#(ask the grumpy lava guy some questions!)

[guqin-and-flute]

nieyao or 3zun + prompt 64 with cat!baxia

64. “I think your cat wants to kill me.” [This got way away from me WHOOPS]

“So. This date is going fantastically. Do I make top 10?”

Meng Yao huffed a short, polite laugh through his nose at Mingjue’s rueful question. “Being nursed back to health by a handsome man is certainly adding back points lost in the cat attack,” he replied, and some of the frustrated dread bled from the ball in Mingjue’s chest. “I really could do this myself, you know,” he added.  

Mingjue sighed. “Yeah, well, since it was my cat attack, I feel like I need to make reparations. I’ve also taken First Aid more times than I can count and cat scratches can get really nasty.” 

If this were a one of the sappy romcoms Huaisang loved so much, standing at the sink together as he tended to the 2 gashes scoring down Meng Yao’s forearm with several antiseptic soaked cotton balls had the potential to be romantic. Except Mingjue had never liked those movies and he just felt like a fucking asshole who owned an unruly animal.

He had met Meng Yao at the grocery store. Mingjue had looked up from his phone at the sound of a sharp voice--a middle aged business man was snapping at a young man in front of him in line; "Fucking Christ, you're going to hold up everyone."

"You can go ahead of me if you'd like--"

"There's a whole line of people here! We all have places to go!"

The man being yelled at--(the very attractive man with round, dark eyes, he noted)--had grimaced placatingly, as the cashier was saying, "We can hold his groceries while he goes out, sir, you won't have to wait."

A the business man threw his hands into the air in disgust, Mingjue had slid his phone into his back pocket and interrupted in his 'is this guy bothering you' voice; "What's the problem?"

3 pairs of eyes had darted to him immediately and gone wide. The very good looking man had tensed completely, eyes darting to the door in a way that looked involuntary--and well, Mingjue had been struck by the completely overwhelming urge to tuck him back behind him and make this asshole between them shit his pants in fear. And anyone else that made him look that scared, for that matter. "I'm sorry," the scared, attractive, adorable, fragile-looking, harassed young man had said a tight smile, "I forgot my wallet in my car, we can just--"

"Here," Mingjue slid out his credit card handed it--pointedly--over Mr. Business-Asshole's head to the cashier. "I'll cover it. You know what," he had added, fixing the quickly wilting dickhead with his best 'I-can-bench-press-you-and-then-feed-you-your-own-esophagus-no-problem' stare, "Why don't you get the nice lady behind me, too. Once this guy is done running for the biggest jackass award. I'll wait."

And, you know, weirdly enough, Mr. Asshole had actually left the line, red faced and without his shitty little protein shakes. As the cashier bit back a grin and rung up the card, the harassed young man--who was even prettier up close, holy hell, it made his lower back sweat--had tried to insist that it wasn't necessary, that really, he had the money, he could just go get it, he appreciated it but didn't need Mingjue to put himself out. Mingjue had just shrugged and held out his hand. "It's the principle of the thing. Nie Mingjue."

The man had opened his mouth, looked down at his hand; then, he had smiled and holy goddamn fucking shitballs he had dimples. Shaking it firmly in a hand that was soft and cool and slim, he had said, "Then...thank you. Meng Yao. I'll have to pay you back. Do you have a cash app?"

"Don't bother."

"I insist."

"You can buy me dinner sometime, then," Mingjue's mouth had decided to say without permission, but luckily he agreed with the idea and so had been quite pleased to see Meng Yao's ears go pink.

"...That sounds fair," he replied, finally, those lovely dimples returning.

The cashier had cleared their throat, brightly. "Do you by chance have our loyalty card?"

They agreed on a first date in a public restaurant where they could verify that the other wasn’t some sort of serial killer. It had even been a nice one that Meng Yao had insisted on where they had also shared a bottle of wine and interesting conversation. Meng Yao was exceedingly smart and easy to talk to--the perfect conversational partner with a knack for solving many of the problems that Mingjue hadn't even realized he complained about. In return, he had made his attraction quite clear and Meng Yao had ducked his head.

"I'll have you know that I don't go home with anyone on the first date," he had said carefully, eyes on his fingertip as he ran it around the rim of his wineglass. "It's a personal rule of mine. I wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression."

"That's fine with me," Mingjue shrugged. "If you're up for it, I'll wait for as many dates outlasts your rule, 'cause I grill a mean steak."

Those dimples came back and he had sat back in his chair, voice light as he asked, "Oh? Won't you get bored?"

Mingjue had snorted and finished off his glass. "Just because I'd like to sleep with you doesn't mean I don't also want to get to know you, you know."

Mingjue was just getting to know the guy, so he couldn't be sure, but that answer seemed to please him.

The night of the cat disaster was the 4th on their run of dates--Mingjue had shooed Huaisang over to Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng’s house for the night and invited Meng Yao over via text for dinner and a movie and also the option of sex, if he wanted. 

Apparently, the bluntness had made Meng Yao laugh. Mingjue had texted back that he preferred honesty in all things and could handle a ‘no, thanks’ with plenty maturity. Meng Yao had replied, ‘I’m sure you can,’ which, he had very keenly noticed, was not a ‘no, thanks.’

Dinner had gone great--homemade meals always seemed to impress--and they had been preparing to split a chocolate lava cake in front of a shitty action movie they had both agreed on with the understanding that neither of them minded missing anything if they decided fooling around was more interesting.

But now, there was blood everywhere--on the dishes in the sink, on the towel they had hastily staunched it with, on the countertop and the mood was ruined because his giant, grumpy ass cat had decided to savage his date as they were cleaning up the table. Baxia had sniffed his leg suspiciously when he first came in, flinching away as he knelt down to offer his fingers. Then, she had fixed him with a glare, hissed, and turned around and stalked away, fluffy gray tail held high--which, for her, was practically a warm welcome. She had her boys--Huaisang and Mingjue--and hated pretty much everyone else (except for Wei Wuxian's older sister Jiang Yanli when she had dropped him off to hang out with Huaisang when his license got suspended. Which had happened a few times, now).

Everything had been fine with her while they ate--she had even spent it under the table, rubbing up against Mingjue's legs, staring up at Meng Yao without making so much as a peep. It was when they had risen that disaster struck. She had hopped up onto Meng Yao's chair and decided to take personal offense to his existence with absolutely no warning at all when he passed by with his hands full of silverware.

Now, Meng Yao’s long fingers curled into a fist as the cotton passed over a particularly deep part of the slice, though his face remained calm, so Mingjue winced for him. "Sorry. I swear, she's never done this before, I don't know what the hell her problem is."

Meng Yao shook his head, smile pressed and polite as he said, "Really, it's fine." He shifted on his feet to lean his hip against the cupboards and, immediately, Mingjue seized his elbows. 

“Are you dizzy?”

The other man had stiffened at the sudden movement, staring up at him. Then, he blinked and smiled, shaking his head. “No, I'm alright.”

Mingjue eyed him suspiciously. “You’re sure?”

He laughed. “I’m not going into shock, if that’s what you’re worried about. I’ve had much worse, trust me. I’m not going to pass out.”

Mingjue remained unconvinced. Instead of arguing further, he simply lifted him by the waist to sit on the island across from the sink for lack of a chair. Meng Yao let out the beginning of a squeak, hands automatically flashing up to bunch in the front of his shirt for balance. He blinked down at Mingjue, then the ground, then back at him, eyes wide and nostrils flared. Mingjue couldn't tell if it was annoyance, horniness, or a combination of both--and that was all well and good except that he was still bleeding and he knew from experience what a bitch blood was to get out of clothing. So he just pulled Meng Yao's arm out again and went back to work, asking, "So what was the 'much worse'?"

"Pardon?"

"You said you knew you're not going to pass out because you've had 'much worse'. What's the story there?"

"Ah. No story. I broke my arm. Compound fracture. I stayed awake the whole time, so a cat scratch is fairly minor, in comparison."

Mingjue hissed in through his teeth reflexively in sympathy and scanned him. Either he healed fantastically or the scar was higher up on his arms, under the soft cream sweater sleeves that were rolled up to his elbows--luckily, they had been rolled up before the attack and had escaped blood thus far. "Fuck. How'd that happen?"

"Fell down some stairs."

Mingjue raised an eyebrow at the stark explanation. "Well, maybe you shouldn't fall down stairs. Ever thought of that?"

Meng Yao smiled thinly down at him, dark eyes glinting in the fluorescent lights. "Mm. I'll have to keep that in mind." The dimples he searched for avidly were there, faintly, and Mingjue found himself wanting to nibble on them.

They hadn't done much else besides a kiss goodnight in the shadows near the entrance to the parking garages of their dates, because Mingjue was being good and keeping his hands above the belt. And he should probably figure out whether or not this date was going to have the eject button pressed, first. There was blood everywhere, still.

"Why all the First Aid classes?" Meng Yao asked suddenly, keeping his arm extended out even as Mingjue released him to rummage for the antibacterial spray. "Was it because your demon cat kept attacking people?"

Mingjue barked out a laugh and sprayed down his arm--Meng Yao didn't flinch. "At first, it was for lifeguarding, every summer since I was 16 until I graduated college. Now, I take refresher courses because I run a martial arts studio and shit can get real real fast, especially with newbies who try to fuck around." Tearing open the packet of sterilized gauze with his teeth so he could still hold his arm, he situated it and held it with a gentle thumb. "Tape or gauze wrap?"

Meng Yao shrugged. "I have no preference. Surprise me."

Gauze wrap it was. It would hurt less than pulling tape off his arm later. Meng Yao watched him finish up quietly, ankles linked, posture straight and proper even sitting on a kitchen counter. On impulse, Mingjue lifted his now bandaged arm and kissed the skin of his wrist, just below where the gauze stopped and got a slight shiver for his trouble. He looked up at him, then, an angle he was not used to but was definitely enjoying. "This has been a piss poor date. I really am sorry."

"The dinner was lovely before it ended in bloodshed, I promise," Meng Yao assured him, smiling. Then, it grew a little sly and he leaned in, slowly, stretching his arms out over Mingjue's shoulders to link behind his neck. "Although, you could always kiss it better."

Well, there was no possible way to misinterpret that particular invitation and he heartily took it, snugging Meng Yao up against him with hands on his hips and devouring him just as indulgently as he would the forgotten lava cake cooling on the stove top. He hummed in appreciation as Meng Yao's arms wrapped tighter, his thighs squeezing around his hips as he kissed back with just as much enthusiasm. He tasted like the dry wine they had finished the meal with.

All at once, though, Meng Yao froze, hands stilling in his hair. Before Mingjue had time to be confused, he whispered against his mouth, "I think your cat wants to kill me," eyes fixed on something over Mingjue's shoulder.

Mingjue craned his neck around to find Baxia perched on the counter next to the sink, tail swishing, gaze locked with Meng Yao, ears flicked out to the sides. She let out a low, quiet growl.

"Oh, for fucks sake," Mingjue growled back. "That's it. You're going in Huaisang's room for the night."

[just-asks-and-beats]

Land Ho!

Water. That was all Gray could see.. for soooo long. He just wanted to pass out. His body felt sluggish, it was getting harder by the minute to sit up straight, and his head was pounding. He tried to ignore it, but it really seemed like karma was beginning to catch up to him. It certainly didn’t help to be in the presence of Ship for the whole ride… they were too damn happy, too damn hug-y..? Is that even a word..? He didn’t know, didn’t care. He just wanted them to stop hopping around the ship hugging everyone and get to the volcano already. As a gentle sea breeze ruffled his cloak, he took a moment to let everything that was happening set in… Big mistake. He felt sick, guilt coming along with his realisations. Oh, how he didn’t want to have to face Barracuda.. but what other choice did he have!? What would everyone do to him if they found out who he really was…? He wished he’d died in that final fight.. he hardly even remembered what happened, just how much it hurt. Nobody had ever accepted him, and he was sure there were no chances at a happy life for him now. He’d ruined every chance he had. He let out a quiet sigh as he looked down at the water below…

Darkness. That was all Lycan- or Lichen? Was he still using the code-name? He didn’t remember… Anyway, it was dark. Way too dark. For soooo long. He hated being stuck as Gray’s body, it was getting hot being covered up in fabric the whole time! They wished Ship had a motorboat so they could just speed over to the volcano instead of this. It was hard to see, hard to breathe, and getting tiring holding Gray up. He wanted to complain about it, but alas, giving away both of their identities would mean quite a bit of trouble. He’d just have to complain to Barracuda when they got there. He began thinking of the volcano, how nice it would be to stay there again. Sure, his last visit ended in disaster, but it was the fun kind of disaster! He truly didn’t care about being corrupted, he just liked having the extra sass and slight power boost! Sure, they weren’t as much of a threat as they were when they’d first been corrupted, the treeangle shard greatly powering up the volcano, but they could still kick ass! He wondered how Bareacuda would react to seeing them both… a question entered his mind. Should he tell Barracuda that Gray is really Blixer…? Well, if Ship said he hadn’t been in a good mood lately, then the answer was probably no. He would just have to wait until Barracuda was feeling better to speak about it with him in private! …He hoped everything would go well when they arrived at the volcano…

The sea, the sky, the beautiful clouds, the shining sun, oh how Ship loved it. There was nothing better to them than setting sail, gazing out over the horizon… this “Gray” was quite the character. Gray top, blue bottom, they’d never seen another shape like him, but they certainly weren’t judging. They liked Gray, even if something about him seemed… off. They couldn’t quite place their finger on it, but they figured it best to let sleeping dogs lie, and let him live his own life without asking too many questions. Ship took out their telescope and pour it to their eye, getting a better look at everything. The telescope was a family heirloom, passed down through quite a few generations, and always kept on tip-top shape, just like their ships. As they gazed through the glass they took in a deep breath, letting out a hearty

“LAND HO!”

Gray had practically jumped right off Lycan- or Lichen? Were they still trying to convince everyone that sorry excuse for a lie was their name? He wasn’t sure. Anyway- he’d practically jumped right off their shoulders as Ship’s call rang out across the waters. He saw the volcano in the distance, quickly getting larger and larger. Finally.

Lichen sat up straight, fully alert. What was going on? He couldn’t see a thing and he felt too nervous to try and peek out.. Maybe the volcano was close! He really hoped so… luckily his guess was correct as he heard Ship began to speak about things like “droppin’ ye off ‘ere” and “dockin’ the boat”. He quickly told up, hiding his paws in the cook and holding onto Gray to keep him steady as he hopped out of the boat onto the volcano’s island.

“Alrighty, I hope everythin’ goes well for ye here, and I really hope ye can get that grumpy lad t’ be a bit more cheerful! I’m surprised he hasn’t “unleashed his wrath” on us yet! Well, maybe he just recognises ye! I wish ye the best o’ luck, I’ll be takin’ me leave now!” And with that, Ship began sailing away, leaving Gray on the island to try and help Barracuda. They waved to him as they sailed off.

“Ah, thank you ever so much for your generosity!” Lycan did his best to sound mature once again, speaking so Gray didn’t have to. He waved back where he’d heard Ship’s voice come from, hoping it was at least general the right direction, since he couldn’t see all too well. He heard Gray sigh.

“….Alright… let’s get goin’ I guess….” His voice sounded weak, and quieter than usual. Lichen felt a bit worried about the poor guy.. They peeked out of the cloak and began to walk towards the tunnel leading into the volcano. As they entered, Lycan finally looked out of the cloak completely, then kneeled down to Gray could get off of his shoulders. As Gray climbed down he really wasn’t really to hav to hold himself up completely on his own, and almost fell over, doing all he could to keep his legs from giving out entirely. He leaned against a wall of the cave, trying to be as nonchalant about everything as possible, but Lycan knew something was wrong.. Gray’s condition was getting worse.

“Uh.. you stay here! I’ll try to find Barracuda! I don’t think you’d do too well climbin around the rocks n stuff over the lava. I’m used to it though, or at least I was getting used to it when I was here for a bit… Whatever, I’ll be fine. See ya!” And with that he ran down the tunnel into the main area of the volcano.. Where was Barracuda? If he was apparently making such a fuss over here, then why wasn’t he there to greet them? Lycan scaled a rocky wall, climbing up to a ledge and jumping onto another rocky platform.

“HEY BARRACUDA!? I BET YA RECOGNISE MY ANNOYING VOOOIICE! DID YA MISS ME?” He called out, hoping for any kind of response.. Barracuda was the only one he knew that might be capable enough to help B- Gray without maybe also wanting to kill him. He needed to find him. He continued searching, leaping from place to place, his attention shifting more to the search than to his surroundings… He called out again to Barracuda, his voice echoing throughout the cavern. He hardly noticed a slight trembling of the rock beneath his feet. He walked to the ledge, ready to leap to a rocky wall and grab on when suddenly, just as he was about to jump, the rock broke beneath him. He yelped as his plunge to the lava below began. No! He didn’t want this to happen again, it hurt! He braced himself for the intense burning sensation when suddenly, he stopped! Something had grabbed him, a long tail of some sort curled around his torso, it’s grip tightening as he was slowly hoisted back up to a stable ledge. He gripped the ground below him, trembling slightly before shaking his head and trying to stand up… but he couldn’t. He noticed the tail was still tightly gripped around him… wait.. this is-!

“Just what do you think you’re doing here…?” A cold, stern voice asked. Lycan looked up to see none other than Barracuda glaring at him… suddenly he felt a lot more helpless. He stammered a bit before being cut off by one of Barracuda’s dramatic sighs. He pulled his tail closer to himself, bringing Lycan along with it. He took the time to inspect the pink splotches making their way into Lycan’s complexion.

“…I see the corruption hasn’t quite treated you well, has it? Let me guess, you’ve come to run from your problems..” His voice was calm, yet accusatory in a way. Lycan looked a bit uncomfortable, staring at the ground.

“…I.. I need your help.. we need your help. I have someone with me that.. isn’t doing too well.” He shrunk back as he noticed how infuriated Bareacuda looked.

“What do you think this volcano has become, a hospital!? Why do you think I would ever care about some stranger, and some annoying pup come to ruin my only chances as finding a sorry excuse for peace!?” Lycan gave a small whimper as Barracuda’s grip on him tightened as he got angrier, which seemed to make Barracuda let go of him altogether. He gave an almost apologetic look before curling his tail around himself and looking away.

“….Lycanthropy, I just want everyone to leave me alone. I have… much on my mind currently, and as you can tell i’m horribly irritable. So if you could just… leave. That would be ideal.” He tried to make “go away” sound a eloquent as possible.. Lycan seemed to get the message, but he had no other options.. he couldn’t leave.

“…I’m sorry for being so annoying and I promise I’ll try not to cause any trouble but please! Please let us stay, we don’t even have any way to leave and even if we go leave we have nowhere to go! Shapes started freaking out when they saw the pink growing back on me! And- and Gray is… I.. I’m worried he won’t last for much longer without any help and I don’t know what to do!” He looked at Bareacuda, desperate for any kind of look of pity. He got a flash of one, but Bareacuda quickly composed himself and returned his stern gaze.

“I have no help to give. I’m sorry. I can temporarily fix the bridge to this island so that you and this “Gray” may leave, but that. is. all.” Barracuda may be stubborn, but Lycan was too. He decided it was time for the final trick up his sleeve… the puppy eyes. He did his best to look as pitiful as possible, his big eyes shining as he did his best to convince Barracuda one final time to let them stay…. Eventually he got up, looking sadly at the way back down. He tearfully nodded as he climbed down, slowly making his way back to the tunnel where Gray was waiting. Barracuda felt… guilty. Did he really just deny a kid and someone who is potentially deathly ill from taking shelter here…? He didn’t want to think of himself as a bad person, but… this was certainly a new low. Oh how he hated this feeling, but… he couldn’t force Lycan and his friend to leave, his conscience would never recover.. He slowly slithered down, as he reached the bottom he used his magic to transform his serpentine bottom half back into normal legs. He ran into the tunnel after Lycan.

Gray has been sitting here alone for quite some time.. where was Lycan.. was he hurt…? He hoped not, he’d never forgive himself if he got this kid into even worse trouble… His head was foggy, thoughts swimming around and crashing into one another, he could hardly even stay awake. He didn’t notice the sound of footsteps approaching until Lycan was standing right in front of him, he sleepily looked up, slightly relieved to see him ok. Lycan began to speak to him… what was he saying…? Something about… Barracuda… guilt-tripping….? He had no idea what was going on… He noticed Lycan looked worried.. they knelt down in front of him and waved a hand in front of his face… what were they doing…? He just grunted and shook his head, he didn’t feel well.. Lycan backed off, but still seemed troubled as he stared at him. Then, Lycan looked over down the tunnel, he smiled a little and got up to greet someone… Gray did his best to see who it was…. it was Barracuda.. he really was here… he was staring at him, did he do something wrong…? He… wasn’t sure what expression Barracuda even had… he felt nervous, guilty… He felt so tired… Barracuda was here.. that was good…. he’d help… good… that means Gray could just… close his eyes… for a minute…

“D-DID HE JUST DIE!?” Lycan exclaimed, looking at Gray who practically just passed out. He looked over to Bareacuda for some kind of reassurance, but all he got was silence.. Barracuda was still staring at Gray, why? Was he that upset a stranger was here..? Lycan watched as Barracuda picked Gray up and walked away with him, taking the time to look back and make sure Lycan was following, which he was. Barracuda had changed his normal legs into a serpentine tail once again to scale the rocks, and had eventually lead Lycan through a small crevice, which lead into a larger cavern area, illuminated by a mixture of candles, lamps, and glowing mushrooms. Oddly enough, there was furniture here. There was a couch, a table and chairs, a laptop, and a whole bunch of boxes filled with all sorts of different things all neatly organised. There was a fire going, a pot hanging above it on a small rack, the smell coming from it made Lycan’s stomachs growl. He hadn’t eaten in a while and whatever was in there smelled great. Barracuda placed Gray down on the couch, grabbing a blanket and putting it over him, then going into the boxes and pulling out two bowls and spoons. He grabbed a ladle resting by the fire and used it to serve two bowl-fulls of a mushroom stew. He handed a bowl to Lycan, which quickly sat down at the table and began to scarf down his meal. He also took his bowl to the table and began eating in a much calmer manner. He looked up at Lycanthropy who clearly seemed to me enjoying the meal and slightly smiled to himself… maybe he could get use to these two idiots staying for a while..

[silentfcknhill]

AtLA + LoK Villains Evilness Rating

(If you wanna dispute my ratings I’ll be happy to tell you why.)

ATLA:

Ty Lee - 0.5 /10

Cinnamon roll. Too pure for this world. Naïve and will put her faith in you 100%. Kind of ditzy but can take you down with no hard feelings. Needs to be liked by everyone. Is very flexible. Can strangle you with her legs and giggle while doing it. Chooses bad friends. Has frustratingly good luck. 

Uncle Iroh- 1/10

Actual angel but could still open up a can of whoop-ass if necessary. Too supportive and forgiving. Loves tea, sitting around, speaking in proverbs and leading by example. Probably considers you a friend. Surprisingly powerful but mostly peaceful. Hard to provoke but if you do, just run. Fear the nice ones. 

Jet- 3/10

Misguided and extreme but also traumatized. Don't get in his way. Kind of twisted and obsessive af. Ends justify the means, until they don't. Needs a proper role model and has potential. Can be unreasonable and is still kind of a jerk. Will gaslight you. 

Prince Zuko- 3.5/10

Conflicted, violent and angsty but mostly needs a lot of reassurance. Has a major boner for his honor. Will freak out over nothing. Has been through a lot and will not be underestimated. Grumpy and willful af and won't listen to you until it's too late, then will blame you for misleading him. 

June- 4/10 

Might beat you up or kidnap you for money but it's nothing personal. Might insult you as a way of flirting. Looks pretty and delicate but don't be fooled. Can beat you up in a split second and not break a sweat. Will probably take all your stuff and never give it back. Lives for the tough girl aesthetic. 

Mai- 5/10

Is just bored and over it all. Throwing knives is something to do. Apathetic and will probably just follow along with whatever including murder but will complain the entire time. Emo af. Would risk it all for a quick nap. Prone to bite your head off. Too smart for you and will let you know. 

Wan Shi Tong- 6.5/10

A total dick. Tired of your shit and is judging you. Thinks humans are garbage and won't get involved with them until it suits him. Don't touch his books or he will literally eat you. Nerdiest bastard. Doesn't trust you so don't try any shit with him. Sees through your pathetic lies. Kind of an elitist.

Combustion Man- 7/10 

Thinks blowing shit up is a form of art. Doesn't believe in communication. Very serious and focused. Do not fight him. Probably gets crapped on more than he deserves. A mystery wrapped in a bald head. Probably has a tattoo of the names of all the people he's killed and he's ready to add yours. 

Hama- 7.5/10

Traumatized old hag. Created bloodbending but too crazy to do much with it now. May kidnap you and keep you in a dank hole forever. Seems sweet at first but is hiding a lot of secrets. Don't eat her cooking. Thinks sitting at home scheming is a job. Hates you for whatever small thing you did to her 57 years ago. Forgets nothing. 

Long Feng- 8/10

Conniving af. Will brainwash you, lie to your face and maybe make you disappear. Wants everything and will plot to take it all. Perfectionist and control freak, will stab you in the back and you won't see it coming. Is tired of taking everyone's shit. Thinks he deserves better but he doesn't. Kills children. 

Admiral Zhao- 8/10 

Explosive temper. Huge egomaniac and narcissist. Hates the moon. Has probably killed a lot of people and fish and you're next. Will do whatever it takes. Won't listen to anything you say. Punch first, ask questions never. Jumps to a lot of conclusions, is usually wrong. Frequently embarrasses self. 

Koh the Face-Stealer- 8.5/10 

Terrifying and will probably steal your face. Do not approach. Too indifferent to chase you but can be sneaky af so watch your back. Doesn't handle emotions well. A total loner. The guy who knows everything but nobody wants to talk to. Fear him. To know him is to hate him. Makes you question everything. 

Firelord Azulon- 9/10 

Will order your execution on a whim and maybe a relative or two first for the appetizer. Do not question him. Will play favorites and call you out on things that are his fault. Overreacts and you should probably not be around when it happens. Disapproves of all your choices and is very vocal about this fact. Forces parents to kill their children. 

Firelord Sozin- 9/10

Will commit genocide and take over the world while yelling at you for minor shit. Kind of a petty and jealous asshole. Even if you think he is your friend he isn't and is going to attack you. A big old bully with bad breath and a wonky beard. The original starter of all drama and certified instigator shitlord. 

Princess Azula- 9/10 

Unstable and manipulative. Sadist who thrives off of your fear and suffering. Will hurt you badly in all the ways. Avoid at all costs. Acts cold and calculating but really has no chill. Demands your respect but won't earn it. Trolling you gives her pleasure. The spawn of satan and loving it. Mommy issues to infinity. 

Firelord Ozai- 9.5/10

Second worst dad ever. No soul. Will burn every tree and face to a crisp. Child abuse for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Actual sociopath. Will kill someone and banish you for it. Goatee comes first. Will project all his insecurities on you. Will tell everyone your secrets. World's biggest megalomaniac. 

LOK: 

Varrick- 3/10

Will probably lie, try to con you out of money, order you to do things for him and tell bad jokes but that's as far as it's gonna go. Eccentric and annoying af. Doesn't know when to shut up. Needs to learn some lessons in life. Attracts more trouble than he's worth. Has all the good gossip somehow. 

Bataar Jr.- 3/10

The guy that nobody likes because he tries too hard and ends up ruining everything. Enjoys being a bitch. Wants to rebel but is bad at it. Do you love me now father? Tries to act like he doesn't care what you think but cares way too much. Will not kill you but might get engaged to your ex to spite you. 

Police Chief Saikhan- 3.5/10 

Will do anything you say for a price, except give a fuck. Doesn't really care about anything. Might arrest you just because he doesn't like you. The type to pretend he didn't hear you just to avoid responsibility. Likes to yell into things. Hates helping people. Is actually a giant rock in disguise. 

Tahno- 3.5/10 

A total prick. Has nicer hair than you and won't let you forget it. Very flamboyant and arrogant. Will gloat over being better than you at everything even though he cheated every time. Talks mad shit but can't walk the walk. Ultimately a big baby. Lowkey protect him. Wants to be the cool kid but isn't cool. 

Desna- 4/10

Couldn't care less. Actual inanimate object. Lurks around for no reason. Hates everything and that includes you. Listens to his elders and would probably leave you for dead. Just wants to sleep. Secretly goth. Might actually be two small robots in a trenchcoat pretending to be human. 

Councilman Tarrlok- 4.5/10

Attention whore with a savior complex. Smol bean who wants approval. Acts arrogant but is secretly depressed and self-loathing af. Stubborn and clingy emotional wreck with impulse control issues. Needs a hug. Will probably manipulate you through guilt or charisma. Wants to be Lucius Malfoy, but cries at night. 

Hiroshi Sato- 5/10

Has lost sight of what's important. Total extremist. Will get revenge on you for something you didn't even do. Well respected and seems innocent but is plotting your downfall. Can build a whole army and take you down. Kind of a traitor. Loyalty is volatile. Thinks he always knows what's best for you but doesn't know shit. 

The Lieutenant- 5/10

In way over his head. Wants to make a difference but has let bitterness take over. Will probably electrocute you. Puts his faith in the wrong people. Kind of snobby and will hold a grudge. 99 problems and benders are about 98 of them. Tired of being pushed around but still lets himself be pushed around. FLOPPY MUSTACHE. 

Aiwei- 5.5/10 

Thinks he's better than you and probably isn't. Wants to be sneaky but really is just too predictable. Boring af and tries to be unique but fails miserably. Lets everyone take advantage of him. Don't lie to him. Will harbor resentment and take it out on you at a random point in time. Discount Long Feng but not as smart or ambitious. 

Eska- 5.5/10

Will stalk you aggressively. Thinks slavery is a relationship. Eyeliner sharp enough to kill. Never betray her or she will destroy you. Might use you as a footstool. Seems emotionally dead inside, but don't test her dormant waters. Uses everyone and feels no guilt. Hipster trash. No concept of boundaries or social interaction. 

Ghazan- 6/10

Sarcasm game strong enough to fatally wound you. Doesn't say much. Has tree trunks for limbs and will probably use them to throw lava and rocks at you. Lowkey protective af. Don't get on his bad side. You can't get on his good side. Would rather kill everyone including himself than let you win an argument. 

Zaheer- 6/10

A wannabe hippie but will still fight the system and you too. Don't try to control him. Gets annoyed when people breathe too loud. Is kind of a contradiction. Will literally blow you away. Anarchy equals freedom. Fuck the police. Can sit in the same spot for a really long time. Probably a flat earther. 

Ming-Hua- 7/10

Has a significant disability but can still easily slaughter you. Innovative and sneaky af. As fast and agile as an actual lemur. A natural disaster wherever she goes. Doesn't listen to your advice. Overcompensates a lot. Probably her own worst enemy. Is quiet and likes to eavesdrop on your business. 

Kuvira- 7.5/10 

Wants to control everything. Who invited her to poop the party? Highkey evil and just plain mean. Will use your corpse as a decoration if you get in her way. Secretly petty and superficial af. Thinks social bonding is trying to seduce you in order to take charge of your life. Individuality punishable by death. Even other villains hate her. 

P'Li- 7.5/10

Can explode you with her mind. Her gaze will pierce you to the core. Strong independent and violent woman who don't need a man but chooses to have one anyway. Will shave you off just like the sides of her hair. Has no problem fucking shit up. Boss bitch. Loyal to only a select few, so too bad for you. 

Amon- 8/10

Charismatic but scary and mysterious af. Huge hypocrite. Will silently judge you. Powerful, selfish and cruel. Manipulative as hell and uses intimidation to get you to comply. Pretends to have empathy but really just wants control. Will cripple you physically and emotionally without warning. Knows all of your weaknesses but none of his own. 

Earth Queen Hou-Ting- 8.5/10 

The actual worst. Eats your pets for supper. Her yelling is the #1 cause of deafness worldwide. Will keep you prisoner and then have you killed for looking at her. The bossiest Drama Queen ever. Will be the cause of all your misery and will be proud of it. Bark is the same as her bite. Lots of daddy issues. 

Chief Unalaq- 9/10 

Religious extremist. Actually batshit insane. Wants to destroy the entire world. Has ascended from this pathetic plane of human existence. Loner whose only friends are invisible. Wants you to think he's just shy and misunderstood but NOPE. Knows what you want to hear and says it. Will sell you to satan for one cornchip. 

Yakone- 9.5/10

Worst dad ever. Will either bloodbend you, try to live vicariously through you or both. Absolutely no redeeming traits except for being physically human. Abuse equals tough love. Might beat your ass for no good reason and expect your gratitude for it. Criminal mastermind with no conscience and all of the entitlement. 

Vaatu- 10/10

Actually the devil. Literal incarnation of darkness and chaos. Ultimate troll and force of disaster in the world. Doesn't know any better, but still an asshole by choice. Will use you until you're no longer of value. Has a hard-on for destruction. Likes to play the victim. Will consume your soul and burp loudly.

[botwstoriesandsuch]

Yo what if the Champions’ spirits stuck around long enough to train the next gen? Hcs for that?

*blows dust off of ask* Sorry this took so long, hope you weren’t too comfy sitting in my inbox there. Alrighty! Time for some

Training Montages *Rocky Theme Plays* (Headcanons)

Credit to @champion-of-the-sky​ for some help with the hcs

Ok, the first part of this post it just gonna be some of my thoughts into how the Divine Beasts actually work, because that’s kinda of necessary information if you wanna train them. So here is another one of my big boi head canon posts because sometimes I can’t shut up.

So firstly, the Divine Beasts can draw immense power from Hyrule which is stored over time and charges their giant laser thingys (Naboris draws power from the earth and makes electricity, Ruta takes in water from the atmosphere, Rudania is fire boy, Medoh has wind and thermal (from the atmosphere) generators, etc. etc.)

The Ancient Sheikah were like “hey wow these are really powerful beasts so maybe we should make sure that no one unworthy gets their hands on them”

Their solution was to have a spiritual bond between the beast and the pilot. Each Divine Beast has their own “soul” or personality and can judge someone of being worthy of piloting them. And only that person would have the power to use the Divine Beast to its full potential (AKA use the giant Anti-Ganon lasers)

Ergo, the Champions

When the died 100 years ago, their spirits stuck around because Ganon need to trap their spirits in order to get the Divine Beasts to actually work

[And then this would be a good segue-way into that cool idea where the Link has to fight the Champions taken over by malice, instead of the blights. BUT we’re not talking about that today]

Ok, so you know the story. Link frees the Divine Beasts from Ganon’s grasp. The spirits of the dead Champions command a legendary blow against the blight of Hyrule. Zelda and Link help save the day. Yay!

HOWEVER! The Champions are still there, their spirits persist.Turns out their spirits cannot go away, because the Divine Beasts don’t really wanna go without an owner, considering they’ve been controlled by Ganon for 100 years, so fair.

Basically, the Beasts wont let the spirit of their old pilots go until they find a suitable successor

Enter, new gen Champs!

Daruk/Yunobo

Training with a Divine Beast is not unlike trying to form a bond with a real animal. In fact, the Beasts do behave with a mind of their own, so that might as well be an on point analogy

Daruk struggled with Rudania because its personality was very stubborn and blunt, much like the Goron race anyhow. As said in my other post, Rudania’s personality clashes with the playful and loving nature of Daruk

The only reason Daruk even got the handle on things was becuase Link forced him to spend a whole day in the Divine Beast. We can only speculate that from that time, Daruk must have somehow formed a mutual respect or protective bond with the giant lizard

So essentially, when he’s training Yunobo, he does the exact same thing

“You just gotta walk around for a bit, Yunobo. Get a feel for ol’ Rudania. They’re a grump, but you’ll get along.”

“G-get a feel? We’re surrounded by lava! What if I mess up? What if your Divine B—”

“Your, Divine Beast”

“Right, right… but what if it doesn’t like me and tips my into Death Mountain’s core!”

Daruk gives a hearty laugh. “Kid, you helped save ol’ Ruddy from Ganon, remember? You’ve already got a good bond going. So just walk around for a bit and just take ‘em all in. Good luck!”

And he slams the door behind him, leaving Yunobo in the dark

But he’ll eventually get around to forming a bond. But Rudania’s probably a little grumpy that they’ve gone from reckless pilot who laughs too much, to timid teenager gifted with a powerful champion ability that he is self-conscious about

Daruk is hella encouraging with Yunobos training. The kid will eventually be the second best with his Beast. Daruk is patient with Yunobo because he sees himself in him. And he also teaches him some cool tricks like if you tilt Rudania just right, you get a cool slip and slide ramp that’s perfect for the hot springs

Urbosa/Riju [not a lot for these guys bcs I’m lazy and this post is long anyway]

Urbosa would be playful with Riju when they train, making goofy jokes about things, letting out a quick joke to lessen and tension Riju might feel from her anxiety to lead her people. At the same time, she also explains things with good detail

Riju is third best with her beast. Occasionally, she’ll be intimidated by Naboris’ strength and power, especially considering she had an incident with Patricia the Sand Seal back when it was shooting lightning everywhere

However, she’s the one to ask the most questions, half of which Urbosa can’t answer. She’s got that childish curiosity that serves well in her understanding of Naboris

Mipha/Sidon [also not a lot because using your imagination can be hard]

Mipha and Sidon just act like siblings, much to both of their delight. It’s less of training, and more of catching up on everything over the last a hundred years on top of a giant elephant.

Because they’re siblings, Mipha pulls little pranks on her little brother on purpose. But neither are really annoyed by it, as they both laugh it off

Like Mipha will tell Sidon to stand in a certain spot to see how the parts of Ruta move. Then she makes Ruta move in such away to splash the poor prince in gallons of water

You’re gonna ruin his handkerchief Mipha!

Sidon is the best at managing his Divine Beast out of the four, for not only does he have a strong bond with the previous pilot, but he gets along well with Ruta’s playful personality

Revali/Teba

Local birds butt heads because they’re both egotistical idiots

Revali continues to be as dramatic as usual, while also maintaining his image by claiming that Teba will probably never master Medoh as well as him

Teba respects Revali given that he was his childhood hero. Yet at the same time Revali isn’t exactly what he expected, and he’s not down to take this sass from a teenager

Perfect storm of dumb banter, because both have reluctance in the whole situation

Teba gives out a groan, frustrated. “Argh! This damn bird wont start its propellers. How do I get it to work?”

“Perhaps Medoh is still tired. After all, you’ve been complaining none stop all day.”

“Right, my voice is the problem.”

“Why don’t you sing her a lullaby, she’s probably so sleepy.”

Teba scoffs, “You’re kidding. There’s no way that would work. Beside, there’s no way I’m sing—”

“Why don’t you hold your tongue, my dear apprentice,” another groan escapes Teba, “You’re going to hurt Medoh’s feelings with that attitude. Tulin is your son, yes? Surely you’ve sung a tune or two back in his fledgling days?”

“Sure, but I’m not gonna—”

“Medoh wants to hear you s i n g~”

Revali is strict with his training, and Teba probably struggled with Medoh the most out of the four, considering that before Link came along, he had the mindset of killing Medoh. 

Teba still repescts everything Revali is doing, making sure to call him “Master Revali.” And though he would never admit it, Revali’s feathers would always fluff with pride at the notion of it

Also he’s gonna call Teba his pupil/apprentice throughout the entire session

Angsty moment: when each Champion thinks their apprentice is ready, THAT’S the time they get their final rest and their spirits move on. Like, imagine Sidon wanting to Master Ruta to make his sister proud, but at the same time the day he does is when she is gone for good.

That looks like a good note to end off of! So yay :)

[strangermask]

Lava, and(or) body swap? :D

Hello! I am deeply sorry you had to wait so long for this. I hope you do like it though. I’m going to put under keep reading because it’s 1,000 words long

Kai and Cole waited patiently for Wu to finish Mind tea. The two were having a hard time clearing their head, and the others weren't helping. Soon, Wu came in with the tea. "Here we go, this should clear your heads and put you in a more relaxing state." Wu said as he gave the two the teacups.

"Thank you, Master Wu." Cole said.

He and Kai started to drink the tea. After drinking the last drop, the two began to feel tired.

"Is the tea suppose to make us tired?" Kai yawned.

"No, it's not supposed to do that," Wu answered. "Something must have gotten in the tea."

"What does that mean?" Cole asked.

"Something else is going to happen instead of clearing your head."

"What!" Kai exclaimed.

The two boys started to get more tired, fighting to stay awake. But alas, they both failed and passed out. Wu called Lloyd and Zane over.

"Master Wu, what's wrong?" Zane asked.

"I can't tell yet, but I need you two to take Kai and Cole to their rooms." Wu ordered.

Lloyd and Zane nodded. Zane picked up Cole, and Lloyd picked up Kai. They left the room, and Lloyd remembered how far Kai's room was.

"Do you think they'll be fine if we leave them in the same room?" Lloyd asked.

"They might feel uncomfortable." Zane stated.

"But Kai's room is so far."

Zane sighed.

"Alright."

Kai and Cole were taken to Cole's room and placed on his bed.

A few hours later.

Kai woke up groaning. He had a pounding headache. He sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"Why am I in Cole's room?" Kai asked himself. He jumped a little when he heard his voice. "What's wrong with my voice?"

He heard groaning next to him and felt the bed shift.

"Jeez, what did that tea do?" a voice said.

Kai froze. That sounded like his voice.

"What happen to my voice?" the voice spoke again.

Kai looked to the left of him and froze. He saw his body. His body looked at him, and its eyes widen.

"...Kai?"

Kai took a closer look at his body. Its eyes were green and orange.

"Cole?"

The two stayed silent, then screamed and fell off the bed.

"You're in my body!" They both exclaimed.

They heard footsteps, and the others came into the room.

"We heard screaming, is everything okay?" Wu asked.

"Master Wu." Kai and Cole said.

Wu took a closer inspection of the boys.

"Your eyes are different."

"We swapped bodies." Cole said.

"What?" Nya raised an eyebrow.

"So, this is what the tea did." Wu stroke his beard.

"Tea?"

"Kai and Cole told me they were having trouble clearing their head, so I made tea for them. Except it seemed to backfire."

"You can fix this, right?" Kai asked.

Wu stroke his beard.

"I will have to get reversal tea, but it might take a while to find the ingredients."

Kai and Cole groaned. All of a sudden, an alarm went off. Everyone rushed to the control room.

"Looks like there's trouble in Ninjago City." Zane said.

The ninjas were going to suit up, but Wu stopped Kai and Cole.

"You two are staying here." Wu ordered.

"What!" Kai exclaimed.

"You are in unfamiliar bodies. There is no way to know what might happen if you both are sent out to fight."

"But, Master Wu-"

"No buts. You both are staying here."

The others got in their gi and went out to save Ninjago City. Wu was starting to pack a small bag.

"Where are you going?" Cole asked Wu.

"I'm going to find the ingredients to return you both to your original bodies," Wu answered. "I expect you two to not go on missions while I'm gone."

"Yes, Master Wu." Kai and Cole said.

Wu left, and Kai sighed.

"What are we supposed to do?" Kai asked.

Cole shrugged.

"This is the worst day ever."

"Well, at least we don't have to worry about the others finding out about our secret dating life." Cole reassured.

"I guess your right."

The two stood awkwardly.

"I'm going to get something to eat." Cole said and walked to the kitchen.

He looked around for something to munch on. He spotted some cookies on a top-shelf. He put his hand out to grab it, but he couldn't reach it. He got on his tiptoes, but he still could not reach it.

"Why can't I reach it?" Cole asked himself, then remembered he was in the shortest person in the team. He grumbled. "Kai! Why do you have to be so short!"

Kai came in the kitchen, confused.

"What does me being short have to do-"

"How about you look at my challenge right now?" Cole interrupted Kai.

Kai saw Cole reaching for the cookies and started to laugh.

"Don't laugh at me!" Cole scolded.

"Now, you know the struggles of being short." Kai snorted.

"Oh, being tall is better?"

"It gives me this advantage."

Kai picked Cole up.

"That's not an advantage! You're using my super-strength!"

"Is it now?"

"Kai Ash Smith put me down right now."

"I think I'll just drag you to the couch instead."

Kai carried Cole to the couch while he tried to get out. Kai sat down with Cole in an unescapable grasp.

"You suck." Cole said.

"Excuse me, you do this to me, every time." Kai told Cole.

Cole grumbled, then an idea came to his head.

"At least your not tickling me." Cole said.

"Does Teddy want tickles?"

"You wouldn't dare."

Kai started to tickle his body's most ticklish spots. Cole started to laugh. This went on for a little while until a snort was heard. Kai immediately stopped tickling Cole, but he continued to laugh.

"W-Why did you stop?" Cole asked.

"No reason." Kai lied.

"Was it because I snorted?"

"No."

Cole smirked.

"You just revealed one of your biggest secrets to me."

"What?"

"I know your ticklish spots now."

Kai turned pale.

"You are a monster."

"Hey, you tickle me every time we're alone."

Kai let Cole go and pouted.

"Did I make grumpy kitty grumpy?" Cole asked in a baby voice. 

"I'm not grumpy." Kai gritted.

"How about a drama show to make you feel better. Sound good?"

Kai nodded, and Cole turned the tv on.

Two hours later.

Kai was now cuddling Cole. The two made up for what happened earlier, and they're just chilling.

"Oh please, Karen," Kai rolled his eyes. "You can't even tell the difference between satin and silk. What makes you a sewing genius?"

"You are getting sassy."

"If Karen would stop acting like she's a sewing god, I'd be less sassy."

Cole chuckled.

"Hey, Kai?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

The two boys kissed.

"You two are dating!?" Someone shouted.

The two pulled away and looked at the door. The others were standing there, shocked.

"When did you guys get back?" Kai asked.

"Just now," Nya answered. "How long has this been going on?"

Kai and Cole look at each other.

"About two years?" Cole answered shyly.

"Two years! Why didn't you say anything?"

"Jeez, I wonder why," Kai said. "Why wouldn't we tell you guys, who try to push us to date, ask us questions about love, freak out over a friendly conversation that you state as a 'beginning of relationship', about Cole's and my relationship."

The others started to look guilty.

"Now if you'll excuse us, we are in the middle of watching a show."

"I'm talking to you about this later." Nya told Kai.

Kai nodded and shooed the others away.

"This isn't how I imagine the others finding out." Cole said awkwardly.

"Well, at least we don't have to keep it a secret anymore." Kai comforted.

"Yeah, I guess."

Kai sat there silently, signaling Cole that Kai wanted another kiss. So Cole gave Kai another kiss on the lips.

[thanksjro]

The Transformers #22- Chaos Theory Part 1: Space Racism, Space Classism, and Space Pseudo-Romantic Tension Between Rivals

Before I jump into this comic, it is positively vital I talk about Drift.

Drift is an IDW original character, born on the page without any previous rendition. He was introduced in All Hail Megatron #5, which was Shane MeCarthy’s fifth solo writing credit for IDW publishing. He waited a whole five comics to introduce an original character, and Drift had reason and purpose to his creation- he was meant to honor Japan as the home of Transformers. He existed to show what a Decepticon defector would be like, and how both factions were losing the plot of the ideals they fought for. Pretty thought out stuff.

Meanwhile, in The Transformers #22, on the FIRST FLIPPING PAGE-

Okay, to be fair, Rung isn’t super important here. He will be later on, but as it is, he’s just a funny little creamsicle man who’s wandered into the scene. This also isn’t technically his first appearance within the IDW publications; in the Last Stand of the Wreckers, there are several character profiles, penned in-universe by Rung, going over the members of the Wreckers and their various emotional/mental ailments. This is still quite the step up for him, however. To think, he started out as a one-off psych joke in Eugenesis. He’s come such a long way. I’m so proud of him.

Anyway, our story begins in the past, at Maccadam’s New Oil House, where it’s time for Megatron’s character depth injection. He and Impactor are having drinks- Impactor’s had several glasses of what appears to be molten lava, while Megatron’s more of a children’s cough syrup kind of guy- and Megatron’s showing his friend his writing. You see, Megatron’s a bit of a revolutionary, and an intellectual one at that.

Megatron is dissatisfied with the current state of affairs on Cybertron, and as a man of the people- he is but a lowly miner at this point in time- he feels it is the duty of the public to incite change through the power of language and critical thinking. 

That’s not really Impactor’s style though, as we find out when Rung gets tossed onto their table, and Impactor decides that the best course of action to take is to start punching the guys who’re throwing entire robots around in a bar full of very breakable glasses and drunkards.

In the present day, Megatron’s still hooked up to that full-body harness, and is currently being seen to by Ratchet… and Perceptor. When the hell did Perceptor get here?

Oh, okay, cool. Thank you, TFWiki.

Ratchet runs a bit different than one would expect him to here, not quite as grumpy as he’ll end up in MTMTE, and a bit superstitious. No, the role of the strictly-fact-based bluntness has been awarded to Perceptor this issue, who quells Ratchet’s concern with Megatron using his labelled black hole/antimatter powers by telling him to stop being stupid.

Meanwhile, in the observation room, Ironhide, Optimus Prime, and Xaaron are watching this scene go down. Xaaron’s here to act as legal council, since Megatron’s surrendered himself to the Autobots and is therefore a prisoner of war. Is this the first time legal precedent has been taken into account by the Cybertronian population in the IDW run? No, but it does seem as if Xaaron’s just about the only form of legal council they have. No wonder the planet’s such a mess.

There’s a reference to the fact that Ironfist is fucking dead, and then Xaaron leaves to talk to Wheeljack.

Don’t you smile about that, you absolute jag.

Something is bothering Optimus Prime. Megatron seemed off when they last spoke, as if he were putting on a performance. Which he kind of was, considering he invited the entirety of his Decepticon forces to watch him and Optimus beat the shit out of each other. Does Megatron want to- dare we dream it?- end the war? Only one way to find out: Ironhide suggests a heart to heart.

Back in the past, Megatron is being questioned by a cop, in the aftermath of what happened at Maccadam’s.

Did Megatron get his group’s tagline from some prison graffiti? I suppose inspiration can strike someone anywhere, at any time.

Springarm’s questioning Megatron, or at least he’s attempting to- seems to be having a hell of a time with both reading comprehension and having an outdated form. Cold construction gets its first mention in officially published media- an idea played around with in Eugenesis- and then Whirl shows up to save Springarm from embarrassing himself further. Whirl is a cop here, but don’t worry, he gets better.

Back in the present, Optimus is psyching himself up for his conversation with Megatron.  He enters, has the audio in the observation room cut, and Wheeljack loses a bet.

Oh hey, Drift, been a minute.

Optimus wants a proper conversation with Megatron, but Megatron points out that it isn’t exactly fair that he’s strapped in place, filled with inhibitor chips, and primed to be electrocuted to death if he so much as sneezes. Optimus agrees with him, and releases Megatron from his bonds, then offers him a chair and a cup of tea.

So, Optimus and Megatron get to talking. Actual talking, not the “taking turns reacting” stuff they usually get up to.

And then Optimus more or less calls Megatron a hateful son of a bitch to his face. Which Megatron seems to take in stride.

I think Megatron is the only guy in the universe to hate so insanely hard that it turned off his ability to get hot and bothered.

Of course, Megatron doesn’t hate Optimus- oh, he could never. He just hates everything he stands for, and everything he does. Which, uh, doesn’t leave a whole lot left over to not-hate. When asked if he hates Megatron, Optimus isn’t nearly as composed and elegant about his thoughts. It’s like he thinks “hate” is a dirty word. So did I, when I was, like, six.

They’ve been at war for so very long, it’s gotten to the point where the entirety of the galactic council has kicked any Cybertronian representative out, because these guys clearly have some issues that just aren’t getting resolved. Maybe if they had more than a single mental health specialist for the entire population they’d get somewhere.

As it currently stands, Optimus just wants to know what the hell Megatron is even doing all this for. Megatron says it’s for control and dunking on lower lifeforms with space racism. Optimus thinks that’s a load of horseshit, and presses for more details.

There’s our first mention of the Knights of Cybertron, who become a major plot point in the IDW Phase 2 publications. We’ll hear more about them later on.

It seems as if Optimus and Megatron share the basest of values- both want peace. Optimus just isn’t really digging the whole “subjugate the people for a better tomorrow” shtick Megatron’s touting.

Megatron doesn’t like being compared to Optimus, who’s about as centrist as it gets- Megatron is a radical if there ever was one, and he’s been fighting for his beliefs for the last four millions years, tooth and nail.

Not that these robots have nails.

Back in the old days, the Senate divvied up the populace by alt-mode, and whatever you turned into, that was your job. Personal taste, interest, and  talent weren’t factors. That’s why Megatron worked in the mines- he wasn’t allowed to do anything else. This is Functionism, another plot point that will be factoring into Phase 2 pretty heavily.

Optimus didn’t really oppose Functionism at the time, seeing as he was a rather privileged individual, and also a cop back in the day. Everyone’s a friggin’ cop in this continuity.

But enough about systemic oppression of the masses, it’s time to reminisce on the good old days- also known as every single time Optimus and Megatron have ever tried to kill each other. It’s a lot. Like, a lot. And then they have a good laugh about it.

This isn’t a healthy response to stress, you two. Someone throw Rung in there and lock the door for a couple weeks.

Optimus says that he wants to end the war. All Megatron has to say is that he wants it too, and it’ll end. Megatron doesn’t say anything to that. Optimus still hasn’t figured out just why Megatron surrendered, but it looks like time’s up, and he strings Megatron back up and exits the room.

Later, Autobot High Command is having a meeting, with Bumblebee, Ultra Magnus and Prowl having telecommed in. It’s an emergency meeting, over the complicated legality of Megatron’s trial. Since the Galactic Council isn’t returning their calls, they don’t have any sort of neutral third party to run this thing, and the Autobots can’t just hand out sentencing themselves, because they have a natural bias. Magnus suggests they give Chief Justice Tyrest a ring, seeing as he’s considered a neutral by the Galactic Council.

There’s another part to this issue though; because of the nature of this case, the prosecution gets to decide Megatron’s punishment, should he be found guilty. They start putting it to a vote, but Optimus says that it’s his decision since Megatron has been his responsibility for the last few million years, completely cutting Bumblebee out.

Y’know, Bumblebee. The current appointed leader of the Autobots.

Why do we even bother having elections, if Optimus is just going to pull this whenever it’s convenient?

Then Rodimus calls Optimus out on being potentially compromised, since he listened in on his little chat with Megatron. Optimus reacts to this about as well as he can.

That is to say, not at all.

Back in the past, it’s time for some good old-fashioned police brutality.

How in the hell do you even punch someone when the closest thing you can make to a fist is more akin to a torpedo in shape? I guess only Whirl knows.

Whirl’s decided that he’ll be killing Megatron for his two little buddies, and he almost gets to it before Springarm busts in and stops him. Megatron’s being released, on the captain’s orders, because the captain went through Megatron’s things and read his writing, revealing himself to be a violenceless revolutionary.

Impactor, what the fuck.

The captain is Orion Pax, by the way.

In the present, Optimus is back in Megatron’s room, because that will certainly help his case of being on the up and up. He wants to know why Megatron surrendered, and he wants to know NOW DAMMIT. Megatron asks him to rephrase the question, then goes full edgelord in an attempt to make Optimus react, because it’s the only way the two of them know how to interact at this point.

Megatron gets what he asks for, and Optimus realizes that perhaps attempting to murder his greatest rival minutes after having been revealed as a have a soft spot for the guy wasn’t the greatest idea. He leaves the room before things can get more awkward.

He runs into Ironhide in the hallway, who asks how things are. Not great, Ironhide. Not great. Optimus committed an act of violence on a bound man, thus feeding his hatred of authority figures.

In the past, Megatron finally corrects the etymology error everyone’s been making with his name.

Because that’s not a massive red flag right there.

Megatron’s free to go, and Springarm gives him his little journal back. Too bad Megatron’s been tainted by the ᴘᴏᴡᴇʀ ᴏꜰ ᴠɪᴏʟᴇɴᴄᴇ and doesn’t nearly believe as much as he once did in the power of the written word. He tosses his writing away, causing his first incident of property damage and foreshadowing his future.

That’s the end of the comic, but not the end of the issue. In the back of the book is a little blurb welcoming Roberts to the writing chair and calling him out as a bit of a dork, then a sign-off from Andy Schmidt as Senior Editor of IDW, which also calls him out as a bit of a dork.

So that’s the start of the Chaos storyline. Lots of setup here, both for Chaos and things further down the line. This is a sharp left turn from how the prior issues of this series have gone. It’s not just people punching one another in the face. I’m getting a feeling that character motivation is lurking in the wings here.

[quiet-hypnotist]

Of Drinks And Dreams

(Just a quick heads-up:  This story features a fairly conversational induction scene. And given the nature of that style, please have a content warning. All suggestions that the tist in this story mentions are about feeling pleasure from obedience and being taken into hypnosis. At the end there is the mention of a re-induction trigger, yet that along with all suggestions is framed to fade as the story ends, much like waking from a dream. A dream about what exactly? Well, for that much detail you gotta read it yourself. Enjoy!)

“Hey there. I hope you saved a beer for me.” The friendly call turned some heads, but not more than on any other Friday evening in this place. The small hotel bar wasn’t exactly the place where people would go to find isolation.  During the work days that might have meant a bustling bartender and busy waiters all throughout the room. Yet as it so often went the last days of the week flushed only the weary or the troubled through the doors. And whoever didn’t silently cling to their glass eventually let silky dark air outside flush them back out the same way, sending them to bed or back to the grind.

As such the room was already almost deserted, the only one’s who truly took note were the three people who, with beaming faces, turned to face the source of the noise and wave. The two guys sitting across from each other smirked before one of them corrected their glasses for the dramatic effect, donning their best imitation of what might have otherwise been a stern voice: “Get your butt moving and order one then. Ain’t no one saving a drink for the tardy around here.”

“Oh, woe is me! My best friends leave me to just die of thirst.” “Yeah,” the second guy nodded with a smug grin, “and of hunger, too. Don’t think just because you let me copy your notes every week that you’d get even one of these fries from me.” “Oh, guys, c’mon! He was just half an hour late. Why would we possibly have a reason to take that out on him?” The group’s only lady looked no less amused by the exchange than the other two. Though as she shifted in her seat to tug a strand of pink hair behind her ears that expression softened from one of mockery to honest warmth. “Take a seat for now. And here’s your drink.” As he seated himself opposite from her she pushed a filled glass in front of him. “And here I thought I would get to see the day where you finally keep all the good stuff to yourself.” Despite the words he received it with thanks, all the more seeing as both she and the guys still had their own glasses right there. “Already on the second round?” “Don’t be ridiculous,” the first speaker waved it aside, “isn’t it only natural we’d wait for you?” On the other side of the table the smug guy laughed. “Ryan, you do notice how much you’re contradicting yourself, right?” Adjusting his glasses again more out of embarrassment over his act from before than of necessity, Ryan countered: “Not like you or Brielle were any better.” “Oh, I don’t know,” Brielle winked, “I think Jeff here was pretty convincing. Or can you imagine him willingly sharing food with anyone?” “Ah, you have a point.” “Excuse me? What are you implying here?” “Nothing, of course. Could these eyes lie to you?” “Damn, yes, they could.” “Hey now, that’s the privilege of a lady.”  “C’mon, Erik, say something to her, will you?” Instead of saying something he took a sip from the offered beer before chuckling. “Nah, I think I’ll let you folks do the talking tonight.” “See, that is why I don’t share my fries with him.”

“Don’t tell me…” Brielle stopped to take a good look at his face. “Did it happen again?” He nodded. For a moment the group fell silent. “Damn, you really have it figured out, huh?” “I wish.” Ryan shook his head in disbelief. “You need to get a grip, man. There’s no way it works like that.” “You’d really think so.” It was always the same reaction. Not like Erik could blame them. Honestly, he himself often enough doubted what was going on. And he was there when it happened. How would they have an easier time believing it?

“Err, sorry to be the party pooper or something.” Jeff scratched his head in hopes of finding the right tone for the occasion: “But could someone maybe give me a quick rundown here? What are you even saying happened? Traffic jam or some such? We… we are talking about why Erik was late, aren’t we?”

Brielle chuckled with that same helpless eye roll as the day Erik had first told her about it. Ryan meanwhile frowned: “You haven’t heard yet?” “That’s why I’m asking, wouldn’t you say?” “Hey, no need to get snarky. Just… oh, who am I kidding, it’s not like I would have that clear an idea myself.”

To assist him Brielle mentioned: “Erik chatted up a girl.”

And fell silent again. As if that would explain anything. Thousands of people chatted up someone. And just as Erik would have expected, Jeff seemed to be of a similar opinion: “Hey man, good for you! You’ve been single long enough! What’s it been since that cutie from the pool party? Six years? Seven?” “Something like that,” Erik forced himself to smile, “but it’s not what you think.”

“Aww, no need to get shy now! We’ve all flirted with a girl before here. Some of us still are.” Jeff winked at Brielle who just let one of her hands disappear under the table. Seconds later he grimaced but at least today he managed to not make a sound despite the pain where she pinched him.

“You’ll never learn, will you?” Erik sighed. “But be that as it may, really, it is not like that. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I had every intention on maybe getting her number. Ask her out on a date, get to know her. You know the drill. But… well, I kinda… talked to her.”

Still wary and with a grumpy glace at the girl besides him Jeff fired back: “That’s usually how flirting with someone new works, Mr. Smartypants. Though hopefully you didn’t only talk to her. Because if that is how you ended up half an hour late I have an idea why you’re making such a long face now.”

Ryan on the other hand nodded, suddenly a lot milder than a few minutes ago: “I feel you there, buddy, believe me. They wanna hear about your hobbies and before you even get into the third arc of Gundams they mysteriously have a prior engagement to get to.” “No, sorry, that might be just your problem there.”

Brielle shut the guys up with a glare that probably would have managed to freeze lava if she tried. Before directing her attention back to Erik, all concern and worry. “What I don’t understand,” she carefully approached the issue, “is why it keeps happening? It would be odd enough if it happened at all, of course, however sometimes life just plays out that way. But every time?” “Tell me about it,” he grimaced. She didn’t seem to press on after seeing his expression. A gap that Jeff more than eagerly used to get a word in himself: “Or better yet, you tell us! Sure you might not exactly play up there with the big movie stars when it comes to sex appeal, but really I can’t see a single reason why you wouldn’t find a date when you actually make an honest effort. So what are you doing that it ends up like this each time?”

It was obvious that their interest was raised to the point where they would never let him off the hook. Especially Jeff, friendly, supportive, nosey Jeff. If Erik didn’t watch his step the guy might just drag him to five blind dates a week until the matter was solved or something. He sure wouldn’t hesitate all for the sake of helping a friend. Though would it really be considered help given the circumstances? So he cleared his throat, taking another sip of liquid courage and tried to express just how it went.

“Really, I’ve been convinced it had to be just a coincidence for the longest time, much like you guys. I mean, it sounds lunatic no matter how you slice it. Chatting up a hot person is enough of a hurdle as it is. But seeing how odd they behave every time… ”

“So what if they tiptoe around you not being their type?”

“Oh, no. No, I doubt you could call it that. Though granted, that’s what anyone would think the first couple times around. So, you know, that’s a fair point to make. But no. It’s not like they feigned interest until a convenient distraction moves the conversation into safer waters. Or like they mysteriously get phone calls that need them to leave and postpone any meetings with me for the indefinite future. Nothing of the sort.”

It had a soothing effect to watch the golden brown alcohol swirl in the glass when he gently moved it while speaking and he found the motion helped the words flowing.

“If anything it is exactly… well, maybe not exactly but still pretty much the opposite. They don’t lose interest. If I had to say it, they get too interested in what I say. Like this girl today. She actually was the one coming up to me this time.”

“Aren’t you just bragging now?” Jeff’s question was swiftly followed by a painful yelp and a death glare that quickly vanished behind Brielle’s gentle encouragement: “Now I would get why you’re sure she wouldn’t just politely avoid you.”

“Right?” He appreciated how she helped him get back on track after the interruption. “I don’t even really remember what she started off with, but within a couple minutes we found ourselves sitting down at a nearby bench with two cheap paper cups in our hands and letting the heat of the coffee inside just warm our fingers. And I want to claim that we had a really eloquent conversation about this or that, but… well, to be honest I just talked. And I guess it was fine because she didn’t do much else. The words just kept flowing as a welcome reason to sit together, spend the time in each other’s company and  whatever was said didn’t even matter compared to just keep that moment going.”

Jeff seemed to have some words of his own but no sooner had he opened his mouth when with a careful glance at the pink haired girl next to him he fell silent. Erik barely noticed how dumbfounded he looked with his mouth opening and closing like a carp. In his mind he was back there, on the bench, a flimsy cup of coffee in his fingers instead of cold beer, once more seeing the expression of that young woman.

“She didn’t mind just listening. In fact sometimes she would nod along much as if she were feeling every word she heard. Maybe you already know that sort of fugue when it just feels so right to listen that the only important thing becomes to keep hearing that other person’s voice?” “Mhm,” Brielle murmured, all her attention on him. The guys both leaned back, evidently happy to wait their turn with further words.

“And honestly, had anyone been seeing the two of us sit there it likely wouldn’t have seemed like something out of the ordinary. Just imagine it, taking a stroll in the sun and seeing her there, focused on every word she heard and yet not being aware of a single one of them. Because in that moment it was much better to let the warmth from the cup soak into her. Much easier to simply nod and listen. So very comfy to stop thinking about where the conversation flowed. And how could it not? When even I, the one who kept talking, stopped thinking about the words and focused only on how lovely this person looked?”

He took another sip more to wet his throat than because he was thirsty, but neither of them so much as moved.

“And had such an onlooker continued to take in the scene, can we be sure they had noticed the signs? Would they really have become aware of how that woman’s head started drooping a little more with each nod? Would they have realized the way those shoulders slumped a little more with each breath? Would those eyes have seemed glassy and doll-like even from a distance? Or would all of those things simply happen without anyone noticing at all as the body simply responded to impulses beyond control?”

It was a question he still knew no answer to and at this point he began to wonder if it even mattered at all.

“Memory is such a blurry, foggy thing sometimes but perhaps you remember moments like that, caught somewhere in an unexplored haze between waking and dreaming, between listening and blankly absorbing. And I suppose that must have happened to that girl. Because by the time I noticed she was leaning against me, those eyes fluttering as if dancing on the line between watching and dreaming. Who really knows if she even had the ability left to notice her lips being softly parted, a faint trickle of drool escaping her as she slumped that far.”

Somehow the swirling beer inside his jug became a canvas, conjuring up all the impressions from that time anew. The weight of a person leaning on that arm. The warmth of another body right next to his. The slow, steady rhythm of her breath. The subtle moans as he continued to speak: “She was beautiful like that, no doubt. And as such I dared not to disturb the moment. Whether aware or not,  she felt here and now was exactly the right place and exactly the right time to let all worries and cares go. And I cannot put my finger on why, but we both knew that it was perfectly fine because that mind was so good at absorbing the words that continued to flow around it.”

Did the words flow down into the depths between slumbering thoughts like a warm, soothing liquid down a thirsty throat? It was a nice image at the very least. He smiled, appreciating that his friends had fallen still to give him a chance and get it all out.

“Of course, I say that the words don’t matter but that does not mean they were without meaning. It was just that neither of us needed to think about them because conversation took a life of it’s own, flowing on and on in a way we could drift along with. Like when I just began putting into words how attractive she was or how pleasurable it felt to be this close.”

The memory alone stirred up a blissful shiver.

Opposite from him Jeff and Brielle seemed to know exactly what he was talking about, both of them leaning against each other with dopey smiles on their faces and half-closed eyes. Meanwhile Ryan next to him slumped against the wall and seemed close to dozing off. Not like anyone could blame him. It was the middle of the night and by now the three were the only guests left. As the evening progressed it would be a surprise if people didn’t fall asleep.

He considered ushering the group to bed. But… he had never really had someone listen to him about this issue before and to be honest it was cathartic in a way to get it all out.

“Was it maybe the warmth of our drinks that melted one moment into the next? Or maybe the way the wind seemed to carry words and thoughts and anything else away for a while? Whichever it may have been, neither of us noticed how the longer I kept talking, the more pleasurable she found it to listen to me. Which may have been remarkable in hindsight, considering how the more she entrusted that mind to my words the more she began to shiver and moan. It almost seemed like that young woman’s mind felt the sheer sound of my voice with the intensity of soft, intimate touches. And it wasn’t before she was clutching my arm, openly panting in aroused heat that it dawned on me. It had happened again. Somehow it happens all the time. Like there were a pattern in the way I speak that inevitably draws someone in if they are willing to listen and follow the thoughts my voice offers.”

It was nice that his friends restrained their comments to moans under their breath. They clearly had to hold it in a fair bit, the excitement from not talking seemed to nearly overwhelm them as they shuddered and panted the moment he began to speak.

“It is like my words were putting her under a kind of hypnotic spell until all she could think about was whatever I told her. Like she were mesmerized to believe obeying this voice she hears meant pleasure and pleasure meant obedience. She was falling more and more under this spell the longer she kept listening. And kept listening only ever more intently the deeper she fell for me. By the time we realized this she was already so deep that the thought of obeying something I said alone was already sending wave after wave of pulsing arousal through her.”

Goodness, those three really gave it their all to hold back their opinions! They sounded just like that girl had as he wondered if the talk they had was going to turn her into a slave to the sound of his voice.

“In the end, of course, just as Ryan pointed out before, that just isn’t how flirting works. Of course in many ways a good flirt is about honing the art of seduction. Thus I could easily see how someone who enjoys this kind of flirt might get seduced into letting their thoughts fade the more they listen. Or might even get drawn into such a joyful haze that they start to crave doing as they are told when it is a safe time and place for that to happen. But in the end, a fun flirty dream is all it was. Because that is how that works.”

As he watched their faces Erik couldn’t help but wonder if they were already on their own way to dreamland. Ryan looked totally knocked out. Jeff was sprawled all over his seat, his mouth hanging but whatever comment he may have wanted to make long forgotten. And meanwhile Brielle rested on his chest, though her eyes fluttered open every now and again, unfocused and merely vaguely gazing in his direction. While one of her hands rested on a suspicious bulge in Jeff’s pants.

“That’s how it works. And yet, can you imagine why this keeps happening? It’s like this same dream keeps returning every time. During every flirt. As soon as I say something specific. Like, could it be possible that I would only need to say something as unusual as ‘Hibiscus puppets’ for that mind to drop right back into this dream of obedience and mindless submission? If that were so, can you imagine how powerful and intense the pleasure from this dream must be to draw them right back here when they feel it is appropriate and safe?”

The empty jug made a dull sound as it came to rest on the table. From across the room the waiter gave him a warning gesture by pointing at the clock. Sounds didn’t carry across the room as easily, but that wasn’t necessary to realize how late it had gotten. No wonder all three of them fell asleep.

“That woman is on her way home now, and honestly I don’t even know if she remembers the talk we had. That’s the thing about dreams, even if they leave an impression the brain usually remembers exactly as much or as little as it likes. What I do know is that she asked for my number right around the start, so who knows? If she really wants to, perhaps she will chat me up again sometime. After I returned to my senses and found that this weird flow had happened again I certainly did no longer dare ask for hers. Not when there were greater priorities. Like waking her up, for example. Because as comfortable as it may be to rest and dream with a kind voice flowing around those heads, eventually all the dreams will end and dissolve. As each dream gets followed by thoughts and awareness returning. But who am I kidding, of course you would already be so familiar with that. Speaking of which, you three, rise and shine. We gotta get you home safely as well after all. So c’mon, try to hear what I say so the sound can slowly guide you back up and awake!”

“Hmm… What?”

While rubbing the sleep from her eyes Brielle got up first. The guys took longer, but then again maybe they just really needed some shut-eye that bad.

“Sorry, probably bored you to death,” Erik shrugged, “Tell you what, as thanks for listening this round is all on me. Deal?”

“Awesome! Why didn’t you say that first? Feel free to always talk to me about your troubles from now on.” Jeff beamed at the news that he could leave his purse untouched tonight.

“Leech.” Ryan chuckled before turning pale at the sight of his smartphone display. “Shucks, folks, no choice here. I gotta run. Thanks for covering for me tonight. We should do this again sometime. I feel like I missed half of what you said. See you later!” And just like that he was out the door.

“He could at least have taken the time to say some proper goodbyes first if that’s how it was.” Despite her choice of words however Brielle didn’t sound displeased in the slightest. “Are you really gonna just treat us all? It’s perfectly fine for me to…”

“Don’t you worry about that. I was late and on top of that we only talked about my date today. This is the least one can do as thanks.”

“Ah. Maybe you really want to hold your horses then. Because sorry as I am to say after you went through the trouble of explaining it all, but I still feel pretty out of it. Not sure if anything of what we talked about stuck. Even though I finally hoped to understand just how to help you with your problem.”

“Don’t sweat it. Really, you guys were sleeping for most of it anyway. It would have been outstanding if you remembered the conversation in detail despite that.”

Even while responding a buzzing sound distracted him. A mail on his phone. From an unfamiliar number.

“Someone important?” Of course Brielle wouldn’t miss the effect these few digital words had on him. Which given his dumbfounded stare would likely have been hard even for a less attentive person. Like Jeff, who simply grunted: “Probably spam.”

“It’s her. The girl from earlier.  She’s asking if this was my number and if so, if I remember what we  had to drink during our talk. So that I can treat her to a repeat tomorrow evening at my place.”

“Smooth,” Brielle commented with a smirk, “So you can do it after all. Now I better hope your memory is more reliable than mine. I still can’t recall what that word was you mentioned along the way. Even though I really liked the expression. What was it? Did it have something to do with flowers?”

She was darn cute when she scrunched up her face like that. Without thinking he blurted out: “What? Did you mean ‘Hibiscus puppets’ maybe?”

As if struck by lightning both of them dropped whatever they were doing, eyes fluttering shut as they slumped in their seats. The change was far too dramatic so that even Erik could not have missed it.

“Oh fuck me,” he breathed as his eyes drank in the sight of his two hypnotized friends, “I did it again!” ***

Did you like this story? Then there’s good news! You can consider heading over to my Patreon and pledge, which will keep me writing even more smut for you every week! Yes, for you! Since my patrons even get a chance to have me write their favorite things. So head over there and learn how!

[cecesaurus]

It's Our Secret part 2

A/N: Oof, I forgot that taglists were a thing, so uh, if you wanna be added to the taglist for this imagine/fanfic/mini series thing, just reply to the first part to It's Our Secret or this one. I'm still pretty new to this so thanks again for all the likes, reblogs, and comments.

Description: modern!Ivar is a manipulative cunt to his half sister.

Warnings: incest, gaslighting, sexual abuse, manipulation.

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It was morning and Ubbe was in the kitchen with Torvi. The two were slaving away preparing breakfast. It was his way of making up for not having a home cooked meal for his siblings the day before. He grinned at her and bumped his hip into hers playfully. She returned his grin and gave his ass a quick slap and chuckled. Hvitserk cleared his throat to get their attention and raised his eyebrows up and down in unison.

"Ahuh. What's going on in here, hmm? Smells great, guys!" Hvitserk rubbed his hands together and eyed everything that was being cooked. There were freshly cooked scrambled eggs on one huge plate and bacon on another. There was a bowl of freshly washed berries and grapes sitting in between the plates.

"Ubbe is making pancakes and I'm getting hash browns together. We're almost finished. You should tell [Y/N] to wash up for breakfast." Torvi's smile never left her lips. He saluted his brother's lover and headed down the hall. He wore a loose undershirt and basket ball shorts. He knocked on the door and heard his sister's gentle voice giving him the okay to come into her room.

"Morning, starshine. I was told by Torvi to tell you that you should wash up for breakfast. Seems like you're already one step ahead, though." He walked into her room and gently put his hand on the top of her head, tossling her bedhead. She rolled her eyes and smirked at him, carefully pushing his hands off of her.

"Oh, Torvi is here? That's so exciting. There's too much testosterone in this household!" [Y/N] joked. He chuckled and folded his arms. He should probably inform Ivar that food was almost ready as well. He hated dealing with a grumpy Ivar and pondered.

"Hey, can you do me a favor??" He asked, knowing that she probably wouldn't mind.

"That depends."

"Go tell Ivar food's almost finished. He's less likely to snap at you if you wake him up." Before he could even get an answer from her, he waved his hand as if to thank her and left her room. She didn't want to get him up. He was very unpredictable. What would happen if she absolutely refused to wake him? Would the boys get suspicious? She didn't want her shameful secret being exposed. [Y/N] inhaled deeply before exhaling. She needed to prepare herself.

[Y/N] was in Ivar's room. She was paranoid and kept looking over her shoulder at his bedroom door. It was slightly ajar. Anyone could pass by and take a glimpse inside. What if they got caught? The curtains were closed and the only light source emitting from his room was a blue lava lamp. She sucked in a breath when he grabbed the hem of her gown and forced her to sit in his lap.

"What are you looking at, hm?" He questioned, trying to get her attention. He too eyed the door and made her look at him. He gave her a small smile before stroking her cheek with the back of his hand. Every movement she heard from outside the room caused her to flinch and stare at the door. It was beginning to aggravate him.

"Stop it. Focus on me. You'd never leave your big brother, right?" He asked, poking out his bottom lip as if he were going to pout.

"....I wouldn't dream of abandoning any of you." She replied. Ivar didn't like her answer. He wrapped his hands around her wrists and squeezed.

"That's not what I asked," he said through gritted teeth. His jaw tightened and he applied more pressure to her wrists, "you would never leave me, would you, [Y/N]?" He reiterated.

"I-Ivar--it hurts. I wouldn't leave you. I wouldn't, I wouldn't." She shook her head violently and the pressure finally vanished. He smirked and leaned forward to pepper her neck with kisses.

"Hey, Ivar! It's time for brea--" Ubbe peeked inside the youngest brother's room and saw their little sister on the floor. She had pushed her way there when she heard his foot steps. He didn't find it odd and just figured that she was trying to wake him first.

"Ah, she woke you up first. You spoil him, Spider Monkey. Come on. Time for breakfast. And turn on some lights in here. You're going to ruin your eyes by sitting around in the dark, Ivar." Without his say so, he turned on the light switch and [Y/N] dashed out into the hallway as fast as she could. A scowl was left on his face as he glared at Ubbe. He interrupted his fun.

Everyone gathered around the dining room table and began eating. [Y/N] sat in between Torvi and Ubbe while Hvitserk sat beside Ivar. She ate quietly and refused to look at anyone. The three of them could sense the tension, but didn't mention it. Torvi was the first to finally speak. The silence was unnerving.

"So you're out of school, hmm? Are you thinking about college, love?" She asked sweetly. She shrugged her shoulders and pushed the eggs around on her plate.

"I thought about attending community college, something local." She replied. Ubbe let out a belly laugh and shook his head. She was a Lothbrok. She could attend anywhere she wanted. His sister didn't have to stay in their home town for their sake.

"Nonsense! You can go where ever you want! You should study abroad and see what the world has to offer! Do it for the experience." Ubbe encouraged. Hvitserk nodded his head in agreement and smiled.

"Yeah. Follow your dreams! Sigurd went to school for music production and now he's a famous EDM artist whose always touring. His music is phenomenal." He added.

A scowl was left on Ivar's face and he impulsively slammed his fists on the table. It startled everyone, but his childish behavior was normal.

"No! She should stay here and attend a school where we can keep an eye on her! We can't protect her if she's in another country!" He did have a point and they were protective of their sister. Ivar just took protecting her to the extreme.

"We understand that, but she's a big kid. We can't keep her in a safety bubble forever. She'll eventually meet a nice guy and-" Hvitserk was cut off by the youngest brother's tantrum.

"Absolutely not! No one is good enough for her!" He grunted, eyeing his brother intently. Hvitserk rolled his green eyes and dropped the subject.

"Stop talking as if I'm not in the room! I can make my own decisions, Ivar. You can't keep me caged up forever." The two were bickering back and forth and Ubbe just let it happen. It was about time she stood up for herself.

"We'll see....." he grumbled, turning his attention toward her. She gripped the fork in her hand so tightly that her knuckles were discolored.

"Honestly, I'm not sure a guy would wanna fuck such a bratty girl such as yourself anyway." He grinned mischievously and licked his bottom lip. Her eyes widened and she blushed. She stood up and pushed in her chair, putting her fork down.

"I'm going back into my room. Thank you for breakfast Ubbe, Torvi. And you, you never acted like this when your mother was still alive!" [Y/N] hollered at the youngest brother before storming off toward her room.

Ubbe sighed and rubbed his temples. He eyed Ivar and shook his head in disappointment.

"Keep your distance from her until she calms down. You should have kept your mouth shut." It was true that the two started arguing a lot more after Aslaug's death. It perplexed him, but he would get to the bottom of it on another day.

Taglist: @eleventhdoctorsangel

[littlelovelyspiderling]

Doc Oc

This has been stuck in my brain so I had to write it...sorry for not answering a lot of requests, I promise to get to them soon!! (also if you want to be tagged on my writing stuff just let me know!)

Peter is captured by Doctor Octopus. While trying to get the young hero to talk, the evil scientists learns a few interesting facts about New York’s friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. 

word count: 4,100

Peter had faced Doc Oc plenty of times before, but never four nights in a row. He was in the middle of a much-needed nap when the psycho eight-limbed scientist suddenly popped up on the news again, terrorizing the citizens of downtown Queens again, and demanding an audience with Spider-Man—again. This guy would not give him a break. Peter had bested him four times, but four times he had slipped from his and the police’s grasp. On top of early school days, mounds of homework, and a slew of new Avengers missions, it was really wearing him down. Peter groaned, threw on his spandex suit, and begrudgingly swung out to the scene, blinking the sleepiness from his eyes.

Doctor Octopus chucked a car down the street, narrowly missing a group of terrified bystanders. His metal arms spit sparks across the pavement with every massive step.

“Bring me Spider-Man!” he cried, laughing maniacally. Spider-Man flipped off a building and on to a streetlamp, stifling a yawn.

“Alright, alright, I’m here, freak show.” Doc Oc turned on him, grinning fiendishly. Peter scrubbed a hand over his face. “Seriously man, how many times are we gonna do this? Can’t you just go to jail already? Or take a day off? Start a new Netflix series maybe? I’ve heard Nailed It is stellar. Or, I don’t know, do something more constructive with your time besides dragging a very grumpy superhero out of bed every night to whoop your ass for the millionth time this week?”

“Do not fret, arachnid,” Octavius assured him, rising high on his mechanical limbs. “This ends tonight.”

“Yeah, well, that’s what you said yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, so don’t mind me as I continue to fret most ardent—ah!”

A tentacle swung at him, whooshing beneath his feet as he leapt over it. Spider-Man whipped around the light post and dropped to the ground, landing low to the asphalt. Not even a second later, another arm came flying for his face. He rolled this time, the clawed hand barely nicking his shoulder as it whipped overhead. The sharp sting made him hiss. He sprung on to the side of a building and fired a glob of webbing mid-leap, but it missed the evil doctor by a mile. His movements felt sluggish, uncoordinated. Oh crap. The consequences of three nights without proper sleep were really starting to take their toll—and it was not cheap.

He shook his head, fighting to clear the fog from his brain, but it refused to dissipate. His muscles, too, felt tired and limp. Spider-Man ran along the side of the building and threw himself at Octavius, fist wound back, teeth gritted, only to get knocked sideways and thrown into a wall. His head hit first, sending a jolt rattling through his skull. He slumped to the ground, jarred and dazed, the fog creeping into the edges of his vision. A shadow loomed over him, smiling like the grim reaper coming to claim his soul.

“My, my, Spider-Man. One hit, and you’re already out for the count? I expected better from you.”

“You…planned this,” Peter realized, staggering to his feet. “Drawing me out late every night…never letting me rest.” His eyes felt heavy in his head. All he wanted was to sleep. The world was spinning like a carousel. “Y-you…son of a—”

A tentacle whacked him on the temple. Spider-Man was out before he hit the ground.

Light was what finally woke him. Harsh, white, aimed directly in his eyes. He blinked and squinted, groaning in protest, scrunching up his nose and furrowing his brow.

“Took you long enough,” a familiar voiced groused. “I was almost worried I had rendered you comatose.”

The light moved away. Hesitantly, he opened his eyes, letting himself take in the room. Doc Oc was standing in front of him, looking irritated. Gradually, his brain switched back on, and the situation dawned on him. Oh no. Oh god. He…he had been kidnapped. By Doctor frickin' Octopus. That was red flag number one.

Next, Peter gazed around, noting the boring gray walls and strange equipment lining the tables. It seemed he was in some sort of lab, the dark and clammy and evil secret lair type. Red flag number two.

Red flag number three came when he tried to move. Because, well, he couldn’t. Peter looked down and discovered he was suspended upright on a large metal board in the shape of an ‘X’. His arms and legs were pinned to the board by thick metal clasps, thicker than the width of his wrists. The realization launched his heart into his throat. Spider-Man was captured and restrained. By his absolute worst nemesis. A man who spent more time plotting to murder him than most normal people spent working a day job. Terror welled like lava in his stomach. Peter couldn’t stop himself from immediately trying to wrench free. He knew he looked pathetic, weak, desperate, but he hated the feeling of being trapped. And he was dead if he didn't escape.

Yet try as he might, the bonds were too strong. Doctor Octopus chuckled.

“Valiant efforts, arachnid. But I’m afraid you’ve been caught. Not even the Hulk could break those restraints. No use wasting your energy on so hopeless a feat.”

Eventually, Peter stopped struggling, gasping in frustration. “L-let me go,” he growled. He cursed the tremble in his voice.

“I’ve spent this entire week orchestrating your capture, and then I’ve had to sit here waiting for you to wake up for the past twelve hours. I’ll pass, thanks.”

Spider-Man swallowed. I’ve been asleep for twelve hours? At least he’d gained back some of the rest he’d lost. His newfound alertness and the lack of pain in his skull seemed to confirm Doc’s claim. Still, what good did that do for him now? He lowered his head, fear throbbing through his system in sync with his rapid heartbeat. Peter Parker was totally and utterly screwed.

“What do you want? Why haven’t you just killed me?”

“Curious how all your childish quips dry up so quickly once you find yourself beat,” Octavius sneered, approaching him. Peter pressed as close to the metal ‘X’ as he could, unable to back away. “I like seeing this side of you. Helpless, trapped, too terrified to even crack your pathetic little jokes. Completely at my will and mercy. Why, I could slice open your gut and let your entrails spill across the floor, and all you could is watch. Isn’t this exciting?”

His breaths came out in choppy huffs. He pulled ferociously at his bonds. They didn’t budge.

Peter Parker was on his deathbed. That was certain. But Spider-Man couldn't let him win. Not yet.

“Very exciting,” Peter eventually agreed, slumping against the boards, forcing his voice to level out. “I’ve, uh—I’ve always wanted to know if my third grade science teacher has been right all these years—that I’m perfect both inside and out.”

The side of Doc Oc’s mouth twitched. “Hm. The comedian returns. Amusing.” He rose up on two of his metal limbs to stand eye-level with Spider-Man. “But trust me, arachnid: he won’t last long.”

Peter waited for him to stab him, strike him, skewer him like a shish kabob. Instead, the evil scientist turned away, meandering up to a table across the room. Peter breathed a slow sigh of relief.

“And to answer your earlier questions, I was paid a handsome sum of cash to capture you from a person I’d best not name. Quite a handsome sum, enough to fund my research for years. Half up front, and the next half once I hand you over to him.” He sifted through the tools on the table, examining each one with delicate and ominous interest. Peter watched, fear shivering across his skin. “But this person is not expecting your presence until tomorrow morning, which gives me plenty of time to ask you some of my burning questions, and to pull the truth out of you using a few…persuasion methods.”

Mr. Stark had warned him that this might happen some day. The more he tried to protect the world, the more powerful the enemies that would rise against him. Nearly all of the Avengers had been in this position at some point in their career. Now it was his turn to be strong. Spider-Man summoned all the courage he could muster up from within his little body.

“Sorry, but your bedside manners suck, Doc. I’m not telling you anything.”

Doctor Octopus lifted a drill-like contraption from the table, a sinister grin on his lips. “We shall see how stubborn your resolve is after I tear the muscle from your bones fiber by individual fi—”

The ring of a cell phone interrupted him, causing both Peter and Otto to jump. Octavius grumbled to himself, yanking the phone from his pocket, and frowned at the screen before answering.

“Hello?” he snapped, then immediately sobered up. “Oh, um, hello sir. I wasn’t expecting to hear from you. Yes, yesterday evening. The plan worked marvelously.”

“Who’s that?” Peter asked. Doctor Octopus ignored him.

“Yes, of course. I’ll have him to you tomorrow. Where’s he now? Here, in my lab, preparing to face the interrogation of a lifetime.”

Doc Oc shot a smug glare in his direction, making Peter stiffen, then turned back towards the wall.

“Harm him? Well, obviously, sir. How else am I to get him to talk?”

A voice warbled back at him from the phone. Otto’s expression immediately fell, replaced by anger and confusion.

“What? But sir, you never said…ugh.” He dumped the drill on the table, pouting like a child. “Alright. Yes, I understand. Not a scratch. See you tomorrow.”

Octavius slipped the phone back into his coat, then slowly turned to face him. He flexed his hands at him sides and held his shoulders tight.

“It seems you’ve had a stroke of luck, arachnid. The man who wants you needs you fully intact. While you are in my custody, I can’t harm you.”

Peter lit up. “Wait, really? Ha! Suck it, Doc!” Then he frowned, tilting his head to the side. “Wait, why?”

“He didn’t say. But I wouldn’t celebrate so hastily, Spider-Man.” He lifted closer to him. His eyes were cold and dark. “There are plenty of means of torture that don’t require bodily harm.”

This was his chance to think his way out of here. He had to buy himself some time. Peter cleared his throat.

“Well, you better hurry and come up with one, Doc. You know, before the Avengers show up here and kick your ass.”

Otto rolled his eyes. “The Avengers will never find this place, you idiot.”

“Yes they will. They’ll track my phone.”

“I destroyed your phone as soon as I caught you.”

Peter’s jaw dropped. “What? Doc! Not cool, man. I know it was a piece of crap, but it was my piece of crap!”

“Shut it, you blabbering moron!”

Peter grinned. Now he was back in the game.

“My suit has a tracker too, genius. They’re going to find me, and I promise they won’t go easy on you, even if you are a fat, ugly loser living in a garbage can.”

The doctor scoffed. “You’re lying. I disabled your suit. And if there was, my sensors would have picked it up.”

“Not this one. Tony Stark made it. It’s teeny-tiny and puts out a signal only he can track.”

Peter was lying, of course. Tony hadn’t made any tracker of the kind, at least not to his knowledge. If his suit was offline, which seemed to be the case, the tracker that was in it was offline too. Still, Doc Oc didn’t need to know that. Slowly, the color drained from the scientist’s face.

“Where is it?” he hissed. His metal arms flew at Spider-Man, searching for the hidden device. “Tell me where it is, now!”

The two mechanical claws started grabbing at Peter’s legs and midsection in their hunt for tracker, causing him to cringe. The sensation was not what he was expecting, and before he knew it, a massive wave of laughter was building behind his lips. He managed to stay quiet for a few more seconds, clenching his jaw, coiling his muscles, until one of the tentacles squeezed his side. Spider-Man flinched and yelped, making Octavius start.

“What was that? Is the tracker there?” His metal claw tweaked the same spot. Peter squeaked.

“Quihit it! It’s too small to find!”

“Then why are you so jumpy all of a sudden?”

Spider-Man didn’t answer, his face heating up beneath his mask. Doc Oc narrowed his eyes. To Peter’s dismay, the prongs returned to his ribs and began kneading at them experimentally. Despite his attempts to fight it, high-pitched giggles slipped through his defenses — and once the seal was broken, he couldn’t make them stop. Doc blinked in surprise as Peter jerked away from the contact.

“Ahaha hey!  Stohop it, you psycho!” He giggled and squirmed until Octavius withdrew his arm, leaving him panting and flushed pink.

“Ah, I see now. You’re not worried about me finding any device. You’re just ticklish.”

The redness in his cheeks bled through the rest of his body. After having Tony Stark discover how unbearably sensitive he was, Peter thought the worst of the embarrassment was behind him. What could possibly be more humiliating than having your biggest idol find out that one poke to the tummy rendered Spider-Man a giggly, useless blob?

Your biggest nemesis, that’s what.

Peter suddenly felt hyperaware of how vulnerable he was. Doctor Octopus could sense his discomfort, which mirrored how he’d been acting earlier: twitchy, anxious, devoid of chatter or childish jokes. An evilly knowing glint entered the scientist’s eyes.

“You seem tense, Spider-Man. I told you I’m not allowed to harm you, so why are on edge again?”

The young hero swallowed, shifting against the ‘X’. “W-well, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m imprisoned by a maniac and strapped to a freezing cold board like a dead carcass about to get an autopsy. You try getting comfortable on this thing. Not exactly the spa day I’ve been meaning to treat myself with, Doc.”

“You were acting perfectly at ease until I brushed you here.” He pointed towards the spot with one of his mechanical claws, causing Spider-Man to flinch sharply. “Are you really that sensitive?”

Peter stared sideways with a nervous cough. “Uh…no…?”

“So you don’t mind if I do this?”

Before he could squeak out a protest, the metal prongs zipped to his side. It was comical how violently the contact made him jump, and how quickly laughter succeeded it.

“Ack! Oho c-crahap! Nohoho!” Good god, he was in trouble. Now that he was tickling him on purpose, it was so much worse. The robotic fingers were stiff and icy, kneading his ticklish torso with machine-like precision and cruelty. Different than how hands felt, but no less maddening—perhaps even more so. As they moved up his side, pinching each individual rib, Peter’s laughter climbed.

“Now that I think about it, this works out marvelously. Although the method is rather…unconventional, I can still get you to talk without having to physically harm you.” He dropped the claw back down to his belly, making Spider-Man wince and squeal. “Now tell me, arachnid: where does Stark keep his research on nano-technology, and how can I get ahold of it?”

Uh-oh. Peter had been hoping he’d ask him something he had no clue about, like where Hawkeye had been for the last two years or what size underwear the Hulk wore. Unfortunately, he knew the exact location of the hard drive Mr. Stark kept all of his nano-tech information on, because he’d been letting Peter work on it with him in the lab.

But he couldn’t let Doc Oc know that.

“W-whahat? I dohohon’t know! I have noho idea!” He angled his body as far from mechanical fingers as he could manage, giggling hysterically. “This ihis rihidiculous! Let me gohoho!”

Octavius smiled at the helpless hero. “Not until you tell me what I want to know.”

To Peter’s horror, a second metal hand pounced on his defenseless torso, squeezing his other side and tickling his tummy. Now there was absolutely no escaping the tickle torture, and it was twice as unbearable. Poor Spider-Man shrieked and laughed, thrashing and jerking and throwing his head back.

“Nohohohaha! Ahahahahasshole!” He hated how much Doc’s evil plan was working. He was already desperate to make the cruel tickling stop. The metal prongs continued to knead and claw at the teen’s sensitive midsection, increasing their speed and intensity with every passing second. Peter’s sides ached as he giggled wildly, endlessly.

“Cursing?” Octavius teased. “That’s awfully out-of-character for our friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.” He moved both arms to his ribs, drilling them with tickles and sending the superhero into a twitchy frenzy. He had to admit, it was odd to see the renowned wall-crawler reduced to such a pathetically helpless position. It was even odder to see how effective tickle torture was on someone with such a high pain tolerance. In all of their brawls and battles, he had never considered utilizing so frivolous a tactic. There was something strangely…endearing about it. Spider-Man could take four nights of beat-downs, but hardly two minutes of tickling? His laughter was so high-pitched and childlike; it made the doctor begin to wonder how old he actually was.

Meanwhile, Peter was hanging on by fraying threads. He bucked and squirmed and shook his head, giggles pouring from his lips. “Dohoc plehehehehehease!” he cried. He wasn’t sure if begging for mercy would increase or dampen Doc Oc’s thirst for brutality, but at this point, it was his only option. “I d-dohon’t know ahanythihing! Mihister Stahahark hasn’t shohohown me! I dohohon’t—I cahan’t—oho gahahaEEEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAA!”

Mid-sentence, Doc’s sinister claws crept up to his armpits and started scribbling experimentally against the hollows. Spider-Man all but lost it, wrenching with every ounce of his strength and peeling into loud, hiccup-filled bouts of uncontrollable laughter. Octavius couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Oh dear, have I found your weak spot?” he asked. The deadly prongs burrowed deeper into his underarms, eliciting yelps and squeaks from the poor hero. “Maybe I’ll just hang around here until you start talking.”

Peter was certain he would die if the tickling didn’t stop. Maybe he could survive a few more minutes of it in other places — belly, sides, ribs — but his armpits? Nope. They were too damn sensitive for him to bear. Where the hell were the Avengers? A part of him hoped they didn’t come, because this would be very embarrassing to have to explain. The rest of him was too worn down to care.

He had to tell him. He had to. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t!

“STAHAPSTAHAHAPSTAHAHAHAP!” he pleaded through tears. “I SWEHEHEHEAR! I DOHOHON’T KNOHOHOHOW! AHAHAHAHAHADOHOHOCSHIHIHIHIHITPLEHEHEHEHEASE!” His words were swallowed by painful hiccups that racked his entire frame. At this point, he could hardly even make a sound, he was laughing so hard. Octavius shook his head amusedly.

“I’m not an idiot, arachnid,” he said. The tentacles suddenly withdrew from his underarms, leaving Peter dazed and reeling with incredible relief. “I know you know where they are.”

Weak giggles spilled continuously from his mouth as he fought to catch his breath. “Ehehe…ahehehe…oho my god.” He hung limply from the metal ‘X’. “Noho, I…no I dohon’t…”

“You do,” Doc insisted. “It’s funny how effective this is on you. It’s almost cute.”

Peter wanted to punch his smug face in so bad right now. If he could just get out of these stupid restraints…

Before he had a chance to try, one of Octavius’ metal arms reached up and grabbed hold of his mask.

“I nearly forgot; I can see who you are now. Why wasn’t that the first thing I did? Silly me.”

Panic flooded Peter’s system. “No—Doc—wait—!”

It was no use. In an instant, Octavius ripped the mask from his head. Just like that, his cover was blown. Slowly, he met Doc’s gaze, eyes wide and afraid.

After soaking in the true face of his archenemy, Doc felt a sick twist in his stomach. “You’re…a child,” he finally said. The Spider-Man mask fell from his claw.

Peter’s face was still red from laughing; his eyes still shone with tears. He was at a loss for words.

“You’re telling me I’ve been fighting a child all this time? Spider-Man is just some kid? I was planning to break every bone in your body, for crap’s sake. I was going to sell you to be experimented on.”

Peter swallowed and stared at the floor. “I’m not…a child…”

“How old are you?” he asked. When Spider-Man didn’t answer, his metal hands jumped back to his torso. Peter shrieked.

“AHAHAHEHAHAHAHA!” His laughter was even more adorable when his face was visible, and you could see the giant smile that overtook his features. “NOHOHOHAHAHAHAHAHEHEHEHACAHAHAHAHAN’T!”

“If you tell me, I’ll release you,” Doc said. Peter didn't care that he was probably lying. He immediately crumbled.

“FIHIHEFIFTEHEHEHEEN! I’M FIHIHIFTEHEHEHEHEEHEEN!” He realized too late he could’ve just lied. But Doctor Octopus had seen his face; by now he could probably look him up and easily find the answer.

Slowly, the mechanical tentacles relinquished their tickle attack. Peter melted with relief, giggling breathlessly.

“You’re fifteen?” Doc Oc gawked. Spider-Man didn’t understand why it was so shocking. An eight-year-old was a child, not him! Huffing in frustration, Octavius slammed one of his arms against the panel of buttons in front of him.

With a click, the clasps on his wrists and ankles suddenly opened. Peter dropped to the ground, landing on his hands and knees.

“A teenager has no business being involved with superheroes or criminals or anything like this. Even I know that. Go home, and never interfere with my operations again.”

Peter fought to shake the remaining laughter from his voice. “Y-you, heh, can’t really expect me to listen to you, can you Doc? I’m not gonna stop fighting you just cuz you suddenly decided to develop some weird, skewed morality.”

Octavius hinted a smile. “Are you sure about that, Spidey?” he asked, feigning innocence. Before Peter could react in time, four metal limbs lunged at him, pinning him to the ground and tickling his tummy and underarms with merciless cruelty. Spider-Man exploded into hysterical laughter, kicking and squirming but unable to escape the evil scientist’s hold. No matter how much he tickled him, the young hero’s tolerance for it never grew.

“Because if you don’t listen, then perhaps I’ll just have to do this every time you show up to try and stop me. Not a very heroic look on you, is it?”

Not even Spider-Man’s greatest nemesis was immune to the web-slinger’s endearing aura. Like everyone else that knew him, Doc couldn’t get over how adorable the kid was when he was reduced to a puddle of helpless laughter.

As Spider-Man giggled and squealed and struggled vainly to break free, a crash sounded from the room next door. Octavius fled the evil lair as quick as a flash; Peter didn’t even see which way he went. He laid flat on the floor, trying to catch his breath, hugging his aching sides.

The back door burst from its hinges and careened across the floor. Peter jolted upright as Iron Man, Black Widow, War Machine, and Cap came rushing into the room.

“Peter?” Tony cried, the helmet dissolving off his face. He landed beside him and laid a hand on his back. “Kid, are you alright?”

“Is he hurt?” Cap asked, jogging up to join the group. Tony gave Peter’s shoulders a shake.

“Kid, answer me. Are you okay?”

He was having trouble processing everything that had just transpired. When he opened his mouth, his ears reddened.

“I, uh, yeah. I’m fine.” He blinked, rubbing unconsciously at his giggle-filled belly. “How’d you find me? Doc disabled my suit.”

“You think I left your suit with just one tracker? After that stunt you pulled with the ferry?” He helped him to his feet, wrapping an arm around his back.

“Where is it?” Peter asked.

“Lucky for you, it’s too small to find.” Tony poked him playfully in the tummy, as he’d started doing now that he knew how well it worked in cheering the kid up. Peter yelped with laughter and buried himself into Stark’s side.  

“Plehease please plehehease don’t,” he wheezed listlessly. Once the giggling started up again, he couldn’t make it stop. “I cahan’t—you don’t—eheheh.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Tony chuckled. Peter was giggling too much to reply.

[twinkling-mortality]

Love Your Music 2

After dinner Ava was just about to curl up on the couch and watch a few episodes of Doctor Who when her phone rang. She got up and went into her room, picking up on the third ring.

"Hello" Ava answered.

"Hey, Ava! It's Megan. Would you be able to cover my shift at the bar tonight?" Said the voice.

"Tonight's my only night off this week Megan!" Ava said biting back her annoyance.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry I'll make it up to you I promise. I'll do a double shift on Saturday, ok?" Megan begged.

"Ok, what time does your shift start??" Ava said as she got up off the couch and headed towards the bathroom.

"7:30" Megan responded.

Ava looked at her watch.

7:15....

"Ok, well thanks again! Love ya bye…" Megan said quickly hanging up.

Ava growled a bunch of curse words under her breath as she stopped running the water for her shower and instead tore towards her room and grabbed some black skinny jeans and a blue t-shirt.

She pulled her long brown hair into a ponytail and pulled on some boots before grabbing her keys. She then raced back towards the elevator and began to walk briskly down the street towards the bar

About halfway into the second hour Ava had had just about enough of working Megan's shift.

"Hey there little thing, can I get another round over here?!" Yelled Jeff. The guy had been hitting on Ava since he arrived.

She was already tired and now she was grumpy and not to mention covered in beer from the boys who'd come in earlier. One of the men had decided it would be fun to drench her in the disgusting liquid when she had refused to come and sit on his lap.

Lucky them the manager happened to be walking by and he sent them out of the bar before Ava even had a chance to say "Fuck you!" Which in hindsight was good, but oh my lord she was pissed.

Ava quickly got the man--Jeff, his drinks and then went back behind the bar. This was going to be one long hour.

Only another half hour. Her mind chimed in helpfully. The bar was almost completely empty and Ava had finally gotten rid of Jeff. Now all she had to do was clean a little bit and lock up and then she could get back to her apartment and more importantly her bed.

Just as Ava was finished tidying up the bar the door opened.

"Sorry we're closed." Ava said as she turned around to face the customer.

"Eric?" She said, looking at the man with surprise.

"Hi.....Ava right?" He said.

"Yeah, what are you doing here so late? You know the bar closes in like 5 minutes, right?" Ava said as she ran a hand through her hair.

Eric walked towards Ava and leaned across the counter.

"Well, I've finished moving all my boxes and wanted to come down and get a drink." He said smirking.

Ava just stood on the other side of the counter. She mentally face palmed before answering him.

"Sorry I have to close up, you'll have to come back tomorrow." Ava said giving him a sympathetic look as she grabbed the keys to the bar and jiggled them between her fingers to emphasize her point before she turned to go out the door.

"Well, then maybe you'll have to join me?" He said a small smile playing at his lips as he moved to follow her out.

Ava stopped--almost tripping over her feet and then Eric ran straight into her causing Ava to topple forward. Before she hit the ground Ava felt a pair of steady hands grab her shoulders.

"Whoa there! You ok?" Eric said.

"Y-yeah I-I'm fine, thanks for that." Ava said, motioning towards her most recent klutz-fest. Her face was bright red and she thanked God that the bar lights were the only things still on. He's touching me, too close we're definitely too close.

"So how about that drink?" Eric said as he let go of her shoulders and brought his hands to his side.

Ava quickly took a couple steps away from him and turned to walk out the door. Come on say yes, you know you want to. She thought to herself.

"We'll see" She said.

Ava could almost see the light go out of his eyes. He looked like a kicked puppy.

"First you have to walk me home—um…us home." Ava said as she smiled and motioned out the door and down the street in the direction of their apartment building.

Eric beamed and immediately took off his jacket and handed it to Ava.

"Here, it's cold outside. You'll need this." He said smiling. There was a light in his eyes that Ava couldn't quite place.

Ava blushed and put the coat on as they walked towards the apartment building. An awkward silence settled over them for part of the way there before Eric piped up and began to ask Ava questions.

"So, how long have you lived in Chicago?" Eric asked.

"About 4 years now." Ava answered.

"Really, that's not very long. Where did you move from?" He responded. He seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say.

"Well, I used to live here when I was a little girl. I decided to move back after my mother died." Ava said shrugging like the pain wasn’t still there.

Eric was silent for a moment before he said quietly. “I’m sorry for your loss…that must’ve been very difficult for you.”

"Yeah, I'm fine. We ended on good terms it just sucks that she isn't around anymore, you know?" Ava replied trying to keep her tone light, even though it felt like a lava had erupted through her body and solidified in her throat.

After that Ava sensed that she had bummed Eric out a little bit. Great, why did she always seem to do that?

"So how long have you lived here?" Ava asked trying to lighten the mood.

Eric's mouth twitched into the smallest smile and he said

"I've got a new job here. As a professor, but I used to live in Cleveland, Ohio."

"A professor?! Like at a University? That's pretty impressive." Ava said smiling up at him.

“What exactly are you a Professor of, Mr. Eric—erm what’s your last name?” Ava said glancing up at him sheepishly.

Doing great champ…at this rate you’ll be married by 2050

[discord-trolls]

A new old friend (a soft reboot drabble)

Ponyville was as unfortunately ordinary as it could be. The sky was it’s usual blue, birds chirped the same monotonous tunes and the pony folk all ran their usual little rat races that day. Such an environment was not becoming for the lord of chaos.

Discord was in the marketplace to collect snacks. It seemed that Twilight Sparkle and the girls were going on a ‘friendship retreat’ meaning the castle would be empty and free for a rousing guy’s night of Ogres and Oubliettes. He asked Spike why he wanted him to buy the snacks rather than conjure them with his magic, the dragon said store bought tasted better. That didn’t sit well with Discord to say the least.

He perused through the different shops, a hint of grumpiness to his step as he collected everything on Spikes list. Even after Discord would have been done gathering the refreshments, it’d still be a long agonizingly dull day before guy’s night got started. He silently prayed for some form of excitement. A bugbear attack. An earthquake. He’d even settle for a thief chase.

He soon got his wish in the form of a powerful shiver that shot through his body.

Being the spirit of chaos came with a fair share of abilities. One of them being the power to sense magical imbalances. Such a distinct surge registered on his metaphysical radar then and there, snapping himself out of his daze. His amber eyes, wide with surprise and curiosity, turned to the source of the disturbance. It wasn’t far. Just a few miles from Ponyville, in the heart of the Everfree Forest.

Being too intrigued to resist, Discord snapped his eagles talon and willed himself to the source of the surge without hesitation. What he found was quite unexpected, and that’s saying a lot.

“Listen to your Queen!” Chrysalis bellowed. “We must retrieve the Elements of Harmony!”

The shouting returned Twilight’s attention to the changeling. This wasn’t the Princess Twilight Sparkle the rest of a Equestria knew however. This was a dark double. Brought to life not a moment ago by a single piece of hair and a dark spell conjured by Chrysalis. She, along with the copies of Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were created with the sole purpose of harnessing the power of the Elements of Harmony in the name of the Changeling Queen.

From the looks of her ‘colleagues’, however, this Twilight could see the plan was off to a bad start. Their lazy, idiotic self serving behavior seemed to be too much for even the ‘her Majesty’ to control. ‘Twilight’ walked up to her, disdain and disrespect very prevolent in her approach.

“Why didn’t you just attack them!?” she demanded.

“Excuse me?” Chrysalis asked, venom dripping from her voice.

“You got close enough to pull hair from their manes! Why not take your revenge then?”

“They defeated my army. I know better than to strike alone. I need....”

“Friends?” ‘Twilight’ finished her sentence with a smarmy tone.

”... Servants!” Chrysalis growled back. “And the power of the elements.”

“Right.”

‘Twilight’ Examined their surroundings once more. “So where are these ‘Elements of Harmony’?”

“The location of the most powerful magic in Equestria isn’t something made known to just anypony. I learned they were hidden somewhere in this forest.”

“Yeah well, it is a big forest.” the clone shot back before walking away. She was not impressed with their master Chrysalis in the slightest. So much so, that as they finally started to get on with

their mission, an ulterior motive was already brewing in her mind.

Discord looked down at the scene with surprise and amusement. It would seem that Chrysalis was rather ambitious with the revenge she swore onto Starlight Glimmer after she had freed her changeling hive from the Queen's’ control. Her plan to use copies of Twilight and the girls to harness the element’s power was a bold, if horrifically flawed plan.

What caught his attention most of all was the Twilight. He could see in her eyes there was something especially special about her compared to the other five. Her composure, her snark, the gears he could see turning in her head. It was the version of Twilight he had always hoped to see.

Now, a responsible ally to Equestria would swooped in, done away with the copies and apprehended Chrysalis promptly and without hesitation. Of course, while Discord is many things, responsible is not often the first descriptor that comes to mind. He kept his distance and continued to observe the group as he considered what he should do next.

It had been hours since this mission had begun and they had barely made any progress. ‘Twilight’ all but stomped through the forest looking for her companions. “Keep it together. You can do this,” she told herself through gritted teeth. “You need those imbeciles if your plan is going to come together.”

“You’re plan, eh?” a voice called out.

‘Twilight’ stood at attention, looking around for the source of that unfamiliar voice, readying herself for if she needed to fight her way out of something. Soon, her eyes fell upon one of the strangest things she had ever seen laying on a tree branch. A grotesque, patchwork amalgam of different creatures with a distorted equines head at the top. It stared at her with asymmetrical amber eyes and a long, toothy grin.

“What? Who are you!?” she demanded.

“Ah, so you don’t have her memories,” the creature noted. “Excellent. I love fresh starts.”

It swooped down from the branch and landed before her. “Discord. Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony. Hi, how are you?” he greeted, extending his lions paw out to her.

The alicorn grimaced, starting to turn around. “I don’t have time for this nonsense, monster. I have things to do!”

“Yes so I noticed. You and Chrysalis both seem dead set on finding those elements.”

She froze. ”... What do you know about the elements?”

“More than you do. That much is certain.”

“And I suppose that you intend to stop us?”

“I don’t have to,” Discord corrected, laying back in mid air. “Because I know you’re going to fail.”

‘Twilight’ just stood there puzzled for a moment. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well let me answer that question with a question. Your boss Chryssy told you that Princess Twilight and her friends had the ability to wield the elements but did you ever tell you why?”

She narrowed her eyes at the smug creature before finally answering. ”... no.”

“Figured as much. She doesn’t know either.” he chuckled. “It’s because those six ponies in fact embody the qualities required to wield such a power. Honesty, Laughter, Generosity, Kindness Loyalty etc. See, that’s the part most people seem to miss about how they work.”

Discord twirled a single claw of his eagle’s talon in the air, causing the area around it to twist and change until a small rift opened up. The rift showed Princess Twilight, back when she was a unicorn standing with her friends before the lord of chaos.

“You see, like your Queen, I was once enemies with those girls as well. I knew they weilded the only thing in Equestria that could defeat me so I needed to remove them from the equation. So with a few choice words, and a dash of magic, I was able to turn those ponies into the exact opposite of the elements they embodies. A liar, a grump, a hoarder, a brute and a drifter to name a few.”

He turned his gaze from the visual aid back to ‘Twilight’, an even wider grin on his face. “Sound familiar?”

She looked down, thinking back to the other five. Their behavior, coupled with the creatures explanation caused worry to begin flooding her system.

”... You’re bluffing.”

“Sure, let’s go with that.” he replied, trying hard not to laugh.

”So what? Are you trying to say the elements won't work for us because we aren’t goody goods?”

“Oh them not working for you is the best case scenario,” he explained. “It’s equally as possible that the Tree of Harmony will know you and the others are just tainted copies and possibly purge from existence.”

Her knees began to wobble slightly. Only now was she considering the very serious chances of failure and to say she didn’t like it one bit was the say that the sun is a bit toasty.

“Why? Why are you telling me this?” she asked.

Discord shrugged. “Well maybe it’s just my gentle loving heart, but I would hate to see the worst happen to somepony over a doomed revenge scheme.” He lowered himself down until he was eye to eye with the clone. “Besides, I like you. You’re filled with ambition, cunning and a refreshing lack of crippling neurosis. You have potential. And if there’s something I love doing it’s realizing potential.”

He extended his paw out again. “So, dark Twilight,” he said cheekily. “Do you want to carry on with her Majesty’s already failed plan, or would you rather come with me and truly make something of yourself?”

She frowned, knowing full well this was the illusion of free choice. Whether or not this creature was telling the truth, the fact remained that there were too many rogue variables to take that chance. Whether by this Tree of Harmony or Chrysalis herself, she risked oblivion, Begrudgingly, she lifted her hoof, accepting his paw.

“Fine.”

“Excellent!” Discord beamed. “Shall we go gather your compatriots? They seem fun.”

“No,” she responded flatly. “If what you say is true, then they’re useless to me.”

Discord whistled. “My you are as cold as they come aren’t you. I knew I liked you for a reason.”

‘Twilight’ scoffed and eyed Discord with an unamused glare. “Well, shall we?”

“Indeed,” he said with a smile, raising his lion’s paw up. “You’ll likely need a place to stay, I imagine. I hope you like lava beds.”

“Lava wha-?”

With a snap of his fingers, the two vanished from the forest.

[spellcastersjudgement]

Jaden nd bastion for that domestic ask thing? >:3c

THE OTP YES i have so many feelings and everyone needs to hear me sob over the nerd baby and his superhero 

also that icon is the content i look for on this hellsite well done 

who is the big spoon/little spoon Jaden is the little spoon!! he prefers being the big spoon tbh he likes curling up against bastions fuckin ripped back but jaden always falls asleep first because he has to get this twelve hours or else he will be a grumpy boy but bastion?? bastion stays up all night drinking coffee and doing god knows what bc he’s the type of guy thats like ‘hey jaden im gonna go read a bit before i got to bed’ and then he fuckin stays up all night because he has no self control lmao so when it’s like 3am and he’s finally put down his book or finished dicking around on the computer he finally gets in bed and he doesnt want to wake up his husband (yes theyre married in my mind ok im love them) so he just lays down and pulls the human kuriboh to his chest and falls asleep 

what is their favorite non-sexual activity the standard answer is Card Games but besides dool masters they like to go on drives and look at stars and talk abt whatever. bastion is a chemical engineer and jaden’s his professional duelist trophy husband so they dont get to be together as much as they want bc jaden’s tournament schedule so when they’re together they gotta make it count u know so bastion will pick jaden up from the airport and they’ll just start driving out of the city talking about DM or what bastion’s been up to or whatever’s going through jaden’s mind (an enigma lmao) and then when there are no more streetlights to make it difficult to see the stars they’ll pull over and lay on the hood and cuddle and keep talking. it’s like 4am before they finally go home and since they’re going to sleep at the same time jaden finally gets his chance to be the big spoon 

who uses all the hot water in the morning getting jaden to shower is a fucking struggle he’s like a cat. living in the slifer dorm made him accustomed to being a generally gross person in general so he lives off dry shampoo and body spray so he doesn’t smell like hassleberry after a workout so that leaves bastion to take all of the water because he showers every morning after his run and insists on h is hair being perfect and well taken care of. like the guy has at least five different hair care products in the shower at all times while jaden, even though he’s dumb thick rich, buys that 3-in-1 crap he and syrus used to make stretch for a month back in college. jaden is also known to stick his kuriboh hair under the sink and shake it out like a dog because he is a gross boy that usually gets up about ten minutes before he has to leave so there’s no time for an actual shower and we’ve gotten away from the actual question but the tldr is bastion stands under the hot water he’s got one of those mirrors to shave in the shower while he’s doing his deep conditioning treatment and has a pore strip on his nose for beautiful ™ skin 

what they order from take out this one ties in a lot to my sageshipping BrOTP headcanons (on god there needs to be a brotp ask so i can scream to the world my love for bastion/alexis friendship) but the bit of background is that bastion and alexis would always order from this indian place that was open real late at night when they were in grad school together (no delivery at duel academy cause its an island u know) so it has a special place in his heart. jaden is a wimp when it comes to spice but since bastion loves it they order it anyway and the people that deliver the food know to make it wimpy baby spicy for jaden so he doesn’t end up sweating half his body weight up and crapping out lava four hours later 

what is the most trivial thing they fight over oh god they dont fight a lot because they love and appreciate each other’s eccentricities but if they’re going to fight its going to be over who’s doing the driving. they both love cars, bastion likes taking it apart and modifying them and whatnot and jaden likes the aesthetique (though his aesthetique is painting flames on a corolla jaden u lil shit smh) and they both like to go fast so when they go out they bitch abt who gets to drive. bastion tells jaden he doesnt appreciate the feel of the machine and jaden says bastion drives like a fucking old man so they end up settling the matter with rousing game of rock paper scissors 

who does most of the cleaning NEITHER OH MY GOD theyre both total slobs. bastion’s desk and home office is covered in his notebooks and duel monster cards, his walls covered with god knows what (formulas, dates, to-do lists, grocery lists) the guy just grabs the sharpie and starts writing because he’s afraid of forgetting something if he doesnt get it down right then. jaden lives in filth he has three day old bowls of cereal at his desk and uses used napkins as tissues he is certifiably NASTY. anyway they hire a housekeeper to make sure the entire house doesnt fall into disarray and she’s like their surrogate mother making sure they eat more than takeout and coffee and making sure the house smells nice. they call her Mama Cheryl (good middle aged mom name) and she’s the embarrassing mom at jadens local tournaments the kind that prints out huge pictures of his face and wears shirts with Neos on them and cheers for her boy v loudly. again we’re away from the question but i have a lot of headcanons abt this i’ll probs put in my dissertation lol 

what has a season pass in their DVR hmmm this is an interesting one…i like to think jaden loves crime shows because they’re heroes and he likes watching the good guys ™ win in the end. his favorite show is psych (which u all should watch its hilarious) but since that ended a while ago he’s been in to criminal minds and SVU because he likes watching the really diabolical criminals get caught. bastion never knew his mans was into such dark stuff until he opened the season pass thingy and got quite the heart attack because he thought jaden was all butterflies and flowers and funny stuff but bastion had to learn the duality of man the hard way. bastion doesn’t watch television that much but his guilty pleasure is vikings on the history channel and stuff on the discovery channel because he loves learning what a nerd 

who controls the netflix queue jaden is the one that likes to watch netflix the most but i wouldnt say he’s in control per se. they’re usually down for watching what each other likes but in the end jaden will sometimes end up superseding bastion because dammit bas we are not watching a documentary about the dead sea scrolls you dont even believe in god and bastions like fine youre cute we can watch Castle (even though thats not on netflix but i wish it were) 

who calls up the super/landlord when the heat’s not working jaden. jaden all the way. bastion brings up a a wikihow article about how to fix the hvac system and he’s like I CAN FIX THIS and jadens like ily babe but you work with chemicals not with this kind of thing ur gonna break it like the time u tried to fix the sink and fuckin clogged the shit out of it we are calling Cheryl and Cheryl’s like jaden im a housekeeper call someone who actually does this for a living. anyway while theyre waiting for the professionals to get there bastion tries to demonstrate he knows what he’s doing he is smort by writing the steps and shit on the wall and jadens like youre so cute but no dont touch the heating system. he has to distract his lil nerd by asking him about what deck he should use for his next tournament or what the probability of drawing three polymerizations on the first turn is and bastion loves talking about math so jaden keeps asking questions until the system is fixed (he doesnt remember much of bastions mathematical explanations but bastion looks so cute with his eyes all bright and shiny talking about statistics) 

who leaves their stuff around BOTH they are slobs. jadens a bit worse if we’re being honest because while bastion leaves his papers and cards around schmaden schmuki leaves his underwear and food and cups in the living room and is prone to stripping off his clothes for one reason or another and just laying on the couch watching ESPN with his goddamn pants on the floor and saying they were constricting his knees or some shit when bastion asks why he feels the need to be half naked all the time. bastion had his own room in college so he doesnt quite understand why jadens comfortable just answering the door with a trail of clothing behind him because most people that dont know him assume he’s been getting bizzay but nah he just be Like That

who remembers to buy the milk jaden do because he drinks milk in his coffee. bastion drinks it black so if theres no milk its like eh whatever but jaden is a mess without his caffeine and he hates how bitter and gross it is when theres no milk in it so even if jaden’s not the one going to the grocery store he’ll write it on the wall so bastion will remember it because his mans dont check his texts that often but anything on that wall he fuckin remembers and jaden doesnt understand why he be Like That 

who remembers anniversaries both! they are dumb thick in love with each other and they like to plan little things to do for the anniversary of their first date, when they made it official, their wedding, etc. jaden is much more extravagant and will do something like jump on the bed until bastion wakes up and then drag him out for breakfast and get atticus to sing a really off-key renditions of classic love songs and bastion blushes so hard and its so cute it should be criminal lmao. bastion will get jaden a cute little gift like one of those pictures where the artist takes a photo and paints it so they can hang it on their wall. or bastion will fine tune his duel disk or get him a new card for his deck. they are in big gay love and i love them so much 

thanks for this ask on god i just wrote 1800 words of tutorship feels i have a problem lol 

[atamascolily]

Episode Review - Sinbad 2x03 - “Heart and Soul”

Let me begin with this one-sentence plot summary courtesty of Far Far Away: "In order to save Bryn, Firouz and Doubar from a woman who must feed on human souls to survive, Sinbad and Rongar race against time to steal back her heart from her vampire husband, Baron Orlock, so she can perish."

... Yeah. So I already knew that this was highly unlikely to be good.

That said, I'm starting to get my stride with the second season. The TV spots help, because they are a 30 second recap of all of the episode highlights, so I can brace myself for impact. Once you give up expecting it to be good in that kinda-cheesy-but-still-awesome-fun-to-watch way of Season One, and just let your inner MST3K critic loose, it starts to be fun again. You just have to take your joy where you can get it. 

I mean, in this episode, we have a random string quartet, the decidely unexpected appearance of a Hand of Glory, a redshirt actually surviving the episode, and Sinbad swinging from a chandelier. And we learn that if Sinbad has to choose any of the crew to get him out of a pinch, it's totally going to be Rongar. Because Rongar is awesome like that.

(Photos from Far Far Away.)

We open with one of those hilarious big picture settings that I love, with the boat lovingly pasted in the corner for scale.

The usual suspects, plus two redshirts, are shepherding a cart and horse through the forest (did you see any forests in that above picture? 'Cause I sure didn't). Doubar is grumpy because he's literally pushing the cart and his boots are falling apart. Sinbad is grim and unsympathetic because he's an asshole this season and money is money, damn it. I have no idea how much fifty gold pieces is in the world of this show, because the writers don't give us worldbuilding details like that, but it sounds like a lot.

Bryn is freaked out. Firouz starts to correct her...and admits yes, those trees are damn creepy, actually.

They pass through a village, only to have random villagers warn them from traveling at night and offering safe lodging. Sinbad declines, having a package to deliver, a reputation to uphold, and a tide to catch.

The villagers are upset because a young couple hasn't come back and nightfall is coming... You already know those kids are so doomed.

Sinbad and Bryn spot the young couple making out in the woods. Bryn thinks it's charming and cute. Sinbad is grumpy. "Wait 'til they get married," he humphs like a grinch. GEE SINBAD, ARE YOU BITTER ABOUT SOMETHING? DOES HER NAME START WITH M? I WONDER.

Night falls, and the kids aren't back yet. A flock of bats turns into... this guy.

He sucks their souls out with some bad special effects.

Bryn feels a disturbance in the Force, but not enough detail to be useful, because plot.

The crew camps in the woods because Sinbad finally admits they're not going to make it to the castle in the darkness. Look at him brood in the darkness, while everyone sleeps. What's he brooding about? I'm guessing Maeve, for reasons. 

He hears a wolf howl... and decides that THE best plan is to walk quietly off into the woods, by himself, to investigate, without waking anybody else up. Which is a terrible idea and defeats the whole purpose of having a night watch in the first place.

Luckily, Bryn sees him do it... and decides the best solution is to quietly follow him. Because... that's a terrible idea, too.

I was kinda hoping Sinbad and Bryn would ambush each other in the dark, but apparently Sinbad is not at all surprised when she randomly shows up behind him. Anyway, they find wolves, but nothing happens, so they retreat back to camp....

... only to discover everyone awake, angry and wondering where the hell Sinbad is so he can make official decisions.  Oh, and heir employer, Baron Orlock, and his busty henchwoman.

Orlock has "other business," so he orders his henchwoman, Marisa, to take the crew and cargo to the castle, and have his wife take care of everything. Marisa obeys, but is a jerk about it, though. 

Things aren't at all ominous inside.

Hello, random background musicians in the corner!

(If I were to talk about authentic period instruments, or how we're suddenly in Europe for no apparent reason, I'd be here all day, so let's just say that there are anachronisms aplenty and leave it at that.... a running theme through this episode.)

Marisa walks in with some guards and the cargo crate macguffin thingy. It breaks on the ground. Everybody's freaked out, having no idea what the hell this is. 

Marisa threatens the guard for clumsiness,  Sinbad intervenes, everybody fights. Marisa's not very good.

But hey, who cares about that when you can swing from a chandelier?

Hey, this is a real body! Firouz exclaims once things have calmed down a bit. Everybody is even more freaked out.

Perfect time for Orlock's wife, Kalilah, to make a dramatic entrance and clear everything up.

Kalilah orders Marisa to take the wounded guardsmen and throw their bodies to the dogs. Firouz attempts to intervene, but is overruled. Kalilah reveals that the thing in the crate is a fossilized body from the ruins of Pompeii, which is a) actually a legitimate thing and b) even more creepy.

Firouz, despite himself, is intrigued by the phenomenon. "Real lava?"

"Fast lava, slow citizen," quips Kalilah casually and then gets back to business. Turns out Marisa and her guards are mercenaries and not very well-behaved ones at that. Kalilah and Orlock have a lot of armed guards... to protect themselves from the locals.

Sinbad just wants to know where the money is. It's on the table. Doubar collects it. So, get out fast, right?

Nope. Kalilah wants them to sit at the table and tell her about the world. When Sinbad calls her out on not eating, she mocks him for being overly suspicious and offers to hire him for another job.

No, there's too much weird shit, Sinbad says. We're leaving on the next tide.

Right, says Kalilah, and then appears to change the subject, asking if Sinbad finds her attractive. This is where Doubar, Rongar and Firouz probably roll their eyes. Here we go again. One of the redshirts, however, pipes up, HELL YES! The other agrees heartily.

Kalilah offers to kiss one of the redshirts. Doubar tries to hold him back, but he pushes his superior away (!!) and kisses her.

Of course, this ends badly.

Sinbad is super-pissed off, but it turns out Baron Orlock literally took Kalilah's heart and hid it away, making her functionally immortal. She wants Sinbad to get it back for her so she can end her miserable existence. Oh and Orlock's a vampire, sleeping in an entirely different stronghold during the day.

The crew gets locked in their chairs during all this exposition. Notably, Kalilah refers to Bryn as "sister witch," which is interesting and Bryn is confused but intrigued.

Kalilah says one crew member gets to go with Sinbad on the heart mission, everybody else has to stay behind and will get eaten if Sinbad doesn't return in 24 hours.

Sinbad looks the crew over. He chooses Rongar.

"Excellent choice," agrees Firouz instantly. At least one of us gets to survive this mess.

I agree. If I were going to assault a vampire stronghold, I'd definitely want Rongar on my side. Fighting isn't Firouz's strength, Sinbad still doesn't know Bryn very well, and Doubar, although big and strong, is not good at stealth or running. Plus Doubar has to hold down the fort while Sinbad is gone. Remember when Rongar and Sinbad teamed up to defeat the wind warriors back in Season One? Yeah. That was awesome. I'm sure that's what Sinbad was thinking about too.

Aw, man, Firouz looks so sad here as he gazes at Rongar.

The surviving red shirt (literally wearing a red shirt!) freaks out and shouts at Sinbad for not choosing him instead. Bad form, dude, seriously bad form. Doubar berates him, and he shuts up.

Bryn asks Kalilah if she can get a good-bye kiss from Sinbad, but of course, it's a ploy so she can whisper in his ear that Orlock has returned and knows exactly what is going on. I'm not sure why she can't just say that out loud, though. 

“GODSPEED, MY BROTHERS!” yells Doubar as they Sinbad and Rongar leave, because Doubar is confident they'll succeed in the nick of time. This happens all the time.

Meanwhile, Orlock and Marisa are having a moment. They know Kalilah has chosen "a new champion" (implying this has happened before) and Orlock says it’s Marisa's job to kill him. Marisa asks why she just can't let Sinbad succeed and become the new Baroness - a reasonable question under the circumstances.

Orlock's casual answer is literally that Marisa is good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to be an eternal life companion, and despite their differences, Orlock really likes Kalilah, and they've been together longer than any of his other wives... so Marisa should treat Kalilah with respect. Ouch.

If you don't kill Sinbad and Rongar and my wife dies, Orlock threatens, I'll kill you. Got it? If you succeed, we'll have some celebratory adultery. Great choices for Marisa, right?

Meanwhile, the wolves chase them, but Sinbad and Rongar pull the old "breathe through a bamboo tube" trick and the dogs can't find them underwater for some reason. 

Marisa traps them in a snare, but of course doesn't kill them when they're at her mercy, because she's an idiot. Instead, she gloats and pulls all of their weapons off. It takes her a long time to pull all of Rongar's dirks off. 

After making some vaguely ominous threats, she departs. Apparently, the wolves are coming to eat them. I'm not sure HOW the wolves are going to eat them when they're suspended several feet in the air, but as you may have noticed, Marisa isn't the brightest bulb in the box.

I was kinda hoping that Sinbad and Rongar would literally pull themselves up the rope onto the tree branch and untie themselves, because that would be awesome, but Sinbad has a hidden knife in his clothes so he just cuts himself free. I TOLD you Marisa was an idiot.

By the time the wolves arrive, Sinbad and Rongar have climbed the tree just out of reach. Dermott shows up and starts making weird chirping sounds. Back in the castle, Bryn's eyes start glowing so we know magic is supposed to be happening. Dawn breaks and the wolves hit by the shafts of sunlight instantly vanish. The others flee. I'm honestly not sure if this is just a coincidence or if Bryn and Dermott are supposed to be directing it somehow, or how Bryn is able to work with Dermott like that. None of these are things the show is interested in, which makes me grumpy.

Back at the castle, the crew is now chained up in the dungeon with a bunch of other random people in a cage. Firouz and Doubar are resigned (not their first dungeon rodeo) but the redshirt is whining about how they're all doomed, until Doubar yells at him to shut up. Bryn's uncomfortable with how much evil is around. Guards show up with an unpleasant surprise for Bryn - the fresh hand of a hanged man, aka a Hand of Glory.

In this universe, a lit Hand of Glory prevents magic in the vicinity and apparently also hurts/sedates practitioners. Kalilah promised the crew they wouldn't be hurt, but she's asleep upstairs and her guards are sadists.

Marisa finds out that Sinbad and Rongar escaped and come after them with her guards. Watching ground fighters tackle mounted warriors is always fun. Here, Rongar is bait while Sinbad channels his inner Tarzan. 

Sinbad and Rongar “borrow” some of her guards' horses and ride off. Marisa is furious.

... but of course they lose the horses again and go on foot up to the castle via that distinctive rock formation from the "Trickster" episode in season one (only with random dead sticks, so it's different). Because for some reason, we can't have Sinbad STAY on a a horse once he gets one. Sigh.

Suddenly, Marisa attacks, wounding Rongar's arm. I'm just going to assume that's his throwing arm and he's not ambidextrous, because Rongar sits out the rest of this fight, and I can't imagine him not taking Marisa out with a dagger to the back if he could throw.

Anyway, there's some dark flirting and banter and the usual round of backhanded compliments and Marisa falls to her death in the convenient abyss nearby.

Sinbad and Rongar make it to Orlock's stronghold without further incident. They find the heart in a jeweled box, but Orlock interrupts them. Turns out, he never sleeps, he just hides from the sun during the day! Surprise!

Rongar gets some good dirk throws in (I guess his arm is better or the writers remembered his skill set or something) but Orlock is immune, because they're not MADE OF WOOD! Hint: telling your enemies exactly how to kill you is NOT a good plan, even if you think you're invincible. Especially not when you have wooden furniture in the room. 

But Orlock is even dumber than you think, because for some reason his castle has WINDOWS with easily removable cloth CURTAINS on them, so all Sinbad has to do is tear them down and Orlock bursts into flames. Sadly, Sinbad does NOT say, "It's curtains for you, Orlock!" while he does this, but it's still somehow satisfying. Sinbad throws a wooden stake at Orlock for good measure, because Sinbad makes sure his enemies are thoroughly dead before he walks away. Because he's not as dumb as his opponents.

Sinbad and Rongar race back to the castle with Kalilah's heart, but you know they're going to arrive at the last minute, so there's hardly any suspense. Cut to the guards coming to release the prisoners for the feeding.

Bryn's up first, to Doubar's dismay. The redshirt whines a lot. A prison riot ensues. Firouz manages to hit people even with his hands tied, but the redshirt is totally useless.

Kalilah has to break things up, and since the guards injured the redshirt expressly against her orders, she eats their leader first. ... but apparently, she's still hungry enough to eat the crew, because drama. How many people does she need to eat per day in order to stay alive? How does this work? Nothing makes sense, honestly. 

I was actually kinda hoping the redshirt would get eaten, because a) he's a redshirt and more importantly, b) he's been a useless whiner this whole episode. But instead, Firouz lectures Kalilah about willpower and other psychological concepts. It doesn't work. But major props for trying, Firouz!

Good thing Sinbad and Rongar are here to save the day!

"Your heart, my lady," because Sinbad can never resist a dramatic gesture. And because it's literally true.

Why Sinbad couldn't just destroy the heart at Orlock's place and be done with it, I have no idea. Kalilah opens the box, and tosses it into the fire. She asks Sinbad for a good-bye kiss. Sinbad makes a point of pausing and looking over at Bryn. I'm not sure how to interpret the look that passes between them.

I think this is the, Don't worry, Bryn, I kiss everyone! Don't take it personally! face, but I am not sure.

But of course, Sinbad kisses her because a) he kisses everyone and b) even rugged grimdark Sinbad can't refuse the request of a dying woman even if she's EVIL.

Bryn is so uncomfortable with this.

Kalilah mutters to Sinbad how blessed he is because he has family, friends... and love, something she could never find in her long, dark, evil life. She then turns into old!Rumina somehow...

...but only for a moment.

Sinbad catches Bryn staring at him, and it's super-awkward...

Good thing there's that tide to catch!  

So, you see that cage in the background? That's the quartet of musicians that was playing the night before? They don't say ANYTHING the entire time... and the entire crew walks right past them and DOESN'T LET THEM OUT OF THE CAGE.

Bryn pauses to collect Dermott, who has been conveniently AWOL the whole time... She now has Maeve's gauntlet, which is practical since she's the hawk wrangler by default, but I was kinda hoping Sinbad would keep Maeve's gauntlet as a keepsake...

(As you can tell, I'm not keen on Sinbad/Bryn, but you know what would build character and the relationship? SHOW US SINBAD GIVING BRYN MAEVE'S GAUNTLET AND TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE MEANT TO HIM. SHOW HIM GRIEVING AND MOVING ON. HOW ABOUT IT, HUH?)

But letting those guys out of the cage is just too much, apparently.

Yeah, so I'm really pissed off at this ending because I really can't imagine Sinbad being so preoccupied with the tide he won't stop to help people IMPRISONED BY A VAMPIRE AND HIS MARGINALLY LESS EVIL AND MALEVOLENT WIFE. Right.

So this was terrible. Totally and completely nonsensical. But I kinda want the redshirt to be a recurring background character and MAYBE grow and develop over the course of the season in small background ways. Or, heck, he might be eaten by the next sea monster. It's tough not being a main character on this show. He does get props for actually surviving this episode, though it's mostly luck rather than skill that saves him...

Next up: hell. I do mean that literally.

[therealjammy]

The Love They Have is Strange and Wonderful

Just a drabble from Gen’s POV about Root and Shaw shenanigans and some events that happen in her own life. 

Shaw was acting like a complete ditz. She probably wasn’t aware of it, because she was so caught up in what Root was saying, but from her vantage point—behind the two women, forming the point of an invisible triangle—Gen could see everything. The slight crinkle of Shaw’s eyes and the barely-there smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth as she shook her head at something Root said, too soft for Gen to pick up. Though she knew Shaw usually wasn’t like this, smirks and a different light in her eyes. Usually she was serious, or grumpy, or hungry, or irritated about something. Usually Root, who had a knack of getting on Shaw’s nerves, pressing just the right buttons. Once, Gen had walked in on them when Shaw’s hand had been pressed against Root’s throat, clearly a warning and an attempt to get her to shut up all in one go, and the look on Root’s face was one of pleasure. Since then she’s made sure to knock.

           But besides the strange thing playing out before her eyes, there were other things on Gen’s mind, like the fact that she was contacted by someone via computer chat port a couple nights ago. No name, just a thing that said /unknown user/ at the left side and a >Hello, Genrika. The conversation had started out strangely, the unknown user knowing things about her it—they?—couldn’t possibly know. Like her mother’s imprisonment, her grandfather’s passing, the fact that she kept a box cutter underneath her pillow in case of intruders even though the boarding school was in a safer part of town. But then the unknown user had said, This is making you uncomfortable. We will talk about something else.

           Like what? Gen asked.

           What do you know of spying?

           It was a subject she could talk for days about. And the unknown user proved themselves interesting and entirely too fascinating that Gen couldn’t wrap her head around it. Even now her thoughts were spinning. Was it a human that was the unknown user? It couldn’t’ve been Root, she thought, glancing up at the tall brunette, her arm looped through Shaw’s and tugging her happily along. Root was a genius at hacking but didn’t speak so formally. It definitely wasn’t Harold, even though he was as prim and proper as a man from the damn 20th century whose computer skills were as good as Root’s, in different areas. (He didn’t speak to her much anyway, and now the rumour was he was all the way in Italy. Gen wished he would’ve said goodbye, at least.) And it wouldn’t’ve been John, who didn’t speak to her much because they didn’t really know each other or see each other often enough. She didn’t even know the extent of his hacking skills, but based on the little information Shaw told her, he was probably better at kneecapping bad guys than fucking around with computers.

           She had yet to tell Root and Shaw about the encounter. The unknown user had given her permission to, once she had done a bit of thinking. But after two nights of fitful sleep and one stolen energy drink later Gen’s mind was still a tangled web of thoughts. She sighed, loud enough for the two women in front of her to hear, without meaning to.

           “What’s up, kiddo?” Shaw said, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to let her catch up. Gen walked between them, smelling the minty-metal scent of Shaw and the apple-leather of Root. “Something’s got your gears churning.”

           Gen chewed her lip for a moment. Then, “I have something to tell you,” she said to both of them. “Can we eat somewhere?”

             “This is serious,” Gen pouted around her ice cream, feeling a small flare of jealousy crawl inside her when Root didn’t pay attention. She was watching Shaw with that lovesick look on her face, the same look Tara Landry—Gen’s obnoxious roommate—got on her face whenever she was around her crush after school.

           “I’m listening,” Root said.

           “Someone contacted me on my computer two nights ago.” She dipped a fry into the semi-melted cup of strawberry ice cream. “I tried to trace them, like you taught me,” the fry pointed at Root, “but I was blocked. I couldn’t do anything else.”

           “What did they sound like when they spoke to you?” Root questioned, interested now, leaning her chin into her palm. “Formal? Informal? Harsh?”

           “Formal. And kind.” Gen popped the fry into her mouth, fireworks going off as sweet and salty danced together. “It seemed like they weren’t… from this time period. They sounded old-fashioned.” Another fry dipped into ice cream. “Plus they knew things about me they shouldn’t know.”

           “Like?”

           “The box cutter under my pillow. No one knows about that but you and Shaw.” Gen hurriedly scooped the rest of her ice cream into her mouth, doing her best not to cringe at the cold ache making its way through her teeth and into her skull. “Do you know who it is?”

           Root sighed, her face falling in sudden surrender. She did know.

           “It appears,” Root said, “we have a lot to discuss.”

 […]

             The Machine. That’s what She was called. A benevolent AI who knew just about everything but not enough, particularly about people. She knew Root and Shaw and John and Harold well enough, but She wanted to know Gen. She asked as many questions as Gen did and they bounced off each other for hours at a time. Gen didn’t know what she expected when she heard the Machine’s voice for the first time but she hadn’t expected it to be a mix of different voices, sounding robotic. Like different answering machines.

           “Does She sound like this when She speaks to you?” Gen asked Root a few hours ago, studying recent surveillance pictures that’d been taken by Shaw much earlier in the day.

           “She uses a different voice for me,” Root replied, a different look of love on her face that Gen came to know was specifically for the Machine. “It sounds like velvet.”

           Gen removed the earwig from her ear with a sigh, setting it on Root’s nightstand, next to the obnoxious purple lava lamp. For someone who just turned forty-one she had the room of a teenager. The Machine had talked to her about many things, information coming at her like a brick wall would, and it was overwhelming. She lay back on the bed, head thumping against a fluffy pillow. She got a nose full of artificial lilac. Gen said, so Root could hear from inside the subway car, “How can you stand to have Her talking to you all the time?”

           “I’ve had Her voice in my head for five years,” Root replied. “But when I first had Her spilling countless strings of information to me I was a little overwhelmed too.” A pause. “You get used to it.”

           “You’d think,” Gen said after a beat, “that having someone else’s voice in your head prohibits you from thinking your own thoughts. Because it’s always filled with someone else’s.”

           Root made her way to her room, boots clicking on the cement floor. “After a while you learn to tell the difference between Her thoughts and your own. It’s like sorting through data,” Root said thoughtfully, leaning against the doorframe.

           “Hmm,” Gen hummed, absorbing the information. She reached for the earwig again but didn’t put it in her ear. Instead she wrapped it in her palm, like she did when she found the occasional lizard in the shower to carry it outside into the safety of a lavender bush. “Whenever you talk to Her,” she continued, voice softer now, “you have a look of fondness on your face. And you use a different voice for Her.”

           There was a smile tugging at Root’s mouth. “We have different voices for the people we love.”

           A sigh. “I still have to wrap my head around all this.” She closed her eyes. Maybe a nap would help clear her head.

 […]

             “I’m not talking about that fucking kiss.”

           Gen collapsed on her bed with an irritated sigh, wanting so badly to kick her shoes off but knowing Shaw would be along in ten minutes to pick her up. She would stay in Shaw’s loft over the three day weekend and there was, underneath the irritation, excitement bubbling. Staying with Shaw was always interesting, even if she did grump half the time.

           I am curious to know how you felt about it, the Machine texted. Root had failed to tell her how nosy the damn AI could be.

           When Gen didn’t say anything, She continued, Your tone of voice suggests that it was not to your liking.

           “Okay. Fine. You want to know about the kiss? Richard Wright is a fucking terrible kisser.” She rubbed her eye with the heels of her hands. “Terribly wet lips.” The feeling of dissatisfaction reappeared, along with Richard’s puffy, wet lips sliding softly against her own. It didn’t matter that she’d followed him out to the garden, the perfect romantic setting for a first kiss, or that he was handsome. Bad kissers ruined a handsome face. Maybe she could tell Shaw about it, and maybe Shaw would offer good advice. Because she was a fantastic kisser, according to Root and Gen’s own first-hand experiences when accidentally walking in on them and seeing Root blush beet red with a tender bottom lip, swollen from Shaw’s teeth.

           What had Richard said, as she walked away?

           “C’mon, Gen! Practice makes perfect!” A pause, and then he’d called, “I promise I’ll make it up to you!”

           Gen gathered her books for homework and her phone charger, shoving them all into her backpack. The Machine was silent now. Maybe She ran out of things to say, or was watching something going on somewhere. Shaw texted her that she was waiting in the pick-up line in a blue Corvette.

           “See ya, Rover!” Tara Landry said when they passed each other in the hallway. It was a nickname Tara had given her, because she couldn’t pronounce Zhirova. Gen didn’t grace her with a call back.

           She slid smoothly into the passenger seat of the Corvette, aware that other kids were giving her curious looks. There was a temptation to roll down the window and flip them all off.

           “Something up?” Shaw asked, apparently noticing the frown on Gen’s face. She pulled away from the curb, cutting off a soccer mom in the process. She glared at them from behind her square sunglasses.

           “I’ll tell you later.” Though she really didn’t want to relive that unpleasant memory. Obviously Richard didn’t practice kisses on the back of his hand or against shower glass like normal people. “Can we stop for ice cream?”

           Shaw scoffed. “With this kind of diet you’ll have a heart attack by thirty-five.”

           “I think we should just eat the things we like and worry about the consequences later,” Gen countered, plopping her elbow on the armrest and supporting her chin in a palm. She stared at her reflection in the rear-view mirror. Her hair was wild, like 80’s rocker wild, and her cheeks were still slightly flushed. Her eyes, though, were calm. Thoughtful. She watched the world pass by until her attention was turned somewhere else when Shaw pulled into the parking lot of their favourite diner.

           “Gotta eat something else with your ice cream, though,” Shaw advised, that smile playing in her eyes. Proudness? Fondness? Shaw wasn’t fond of anything except steak and the dog Bear and maybe Root. “Like the bacon burger from the kid’s menu. Should be about your size.”

           “One day I’ll outgrow you,” Gen declared, sliding into her usual spot once they were led back to it.

           “My brain will always be taller than yours.”

           Halfway through their late lunch Gen ordered an ice cream sundae, extra sprinkles. Shaw got herself a slice of apple pie. Gen waited until she’d made a dent in her sundae to tell Shaw of the earlier events, starting with the awful nicknames Tara made up for her. Eventually it led up to the garden and she said timidly, “Richard kissed me.”

           Shaw’s brows rose. “Yeah? The awkward kid?”

           “Handsomely awkward,” Gen corrected, hating the blush in her cheeks, “but yes. And it was awful.” She scooped too much ice cream into her mouth and shut her eyes against the onslaught of cold ache, swallowing the rich chocolatey stuff like it was much-needed pain medicine. “I’ll have his slimy lips imprinted in my memory forever.”

           “Kissing takes practice,” Shaw said, lowering her voice so that the other patrons didn’t hear their conversation even though the din of the place muted it anyway. “Everything does, no matter what it is.”

           “I know. Clearly he hasn’t.”

           “Do you want to kiss him again?”

           Her nose scrunched. “Not after that, no. I’d rather kiss the star quarterback or the head cheerleader.” Who was, Gen admitted, quite pretty. In the sun, Augustine Russo’s eyes looked like liquid amber. But the rumour was she was dating someone at a rivalry school, girl or boy, nobody really knew, because her private life was kept well under wraps. The star quarterback, Gene Fitzpatrick, was probably the least assiholic guy on campus. Not as handsome as Richard, sure, but there was something… charming about his slightly crooked teeth when he smiled. Not to mention those blue eyes…

[…]

             She should’ve come back later. Diverted from course, gone to Park’s Deli instead, brought them back sandwiches and Cokes. But Gen had walked in at the wrong time, in the middle of a particularly charged staring contest between Root and Shaw. The context of it was lost on her, but she guessed they’d been arguing over something and were both so worked up at all they could do was stare at each other and dare the other to make the first move. Gen was close to backing out the door and going elsewhere—Shaw seemed ready to shove Root against the nearest surface and strangle her, and not for punishment reasons—but Shaw caught her gaze and said, “We’re done here. Come on in.”

           It was Monday, the last day of the three day weekend. Her homework was done and stuffed into the proper textbooks, the backpack waiting on the spare bed over at Shaw’s loft so she could take it with her tomorrow when Shaw dropped her back off in the morning. She made her way towards the subway car and, before they parted, heard Root whisper, “We’ll continue this later.” Later probably meant in bed. (Yeah. They tried to be quiet, sometimes, when they thought Gen was asleep. Ear protection like the kind people wore on runways would’ve been a fantastic investment.)

           “Should I even ask what you were talking about?” Gen questioned, letting suspicion leak into her tone.

           “Mission stuff.” It was half a mumble, which meant that it was half-true. Probably bed stuff was the other half of it, something she would rather not know about even though details slipped through the crack underneath the spare bedroom door. “Had a bit of an argument.”

           “You looked like you were about to choke her.”

           There was a light in Shaw’s eyes, a smile. She’d enjoy that too much. Because even if they tried to keep things relatively PG-13 around her, Gen was still capable of picking up some signals. She was a spy, for Christ’s sake, and good spies read people.

           “Heard anything more from Robot Overlord?” Shaw asked then, leaning casually against the desk that held computer monitors. They were black, showing signs of being off, but the cameras stared at Gen like they were analysing her core being.

           “No,” she admitted. “Not since That Day.”

           Shaw nodded and from somewhere in the subway, Root’s voice echoed, “You will soon. She’s got something lined up for you.”

           Even if She was strange and sometimes invasive, the Machine never failed to make things exciting or intriguing. She kept Gen’s attention for long moments, often making her lose track of time whenever they talked. This could only mean more spy stuff, Gen thought, feeling excitement flood her. Maybe it meant going on a short mission or doing some minor hacking, or it meant accompanying Root and Shaw somewhere as long as they didn’t get into a gunfight. (She was still uneasy around weapons, after HR had kidnapped her. And the idea of being shot didn’t sit well in Gen’s gut. Both Root and Shaw said bullet wounds burned like fire and pulsed like stab wounds.)

           “Does this mean I get to come with you and Root on missions?” She was trailing behind them again, forming a triangle on the sidewalk. Shaw looked over her shoulder and slowed her pace, motioning for Gen to walk between them.

           “The stuff Root and I get involved in is much more dangerous.”

           “She assures me it’ll be fine,” Root said, smiling a little. The Machine Smile, as Gen called it, that affectionate mask that covered Root’s face whenever the Machine was talking to her, or a mix of that and admiration. It was like when that Catholic kid Benny talked about God’s love; he had this look of awe on his face, a constant question of how did I get so lucky to have someone love me this much despite my flaws?

           Gen poked them both in the arms. “If I do come with you, it means I get to see Shaw act like a complete ditz around you.”  

[avangee]

The Young Alcoholic (LuCana)

I think I was way too drunk today, I don't know what the sober me would have done, mostly because I haven't been sober since I was twelve, but I tried to kiss her today. Mavis, I'm dumb. She's straight! She has a fucking boyfriend! I kissed the completely straight Lucy Heartfilia. Or maybe I didn't. I'll just stick with the idea that she's an alcohol induced hallucination. I'm two percent sure she doesn't exist but I'm ninety-eight percent unsure. She goes to my school, she's in my art class. I'm going to have to see her tommorow, she'll probably shut me out forever. I could stand that, probably. I mean, it's not like she was my best friend who I told about my mom and basically everything else. Okay, I wouldn't be able to stand it if she shut me out, but she could just  be a figment of my imagination. Maybe this is a side effect of alcohol poisoning, imagining an entire life while dying. Maybe my constant state of wasted actually caused some damage like Gildarts had probably said it would. Maybe I'm in hell and being completely idiotic is my eternal punishment. I probably died years ago and I've just been serving out my afterlife as a dumb drunk. Or maybe this is actually real and I actually kissed my straight best friend. Fuck! I kissed my best friend! I could blame it on the tequila I had yesterday morning, but she saw me that day I didn't look any less sober than I normally am. I need a fucking drink. Let's see, what is the strongest liquor I have? Yamazaki! Where the fuck did I put that bottle? Fucking hell, there's bottles everywhere! Dammit, guess I'll just down a few bottles of vodka. Yeah, vodka. Now where the fuck is that?  I can't find any bottle with a drop of vodka or anything else for that matter! I've searched every place I could have  possibly put some alcohol, and nothing but empty fucking bottles. Why must this happen? Fuck it, I'm just going to bed. I don't need more alcohol, anyway. It's not like I'm addicted or anything. Eleven fucking hours! Eleven hours, I've been tossing and turning, eleven fucking hours! I have to "wake up" in an hour, and I've not even gotten two seconds of closed eyes. I'm just going to walk around until I pass out on the sidewalk, yeah that's a great idea self. Pass out on the side walk, great fucking way to get kidnapped, raped and murdered all in one day, greatest idea in the fucking world, self.  Oh hey, there's a lizard on my pillow, how nice. Now it shall be on my sober-ish head, this is the first time I haven't had a hangover in a long time, I did not miss this. Why the fuck did I put a lizard on my head? "Hey Laxus!" I yelled into the voice lacrima, I had dialed the blonde's number in the hopes he'd have something I could drink. "What the fuck do ya want, waking me up at the crack-ass of dawn," came the older man's angry reply. "I'm out of booze, think you could get me some more old man, take some time away from that guy you're fucking and help me with my unwanted sobriety." "Cana, Freed's not just a fuck buddy, have some respect for my husband, now what drinks do ya want?" Laxus asked me with a groan. I didn't know what drink I wanted I just knew I didn't want to be sober, "Anything that makes me forget I tried to kiss Lucy." "She kiss ya back?" I froze. I hadn't even fucking thought of that. She had moved her lips against mine! Fucking hell, I've been so caught up in self pity I didn't even notice that my crush fucking kissed me back! She kissed me back. "Yeah, yeah she did." "Then why d'ya need to forget?" Laxus grumbled, why was he so logical? I mean yeah I did want to forget until I figured out she kissed me back, she fucking kissed me back. "I don't, I just don't want to be sober right now either," I stumbled over my words. "Well then quit yer yammering, get off the fucking lacrima and come get yer whiskey," Wow, the old man was only a little grumpy, normally he was ten times worse. "Yeah, yeah," I muttered and hung up," Gildarts I'm leaving!" I had to at least notify him of my coming absence, haha, big words are fun. I peeled off my sweaty pajama pants and pulled on some super, blood circulation cutting, skinny jeans. As I walked through the halls to get to the door, I was humming and holy fuck I was happy while sober, that's a first. I snatched my keys from the shelf next to the kitchen and forced open the door only to find a beautiful blonde waiting outside of it with her eyes squinted and her hand outstretched, almost like she was going to knock. "Hey, Luce." I seemed to have scared her, her eyes flew open and she jumped, "H-hey Cana." "Did you kiss me back?" I asked, maybe I mis-felt something. "I di- I broke up with Natsu, he uh, he's been fucking Mr. Eucliffe and I was a cover, I, uh, found out after you left. You know-" she ran her fingers through her tangled blonde hair, "- it's funny how I was doing the same thing, but you know it hurts. Yeah, it hurts like hell when you find out you're being used, it's still hurts when-- when you're used by the person you're using." She's crying, oh god she's crying. What do I do? Oh Mavis. Lucy fell, literally fell, on me whilst sobbing softly. "Fuck, Luce. Natsu's an asshole," I exclaimed in a desperate attempt to comfort her, my previous question thrown out the window into a pit of lava. "No, he's not," the blonde whined out weakly, " Besides I did the same thing, so I'm an asshole too." For some reason the words 'I did the same thing' was just now registering, the fuck did she mean, the same thing? "What do you mean you did the same thing?" I asked, she gave a tired chuckle against my shoulder sending a pleasant sensation through my body. "L-let's go outside, huh?" she suggested, her lips moving against my shoulder with every syllable. I nodded and let her lead the way toward the outside world. So, she was a lesbian and was scared of her homophobic, well at least he seemed homophobic, father finding out so she dated Natsu to keep her cover. At least that's what I think I got from her rambling. "Lesbian?" I asked for clarification, Lucy nodded her head, and as soon as the thought of my first question appeared it was coming out of my mouth. "I did kiss you back, Cana. Why'd you run away?" " I thought I fucked up, Luce, you are -were- straight and you had a fucking boyfriend. A-and I was too distracted by the fact I fucked up to even notice you were kissing me back. Besides I don't even know why I thought it was a good idea to kiss you,  I mean, sure I had a huge crush on you for like ever and I had taken just a little more tequila shots than normal that day, but you had a bo-" she cut off my ramblings with a kiss, fucking hell, I love her lips. So soft and sweet, they were like sugar. This time it was I who kissed back, and fuck, I wanted to do so many things to her in this moment that I had to physically force myself to stop kissing her before I fucked her. She smiled at me through the stray strands of blonde that had fallen over her face. I could feel myself smiling too, again I was amazed by the fact I was happy while sober. "Hey." "Hey," Lucy replied, her face was dusted pink, but probably not as much as my face was. " I was thinking, maybe you don't have to have a cover guy anymore, maybe y-you could actually date someone you really like." I mentally facepalmed myself with six different sets of non-existant hands, I wasn't making sense. "Are you asking me out, Cana?" Lucy asked, I just nodded sheepishly, "Then yes, yes I will go out with you." I couldn't help it, I kissed her again. I was fucking ecstatic, she seemef happy even though she was crying only a few minutes ago. Maybe I didn't need the alcohol from Laxus anymore if I had my own opium source in the form of a sexy blonde. If she stuck around forever maybe I wouldn't need it at all.

[darkhymns-fic]

Standing By Your Side Whether You Like It or Not!!!

Many things have changed since the human left the Underground. A few monsters had vanished under mysterious circumstances, the even more mysterious Queen had returned to rule, and Undyne now worked within the fast food industry. Also, Undyne was being both very mysterious and moody lately.

His best friend clearly needed some support, and who better to support her than the Great Papyrus?!

Fandom: Undertale Characters: Undyne, Papyrus, Sans Rating: G Mirror Links: AO3, FF.net Notes: Warning for accurate depictions of working in fast food service. :)

“it’s all in the wrist, see?”

“Yeah huh.”

“gotta calculate the right amount of ketchup and relish to fit on the bun. there’s a science to it.”

“Right.”

“taking notes, boss? wouldn’t want you to have to play ketchup once I get into the advanced lessons.”

“That is literally the tenth time you’ve said that joke, stop it.”

The sentry post was tiny, made for the accustomed space of an equally tiny skeleton instead of a tall, high-wired fish monster. But it was the best hot dog business this side of monster town. Well, the only hot dog business, really. No one actually knew what hot dogs were exactly, so Sans had gotten a monopoly on the business. With the population stuck between Muffet’s massively expensive bakery dealings and Sans’ questionable menu, it wasn’t like most monsters had much of a choice in the matter to get some quick and dirty snacks. Unless you decided to hoof it on over to the MTT Emporium, and only if you had a craving for sequins.

Undyne could barely fit into the post, the top of her head brushing against the underside of the roof, the same roof that refused to be cleared of any snow. And like the monsters of the Underground, the former Captain of the Royal Guard was also left with little choice of where to turn to… for money, that is. There weren’t exactly many job openings lately since the King’s demise. MTT’s customer service was all but locked out, Muffet’s business solely practiced nepotism, and she could barely ever get an interview for Napstablook’s Snail Farm and Racetrack, the ghost being too shy to ever meet up with her. Grillby’s had offered, but her former co-workers hung out at the bar plenty, which only made things awkward between everyone. And begging a job from the Queen – well, that bridge was burned no matter what. There was really only one place left for her to go.

Sans had already given the angry fish her nametag before she thought to ask him.

Sure, maybe this wasn’t as glorious as her last occupation, but she was never one to give up – even if the whole situation made her more grumpy than usual.

“What are these hot dogs even made out of?” She glared at the skeleton who was propped up on a small stool, eating his previous lesson prop.

“no worries. it’s all local produce.” He made the a-ok sign with his gloved hands. “scout’s honor.”

“Do we even eat meat down here??”

“hey, would i ever lie to you.”

“Yes, you would?! And you have?! Plenty of times!”

Undyne slammed the counter of the sentry post/hot dog stand with her fist, the wood splintering from the pressure. Even though she glared outright murder at the skeleton, he took no notice.

“huh. doesn’t sound like me.” He slid off his stubby legs from the damaged counter, sitting as straight as his lazy bones would allow. “anyway, better stop slacking, undies. we got customers.”

Honestly though, giving up this job was getting very tempting by the day. And she had only been working one day.

“Ahh~! Open still, yes!”

A happy Vulkin was standing just before the hot dog stand, patiently waiting for them with flushed cheeks, flushed eyes, and a flushing magma core that continually spewed out hot torrents of love! Or whatever the Vulkin liked to call it.

Undyne can’t stand these guys for a number of reasons.

“heya, buddy. same as usual, right?”

“Yeah~! Toasty bun!”

“ya heard the adorable little tectonic plate.” He motioned at Undyne. “give ‘em what they want.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Undyne took out one of the slightly over-burnt buns, placing the hot dog (???) in it, then proceeded to add the toppings. “You want ketchup on it, right?”

“Ahh~! So tasty!”

Well, she was interpreting that as a yes. Heaving a bit underneath the heat, she gripped the ketchup bottle and squeezed. There was an appropriate amount, she supposed. But nah, it looked so lame! She squeezed again, until the hot dog was slathered in it, becoming more and more like a bloody mess of meat and bread.

“kinda overkill, don’t ya think?” Sans criticized.

“You barely ever put any of this stuff on!” Undyne shot back, currently strangling the hot dog with a strong fist. “Especially for a monster that supposedly loves drinking it!”

“Wow~! So very red! And tasty!”

“See? They get it!” Undyne turned her shark-tooth grin to the smiling Vulkin. “Hey! Just getting ketchup is pretty boring! Want some relish? Thousand-island sauce?”

“Ahh~! I am allergic to relish-”

Undyne took out a whole pot that was filled with the relish topping, seemingly out of nowhere. Hot dog in shaking fist, she dunked the food inside the pot until it was completely covered in the stuff. “NGGaahh!”

“wow.” Sans was leaning his skull onto his hand, watching with interest. None of the food splatters seemed to hit him. “chill.”

The Vulkin never seemed to mine that their food was completely soggy, with barely any of the original ketchup left on it. Undyne drizzled some other condiments onto the hot dog, including secret sauce, secret sprinkles, and secret flakes (made by the secret tems). Undyne then slammed the decorative snack into the crater that made up the Vulkin’s head. “Ahh~! Toasty bun! But relish-”

“You need to build up your immunity!” Undyne declared, pointing at the Vulkin. “And the only way you can do that is to face your allergy head on!”

“is that how it works?” Sans asked.

“Thank you~! I love toasty buns!” The Vulkin then walked around the counter to get closer to Undyne. “Thank you! Hug!”

This was one of the reasons why she didn’t particularly like these Vulkins.

“Hey! No need for that. Hold on!”

“come on, boss,” Sans commented. “as your boss, you gotta listen to the customer and accept what they give you. don’t wanna be rude.”

“Ugh, are you serious?”

“Hug~!” The Vulkin moved ever closer to Undyne, the heat of its personal lava overflowing to threaten a certain fish to become fried.

“rules are rules.” Sans shrugged. “and ya gotta work on those social skills a bit more. this is a good start.”

“Hug~!”

“Ngahhh! God damn it-!”

Undyne wasn’t the only one who disliked Hotland.

Papyrus could never truly understand why his brother would voluntarily set up his illegal side-job there. Not that Papyrus could disapprove of Sans finding his work ethic! (Even if said work ethic was for questionable ventures). Apparently, Hotland was where the crowds would gather for having a fresh hot bun in their fresh hot hell. But then, those who enjoyed having conveyor belt puzzles around their homes were probably very strange monsters to begin with!

But since it was Undyne’s very first day into her new job, Papyrus thought it prudent to visit. Well, actually, Sans had thought it prudent for Papyrus to visit. While this would eat into Papyrus’ sentry duties, he supposed he could make this exception. After all, he would be seeing Undyne!

“SANS!” Papyrus shouted, still miles off from his destination as he passed the flashing neon welcome sign. The decibels of his voice echoed across the vast cavernous walls that was the Underground, his brilliant tenor gracing the ears of most monsters, including startling a poor lizard monster who was still at work in her lab. “I AM COMING OVER FOR A VISIT.”

“cool, bro,” Sans spoke back, despite the fact that Papyrus was still very far off and that there was no sign of his brother nearby.

When he finally arrived at the hot dog stand, having to traverse the (shudder) dreaded conveyor belts, his skull was sweating bullets. Not that he was affected by the heat, as he had no skin, but because Hotland was always so very stressful! How could monsters stand to live here? And not the snowy landscape of Snowdin where sensible puzzles containing spikes, electric panels, and other like-minded additions were common?

“HI UNDYNE,” he said, wiping away the perspiration. “YOU LOOK VERY SLIMY. AND… BURNT?”

Any hotter, and Undyne would have been the perfect fishy side-dish, complete with lemon juice and some coleslaw for dipping. But right now, she was mostly just a burnt Undyne, who was angrily sipping away at a plastic cup of water.

“Heya, Papyrus,” she greeted rather morosely.

“YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE IN A FIERCE BATTLE! OH! WERE YOU IN A FIERCE BATTLE? WITH A DREADED FIRE-CREATURE?”

“nah,” Sans answered, seated right next to her. “she’s just been working in customer service.”

Undyne, sole eye glaring, had her fists clenched, looking ready to pound the smiling skell’s face. Instead, she swallowed whatever she was about to shout, and continued sipping her water. Already, Papyrus was rather worried about his friend.

“SANS, I HOPE YOU HAVE BEEN TREATING UNDYNE FAIRLY. WHAT WITH HER HOUSE BEING BURNED DOWN AND HAVING NO OTHER SKILL SETS AND QUALIFCATIONS TO GET ANOTHER JOB.”

“hey, im treating her great. right, undies?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

Still, despite her disheveled appearance, what with her sweat and scorch marks, Undyne seemed she was fitting right in! She even had her own uniform! Although it only consisted of both a nametag (spelled ‘un-dine’) and a little cap on her head that had the design of a grinning skull, badly drawn and very asymmetrical. Either way, it was very professional!

“Hey, what are you doing here anyway?” Undyne asked Papyrus, narrowing an eye. “Shouldn’t you be on duty right now?”

Standing up tall, like he would when he had to give his daily reports to Undyne, he nodded. “YES. BUT SANS WANTED ME TO COME OVER. SO I USED MY SOLE VACATION DAY TO COME ALONG.”

Before Undyne could even begin to ask more, Sans made an obnoxious yawn, made even more obnoxious when his jaw never even cracked an inch open as he did so. “welp, time for my legally required break.”

“Man, finally.” Undyne groaned, stretching out her arms. “Can’t wait to eat the lunch alphys made-”

“hey,” Sans waved at her. “my break though. yours is later.”

She stared. “What?! I came in to work earlier than you! When’s my break?”

“later on.” Sans slid off his stool. “that’s why i had papyrus come over. to keep you company.”

“WOWIE. YOU THOUGHT THIS THROUGH, BROTHER!”

“thanks.”

“I never made you work for 6 hours straight with no break! And I could have!”

“no worries. as my illegal worker, i’m giving you all the benefits you have every right to, promise.” Hands in his coat pockets, Sans stood up, sidestepping to the right. “going to grillby’s. be back in ten, or something.”

Undyne was literally shaking but before she could do anything, Papyrus had seated himself right next to her, hands on his bony lap, an everlasting smile on his bony face. “I WILL BE HERE UNTIL YOU GET BACK. JUST DON’T FALL ASLEEP AT GRILLYBY’S AGAIN.”

“hey, you know i never would.” And with a wink, Sans left them both. Just like that, no walking away or anything normal like that. He vanished with that wink, instantly leaving a steaming Hotland, along with the steaming hot dogs, as well as the steaming Undyne.

Grimacing, Undyne ripped off the cap from her head, throwing it to the ground. She proceeded to stomp on it into the dirt, grinding her heel into that badly drawn skull. All the while, she muttered out, “Stupid! Dumb! Stupid!”

Papyrus witnessed this event with happy silence before he interrupted, “DID YOU HAVE A GOOD FIRST DAY SO FAR?”

Her tirade against the hat finished, she slunk back onto her seat, crossing her arms and frowning. “It’s been swell.”

Now, Papyrus didn’t like to think Undyne was being untruthful, but he had a suspicion that she was stretching such truth for him juuust a bit.

“SANS MAY NOT BE THE BEST SENTRY WORKER,” he said to continue the conversation, “BUT HE DOES HAVE A PASSION FOR HIS ILLEGAL FOOD STAND. HE MUST REALLY BELIEVE IN YOU TO HAVE YOU LEARN HIS MANY TRADE SECRETS. AS HE SHOULD, FOR YOU ARE VERY GREAT! NYEH-HEH-HEH!”

Surprisingly, Undyne did not seem to be cheered by Papyrus’ world-renowned praises. In fact, she only frowned even more, staring hard at the hot dog counter, at the very cracks that splintered the wood, resembling lightning strikes.

That was what her mood was like lately, even more so. Like lightning that was ready to lash out at any given moment. But Papyrus knew just who she wanted that lightning to strike down particularly.

Determined to get her out of this mood, Papyrus took out one of the prepared hot dogs that was sitting on a nearby rack. Despite knowing that this violated a number of sanitary regulations, (not that his brother ever practiced them) the skeleton held the hot dog in his gloved hand, ignoring the horrific, greasy feeling it gave him. “SANS CAN ACTUALLY BE QUITE TALENTED WHEN HE PUTS HIS MIND TO THINGS. SEE? HE EVEN CARVED THIS LITTLE KITTY FACE INTO THIS-”

“You don’t need to try so hard, you know,” Undyne finally said. Her voice was low, and her fiery red hair was drenched with sweat. She was back to drinking her water cups, routinely crushing the fragile things in her fists when she was done and throwing them to the side. Usually, this prompted Papyrus to remind her about the important act of recycling, for they had only one Underground after all! But, he decided it would be even more important to stay quiet.

“This is just temporary anyway. So I’ll deal with Sans’ stupid rules and whatever until we finally get out of here.” She took another sip, more angrily this time, her sharp teeth tearing into its rim. “Then I’m going to hunt that punk down and pay them back for what they did.”

She didn’t have to specify for him to know who she spoke about.

Papyrus, balancing the crafted hot cat in his hands, tried to intervene. “I STILL THINK THEY WERE NOT A BAD PERSON REALLY. THEY WERE VERY NICE TO EVERYBODY IN SNOWDIN.”

Undyne stomped her foot angrily, fists clenched, her sole eye sparking in fury. “Yeah, in Snowdin! But what about in Waterfall? What about even here in Hotland? What about what they did to Shyren, who only ever wanted to sing her heart out? Or to my guards who were only following my orders? Those big doofuses who were always in sync…”

She hung her head, her previous fire suddenly engulfed by sober melancholy. It was very much unlike her, but Papyrus had seen this side of her more often than he liked to admit.

“What about what they did to Asgore? The big guy was such a pushover. Probably only offered them tea and a talk about the weather. I can’t…” She grimaced, then pushed out the words in a seething whisper. “I can’t believe I let myself be friends with them in the first place! I knew humans were bad. I knew that they were the reason we were stuck down here, yet I fell for their tricks anyway!”

For a moment, her voice choked up, her breath stuttered, but still she kept going. He had a feeling that this was not a new thing that Undyne was saying, as if this was something she had said to herself for a while now.

“Because of that mistake, I let my friends get hurt. And I let that punk take away all of the other souls. Now we’re back to square one and…” She pounded her fist again on the counter, further widening those cracks, threatening the stand to topple over at any second. “But the moment we get all those human souls back, I’ll find that human and destroy them!”

“BUT, UNDYNE,” Papryus tried to protest. “THE QUEEN RULED THAT ANY OTHER HUMANS THAT FALL DOWN HERE NOT GET HURT. WE CAN’T DISOBEY HER!”

Undyne turned to Papyrus finally, her eye bright, her scales still tinted red from her rage (and near heat-strokes). “The Queen’s been in hiding for so long, and now that she’s back, she expects to be listened to? Asgore was here for all of us monsters, not her! I’m honoring what he wanted us to do – to save all monsters and take back the Surface. Making friends like the Queen wants is what got us into this mess in the first place!” She bowed her head again, back to her sulking. She crossed her arms, looking off to the side. “That was my mistake. I’ll never do that again.”

Undyne started doing these kinds of things now. Dramatic monologues that veered more into vengeance than into hope, more into dealing out justice than into protecting all of monsterkind. It was what she did when she was stuck in their home, having no other place to go. Papyrus would take his breaks with her, just hanging out in the living room. But when she got into these moods, he didn’t always know what to do, except to sit and listen to her berate herself for not getting the human’s soul at the first opportunity.

Once, he had asked Sans just what the human must have done to make Undyne so angry, so… betrayed. His brother had shrugged, but for once, his tone held little amusement. “sometimes you think you know a person.”

Papyrus still believed both Undyne and the human would have been great friends – and they were for a time! Whatever happened to make the human do the things they did (whatever they were – and he hadn’t seen Shyren or some of the Moldsmals for a while actually…) was enough to make Undyne feel depressed. He had hoped that her being a busy with a job would get her out of this mood, and back to her loud, abrasive, bench-pressing self! But not even a day of hard-labor under sweltering conditions could affect her apparently.

Papyrus, still holding the hot cat, (Oh! It even had a little tail! Sans was getting better at this!) pondered on what he could do, or say. Perhaps he could give Undyne the human’s cell phone number! This seemed like a situation where each could discuss their own feelings and finally reach an understanding. Although, Papyrus had only been able to leave a message the last time, and he wasn’t sure if Undyne would just be shouting into the phone for two hours straight. At the very least, it might be therapeutic for her.

He had warned the human to never come back, however…

“SO, IF THE SAME HUMAN DID FALL DOWN HERE AGAIN,” he started. “PROBABLY TO SEE THEIR COOL BESTEST FRIEND, PAPYRUS… YOU WOULD FIGHT THEM?”

Undyne didn’t hesitate. “Yes.” Her fists clenched, and suddenly there was a frightening smile on her face. One filled with righteous fury, and thirsty for a good fight. Her scales were still covered with sweat - the contrast of her exhaustion with the adrenaline rush to her eye made a vivid image. “I’ll pay them back for what they’ve done, and take their soul. And I won’t let anyone stop me –not the Queen, and not even y-!”

She stopped, the passion in her voice flickering out suddenly. Her smile faltered, and her fingers slackened.  Papyrus waited in anticipation. Not even who?? Why did she stop?? He had to know!

“…Doesn’t matter.” Undyne shook her head, mood shifting back to moroseness. She turned away again. “They’d be stupid to come back. But I’ll find them, no matter where they hide. And that’s a promise.”

Papyrus knew Undyne better than anyone – more than Alphys could, and more than maybe even King Asgore did. He knew that she kept to her promises.

“WELL, IF THAT IS WHAT YOU DECIDE…” He puffed out his chest, flexed his bony muscles, and slammed the hot cat in the middle of the counter to showcase his feat of massive strength. “THEN I WILL HELP YOU.”

Undyne blinked, leaving her sulky mood faster than expected. “What? Hey, that’s not… You don’t need to do that.”

“I WON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.” Papyrus stood up, his scarf flowing majestically from the hot steams that came from the magma below them, threatening to set the fabric on fire at any given moment. “I AM YOUR NUMBER ONE COOLEST AND BESTEST FRIEND, AND AS YOUR FRIEND, I WILL STAND BY YOU THROUGH THICK AND THIN. EVEN IF WHAT YOU PROPOSE IS NIGH ON CLOSE TO COMPLETE ANNIHILATION AND GENOCIDE OF THE HUMAN RACE IN ORDER TO ROOT OUT THE ONE PERSON THAT HAS WRONGED YOU. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT BEST FRIENDS DO!”

Undyne was speechless, probably so awed by Papyrus’ fervent declaration of friendship, as well as just how much flexing his arms were doing right now. He understood. He would’ve been speechless himself if he saw someone as awesome as he!

“Paps...” Undyne said finally, using a nickname that used to be common, back before the human ever fell down, back before she burnt her house to the ground. “I can’t let you do that for me. It’s not your fault for what the human did. It’s mine. All the history books Alphys gave me, all the recorded footage and research materials, I knew that humans were capable of terrible things. Yet, instead of doing what I needed to, I gave them cooking lessons.” She stood up as well, back straight, and fists clenched, dedicated. “This is my burden, not yours-”

“WAIT!” Papyrus stopped her, his voice somehow louder than before. Seeing how she nearly matched her height, he stood up on his toes so that he could have that two inch advantage. “I’M SORRY TO SAY THIS, UNDYNE. BUT WHAT YOU SUGGEST… IT IS NOT VERY SMART. IN FACT, I HAVE TO SAY IT’S…” He struggled, then blurt out the rest. “IT’S VERY NOT SMART AT ALL!”

Undyne’s eye twitched. “…What’d you say?”

“UNDYNE, YOU TALK AS IF YOU HAVE TO WAGE WAR ON HUMANITY ALL BY YOURSELF. BUT AS BEST FRIEND OF COOL DUDE PAPYRUS, YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO TAKE ON SUCH VENTURES WITH SAID COOL DUDE PAPYRUS. WHO WILL HAVE YOUR BACK WHEN THE VAST ARMIES OF HUMANITY HAVE YOU CORNERED? WHO WILL RESCUE YOU WITH DARING FEATS OF STRENGTH AND SKILL AT THE VERY LAST SECOND? AND WHO WILL HELP YOU FIND THE LAST MISSING CLUES TO THE HUMAN’S WHEREABOUTS SO THAT YOU CAN FINALLY LIVE OUT YOUR REVENGE FANTASY?” Papyrus jutted a thumb at his chest, his battle body spit-shined clean and looking as dashing as ever. “THE GREAT PAPYRUS, THAT’S WHO.”

Undyne struggled again with speech, but she was quicker this time, grimacing as she did so. “I told you I don’t need any help! And you have no idea just how cruel these humans can be! They’d… they’d eat you alive while you’d still have a smile on your face!!”

“I RESENT SUCH ACCUSATIONS,” he countered. “AFTER ALL, AM I NOT ONE OF THE MOST TOUGHEST MONSTERS IN THE UNDERGROUND, NEXT TO YOU?”

“Well- yeah, you’re freaking tough! But-”

“AND AS ONE OF THE TOUGHEST, HANDSOMEST, AND ALL AROUND RADDEST DUDE, I DESERVE TO STAND BY YOUR SIDE WHILE YOU DISH OUT COLD PLATES OF REVENGE.” Papyrus then stomped his foot, overwhelmed by his own emotions. “I WILL NOT LET MY COOL FRIEND GO OUT INTO DANGER ALONE AND LEAVE ME OUT OF THE ADVENTURE!”

“Ngaaaah! This isn’t just an adventure! This is serious! I can’t let another monster get hurt because of me!”

“THEN YOU NEED NOT WORRY! NO HUMAN CAN EVER HURT ME, NOT UNTIL THEY SAMPLE MY FINEST SPAGHETTI WHICH WILL LULL THEM INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY AS YOU STAB THEM IN THE BACK.”

“…Wow, that’s… that’s pretty brutal, Paps,” Undyne stuttered before recovering. “But still! These humans probably don’t even like spaghetti!”

“THAT IS OUTRAGEOUS. EVERYONE LOVES THE GREAT PAPYRUS’ SPAGHETTI. NOW WHO’S TALKING CRAZY??”

What started off as a beautiful speech of friendship from Papyrus, amazing in its rendition even though it landed hard on the ears, became a shouting contest between fish and skeleton. The churning magma beneath their feet, and the constant steam that formed all around them, added a powerful imagery to their just as powerful words.

“I MEAN, WHO DOESN’T LIKE A MEAN LINGUINI NOWADAYS? DO NOT PATRONIZE ME, UNDYNE. I KNOW THE SECRETS TO CULINARY EXCELLENCE AND I WILL NOT BE INSULTED!!”

“HEY! Don’t forget that I was the one who first taught you about linguini and all the rest! And as your cooking mentor, I suggest you sit this one out!”

So entrenched they were in their shouting contest that they never noticed the little monster, their cheeks blushing and their eyes full of idyllic bliss.

“Ahh~! So loud!”

“MY COOKING MENTOR ALSO TOLD ME TO NEVER GIVE UP! AND THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW. NOT GIVING UP, AND NOT BACKING DOWN FROM MY FRIEND WHO NEEDS ME MORE THAN EVER!”

“You can’t turn that back on me! As your former mentor and boss, I order you to give up right now, let me pursue my rage-filled quest alone, and live out your life happily and to the fullest!”

“Ahh~! So contradictory!”

“And another-!” Undyne halted in mid-shout to turn to the monster – another happy little Vulkin who was standing before the counter, its tiny feet shuffling along the ground to a silent tune.

“Oh, right,” she muttered, instantly deflating. “I’m still on the clock right now.”

Papyrus, whose attention was brought fully to the Vulkin, suddenly had the best idea he ever had in his entire life. Which was quite a feat, as he had many great ideas!

“I PROPOSE A COMPETITION,” he said, shooting up his fist to hit the underside of the hot dog stand’s roof.

“A what who now?” Undyne asked.

“A COMPETITION. IF YOU REALLY, TRULY DON’T WANT ME TO FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARKNESS THAT IS YOUR GOAL…” He pointed at her, smile radiant, and eyes shining great sparkles to show off to Undyne his fervor and that he meant business. “THEN YOU MUST DEFEAT ME.”

Undyne was silent, her sole eye perusing Papyrus with the most piercing look he had ever received from her. Even more than when she assessed him to have the guts (metaphorically speaking) to join the Royal Guard, assigning him his sentry duties as ‘training wheels,’ or so she said.

Finally, her lips curled in a manic grin. Not one filled with revenge, or with darkness seeping at the edges of her fangs, but like his best friend. “Is that a challenge?”

It was time to set the stakes. Papyrus had one hand on his bony hip, gesturing to the Vulkin with the other. “THE MONSTER WHO MAKES THE BEST HOT DOG THAT FULFILL’S THIS VULKIN’S DESIRE CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. THUS, WHEN I WIN, I CAN ACCOMPANY YOU ON YOUR VIOLENT, DEPRESSION-FILLED QUEST.”

Undyne placed a booted foot on the hot dog counter, wrecking the front of the stand to oblivion. It was quite a feat of craftsmanship that the roof and the sides continued standing and didn’t collapse from the lack of structural support.

“And if I win, you’re going back to being a babybones and working more on your spaghetti. Now bring it on!” Then she fiercely turned to the Vulkin, who was still peacefully smiling at the two. “Now, whaddya want!?”

“Ahh~! Toasty bun!”

“The toastiest bun you ever did see coming right up!!” Undyne plunged her fist into the bucket of water sausages (might as well admit it right now), her strength off-the-charts as she did so, making several of the food items explode on contact. In her hand, she held out some mushy goodness, and plopped that into a bun. Papyrus mimicked her motion, though he was able to retrieve a sausage mostly intact.

“I WILL DELIVER THE TOASIEST BUN, UNDYNE! AND THE TASTIEST! NYEH-HEH-HEH!”

“Ha! That’s all talk!” She narrowed her eye. “Better put your money where your mouth is, Paps!”

“I WON’T, BECAUSE THAT IS VERY GROSS! BUT I WILL MEET UP TO THE CHALLENGE!”

With matching maniacal grins, they held up their respective hot dog buns, both of them having been wrung to near obliteration from the force of the monsters’ drive for victory.

Then they turned around, facing the sea of lava that made up Hotland and was the (weak) inspiration for its name.

“Ready?” Undyne asked, shivering with glee.

“ALWAYS, UNDYNE.”

Then, with supreme dedication for customer satisfaction in making the toastiest buns there ever was, they both charged headlong into the lava, spurred on by the Vulkin’s cheers.

“Ahh~! So dangerous and fatal-inducing!”

One thing that Sans had learned early on is that he should never predict what would happen when he left Undyne and Papyrus to themselves. That’d be useless in the long run. Also, it was way more fun to be surprised anyway.

“heh,” he chuckled when he finally came back from his two-hour break. “guess you both really set this place on fire.”

He wasn’t even exaggerating here.

“BROTHER. I AM GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU HAVE RETURNED FROM YOUR BREAKS.” Papyrus greeted with a wave, his bones charred a furious black, soot covering his once-pristine battle body.

“Yeah, just how long was that exactly?” Undyne said, equally charred, but with the whitest smile on her face. Even her hair was singed to the roots.

In both their arms were the charred remains of toasted hot dogs (and cats), the sentry post with the snow-covered roof now completely on fire. In fact, there was fire virtually everywhere, and not just in the magma sea. It was exactly the place that a snowman would never ever want to be even kinda near.

The Vulkin, still standing in front of the destroyed stand, turned to Sans, holding several hot dogs in its core that had infinity-degree burns all over them. “Ahh~! The toastiest!” it squeaked while its very own lava turned all those hot dogs it held into complete ash.

“so hey, quick survey here,” Sans said. “how’d you rate the service you just got?”

“Ahh~! The best! So satisfied!”

“k, great. now how’d you rate Undyne’s fashion sense?”

“Ohh… could be better…”

“Hey!”

“awesome. thanks for participating. here’s a coupon.” He handed the Vulkin a toilet square, which looked to have permanent marker written on it. “for all the free hugs you’re allowed to give my trainee.”

Amazingly, Undyne didn’t even growl menacingly at him for that. She was looking pretty happy actually, still caught in the throes of adrenaline from whatever life-or-death thing she and Papyrus had just been doing. Sure, maybe it cost him some in property damages, but Papyrus seemed happy, too, which was really all that mattered.

“thanks for taking over, bro.” Sans slowly made his way to the stand, now quietly smoldering, but hey, the water sausages were all cooked now, so there was a plus. “what’d you do anyway?”

“WE HAD A COMPETITION ON WHO CAN MAKE THE BEST HOT DOG FOR OUR CUSTOMER! FULL OF FIRE AND PASSION, AND ALSO A LOT OF FIRE!”

“so who won?”

“BOTH OF US! OUR CUSTOMER COULD NOT CHOOSE!” Papyrus shot his fists up in the air. “WE ARE BOTH THE VICTORS AND THE LOSERS!”

“Yeah, it was kinda lame.” Undyne huffed, but couldn’t get the smile off her face. “Well, I’m still going to order you to stay at home, but I guess that’s all I can do, right?”

“EXACTLY. YOU ARE NOW HELPLESS TO MY DREAM OF HELPING YOU!”

Sans, already tired of standing, sat himself down on the ground where fire had also made its home. “helping with what?”

“HELPING WITH UNDYNE’S QUEST FOR REVENGE AGAINST THE HUMAN.”

Sans made only a shrugging motion, looking half-asleep. “sounds neat.”

“Fine, but I’m only letting you stand next to me and looking tough then! I’ll be doing all the dirty work of the maiming and slaughtering!”

“OKAY! I WILL BE YOUR MORAL SUPPORT FOR YOUR DESTRUCTIVE RAMPAGE!”

Now, this was certainly one, sorta-happy ending that Sans would have to get used to. He’d just have to keep it a secret from the old lady for as long as he could. And though he dug his hands in his coat pockets, and made himself a pillow out of the ash, his grin was a little strained. “heh, well if the kid wants to stick with this ending… gotta wish ‘em luck.”