#(I could be online it’s the 12 year anniversary and sometimes I’m functional)

[gothamghostwhispers]

Artem leaves several coins at the entrance of the cemetery before they walk in. It’s quiet. Usually is.

They settle in front of a particular grave.

Amara Slayer.

Loving wife and mother.

With slow shaking hands Artem pulls out a lilac candle, and a bottle of wine.

The candle is lit, the flame is steady even in the wind

Artem pours some of the bottle over the grave before taking a sip themselves. They grimace a little. It was their mother’s favorite wine but it’s always been too dry for Artem’s taste. Their mother will be getting most of the bottle.

“Hi mom.. I have so much to tell you this year…”

They begin to tell their mother everything, the good and the bad, how their job is, that they adopted some kids… Describing their children causes Artem to descend into their first fit of sobs for the day as they realize that the kids will never know her.

They sob for a few minutes, before they settle themselves. They’re glad nobody else is around as the amount of grief they are feeling is physically painful.

They tell their mom that they have a boyfriend and describing him brings a fresh wave of emotions because their mother would have loved to meet Beau.

When they’re able to breath again they tell their mother the other recent events the abduction and finding out Micheal has been stalking them almost 10 years and all the feelings surrounding that event, before finally drifting back into stories of the day to day. They let their grief pass over them in waves.

When they can’t cry anymore they pour out the rest of the wine bottle, saying farewell.

The candles flame extinguishes itself when they say goodbye so they can bring the candle back home to put on their alter.

[acrobaticcatfeline]

When it’s so Dark, a Candle isn’t Enough to Save You

Word Count: 2526

TW: It’s a vent fic, so swearing, depression, suicidal thoughts and actions, no self harm or actual death or anything but like right on the edge of an attempt and getting talked down, lots of crying and self loathing, parents who arent bad and genuinely want to help but aren’t really reaching their kid, and I think that’s it.

Notes: This is heavily based on my life and my thoughts, but I haven’t gotten too bad like this, I’m fine don’t worry, this was my catharsis. I’m better now. Still not great but better.

Pairings: platonic logince, theres a hint of romantic logince in the last few paragraphs that come after a short time skip.

Summary: “Member left. Member left. Member left.” Roman’s day has gone to shit. Everything is bad and he is so damn alone. He’s sitting on the edge, dangling by a frayed string and it’s snapping piece by piece. He’s losing that grip on life that he used to have. He doesn’t feel like there’s any one who would care anyways, but life finds a way sometimes to put the right people in the right spot at the right time. Sometimes, you really can be saved.

Member left.

Member left.

Member left.

Roman was already having a bad day. When he looked online to see all his friends had left their group chat, he slammed his computer closed and went for a walk. It was early November and below freezing out already. He skipped the jacket, barely stopping to slip on his sneakers before stepping out. He stuffed his already freezing hands in his jeans pockets and looked up at the sky to prevent the drops from his eyes the chance to roll down his cheeks. His parents weren’t listening. They never really listened. They weren’t being malicious, he knew that, but god he just wanted to throw himself into the ocean sometimes with how they responded to his attempts at communication. No dad, it doesn’t get easier to wake up in the morning, its still terrible and he still just wants to hole up and cry instead of going to school. No dad, just because he's always done that chore doesn’t mean its going to be easy, especially as more and more people move in. It’s one thing to clean for 3 people, but 12 is a whole other thing. His spine aches just thinking about standing over the sink for hours at a time scrubbing futilely. His feet sore from hours on his feet after an already terrible school day. His fingers cruelly remind him of the feel on his hands, the tremors shoot through his nerves remembering the sensation that makes him want to tear his skin off bit by bit with his own teeth. His ears ring that horrid sound, the squeak that makes him want to drop to the ground and cry from how bad his brain is hurting. He keeps walking. He doesn’t know where to, but he continues.

They really did love him, he knows this more than anything, and he loves them too but… but dammit, they never gave him a chance; bribing him to get the impossible done, trivializing his problems, equating him to some other ‘normal’ kid. He couldn’t stand it. He had his phone taken a few days ago, over the 4-day weekend he had, and he was devastated, he was wanting to spend time with some friends. He also had wanted to get things done. He needed to shower, he needed to do homework, but he also had to do chores, and unfortunately, he never had energy for anything else after them. His mind swirled with deadlines, but he couldn’t do it, he was out of energy, he had been pulling from his reserves for two weeks and now he was overdrawn, and he couldn’t muster up enough to do anything else. He had been hit with a bout of depression recently and that with all of the shit that had taken place that week and his self-loathing, he was teetering off the edge and he was terrified of snapping and blowing his lights out. He shook his head, attempting to pull his thoughts away from there.

As he walked, he saw it start to snow. He grimaced, ignoring it in favor of continuing onwards. He passed the McDonalds and felt his lips tug upwards, remembering when him and a bunch of his friends had gone before tearing through the shopping center like lunatics. He remembered their smiling faces, their jingling laughter, and then was haunted by their faces of judgement and disgust. He pointedly looked forwards, trying to focus on walking. He passed his school, empty and dark on  Saturday, and remembered when he and his friends would scream and howl with laughter waiting for the public bus to the local library, the times they would raid their friends houses without warning, just crashing on the couch and playing games of all types. Lots of those friends had moved, he was reminded. He hadn’t seen or heard from them in years now, no matter how desperately he tried to keep in contact. He wondered how they were doing; what they would think of the person he’d become. He passed the turn off that would go to that park, the one right outside their old house, the one they held countless parties at, the ones that reminded him of that happy mindless joy he hadn’t felt in years. He remembered those friends who had just stopped talking with him, those people who gradually grew apart from him, the ones he had falling outs with. He kept walking, picking up his pace as he grew colder and felt his eyes overflow.

He passed the library, electing to ignore the flood of memories of booking the study rooms that they would mess around in, they rarely actually got their homework done, electing to sing showtunes on the table and listen to two of their friends play the ukulele together, teasing each other about crushes they had, complaining about the teachers they disliked, ending the excursion with hugs as one by one they went home. He kept walking and walking until his feet stopped fully by the on ramp of the freeway. He jumped over the small barrier, sitting with his legs dangling over the interstate, his arms looped around the bars behind him. He had done it countless times before, enjoying the rushing sound the cars made as they slipped by under him. It was different this time, almost imperceptibly to anyone else. The tear tracks on his cheeks were clear, invisible to the glancing eye. The fidgeting kick of his legs was ever so slightly more erratic. His grip on the bars were ever so slightly tighter, yet also the loosest hold he could have. He leant forward, feeling the wind rush through his hair as he slowly lost feeling in his arms.

Numbly, he registered the sound of the bars tinging, the sound that comes from another person jumping over the rail as well. He felt a warm jacket be wrapped round him. He loosely felt his neck turn to look at the other person, recognizing him immediately. It was one of his peers, his name was Logan, he thought. He was in all the same accelerated courses that he was in. They had spoken a few times out of necessity, but they hadn’t really been close. Roman wasn’t close to anyone really, not anymore.

He had been in fights with all the kids who were a grade above him, his old best friend didn’t even invite him to their graduation. No goodbye, no hugs, no texts to make plans to see each other again, no “H.A.G.S. you nerd ;)” written on each other’s yearbooks, just, slipping away as if their relationship had meant nothing. It was painful. The friends he had in his grade weren’t quite as dramatic. They just, stopped liking the same things. They drifted apart. Its wasn’t sudden, he could have done something. But he didn’t. he just, stood by as his friends were more like strangers as days went by. He remembered sitting in the back of the game store, playing DND and magic and spinoffs and rip-offs, until they got kicked out at closing time. Now they barely looked his way when they passed in the halls, too busy with new friends, better friends.

“what's on your mind?”

He was ripped out of his thoughts by Logan, who had a sympathetic look in his eyes. He looked down at the cars and numbly pulled the jacket that was wrapped around him on fully, relishing in the warmth it radiated. He replaced his arms around the bars carefully before answering.

“a lot. Nothing you need to worry about.”

“considering how close you look to plummeting into the interstate, and the fact that you now have my jacket, I think it is.”

Roman looked at him with a searching eye, seeing the smirk that came as he made his second point, and realizing that he was stuck now.

“… I'm just depressed. That’s all. Its nothing outstanding. I just feel alone.”

“that’s fair. Do you want to talk about it?”

“why do you care? I barely know you; you have no reason to be concerned about me. I might as well just be another number in a statistic they tell middle schoolers to scare them.”

Logan looked thoughtful for a moment before responding slowly and carefully.

“every statistic is made from real lives that matter. Every statistic relies on those data points. No matter how you feel, you are more important than a number on a graph. You have people who care about you. Your brain is deceiving you in making you-”

“yeah yeah, I know people care for me and all that junk. I know that. It just doesn’t matter. They’ll get over it. They’ll… they’ll forget about me sooner than they'd think. I’d be fresh in their minds for less than a year. They'd be sad on the anniversary for anther three maybe. They'd get over it. They'd function better than I am currently. They'd dwell less than me. they'd be better off.”

“you don’t really believe that do you?”

“… just because I don’t believe it doesn’t mean its not true. Did you know that 15 women an hour are hit in Nike manufacturing factories? Completely unbelievable. Completely true.”

“Roman you matter more than you expect. There are people who would be devastated for years if you died. I could bet there’d be another two suicides that would domino if you let go right now. There are people who only have you left, and if you were gone, they'd feel just as hopeless as you do now. This is high school, this isn't permanent. Don’t you want to live to see how right everyone was about college? Don’t you want to live to be able to go to a karaoke bar with your college friends? Don’t you want to live to fall in love again? To see Lin Manuel Mirandas newest Broadway hit? To be able to go see a Broadway show live instead of from a shitty pirated video on YouTube? There's so much to live for, they may be small, but they're there. Do really want to give up before you can hear your mom say she loves you again?”

Roman felt tears welling up and spilling over his cheeks. He wanted so desperately to just believe him. To give in to the idea that he mattered. But he just couldn’t. Not yet.

“why do you think I care about all that, huh? You don’t know me Logan, you don’t know how I feel.”

“who says I don’t?”

Roman blinked, looking back at him. Logan continued.

“who says, that I haven’t walked past this interstate every day, wanting so desperately to throw myself off, but not because I knew I had to hold on for my little brother, who has been suffering from clinical depression. Who says I haven’t held on to just hear my favorite teacher again? Who says I haven’t seen you every day since third grade with that brilliant smile and stunning passion singing through the halls, that I didn’t notice when it slowed, when it was a treat to hear your voice, that I didn’t notice when it stopped all together, when you dropped choir and threw yourself into your studies so much that you rarely smiled other than that little hint when you got good news that dropped just as quickly. Who says I never overheard when you blasted Hamilton just a little too loud in your headphones at lunch? Who says I cant name every single person in the school who is waiting for that one person to give up so they can feel like they are allowed to go with them, who feel like they only have that one thread holding them here and as soon as they're gone there's no point left in living. Who says I'm not one of them? Roman I know you feel alone, I understand, but you don’t know just how much of a ripple you make. You matter so much to so many people. Please, please don’t let go. Jump back over to the other side of the railing with me and go home.”

Roman could hear the pleading in Logan’s voice. He wasn’t sure if he really believed it all, if he really felt like it was worth it to back off, but he couldn’t handle how depressed and lost he sounded, how jaded. He stood and leaped back over, smiling softly when Logan did the same. He started to pull off the jacket when he was stopped again.

“hey, don’t worry about it, I live close by. You can return it to me on Tuesday.”

There was a glint in his eyes and Roman chuckled at the kind-hearted trick. Because he knew that Roman would make a point of returning it, which meant he would have to make it to Tuesday. He nodded, and after a second’s hesitation, wrapped Logan in a hug. whispering a ‘thank you’ before turning to walk home. If he had eyes in the back of his head, he would have seen the longing glance Logan made at the on ramp, and the set glance back at him, before he turned the opposite way.

 -

On Tuesday things would be better. He would have talked with his parents and come to an understanding, he would have accomplished things he had wanted to, and he would be in generally higher spirits. He would let a smile slip more often, his true genuine one with his teeth on display, and he would laugh at the stupid silly jokes he heard. He would have his head up more, he would notice the smiles from friends he thought long estranged and start up a conversation, inviting some of them to a mall crawl later after school.

He would return Logan’s jacket and ignore the weird looks people gave him. He would talk more freely, he would joke with Logan about comic books and their latest obsessions, he would sit with Logan at lunch, he would get his phone back and steal Logan’s number. He would talk with his online friends about how he had felt when everyone had left the groups, and hear them out, instead of jumping to conclusions that they hated him now. He would let himself feel. He would let himself be okay. Things wouldn’t get better immediately, but he would work at it.

He would let himself live, and fall in love, and cry. He would heal. He wouldn’t let go. He wouldn’t give up. Not on Tuesday. Not the month after. Not after he went on a less than perfect date with Logan, when it started raining and the highway flooded leaving them stranded at home stuck watching old Disney movies on his couch. Not when a month after that he didn’t get a role in the school play and he spent an hour crying on the phone with Logan. No, he wasn’t going to feel great all the time, but things would get better. Logan was right all that time ago. The pain he feels isn't permanent. He would be okay.

-

Foregoing the taglist this time because of how venty this is. If you would like to be tagged in more trigger heavy fics let me know so I can make a separate list.

Let me know if you want to be tagged in my writing.

Thank you for reading I will see you later ladies lords and nonbinary royalty.

[minatsuki-on-main]

BTB background info masterpost #2 (RIS-related characters)

As a followup to this post about general lore, I’ll deal with info and trivia on characters from the non-supernatural side of the story here. Note that, again, 1) I’m not making a summary of the plot 2) this is mostly random notes and trivia, there might be more information on the wiki (which, however, I can’t verify, so I won’t mix it in with mine). There are a few characters that we don’t know much about other than a general idea of their personality through their participation in the plot, so some notes here aren’t detailed but I’m open to suggestions if backed up.

Contents:

Info about RIS members and people (more) related to them

Keith Kazama Flick

Investigator at RIS

Nicknamed ‘Genie’ (=genius in German)

Takes on the role of Canopus in regards to the prophecy (a position previously occupied by Heath Kazama Flick)

Deciphered the Jetblack Epitaph at age 12

Well-versed in mathematics, physics, cryptography and biology (more specifically genetics)

Son of Heath Kazama Flick

Has spent a portion of his childhood at Jaula Blanca living with his father

Had an adoptive sister named Erika

Went to university with her and Gilbert

Was already working at RIS when Erika got assassinated (see: post #1)

Abducted Dead Kyle (Erika’s supposed killer) from the hospital and tortured him

Was exiled to the Archives Division of RIS for 7-8 years as punishment for the Dead Kyle incident

Returned to the Coastal Branch afterwards (at the beginning of the anime, on the anniversary of Erika’s death)

Age unspecified but should be around his forties (is inflexible, has bad stamina

Owns a notebook inherited from his father that contains notes about the resurrected gods, some pages of which are in Koku’s possession

Knows basic survival skills like fishing

His hobby is cooking, especially Gumbo with shrimp, which seems to be his favourite dish

Drives dangerously

His favourite singer in university was Kate Bush

Sometimes inattentive to his surroundings (his documents are expired, doesn’t hesitate to ruin a digital blackboard by drawing schemes for the current murder case)

Doesn’t understand the mindset that leads to murder and considers it an illogical act

Has been suspecting Gilbert ever since Erika was killed but didn’t come forward about it to anyone without solid proof (perhaps out of residue affection towards him)

Could have had a pseudo-incestuous relationship with Erika; however, this is only strongly hinted and never explicitly stated

Lily Hoshina

Investigator at RIS

Around 25

Shorter than 160cm (5′3)

Asian

Left-handed

Holds resemblance physically and in character with Erika Flick

Lives with her father, brother and adoptive brother, Koku

Equal intellectual capabilities to Keith’s but more on the intuitive side

Enjoys food a lot, especially pastries and Zeppole di San Giuseppe in particular

Likes techno music (in which she differs from Erika)

Lively and tends to be snappish when indignated

Extremely persistent

Has some knowledge of astronomy (from a high school ‘sweetheart’)

Kaela Yoshinaga

In charge of informatics, programming and security systems at RIS

Very aggressive when angry

Excellent hacker

Likes drinking

Has a taste for cars (especially Hummers)

Wears an earring in one ear

Dislikes people who complain about society

Has a bit of a morbid fascination for RIS’s murder cases and actually likes being involved in them

Mario Luis Zurita

Work is more centered around direct action than brainwork

Holds the police in high regard

Strong sense of justice

Thinks solving cases one at a time is more productive than focusing too much on the big picture

Brian Brandon

Seen doing online research for the cases

Has a bit of an anxious personality (which also makes him perceptive to the RIS being spied)

Well-versed in cryptography (communicated a message to Keith through the watch)

Boris Meyer

Branch leader at RIS

Oldest member

Knows most things about Keith’s past and sometimes tends to spill them (especially to Lily)

Guards Keith’s gun that can shoot blue steel bullets (Keith asks him to bring it before the Heian-Jin fight)

Struggles with technology and texting

Jean Henri Richard

Long-time RIS member since before Erika’s murder

Undercover Market Maker agent

Has been brainwashed by Minatsuki

Generally well-liked among the team

Likely of French origin (uses his name with the French pronunciation)

Eric Toga

Higher position in RIS comparing to the younger ones, also a long-time member

Has a lot of respect for Keith and claims to have learned everything from him

Tends to be strict but has a habit of snapping when particularly angry or drunk

He was the one who had to arrest Keith for the Dead Kyle incident

Had a plan of his own of kidnapping Dead Kyle but Keith anticipated him due to lack of communication; this event made him value teamwork in the future

Seems to have both connections and good knowledge of informatics (he can get satellites moved on request within a few seconds)

Has a nail-biting habit

Gilbert Ross

Forensic doctor at RIS

Has the prophecy role and codename ‘Regulus’

Keith’s close friend since boarding school who he also went to university with

Has Impulse Control Disorder and a possible additional Dissociative Personality Disorder that functions as a coping mechanism for the former (later post on this to be expected)

Serial murderer due to an innate necessity to kill and a lack of control over it

Son of Alberto Puzo, Jaula Blanca CEO, who was his first victim (Gilbert claims his motivation was his father’s ‘softened attitude towards research’)

Used to have romantic feelings for Erika Flick (whether they’ve been in a relationship at one point is unspecified)

Murdered Erika because she ‘fell in love with the wrong man’ in his words

Has always known about the existence of reggies (possibly through his father)

Proposed and led the attack on Jaula Blanca to retrieve Minatsuki

In close cooperation with Market Maker and reggies, coordinating the organization along with Minatsuki whom he has kept under psychological manipulation since childhood

Covered up his murders by swapping places with reggies before being discovered

Has an underground facility where he commits his crimes underneath the RIS’s building which costs around tens of millions to maintain

Preserves his victims’ corpses through embalming

Most of his actions had the goal of setting up a puzzle for Keith and getting him to commit murder by killing him

Utilized Minatsuki’s brainwashing ability for various ends, among which communicating his messages to Keith and conditioning reggies to confess to his murders in his stead (which he also did with Dead Kyle)

Often hallucinates Erika

He considers murder to be the core of his personality to the point where he gets emotionally hurt upon Keith telling him he doesn’t understand it

Most of his victims are young women similar to Erika (which brings him to target Lily)

Enjoys making video recordings of significant events of his life and rewatching them

Has a strict daily routine which makes him an undetectable criminal

His separate personalities were created to cope and erase the guilt after each murder

Heavy smoker and coffee-drinker (possible reference to the comorbidity between ICD and substance abuse)

Tends to have breakdowns and temper tantrums when things don’t go his way

He’s reminded of Erika by the snow

His favourite band was Blue Öyster Cult

Erika Flick

Keith’s adoptive sister

Physically similar to Lily, the main differences being her taste in music, two star-shaped birthmarks on her shoulder, and wearing glasses

Gilbert was in love with her and they might have been in a relationship for a certain period

Insinuated to have had an affair with Keith (which Gilbert references by saying she ‘fell in love with the wrong man’ and ‘couldn’t keep her emotions under control’)

Murdered by Gilbert, probably out of jealousy

Heath Kazama Flick

Keith’s father

Had the role of Canopus before Keith

Of Japanese origin, has lived in Japan

Cellular biologist (also researching genetics)

Was among the scientists who successfully resurrected the 13 winged gods in the new restoration program at Jaula Blanca

Humanitarian approach to research

Liked being around children at JB, is often seen talking to them or bringing them on excursions

Murdered by a young Minatsuki on Gilbert’s command during the Jaula Blanca attack

Might undergo updates. The next post will be about reggies and resurrected gods individually. For corrections and further questions, send me an ask. Again, I’d point you all towards the wiki, where there are plot-related descriptions as well. 

Part one | Part three (soon)

[racheltkellogg]

From Battleground to Higher Ground

Wow, it’s already Halloween! Time has really escaped me in the last month. That means a lot has happened in the past few weeks. Truly, much more than I’ve wanted to share until this point. In talking about the many battles I’ve faced this year, I’m finally starting to feel like a bit of a broken record. In the last month, I’ve been accused of ruining lives due to my illness. I’ve been accused of dragging people down with “my medical”. Quite frankly, I’ve really been put through the wringer emotionally. Life is about as unclear now as it was right after my diagnosis and I had to stop working. But in the midst of all that noise, this blanket of peace is covering me. That peace is God and knowing He’s the ultimate Author of my life. God gives the toughest battles to His strongest warriors. I can’t help but acknowledge this passion in my soul to live a life filled with people who are fighting – and struggling to fight – just as I am.

Exactly one day after my last blog update, I was rushed to the ER here in Seattle. It was a very unfortunate situation since I was making positive strides, physically and mentally, after my long hospitalization. Just before the close of September, I found out some devastating, heartbreaking news. You guys know me, I’m an open book. But this particular situation was so triggering, I simply don’t want to share what happened. Many of you know I’ve jumped through hoops after my latest boyfriend and I broke up. That was just two months ago. Since then I’ve undergone a 3-and-a-half week hospitalization, had to dump my former living situation and move, have been fundraising like crazy to keep a roof over my head – and now, a scary trip to the ER. In this span of a month, I’ve also learned I won’t be returning to television news any time soon – if ever. I’ll get more into the work update later in this post, but first I want to focus on the story surrounding this ER visit. It’ll give you a better sense of how strongly my chronic illness is fueled by my emotions. During the evening of Friday, September 29th, I was shocked by some unexpected personal news. In the moments following the discovery, I engaged in a phone call that was demeaning and negative beyond belief. Those 20-short minutes led me into a spiral of anxiety that I couldn’t control. My body reacted in a way it never has before. I was vomiting profusely, nearly convulsing at times. I’ve truly never experienced anything like this before. Luckily, in that moment while vomiting, I had the wherewithal to text the person I last spoke with and demanded they call 911. Next thing I know, I’m being hauled away in an ambulance and would spend the next seven hours in the emergency room. I underwent even more tests, and doctors/nurses continued to monitor my vitals throughout the night.

I was finally discharged after 6am Saturday morning. I had to order an Uber to get home because I didn’t have my car. By the way, there’s nothing more humbling than getting home from the ER in an Uber - especially while recovering from your own emergency situation. Later that morning, I saw my therapist. I cried for the first 20 minutes of my appointment. I couldn’t spit out a single word. Just a few hours before that, I was discharged. I still hadn’t processed the news from the night before, or the surprise ER visit. For the next two weeks, I couldn’t eat. I tried, but fought endless amounts of nausea and heightened anxiety. It was as if a lion was chasing me for seven to 10 straight days. My GP flared up. I lost more weight (down to 110lbs). My doctors became more worried - and that alone induces more personal stress for me. I’ve been praying for my situation for months, but after this ER visit, I couldn’t stop praying. I was so spent, I found myself asking – how is this life even worth it?

Here’s where God comes in - it’s crazy. Just 12 hours after being discharged from the ER, I attended an anniversary party for my church. About 30 minutes into that party, I got an email congratulating me on being chosen as an Ambassador for the inspirational brand, Live A Great Story. This is huge for me. I’ve been following the movement for three years - about the amount of time it’s been around. Man, timing is everything. I found myself thanking Jesus moments after I received the news of my ambassadorship. Not only for the opportunity, but because I know it’s affirmation from God that He wants me to LIVE OUT A GREAT STORY with my illness. I had to remind myself of the positives I’ve learned from this life-changing journey, once again. God reminded me WHY I’m on this path. Certainly, it’s not for me alone - but for the lives I hope to touch and inspire right now and in the future.

As an ambassador, I want to share positivity, love and encouragement around the Seattle area. This city is amazing and deserves the empowering message surrounded by this movement. One that truly reflects the life of Jesus, too! He lived the greatest, most selfless story of all - so why can’t I?

Soon here, I’ll be organizing a few events to try and inspire Seattleites to live a great story. Maybe a Day of Kindness, or a day of storytelling - where people can share their struggles only to be accepted for them. If you have ANY ideas, I wanna hear all about them!

Shortly after my visit to the ER, I enrolled in a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) Skills training group. Not only do I need the skills of emotional regulation and all that therapy, but heck - it’ll be valuable information to use in my next adventure as a life coach. It’s not cheap, but it’s time I truly start investing in myself and my health.

Now to the health update!

Since my weight has been on the steady decline, my psychiatrist (who’s more supportive than my primary doctor) referred me to a dietician in Seattle who specializes in gastrointestinal disorders. She’s been a God-send, but such a huge damper on my finances. I’ve seen some good progress in the last two weeks of seeing her - but I’m now on all kinds of supplements that range from $30-$70 per bottle. Multiply that by 5 bottles. Health and illness are both so expensive…and mind you, these supplements need to be taken several times throughout the day - so I’m already running out. 

Some of those supplements are supposed to help combat my fatigue. I’ve been dealing with some harsh fatigue for years (thanks overnight shift), but it got a whole lot worse when eating became an obstacle. Obviously, when you don’t eat - your body doesn’t produce energy. So now we’re trying to retrain my stomach/body in hopes it can heal and normalize itself. My dietician’s overall goal for me during that process is to eat six small meals a day. I’ve only been able to stomach about three small meals so far. Sometimes only two. And as sad as it sounds, my six meals consist of two half smoothies, two tiny (super basic) turkey sandwiches, and soup. So I’m eating the same foods every day, multiple times per day. Exhilarating! Right now, she also has me doing the HCL Challenge. If you don’t know, HCL stands for Hydrochloric Acid - and it helps break down the foods in your stomach. I started the challenge by taking one HCL capsule, and need to increase my dosage by one capsule every day until I feel heart burn. I took NINE CAPSULES today, and I still don’t feel any “warming” or “burning”. That means my stomach is likely very deficient in HCL. I’m not sure if that’s due to my GP, or if that’s one of the factors that contribute to my GP. It’s like the chicken or the egg.

In the last two weeks, I also found out I won’t be returning to TV news in quite some time. Due to my illness, my doctors and I had to come up with a list of accommodations before I could actually return to work. My leave of absence was extended two weeks longer than it was supposed to be - and that’s because my employer and my doctor were back and forth in the discussion. After all that, my employer came back and said they could not meet the necessary accommodations. That means I either have five weeks to try and magically get better (*ahem, GP’s chronic*), or come up with some other plan to put me on long-term disability. The latter is clearly the only route I can realistically take since I’m still dealing with symptoms daily. Some days are obviously worse than others - but my illness isn’t conducive to the nature of the news business. 

My not being able to return to work is a huge hit to January’s goal of beginning my life coach certification. At this point, I have zero finances for it. None. I’ll continue to pray for the funds necessary to join and finish the program - and I kindly ask for your prayers, too! I could use a bit of clarity on the necessary “next” steps He wants me to take. Should I work with the mentally ill in a behavioral hospital? Start a support group? How do I pay for the bills with all these rising medical expenses? I’ve also been trying hard to get an appointment with a GI doctor who specializes in Gastroparesis. She works out of the University of Washington - and man, the process has taken well over a month just to make an appointment. It’s difficult to be seen at UW. The hospital requires a “patient review process”, and several of my doctors haven’t been as attentive with my information as necessary. I’ve had to become my own super-advocate because some of my doctors just forget. Seeing this new GI doctor is very important. I’m currently not seeing a gastroenterologist and haven’t since my last one diagnosed me via email and dodged out of town for over a week. I was left to research my “death-threat” disease online by myself. I say “death threat” because I literally thought I was going to die after all the crap I read online. After that situation, I ditched that doctor and her hospital and started seeing my functional medicine doctor. Since then, It’s taken months to find a good GI who is well-versed and highly educated in my illness. All in all, UW is still processing my medical records before they can accept me as a patient. I could use prayers for a speedy and positive response to that request. 

As always, I just want to thank you for keeping up with journey, sharing my story, and even donating to my GoFundMe campaign. If you haven’t, and want to help with my current battle, you can access it under my blog’s headline - or just by clicking right here! If you don’t have money to spare, that’s SO okay! I still appreciate your love and concern more than you know. And if you could share my story or the link with others who may be able to help, then I’m forever indebted to you. Gosh, I’m so blessed by all the good friends and loved ones that are helping me through this really difficult time. I love you guys so, so, so, so much!

On a short and final note: I just wanna make sure my Cali friends+fam know there’s no way I’m moving back after the past few weeks Seattle. This city has resources. Seattle has seasons. Colorful trees. Misty, moody and beautiful rain. The ocean. Lakes. Islands. I’m in awe. Fall, I have truly fallen head over heels for you! 

Thank you again for reading! Until next time! MUCH LOVE<3

[garrettmaughan-blog]

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