#(also…why I kinda hate it that the church choir has to pay for my uniform. turns out I only have enough money leftover
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My feelings for you are warring hope and doubt fueled by quiet observation and wistful dreams.
#tiger’s musings#it’s like living in a Wait&See and Idiots to ?? fanfic#i am annoyed#I am also patient#but mostly wondering if I’m a fool#…gosh. I just want friendship returned in a way I can understand enough to trust#instead of the constant quiet observations#that I Think are twoway but#…right. he’s finally gonna be back this weekend. yet another Wait&See#I’ve wanted to be his damn friend for so long#okay. concern is nice. but what do I even do with that when it’s felt like all summer was Still us…talking less than he does with others#and I ran out of steam to try and gently and playfully tease him to coax any banter#I mean…there is definitely open and consistant observation. but what I need is communication. otherwise that feels an awful lot like pity#and I Cannot STAND feeling like a pity project#(also…why I kinda hate it that the church choir has to pay for my uniform. turns out I only have enough money leftover#(for getting my shirt tailored. and I’m kinda embarassed if they look at the sizes ordered as well#(or if anyone will judge for wanting the shirt fitting properly vs baggy + too tight)#(if…me wearing something that fits…will have him fleeing Yet Again)#(WHY was he running away from me at all?! even if he stopped that. I don’t understand.)#(there’s So Much I can bob along with IF I know how things are. it’s left to unknowns that makes me capsize with doubt and anxiety spirals#(I can handle quiet days and long distance. rambling hyperfixations. need to vent or need for space. anxious and depressive ‘negativity.’#(…BUT. I have to have that communication to build security. then I’m pretty ride&die#(otherwise…I’m such a mess. and seriously struggle with avoidance to not act clingy#(all while being emotionally impulsive—if I like you my face is damn obvious unless I blunt everything I feel with a blank expression#(…the only reassurance here is that I Think his expressiveness is similar. I swear he noticed me needing to study his reaction#(and lowering his own Blank Expression)#(…mygod I swear we’re pretty similar in this regard with how we show/not show emotion and realizing we need to lower our guards to be read#(but…it’s still so so hard. when what I need is to know talking is Okay)
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