#(edited everything he had yesterday. then he wrote more so now I'm going back)

[bookwyrminspiration]

hi quil! do you like cheese

hi nonsie! I do, in fact, like cheese. the ecstasy of the cheese dream didn't come from nowhere, after all--although the dream was cheddar, and I'm not particularly a fan of cheddar. it's too taste for me. I'm more of a pepperjack person

hang on got distracted trying to figure out why "mexican blend" cheese is called mexican blend because there doesn't seem to be anything particularly mexican about it. my very brief research tells me that it got that name because it's commonly used in mexican cuisine to make it palatable to non-mexicans? it also can have asadero and queso blanco, which are both mexican (at least in origin). so it's a mix between more common cheeses here and some mexican cheeses that make it palatable to others, I think is the conclusion

i meant to just answer this quickly before editing a classmate's paper, but now I'm invested in cheese names. well. learn something new every day!

[variousqueerthings]

okay I watched good omens s2 yesterday with my partner, and I was genuinely very surprised -- I think if you've grown up through superwholock/merlin/the 100/teen wolf type shows where (with the exception periodically of doctor who) you kind of had to make up the good show that something could have been in your head, that colours a lot of your viewing, and to be honest I thought season 1 of good omens was a fine little piece, honoured the book while modernising it somewhat, it was a nice, fun, low stakes time, with a couple of things I might have wanted a tad different but nothing overall awful.

so I was seeing all this meta and gifsets and discussion, while I was waiting to give s2 a watch with my partner and thought "ah, people have made up the good show in their heads again" not that I assumed s2 was going to be a bad show, but that people were taking extra deep plunges into possibilities, the way fandom does, and that was fine. I knew there was a big ol kiss, I had a sense of some kind of argument at the end, and that it was setting up a s3

I also knew that mainstream reviews were calling it (politely) self-indulgent and dependent on whether or not you enjoy david tennant and michael sheen having a good time for just under 6 hours

all in all, expectations of a somewhat mainstream show without too much to think about, a nice, fun low stakes time, moving on...

(EDIT: AND THEN I WROTE A LOT OF WORDS SO YOU CAN IMAGINE THAT MY REACTION WAS QUITE DIFFERENT)

as it turns out it seems these things that were being written on tumblr were discussing the actual text of the show and not things you could extrapolate if you squinted and tilted your head a little to the left as I'm so used to doing, so in fact there is much to think about!

and my first thought was "this is like when you read early discworld books that ask a question like a joke, only to find that over time the answer to that question becomes very serious (and also can be funny at times of course)." how terry pratchett would pick and pick at tropes and notions and social ideas and go "oh now hold on, this seems strange..." starting way back when he thought it was odd that women warriors always seemed to be dressed in metal bikinis and then realising he hadn't done a good enough job of subverting the trope, simply by depicting it and calling it a bit silly

why do goblins always get treated as the villains? what's with this divine succession of kings business? where are the female dwarfs? who do we treat as disposable?

good omens season one went: "haha what if heaven and hell were intensely incapable, bureaucratic, corrupt, and uncaring of the work they did, and we took an angel and a demon and had them actually care? wouldn't that be... a bit silly?" (and it was)

good omens season two went: "what are the consequences for caring when the people who have power over you are incapable, bureaucratic, corrupt, and uncaring? what are the forces that supersede systems built on fear, ignorance, and violent conformity? can people change and break out of/challenge/break down these structures by caring?"

and this was set up with a neat little sleight of hand (to reference aziraphale's switch-and-bait in the episode with the nazi zombies), because the majority of season 2 does feel a bit indulgent: hey, remember those two wacky angel-and-demon characters? watch some more wacky things they did through the ages, watch them take a sojourn through 1827 Edinburgh and do a magic show during the Blitz, and... stop the death of Job's and Sitis' children (actually maybe that whole segment ought to have been what they call "A Clue")

see them try to figure out a kooky mystery, all the while setting up a cute little same-gender romance on their street. watch as everything points towards a happy ending that's all about the two of them realising what they've been to one another all these thousands and thousands (and thousands and thousands) of years- but hold on. lest we forget - and the show has made this point over and over - there are powerful people who control them, who hurt them, and who plan on hurting others, throughout the whole season, and as it turns out they know what they've been to one another for far far longer, and know how to pull their strings...

season 2 then, has to show us these things, not because they're indulgent (well, maybe occasionally, but the apology dance is still important), but because in order to make the ending a tragedy, we first need to understand, properly, the impact that they have had on each other. we need to understand that Aziraphale relied heavily on Crowley to be his moral compass and leaned on black-and-white thinking in order to deal with things, because if it's all grey then where does he fit and what has it all meant and heaven has to be the good guys, even as Job's and Sitis' children are ordered to be killed, it's all he ever had...

and Crowley was always an anchor, needed to trust that Aziraphale was different, needed to bend to every whim that Aziraphale has, because otherwise what's his worth in all this? After having been already deemed worthless by the heaven that Aziraphale needs to believe in?

and that, simplistically described, is the narrative that we're seeing in s2, and alongside that the ways that the changes they have upon each other are noticed, and monitored, and placed under suspicion, and finally... broken up, not by the clumsy, brute force that's been attempted over and over again, but by a promise to return into a violent, controlling system and to "make it better from within"

and all of this is wrapped up in two queer relationships + a third queered-within-the-text relationship that creates the inverse of how it ends for Aziraphale and Crowley (so far). queer love -- whatever shape that has -- is explicitly the shape of non-conformity within this narrative, including within the symbolism of angel-and-demon love of Gabriel and Beelzebub, which in the context of the systems created is considered queer (and one can argue till the cats come home about casting cis actors, about angel-and-demon notions of gender/romance/sexuality, but the "queerness" comes from building something non-conforming to the systems they exist in), and enforced by the explicitly our-world-definition-of queer romance that Nina and Maggie have going on (which, while less high stakes, still contains the background controlling relationship that Nina initially is in)

all of this to say, that I disagree that s2 meanders, or that plotlines happen for the sake of showcasing Aziraphale and Crowley without purpose, or that characters get sidelined (I'd say it sets up a whole host of interesting characters to further get into actually), or that it's strictly mainstream easy-access narrative that's just an excuse for the main creators and actors to get back together.

the love is the point, and this show takes its time to show the love (and the unequal boundary-setting, and the fact that one of them has an undiscussed tragic backstory, and the desperation to belong again, and the fear instilled by oppressive systems, and and and), so that we understand why those last 15 minutes happen the way that they do

it's sleight of hand, and like all good magic, you don't notice until it's happened

[waitmyturtles]

THE MORNING AFTER: ONLY FRIENDS, EPISODE 2 ("I PROMISED YOU THE MOONSHINE") EDITION

Being a day late to watching and writing about Only Friends allows me a little airspace away from the gasps and dopamine of the collective community first watch of each episode, and lemme tell ya -- my dash yesterday was so hot, it was like melting Tupperware on a stove. Unfortunately for many in the fandom, the ships are going to sink. That shower scene got some folks wrecked. Many folks on my dash have a sudden disdain for Neo Trai (poor kiddo). For anyone who reads around here, you might remember my implored begging of the Tumblr family to watch Gay OK Bangkok before Only Friends premiered, and I still stand by it. The Only Friends team -- Jojo Tichakorn, Ninew Pinya, writers Den Panuwat and Best Kittisak -- are playing with a lot of concepts that I thought were just FABULOUSLY explored in this second episode, and these concepts ARE going to lead to further innuendos and endings that the shippers are just not going to like. (I think GOKB primed us for this.) And frankly, by the way this episode played out (as we were talking about a couple days ago, @lurkingshan) -- I think that's a hell of a point that the team is making in our faces.

I'm going to get to this more in a moment. Let me explain more, by way, of all things (!) -- plum wine.

So a bunch of us meta clowns (cc @ranchthoughts, @chickenstrangers, @lurkingshan) were talking about a theory I had on Friday regarding the theme of ephemerality in the first episode. How Cheum indicated to Mew that there's a lot in Thailand that'll bring them down, from pollution to radiation. She wanted Mew to nab Top -- she indicated that life is fickle, so what did her homeboy have to lose? Go get yer man, she said.

@ranchthoughts, @chickenstrangers, @lurkingshan and I took this conversation further yesterday (please read all the reblogs on this link, folks, it's a great conversation!), exploring the many more references to the ephemeral, fickle nature of time and life that Only Friends is referencing. @chickenstrangers clocked that Yo's bar is called YOLO. @ranchthoughts clocked that Sand's bag of plum wine read "you only live once." @lurkingshan noted that Jojo's played around with the ephemeral before -- in Gay OK Bangkok, examining the impact of HIV on Bangkok's gay male population.

The reblogs of the post linked above also capture some common mentalities about the "future" for our current crop of young folks today (I... am not young, lol), particularly for the young queer community. That through climate change, the slow-snail-paced fight for equity (like the legalization of same-sex marriage in Thailand) (and even comparing it to the roll-back of rights for the LGBTQ+ community in the States) -- as @ranchthoughts wrote, there seems to be a stronger sense of "live fast, die young," among younger cohorts than when I was a young lass, born in the 1980s, when a middle management career could get you everything you needed, with a unfettered retirement in sight.

To me, the most wrenching references to the ephemeral in this second episode focused on death. "Do you want us to die?," Sand asked laughingly as Ray played around in the car. Top can't sleep alone because after a childhood trauma, he's afraid he'll die alone. Ray's deceased mom is shown with a glass in her hand.

And how are these young folks behaving? In the face of literal death, as they themselves are referring to it: they're living life very riskily. Top's a player. So is Boston. We hope they're playing safe. (Gay OK Bangkok had condoms all over the place. I haven't seen any yet in OF.) Ray's blood alcohol levels are clearly through the roof. Sand's committing a crime.

Say what now? Committing a crime?

I hope folks clocked that. What's REALLY making me shake my head is how slick the non-sexual commentary was in this episode.

Going back to my original post on ephemerality that I let loose on Friday: I talked about the metaphor of plum wine and the passage of time -- how plum wine tastes sweeter and better as you let it age.

Sand was pissed that his bottles of plum wine broke because he's making it himself. That's why he wanted Ray to pay him back for the lost supply. Sand lost both product AND time.

Making and selling plum wine is illegal in Thailand. It's like the selling of rotgut during Prohibition.

SAY WHAT? For real. Thailand's laws around alcohol are wild, y'all. The display of alcohol logos is weirdly regulated (I laugh at how bottles are often blurred out in Thai dramas), brewing alcohol within Thailand is insanely complicated (some people brew alcohol in Thailand, then bottle it elsewhere and import it BACK into Thailand to skirt these laws), and -- you cannot buy alcohol from 2 pm to 5 pm.

Remember we saw Ray sneaking some sips from a flask outside the hostel site? That's a major flag for confirmed alcoholism (drinking alone during the day). But also, if Ray wanted a drink during the hours of 2-5 pm -- he had to have the booze on himself to have a tipple.

We know Jojo does NOT shy away from political commentary. We saw it in spades during Dirty Laundry.

What I love about Jojo's work is that he's unafraid to call out the hypocrisy of these kinds of laws. The making of plum wine is ILLEGAL? In Japan, making umeshu is traditional. (It's also the easiest and most delicious thing ever, please try making it!). For many of us around the world, making umeshu is a hobby, and a perfectly safe one at that. Considering Thailand's economy is so dependent on tourism, and that Bangkok itself is a world-class city, you would think that the selling of alcohol wouldn't be so complicated, and yet... 'tis.

This leads me to what I saw as the second Big Theme of this episode, besides ephemerality: I saw a lot of hypocrisy in this episode.

We got the liquor laws bullshit. We got Boston. Boston strikes me as a hypocrite for setting up his friend Mew with Top -- all while Boston's still wanting to get with Top, to the point of sneaking into Top's shower.

And Mew strikes me as a hypocrite, too. He wants to "redo" the start of his relationship with Top?... on his own terms? So, they're not boyfriends anymore? After already....having dated? Believable, my dude. The guys are in a PatPran-esque battle of... something, and I don't think it's wits, because neither of them seem to have many wits about them. They seem to be more interested in just winning a goal that (except for sex for Top) seems wholly unclear. Does Mew not know that Top may very well NOT respect Mew? Is Mew aware that his read on Top may not be at all accurate? And.... does Mew actually care? I'm not convinced of it.

Live fast, die young. What does it matter to be a hypocrite if the future is unstable, if time is speeding by -- and if no one is holding these young folks accountable for their behavior, as I put into the tags of @ranchthoughts's post yesterday? As Nick says to Boston: "you're a rich guy -- you don't care much for things." What, exactly, would make these rich kids care about being ethical human beings?

Accountability is around the corner for this group. Nick is starting to catch feelings. Boston is wondering why he's getting rejected by Top. Sand's recognizing that Ray's sniffing out something between them (cc @neuroticbookworm) (and, who knows, as NBW first referenced in her post -- Sand might be catching feelings, too). All of these friends -- it's mindblowing! -- leave Ray alone, often, wasted off his ass, to get himself home, as Sand himself notes.

These characters are going to get hurt, and it's only a matter of time until we begin seeing it happen. At the micro-level, human to human, they will hurt each other. And society, Thai society, is doing these young people no favors by not helping to equalize the inequity between rich and poor -- as Sand has to take risks to sell illegal hooch, of all things, to just get by.

Wrapping this up with what I was mentioning up at the top about the jibbles that the fandoms are starting to feel towards the established GMMTV ships of this show slowly sinking. Isn't there a bit of hypocrisy there as well? This show is NOT going to be pretty for the ForceBook/FirstKhao established ships. What are we, as fans, going to do when that time comes? Will we condemn Jojo? Will we stop watching the show? Will we equivocate by way of blaming other characters?

This show should be celebrated already for the risks it's taking, and the risks it will take. (Remember: fans protested at the GMMTV building in 2019 when the KristSingto ship was broken for He's Coming To Me.) Only Friends deciding to take on the toxicity and hypocrisy of shipper fandom? Bring it on. We cannot only enjoy the performances of these actors when they're paired up with one repeating partner. As the life of Gay OK Bangkok depicted, as the life of Only Friends is depicting -- life is a whole lot more complicated than just a dreamlike, over-organized monogamy between two people (ahem, Mew). Life -- and TIME -- will bring complications and change, sometimes unwanted change, that we have to learn to handle and manage. I'm not colored surprised in the least that Jojo's making this experience for us jump out of the screen and into our own hearts, as we see our beloved actors take risks upon themselves by their breaking of their own ships. I am all here for it, and I hope the shipper fans can be, too.

(BIG UPS to the small meta army family -- @ranchthoughts, @lurkingshan, @chickenstrangers, @neuroticbookworm -- I'm so thrilled to continue being thoughtful with y'all!)

[fitzrove]

Ugh!!!!!

The quote about Rudolf writing to Stéphanie about wanting to shoot Wilhelm (or more accurately: "I would only invite Wilhelm [if i were to] to eliminate him in an elegant hunting adventure" - the letter was about Rudolf inviting the Prince of Wales to hunt with him out of genuine friendship, while Wilhelm was in Vienna but left out. It is bitching, not a threat) seems to come from Hamann's Rudolf bio. However, she cites "Belovar, 12 Sept. 1888. Stephanie, 117" (= the letter was sent from Croatia in September 1888). But that letter actually goes as follows:

In September my Uncle Edward, Prince of Wales, came on a visit to Vienna—which imposed further, but not unwelcome, burdens on the Crown Prince. My husband wrote to me as follows from Croatia: “BELOVAR, September 12, 1888 DEAR STEPHANIE, “At length I can write to you once more. During the last few days I really had not a moment to spare. On the 9th I had to represent the Emperor at the exhibition in Wels. On the 10th the Prince of Wales arrived, and I had to look after his reception, Yesterday and the day before there were great dinner-parties; then a visit to the exhibition in the Prater, a shooting-match, calls, etc. I am very tired, and long for a rest. We left Vienna yesterday evening, and got here early this morning. Great reception, frightful racket, all just as it was in Agram, and no end of bustle. To-morrow and the day after there are manoeuvres. Then I am going back to Vienna, and immediately afterwards to Orth. On the 17th to Potocki in Galicia. When are you coming back to Vienna? Wales is going to Rumania, and then to Gérgyeny. He is in great fettle, wants to see everything, and will not allow himself to be left out in the cold. Nothing seems to tire the old boy. “Your loving Coco.”

I checked the English and German editions of the Stephanie bio (Internet Archive and Project Gutenberg respectively) and neither of them seem to actually contain the Wilhelm quote, only the text of the letter as I've copied above :/ Depressing!!! Where does it come from, then?! Hamann cites it word-for-word so confidently, surely it must have come from somewhere... I'm afraid it might be a case of cheating by quoting from a previous secondary source and copying their citation without saying anything - but then again, it would've been easy for her to check since Stéphanie's bio is not exactly a rare book and she uses it so heavily elsewhere. It seems very unlikely that both the 1937 English and 1935 original German editions of Stéphanie's autobiography would have an identical omission of this quote. Where/when would it have then been added in, if it was?!

So, the historicity of the quote is actually inconclusive for now :/

[i-write-some-stuff]

Roommate - csc

Pairing: Seungcheol x reader

Warnings: Swearing, weed use, slight mention of emotional abuse from an ex? Kinda angsty too?

Word count: 1k

A/N: I wrote this short drabble yesterday at work then typed it directly on here, so it hasn't really been edited, I apologize for any typos or mistakes. Also this is very self indulgent I'm having major Cheol feels these days please bear with me lmao

*This is purely a work of fiction. It is in no way meant to represent any idol in any way, shape or form.

✩✩✩✩✩✩✩

Seungcheol knew exactly where to find you.

You had been living together for over two years now, so when he walked in to see the playlist on the TV, the window to the balcony slightly opened, and the light smoke coming from outside, he knew what was going on. He kept his shoes and jacket on, crossing the living room to reach you.

It was crazy how quickly you guys went from complete strangers to the best of friends. You were a friend of a friend; his roommate had left, and you had fought with yours, which led to them kicking you out. You needed a place to stay, he needed a roommate, and so your common friend introduced the two of you, and you moved in with him within the week. You got along well, having similar habits and routines. If something bothered him, he would tell you, and so did you - most of the time anyway. So you had both agreed that you'd remain roommates for as long as this was working.

In those two years, Seungcheol had also gotten used to your coping mechanisms. He could always tell when something was wrong, because you would gradually close yourself up, and started smoking a little more often, until you broke down completely, and then you'd slowly get back up. He had tried to help you countless times before, but quickly realized that you didn't need him to save you. You just needed him to be there, to listen to you vent until you were ready to move on.

And so that's what he was prepared to do when he stepped outside. He sat down next to you in silence, doing his absolute best to not stare at you, since you knew you didn't like it in those moments. Instead, he focused on the peaceful evening, the sun slowly setting, the noisy city street below, the music softly coming from the opened window. Without a word, you handed him your lit joint, and he took it. When he exhaled the smoke, he felt you take a deep breath.

"[Your ex's name] broke up with me today," you said, and this time he looked at you. Even if you weren't facing him, he could see how puffy and red your eyes were, the somewhat fresh tears on your cheeks, your wet sweater sleeves where your arms rested on your knees. You had been crying for a while, he could tell. "Over text," you added, and all the restraint Seungcheol was trying to show was gone in an instant.

He had never like the guy. He always had a weird energy to him, always giving Seungcheol the impression that he couldn't care less about you or your friends, or about anything regarding your life. You had fought with him more than once, and Seungcheol had tried to keep you away from him, but you'd always go back. Now that the ties were broken, Seungcheol would finally be able to speak his mind to the asshole.

"What kind of fucking baby breaks up over text? I'll have a little chat with him later, believe me," he said, and you let out the tiniest chuckle. Seungcheol glanced at you, confused.

"I knew you'd choose violence."

"He deserves it, after everything he put you through," Seungcheol said, but you didn't reply, instead reaching for the joint. He gave it back to you, leaning his head on the wall behind him as you took a drag, trying to calm his anger.

"Do you wanna know why I was crying?" you asked, and he frowned.

"Because he broke your heart?"

"Maybe a bit. But I also realized that I'm an absolute idiot-"

"You're not an idiot," Seungcheol immediately argued, but you stopped him before he could add anything.

"Let me finish. I'm an absolute idiot, because I kept going back to the one who hurt me when when the one who loved me was right in front of me."

Seungcheol stopped breathing for a second. He never admitted it to himself, but he did love you. And not just as a good friend. He had feelings for you, but he'd never admit it, because that way, it hurt less to see you go out with other people. He had pushed his feelings away, especially in the last few months, convinced that he wasn't the only one in your friend group to like you. He wasn't one for drama, usually putting other people's feelings before his own. And now he feared he was right, and you would tell him you liked someone else. He wasn't sure his heart would take it.

"I guess they're right when they say love makes you blind," is what he replied to your statement, taking a longer drag of the blunt that had found its way between his fingers again.

"Seungcheol," you said, and he turned to you. You never used his full name. "I mean you. You've been there all along and I've been too stupid to see how good we are together."

Seungcheol's brain stopped working. He stared at you with wide eyes, his lips parted in a shocked expression. The feelings were scrambling in his heart, words tumbling as he struggled to find his voice.

"How'd you know?" he asked quietly.

"I didn't. Everyone kept telling me you liked me, and I kept saying you didn't, probably because I didn't want to admit that I liked you too. So I guess now we both know," you explained.

Seungcheol blinked, staring at you in disbelief. Your words suddenly clicked in his brain, and he leaned towards you. His hand found the back of your head, his lips gently finding yours. They were puffy and salty from all the tears you had shed, and Seungcheol promised himself he would never let anyone hurt you again.

[humanmorph]

PALISADE 28.crazy good this week etc

New radio person for the intro...! This comes at a good moment. I still miss Baldwin Home like. That very first PALISADE intro is genuinely so hard to beat... but this feels good. I'm once again thinking about Austin writing these... The style used for Black Screens intros obviously shines through (she's his protégé) but she does have her own voice already (way more rhyming? I mean, I'd have to doublecheck HIS intros, it's literally just a feeling). Just the tone used and intonation already does a lot. Austin is so good at this fr. I'm still curious how he even approaches that. Also the "watch me unloose 80 Ls on these next lines" I knewwww that's 80 Ls for real as soon as Parti said illogical. I wonder if he wrote that bit first trying to see how many Ls he could fit in there & then finetuned it to get to a good number? I guess that's just how I would do it.

(who knows if we'll ever get a description for Parti. we never did for Black. maybe if she shows up in a conflict turn somehow? so im just fuckin around for now... i haven't sold myself on the clothes. i'm just not a fashion guy. but i do like the braids)

Oh & new guy alert part 2!!! New Keith character! And he has a funny hat. Not even funny as in goofy it just makes me laugh a bit because my dad and maybe every 5th 70+ y/o man I see has a hat like that. Love the sequin poncho.

(btw I am almost certain Keith has posted a picture of that teapot on Cohost before... He posts about tea sometimes so there's at least a chance. I mean the description of the coloring he gives is actually pretty good IMO, you can work with that, but I as an artist I like to have a visual reference. EDIT: someone just asked him. thank you keith and also rosecrest)

I have the. I got Armor Astir & a lot of the playbooks other people made in a bundle a while back and I'm real torn if I should just look at the Investigator because I'm really curious. But. I also love to be surprised. So I probably won't, but it's good to know I COULD, if I wanted to. Anyways, I was pretty sure it'd be another B-Plot character too, just because it makes sense. Brnine COULD go alone on a B-Plot, I guess, but it's more fun with 2 groups to jump between, surely. Though this means the Eclectic-Brnine dynamic is crucial! I hope they can meet up soon... But yeah I just really am gonna miss Phrygian backing them up and cheering and clapping and asking questions. They were so fun together... A great team :' (

ok so I wrote everything else about Eclectic down yesterday & then noted down "vibes?" as break between paragraphs because all I had at that point was the description & I wanted to get back to this. And ooohhh my god the vibes are fucking immaculate right off the bat I'm having a hard time to not Already be obsessed with this guy he's SO funny conceptually and it KEPT getting better... Truly delighted with this new type of guy (& Keith is doing a voice!). And I fucking love the hooks. Truly so great to me. The thought of these getting loosened OR deepened is already really really good. "Leap says"..... oh it's SO funny I keep laughing to myself

And I'm VERY excited it's a delegate like genuinely so happy. I was mourning the loss of a branched onscreen (okay.I still am) but this does make it worth it. Ever since they got introduced basically I so badly wanted to know anything more about them, but especially what Austin mentioned in the episode itself: the delegates relationships to the divines they are made from & of course the divines themselves (who are alive!!! Apparently that was already written in a dossier way back when, but I rarely read those). That has me sooo excited.

Oh and the like... I only thought about this just now but the connection there to Thisbe's new project is. That's gotta be something! "The divine who's being held captive somewhere on this planet, and has been tortured for millennia" hearing a message of... That this can end & rest is possible and it's SO CLOSE? But does that just make it worse... Ohhhhh. Yeah this rules. What a great idea.

That project generally is really... god, I love Thisbe so much. I love how Janine talks about her and what she thinks and why she does what she does. Thisbe's relationship to work and being a tool and of use is so interesting to put here, with the divines wanting to rest. (And Janine saying something like... Thisbe thinks of herself in relation to divines how Mow is to her? Kind of?) And saying it seems so solitary a project... every divine should know about it. Every divine deserves the right to rest. But it's also a call to action of sorts when she talks about like... "shouldn't you want to protect this?" I think her "Fighting is not my purpose, but there is nowhere else for me until the fighting is over." hook could be in conservation here too... Also I'm just looking forward for Thisbe to Broadcast again. It was like, one of her things in PARTIZAN. I really liked her & Cori working on this together with the. Experience they just had behind them. Sylvi & Janine reading the hooks for each others characters kind of sheepishly was soooo funny "I forgot how bitchy this was!". That's good stuff to me. (as an aside: god, Thisbe has always had good as hell hooks/beliefs/whatever else. Remember "Operant Broun lies to me because they believe I am a person."? Banger. ) I also love that she thought of this/about this at the rib(?) of Barricade. Barricade as an axiom who had this close (& good, protective) relationship with another axiom...

btw now that Leap is NOT coming back I do miss him a bit. Mostly out of principle like I am So happy we have Eclectic but Leap is my guy.... shoutout to him... being a bitch bastard pirate out there in space... + shoutout to Figure A too always : ) (speaking of, on the Gathering Information Extra bit from today he talked about if he had played Leap, picking a class that also had like, a crew, and I'm mostly just really curious who that would've been. I would love for Keith to make up some funny guys for Leap to order around. I wonder if Eclectic or an Eclectic type would've been on that?)

(Also Leap investigating Motion. Ok. To ME it's at least partly bc this was so important to Millie. And he has reason to be concerned generally he fought Motion too but. That's MILLIE'S rival! And it doesn't even have to be at the front of his mind when he does this. Maybe it isn't. But it's real & it's something to remember her by through actual action. Because he's not the sentimental type.Do you get me.?)

Brnine talk show. This was sooo good. After they joked about it in PAL25 too. I recognized the hosts name, but wasn't quite sure from where until I read the dossier - of course he's that guy from the podcast. God. I have got to relisten to that sometime... I remember Ali on one of the recent Gathering Information ep (the one w/ Austin on, I think) mentioning a conversation that was like. stressful to do. and then also to listen to? (since she has to for production/editing) and I figured it would be another Gucci-type talk but ooohh my god. This was sooo. EDIT: ACTUALLY what if it wasn't even. What if it's about to be this talk with Rye edit: GALLICA i cant believe noone called me on this. mixing my elects up. rye is the one gur killed (mvp). Austin was sounding a bit ominous about it at the end of this episode! HUGE shoutouts to Ali again she is just absolutely killing it this season for real... And I honestly feel like overall Brnine was, considering the situation, doing very well. Genuinely. You're feverish and hollowblooded and have this fucking. Guy needling you & asking the stupidest questions... & like. "You made Kalmeria. They'd never let you rot in jail." of courseeee they want Brnine working for them. They're so GOOD at what they do. They messed with the parts of A Fucking Divine. . I just had a scary thought and it involved Mustard Red. But. Surely not. Nooo. I'm shaking my head. However Arbitrage? An Arbitrage deal (like they tried to make them take before) would work just perfectly for this, wouldn't it...

some other stuff:

When Austin mentioned Grand Mag in that vision Cori had I thought something like 'man. sucks to be him : (' but like. In a genuine way. "I can't stop it from hurting people a little"........... Hah oh wow I just thought of this but I am so excited for people who haven't listened to TM to meet him now. He's not even my favourite he just makes me crazy in a way almost no other character does? Like there's something so WRONG with him. And there's things wrong with a lot of FatT characters but it's like... Well. Grand Magnificent.

I love the thought of them watching Brnines interview at the next movie night (POOR BRNINE.) but I also want to know what Eclectic would pick for movie night. Oh and Partial too. Though he may not be staying I would still really love to know. Partial coming on board for the mission has me intrigued generally.

Oh and Gur talking! Even if just a little. I still feel so bad for them. "I believe in whispers in ears"... and they have reason to now. Figure is a person trying their best to do good & make changes, which is what Gur wants. I just wish they weren't a specter haunting someone elses body & what even happens when Figure rolls a 10+. Is Gur still there and Figure just stops seeing him? oohh it hurts a bit.you can't do this to him you can't (related: I extremely forgot about the other specters and ghosts and ghouls and whatnot that Figure can also see. It's not just my friend Gur Sevraq. Looking forward to hear more about that & how it affects Figure so much as to roll with disadvantage!)

Love to learn just a little more about devotion. I really need to just relisten to that again & think about it a bit harder.

At one point Austin says "Still flanked by guards, you are" and it caught me off guard & made me wheeze. He didn't even do that on purpose . I get him I do this way too often(realize I forgot to say part of a sentence and pack it at the end)

[definitelynotaminion]

After four solid years of working on this series, here we are! Finally at the finish line! All that's left is Day 31: wildcard, so I'm super stoked and wanting to include my friends in this since they've supported me along this cracky, cracky journey...

I had to write sporadically since even I, prince of porn, must be in a certain headspace to write smut in general, much less kinky, filthy smut.

I started this series on October 02, 2020. On Ao3, the "Kinktober is 20/20" series, where I've been grouping these fics, is 82,269 words. I created a new pseud for this series, so that readers could differentiate my more serious works from the shameless hentai. I tested myself, wrote to the fullest extent of the kink, tested the boundaries of what's hot and what's not, and decided to be utterly shameless. Some pieces I love. Some, I can't believe I wrote, let alone published.

It's been a great, wonderful time.

From what was meant to be a series of unrelated one-shots exploring depravity, a number of actual series emerged.

A crumb or more - Where I joke that someone holding Sasuke down and fucking some sense to him might have prevented him from leaving the village, and then write Time travel!Sakura to do just that-- only it turns out surprisingly wholesome, with ot3 team seven time skip as a sequel. Astonishingly one of my favorite verses

King of the World (if I wanna be)- A series where Izuku gets a sex quirk. Stunningly, this is not a unique phenomenon for kinktober. I wrote more than one universe where Deku gets a DIFFERENT sex quirk. Amazing. In this series, he has a subtle mind control/hypnosis quirk that's like a "notice-me-not" spell, projecting an aura of "nothing to see/be concerned about" that lets him get into all sorts of mischief. It also serves to explain why Kacchan is Like That™-- literal years of being exposed to an uncontrolled "don't worry about it" quirk that prevents him from worrying about the consequences of his actions. It has six fics and is 23,447 words.

Love on top (baby it's you)- A two-part series where Sasuke is actually trans and not just Magically Given a Pussy for my own enjoyment (and yours).

Puppy Plays- Probably one of the most depraved series to come out of this experiment. MIND THE TAGS if you go here. When I wrote the first fic, I had to be cajoled for days to actually post it. When I wrote the sequel the day before yesterday, I posted it without any editing so I could hurry up and do my college homework, utterly unashamed. It's puppy play and it's noncon, Bakudeku (Dark Izuku).

And most recently, Konoha "Omega Verse" (Team Hole), which is not actually alpha/beta/omegaverse. It's just a free use/sex AU where one member of each team is designated as free use/fuck whenever and explores the social reality and worldbuilding of such a dynamic. Naturally, I chose Sasuke. For spice, the team omega uses a jutsu to give them a vagina, and any non-vagina-owners on the team use the reverse to get a dick. This keeps things nice and simple for the "use a member of your team like a flesh light for stress relief" agenda.

Describing these is wild. It's kinktober, though. Kinktober's gonna kink!

Aside from the series that developed, there are a number of one shots that were actually good. My personal favorite is probably the Shikamaru fic where everything actually is safe, sane and consensual-- all the way through a gangbang where he gets to be a pillow princess.

Honorable mentions: the Sakura/Hinata fic where Hinata is jealous of ot3 team seven and Sakura shows her a good time; my first foray into actual omegaverse, with Kiribaku (cute); these two hot wing (dabi/hawks) fics that actually have really nice writing and icarus vibes; an actually wholesome bakudeku fic where they're pro heroes and pass OFA back and forth with bloody kisses after a fight; and some post-canon wholesome team seven ot3 where they'd rather make out then go to a dinner party.

-

Now: the wildcard space. I've considered continuing one of the favorite series. I've considered finding a different kinktober prompt-list and finding one that wasn't represented in my original list. I've considered making a poll of entirely friend/tumblr submissions of ideas.

I want it to be fun! But also a big finale to wrap up this series I've spent four years of my life on. I feel like it has to be so kinky, so ridiculous, and so much fun that it neatly showcases what kinktober's all about-- or at least, what it has been all about, for me.

In light of that, and me still decided, feel free to send in ideas-- ship ideas, opinions, random thoughts, kinks you'd like to see, a kink I already used that you'd like to see more of--- the sky's the limit. I just want to do this with the input of the people who have read and enjoyed the series, and the input of my friends who have supported me along the way. And thrown things at me. And squealed. And blushed. You know who you are.

[desultory-novice]

I haven't had the chance to do it yet, but do you know if the Japanese pause screens or text in RTTDDX contain any lore that, by chance, didn't appear in the english translations? I ask because I just remembered when Star Allies did the same thing with Void Termina's jp pause screen. (I wish I could relive that day, lol)

I'm sorry, Inifinite! I actually had this post ready to go a while ago but Tumblr kept borking on me and I eventually shelved it because I was so annoyed by it crashing mid-edit! Finally came back to it because this is a very good question!

-

So, I only looked at the ones I had screenshots of, but I want to start out by saying the Pause Screen translation here is without question more accurate than previous games. This is FL levels of accuracy - the only differences being very minor word choices. As such, I've gone ahead and stuck with the EN descriptions here and "added back" (via parenthesis) anything that could be said to have been "left out" from the Japanese!

----

[Master Crown] (The resurrected crown of control has become a mistletoe tree (1) bearing red fruit) Those who wear the Master Crown will gain power, but so will the darkness in their hearts. Thanks to the red fruit, it's become a wrathful wreath-a destroyer called the tree crown without a ruler!

-

(1) The word for "mistletoe tree" can also be read in Japanese as "host tree" because mistletoe is a parasite!

-

[Master Crown; Last Phase] To free the tree (from the bindings (2) of control) and bring an end to the destruction... To take responsibility for his wicked ways... With all of his magic infused into the sword, he must strike! Magolor must atone for his misdeeds!

-

(2) The full kanji here would typically be 呪縛 - "curse" + "restriction" but "curse" and "tree" are sound-alikes, so they left the "curse" kanji off, meaning it CAN be read as "bound tree"

-

[Magolor Soul - True Arena Phase 1] The one-eyed wreath grants power but swallows the soul... It devours, stealing any sense of self... Truly, this crown rules all. Free him from this nightmare! Take his hand and save a new friend!

-

This one is...basically as is. Anything would just be word choice nitpicks, but to be honest, I don't even have that many. The biggest one would be that the Japanese says "...become friends!" rather than "save a new friend" but "new" implies that they're going to become friends, so yeah. It's the same

-

[Magolor Soul - True Arena Phase 2] Kirby... Ugh! I hate having to rely on you, and your vacant stare when I revealed my grand plan was truly insulting. Well, let's see if you can break this thing on my head. If you can, then someday...hee hee heee...I may get to toy with you again!

-

I wrote my alternate translation as well as my reasonings for it and what this translation does well in another post [HERE!]

-

[Magolor EX] It was in a dusty(4) tome that Magolor first learned about that legendary item. It all sounded like a fairy tale, until he (miraculously) found the Lor and began scheming. It's time to save the universe, Lor...and Magolor!

-

(4) "Dusty" is an elaboration on the EN part but definitely not a stretch. One thing that is different is that "legendary item" is absolutely PLURAL in Japanese. Meaning he learned about everything through those same books. Presumably, this includes the artifacts he tells Kirby about, including the Fountain of Dreams and Galactic Nova.

-

[Magolor Soul EX] (A battle that exceeded all limits caused the limitless power of the Master Crown to overflow without stop.) What remains of Magolor is a sad shell. He's possessed by the limitless power of the Master Crown, imprisoned by the hatred and obsessions of prior rulers. Now...defeat it and free Magolor's soul!

-

I mentioned in a post just yesterday that it was implied the Master Crown kinda went berserk because of Magolor and Kirby's fight and the pause screen lore does seem to play into that interpretation. It was definitely dangerous, but the fight is what caused it to overflow and consume Magolor? Of course, something like that seems like it was bound to consume him eventually...

-

[Lor EX & Magolor]

Lor sensed something was amiss when it met Magolor. It can travel to far-off paradises with ease...so why didn't it? Perhaps it hid its true power, wanting to be stopped after (3) stealing the crown...

-

(3) Another fine translation; what's most interesting here is word used here in Japanese can also be interpreted as "being made a pawn to retake/recapture the crown"  The key being "recapture" rather than "steal"

There's some mysteries about Magolor this game has given us. (Gotta find time to work on my Magolor essays... Plural...)

[rennyji]

the art of conversation - random dark side of things

I had my cell phone on me between 2:15 and 2:30 PM on Tuesday January 30, 2024, a period of time where there was a verbal exchange between my father and me.

For the hackers not relying on hacking my brain, my phone's mic was available for hacking. I'm going to assume, at this point, they listen all day. I also conversed in English. It gets confusing in this regard. If I want a show for troubled kids or American hackers of some sort, to hear me, I'd converse in English. If I'm talking to my parents, I speak in their tongue.

When my intention is for my parents to understand me, wouldn't it be delusional of me to speak in English, thinking something else might want in on my conversation?

But going back to the conversation with my father:

The conversation ended with my father saying "the greatest grief is depending on those like you..." in his native dialect.

These conversations always leave me with the sensation of WTF?!

They literally, are so random, and of an escalating nature, that it leaves you dumfounded. I think the stress is impacting their mental health, in this situation snowballing, without correction of them, over more than a decade. At the end of the conversation, to make it seem like everything's good in the house, I'm assuming he has me send texts to him about a job position I'm interested in, like it replaces everything that transpired. I say this because the last half hour is like a musical with highs and lows. There are so many low points, this request to help me find a job, again seems random, as it's not in tune with the theme or preceding atmosphere of the house.

So What happened, how'd things start?

My father, years ago, decades ago, wrote three 50 page books in his native dialect. Someone emailed him a copy, and he wanted to make corrections on printed paper. Now, he writes in his corrections on printed paper, vs. highlighting/notating in Microsoft Word. He then wants me to scan his single "X" like comments/remarks on a across 50 pages.

As are his usual requests of me, he asks something slow, painful, and time consuming: he wants me to scan 50 or more pages on our normal printer, through a computer that is malfunctioning. I agree and say I will do it. I tell him I have a more efficient way of scanning, one that is clear and fast with my phone. I've been telling him since yesterday, I can unite all the pages into a single PDF file, after scanning on my phone. There's so much you can do on the iPhone 14 and above now. I edit videos on it, instead of my actual MacBook.

He doesn't feel my method, in his computer illiterate mind, is efficient. It's not about getting free jabs at dad, but this kind of dialogue between him and me is so common, we live in the same house and we barely talk. To the scanning occurring on the phone, He literally says, "it looks small on your phone", maybe you should use the scanner or the printer.

He has it fixed in his mind, that the printer is better, despite me telling him otherwise.

I tell him, it's obviously because it's on my phone; that's why it looks small. I tell him on the computer, the size is relative, or it will look big.

I tell him that I'll email the file scanned on my phone, to his email, and he can see how it looks on the computer. And if there is any problem, I offered to rescan everything his way. What more can I do?!

With me extending a hand, offering to do things twice over, does it make sense, for him to say at the end of the ordeal, "Its my greatest grief depending on you"? Usually these sentiments are my "Actual" sentiments towards him. His accusations of problems are also reverse. Usually something wrong he sees in me, is a projection of a problem on his part. It is the craziest thing. It's the same thing with my mother. Troubled kids show or not, I know the orchestrators see this absolute circus. Distressed with utter nonsense they realize, they continue with attacking me. They need a desperate way of making me look ill, having realized, against all odds, against all probability, that my parents-not saying this out of vengeance-are not well or well enough to converse about a serious situation. What do they have riding on all this? My mother might have her job as a nurse practitioner looking bad. My dad, who thinks by running a grocery store in the Indian community, is seen as a prominent businessman and people will frown on him or think it questions his intelligence.

But what happened after my offer to rescan everything? My father says the pdf file will only look big on his desktop computer, because the monitor is big. He says the people he's emailed the novel to, is another country. He claims their monitors may not be big and they can't see the file, if I scan it with my paid TurboScan on my phone. These kind of nonsensical beliefs, end up becoming things you have to explain away.

The more to explain, the more the conversation drags out, the more opportunities for saying mean things to each other.

Then I see my father putting his hand to his head, looking watery eyed, and I just ask him, "what did I do? What's wrong?"

Then the accusations come snowballing. Apparently, according to my father, I think my ability to converse, is, literally, "impressive." Apparently, according to him, "other people" don't feel the same way. So now he's alluding to me being pretentious and arrogant.

Then I tell him, all I said was everyone sees a PDF file the same way and that I'm using an advanced scanner app-what's with this random escalating argument?

Then he tells me: I'm saying over and over that the PDF file will work. He starts yelling to stop repeating myself.

I take no pleasure in bashing my dad...but I'm in a bad spot, where things operate without my consent. For some reason, at 35 years of age, my parents are consulted on my behalf. but if you understand the back and forth between my parents and me, it sounds like someone talking to someone who's flat out stupid, or something related to two caveman trying to express a grievance.

If I say anything consecutively about the PDF file, its because of my exclamation: "How is this causing this argument?" Then my father storms off from the computer, saying he doesn't want to look at the file. Somewhere prior to this, he said let's do it tomorrow, because again, he thinks probably my mood is off, today. Going back to storming from the computer, he says to me, stop talking so that I can finish what I'm saying...

Throughout this conversation, there's something I notice about non English speakers. They say "yeah" "yeah" "yeah" over and over when someone else is speaking. It's like some kind of filler. But are they actually listening, or is it a crutch word used in place of listening?

I bring up this repeated word he says, in this random conversation because he claims its his way of agreeing with me. Over what? If its about the PDF file working everywhere, and the Yeahs are about agreeing with me, why is he questioning whether someone with a possibly smaller monitor in another country, will be able to see the file?

These conversations are all over the place. Complete and utter nonsense. It's like when I'm communicating with him, my father hears me talking like Snoopy in the below YouTube clip. All he hears is frustration, sees an irritated face, hears blurred words, and wonders why is my son somehow mean to me?!

On a separate occasion, my father tells me on a Sunday that he's going to throw my stuff out and he's going to sell the house. The things he says are that random. Then my mother jumps in. She starts giving me the crazy eye. I don't know if this is some twist or development to my situation or if they've lost it. They're scaring me. They called 911 on me four times for my conversations escalating like the scanner incident above. Literally over nothing. This time I called. I told 911 my parents are behaving oddly. Since I have a written mental history, the police and ambulances comes after me. When I realized 911 wasn't going to help me, I take my BMW to a coffee shop. What I didn't know was that 911 called my parents back and they told 911 I"m crazy. So that the police know who to target when they arrive, my father comes outside and takes the license plate of my car driving off. WTF?! Over and over What the F*. -----

My mother is a piece of work. Again, no pleasure in saying these things. But over and over, I'm sensing something from my parents: they want to make me look bad, because, they think, like with a child, if you're child looks bad, its better than you, the parent, with an adult life, looking bad. Its part of their warped psychology. When I eat junk food, it sounds like they're yelling to someone that I"m crazy for eating junk food. They react with nasty language like telling me "everything turns to sh*t once in your mouth." They start saying random uncomfortable things like "You make me want to cry when you eat this donut." WTF?! Apparently no one eats like me. Is the cultural difference so bad that they don't comprehend donuts? Years ago, my mother would get me riled up, then she holds her phone and has me react in our native dialect or English. But is anyone hearing what she said to initiate the reaction, on my part?

After years of WTF moments, as you're getting into your 30s in something occurring without your consultation, you're bound to say things like "Ma, What the h*ll is wrong with you?!" When they call 911 stemming from a conversation they won't listen to, you're bound to say "F* you." Flat out. And then the next day, in this psychotic way, they'll ask if I want oatmeal... For using curse words in my unbelievable situation, my parents will say "Who says things like this to their parents?" But then you wonder, are they idiots? Do they realize for 10 years or more, you're in a mind reading situation? Did they forget they sentenced you into a show for troubled kids? Then my mother tells the orchestrators of my situation, and in random emails to my psychiatrist, that I'm being aggressive. Again, it's like the Snoopy video in this post. As scary as it sounds at this point in the game, I think they're just seeing a frustrated face, with a yelling type tone, without actually comprehending the words exchanged.

Because I know something strange is happening, I just go along with this cycle of events. I believe the orchestrators are stitching parts of conversations, oral and written, to benefit their end. No one is speaking to me about what happens to me, so they're confident they can quietly close off what's happening (the situation as a whole), on basis I'm mentally ill, which they further by displaying me lashing out. By depicting me as abused or mentally ill, they want to assure no one every discusses this event happened to me.

I'm getting tired with reliving every horrible moment on this day and in the past, by constantly having to write it/say it, hoping someone gets what's happening, THIS time."

On the dynamic between my mother and me, I don't think my parents comprehend what I'm saying. If I ask my mom, "to make me feel better, can you repeat back what I said?" My mother lashes out" what is this? Are you a school teacher and am I the student?" "is this how you speak to your mother?"

My parents used to think "I'm acting up" or aloof when I'd speak English in the house. The indoctrinated me into our native language as that being my "mother tongue." I realized, if nothing else, I had to speak in that dialect, to get a message across. Not to sound racist, but it's like I"m a guy only speaking English talking to recent immigrants. They'll keep saying Yeah Yeah Yeah to everything and probably aren't the people you direct philosophical ideas to. But moving on, within the last few years, my mother yells at me for speaking in our native dialect. WTF?! again. Over a stretch of time, makes you wonder, who's listening, why encourage English now? In these instances, I tell my mother, I'm talking to YOU, focusing on YOU, want YOU to understand ME. She then lashes out and tells me, she's been speaking English before you were born. It's like another form of teacher/student frustration. Apparently my mother is so well spoken, I'm offending her by speaking in her native dialect. I'm insulting her intelligence. Sounds like the ego of sensitive immigrant.

Other instances while I"m speaking, making me think you're hearing my house/not always seeing m house, my mother starts storming to the garage, midway in a conversation with me, or chopping frozen chicken. If I tell her, people normally sit down or make eye contact when conversing with another, she says "how would you know what's normal?" She'll then say "she can multitask and I'm dysfunctional because I can't talk/listen while doing other things."

I think my situation is not like telling my parents "I'm going to go get a bite to eat" Its something of a very serious nature, spanning years, that requires everyone giving undivided attention.

The next thing to the conversation dynamic? If I say four-5 sentences together, my mother says I let no one speak, I"m going to get in trouble with the Americans at work, this is why apparently "no one" like me....a series of randomness. Where is all this coming from? She then instructs me, "conversation works by one person saying something, and then the other person takes a turn." We spend so much time in frustration, expressing frustration, or talking about the art of conversation, the point of what was initially said, gets lost. Doesn't conversation happen with people fully expressing their point?

I said to my mother on one occasion, don't say incendiary things, learn to ignore things when we're all in the same house. I ask her, do you know what I mean by incendiary? she lashes out because I offended her ego by asking the definition of the word. She basically says you're not my professor to ask me such questions. Its her way of never answering the question.

this show, this mind reading situation, should find people clear of, personal flaws, before having them take reign over someone else's life. If nothing else, the orchestrators should clear possible personality obstacles.

The other mental dynamic to my mother's speech, as well as my father's speech, is that they're in such a rush to speak, that they don't listen to what you have to say. Now this could be personality flaws or the flaws of non native English speaking persons.

But you gotta ask, if they're in a rush to speak, to the point where they make what you say irrelevant, "Why are they in a rush to speak?" Is it for conversation stitching for what's relayed? Is it because they're in trouble, and need to make you look bad, by putting a dark spot on your future, for the sake of keeping their past/present blemish free?

---

You test comprehension after these incidents, adrenaline might fine tune focus ... but is the big picture digested, is the whole situation processed?

---

you want to say the best about those in your life, brag about them. in my probably infamous complaint forms and crime tips from a decade ago, I'd say "Please tell my family and me what's going on...My parents are people who give up basic necessities for my luxuries..." Maybe to spite that, something changed the atmosphere of my home.

At this point, it could be anything. I keep justifying everything like:

maybe my parents have a reason for the atmosphere to the house, maybe the police need to verify my sanity at a behavioral health center...but its been a decade, and I'm tired of making excuses for everyone...I want my freedom. I went to college for a bachelors/masters "so that I can start life." What ended up happening? An enforced delay on me starting life, living life...

[soracities]

i think i have adhd. i've told my parents but i haven't gotten a diagnosis yet. i doubt i will.

there's this teacher i really trust, but i still don't know whether i can tell her or not.

- 15yo anon

(thank you for the kind words. i really do my like my tutor because he helped me get better marks and is proud of me, but ths might be the first time a student of his failed, that's why i'm.... scared)

(cont’d /2 also i live in asia so i'm unsure whether my teacher will believe me or not, or whether she'll call my parents. she is the best teacher i've ever met and i try very hard in her subject, i'm glad she's my class-teacher (homeroom teacher in usa, i think), but i'm still a bit anxious. it's just how things work here.

/3 i once again apologise for the many asks i sent. that being said, my tutor was really angry at me yesterday but today he pulled me aside, asked me the topics i struggled with and then told me that i was a good kid and it would be a shame if i didn't get good marks. that i needed to work a bit harder and that he'll help me with it, and i shouldn't be afraid of asking doubts. i am so encouraged by this that in half an hour, i plan to do math, chemistry and a language i lost most my marks in. there is probably another exam session in two weeks, maximum three. thank you for the support and tolerating all my asks, and hopefully if i send you another ask, it will be three weeks later where i tell you i passed my math exam with good marks!

- fifteen year old anon)

i'm sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but please don't apologise -- i'm so, so, so glad that you came out of that class with a sense of encouragement and that your teacher pulled you aside in the way that he did and offered you support, i really, truly am.

i really don't know what the best way forward for you would be regarding your concerns about having adhd, and i really wish i could offer you more in this: i don't want to overstep the mark, or give advice based on assumptions about the process and how to go about talking about it or reaching out for help because i'm not in any way familiar with what would be best for you where you are: the best i can do is ask that if anyone has ever had any similar concerns or experiences, especially with growing up or living in asia then please do share them if you can (i'm aware "asia" is very vague here; i don't know exactly what part you are from, anon, but it's not something you need to share publicly for your own sake).

i'm really very sorry for all the added stress you went through, especially with your last ask when you fell ill -- given everything you have gone through in such a short amount of time it's not surprising and i'm sorry you had to deal with what you described on top of everything else. i genuinely hope that you are feeling somewhat better now, or if not, then that you are able to recover as soon as possible and that the past few days have been even just slightly kinder to you. you have had so much to deal with, but for what it's worth i'm so proud of you for trying your best through it all even when you are not getting the support you should be. it matters and it counts that you’re trying. i really, really hope you know that.

edit: as i said a few days ago, i will post the messages i got in response to you. hopefully they will mean something for you, even if a few days / a week have passed since you first wrote to me ♡

[amyscascadingtabs]

this is sappy but whatever. i wrote most of this before the season started (which is why i come off as reasonable and somewhat mentally stable about all of this) but felt appropriate to post it now as a thank you. ❤️

i have vivid memories from the night b99 was cancelled. the news came late evening my time, and i had been editing fic and checked twitter and there it was. loud and clear. i don’t remember which site it was but the picture was jake and amy with their wedding cake and that made everything feel even worse.

i remember freaking out even though i had been prepared, because those last days before the news hit on tumblr were... panicked. but i still freaked out to the extent that i ran outside in my pajama pants and hoodie and blue plastic slippers and called my mom, and then i walked up and down the streets where i lived in the darkness and cried in frustration as she tried to talk me down. i remember there were random guys with motorcycles out? but i was too hysterical to care. i’m pretty sure i screamed something to my mom about ”HOW CAN BIG BANG THEORY GET A BILLION SEASONS BUT THIS SHOW GETS CANCELLED????”

i know everyone who was in the fandom at the time has their cancellation story. what played the biggest part in mine was the fact that i felt like i hadn’t had enough time. really, i had only just become active in the fandom, only just started interacting with people on here and writing my first few fics, but i was absolutely loving it. it was giving me happiness again after a long period of emptiness and depressive feelings. when it was cancelled, what made me feel the worst was the fact that i’d had so little time – to make friends, write fic and react to episodes together. i felt deeply jealous of everyone who’d gotten more.

thinking about it coming to an end now has made me remember that night and those feelings of jealousy. because i did get more time. i got three more years. that night, i remember asking for just one, for a half, for anything, and i got three years.

and these three years have been a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and episodes and debates and discussions and gifsets and fanfic and asks and having this as my safe space while pretty much everything changed around me in the outside world, and i just want you all to know that i have never taken a single day of them for granted. this show could have been taken from me before i’d ever gotten the chance to grow with it and alongside it, and instead it was part of my life for three whole years.

i have a really, really good memory (four time quiz champion anyone? just me?okay <3), and i remember so much of it in such detail, and it's so weird to think about how long it's been when it also feels like yesterday.

i remember my first comment on peraltiago parenting experience, my first episode-related fic, the insane high after the renewal, staying up all night to watch the wedding live. i remember writing fanfiction on the beach while on vacation in greece, on a plane to berlin, at home on my parents balcony late late at night. i remember the honeymoon episode title being released, s6 starting filming again, the excitement over every little piece of news and finding about the cast directing. i remember labor fic and christmas fics and when i scroll back to pictures of my paris trip in january 2019 it's interspersed with a billion pictures of andy at the golden globes. i remember lighting my fairy lights in my little basement room and watching season 6 in bed at 2.30 am if it was a big episode, and watching it in the morning before fridays in high school most days. i remember writing post-ep fics during classes and on my phone on subways and trains. i remember the s7 news, and the casecation nerves and debates, and fucking kissgate. being named "the class amy santiago" by my friends when we graduated and getting a little silver paper plate to show for it. i remember the first fic exchange and inventing julian and simon santiago and i remember meeting @johnny-and-dora and eating wagamamas in manchester and talking about how simon santiago was DEFINITELY on the stairs and buying a little fake plant that i named andy plantberg (he's still in a box somewhere). i remember writing fic during slow hours in the ice cream shop i worked at. moving and putting up my framed b99 poster in my own apartment (very much still up). finding out about trying and everyone going fucking crazy. infertility fic. melissa's pregnancy news. s7 promo and standing outside my job the very first day and texting siân "AMY HAS TO PEE!!!!!???" because that was in the promo and we knew there were pregnancy tests involved in the first episode. the crazy happiness of s7 finally premiering. everyone going crazy about jake and amy deciding to start trying and how i could quote the scene verbatim the next few days. the week leading up to trying, what turned out to be the last normal week before the pandemic. the fucking MESS i was after that. the following week and ding dong and crying with happiness. being dizzy with hyperfixation joy the following day and barely feeling aware of the covid pandemic for the first few days because i was just thinking about jake and amy having a baby. getting through the first few weeks mostly because of b99. admiral peralta and finding out we were having a BOY and not even being disappointed even though the headcanon had been the opposite for years because it was perfect. the iconic b99 quizzes. lights out and mac being born. somehow managing 475 days before season 8, coping together when we got the news about the final season, watching the cast do their final day of filming. the first stream being interrupted by a storm warning and cutting out several minutes because of course. getting to see parents peraltiago and MAC and the insane speed with which those few seconds were giffed. more b99 quizzes. the vow renewal. the finale.

i remember all of it and so much more and as much as my heart is breaking, i’m trying to remind myself that i could have gotten none of this.

brooklyn nine-nine has been such an important part of my life. and it always, always will be, forever. i could have lost it all that night, and instead i got three more years. if i'd known that when i was walking the streets outside my house in the darkness in complete panic, i would have cried with happiness.

so thank you. all of you. for everything. ❤️❤️❤️ for the friendships, the joy, the asks, the debates, the fic response, EVERYTHING. whether we've shared three years or one or less, just know that i'm so grateful.

have some random pictures i found and screenshots from my private instagram (which is inactive so don't bother) from when i started this hyperfixation. jesus lmao 😭😭😭😭 i am less insane now. no i'm not. but i express it less on instagram.

[hawksugarbaby]

Todoroki x reader- Fix you with gold

Angst + Villain reader Au

Quirk: kintsugi- you can manipulate strings of gold hardening it as soon as you need to you can also remelt it.

Crimson lights flooded the bare brick room as you watched from the corner waiting for your dear hero to wake up. Shoto todoroki. You had been well acquainted a few years back. When you haven't been coined as (y/n) (y/ln) the UA traitor but now, well not so much for obvious reasons.

Thankfully, the boy you had once loved more than anything was chained up against a chair with his head hanging low avoiding the glare of the red filter. No no this isn't your boring old yandere simulator storyline. You had no intentions of killing everyone who looked at your dear peppermint boy, you had no of killing him because you loved him that was just absolutely ridiculous... no, you were killing him because he was a hero. But was he really?

Your chair screeched as you pulled it along behind you appearing from your corner and sitting yourself down drinking a lovely tea from a beautiful porcelain cup... well, beauty is subjective. "Good morning shoto" you greeted, your cheery attitude slipping between your grit teeth. Yes, today would be a good day "lovely day, isn't it? For a little chit chat hm?" silence. Once again your response was silence "oh come on my little hero I know you're not dead. Yet" it was a fun game you two had. You would talk, he would not, but all your conversations were rather one-sided and you decided chess was more fun with 2 people. Today was going to be the day you broke him once again.

"Shoto, are you interested in what would happen to you if you keep up this silly game of silence?" you asked and finished off the tea spinning the handle around your index finger. You stood up and launched the cup against the wall fragmenting into small pieces that rained down like drops of blood, he winced knowing that the cup was expensive and not easily found. rich boys and their pottery. "I wonder how easily you shatter compared to a teacup. Shall we find out?"

You put your finger on his chin and forced his head up to look at you. His mismatched eyes bore into you with sadness "I used to love you" he whispered. You let go of him and maniacal laugh erupted from inside you which bounced off the walls into his ears "Shoto you still love me. You want me to change my ways and go back to the way I was, maybe join you as your sidekick hm?" he looked at you his eyes wide with the kindling of hope "WELL NEWSFLASH HERO I never was that girl. I was a lie, a book wrote and edited to suit you" you watched as the hope dwindled away the kindles blowing out in the icy wind of your words you leaned down to his ear and whispered "everything you saw in me was an illusion. I could never be a hero, do you know why? Because heroes aren't real"

you stood back up stretching your arms behind your back a Cheshire smile graced your face. "you still have so much time to join me sho, no ones coming to find you, dearest" you sat back down on your chair leaning forward on your hand "you're a villain (y/n) there isn't a way in hell you could convince me to come to your side" you bit the inside of your cheek and pushed yourself off the chair and walking up to him, your face barely inches apart. You kicked his chair over, flicking a butterfly knife out holding it close to his neck "NO. I'M THE GOOD GUY HERE I-IM THE GOOD ONE. YOUR NO HERO I'M CLOSER TO A HERO THAN YOU'LL EVER BE" you spat while he struggled on his back like a helpless tortoise. You were in the right of course you were. Heroes aren't real anymore just read the news the hierarchy was crumbling and the ones who were at the top had the furthest to fall.

No one needs saviours anymore. "Your insane (y/n) your sick please just let me help you" you hated it when they told you that "SHUT UP. I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT. I'M NORMAL. YOU'RE THE SICK ONE YOU KNOW WHY" you pushed the knife up drawing pinpricks of blood that trickled to the floor slowly "because you crave to feed a hunger you cannot satisfy. You want to save as many people as possible, lock up all the villains yes?" he couldn't look away from the intense expression that hadn't left your face since he told you you were a villain "what happens when you lock up the villains hm? When you run out of people to save? Who runs wild through the city then? You pump out heroes every day leaving less and less for you and between you and me it looks like your going to run out of us soon" you pulled the knife back and todoroki released the breath stored up. Now he looked at it, you weren't wrong? What would happen when the villains disappeared. The heroes that were supposed to make people feel safe no matter what had struck fear into the hearts of every civilian in the world, no one dared to steal, to murder, to light their fires across the country for them to trace back to a warehouse in the middle of the wood?

No, he couldn't be thinking about that. He was a hero through and through you wouldn't change his mind with a petty butterfly knife. You scoffed at his pathetic state squirming under you and stood up pulling his chair back up along with you "you're still so handsome shoto, it really would be the biggest shame to ruin you" you sighed remembering a time when you truly wanted to be with him no matter what. But your ideologies just weren't compatible. "Do you know what happens when you mix bleach and rubbing alcohol?" you pulled a bottle of anti-septic out of your pocket and slipped a white cloth down from your sleeve to your hand "no answer? Or are you being ignorant again" he pursed his lips keeping his words sealed in the front of his mouth "fine. Let me show you." you poured the anti-septic on the cloth and walked up to the gorgeous boy in front of you stooping down "last chance my love" he looked at the wall and you groaned in annoyance. You forced the cloth in front of his mouth and nose and smiled sweetly "you make chloroform"

Day 2

Well, it turns out yesterday wasn't the day. But he was getting close you could feel it, you would take a slightly softer approach today there was another name for this, manipulation. "Morning shoto, are you feeling chatty today?" he looked up from his chair quickly when you entered. Despite what others thought, you weren't completely heartless, you would bring him food and water, and for a hostage, it was pretty good food. Maybe it was the remnants of your love that made you treat him differently. You unlocked his chains and passed him his plate. He knew there was no chance of escape, he had tried and failed a hundred times, he couldn't use his quirk in this room, and you were waiting around every corner when he tried to run.

"You know what I really don't understand shoto?" you wandered around the ruby room admiring the walls that kept him inside "when I first met you you said you despised your father and you would go against him in every way possible" he ceased eating at the mention of his father his appetite suddenly lost in the crowd of emotions "so why even become a hero. Why did you not run off? be the opposite of what he ever told you to be?" you were getting there you could feel it ripping through the air. He was lost, and confused? Who did he want to be? Certainly not anything like his father? Why did he ever want to be a hero? To save children who had to bear what he bore, why should he care for them if no hero ever cared for him "as I see it your father is worse than ever is he not? He lost Touya, he can't find you, he's wearing fuyumi and natsuo away desperate to have his perfect creation. Wouldn't now be the best time to join me sho" the plate hit the floor splitting apart just like his own sanity. Here we go. This would be so fun.

You sat cross-legged on the floor in front of him and picked up the pieces of the broken plate stacking them in your hand "you've heard of kintsugi I assume?" of course he had he grew up with everything, he nodded hesitantly his dual coloured fringe hanging in front of his eye as he leaned over watching you intently. You started laying the pieces of the plate out like a jigsaw fitting them together perfectly "if you just took my offer sho..." you started pushing the pieces together and lines of gold brushed over the old cracks, you lifted up the plate and put it on his lap "I could fix you up with gold" you whispered he gulped and traced his finger over the gold that welded the plate making it better than before. "We could get to know each other again. Love each other REALLY love each other shoto please I'm begging you" you really hated playing the broken lover card especially to someone you truly did love, and of course, you wanted to know him all over again but the begging really was a chore you had to fake so much emotion.

"I-i missed you (y/n) I really did I want you to come back to me the way you were before. Don't do this please" he begged. He knew this was it. He couldn't hang on any longer he had missed you for so long he couldn't stand being away from you again and ... you were right! Why should he strive to be a hero when none had ever cared for him when he was almost dead, beaten up by his own father who had the audacity to call himself a hero. He was nothing more than the creature to be puppeteered by Viktor Frankenstein. "THIS IS ME. can't you see that shoto this is who I am? The way I was before was fictional I tailored for you" you brushed your hand across his scarred cheek and brushed his hair out of his face "but you could know me, you could love me like this, couldn't you. You just need to join my side."

he looked at you, taking in your details for the first time in 4 years. You're (e/c) orbs didn't even try to attempt hiding the craziness behind them, the way your grin had a sadistic twist that could make any god coil in fear, your (h/l) (h/c) that was matted and bloody, the way the red light mimicked the bloodlust radiating off of you, yet he could still find comfort in it. "I want to know you," he said in his low monotone voice. The breaking point. You were his breaking point. "Let's get to know each other then hm?"

[ambrosiaaddiction]

Not Meant To Be

Word Count: 3,750

Summary: Anthony became the center of your attention, and it seemed as though his feelings were mutual for you. But in light of recent events, he’d only be able to comfort you in more ways than one. With the help of a loyal friend, you have no doubts that Simon will regret leaving you.

Pairing(s): Anthony Bridgerton x reader, Simon Basset x reader

Part 3/6

a/n: Sorry for the incredibly long wait! I knew that editing takes time, but I didn’t think that I would have writer’s block for, well, however long I’ve had it. So much has happened, and I lost motivation after motivation. Although, it’s not entirely fair for those of you who want to read Bridgerton fanfic. Without further delays, here’s part 3!!

                   ⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅◈⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙

One might think that when he stood outside my home with roses, Viscount Bridgerton had finally set himself on the route to having a family of his own. The Viscount was welcomed by Charles and invited inside, which caused Mama to almost fall over her feet. “Lord Bridgerton! Heavens! What a pleasant surprise this beautiful afternoon to see you!”

It took a lot of willpower not to roll my eyes at mama's change of mood from just minutes earlier. Lady Bridgerton wrote to me her apologies, that were not even pertinent at all, and mama blamed me of humiliating the Bridgertons yesterday. Papa didn't make his typical remarks, but I knew what he had been pondering regarding my misdeeds.

Other than that, Lord Bridgerton told them his hellos, and when he saw me in the family room, his smiling face grew greater. “Miss Denbow, good afternoon. As it always is, you never cease to look so exquisite.” If I wasn't mistaken, I assumed he was intending to flirt with me, and undoubtedly fooled mama with whatever act he was putting on.

“Lord Bridgerton, how kind of you to give my daughter compliments after seeing what she did yesterday at the picnic. In this town, you and your family are truly the most genuine.” Mama was eager to speak in my place, and when she tried to bring up the incident for the second or third time, I swallowed thickly.

Anthony’s mouth twitched at the corners, and he stepped over to me in order to gift his bouquet of roses. “Lady Denbow, I do not blame Miss Denbow for anything. She was suffering and knew no other way to communicate.” Before he slipped back, his fingers lightly stroked both of my hands, then he sat in an empty chair.

Cheeky bastard. He was making light of my missteps, which Mama considered especially inexcusable. And for his compassion, I could not have been more forever thankful. “Oh, Lord Bridgerton, thank you. To hear you say that alleviates my anxiety. And thank you for these roses.” I ran over the smooth petals with my thumb, then bent closer to take in the fragrance of them.

But once again, with more berating remarks on my ‘unladylike’ and ‘outrageous’ nature, Mama ruined the temporary pleasant environment. “I can't understand why, my lord, you want to court her. She may be my only child, but I'm sure she would be a far better choice for another lord of her equals.” My own mother had a toxic tongue which might ostracize her if she didn't take caution of others.

In order to defend against the offensive expressions she was thinking about me, as if I weren't really there, I opened my mouth, but Anthony decided to stand up from his seat and settled next to me. “I'm going to say this as politely as I can, Lady Denbow. What Miss Denbow did at the picnic was not wrong, and she's a wonderfully capable young lady. You are her mother, and I must admit that what you have said makes me very mortified.”

With discomposure, Mama's face grew red and, at last, she remained at a loss for words. “Lord Bridgerton, my apologies. Forgive your mama, y/n. My intention was not to negatively impact you such a way. I'm worried you can't even defend yourself.” Excuse after excuse were all I heard coming from her, but I needed to leave this conversation in the past.

“Mama, I'm forgiving you. But please don't think of me like that. When you do not see that I am well aware of what I'm doing and what I believe is important, I am in despair. I'm no longer a little girl.” Mama nodded, but in sensitivity, she refused to speak as she left Anthony and I in the room alone. "Well, either that may well have gotten out of hand, or the way I hoped it would.”

A chuckle escapes from the Viscount, and I recline against the back of the sofa with a tired sigh. I loved my mama and papa, but sometimes they treated me like I would never age from my childhood years. Despite having no brothers or sisters, I had friends who supported me and shared the same interests as I grew older.

Having Lord Bridgerton here was an enigma that I couldn’t fathom, but I appreciated how he stood up for me when mama complained without cease. Now that she was gone, I took the opportunity to ask him as to why he came to my home. “Anthony, can you tell me the reason for your visit? We both know that you don’t have intentions to court me contrary to what outsiders might believe.” I crossed my arms and waited for a reply, which was his hand resting on the top of my thigh. Perplexed, I looked over at him to see his eyes full of sympathy.

“Y/n, what Hastings said could have been less severe than they actually were, and Daphne chastised him for doing so.” Anthony began, his grip squeezing in reassurance, and he gently pulled it away once I’ve had enough time to comprehend what he told me. It warmed my heart to hear that Daphne was upset in my stead, although I’m sure anyone in their right mind would have done the same for me.

My thoughts wandered to how both the eldest child and the Duke of Hastings were famous rakes with great influence. One had brothers who would take his title and estate if he were to pass, whereas the other had no known relatives and only Lady Danbury to defend his name after his death. I found it funny that I’ve fallen in love with the latter, and he was treating me like I didn’t have a place in his place.

I must’ve been worrying Anthony with my lack of response because he waved a hand in front of my face to bring me back into reality. I shook my head of the unrelated topic and smiled sheepishly at him. “I’m sorry. I became lost before I realized that I’d drifted off.” “Oh, it’s quite alright. Trust me, I do the exact same thing when I’m alone.”

“I’ll be impartial with you, Anthony. I hadn’t given it consideration that your sister would do such a thing, and for me, no less. Perhaps I’ve had the wrong impression of her from the beginning. Everything is going terribly, and I haven’t been able to think properly.” I wore my heart on my sleeve for him to see, and I didn’t care about exposing my weaknesses to him. But Anthony seemed be torn between hugging me and giving a simple pat on my shoulder lest an unwanted third party were to walk in.

If anyone noticed the unusual display of affection, then news would spread that rather than waiting to fulfill the courtship rituals, I was advancing on a lord. He wouldn't be much of a gentleman, in Anthony's opinion, if he were to neglect a woman in distress. “When you weep, I don't like it. It so pains me when I'm labelled useless, but when you're laughing, you look the most spectacular, y/n. Simon's blind and ludicrous, but I know you really love him, don't you?”

“You're right, my lord. Again. I need to let go of my struggles and to live my life to its fullest. The Duke encouraged what I would like to go do, become, and pursue, but under false premises, he is intimately involved to your younger sister.” I forced my body to stand, and in confusion, but without doubt, Anthony quickly followed. In my own house, it felt too stifling, so I concluded that a stroll outside would hopefully help take my mind off what occupied it at the moment.

“Is there anything other than whining and moaning that I could do instead? Wait, Queen Charlotte is holding a ball for her nephew, is she not? I do believe his name is Prince Friedrich.” Anthony gave a short nod, and I could tell that he was already dreading a night of being surrounded by desperate mamas along with their unabashed daughters. Who would blame the Viscount for trying to discourage total strangers from making unwelcome advantages?

I was unexpectedly given the best idea by his affirmation, and I couldn't wait to put it into motion. I wanted to prove my worth to Simon, which would make Anthony and the Prince the ideal partners to irk him. “What say you to opening Simon's eyes in the notion that I attract His Highness tonight? I will have to be in the most magnificent ballgown, and I know that you can help me with this.”

“In the heat of the moment, it won't take a lot of effort to raise feelings of inadequacy in Hastings. He will be fixated on Daphne and attempting to keep conversations with literally everyone who comes across him, but I don't find it unlikely that he will be observing you with the Prince. I know I wouldn't have the means to take my eyes off you, my dear.” That was just what I expected to hear from him, and furthermore. I felt that I had done well enough to seek a Viscount who had awareness of everyone else around him.

Then that settled it. I was going to win the Prince's favor, and Simon would spectate from the sidelines with no likelihood of attempting to snatch me away. It felt invigorating even to think about how it would play out tonight, but it would be seamless with Anthony's help. “For your time and soothing words, I am beyond delighted, Anthony. Until the ball, there is more than enough time, so I want to use it to aim for perfection. Tonight, I hope to see you, my lord.”

“Miss Denbow, I am forever happy to console a lady when she is enduring pain. And indeed, tonight, to my great reluctance, you will see me. For now, I will leave you and I look forward to enjoying your progress.” Anthony bowed as he started to walk out of the family room, and with a curtsey and a goodbye, I accompanied him to our front door.

Since then, hours have passed, and I finally found a dress from Lady Delacroix that was incredible. She wasn't even from France, and her accent didn't fool me.  Not important.  My makeup was done by Marianne, my hair was styled by Lucinda, and mama lent me her diamond necklace to wear. It matched the diamond earrings I got from papa on my eighteenth birthday, and tonight, nothing could go wrong. I was positive of that.

The time had come, and I was one of the few to arrive at the castle fashionably late. The eyes of all were on me, making my chest swell with pride. I got a glimpse of Simon and Daphne who were standing by the refreshments, and they couldn't stop watching as I elegantly walked down the stairwell.

To my amusement, Prince Friedrich was the first one to approach me, and he held my hand and placed a feather-light kiss on the back of it. “Good evening, my lady. You are by far the most beautiful and hypnotizing center of attraction in this ballroom. May I inquire for your name?”

I concealed the lower half of my face with a fan and smiled with my eyes, captivated by his mannerisms. “I have the luxury of being graced by your presence, your highness. My name is y/n Denbow.” After I've presented myself, Prince Friedrich's face lit up, and he guided me off the the last two steps. “To my ears, your name is like music, and it's perfect for a maiden like you, Miss Denbow.”

His flattery would make any young lady practically beg the Prince for a dance at the ball. Well, if he could ever tear himself away from me, that was. “Thank you, Your Majesty. You make me feel like I've got my head in the clouds. If you keep complimenting her, you will certainly find yourself a maiden to court this evening.” From my comment, I swore he blushed a bright red.

“Ah, hello, Prince Friedrich! Miss Denbow! I see that you have made friends with each other. Y/n, I'm so happy you've arrived safe and sound back in London.” Lady Danbury tapped her cane on the ground twice to emphasize her excitement, and I couldn't have been more relieved to see a familiar face among those whose names I couldn't match.

“I have so much to tell you, Lady Danbury. But not here, especially when I came so late.” I apologized to the Prince and wrapped my arm around Lady Danbury as we walked into a more private area. She furrowed her eyebrows together, but she didn't inquire until we got to the place where we could be alone. “Well, speak to me, y/n. What are you so worried about? And why did you come by yourself?”

I bit my lower lip and exhaled deeply, which all the more displeased Lady Danbury. If I tried to explain my desperate condition to her, she was going to have countless questions, and I knew she would never let Simon live in the humiliation he brought upon himself. “I'm sure you've recently read Lady Whistledown's column, and my relationship with Simon, Lady Danbury, is complicated.”

“Unbeknownst to me, when I was in France, he and Miss Bridgerton declared their engagement. He did not give me a letter or even a note when I returned to London that he had gone ahead with a marriage proposal to a young woman he had never met before. I invited him and the Bridgertons to have a picnic just yesterday. I have never been able to remain quiet forever; you know this, Lady Danbury. He lashed out at me, claiming that if he had known that I would be so self-centered and petty, he would never have gotten to know me.”

She went on a tangent as I predicted about how she raised and trained "the shameless rake" to do better than what he did. During the length of her grievances, I remained silent, then patted her arm softly when she started to run out of words to illustrate the Duke. “Compared to his late father, he's not terrible, but he might just be so after he treated you, y/n, and I apologize on his behalf.”

In disagreement, I shook my head, not acknowledging her apologies because she had nothing to do with that. In the sense of flirting with Prince Friedrich, all I wanted from her was to be an addition to humiliate Simon. “If we succeed, then he'll see the good thing that he lost because he agreed to marry another needy girl.”

This caused Lady Danbury to chuckle at my remark, and I had an inkling that her mood improved just a little bit. “I’ll take part in your schemes, girl. Now, let us return to the ball before we’re asked of our whereabouts.” She winked playfully, then gently pushed me back the way we came from.

Men and women danced to their heart’s content, their veins pumping with champagne and even the possibility that they will be courting after tonight. I see Anthony and Simon quietly bickering where no one could eavesdrop on the conversation, but their secrets weren’t going to be hidden from me. “Lord Bridgerton, I thought you promised me a dance?”

I chimed into the midst of their argument, and Simon’s mouth hung open in shock. He quickly closed it, though, and I bowed to him as acknowledgment for his presence. Anthony gathered the remnants of his dignity before offering a hand for me to take. “My apologies, Miss Denbow. I promise you that never slipped my mind from the moment that I asked.”

After the brief yet nerve wracking encounter with the Duke of Hastings, I’m led to have a dance with the Viscount and my new partner of schemes. I felt everyone’s eyes glued to us, which makes me uncomfortable because of the unwanted attention, but it dissolves when Anthony nudges me to look up at him. That’s when I knew how much I admired the man, and perhaps, there wasn’t any obstacle that we wouldn’t be able to overcome.

I may have lost my first love to Daphne, but I also had the power to pull the necessary strings to get what I wanted. Anthony tightened his grip on my waist then closed the gap between us, and out of the corner of my eye, I watched as Simon glare at our swaying figures amongst the others. The spectacle made me laugh softly against the Viscount’s shoulder, and his chest rumbled with a quiet laugh of his own.

“I believe that taught him a harsh lesson, don’t you think, Miss Denbow?” Anthony whispered into my ear, and an involuntary shiver ran down my spine. After clearing my throat, I nodded in agreement. The man wasn’t exactly reputable in every way, but he damn well had my respect. “Yes, it most certainly did, Lord Bridgerton.” I replied, head tilted downwards to avoid eye contact with him.

Once our dance came to an end, I was approached by Prince Friedrich a second time this evening. Young and older women alike flocked around his highness, and I took a small step closer to Anthony in fear that I would be ridiculed by them. Wait, what am I thinking? I shouldn’t be afraid of the people that make their bosoms unnaturally larger than they actually are nor should I be backing away!

“Miss Denbow, may I have this next dance? It’d make me extremely delighted.” Prince Friedrich asked, unknowingly breaking the tension growing between myself and the disappointed women behind him. All I gave him was a smile along with an enthusiastic nod, and Anthony released his arms from around my waist. “I’d love to, your highness. And I could say the same about myself.”

The prince took my hand just when the next song began to play, and we danced as if we were one. If I were being completely honest, he needed a little more practice with his feet, but I was enjoying myself nonetheless. We shared a few words and I kept glancing over our shoulders to see if Simon was keeping an eye on us. In fact, he had been watching the entire time, and Anthony gave me a signal that our plan had succeeded.

I bowed deeply to the prince when our dance came to its regrettable end, and bid him farewell for the rest of the night. Simon appeared out of nowhere then pulled me to an empty area despite my cries of protest. “What do you think you’re doing?! Just because you’re jealous does not give you the right to drag me as you so please, Hastings!”

“Will you keep it down, Y/N?! We both know that I’m not the only jealous one here.” He huffs angrily, and for the first time in a long time, he’s rendered me utterly speechless. No, I won’t play by his rules. Not when there was so much more for me to accomplish. “I don’t know what you mean. I’m simply fulfilling my role as a maiden who hopes to have a courtship.”

Simon rolled his eyes in disbelief, turning away from me so that I’m only staring at his broad shoulders. I’m beginning to lose my calm composure, and the more I stay alone with him, the less I’ll want to leave. He can’t learn of the nights when I suffered alone in France, and he certainly couldn’t force me to risk my reputation for his sake.

“You’ve changed, Simon.” My voice broke at the end of my sentence, but I continued to speak. “I’m not doing anything for you, so don’t get your hopes up.” He scoffed, not convinced by my words, and turned back to face me. His arms find their way around my body like they used to in the past. The next thing I knew, we’re kissing passionately against the cold marble walls.

He had me mewling his name over and over again, begging for a release that was on his fingertips. Simon muffled my sighs of pleasure with his mouth, and we fixed the bridge that was crumbling between the two of us. When we were satisfied, he muttered apology after apology as he kissed my skin. But we both knew that we run away with the position that he was in.

“I’ll figure it out, so wait for me. Please, Y/N.” “Don’t make me promise you, Simon. I want you to prove to me that I’m the only woman you love.” I kissed his neck and cheek, my heartbeat slowing to its normal pace before I fixed my dress. We’ve both been gone for too long, and I didn’t doubt that I would be questioned of my whereabouts.

Simon understood the weight of my words as well as what we would both face when we left separately. He kissed me one last time, and made his return to the ballroom until I did the same. Thankfully, neither Anthony or Mama asked where I had been, and I could breathe easy again. But now I was even more conflicted than before. I made Simon jealous, which ignited sex and doubt that we would be together after all this time.

Although... if I were to adjust my original plans in order for us to have a wedding and deal with the consequences afterwards, then it shouldn’t be very difficult, would it? Well, we would just need to face the challenges when the time comes, and I was determined to have Simon all to myself again.

[zawasscarf]

Messy Liner- A Keigo Takami/Hawks × reader drabble

Warnings: none! Just endless fluff and Hawks being a clingy baby. Poorly edited.

Prespective: second person!

Sypnosis: After noticing that he was too tired to do his eyeliner correctly, you take it upon yourself to help Keigo so he goes to work on time.

Author's note: wrote this and now its 3 AM where I am. I'm going to go catch some ZZZs now. I hope you enjoy <3

Raising your head from your fluffy pillow, your eyes darted over to the door of the bathroom in your room. It was slightly open, making it completely normal to hear the water running. You could hear violent splashing, the sound of intense brushing immediately followed by complete silence. A completely still moment passed. It was eerie, how much time Keigo was spending in the bathroom. He usually takes two to three minutes inside. He was a fast-paced man as he was a pro-hero, so the delay was almost concerning. You were about call out his name, but he lazily appeared from around the corner, head staring right at the ground, hair a wet mess, in only a pair of black briefs and a red shirt, with a white towel around his neck.

His feathers were falling like cherry-blossom petals on a breezy spring day, on the ground with every step he took, making his usually glorious, protective red wings look more timid, dull. You couldn't help but notice that his eyes were closed as he walked towards the bed. Never has he ever looked so exahusted before. When he woke up, he had a habit of speed walking around the house to get things done faster, that would usually wake you up from how heavy his footsteps were, but not today. Today you woke up because how shockingly serene it was.

He sat down on the bed, making the comfortable mattress jump a little. Head facing his bedside table, Hawks opened one of the drawers and took out a black-liner pen and a magnifying mirror. He gently put down the mirror on the counter, adjusting it so he could see his eyes. What was abundantly clear in his reflection, was his drousniess. His head swayed from side to side, unable to stay steady. After trying his best to keep his head from falling to the side, he neared the eyeliner to his faded birthmarks to add the cosmetic, but as he fixed the wing, his -very- shaky hand failed him. "Tsk," The frustrated sound he let slip made you sit up. He was really good at doing his eyeliner, to the point where you ask him to do yours whenever you were going to an important gala together. His hands were always steady, accurate, he always knew what he was doing when it came to using his hands. But the exhaustion and drainage from yesterday's patrol obviously took a toll on him. 'You never know when to take a break..' You told him late at night, when your hand were smoothing his blonde locks, but he was already fast asleep. You observed him as he wiped the smudged wing, and try to do it again, only to fail -and almost poke his eye out. He let out a bothered sigh.

"Keigo.." You tapped his arm, and he looked over at you. His playful, golden, reinstone eyes were only halfway open, his lids heavy, and that cocky gleam in them were no where to be seen. "Give the pen to me," The demand was serious, but your tone was gentle, as not to startle him. You extended your hand, and he looked down at it, seemingly trying to connect the dots like you had just told him a hard riddle. He slowly gave you the eyeliner, then looked back up at you. "Put your head here and look up at me," Adjusting your position so both of you are comfortable and patting your lap, he acted just a bit faster this time, positioning his head upwards as you asked him to. You pushed the wet strands of blonde hair that stuck on his forehead, carefully began to trace the birthmarks with the pen.

The world was queit. Tranquil. The only thing you could hear were the beeping cars and sounds of the city. You didn't remember the last time Keigo was this calm and still. A cocky, intelligent, fast attitude. That's what originally attracted you to him in the first place. He always did everything so damn fast, and it was thrilling. Dating him has never felt boring. But even though you loved how he brought excitment into your life with how quick- paced he was, these rare moments where both of you were undisturbed, realxed in the comfort of your apartment...these were the moments you cherished deeply, that you held so closely to your heart.

You stopped for a minute, to take in the sight infront of you. Keigo looked so..indescribably beautiful, ethereal. His slightly sun-kissed skin gleamed under the single light ray entering the room through the open space between the curtains. His sharp eyes were shut close, letting you do your work without any bother. Crimson wings were spread on the bed, and his strong, lean arms wrapped around your figure. You put your hand in his hair, and he leaned into the touch, his cheeks going a dusty shade of pink. You smiled, and forced yourself to keep working on his eyeliner, even though you wanted this to last a lifetime.

After making sure the wings were symmetrical, you put the eyeliner on your counter, and turned to him, expecting him to finally wake up and throw a cheeky remark at you. Start flirting uncontrollably with you like he always did. Start kissing all over your face and body. But he didn't. Infact, he didn't move an inch off your lap. That whistled deep breathing of his and the way his wings rose and fell made you realise that he had fallen asleep again. You put one of your hands under his chin, and began scratching, in hopes that Keigo's ticklish nature would kick in and wake him up. But to your surprise, he groaned something uncoherable in delight, and angeled his head to get more of your touch.

"Keigo, baby, you need to wake up." You whispered, knowing that his busy work couldn't be delayed. Knowing that he wouldn't be happy if he was late. But for the first time, Keigo refused. "M..don't wanna.." He grumbled, like a child who was being forced to do something they didn't want to be doing. His grip tightened around your waist, and he buried his head in your shirt. An alarm bell rung in your head. You laid down to check if Keigo ruined his eyeliner, that you were barely able to fix and make it look like he did it. Thinking you laid back was an invitation to let him sleep, Keigo pulled your body down and laid his head on your chest. "M..warm.."

You stiffled your giggles, struggling to sit up. "Keigo, you need to go, you know that.."He didn't answer. You were not sure if he had truly fell asleep again or if he was ignoring you. "I'll be right here when you return, waiting for you.." Your fingers knit through his bangs. "But now you need to get up, other people are waiting for you.."

"But I don't want to.." Keigo replied, his eyes meeting with yours. The look in his eyes. It was innocent, desperate, needy for this moment to keep going. Needy for your touch and affection. "I want to..be here..always..with you.." That simple wish of his in his raspy, sleepy voice made your heart skip a beat. You didn't sense any sleep talk, only honesty.

You didn't know what to say. Both of you wanted to stay like this. In each other's arms, basking in each other's warmth as nothing but love filled the air around you. This was Keigo's idea of heaven.

"Mm..babybird.." He breathed in deeply, then let it all out, like he had been holding so much in for too long. "Can..we pretend..that everything is fine for just a few hours..?" The innocence in his request made you lay down. You were surprised that he asked you this, his sense of duty was always something that pushed him to get out of bed, but now it was diffrent. He didn't tell you what happened the day before, but all you knew that he was drained, drained enough not to eat and instead, bring you to bed with him so you could hold him. Drained enough to hold you this tightly, and wish for things that could only be achieved if you lived in another world.

You put your head down on the pillow, eyes closed, hand in Keigo's hair and the other on his bicep, your thumb doing circular movements on the firm muscle.

And as sleep began to cover your senses, you mumbled a few words, a few words that were enough to make Keigo smile in his slumber.

"Yeah...yeah, I guess we can.."

[charmspoint]

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THINGS LIKE THIS TO SUBMIT TO YOU YASSS

3 12 15 19 23 (cautiously avoids 18)

I love reading the Lucy Rambles™ ok?

jk do 18 too (pls ily)

Frappe loves reading my rambles >:3 I love rambling >:3 win win situation <3<3<3<3

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year?

The hardest at the beginning yas. I have such a terrible memory for lines and stuff hgvhh uhhh first thing that comes to mind is one I didn't post yet from Satoru's prequel that is impossible to explain without giving away like...the plot...just know it's sad and I like Toji in it, that's it.

More concretely I really liked writing the fluff scene in Cannibalization of the Apex ch 6, where Satoru puts so much effort into changing into something more palatable and then Suguru slowly leads him back from it, leads him back to the form that's most natural to him because he is his Satoru and he loves him just the way he is. The boys really deserved a break and it was nice to write something that was just unapologetically soft and fluffy for a fic that up until that moment had been nothing but pain.

12. favorite character to write about this year?

Should come as no surprise at all

Been brain worming about this mans whole fucking year and I'm not nearly done, please send help.

15. something you learned this year?

I FEEL LIKE I LEARNED A LOT THIS YEAR

I'd gotten comfy with outlining, I became able to write LONG STUFF (Rip), I've gotten good tips on fight scenes and general grammar stuff from my beta, I've even gotten some good tips on sex scenes lol. I've figured out how to edit my work better, how to recognize when a scene needs to be cut or reworded instead of stubbornly trying to make it work, just a lot of little things that I think will make my writing smoother in long term. Before last year I've been struggling with writing quite a bit and then by the end of it I've gotten to writing regularly once again. And a lot of my work then felt very...clumsy and unpolished and just...just gurgling out the trash you know? N I feel like this year has been me getting back to pace, flexing and stretching and figuring out all the ways in which I can move now. I'm really excited for the next year, I hope with all the things I learned this year my quality gets even better >:3

18. current number of wips?

The joke is on you because like yesterday I went and cleared out my wip folder and put everything I don't intend to work on any time soon in my hiatus folder (where my bnha fics went to rot) so as of now I have only 5 wips uwu

Recently I finished up some event stuff so that got sorted out and talentless nana readers should be happy to know assigned lesbian is still in wip folder i just...need to get kicked or something...im so sorry talentless nana fandom...

This of course doesn't count all the gang au fics gathering ideas or your request which is in a pickle jar in the back of my brain but yes uwu i got organized and cleaned everything up so I can prioritize better, new year new me.

19. any new fics to start next year?

Well today I'll be posting the fic I did for jjk exchange so there's that :3. But it's not like a pairing I usually write for so hjbjhvhj.

Next year should take a while to get started, currently I'm most intensely working on my stsg winter exchange piece (reveal early february) and then Satoru's gang au prequel which is nearing end but will take a LOT of editing so it's hard to predict when it will be out. BUT when I'm done with my exchange piece I'm planning to finally slot in dad Gojo for writing and while with Gang au I'm going to wait till I have everything written and edited (and illustrated ;3) to post, dad gojo will follow the same schedule as curse au aka 'a chapter is out as soon as it's done' so either that or my exchange piece is coming out first,

You know, unless I get inspo for a random one shot before that which is always possible.

I feel like 2022 will be a year of long term things >.< I hope the extra wait will be worth it!

23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t?

Opens my hiatus folder

I think my circus AU and 7 days are the most prominent ones I thought of this year but didn't have the time for, but I think I tend to be pretty realistic about when I'll get something out so I've always expected those to take a bit longer and stretch out of this year.

7 days double especially for this because while for circus au I had a concept but knew I wouldn't get to it, I've actually started writing 7 days and I just...mmmm I think I could do better with it so I'm saving my strength for it. I think it could be really good if I give it the right attention so...no rushin.

I might use it when stsg big bang rolls around who knows >:3

Thank you for the ask ily v much <3<3<3<3

End of the year ask game

[artstorieshusbandos]

Tale of Two Tragedies-Theo's route (Ikemen Vampire) **spoilers**

Tragedy #1 Exhibit A

I honestly half expected him to haul off and draw a masterpiece in the tavern notebook. Not because he's a Van Gogh but because there's almost no way someone with his appreciation for art , his eye for it and his hardcore determination wouldn't have managed to at least be drawing on the side for enjoyment.

This scene would have gone down a little differently if I had actually been in MC's place. MC, it seems, doesn't do art. I've been at least scribbling since I was a kid that figured out I could rub the paint off my toys onto the wall. I would not have noticed the notebook on the counter, but ever since we left the private gallery earlier I'd been dying to ask him if he'd ever done any art. I daydreamed about asking while I was waiting for my tickets to replenish Why?

This isn't the voice of someone who doesn't want to do art.

Usually when someone tells me they can't draw I find out one of 3 things. They either don't really want to draw or at least they have other things they'd much rather put their time into which is fair. They actually can draw but have fallen into the trap of undervaluing their own work which may or may not be a result of comparing their work to the work of others. Then there's the third crowd that has the desire to do it, puts in the time but can't get anywhere because they are trying to draw from their left brain.

What am I talking about? I'm sure you may have heard that our brains have two halves and that the left half is connected to logic, mathematics, language, symbolism, ect, and the right brain is associated with imagination, creativity, music, spatial relations, distances, ect. Most of us don't know how that actually relates to someone's ability to draw or paint. The truth is art is something all humans can do to some degree. How good you manage to get is one part the desire to do it, one part putting in the practice and one part how well you can get your left brain to give over control to the right brain.

Vincent and Theo are such wonderful examples of what I'm getting at here with the whole left brain/right brain thing. Vincent is right brain dominant and I know this not because he's a talented artist but because it's a fact that Vincent Van Gogh is left handed. Our dominant hands are opposite our dominant brains. Theo is clearly left brain dominant not only because we can see it in his organizational and business skills we can see how he's talking in the second image where he's trying to draw King. He's thinking about drawing fur and eyes and the components of the dog not the forms. The parts are all named and labeled....this is left brain thinking. Compare it to how he talks when he is observing paintings and pushing the technical aside to just let it speak to him. This is the mode he needs to be in to create but he's trying to attack it with his stronger mode which is his left brain mode. It doesn't matter how much you practice if you are practicing the wrong thing.

The other pitfall he's hit is comparing himself to Vincent. As an artist never ever ever ever compare yourself to anyone but the you from yesterday. There will always be someone "better" than you and "better" will always be subjective. Vincent got a head start being right brained. When his brain reaches for it's stronger side it's going to pull from the correct one automatically.

Maybe at this point you're wondering why I spent so much time analyzing a fictional character in this manner? Honestly it breaks my heart to see him like this and though I know he's fictional I also know there are many many Theo's in this world who have given up because they don't know what's holding them back or that it can be conquered. I wrote this for them.

If this is you and you'd like to see what you're truly capable of do this one really easy exercise. Find a picture of something you'd like to draw. Draw it as best you can. If all you can do is draw a stick then draw that stick. Then take that same image and flip it upside down and draw it again. The reason for doing this is to force the left brain to let the right brain work. The left brain doesn't like to work with anything it can't define and slap a label on. When you flip the image upside down it makes it so the left brain can't properly identify the subject. It has no choice but to shut up and let the right brain work. Compare your two drawings. I was astonished the first time I did this. I no longer have my original upright drawing from the first time I tried this technique but I do have the first drawing I ever did upside down. Here it is.

Granted I had been drawing for years upright already but if you need a point of reference as to where I was in my skill when I started training my left brain to sit down here's another drawing from the same year.

Quite a bit of technical difference.

If this exercise worked for you and you're interested in learning more about how to train your brain for better art this is the book that taught me.

I recommend this book to any artist that hasn't read it. It's been the biggest help I've ever gotten on my journey. I don't know if Amazon is the best place to get a copy or not I didn't price match I just put up the first link I came to so you might want to shop around.

Tragedy #2 Exhibit B

Here is one of the last pieces I completed.

It was done in 2012. That's right.....it's been damn near a decade since I've turned out a completed art piece. It would probably break Theo's heart even more to know that there are people out here like me that have talent and aren't using it while he would love to do it and can't seem to. In fact he'd probably dump my ass if we were actually dating before he found out. I felt guilty before but now it's guilt x 1000. Are any of you out there in the same boat as me? Anyone out there that managed to get out of the rut that might have some tips for me? Maybe I should take some requests? What would you all like to see me draw?

Also if you're interested in seeing more of my stuff my gallery is collecting dust here

Theo has everything he needs to be a great artist. He has the eye for aesthetics, he has the desire and commits himself to everything. In his time psychology is in it's infancy. He doesn't even know yet what he doesn't know. If I was wrong about this and he still couldn't draw after a few training sessions I guess I'd have to start making him paint by number kits. He can pick the subject and the colors I'll map out the design and we'll do it together.