#(although Demetri talks everyone into letting him drive later because he's The Brains. Supposedly.)

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

@allvalley100

Prompt: Wildcard

Friendships: Demetri & Miguel & Eli (ft. Sam & Yasmine)

So I saw this week's prompt, and all I could think of was the IASIP episode where they try to sell gas door-to-door XD CW for pretty explicit sexual mentions that were...pretty inevitable, considering the source material XD Also CW for some (lighthearted) sexism, although it's kinda played for comedy/absurdity.

This a 6-parter--600 words total! Takes place in S4 or S5, when the entirety of the OG loser trio are fighting against Cobra Kai.

***

“As the brains of this operation, I think—”

“You’re the brains?” Miguel sounds a little heartbroken. “I thought I was the brains.”

“No, no, you’re the looks!”

“So…I’m not smart?” Miguel looks even more crushed.

“It’s not that!” Demetri gestures frantically, trying to salvage the situation. “You’re the looks, I’m the brains, Eli’s the wildcard.”

“I’m the wildcard?” Eli lights up. “That’s fucking awesome!”

“It’s the iconic formula, right?” Demetri grins. “Can’t fail with it. The Scooby Gang never did!”

“So…by not playing into that dynamic, we’re limiting our potential?” Miguel looks intrigued.

“Exactly. Can’t mess with a classic.”

*

“So Cobra Kai’s plowing us in the ass, right?”

Miguel’s dubious. “Don’t know if I’d put it like that—”

“Their stupid merchandise! Their flashy ads!” Demetri scoffs. “They’re ruining our lives with their synchronized kicks and their rotten ass-plowing hearts! As the brains, I’ve concocted a plan that involves oiling our asses and doing a little plowing of our own.”

His accompanying gestures are met with concern.

“Not gay sex,” he clarifies.

“Oh, good! I was sorta worried.” Eli sounds almost insultingly relieved. “What did you mean?”

“Gentlemen…” Demetri smirks. “We’re going to sell more merch than Cobra Kai.”

*

“We’ll need a bank loan to order and print the merchandise. I’ll spin the proposal to sound sensible, and Miguel’ll sit there looking pretty…and possibly providing sad puppy-dog eyes if needed.”

“This plan sucks.” Eli scowls. “I don’t get to do anything!”

“Untrue!” Demetri retorts. “You’re the wildcard—you sit there looking unhinged. Like you could snap should our proposal be rejected.”

“Like this?”

Although Demetri appreciates Eli’s reluctance to re-awaken The Hawk, a little pout isn’t very wildcard-esque.

“Pretend the bank left Miyagi-Fang a bad Yelp review. You’re plotting revenge.”

Ah. There’s that slasher smile.

“That I can do.”

*

As Miguel presses the gas, his eyes flick between Demetri and Eli.

“What the hell happened?”

“Eli tried showcasing the merch with karate moves, and we kicked our first potential customer in the face. She called the cops.”

Miguel groans.

“Demetri, you said this plan was flawless.”

“Hey! I did exactly what a wildcard would do!” Eli protests.

Miguel sighs. “So Demetri as the brains isn’t working, so I’ll be the brains and Demetri can be the muscle.”

Despite himself, Demetri blushes.

“You…think I could be the muscle?”

“Yes, sure, if it means I make the plans from now on.”

*

“Don’t you see? That’s why the plans weren’t working! We were operating on an incomplete crew!”

Miguel gestures frantically at Sam and Yasmine, whom the boys have doggedly hunted down in Forever 21. When Miguel unexpectedly changed course to the Valley mall, all Demetri and Eli could do was confusedly follow their new leader.

“Sam’s the muscle,” Miguel explains. “I’m the looks, Demetri’s the brains, Hawk’s the wildcard. It’s a full set!”

“You’re going to steal my only shopping buddy?” Yasmine complains. “Moon’s in the Maldives all week!”

“Come along!” Demetri says brightly. “We still need a Token Useless Chick!”

*

Demetri loves being the brains again.

“Sam, once we kidnap Kyler, beat him up until he confesses to some Cobra Kai felony.”

“My pleasure.”

“Miguel, use your puppy-dog eyes and sweet-talk the cops into giving us reward money for turning Kyler in.”

“Will do!”

“Yasmine, continue being useless and complaining about everything.”

“Ugh.”

“Reward money goes toward making merch, and—hey, what’s with the brakes?”

“I CUT THE BRAKES!”

Eli’s shriek fills the car.

“WILDCARD, BITCHES!”

The Sentra’s evacuated in seconds, albeit with much screaming and cursing. But let it never be said Eli Moskowitz doesn’t commit to the bit.