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[blogofageminimoon]

my spiritual journey: analyzing my big 3

it's been a hot minute since i made my intro post to this series, but i haven't forgotten! i've done my own research and delved a lot into the world of astrology over the past year. i think it's a great way to learn and reflect about yourself.

sagittarius sun your sun sign is supposed to represent your core essence and energy deep within. i'd say i feel like i resemble a sag. overall, i'm a very hopeful, optimistic person who always tries to look at the bright side of things. i hate routine and absolutely love trying new things whether that is going to new places, trying new foods, doing an activity i've never done before. i love the outdoors, it brings me a sense of calamity. i love humour and laughing, i'm always one to be making sarcastic jokes and i love seeing funny memes and videos online. i can be very blunt at times or i just say things out of the blue. i tend to call people out on things as i am very observant (probably due to my scorpio mercury but will elaborate in a future post). i would say i'm very intelligent as i grew up reading a lot, learning new things and got decent grades in school, minus the time i had personal issues going on. my knowledge is quite well rounded about the world around me. i love hanging out with my friends and meeting new people but i also love my alone time. although i like to socialize, i get quiet around people who i feel don't match my energy or who i feel i don't really connect or resonate with. i'm not the typical "extroverted, life of the party sag." i'm more of an ambivert and i'd say i'm definitely more extroverted around people i'm comfortable with. that being said, i love having a good time and i'm down for a party and some drinks. i love karaoke and singing my heart out. i see life as an adventure and a journey to have fun. i don't like being around fake or superficial people. i have a talent for ghosting people and cutting people off. intimacy and vulnerability scare me because i'm scared of getting hurt and people knowing everything about me. i really value my independence and freedom. i hate when people tell me what to do or try to control what i do. i hate when people force me to do things i don't want to do. i don't like negative nancies. when i get sad, it's relatively short lived. i love being happy and i love things in my life and the people in my life who bring me happiness.

aries rising your rising sign is how you present yourself to the world and i resonate highly with this. i've always been a tomboy of a girl, who's preferred wearing athleisure and casual clothing on a day to day. i only wear dresses and girly clothing if i have to. physically, i grew up with a lot of acne and still have slight residual scarring (although my skin has been doing great lately!). i tend to have a bit of a reddish flush at times. i have very broad shoulders, with a slight muscular build. growing up, i loved getting down and dirty and playing outside. i was the kid always running outside at recess. i loved playing on the monkey bars, trying to do little flips on the bars. i loved running around and playing on the slides. i got into lots of accidents as a child (i split my lip on the ice when skating, had a black eye from playing soccer, had a giant brick thrown at me as a kid, had lots of scrapes and bruises, had a ton of blisters from the monkey bars, ripped off my toenail from falling off my bike). as per my last post, i got a concussion from a near car accident so i'm still getting into these situations. personality wise, i am definitely an initiator and i thrive when i start new things. i suck at finishing what i start though. or just forget about things (but i think my gemini moon contributes to this since i can be all over the place). i like making the first move in many aspects of my life; career wise, this includes taking initiative and going out of my way to do certain tasks, or seeking new opportunities. socially, it involves me reaching out to friends to plan get togethers or starting the planning process. on a personal level, it involves me starting new things such as this journal blog. recently, i've been finding that whenever i start and initiate new things, i tend to attract more abundance in my life and this could be related to my sag sun. i've levelled up in my career and finally got to travel this past year and it was from me making my own moves and putting myself out there. i've also experimented with my fashion style lately and have been loving how i look in a leather jacket. i think eyeshadow (especially warm brown/red/orange/nude based looks) suits me and make my eyes pop. i've also been playing around with somewhat bolder lip colours (reds here and there, dark browns). i've been told i have a calm presence and that i look like i'm unphased by anything (especially at work). i've also been told i can be a bit intimidating or scary or just have a rbf.

gemini moon your moon sign is your inner world and emotions. cue the credits for my blog username. as a gemini moon, i am internally restless and i'm always thinking about something or have something in mind. i always have that little voice in my head talking to me about stuff. it's crazy how some people don't have that little voice. my friends think i'm adhd sometimes because i can be so restless and all over the place. i think because i'm comfortable with them, my inner thoughts and emotions can exhibit themselves physically. i bite my nails a lot, i'm always touching everything, and sometimes i have my leg just shaking or i need to fidget with something to keep my mind occupied. i feel like even in the way i type, i feel like i'm rambling on and on and on about stuff. i'm a very good communicator and i value communication in friendships and relationships (even though i've never properly been in one). when it comes to my thoughts and emotions, i think talking them through helps to calm my nerves. that's partially why i started this blog, because i don't like opening up about these kinds of things to people. this outlet allows me to do that and get my thoughts out. i am very witty and personally i feel i can be quite charming and charismatic at times. i feel i can be two faced at times in the sense that i say something and do the complete opposite. or i can act one way and do a complete 360 and act the total opposite. i love change and adapt well to change in my life. also believe that the angel number 555 resonates with me (this number represents change). i don't like boredom and i always need to be doing something. if i am home all day, i cannot just sit on the couch today, i need something to actually do. people say i'm a chill and easygoing person to talk to once they get to know me. i think i give off don't mess with me vibes due to my aries rising but then people are like oh hey! she's really sweet.

[blogofageminimoon]

self reflection: life update

hey me, it's been awhile since you've written on here. a lot has changed in the last month and a bit.

congratulations, you've finally got the chance to travel. the montreal trip was planned about a year in advance so you knew it was coming. guess what? you had a lot of fun. you got to immerse yourself in a different environment and took in all that you could. you got to share this opportunity and make special memories with your very well loved friends. mind you, there were some conflicts along the way which are bound to happen in a group trip, but you still made the most of it. you got to experience various cultural differences and used those insights to compare how it is living back home. you explored new places, learned new things, and lived your life. those conflicts are learning experiences for the future trips you hope to take with your friends.

you also took a big spontaneous leap. you decided to go on a last minute calgary & banff trip with your friend 1 week before the actual trip date. moreover, it was with her boyfriend and his peers who are complete strangers to you. you came back from montreal, slept the night, woke up the next morning, packed for calgary and left the same night to go out west. it was a wild adventure and you knew nothing going into this trip. you didn't know who you were going to meet, you didn't know where you were staying, you didn't know the trip itinerary. you just jumped in and went with the flow. and you had a spectacular time. you got to experience canadian nature and hike various trails you thought you would never get to go to. you got to witness unreal, beautiful scenic views of the rocky mountains and some of the bluest, clearest waters you'll ever see. you learned about a different side of canada and it was totally unplanned. on this trip, you also got a concussion during the road trip on the ride home from banff but you're okay. a little lesson learned, to ALWAYS wear your seatbelt but life happens and unexpected things good or bad are bound to happen in that life. all you can do is take it, move forward and learn. you've met new people and got to socialize. you've gained new perspectives from these people. you don't know if you will cross paths with them again, but it is an experience you will remember nonetheless.

now you are back home. you were supposed to back to work the same evening your flight landed back home. your body crashed and said no, and that's when you found out you had a concussion. so now you've been stuck at home, off from work, limited to only your local neighbourhood. your mom tells you that you need to slow down and your dad tells you that you should space out your vacations in relation to going back to work.

you know what? sure, i've been on the go go go lately. but i had fun. and i lived and learned and i'm young and i still have life to keep living. i don't have any regrets. i'm bored out of my mind right now as i'm typing this entry. but i'm alive, happy, healthy and breathing. i'm in a good headspace. i'm excited for what's to come. i'm in tune with my spiritual self. i think everything that's happened this past summer was for the better. cheers to a smooth recovery, you're doing great and getting better day by day. you're accomplishing more every minute. you can now use this experience to empathize better with your patients at work. just keep living, and wait for what the future holds for you.

career wise, you are also levelling up. you're going to start precepting your first student, although it's somewhat on hold from the concussion. but don't worry, it's coming! you will get to meet her and you are excited. it's a new challenge taking a student, probably getting a heavier workload, all while healing from a concussion but you got this. you also got an email that a unit council is starting this fall. you reached out because you are interested. you are hopeful all will be well. timing is everything, everything is starting to happen now and things finally feel like they are moving forward and upward.

so from me to me, i am thankful and grateful for everything that happened and everything that will happen. i am just waiting to see where life takes me next. i was in a low mindset for the past few months but things are getting better. ups and downs are a part of life. :)

-

p.s. you you need to make another astrology entry based on these experiences. fyi just a reminder, don't forget.

[blogofageminimoon]

lack of reciprocation.

i've always had a small circle of friends but lately that pool has gotten even smaller. i'm quite wary about who i fully open up to because i don't like fake, superficial people.

i love my friends but lately i just feel like i'm putting in all the effort in everything. i'm naturally the initiator type of person but i'm not very good at finishing what i start. this goes for a lot of things. in the context of my friends, i'm usually the one to initiate meet ups and start the planning process. my friends are down for activities and it's not like i'm being mistreated by any means. i just hate how i'm the one who is always doing all the work. we planned a girls trip and we are very behind on the planning process. i started our itinerary and i left room for them to add things, make suggestions, make changes and no one has touched anything.

i have another friend who is just very hard to make plans with since she is very particular. she's very strict with her money & spendings, she doesn't like to do a lot of things and is very picky, she prioritizes school and work over meetups (which is valid) but we mutually agreed to a pizza date sometime this month. i sent her the dates that i'm free to hang and she hasn't gotten back to me. at this point i just feel like she doesn't even want to hang out. this isn't the first time something like this has happened.

i kinda backed off and i'm leaving it to the rest of the group to see if they even end up doing anything with the itinerary. worst comes to worst, i'll finish it on my own. as for my other friend and the pizza date, if she doesn't get back to me. well then i guess we're just calling it off.

it just sucks being the one who is always putting in the effort but isn't getting anything back. i just want to be on a mutual playing field for once. i want someone who will just give me what i give them in return. is that too much to ask?

[blogofageminimoon]

self reflection: things i'm grateful for

i've been MIA for a month on here. this blog or journal site is fairly new, but i have a habit of starting lots of new projects and dreaming up new ideas only to forget about them down the line.

just want to reflect on the little things in my life that i'm eternally grateful for. i get in my head a lot and often forget about simple things like this. it's these little things that keep me going yet it's always kept in my brain subconsciously. so here i am bringing these ideas to the surface.

i am so grateful and thankful for:

having a home to live in

being able to move my body and be healthy

having my parents with me, alive and healthy and able to support me despite our hardships and challenges in life

living in a country where i feel safe, have access to free healthcare, resources, activities to do, free of war and major political mishaps

my small group of my friends who have stuck by me

a well paying job where i feel valued yet still have my freedom and flexibility

food and clean, accessible water

financial stability, being able to support myself and give back to friends and family

life lessons; i've grown immensely from low points in my life and they've shaped me to who i am today

beauty of the earth and being able enjoy the outside; seeing flowers, animals in their habitat, rainbows, trees and everything mother nature gives us

being able to freely read, listen to music, and speak my mind without consequences

having access to education and being able to complete my 4 year bachelor degree, the ability to be a life long learner in multiple capacities

for being strong and having the will to push through and keep fighting through all the challenges i've encountered

i'm sure there's a lot of other things which are not coming to mind right now but these are just some things which keep me grounded. i've read back on some of my previous posts and although they have been quite negative and self conceited lately, i still have that little bit of positivity and optimism which shines through.

forever thankful for all the good things in my present life. in a world where myself and society (especially in a first world country) always seem to want more and more, it's important to make reflections like this and focus on everything in the now.

[blogofageminimoon]

solo dates.

after my class session at work yesterday, i was feeling the beautiful weather so i decided to check out 2 places to grab a bite to eat!

firstly, i went to a chinese solo dining themed restaurant which has been on my eats list. i loved the concept and it was such a relaxing experience. you really got to enjoy your own solitude while enjoying a comforting meal. i got a warm, hearty, spicy minced crispy pork soup. it was delish! just wished it was more spicy and piping hot temperature wise. service was quick and efficient.

afterwards, i walked by to a nearby cafe which sells a viral iced tiramisu latte and lots of sweet treats. i got a pinwheel croissant with such a yummy pistachio, white chocolate ganache filling. and of course i got that tiramisu latte. if it's tiramisu, i just gotta have it. it's my favourite dessert / dessert flavour of all time. i was obsessed! would definitely go back and try some of their other desserts! quite pricy for what you get but i deserved a treat yesterday.

i had a great day with myself and now i have 2 food places checked off my bucket list. go on those solo dates! who's stopping you? love yourself <3 .

[blogofageminimoon]

LYRICISM #8: jealousy, jealousy - olivia rodrigo

been feeling lots of fomo lately and i've been comparing my life to other people and their experiences. i've been in a low, insecure mood lately and i hate it. i'm trying to hop back on my optimistic, happy go lucky train of thoughts. these shitty feelings come and go; sometimes i feel like the queen of the world! but time to reflect and let it out.

i kinda wanna throw my phone across the room / cause all i see are girls too good to be true / with paper white teeth and perfect bodies / wish i didn't care instagram; the platform of fake perfection. it's not a great place for pure, genuine, raw content because it's practically nonexistent on there. all you see is society's ideal concept of perfection. sometimes i wish i didn't care, but i can't help but feel that way here and there.

co-comparison, is killing me slowly / i think, i think too much / bout kids who don't know me / i'm so sick of myself / i'd rather be, rather be / anyone, anyone else / my jealousy, jealousy started following me comparing yourself to others can be inevitable, especially with everything we are fed from society, our peers, and social media. if you let it take over, it can literally eat away at your life and you feel like you're dying. jealousy can be hard to get off your back and it hits hard on your self esteem.

and i see everyone getting all the things i want / and i'm happy for them, but then again i'm not / just cool vintage clothes and vacation photos / i can't stand it, oh god i sound crazy this is probably what i've been feeling most jealous and insecure of lately. i have lots of aspirations and wants in the future, pertaining to travel and just experiencing life. i want to experience as much as i can and travel the world! i want to try so many new activities. but the problem is that i have barriers. no one to go with, friends not having enough money (they're still in school and don't have full time jobs), they don't like the idea of thrilling activities like i do, they don't like people or crowds so they won't go with me, my parents are old so these activities aren't suitable for them. meanwhile, my coworkers and old acquaintances from high school are all going on lavish trips twice to thrice a year. going out to bars and clubs, going hiking, spa days, exotic vacations in europe, asia, the states. meanwhile i haven't been out of the country. i'm glad they're having an amazing time, but what about me? i want that too.

their win is not my loss / i know it's true / but i can't help getting caught in it all everyone has their own wins and their own losses. they're all different. i know just because i'm not thriving in that same sense as other people, it doesn't mean i'm lacking. I KNOW THAT. it's just hard not feeling that way, especially with everything all around you.

all your friends are so cool, you go out every night / in your daddy's nice car, yeah you're living the life / got a pretty face, pretty boyfriend too / i wanna be you so bad, and i don't even know you / happier, prettier, jealousy, jealousy / all i see is what i should be / i'm losing it, all i get's / jealousy jealousy this bridge really said for you. sometimes i see mutuals of people i know or different influencers. i literally don't know you but i see your content and your life, and i want it. it makes my mind whirl and go crazy and then i get so restless and frustrated. it makes me wanna scream ahhhhhGHHHHHH.

all in all, yes i get jealous. i'm grateful for what i have in my life and i know these things i want are superficial. i can't help feeling how i feel sometimes. i hope i can have some of them someday. anyways that's the end of my rant. i'm ready just to move on, take a deep breath, and just focus on myself and live the life i'm meant to live. (although who knows, maybe tomorrow i'll get in a rut again lol)

[blogofageminimoon]

LYRICISM #7: now that we don't talk - taylor swift

you grew your hair long / you got new icons / and from the outside / it looks like you're trying lives on you haven't seen your old friend in a long time. online, you see the visible changes and it looks like your old friend is putting on fake facades.

i miss the old ways / you didn't have to change / but i guess i don't have a say / now that we don't talk the past always holds some nostalgia that we cling onto. people are inevitable to change and there's nothing you can do about it. it leads to distance between friends and you don't talk anymore.

i call my mom, she said that it was for the best / remind myself the more i gave, you'd want me less / i cannot be your friend / so i pay the price of what i lost / and what it cost / now that we don't talk i trust my mom from the bottom of my heart and i confide in her. when i tell her about my broken friendships, she gives me a pep talk and says that i'm better off. i give effort on my end, but it's not reciprocated and you don't want my effort because you want things to go your way. that's why i pushed myself away and i lost all these great memories. i lost future memories that we could've made together. we're both living out separate lives and you're out here living your "influencer life," while i'm enjoying my lowkey, quiet life now that we're not friends anymore.

i don't have to pretend i like acid rock / or that i'd like to be on a mega yacht / with important men who think important thoughts / guess maybe i am better off / now that we don't talk i don't smoke or do drugs. my equivalent of acid rock is probably all your physical activities you want to do just to get a photo or video. now that we're not friends, i don't need to be forced into activities that i don't want even want to do. i don't need to be forced to talk to people who are superficial without any substance or depth to them. i'm better off with my own self and my other friends who share my same values and interests. with people who make me feel like i am heard and that i have a voice.

and the only way back to my dignity / was to turn into shrouded mystery / just like i had been when you were chasing me / guess this is how it has to be / now that we don't talk i had to back off and keep distant to find myself again. when i was your friend, i was simply a people pleaser with no voice who always followed your every move. you chased me because i satisfied your needs. maybe because you thought i was cool and fun. so i pulled a ghost move on you and that's what i had to do to stop myself from going insane. you kept trying to chase afterwards, so i stopped reciprocating because you wouldn't do it for me. and now we cut ties and we no longer talk. the weight off my shoulders has lightened like a feather.

[blogofageminimoon]

"if you could accept that perfection is impossible, what would you stop obsessing over?"

a question from home body by rupi kaur.

my weight

being short

acne and acne scars

being soft spoken

popularity

a perfectly curated life that you see on instagram and pinterest

what it's like having a boyfriend and being in a relationship (bc ya girl is single af)

[blogofageminimoon]

self reflection: friendships in your 20's

i'm 24 years old, turning 25 in november. i've always had the same group of friends since high school and our friendship has extended into our 20's. however, i've cut ties with people within this circle and my friendship group is smaller than before.

one of my old friends is in a long term relationship and whenever we hang out, a lot of our conversations are simply revolved around her bf and our work life. i feel like we don't have much in common anymore. also, there have been times where she brings him out to girls days unannounced or last minute. the way she approaches it is along the lines of "oh hey, btw my bf is coming." or he just happens to be there. it leaves no room for rejection. i'm not a huge fan of her bf but at the same time it's not really my problem. as long as they're happy that's all that matters. at our day and age, i suspect that he is more of a priority in her life which makes sense; because it's a relationship. they could possibly get married. although, i think this distance has shown the lack of reciprocation on her end. as a result, i haven't made much effort in this friendship. there's no bad blood, we're just not as close anymore.

the second friend is one that i've been in a whirlwind with. i've definitely changed as a person from high school compared to now. i think this has been more of a toxic friendship but maybe i was too blind to notice the red flags. or i've possibly changed to the point where i don't tolerate bullshit anymore.

Conversations have to revolve around her. Lately, i've noticed that we could be having a lovely conversation and somehow it always turns back to her or her love/work life. A lot of our conversations have been very repetitive simply because she turns it around to herself. It's just been annoying and she's been lacking substance, making conversations boring.

Peer pressure. This friend has very particular interests and she likes having a good adrenaline rush. She's into a lot of physical activities such as skiing, road trips, sports and going to the gym. When inviting friends for a hangout, a lot of times she asks to do these sorts of activities. Whether myself or our other friends are not interested, unavailable, or whatever.. she always finds a way to fight back. A lot of the time people are pressured to say yes. Or it just comes off as passive aggressive. Back in high school, I think I was more inclined to say yes to these activities. Now, I think that's changed. (Although I do like a fun physical activity here and there). Ultimately, I've noticed whenever we do these activities, she loves taking photos and filming videos for social media. To the point where the activity becomes revolved around that. I feel like that's why I haven't felt like doing these activities, because it feels like we're doing them to be influencers.

Your interests don't matter. Bridging off from the last topic, I could propose going to a restaurant, a food festival, or the beach. A lot of the time she shuts it down. Either says "been there, done that." Or it's boring. Then she goes back to suggest activities such as go karting or a stunt gym. Friendships deserve compromise on activities from both parties. Also, I could just send her a funny meme or something and she'll find a way to roast it. I love Harry Styles so I send her some edits just for funsies and I get hounded for it. Meanwhile she goes off and sends me F1 edits and expects me not to roast it? Girl.

Lack of effort. It has to go her way. She works a 9-5 and I do shift work, so you could see how our schedules don't always align. She's free on weekends, for me it's a hit or miss. I see her post things on social media indicating she's occasionally free on weeknights which tend to work better for me. She asks for a weekend (very last minute, I may add), I tell her I have work. I propose MULTIPLE weeknights or even an alternate weekend? She GHOSTS ME. Doesn't even try to suggest another day.

She's materialistic and finds a way to use people. This aspect kind of made me ghost her for good. With all the previous points I made, 1) I don't text her as much because I'm tired of always talking about her and her life. 2) I've been saying no to hanging out with her because I'm tired of doing activities that only she's interested in. Or just not even doing the activity at all because she's focused on perfect instagram shots. 3) I don't even send her jokes, videos or memes anymore because I know she doesn't care. 4) I stopped reciprocating or making effort to hang out with her because I know she'll shut it down or just leave me hanging out there because my schedule doesn't work for her. Lastly, she's always liked the idea of a rich, bougie life. She finds ways to use people for their resources and what they have. With all these previous aspects, clearly we've distanced ourselves. All of a sudden I get a random text, "hey how are you doing?" I reply, "good hbu?" She says, "i'm good, can i use your lulu discount?" And that sort of ended it for me. I let her use it but I don't think I've really heard from her since. So now I've given up on this friendship. I refuse to message her, I've muted her, I don't plan on ever texting her. Call me salty and petty and vengeful. But I've been through shit and been in a pretty low place (you can see my education and career self reflection entries) and I'm tired of people pleasing. I've been happier than ever in a long time and I'm thriving. So fuck fake friendships.

[blogofageminimoon]

my fig tree.

if i lived in an alternate world, i would be a/an...

violinist

librarian

world traveller

philosopher

astrologist

historian

english teacher

[blogofageminimoon]

instagram is so cringe.

instagram has taken a huge downfall over the past few years. first, they started changing the chronological order of your followers' posts and then they started filtering out peoples' posts. now it's become a money making site and majority of posts you see on your feed are those of influencers.

aside from the analytics, instagram has always been a toxic place. ever since ig stories came to be, people have been posting "highlights" of their best life. their "posts" are the same thing but nowadays people don't post whatever they want. it's all about likes, comments and popularity. whenever i post something, i feel so ick. i cringe at myself. i feel like not many people make posts for fun anymore. it's all about exotic vacations, the it girl life, or the clean girl pinterest look. it feels so ingenuine. that's why i started using my ig flipside more. i feel like i can be authentic there. i only have my closest friends on there too.

ultimately, i don't even like ig that much anymore. tiktok is my safe place and i love scrolling through my fyp as it's tailored to what i like. i don't follow any friends on there and i've removed everyone i know personally off my followers. it's refreshing as it's a place just for me and only me. i feel inner peace.

[blogofageminimoon]

self reflection: school & academic validation

growing up, i was a relatively good student with good grades. i met homework deadlines, studied for tests and i cared about my grades. i put in effort.

in high school (gr 11-12), i started to slack off and procrastinate. i was just tired of school. my grades dipped a bit; i was originally getting low 90's on average. i started averaging in the 80's but i did have some tests and classes which were outliers. i sucked at math so that dropped my average. i was so insecure and always compared my grades to the other students with 95%+ averages. i watched a lot of studying pages on youtube. i aspired to have cute handwritten notes and stationary and planners and all that. don't think it helped me with productivity. i think i was pressured to do well because of my peers and my family. i used those youtube videos as "motivation" but i think they just made me more stressed and insecure.

in university, my grades dropped to 70-80's on average since the content was harder and i continued to procrastinate. when i studied, i studied hard, but not "smart." no wonder why my grades weren't what i expected them to be. i did not reassess where i could do better when i received low marks. i was running through a constant flat line. no progress. also, i had no social life which got me nowhere. i just ended up with mediocre grades.

i'm post grad and my views on education have changed so much. i'm over trying so hard to the point where your mental health declines. i also hate the school system and studying things you aren't passionate about, especially in high school. i enjoy self learning at my own pace but i don't think i want to go back into the formal education system anytime soon. a lot of my old peers in my cohort are on to getting their master's degrees right now. deep down, i do feel some pressure to get mine but i can't even get my master's if i wanted to. i never networked in school and i don't have any academic references. although at this point, i don't think i even want to do a master's degree and experience that deja vu. the craving of academic validation. similarly to my self reflection: career post, i'm over planning for the future. i'm going with the flow.

i'm still passionate about life and learning. although, i think i just want to take it at my own pace. it's also more fun when i engage in topics i'm interested in. all that matters is that i finished school, i got my degree, and i have a full time job which i'm happy with. so fuck school, fuck good grades, fuck the comparison, and fuck the competition of being the best of the best. i'm just getting by and trying to focus on bigger and better things.

[blogofageminimoon]

LYRICISM #6: little freak - harry styles

one of my favourite songs on harry's house.

i'm not worried about where you are / or who you will go home to / i'm just thinking about you this song makes me think of my childhood crush. he will always be the first person i ever fell in love with. i moved on a long time ago and we went on our separate paths after graduating elementary school. although, i'm in my 20's and even now i just wonder how he's doing and what's going on in his life. not out of worry or insecurity, but just curiosity. i hope he's well and doing ok. i hope he's happy.

tracksuit and a ponytail / you hide the body all that yoga gave you i'm in a lot of casual wear most of the time. i tie my hair back a lot. let's just say i feel most comfortable in loose clothing.

red wine and a ginger ale / but you would make fun of me for sure uncommon tastes or interests that you're judged for. aren't these differences what make us unique? i hate how people make fun of things you love or enjoy. that's what excites us and makes us happy. also, i really want to try red wine mixed in ginger ale now. (*note to self)

jumped in feet first and i landed too hard / broken ankle, karma rules / you never saw my birthmark when i fall, i go all in. i make the first move and i put myself out there. sometimes it's too much and i get hurt along the way. guess i got my karma. he never got to see my intimate side or my vulnerabilities.

[blogofageminimoon]

wanderlust.

the world is so big out there that i feel like i'm in a little bubble in my hometown. i've only been to quebec city for a middle school trip which is simply an out of province trip for me. i'm canadian. there's so much i haven't seen and i've never been out of the country.

seeing my friends, family and coworkers going on international trips, hearing travel stories, watching tiktoks, seeing ig stories... i just have so much fomo. most prominently, i feel it among my coworkers. everyone is always taking time off and going on vacations.

there is so much i want to see out there in the world. if i had all the money and time in the world, i would go everywhere. i don't have a passport, which is an easy fix. although, arranging travel plans aren't always easy. right now, it's not realistic for me to travel since all my friends are in different stages of their lives financially and career wise. due to family circumstances, i can't go anywhere with my parents. i could do a solo trip but it's scary considering i've never been out of my hometown on my own.

i hope one day i can get out of this country. i just want to explore other places, visit historic sites, learn about cultures, and try lots of cuisines. p.s. i'm going to montreal this summer with my friends which i'm excited for. it's all we can do right now considering our various life factors. although, i'm still kind of sad that it's not an out of country trip. maybe someday.

some places i want to visit (although i'd go everywhere if i could): - canada (where i'm from); banff, vancouver, PEI, nova scotia, calgary - europe; france, spain, portugal, greece, netherlands, switzerland, england, scotland - asia; philippines, japan, korea, thailand, singapore - the us; nyc, la, maine, boston, vegas, florida, hawaii - africa; egypt, morocco, south africa - central & south america; costa rica, el salvador, brazil, peru, argentina, chile

i'll keep dreaming. only time will tell where we go from here. <3

[blogofageminimoon]

LYRICISM #3, 4, & 5: lacy, heather, & pretty isn't pretty (olivia rodrigo & conan gray)

i'm going to call this the holy trinity. this trio of songs encompasses a lot of the same key ideas and messages. also olivia and conan? iconic besties! also a sag-pisces duo! love them <3

LACY - olivia rodrigo ooh, i care, i care, i care / like perfume that you wear / i linger all the time / watching, hidden in plain sight lacy is essentially the IT girl. the girl who you aspire to be as she seems to be the prettiest and has everything you want. it's like you as the third person are always standing on the bleachers watching and hanging around lacy as she gets everything. you don't want to care but you do. my stomach's all in knots / you got the one thing that i want lacy always gets the guy of your dreams. it's as if your crush would never notice you because you're just the girl on the side. never pretty enough, never smart enough, never popular enough. it sucks because you want to experience love with that specific person but you can't because lacy has it.

people are people / but it's like you're made of angel dust that random person you see on the street or everyone in the subway.. they're just ordinary people. but lacy is ethereal. you don't know how but it's like she's literally a goddess and she embodies that standard ideal of perfection that you know you will never have. she's beautiful like angel dust and that's something that's literally unreal. it's like she's a fantasy.

lacy oh lacy, i just loathe you lately / and i despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you / yeah i despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you this is the constant battle in your head that you're fighting against. your negative thoughts. lacy hasn't done anything wrong. the problem is you, me. ourselves, myself. whatever. we feel this vengeance, loathing and jealousy towards lacy because she's perfect and has everything. as a result, we beat ourselves up for thinking that way (that she's perfect and were not) because it's stupid. but that's just how we feel.

HEATHER - conan gray what a sight for sore eyes / brighter than the blue sky / she's got you mesmerized / while i die heather & lacy are equivalents. in this case, heather has the dream guy. she's absolutely beautiful and your mans is absolutely hooked on her. and in the inside, it feels like you're dying because that's not you and will never be you.

but you like her better / i wish i were heather but how could i hate her? she's such an angel / but then again kinda wish she were dead similarly to lacy, you're experiencing the same jealousy and longing to be like heather so you can get your dream man instead. oh.. how it would feel to finally feel like you're enough for once. but if you were heather, it seems like all your problems would be solved. if she were gone, would it be an issue?

PRETTY ISN'T PRETTY - olivia rodrigo when pretty isn't pretty enough, what do you do? / and everybody's keeping it up, so you think it's you / i could change up my body and change up my face / i could try every lipstick in every shade / but i'd always feel the same no matter how much you try, it's like you're never pretty enough. you could try all the new makeup, follow all the fashion trends, get the perfect hairdo and you still feel ugly. it doesn't help and it doesn't change how you feel at the core.

and i try to ignore it, but it's everything i see / it's on the poster on the wall, it's in some shitty magazine / it's in my phone, it's in my head, it's in the boys i bring to bed / it's all around, it's all the time, i don't know why i even try as much as you try to get this negative mindset out of your head, it's hard. especially in this modern day and age where beauty ideals are everywhere. social media, the papers, billboards, your peers. it's really hard to escape. you could shut all of these things out but it still finds some way to haunt you and it trickles through the cracks.

i chased some dumb ideal my whole fucking life / and none of it matters and none of it ends / you just feel like shit over and over again this is a vicious and endless cycle. over and over again, you try and try and try and nothing ever changes. the ideal beauty standard (especially in westernized society) is that you need to be thin and tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big butt, plump lips. you will never fit that image because that's not your body. i remember as a kid, i wanted a blonde haired wig to make me feel like i was pretty like barbie and hannah montana. looking back, that's so sad that i thought that as a child.

in conclusion, beauty standards suck. i still don't think i'll ever feel 100% satisfied in my skin & body because there's just something new that will pop up and make me feel like shit. but i'm trying. if anything, i think i've developed more self confidence with my looks and personality over the past years. maybe i'll post a self reflection on that another time. but thanks to olivia & conan for making songs that are relatable to listen to. they really said FOR YOU. i'm sure others feel this way too.

[blogofageminimoon]

sunshine is the best medicine!

today is one of those days where i don't have any specific plans. i have the freedom to whatever i want. so i did some basic, simple things:

spent time reading my book

planned my work schedule

watched some youtube videos

listened and jammed out to some music

renewed my library books

basically some "errands" and random bits. but you have 24 hours in a day and sometimes the day just drags by. i was bored. i looked out the window and the sun was out and shining. it's 17 degrees. it looked beautiful! also there was a huge thunderstorm that was to be forecasted for tonight. so i said fuck it, let's put my shoes on and go out for a walk.

oh boy it was gorgeous outside! sweater weather, bright and sunny, and a nice spring breeze. absolutely perfect. lately my hometown had some on and off bipolar weather. it's been cloudy, gloomy, cold and rainy. every time the sun would come out, the next day the weather would be awful. today actually felt like spring was here.

i missed these long walks. no plans on where to go, just wherever i felt like in the moment. i walked by the park across my house, cut through a street i never walked by before. i even saw a house with f-holes that reminded me of my violin. i saw people going for their daily jog, others walking their dog, kids playing outside at school, and ladies walking by having a chat. i was out for about an hour. no music, no companions. just me enjoying the outside, the nature and my solitude.

on the way home, i saw a man painting his fence outside his home. he was painting it black (edgy!) and playing hey ho by the lumineers. perfect for the beautiful weather. i felt like a hot girl on a hot girl walk just going about and enjoying my day.

now that i'm home, i'm reminiscing on my mood change before i stepped out the door. no regrets! i feel great! i can't wait for the spring & summer weather and all the perks that come along with it! the outdoor festivals, brunches, picnics, beach days, sports days, walks in parks, iced drinks, seeing friends... just all of it!

sunshine truly is the best medicine. :)

[blogofageminimoon]

self reflection: career

i graduated from my nursing undergrad in 2021. wrote my board exam, passed and started applying to jobs. i applied to my dream hospital & specialty, made it to final interviews and i was completely shattered when i didn't get the job. i literally thought my life was over. i ended up getting a job at another hospital in my dream specialty which was nice. i wasn't that proud of myself at the time. i just told myself that i'd just stick around for a bit and use this experience to leverage myself when i reapply to my dream hospital in the future. that's fair game for anyone who doesn't get their dream job.

so here i am at my first big girl job. the first few months were decent and i was satisfied. i was mostly just getting used to the flow of things but after the first four months, things started to go downhill. we were entering the winter months where viral season is at its peak, meaning lots of people are getting sick and hospital activity is getting busier. i started to realize that my unit had very limited staff and resources compared to larger units or larger hospitals. it was evident when our unit was forced to take more patients than we could handle. we had to work short staffed a lot of these times as well. furthermore, we had to take off service patients which was an absolute nightmare.

the work conditions were one thing but the overall unit culture started to show its true colours the longer i was there. i wouldn't say a lot of it was directed at me per say, but i've never encountered so much gossip in a workplace, especially among senior staff. i was very quiet at work as i didn't want to get on anyone's bad side or engage in gossip. work is work after all. what shocked me even more was upper management. the hostility and violence from the leadership team made me feel very inferior, especially as someone who's considered "lower" compared to their overall rank in the hospital. at this point i was about half a year into my career and i was miserable. i dreaded going to work, i cried a lot in the shower post shift, and i literally started looking at other job postings on my lunch breaks and during my commutes to and from work. i was not happy and i couldn't stand being there. going into this job, i told myself i'd stay for a minimum of two years, just to have some experience under my belt but i knew for my own sanity that i needed to leave.

eventually, my dream hospital released some new job postings and i was actually hesistant in reapplying. my ego was still crushed and i was still hurt from the rejection. i felt like it was too soon for me to redeem myself and i was scared but i ended up submitting an application. i was absolutely desperate at this point. although i applied to the same hospital, i applied to a different unit at this time and i ended up getting the job!! i was so ecstatic and proud of myself!! let's just say things moved quickly after that. i resigned from my old job and prepared to transition into my new role. not only was it a new role, it was finally the DREAM JOB that i wanted in the first place.

fast forward to 2024, i'm still at my so called "dream hospital." it's been a year and a half into my new career. i'm definitely in a much happier state. although, i learned a lot during this journey.

Work somewhere that makes you happy. You are not obligated to stay at a job that is destroying your mental health. I think throughout the course of my life, I've developed a set of values that basically translated to "suck it up." You're going through shit? Deal with it. Although sometimes it's fine to deal with it, I think there are some circumstances where you should go against the status quo and do what you think is right for your own sake and wellbeing. I was not happy and it wouldn't have benefitted me in the long run if I sucked it up at my old job.

Right place, wrong time. Not everything is always meant to be and this happens for a reason. Maybe I wasn't meant to start at my dream hospital as a new grad. Who knows? I applied for the neuro trauma unit the first time around. I ended up on the transplant unit just because there wasn't a posting for the neuro trauma unit. Why wasn't there a posting there? Maybe I wasn't meant to be on neuro trauma. The world works in a funny away. Although I can say I really like my unit right now. Also, I found it quite overwhelming starting on the transplant unit despite the experience I had from my old job. I think I would've struggled as a new grad if I started at my dream hospital since I didn't have any prior experience there.

In the eyes of a company, you are replaceable. Get rid of that "dream company" ideal. A day after i sent my resignation letter to my manager, the job posting immediately went up for my position. Just like that, with the snap of a finger. As much as you add value to a company, you're just another name, another person. They don't really care about you. As long as someone fills up that position, they're good and that's that.

Work conditions and your relationships with your colleagues are SO important. I always had this mindset that you should just go to work and go home and that's that. Screw socializing, screw work events. Just do your job and go home. It actually makes a huge difference when you have people you work with who you trust and get along with. They are the people there with you side by side and they're the only ones who truly understand your work dilemmas. Especially in nursing. Also, it's important to work somewhere with safe conditions for their employees and their clients (in this case the patients). It's not just about good money, all these other factors are important as well.

You don't need to plan your exact career move and have the next big thing lined up. The "20 year plan" or so they call it. Scrap it. In nursing school, I planned to graduate, pass my boards, get my dream job at my dream hospital and call it the end of the day. Clearly, things took a big UNPREDICTABLE turn. Now, I'm just winging it and going with the flow. Yes, I'm at my "dream hospital," but I realized that's besides the point. What matters is that I work at a place where I'm happy. Yes there are other perks and quirks like money, good colleagues, good working conditions, etc. But my mental health has never been better right now. I have my ups and downs but looking back at 2021, I've climbed a mountain!! What's next in my career? I don't know, I like where I am now. Maybe I'll get bored or want to try something new but for now I'm just going to enjoy it and we'll see where the road takes me!!