#(blood in my mouth and bees in my bones. anchor vs ascendant agent)
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#neither here nor there#letters to emily#anyway. holding on with only my teeth since ive chewed my nails down too far to dig in.#(blood in my mouth and bees in my bones. anchor vs ascendant agent)#they gave me a wild joy without knowing. wild cause it stems from the part of me that keeps everything else tied down secure.#i gave myself: guilt- shame- by trying to keep myself sane.#(phantom blood in my teeth. im biting through *something* but noone real. if i finish the bite ill fall.)#back and forth between- wondering unknowing eyes comparing me favorably- and everything i failed at.#i've been fine before. i will be fine again.#look here. i have so much trust in my God and in myself that i cannot help but believe i *will* be fine again.#my failures aside. my social blunders aside#(she was so sweet not to point my mistake out. but also she takes adderall so idk if we're actually that similar.)#(i dont think its a physical pain for her anymore. im just an unmedicated fool and a failure)#but i shall persevere.#sorry this is incomprehensible. the issues i'm having either are irl affairs or in the grey area between irl and online affairs#meaning everything i say about them has to be twisted up and hidden in vague words and allegories
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