#(grips pen tightly) the paper is smooth and everything and nothing bleeds.

[dreemurr-skelememer]

i got a ruled notebook instead of a blank one and im really mad. cuz i really like the paper. but its ruled. so

[not-all-dead]

angstpril day fourteen: nightmares

CW: reliving trauma, panic attack, swearing

fic under the cut

Cold, everything was so cold. Her body felt heavy as she was dragged from a small guarded room to the pavilion outside. She was forced onto her knees, her hands pulled tightly behind her back.

She could hear every tiny movement. Her head hung low as she listened to the crashing of waves in the distance, the rustling of leaves in the wind, the occasional call of birds. Soft footsteps all around her. She’d have said was almost a beautiful scene had she not known better.

She listened, and she waited. She knew what was coming. It was the same every time, the bliss before the nightmare really began.

His footsteps were heavier than the others’, his clothes looser and louder. The wind whipped his robes as he walked up behind her, taking his sweet, sweet time moving to stand before her. He placed a finger under her chin and forced her head up, the air around them suddenly stilling.

She stared up at him, glaring at his emotionless mask and hollow eyes.

Now it’ll happen, she thought to herself.

That’s how it always went.

But something was different tonight.

As she watched him, he started to change. His body changed first, taking a form all too familiar to her, before his mask fell to the ground revealing his face.

And instead of Amon standing there, it was her mother.

“I couldn’t be more disappointed,” Toph said, staring coldly down at Lin.

“You’ve failed me. You’ve failed everyone.”

Lin closed her eyes, expecting tears to fall. None came. When she opened her eyes again, it was no longer her mother in front of her, but Kya.

“I really did love you, you know. But this time,” Kya paused and everything around them changed.

Suddenly the Air Temple was gone and they were on the beach on ember island, their friends laughing loudly in the distance. Kya’s hair was brown again, her face younger and smooth. She still stood above Lin, lifting her chin with a single finger.

“This time,” Kya repeated, the landscape around them changing again.

Now they were in the middle of a ballroom, masked faces twirling gracefully around them. The lights dimmed suddenly, plunging them into darkness.

“This time,” She said one last time, the air temple behind her returning and the cold biting down to Lin’s bones.

“You’ve gone too far,” Kya released Lin’s chin and walked around to stand behind her.

When a hand reached down and yanked her head back, it was Amon looking down at her again. His icy hand gripped her neck while he stared blankly down at her, raising his other hand above her. He stretched out his thumb and brought it quickly down towards her forehead. She squeezed her eyes shut, dreading the sensation that was about to rip through her body.

She sat bolt upright, breathing heavily and covered in sweat. She glanced to her left to see Kya sleeping peacefully. Her vision blurred with tears and she tried to stifle a sob, pushing herself gently out of bed. She made her way to the bathroom as quietly as she could, not wanting to wake Kya. She closed the door behind her and turned on the light, hunching over the sink.

Her hands gripped the edge of the sink tightly as sobs shook her shoulders. She’d tried to calm herself down and almost managed to stop crying several times, but bits of the nightmare rushed back and she broke down all over again. It was just before she started sobbing again that she heard a knock on the door.

“Shit,” She muttered before opening it, looking up at Kya with red and puffy eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I tried not to wake you up,” Her voice broke and she took in a shaky breath, her vision blurring with tears again.

“Shh, it’s alright,” Kya said, pulling Lin into her arms.

Kya held Lin until her sobs quieted, stroking her hair and rubbing her back. When she was no longer shaking, Kya pulled back.

“Come back to bed,” She said softly, cupping Lin’s scarred cheek in her hand.

Lin nodded and followed Kya back to their bed, curling into Kya’s chest and draping her arm over her torso.

“Do you want to talk about it? Kya asked quietly.

Lin lay quietly for a minute before responding, debating whether to say anything or not.

“It was the Amon nightmare again,” She paused and shifted, finding Kya’s hand and taking it in her own.

Kya hummed in response, letting Lin play with her fingers. After what felt like ages, she spoke again.

“It was different this time, wasn’t it,” She placed her hand on top of Lin’s to stop her fiddling.

Lin sucked in a deep breath.

“Yeah,” She said, moving her head to look up at Kya.

“He turned into my mom, and then you. My mom said I’d failed, and you… you said that I’d gone too far. That you couldn’t forgive me this time,” A tear slipped down her face and she moved her head again, looking down at their hands.

“That sounds awful,” Kya lifted her hand and interlocked her fingers with Lin.

“I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” Lin squeezed Kya’s hand in response.

“Thank you,” She breathed, closing her eyes and relaxing against Kya.

“I love you,” Kya whispered a moment later, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

“I love you too,” Lin replied before they both drifted back into deep, dreamless sleep.

———————————————

She knew exactly what was happening. She could feel the fog seeping into her skin, filling her lungs, clouding her vision. It took over her senses first, then creeped into her mind. It made her dizzy, then tired, then started showing her all the things she didn’t want to see.

A man she’d found half dead in a cave when she was only twenty one. She hadn’t been able to save him no matter how hard she tried.

This isn’t real. Just wake up.

A woman and her baby, both dead after complications with the birth. It had been her first and last delivery, at twenty three.

It isn’t real. Wake up.

A handful of pale villagers, their eyes sunken and skin almost green. She’d done everything she could to heal them, and had kept the virus from spreading to anyone else, but had lost every one of them. She’d been twenty seven.

Just wake up.

A twenty nine year old woman, the exact same age as her, drained and lying in a pool of her own blood. They’d been travelling together for almost a year. She’d found her too late, and healing the wounds caused by her own blade had done nothing compared to the sheer amount of blood loss.

Wake up.

Jerking out of a deep sleep in the middle of the night to the screams of the others in her hotel. Nearly suffocating trying to get out of the fire. Being the only healer despite being just thirty four. Losing nearly half of the people pulled from the burning building.

Please.

Watching her friend step over the edge of a cliff at thirty seven, a year older than her. Screaming his name and running down the path to the bottom, only to find him crumpled. She tried anyway. Nothing brought him back.

Kya.

Visiting Air temple Island at forty one only to watch her father dying slowly. She was the last one to see him alive. She tried to bring him back. She failed over and over again until someone pulled her away from him.

Kya, please.

Teaching waterbending in the South Pole. Her youngest student, a boy not older than four years old, falling through the ice. Her forty eight years of life somehow still not being enough to give her the ability to save him. The wails of his mother when she had to tell her what happened.

It isn’t real. Wake up.

Coming back to Republic City and going to Lin’s apartment with the intent of confessing her feelings. She’d found her bleeding in the bathroom. She’d never been so afraid, and had somehow kept her alive. She’d been fifty three, but felt like a child again.

Kya, wake up.

Four years later finding Lin the exact same way a second time. The same fear gripping her, her hands shaking as she healed her again. She’d barely been able to breath.

Please, please wake up.

She’d barely been able to breath.

She couldn’t breath.

The air was too thick.

It was the panic filling her lungs when someone she loved got hurt. It was the smoke in that burning building. It was the guilt that grew with every person she lost.

It was the fog infecting her body, her mind.

She was suffocating.

Kya.

She couldn’t breath.

Kya.

She was shaking.

Kya.

The world was becoming fuzzy.

Kya.

Why was everything shaking?

“Kya, please,” Lin’s voice was the first thing she heard when her eyes snapped open.

Kya’s vision was swimming, tears streaming from her eyes. She pushed herself into a sitting position, bringing her knees to her chest and hugging them tightly. Her breathing was shallow and fast, the lack of oxygen making her light headed. She flinched when Lin placed her hand on her back, relaxing after a second and letting her softly bring it up and down. Lin let her be for a second before recgnizing that she needed help getting out of the attack this time.

“Kya, can you look at me?” She moved so that she was sitting cross-legged in front of Kya.

Kya shook her head almost imperceptibly, keeping her stare locked on her feet.

“Alright, that’s ok. Let’s start with five things you can see,” She reached up to pull one of Kya’s hands away from her legs, squeezing it in an attempt to encourage her.

Kya’s eyes moved up from her feet, tracing around the room. Her eyelids fluttered as she did so, threatening to close every time she looked somewhere new. After a moment her stare returned to her feet and she opened her mouth to speak. It hung open for a moment before it closed again and she shook her head.

“Hey, its ok. Do you want me to get your notepad so you can write instead?” Lin watched Kya hesitate before nodding.

“Alright,” Lin stood and walked two steps to the bedside table, pulling the drawer out as quietly as she could and grabbing Kya’s small pad of paper and pen.

She walked back to Kya, who had moved so that she sat cross-legged with her arms wrapped tightly around her torso. Her breathing had improved slightly, but she was still clearly in her state of panic. Lin sat across from her again and placed the notepad and pen on her lap.

Kya closed her eyes for a second before pulling her arms from around her. She grabbed the pen with a shaking hand, glancing around the room again before scribbling a collection of words on the paper. Lin took the notepad and read the notes out loud, looking around as she did so.

“The window, the rug, me, your hands, the blanket. Perfect,” She smiled reassuringly at Kya and handed the pad back.

“How about four things you can feel?” She rested her hand on Kya’s knee.

Kya nodded and used her other hand to rub the blanket quickly. She then touched Lin’s hand lightly, ran her hand through her own hair, and rubbed her fingers on the paper. She wrote down the four things she’d touched and gave the pad to Lin again.

“The blanket, the best hand ever,” Lin couldn’t help but laugh, looking up at Kya, who had a tiny smile of her own shining through her tears.

“Your hair, and the paper. You’re doing great, Kya,” She gave the paper back and reached forwards, wiping one of Kya’s cheeks.

“Now how about three things you can hear?” Kya stared at the paper, listening, before she wrote anything.

“Your breathing, cars, Jin from next door’s radio even though it’s the middle of the night,” Lin laughed again and grinned at Kya.

“Amazing. Two things you can smell?”

Kya took in a deep breath through her nose, closing her eyes to focus on the smells. Her eyebrows furrowed in concentration and she inhaled again, blinking twice before writing.

“The ocean, home. Perfect, you’re almost there,” Lin put her hand on Kya’s knee again as she wrote the last one, not needing Lin to tell her what it was.

“Toothpaste,” Lin read, squeezing Kya’s knee slightly.

“You alright now?” She looked up at Kya, who’s breathing was now a little shaky but much more evened out.

Her eyes were no longer glazed over, and she wasn’t crying. She smiled at Lin, grabbing the pad from her one last time.

Thank you, she wrote, lifting Lin’s hand to her lips.

“Talk in the morning?” Lin asked, sensing that Kya needed time before she’d be able to voice her thoughts again.

Kya nodded gratefully and tucked the pad back in its drawer, patting the bed next to her. Lin crawled under the covers next to her, hugging her and holding her hand as they both fell back asleep.

[trexrambling]

Falls Apart

This was written for @hannahindie and @pinknerdpanda‘s follower milestone challenge! Congrats to both of you lovely ladies :) You two are amazing authors and people - blessed to have you both in my life! 

I chose the song Sincerely Yours by Hit the Lights. I didn’t go with the feel of the song as much as I went with the lyrics, which I bolded throughout the fic. I’m terrible at song challenges - breakin’ all the rules over here. Forgive me.

Characters: Reader, Sam, Dean, Castiel

Warnings: Mild language. Angst. So much angst. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not.

Word Count (including lyrics): 1,764

A/N: Thanks to @wheresthekillswitch for being my letter checker and confirming me in my monsterness. Love you, sole sister of mine ;)

Dean ran his hands through his hair to get rid of as much excess blood as he could before climbing into the driver’s seat and closing the Impala’s door. Sam fell into the passenger seat with a small groan, doing his best to keep as much pressure as he could on the cut that ran along his left side. They were both covered in blood, guts, and dirt. A plethora of cuts, bruises, and scrapes adorned every few inches of their skin.

“I can honestly say that I did not see that one coming,” Dean stated, wincing at the effort it took to even turn the keys in the ignition, “I feel like I’ve been run through a blender set to puree.”

Sam grunted his agreement as he rummaged through the glove box, finally withdrawing his cell phone. He checked the few notifications on the screen. “Hey, Y/N called us.” He clicked the voicemail notification and held his phone to his ear.

“I’m really wishing I was the one with the flu right now,” Dean mumbled. Sam waved a hand to shush him as the message started to play.

Sam! Damn, I was hoping you’d have your phone on you. I’ve been looking some more into the case you guys are on. I don’t think it’s a werewolf. I’m pretty sure you might be looking at a Qarin. Remember that case back in February? Yeah. Call me back if you get this. I hope you guys are ok. Miss you both.

“Well?” Dean asked as Sam set his phone back down.

“She figured it out before we did,” Sam said with a small smile, “I really wish she would have been here.”

“You and me both,” Dean grumbled.

Sam picked up Dean’s phone from the dash and handed it to him, “Looks like she called you, too.”

Just then, the phone screen lit up as it vibrated to signal an incoming call. Dean checked the caller ID, then showed it to Sam, who shrugged. Dean answered the call and held it to his ear, “Hello?”

“Hi. This is Marcy calling from Memorial Hospital hospital in Seward, Nebraska. Is this Dean Winchester?”

“Yes,” Dean managed to say. His blood started to run cold.

“Mr. Winchester, you’re listed as Y/N Y/LN’s emergency contact based on the personal records we were able to pull up. We’re calling to inform you that she’s been in an accident and was brought here for treatment.”

“An…an accident? What do you mean, an accident?” his tone was harsher than he’d intended it to be, but the panic rising in his gut wasn’t leaving any room for a calm response. Sam was looking at him in a way that prompted Dean to put the phone on speaker.

“There was a collision on I-80 headed towards Lincoln. Ms. Y/LN was involved and is currently in intensive care. As her emergency contact, will you be able to come in to give your consent for any medical procedures?”

Dean opened his mouth, but no words came out. Sam glanced up at him before speaking, “Hi. Um, yes. This is Y/N’s…brother. Sam. We can be there.” He scrambled to find some paper and a pen. “Can you tell me the name of the hospital again, please?”

Marcy gave him the information and he thanked her before reaching out to end the call. “Dean. We’ve got to go. Now.”

Dean nodded wordlessly and put the car into drive, his eyes watching the speedometer while the needle steadily climbed as he pushed the gas pedal to the floor.

Dean practically ran into the hospital, Sam close on his heels. “Where’s Y/N Y/LN’s room?” he asked, his hands gripping the edges of the front counter so hard that his knuckles turned white.

The receptionist clacked her fingers across the keyboard. She read the screen over her glasses and looked up at him, her eyes carrying an emotion that Dean hated instantly. “She’s on the second floor, but only family can –“

“We are her family,” Dean snapped back, immediately making his way to the stairs rather than choosing to wait for an elevator.

But now this broken soul of a boy Falls in pieces with no choice

Dean paced the small waiting room, his head snapping up to the doors whenever a nurse or doctor would walk through and falling again when they weren’t there to deliver information about Y/N. “What’s taking so long?” Dean growled. “I already called Cas. He’s still almost an hour out.”

Sam didn’t respond. He was hunched over in one of the cheap plastic chairs, rubbing an old scar on his hand. He kept hearing Y/N’s words on his voicemail, like a haunting echo in his mind, and the recollection made his composure fall apart – I hope you guys are ok. Miss you both.

At the sound of her voice He falls apart

Dean finally fell into a chair in the corner, his hands going to rub down his face in frustration. He pulled his phone from his pocket and stared down at the screen. Y/N’s voicemail notification still sat there, and with shaky fingers he slowly clicked it and held the phone to his ear. Her voice played over the line, and at the sound of it he took a deep, shaky breath and closed his eyes.

Hey Dean. I couldn’t get a hold of Sam, so I figured I’d try you. I’m pretty sure you guys are hunting a Qarin, and if that’s the case you’re going to want some back up. I’ve downed some cough syrup I found at the bunker and I’m headed your guy’s way. I might have taken the mustang from the garage… damn if she doesn’t ride as smooth as I always thought she would. Anyway, I’ll be there before midnight. Hopefully you guys aren’t already being side blinded by the thing, but I brought a first aid kit just in case. Oh! I stopped and got those mini pie things we found at that one gas station a few weeks back. We’ll see if I save you one or not. Love you both!

The voicemail ended, and Dean was left clutching his phone tightly in his hands as if it were the only thing tethering him to the ground.

“Cas.”

Dean looked up at Sam’s voice, his eyes immediately going to the trench coated man that had swept into the room.

“Dean. Sam. I came as soon as you called. Where is she?”  

“Somewhere back there,” Dean gestured wildly at the green double doors, “They won’t let us see her.”

Castiel strode with determination for the doors, only to be halted abruptly when they swung open as a short man wearing scrubs and glasses pushed his way through.

“Dean Winchester?”

“That’s me,” Dean said, quickly walking over to the doctor, “Can we see her now? No one’s told us a thing. We’re all family.”

The doctor’s face conveyed the same emotion that the receptionist’s had earlier. “I – I’m so sorry, Mr. Winchester. We did all we could do.”

Everything faded to a blur around him as the doctor continued to talk.

Internal bleeding.

Two hours of surgery.

Blood leaked into the brain.

Nothing we could do.

“Dean! DEAN!”

Sam’s voice brought him back to the room. Dean was clutching the front of the doctor’s shirt, and he looked down to see fear in the short man’s eyes.

“I’m sorry for your loss, Mr. Winchester. We did everything we could to save her,” the man spluttered out, his words laced with practiced sincerity.

Sam’s hand gripped Dean’s shoulder, but he shook him off as he released his hold on the doctor. Dean spun away from them both, using his momentum to drive his fist into the wall beside him. The drywall caved in, and he felt a sharp pain shoot from his fingers up to his forearm. He brought his hand back, his knuckles already starting to swell, and met the doctor’s shocked gaze.

“Where is she?” Dean’s voice was hollow. Y/N’s voice resounded in his brain, and the walls he’d built around himself cracked and fell apart – Love you both!

But now this broken soul of a boy Falls in pieces with no choice

Castiel watched from the doorframe as the brother’s stood over Y/N’s still form. Her pale features were still caked in blood, her legs were bent at unnatural angles, and the IV shunt from her surgery was still sticking out of her arm. Tears were freely flowing down Sam’s face as he sank to his knees beside the bed, picking up Y/N’s cold hand in his and holding it to his face. Dean’s eyes were red from his unshed tears, and Castiel watched as one slipped through the wall and trickled slowly down his cheek.  

The pain radiating throughout the room made Castiel’s chest grow tight, and his knees threatened to buckle under the weight of it all. It was suffocating, and he slowly backed the rest of the way out until his back hit the wall behind him. He clutched his phone in his hands as he stared down at the two missed calls and the voicemail notification beneath them. He looked at Y/N’s still body again before bringing the device to his ear.

Cas. H-hey. I really wish you had your wings right now, man. It just…it just hurts, Cas. I didn’t want to call Dean or Sam. Not like this. I’d hoped you would pick up… I’m scared, Cas. This feels like it might be it. That car came out of nowhere. You’ve always criticized my driving… I promise it wasn’t me this time. Dean’s going to be so mad about the mustang… Man, it’s really folded up like an accordion right now. I should have taken my clunker of a truck… …Cas… Tell them I’m sorry. I think I’m going to leave them. They’re going to need someone. Promise me you’ll look out for them. Don’t let Dean do anything stupid. Don’t let Sam disappear… I love them both so much… so much… ...Cas… Thanks for always being there for me. I wish you were here now… I’m just scared… It’s cold, Cas… I think…I think I hear sirens…Maybe….maybe I’ll make it… Cas…

Her voice faded out. Sirens filled the speaker. The line went dead. And Castiel felt himself fall apart.

At the sound of her voice He falls apart He falls apart He falls apart

My Forever Lovelies: @wheresthekillswitch @pinknerdpanda @emilywritesaboutdean @arryn-nyxx @hannahindie @ruprecht0420 @jotink78 @hiimaprofessionalfangirl @super-not-naturall @aiaranradnay @percywinchester27 @rosie-winchester @nanie5 @feelmyroarrrr @mogaruke @escabell @mrswhozeewhatsis @katymacsupernatural @deanssweetheart23