#(and BPD and PTSD but he doesnt wanna talk about that)

[solaneceae]

étude d'expressions pour la creatura. little freak of a man.

+bonus sketch de recherche parce qu'ils me terminent lmao y'a pas UNE seule pensée derrière ces yeux

art par @ullenska sur twitter

[huntertherapyeras]

I would LOVE to hear about your post amphibia headcanons!!!! What are your thoughts??

hiii moth 💜 hiiiii tumblr mutual/friend @colordesign (referring to u by url bc idk if u want ur name out there 💜) ok so i am having a big adhd moment and keep getting distracted from answering this ask but im just gonna do it!!! bc i really wanna talk about my hcs!!!! this is gonna be so long sorry in advance!!

ok so for my first hc its about the calamity trio as a whole post amphibia... i desperately dont want marcy to have to move away from all of her friends after this (i think that would break my heart) so in my brain they end up staying with anne while their parents move wherever they want. is it realistic? no, but it feels good to me so imma stick with it. sasha stays over all the fucking time too but he still has to stay with her parents for Custody/Visitation reasons sometimes x.x she HATES it but such is life...

they eventually move into an apartment together after high school. sasha teaches martial arts or fencing or smth similar, anne works part time at thai go and maybe gets a degree in film??? (i know she isnt a school enjoyer but she just loves film and tv so much thats the only thing i can imagine her going to college for!) marcy spends a lot of time during college exploring various majors and ends up getting a few different degrees - probably one in like, environmental biology and one in anthropology at least! (these hcs arent set in stone, im mostly just thinking aloud for these ones...)

oh and during high school they visit amphibia on the weekends. afterwards? its different times but they still visit a lot!!!!

and theyre dating ofc 💜 all three of them 😌 polyam icons

onto personal hcs which ARE more set in stone for me:

sasha ends up coming out as bigender in high school. he uses she/he alternating pronouns! she is a lot less like, fake post amphibia because after being there so long he realizes that its just a behavior that he was using to protect himself and that it really wasnt even working bc it drove anne away and attracted people she didn't really want to interact with esp after everything. but another thing that complicates this is that i ascribe to the hc that sasha comes out of amphibia with a facial difference, which tends to kind of also make Fake people less likely to want to interact bc yknow. theyre superficial.

so i really like the idea that sasha ends up blind in one eye with a large scar over it. i also love the idea of him being deaf in one ear too!!!! though i haven't worked out the mechanics of how both his eye AND ear could be affected in my hc.

tl;dr post amphibia sasha is a lot more genuine, much more obviously angry and kind of blunt, and fiercely protective over the people that he loves. this isnt to say that he can't still act super phoney, because it was second nature to her for a long time so ofc he would slip back into it unintentionally sometimes. but she genuinely wants to be better and do better!!!

oh and wrt brain stuff sasha definitely has bpd (that started developing pre-approval) and ptsd (from after amphibia). he struggles a lot with hypervigilance and mood swings and he's really really sensitive to Percieved rejection and abandonment >:3 oh and my boy is defs dyslexic i dont make da rules 💕

ok so onto anne. i hc her as a trans lesbian! and this hc is soooo important to me 💜 in my brain sasha and marcy already knew that she's trans though since theyve been friends so long, but she doesnt come out as a lesbian until later on, like probably high school? i know a lot of people are really into the hc where she loses an arm and i am all for limb difference anne BUT im personally really attached to her keeping her arm but having lasting nerve damage and arthritis from her breaking it in season one because i have the same issue and yall know i love to project

i hc that post amphibia anne is a bit less easy going than before. she tries to be chill but she has a lot of lasting anger and resentment and it makes things hard for her! she'll never be the same doormat she was before amphibia, and thats ok! shes a lot better at standing up for herself and the people she cares about, which is a positive change!

wrt brain stuff anne has always had adhd and probably dyscalculia too? but after amphibia she also deals with ptsd (they all do). she struggles with hypervigilance, though to less of a degree than sasha does, and feelings of helplessness are a huge trigger for her. the events of true colors are what she most commonly has flashbacks about, and for a long time after she struggles with the scent of cooked meat especially, leading her to a life of mostly vegetarianism. its hard :(

MARCY TIME MARCY TIME MARCY TIME!!!

marcy is heavily affected by their time in amphibia. before being betrayed by andrias, being in amphibia actually helped her confidence a lot! being applauded for what they're good at was really good for them, especially since despite their good grades and talents they didn't actually like... get a lot of praise for it? but what andrias did to her was really really damaging and changed them a lot. :( it takes them a long time to get their 'spark' back. but they never lose their curiosity despite the trauma and still love themself a good fantasy even if they have more triggers than before and sometimes stuff hits a bit harder than they expect

in high school they come out as nonbinary, i hc them as agender? and use they/she pronouns!!!! i think they prefer they but theyre ok with she as well (they really like it when people alternate though)! she's a lesbian too, like sasha and anne! oh and maybe later on they experiment with they/he pronouns too!!! still stewing on that :3

in my hc part of the reason why theyre really clumsy (aside from inattentiveness) is because they have autism associated dyspraxia and hypermobility! its hard to know where u are in space when your joints just naturally go out of the "typical" range of motion (talking from experience). after amphibia they try to be a lot more aware of their surroundings but she tends to dissociate a lot so that does Not help the clumsiness at all

as a result of their injury (all my homies hate andrias) they have a spinal injury between t4 and t6. because of the healing pod, the spinal injury not complete, so marcy still does have some function in her limbs, but they experience a lot of numbness and tingling and sometimes their legs just. stop working. this leads to them being able to walk or even run (if necessary) short distances, but they get tired super easily and have a lot more balance with forearm crutches. they used a rollator for awhile, but that left them stranded a lot so then she transitioned to a manual wheelchair. but because the spinal injury affects their upper body as well, it isn't always possible for them to self propel. they eventually started using a power wheelchair for longer distances like if they want to go for a walk with anne and sasha etc etc etc. the power wheelchair gives them a lot of independence back that they weren't sure they were ever gonna have again so marcy is super grateful for it!

content warning for weight and disordered eating

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right after their possession marcy was pretty emaciated because the core just saw no point in eating even the bare minimum. so when marcy got thru refeeding and stuff they gained a significant amount of weight very quickly. they're proud of the progress that they've made though and are working on their body image (the weight doesn't bother her, but the scars are pretty upsetting for them to look at every day bc of the trauma). fat marcy rights!!!!!

my marcy is ofc autistic and adhd. they also dealt with heavy dissociation even before the trauma in the form of maladaptive daydreaming! it definitely got worse after everything. :( marcy has pretty bad ptsd from it all but they're getting better every day and having anne and sasha around to remind her of her worth is really helpful!

they love each other so much and while they all have their issues they really are happy together and that's what matters 🥺

[repulseddoll]

so like

[diabolikpersonals]

It's also with disabilities like everyone is a okay with Shu being depressed and having ptsd but for some reason it's pushing it too far to call him autistic? Idk this week has been a mess.

I’m putting this under a cut bc there’s a lot of talk of ableism and stereotypes towards different disorders and I know lots of people dont wanna be exposed to that.

a lot of people (certainly not all of them!) who say the boys have certain mental illnesses are not doing it out of a place of respect. those people will say that, for example, ayato has npd and they’ll mean it as a bad thing - as a character flaw, and as a reason why ayato is a bad person. they’ll say kou has bpd and they’ll mean it as “he’s two-faced, he’s got anger issues.” they’ll say kanato has psychosis and they’ll mean it as “he’s crazy, he’s going to kill you.” in other words, they think of these mental illnesses and disorders as a bad thing. (of course, they’re not a bad thing at all, and having these disorders doesnt make you a bad person!!!)

most (if not all!) of the people headcanoning shu (or any character) as autistic are doing it out of love. those headcanons are usually accompanied with nice little details about like...the fabric of shu’s clothes, shu’s stimming habits, shu listening to songs over and over...and it’s just a really nice headcanon because it’s not used to demonize shu and it’s not meant to be a character flaw at all. and lots of the people making these headcanons are autistic themselves, so autistic folks can see themselves in that character!! :D

basically what im sayin is......a lot of people in this fandom aren’t used to neurodivergent headcanons being seen as a good thing. they were only using their own headcanons to be like “oooh, dialovers has mental illness in it, thats so scary! mental illnesses are scary!” and we’re changing that up a bit and making it more positive.

personally, I LOVE the idea of ayato having npd. I wish that I had more npd ayato positivity. every time I see a post about ayato having npd, it always paints him in such a negative light, and it’s entirely based on negative stereotypes. :( we gotta fuckin...reclaim neurodivergent headcanons in dialovers and make em more positive!!!

ayato w/ npd is a super good boy! fuck all those posts that demonize laito’s hypersexuality - we are loving & appreciating hypersexual laito in this house tonight!!! im gonna love & support the shit out of each and every one of these neurodivergent characters!

[gumdecay]

I'm not the same person. I don't have bpd so like you said my experience won't be as intense as yours, but I'm going through something very similar rn in my relationship. in general, your dissatisfaction doesn't seem unreasonable, only maybe the part about compliments, he might reassure you bc he knows you need it a lot. your explanation was clear enough, you can try to talk it out with him. if this is worth keeping, he won't be an asshole about you being the "c****" gf

o that sucks im sorry.. if u wanna talk abt it u can, on or off anon.. ya that makes sense abt the compliments i just dont. like kno how 2 respond but i hate saying nothing so :’) i usually just say ty again n then feel stupid lol

n like idk we have talked a bit abt it like. throughout our relationship. like weve been 2gether a yr now n esp ovr the summer weve had a lot of different convos abt it n like he says all the right things but doesnt. evr. back it up w actions lol. which ive brought up 2 him as well! so like. on top of not knowing what 2 say i feel like it doesnt matter What i say. idk. 

hes actually rlly good abt mental illness like he knows i have ptsd n ocd but not the rest of my laundry list of diagnoses lmao but. like on one of our first dates (like 4th i think?) he said that he dated a girl who like. was Too Happy, that it was covering up an unhappiness that she wasnt dealing w. and uhhhh it struck a chord then n i cant like let go of it bc he said it like. not in a judgmental way or nything but. like he was sad he cldnt Help Her w it.. like he wanted 2 fix her n now he wants 2 fix me i think n he cant. n all i want is 2 b w him. idk. does that make sense? idk

[xelere]

tw long rant cus i need to breathe

wow the fight i had with dad that made me depressed af.... i had it now with my white brother and his wife and partly with my mom too

they talked abt having their kids kidnapped would be the worst and i jokingly said ”haha thats me” cus i need to deal with it

and my brother starts to lecture me and then just completely insensitive says ”but werent you abandoned on the streets i dont think china-” oh here we go again

my kind but weak mom goes; ”no actually a police station” as if that was any better??? she has NEVER stood up for me, no one has. maybe she wants to and agrees with me cus shes the smartast in our family but she never had the GUTS to and the same for my other brother they be agreeing or at least UNDERSTANDING and maybe RESPECT me a little but nor enough to ever have mt back those fkn pussies

then we start to fight and i start to cry again cus im so FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY of having a white family and i CANT EVER REST I CANT REST ANYWHERE WHERE IS MY FUCKING SAFE SPACE CAN I BREATHE

and then his wife goes ”but linn.... now im getting angry you cant just accuse him of being subtle racist!!” and shes always quiet an i always thought she was lile smarter than my stupid brother but obviously.... not

and i just give up.... im a fcking minority in my own family. not to get too personal but my little sister would never have the guts to do this cus shes afraid of conflicts. i ALWAYS have to shut the fuck up in family reuinions. and just because i came with trauma, i was an angry and anxious baby, always screaming and thanks to that being labelled as ”problematic and annoying and angry” by everyone who didnt know how to handle me - thanks to that people STILL think they have the right to silence me. im a grown ass woman, im fucking 19 years old and everyone in my family still rolls their eyes at me and goes ”but linn....”

im so fucking tired. im so fucking tired. and i say that. i tell them im tired and that this is why i want to die cus thats exactly why and my brother starts to laugh and like.... accuse me and shit for not ving grateful cus he wants ro defend mom or smth like.... excuse me youre her fucking biolocigal son you have your own fkn mother right here and everyone in this ugly country looks and thinks wxacrly like you

honestly im too tired to write all this shit down cus i could go on for ages in literalky gonna WRITE A FUCKING BIOGRAPHY ONE DAY IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED I GOT NO FUCKING WHERE TO VENT GOD I HATW MY FAMILY I GET IT HAVING AN ASIAN ANTIBLACK CLASSIST HOMOPHPBIC FAMILY WOULD BE BAD TOO BUT LIKE....... at least it would be my family at least they would look like me and not be racist against me?

and what makes me the most sad is that my adoptive family is still better than like 90% the only difference eis that most adoptees dont dare to ”come out” like this, criticizing their own adoption bc ffs we’re terrified of being abandoned. its just....... theyre so fucing dumb. they dont know shit about racism or adoption and like.... thats kinda essential. no one repsects me in this family except for my mom but shes a fucking coward, always in the middle. everyone else talks down on me and i didnt notice like YESTERDAY DURING MY LAST BREAKDOWN THAT WASNT ABT ADOPTION BUT WAS ABT MY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DAD AND HOW I REALIZED HE ALWAYS TREATED ME AND MY SISTER LILE SHIT AND BLAMES MY TRAUMA ON ME SO NOW MY WHOLE FAMILY TREATS MW LIKE A PROBLEMATIC WEIRD KID

i want to leave this family so sad but i dont have any friends cus im too mentally unstable to keep friends and i also have a little sister i need to protest but FOR FUCKSS SAKE TOURE RUCKING 15 AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BISEXUAL IS like im so done with her too, ive proteced her so much, just because i WAS the angry problematic kid i ALWAYS took the fights for thet cus shes a scared rabbit but she never give me a thank you, never says she appreciates it, always throwing me under the bus when dad accuse us of something and i used to accept it cus i know she was too scared of him BUT AGTER ALL THIS TIME AFTER EVERYTHING IVE DONE FOR HER SHES FUCKING 15 SHE KNOWS I HAVE HER BACK IVE BEEN PRTOEVTING HER EVER SINCE THEIR DIVORCE WHEB OUR GROWN ASS ADULT 21+ BROTHERS LEFT US AND I WAS LIKE FUCKING 11 YEARS OLD I PROTECETED HER AND I NEVER GET ANYTHING AND IF I STOP TALKING TO HER SHE WONT EVWR TALK TO ME BECAUSE THATS HOW ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS WORK

i lost all respect for my brother. i knew he was a racist dumbass but like.... he really sig there and laugh and accuse me and guilt trips me when i tell him his dumb ignorant ass is the reason i want o die. this is why i wanna fake my suicide so i can revenge them but i also dont cus then i’d just give in and be one of all those adoptees who commoted suicide and whos gonna fight for them IF NOT ME CUS I ALWAYS DO FKN EVERYTHING. this is also why i low key think i got bpd or smth cus i always want to kill ppl like my family or myself or why not BOTH

cant wait for tomorrow where i have to face everyone and were gonna pretend like NOTHING happened. you know why i came here with my mom and visited??? BECAUSE I WANTED TO TAKE A PAUSE FROM MY DAD AFTER THE SIMILAR SUICIDE THREATENING PANOC ATTACK FIGHT I HAD LIKE YESTERDAY

i just gotta accept tjat my family is totally shit right? i just gotta live through it? this is why i never wanna have kids in sweden. like yeah i’ll probably still be in contact cus im only human, i love my parents and my family ofc.... but like........ I AM NOT TRUSTING THEM. MY REAL FAMILY IS HONESTLY OTHER WOC ONLINE AND OTHER TRANSRACIAL ADOPTEES (the smart oens not the whitewashed ones i try not to blame them but im really fkn tired lf having to protest them and clean up and defend them)

i remember when i was like this every single day....... i DONT WANT IT TO COME BACK IM SO TIRED HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO THREATEN WITH SUICIDE AND SHIT FOR MY FAMILY TO LIEK..... TAKE ME SERIOSULY NO ONE EVER HELPS ME I EVEN GAVE UP ON MY PARENTS I WANTED THEM TO READ ON RACISM BUT THEY REFUSED AT ELAST MY DAD, SO I KNOW I ONLY GO WITH STOP TRIGGERING ME BUT LIEK...... IVE THOUGHT SO MICH FOR MY MOM TO BE QHERE SHW IS TODAY WHOCH IS LIKE THIS COWARD BUT AT LEAST SHE CLMFLRTS ME AFTERWARDS AND IM TOO TIRED TO HAVE TO CONVERT AND EDUCATED MY WHOLE FKN FAMILY WHEN THEY DONT DO SHIT TO LEARN FOR ME

i just gotta smile and wave and pretend to love my brother when he didnt do shit when they divorced, mom got ptsd and i went through AT LEAST A THIRD ABANDONMENT, and he doesnt do shit now all he thinks about is how i accuse him of being racist cus he doesnt understand systems and structures which i blamed it on but tbh he’s the famiöy’s racist he really is hems always been cus hes so fkn stupid he’s joked abt muslims and chinese and black ppl and everything im only pretending its the systematic so my mom doesnt get angry lmao but he.... IS..... not ONLY like all the other white people..... but he IS...... for real

and giys..... i left so much of my anger out in this post cus im too tired and mt phone is gonna die but that vreqkdown i had recently....... i wrote like 50+ posts and theyre SOOOOO LONG and also more wellwritten im just saying to give you a perspektivet of how ISOLATED AND DESPERATE I AM IM DESPERATE BITCHES I HINESTLY THINK IM GONNA DIE IF I KEEP STAYONG HERE I WANT TO ASIA I WANT TO SOMEWEHRE MULTICULTURAL I WANT FRIENDS I AM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM DYING IM DYING AND IF IM DYING IM GONNA BRING DOWN MY WHOLE FAMILY AND EVERY WHITE PERSON AND EVERY NON ADOPTEE WITH ME