#(feat. swoosh the oshawott)

[phonypizza]

"i-if you didn't do it, who did?" [ @ your muse of choice! ]

Okay, first, Luigi is real. Alright. He got swept up in that part of his new reality. Learning that Luigi was real -- then realizing that perhaps some of the games he's played have been based on someone's actual experiences --

It's a lot. A lot-lot.

Like... the Mii thing was something! But this is another thing entirely, and Konin is just going to... just gonna let himself play along. Like yeah this is obviously Luigi! But if his mind does not treat this like a really in-character cosplay, he's going to freak out in his room later.

"... Didn't do what again? I didn't do it nah. Maybe it was a clone or something. ..." Ah right, the clones. "I really hope it wasn't a clone. I think that'd actually be the second-worst-case scenario."

"Oshhh sha sha wott." According to Swoosh, who's very confident right now, the possibility of that sudden sound could have been a Peppino clone. ... That's all that Swoosh seems to be confident about.

[phonypizza]

"What is that RACKET."

"OSHHHHHHH." WHY MUST I SUFFER.

[phonypizza]

I haven't known Pino for very long, but he seems...nice? I think our first few meetings have been a little awkward, and maybe that was my fault. I can be kind of weird. But maybe we can find some common ground sometime.

Fake is, uh...different. It seems pleasant enough? The flour thing is strange, but I'm glad that it didn't use ALL of mine. Maybe we could bake together, sometime. It's pretty well-mannered for...what. It's a clone, right? I mean that's badass, I guess.

I haven't met the little dude yet, I don't think. C-...Conan? But I THINK he has pokemon - and Pino too, actually - so maybe that'd be a good way to get to know each other! I could bring my girl with me, next time I visit the pizzeria.

"... Please. You think you're the reason why our meetings were-a awkward? Aheh. I'm not really... I'mma still not good at this sort of-a thing. The small talk. But, ah... please do come drop in, sometime! (It's good for-a business anyway and I'mma trying to get more connections.) If-if it helps, I'mma not thinking about how weird anyone else is but myself."

"Bbaakee!! Bake-aaa... yyesss! You ccan tteach me how too?" It wrings its hands in excitement. "Sor-ry abbout the. Floour... and yyess! Clone! But... but I wiill get bbetter... soooon... .eheheheH"

"Hah, you're close - it's Konin. Don't worry, it's not a common name at all. We do have Pokémon! It'd be nice to meet yours. They could have a little play meetup or something, yeah?"

"Shaa shaaa!"

[phonypizza]

So, Egg Dad, what are you thinking of calling the little one?

"Egg Dad?? Don't call me that." But before he can start thinking up a full response to the 'naming' thing, the door jingles and the kitchen doors are pushed open. Here's Konin at last, with a friend!

"Hey, boss. I got some stuff... and--"

"Oshaaa!"

"Yeah, this little guy's an Oshawott. It's uh... like a little otter. Y'know!" Konin holds up a shopping bag. "Maybe it'd be best for these guys to go play in... uh... maybe in the dining area where I can help keep an eye on them. I also brought some toys and stuff."

"... Thank you, Konin." He looks so tired already.

[phonypizza]

"Ohmygosh - your Oshawott is so cute...!" Dandie's kneeling down to get a better look at the Pokemon. Speaking of Pokemon, there seems to be a Jigglypuff, peeking out of the backpack that she's got slung on her shoulders. "Its scalchop is such a nice shade of yellow - you must really take care of them well!"

"Shaaaa osha!" Here's someone with a good eye! Swoosh does notice the Jigglypuff though, and peers curiously at them from the floor. Konin looks a little sheepish, and flushes at the praise.

"Yeah, I... yeah! Swoosh here is kinda my baby, haha. He's only a little spoiled." He would pick up the Oshawott, but Konin would prefer to not have to wash his hands right now. "Who's that one you've got there?" He gestures to the pink puff. "Some 'mons are uh, unknown to me..."

[phonypizza]

Konin, are you a trainer? Do you battle, or is the Oshawott more like a pet?

"Oh, absolutely not, I don't have the spine you'd probably need to be an actual for-real trainer. Swoosh is just a little dude who likes to follow me. No Pokéball or anything."

"Osh shaa... shaa wott." He'd get his butt kicked by higher-level Pokémon.

[phonypizza]

What level is your Oshawott, Konin? Maybe you could keep those Tentacool away with a repel

"I do not have ownership of Swoosh."

"Oshhh. Wott sha." I'm level 13.

[phonypizza]

It's not boiling. But the pot is full, and he's stuck under Red. Konin thrashes and thrashes and realizes he has to let go if he wants to get his head up above water. His hands release the slippery bastard and he pushes himself up with a heavy gasp, his eyes wide and wild before a coughing fit overtakes him. Konin's heart is hammering as he hacks and sputters and gags on the water he'd swallowed while shrieking his defiance.

... so, all in all, it wasn't very effective. Or cool.

Swoosh clenches his little paws as he watches his friend struggle to breathe. A flash of yellow and red rushes over the little otter's body as he brings all of his focus to a single point, energy surging through him. Swoosh used Focus Energy!

... he doesn't look very intimidating, even with his increased chance of a critical hit. A Pokémon that truly matches the vibe of his human...

No one wants to become one with the broth, anymore. Where was the respect for the unqualified head chef, and the delicate craft of Italian soups artistry he’d spent years failing to hone? Now LRYYBJ would drag Red into the pot, as if LRYYBJ knew anything about making a quality otter-spit soup!

One of Red’s hands tried to clamp around the rim of the pot to push himself back up, and the other would attempt to push LRYYBJ further inside of the pot; but, with Red's doughy limbs being thoroughly soaked as they were, his grip was not as powerful as he would have liked.

And to make matters worse? The water in the pot was cold! It would take forever to boil, and Red hadn't even started a fire, yet!

LRYYBJ wouldn’t be thrashing around so much if Red could bash him over the head with something. Like a tenderizing stick, or –

Right, he was supposed to be looking for that.

But he had faith in Creech. She would find some other way to prepare the other annoying pest for the other broth without it, and however she’d managed to dismantle the carcass would be fine. The little ankle-biters would not complain. There would surely be no issues!

This one, however. This one would be a problem.

What happened to that dough-coated rope he’d tossed aside a moment ago? That would've been useful…

Oh. Red had carelessly flung it all the way on the other side of the boulder/makeshift kitchen counter. He can’t reach it from here, and LRYBBJ refuses to accept his fate as a mediocre ingredient long enough for Red to fetch it! Great.

[phonypizza]

"I already have??? A job??? Why are you--" For the sake of potentially not getting further menaced, Konin just swallows down his protests (and apprehension) and picks up his rather displeased Oshawott. Best not to provoke this guy until he knew exactly what it was capable of.

"Ughhh. Yes. I have ruined Italian cuisine before. ... I made a mistake with a dish and it came out too soggy and kept falling apart even when I forked it."

"Shaaaa osha sha wott." It looks weak to getting cut up.

"So you are failing to tell me that you are unfamiliar with how job-hunting works."

"The job hunts for you."

Red wasn't going to admit that it really did need the help. It hasn't replaced any of the workers that abandoned it, after it got fired by that angsty tadpole. The one with all of the problems. 'Ah, yes, let me solve my various tadpole problems by kicking this not-so-hardworking chef in the back, and also committing arson!' What kind of logic was that?! Red was giving that little brat the opportunity to be in a bland and mediocre soup, and where was the appreciation? Terrible.

Internal monologue aside.

"As part of the employee-hunting tradition, now begins the grueling and agonizing interview process! I am looking for correct answers only." Here goes! "Have you ever ruined Italian cuisine, before?"

[phonypizza]

Now. When Konin can't run (that is, when his movement is impeded), he loses any semblance of cool he might have put up to show that he's actually not a good target. When he loses his cool, and when he can't run from the thing that made him lose his cool, there are only a few other things he can do about that.

He's gripped. He tosses his beloved Swoosh to one side (to safety), his now-freed hands coming up to grasp onto Red's gooey, wet, doughy body. You wanna throw him in the pot? Come join him.

"EEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH IF I'M DYING TODAY WE'RE BOTH DYING TOGETHER!!!!!!!!"

...

so, uh, take that as you will.

Swoosh is currently a little too stunned to react to what just happened.

     Since when was the otter able to do that?

     This otter spit may not have been the classic Italian pond water Red had ordered his laziest employee to fetch, but that pot was certainly filling up fast...

     Yes, it was so clear to Red, now! Red should have just hired the otter by itself in the first place. After LRYYBJ became one with the broth, perhaps the otter would be given his old position. Doesn't constantly complain about wanting to go home, marketable mascot potential... Red may just be looking at another contender for Employee of the Month!

     Speaking of Employee of the Month.

     Red had heard that commotion. The "EYAAAAOAOAOAOAOAOW!" The eager shouts of his bloodthirsty little ankle-biters, followed by the immediate stock bowling pin sound effects of the crashed-into tadpoles. A feral growl. Red turned to look –

     And that was when the otter’s spit had targeted him.

     Twice.

     The water rushed into his mostly-hollow, masklike head, causing it to cartoonishly swell up several times its original size. Red had blinked – once, twice – before waterfalls gushed out of his mouth and ears. The dough making up his face plopped off in waterlogged pieces, onto the dampened ground –

     – leaving behind an exposed, annoyed brain.

     “We need to work on your aim."

     How was Red talking, then? Spite! Spite let Red do a lot of things... except for paying any mind to the commotion he’d heard not even a minute ago, which was probably important. Might have even been something Red would have dropped this entire conversation to pursue!

But Red would just attempt to grab LRYYBJ instead, fully intending to toss him into the pot.

[phonypizza]

Konin picks up Swoosh, holding him close to his chest. He continues to make eye contact the entire time. He does vaguely glance at the titles of those books and honestly, he's not surprised in the least. This chef-wannabe has been very clear about his intentions.

"Swoosh. Water Gun."

Swoosh does as ordered, shooting a rush of water into the pot before immediately shooting Red in the face with another burst of water.

"Shhhhhaaaaaaaa!!"

"Yeah okay that's fair I'd do that too." He shakes the bucket off his head (and off the potholder resting there). "Actually, I think I have an idea...

"Swoosh, use Soak."

"I suppose I would have been able to see firsthand what too much sound vibration does to a broth!"

"If I had a broth."

Red set the now-empty soup pot upright, never once breaking eye contact. There's a lot of room in that pot. Creech was still working on that tadpole soup, with the smaller pot — which Red is sure is currently going well — but this particular pot... it was about the same size as the employee standing before him.

An unimportant detail! Do not worry about it.

Red plunged a hand into his doughy torso, pulling out and tossing aside a few items. A wound-up bit of rope, a book titled 'HOW TO COOK A HUMAN' (with an illustration on the cover of a face that looked identical to his employee), the critically acclaimed sequel cookbook 'HOW TO ALSO COOK AN OTTER,' and — ah, there we go! He found what he'd been looking for: a very small bucket. One which would be placed on top of LRYYBJ's head.

"What are you waiting for? Start gathering the replacement pond water!"