#(but I haven't taken an actual art class since 2010)

[kirby-the-gorb]

[kylekozmikdeluxo]

#Long post... Diary entry:

At the beginning of May, I went to a presentation at my old high school. A place I haven't stepped foot into since graduation... It was a whirlwind of emotions.

It was an art night, featuring works made by all the grades in town from multiple schools, from kindergarten to high school seniors. My 6-year-old nephew's little ceramics project was part of the show...

I met up with some family, and also hoped to see some faculty from way back when. I had seen some teachers of mine out in the wild every now and then, especially at my movie theater job, but there were some teachers who I haven't seen since 2010. Before, even. Despite all my bad memories of high school, rarely any of them were with the teachers, as such... I would love to see some of them again, and they get to see a much older, better me.

And I did... With one...

I've been making art since I was a kid. Like, when I was really little. Sitting with my paternal grandpa at a workbench of-sorts against a '70s-style wood paneled wall, circa 1995... Drawing trains and all sorts of things, with details and everything. Formative stuff. I draw a lot.

But for a while, I don't think I had any real artistic skills. At least, if I had any, I didn't build on them. Middle school art classes mostly didn't do it for me, I didn't want to do things the "traditional" way. When I had an idea, whether it was for a story or a comic or whatever came to mind, I just wanted to put it on paper. Middle school was a whirlwind time that really chewed me up and spat me out, a place not fit for the particular kind of autistic that I am. And that's not even getting into the confusion over my sexuality, something I really put a lid on for so long. (For context, I barely came out in 2022, months before I turned 30.)

I staggered into freshman year, still holding on despite a few emotional setbacks... And then one day, in a "computer animation" class that was otherwise pretty cool, I was told by another student that I wasn't a good drawer...

Still, freshmen year ended where I was still creating, still drawing, still somewhat hanging on despite a nasty lingering demon of self-hatred that was festering within me month by month. And I think it fully took hold by November 2007. Yes, I memorize months/years when these things happen. My file cabinet brain just does that for some reason.

And this was when I was in a drawing/painting class. I thought my instructor was pretty cool, but I was not where I needed to be, mentally. She wouldn't have known, I was collapsing in real time and I sometimes foolishly showed signs of it. I remember nonchalantly answering a sort-of "what does this art piece mean to you" question on a sheet of paper with "I am a jerk". She was rather taken aback... and within weeks, I just straight-up dropped out of the class. It was a combination of me thinking I was an irredeemable bastard, that I couldn't actually draw, and me still refusing to learn the traditional way so I could in turn establish myself...

One of the biggest mistakes I made in life. I went through most of high school, letting stuff just pass me by. Things I should've gotten involved with, but I was embroiled in self-hatred and later fear of falling back into it... Going about a lot of things so timidly... I had seen this teacher a few times thereafter, up until my senior year. Our encounters were friendly, but that was about it. I don't recall if she ever said "you should've stayed in my class"...

Nearly 11 years later, I got a cum-laude degree in art... That was in June 2018. At age 25 1/2...

And yet at the age of 31 1/2, I feel like I'm still learning things that a lot of very talented artists out there were already learning at - like - age 10. I guess it's all in due time, eh?

So I hear about this art show that my nephew's project is featured in, and it's at the high school I attended... I figured, it'll give me something to do and maybe, just maybe I could bump into somebody I haven't seen since 2010. Maybe meeting someone from the past, be it a classmate (even one that might've disliked me) or a teacher, was a possibility. We're adults now, so, maybe the interaction would be waaaay different...

I got there... Walking through the doors, again, first time in about 14 years... It was a deeply surreal feeling that I just can't describe as I'm writing this... I went down one of the hallways, recognizing it to be the art/studio wing of the building...

There she was... I walked up to her, and after telling her I had her as a teacher... She recognized me. Even though I do NOT at all resemble what I looked like in 2007, or even 2010. I'm an amab enby, my hair is very long, I shave my facial hair, and look way diffferent... Anyways, she recognized me, remembered my name, and we had a lovely chat.

I told her why, after 14 years of processing trauma and bad feelings, I dropped out of her class. She completely understood, and was very happy to hear that I later went on to get an art degree. We talked about a few other things, and overall it was just... Thrilling for me. It was a sense of closure I never knew I was going to get in my life. I hadn't known if she still taught there or not...

And to make the night even better, I bumped into my elementary school art teacher... First time seeing her in person since 2003, and she was thrilled to see me.

It all felt so good, a bright spot in a very up-and-down year. The weird thing is, the future I so feared at age 15 is happening to me now in some way: I'm out as queer, still hiding it from people I know for fear of rejection, I'm trying to live on my own, things keep going wrong, and yet... I'm getting through each day, I'm creating, I'm at least working/making some money, I drive. I'm weathering this all better than 2007/08-era me would've ever guessed...

But, that was a great night, I will cherish it...