#(I'm talking about the whole “searching for the trauma that justifies her feelings” thing she said in that one teen talk)

[babacontainsmultitudes]

Been thinking about the debate scene and how differently Scary chanting "our dads suck" (with Norm) hits now that we know which dad she was probably talking about.

[illnessfaker]

i have complicated feelings on "transabled" because well when you first google it what comes up is "body integrity identity disorder" which like that conversation brings up a whole mess of things irt bodily autonomy and anti-psychiatry. i don't think "transabled" is the a good way of articulating that kind of highly complex situation wherein those discussions are relevant though.

but that's different than like searching the same term on tumblr and getting the "transdyslexic flag" where it's like uh okay yes psychiatric diagnostic categories certainly are not these immutable things but that does not mean that simply desiring to have dyslexia and saying you wish you were dyslexic creates any meaningful change with anything nor does it meaningfully change your actual relationship to dyslexia as a psychiatric diagnosis.

this is hard to articulate but the best way of summarizing it is that people keep trying to equate shit to how gender functions just bc it's socially-constructed (like race and "transracial" stuff, when not referring to the term used by transracial adoptees) when just bc gender, disability, age (apparently), and race are socially-constructed doesn't mean they all function the same way.

i'm reminded of that one woman on r/illnessfakers where her situation got to the point where the tissue on her legs was fucking necrotizing. like at that point it does not fucking matter if she had a desire to be disabled/sick when previously not being sick she very much became disabled/sick, and that's only if she was in fact "faking" things. like we're talking about r/illnessfakers these people are horrible and treat random strangers like spectacles to be gawked at and it isn't justified regardless of whether someone is actually faking a condition. fuck that shit.

i used to wish i had something medically wrong with my legs to justify me being able to use something like a cane or wheelchair or crutches but that was before i knew i did in fact have several things medically wrong with my whole body. even now i can find myself in some sense "wishing" i was sicker because there is a false association in my head that means more support/validation when that absolutely isn't true and it's a wounded younger part of me that thinks that. but that isn't "transabled"-ness these are things that manifest from trauma and because i was medically neglected throughout my childhood and thought there wasn't anything "actually" wrong with my body when in fact i was born w/ defective muscles and joints in a way that impacts me in very fundamental ways.

like, it's not as if people can't become disabled. it's not as if disability is an immutable category solely located within the body. but not everything works like gender does just because it's also socially constructed category + drawing comparisons or equating certain things to transness is faulty analysis or a really faulty way of understanding these things even in the case of something like body integrity identity disorder and the question of bodily autonomy.

[sheepishmastectomy]

so i can't sleep and i'm thinking about green arrow (1988) which i'm slowly working through & i wanna talk about dinah lance i'm sure other people have written this essay better and more thoughtfully than i will but the search feature on this site is garbage and all the reddits are down justifiably protesting the api shit so here goes

I can see what the author was initially trying to do, when he had Oliver kidnapped and tortured & Dinah rescued him. This was intended to parallel the traumatic incident Dinah experienced in The Longbow Hunters (which I have not read), which she was recovering from at the start of Green Arrow (1988). This is made obvious by the way Oliver was kidnapped, the attack, Dinah killing to save him (I believe? This was unclear to me), and the utilization of the same therapist. He deals with his trauma mostly in issue 33

However, the writer bungled this plotline in a variety of ways. I'm going to start with what I think is less obvious-- while Oliver deals with the trauma & it is very much about him, ultimately both attacks end up having an immense effect on Dinah. Oliver continues on after all of this goes down and is immediately distracted by being screwed over by the US government and then fucking off on a vision quest for a year. The trauma he experienced isn't allowed to have a lasting effect upon him & is instead transmuted into more trauma inflicted upon Dinah.

The arc that Dinah undergoes here does her a great disservice. I understand the story beats they were hitting here, but having her change her mind regarding having children for the very reasons she gave for not wanting them in the first place is mind-boggling. She goes from 'if you die, you will leave an orphan behind, and that's unacceptable-- we shouldn't have children if we're going to be irresponsible with our lives as vigilantes' to 'if you die, you will not leave an orphan behind, and i'll be so sad and lonely, so i need your child'. I get that Ollie was 'uniquely vulnerable' here, but having her reverse course when they have BOTH had countless life threatening experiences doesn't make any sense.

the way they portray it, too, like ollie's FINALLY getting everything he wanted because he just suffered enough in front of dinah-- like this is some big reward for him. (I hate the doorknob thing that recurs throughout the issue)

And then, OF COURSE, they spin this into a fucking infertility arc. Because they're brave enough to screw with her convictions, but they aren't brave enough to show the follow through-- instead they'll hold up Shado as an example of fertility, or whatever-- the woman who was pregnant and gave birth off screen, where she couldn't be unnattractive. Let alone all of the issues with Shado, who deserves so much better than she's been getting-- did they realize how weird it sounds for this super talented Japanese Archeress to be soooo overcome by sadness that she might have gotten Ollie killed that she just had to fuck him (I'm not dignifying the authors justification that this was sexual assault while Ollie was insensate because that was a cheap tactic deployed to absolve Ollie of guilt and wrongdoing in this instance-- he gets to have 'ninja babies' without having cheated on his girlfriend or even chosen to have sex… okay)

(the loss echoes here... lmao)

(dinah has this conversation outside in her underwear for... some fucking reason? i hate it here)

But transforming the trauma of this whole mess into fucking baby fever really pissed me off. There's been quite a few things the authors haven't handled well, but this was??? Rather than have them really and truly process their mirrored traumas and allow them to grieve in ways authentic to their characters, they twist Dinah into this tired infertile woman plot. It feels needlessly cruel-- she didn't want children but now abruptly she does (because you the author decided this) and then she has that yanked out from under her by an injury she apparently never realized was so serious (again because you the author decided this). It feels like she's being punished for ever daring to want to be childfree and responsible, instead of immediately falling over herself to incubate when her male partner wanted a baby.

I'm not even going to get into how when she was left alone by Ollie for a year after that, she waited for him and didn't date or anything. She finally, FINALLY went on a date with a guy & Ollie showed up right then and she kissed him right there??? They fucked immediately??? It's like she lost everything inside to be the perfect little fucktoy for our male lead. (and her cop boyfriend was secretly evil (read doing the same shit she and oliver do all the time) and also killed himself within days of ollie getting back into town so he wouldn't be in the way lmao)

The author responding to the letter columns spent a lot of time justifying his decisions when the debates occurred on them there, but it feels like he over identified with Oliver and made Dinah into a gratification vehicle above all else. Very frustrating given that she was handled fairly well up to that point??? Guess I should've seen the storm brewing with the Shado writing (once again, she deserves SO much better than she gets)

[sainadazai]

When your crush is angry all the time

Ch.5

"I don't think fire's all that bad, you know"

3rd person pov

°•○●○•°•○●○•°

As the sun hung high in the sky the h/t haired girl stumbled around the train station in search of a restroom. Y/n had never experienced the mundane tasks a commoner would usually persue on a daily. Things like public transit, or any transit for that matter, were an enigma to her.

So while elder men stared a little too long and young children pointed at her in recognition, she spun in circles like a lost puppy.

"Its just a fucking bathroom, should there be someone here to direct people or something! Ugh and whats with the school girl fetish, these old guy are creeps..." she mumbled to herself continuing to get more and more lost on the platform.

Meanwhile, the rest of 1-A were making their way to internships as well, Midoriya scrolled into some old guys house, Kirishima bumped into his metal replica, and Bakugou held his grump posture and nonchilauntly entered the top 3 heros agency. He was expecting to at least learn something from this guy, or gain real life experience with villains. He never anticipated being scrutinized for his personality. No shit I'm scary, Im trying to kill shitty villains not make teenage girls put a picture of me on their wall.

For the first day of this new challenged everbody seemed to be having a ridiculously mundane time. Not y/n, though. No our main character was going through it, once she made it to the restroom, she got confused by how easily the toilet paper ripped in her hand and spent 20 minutes trying to get at least one whole time out of the stubborn roll. Then, when she opened up her bag to view the new hero-suot her mother helped design...she found strings¿

She ended up having to look at an example picture and read a guide on how to put what where. It took an additional hour considering the tightness of everpiece of fabric and when she stepped out of the stall to look in the mirror, she deadpanned. How could her mother hate her this much? It was already a burden being so sexy, but this? This was crazy.

She wasnt sure weather she should take a million photos, or never leave the bathroom and cry all day. However when her phone rang, a call from Mr.Woods agency, she realized how late she already must be.

In her rush, y/n also forgot about the creeps men and was recieving many stares, that went unnoticed. Until somebody had the audacity to touch her. It was just a ghost of his finger tips on the underneath of her ass that was no doubt on full display. That would not go accepted, as a girl who had turned her past trauma into nothing but a small personality traits, she wasnt scared. Still, as a woman who absolutely idolizes herself, or so she says, no one in this train station deserved the touch of her perfect, shiny, s/c skin.

The last error that secured her terrible first day was how y/n spun around and grabbed the mans fingertips. When she took a glance at him, he was smiling as if he had acomplished something. Boy was he wrong, only coming to realized so when the y/h girl suddenly had sprouted a vine from his finger.

He watched in fear as it began to grow and wrap around him, all the while the young girl he'd never met before let out a sickening aura that couldve suffocate him then and there. The vine continued to curl up around his middle and ring finger, slowly meeting the flash of his palm.

Once the growing stopped, y/n had almost decided to let him go. A part of her new that her plan wasn't well thought through, and he could be an innocent guy that accidentally touched her.

However, aggression outwayed logic and she looked him deep in the eye.

"You like using these fingers to touch things your not supposed to?"

"N-n-"

"Shhh, dont worry, im just gonna make sure you dont go touching things that arnt yours, okay?" She made an aggresive fist with the hand not touching him and the vine squeezed in. Anyone a foot away would be able to tell, but the both of them could hear how his two fingers snapped and bent under the pressure.

With a satisfied grin at the whispering man, y/n decided he had learned his lesson. Wow look at that, and I didnt even need some manly hero to come save me. Atta girl y/n.

Little did she know that not only did her pro-hero boss come to look for her, but je also saw the whole disaster. He was not pleased to say the least.

Y/n pov

°•○●○•°•○●○•°

As the tree like man sat down in his office chair across from me, all I could do was look to my feet. I didnt feel particularily had about my actions, however, I did feel bad about being late.

While it is fun to be spontanious and act like theres nothing to lose, I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to control the earth aspect of my quirk. Ill never admit it if someone asks, but sometimes the only way I can sleep at night is knowing how strong my quirk is. Knowing that they cant hurt me if I stay strong.

Still, it just seems that as I grow older, the people trying to get to be get bolder and more powerful. Some might even say...they get smarter, too. Thats a scary thought; that if I want to stay alive at all I need to be constantly improving. I am not sure if I want to stay alive or not, but Ill be damned if dying or living isnt my choice.

Feeling the need to break the silence, I began my rant on all the reasons I had come up with that justify my actions. I was planning it on the way out here.

"Look, im sorry mr.woods. I know im not very heroic and shit, but when perverts to pervert things somebody has to do something, and its not like anybody else there would have scared a glance if I didnt save myself-"

"Your wrong."

"Huh- I wasnt done. Anyways i-"

"L/n you are wrong."

"Dude im trying to-"

"There was heroes on patrol, how else did you think i found you? There were real heroes ready to protect you, if you had simply shouted people would have been alarmed of such. I dont understand kids and their need to do everything alone." He rolled his eyes behind his mask and continued to stare at me.

"Excuse me but I dont think your in a place to comment on how I react to myself being touched. He was gonna get my skin dirty and for what, two seconds of his school girl fantasy. Ew."

"Your skin....dirty?"

"Yes, he is nowhere near my standards on someone who should be allowed to touch me...not even a brush of the fingers..ugh!"

"Alright well, I cant get you in trouble because then I get in trouble...so, tell me about your quirk while we go on patrol."

His chair sqeaked against the floor as he stood up and it slid back. Then he motioned for me to follow by painting out the door.

Relieved that I didn't have to talk about all the fake reasons people aren't allowed to touch me, and that I could finally get outside so my quirk would stop suffocating me, I was quick to exit the building.

I'm not sure if its the fact that ive only been using a forth of her, but my quirks side effects have been so shitty recently. To the point that our school nurse estimsted my new rate for being inside for an extended period of time was about three hours.

I havent actually combusted in years, but I've been close and god does it hurt. My chest starts to squeeze and I can feel all the energy drain from my body, then pieces of me start to get hold and cold at the same time.

"So what really is your quirk?"

I looked up at the hero next to me as we continued on down the street of the inner City.

"How much did Aizawa tell you?"

"I-he said...she has all the right elements? And told me I'd figure it out.." He scratched the back of his head.

I smirked at that. Who knew aizawa actually listened to the words I said. I was pretty sure after the whole sulking chrollos dick thing, he would have permanently tuned me out.

"Heh, that raggedy ann bastard" I smile smugly.

"So, what does it mean?"

"Ahh, okay so, did you go to U.A?"

"Um yes kid, why?"

Then im certain je knows of my family, explaining my quirk will be easier. God, this really is my favorite part.

I reached my left hand out, knowing he was right handedly and would respond well to it and then spoke.

"Hi, nice to meet you, im y/n l/n of the elementus royal quirk family."

Once he shook my hand I did a polite curtsey, as I learned in ballet to do that instead of bowing. Its much more fun to do this at family event, where I get to wear big dresses and pretend im important...but this'll have to do.

"The-i-oh shit..." He mumbled the last part in defeat, likely just figuring out what he'd gotten himself in to.

"So, im guessing you've got ...."

"Total control, yup" I confirmed.

"And you wanna focus on earth elements, like what flowers?"

I smirk up at him allowing my aura to put an intimidating facade.

"Actually I was thing more like venus fly traps" as I said traps I let my hands clap together mimicking the plant and bit at the air with my teeth.

He stopped walking and just glanced from side to side, waiting for me to start making sense again.

Until we heard some crying in the distance.

The two of our heads shot over and were met with a strange sight. There were three young boys, looked about 8¿ and a man, hero maybe? Crouched in front of them not looking all that nice. He had spike blonde hair, red eyes, gauntlets on his wris-

"Oh my god its bakugou, look sir! Thats the hot guy I switched schools for!"

"Wha-"

"BAKUGOUUUU!! HEYYY!"

his head slowly shifted from the kids to me and it seemed to only make him more angry. Then, once again I couldn't help but bask in the pure aggression...in his eyes.

They were red, fitting for the anger thry held, but it was beautiful. It was passionate, the way he could yell for hours about god knows what because he cares. He may care about petty things, or silly things, but he always cares so much. So passionately. That I can see it in his eyes.

"Oh my, whAt is this costume deary?"best jeanist spoke from ahead of us as we approach.

"Hi sir, sorry about the skin showing, my quirk is heavily enhanced the more my pours are exposed to the natural elements, especially oxygen. If I was more covered parts of my body would begin to go completely numb. Also doesnt my body look amazing! Im a lot more in shape since you saved me last"

I blamed happily at jeanist. Though we arent neceserilly close, he is definitely a great hero and has always been someone who easily sees through my façaude. Plus his fashion sense is wonderful and I often send him pictures of my outfits. Although he doesnt respond I know he sees them and if they were bad he would be mean about it instead of ignoring it.

"Well. It definitely gives your body..access to that. And the sword?"

Ahh...the sword that I liked to carry. It was now stored in its place on my back.

"Call it a good luck charm, plus, we cant rely only on our quirks, then we are just weak people with strong powers. Rather than strong people."

I was always one to put on a show for him, as I do for lost of pro heroes. Its a lot more fun to say things like your all serious and fancy and smart sometimes. Its my little inside joke with myself, like to laugh at how easily people are awed by it.

Like how even though children were still crying bakgou was staring at me face void of emotion, completely struck at my words.

Definitely not..staring at my body that was exposed. Not eyeing the tight strap that wraps my left leg, that he doesnt know is a funcional lasso.

Noticing him, im quick to avert my attention.

"Hey bakugou~"

"Tch you really went from shitty princess to slutty princess huh?"

"You really went from telling deku you'd be number one hero, to making kids cry on the street, huh?" I challenged

I heard the crying boys laugh a little, just the age reminded me of my brother, Im sure they have nothing in common, but I havent seen any of my brothers in quite some time so I suppose a small part of me was just projecting.

I hated that they were crying, though. Ussually I dont like kids, they are stinky and gross and the main reason people have been ruining my life up til now. However, noticing these three reacting to bakugou in a way I wish emotionally available enough for, it made me feel obligated to help them. Wierd, huh.

"Hey, did that guy use his fire all scary?"

"Yeah, he was gonna kill us"

"Fires scary."

I giggled a bit, I knew fire like the back of my hand. It was the first thing I mastered as a child and the way I see bakugou use it doesnt to the element justice.

"Hm, well, I dont think so...can I show you something?"

The kid in the middle, apparently the braver of them, lifted his gaze from the concrete to meet my eyes. Just as I crouched down to my knees in front of them he nodded up at me.

I smiled at this, proud that I earned his trust for...some odd reason.

My hands formed a cup shape in front of him and I focused my ears so I could hear the blood rushing through my own brain, like waves. This was how I learned to use elements singularly: by using my internally noise to block out everything else.

I first allowed a small line of fire to dance around, now bigger than a candle wick. Then through another, and another as the boy watched carefully. Not yet impressed his face was still caustious. However I continued focusing my energy, feeling my body, the air around me, the heat of the sun, even remember the passion from bakugous crimson eyes.

I as I did so the many small flames twirled and twisted within eachother forming into a beautiful blue and orange fluctuating flower.

The boy looked into my hands mouth now agape, tears dried, fear gone. Then, again, for some reasons unbeknownst to me... I felt a sense of pride.

He tapped his friends so they would look up and I continued making my fire into different things, birds, planes, people. The kids were entranced.

I looked back to see the two pros staring at me with a certain level of pride mixer with shock. While bakugou seemed at a loss for words. God knows why this time?

"I don't think fire is all that bad you know..."

"Pft, yeah, I know kid," with that I threw my little flames above their heads and let the sparks fall down of them like shiny glitter. Then, overwhelmed with this horrible feeling in my chest. I retreatdd to my boss for the weak. Was that..happiness? Ew.

[crippleprophet]

Can i ask what access intimacy is? I'm disabled but have never heard of it and am curious!

yes oh my gosh, access intimacy is one of my favorite concepts and something that’s so important to me. the term was coined by disability activist Mia Mingus in 2011 in this post; she talks about it in other essays on her blog, too, so you can see them if you search or I think there’s an access intimacy tag.

the piece is beautiful and makes me cry so i definitely recommend reading the whole thing but here’s the basics:

“Access intimacy is that elusive, hard to describe feeling when someone else “gets” your access needs. The kind of eerie comfort that your disabled self feels with someone on a purely access level. Sometimes it can happen with complete strangers, disabled or not, or sometimes it can be built over years. It could also be the way your body relaxes and opens up with someone when all your access needs are being met […]

Access intimacy is also the intimacy I feel with many other disabled and sick people who have an automatic understanding of access needs out of our shared similar lived experience of the many different ways ableism manifests in our lives. Together, we share a kind of access intimacy that is ground-level, with no need for explanations. Instantly, we can hold the weight, emotion, logistics, isolation, trauma, fear, anxiety and pain of access. I don’t have to justify and we are able to start from a place of steel vulnerability.

It doesn’t mean that our access looks the same, or that we even know what each other’s access needs are. It has taken the form of long talks into the night upon our first meeting; knowing glances shared across a room or in a group of able bodied people; or the feeling of instant familiarity to be able to ask for help or support.”

it’s a really gorgeous phenomenon, the deep comfort and safety i feel around other disabled people & people committed to creating access for me. it ties in a lot with collective access (disabled people creating access for one another) and is part of why friendships, relationships, etc with other disabled people are so special and important