void didn't like that.

He simply looked at the group before the glass windows erupted, glass shards and pieces flying across the room and nicking their bodies, somehow missing Bob. As if he had decided that physical injuries weren't necessary to hurt Bob.

All of them groaned in pain, blood oozing out of their cuts. Bob whimpered, "Stop-stop! Just let them go, please. You want me-"

"You don't need her. Or them. You think they care about you? That she cares about you?", Void chuckled darkly, slowly tilting his head to look at you, now delirious with the pain and blood loss, eyes half opened as you stared him down.

"You...you're just jealous", you whispered, making the Void's laughter stop, the room engulfed in silence.

"You're jealous because you want to be him...to be known...to be cared for...", you slurred, head drooping.

"You're jealous..", you chuckled lazily, watching the Void's energy dim as you hit him with the truth.

He was shocked. Because you're the only one to ever say that to him. The only one to ever call him out on his loneliness, his touch starved nature, his longing, his jealousy towards how Bob/Sentry was treated.

Because he had been alone for his entire life too. He deserved to have 'friends' like Bob, too. He deserved to feel your gentle touch and kinder words, too.

And he knew this. Afterall, the two of you weren't tethered for no reason. After all, you didn't feel that ache in your chest for no reason.

It's because you were meant for each other. For them. For Bob.

And he wasn't sure how to handle that. So he simply agitated your wound more, making you whimper in pain, as he battled with his own emotions while Bob broke through the forces holding him, and ran towards you.

Chapter 7

-

AN: soooo sorry for the late update. its been really busy at home for me and because i had to take admission for my masters. Hope you all like this! please like and reblog <3

taglist: @96jnie @ethereal-athalia @joaquinsgf @parkersjoy @spideybrie @tacorice @rin-borahae @darling-eos @shootmethroughmyhead @pinkgin1220 @astromilku @antclotz @incorrectateezforatiny @malu940 @gingy7891 @chxrry-wxn3 @marymun @jinx53 @tippyeddy @rhaenyrathecruell @magpiemayhem @kawaiilovephantom @blackcats-and-witchcraft @kaixvdenny @giona45-5 @qardasngan @sarcazzzum @lilajoy-ily

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Sorry, can't tag anymore cus the tags are full! :(

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

antisemites will genuinely expect jews to be endlessly patient with them while simultaneously referring to us as nazis, baby killers, pedophiles, etc. honestly no one owes you patience ever, but how the fuck can you even expect to get it while you are constantly hurling the worst possible insults at someone.

yesterday i was gonna try to help dig an antisemite out of the jew-hatred pipeline. they seemed perfectly fine, just misguided, so i was willing to help at first. until they insulted israeli jews and called them "zionazis" and i gave them the ultimatum that if I was gonna help them they'd have to stop insulting people for the duration of the conversation. and it was like a switch flipped. they began to insult jews every other sentence, specifically converts and israelis, so of course i decided to not go through with helping them bc dont insult ppl means dont insult ppl.

the worst part is they were trying to do this while propping me up as a "good jew" and i find that shit reprehensible. i dont feel any warmth when someone is cruel to all other jews and then claims that im good bc im "not like them". surprisingly people insulting those that i care about doesnt make me trust them!

maybe this all says something about leftism that someone besides me could describe better (person was a leftist btw). it's like antisemitic leftists care more about how they appear than helping others. maybe being told "they're horrible, i hate them, but you're one of the good ones! you're better!" is a compliment for them. i dont think antisemites are stupid to the point that they dont realize that they're insulting people, but i do kinda think they believe they're complimenting people when they absolutely aren't.

[acertainmoshke]

Happy STS! What are your go-to/preferred writing tools? Favorite pen types, notebooks, keyboards, etc, but it doesn't have to be limited to just those things. Writing programs, favorite reference books, thesauruses, dictionaries, TTS software, whiteboards, corkboards, flash cards, encyclopedias, anything goes!

Nooooooooooo Nopal you don't know what you've done! How could you know I have an actual special interest in this??

So I am obsessed with notebooks but also REALLY picky about them. My handwriting is teeny so I don't like big lines, and I think it looks neater and prettier with smaller lines anyway. The covers can have a cool pattern or be plain if it's a nice color and high-quality enough. I do occasionally make exceptions; my current journal is fairly cheap with large lines, but it's a rare older Batman one in my favorite color with bat-tech designs on all the pages and a light-up bat signal on the color, so it was worth it. My newly discovered favorite notebook aspect is ones that are designed so the pages lay flat and it's easier to write. Oh, and I LOATHE spiral notebooks. The big school-style ones are ok for random notes or anything unimportant, but the smaller little ones that are normal book size are absolutely worthless. The spirals always come undone before I'm done with them.

I'm also picky about writing utensils. I keep a journal strictly in pen so it can't fade and I can't get embarrassed and erase it. I write stories strictly in pencil because I WILL need to erase and try out lines. But, although I'm using one currently for my big-lined Batman journal, in general I can't stand large ballpoints. By which I mean 0.7, which is pretty standard. 0.5 is ok, but I much prefer the rarer smaller pens. I used to have a Japanese friend who I would get to send me 0.35 pens because they are normal there but expensive over here. In pencils anything under 0.5 is impractical, but I like the fancy mechanical pencils with a nice grip and a dent that lets you dig out the eraser even after it's erased down. My current one is teal.

None of that answered your question but it was necessary anyway. And this is getting too long so the actual answer is going under a cut.

We'll see how long I can keep it going, but I like to write my stories on paper. Of course, it's not worth starting a nice new notebook if I'm unlikely to finish it and it's impractical if I don't have a clear idea of the basic story, because jumping around out of order is impossible. I like it though because it forces me to slow down and think about each scene; I can't rush the way I do when typing. It also gives me a built-in edit when I copy it up, so by the time I'm editing a full draft it's already technically a second draft. And it's convenient because I can take it to work and write on my breaks, or if I'm waiting in line at the post office, or anywhere I happen to find myself.

I do still write on the computer, of course, for fanfiction or just-for-fun things I'll never finish or stories I'm still figuring out. When I do truly long-form things I like to use work because I hate the way Google docs looks (controversial, I know). But for short things, or worldbuilding, or fanfic, I like to use Notion. I like that I can nest pages within each other endlessly. It makes my autistic organizing brain buzz.

I recently discovered that I enjoy using actual notecards pinned to a corkboard for initial plot planning. I can't always do this, and I make outlines too for more detail, but being able to physically move stuff around in real space helps my brain focus on what is actually important to include.

Thank you sooooo much for giving me a chance to ramble about this!!

[wfmrish]

Impact of Meme Culture: Widening The Generational Gap

According to the Merriem-Webster dictionary, a meme can be defined as ‘an amusing or interesting item (such as a captioned picture or video) or genre of items that is spread widely online especially through social media’. Memes are used as a tool to share information in a mostly humorous way on various social media platforms like Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, etc. and they have a universal understanding amongst the users of those platforms. They prove to be a uniting factor among people of various cultures, ages, sexes and more by having a widely understood meaning and a means to generate mirth in the consumer. 

Memes have historically been of many forms such as videos, images, certain text phrases and other media forms. Video forms of memes often arise due to viral videos that spread through the internet like wildfire. Often these viral videos or memes have no conceivable meaning, it just happens to be something funny. There is no actual humor in a video of a boy reading out a street sign and saying he had expected the road to be working ahead after all, except for the sheer stupidity and simplicity of it. These videos were at a peak during the time of the video sharing platform ‘Vine’. Vines were the pinnacle of meme videos where people would share short clips of funny things and they would go viral and would get shared and reshared thousands of times before they became memes themselves. 

The internet has a way of evolving with its past, where one cannot truly understand all of the current trends without knowing the past ones at least in brief. This creates an interesting phenomenon wherein an internet user has a specific part of their memory dedicated to storing up all the past memes and viral content on the internet which is associated with the ever changing virality of new content that comes up online. The digitized memory of the brain is hardwired to make sense of the current trends if they are in any way related to prior stored information and thus a new and endlessly connected mesh of information is formed online. 

This mesh of ever flowing content which is all interconnected has created a larger gap in the digital age spectrum. The different generations have different capacities or experiences with storing the information available online. Gen Z, who is brought up and raised in the highly computerized world with ready availability of the internet is more in touch with the memes and trends of the present. This does not take away from the fact that they are somewhat distanced from memes from the previous generation of the millennials, because they were not yet born when the millennials were developing the internet and all the memes that came at that time are too old for Gen Z to know unless someone digs through the archives of internet memes. But by far, the most disadvantageous is the generation before millennials. They have a tough time adapting to this digital world, as they grew up when the invention of the internet was still underway. They barely know how to use the internet, the knowledge of memes is far cry. 

This digital disparity between generations about the understanding of memes and viral trends causes what is known as digital dysphoria amongst the elders. They suffer through bouts of alienations and perceived eliminations from the lives of their loved ones only because they are not ‘hip’ enough or caught with the current trends. Often there are cases of grandparents feeling secluded by their grandkids due to their inability to be connected through social media which is the best means of communication for the grandkids. There have also been cases where grandparents or elder folk have admitted to have felt ridiculed when the ‘youngsters’ talk about how they do not understand certain memes or viral video references. Some memes perpetuate stereotypes about older generations, portraying them as technologically inept or out of touch. These stereotypes can contribute to negative perceptions of elderly individuals in digital spaces and reinforce age-related biases. 

Elderly people often rely on memes and internet lingo or jargon to understand what is happening in the world and feel more connected culturally to the digital space and it is our responsibility as online residents to help them in their journey so they have as less problems as possible. It is on us to make sure that no person who is willing to learn the ways of the internet is disappointed or disheartened. There are many ways to achieve this. Organizing digital literacy workshops is one great example of how we can not only teach people how to judiciously and safely use the internet, but also how to understand certain references and memes for easier communication online. Meme culture has grown like a colony of bacteria infecting a piece of bread but it is upon us to make sure it grows to accommodate more people and proves to be accessible to everyone. If something designed to create a positive culture online serves to discriminate against a certain group of people, it has failed to accomplish its job and we must strive to do better.

[mevekagvain]

Chapter 452 - I just feel like Mirai and Urne's bracelets are detrimental in fights. Like their whole outfits are but that's more obvious.

Chapter 453 - RK's here ^^

- ... And so is Juraki.

Chapter 454 - Regasus is bigger than Regis I'm pretty sure,,, child. Baby.

- M-21 did the ww wolf attack. Good for him. Rip Urne though.

- There's just something hilarious about Seira spinning Death Scythe to block attacks. Makes me envision kids spinning pencils and pens.

Chapter 455 - Glowy eyes!

- ...I have so many questions about Mirai being severed in half. Like what body part has to be intact for regeneration to occur? Which gland or organ is sending out the necessary signals? That's just the basics because I've got a lot more. Also funnily enough, despite all the severing and regrowing, Noblesse isn't particularly gory. No pools of blood or viscera. Everything just disintegrates lmao.

Chapter 456 - On a deeper level I don't think Lunark and M-21 will ever be compatible until Lunark gets over thinking of humans as inferior but I think they'd make a cute couple. I like them helping each other. Also very cute imagining her training him.

Chapter 457 - Ye Ran has a teacher with a mohawk sjjsskks

- 2/3 female teachers out of 12 though. Very unrealistic considering over 50% of secondary school teachers are female in South Korea, be it in 2010 or now.

- Takeo trying to stop Tao from digging their hole deeper jajaksk. Like yeah do not tell Frankenstein all the details of what you did bro.

- Lunark hitting M-21 with a rock ajksksoso. Mood. Don't tease her.

- Mirai is completely naked 😶 But also wow. Wws can grow hair even on their palms and the soles of their feet? Very interesting.

- Nooooo not the clan leaders + Raskreia and Raizel posing. Screaming crying laughing rn.

Chapter 458 - I like how even Raskreia gets a flyer to be part of the RK 😆 See her cape billowing magnificently as she reads it.

- Kentas, Lunark 🤝 Raizel, Raskreia

Looking like they're related

- Okay this time she's genuinely blushing because she's embarrassed they haven't found Rozaria yet imo.

- Meanwhile poor Rozaria is completely lost as she seeks out Raskreia. They're dating <3 Also hc that Blood Witch is just chattering endlessly (not with actual words since soul weapon) by doing the equivalent of "a squirrel! Omg it ran up a tree! Ooo is that a xxx tree? Can I touch it please touch it how does it feel" etc.

Chapter 459 - Will forever take this to mean Garda's the strongest ww when she's sane and in control. She's just not dumb enough to want to be lord.

- Also Maduke... this is 100% your fault, not Muzaka's. You orchestrated wars, Ashleen's death, and even attempted Muzaka's to become lord instead of doing it the correct way which is winning in a one-on-one duel against him. If you're too weak to win then you can't be lord, end of story. You have no proper claim over the position, so Garda has every right to be hostile to you and to refuse to listen to your orders.

- It is interesting that Muzaka refers to Garda's peers as 'kids your age' like how old are you 😶 Ig he's probably a generation above her since he seems to be in the same gen as Maduke who looks like he's about to keel over at any second?

- ...I wonder if Muzaka ever asked Dorant when he's gonna get a partner since I'm pretty sure he and Garda are the same gen or just one apart and he asked her that. I like to think yes. Man is just invested in their love lives. Or more accurately, their lack of love lives. Also interesting how Erin and Garda have the same hair colour because I feel as if that could have let the two plot to raise Ashleen among wws by passing her off as theirs.

Chapter 460 - Ah yes Sadako Muzaka time.

- It is very interesting to see a fight between two ppl who're both put of their minds and not in control of themselves.

Chapter 461 - Garda meeting Frankenstein flashbacks and going to Lukedonia flashbacks. Garda debating whether she should say hi to Raizel because he's Muzaka's friend 🥺 That's so cute I love her.

- No none of this is your fault Raizel :/ Yeah you were a very shitty friend to the traitors and that's on you but that's not an excuse for them to plot with Maduke and set up a death match between you and Muzaka. Literally 0 fault lies with you. Let Raskreia deal with this.

[infinite-xerath]

Runeterra Retcons 7: Twitch

Ah, Twitch. Even among League’s roster of Champions were negatively impacted by the reboot, he’s something of a special case. How is his lore special, you ask? Well, quite simply… He doesn’t have any.

OK, that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but to give you a clear image of what I mean, we’re going to be doing things a little differently this time. Normally I start with the Champion’s OG lore states before addressing their current one, but with Twitch we’ll make an exception. I don’t even have to provide a link for you guys this time, since I can literally just copy-paste it right into the script.

Here’s Twitch’s summary on the Universe page:

“A Zaunite plague rat by birth, but a connoisseur of filth by passion, Twitch is not afraid to get his paws dirty. Aiming a chem-powered crossbow at the gilded heart of Piltover, he has vowed to show those in the city above just how filthy they really are. Always a sneaky sneak, when he’s not rooting around in the Sump, he’s digging deep into other people’s garbage for discarded treasures… and perhaps a moldy sandwich.”

And here’s his extended bio:

“A plague rat by birth, a connoisseur of filth by passion, Twitch is a paranoid and mutated rat that walks upright and roots through the dregs of Zaun for treasures only he truly values. Armed with a chem-powered crossbow, Twitch is not afraid to get his paws dirty as he builds a throne of refuse in his kingdom of filth, endlessly plotting the downfall of humanity.”

No, you are not seeing things. Twitch’s “extended” bio is actually shorter than his summary blurb, and neither actually tells us much of anything about the character. The most we really know is that Twitch apparently wants to destroy Piltover/humanity, but… We’re not really given a reason why.

Now, it should be noted that Twitch is more of a comedy-relief character than anything. He’s a deranged rodent with human-level intellect but still maintains all the stereotypical behaviors of a rat. He hates bright lights, lives in unhygienic environments, loves moldy food, etc. That’s kind of always been Twitch’s personality, to be frank, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. He’s not a particularly deep character and he doesn’t have to be, but I do think he deserved more than just two long sentences for his “extended” bio, especially since Riot HAS given him a much more fleshed-out backstory before.

So, with that out of the way, let’s look back on Twitch’s history and see what he once was, compared to what he is now. He’s got two prior lore states, so of course, we’ll begin with the first.

Alright, so immediately we have something a bit more compelling to work with. We have a clear explanation as to how and why Twitch was mutated into a large, intelligent rat, as well as a general motivation for him. Obviously, it’s not much since he still doesn’t have a goal beyond “representing himself.” It’s a start, at least, so let’s see how Twitch’s second bio expands on these ideas.

So, in this version, Twitch’s origins are more-or-less the same with an added emphasis on his insanity. What’s most interesting about his second bio is that it actually gives Twitch a goal to work towards: in essence, he wants to make more of himself. Now THIS presents a lot of possibilities: a mutated, hyper-intelligent rat seeking to reproduce the accident that led to his own existence.

So, across all of Twitch’s bios, there’s been a single consistent theme: his origins as a mutated rat. Now, by this point you all probably know my stance about the Vastaya, and how infuriating I find it that Riot only ever half-committed to using it as a concept to bring League’s animal people together under a single umbrella. Even still, in Twitch’s particular case, I’m willing to accept and embrace his origins as a mutated rat, rather than a Vastayan. So, how can we flesh out this concept in League’s modern lore state? I’m thinking a little something like this…

The sumps of Zaun are often regarded as a nightmarish place: a den of toxic fog and chemical run-off funneled down from the cities above. Few beings are capable of thriving in such a hostile environment, but among them, it is said Twitch reigns supreme.

Twitch began life as an ordinary rat living in the sewers of Zaun. He scavenged for food, hid from predators, and mingled with others of his kind when the mood struck him. It wasn’t always easy, but the life of a rat was simple… Until he found himself abducted by humans.

Lured into a cage by the sweet smell of food, the once-simple rat found himself taken to a strange place filled with people in unusual uniforms. There, he was subjected to all manner of experiments and injected with chemicals alongside other rats. While most of the other test subjects simply perished, Twitch simply writhed and shuddered about while the chemicals took hold in his body, earning him his new nickname.

Though the experience was agonizing at first, Twitch found himself changing in ways he could not comprehend. Over time, his body grew larger and his mind sharper. Twitch was subjected to a series of increasingly complex puzzles alongside the other surviving test subjects, yet he alone proved capable of solving them. Mazes, traps, and several other obstacles were raised before Twitch, yet he overcame them all. The humans seemed delighted, but Twitch’s resentment for them only grewas the tests became more and more deadly. He longed to escape his confinement, and so began concocting a plan.

Just as they studied him, Twitch began to study the humans from the confinement of his cage. He started learning the meaning of words and the general workings of their contraptions. Finally, the day came when, during one particular trial through an obstacle course, Twitch surprised his captors by exploiting one of the traps to break a hole into the walls of the maze. The humans panicked as Twitch escaped, but by this point he had a general understanding the laboratory and where its exits were.

Using a floor grate in what humans called the ‘rest room,’ Twitch escaped their lab and found himself returned to the sewers. At last, he was free, but Twitch’s troubles did not end there. The chemicals injected into him continued to warp the rat’s mind and body, causing him to grow even larger over time and develop even more complex thoughts.

Soon, Twitch found himself alienated from his own kind, no longer able to fit through the narrow passages and cracks he was accustomed to. Instead, Twitch roamed the sewers alone, desperately seeking to understand what was happening to him while continuing to indulge in his rodent instincts. Twitch eventually came to develop an intricate understanding of Zaun’s sewer system, using the garbage and waste from the world above to create his own personal den of refuse. For a time, Twitch became content with his new life style…

But then the humans came again.

Not wanting to lose their most valuable test subject, the people from the lab had sent troops armed with chemtech crossbows to hunt down and subdue Twitch, intent on bringing him back for further study. They’d anticipated the task to be a simple matter, but Twitch had only grown smarter and more dangerous over time. The soldiers came to hunt the rat, but found themselves hunted instead as they fell victim to Twitch’s makeshift traps and poisons. Now, the humans were trapped in Twitch’s maze, and he delighted in watching them succumb to obstacles not unlike what he and the other rats had endured in their laboratory.

One by one, the soldiers fell until not a single survivor remained. Twitch was delighted to see that his own experiment had been a success, but he knew that this would not be the end. The humans had come for him twice before, and it was likely they would come again. Taking up one of the chemtech crossbows from the fallen soldiers, Twitch began to train himself in its use.

Just as Twitch suspected, more humans soon came, but they too found themselves no match for Twitch’s ingenuity, nor his newly-acquired crossbow. As before, Twitch took what he could from the fallen soldiers, making a habit of claiming trophies each time he felled the intruders. From one he looted a tattered jacket, and from another he took a metal shoulder plate. For a time, this cycle continued, but each new batch of soldiers became more and more relentless in their approach.

Eventually, the humans gave up on recapturing Twitch. They had decided that if they couldn’t reclaim their test subject, they would eliminate him instead. The soldier came bearing explosives and weapons of fire, setting the sewers ablaze. Twitch watched in dismay as his den burned, yet narrowly managed to escape using the smoke as cover. Believing their task successful, the humans finally left, but Twitch was not content to let their actions go unpunished. He desired revenge… But Twitch knew he wouldn’t be able to claim it alone.

Thus, Twitch began to embrace the twisted sciences that transformed him. Through sheer trial and error, he aims to recreate the serum that transformed him and raise an army of mutant rats to one day overthrow the surface world. Though his attempts have thus-far been largely unsuccessful, the self-proclaimed Sewer King is determined to see his goals to fruition, rebuilding his realm of refuse all-the-while.

So, that’s my take on Twitch. The biggest change you’ll notice is that, rather than having his mutation be a complete accident, it was engineered in a lab by a group of scientists. I was honestly never a fan of the whole “random chemicals just happen to mutate wildlife” trope, because honestly if a rat started drinking water polluted with all kinds of random drugs, they would probably just get sick or die.

That aside, there’s another issue with Twitch’s lore that always kind of bugged me even before the rework: his intelligence. Twitch is insane, but he’s also smart. We see in his short story that he’s clever enough to ambush and outsmart humans, and even learn to use human weaponry like his crossbow to astounding proficiency. He can speak fluently and even concoct his own poisons that he uses in the game! I’m fine with the mutation given him a higher capacity for thought, but there’s no way a rat living in the sewers all his life would suddenly become perfectly fluent in human language or have immediate knowledge of alchemy.

That knowledge had to have come from somewhere, and I think having him pick it up in a lab while being experimented on is just one of many ways you can explain it. I’d like to think that the lab rat backstory also serves to better justify his hatred of humanity and why he wants to take over the surface world, even if the goal is still fairly unrealistic. Twitch is, after-all, a comedic character at heart and while I make an effort to play up his intelligence a fair bit in this bio, I still try to convey that he’s ultimately just a rat who wants nothing more than to live in filth and scavenge in garbage.

But, what do you all think? Is this portrayal of Twitch to your liking? As always, let me know your thoughts down below, and I’ll see you all next time.

[warriorof-sun-light]

( I know it's Roe-vember, and imma get to that 'cause I really wanna gush about Eyri's family too, and I haven't really talked about Eyri period because I don't know how to be a functional blog

but I've had the BIGGEST want to talk about Eyri's Amaroutine self, so BUCKLE UP FOLKS THAT CARE ENOUGH TO READ MORE we're on a wild ride into chilo's subconscious

Euphrosyne is the name of the Greek goddess of joy, mirth, and good cheer. She's also one of the three Charities, sister-goddesses to fill the world with pleasant moments and good will. Likewise, my little Amaroutine is a bundle of cheer and, if I'm being honest, an Ancient copy of Eyri. The OG Eyrilona. The progenitor sunshine.

Except now I excuse her childishness 'cause she's much younger than her fragmented counterpart.

While initially just looking for old Latin/Greek names that I liked (I'm picky, and I kept digging for something or someone with ties to the sea. For extra pickiness, I begged and pleaded there'd be one that started with an E, but I was amendable to ones that weren't. It was a busy day on Wikipedia), I found Euphrosyne to be a good match. I liked the name (my housemate suggested I shorten it to Euphie, because I'm Code Geass trash and he likes to hurt me), and Eyri's already a bundle of sunshine, it'll be funny to reference the goddess of literal joy, right?

Then, I started writing this post, and the rabbit hole went deeper once I did more than just skim the Wikipedia article.

Euphrosyne the goddess is the daughter of Zeus. Euphie of Amaurot is the daughter of @twotonedechoes​' Hades. I'm already a big subscriber to Laha, Eli, and Emet being named after the Greek pantheon big three

Her mother is the Oceanid (or ocean nymph) Eurynome (a close second in the decision race tbh). Eyrilona's mother is a Sea Wolf to her grave, a woman of the sea and a Captain in the Lominsan Navy.

Eyri also has three siblings, and while only one sister, her eldest is a forgemaster at Naldiq & Vymelli's. Euphrosyne's half-brother is Hephaestus, the god of metallurgy, blacksmiths/armorers/craftsmen, etc.

Coincidence?! I think not!! (Except it totally is though, and i'm absolutely tickled at the irony.)

Anyway ONTO THE GIRL HERSELF!!

Euphrosyne, nicknamed Euphie, was a child of Amaurot, and daughter of Hades. She was a budding scholar, a rallying force amidst her peers, an excitable and curious sort, always with a smile and kind word to offer those she encountered. Forever striving for a seat among the Convocation of Fourteen, she gave every project, every debate, every moment of her studies both material and magical her greatest efforts, and though perhaps not the most shining of examples, she truly went above and beyond to embrace the community of Amarout.

The Akademia was like a second home to her. An interest piqued could mean moons of study, or perhaps only a few hours, but it mattered not to Euphie if it meant she acquired new knowledge to tuck away for later.

Equal parts undeterred pest and dutiful student, she charmed and exasperated those around her. If allowed a moment, Euphie could prattle endlessly on the subjects of her current studies, could weave herself an endless web of questions and answers and theories and debate, and she could just as easily fall into utter and respectable silence, giving her peers and teachers and betters naught but her complete attention when it came their turn to speak.

She attended lectures and  debates and exhibits whenever possible, even when those around her insisted the subject at hand was far too advanced for her to comprehend. This often proved to be true, of course; she was still practically a child. However, daunting concepts were but challenges to be faced and overcome, and Euphie always gave it her all in trying to do so.

But she was not selfish in her learning. If she found a peer struggling with their own work, she would offer to assist them in whatever capacity they might require. Whether they simply needed a rallying word or a second mind to pick for ideas, she was always to throw herself into the work just as easily as she would one of her own projects.

It was never to gloat, never to primp and preen over what she had learned. While, yes, she may glow beneath any praise given to her, Euphie loved to see those around her succeed and learn and progress.

This readiness to help and her insatiable thirst for knowledge was obviously not without its consequences. Euphie was notorious for overexerting herself: collapsing while trying to weave magic beyond her limits, staying awake for days burrowed in her notes and the work of others, only to doze off in the middle of it all, or in the middle of a lesson, nearly without warning each time.

And, of course, with mind fit to burst with information, it came to no surprise that creation magicks often went awry from her thoughts wandering to another subject. ( “It’s a lovely day in Amaurot, and you’ve created a horrible goose...” )

Among her teachers and peers, Lahabrea himself found in her the most captive of audiences. To a fault, in some cases. It was often teased that, when not at the heels of her father, she could be found in the shadows of Lahabrea. And there was a measure of truth to it: she had a poor habit of trailing at his heel, often toting around a tome or two, or some other object of interest she’d agreed to carry for him.

She held his opinion on matters in high regard, even if obtaining that opinion meant stretching his patience thin. And yet, it was a rare occurrence for him to lose that patience, or to turn her away. She understood his responsibilities were vastly more important than entertaining her curiosities, and tried to make certain she never overstepped.

It was whispered that she might even one day succeed him, ascend to the title of Lahabrea alongside the Convocation… and perhaps she might have, had the star’s calamitous end not unfolded as it had...

[pr-ay-the-gay-away]

Astroturfers in MY inbox?

It’s more likely than you think!

As a regular fan, stop and think about what you’re submitting to someone’s asks inbox. Because if you are a genuine anon submitting an ask, you need to do some reflecting on what you’re trying to achieve with that ask. And if you’re just an astroturfer, well LOLS, good game, douches.

I’ve been re-reading @decoding1432 ‘s posts on the Art of Manipulating and Guarding a Fandom which is in several posts and talks about astroturfers and the forms they come in and their strategies. It’s made me re-assess the asks I see on other CS blogs, but also the asks that I receive (which aren’t many).

So I figured with that lens on, I’d describe some types of asks that I generally tend to not respond to

“Do you think <insert person associated with the girls> might actually believe that <whichever PR ship they’re referring to> is real?”

If you read my blog, then you would know that I encourage everyone to practice critical thinking. So you should practice that and come to your own conclusion.

If you don’t read my blog, hi there! You should try reading my blog. You may or may not like it, and that’s completely fine.

“Oh no, <insert some PR relationship stunt here>”

I honestly don’t know what to do with this. Your best bet here is that if you want something PR stunt-related to get answered, the humor has to outweigh the cost of us even acknowledging or bringing attention to the stunt, ya feel me? Or, maybe have your own blog where you can post whatever thoughts pop into your mind. That’s what I do!*

*Background context: I originally started this blog to make crack posts because I was inspired by @toucanhussey​ ‘s talent for turning shit PR into hilarious shit-posts. Now I’ve started answering asks and I dump random thoughts and go on rants. I realised that the random thoughts don’t really belong in other people’s asks inbox.

“What do you think about <insert PR relationship stunt here>? If it was real wouldn’t <insert something reasonable here>?”

Similar to the previous two. It’s a stunt regarding one of their PR relationships which I have consistently, vocally, and endlessly shat on. Lols. My position on it should be pretty obvious. But regardless of what I think, you should practice critical thinking and draw your own conclusions. It’s an interesting exercise if simply because it will also provide insight into what you do or don’t know, and what your world view/perspective is made up of, etc. Introspection is beautiful :)

The only thing I can tell you here is that if you are sharing reasonable thoughts that seem pretty obvious to me, like too obvious, then I’m probably not going to respond.

If you share what I consider to be an unreasonable thought, I might respond to unpack it and challenge it. But if it’s too basic in its unreasonableness, I will also ignore it. Fine balancing act.

“I agree with <insert some assessment of a PR relationship being fake> but in this instance I think <insert some contradictory opinion about PR relationship being real in some way>”

My entire blog leans heavily towards disproving their PR relationships. So by default I will disagree and will not be swayed. Maybe you want to dig into the specifics of your opinion: in which case you should submit a deep-dive into it and then maybe it will compel me to unpack it.

Or maybe it’s just an astroturfer just looking to have their ask answered so it appears online so that the seeds of doubt will be sown with the casual readers who don’t critically analyze what they find ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Above are just some types of asks I am not likely to respond to. There are more that go unanswered sometimes, such as:

you’ve asked me something pretty deep and I’m struggling to compose an answer, so it’s sitting there in my asks inbox, torturing me

you’ve shared a theory about indirects that is built on what I consider to be very tenuous examples and I just don’t feel the same, haha sorry!

you’ve shared a really great observation about the PR sloppiness and I don’t want to reveal it to the internet because it’s just more feedback for management to work with

you’ve shared something but it has details that I don’t want to acknowledge (because it brings attention to things or people that I don’t feel deserve to receive attention) in which case I’m likely to address you in a separate post rather than posting an answer to the ask

you’ve shared something that I feel might be a bit sensitive or negative and I don’t want to proliferate the bad ju-ju, in which case I’m likely to address you in a separate post rather than posting an answer to the ask

Anyways, sorry to the genuine fans who are posting anon asks that fall within one of the categories I delved into above. Hopefully I’ve provided some constructive tips on what to put in your asks to increase the chances of them being answered. To be honest I don’t really receive that many asks anyway, so maybe from here on I’ll stop receiving any lols

[mr-entj]

Extraverted Thinking (Te) vs Introverted Thinking (Ti)

Combined with the following asks:

Can you write about Te from an ENTJ’s perspective? I find most online descriptions of Te are poorly written by non Te users and insufficient/patronizing. I would love to hear the Te-dom point of view. Thank you, Mr. ENTJ

Can you compare Te and Ti? I looked but didn’t see anywhere on the blog yet. Thank yyou for your time :)

Difference between Te and Ti?

How is Te any different from Ti? As a Ti-user I feel that I use Te as well in the way use my logic to make decisions

Related answers:

ENTJ: Auxiliary Introverted Intuition (Ni)

It’s objective vs subjective logic. For comparison:

Te (ENTJ, ESTJ, INTJ, ISTJ) emphasizes truth. Truth is defined as that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

Ti (INTP, ISTP, ENTP, ESTP) emphasizes logic. Logic is defined as reasoning conducted or assessed according to strict principles of validity.

The reason why we call Te objective and Ti subjective is because Te is untouched by the individual-- we use information provided to us as-is via the real world in forms like: facts, data sets, observations, research studies, news, rankings, academic journals, polls, subject matter experts, etc. Te logic is drawn from external sources to understand (”organize”) the outside world. “Organized” doesn’t mean that Te users are neat and tidy people-- it means our minds sort information by relevance and impact. We first make sense of what is (current state), and from there, use that information to transform the world into what it can be (future state).

Te vs Ti

The main reason why these two cognitive functions (and their associated MBTI types) always clash is pretty simple: what exists in the real world (Te) is not always logical (Ti) and what’s logical in pure reasoning (Ti) does not always work in the real world (Te).

Let’s say you were to ask this question: “How does one become a management consultant at the best consulting firm in the world, McKinsey and Co.?”

Ti method (logical but false): “To successfully be accepted into the best consulting firm in the world, McKinsey and Co., I should first and foremost major in a relevant subject like business or economics, have exceptional grades in my classes, and develop strong skills in public speaking, problem solving, presentation, and preparation because that’s what management consultants need to succeed. If I do well in those areas, I should be a competitive candidate.”

Te method (illogical but true): “To successfully be accepted into the best consulting firm in the world, McKinsey and Co., I should first and foremost research which target schools they recruit from. The major I select and classes that I take have less relevance than the university I attend because without being in the right place, McKinsey won’t even consider me as a candidate. Next, I should excel in academics and network with alums and McKinsey professionals. If I do well in those areas, I should be a competitive candidate.”

The Ti method states a logical but false statement. It’s logical because to be a good management consultant, you certainly need to have all those skills (problem solving, quantitative analysis, presentation skills, etc.). The reason why it’s false is because it omits empirical evidence. The most important determinant in getting into McKinsey is actually the business school you graduate from-- McKinsey doesn’t recruit outside of the top 10-15 MBA programs in the country, it’s extremely rare for them to do so. The Ti user is more likely not to know this.

The Te method states an illogical but true��statement. It’s illogical because the university you attend shouldn’t have an impact on your job prospects: there are dumb kids at elite colleges and smart kids at lower ranked colleges. Even so, this is still a true statement because, again, McKinsey doesn’t recruit from universities outside the Top 10-15 MBA programs. Data suggests that school rankings have an impact on getting into McKinsey and other elite consulting firms (data references: McKinsey’s career website, LinkedIn, networking events, Poets and Quants, etc.). The Te user is more likely to know this.

Related: Mr. ENTJ, do things like rankings, reputation, and prestige for which school you attend matter when it comes to your career?

How do you change a Te user’s mind?

If you want the Te user to change their opinion, you must provide empirical evidence that overturns their logic.

If you tell a Te user you’re applying to Stanford University with a 2.0 GPA (C- average, 65-70%) and a 1000 SAT score (35 percentile) but the facts state Stanford’s average admitted GPA is over 4.0 (A+ average, 100%) and average SAT score is 1460+ (96 percentile) (reference: Stanford Admission Data) then Te will say you’re not a competitive candidate. It doesn’t matter if you’re a great student who’s actually really smart “but I’m just lazy/ I don’t do well on tests/my grades are bad.” It doesn’t matter if Stanford is the perfect fit for you and your tech entrepreneurship goals. It doesn’t matter if you think grading scales and test scores are illogical, insufficient, and inaccurate measures of intelligence. You can debate until your face is red, stomp your feet, cry, kick, and scream, but from a data perspective provided by Stanford University itself-- the facts strongly suggest you aren’t getting accepted.

That’s not Te being mean or inflexible-- that’s simply the facts -- and we can’t do anything about the facts because they are what they are. They are objective. What is flexible to the Te user is how to solve the problem. Nothing will change the fact that you’re a poor candidate for Stanford but if the goal is to get accepted, the Te solution is to raise your grades and test scores to match the benchmark set by Stanford’s admission data. The solution is not to debate endlessly the merits of grades and test scores or Stanford’s admission criteria. 

I’d love for you to get into the university of your dreams, Stanford is a phenomenal school, but if the data clashes violently with the decision then I can’t side with you. If the data doesn’t support the decision, the Te user won’t budge.

How can Te and Ti work better together?

Te gets frustrated with Ti’s focus on irrelevant details, inability to interpret generalizations, and frivolous nitpicking. Working with Ti can be irritating for a Te user because Ti can get “stuck” on something that doesn’t personally make sense to them, but that makes sense to everyone else, that works anyway, and that achieves the end result. Where the Te user wants to move on, the Ti user wants to stay and dig and dig and dig some more, and this can tie up valuable resources like time, energy, and money. 

Professionally, set conditions for success from a third party and work towards meeting them together. For example, if it’s a business environment then let the customer tell you what success is. If it’s an academic environment, let the professor define success. If it’s a hospital, let patient quality and value of care guide you. Treat these conditions for success as a “north star.” From there, Te and Ti can combine their strengths to create solutions that are both logically sound (Ti) and effective (Te) to achieve the best results guided by the third party. 

The Te Advantage

The main advantage of having Te is straightforward: Te users have an easier time navigating and succeeding in the real world simply because we listen to it and we make sense of what it’s telling us. We study the world, organize and analyze the information, and make data-driven decisions using our auxiliary function (Ni for ENTJs, Si for ESTJs) based on that analysis.

If you want to get accepted into Harvard University– you don’t tell Harvard what kind of student they want– you collect data on what statistics (GPA, major, test scores) they accept and adapt those traits to your application.

If you want to run a successful company, you don’t tell your customers what they should buy– you collect data on their preferences and create a product to meet their needs.

If you want the world to accept your logic, you don’t unilaterally rationalize it in your mind and then tell the world what they need– you ask them what they want and respond accordingly.

This is why ENTJs and ESTJs are often described as pragmatic and associated with high achievement, our traits are adapted for the environment we live in– reality.

[legenwaitforitdarythoughts]

Is social media good for politics?

The topic of social media and politics is not something I had given much thought to before now. Yes, it’s hard to ignore how with one tweet, Donald Trump can cost a company billions or worry that one of his Twitter rants might be the start of a world war, but beyond that, I figure it’s the digital age, and anyone not embracing social media quickly becomes irrelevant. However, upon digging deeper into this topic, I realised how much an impact social media has had on modern politics.

Pinpointing ten ways in which social media has affected politics Murse (2018) highlighted how, thanks to social media, politicians can seamlessly deliver their message to a broader audience in real-time and at low-cost. Additionally, Loader & Mercea (2011), attribute social media for creating a participatory political culture where people no longer need to be ‘passive consumers’ but instead are ‘enabled to challenge discourses, share alternative perspectives and publish their own opinions.’ But is participatory politics improving democracy?

Muller (2018) and Trounson (2016) both agree that social media both strengthens democracy by allowing the public to hold those in prominent positions to account for their actions, whilst also weakening democracy through the increased dissemination of false information, xenophobia and propaganda.

As television series House of Cards character, Frank Underwood aptly says, “We are nothing more or less than what we choose to reveal.” Yes, the problem with social media lies in the ability for politicians and lobby groups to control the narrative and exploit 'confirmation bias' through what Eli Pariser coined the ‘filter bubble’ algorithms built into social media platforms used to tailor messages based on an individual's likes, interests, location, etc. (Hull 2017). Further, Dr Aaron Martin (cited in Trounson 2016), argues that where traditional media exposed people to a range of topics, social media is instead creating an ‘echo chamber’ where ‘individual prejudices are endlessly reinforced’ without any differing points of view.

In my own experience, I have seen how politicians try to control the narrative. Only last year, a local politician posted the headline of an article on their Facebook page with the goal of sledging their opposition to win over voters. When my husband shared his opinion by pointing out the inaccuracy of the information along with how wrong it was to use false news to push their agenda, his comment was subsequently deleted, and he was blocked from the page.

Because of false information sharing, according to recent polls, people are losing trust in social media as a source of news and information and turning back to traditional media (Muller 2018). Jericho (2013) states that the centrifugal nature of social media will only be overcome when politicians and lobby groups ‘forego the need to completely control the debate and instead avail themselves of its open culture’.

To sum up, I feel that social media has strong potential to be a tool for political information sharing, open debate and discussion, however, it is up to our politicians to use it in the right way and not just for furthering their own interests. Will this ever happen? Given the nature of politics, I say no.

References

Hull, G 2017, ‘Why social media may not be so good for democracy’, The Conversation, 6 November, viewed 21 December 2018, <https://theconversation.com/why-social-media-may-not-be-so-good-for-democracy-86285>.

Jericho, G 2013, 'How many votes are there on Twitter?', in The Rise of the Fifth Estate, Scribe, Victoria, Australia, ProQuest Ebook Central, <http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/swin/detail.action?docID=1020873>.

Knoll, T 2016, ‘20 House Of Cards Quotes That Get Me Through Life...and I hope motivate you likewise’, Odyssey, 3 October, viewed 21 December 2018, <https://www.theodysseyonline.com/20-house-of-cards-that-get-me-through-life>.

Loader, B.D & Mercea, D 2011, ‘NETWORKING DEMOCRACY? Social media innovations and participatory politics INTRODUCTION’, Information Communication & Society, Vol.14, no. 6, pp. 757-769.

Muller, D 2018, ‘Why social media is in the doghouse for both politicians and the public’, ABC News, 15 February, viewed 21 December 2018, <https://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-02-14/social-media-is-in-the-doghouse-for-politicians-and-public/9446894>.

Murse, T 2018, ‘How Social Media Has Changed Politics 10 Ways Twitter and Facebook Have Altered Campaigns’, ThoughtCo., 1 June, viewed 21 December 2018, <https://www.thoughtco.com/how-social-media-has-changed-politics-3367534>.

Trounson, A 2016, ‘Social media politics: for and against’, Election Watch - Australia 2016, viewed 21 December 2018, <https://electionwatch.unimelb.edu.au/australia-2016/articles/social-media-politics-for-and-against>.

Images

‘16 Badass House Of Cards Quotes’ [image] in Google Images, viewed 21 December 2018, <https://goo.gl/images/zfdCD3>.

‘Political cartoon meme’ [image] in Hill, G 2016, ‘The Trouble With Mass Debating On Social Media’, Gareth J Hill, 24 June, viewed 21 December 2018, <http://www.garethjhill.com/the-trouble-with-mass-debating-on-social-media/>.

[drinkupthesunrise]

Star Wars Rare Pairs Exchange Letter 2018

Hey! While I’m pretty sure I will love WHATEVER you make me, if you are in need / want of some advice, the following may be of interest to you:

In general, I like: pining, unrequited love that turns out not to be unrequited, people being friends & in love with each other generally, found family, ridiculous references, fic that explores what characters mean to each other in a greater context, alt!timeline shit (ie, what would happen if a character had made x choice instead of y), complicated relationships, baby/kid!fic, hurt/comfort.

Things I do not want: character bashing, unnecessary character death (ymmv here it’s Star Wars, characters die, I accept that, but please don’t kill anyone off in the pairings, canonical deaths are fine), gratuitous / explicit violence, mundane!AUs (coffee!shop, high school/college, etc), dubcon/noncon in any form, cheating, first person POV.

General links that might be useful to you: my ao3 works, my fic writing tag, my ficlet tag, and my general star wars tag. 

General note: I like characters, and relationships, best when they’re situated in a world that feels real, and that means having other characters around them, and the relationships between them. While the pairings below should definitely be the focus of any fic, please feel free to slip in other things that you think I might like. I think what’s below should give you an idea of that, hopefully :D. For instance, I adore Wedge’s relationship / friendship with the rest of the Fab Four / his pilots in general, and I find the Han / Luke / Leia dynamic endlessly fascinating (both platonically and romantically on all sides), I’m always up for guest appearances from anyone from any point in canon.

Wedge Antilles/Luke Skywalker

Would happily take anything, but specific loves include stuff with them founding Rogue Squadron and that early part of their relationship, where they’re a little unsure and unfamiliar but still utterly trusting of each other? Or in the aftermath of Endor where Luke’s off founding the Jedi Order and Wedge is off fighting the Imperial Remnant and they’re trying to work out if they could have a relationship in all of that? I really love these two, the relationship between them really is one of my all-time faves.

I am also desperate for pre-and-post-TLJ era fic for them. What does Wedge make of Luke’s choices and decisions? Did Wedge go with him to Ahch-To? If Wedge is present, how does that affect the choices Luke makes?

I would also sell my soul for Jedi Academy-era fic in which Wedge is a teacher at Luke’s Jedi Academy, either with them in an established relationship and founding the school, or where Wedge gets involved somehow and slowly realises, oh, actually, Luke is very attractive and there is a lot of pining, and Luke is off having the same realisations about Wedge.

Wedge Antilles/Mara Jade/Luke Skywalker

In which Wedge Antilles and Mara Jade have precisely one thing in common: they both think that Luke Skywalker is endearing and also kinda useless, and would do anything for him. Which includes teaming up to save Luke when he gets into yet more trouble (insert situation of choice here) despite the fact that Mara is really not very convinced by this short fly-boy with floppy hair who cannot act, and Wedge is not really over the fact that Mara wanted to kill Luke. Bonus points for them discovering that they have far more in common than they think, and for Talon Karrde & Booster Terrik background shenanigans.

(I’d be okay with platonic!wedge&mara, if you can’t get that bit to work, but I would like Wedge and Mara to both be in love with Luke - or on their way there - and for Luke to love them both back.)

Wedge Antilles/Leia Organa

I think Wedge and Leia are very alike, in some ways - both soldiers with a sense of duty that goes far beyond themselves, who’d sacrifice their personal lives for their ideals every time. So anything that builds on that, really; either early Alliance / Rebellion (pre / post Yavin), with Leia still trying to sort out her feelings for Han / Luke and working them out with the person who is the mid-ground between the two (fight me on this Wedge is Han’s smuggling no-good self crossed with Luke’s idealism and good!man nature), or possibly after the Jedi Temple Massacre, or post TLJ, where they are the last two left standing and seek solace in each other?

Also! If you have read the 2013 Marvel Star Wars comic (the Wood/D’Anda one), you should know I was so very very very weak for Leia as Squadron Commander and Wedge as her second, and I cannot believe that was an actual thing that happened in Legends okay??

Wedge Antilles/Han Solo

Okay I can hear you probably going ‘huh what’ and I submit to you these quotes from the X-Wing books, and actually the entirety of Solo Command as a book. Essentially, Corellians giving each other shit. But no seriously in Solo Command there’s a real easiness and willingness to tease and I’d be really interested as to how they got there, and if it ever was anything more.

Also, in new canon – I’ve always figured that Wedge and Han might have a bit of antagonistic start to their relationship, Wedge is much more of a believer and very willing to die for the cause – how does he react when he finds out what Han did in Solo? Aiding Enfys Nest? Does that change his feelings?

Wedge Antilles/Leia Organa/Han Solo

Okay so Wedge spends an astonishing amount of time in the X-Wing books putting Han and Leia’s relationship back together (only for The Courtship of Princess Leia to happen, poor guy.) Like. He’s really invested in it. And also half in love with both of them it seems.

But, what I really want … is new canon, in which during the Aftermath trilogy Wedge ends up staying with Leia, and sort of never leaves, and even when Han comes back he’s still there, and then he helps out when Ben is born, because Wedge is very good with babies and this is a very important fact, and slowly Han and Leia realise, oh, wait, we never want him to leave.

I would also be very happy with drunken hook-ups, or Han and Leia accidentally propositioning Wedge.

Wedge Antilles/Biggs Darklighter

They must have known each other on Yavin, so it’s not inconceivable that they might have met and, y’know, got it on. So quick and dirty introductions, or possibly even something set later, after the Death Star battle, where Biggs!lives and the two pilots who didn’t get that shot off try and find solace in each other.

Wedge Antilles/Bodhi Rook

So – well, Wedge was at the Imperial Academy for a time, as was Bodhi, and although it’s unlikely they were in classes together, I think that their paths could have crossed; what’s it like when they see each other on Yavin all those years later? If Bodhi is the only survivor of the Rogue One team, and Wedge is the only survivor of the original pilots (Luke is too new, really) do they find solace in each other? Do they only really catch up after the war with each other, and suddenly realise that no one else is quite going to understand their grief? (I am heavily into Wedge Antilles has a case of survivor’s guilt the size of a Star Destroyer this ship only compounds my feelings).

Wedge Antilles/Lando Calrissian

They took down a Death Star together, that’s a start. I think the other thing about these two is they’re both very set on keeping their people safe – Wedge with his pilots, Lando with the people of Cloud City, and they have principles and lines they won’t cross but they’ll go through hell and back to try and save as many as they can. So maybe something about that?

Wedge Antilles/Col "Fake Wedge" Takbright

I can’t believe Jason Fry made ‘fake wedge’ an actual thing, but IT HAPPENED, and so we should all take advantage of this glorious fact by making them kiss or something, I dunno, fill in the blanks.

On a semi-serious note, I actually really like the care between them at the end of that story, how Col takes one look at about-to-succumb-to-the-worst-survivor’s-guilt-wedge and just, doesn’t stand for it. And so I would LOVE fic about all the times that Col keeps digging Wedge out of despair. Maybe about how Col turns into Wedge’s most erstwhile defender, and Wedge keeps asking why Col keeps putting himself on the line for him, and realisations about how maybe what’s between them has developed into something more.

Wedge Antilles/Mon Mothma

This was mostly crack, until I incepted myself with last year’s rare pairs letter, and now I have very serious feelings about it and I want them to be in love. And have really good sex.

I think they are both serious impassioned people who want to do what is right, only Wedge is brash and daring and Mon is tempered by experience / diplomacy. So maybe something where Wedge does something reckless and Mon has to take him to task for it? Or Wedge trying to lure Mon out of her seriousness, but also he is a very serious person himself but seriously, Chancellor, you have been at your desk for twenty hours please come to the mess. Love letters – they write letters after the war and slowly fall in love?

Fucked-up power dynamics are also very much a feature: Mon is ultimately Wedge’s commander in chief, his life is in her hands, etc. I like the power play, I like it a lot.

Wedge Antilles/Amilyn Holdo

There’s something about the way Amilyn reacts to flyboys doing stupid things, like she has seen it all before. Maybe she has? I feel these two would have really good banter and a very sparky relationship, lots of challenging each other. But also mutual respect, possibly found later – they are both very good at their jobs.

I’d love fic set post-Rebellion era, where they’re both trying to find their footing in the new Galaxy, or maybe fic set around TLJ – what if Wedge is with the Resistance? Does he conflict with Amilyn over her command decisions? (I think Amilyn should still have charge of the Resistance, don’t make Wedge outrank her.) Can he mediate the conflict between her and Poe? What if Wedge is with the Republic and brings a fleet to save the day?

Wes Janson/Derek “Hobbie” Klivian

So Wes and Hobbie are like the ultimate wingpair / brothers-in-arms, they are two peas in a pod, and I love them. I like slow realisation of feelings, the dragging out of the relationship over the years, perhaps one of them pining away whilst the other one wakes up one day and is like ‘oh, it’s you, you’ve been here all along and I never noticed.’ But also! Comic shenanigans, prank wars between them, practical jokes, truth or dare - I’m easy to please, honestly.

Jagged Fel/Jaina Solo/Zekk

Okay, for those who didn’t go and read all of Legends… Jagged Fel is Wedge Antilles’ nephew, Jaina Solo was Han and Leia’s daughter, and Zekk was one of Luke’s students. There was a bit of a love triangle going on. However, in many points, it was less of a love triangle, and more… well. They should have all banged.

Key moments include that time Jaina and Zekk were in a hive mind, and got slightly confused over whose memories were whose, leading to this conversation:

Our boyfriend means business, Zekk observed.

Don’t know that it’s him. And it’s old boyfriend.

Right. We’re so over him.

We?

And also the bit in Legacy of the Force: Invincible, where after Jag and Zekk help pull Jaina out of a sticky situation, she, in a state of confusion due to her banged up head, asks them to both to bunk with her.

So, basically, I want poly shenanigans – fic after the proposed quarters sharing would be great (what if Jag and Zekk took her seriously and had already moved everything about by the time she came round???), messy relationship rebuilding after the Dark Nest fiasco, something where Zekk steps in as Jaina and Jag’s relationship starts to fall apart post NJO? I dunno. But I want them all to kiss.

Plourr Ilo/Evaan Verlaine

They are both kickass lady pilots, and they are both very gay, sooooooooo… it is a crime that they do not exist in the same canon. I want shenanigans. I want an encounter where one or both is undercover and they don’t realise the other is a rebellion / new republic pilot until after everything. I want them on different squadrons trying to one up each other.

[kaette-kita-slayers]

Kanzaka Q&As (July-December 2016)

July 2016

Q: After Rezo killed Zel's parents, did he dig a grave and bury them? Does Zel know where their graves are?

K: I think he dug a grave and buried them with great care, though I'll leave it to your imagination whether he did so for appearances or out of genuine feeling. He's never told Zel where it is.

Q: You said in an answer before that "no powerful Mazoku have been created in recent years", but why is that? I thought it might be because they aren't able to increase the numbers of powerful Mazoku any further, since they have to cut away part of their own power in order to create new Mazoku. (Kanzaka already answered this one the previous year. Maybe he forgot?)

K: Of course, the Mazoku accumulate power bit by bit from the negative emotions of humans, but ever since the Demon War, they've been expending more than they've taken in, so they haven't had the reserves necessary to create powerful Mazoku.

Q: In volume 9, from the second half of Slayers, Gourry said he more or less remembered Zel and Amelia, though he pretended to have forgotten them as a joke. So by the time that volume 15 takes place, did he still remember them properly? He remembered Xelloss, and in volume 9, he said himself that he remembers his friends, so I think it's probably all right. It's still bothered me for years.

K: I hope he remembers them.

August 2016

Q: I have a question about Slayers. Two different generations of the kings of Dilse were cursed with Raugnut Rushavna. Is there any possibility that the curse was lifted on one (or both?) of them by the time the second half of the series wrapped up? It seems like there might be, if Dynast wasn't the one who actually cursed King Wells. Also, has the Mazoku who cursed Dilus II appeared or been mentioned in the series?

K: Dynast was the one who cursed the prior king. Raugnut Rushavna is a curse that endlessly inflicts pain and quasi-immortality, and it requires that the person who used it be in good shape, as the source of magical power. Dynast wasn't destroyed but did lose his power. As a result, the curse would have been weakened in some fashion, but it wouldn't have been broken.

Q: Mazoku are fundamentally different from other beings, seeking "destruction". Considering how the Mazoku relate to one another as superiors and inferiors and the various restrictions they have on them---especially the high-ranking Mazoku---they come across as being somehow mechanical (this may be putting it a bit harshly, but like living instruments of destruction), even though they possess individuality. To what degree do they have emotions like humans and dragons do? I've found mentions in the novels of them feeling rage, joy, and attachment to things, but I think that they probably don't feel love, since they want destruction. Can they feel sorrow or admiration, or genuinely care for things? If you've outlined this for yourself, please tell me.

K: The Mazoku try to comprehend the emotions of humans, etc. in order to bring the world closer to destruction. As a result, they display things that appear like human emotions such as happiness, but I don't think that the Mazoku themselves know whether those are genuine or only surface-level imitations.

Q: In the Slayers world, if a mid- to high-ranking Mazoku who can take on human form were to infiltrate human society in order to gather information, which would they enjoy more, something like going drinking with a bunch of middle aged men like Tarim and Daymia and being forced to organize the whole thing, or getting information from girls who are their type (not necessarily romantically)? Do the subordinates of each of Shabranigdu's five retainers have different tendencies? Like the Mazoku under Phibrizzo's command being good at approaching women, or a lot of Gaav's Mazoku being types that are popular even though they don't understand women and lose their motivation if they have to keep talking to men at parties, or the Mazoku under Zelas and Xelloss' command being good at everything.

K: Mazoku are quite diverse in their preferences. There are Mazoku who do things like mingling with a bunch of middle-aged guys out drinking and egging them on when they complain about their own bosses and subordinates, thinking, "Such sweet negative emotions!" There are also types who would mingle with married women and encourage their negative feelings toward their in-laws.

September 2016

Q: Did the piece of Shabranigdu sealed in Rezo's eyes feed solely on the negative emotions from Rezo's own mind? Is it reasonable to assume that the thoughts and feelings of the people around Rezo, such as Zel's hatred for him, had no effect on Shabranigdu? It would be kind of a relief to hear that, compared to Rezo's intense negative emotions, the negative emotions from Zel, who was like night and day compared to Rezo, or Rezo's gang, who weren't really all that bad deep down, weren't that powerful and thus didn't have any effect.

K: The Demon Lord was sealed away at the time, so he wasn't consuming people's negative emotions. However, just by existing, he did in fact have a negative influence on Rezo's mind.

Q: About the Demon Lord of the North---even though the strength of the seal on him has never changed, the most he can manage to do, lately, is to give instructions by talking in his sleep. Does that mean that he's growing weaker? If that's true, then will he eventually be destroyed as time passes? Or will he be reincarnated in another human body? L would be lonely without S.

K: I think you have the wrong impression. In this case, "lately" is referring to a span of time from the Mazoku's perspective. "Lately" means the entire time from when he was sealed in ice until the present time.

Q: Did Rezo's gang ever keep a pet cat at their hideout? Or was it more like "I want a cat, but we'll just have to leave on another journey, so I can't..." since they were always moving from place to place?

K: They had one... ♪ ... to experiment on. (T-T)

October 2016

Q: Why did L base her form on that of the woman Lei Magnus loved?

K: I should explain this so that there won't be any misunderstandings---L has never manifested in that world aside from when she borrowed Lina's body. I meant that the version of L that I've scribbled on greeting cards and things like that looks that way. Though of course, S's lover wasn't a little girl.

Q: Was Rezo ever rejected by someone he liked?

K: To be rejected, you naturally have to approach someone first. I don't think that he would have fallen in love and approached some woman when he had an all-consuming obsession with his research and his eyes.

Q: In Slayers volume 1, page 72, line 10, when Lina and Zel are negotiating over the orihalcon statue, Lina says, "I try to make a practice of avoiding your type at all costs. Call it woman's intuition. (cut) And intuition or not, I'd rather die than be associated with the likes of you." After that point, Zel fights the Demon Lord alongside Lina and Gourry, and then makes it through various other battles along with them. Did Zel kinda think to himself that Lina's "women's intuition" is completely unreliable, despite the big deal she made about it? Or did Zel never believe in the concept of "women's intuition" in the first place? Did Zel not believe at all in something as unscientific as "women's intuition" while Rezo thought "Well, I've been around long enough that I can't say with absolute certainty that it doesn't work..."? (Leaving aside the question of whether Lina's intuition works or not.) (Dialogue from the Tokyopop translation)

K: That wasn't women's intuition in the first place. She was just trying to provoke him, which he was perfectly aware of.

November 2016

(No entry)

December 2016

Q: In Granblue, the Blast Sword was a water element weapon. Is this in any way connected to the original work? Or is it something presented by the Granblue staff that only applies to Granblue? I remember people discussing how the Sword of Light was a dark element weapon because it's a Mazoku...

K: About the elements, I basically left it to them to take care of integrating [the weapons] into the game, so that doesn't mean that the Blast Sword in the original is a water element weapon. By the way, my Granblue party's selection of water element weapons is completely awful. I'd welcome a water event!

Q: I understand that you initially imagined Noonsa as a normal fishman and not a taiyaki. (Of course, I also love Noonsa's current design!) Did you maybe imagine Noonsa at first as something like "a little slimy, but with a handsome face"? (Taiyaki, if you're not familiar.)

K: That's not even possible.

Q: Phibrizzo sent Gourry's Sword of Light back to the Demon Lord of another world. I know it's impossible, but if he could go to that other world, could he get the Sword of Light back? Or was it absorbed as soon as it returned, because it was a part of the Demon Lord, so it's no longer in the shape of a sword?

K: In its original world, the Sword of Light was created in the form of a weapon, just like Dulgofa, so if he could go to that world, he would be able to use it as a weapon, as usual.

[thereoncewereflwrs]

in where my body is an anthology, and literature knows more about people then we do

Today I feel ugly, my facial features angular and put together in a way that makes me feel like someone cut pieces of faces from a magazine and placed them together to create me. My clothes feel confining, probably because I haven’t worn regular clothes since lockdown and probably because I’m fat and most of my clothes fit this way anyway. Today I crave a discipline my body and mind cannot give, and this desire makes me melancholy and agitated. I keep thinking about this boy - or man, because he’s over 25 and at this stage even if we don’t feel like adults we are still deemed thus by society - who sent me a link to a tumblr page at 4 in the morning last night. I had been asleep, going to bed as early as 6 or 7 these days with little energy spent, but had woken up to the link and a casual text forewarning of nudity. The post, titled “why chloe moretz eating spaghetti from wooden boxes? why everyone lookin in the camera?? WHY SOME DUDE SUCKIN DICK???” (linked) had several comments below the picture (which showed exactly what was titled - Chloe Moretz eating spaghetti, several people in the room looking directly at the camera, and two dudes in the back, with their pants down, glimpsing over their shoulders at the camera while one of them received oral stimulation by another man). The comments all posed questions about the absurdity of this picture, revealing pieces of it to be false or photoshopped, and finally presenting the “legitimate” picture of the two men receiving blow jobs, that culminated in a scene with a large black bear walking casually by as they did. I’m confused by this, and if I’m honest, I’m also disturbed. It’s not that I’m without a sense of humor. Most of the time I believe my humor to be flexible and sarcastic, as long as it’s not offensive or insensitive. But like most of the absurdities of men, I’m confounded as to where the humor of such a post lies. Is it the homosexual blow job itself? Is it the actress consuming a meal in public? Or the fact that someone decided to photoshop such random components together in an attempt towards the casualness of such absurdity? Clearly there is something humorous about this, otherwise it wouldn’t have received such attention (241,846 notes on tumblr), and I’m left thinking that maybe I’m more ordinary and less obscene in my character after all. But beyond that, I wonder why this man decided to send me this at the time that he did. How did he come upon the link? And why, at a time when you can presume a stranger to be asleep, did he think of me and decide to send it? 

We had met only once before, and had been talking casually for the last couple of weeks. This mostly consisted of me listening to him talk about how tired, stressed and hopeless he was about the current state of his life and the world in general. It has not been an unusual connection; most of my intimate interactions with men have been like this - men needing to be heard and I playing the role of a vessel to be poured into. It’s only lately that I’ve found the act of “making space” rudimentarily extractive and imbalanced. And a lie to myself. There have been these small ways in which I’ve consented to this “extractive” practice, you see. Listening endlessly to men talk about their unloving fathers, their insecurities around mediocre sexual performance, their lack of careers or intelligence, any culmination of experiences that they deem traumatic, etc., This willingness towards extraction on my end has come about from a configuration of ideas I’ve put together in order to convince myself that this is the ultimate level of intimacy, and thus one I’ve been craving all along (to know what is not knowable to others, to know what hurts or is tender or needs healing). 

In other ways I’ve not consented to what’s been extracted - my body, my emotional entanglements, my intelligence, my victimhood that comes along with the rage of my own vulnerability. Tumblr-man is not different or far from this pattern of giving and taking, of capturing both the spaces available and the spaces I wish to be beyond grasp. I considered a series of actions to acknowledge the text he sent me, to reduce awkwardness and thus affirm that he was not wrong in sending me adult porn unsolicited or without evidence of past history of such behavior being acceptable. I considered creating further space through question and curiosity, to let him know that while I might not have appreciated it, nothing was off limits when he deemed it actionable. But as of now I can only muster enough energy to think about my own psychological patterns. My contract with this phenomenon (the “rudimentary extractive” one) makes me want to dig deeper into the superficial agreement of our relationship, to a place where I reach farther then surface level grief or joy. I want to hear, and have heard, deeper sensory, sensational information that at once makes me feel as much as the person is feeling by telling me something they’ve never considered uttering to a stranger before. I know this is just my own lack of experience around me. I am bored and perhaps numb from the lackluster stimuli that is at my disposal, and thus I want to find it in others - in men - so that it can replace my sense of unworthiness in myself with a false, brief sense of importance to someone else.  

I’ve lived in the South almost all my life. I’m more regionally Southern then most of my current peers, and yet, the culture of ‘Southern living’ did not meet me until I moved to rural Tennessee. Here we eat boiled peanuts (a practice I learned came from the dietary patterns of civil war soldiers) and biscuits with gravy and sometimes fried chicken. Here the tea is sweetened unbearably so, and moonshine is a thing, although never anywhere authentically anymore. More then anything my fat body despairs at these dietary rituals. I feel alienated from my own practices and find it hard to enjoy things. It’s really not that uncommon, however. As a millennial, feelings of alienation and displacement are common.

Tumblr-man (which previously I’d deemed LARPeg - since he both enjoys this strange phenomenon called live action role playing, and being pegged) tells me he is jealous of my ability to enjoy reading. He, in a bizarre series of events, is a Creative Writings major at an obscure liberal arts college in Asheville, NC (the same one, he informs me, that James Franco went to). He tells me that he really “likes the idea of dropping a big plot piece...” and that “writing a big, long, cheeky complaint with lots of pith is very attractive” to him. He recommends I read ‘Consider the Lobster’ by David Foster Wallace, and I do, mostly because I’ve read everything he’s sent my way thus far, and I wasn’t going to prove my own behavioral patterns wrong that day. He sends me memes about Dungeons and Dragons and LARPing that I assume I’m suppose to understand but I do not, although by his own admission, an immigrant like me is not meant to, and is hardly to blame for not understanding “cultural references.” I don’t get it, either LARPing or D&D, but I read both essay assignments he wrote for the semester around a fictional LARPing scenario. I do this because he’s a socialist, and half Venezuelan, and because I can’t help my own internal desire to show a man that I am fully engulfed in his own preferences and passions. I am not entirely foolish, I express my own passions and desires, and hardly authentically adopt theirs, but if he does not ask I do not say, because it’s always easier to listen and be seen listening, then to explain and feel the potential signs of disinterest and boredom. I am not boring. But men can be, and I do not wish to engage with bored men. Anyways, I read ‘Consider the Lobster’, the essay in the book titled the same, and it was, surprisingly, spectacular. How thrilling that something, anything, this particular man had suggested spoke to me in such a way. I preceded to read reviews and an excerpt from a New York Times article titled “How Should a Book Sound? And What About Footnotes?” in where DFW says “Most poetry is written to ride on the breath, and getting to hear the poet read it is kind of a revelation and makes the poetry more alive. But with certain literary narrative writers like me, we want the writing to sound like a brain voice, like the sound of the voice inside of the head, and the brain voice is faster, is absent any breath, and it holds together grammatically rather than sonically." I find this beyond interesting - it jolts me deep down where I safe keep my ideas around literature and its realities. I want to send it to Tumblr-man because it reminded me so specifically of what he had said right before recommending DFW: “I only recently have come to understand that the real sort of fingerprint of a writer can be where they place periods and commas. Because “She left, yesterday.” And “She left. Yesterday.” Sound similar if read aloud but read differently.” I wonder now if he, too, read this quote and had his sense of literature jolted in an inexplicable, but concrete way. 

I’ve once again picked up ‘Normal People’ by Sally Rooney. Thus far, my favorite lines are as follows (of the first U.S edition by Hogarth publishing group):

“This “what?” Question seems to him to contain so much: not just the forensic attentiveness to his silence that allows her to ask in the first place, but a desire for real communication, a sense that anything unsaid is an unwelcome interruption between them” (pg 26);

“One night the library started closing just as he reached the passage in Emma when it seems like Mr. Knightley is going to marry Harriet, and he had to close the book and walk home in a state of strange emotional agitation. He’s amused at himself, getting wrapped up in the drama of novels like that. It feels intellectually unserious to concern himself with fictional people marrying one another. But there it is: literature moves him. One of his professors calls it “the pleasure of being touched by great art.” In those words it almost sounds sexual. And in a way, the feeling provoked in Connell when Mr. Knightley kisses Emma’s hand is not completely asexual, though its relation to sexuality is indirect. It suggests to Connell that the same imagination he uses as a reader is necessary to understand real people also, and to be intimate with them” (pg 72);

“Connell paused and took another drag on his cigarette. This was probably the most horrifying thing Eric could have said to him, not because it ended his life, but because it didn’t. He knew then that the secret for which he had sacrificed his own happiness and the happiness of another person had been trivial all along, and worthless” (pg 80);

“He kisses her closed eyelids. It’s not like this with other people, she says. Yea, he says. I know. She senses there are things he isn’t saying to her. She can’t tell whether he’s holding back a desire to pull away from her, or a desire to make himself more vulnerable somehow” (pg 96).

I am struck by the way the book’s composition demonstrates a realness unfamiliar to the readings I often take on. The book reads the way people speak, and cares very little about the grammatical composition of words/sentences. Instead, characters and their thoughts and the narrators own mind speak the way one speaks in ones mind, unfiltered, scattered with anxiety and directness, with an approach to ones own truth above all else. ‘Normal People’ reads almost opposite to the narrative guidelines David Foster Wallace deems necessary, and yet, it embodies his sentiment almost as if the two had been birthed from one another. I wish I and those around me were as brave and as vulnerable as the compilation of sentences in this book. And yet, we’d all fall apart doing so. I want to recommend ‘Normal People’ to Tumblr-man, along with a series of other writings I have not yet finished but have found impactful nonetheless. I know, ultimately, that I won’t, in the same way I won’t send the NYT’s article. Maybe this is an inability to be seen on my end, or a foolish willingness to be something for somebody else without being an actual something to that somebody. Or maybe it’s too much labor and I’m satisfied with thinking through these things on my own, knowing the depth of my own thoughts without needing them to be seen or understood. In the same way my ears strain and struggle to hear noise while wearing my noise canceling headphones while no music plays, my body strains and struggles, leaping for noise and yet feeling bound by the confines the lack of it creates. 

I think about my own mortality often, and wonder whether this existence, this very moment even, I am dead or dying, with only a delusion of existence playing forth in my mind. These thoughts cause congruent sensations in me - anxiety, because of the potential of this reality that has not been proven incorrect or impossible in my mind, and strangely, a dissociation that elevates me beyond that anxiety. I think to myself, and know deep in my bones, that it is true, that it turns out I’ve been dead all along, and that my body has just been decomposing in motion this whole time, waiting for my bones to turn to ash. 

[drinkupthesunrise]

May the Fourth Exchange 2018 Letter

Dear Yoda,

In general, I like: pining, unrequited love that turns out not to be unrequited, people being friends & in love with each other generally, found family, ridiculous references, fic that explores what characters mean to each other in a greater context, alt!timeline shit (ie, what would happen if a character had made x choice instead of y), complicated relationships, baby/kid!fic, hurt/comfort.

Things I do not want: character bashing, unnecessary character death (ymmv here it’s Star Wars, characters die, I accept that, but please don’t kill anyone off in the pairings, canonical deaths are fine), gratuitous / explicit violence, mundane!AUs (coffee!shop, high school/college, etc), dubcon/noncon in any form, cheating, first person POV.

General links that might be useful to you: my ao3 works, my fic writing tag, my ficlet tag, and my general star wars tag. 

General note: I like characters, and relationships, best when they’re situated in a world that feels real, and that means having other characters around them, and the relationships between them. While the pairings below should definitely be the focus of any fic, please feel free to slip in other things that you think I might like. I think what’s below should give you an idea of that, hopefully :D. For instance, I adore Wedge’s relationship / friendship with the rest of the Fab Four / his pilots in general, and I find the Han / Luke / Leia dynamic endlessly fascinating (both platonically and romantically on all sides), I’m always up for guest appearances from anyone from any point in canon.

Wedge Antilles/Luke Skywalker

Would happily take anything, but specific loves include stuff with them founding Rogue Squadron and that early part of their relationship, where they’re a little unsure and unfamiliar but still utterly trusting of each other? Or in the aftermath of Endor where Luke’s off founding the Jedi Order and Wedge is off fighting the Imperial Remnant and they’re trying to work out if they could have a relationship in all of that? I really love these two, the relationship between them really is one of my all-time faves.

I am also desperate for pre-and-post-TLJ era fic for them. What does Wedge make of Luke’s choices and decisions? Did Wedge go with him to Ahch-To? If Wedge is present, how does that affect the choices Luke makes?

I would also sell my soul for Jedi Academy-era fic in which Wedge is a teacher at Luke’s Jedi Academy, either with them in an established relationship and founding the school, or where Wedge gets involved somehow and slowly realises, oh, actually, Luke is very attractive and there is a lot of pining, and Luke is off having the same realisations about Wedge.

Wedge Antilles/Biggs Darklighter

They must have known each other on Yavin, so it’s not inconceivable that they might have met and, y’know, got it on. So quick and dirty introductions, or possibly even something set later, after the Death Star battle, where Biggs!lives and the two pilots who didn’t get that shot off try and find solace in each other.

Wedge Antilles/Leia Organa

I think Wedge and Leia are very alike, in some ways - both soldiers with a sense of duty that goes far beyond themselves, who’d sacrifice their personal lives for their ideals every time. So anything that builds on that, really; either early Alliance / Rebellion (pre / post Yavin), with Leia still trying to sort out her feelings for Han / Luke and working them out with the person who is the mid-ground between the two (fight me on this Wedge is Han’s smuggling no-good self crossed with Luke’s idealism and good!man nature), or possibly after the Jedi Temple Massacre, or post TLJ, where they are the last two left standing and seek solace in each other?

Also! If you have read the 2013 Marvel Star Wars comic (the Wood/D’Anda one), you should know I was so very very very weak for Leia as Squadron Commander and Wedge as her second, and I cannot believe that was an actual thing that happened in Legends okay??

Wedge Antilles/Leia Organa/Han Solo Okay so Wedge spends an astonishing amount of time in the X-Wing books putting Han and Leia’s relationship back together (only for The Courtship of Princess Leia to happen, poor guy.) Like. He’s really invested in it. And also half in love with both of them it seems.

But, what I really want … is new canon, in which during the Aftermath trilogy Wedge ends up staying with Leia, and sort of never leaves, and even when Han comes back he’s still there, and then he helps out when Ben is born, because Wedge is very good with babies and this is a very important fact, and slowly Han and Leia realise, oh, wait, we never want him to leave.

I would also be very happy with drunken hook-ups, or Han and Leia accidentally propositioning Wedge.

Wedge Antilles/Bodhi Rook

So – well, Wedge was at the Imperial Academy for a time, as was Bodhi, and although it’s unlikely they were in classes together, I think that their paths could have crossed; what’s it like when they see each other on Yavin all those years later? If Bodhi is the only survivor of the Rogue One team, and Wedge is the only survivor of the original pilots (Luke is too new, really) do they find solace in each other? Do they only really catch up after the war with each other, and suddenly realise that no one else is quite going to understand their grief? (I am heavily into Wedge Antilles has a case of survivor’s guilt the size of a Star Destroyer this ship only compounds my feelings).

Wedge Antilles/Lando Calrissian

They took down a Death Star together, that’s a start. I think the other thing about these two is they’re both very set on keeping their people safe – Wedge with his pilots, Lando with the people of Cloud City, and they have principles and lines they won’t cross but they’ll go through hell and back to try and save as many as they can. So maybe something about that?

Wedge Antilles/Mara Jade/Luke Skywalker

In which Wedge Antilles and Mara Jade have precisely one thing in common: they both think that Luke Skywalker is endearing and also kinda useless, and would do anything for him. Which includes teaming up to save Luke when he gets into yet more trouble (insert situation of choice here) despite the fact that Mara is really not very convinced by this short fly-boy with floppy hair who cannot act, and Wedge is not really over the fact that Mara wanted to kill Luke. Bonus points for them discovering that they have far more in common than they think, and for Talon Karrde & Booster Terrik background shenanigans.

(I’d be okay with platonic!wedge&mara, if you can’t get that bit to work, but I would like Wedge and Mara to both be in love with Luke - or on their way there - and for Luke to love them both back.)

Wes Janson/Derek “Hobbie” Klivian

So Wes and Hobbie are like the ultimate wingpair / brothers-in-arms, they are two peas in a pod, and I love them. I like slow realisation of feelings, the dragging out of the relationship over the years, perhaps one of them pining away whilst the other one wakes up one day and is like ‘oh, it’s you, you’ve been here all along and I never noticed.’ But also! Comic shenanigans, prank wars between them, practical jokes, truth or dare - I’m easy to please, honestly.

Jagged Fel/Jaina Solo/Zekk

Okay, for those who didn’t go and read all of Legends… Jagged Fel is Wedge Antilles nephew, Jaina Solo was Han and Leia’s daughter, and Zekk was one of Luke’s students. There was a bit of a love triangle going on. However, in many points, it was less of a love triangle, and more… well. They should have all banged.

Key moments include that time Jaina and Zekk were in a hive mind, and got slightly confused over whose memories were whose, leading to this conversation:

Our boyfriend means business, Zekk observed.

Don’t know that it’s him. And it’s old boyfriend.

Right. We’re so over him.

We?

And also the bit in Legacy of the Force: Invincible, where after Jag and Zekk help pull Jaina out of a sticky situation, she, in a state of confusion due to her banged up head, asks them to both to bunk with her.

So, basically, I want poly shenanigans – fic after the proposed quarters sharing would be great (what if Jag and Zekk took her seriously and had already moved everything about by the time she came round???), messy relationship rebuilding after the Dark Nest fiasco, something where Zekk steps in as Jaina and Jag’s relationship starts to fall apart post NJO? I dunno. But I want them all to kiss.

Plourr Ilo/Evaan Verlaine

They are both kickass lady pilots, and they are both very gay, sooooooooo… it is a crime that they do not exist in the same canon. I want shenanigans. I want an encounter where one or both is undercover and they don’t realise the other is a rebellion / new republic pilot until after everything. I want them on different squadrons trying to one up each other.

Wedge Antilles/Col "Fake Wedge" Takbright

I can’t believe Jason Fry made ‘fake wedge’ an actual thing, but IT HAPPENED, and so we should all take advantage of this glorious fact by making them kiss or something, I dunno, fill in the blanks.

On a semi-serious note, I actually really like the care between them at the end of that story, how Col takes one look at about-to-succumb-to-the-worst-survivor’s-guilt-wedge and just, doesn’t stand for it. And so I would LOVE fic about all the times that Col keeps digging Wedge out of despair. Maybe about how Col turns into Wedge’s most erstwhile defender, and Wedge keeps asking why Col keeps putting himself on the line for him, and realisations about how maybe what’s between them has developed into something more.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Hi Lizzy, I'm new to the SPN fandom and saw a bunch of bibros making fun of meta writers. As a lowkey Destiel shipper it still pissed me off. I'm wondering- who are your fav meta writers to read?

Pfft, it’s practically a badge of honour that THEY are pissed off by the meta. Interpretation worries them because as soon as you get into the what they’d see as hippie dippy “all readings are valid uwu” part of literary theory, you’ve made an attempt to level the playing field with them and they don’t wanna be on it with us, they want to have the one sacred and true reading of the show to which all roads lead etc etc. Actually buying into the idea you can interpret the show and come up with multiple readings or that the text would DARE support another version (even the interpretation that Sam and Dean aren’t soulmates or something ship-free that gets in the way indirectly - or an argument they are soulmates but that’s basically just the show’s way of conveying Heaven is somehow worse than Hell for them :P) immediately is a threat to the idea of a cast iron version of the show that’s the one they latched onto. 

Strange world where “reading into things” is an insult instead of a sign of healthy curiosity and a desire to learn and understand. And I see people who literally mind their own corner or would agree in spirit with their interpretation as long as you CALL it that and leave others be to have a different one, get dogpiled by them for daring to treat the show as a flexible and multi-layered, analyse-able thing…

Ah well. 

Kinda missing out on the yearly punch up in the parking lot round the back of the fandom right now, tbh, since I’ve been AWOL with hanging around with family and friends stuff. Kinda not missing it. :P Welcome to the fandom, it can get pretty messy, and some of us here just wanna watch the show and ask silly questions to everyone about how many burgers Dean’s eaten on screen recently or whatever important character analysis nonsense is bothering us today.

To which end! :D 

No matter how long you have followed me, even if it’s like a day or 2, you must have noticed my queue endlessly spitting out @mittensmorgul‘s full-show rewatch along with the TNT loop, all out of order and a week late because that’s how I roll. Mittens is a great meta writer to read because everything she writes is fun and the kind of hectic idea hopping my brain glues with..

Everything @awed-frog writes is similarly enjoyable to read in that style but longer and more poetic and dark, and very insightful. (You might be able to tell I’m mentioning the meta writers I reblogged stuff from today while waiting for my long term memory to contribute anything)… Linking their ask tag for starters because idk how to find other long meta at short notice :P

Actually while I’m thinking about rewatches, I’ve always enjoyed @dustydreamsanddirtyscars‘s dramatic, purple prose essay approach to meta and flawless blog presentation… Sadly Jenny’s not enjoying season 12 very much with the change in style from the weird dark symbolism of Carver era, to the sort of fractals upon fractals of weird little emotional references and do-overs this year when Dabb gets to do his thing on a whole season, but if you want Carver era weird dark symbolism, I’ve been really enjoying where she has been lurking in Carver era, meta-ing her way through it. 

(I just generally dig reading re-watches, especially because all that hindsight is paying off so much now because for Dabb era if we’re going to meta it we NEED hindsight and reminders and the TNT loop playing in the background showing us just how layered and self-referential the show has become (and what it’s doing differently, and how much the characters have grown and changed, which, I think, is the point now) - anyway if you’re doing a rewatch, I LOVE to read posts about old episodes, especially the weird old MotW and really early seasons stuff no one seems to talk about much any more)

There’s a LOT of great meta writers out there and after every episode I try to find and reblog the long reaction notes, if they’re done it, from @dorkilysoulless @grey2510 @kayanem @bluestar86 (and awed frog again). @charlie-minion has been busy this season with other stuff as far as I know with a few more infrequent visits, but I know she has a page with every meta she wrote on it and generally wrote a great post per episode for a good chunk of the time I was in fandom, and still drops by fairly regularly despite a smaller presence. @thevioletcaptain also is great and has an episode reaction for most episodes (though again has been busy with IRL stuff for a few weeks/months/I have no concept of time but she hasn’t posted anything for the recent episodes as far as I’ve seen >.>) and also a page with her meta on it that when I was brand new to the fandom I had permanently open in another tab to cross-reference while I re-watched the show :P

(A lot of my favourite meta writers I imprinted on like a duckling when I was new and remember them really well but of course I love all the new people around here but my actual useful visual memories are all the fandom circa season 9 and not all around any more much, because my brain has been stewing in migraines and fatigue since, like, the middle of season 10, and my new approach is to wearily trudge through my dash barely checking who wrote what unless I have to deal with minuscule fonts on a read more, so I’m afraid my memory of active bloggers is totally rubbish and it’s best just to look at my awesome meta tag and see who I’ve been reblogging a lot lately and some really grevious oversights in people I will smack my head for not mentioning if you bring it up, but your question was phrased in such a way I went straight for who do I ENJOY reading not quick gimme a useful list with no explanation thing :P So uh, sorry if this is 100x longer than you expected :D)