#(I'm also a perfectionist and am trying to get over stressing myself out when i do draw haha. just wanna have fun when i do it)

[whelpimnauthuman]

Gotta love when somebody asks why I chose the username I did (on a different platform) and when I answer honestly ("haha, it's an attempt at trying to light-heartedly make fun of a bad situation with my disability") they. Chose to go from 0-100 and start making fun?? As if I didn't just say "yeah, it's been hard, we haven't even had a year since this happened"?

Like, I did my best to be light hearted, and get they were probably trying to get in on joking too? But there's a difference between "yeah, my brain don't work so I'm naming myself after it, haha" to someone I barely know doing a BrAiN dOn'T WoRk voice and asking if I stopped drawing because it affected my arms??

[werywrenniethoughts]

Help Wanted 2: Lets Talk About Sun (Spoilers for Help Wanted 2!)

Okay,

I've had some time to digest Help Wanted 2. What a freaking roller coaster. I'm assuming you all have played/watched/seen Help Wanted 2, so be advised if you haven't seen everything we have access to so far, I'll be bringing it up.

One thing I'll say upfront is its nice to know Sun and Moon ARE older like I theorized. They're tied to the Fall Festival which took place in 1970 per one of the prize collector posters and the fact they deal with the carousel. I think Steel Wool also tried to point out and confirm Moon is patient zero for....I guess I should say Vanny's influence in the PizzaPlex. He's definitely the favorite to be pitted against us. I'm STILL losing my mind over the Princess Quest Ending.

So, the DCA fandom has been all across the board, ranging from "I love sassy Sun" to "Sun is SO mean. This ruins my headcannon." I don't think it really does. At least, it doesn't have to.

Our first encounter with Sun in front of us is Arts and Crafts. This minigame is located in the world we eventually learn is AR. We also are clearly a new FazBear hire. Sun is definitely sassy, and let's face it, VERY critical of what he defines as a mistake. BUT the flip side of that coin is he is still nice when you do the art correctly. He calls you friend, he wants to help you. If the player eats the crafts, he loses his mind. It's because he's worrying for the player due to the effects eating the crafts will have on them, ie: "That is how you get ulcers!". (By far, MY FAVORITE line of Sun's btw. Kellen stated that line and the indigestion line were both improved btw- genius.) He still doesn't want Moon to get you, he doesn't want to get in trouble. The one threat is after you've been hitting him several times and you've outright pissed him off. (I personally, think the "I should turn off the lights myself" was a drama king being a drama king.) Then we take the mask off. We see everything destroyed and Sun acts like the Sun we've always known. "I'm perfectly fine where I am. It's better this way. It's safer this way." "Keep the generator on. Without it I won't be able to help you." He's the same as he's always been. We've just seen a new layer.

What we ultimately have to come to terms with, is that Sun is a control freak and a perfectionist. He thinks he "has" to be. He doesn't want you to move from your craft table so he can watch you like a hawk. Do the job you are assigned. Get in, get out. Do the art HIS way, and follow HIS rules. If you don't, bad things can happen. Bad things HAVE happened. Another explanation could also be that maybe he isn't as free of the glitch trap virus as we thought? He can be sassy, he can be brutally honest, he can be concerned for us, for children, and his own darkness can rear its head, all at the same time.

Steel Wool could also be trying to slam into our faces that Sun is incomplete. He is one-half of a whole. He has good intentions, he means well at his core, but he cannot stop, regroup, and act rather than react. He gets stressed, and can't cope and adjust. Instead, he demands control back when he feels like he's about to lose it. Moon is calm, calculating, and logical. It's why they need to be whole and why Sun is so grateful to Cassie when she fixes them to become Eclipse. As Eclipse, they both find the parts of themselves they've so desperately needed.

[itz-pandora]

Urrgh

I was just kinda moody today and yesterday and I think I'm just. Stressed.

I keep feeling like I have a mountain of work that I can't get done because I can't focus on anything but art at home, so I'd have to stay after school to get anything done, but I stayed after for like 3 days and I hardly got anything done and I'm so upset about it. I feel like I can't get anything done in the timeframe I have and I can't even focus in class and get things done. I just feel like I'm falling more and more behind and it's all my fault that I can't catch up. I'm trying so hard.

I have 4 different comics/storybooks I need to make for class and they ALL demand some kind of quality and I am a perfectionist. And I hate it. I think it won't take long but it does! I feel like if I don't turn in something that looks good then I'm not really an artist. Not to mention finding inspiration and time! I am dedicating so much to my Unbreakable Bond comic for my class, and I'm already 8 hours into 3 pages of SKETCHES! Just. Sketches. And I feel like I need them to be perfect. I need to make 2 short books based off stories (3 little pigs and Juan Bobo) and dude I can't think of inspo... Ughhhhhhh I'm sad. I'm halfway done with a storyboard for my Spanish class tho... Urrgh perfectionism is a bitch

And I'm falling behind with normal assignments too! I have a month old PowerPoint that every time I think about I feel drained and I DONT KNOW WHY? why cant i make a stupid powerpoint on one of the 5 senses development in utero?? It was due over a month ago! And we're in the story unit in Spanish and my dumbass can't keep up with our pace and it's driving me CRAZY. I'm supposed to be fast with this, I've always been fast with this, how am I falling so far behind?? It takes so long for me to get through it and we keep moving on before I'm ready. And my graphic noveling class? I spend so much time on the actual projects that I neglect the busywork. Not to mention how my brain doesn't think the same way as the curriculum does, I like to plot out as I go! It keeps telling me to plot out with words, but I know the gist of what I want, it's just hard to translate into words and I don't know how to properly describe stuff. Also I straight up didn't start one of our first assignments because I can't flip images on our school computers and it made me mad

Thank you Earth Science for being NORMAL. It's my most rigid and lecture-based class and has the most traditional style of teaching. It's the easiest in the execution and I don't feel like I'm behind in it. It's the only one I feel normal in.

My child development class is very lax, I goof off tbh, it's so easy to waste time. With Spanish, I need a translator and my friend in that class is chatty so I procrastinate, and in my Graphic noveling class, I make too much for myself and end up drowning in it.

i havent worked on my animatic since yesterday so that's another thing my brain put in the loser bin. Smh

I'm kinda sad

I'm not saying this in any negative way towards you guys, I'm glad when you interact with me. Doing things on here is actually such a mental boost

[hunyothinks]

Entry #5: [20241009] About being an emotional being

Today, I took an online Emotional Intelligence Test from psychologytoday.com and apparently, I have a high EQ.

Having a high emotional intelligence is described to be able to do well in work environments because of their ability to make good decisions and effective communication. They are also described to have healthier relationships, better health and well-being, as well as being able to manage emotions. With that said, I feel like I should feel proud of myself for having come this far in my journey for personal growth. I didn't expect that I'd have a high EQ, but looking at how I currently treat myself and my relationships with others, I feel like I've really grown for the better. It took a lot of introspection and constant and conscious effort for me to able to recognize, acknowledge, and understand my own feelings over the years. If I took this test back in high school, I would have answered it differently and would have gotten another result.

Despite apparently having a high EQ, I feel like I still tend to fall for fallacies that affect how I talk to myself and perceive certain situations.

Perfectionism

As a consistent honor student growing up, I have this tendency of holding myself to a high standard and expecting myself to maintain it.

Because of that, I felt like I should always be performing well in the things that I do. I would focus even on the small details to make sure that things would go well, and I was strict on how I wanted things to be done (this was especially true when I was in grade school). I was (and still probably am) a perfectionist and being one doesn't really serve me well because it was so emotionally-draining for me to always stress over the small things just because I want things to go right. I held myself to high standards even though I didn't need to, and that led me to being rarely satisfied with my work and performance.

Being a perfectionist made me so focused on the flaws of my own work and performance that it made me fail to see the whole picture. I wasn't able to recognize that despite these "flaws", I was still able to come up with something out of my own efforts and hard work. When it came to certain projects, minsan hindi ko alam kung bakit nagagandahan yung iba sa nagawa ko kasi iniisip ko na "hindi naman siya ganun kaganda" or "nagkamali nga ako dun eh"... I was holding myself to such a high standard that I was downplaying my own skills and achievements. I failed to see what others saw in my own work.

Fear of catastrophic failure

In relation to being a perfectionist, I also had a fear of failure. Because I expect myself to always do good in what I do, I was scared of making mistakes because it made me feel like I was letting people down. I would get ahead of myself often times and overthink about possible scenarios on how things could go wrong. Because of that, I end up not doing anything because I was too worried about what bad things might happen, instead of also considering the benefits that may come with doing something.

For example, until now, I'm scared of opening up to my parents about how I am queer because I keep thinking what if this fact causes tension with my family. What if I'm gonna get scolded? What if they start treating me differently? What if my queerness outweighs all the achievements that I've done over the years? Even if there's a part of me that knows that they probably won't disown me for being gay, it's still a thought that lingers whenever I try to think about coming out. Because I feel so scared about disappointing my family and causing tension in our dynamics, I end up keeping this part of myself to myself. I end up not coming out to them and probably won't be anytime soon.

Recognizing these fallacies made me realize that these irrational thoughts were detrimental to my mental health and they also held me back from my personal growth. I realized that we shouldn't let our fears or worries hold us back from taking control of our lives.

We won't be able to fully appreciate the whole picture if we are too focused on the small things. Life is a painting that you can appreciate only if you learn how to take a step back and realize that the smudges that you made are very small in comparison to the beauty of the whole scenery.

To avoid falling into these identified fallacies, I learned to develop an "it is what it is" kind of mindset. What I do is learn to accept that not everything has to be perfect and that my mistakes are not permanent. Accept that what happened already happened and move on.

Additionally, I think it would also help to take the time to talk to yourself and recognize how you are feeling. You must learn how to listen to yourself. What am I feeling? Why do I feel this way? In what situations do I get this feeling? Talking to yourself kindly can be a way to understand yourself even more and it can also be used to challenge the irrational thoughts that we are having. It's important that we have a rational-emotive approach when talking to ourselves to make sure that we don't further fall into the debilitating emotions that we are having.

Facilitative emotions refer to the type of emotions that help us function more effectively, meanwhile, debilitative emotions are the type of emotions that hinder us from performing well.

When I perform, some of the facilitative emotions that I go through are excitement and joy. When I feel excited and happy about what I do, it actually motivates and helps me perform better and it makes me feel better about myself.

On the other hand, the debilitative emotions that I go through when I perform are nervousness and fear of making a mistake. If I don't keep these feelings in check, I tend to doubt and worry about my performance and usually, it affects my actual performance negatively.

When I find myself having debilitative emotions, I often find myself talking to myself out loud. I try to shake the nerves off by saying na "kaya ko to" and/or doing something else to keep my mind off the negative thoughts. Sometimes, I also talk to my friends about what I'm feeling and they reassure me that I can do it. Essentially, I try to deal with debililtative emotions by either trying to avoid thinking it or by shifting it to a more facilitative one. Instead of thinking that I'm nervous about a performance because I'm worried about making a mistake, I'll instead try to think about how fun the performance will be.

[soot-and-salt]

I would like to ask about 4. and 17., please! 🤗

Aw hell yeah, let's go

4. a story idea you haven't written yet

Where Hazbin is concerned, hoo boy, have I got some things percolating, my friend. I'm definitely going to do SOMETHING for kink week in June, probably a grab bag of prompts (praise kink for sure), and I'm definitely thinking it'll be radiostatic. I also have a few ideas for the gothic radioapple series (one fic with a drunken confession Lucifer doesn't remember and another that I'm rotating again in my head about Lucifer's depression and how that affects his relationship with Alastor).

I want to return back to humor too, there's been too much maudlin stuff lately, so a VERY funny fic featuring Alastor and Valentino forced to work together is on the horizon. I'm 1k words into it. It's gonna happen, I swear. They're idiots, your honor. I don't know why I love writing Val, he's terrible, but his voice is so much fun.

It's funny, I used to write almost exclusively AUs in another fandom, and I loved doing it, but I can't think of a single one for Hazbin. Being in Hell, being demons and having that background is so essential to the characters. I'm in awe of the authors who can write human Alastor AUs. Wish that were me. Skill issue on my part.

17. talk about your writing and editing process

Okay, so, here's the thing. Are you ready for my shameful secret?

I write directly into the AO3 text box. I leave WIPs as drafts.

Yes, it is the most INSANE WAY POSSIBLE to write. I am incredibly sorry about it.

Listen. I've written professionally before, for actual human currency, both fiction and nonfiction. Writing in Google docs gives me so much anxiety now because of it. It's such a dumb problem to have and I want to try to get over it and write in Google docs like a normal person again. But writing IN AO3 is weirdly more freeing? I sort of stop myself from some of my old perfectionist habits and I can be more loose with what I'm doing. Seeing that site is like a signal to my brain that it's just for fun and I can do whatever the hell I want. I don't know how to explain it.

My day job is a stressful mess so I usually only get to write on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and weekends. I don't like to listen to music as I write, or at least not music with lyrics. Lyrics are important to me though, my very long work commute (over an hour each way) provides me with ample time to daydream to music and sometimes I'll hear a lyric and boom an entire fic is suddenly in my head.

Editing is something I currently actually do for human currency as a side hustle so when I edit my own work I'm just trying to focus on spelling/grammar and flow. I'll read out loud what I wrote at least once so I can make sure it has a proper cadence, especially dialogue. If they're characters with accents or a certain way of speaking I'll try to verbally mirror that to make sure they sound in character. So please, by all means, imagine me at like 10pm putting on my very best trans-Atlantic to make sure my Alastor sounds okay.

My main writing issue is I have both crippling anxiety and un-medicated ADHD so any words I get down are often a struggle and some writing nights are spent staring at a wall while I fall apart inside. My best writing nights are ones where I've spent the entire day drinking caffeine (like eight or nine cups of black tea so strong you could stand a spoon up in it) and my brain achieves like 45% of what a normal brain can do. So, you know, things are really going well for me. This is a very normal way to live.

So, uh, yeah, in conclusion, please read my fanfiction, I swear to god I'm pretty good at it. And ask me more questions so I can give you more horrifying answers.

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Hi hi there, here's my info for the match-up exchange! This is from @shxtodxroki btw, I'm just sending this on anon because that account isn't my main! Could I get a match-up for a MHA character and a Haikyuu character pls? :)

Name: Bee

Age: 17/Almost 18 (Literally a week away)

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Bisexual! (So I'm okay being matched up with characters of any gender!)

Zodiac Sign: Taurus

MBTI: INFJ

Hogwarts House: Ravenclaw

Personality: I used to be really shy because of my anxiety, but I've gotten a lot better over the years! Even though I'm introverted I do enjoy talking to people and spending time with them. I'm just not good at being the person to initiate conversations and I do need some alone time to myself through the day, or I can get overwhelmed. I can be pretty emotional, I worry quite a bit and I tend to cry a lot lol (whether I'm watching a movie, or I'm really happy, or I'm really stressed, I'll probably end up crying lol) I joke with my friends but I can be kinda dense so I don't always get jokes or like, subtle hints that aren't explicitly said lol. I'm definitely a people-pleaser and will avoid conflict and making people mad if at all possible, and I can be insecure but usually I don't really like to talk about it unless I'm really close with someone! I consider myself pretty empathetic and I always try to include people and help out others when I can see someone struggling :)

Likes: Listening to music (kpop, Taylor Swift, Fall Out Boy, musicals, kind of a mix lol) playing the cello, reading and writing, horror movies/mystery movies, anime, painting, playing Mario Kart, teaveling, animals! I also tend to generally just like making/creating things

Dislikes: Bugs, disappointing people, being ignored/interrupted, math/science lol, people being rude for no reason, phone calls unless I'm really comfortable with someone

Appearance: I'm 5'7" (or 170cm I think) and I have kinda pale green eyes, and I dye my hair bright pink! It goes to a bit below my shoulders, and usually it's straight but occasionally it ends up pretty wavy if I don't dry it right lol. My body is kinda pear-shaped I guess, and I like wearing all kinds of styles! Usually I prefer dressing more like, pastel and cutesy lol, but sometimes I try other stuff out too!

Extra Stuff: I'm going to college in the fall and planning on majoring in English, and I hope to become an English professor one day! I like being able to teach/help other people, and usually I'm pretty patient and able to understand what people need and how to best help them. I tend to be pretty stressed a lot of the time, though, I have pretty bad anxiety and I'm working to control it, but I struggle sometimes. I'm definitely a bit of a perfectionist and have a hard time turning in or showing others anything less than perfect, but I'm getting better! I also tend to have a lot of food sensitivities, I'll try new things but I struggle with a lot of things especially texture-wise!

Sorry if this was a bit long, I'm new at this lol and pls let me know if you need anything else, but thank you again and I hope you have a nice day/night! :]

Hi Bee! Happy birthday! I hope being 18 is heaps of fun! Also, another English major! I hope you enjoy it as much as I am! I also hope you like your matchups!

In My Hero Acaedmia, I match you with...

I feel like Shinsou would be a good match for you!

He's also pretty quiet but also very supportive. If you want to chat with him or go out and chat with other people, he's happy to be with you to provide support.

Shinsou also struggles with anxiety a fair bit. You can't go your whole life being told you have a villain's quirk without that having an affect on you.

He'll share his tips and tricks on how to deal with anxiety with you. If you need his support, he's there for you.

Deals with any bugs. He's not super fond of them himself but he'll get rid of them if you ask him to.

Also doesn't like phone calls. Please don't ask him to answer any strange calls you get. He's hitting answer and immediately hanging up.

Shinsou enjoys playing Mario Kart and watching anime with you. He needs some downtime from hero training and that's the best way to relax in his mind!

In Haikyuu, I match you with...

Suga is the most supportive person in your life. You're going to college to study English? You've totally got this! You want to hopefully become a teacher? So does he! You two can study together!

Suga is a mom friend so he's always got your best interests at heart. He wants to make sure you feel supported whenever you're feeling anxious. He'll also help out with your food sensitivities.

He also tries to help you with your perfectionism. If he can help you learn to accept your flaws even a little bit he'll take that as a win!

He would definitely appreciate it if you could help him control the Karasuno team. He may be the team mum but he could use a hand every now and then.

Suga won't seek out video games but he's more than happy to play them with you. He's also happy to sit down and watch anime with you. He's a fan of classic shows like Sailor Moon and One Piece.

Just an all round supportive partner who will always have your health and happiness at the front of his mind.

[sakurahisuii]

Follow the Path🧭

4/22/2024

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽

Today I was doing a mindful exercise for this stress management class that I was taking just for fun and because I really enjoyed the classes in this major of wellness and health promotion.  Part of what I want to do as a career is teach mental health and overall wellness to the community. I want to be a mental health first aid trainer, and I've even thought of being a life coach.  Anyways. I was taking this class, and we had to pick one of two exercises to do, I chose something called a labyrinth walking meditation. Luckily, the college that I work at (which is where I am taking classes) has a labyrinth area on campus. I'm not going to lie; when I read about the exercise, I thought it was kind of lame. Mediation and mindfulness are things that are very hard for me to do since my mind is always on a task or thought. I was finishing up my break when I was itching to just go outside for a walk. It was a beautiful day outside. I walked a little to find the labyrinth path, and I was like, "Okay, I might as well do this now and get it over with," and I thought about how this would technically count as my walk for the day. The labyrinth was 1/6th of a mile. I tried clearing my head and taking some deep breaths before starting.  I remember thinking of all the things that are currently weighing me down emotionally, how I desired things, and imagining situations. I tried to catch myself and focus on my deep breathing. I started to focus (a little too much at times) on the path to make sure I didn't cross the lines (yeeeeeeah, that's the perfectionist inside me). But as I was walking the path, I felt the wind in my face and heard the birds chirp.

I felt peaceful.

I kept reminding myself to take deep breaths, clear my head, and enjoy the moment that I was in. I have to say, I really enjoyed those moments of peacefulness.  I was very wrong about labyrinths being lame; they're actually pretty cool. I recommend trying it out if the opportunity comes around. I know I want to try and incorporate waking up in the labyrinth at least weekly when I'm on campus. I have also googled some labyrinths around my area, and I look forward to exploring some of them! I'm pretty excited for it! Until next time, friends!💝

‐Jade 

[ovaryacted]

Questions 3 and 30 for the ask game <3

Also hiiiii nic, how've you been? 🩷🩷 I'm so glad the ask box is open again. I hope you are feeling better since you said you were really busy a while ago, if I remember correctly?

Also OH MY GOD THEY WEREN'T KIDDING WHEN THEY SAID COLLEGE LIFE WAS WILDD 😭😭 ESPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO DATING 💀 tell me why I met this boy and got into a relationship with him after an embarassingly short amount of time, then he lovebombed me, had a mental breakdown, got bored and attempted to fake his own death 😭😭 safe to say we're over, though I'm still a little worried about his mental health lmaoo. It's a shame though, I thought I met my brunette version of Leon Kennedy irl, he was really sweet and dorky and all I could ask for. But whatever, life goes on. I think I might quit dating real men until I graduate tho 💀💀 Leon and Chris it is until then!

Sorry if this felt like a rant, but it was too hilarious not to share 😭😭 I hope you're having better luck with real men than I am nic 🥲 it's okay tho, who needs some crazy Texan nerd when Leon Scott Kennedy is right there?

Also, if you have any vague details to share about your upcoming fics, please do! I always stalk your blog for updates, your writing is just that good!! I can be patient though, no pressure. I hope you're having lovely writing time :3

Take care pookie, sending lots of love <3

-🌑

writer ask game

Omg hey new moon anon! It's always so nice to hear from you. 🫶 I'm doing alright for the most part, dealing with migraines so that's fun but I'm handling it. I hope you're doing good too. And yeah, I was busy and a little burnt out from answering all of those asks for like a week straight so I closed my ask box to regroup, but I'm more energetic now so that's good!

#3. how do you feel about your current WIP?

Oh my current WIP is a pain in the ass LMAOO. I've been working on it for like a month on and off and I'm about to revisit it today and re-edit it completely. Sometimes I think I overstress myself about writing certain things because I'm a perfectionist and want to put out stuff that I am happy with, but I'm really hoping I get this done. It's the first chapter of my series, which is hilarious cause I've been drafting this idea out for like 6 months and I still haven't uploaded it. I will though, eventually, I'm just scared about putting it out into the world since it's something I've planned so thoroughly.

#30. share a fic you're especially proud of

I believe I've answered this already but definitely One Of Those Days simply because of how cohesive it is and how easy it was to write. It's one of my favorite things that I've written, and because lord knows I want a dilf to take care of me after a stressful day so it's personal.

Now college boys? Babe, as someone older I'm going to tell you, stay away from them boys at school. Obviously, have fun and be safe duh, but don't let these LEWSERS derail you from your education. I'm sorry that happened though seriously, being lovebombed is the absolute worst thing ever, but he sounds crazy for that like. Don't think that what happened determines your worth romantically, believe me, you will be okay. <3

As for me? I haven't had a man within 6 feet of me in 2 years by choice HAHA. They just get dumber and dumber and frankly I don't want to be stressed so I choose to keep my peace, I can't deal with another dating horror story and trust me I've had plenty. Celibacy does get annoying though, I feel like as you get older, your hormones get out of wack and every ovulation cycle gets more intense. I'm literally at my limit but I'm trying to stay strong and not let the voices get to me. May break my celibacy this summer, I'm feeling reckless, but nobody is a #realfucker like me so I'd rather save myself the dissapointment. Sadly, real men are nothing like the fictional ones we all thirst over, so we must all suffer booo.

And as for my fic ideas, I have a lot written down and I'm actually deviating from Leon Kennedy because I'm fixating over Chris Redfield so I'll tell you some of the things I want to write for him in particular!

Essentially, I have a DDLG fic idea I want to crank out with Chris and it kind of extended to me wanting to create a mini universe of Chris and his sub partner just navigating life and learning more about kinks and how to grow in a dom/sub dynamic. I originally wanted to do that with Leon, but the ideas I had just didn't fit his characterization naturally in my head, it felt forced. And now that I've been doing a fuck ton of character analysis and plotting with Chris, my brain changed and everything that didn't fit Leon fits Chris in my head (because they're foils of each other). So yeah, I'm definitely planning on doing that, probably several different one shots about Chris and his gf in a dom/sub partnership and how they explore it together, and they can all be read as stand-alones or in the same "universe" type of deal.

I'm still hesitant cause of how people think about DDLG as a whole and how they view Chris, but I'm just learning to not give a fuck anymore and post it anyway. :)

[aloyssobek]

i need to brain dump

work has made me so stressed to the point where i'm currently on week 2 of 4 of stress leave from work because i burnt completely out. i'm mostly feeling better (especially knowing that my heart is pretty much fine). i...may have had a couple of proper breakdowns tho over the past week because of like idk residual stress and overthinking. but i have enjoyed taking a break in the middle of term and like resetting. i haven't been great with keeping a routine but it's also only the second week.

but when i think about going back to work, not just teaching but work, i feel like shit. i don't want to work. i want to study. i want to do research. the only work that i feel remotely okay with the idea of is doing research. but not necessarily my own research or novel research just....helping out. doing grunt work. leaving at the end of the day and leaving my work at work. and maybe getting some wfh in there for when i feel like shit but still up for doing things. because i have been really sick (most likely) because of my stress!!! i've been getting pains and i still need to talk to my respiratory doctor about my test results but that appointment is still scheduled for october and i am going to get some other tests done and another cardiology appt this year and the idea of trying to navigate any of that whilst working even if it's at 0.8 that's still, by the nature of my fucking job, basically full time, exhausts me. like i'm tired thinking about doing any of that. like knowing that i have those appointments towards the end of the year makes me just want to throw in the towel even more. just chill out for a bit. go to my stupidly spaced out appointments.

i've never really chilled out because even semester breaks at uni or in hs were limited. i've been in school since 2000. i already went to uni for 7 years which in and of itself is...a lot but it's fine ig. but i went straight into full time teaching at the beginning of 2020 during a fucking pandemic. and i had surgery in 2021. and several people have died in my family over the past few years. like...i'm tired. but...i also feel like i'm not being intellectually stimulated enough with my work. which feels stupid bc i teach science and maths but it's all so second nature now i feel so MEH even though there's new stuff i just.....i feel like i'm done with it now. this feels like the greatest piece of evidence i could leverage about having some sort of dopamine deficiency because i think that's part of it i'm BORED and uni, whilst often stressful and frustrating, it at least presented novel challenges to me every 6 months. and i'm missing that. i'm fucking craving that feeling i miss having little projects i miss doing the thing and then moving on to a new thing. doing crafts doesn't do the same thing bc perfectionism but that's a different thing.

i guess i miss not having to doubt myself at every fucking turn, which i do at work now. i know i'm good at my job. but it's because i'm a fucking perfectionist that keeps doubting what they're doing at every fucking step and i don't trust myself to do anything right so i'm constantly re-doing things all the fucking time. and you'd think being a teacher would present novel opportunities all the time. and yeah! but also! the fucking amount of decision fatigue!!! makes everything worse all the time!! i just want to do my projects and learn new things and have things change in a predictable way every 6 months. i'm so tired man. i cannot emphasise enough how much i feel in my entire fucking being the need i have to do research. fuck man.

[albatris]

ok i am terribly curious: what is a frankendraft. i saw that term multiple times in ur atdao tag and i am full of Wondering over what it means

oh hell yeah, the frankendraft! that's not a term I've used in a while!

anyway this is gonna be a super jumbled long ramble post, I'm so sorry, I have a lot of trouble explaining things concisely dhgdjkghd

okay, so, it was...... TECHNICALLY invented as my own personal "outlining" method for ATDAO, and you will see why that is in quotation marks as this post goes on :P

so the official name for the frankendrafting technique was "outline first draft frankendocument" but this is a mouthful so it got shortened to simply "frankendraft"!

in short, a frankendraft is basically a very very VERY bare bones shitty first draft, except I couldn't call it A First Draft at the time lest I intimidate myself out of working on it. a frankendraft is basically writing every single thing that happens in a story from start to finish in the form of like

X does this. Y says this. this happens. then this happens. which makes X feel this particular way. then this happens. which makes this happen. etc etc etc

I cannot emphasise enough that this is NOT in brief dot point summary form. this is in chapters. this is the Full Fucking Story. here is an excerpt from the frankendraft to illustrate my point:

"Noa is hesitant to leave Alice alone, and feels it would be inconsiderate. Plus, she's worried about how the rest of the DII will receive this, whether they will view her as reckless and irresponsible. She goes to her car to get a blanket for Alice, and then searches her back seat to see if she has anything in the way of spare clothes for herself. She locates one of Tris's hoodies she has been procrastinating giving back to him because it's huge and comfy, and puts it on."

the whole thing is basically just like. stage directions. me explaining the story to myself. lmao. it's literally all the same level of bland and undescriptive and bare bones from start to finish. I've won NaNoWriMos with how lengthy the frankendraft is

now, the whole thing may seem kind of dumb and you may be like "so what is the benefit of that?", but here, hear me out, I had my reasons, yeah. and it's actually a KILLER technique if you're not quite a plotter and not quite a pantser and you're also an over-anxious perfectionist stresshead with brain fog and a complicated plot you need to wrangle into cooperation

it functioned as an elaborate trap I could lure my anxious perfectionist writer brain into where I unwittingly spin together a coherent draft without realising

but mostly, like, in hindsight, I was SCARED of writing so I'd freeze up, and the frankendraft was excellent for helping with that! interestingly, the frankendraft was an approach I needed to use for ATDAO, but not one I've needed for Rental Car which means I've definitely made progress on the perfectionism and fear side of things! :D

now, here we fuckin go, The Longer Explanation Of Benefits Of Frankendrafting -

so, story time, there was like a five year period where I was getting NOWHERE with any of my work, and I was grumbling about it when I had the following realisations

pantsing wasn't working for me because I'd freeze up and find it super daunting, I struggled with just Throwing Myself Into a scene right off the bat with no guidance. even if my brain knew exactly where the scene needed to go, I hit blocks. no thoughts head empty. plus, the plot of ATDAO had so many different threads going at once that trying to keep track of everything While Writing A Genuine Engaging Story was too much for my confused little brain 2 handle lmao

and at the time, writing was an extremely anxious act for me! lots of perfectionism, lots of stress, in the midst of relearning how to Have Fun Writing again, blank pages are intimidating, blah blah, usually I'd psych myself out so bad that my brain stopped completely

so I thought to myself, "hey, if you're struggling to keep track of what you need to be doing and all the stress is too much at once, you probably need an outline!"

but traditional outlines don't work great for me either, see, 'cause I struggle to condense things and figure out what the Important Key Points are that I should be putting in my summaries and dot points. outlining that way feels restrictive, it doesn't express what I need it to, it doesn't help me at all when it comes to actually knowing what I need to do in a scene

'cause like, in my outline, the scene is just a brief description of what's happening, but there's so much OTHER stuff I need to keep track of, like. how does this scene progress, what are the feelings, what other plot elements are at play, where am I at with symbolism, characterisation, what's the dialogue like, what parts of the mystery are at play here

a lot needs to happen in a scene! and without having it ALL laid out for me I'd still hit blocks

so then I was like. "what if instead of either trying to write a full story right off the bat OR trying to fit the jumble of garbage inside my brain into a Nice Neat Outline while trying to make said outline resemble my plot in a way that actually helps me know what to write..... what if I just included literally as much detail as possible in my outline. what if I just included All Of It"

so I did!

I just started typing up descriptions of what happens in the scene line by line. here's an action! here's a symbolism! here's a dialogue! feelings! another action! telling the story without bothering to make it a Story, without descriptions and prose and whatever. just straight facts. not bothering to make it sound nice

Me Explaining The Story To Myself. me telling myself line by line what I need to do

and this worked FANTASTICALLY. I was coming up with fresh ideas, I wasn't scared, I was having important plot realisations, things were coming together and making sense in a way they hadn't for years c: I was finding ways to join scenes that were previously just floating and disconnected together into a coherent narrative, without the stress of "oh fuck I'm writing a story"

(and it WAS stress at the time, writing a story. I had a very dicey relationship with creative writing for several years)

but anyway yeah...... I could just trick myself into writing a first draft without ever acknowledging I'm writing a first draft

anyway this was also great for me because my two favourite parts of the writing process are 1. taking shitty words that already exist and transforming them and building on them to create something better, and 2. editing and revision. I realise now these are arguably the same thing at times

building and editing, these are my jams. I love taking some garbage and tweaking it and transforming it and finding better ways to describe things and swapping stuff round till it clicks

I could just go through an entire frankendraft like "I'm creating a hyperspecific outline, not a first draft" and then when I finished it I could be like "whew, a first draft, now the hard part is done and I get to do the fun stuff I love!" which is editing, revising, building, transforming this bare bones mess into something genuinely lovely

"but logan doesn't that take away from the mystery and fun of writing??? if you're so specific with your outline, isn't that boring??"

nope! it wasn't for me! I still got all the fun stuff, I just got it in a different way! I simply couldn't do the fun stuff and learning and discovery while I was ALSO trying to, like....... write a story, with style and description and finesse and drama and good words

plus, the most inspiring thing for me was not the Mystery and Adventure of writing (which, again, I still did get), it was my brain being free enough to just relax and write. which is why possessing a frankendraft that just directed me exactly EXACTLY where I needed to go was so freeing and wonderful!

anyway so that was The Frankendraft

long unnecessarily wordy explanation

it's a first draft! it's an outline! it saved my fuckin ass more times than I can count

it served its purpose and I haven't needed to use the technique recently! yeehaw

thanks for coming to my ted talk

[kissagii]

Hello! May I have a matchup? For a haikyuu boy please :) My pronouns are she/her and I'm over 18!

Personality-wise, I seem social and friendly but I'm pretty introverted and prefer spending most of my time at home. I get along with people well it's just I get burnt out socialising fast. I'm kind of a perfectionist and on the competitive side (when it comes to sports mostly). I'm v laid-back otherwise and am a bit apathetic in the sense I don't have strong feelings about much. I look cutesy and apparently give off a princessy/airheaded vibe yet I’m quite blunt and logic oriented. I avoid being negative even if I'm super stressed out because I hate having ~bad vibes~ and I firmly believe in things working out. I grew up with geniuses/naturally skilled family and friends and I hold myself to a high standard to match them. I'm low-energy and usually drink an energy drink a day. My hobbies are volleyball, badminton, and drawing. I'm quite clumsy until I step on the court and I'm playful/tend to get teased a lot. I need a guy who's protective and a bit more dominant than me (I have guy energy). I need someone that I admire/think is cool (again bc my friends/family are pretty good at things). My love language giving is physical touch and receiving is quality time.

I'm really curious as to who I get! Thanks for taking the time to do this <3

i match you with...

𝕚𝕨𝕒𝕚𝕫𝕦𝕞𝕚 𝕙𝕒𝕛𝕚𝕞𝕖

totally content to hang out around home instead of going out, he likes to cook for you and have movie nights

practice dates are also pretty common, both of you get stupidly competitive and try to one-up each other

absolutely tried and failed to draw with you once.... now he prefers to watch and give random (probably bad) suggestions

loves your cutesy and positive energy, but also is good about comforting you when you feel down

makes sure you know that you're perfect from him just the way you are, and that you don't have to meet such high standards to be worth loving

and if you're feeling really tired, he's always game for a naptime and cuddles <3

[auspicious-voice]

I am having many thoughts about testing my voicebanks lately, but this is mainly about engine noise and other mishaps: maybe it's because I'm so used to using voicebanks that have little to no amounts of engine noise that whenever I use my own, there's always that one sample that gets fucked over with too much engine noise that it sounds unnatural.

More under the cut as I have lots of thoughts about this. This isn't a formal development log, but I supposed it's closely related.

From my experiences, my voicebanks have little engine noise for the most part, but when it comes to encountering such blips in the voicebanks, I have this burning urge to a) manipulate the oto.ini, b) mix the shit out of it, or c) rerecord the sample if nothing else works. There are way less errors now but even then running into them will drive me crazy, and it doesn't make shit better when I'm a perfectionist. That and also having way less time to rerecord nowadays.

That shit aside, I have been listening to other voicebanks lately and I'm sort of starting to realize that even if a voicebank DOES have engine noise being present, they still manage to sound good in the final mix. So I've always wondered, "is engine noise really that detrimental to the quality of a voicebank in the long run?"

I feel like seeing things through the perspective of a perfectionist is only going to make me been more burnt out and I'll probably not have fun developing voicebanks if I keep this mindset. It's probably just that given how genuinely crap my latest voicebank updates were (which were released in 2018) and how there's a significant change of quality in the beta voicebanks, I've been more critical of myself and my voicebanks to the point where I'm stressing out over if these voicebanks actually sound good or not, regardless of engine noise.

But onto other reflections when voicebank developing because I've realized some things in this 6-7 month journey of development.

I'm not really working on these voicebanks for the sake of pleasing other people, but mostly for myself, as I want to develop voicebanks that won't give me a major headache whenever I use them in UTAU. As I've used Maria and Mario's voicebank updates from 2018, I've only gotten more frustrated with their overall quality even they were one of my more ambitious voicebank projects at the time.

And looking back now, it definitely feels I only developed those voicebanks just because a) they had multiexpression capabilities and b) I only wanted to impress people with a shitton of pitches. Without giving those voicebanks proper beta testing and overlooking a plethora of quality-related issues while being infatuated with the idea that a voicebank with many pitches, they ended up sounding terrible, and it took me 3-4 years to realize that.

And to be honest, how did people even deal with these voicebanks? :0c

2018 me wasn't so critical of voicebank issues, and now I'm malding over the slightest issues in Maria's and Mario's latest voicebanks even though they're not that much of a problem in the first place. To be fair, being aware of errors in voicebanks and fixing them will significantly improve the overall quality, but it's just that the moment you start being overly aware of the blips and errors in your voicebanks, it's when the voicebank development begins to be more of a painful labour because you just keep catching so many errors at one that it's painstaking to fix them all by yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I love developing voicebanks, but it's also very time consuming finalizing the voicebanks you want to put up for download. But at least the overall result will be smoother and more high quality I suppose. Maria and Mario's newest voicebanks have been improving over the past few months, and I'm running into less issues even though I feel like I might run into more, but I still need to work on the artwork, demos, and the video itself.

I should probably try and not be so hard on myself just because this and that has an issue that can be easy to fix, because at the end of the day, UTAU is a hobby to me, and it should be fun using it and that I can take a break from it any time. I'll try to take things easier, and try not to stress over the smallest things such as having engine noise in the rendered samples. I hope that with the remaining time that I have, I can still pull everything together and perhaps take a break from developing voicebanks for the rest of the year, even if I still have a long way to go.

[adultingautistic]

(09/07) I get frustrated really easily. For example, I can be okay, maybe just a bit stressed about going out, but when I'm adjusting my hair or my outfit it doesn't look like I wanted, so I get nervous. And sometimes it even leads me to a meltdown, or sometimes just like a mini-meltdown. It happens since I was little, though at the time I didn't know I was autistic. But now I'm in my 20s and it seems childish of me to freak out over something so small. I don't know what to do about it

First, I don’t think this is small, and it’s certainly not childish.  As autistics, we are judged based on our appearance so much more harshly than allistics ever face.  Every single day, from multiple people, we are told that we “look wrong”.  We’re standing wrong.  We’re walking wrong.  We’re using our hands wrong.  We’re doing our face wrong.  Our voice is wrong.  We are scrutinized and judged and made fun of and then told it’s all our fault, for being weird in the first place.

This takes a deep toll on a person.  When you’re told every single day that every aspect of who you are is wrong, of course you’re going to start scrutinizing yourself, using those same things the world is teaching you.  You’re going to scrutinize your own body, and the way you stand, and the way you express your face, and the way you talk, and the way you dress, and the way you do your hair, because you’re going to try your damndest to make those allistics stop telling you how wrong you are.  You try to be perfect, absolutely flawless, so that they have nothing to say to you at all.  

When I was in 4th grade (age 9-10), all the kids made fun of my hair because it was messy.  I couldn’t brush it, because of sensory sensitivity that made brushing my hair extremely painful.  I also couldn’t cut it, because I was afab, and apparently having a shaved head like I wanted was socially worse, somehow (according to my mother) than going to school with long hair in permanent knots.

But I was made fun of so harshly for this, that for all of the summer between 4th and 5th grade, I practiced brushing my hair.  It hurt like hell, but I forced myself through it, torturing myself through the tears until I was able to get it totally knot-free, and up into a ponytail.  I practiced making that ponytail every day for the whole summer.

When I got to school in 5th grade, I was so proud of my new hair.  Nobody was going to make fun of me for not brushing my hair now!  And for a few weeks, they really didn’t.

Then one day, and I will never, ever ever forget this day, some of my hair came loose from the ponytail (probably from some normal kid reason, like I was playing on the playground or something), and a boy named Mike said out loud “Why would anyone even want to be friends with Snazzy?  She tries to put her hair in a ponytail and it all falls out.”

I was absolutely devastated.  I didn’t cry until I got home (I knew better than to cry in school), but then I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed, because I had worked so hard, and suffered through immense pain, to make my hair how they wanted, and it still wasn’t good enough.

And so then I doubled down on my hair styling skills.  I didn’t just put a hairtie, oh no.  First, I put a rubber band, to hold it tightly in place, and then covered it with a standard hair tie.  Then I also sprayed it down with hairspray, and I put in clips, and for years and years and years, my hair was flawlessly perfect.  People commented on it all the time, about how perfect my hair was.  Not a single hair out of place, ever.

And then they made fun of me for that. I was ragged on for being “a perfectionist” and “a tight ass” and kids would rub their hand on my head to mess it up because they thought it was hilarious how I screeched and ran into the nearest bathroom to fix it.

It wasn’t until I turned 30, and came out as nonbinary, that I finally grew the courage tell the whole world to go fuck itself, and I chopped all of that hair off, the hair that had always tortured me, and made me a laughing stock and then it was finally gone, and all I needed to “style” it was to wash it and it spiked on it’s own and I was free.

And then people said to me “You always had such beautiful hair, I don’t understand why you cut it all off.”

And my reply to them? In my own mind? Go fuck yourself.

I am autistic.  I will never be what YOU want, so I will be what I want.  If you will not accept me, or value me, no matter what I do, then I will accept me and I will value me, and it is MY hair and I will make it how I want it.

And so no, anon.  This is not a small thing, and you are far, far from childish.  I understand this pain 100%, and I am sorry that you have to face it every single day, when you go to get dressed.  You are NOT exaggerating, you are NOT overreacting, and you are not alone, not at all, because I went through this myself, for years and years and years.  You deserve absolutely none of the judgement that has ever been placed on you regarding your appearance, and all I can say is that you truly are beautiful, exactly as you are, when you are your true self, that is beautiful, and I hope that one day you will be able to see it for yourself. 

[make-me-imagine]

Hello love ♡

First of all, I want to congratulate you on your 5500 follower milestone! That's incredible♡! I love your writings, Mera, and I think that your ship celebration is a wonderful idea!

Could I please request a male matchup for Marvel, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings/Hobbit? With the additional "What you did for your first date" and "Ways they show you they love you without words" headcanons for all three of them? I'm female, she/her.

To begin with, I'm full of contradictions, utterly boring, very insecure and highly complicated. I would say my strongest personality traits are my kindness, calmness and sympathy. It's almost impossible to scare or upset me, because I always see the good in a person and recognize where anger, frustration and despair come from. There's no cruelty in me at all. I'm open and impartial towards everything and everyone, without any judgment or prejudice. I also have a calming/grounding effect on other people and animals, which is great because I honestly love all sorts of animals (I'm also a vegetarian because I refuse to intentionally hurt any animal). I have a faszination for chaos and rebellion, but am quite submessive/timid and a clean-/control freak myself. I'm always well-meaning and there to help others. I despise people who enjoy the suffering of others, just because they have the 'power' to. I'm very open-minded and I think that every opinion matters and that whatever someone has to say is important, at least to them and therefore for me. I will never ignore someone's sorrows and suffering and I try my hardest to help and comfort as best I can. But, even though I see the good in everything, I'm very insecure myself and have little love and understanding for myself. I have a very bad self-esteem and not a particularly positive self-perception, which mostly defines my actions. It makes me believe that I'm a burden to others and that I annoy them. I feel like I'm not "worthy" of love/there's nothing lovable about me, that there are too many problems in contrast to the little good things. Nevertheless, I would never change myself for anything or anyone, I'm who I'm. For me, dealing and interacting with people is really difficult, because I'm so clumsy and nervous around them and easily feel like I'm making a fool out of myself. Another reason is that I fear to be rejected and thrown aside when someone sees how boring, problematic and annoying I actually am. You would be surprised how timid and reserved I'm; I'm sure you wouldn't notice me in a room full of people if it wouldn't be for my different appearance (I'm always wearing only black, have dyed my hair a little and two ear piercings). I almost never like the "typical" heroes and righteous characters. And somehow I have such a undergoing disdain for any figure in the police and law department. Because I'm easily sad and not a funny/joking person, I like and enjoy people who aren't too serious themselves. And I'm the most loyal person you'll ever find, once you earn my trust, I'll always be on and by your side, no matter what. I've always felt like I don't belong anywhere, like I'm the only cat in a room full of dogs. That's probably why I have a soft spot for the weirdos, outcasts, loners and "crazy" ones. Though, in my opinion, the definition of normal, crazy and real are very subjective. My whole life I've felt kinda judged, misunderstood and unwanted. People often falsely think that my unassuming nature is naivity and take my social-insecurity for aloofness and coldness. I'm also quite opinionated and aware of what I want, how I feel and who I am. I'm often questioning my surroundings, the traditions and rules and I have no problem challenging others, even authority. I'm a perfectionist, which often leads me to overthinking and that can be equally good and bad. I'm absolutely clueless in romance and totally oblivious to flirting because I'm 100% inexperienced in this stuff, but I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic.

-Luna 1/2

Hey Luna, I hope you like what I came up with. You provided a bit more information than was necessary lmao, I forgot the word limit for asks was extended. BUT, it was enough to give me a good feel for who to ship you with, so I hope you like them!

All ships are under the cut: 

Marvel: 

I ship you with Clint.

Clint was my immediate thought when reading your information. He is very loyal and kind-hearted and I think would be most drawn to those who are kind, loyal, and have strong morals. He would try his best to show you how great you are through your insecurities, he loves you for who you are and sees no flaws in you. He would be very good at showing his care and love for everything you are. He does not need words to know how you feel as he is very good at seeing through you and knowing what you feel without them.

What you did for your first date: 

You would have a fun yet casual day out date.

First you would go on a walk through a nearby park, talking and joking about everything and nothing. 

Then you would go to a musical instrument museum.

He loves music too, so this would be great for both of you.

You got to see the evolution of music and instruments and listened to various kinds of music.

You spent hours in the museum together.

To finish the date of you went to a restaurant, you chose the place to go too since he knew you were vegetarian and he wanted you to share your favorite place and meals with him. 

Ways they show you they love you without words: 

He loves physical touch as well, so he would often express himself through various physical actions. 

Placing a kiss to the back of your hand, or head. 

Hugging you close to him randomly. 

Wrapping you up in his arms on the couch when watching movies as he randomly kisses the side of your head or face. 

Best Friend: 

I think your best friend would be Steve. He is a very kind and compassionate person and would be very brotherly to you. he would never force you out of your comfort zone and would often check in on you. He can sometimes be a bit serious, but it never pushy towards you. He is very caring and helps you to accept yourself and things around you. 

-

Harry Potter: 

I ship you with Harry. 

Harry is a very encouraging and accepting person and I think he would see the best in you and would never stop showing and proving to you that you are worthy of love and compassion. He would find you to be beautiful and never sees the flaws that you try to convince yourself that you have. I think he would be one of the best people to show you that you matter and are beautiful. 

What you did for your first date:

You first met at Hogwarts, and since there was not much choice in dates he chose something simple that he knew you would enjoy. 

You left during dinner and took an evening stroll around the grounds.

You stayed out past curfew and sat on a nearby hill watching the stars together.

When you began to get sleepy you snuck back in and he walked you back to your room.  

Ways they show you they love you without words:

He brings you your favorite snacks and drinks randomly. 

Randomly drapes his cloak or jacket over your shoulders when you are cold. 

Will take your hand in his and rubs his fingers softly over your skin. 

Hugs you from behind randomly. 

Will play your favorite music throughout the house when he knows that you are stressed or sad. 

Best Friend:

Hermione. She is very good at making you feel better about the world and yourself. She is always open to going on long walks and listening to you rant about anything or just to talk when needed. She is good at giving advice and never lets you feel inferior to anyone. 

-

Lotr: 

I ship you with Aragorn. 

Out of everyone, I think Aragorn would be the best suited for you. He is kind, and patient and sees the best in everyone. He would see the best in you and is very good at showing it to you too. He will always make you feel wanted and needed. He does not let anyone take you for granted and will always stand up for you. He loves that you love music and will sing for you when you are stressed or having trouble falling asleep. 

What you did for your first date:

Aragorn being Aragorn, woud take you on a horse ride to a beautiful forest.

You would go exploring and walking through the meadows.

He would share his knowledge of various plants with you and pick you flowers along the way, making you a small bouquet. 

Once it got late, you two sat on the top of a hill and watched the sunset, waiting for the stars to come out before making your way back. 

Ways they show you they love you without words:

Surprising you with flowers randomly. 

Holding your hand as you walk through town on a quiet evening. 

Bringing you various plants and taking care of them for you.

Planting you a garden with all of your favorite plants and flowers. 

Hand-making you a special pendant to wear or hang somewhere in your home. 

Best Friend:

Out of everyone, I think you would form a bond with Eowyn. She is caring and quiet, and is very easy to get along with She is very good at making people aware of their worth and of feeling wanted. She would never make you angry or disappoint you. I think you two would become so close that you consider each other family. 

xx

[fromaliminalspace]

this post is going to serve as some kind of an intro, because my brain for some reason doesn't feel like letting me go any other way rn

I've been lurking in the MDZS/CQL fandom (particularly in its Yi City corner) for about a year now and even longer on this website in general and most of this time I've been meaning to actually start to fill my blog with stuff (especially now that I for once created a small bunch of it that I just have a hard time convincing myself to share) and engage with people beyond merely sending occasional anon asks to my favorite content creators. so I thought a few weeks ago, hey what if I trick myself into it by setting the deadline on the day I just got into that rabbit hole known as CQL and watched the first episode? tbh I'm way more stressed out about it than necessary, but at least here I am, so that's a win. now I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself and not to be too much of a perfectionist over things like blog maintenance and tagging system

but enough of that, when it comes to somewhat more relevant info, you may expect here videoedits (it doesn't actually deserve plural, so far that's been only one, but I may or may not be planning another one), gifsets, meta and artworks. at least after I deem them polished enough for to be posted, but, once again, I've been recently trying not to let perfectionism get too much in my way, so we'll see how it goes. also I have a couple of fic wips going on, but unlike other stuff they definitely aren't going to see the light of the day in the nearest future, so I guess that's it

anyway, welcome! hope you’ll like it here

[whentherewerebicycles]

Hey! Obviously feel free to ignore this if you don’t have the time or energy for it, but do you have any advice for handling criticism in class? I’m in a language class this semester where I’m likely to be the only student in class a decent amount of the time (the only other person enrolled is auditing), and having a class that's a little over an hour long where I’m just translating out loud and having my mistakes pointed out/corrected is, as it turns out, a lot to handle. (1/4)

I’ve found myself having trouble doing my homework because I’m dreading the professor’s comments in class if I get something wrong or admit to being uncertain. It also doesn’t help that she asks me pointed questions to lead me to the right answer rather than just telling me (which I absolutely understand as a pedagogical choice, but it’s more intense in a way that’s unpleasant in this context). (2/4)

I can handle all of those things in a normal class, when the focus isn’t on me the entire time, but right now it’s too much (and I know objectively it’s fine and expected that I’ll make some mistakes because that’s how learning works). I’ve been working on taking constructive criticism and being less of a perfectionist for years, but I kind of need to find a way to speed up that process or a way to cope in the short term if I’m going to get through this semester. (3/4)

Thanks in advance for anything you can come up with (I know it's a weird situation and mostly tied up in my personal issues, and I'm sure it's hard for my professor too to find a productive way to run a class that's supposed to be discussion based when it's not possible to have a discussion), and I hope you're doing well! (4/4)

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ohhh god this is so tough. first of all, it sounds like a bit of a nightmare - big seminar classes can be socially stressful in different ways but i personally always found it so nervewracking to be in really tiny classes where there was so much attention on you always and nowhere to hide! and your situation sounds like an even more intensified version of that. so like, all of those feelings you are describing feel VERY real!!

here are some thoughts. i know nothing about the professor so you would have a much better read on this than i do -- but i can imagine that if i were in that position as an instructor i would probably be panicking a bit, because it’s such an unusual and not-ideal teaching situation and it’s probably not something she’s used to navigating. it sounds like she is still trying to run it like a class (the familiar version for her) when the reality of the class is more like a one-on-one tutoring situation? which yeah i can imagine must feel REALLY intense and not-great from your end.

(MUCH) MORE BEHIND THE CUT!

i’m also wondering about like.. is she a full professor / slightly older or a grad instructor/postdoc? because sometimes idk the very pointed questioning approach and the inability to adjust to what’s obviously an uncomfortable new situation can be a grad student/inexperienced teacher thing. like you wind up trying to seem more confident or more pointed to conceal your own insecurities or uncertainty about what teaching is supposed to look like in this environment you didn’t practice in. if she is older then idk maybe she’s just not a great teacher, lol. or if it’s over zoom, maybe she’s struggling to read the nonverbal cues that signal student discomfort or dread bc of the screens. and idk if this is a dead language you are studying or a living language but if she’s not a native english speaker there might just be some nuances of like, tone or expression that don’t translate as well. i feel like in the past i’ve had non-native English speaker students who are fully fluent but whose affect just felt very brusque to me at first (i am sure mine also felt VERY bewildering and difficult to read for them too), but it eventually became clear that it was just like, a mismatch of cultural/linguistic communication styles. again, no idea if that applies to your situation or not!

i guess what i’d recommend depends on your sense of her age, personality, openness to feedback, etc. if i were the teacher, i would really, really appreciate having the student share what they’re feeling, even just a tiny bit of it. i think it would help me break out of my own nerves around the situation and start thinking about what the class feels like from their perspective, which would help me move beyond just being trapped in that state of ‘this is so awkward this is so awkward help this is so awful.’ plus it might help break the ice a little and help you both feel a bit more relaxed with each other?

you could do this in writing, or you could approach her in a neutral setting, like in office hours or a private meeting. and obviously, i think you can do it in a way that doesn’t come off as critical of her teaching style (even if it maybe leaves something to be desired). if it were me, i would start with something positive about the setup - ideally something that feels genuine-ish even if not uh totaly true lol, like, “i really appreciate the opportunity to learn a language with so much support, and i’m hoping that i can make a lot of progress this semester with your help” or something like that. and then i think i would TAKE THE RISK of being just a little bit vulnerable and open with her. you could maybe say something like, “i tend to put a lot of pressure on myself to do well, and i can be pretty hard on myself when i make mistakes. usually in a larger class it’s easier to take a break and ease up on myself, or to remind myself that other people are learning too, but when it’s just one-on-one, i’m finding that i’m getting really nervous / making more mistakes than i usually would / being harder on myself than usual.”

i also think that, one thing i find really helpful, is to enlist the other person in finding a solution instead of saying “and this is what i want you to do” or “this is what i want you to stop doing.” trying to think about what that might look like here... like, maybe you could ask her if she has any thoughts on how to kinda mentally reframe the situation for yourself? or you could ask her if you could talk through some ideas with her for working through your nervousness/tendency to self-criticize, and to see if she has feedback or has her own ideas. maybe you could also slip in that like, you want to be able to practice conversations too (assuming it’s not a dead language lol), and you’re wondering if that’s something you could try together sometimes - since it sounds like just translating and having to find your own errors is maybe not the best way to get really comfortable using the language? 

there’s a chance that she will not really grasp what you’re trying to do, or will not be especially receptive to it -- and if that’s the case, it will suck, but it probably will not in the long run make things significantly more awkward (given how awkward and stressful the situation seems already!). but there’s also a chance that she just genuinely doesn’t know how you feel, or feels frozen in those really rigid professor/student roles and isn’t comfortable initiating a more relaxed classroom environment herself. in that case, taking a little bit of a risk and letting her glimpse your own inner life/emotional state might wind up making a really big difference - or at least like, it might start a conversation that you could continue to build on over the course of the semester.

another small way that you might begin to shift the dynamic of the class is to come with some questions or ideas of your own, either in class or in office hours - not like, grammar questions that she will ask you pointed questions to lead you to the correct answer, but questions about the culture, or about her own research/work, or about some aspect of something you’ve been reading related to the language. asking those questions and then maybe like, drawing her out by asking follow-up questions and engaging in a conversation with her about it could be one way of sort of breaking out of that rigid pattern the class seems to have fallen into. and it might also be another way of sort of sneakily giving her a glimpse into your inner life and helping her see you not just as a student whose errors need to be corrected but as a person who has interests and thoughts and feelings of your own. at the very least, it could buy you some time and a little bit of an emotional reprieve from the hour of translating and having your errors corrected!

lastly: one thing i often advise students to do when they are in a difficult or intimidating class is to set one small personal or interpersonal goal per week -- just one tiny thing they’re going to try to do to shift their perception of the class or change their experience a little bit or establish a different kind of connection with a peer or the professor. i suggest doing this not because i think it’s the student’s responsibility to singlehandedly change the culture of a learning environment (it’s not) -- but because setting little concrete goals and achieving them can boost our own sense of confidence and agency in a learning environment where we might otherwise feel totally helpless or at the mercy of the instructor. it’s just a way of shifting your understanding of what you’re doing from “i’m just coping” or “i’m just surviving/enduring” to more of a, “i’m creatively finding a way to make this experience useful/better for myself” mentality. also i find that the goal-setting thing can also feel playful, in a way -- a little secret mission you’re undertaking! and it also gives you something to focus on that isn’t just fixating on how unpleasant that hour is or how much you’re dreading the next class.

so like, maybe one goal could be to ask her a small talk type question about her own life -- and then ask a follow-up question to see if she’ll share a little more. or you could resolve to share one piece of personal information about your life outside the classroom, as part of that larger goal of helping her see you as a whole person. or you could resolve that in one of those pointed questioning sessions, instead of just letting her guide you to the right answer, you could turn the question back on her or ask her to talk you through it in a different way -- “I think it’s this, but I’m actually wondering, why is that? i keep getting x and y mixed up, and i’m wondering if it’s because...” like, see if you can think about the kind of pedagogical experience you’d rather be having in this class, and then look for tiny creative little ways to nudge her towards it.

i also think that, if you want to get real sneaky about it, you could use basic positive reinforcement to signal to her when she does a teaching thing you really appreciate. this is the most secret mission-y of all haha because you’re basically seeing if you can condition her into teaching in a way that feels better/more useful for you. body language and nonverbal cues like smiling, leaning forward, nodding, looking attentive, etc., can be a good way of doing that (esp if you are usually a little more disengaged bc you are busy experiencing your own inner dread!!). and then you could gradually ramp it up -- for instance, you could make a point of really earnestly thanking her for something, in class or in a follow-up email after (being as specific as possible about what you appreciated and why). or if you get her talking about something related to culture or literature or whatever, you could send her something you found that reminded you of that conversation, to show that you are listening to the things she’s said and are engaged/curious about them. humans are social creatures and most of us (not all!) are pretty hyper-attuned to that kind of positive social feedback, even just at an unconscious level. so getting those cues is probably going to be helpful to her as a teacher, and will also make her feel better too, and might eventually help her sort of warm up/relax a bit in a way that is conducive to a better teaching/learning experience. 

(this is basically like when you think you’re training your dog to do something, and then one day you wake up and realize that your dog has 100% trained you to do exactly the thing they want, exactly when they want it, and they were just letting you think that you were the one calling the shots lol. be the dog!)

i have no idea if any of this will be helpful, but i hope that it will at least spark some ideas for you for ways of approaching this class! good luck -- YOU GOT THIS!!!! -- and i would really love to hear how it goes or what ends up working for you.