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dreamescapeswriting · 4 years ago

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The Collaboration ~ OT7 [Request]

WORD COUNT: 2.1K

GENRE: Fluffy, platonic, established friendship,

PAIRING: Platonic ot7 x Fem!Reader

A/N: I hope this is okay for you sweetheart! It’s been a while since I’ve tried to write ot7 so I hope you enjoy this

The friendship that you had with the BTS boys was no secret, it had been public knowledge since the moment you meant them backstage at an award ceremony almost two years ago. One of your stylists had been recording you getting your hair and makeup done when there was a knock at the door and your manager walked in with them. It was hands down one of the best days of your life, even better than the day you signed your contract to become a singer and actress. The whole video consisted of you freaking out a little before finally coming down from the excitement and just talking with them. You'd been an ARMY for years so getting to meet them in person had been so surreal and then getting to call them all your friends was even more surreal to you.

But the friendship was hugely publicised since you and BTS were both huge artists within the industry which meant a lot of articles were written about you and the boys together. Not all of the articles written about you both had been the nicest, some were and others were a lot worse. Some writing about how you were a nobody until it came to BTS. Some claiming you were dating one of the boys while others claimed that you were dating them all, which would be nearly impossible since you saw them as brothers and they saw you as a sister. Those ones happened to be your favourite to read but mostly because your fans and ARMY would be in the comments defending you or going along with it just to try and troll some people. There had been thousands of edits made to make it look as though you were dating which at first creeped you out and you made a statement about it which lead to less and less being made. It was nice to have that sort of vibe with your fans when they would actually listen to what was going on and what you did and did not like to see.

"The latest articles on us, have you read them?" You questioned Yoongi as you walked into his studio carrying two cups, one with your hot chocolate and another with coffee inside for Yoongi. You'd flown out to Korea for a break from your latest acting gig and decided to visit the boys while you had the chance to see them and actually spend some time together. Most of the boys were still working while you waited for them to go out to lunch with you,

"What is it?" Yoongi chuckled taking the drink you were holding out for him as you brought up the article on your phone and sat down on the sofa behind you, the articles had begun the moment you touched down in Korea. It was going to take you a minute to be able to translate it all into Korean for him but you did your best, the Korean lessons with Namjoon and Jin were paying off really well.

"According to this one I'm using you guys for your fame, I'm only around you whenever I need to go up in fame points," You let out a small laugh at the thought of it. Were fame points even a thing? You continued to scroll through the website when went to the next one which instantly made you want to scream, Jimin walked into the room ready to tell you that he was ready for lunch when he saw the look on your face. It sent shivers up and down his back and made him feel like he was in trouble with you.

"You've got that murderous look on your face, Yoongi...What did you say?" Jimin questioned looking between you and Yoongi as he tried to figure out what could have been said to make you look this angry at something.

"Nothing...He didn't-" You mumbled as you scrolled through the article that was claiming that both of the fandoms were toxic together when it couldn't be further from the truth. Both fandoms were the sweetest you'd seen, ARMY had been so welcoming to you and your fans as well as vice versa. It honestly felt as though they were more like family members to one another than just random fans. You regularly found them defending one another whenever you went onto your personal Twitter account t update your fandom on things.

"A writer is claiming that our fandoms are the most toxic ones out there..." You mumbled as you brought up your keyboard and began getting ready to type out something on your page, you knew you were supposed to rise above things and if it had been about you you would have done. But since it was about people you scared about you had to take the matter into your own hands,

@Y/NOfficial: Thank you to all of you that are always trying to be kind and treat everyone nicely. It's refreshing to see all of you act on behalf of me and other people on this app. You're always so kind and caring and I love to see it.

Along with it, you attached a photo of you with the boys from the night you arrived in Korea so that people would know what you were indirectly tweeting about and just like that people were coming to add smirking emojis or to start laughing about what it was you were actually talking about.

"We should do something..." You muttered as you looked back at Yoongi and Jimin ideas filling your head within seconds. A collabortation between you and the boys had been in talk for a while but neither of your managers had come together to put the plan into action.

"What are you thinking?" Jimin quizzed as he sat himself down next to you looking over at your phone to see what you had just sent out.

"We've spoken about it, Yoongi and I both have song ideas we've been working on..." Yoongi turned to look at you from his chair as he nodded along to what you were saying instantly knowing what you were talking about. There was a huge folder on his laptop dedicated to the work you'd both been doing together both long-distance and in person.

"I still have it all saved on my laptop if you want to take a look at it all." The statement was directed in Jimin's direction as you both waited for him to say something to it,

"Sure...What have you been working on?" He moved closer to Yoongi to take a look over everything and you smiled. The things you and Yoongi had been putting together were a backing track with some melodies and adlibs you'd both been doing overtime. It was far from being done but it was better than having nothing to go off, all you needed to do was get the okay from both of your managers and the rest of the boys.

"I've been working on a rap part for Hoseok and Namjoon and Y/n has been writing her own lyrics for her parts," Yoongi mumbled as you grabbed a spare chair to sit down next to him with. Hitting play he let the melody and your rough lyrics fill the air of his small studio.

The collaboration had been amazing, the song was one of your best works in your opinion and the videos were shot and ready to be released at a moments notice. Teasers had been being released all month between your account and the BTS one but neither of the fandoms had put it together that this would be some kind of collaboration. The teasers for the songs had been dramatically different from one another, Yoongi changing the melodies on his and yours just so that nobody would be able to place that they were the same track. Your Twitter had been focussing on releasing your parts in the video with your words and then the boy's parts only being theirs. The fans had no idea but there were a select few that had pieced it together bit by bit and were starting to realise what was happening but no one else seemed to piece it together.

"It's almost midnight," You said over the call to the boys, all of them were sitting on skype with you as they waited inside Hoseok's studio this time. They were all sitting on the sofa in his room watching the countdown on one of the monitors, the plan was to release the music videos at the same time and wait to see what would happen with the fandoms.

"We've worked so hard for this," Namjoon chuckled as he handed all of the boys a small drink each to celebrate with, you had your own glass of wine to drink while you waited as well. Jungkook cleared his throat as he got up to give a small speech about how much he'd enjoyed working with you.

"You guys worked so great, I don't know how I'll thank you enough." You whispered as you looked at each of them through the screen feeling an overwhelming urge to cry as you thought about how close you'd all grown as a friendship group. This time it was your turn to get a sappy speech but the countdowns began and you smirked looking at the titles, both the same song and video on each channel but the boys had their title while yours was left as. Y/n Y/L/N ???? For a little extra surprise to the fans. Taehyung began counting down from one minute and thirty seconds and the rest of you began to join in with him.

"5...4...3...2...1," The iconic BigHit entertainment logo and intro filled the speakers in your room and you let out a small squeal at the thought of it finally being live after the months of working on it. The boys cheered as the music started and Jin opened up the song for you all walking around their dorms on the screen.

"I'm going to check Twitter!" You yelled out as you brought out your phone to see all of the different reactions that were coming out from the video. Mostly people freaking out thinking Youtube had crashed and placed both videos onto the channel until your line came up. In the music video, you walked onto the set and began singing through your part of the song as if it was casual. The video idea had been that it was just supposed to be a casual setting at the dorms and you randomly walked through the front door and sat with them while singing. The song was about friendship, which wasn't like a lot of songs any of you had written before but it felt like it needed to be said. That people could be friends or more like family members without having to hate one another or have everyone assume that they were dating. It was mostly a huge slap in the face to all the media outlets claiming that you couldn't be friends with the guys because they were...well guys.

"THE COLLAB OF A LIFETIME!" Someone had tweeted out with your retweet of the music video link, you smirked reading through everything that was on the screen, your whole dash refreshing itself every two seconds. Everyone seemed to be loving the fact that you had decided to finally collaborate with the boys,

"They love it," You giggled as you sipped on your glass of wine in celebration of the song coming out, cheering along with the boys.

The night continued on as you waited for people to react to it until you decided to go live on Instagram. The boys were all gone now so you wanted to see what everyone was thinking of it now so you set your phone up on your desk and got ready to read through everything.

"I can't wait to see your reaction videos tomorrow, you guys know I watch all of them." You laughed softly as you stared into the small screen of your phone reading through the thousands of comments that were flying through. Play with your hair if this was because of the article about you using the boys for fame. #Y/nandBTSTakeOver You smirked to yourself before playing with the ends of your hair and winking into the camera, going back to answering more questions from your fans and ARMY wanting them to know how the collaboration had come to be and if there would be more work with them in the future.

Tagline: @lyoongx @mitzwinchester @fan-ati--c @kneel-begyourpardon @taestannie @rjsmochii @bisexualmess007 @innersooya @sw33tnight @sweeneyblue1 @jin-from-the-block

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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 5 years ago

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Umm maybe one with Cal (obvi lol) where he randomly posts you. Maybe you've been dating for 3 years and they only see blurs of your face or the back of your head when you go see him or go to events with him. And its a long ass caption about how you're that BITCH and he loves you so much. And then you see and are like "bro wtf" and you ask him about and he shrugs it off and says he wanted to world to see his world

So, I’m a whole dumbass and accidentally deleted the first draft of this. But I managed to save it, even though I have the memory of a goldfish. I hope you enjoy.

Take a gander at my masterlist!

Reader Insert. No specific race, gender, or sexuality!

__________________________________

Gratitude

Calum’s body is sprawled across yours. His head is on your chest. His arms are wrapped around you, meeting at your back, hugging you like a child clutches onto their favorite stuffed animal. But it’s you. And you are no stuffed animal. Your fingers lightly drag through the blonde but turning brunette strands. They’ve started to curl in around each other. You wonder if he’s ever going to ask you to cut his hair, if you guys will join the cull of people in desperate times. He has clippers and guards under the sink. It’s not like he hasn’t resorted to the buzz at home before. You’re not going to push it though. There’s enough to worry about as it stands.

There’s promotion before the album’s release and now after too. There are interviews at all times of the day it seems. There was shooting at home for the ‘Wildflower’ music video. If it’s not something he brings up, you’re definitely not going too. There’s plenty already to worry about. Maybe even too much to worry about. But you’re glad that Calum’s found a moment to rest. It’s evaded you though, for the moment and for the last couple of days if you’re honest. Even with a pretty consistent sleep schedule, you still find your mind racing. Like there’s not plenty of time for that during the day.

Reaching up, you grab your phone from the edge of the back of the couch, right on the ledge. You placed it there not worried about it falling, when Calum first collapsed into you. You figure there’s nothing wrong, for the moment, to expose yourself to some blue light and social media. It all feels like a fog though. Twitter is nothing but the same memes, the same ads, the sameness of everyone ghosting into a void where sometimes the void echoes back. And down and down you go, liking some tweets here and there, but to no avail to find any real distractions. Occasionally, you snort at a meme, but it’s just a quick chuckle.

You turn to Instagram. You’re bound to have the same results, something so mind numbing it can’t even numb anymore. And as the app loads, you watch all the people with icons shuffling across the top of the screen. You tap on the first one and let it cycle all the way through, before repeatedly tapping through them. You pause at ones that look interesting, watching them all the way through. One hand drifts back down to Calum’s head, scratching ever so lightly at his scalp. He burrows deeper into you, squeezing you in his arms just a little.

Swiping away from the stories, you scroll the posts and not even three posts down, you notice the photo of yourself. Then you see Calum’s account as the culprit. It’s of your silhouette mostly as you twirl under streetlights. You remember then the photo was snapped. Just eight months into your relationship and you had been given a promotion at work. Calum wanted to celebrate by grabbing a quick treat from your favorite bakery. It was late and you felt like being a little fancy, and stopped by a bar just to grab one drink. One celebratory drink. And as the two of you exited, rain started to fall. Rain in L.A. isn’t too common and you had to bask in the moment, just for a moment, since it was so light. So you started laughing as you spun around the sidewalk. You hadn’t even noticed Calum snapping the photo until you saw it as his homescreen two weeks later.

There are several blue dots at the bottom of the picture. So you swipe left. This photo is of you, too, but your face is mostly hidden by Duke’s body, just a portion of your forehead and eye visible because of the angle. It had to be from a year or so into the relationship given the style and length of your hair. And you nearly laugh at yourself for thinking that a year was so early on, now that you’re three years into this. But god, it really was early on. Now you can’t picture your morning routine without Calum being grumpy and without Duke whining to be let out and Calum pouting that Duke’s steals all your attention. You always rectify the pouts with two kisses to his forehead and never less than those two kisses either.

Taking a quick moment, you look around for the old man and spy him curled up at the end of your feet. And you have to grin. He’s never too far from Calum at all when Calum’s home. You turn your attention back to your phone and swipe again. The next photo is of half your face. A little blurred thanks to Calum’s shaky hands and questionable photography skills. But you can tell, thanks to the grass below and the wristband this was from the Coachella adventures. You swipe again. It’s your full face, hidden by some shadows as you laugh from the top of the ladder. From the ventures of painting the bedroom again, it was nothing drastic but still, took you and Calum two days to finish the painting. As you swipe again, there’s one last photo, of you three days, grinning hard into the camera while leaning against the kitchen counter. You were just waiting for the water to boil and listening to a podcast before starting dinner. You noticed Calum coming into the kitchen and when he mumbled for you to look up at him, you saw the phone and smiled as hard as you could.

As time goes on, things get clearer. Being with you just makes sense. And I know when you see this, you’ll probably be a little mad. Duke, I’ll need to share that bed with you. I can only hope it’s big enough. I’m not sure why it’s hard to say to you right now, face to face. You’re just on the couch and I’m just at the kitchen table. And I know, I’m a pretty private guy. But something about being with you just makes sense, so much damn sense. It’s just been us, when the road got narrow and when it was all too easy to walk, hell, maybe even run along, we still had each other. No relationship sails smoothly and no planes out there that’s ever flown doesn’t hit some turbulence. Every time though, we’ve come out stronger and together still. There’s no important date for this, the 3rd anniversary has come and gone, but there seems like no better time to say thank you. So, thankyou. Thankyou. Thankyou.

You don’t realize there are tears until one slips down your cheek and splashes onto the phone screen. Your inhale is shaky and you’re trying to swallow down the sobs. They still come through, like coughs from your chest and you’re sure you’re trembling. Calum feels you shaking, squeezing again unsure if you’re moving out from underneath him. “Five more minutes,” he mumbles, readjusting the position of his head.

He doesn’t miss the sniffle though and when he sits up, eyes admittedly still puffy with sleep, and sees you with one hand over your mouth and tears streaking your face, he panics. “Baby? What the hell happened?” He’s cupping your face, wiping at the tears and soon, he’s sitting completely up, and against the couch cushions. You pull your leg out from behind his body. Calum waste no time to tuck you up into his arms, chin resting on the top of your head. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here for you.”

“I saw the post,” you manage to get out, now able to control the emotions racking through you.

His grip slackens. You hear the rumble of his soft laugh. “So is the couch cushions my source of warmth tonight?”

You have no problem with Calum posting photos. You just hadn’t expected him to post something like that. Pushing up to your knees, you gently cup his cheek. He reciprocates the tender hold. “No, I was just shocked that’s all. Came out of left field.” His thumb clears away the stray tears and yours just gently brushes along the stumble that’s started to prick through his skin.

“I just love you, that’s all. And we’ve been together for three years and I can see three more together, and three more after that. And three more after that. And three more after that. And three more after. And hell, twenty after that. Just wanted the world to see my world.”

“Calum Thomas, you’re so fucking cheesy, but goddamn do I love you.” He gives a quick smile before you capture his lips, hands cupping both cheeks. And soon you trail them up his nose, kissing between his brows, over each eye and then kissing twice on his forehead.

-H

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kitkatwinchester · 4 years ago

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Aesthetic Tag Game

Thanks for tagging me @jelly-pies and @letscatchyoulater! I know you guys tagged me a while ago, but it took me a bit to come up with my own aesthetics lol. It was super fun though!!

Rules: Bold the aesthetics you relate to and add twenty of your own aesthetic qualities for others to bold

I’m tagging @baloobird, @jen27ny, @crowleyellestair, @howdoistopthetrain, @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover, @ironfamjam, @jolinarjackson, @irondad-not-ironsad, @joyful-soul-collector, @justme--emily, and @annieshurley.

#tag game #aesthetics #enjoy! <3

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girls-scenarios · 6 years ago

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Tugging At My Heart

Idol: Mina (Twice)

Prompt: Could you do a Soulmate AU! Twice MinaxReader? Reader keeps feeling the force pulling them to Korea so they ended up travelling and wandered around and Mina feels the same thing so Twice are helping her to meet her soulmate. Sorry if its lame and its not too elaborate. Thank you in advance if you do this! Hope you all are doing good! 💕

Writer: Admin Kiwi

A/N: So this soulmate au was a little harder than the other ones because I couldn’t really decide how I wanted the story to end, and I ended up talking to my best friend about it. But hopefully you all enjoy!

It was the weirdest thing. You’d known about soulmates almost your entire life. Of course you had, everyone talked about them. Half your friends had met their soulmates in high school, so you knew how the process worked. Still, you had never been expecting this to happen. Not to you. And not while you were still in college.

“I can’t really explain it,” you said to your roommate as you stared at your blank laptop screen, arms crossed over your chest. “I just feel this... urge. Like I have to go to South Korea right now or I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life. It’s like a pull, or a tug, or something. It hurts a little in my chest.”

“That’s a soulmate feeling, dude,” your roommate said from their bed. “I’ve met my soulmate. They lived in Tennessee, and we were both in our senior year of high school when we got the feeling. Imagine telling your parents that you have to travel to Memphis right now at age seventeen during midterms. It was weird.” You shot them a look.

“Memphis isn’t South Korea. I don’t even really know Korean. I would have no idea how to get around, or who to talk to. It’s not like I have any friends over there.” Your roommate shrugged and went back to looking down at their phone.

“Then you’d better download one of those language apps and start learning. Trust me, you don’t want to miss out on missing your soulmate.” You bit your lip and looked back down at your laptop. After a moment, you moved the mouse, and the screen lit back up to the page you’d been looking at before: plane tickets to Seoul, South Korea. You hadn’t wanted to admit it, but the truth was loud and clear in your heart.

Your soulmate was in South Korea somewhere. And you were going to have to go find them.

“You think my professors will understand if I randomly up and leave for Korea?”

“Probably not but you can try. Maybe do some makeup work?” You pursed your lips together, and picked up your phone, navigating through the app store until you landed on a Korean language app. Then, with a deep breath, you clicked “download”, and turned your attention back to the plane tickets. Oh well. There was no going back now.

A few weeks later, you were stepping off the plane in Seoul, tired and jetlagged but with the feeling still tugging at your chest. You wanted to follow your heart, quite literally, but you just couldn’t. It was a miracle you didn’t fall asleep in the cab, and a miracle that the staff at your hotel could somehow understand your garbled Korean, but soon enough, you were collapsing into a clean hotel bed, and your eyes were slipping closed.

You’d find your soulmate after catching up on some sleep.

When you woke up, it was to your chest aching like never before. The tug was so strong that you sat straight up, still sleepy and confused and just wanting the pain to stop. It took you a minute to remember where you were, and why you were there in the first place, but as soon as you remembered, you were stumbling out of bed and moving to get ready. You really had no idea where you were headed, but you’d already made up your mind: you were going to follow your heart.

It was a rare day off when Mina woke up in pain, chest feeling tight and breath short. Immediately, her brain had told her what it was, but she couldn’t be sure until someone else said it.

“It’s definitely a soulmate pain,” Sana said about thirty minutes later, after Mina had gathered all the girls into the center of the dorm. “You said that it’s a sharp tugging feeling, right?”

“Right,” Mina replied, clutching a pillow close to her as she looked at her friend. “It feels like someone wrapped a rope around my heart and is pulling for me to follow them.”

“See? Soulmate pain. I would know, I’ve met my soulmate.”

“We all know,” Nayeon said, rolling her eyes. “You talk about Eunha all the time.”

“Because I love her with all my heart. But that’s not the issue at hand here.” Sana shot the older girl a look before crossing her arms and turning her attention back to Mina. “That pain means that your soulmate is close and looking for you too. You need to follow where you feel like it’s telling you to go.”

“I didn’t know it hurt this much,” Mina said, voice soft as she looked at the ground. Momo let out a sigh and put her arms around her best friend.

“It’ll stop hurting as soon as you meet your soulmate, I promise.”

“Then let’s go find them. I hate this feeling.”

“Where do you feel like your heart is telling you to go?” Jihyo asked, and Mina bit her lip, trying to think.

“That.... That cafe that we visit all the time. The cute one with the panda family painted on the wall. It’s telling me to go there.” Her members looked at each other before turning back to her with a smile.

“Then, we’d better get going. We need to find your soulmate and stop that pain in your chest,” Sana said, holding out her hand for Mina to take. The younger girl smiled and took her friend’s hand, already feeling better about all of this. She really had the best friends in the world.

You ended up wandering around the area close to the hotel, kind of lost on what to do or where to go, until you looked at a little cafe and felt something telling you to go inside. Since you were kind of relying on your heart to find your soulmate, you followed your instincts and stepped inside, looking around.

The place was cute, a little panda family painted on one of the walls and cool bamboo light-fixtures. You took a moment to look around and take in the decor before heading up to the counter and pulling out your wallet and your phone. The sign with all the drinks on it hanging above the counter still looked foreign to you, so you resorted to asking the barista to give you whatever she recommended, stumbling over your Korean with an awkward smile.

She was nice, though, and once you’d paid, she told you to stand at the other end of the counter in English. Letting out a sigh of relief, you hoped that you’d get something good and moved to the other end, looking down at your phone.

It was still fairly early in the day, but something was making you feel anxious. Were you going to be able to find your soulmate? Was this all just for nothing, did you make the right decision?

The thoughts made you sigh, and you opened up your social media to see photos of your friends and family, hoping that it would make you feel a little better. You were so distracted by your own thoughts that you didn’t notice the group of girls coming through the doors.

The same barista greeted them in her happy voice, but you hardly recognized it until a soft voice broke through the noise and settled in your head.

“I’ll just have my usual, please.” The voice made your heart jump and tug harder than ever, and you slowly looked up from your phone to see the speaker.

A girl with dark, shoulder-length hair and a sweet smile stepped back, letting one of her friends step forward to order, and oh. That was her. It had to be.

“Um, hello.” Her head turned, and her eyes met yours. And suddenly, the pain that you’d been dealing with for so long was gone, replaced by a feeling of warmth spreading across your body. You couldn’t help smiling as her mouth dropped slightly open. “I think you might be my soulmate.”

“I knew my heart was telling me to come here,” she said, finally smiling back at you and tucking her hair behind her ear. There was a flush on her cheeks, and she glanced from you to the floor, shy. “It’s nice to finally meet you.” Somehow, all the Korean you’d learned preparing for this trip came back to you, and you weren’t struggling over your words.

“It’s nice to meet you too. What’s your name?”

“I’m Mina. And you?”

“I’m (Y/N). I’m so glad I found you, I really am.” You let out a little laugh and pressed one hand to your chest. “I flew all the way here just to follow this tug.” Mina opened her mouth, like she was about to say something, but the barista interrupted, calling your name for your drink and making the both of you jump. The two of you glanced from the drink and then back to each other, before Mina burst into giggles.

“I’d love to get to know you better, (Y/N).” With a flush in your cheeks but a smile on your lips, you picked up your drink.

“I’d like to get to know you too. Should we go find ourselves a table?” Mina turned back to look at her group members, who waved her on with big smiles. Then, she looked at you and nodded.

“Let’s go.”

Soon, the two of you were tucked into one of the back tables for two, drinks in hand and smiles in place, asking each other questions about anything and everything. Finally, the pain was gone, and you were happy. Sure, it had taken a lot to get here, but one look into Mina’s dark eyes filled you with warmth, and when her hand met yours you felt like you were soaring, and you knew that, for her, you’d do it all again.

#twice #mina #myoui mina #twice mina #twice scenarios #twice scenario #mina scenario #myoui mina scenario #mina scenarios #twice mina scenarios #girl group scenarios #kpop scenario #kpop girl groups #girl groups

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so-writing · 6 years ago

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Digital Get Down - Valter Skarsgard

Terrible title, ridiculously good NSYNC song.

I’m feeling a little weird about posting this because it’s totally possible he’ll see it, but fuck it, we’re all anonymous here!

This is the first request for another brother and I didn’t plan to write multiple parts but it really got away from me. Not sure how I feel about it so far, you guys be the judge.

“Someone made you famous, Paige.”

“What?”

I looked up from my book and over at my roommate sitting on the couch scrolling through her phone.

“That thing you tweeted this morning about having the weekend off work had one other like when I first saw it, it now has 307.”

“Excuse me? I don’t even have 307 followers. Show me.”

Closing my book, I hopped off the chair and joined her on the couch. The tweet had 307 likes and 8 retweets. I had gained a few new followers as well.

“You went a little viral, can I come when you move out to LA and start selling skinny tea on Instagram?”

Several hours and six or seven shots of vodka later, I was laying in bed after a night out with friends. Randomly remembering the tweet, I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and opened the Twitter app.

Who had interacted with my tweet that it got that much attention? I normally got little to no action on Twitter, so this was different.

A lot of the likes were just random people, there were a few verified checks but most of them were joke accounts. Nothing really stuck out.

Valter Skarsgård liked your Tweet

Except that.

Throwing the blankets from my body, I stumbled out of bed and clumsily ran to wake my roommate.

“Anna!” I pounded my fists on the door, “Anna it was fuckin a Skarsgard!”

“Jesus Paige, you are drunk,” she shouted through the door, “go to bed!”

Ignoring her, I started jiggling the knob until she grew irritated enough to open the door to tell me to fuck off.

“Wait!” I put my hand up before she could say anything and shoved my phone at her. “Look at this! Look at this!”

“Well damn, he retweeted it too, that’s probably where all the likes came from. He has a decent sized following. I wonder how he found it in the first place?”

“You should send him a message.”

“I think the fuck not. He’d probably ignore it, I’m sure he gets a ton of messages from random girls.”

“No, you should definitely send him a message because he followed you too. You have your Instagram posted on Twitter right? I’m checking that too.”

We had moved into her room and were sitting on her bed. I panicked as she combed through my social media.

I had been following Valter on both Instagram and Twitter for over a year. I watched his streams when I could but never commented in his chat. I liked his tweets and photos on Instagram but never attempted to interact with him.

He’s a Swedish celebrity and I’m a random girl that lives on the other side of the world. I always assumed we’d never have any contact, just like all of the other famous people I follow on social media.

“You have a new follow request. You should decide whether you want to accept or not.”

The devious look on her face made me tense as I looked to see who the request was from.

When I saw, I instantly hit confirm.

“Fuck, maybe I should send him a message.”

“I mean, I’ll be pissed if you don’t. Don’t do it tonight though, you’re still drunk and will send something stupid. Wait until tomorrow morning.”

Sleep came easily and to my surprise, I didn’t wake up feeling as hungover as expected. I went about my usual morning routine and cleaned up the apartment a little bit, purposely avoiding all social media for fear of… I’m not sure what exactly.

It was still very much a surprise that Valter Skarsgard knew I even existed.

Anna had left for work, which meant I would have to find the courage to actually send the message that I would probably write and then erase at least ten times. She was right though, if I didn’t at least try to contact him, I’d be regretting it later.

“Here we go, you think I can do this Giz?”

Gizmo, my cat, rubbed against my legs and meowed loudly.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Upon opening the instagram app, I saw a notification for a message. I thought nothing of it, Anna and I were always sending stuff to each other through direct messaging.

The message was not from Anna.

“Funny tweet. Cute cat.”

Holy shit. Valter had messaged me first and he had looked at my photos, because instagram was the only place Gizmo was posted.

“Thanks. Yours are cute too. I’ve seen them on your stream a few times.”

His reply was instant.

“You watch my streams? I hope you enjoy them.”

“I do, you’re very entertaining.”

“Thanks, I’d hope so, it is how I make my money after all.”

I wasn’t sure how to continue the conversation. If I started asking him about acting, he might get the wrong idea. I decided to go with what I had been thinking since last night.

“So, not to be rude or anything, but I’m curious… Why did you reach out to me?”

Usually when you start a sentence with ‘not to be rude’ you’re about to be rude as fuck and I had forgotten that until a second after I sent the message.

This time, his response wasn’t as quick. Seven minutes passed and I started to get nervous that I’d ruined it and he’d never get back to me.

Refusing to let myself get worked up over something so stupid and small, I didn’t even fucking know the guy, I put my phone in my purse and decided to grab some lunch.

The taco place I wanted to get food from was a short walk away and I forced myself to only think of what kind of tacos I was going to order.

It was once I had already placed, received and was seated a in a small corner booth with the tacos in front of me that my hands began to sweat. I needed to check my phone. He might have just been busy and unable to get to his phone.

“I stumbled across your Twitter and liked what you were posting. I’m not really sure, I just felt social I guess. I can fuck off if you want?”

“No, I don’t want that at all. It was just completely unexpected. I’m glad you did though.”

“Weirdly, me too. I never do this kind of thing. Do you mind if we talk in a different way, though? I get so many bullshit messages that I lose track of actual conversations on here.”

We talked through iMessage for the rest of the day about mostly surface level stuff. He’d given me an email instead of a phone number, insisting that he was sure I didn’t have bad intentions but he still had to look out for himself.

Anna and I were sitting in the living room watching TV while I texted with Valter.

“You’ve really been talking to baby Skarsgard all day? This isn’t some kind of alternate universe?”

“I cannot confirm or deny anything, but as far as I know, I’m pretty sure all of this actually happened.”

“You know he reached out because he thinks you’re hot, right?”

“I’m not sure about that.”

“Paige, really?! Your location is on both your instagram and Twitter. He didn’t message a random girl halfway around the world because he liked her tweets and thought she had a sparkling personality.”

“He’s famous in his country! I think he’d have no trouble finding a hookup on his side of the Atlantic.”

“I’m not saying he didn’t like what you posted, I’m sure he did. I’m saying that he looked at your profile picture and probably thought you were attractive so he requested you on instagram and confirmed his thought that you were attractive so he messaged you. I’m also not saying he’s trying to hook up with you or anything, but I am saying that he messaged you because you’re hot. Ask him.”

“I’m not doing that.”

“I will then.”

Anna lunged across the couch and snatched my phone before I could react.

“Anna please don’t!”

She was quick and made it to the bathroom, locking the door behind her, before I could catch her.

“Seriously, please don’t, I don’t want to him to stop talking to me.”

“Why do you care so much? You said yourself the conversation has been pretty basic and that it would probably just drop off in a day or two.”

I didn’t have a good response. I didn’t want him to stop talking to me because I liked the attention but ultimately it wouldn’t matter because we would eventually, probably sooner than later, lose touch.

“Fine, I don’t care. Ask him whatever you want.”

Giving up, I went back into the living room, dropped onto the couch and waited for her to return from embarrassing me.

Several minutes passed. I muted the TV and listened to what should have been silence. Anna was in the bathroom still, but she was talking to someone.

The door opened a moment later and she held my phone above her.

“Ok, I’m going to sit down with Paige and you tell me what you think.”

A shiver ran down my spine and my eyes went wide when she sat and I finally saw the screen.

If it hadn’t been clear to me before, it was now. I was looking at FaceTime between Anna, myself and Valter Skarsgard.

“So what do you think? Is Paige pretty?”

He must have been sitting at his computer, because the background of the chat was what you saw when you watched his livestream.

He ran the hand that wasn’t holding the phone through his blonde hair and then across his face, a smile visible on his lips.

“Yeah, she’s pretty.”

#Valter Skarsgård #valter skarsgard imagine #sowritingvalter

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sleeplessintothenight · 6 years ago

Text

Love Your Shelf

I took a deep breath hoping to calm my nerves before opening my eyes. The room felt empty despite the endless boxes that walled me in. I ran my fingers through the shaggy carpet as I laid on my back, contorting my body to fit between the towers I had yet to unpack. I began to feel my chest tighten as my mind began to list out all the tasks that remained incomplete. I took another deep breath in an attempted to postpone the mental list making for a few minutes.

I sat up and pulled out my phone from my pocket. I swiped around before opening my notes app and began to list out all the tasks I had already completed. Turns out I had accomplished more than I thought. All the foundational stuff had already been unpacked. The furniture placement needed to be fine tuned, but it was pretty much there. My clothes had been neatly tucked away into my dressers and the kitchen just needed a trip down grocery lane. With a plan of attack on paper and out of the endless thoughts in my head I set out to accomplish what had felt impossible moments ago. I stood up, using a stack of boxes as support and began to discover what each box had hidden away. Part of me wished I knew what I was unpacking or that I had been smart enough to label everything before I hid it away.

As I opened box after box, revealing parts of a home before this one, I began moving them to where they needed to be. Additional cooking supplies found its way to the kitchen room table. Toiletries to the bathroom. Shoes to a pile by the front door. And then the rest of it stayed in my bedroom. Despite clearing out box after box, it felt like I hadn’t removed anything. The stacks of boxes still lined my bedroom like a labyrinth from the door to my mattress.

Feeling overwhelmed again, I took a step back, put on my shoes and made my way to my car. I sat in the driver’s seat and took a breath. Surprisingly, the confinement of my car felt less claustrophobic than the boxes I had yet to unpack. Maybe it was less about how much space they took up, but rather the daunting task I shied away from. I looked up the closest grocery, turned the my keys in the ignition and started to drive away. I hoped I wouldn’t get lost in unfamiliar territory, but at the same time I didn’t mind if I never came back.

After strolling up and down aisles, I found myself pulling back into my driveway with even more bags to unpack. I laughed thinking about how I’m only hurting myself. I felt the cool evening air as I grabbed a couple bags from my trunk. I placed the bags in front of my refrigerator, prepping them to be put away. I stepped away for a second and closed my bedroom door, pretending that if it was out of sight, it would be out of mind. I finished putting away my food and sat down on the sofa to enjoy the takeout I had stumbled upon while I was away.

I finished up my last bite as the credits began to roll. I debated watching another episode, but I snuck a glance at my watch and decided I needed to get back to work if I had any hopes of not sleeping on this couch this evening. I said goodbye to my bed of yesterday and slowly opened the door the labyrinth. I cautiously peeked inside, fearing that a sea of junk would come pouring out. But it was just as I had left it hours earlier.

I opened a box to find it filled with the books to be placed on my shelf. Sadly, my shelf couldn’t hold every book I owned, but I had to bring my collection with me. Every book I’ve read and owned is like a personal memory. Some of them are my favorites, some I could barely remember, and others were just there. It was only fitting that atop the pile was “My Ideal Bookshelf” – a collection of interviews with famous people across all industries about the contents on their shelf and why.

I remembered back to when I found that book. I was a little bit younger, but not much. I was browsing the aisles of the local bookstore in my hometown searching for something to help me on my search for myself. I had given up hope that day until that book caught my eye on the way out. I lightly flipped through the pages to skim its contents. I flipped to a page about a chef and was surprised his shelf contained more than just cookbooks. Next I read about an engineer who had just as many self-help books as physics textbooks. Lastly I found my favorite actress. Her bookshelf ranged nearly every genre. There felt like there was no rhyme or reason to what she had chosen. As I continued to read, she mentioned that people probably assumed she had so many different books because of all the roles, but in reality, it was the opposite. She excelled in a variety of roles because she had so many interests. She wrote, “My passion for everything allowed me to chase so many dreams. All these things are a part of who I am.” I closed it up and noticed it was on sale, so I said to myself, “Why not?”

Ironically, I hadn’t opened the book since.

As I stared at my empty bookshelf, it felt like the perfect piece to start my rebuild. I placed it there, alone, waiting to be joined by its friends. Next I began to pour the contents of the boxes onto my floor. I estimated I could fit about a third of my collection on the shelf in a tasteful arrangement. If people came to visit, what would they think of my bookshelf? Would they sarcastically ask why I had that book or be confused as to why I didn’t include any from their favorite author? Would I be typecast? Maybe the off chance that they’ll see a random book and say it was their favorite as well.

Decisions had to be made. In preparation, I began to sort the mess around me into smaller piles based on genres. Books about photography were stacked next to the books about art history. Mystery was the neighbor to poetry. Sci-fi rubbed shoulders with sports. Romance flirted with self-help. The more I tried to pull them apart, the more I realized that most of my books couldn’t be categorized by one thing. They may lean more one way than another, but that wouldn’t be fair to neglect the other parts that made them so great.

A couple more hours had passed and the only progress I made was rearranging the piles once again. Frustrated, I started to shove books randomly into the shelf with a determination to fit them all into it. It was an impossible task, but at 2:00am anything felt possible. Minutes later the shelf was full after I was able to squeeze a tiny notebook in. I half smiled. The shelf was filled at last.

I still felt dissatisfied. I titled my head and stared at the bookshelf as I sat in a pool of my own books. It didn’t feel right. As I sifted through those that were left behind, I knew I had made a mistake. Some of my favorite lay next to me as one-night-reads took the forefront for all to see. I knew I had to make a couple switches. As I ran my finger across the spines of those neatly lined up, I began to pull them overboard one by one into the waters below until only one book remained safe. I was back at square one.

I double fisted books ready to start again, but I stopped myself. I took a deep breath and felt I needed to step away. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I put the books down and left the room to get some water. As I got up, I knocked over a box. This one was filled with little trinkets, Funko POPs, and miscellaneous memorabilia I had collected over the years. I laughed at opening Pandora’s box, even more for me to fit into this shelf puzzle.

In the kitchen I poured a glass of water. I popped down on the couch and scrolled through Instagram and Pinterest for inspiration. Every photo was different, yet still looked elegant, perfect in their own ways. Some were organized by height, others by color, others perfectly splicing them all together to create a rainbow. All of them balanced. All of them showing their best possible self to the world. I zoomed in on a couple and couldn’t even tell what books they were, but did it matter? They looked beautiful and had more likes than I could ever get. The best version of my bookshelf would never be as good as these. My inspiration was an unattainable goal, yet I felt saddened by the gap between the two.

If I’ll never be as good as those, what’s the point of even trying? I thought about this as I reluctantly waded my way back into the ocean of books, sending ripples outward as I made room to sit. If I’ll never be as good as those, what’s the point in even trying? Was trying to make the idea bookshelf an impossible task? Too many sports books and people would think I’m too much of a jock. Not enough “classics” and I’d look uncultured. Too many self-help books and people would realize I’m more of a mess than they thought. Too many design textbooks and I’d feel like a nerd. Without any comic books I’d be too serious. Paralyzed by indecision, all I could do was leer at the singular title that survived everything else: “My Ideal Bookshelf.” What pointless pressure I had brought into my life with this book.

It was hard enough figuring out who I was, how did I ever expect to represent that through a pile of books?

I angrily grabbed the last book standing and prepared to throw it amongst the others. I ran my thumb across its side as I flipped through it asking if it had any last words. About midway through, something had fallen out. I fished between my legs to find it. Nothing more than a receipt from that day. I let it drop once again. As I primed myself to finish what I started, I saw what page I had landed on. I backed my thumb off and reread about the seemingly random assortment of books. At the end of her section, the interviewer asked her if there was a method to her madness or if she just threw something together for the interview.

She replied, “Yeah, it does look pretty messy. It’s just a collection of my favorites. There’s no real rhyme or reason aside from ‘I like these books and that’s good enough for me.’ But each of them holds a bundle of memories. This one helped me get over my ex, my mom and I read this one together last year as part of a book club, this book inspired me to quit my day job to follow my passion. To be honest, if you came back again in a year or even a couple of months, this bookshelf would probably be different, but that’s the beauty of it. These books aren’t glued to the shelf, they’re meant to be taken out and read, shared with others, left on a couch somewhere. Maybe I’ll lend a couple out and they’ll never return, but I’ll find new books and rediscover old ones. The collection just keeps growing and growing. I love my shelf even if it’s bursting at the seams sometimes. Maybe one day I’ll realize I should probably build a library in my house, but I can’t afford that right now.”

I fished for the receipt and put it back into the book. I closed it up and returned it to safety atop the lifeboat. I was still lost at sea, but felt my internal compass start to point in a new direction.

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kris0ten · 7 years ago

Text

The Truth About Aaron Pathammavong

I’m taking a moment to record the story of my last relationship. For no one in particular. For posterity. It’s been a couple months and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again - going through a breakup can feel like waking up from a coma - but naturally I’m still angry at how selfish and awful this one particular human was after I invested so much in him. Despite all this, I have high hopes for my future and I’m so relieved to be free from lies. This is what happened:

I met Aaron through friends and at first wasn’t terribly impressed beyond the fact that he dressed well. But we connected through Facebook and I saw that he was geeky and excited about a lot of stuff. I wasn’t sure if he was taken because he made this status about how he was going to fly to the east coast to surprise this girl. But months later I commented on his photo and we started talking. He asked me to hang out almost immediately. He said he’d make it “worth my while”.

I liked his earnest confidence. And we hit it off right away. We liked the same stuff, we had a similar sense of humor, good friends in common, and a natural chemistry and attraction. I noticed his impatience right away - he asked me what I was looking for in a guy on our first date (that I wasn’t even sure was a date) - but I thought it was refreshing to be with someone so straightforward and with whom I could be completely honest.

He kept asking me out and he was funny and a really great date planner. I was stunned and frankly intoxicated by how good things could be. Sweet, funny, tall guy with the cool industry job who loved creative, nerdy stuff just like me. On top of that well-dressed, clean, and so loving and generous to everyone around him. I kissed him first, but in most other things during our courtship phase he was the leader. He was so eager, had so much love to give. And falling in love with him was as easy as breathing. So when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I… made him wait 2 weeks. And then said yes.

Being the overthinking, overly cautious, careful, analytical person that I am, I told my roommate “This is too good to be true. There’s gotta be some sort of catch. This has been too easy.” And some of his issues did come out of the woodwork. There was that girl who emailed me out of the blue to alert me that he had been chatting with her on a dating app while also talking to me. I wrote her off as jealous. There were his trust issues from getting cheated on in the past - it made him prone to emotional outbursts. I made sure to create trust and safety and include him in my friendships with guys. When he’d have emotional outbursts, I’d comfort him and calm him and center him. I’d facilitate a discussion about his feelings and a solution for dealing with them and talking about them. And he’d always apologize and ask me for another chance. I thought he was scarred by traumatic things that had happened to him, and that by giving him a healthy healing relationship he’d be okay. Sometimes he was inappropriately generous - like wanting to buy expensive gifts for a friend who has a boyfriend. I’d have to reel him back in. But who can fault someone who just wants to make other people happy? I saw him as this overexcited puppy - a little over the top, but so well-meaning. Then there were the lies. They’d happen randomly about small, stupid things. He said he sold my old computer and he didn’t. He said he bought me a tote bag in Japan and he actually got it in the US (he lied 3x about this). Lied that he’d never borrowed money from his parents, when he had. Lied that he wasn’t talking to his ex, when he was. When I’d catch him lying, I’d confront him. The way I understood it, lying was his way of telling people what he thinks they want to hear in order to keep them around - a symptom of his abandonment issues from his parents’ divorce. So I’d sit him down, explain that lying didn’t make me happy. He apologized, added my fingerprint to his phone as a gesture of transparency, and asked for another chance. And I gave it to him every time. After all, if someone can recognize their flaws and want to work on them, isn’t that enough? His light seemed to shine so much brighter than his darkness. I didn’t realize they weren’t surface flaws from some unfortunate circumstances. They ran much deeper. But we’ll get to that. I took a chance of him, because based on the information I had at the time, it seemed more than worth it.

At the start he would say that what he loved most about me was the way I made him feel. That he could be himself with me. I said I wanted him to love me for me. And it seemed that with some time he did. He said, “I’ve found someone who can love me for who I am, that isn’t a pushover and has opinions of their own. Someone who can enlighten me and bring new things into my life from her experiences in life. Someone who can learn what it means to be loved by me, and wants me. I know there are parts of me that are still broken, and I wish I could fix them all right now for you. But it’s gonna take time, and I’m very happy to know that I have someone like you walking by me every step thus far. You’re a gift, you’re the most precious thing that has entered my life. I’ve learned to love again, and I’m gonna become a stronger and better man for you.” The sincerity always got me. I figured if I had a relationship built on being open and honest with each other, where we were committed to solving anything together, we would be okay. I didn’t know that I didn’t have that.

We hit it off with each other’s families, with each other’s friends. As a Florida transplant, he missed the feeling of family, so I let him into mine and they welcomed him. And after enough talks about stupid lies, I really wanted to trust him. So I stopped checking up on him or asking him for proof. The problems seemed to be fixed. There were less emotional outbursts. Things felt amazing. And then he asked me to move in with him. He was getting kicked out of his place in Santa Monica and wanted to take that next step with me. At first I was extremely resistant - I didn’t want to give up my independence - but after talking and thinking it over I came around to it. I had a lot of fears about it, but he addressed them all. He said we would balance our time and our space, we’d figure out our mix of cleanliness (him) and chaos (me). He said his standards for being clean would be greatly relaxed. He committed to me. He said that marriage, that forever, was in the cards for us and he wanted to take this step to be sure. We even met with my parents to discuss it, and we took the plunge.

All my fears were unwarranted. We got along fantastically, I learned to cook for the both of us regularly, he’d make breakfast on the weekends, I’d shop for supplies, he’d dust and vacuum and do dishes. We had company over and our apartment instantly felt like home. It was a home we made together. Christmas tree and all. We traveled, worked hard, supported each other through difficult situations, watched our favorite movies and tv together, surprised each other, everything. I couldn’t believe this much happiness was possible. Not for one second did I doubt he was the one for me. I thought I was so lucky, because isn’t it rare to feel like you’ve found your 100% match? Most people feel like they have an 85%, and they wonder if they should shoot for that extra 15%. I didn’t. I was so, stupidly sure.

In October he drunkenly declared to me, “I’m gonna engage you so hard”, and "give you the wedding of your dreams”. In that moment I laughed in his face, but it touched my heart anyway.

On New Year’s Eve, after our small get-together at our apartment he said, “I didn’t want to say my real New Years resolution out loud in the group because it felt like too much pressure.” He paused. I waited a bit before prompting. “So what is it?“ "2017… is gonna be the year of the ring.” I froze. Didn’t even dare to breathe. And after a moment spent absorbing his words, I kissed him on the cheek. "Don’t forget to ask my parents first.” Shortly after that we did some ring shopping together - I was clear that there was ZERO rush, but this way we’d know what I like and then I wouldn’t have to think about it anymore. He even named his budget and looked at some men’s rings too. At my request, we went to premarital/preengagement counseling - not because anything was wrong, but because I wanted to know what it means to be married, what it takes, and what to look out for.

Around the 18 month mark, the dynamic began to shift a bit - pretty subtly to me. I’d been in a long term relationship before, so I know what that’s like and I know that it’s bound to happen with anybody. I actually kinda like the stability of it. I warned him about it, for what it’s worth. I warned him that the honeymoon period ends. But I also told him that what kicks in after that is beautiful in itself - a love that isn’t just feelings and adrenaline, a love that’s a decision and a commitment to stand by your person even on the days when you don’t really like them that much. So I thought that’s what was happening, and while sometimes I missed the adrenaline of the courting stage, I found comfort in knowing that this guy was here to stay. We didn’t text so much during the day, but it gave us more to talk about at night. He started going to the gym and dinner with his coworkers twice a week and would get back late. I didn’t mind, I thought it gave us a healthy life balance. He cuddled me less and slept with his back turned more. I figured it’s because his arm falls asleep if we cuddle too long. We did a lot more watching tv and staying in together rather than going out, but I figured it’s because life had gotten really busy and what we needed was downtime. Particularly with my ailing grandparents now local, even seeing family was draining. But through all of this, I found comfort in the thought that if anything was bothering him, he’d let me know. If there was a problem, he’d let me know. Because that’s what our relationship was built on. Right? And it wasn’t as if our relationship became a monotonous, loveless “what do you want for dinner” routine. Our texts from the last month of the relationship were full of jokes and love and pet names and generosity and surprises. Offers of massages after stressful days. Compliments and I love you’s.

I don’t know how to start the story of the beginning of the end, because I didn’t see it coming. It probably gestated in his mind for months. For me, there was no warning, no protection, no chance. I guess I’ll start with what happened, and then go into my take on why/how. We were nearing the end of our premarital counseling. In private, he suddenly asked, “What if marriage just isn’t for me?” He said he was afraid of hurting me, of letting down my friends and family. Being my cool, calm, rational self... I didn’t take it personally. I said that it was a good question to ask now rather than later, because marriage is a big decision not to be taken lightly. I figured it was an irrational fear stemming from the failed marriage of his parents. I said he was brave for wanting to dig deeper into that question, and encouraged his idea to talk to the therapist one on one. I asked him if it was the idea of marriage in general that was the problem, or if it was me. He assured me it wasn’t me. We did a last session together - she said we were super compatible and was confident we could tackle anything together. The next week he went to therapy alone. Then he went to a work-related concert. He came home, I made him dinner, and then he tried to break up with me. It wasn’t exactly planned, but it seemed like he couldn’t hold it in anymore - despite the therapist’s explicit instructions not to tell me anything until they met again. He started by talking about his fears again, and I got the sense that they were less irrational fears and more warnings. “Are you trying to break up with me?!” He said nothing. I broke. My life and my future shattered before my eyes. I had no clue this was in the cards. I panicked. “Am I not making you happy?? Is someone else making you happy??” “To the second question, no - not at this point,” he responded calmly. Not at this point?! That’s like saying “Not yet” - and when I called him on that, he said “Oh I didn’t realize I said it like that, I’m so dense.” He asked me to hear him out. He told me he felt like he couldn’t be himself around me anymore, that I was too controlling. He said, “You don’t trust me. Not that I deserve your trust, but that’s the only way I’ll earn it.” That he was too busy trying to make me happy that he’d forgotten what makes him happy. I was shocked to hear this, as it’s the opposite of what he’s always said about me. But I was so sorry - I know I’m not perfect, and I was more than willing to work on my flaws. All he ever had to do was say something, otherwise I’d never know there was a problem. Because I was so willing to try and be better for him, he couldn’t break up with me then and there. He agreed to “work on it” with me.

He left to work the E3 convention and was in a hotel room with his friends for the next few days. He was in touch with me and would check in a couple times a day, but he was rather distant. When I expressed how I was struggling, he didn’t really respond or at least not with much empathy. I was distraught and stopped eating. But as the next few days passed, and I spoke to more people about it, it became clearer and clearer that it wasn’t really me that was the problem. The theory I formed at that point was that maybe his urge to please people - specifically me - had worn him out the point of him shutting down. And even though I never asked him to overextend himself to do things that he thought would please me, maybe he was blaming me in his self-pity, because he felt so drained. I guess that’s fine, but to never say anything and then suddenly say it’s over with no regard to my feelings? An extreme response. The new problem identified by the therapist was… could I be with someone who had the ability to be so incongruent? To say and do one thing, but be thinking another? To sit in premarital counseling and say “I can be myself with Kristen” but actually be thinking “I can’t be myself with Kristen” - could I trust someone like that? I agonized over this. I couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t honest and truthful and communicative - but I could be with someone who wanted to be honest and truthful and communicative. Could he be those things? I thought he was already, but it was suddenly clear he wasn’t.

Then my mom asked me if he had been spending a lot of time with his work friends lately. Yes, he had. “I think someone there makes him feel special.” It hadn’t even struck me as a possibility until that moment. Even though I had asked about it before, I had believed him when he said no. Aaron had been cheated on before, there was no way he could do that to me when he seemed to love me so much. Right? But I snooped his phone for the first time in over a year, and I uncovered so many lies. He had gone to premarital counseling with me and then drove straight to his lunch plans with her and lied to me that it was a group of coworkers. They chose our favorite restaurant and when I jokingly complained, he claimed everyone else wanted to go so he went along with it. Actually, he was the one to get there first and put himself on the waiting list for 2, & suggest they “walk around” afterwards. After he met alone with the therapist, he took her to lunch and then to the concert - the one he had apologized to me multiple times that he couldn’t take me to because he only got one ticket and they were sold out. He sent her photos of the udon place he came to love after I introduced him to it - it was clear they’d been there together before. He referred her to his favorite hair salon and she sent him pictures of her haircut and he showered her with compliments. They were going to wear matching Persona costumes to Anime Expo the weekend I was out of town. I had trusted him so much that I helped him with his costume. When I had expressed interest in wanting to go when I returned, he deflected with “I didn’t get any extra tickets.” Ironically, I had caught him a couple months earlier - he mentioned he went to the gym with her. “Just her?” I called him out on the double standard - I’m super careful not to trigger his trust issues when I hang out with guy friends. I told him it’s not that I don’t trust him… it’s that I don’t trust girls not to flirt with him. Well, I was wrong. It was him I shouldn’t have trusted.

I confronted him immediately. His response was at first defensive (“You blindsided me”), then spiteful (“You just want to win, don’t you?”). He went from denial to admitting that it was cheating - but he still made excuses, like it wasn’t HER but the IDEA of her that he fell for. Then he went straight into self-pity. “I’m a bad person. I’m never going to love, I make people happy at the expense of others, you’re never going to trust me again.” All about him. And he was so “What’s the point” about our relationship that I actually responded to him with comfort and reassurance. Old habits die hard, I guess. I told him he was a good person and he didn’t have to be this way. He said I had no idea how many times he’d lied to me. He said I just wasn’t the right mix of things that he missed from his ex - willingness to fail, openness to new things. (New reasons why it’s me that’s the problem) He said I had cornered him. I said that no matter what path we took from here, it would be painful. I wouldn’t guarantee success but I was willing to try. I convinced him to go to counseling with me, talk things through, and see if there was anything left to save. He said, “Fine” - then changed his phone password and went to bed. It was scary to see a bitter spiteful hopeless version of Aaron - was this what was hiding under his surface?

3 days later, we met with the therapist. He declared that it was all too big to fix, too much to fix. And that he just had the feeling that there’s something better out there for him. I told him that I didn’t want to live a life where trust was so broken. I didn’t want to be with a liar. And so in 2 weeks, my life went from picture perfect to ashes. I went from being excited about my future… to not wanting to continue living at all. Who am I? What do I want? Where will I live? How do I start over?

My educated guess on what happened? I don’t think Aaron has the capacity for lasting love. Love transforms over time, from the adrenaline rush of passion… to the commitment - the decision to be by someone’s side no matter what. There’s an incredible beauty in that kind of love, and I find comfort in it. That’s the kind of love I had for him, but I don’t think he wanted that love. I discovered that the whole time, Aaron’s actions had been true to his character. He is very self-centric. He’s all about what makes him feel good and look good. The tricky part was that his generosity and sweetness towards others were also in large part to make himself feel good - to feel like he was convincing people not to abandon him. And for a long time, acting the part of perfect boyfriend and going above and beyond to please me made him feel and look good. It must have been tiring to keep up the role for so long. I never asked for him to be anything other than himself - I thought he was being genuine. I’m sure to a degree he was. But eventually it didn’t make him happy anymore. But he saw that as me not making him happy anymore. He then tested out the waters with his wandering heart. To see if maybe someone else could give him that adrenaline rush, and make him feel and look good. He lied to me about it so I wouldn’t leave him first, so he could blame me and get away with it. I realize now that I carried the emotional stability of the entire relationship. I thought he was in touch with his emotions just because he had a lot of emotions, but that wasn’t true. He rode the wave of my strength and appreciated it at first because he was so dependent. Then, with time, maybe he saw how much weaker he was than me and resented it. Maybe it made him feel small. He’s ungrateful for all I did to try and carry or lighten his baggage. I thought I fixed him, patched him up to walk and talk like an emotionally intelligent adult with a 401k. They were just band-aids on a broken bone. Once he felt strong and confident and restored, he decided he wanted something “better” than me. He does not see my full value. He complained that I took him for granted, but it was the reverse. I am an incredibly strong human, who at my core values loyalty, honesty, integrity and communication. I am unafraid to face my flaws and work on them. I love fiercely and deeply. I don’t let people in easy, but once I trust you I’ll stand by you to the end. I am talented, funny, and smart. I will make an incredible wife and mother. I know what it takes to be a family.

Aaron will continue to chase the rush of adrenaline he gets from girls’ approval and affection. Only two weeks after the breakup - and after Lisa said she wasn’t interested in him (which was a lie to cover her ass) - he has set up hang outs with two other single girls in his office. I know he’ll keep chasing her, and he’ll see himself as the protagonist of some romantic drama. He’s trying to fill a void that none of them can fill - that even I couldn’t fill. His craving for love and family won’t go away until he faces the deep set issues he has. He cares more for the bells and whistles of attraction than true, quiet love. He is controlled by his fear of abandonment. I honestly kind of pity him. He has a long way to go to find healthy happiness with someone. And now he’s telling people that he just “fell out of love” because that’s the only thing you can say that people can’t argue with. But he’s not my problem anymore. I wanted to show him unconditional love. I made him a better human. He made me happy, but not better. He didn’t care much for helping me be the best version of myself. He instead left me with trust issues and brokenness - all in order to feel the least consequence to himself. He didn’t get away with it. I hope he’s brave enough to face himself - maybe even learn, or change? As for me, I’m going to surround myself with people who are authentic at the core. People who see and love me for who I am. In a way, my life feels fuller than ever now. On to infinitely better things!

#personal

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daysofnikki-blog · 7 years ago

Text

The next Sunday.

Damn. I get worse and worse with this. But at least I’m keeping it up :) Kind of.

Thursday I was supposed to see Vadim, and to be honest, I just didn’t feel like going. So I kept making excuses that I wasn’t feeling well. I told him that I had the impression he just wanted to fuck, and I wasn’t in the mood for fucking that evening. Just wanted to give him the heads up so he wasn’t disappointed. He said so long as we were being honest, he was starting to feel like a meal ticket due to the lack of intimacy on my part. I answered back that that honest was one reason why I loved him, but my time was more valuable than to waste two hours of my time on a date just for $20 worth of food and drink. But he sold me on it. Damn do I love his honesty. It’s so refreshing.

So I went. And was thoroughly impressed. He owns a 3 story condo in Sandy Springs and his decor is perfect; a great balance of retro and modern. You can tell a lot about a guy from his place. And I liked his place a lot.

He’s also very different at home. He loses most of that pompous asshole front he puts on in public. He’s actually a really cool guy. We watched a documentary on mushrooms, followed by a Volume 1 & 11 of Nyphomaniac, a delightfully thought-provoking film about a girl’s sexuality with a very unexpected ending. Another plus in Vadim’s book for choosing great films. He hand-fed me delicious chocolate raspberry 420 edibles, we shared some red wine, and then we went to bed, where the unthinkable happened... we fucked (it was rough like I like it, and surprisingly amazing) and the freakin condom got stuck in me. Again. Twice in one week. By two different guys. I feel like such a slut.

Thankfully I didn’t freak this time. It didn’t come out that night but I knew it would. The next morning he had to work at 6:30 AM and went to fuck me again. I said he couldn’t, there was a condom in me, so he fished it out and then put on another one and we went at it again. He told me after, “babe, just sleep as long as you want and set the alarm on your way out. I’ll leave a key under the mat.” When I woke up though I was so sleepy from the amazing cuddles from the night before that I went out, set the alarm, and.... realized I was barefoot. My boots were still inside. I didn’t want to risk the alarm going bananas though so off to home I went in my bare feet.

Friday I had a date with guy named Rish at Fado’s in Midtown. Awful. He hardly listened to me, conversation was shit, and I told him so. I offered to get the check and he could leave, but he said he’d rather get it and asked me to stay until it was paid for. I agreed. Never going to speak to him again, though. Randomly saw a guy, Wei, that I had met at a party months earlier but I didn’t say hi since I was with Mr. Asshole.

Saturday I downloaded another dating app and started talking to the hottest Brazilian girl, Nara. Damn. She is something else.

Also had a gay guy contact me on there. He said he didn’t want to fuck because he was into guys but I was gorgeous and me and him were gonna be besties. We’ve talked every day since, too; he’s pretty great.

Saturday afternoon I met a girl from work and her bf at their place and we went to the King of Pops Field Day. In a rare change from the usual, I dressed in full athletic gear for the occasion. However, there were no field games like I expected so I just looked like a dingdong. There was, however, a shit ton of free popsicles, popcorn, and cotton candy, so it was my kind of Field Day. I met with my roomie, Hamsa, and his French co-worker Madeline after and we walked to Ponce City Market. I was proper drunk and needed some time to sober up, and left as soon as I did cause I kind of felt like I was crashing their party. I went home, chatted with my new online matches, passed out.

Sunday I was supposed to go riding in the mountains with Jules but it was raining. So I stayed in jammies all day. Hamsa told me that he and Madeline had been drinking until 3 am. He had the cops called on him at a gas station. Apparently his phone died, he went to the station to use theirs, he was being disorderly and wouldn’t leave, they called the police. The policeman let him charge his phone when he explained the situation.

Monday Vadim invited me over again. I figured he would want to fuck as soon as I walked through the door but he didn’t even try. He made me dinner; shrimp and steak fajitas. Even got me tortillas even though he doesn’t eat them. Homemade guacamole. He continues to impress me. We watched a movie called 1922 and he made a fire in the fireplace while we enjoyed some wine. After we had amazing sex, again... holy fuck it was good. His favorite thing seems to be getting me off. I don’t even like being eaten out, but... I want him to do it to me again and again. It’s so unbelievably perfect. And after it’s so much sweeter by the fact that he just looooves to hole me while we sleep. Mmmmmm. Getting very attached to him.

So attached, in fact, that I went over there the next night. We had leftovers. While clearing the table he came up behind me and started to rub my clit. Ended up fucking on the table. He came on his rug. I loved it. The cuddles were again, amazing. I brought a bag this time to get ready in the morning; I put on my silk robe from Jules and told him I was going to wear the outfit he fucked me in the next day to work (and I did). I pulled him to me on the couch and told him I was going to hold him; he loved it, even set an alarm on his phone so he could sleep for twenty minutes in my arms. As SOON as his alarm went off, the final flame in the fire went out. I was watching. He has the cutest snores when he is sleeping.

Wednesday I went out with Wesquan, who I had went on a few dates with two years ago and re-matched with Saturday on the new app. He’s very cute, easy to talk to, but just seems to want to fuck, which isn’t appealing. We went to three bars then his place and I left when he went to open some Spanish champagne, called Cava. I told him I’d see him after my date Thursday with Brian (fun conversation, but he’s too vanilla for me) but I didn’t. He just wants to fuck. It’s not my style. Friday he left for Rio for a week, thank God. Thursday I tried to go to Vadim’s but he wasn’t picking up my hints. Friday I was frustrated cause I wanted to see his ass so I told him I needed to come pick up my heels I left over there.

(FUCK. Side story- I brought some heels that week cause he wanted to fuck me in them. The next morning I left them so he could see what he had to look forward to, and went to put some lingerie in his nightstand, where instead I found a pair of a woman’s size 8 cheap heels. Not sure what to think about that.)

So I go to get them while he’s preparing for a Magic tournament. He wanted to fuck (so did I) but instead I blew him. It was lovely, and he was delighted. I love the way he tastes. Then I went to a house party that Wei had invited me to online. i went because it seemed fate that I had noticed him at Fado’s (but he didn’t see me) a few days before I got his FB invite. I was with a bunch of GT nerds. They were so flustered around me. Was adorable. I felt like a princess. I actually met two guys there who play Magic, and mentioned that a friend of mine was playing in Roswell; when I told them it was Vadim, one guy (Ricardo) laughed his ass off in a weird way and pulled up Vadim’s photo and made fun of him. Was weird. The only black guy there, VJ, walked me to my car after and invited me to watch the Dome implosion Monday morning. I might go.

I went to Vadim’s after and told him I had met two guys who knew him. When I said one was Ricardo he made me laugh by asking, “He was talking shit, wasn’t he?” We spent another great night together, and I had to leave with him at 6:00 for work for some reason. We didn’t have sex that night but I gave him a BJ and he rubbed me off really well :)

Saturday I came back home and slept on the couch for 4 more hours. Hamsa wasn’t home so I smoked some weed in his room. Woke up at 11:15 and needed to meet Jimmy, the gay guy who wanted to be my friend, at noon. Oops. Thankfully he was even later than me. We shopped, then got drinks at the pub and had a blast. He invited me to a member’s only sex dungeon, which I can’t wait to attend. I’m glad he chose me to be friends :)

I met Nara in Marietta that night at a bar. She is even more beautiful in person. Very flirty, very sexy. Stayed for hours, just talking, eating. She was clumsy because she was nervous, and you know how I find that so endearing. It was raining when she walked me to my car, and kissed me so hotly in the street while raindrops rolled down our faces. She’s a little rough and pulled my hair back to kiss my neck. I loved it.

Met a woman named Beautiful in the bathroom. She has a glass eye and let me tap it. Told me she was a model for prosthetics. She was a cool person. Gave me her number. Pretty sure we’re pals now.

It’s Sunday and I haven’t changed from my Ariel pajamas. Vadim just invited me to a birthday party for his friends tonight. It feels too “soon” for us for me to go, but I want to see him badly so what the hell. I’m off to shower now and get cute. Crossing my fingers I wake up in time to see the Dome tomorrow morning before work :)

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