#(also I tried doing 10 but I got tired of going back and forth-)

[no-144444]

dangerous media- o.piastri

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pairing: oscar piastri x fem! Skyf1interviewer! reader

summary: things go downhill fast as you fall, and he has to catch you. what makes it worse is what he says after…

part one | part two | part three | part four | part five

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You sat in the media pen, an exhausted look on your face. It had been an awful 36 hour day, you were tired, sick, and you just wanted to crash in your hotel room. But, you couldn’t do that, because you still had interviews left.

Jenson stood beside you, already practically asleep. You’d had 4 flights cancel, and then the next flight got delayed, and so on and so forth. You two were not in the mood for a self-deprecating Lando Norris, nor an arrogant Lance Stroll, or god forbid, an angry Kevin Magnussen.

“Can I take Oscar?” you asked, just wanting a calm and collected person to deal with.

Jenson sighed but nodded. “Then I get first dibs at quali,” he bargained. You agreed.

Oscar came walking out, calm as ever. He was P2 in FP2, not bad considering last year, finishing in 8th. You stood up, but too quickly. Immediately, you knew you’d made a grave mistake, Jenson tried to grab you,but it was much too late, and it all went black.

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You woke up in the med tent with a pounding headache and someone’s hand in yours. “Jen, I’m fine-” you started sitting up, but it was Oscar who pushed you back down, he was holding your hand.

“Don’t get up too fast,” he instructed, making you lie back down. “We don’t want you fainting again.”

“Oscar?” You questioned.

“Hey,” he smiled, happy that you were awake.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“You fainted in the media pen, I brought you here about 30 minutes ago,” he explained. “You’re dehydrated.”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m fine,” you scoffed, trying to get up again. Again, he pushed you back down.

“You’re not. You’ll stay here until you have a clean bill of health,” he said, stricter and more serious than you’d ever seen him. “I have to go do some media, but I’ll be back in a half an hour, and I’ll bring you back to your hotel, yeah?”

You nodded, accepting your fate. “Whatever you say, doc.”

He smiled. “Good. See you then.”

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Usually, you would’ve told him to go fuck himself (you weren’t one to be told what to do), but considering how weak you felt and how little you wanted to go out there and ask more questions, you stayed put.

You thought about him, though. Oscar. After looking it up online, you did find out that your fainting was filmed. You watched in embarrassment as you went to the ground, Jenson yelping. What came next shocked you. Oscar quite literally jumped over the barrier, almost knocking over an entire camera, and ran over to you, cradling your head as he got others to step back and instructed Jenson to go get a medic. Then he turned to the cameras, and actually shouted at them to ‘fuck off’. Oscar Piastri showing emotion in 4K.

What was he, superman? Was he trying to make the dating rumours worse?

Either way, you appreciated the fact that he saved you, and the fact that he turned the cameras away from you too. You were also subject to the online conversations surrounding you and Oscar’s relationship. You rolled your eyes as every second comment was some variation on “oh my god the way he looks at her!!!”

Couldn’t people be friends anymore? Couldn’t people be nice anymore?

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You watched Oscar’s interviews from your laptop, then after 10 minutes from when his interviews ended, he appeared in front of you.

“My knight in shining armour,” you teased.

“You watched the interviews?” He sighed.

“Oh yeah,” you chuckled. Half of the interviews were about what had happened earlier and how Oscar had reacted. Jenson had called him your ‘knight in shining armour’ and now it would be his new nickname. “But seriously, thank you for everything, I’m feeling much better now.”

He nodded. “Anyone would do it.”

You shook your head. “You jumped over a barrier, almost knocked over a camera, made Jenson run, and told about 60 people to fuck off and stop filming me. That’s no small feat. Thank you Oscar.”

He blushed slightly. “You’re welcome.”

“I’d better head to my hotel, thank you again Oscar-”

“Let me drive you,” he offered.

“Oscar, you’ve done enough for me today-” “Please let me-”

“I don’t think it comes into the job of being a knight in shining armour-” “Please let me-” “Oscar seriously, I’m alright-”

“Let me drive you!” He finally raised his voice, speaking over you. “It’s ok to rely on people! You don’t need to be so stubborn!”

You silenced, your ego slightly bruised. “Fine,” you murmured, grabbing your things and getting up.

“Y/n, I didn’t mean it like-”

“I know what you meant,” you gritted out. “I’m letting you drive me, come on.”

He followed behind you, upset about how he’d handled the situation. He just wanted to take care of you. He wanted you to notice how much he cared.

He sat in the driver's seat and looked over at you. You stared straight ahead. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“You don’t need to be sorry Oscar,” you sighed, hiding your face in your hands.

“I do,” he shook his head. “I should be, I’m sorry. I love that you’re stubborn. You’re so smart, and independant and I understand that. I know you can take care of yourself, I just wanted to remind you that you don’t always have to.”

You sighed and took his hand, looking at him. “Thank you for today Oscar, but please just drive me to my hotel.”

He nodded, knowing he wasn’t going to get anything else out of you, and off he went. He walked you up to your hotel room, helped you into bed and promised to pick you up in the morning, and you were much too pissed off and tired to disagree.

He had a lot more than just qualifying on his mind went he went to bed.

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navigation for my blog :) (masterlist)

part one | part two | part three | part four | part five

[j0urneymercies]

what would i do without you?

pairing: idol!mark lee x personal assistant! reader (afab)

genre: fluff??? mutual pining. "co-workers" to lovers.

summary: mark lee works hard, but you, his assistant, works harder... and eventually fell harder. what could possibly go wrong?

word count: 4167

A/N: I'm back writing! I just need to get this out before I can't anymore! hopefully, i could get more of the fics i had in my silly little head. i hope you enjoy! feedbacks & requests are highly appreciated here.

everyone knows that mark works hard. his overlapping schedules, back and forth international flights, photoshoots, brand events, concerts, guest appearances, studio recordings, group practices. you name it, he's experienced a combination of these events in just a day in a span of months. the whole world doesn't know how he does it. how mark is able to keep up with these ridiculous schedules and meetings without burning out. but you do. as his personal assistant you tried your best to keep up with his incessant schedule, to always brief him of his daily tasks and engagements, be it with his work or personal matters, you always try to stay on top of the list. trailing along with him and his manager all through out the day. dealing with menial tasks like picking up coffee after his 1pm lunch, preparing his travel documents before he leaves the country for another international brand event, preparing the studio before he gets there so he can record the songs he's been writing. don't get it wrong - mark is not a diva. he doesn't request all of these things to be prepared, but you thought that since he has a lot going on, you'd rather have these "tasks" done so he can focus on what's important. today is no different than any other day, you were trailing behind mark and his manager when you were giving him a rundown of the things he needs to get done today, with a clipboard in hand and a pencil at the other.

"so priority 1, today at 10:30 am, you need to head on over to the mixing studio, I one of the producers needs to re-record a specific part of your song. i blocked out your 12 - 1pm for your lunch, but you need to head back right away to the conference room with the dreamies to finalize the line up for the upcoming music festival, I'll have your afternoon coffee by then, so don't worry. they also want to practice right away, but I know you have your family dinner at around 7pm, so I already scheduled that with the restaurant, I also had those flowers sent to your mom today. you have a big day tomorrow with that brand photoshoot at 7am, so we'll pick you up tomorrow at around 5:45 so your ass can be in that makeup chair before 6:30 am."

it felt like you were spitting a verse with the laundry list of mark's tasks.

"and my day barely began. it's barely 10 am." mark just sighed as he looked at his phone to check the time. "9:54, I just got back from a music show recording. you think I could get some sleep in the studio? there's a couch there i think." he looked at you with a smile but his eyes says he's extremely tired.

"you could, but the studio is still not set up. don't worry, i'll get it prepared, you can get 30 mins to yourself." you make a note in your clipboard to pick up his recording essentials.

"thanks y/n. i can't do all these things without you." mark tapped your shoulder as he dragged himself to the recording studio. thank goodness he turned back right away before he can see the blush creeping up your face. he never failed to express his gratitude to you even if it's literally in your job description to be available in his every beck and call. to say that he was nice was an understatement, it feels like it's just in his nature to be good. even after reciting his crazy schedule, where he could have thrown a fit, he still manages to say "thank you, y/n" everytime. you wonder, maybe it's how he's raised. how his parents reminded him to be humble and always give thanks - he lived those words like it was his lifeline.

your thoughts were interupted by a sudden ping from your smartwatch, a text from mark's manager to get them water and snacks back to the studio, he needed to leave for another meeting. you were already on your way back, a tinge of annoyance visible on your face but you know he means well. after all, you've learned a lot from him and how he manages the group - hiring an personal assistant just for mark would make his job a lot easier, especially with his schedules. you gently knocked on the studio door and immediately saw mark curled up on the love seat, with his mouth slightly agape, the blanket around his frame sliding down. you'd have to agree that he looks too cute at this moment, it took everything from you to snap a picture of him sleeping. "be professional" you thought to yourself. however, you find yourself adjusting the blanket around his body to cover mark better. "is this still professional?" your heart was definitely racing at this point, if mark wasn't knocked out, he'd definitely hear how your heart is practically bolting out of your ribcage. Once done, you immediately jumped to exit the studio and sat down on one of the waiting chairs in the hallway, still clutching your heart, you wanted to rid yourself of the thoughts you had when you were so close to mark. you immediately opened your laptop and worked on your emails just so you could distract yourself from what just happened.

before you know it, the producer & sound engineers were already on their way to meet up with mark. 5 minutes to spare, so you gently opened the door and tapped mark's shoulder gently to wake him up.

"they're on their way in 5 minutes. drink up." you handed him a bottle of water, his hands gently grazing yours. you could feel your cheeks heating up again. "be calm, he barely touched your hand" you had to mentally recite that in your brain to keep yourself grounded.

"it's barely 30 minutes. are you sure i can't snooze for another 10 minutes?" he looked up to you with those puppy eyes as if you could do anything to stop time. hell, if you could, you would have, just for him.

"if it was for me, i'd give you my extra hours just so you could rest, but you had all these commitments lined up. the sooner we get them started, the faster we'd get them done, champ."

"you're as busy as i am." mark sighed as he gulps down the water you handed to him. "y/n, i can't thank you enough for keeping up with me" he grabbed your shoulder like he wanted to pull you in for a hug, but stopped midway when he realized what he was about to do. you looked at him, shocked at the sudden skinship. "oh sorry" he immediately slinked his arm fast and looked away. as if on cue, the producer opened the studio doors and walked straight to mark, giving him a dap and a hug all at once. you stood up and shook his hand with a bow as a sign of respect. mark immediately went straight to business mode and discussed with the producer about the changes to his song. he walked straight to the recording booth and you could hear him say to the mic "the sooner we get this started, the faster we'd get it done" he said while he sport a beaming smile. you just shook your head and smiled as you opened your laptop to continue to do some work.

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it honestly felt like the day couldn't get any longer. mark's recording session dragged an additional 15 minutes. you kept motioning at your watch to speed things up but mark barely catches the hint especially when he's in the zone. you just sighed and slumped on the couch in defeat. that's 15 minutes away from his lunch time and yours. on top of that, you still need to pick up his 1pm coffee and get him to his meeting with the dreamies. eventually, mark came out of the booth and shook hands with the sound engineer & producer. he looked at you with a sheepish green and scratched the back of his head. "sorry, y/n. i really wanted to get it done today." you got out of the studio and mark followed suit. "it's fine, mark. i just don't want us to run behind schedule. you still have i don't know less than 45 minutes for lunch and then there's the line up meeting. I'll get you your coffee once you're in the conference room. go get lunch now, if you need me, i'll be at the cafeteria, just shoot me a text, okay?" you gave him a thumbs up as if you were waiting for him to return the gesture.

"wait, i'm eating alone?" mark was now sulky, the idea of eating lunch by himself never really sat right with him, of course there were times that he did, but those are rare. he usually ate with his manager or his members for lunch, like it was his way decompressing after a stressful day. you just sighed and pressed the elevator button, "you want to tag along? are you even okay with eating regular degular cafeteria food?"

"uhmmm yeah, i am. all i ate was cafeteria food when i was a trainee. that and my mom prepared my lunch." his smug smile was visible, like he just won an argument.

"alright mister working class. just keep it quick, we don't want to be late for your meeting."

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you never knew lunch with mark was enjoyable. there were rare occassions where you sat down and ate with him and the whole team but that was just after concerts, usually as a thank you to the whole production team. it was like talking to a friend, the whole mood was light and enjoyable. lame jokes and stories were exchanged, he was completely relatable. before you know it, your smart watched pinged again with a reminder to get mark in the conference room soon. you frowned a bit knowing that you could never get moments like this with him. like he's not some big kpop idol with dragging schedules.

"alright champ, let's get you in that conference room in 5 minutes. i'll be back with your coffee after that."

that was your nickname for him. champ. when you're not calling him by his name, you'd usally refer to him as the silly nickname you gave him. just because he's being a complete champion in your eyes for braving his demanding schedule and after achieving so much in such a young age. "it's obviously an appropriate nickname" you thought to yourself and besides he doesn't mind. if anything, it gives him the boost of confidence to take on his tasks.

"it's the 10th floor, conference room 1003 just a few doors away from the elevator on the right. i'll go get your coffee. hurry there now." you pressed the elevator and it immediately opened right infront of you and mark. he walked inside the elevator and pouted when he saw you on the other side, "you'll be there right? i kinda need you there." you can feel the butterflies in your stomach rioting. how could he say that when he looks to you with pleading eyes like he wanted to grab you to get inside the elevator. "i'll be there, promise" you manage to beam out a smile at him as the elevator door close between you and mark.

you didn't know if you were just delusional or was mark hinting something more than what he meant? of course he needed you there, after all you are his assistant. why else would he want you to be there? sure, you had your silly little crush for mark, he is the mark lee after all. but after working in such close proximity with him, you learned more and more about him. how you admired his work ethic, how dedicated he is to his passion, how he remained humble and level headed despite his fame and success, he barely complained about his schedule, he even talked you out of mentioning it to the top brass in the company in fears that you might get in trouble because of him - so thoughtful. You remembered the time where he sent you flowers and a new bag for your birthday - you never really asked for it, you barely had plans for your birthday and you just casually mentioned it one time when he asked, but you never really thought anything of it. so he's also generous and attentive.

"y/n, happy birthday. i hope you like it. thanks for everything. what would i do without you? :) always, mark."

that was written on the card attached to the birthday flowers he sent you. you melted right then and there. if he wasn't who he is, you'd definitely act upon these signals. but you had to brush it aside, he probably does this for every employee he wants to thank. you'd know because you're usually the one arranging the flowers and gifts on his behalf. keeping things professional, you obviously had to shove your feelings away. this is just mark being mark. he's an amazing guy, of course he'll do these amazing things just because. it's not like he'll reciprocate your feelings, you're a co-worker for god's sake, a personal assistant at that.

before you know it, you're standing infront of room 1003, mark's iced coffee in one hand and your clip board in the other. You gently pushed the door and made a beeline towards him and handed the beverage, careful not to interrupt the speaker while he explains the motif of the festival. you sat on the sidelines as you try to keep up with the meeting, making sure you catch the missed details while you were out on your coffee run. mark looked from his shoulders at you and saw you hunching over your laptop, brows knitted together while you take notes. a small smile forming on his lips as he noticed how cute you looked when you're focused, how your lips mouth the last sentence the speaker as you type down the words. clearly, his thoughts were not in the meeting. his head keeps on replaying the gestures you’d done over the years. he’s been always an observant, a silent one at least. he’d notice the way you fidget with your fingers whenever you’re nervous, like when the first time the two of you were formally introduced, you were shy and hid behind his manager for most of the time during your early days but then eventually eased up as the days go by. he remembered the day you walked up to the management office and demanded that they give him a more lenient schedule only for you to be scolded back by your seniors - where he saw you tear up and choke a sob, immediately apologizing to him and he swore he could have hugged you right then and there. Another moment where he saw you cry was right before he went on stage for his first solo album debut showcase - you were crying on the wings of the theater while he performs, obviously proud on how far he’d become. he glanced at you a bit and his expression softened for a short while, but you just assured him with two thumbs up and a smile. he had to come to terms with the fact that he did care for you more than a co-worker. he always looked forward for the cute reminders and the silly sticky notes you'd leave on top of his laptop, he kept those by the way. his day immediately brightens up once he knows that you will be tagging along his engagements, even 12 hour flights don’t seem too bad if he knows that you’ll be there. like he was looking for you wherever you go. when you cannot tag along for his engagements in australia, that really bummed him because you were so excited on his behalf and also the fact that you wanted to see a koala in real life - so when he came back, mark got you a souvenir plush keychain of a koala, which is now hanging on your bag at all times. he was never this invested in his previous assistants - but then again, he feels like you’re more than that.

”and that’s it. anymore questions? if not, i’ll send the important details to your managers. let’s close the meeting.” the speaker immediately left the conference room for yet another meeting. you said your hellos and made a quick bow to everyone, even the other dreamies were apologetic for hurrying out for their other engagements, you and mark were almost alone in the conference room, other employees minding their own business or hurrying off to another part of the building.

”oh hey, so you have another thing in like 15 minutes.” you hurriedly looked at your smartwatch to get a glimpse of mark’s demanding schedule. “15 minutes to spare, do you want me to get you some snacks or tea?” you looked at him and he just stared back at you like you were some puzzle he wants to solve. “mark?” he blinked, a couple of times before realizing that he did stare quite longer than expected. “oh no, uhmm tha-that’s okay. i’ll just catch up with the other guys. i’ll meet you on the practice room, yeah?” it was his turn to get all nervous and flustered. he haphazardly gathered his things and went straight out of the conference room and you just stood there utterly confused on what just happened.

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you had texted mark to head on down the practice room now that you returned to your desk in the office. you could hang out in the practice rooms but with things being weird with mark, you thought that maybe a little distance will calm your senses down. not long after you sent out your text, mark replied

“are you not going to watch me practice” -mk

and you can’t deny it, your heart swelled. did he really wanted you there? where he can dance and suave his way into your heart further? it was honestly tempting but you had to stand on your ground. besides, these practices tend to run a lot longer than their intended time, you liked mark, but you also had a long day.

“ohh tempting, but i am really swamped with work, i need to get this done soon. next time tho 😉” -yn

a winky face? now you are treading dangerous waters. flirty banter with mark is probably one of your favorite things, you’ve always known that it was just nothing but pure silliness, but somehow, today feels different. no point deleting this message now, like you threw out a grenade and prayed that it doesn’t blow up in your face.

“i’d be more energized if i see you watching me. c’mon now it’s almost 6, just drop by?” -mk

“fine, i’ll just finish up this last email.” -yn

“alright then, see ya 😚” -mk

a kissy face? oh now it’s going to be really awkward or maybe it’s just the two of you being playful. no harm, no foul. just keeping things light and easy. your heart raced as you quickly pack your bags, do you really want to see him during practice after the series of texts you just exchanged? but you have to keep your word, you’ll be there, 5 minutes and then it’s time to go. you opened the practice room doors and you so mark dancing to one of his songs. he was glistening, his shirt clung to his body as he moved, his hair tousled with sweat - even in this situation he looked so god damned good. he saw you standing by the door and he gave you a quick smile and a wink and went back to serious mode as he faced the floor length mirror. You could hyperventilate then and there, but all you did was shift your legs and steady yourself, you obviously caught him wink at you, it wasn’t some sort of optical illusion. finally, the music stoped and the choreographer cued everyone to take five. Mark skipped towards your direction and you handed him a towel to wipe himself off, he was smiling from ear to ear.

“well you were amazing, no doubt about that.” you clapped your hands and smiled at mark. “just don’t forget to shower before you meet with your family, okay? that’s 7pm.” you went back to assistant mode, reminding him of his personal engagement.

“yeah, about that. i think i’m gonna bail on practice for today”

“WHAT?”

Before you know it, Mark walked over to the choreographer and whispered something in his ear, he immediately bolted towards you and grabbed your hand to the exit before you can say anything. The two of you immediately reached the elevator and he impatiently pressed the button. trying your best to catch your breath, you looked at mark like he was crazy, maybe he is, because he’s just smiling at you as he catches his breath.

“What the— what the hell, mark?” you said in between breaths, hands, grabbing your knees in exhaustion. “What’s going on?” Before you know it, mark dragged you inside the elevator and looked at you with the same smile and twinkle in his eyes. He’s not saying anything, just jagged breaths from the sprinting that you just did. When the elevator doors open, you realized that you’re in the basement parking lot, completely confused you hesitantly backed away from him, mark just gestured for you to follow him.

“mark, what’s going on?” you asked, with worry in your voice, your fingers fidgeting while you speak. mark saw this and immediately grabbed your hands and linked with his. your face still spells confusion but you immediately relaxed once he held your hands, pulling you closer to him and almost closing the distance between you.

“i’m tired of running away, y/n” his features soften as he scans your face “i feel like i can’t keep it in me anymore. i need to tell you or else i’m going to explode” his voice, softer that ever, like he was whispering a prayer.

“mark— i—“ the words just can’t get out of your system, like your body was going haywire all at once. you’re way too close to mark that you can smell him, his musk and cologne mixing just right to make you melt right then and there. his face way too close to yours and you paused on his lips before going straight back to his eyes.

“i like you.” he said it out low and sincere, that you barely heard it right when he said it. “i can’t get you out of my mind, y/n. every dream, every waking moment, you were there and i know it’s a longs hot and probably a complicated set of events but i just can’t get you out of my system.” mark’s confession shocked you, like you were hearing him talk in a foreign language.

“i like you too. i can’t help to feel butterflies whenever we’re alone, how my heart aches whenever i see you tired and stressed, how my heart flutters whenever i see you perform on stage.” you scrambled your brain for all the things you want to say to mark “how i felt seen and understood whenever we talk, how easy it is to confide to you whenever. mark, i think it’s safe to say that i love you.” the last part was almost a wisp. mark smiled and grabbed your face gently as he closes the gap between you with a soft lingering kiss. your foreheads touched as the two of you giggled at the sudden confession also after realizing where you were, this is probably the only place the two of you could get some privacy in the whole building.

“so you love me, huh?” mark teased as he walked over to his car, opening the passenger door so you can get in.

“shut up!!! but i do.” you can feel the adrenaline fading back as it is being replaced by embarrassment.

“i love you too so it’s a tie” mark leaned over to steal another kiss from you and he chuckled as he saw your blushing face. you buried your face in your hands as mark drives his car out of the basement parking lot. you heard a ping from your smartwatch which made you look up from your initial position

“mark! the family dinner at 7, you’ll be late.” you reminded him with worry in your eyes.

“don’t worry, babe, we’ll make it in time.” your eyes widened upon hearing what he just said, he just smiled and kissed your cheeks as he continued to drive away.

[after-the-end-times]

Steve and Eddie, BOGO sale

For @steddieholidaydrabbles Prompt: Snowfall 🌨️ Rating: G Words: 760 🌨️ cw: none 🌨️ Tags: driving in a snow storm, Black Friday, love confessions

Based on the true driving events of our Black Friday adventure this year...except we were in a van that did not make it up the hill and we had to manually turn the van around to head home. I think Steve and Eddie got the better adventure here

“Was it supposed to snow?” Eddie asks, as the headlights light up the snow flying at them like they’re on the Enterprise, flying through space.

“No. No, it was not. There was a spot of snow over night, but they said it’d be clear after 4am.” Steve gritted out, holding the car steady in the snow ruts of the car far ahead of them. “Figured we’d have some snow dusting, but that leaving at 5:30 would be fine.”

“We’ve driven through bad snow before for Black Friday. Remember two years ago? That was a wet snow. We don’t need to be at the front of the line or anything, we’ll be fine. Slow and steady and all that.” Eddie tries to sound steady even though the snow coming down is pretty heavy and sticking to the ground. He knows snow and this is snow. He’s really trying very hard to stay calm for Steve.

“Do you have our lists?” Steve asks.

“Yep, with stars by the more important items. We have scarves and gloves if there is still a line- ah!”

Eddie’s list of preparations is cut off as the car starts fishtailing up a hill and then slows to a stop as the tires start spinning with no forward motion.

“Umm?!” Eddie’s kind of freaking out a little more. What if they get stuck here? What if no one stops? What if they freeze right here in the middle of the highway?!

But Steve’s still pressing the gas and the car has started wiggling its way up the hill slowly, the car’s back end swerving back and forth.

“Just need to make it to the top. This is the only hill and we’ll be fine back on flat land. And then it’s only 10 minutes til the store. Maybe 20 with the snow.” And, of course, Steve’s trying to comfort him while he deftly controls the car in this ridiculous snow storm that wasn’t supposed to be. Eddie loves him so much.

The car crests the top with one last wiggle and they’re back in the safety of dark wheel grooves, even though their driving buddy has long gotten away.

“See? And by the time we come back the salt trucks and sun will have this clear.”

Steve’s so steady. And he loves him so much. He can’t not say something.

“I’m so in love with you.”

And even though Steve’s body twitches hard at that, he keeps the car steady in the grooves.

“Oh.” he says, voice tenser now than when they were actively spinning out. “Like, friend love or- well, I mean it’s fine if it’s like a friend. I love having friends! And you’re the best-”

“Steve. Not like a friend.”

“Oh.” Steve breaths out. “Good. Good, that’s...good. Cause I’m also in love with you. And not like a friend.”

Steve chances it to send Eddie a full blown grin, eyes scrunching up.

Eddie loves that smile. He lets out a giggle he’s never heard come from himself before; he’s just so so happy.

“Good. Good, that’s-” he huffs out a self deprecating laugh. “Wow, it’s hard not getting caught on that. But it really is. Good, that is. Sorry, I’m just so happy. Which is really confusing after being so nervous and kind of scared about the snow for the last 45 minutes. My body’s going through a lot right now.”

“Oh yeah, I get that. Though- no, nevermind. Look! The mall!”

"Steve? What were you going to say? Are you ok?” And wow, Eddie’s cardiac system is getting a workout this morning.

“It’s just-” Steve groans out a laugh as he pulls into the parking lot. “I just know I’m gonna be the one on sale when we tell the rest about this and they start with the jokes about you going out Black Friday shopping and coming back with a boyfriend.”

Eddie loves that Steve’s already thinking that far ahead. They haven’t even gotten out of the car yet and Steve already has them as boyfriends telling and getting ribbed by their friends. Well, he can at least save Steve from being the butt of something that’s not a joke.

“Don’t worry, Steve. I know exactly what to do!”

-

When Steve and Eddie finally get back later that day, car full of bags ready to be smuggled past the pile of kids in the living room, Eddie bursts through the front door holding a sign he pilfered from the front of a store’s display.

“Guess who’s Buy One Get One now!”

~fin~

[pumpkinsy0]

can you pls write some hcs about curly and johnny fighting over pony’s attention and being jealous when pony favors one over the other

of course!!

•unlike the others when it comes to johnny hes more reserved on what he actually thinks about curly, if u asks johnny how he feels hes not rlly gonna say his actual feelings, if pony asks how he feels anout curly, he just goes “if he makes u happy thats fine w me” he’d say as hes NOT looking at pony

•but like hes ponys bff brah, if pony likes em, shit maybe theres something the gang aint seein that pony does, but hes not 100% on board w it

•maybe their beef started bc pony would hang out w one of em for a longish time, then drop them for a bit and hang out w the other, and it was a cycle and theyre SO tired and think its the others fault or somethin

•ANYWAYS I KNOWWWW they talk shit about each other in their different language, and pony always hears but they dont say wtf the said in english, for ponys peace of mind he assumes its something good

•when ponys going back to hang out w the other, ponys wearing or at least has SOMETHING from the other one, and they do this as a stupid tactic to get in the others head thats like “pony was hanging out w me, cry about it lol”

•ITS NOT EVEN THAT PONY FAVORS ONE OVER ANOTHER, he just prefers the other over in certain situations bc he thinks theyre better at handling it

•like w socs, pony would rather curly, not that johnny cant fight, but bc curly has better fighting skills and can fight 2 ppl at one believe it or not and he just happens to b around curly when theres trouble around most of the time, then, would rather johnny when hes feeling emotional bc johnnys just better equipped at dealing w emotions and he also just so happens to get more into his emotions when johnnys around, so on and so forth

• the real problem is they just genuinely dont see that all so much and think theyre the problem, like theyre lacking in that department or somethin, but nah, rlly just a matter of circumstance

•when curlys over at a gang hang out, sometimes johnny catches him staring at pony and so he somehow gets pony to stick with him and they both go over to dallas, extra measure so curly thinks twice on heading over to em

•johnny absolutely felt a type of way when he found out pony and curly got matching scars from that fuck ass chicken game, bc not even HIM and pony have matching scars and they r basically inseparable, what kinda bc is that, he knows its stupid but still

• when johnny and pony go to the drive in, curly sometimes pops up, and johnny and curly arent even watching the movie, pony wants snacks and they both r like “I’LLL get it pony dw” and they both get pony snacks just shaking their head bc they think they have snacks pony would like more than the others choices

•curly put his arm around pony and johnny gave that lil side eye that dogs do

•this is like the only time ponys not stopping them, hes getting free snacks, ofc hes letting them continue

•i swear they NEVER actually talk to each other, like sat down and have a convo, they just have a petty competition, at best theyve said like 10 total words to each other at some point

•ponys actually not clueless when it comes to their beef w each other, he knows how awkward and tense it us when all 3 of em r in a room together, he doesnt exactly do much to stop it cause he doesnt get HOW whats going on between them is happening, but he tries not to let it escalate

[onlythebravest]

small ranking of hockey worlds games I’ve attended so far (to be continued)

🇸🇪 – 🇸🇰: 6/10

the first game, I was very nervous and anxious heading into it bc I didn’t really know what to expect. great seats view-wise, we were however surrounded by Slovaks, or at least Slovakia cheering ppl (we’re always seated around the opposing team’s fans, it’s a reoccurring theme but we’ll get there). since it was opening day it started with an opening ceremony and then a tribute concert to Avicii (awful terrible experience, if I had needed a reminder why I don’t do concerts I got one, sadly I didn’t need the reminder. I spent 30 minutes covering my ears and feeling sorry for myself). then the game started, good game. gula väggen (the Swedish supporter section) had a drum they were beating all the time that drove me insane, it was so annoying, I kept wishing their arms would get tired but then they started alternating drummer. also the speakers in the arena were so loud it was unbearable, my ears hurt. I spent the majority of the time covering my ears. Sweden won with 5-0 in the end and I did have a good time.

(sadly we missed then finland austria game before this one which we had tickets to, but due to unexpected dog and family drama that has to be taken care of we got going way too late, I felt so bad about it. esp after seeing the photos of all the empty seats)

🇸🇪–🇫🇮: 9/10

this time I was sat in the Swedish supporter section (with that awful drum). I had however brought my big headphones with me, so while I felt a bit stupid wearing them it helped a lot. the arena probably also had gotten complaints about the volume of the speakers bc the overall volume was lower, which helped a lot. the drum was still annoying, however I also felt it in my feet which somehow helped? amazing even if weird. great seats view-wise again. there were however some loud Finns two rows back and somewhat further into our supporter section. very annoying, but otherwise surrounded by Swedes so that was a new experience, I’ve never attended a hockey game where most of the ppl around me cheered for the same team as me. the game itself was amazing, as it always is when Sweden and Finland play each other. I couldn’t figure out all the chants and songs they tried to get the section to do, so I spent most of the time clapping and doing the very few I knew. it was overall a great time, and we won with 2-1. and seeing the swedish players line up in front of the section after the national anthem was amazing, loved that

🇸🇪–🇱🇻: 9/10

was once again in the supporter section, headphones in hand, this time in the middle of the section. middle-middle, couldn’t get more middle, and guess what? there were a few Latvia supporters on the row on the other side of the stairs. and let me tell you, they are loud, like loud loud. this one person in particular, she however appeared to have been in the wrong spot bc after the first period she never showed up again (thankfully!) we were on the edge of the row this time, which meant getting up to let people pass all the time, and there were a few men who I think was there for the beer rather than the game with all the back and forth they did. anyway. we were sat just behind the goal, enough rows up to see the entire ice. speaker volume still on a manageable level (thank you) and once again feeling the Swedish drum in my feet made that part bearable. however latvia’s fans brought their own drums, and when I say drums I mean there were so many drums and even though they were across the arena they were so loud. we had amazing view of four of the goals sweden scored, seeing as we were just above the goal. and there in the middle of the supporter section it was somewhat easier to figure out the chants (still was mostly clapping though) and it was just a great time. the national anthem in the middle of that was also just amazing, such a cool experience. and seeing the players go up to the section again. and we won with 6-0

next up is canada, and we’re not in the supporter section this time. so i guess we’ll be surrounded by Canadians then, yay…..

either way, now that I’m thinking about it a little I think this has helped me bring me out of my spring depression, at least slightly. I’m not as down anymore, so that’s good. and I’m looking forward to every next game, which is a good sign too

[captawesomesauce]

Thoughts at 11am ...

Yesterday was a good day :)

We woke up and had a pretty chill day for the most part, I watched the Darlington race off and on, we putzed around the house, but I was itching to go out, to go to the water, to do SOMETHING not at home.

Would you believe that we didn't actually leave the house till 4?

That's the thing I hate about winter. Because of how low the sun is in the sky, we basically have to leave by like 2 or 3 wherever we're at or it's a bitch of a drive. So from around Oct to mid March, it's a big time pain in the ass to get going early, and come home early.

But now, we have a full day, and then still have time to go out!!!!

The Indy race is in town so most of the areas we want to go to are not accessible, like the Aquarium and stuff. Too many people, too many road blocks. Best to avoid that area. We tried it the other day to go see Lou and Theo but NOPE... not happening.

So we drove down ocean, popped into Junipero and that was a big NOPE. Lot was totally full!

But you know what makes no sense??? Where... did ... these... people... come from?!?!?!?!? Fall and Winter... you can go on a Saturday or Sunday and it's totally empty... same temp, same weather, 68 vs 73 is NOT a big fucking change man... so... why is the beach so empty... but come april through summer??? Full. Where do these people go? Why do they go??? What is the population dynamic in play here?!?!?! Makes no sense!

But since Junipero was full, we just drove along and found a beach area that was pretty empty. Parked, put on water shoes because BEACHES ARE DANGEROUS! So much wood debris, sand fleas, and more that people get hurt on all day, every day! And then we watched the kite surfers for a bit and walked toward the jetty where the beach was pretty much EMPTY. We had it pretty much all to ourselves!

We walked along the waters edge, collected a few really pretty shells, laughed at the pipers, enjoyed watching the seagulls, looked at all of the pretty houses, and let the water come up and cool us down as we walked.

We did about 3 and a half miles round trip which was awesome!

W wasn't sure I could make that walk... hell .. **I** wasn't sure I could make that walk! LOL but that was my goal. I wanted to reach the rocks and it was a lot harder going than heading back for some reason. At one point the rocks looked SO SO far away, but I pushed through and did it and then Oh boy... we had to come back lol.

My back is flared to high heaven from it, walking in sand, even the hard packed waters edge sand, ain't easy! I also have a bad blister on the inside of my left foot but I took care of it and it's fine.

Tomorrow or the next day we'll go out again, I'm thinking either Park or Beach or maybe walk around the gardens near us.

Oh, I should add - I wore W out. lol Poor thing crashed HARD as we were packing up to go home. Like... total brain collapse lol.

I'm wearing my sunglasses, there's a pair on the lip of the trunk, and she is searching for hers. It took a long round robin back and forth to explain THOSE ARE HERS.... so she's holding them... in her hand now... and she is once again looking for her sunglasses... the ones... in her hand...

We got home around 7 or so, and she basically slept until her bedtime alarm at 10 went off... she was SOOO tired. She would have slept until 6am if not for meds and stuff. lol

Poor thing.

[f0point5]

Feel free to ignore this, but I was reading your older work of Max and Emillia (the few Jos Verstappen related chapter) and was stuck with some thoughts I needed to vomit out.

I have seen so many people hate on Jos Verstappen and say how Max should cut him off, and that Max would be better off without him, that he is nothing but a abusive narcissist and cannot help but think how simplistic that line of thought is. Don't get me wrong Jos is totally a horrible person and father, but that does not mean he is not one of the reasons that Max has achieved so much success and has the competitive mindset.

Now I am not in favour of abuse, in fact I relate to Max and Jos relationship alot as it is quite similar to the one I have with my parents. Asian Tiger parents (most of the stereotypes are true in my case) but they broke their backs providing for me. Any want or comfort of mine was above their need. They were hard on me, too hard alot of times but without it my siblings and I won't have achieved whatever we had.

I hate my parents for the number of time they made me stay awake till late at night, until I got a math concept down and then woke me up early to revise it but at the same time I remember that they too were awake with me, sitting beside my table (occasionally smacking the back of my head or making sharp comments), but they were awake despite having come from 10 hours of work and being dead tired. I also can't ignore that the fact such childhood was what made it possible to be able to give my last semester exams with 102 fever, in-between blood transfusions and constant saline drips and still score good.

So I understand how complicated relationship between Max and Jos could be and how you could be resentful but grateful at the same time. I would never be such a parents to

I truly believe people who take the line of “Jos should be burnt at the stake” were not in competitive environments as a child. Parents pour their hearts, souls, and money into their children’s passion, so yeah they get too involved and too personal and often too pushy. At a high level, more often than not they are too pushy. Because if your child comes to you and says they want something that only 0.00001% of people ever get (whether that’s an F1 seat, an Olympic medal, or a career in the arts) you are going to have to want it as much as they do in order for them to get there. Some days you will have to want it more than they do, because at 11 a kid isn’t going to want to be in a go kart every weekend. But at 20 they will be glad you made sure they were. So there’s that to start.

Similarly, like you said, for every moment you were up at 10pm wanting to sleep, so were they. For every time Max was driving a kart around in the rain, Jos was standing by the braking point coaching him. Jos drive back and forth from Italy in a van every weekend. Jos poured millions of his own money into his child. He gave up time with his daughter to be there for Max. He sacrificed his career for Max’s. Anyone can debate whether that was the right thing to do, but no one can argue that it is a small thing. And if Jos had done less than that, Max wouldn’t be where he is.

It’s a straight lie to say Max would be where he is without Jos, and people might feel better thinking it’s “in spite of him not because of him” because that’s easier to have the “moral high ground” if you look at it that way. People like a black and white story.

To me, it’s obvious that Jos absolutely adores Max and he tried to be the best father he could. Was he the perfect father? No. Was he even a good one? I guess that’s debatable. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his son. People like to think that loving someone means the rest of your relationship is going to be healthy, or hold up against the scrutiny of people who think they know better and that’s not the case. Love doesn’t fix anything. The same way being a parent doesn’t turn you into a person different than who you are.

Idk, as someone who had a dad who lived vicariously through me for a lot of his life, and wasn’t always kind, or even halfway decent, I can say that as an adult he is still the person I would trust most in the world in a crisis. He may not have gone about being a dad the right way because he didn’t have the emotional tools, there is no one in this earth who wants the best for me more than him. And as an adult, that’s actually the important part, because I’ve learnt to take on board what I need for him and leave the rest out. And I presume that’s at least partially where Max is with it. I do have a lot of resentment towards my dad, it’ll never feel good to look back and remember how much all those situations hurt as a child. But at the same time I’m happy with who I am, and I wouldn’t be the same person if my life had been different so…how much of that would I change? It’s not a straightforward answer.

At the end of the day, the only person Jos needs to square the past with is his kids, and he seems to have close relationships with them. His adult children seem to find value in having him in their lives and Max in particular feels he has a lot to thank his dad for, so idk why people think they know the situation better than the person who lived it. It’s wild to me how comfortable people are saying Max needs to cut off his dad when that’s so obviously not how he feels, as far as we know.

[helly-watermelonsmellinfellon]

Is this a safe space? I got some whining to do.

Not just about the landlady and about how we're gonna be homeless again in a month. No, I got a bone to pick with Dave and I need to vent.

So... how did he fuck up this time, many of you may wonder?

1.) Christmas.

Dave didn't want a turkey or any of the usual Christmas dinner stuff we have. It's literally only the 2nd day a year where we have any of that shit, but he whined about not wanting to do extra work like at Thanksgiving... where he did no work at all. I literally sat in the kitchen with mom for hours. It was hot af, and tiring. In the end, he had to wash a couple plates but that was it. I'm the one who had to go back and forth fetching things, washing and re-washing pots and pans so mom could use them for something new, and stirring shit cuz she couldn't move.

He demanded seafood and stuffed shells for Christmas. Mom told him that shit would be too expensive for people like us. Besides, she would get paid on Dec 22nd, which meant it would be too late to get anything like that as shit would be cleared out. He had the money to get the stuff he wanted early, but decided Food Stamps should pay for most of it first and waited until Christmas Eve. Well, guess what?! Money finally comes in, he waits around, and when he finally goes shopping... there's barely anything left.

He had to buy frozen stuffed shells which were a bit cheaper than making them homemade, but they ended up being disgusting and no one liked the filling which tasted rancid af. So, he left them on the counter for like 10 hours and never touched them. Then bitched cuz no one, not even him, ate them and they sat out all night and had to be thrown out. He managed to get some kind of mini shrimp platter which was basically 28-30 small shrimp around a small container of cocktail sauce. Finally, he had to spend his own actually money to go to some small seafood shop somewhere and get some clams which were expensive as well. We each got like 6 of the world's smallest ass clams ever.

Basically, there was nothing of actual substance for dinner and we all ate mom's pasta salad which was gone in a single sitting.

Then, he wanted pumpkin pie, lemon meringue pie, and some other pie. Mom told him she wasn't making him jack shit cuz he's the only one who likes pumpkin pie in this house, and she made him one just for him at Thanksgiving... and his ass never ate any of it. In fact, he claimed it made him sick(which was him hiding the fact that he'd gotten himself fast food earlier that day, when he knows grease and oil on french fries make him sick). Bethy narked on him wasting money on Thanksgiving Day when we were already making dinner, and he stuck to his claims and ended up leaving that pie to sit in the fridge on the top shelf and never touched it. He got himself fast food a couple days later and... got sick again. And mom was like, "Let me guess... the ice cream made you sick so now you won't need to touch it and the rest of us can have it?" And he threw a fit.

Dave had to buy his precious pie for himself... And refused to fucking read direction so guess what? He left it in too long and burned it. Mom had placed a special order for quick delivery and got the rest of us different pies to share so everyone would get something for dessert. They just ended up being mostly whipped cream and a slight hint of flavor and were lame af tho. I was especially mad cuz she informed everyone of who got what and Dave literally went right behind everyone's backs and took like a quarter of each of the other pies in one sitting and left his burnt as one on the table for days.

2.) Landlady's Possessions

Some may recall me mentioning how in our first 2 weeks here, Dave managed to break the tempered glass stove top and tried to hide it? Well, not only has he not replaced that after finally coming clean about it and claiming it would be and easy replacement to handle, but he also broke the handle to the landlady's washer/dryer set, and the faucet in the bathroom sink which is why we haven't been able to wash our hands there this whole time. We've gotten use the shower to the kitchen sink if cleanliness is truly so important.

Mom ended up having to place the dryer handle the other night. Dave still won't mention the stove top though. He claims he can fix the faucet but won't acknowledge how if he doesn't fix the stove top, he's not getting the last month's rent and security back(which would be about $2,600). The house will NOT be as it was when he moved it because of HIM and that WILL be $2,600 down the drain. So, despite all that bitching, he's doing nothing as per usual.

3.) Waste

He's still wasting food. The first point should have gotten that across pretty well but it goes beyond.

I made pasta 2 nights ago. We had alfredo sauce, and I had some cans of chicken I was hiding away for a just such an occasion to spruce it up, yk? It took like half an hour, but it was done right as they walked in the door at 6 PM. I got mom and I some food, Bethy got her own food, and then we ate.

His ass never ate dinner. In fact, he got on the phone to whoever the fuck to bitch about how tired he was of not getting to eat full meals. Rigatoni in chicken and alfredo sauce was sitting in a massive pot int he kitchen, and his ass wouldn't touch it. Same as usual. There was enough for him but when I went out, he didn't touch it even after hours, so I had to put it away.

He never puts the food away, no matter who makes it. I often go into the kitchen at midnight to find all of dinner left everywhere. Much has gone to waste even because he won't fucking help.

So today, mom was supposed to make stuffed peppers. She got all the shit for it, but Dave suddenly whines and bitches, like he's never had them before and doesn't know how they're made, "What's in them?" Mom explains slowly cuz he's that fucking dumb. "I don't want tomato sauce, I'll get heartburn!" "We've always had them that way, and you've always had heartburn, yet you never complained before." "Well, I don't want it now! I'm fucking tired of tomato sauce!"

We haven't had tomato sauce in over a month cuz he specifically won't buy it unless Bethy is there to put it in the cart. He demands mom uses alfredo sauce in the stuffed peppers instead... and it was awful. I've never needed so much salt in my life. Dave lost the garlic powder so much of the flavor was missing, and rice covered in alfredo sauce is NOT good. I was very displeased. Once again, we do shit to cater to Dave and once again, it ends up being a failure cuz guess what? He didn't fucking eat any. There were enough for everyone to have at least 2 with 2 left over. There are 6 remaining. I ate 2 with extra rice on the side, mom had 1, and Bethy had 1. Dave didn't even eat them... cuz he ended up not liking them even when mom told him it wasn't going to end up well.

All that bitching and forcing us to change how we usually do things, only to not only NOT eat the thing that was made to his specifications, but then he spent the night bitching about being hungry when his ass could make spaghetti and alfredo sauce for himself if he was so desperate for food. We have ground beef and ground turkey. Canned chicken. Mac n' cheese. Different types of soup. He was not starving or going without, he was just lazy. After all that talking, he did nothing at all.

4.) Not reading the lease.

Withholding details of the lease from us and not bothering to read it clearly and now acting like he did nothing wrong the entire time.

~.O.~

The one thing Dave isn't at fault for, is the landlady's behavior.

This house has a separate garage that wasn't part of the lease. She's not having it slightly remodeled, and her ex-husband is adding an electric garage door. He had to come in and check the breaker with his electrician friend and they were mumbling to each other about her plans. She DOESN'T want to move in, she wants to rent out the house and garage together for a higher price.

I'm so mad I am practically fuming.

We're getting hit by everything, and to have this news dumped on us right before Christmas has just soured the holidays entirely. We've already begun packing our things, but we have no plan on where to go and nowhere to even put our stuff again. We have 6 weeks left and I'm just so tired.

[GFM] [Ko-Fi]

[pbandjesse]

Today was a bit of a rollercoaster and I really just want to go lay down but the contractor for the door is here so I have to wait and so I'm waiting this to pass the time.

I really struggled to fall asleep last night. A combination of being the wrong temperature, the seam of the blanket touching my foot, just general anxiety. It was not as easy rest.

And then I had to wake up at 630. Which wasn't horrible but it was cold in the house. Poor James woke me up wearing their jacket. I got dressed and was fine but I did not wear my warmer coat and so I was not very comfortable in the car.

Our timing was all wonky today too. We left the house a little before 7 and we're parked by 705. And in the hospital by 715. I was honestly hoping it would take them a little longer to bring us back but no luck. Right on time.

Baby girl was moving a whole bunch though. I told the nurse about my pains and fears and things but she made me feel like everything was doing good. She also said that baby was moving at a more mature level and that was very reassuring since she'll be delivered early.

Once we were done there we would have to figure out getting to the blood draw lab in a different building. The hospital has all their buildings connected by skyways so that's fun. Don't have to go outside at all.

And the blood draw was quick. It was barely 815 and we were done.

Which would normally be fine but my next appointment wasn't for two hours. We had time to waste. James didnt realize that the next appointment was at the hospital too. So we couldn't waste timing driving anywhere since we didn't want to waste the paid parking doing it twice.

Instead we went to the cafeteria and got a little breakfast. (Well first we got in the elevator and got stuck??? The poor hospital worker that was stuck in there with us was so freaked out but it was only a few minutes) It was pretty cheap and it was nice to just sit and talk. James told me a bunch of sports things. It was just really nice listening to them talk. My stomach was hurting and I was nervous about the appointment and I think the potatoes had onions in it. But I was alright.

We got over to the Hoffman office at 9. And I was like hey. I know we are wildly early. And they would bring me back to a room by 930 but we still weren't seen until a little after 10. And I was just so over sitting in that room. My stomach hurt. I was tired. James was being supportive but I was just having a really rough time.

And the appointment could have gone better. The physician's assistant was really kind and she said my levels are looking good, and baby is doing great. But we had to discuss delivering.

And after a little back and forth I decided to schedule a c section . She went through how a vaginal delivery could go and I just decided that since there is still a risk of a c section I should just schedule it and have that bit of control.

But that was a short lived feeling. I had been under the impression that I could deliver on any day of being in my 37th week of pregnancy. And they said they could push it a day, but they won't schedule a c section on a Saturday. So it could only go earlier. And like. It's not that I can't deal with change, it was just a lot to take in in the moment. I have been so committed to making it to March. And I think the PA could tell that this rattled me. And I explained that I make these rules for myself, that it doesn't matter, but I just need some time to reset. And that it's fine. And James said I was pretty clearly upset but this was the right call. I can prepare now.

It does feel weird though. My very first appointment they said my due date was March 29. Then after my first real ultrasound it got moved to the 21st. Then with my diagnosis I thought we were looking at the first week of March. But nope. February 28th. James and Jess tried me make me feel better. Well share a birthday month (I wanted her to have her own). It's a fun month (I agree). And then Meril told me about some numerology stuff that made me feel a little more happy. Her special number will be 3, same as mine. I was still pretty upset. But I was trying to let it go. Everything is going to go great.

We got back to the car and it was flurrying outside. I was happy to go home and be warm. James gave me many smooches and headed to work. And I spent a few minutes finding calm before I drove home.

When I got back here it wasn't 11 yet. I would have a nice morning. Working on my quilt project. I pinned up 4 squares for the boarder. I ran out of pins. And then I lost motivation sewing. Maybe tomorrow. I had a snack. And hung out with sweetp. My stomach was all in knots still but I was trying to feel alright and I am mostly alright. My stomach just still feels uncomfortable.

And baby is moving a whole bunch still. Which has been fun. Reassuring. I appreciate her letting me know she's okay.

I was waiting for the contractor for the door to come. We are getting a storm door installed. The original time was between 11 and 2. But then got pushed to 1-4. So I couldn't take a nap because I was waiting.

Instead I would start working on a drawing for James. Which I think we will scan and I can make into our thank you cards for our baby shower. I spent a good 2 hours working on this. And I had so much fun. The blanket part took forever but was great. I am not amazing at drawing fabric. So the pillow looks a little flat. But I think the blanket itself came out great. And when it was done James said they almost cried which I thought was so sweet.

I spent a little time measuring for a new enclosure for Crabcake that I may work on tomorrow. He kept walking to the top of his metal cup and throwing himself off. So I think he might be a little bored. I am hoping to create something with more levels for climbing opportunities for him. And ideally it will go partially in our front window so he can look out into the world.

I would get cozy in my new chair and wait for James to come home. And soon enough they were. But it was 430 and still no contractor.

Just as I was resigning ourselves to no door they texted James they were on their way. But in truth they wouldn't be here for another hour.

So James went upstairs to do their podcast. And I am sitting at my desk. It's almost 7 and they are finally finishing installing it. It apparently didn't fit so they had to resize it which is crazy because it was a custom made door that he measured for!! But as long as it works. And I'm excited that it can be glass or screen and I can have a breeze without the flies coming in all the time. Amazing.

I hope they finish soon though. I'm exhausted. And ready to go lay in bed.

Tomorrow my plan is to go pick up a few things. Get some stuff settled. And work on this enclosure idea. I hope it works out the way I am picturing.

And I hope you all have a good night. I hope you are warm wherever you are. I love you all. Good night!!

[spidey-bie]

I'm splitting this up into sections because there's a lot to go into here. Also y'all know about Ansi enough so I'm getting straight into the relationship. Not proof read if there's errors then no there isn't. Thank you to @the-cat-and-the-birdie for the questions.

Hobie & Ansi

–Part 1

Describe their relationship in 10 words or less.

Idiots who care for one another more than they think.

Describe their dynamic

There are layers to this. At first glance they give off power couple. When they're on site but not in a mission they're chaotic gremlins. But, when they're by themselves they're just two people who are so tired of living. Yet they're both gonna fight. It's gonna suck but they're both gonna keep going until things get better.

Quick! Someone asks 'What are you two? Are you dating?' - What do they say?

"Mind your business."

They will never explain a thing to anybody who they aren't close with if asked.

What's they're favorite way to spend time together?

Reading. They both love to just sit and read together. They'll read aloud to each other.

Hobie adores Ansi's reading voice. The way he changes his pitch for each character.

Her cheerful tone that she can somehow keep throughout the entire story. The way you can tell when a character is about to do something embarrassing because his nose just flared.

Ansi reads mostly sci-fi and fantasy because to him reading is an escapism.

Ansi enjoys Hobie's reading for many reasons (aside from the fact that his voice is so easy in the ears).

His deep and calming voice. The way he tries to hide or exaggerate his accent as he reads. The way he'll pause and take a long drawn out breath when he gets mad before he continues.

His smooth and steady pace is really relaxing. Ansi is fighting fight sleep every time. Hobie reads mostly memoirs or auto/biographies of important black political figures. For him reading is a means to gain knowledge and understanding about the world.

Are they romantic, platonic, sexual? A secret fourth thing?

Trying to narrow it down under any one thing is honestly offensive. They're just so loyally devoted to one another that the lines blur. Ansi will never trust anyone as much as he trusts Hobie and vice versa.

How long have they known each other?

2 years. (Hahaha so apparently they've known each other for 5 non-consecutive years.)

What song embodies their vibe?

It took so long to find a song that didn't use the word love in it. That was genuinely my only rule.

I Will by Mitski

I wanted a song that expressed the devotion that they hold for one another as well as their ability to be vulnerable with each other. To me this song is like them shouting "JUST LET ME TAKE CARE OF YOU," back and forth.

Two Slow Dancers by Mitski

The main theme of this song is nostalgia. And I've found that the two of them share more history than what I previously thought. They both wish they could turn back time. It'd be nice to go back to when life was simpler but they both know that they have to keep moving forward.

(I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys was in the running too. )

Any nicknames for each other?

Hobie calls Ansi his/a Trickster and Ann

(like Anansi the trickster spider)

Ansi has tons of nicknames for Hobie.

So far she's got: Busy Bee, Bean, Paper Boy, Bie, Hobbs, and Princess if he's getting on his nerves.

What does a sleepover look like for them?

On a good night it's the two of them infodumping back and forth to one another. Or Hobie bouncing lyrics ideas off for Ansi to sing. Boring bland stuff because it's nighttime and Ansi has a sleep schedule that he likes to stick to.

On a bad night they're both lying in Ansi's full size bed drunk or high, spilling their hearts out to one another until either the sun rises or they both pass out. Sometimes they're just lying on the couch, Hobie in Ansi's arms silently sobbing.

What moment do they feel safest with each other?

Idk if this question is referring to a specific time in the day or a moment in their shared history so I'll say something for the first one.

Crime never sleeps and I don't think the two of them do either. I'd like to say nighttime but we all know nobody is getting any peace and quiet in the streets of Seattle or London at nighttime. So probably around dusk. Right before nightfall. Or at dawn when the sun is just starting to rise.

For some of these answers I just blacked out and it felt like they were speaking through me like dang. Y'all good????

Next | Third | Fourth | Fifth

[wowwowokay2]

Talia, part 5/?

Dinner at 7:02pm: The restaurant did say they were busy, but with her food an hour late, Talia was relieved when it finally arrived. Chow mein, General Tso’s chicken, and egg rolls awaited her as she graciously paid the delivery driver and claimed her prize. Coupons were a godsend, as she was able to buy two-for-one portions, plus the famous megapack of 12 egg rolls. She was going to be set for the next few days.

Talia sat down on her loveseat and dug into her dinner. Chow mein as her first bite, it was her own strange ritual to start out eating any Chinese food. Then she allowed herself to go back a forth between chow mein, chicken and the occasional egg roll. She did her best to eat slowly and watched some subpar television with her dinner.

By 8:00pm she felt quite full, but she managed to sneak in one last bite of chow mein before pushing all the takeout containers away. She tugged her leggings and underwear down slightly and carefully reclined. For ten minutes she rested before forcing herself to get up and put away her leftovers. Gingerly she stood and gathered the containers, being careful not to bend too much and cause her gut discomfort. Waddling off to the kitchen she laid the containers out on her counter. She had finished one whole portion each of chow mein and General Tso’s chicken, and had eaten about a third of the second containers of chicken and chow mein. She had also eaten nine egg rolls. Talia decided to call it a night, she packed up the food and headed for bed.

Before she tried going to sleep, she thought she would update the online community with a picture of her moderately stuffed gut. Almost immediately she got flooded with encouragement to keep eating. But she was tired after a long day, and she dozed off.

10:57pm: Talia rolls out of bed, sitting up slowly. She belches loudly and stretches. She placed a hand on her stomach, testing it. It still felt pretty stuffed but her mind was on food. She could feel herself warming as she squirmed on the edge of her bed, debating on whether or not to go eat.

“I could at least have a snack.” She muttered to herself. She gingerly got up and returned to the kitchen. Her mind immediately went to the three remaining egg rolls. I could easily polish those off, she thought. And thus, after a quick trip to the microwave, she did polish them off. They weren’t as crispy now, but the softness of the deep fried interior remained. Yum.

And yet, despite her condition, she wanted to eat more. She sauntered over to her pantry and grabbed a bag of barbecue chips. It was a value size bag that she hadn’t opened yet. Talia went to the couch with her bag, ripped it open and turned on the TV.

The crisp, salty and sweet tang of chips was just what she needed. The grease of them coated her fingers and lips. She wasn’t eating them quickly, she was simply eating mindlessly, watching old reruns. The time passed and the pressure in her stomach grew, causing her to take breaks and breath, rubbing circles into her stomach with her greasy fingers. She was so full, but she wasn’t tired anymore. She was burning, and her crotch was throbbing. Talia just kept pushing, one more chip, one more chip. Her fingers grazed the bottom of the bag and her heart jumped. She began to eat the chips faster, knowing exactly was she was doing. Soon, her hands were on the last chip, and then she quickly positioned the bag in front of her mouth and poured the crumbs into her mouth.

Some of the crumbs scattered across her face, landing on her couch. She scrunched up the bag and tossed it aside. Talia reassessed her stomach. Yup, stuffed now, she thought. She remained reclined on the couch, gently massaging her hard stomach, belching occasionally. Eventually she managed to stumble up off the couch, after a few attempts, and she waddled off to her bathroom.

Turning on her light, she was greeted by the reflection of a goddess of sorts.Her stomach was so stuffed she could pass as six months pregnant easily. There was a greasy sheen and streaks of red on her stomach, face and hands from the chips. Talia turned on the tap and gingerly bent forward slightly to wash her hands. She then grabbed a cloth and wet it to wash her face off. She wet her hands and wiped her belly clear, making circles and motions. She outlined her stomach, placed her hands up on top and run them down to underneath. She let her hands hold her little stuffed stomach.

I can’t wait to be huge.

[ellies-cycling-notes]

Day 2: Long Island to NYC

Distance Covered: 80.23 miles

Total Time (including rests): 9:47 (7:45am-5:32pm)

Time spent riding: 7:22

Average Speed: 10.9 mph

Apples Eaten: 3 (fuji - 7.5/10, fuji - 8/10, granny smith - 6/10)

Overview of Ride:

Today's ride was just a single long trek. The very beginning of the ride was on some of the best side roads I've ever been on (they were of similar quality to a bike trail), but after that, most of the rest of the ride was spent on state roads with cars zooming past.

Once I got into NYC, though, it got better. My route took me on multiple bike trails through parks, and even when I was on city streets, New York's bike infrastructure felt better than I'm used to (this was probably influenced by the fact I was coming from various state roads that had practically 0 bike infrastructure).

The worst part of the ride was the flat tires. I ended up getting 2 flats today, both on my back wheel. I think the second flat was actually influenced by the first, because I only have a hand pump and cannot fully pump up a tire unless I go to a bike shop, and so I believe the extra weight on the back wheel combined with a not-completely pumped up tire is what caused the second tube to pop.

I finished off the ride with 2 back-to-back bridges: the Kosciuszko bridge, and then the Williamsburg bridge. The Kosciuszko bridge wasn't that bad, but the ride uphill for the Williamsburg bridge was absolute hell. At least it meant that once I got to the top of the bridge, the last 1.5 miles I had to ride were smooth sailing.

I took 4 breaks on today's ride: breaks #1 and #3 were short breaks where I had to fix a tire, and thus also had a little snack. Break #2 was in a park, where I had an early lunch (PB&J, as expected). My last break was a water break in Queens right before I got to ride on the Brooklyn-Queens Greenway, a rather nice bike path.

Small Notes/Experiences on the Ride

Sunscreen - I almost forgot to put on sunscreen this morning! My campsite was in the shade and the sun was still low when I started the ride, so I just forgot. Luckily, I noticed another bicyclist who had stopped on the side of the road and was doing various prep, and somehow that subconsciously reminded me to apply sunscreen

Waking up - I woke up just before dawn this morning (around 5:30am). I tried to fall back asleep, but couldn't, for 3 main reasons: (1) my sleeping bag was really hot, and I was overheating (2) there were train tracks near the campground and a train passed by just as I was trying to fall back asleep (3) roosters! I don't know where they were, but starting around 6am, you could hear a rooster's call every minute or two

Speed Limit - As a bicyclist, I always find it funny when I'm able to go faster than the speed limit. This is easily attainable on roads with a Limit of 15 mph, but my law-breaking was more impressive than that today. The road had a speed limit of 20 mph, and was on a short downhill, so I was able to pick up speed such that I was the fastest vehicle on the road (I capped out at around 24 mph on that road)

Railroad Avenues - I don't know why, but my maps kept having me take routes that ended up with me going right parallel to train tracks. More than once, said parallel road was called a Railroad Avenue.

Dogs - I usually don't care much for animals, but there were a few dogs of interest I noticed today. One of them was in a yard behind a fence and kept zooming back and forth from one end to another. I thought it was following cars, but then it just turned around and raced to the other end when it was already chasing a car, so that theory might be wrong. I also saw a wooden or plastic dog statue, maybe 1 meter tall, hyper-realistic, just sitting on the curb of a city street. There was a third dog I was thinking about mentioning, but I forgot why it was interesting before I had a chance to write it down.

Post Ride Notes

I'm now resting in a friend's apartment in NYC. I'm late to posting tonight because when I got here, I ended up just lying down for an hour or two because of how sore I was. I did not do Yoga today, but as tomorrow is my rest day, I'll likely do Yoga then.

Design Notes

Today's design notes refer to specific games I'm working on/want to work on, mainly focusing in from a mechanics perspective.

Game 1: Doubles Rowing

The idea for this is a micro card game, maybe 20 cards at most, where two players play cooperatively as the two rowers in a Double (a two-person boat where each person has 2 oars). The stroke seat would have to play cards to set the pace and keep the energy up, while the bow seat would have to follow the stroke and make directional calls (and maybe some other calls too). This idea hasn't really been fleshed out at all yet, so that's what I have so far.

Game 2: Bicycle Repair Minigames

A video game, probably using either a mouse-and-keyboard or a game controller, where the player has to perform various tasks that require precise actions in order to repair a bike. For example, when performing the mini-game to replace a bike chain, you would have to carefully line your new and old chains up, side-by-side, and then use a chain tool to shorten the new chain if it's too long. However, you still have to be very precise with this part, as you don't want to accidentally break a chain link. After that, you put the chain carefully on the bike cassettes, and have to line up the ends of the chain so that you can connect it, either using a master link, or by using the chain tool again. And that's just one example of a mini-game

Game 3: Cooperative UNO: Curses!

This game is based around a cooperative game-loss condition I've been wanting to work into a game for a while. I thought I'd test the mechanic/loss condition out with an UNO deck. I have a whole rules system for it, so here's how it works:

This game is for 2+** players.

Separate out the numbered cards (0-9) from the others.

Shuffle the numbered cards and deal each player 5 cards. Set the rest of the numbered cards to the side face-down (this is the deck).

Put the top card of the deck in the discard pile.

Set the other cards (reserve, +2 cards, etc.) to the side in a pile (doesn't need to be shuffled). This is the Curse pile. Any cards that are not number cards will be counted as Curse cards in this game.

Now, here's how you play the game. Players are working together, taking turns. Tabletalk rules are up to you, but I would suggest no talking.

On your turn, you start by drawing until you have 5 cards in hand (on your first turn, you draw 0 cards). If you attempt to draw from an empty deck, keep the top card of the discard pile, and shuffle the rest of the discard pile as the new deck.

Next, you play a number card to the discard pile that follows the rules of UNO (is either the same color or number value). If you cannot, you discard any number card from your hand to the bottom of the discard pile. Also, add a card from the Curse pile to the bottom of the discard pile.

At the end of your turn, discard any Curse cards you have in your hand to the bottom of the discard pile.

Winning/Losing the Game:

This is not currently a game that can be won. However, there are 2 ways to lose:

If every player must discard Curse cards at the end of their turn in a turn cycle, you lose.

If one player is neither able to play a number card nor able to discard a number card on their turn because their entire hand is Curses, you lose.

Game 4: Cave Explorer

This is the game I probably have the most to write about, but I'm getting tired, so I'm going shorten it to a summary today. Luckily, this is the game I'm most interested in working on/thinking about, so I'll probably have many chances to expand on this in future blog posts.

This game is a single-player video game I made in a class my Freshman year. It's a rogue-like game, where you have a large grid of colored squares. You have an avatar on one of those squares you can move around by using the arrow keys, and need to get them to the exit. However, there are 3 snags in this plan.

First, when you input a movement for your character, they don't actually move. Instead, your input is recorded in a log on the side of the screen and you can add more inputs. When you think you've made all the movements to get your guy to the exit, you can click "Enter", and they'll go through the movements you inputted one-by-one until they either reach the exit, or fail to do so.

The second trick is that each colored square has a differently ability. In the original version of the game, you start with four types of tiles:

Floor - light grey tiles that you can walk on

Walls - dark green tiles that you can't move through - they can be used strategically, though, if you think you'll forget one of your inputs.

Pits - Black tiles that if your avatar walks on them, it's a game over.

Falling Floors - Dark grey tiles that can only be stepped on once. After that, they turn into Pits.

Furthermore, as you get further in the game, more unique tiles will appear so you have to be able to carefully maneuver around, making use of the different tiles the best you can.

The last snag in your game plan is the timer. The game cannot actually be beaten, levels can generate infinitely. Your progress is instead calculated by how many randomly-generated levels you can get through before you run out of time, with each level more complicated/difficult than the last.

That's an overview of the original version of Cave Explorer. I have a rest day tomorrow, so I'll try to see if I can find the files for it and whether I'd be able to share it.

I have several ideas for ways to expand/re-work Cave Explorer. However, as mentioned earlier, I don't really want to get into all that right now. Instead, I'm going to give a list of terms, which will serve as both a notes board for myself, and a small bite of what I'm thinking about.

Gamemodes: Classic, Basic, Randomized, Region-based, Endless, "Deck-builder", Custom

Tile Types: Ice, Mud, Jump, Quicksand, Linked Teleport, Key, Hidden Room, Upstairs, Corruption, various "Points" tiles

Code Changes: Updated map-building, weight of tiles, tile definitions, ui formatting

"Out There" Ideas: new characters, enemies, race/fight mode

That's everything from me tonight! I'll be resting up tomorrow, and will still make a post, but it'll probably be shorter and more formal than normal.

Previous -- Today's Pics -- Next

[blogofageminimoon]

LYRICISM #10: training season - dua lipa

are you someone that i can give my heart to? / or just the poison that i'm drawn to this is the introspective process of debating whether you should get romantically involved with a guy. i like you a lot but you're not good for me, you're toxic. just like poison. are you someone that i can trust and open my heart up to?

but if you really wanna go there / you should i know i... / need someone to hold you close / deeper than i've ever known / whose love feels like a rodeo, knows just how to take control if you really want to get romantically involved with me, these lyrics are explicitly saying what i want. i need someone who can hold me tight and knows me at a deeper level, nothing superficial. i want a love that can be chaotic but as a man, you should know how to manage difficult situations when things get challenging.

when i'm vulnerable, he's straight talking to my soul / conversation overload, got me feeling vertigo when i open up, you as a man need to understand me and acknowledge me as if you are me. i need a partner, an equal, a twin flame. too much conversation and flip flop back and forth can overwhelm me. yet at the same time, if you communicate well i can also get a good kind of vertigo as if i'm lovesick for you.

are you somebody who can go there? / cause i don't wanna have to show ya / if that ain't you then let me know yeah / cause training season's over are you someone who can check all of these boxes? i'm sick and tired of being manipulated and having to explain and show you want i want and i want i need. if you're not able to do the bare minimum to even proactively get to know myself and my needs, i'm over it. just tell me because i don't want to waste my time and have to literally explain my needs to you. i'm not going to train a man how to be my boyfriend. it's over. i'm done with that.

i tried to see my lovers in a good light / don't want to do it just to be nice / don't wanna have to teach you how to love me right when you're in love, you try so hard to look at your lover/crush/boyfriend in a positive state of mind. but it's common courtesy in a relationship to be willing to explore various challenges, intimacy and boundaries. i don't want to have to be constantly explaining what i need in a relationship to my significant other. if you're not willing to do any of that, it's not worth a relationship.

can you compete? / now is your time / run when you hear that whistle blow / are you on my team? / or stuck in the sidelines waiting for someone to tell you to go? i could have so many contenders of a man who could ultimately be my partner. so this is your chance, are you willing to go out of your way, above and beyond to be worth it to me? are you willing to sacrifice everything to love me for me, understand me, know me, and be able to advocate for me? are you on my side or are you just going to betray me? so this is your chance, when you hear the "go ahead," are you going to win first place for me? are you going to give it your all? or are you just going to chill in the back and wait for the coach to tell you to man up and step up your game? you tell me. i don't need a loser.

[defiantscribe]

Thanks again, gang

I think it's time to vent to Tumblr again, because I just can't seem to bring myself to talk about this kind of thing out loud or find someone beyond myself to give as much of a damn about it as I do.

Not that I would expect another to, but that's the rub: I care deeply about trying to find some sort of positive direction in my life, something to work towards, something to be happy or proud of and I just keep finding excuses to not and I'm tired of feeling like I'm the failure of the month, month after month, because I can't find enough motivation to stick with something and run it to the end.

I know that complaining like this will result in nothing, but sometimes it's simply a matter of putting thought to paper (or text) that will allow me to let it go. I have a tendency to hold onto things that shouldn't matter or be a matter of being important, but I can't seem to let them go like it's almost a personal slight.

It's not a personal slight, but it's hard to not take things personally sometimes.

Let me regale you with a small story that recently happened just to illustrate this point.

So I host gaming nights weekly, have been for roughly 4 years now and sometimes the sessions will go long, sometimes the sessions go only a couple of hours. All depends on the vibe, the people playing, lots of factors.

Well, the other evening I had two of my good IRL friends playing and we had a player we'd only known online that we wanted to move away from and just play the 3 of us. So we wrangled a way to do so and we joined a VC and it was just us. I was super happy to hang out and have those two with me, but suddenly I wasn't.

One of my friends has been having some pretty heavy life issues and they started talking with the other friend at great length about their issues.

Now, this is not a problem. I know they needed to get all of that bullshit they're dealing with out and talk about it, I get that, but what sucked was that I was third wheeled HARD. And it wasn't until almost an hour later that one of them even acknowledged that maybe they'd third wheeled me.

Wouldn't have been a major thing, but we were all on cam, so they could see me. They could see me just sitting there, in silence, listening to their conversation with no interjection. I had tried to start a game 10 minutes after we switched, the invite went ignored as the conversation they were having continued.

I eventually gave up on trying to play a game and just kind of did my own thing by watching youtube shorts and other things while they went back and forth. Even got to the point where I considered hard booting my PC and acting like I had a power bump just to get out of the situation because clearly I wasn't a part of this, even though I was the one who initiated and made this happen so I could hang out with my friends.

But then my friends sidebarred me and only saw me after I got up, went to the bathroom and then came back looking all bored. And the best part was even after acknowledging me, they both went to the bathroom themselves, leaving me there by myself…. again.

Now, this just sucked. They both "apologized", but I felt it was half hearted like I should just be accepting of it. And I don't feel that way. I don't feel like I did anything to warrant that treatment, especially since they both know my issues with being shut out like that in the past and having trust issues because of it, but it also dawns on me that perhaps I'm taking this too personally.

And it's troubling because I feel like I was ignored by people that were suppose to be there for me, but my one friend needed someone beyond me to listen to them.

I don't know man, it just sucked and did nothing more than drum up old feelings of "I'm in this alone". I was really trying to move past that in life, I've held on to that mentality for a long long time and it's taken a small force of nature to get me past that type of thinking, but then something like this happens and only seems to confirm that I was right all along.

My friend even said they had nothing to keep them here in our home town and that stung. Like I didn't matter enough to them when I've offered my home to them and it just drove home the feeling of "no one will really be there for you". And I've been struggling with that old, toxic feeling for the past 3 days now and I'm mad.

I'm fucking mad. I hate this feeling. I hate that I'm made to feel like I don't matter that much. Not that it's their responsibility to make me feel any way, but Jesus….. you could at least make me not feel like less than dirt on the ground in your personal opinion. And then I turn around and give justification to their actions, saying I understand their treatment of me in that moment, but I'm getting to the point where I really need to stop that type of thinking because honestly…. that's victim mentality. Finding justification for mistreatment. They were just having a bad day, they didn't mean it, etc. etc.

I've been a sympathizer in that respect for a LONG time, there was a point in my life where I wasn't, but it's gotten to a point where I need to stop accepting that kind of treatment and just deal with the fallout of walking away or snubbing those who would snub me.

I used to be far more aggressive in things like this, but I've gotten soft and decided being a people pleaser was the right path for me. Perhaps I need to not go that route anymore and need to start stomping on feet of those who decide to step out of line and expect me to just roll over and accept it.

Maybe I just need to disappear and re-evaluate what it all means for me and maybe do something else for a change. I mean, I've been doing this for 4 years now and it's almost become expected, not appreciated. Maybe these people need to find something else to do too. I just am tired of feeling like the effort I put forth is expected. Well, it's not. It's what I want to do, not because of you, but because I want to.

It's a sticky situation that needs some evaluation. Time to maybe put what I need to do before I give a fuck about what others want from me. Been a hot minute since I've done that, truthfully.

Just keeps feeling like all the effort, all the work, everything I keep trying just keeps leading back to the same damn conclusion. Wasn't that the definition of insanity? No, that was keep trying the same thing expecting different results. I'm trying different things, but keep getting the same result: Suck eggs, bro.

I don't even like eggs, fuck your eggs.

[lifewithoutmeds]

july 17, 2023

quick recap of last 10 days: saturday, july 8: brunch with amy. cried. facetime therapy with kelda. cried. lorena’s bday surprise. held it together. reyna was kind enough to invite me and 7 of her friends/plus ones and we surprised lorena for her bday/welcome home at a localish bar. i held back tears but tried to engage as much as i could. limited success.

friday, july 9: dinner with steven. we cooked meats; he was particularly fond of the pork jowl, thankfully, as i had a whole package of it. he brought some soju and some other plum wine drink and he listened to me cry and was a good friend and promised that we’d see each other on wednesdays when we were both in office.  sunday, july 10: considered going to church but then just slept and stared at my phone all day. tuesday, july 11: met up lorena at BJ’s for some happy hour beers and mini pizza. saw my waitress crush. cried a little.

saturday, july 15: managed to leave the condo to go hang out with amy at her house for a few hours, maybe like 1:10pm-4:30pm. we caught up and i tried to engage with her kids but they’re kinda tiring and didn’t seem particularly interested in engaging with me either. left to go to the pacoima costco where i got gas, toilet paper, eggs, and bottled water, and had my toilet paper and eggs stolen out of my cart while i put condiments on my hotdog. costco quickly replenished my stolen goods when notified, but it made me pretty sad and disappointed with the state of the world. sunday, july 16: slept for 12 hours. stared at my phone for 12 hours. ate a frozen pizza and then puked up some of it at night. monday, july 17: tiny tiny steps. texted amy and tracy throughout the day. chatted with lana for a bit on teams. tried to do a little work. did a few loads of dishes, and took out some trash and recycling. was able to walk to ralphs and buy a few items: items for cauliflower dip, a gallon of vinegar so i can clean some things. an onion. made some cauliflower dip, rinsed the cauliflower, and ate some cauliflower (health). also talked to rhiannon for a bit as we laid out our camping plans (for this friday-sunday), read a chapter in my book on borderline personality disorder, and now am journaling, so today was my most productive day in a week.

it’s such a weird sensation to feel ... so heavy, so unmotivated, so listless, so bored. the only thing i kinda appreciate is eating. like i enjoy craving a food and then thinking of how i can like satisfy said craving. i went back and forth with tracy last week on pizzas, and really considered going someplace to satisfy my desire for pizza, but laziness and cheapness caught up with me so i ended up getting two reduced/clearance frozen pizzas at ralphs and eating them over the next three days and they were gross and made me feel terrible. but sometimes i’ll think mm, prime rib sounds good. hwedupbap sounds good. i haven’t gotten as far as acquiring said foods, but it’s nice to at least have desire, in any form.

another weird thing is how i’ve gotten so addicted to my phone, even though nothing in/on my phone particularly entertains me. but it’s like i can’t tear my eyes away. FORTUNATELY i’ve stopped watching police body cam and otherwise shaming videos on the youtube and started watching more “Try Guys” and like the hot wings eating challenges. i find myself watching a lot of clips from The Office, Parks and Rec, Friends, the Big Bang Theory, and weirdly Young Sheldon (all this just pops up on facebook and i just watch.) i guess it’s a positive development that at least my mind is gravitating more toward light things rather than the worst of humanity. i should be receiving my DVD’s this wednesday so i can more mindfully tune into my tv shows.

i feel like i’m at the bottom of a very big hill. a mountain, i guess. every step is hard and feels heavy and the mountain seems very big and unsurmountable and i kind of don’t quite get why i even have to climb it, but i do for some reason. i know i need to “do the work.” i know i need to figure this out, somehow, for some reason. i guess. finding motivation is hard. but every minute spent not staring at my phone i guess is a tiny tiny victory. i know that i need to stop sleeping away my problems and stop wasting away my life, but ... but it feels so hard. tracy asked today, whether i might not benefit from a healthy diet and exercise? granted, i can see how eating frozen pizzas and sleeping all day long would Not benefit me in the long run, but it’s just kinda wild how when you’re as depressed as i am, that literally feels like the only thing i’m capable of. and though i can understand conceptually how a walk might feel good, or getting groceries to make a nutritious meal might benefit me, it’s soooo stupidly hard to just get any momentum whatsoever.

i hope today was momentum. 

week ahead: tuesday: hoping to do a little laundry and gather up some items for the camping trip. wednesday: in office. thursday: happy hour with danielle friday - sunday: camping in french camp with rhiannon

i’m mildly dreading camping because it’s been so hot lately, and sometimes it’s hard to do things, like meal prep or clean up, and i’m a little nervous that i won’t have fun because of the way i’ve been feeling lately and i don’t want to sort of ruin one of the only things that’ve made me feel better in my life, but also, i’m telling myself that it’ll be good to be out in nature, to not stare at my phone, to focus on something outside of myself. i’ll bring a couple books and try to do some fishing. i hope it’ll be okay.

mood: 2.23

[blu-oo]

(Angsty-ish) Cole headcanons cuz he’s my favorite

1. When he’s overwhelmed/freaking out to the point his hands shake, the ground around him starts to shake as well without him realizing. The fastest way to stop this is if he or someone else holds his hands still.

2. He’s been trained in several “official” forms of dance (contemporary, ballet, waltz, etc.)

3. He developed a general fear of heights after The Fall, and it’s impacted him enough that things he used to enjoy, such as rock climbing, are now anxiety inducing. Because of his job as a ninja, he had to essentially Suck It Up™️, but that didn’t stop it from hindering both himself and the others/mission.

4. ^ because of this, when his thoughts/troubles got to much for him, instead of climbing mountains, he turned to food as a form of comfort. His friends/Wu do eventually help him through his fear of heights so it doesn’t affect him as much, but the fear never truly 100% goes away.

5. Post ghost form he had a habit of walking face first into walls/people. Even now when he’s tired he’ll still sometimes do it.

6. I think it’s safe to assume Cole in canon has at least some self confidence issues at this point. When the self doubt gets really bad, his powers will reflect the worst case scenario he’s envisioned (ex: he assumes his power won’t be enough for something and when he goes in for the earth punch, its like getting hit w a pillow)

7. Will fight a child for the last slice of cake at a birthday party (the ninja were invited as a surprise for the birthday boy. The child cole fought was, in fact, said birthday boy)

8. Cole’s habit of talking to himself grows to the point that he essentially rubber duckies himself when problem solving anything. He will do this in front of the other ninja and will just straight up not hear them when they try to help him with the issue. But also they have watched this mam have a full on back and forth conversation about a show he didn’t like before.

9. While caring for baby Wu, he gained the habit of going to check on him when he had trouble sleeping at night, tucking him in and sitting with him for a bit. After Wu returns to his actual age the habit never really goes away, but Cole is embarrassed about it so he tries to be extra super ninja sneaky when he pulls the covers up over Wu’s shoulders after his blanket had fallen a bit. Wu knows he does this but pretends to be asleep, after all why stop a kind gesture if it brings comfort to both involved.

10. Because of his lava arms, Cole (and Lloyd) are the only ones that don’t get easily burned by Kai’s fire. They’re usually the ones in charge of holding him back/cooling him down if physical touch is needed.

Surprise Jay headcanon jumpscare:

Since there are toys of the ninja, Jay goes out of his way to purchase all the misprint/goofy looking dolls of them all and proudly displays his growing collection much to everyone’s annoyance (especially Kai. They NEVER get his face right)