#(also like. arin is substantially less older than me) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cesium-sheep · 2 years

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randomly sad that when matt is 80 I'll still be in my late 60s. I'll have to find someone else that can be trusted to take care of me before my partners die of old age and hard living, since it's best to assume I'll still need it. granted that's probably still well more than 40 years down the line, but I'm still randomly sad about it.

(very strange and kind of silly to be both definitely literally slowly dying Right Now but also sad about the potential of outliving loved ones who are currently still alive.)

edit: maybe it's just because acute episodes are often very lonely, and now I'm starting to come back out of the worst of it but I'm still alone. arin has to focus on herself and matt isn't here. they haven't even gotten to truly start taking care of me yet but I already feel like I have to brace for when they have to stop.

#Zoe's husband is also significantly older than her #maybe we can keep each other company.#(also like. arin is substantially less older than me)#(she'd only be in her early 70s)#(and she'd probably have more time to take care of me after she's retired if she's got her brain under control and her body hasn't given up)#(but she's still likely to die before me if my mcas doesn't force the issue.)#(it feels kind of unfair. I always expected to be the last one standing but right now it doesn't feel fair.)#(I don't want to have to take care of things alone anymore.)#(altho that does also assume I manage to dodge inheriting nana's dimentia which is not a given :/ )#(there's not really a solid familial precedent for me. mom's still in her very early 60s)#(and none of the rest of them were ever anywhere near as long term sick as I have.)#*dementia *have been #(and she also got really sick 25 years later in her life than I did.)

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