#(Okay the fluffier ones will come tomorrow bc i am exhausted)

[starstaiined]

Memories

SUMMARY: All Kat ever wanted was a normal life. A life unhindered by the trauma she faced, a life where raised voices didn’t send her heart racing, a life where any accidental contact with strangers didn’t violently thrust her into memories she would give anything to forget. But as more and more memories of past lives begin to surface on top of her existing trauma, that dream seems to move farther and farther away. Suddenly the weight of worlds settled on fragile shoulders, and then the cost of escaping it all didn’t seem so high...

TW: Sexual abuse, anxiety attack, depression, suicidal ideation

TAGGING : @tonight-we-are-live (bc ur the one who asked for angst tonight)

   Hands inched up her thigh, and she didn’t move. Couldn’t move. Katherine laid still, petrified, as the man hovering above her whispered an array of words she couldn’t process. His face, half hidden by shadows, seemed to shift endlessly. First, it was Mannox. His lips twitched into a too sharp smile, which stayed in place even as the rest of his face changed. Some dude with long blonde hair and striking blue eyes came next, a memory from a different life she was sure. Another man, this time with stubble which scratched the side of her face when he leaned close. “I love you so much, Katherine.” When he pulled back, he had changed again. This time it was Dereham’s face. His eyes darkened and shifted to a brown so dark it was nearly black, his nose so small it was nearly non existent. After a few more seconds of shifting, it finally settled on him. Thomas Culpeper. “I love you, Katherine.” As he smiled up at her, she finally managed to scream. His hand shot forward, covering her mouth roughly. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” He squeezes so tightly she’s sure her jaw is going to bruise, and her eyes burn with tears...

   And suddenly Katherine shoots awake in bed. She’s covered in sweat, her heart pumping harder than it did after a show. She can’t stop the sob that escapes her throat, a stifled thing that gets stuck halfway through and comes out as an almost whine. Anne shifts in the bed next to her. It takes everything in Kat to hold in the building storm. She doesn’t want to wake her cousin, or the other queens. She doesn’t want to bother them. Quiet as her namesake, she slips on a pair of slippers and creeps out of the room. She needs out. The walls of the house are suddenly stifling, and without pausing to so much as grab a sweater she disappears through the arched doorway. 

   The winter air nips painfully at her exposed skin, but in truth it helps ground her. If she focus on the pain of the cold, then she doesn’t have to think about the images filling her head. Memories, memories, memories. They came back slowly, each one materializing like smoke over an extinguished candle, wrapping around her and dragging her further and further away from recovery. In some ways, it was almost funny: she’d lived hundred of different lives in hundreds of different places, yet the story was always the same. She couldn’t escape it even if she tried. (And oh, how she tried.) She let out a scoff at that, running a hand roughly through her hair. The cold isn’t keeping her thoughts at bay any longer, and if she thinks about them for another second she’ll end up crying. As is, tears prick the edges of her eyes. She rubs at them roughly, and makes a decision. Run. It starts off as a jog, but it builds and soon she’s flying down the sidewalks and turning corners at full speed, the feel of her feet pumping underneath her cathartic. 

   She ran until her aching muscles couldn’t move anymore, at which point she all but collapsed on a park bench. Kat was sure of one thing: she was thoroughly lost. She’d spent the last hour running, not paying attention to where she turned. It’s only now that she regrets that choice. She wants to go home...she wants to talk to Anne and hug Jane and laugh with Anna. She could call them, they would come and find her and...and you’d wake them up for your own selfish reasons. A little voice in the back of her mind finished; it’s that voice that makes her hand freeze in place. Always so needy. Always tugging at their sleeves and making them bend to your will. It’s all about Kat, isn’t it? The voice continues to prod, and Kat’s hands begin to shake. She curls them into fists, letting her nails bite into her palm, but it does nothing to ease the voice this time. It’s why Mannox could never love you. It’s why Dereham left. It’s why Henry was always angry. You ask for too much, Katherine. You are too much. They would be better off without you. 

   Some part, deep down, protests. But the rest of her is all too willing to accept what the voice said. After all, it was true. If she wasn’t around, they wouldn’t have to tread so lightly around her. She remembered the time Jane has squeezed her shoulder gently after they’d first met, before they were close, remembered the way the sudden and unexpected contact has caused Kat to spiral into an anxiety attack. Her stomach rolls at the memory. It had been a kind gesture, but she’d overreacted. She remembers suddenly the way Jane had spent the next couple of weeks apologizing. After that incident, Jane had never looked at her the same way. None of them had. They handled her with kid gloves, always soft and kind and understanding, but also wary. Cautious. As if they were scared that if they said or did something wrong, Kat would shatter. What she hated most was that they were right. The smallest thing could send her hurtling back to a different time and leave her trembling and unable to speak. She loathed herself in that moment. Everyone else spent so much time and energy making sure she was okay, if she just disappeared things would be so much easier on them. 

   In an almost trance, she rises and begins to wander. She’s disconnected from reality at this point. When she reaches the bridge, the idea slips into her mind. In truth...it’d been there longer than she cared to admit. But now....now it’s real. It’s like watching a show happen on the television. Kat watches her hands grab onto the railing, watches as she swings her legs over and sits on the side. Her feet dangle precariously over the rushing river below. All she had to do was lean forward just a little and ... 

   Her phone rang. She ignored it. It rang again. And again. Finally, she reaches for it with shaking fingers. She answers it, and Jane’s worried voice comes bursting to life. “Kitty, where are you?” 

  “I don’t know.” Kat answered, her voice sounding dead to her own ears. 

  She can hear shuffling on the other end of the phone, and mumbled words she can’t quite catch. (Not that she’s trying. She’s too numb to try.) 

  “Kit, honey, are you okay?” She can hear the rising concern in Jane’s tone, and it makes something stir in her chest. But as quickly as the feeling surfaced, it’s gone. She shrugged, not answering Jane’s question. 

  She can hear scuffling on the other end, and when the next question comes it’s Anne’s voice. “Kat, babe, do you remember the time we went ice skating?” That story had always drawn a groan or a protest out of Kat, but this time she gives no response. If Anne is worried, she doesn’t let it show. She continues on rambling about various memories, Jane chiming in occasionally. Kat doesn’t laugh....but she doesn’t hang up either. 

  Eventually, however, she hears her name being called. She turns and looks to find....Anna, Cathy, and Catherine. The looks on their faces — horror, panic, and fear — finally snaps Kat out of her haze. She realizes what she was about to do. Tears well in her eyes, and her mouth opens to provide an excuse, a defense, anything, but nothing comes out. 

  Anna is the first to speak. “Kitty, can you come off the ledge, please? Slowly, please be careful.” 

  Kat listens, and once her feet are on solid ground she’s enveloped by the other three queens. 

  “Jesus Christ, Kat, you’re freezing.” Aragon huffed, pulling off her sweater and wrapping it around the younger girl. 

  The sudden warmth made her realize just how cold she’d been. Slowly, she manged to croak out a question. “How did...how did you guys find me?” 

  Cathy answered, slowly, as they walked her back to the car. “We traced your phone. Anne and Jane were supposed to keep you on the line while we went out to pick you up.” The drive home is in silence. 

  When they finally reach the house, Anne nearly crushes her in a hug. The other three queens quietly talk to Jane about what they’d found while Anne fussed over her younger cousin. Then, they switched. Jane fussed over Kat while Aragon talked to Anne. 

   Cathy had disappeared into the kitchen to make hot cocoa, and Anna had dug around until she found some of Kat’s favorite movies. While Aragon talked to Anne, Jane had buried a shivering Katherine in a pile of blankets.

   Once everyone finished their tasks, they reconvened on the couch. Kat sat at the center of the rest of the girls, five pairs of eyes trained on her. finally, Anne broke the silence. 

  “Kit, you know you can always talk to us, right?” It was soft, perhaps softer than she had ever heard Anne go before. 

  Kitty let out a shaky breath, looking down. “I didn’t want to bother you.” 

  “You are never bothering us, Kat. Especially not when it comes to something like memories.” Anna whispered, squeezing her hand gently. 

Cathy nodded. “Good, or bad, we’re here. You don’t have to deal with everything alone. No one expects you to, Kat.” 

“You already deal with so much. I’m ... I’m a handful, and-” 

“And we all have two hands.” Aragon interrupted, her voice gentle. “You help us with our issues, Kat, and we’re here to help with yours. And nothing will ever change that.”

“Besides,” Jane added, pulling the youngest girl in close and pressing a soft kiss to her forehead, “We do it because we love you, Kitty.” 

Love had always been a dangerous word. Her entire life, the word had been mangled and twisted and corrupted to reflect the worst version of itself. But amidst the tangle of limbs and careful concern, Katherine realized that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t always so bad. 

[dottie-wan-kenobi]

UHHH THE FIC I WISH YOU WOULD WRITE?? Deadass just.... roy and dick hanging out There is a severe lack of fics with them and i just live for your writing in general

thank you so much, that means the world to me 🥺🥺🥺!!! and ohhhhh that would be a lot of fun!!! and this isn’t a fic exactly, just a bunch of headcanons, but still let me preface by saying I haven’t read a lot of their comics so this would all be considered AU probably! AND THIS GOT SO LONG OH MY GOD im not sorry but WOW I got way off track lmao

I can see them doing a lot of different things lol, like when they’re younger I think they’d play hacky sack and arm wrestle and stuff but also I think there would be a lot of nights spent at one or the other’s place, laying under blankets with popcorn and their favorite movies on. I like the thought that either it’s a movie they both love, Their Movie(tm), or it’s multiple ones that only one likes and the other hates but can recite word for word bc they’ve seen it so many times. idk why but I’m picturing Stuart Little dkjfhkjdsah do w that what you will. I also don’t know if this is like a Thing or not but I love the idea of them together at galas. hiding under tables w their PSPs or DSes, trying to be quiet but everything is funnier there, and they overhear all kinds of shit that maybe they shouldn’t but THEY’RE BASICALLY 12 ANYWAY that’s almost a teenager and teenagers can watch R rated movies soooooo!!! and omgggg imagine the superheroing antics. when they’re training together, I think they’d throw trash talk around and at first they aren’t sure where to stop so some feelings are hurt. but the more they work together, the easier it is to tell what’s a joke and where the line is and stuff. they would absolutely practice their aim with nerf/water guns. someone says that they, the ones in the Titans without the powers, are useless and both get absolutely pissed because the other is SO IMPORTANT TO THE TEAM IN THESE WAYS *proceeds to list 27 reasons and doesn’t think to defend self*

when they’re a little older, like teenagers, I think they’d have a lot of fun working together on cases. they’d butt heads but eventually it would be kind of instinctual, like okay Dick will take the lead on this case and Roy will be in charge for this one, and they won’t have to think before doing something that depends on the other because they just know what the other is going to do before they do it. if that makes sense. across the room at Superhero Meetings, they’re making faces/mouthing stuff at each other making inside jokes. Bruce is like “can you please stop.” and they say at the same time, “I have no idea what you mean.” they spar a lot, and continue the time honored tradition of hacky sack and arm wrestling when they’re bored. they always go to each other for advice. when one of them needs a break from life, they just show up at the other’s place. (Ollie, many times: “Bruce? Yeah your gremlin is here. ... Yes I called him a gremlin what are you gonna do about it. My son is making him feel better. ... We’ll have him home by tomorrow afternoon.”) and Dick definitely, 10000% asks Roy if he’d like to join the Titans again, and is sad when Roy says no. they also know exactly how the other likes a lot of foods, like Dick likes his coffee w tons of milk/cream, and Roy likes Hawaiian pizza, and how much is Too Much Mustard, etc etc

as for when they’re adults,,,,,,,,,, this is kind of dumb tbh but them just??? sitting together in silence/quiet music? doing paperwork? they’re not talking or anything, but they aren’t alone either, and once they’re done they’re going to hang but didn’t want to wait???? I love that. I love them having sleepovers as kids, not so much as teens, and then having them again (bc they were comforting, and bc they trust each other so much, and bc they want to stay up all night eating pizza and playing chubby bunny again). speaking of, they meet up and eat pizza together sometimes. I can decide if it’s better like, they’re in disguise? they’re obviously themselves? they’re in costume??? idk I love all of it. they have Shows and they probably try to go on missions together bc Roy is NOT waiting 2 months to watch the next episode absolutely not. they prank each others’ siblings, and by that I mean I’m picturing Roy and Connor (Conner? idk how to spell his name I’m sorry dkjfsdahh) hanging out and Dick pranks him in a way that Connor would IMMEDIATELY assume was Roy, but Roy is right there. within sight the whole time. (C: “what is this bullshit, a shapeshifter?”) 

when they’re like ADULTS adults... training kids together and reassuring the ones without powers that they’re just as capable, and cracking jokes that got old TWENTY YEARS AGO, DICKOLAS. (Roy is still laughing tho. don’t be fooled.) leading the Justice League together I’m 🥺🥺🥺 and ugh oh my god I’m having parents feelings lemme just

obviously they raise Lian together lmao this isn’t a question. holy fuck imagine them tucking Lian into bed at night. reading/telling her five stories (even tho Roy says 2 is really enough, but she just loves the voices they make and how Dick acts stuff out so muchhhh she doesn’t want it to end) before going to bed themselves. staying up to lay on the couch, on top of each other, and be like “WOW she’s adorable but I am so exhausted.” again w the shows but it’s always reruns of like Fresh Prince. they have a stash of food Lian can’t eat, like sugary cheat stuff, and sit at the table holding hands while they eat them. they are the most embarrassing parents ever oh my god they go to as many of Lian’s school events as they can and take videos and actually go back and watch them??? even though they were there??????? Donna comes over and is treated to a viewing of every single award Lian has ever won, which are displayed on the walls. I also have this headcanon Roy has to get glasses when he’s older, like in his 40s, and I think Dick would spend a lot of time helping him look for them lmao. please also imagine them dying their gray hairs together. standing in the bathroom, shirtless, laughing at how silly they look and also how the gray looks REALLY GOOD are you sure you want to dye it. I’m also losing my shit at the thought of them having chairs like !!! this is so domestic but there’s Roy’s Chair, which is soft and has a high back and pops out/reclines so he can chill, and there’s Dick’s Chair which is softer/fluffier, wider and smaller in the back, and it doesn’t recline but it does have huge armrests bc Dick sits sideways so he can look at both Roy and the TV. (they sit in these chairs with their grandkids and fall asleep in them all the time and they are perfectly apart so that they can hold hands comfortably.)

I’m also having NSFW ideas as well but this is already so much?????????

send me a “I wish you would write a fic where…”!!