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bd60mma · 6 years ago

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The Pursuit of Nothingness

The last time I posted musings about my life and my personal insights on depression and anxiety was over a year ago. Few people saw it and even fewer read it, but one individual took the time to message me and tell me that it helped them with their own situation. For that, I am thankful that I was able to help someone else, and sharing part of my story was worth it.

I’m not really sure that any help or inspiration can come from this post, and unlike my last one I have no key takeaways I want to illustrate to people, but I feel like writing a follow up to it anyway, if nothing else as something for me to do while I’m currently bored. Perhaps someone will read this and feel better about their own life, or they’ll gain some additional insight into depression. Perhaps one day after I’m gone people will find this and look to analyze my life, trying to figure out what went wrong or who I really was. Or, more likely, it will fade into obscurity in the far reaches of the internet, as most blog posts tend to do. In any case, if you’re reading this it must mean something to you, no matter how little, so perhaps that’s purpose enough.

I’ll try not to get too bogged down in the details, but if you’ve read anything from me in the past you’ll know I’m a descriptive and detailed writer who isn’t great at summarizing, so continue reading at your own peril.

A lot has happened since that last post; I officially graduated university, I found my first full-time job, I somehow managed to find a girlfriend (for a while), I bought my first car, I made a close best friend...yet here I am, reminded of a thought now drilled into my mind through experience and constant disappointment:

It can and will always get worse.

There’s a common saying that’s meant more in an optimistic fashion that you’ve probably heard multiple times in your life - “It could always be worse”. It’s generally meant to inspire optimism by pointing out that no matter how bad you feel, be thankful that things aren’t worse. This can be extended to thinking about other people as well that have it worse off than you, something many parents will try and teach their children about. But in my experience, that phrase has turned out quite literal.

Let’s start somewhat chronologically from my last post - shortly after writing it, I officially graduated from the university I had been going to for roughly five years (since I came out of high school). I received a Bachelor’s of Computer Information Systems degree and became the first in my close family to graduate from university (my sister attended but didn’t finish her program). To most people, that would seem like a pretty big accomplishment, especially for someone who always hated school, as it meant I no longer had to step foot in a school ever again. Not for me, however.

I had always hated school, a sentiment that grew from my social anxiety and my general inability to make real friends or act like the person I really am (at least while I was growing up). I disliked the way the majority of classes were taught by teachers, with an emphasis on “grades” which inspired obedience rather than free thought and learning. University was slightly less hated by me than high school, if only because I didn’t have to deal with as many social problems and instead was left alone for the most part. Of course this had both good and bad connotations - other than a few classes which forced people into groups or shudder required presentations, I was able to simply attend class and leave without being forced into many social interactions; however, because of this I ended up making no friends and no real connections through five years of schooling. Of course when I did try and be more social I ended up failing and still didn’t get anywhere with people, but at least I didn’t really know anyone there and therefore didn’t have to worry much about what people thought about me.

When I graduated from high school, I didn’t go to prom, I didn’t attend the graduation ceremony, I didn’t even take graduation photos at the school. I just wanted out, as much as I may have wished I could participate in those things without being miserable and incredibly anxious throughout. In university, it was more indifference - I didn’t know anyone else who would be graduating that semester, I didn’t even know anyone at the school beyond awkward classroom small talk, so this time I didn’t have anyone bugging me to go to these events or asking me why I didn’t want to. Graduating itself really wasn’t a big deal to me, it was simply something I felt I had to do in order to find a decent job (as I’m far from a physical labourer and don’t have the connections to find a career suitable for me without schooling). If anything, I viewed graduating as more of a failure than a success.

I didn’t want to live anymore, I didn’t want to be there, and I didn’t want to have to continue going through life. In my mind I had hoped I’d be long gone by then, and I wouldn’t actually see myself graduating. Instead, here I was, finishing my schooling and moving on to the next step in life, moving past what were supposed to be some of the “best” years of my life. While it felt good to make my parents and family proud of me, to me graduating didn’t mean much and was just another thing I was sleepwalking my way through. I received good grades (I never received anything below a B) throughout yet in the end felt that I had barely learned anything, at least not that was applicable outside of school. Nevertheless, I received my degree in the mail (since I didn’t attend the ceremony) and that was that.

I took some time before I started looking for a full time job, and even took a couple of weeks off of my part-time job working as a web developer (I had been working there for about 4 years and it was entirely virtual, meaning I worked from my computer at home and (mostly) made my own hours), basically the only time I had bothered to take time off during my time there. Instead of partying or going out with friends or taking a trip somewhere, my celebrations consisted of me staying at home, mostly playing Xbox and watching movies. I also bought a 4K TV for myself with money my grandparents gave me for a graduation gift, so there was that too.

After my “celebrations” was the job hunt - first I needed to buy some dress clothes, since the only items in my wardrobe were t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, and shorts. Luckily my sister helped me pick out some nice pants and polo shirts, as I had no idea what I was looking for and shopping isn’t exactly my forte. Then I scoured online job sites and LinkedIn, hoping to find something that was local - finding something that didn’t require several years experience was difficult, and finding something that wasn’t in Vancouver (an hour’s drive if traffic wasn’t terrible) was even harder. Luckily, after over a month of nothing, I was contacted by a recruiter to fill a programmer position for a local company. I had my first interview at the recruiting company’s office, and felt like a dunce in my “fancy” clothes, but apparently did quite well in the interview, after which they had me fill out several questionnaires. I was then signed by the recruitment company, who basically promised that they would find a full-time position for me. The owner of the recruitment company actually asked me to wait while he finished up a call, then brought me into his office and said he thought I was perfect for a local position they had just been hired to fill, gave me pointers and set up an interview with the company.

It was all a bit nerve wracking and confusing but I went to the interview with two employees of the hiring company and the recruitment company owner who did a lot of the talking for me. The job was for a health-care application company whose office was about ten minutes away from home, and the people there seemed extremely laid back and casual (no dress code, people brought in their dogs, etc.) and I ended up being hired for a programming position. I was extremely nervous but also happy that I had found a job, and would start in two weeks after I had given notice to my old job.

Starting at the new job was quite scary for me, as I had never worked in an office (I was used to working virtually, and only ever had to deal with people online or occasionally by phone). The first day I had a severe panic attack in the middle of sitting with my new boss to go over setting up my development environment on my laptop, though luckily I was able to hide it well enough and I don’t think he noticed as he was basically looking at the screen the entire time. I had only had one severe panic attack before, but I’ve had more recently; they’re usually different depending on the person, but for me, I turn very pale, get extremely hot and sweat all over, feel sick to my stomach (though I don’t throw up), I get very dizzy and have difficulty focusing on anything, I feel extremely weak (just walking or even moving is taxing) and my chest hurts, as if I’m about to have a heart attack - a lot of people actually mistake their first panic attack for a heart attack. Unlike most, when I get one of these panic attacks I actually hope it is a heart attack, and try to hide it as best as I can not just to avoid being embarrassed, but also to avoid getting help as long as possible if it happened to actually be a heart attack.

Anyways, it was a bit overwhelming at first, but my boss knew that it was a lot of information to take in so helped whenever I had a question and was very understanding that it would take a while to get used to. The other employees (it’s a small office that we share with a graphics company, a total of around 10 people combined) all seemed friendly, and I liked the job along with the freedom of getting to work some hours at home, plus they provided an extremely powerful laptop to work on so I was happy with it.

As I was getting just used to the new job, my birthday came and went as I turned 23. I hadn’t much cared for my birthday in the last few years - it’s always nice to get gifts and have your family appreciate you, but to me it was just another year passing by, another year of being miserable and failing to accomplish or move toward what I really wanted in life.

And then something completely unexpected happened - I found someone.

I had been on Tinder along with several other dating apps for years and never actually met anyone (no surprise, most of the people on it are gross anyway) and had pretty much given up hope of matching with anyone who actually cared to talk. I had tried all sorts of different things to try and get to talk to people, but in the end it always came down to girls “ghosting” me if they ever matched or responded at all (depending on the app). The few times I did get a match on Tinder it was either a bot account (every few months there seemed to be a new wave of bots, and until you saw duplicates of the same bio they were easily mistaken for a real account) or it was an accidental swipe by them (I can only assume, as they would un-match virtually as soon as they matched). But one day I did match with someone, and in their bio they mentioned their love of videogames, something that I love too, so I tried a super cheesy videogame pick up line, and to my surprise, it worked.

She actually responded and conversed for more than a few replies, something that was super rare for me to experience on these apps. We had a lot in common and hit it off immediately, and being quite a text-y person (as you can probably tell by the fact I’m writing such a lengthy post on Tumblr) it was really cool to actually find someone who responded quickly and carried on a real conversation. In close to five years of using dating apps I had talked to just a handful of people that actually had a normal conversation for more than a few minutes, and none seemed overly interested in me and ghosted me before long. For about a week we constantly texted each other throughout the day - luckily, texting on the job was fine at my new work so long as I got work done.

Soon enough conversation moved to actually going out and meeting each other, which I honestly didn’t think would ever really happen - just the fact that she kept talking and seemed interested in meeting me was kind of surreal, given it hadn’t really happened before in many years of trying. She essentially asked me if I’d like to go on a date, and as nervous as that made me, there was no way I could turn down a chance like that.

Here I was, 23 years old, and about to go on my first ever date. Frankly it was the first time I’d ever even be meeting someone outside of a classroom/work or family setting, and certainly the first time meeting a girl one-on-one. To say that my social anxiety was through the roof is a bit of an understatement, but at the same time, I was also excited and for the first time in a long time I had something I had almost forgotten about - hope.

I broke the news first to my mom - I had always done my best to skirt around talks about girls with my family, as I always felt uncomfortable and it’s always embarrassing when you don’t even get to talk to the opposite sex yet get asked about dating and stuff like that. When I told my mom I’d be going out on the weekend and I told her it was for a date, I think she was as shocked as I was - happy, but shocked. I basically let her tell my dad to save me more discomfort - telling one of them was more than enough for me.

We decided to first meet at the theatre by her house (she lived in a town right by where I live, about a 15-minute drive from my place) and we’d talk first then watch a movie, and after we’d go for dinner. So, I put on some nice clothes (good thing I had gotten nice shirts for work recently!) and nervously made the trip. I made it to the theatre a bit early (if anxiety is good for one thing, it’s never allowing yourself be late) and being the middle of August during a bit of a heat wave, it was around 30 degrees. I was boiling, awkwardly waiting in the foyer of the theatre, sweatily clutching a pair of tickets to The Hitman’s Bodyguard, staring at my phone in my best attempt to look inconspicuous. Finally it was time and she texted me that she just pulled up, and a few moments later I saw her through the doorway.

I thought she was pretty in her pictures, but seeing her in person I found her even more beautiful. We nervously said “hey” and she immediately gave me a big hug. It was the first time I’d ever gotten a hug from a girl (not including family of course) and at first I was surprised, but then it just seemed like most of my nervous energy just melted away. We stood there hugging in the theatre lobby for what must have been thirty seconds, talking to each other about how nervous and hot we were. She was 19 and said she hadn’t been on a proper date before (although she did have 2 boyfriends in the past, so I didn’t really understand that) and had anxiety too, and hated the heat as I always have so we had that much in common. We took a seat at a table in the lobby and talked for a while; it was nice to actually talk to her in person, even if I was awkward and anxious.

After a while we got some drinks and popcorn to share and went in to watch the movie, and later on I asked if she wanted to hold my hand (I’m well aware of the fact that asking is weird but I was nervous so cut me some slack) which she thought was cute. That’s two things already off my bucket list - get a hug and hold hands with a beautiful girl. Later on she rested her head on my shoulder and all I could think was that this was the best movie ever. The movie itself was only decent, nothing special, but I would remember the experience forever.

After that, we went for sushi and had a great time talking, having gotten more comfortable with each other. Later on we went to a nearby Starbucks just to talk in the shade; it wasn’t until they closed at ten that I drove her home. She gave me the biggest hug ever before I left, and at the time it ended up being the best day of my life - it actually felt like someone out there liked me and liked spending time with me, and felt the same way about me as I felt about them. When I got home my mom asked a million questions (especially since I had been gone so long) and for once after doing something social I didn’t feel like it was a waste of time or that I had embarrassed myself.

We kept talking and went out several more times, becoming more comfortable and open with each other, as I would assume anyone does when going out with someone. I even got to experience my first kiss, which was scary as hell. But for the first time in as long as I could remember, I went to bed at night happy, looking forward to the next day; I woke up in the morning with energy, excited to text her and for the next opportunity to see her.

For the first time in my life, I felt like I actually _belonged _somewhere, that I finally found the place where I fit in the world, somewhere I could actually be comfortable and happy. Even when we went out for dinner in a crowded restaurant, it was like no one else was there - my anxiety was virtually non-existent, my depression was gone, it was a completely surreal feeling. I had always yearned to find someone to spend my time with, to share myself with, to be comfortable with, and I had _finally _found it. It was like life finally made sense to me, someone had finally given me a chance and it turned out I made for a great boyfriend.

I met her mom, and her two sisters; her mom seemed especially happy about her going out with me, as her prior two boyfriends had apparently been “losers” and verbally abusive toward her, so she was particularly happy about the fact that I had graduated from university and had a job and plans for the future. She met my parents as well, and I introduced her to watching fights by showing her clips and GIFs off of Twitter (she loved seeing knockouts) which she got into. We watched UFC 215 at my house with my parents; it wasn’t the best card but we still had fun, and then we went to see the movie IT in a VIP theatre, where the seats are extra comfy and paired in twos and the staff serves you food before the movie starts, which was really fun.

During this time, since I had started my new job I was using my dad’s car a lot (which he was fine with since he drives his work truck during the week) but now that I was seeing my girlfriend (still feels weird to type even now) on the weekends too I knew I’d have to get my own car to be able to do so whenever I wanted, and I had already been looking for a while. I had more than enough saved for a large down payment and I ended up buying a new 2017 Mitsubishi Lancer, with nice rims and a free 10-year extended warranty which I was quite happy with.

After a few weeks of going out we spent an entire day together, going out for lunch and hanging out before I took her to the drive-in theatre - about a half-hour from where I live there’s an old fashioned drive-in that shows multiple movies in a night and you get the audio through your car radio. I used to go with my parents and sister when I was a kid, or sometimes just my dad and I, and she had never been to a drive-in so we made it a date. We smuggled in tons of candy and chocolate from a dollar store and watched two movies together in my new car before going back to her place late at night. I had always dreamt of being able to sleep with someone (as in actually sleep next to them) and I was so happy to be able to. It was and still remains probably the best day of my life. Just getting to sleep next to someone that I cared for and loved spending time with, someone who I felt cared about me and liked spending time with me, was surreal.

I’ve always had trouble falling asleep, since I was a kid; it would usually take me hours to get to sleep, even if I was exhausted. I had been taking a supplement called ZMA that helped me sleep for the past couple of years, and would help me get to sleep within around 15 minutes. But now? I didn’t take anything and after a few minutes cuddling I was sleeping like a baby. By the time I woke up from her alarm the next day, I hadn’t even gotten a full 8 hours of sleep (which I normally need and am still tired after) and yet I think I got the best sleep of my life. Getting to cuddle in the morning with something other than a pillow was like a dream come true.

A few days later, after I had been over at her house watching TV and playing games with her, on the way home at night I had a random thought while driving; if I died tonight I could finally die happy.

It was a fleeting thought as I was driving down the road, something that popped into my head, a slight urge to plough my car into the median (something I often thought but for opposite reasons). I hadn’t thought about suicide since I met her; it was like I was a different person, devoid of my normal depression and anxiety. It was if I was suddenly just normal.

I used to always think of killing myself as a way to end my misery, to no longer have to suffer; and here I was, happy as could be, and the opposite thought occurred, if only for a moment. I could finally die happy.

It was a passing thought - there was no way I was going to die now that I’d finally found someone, and everything was going perfectly - for once in my life, I was happy. But that thought would come back to haunt me later, not as something that negatively impacted me, but of something I regretted not acting on.

We hadn’t been together for a full month at this point. She had just gotten a tattoo on her calf (she had a couple of tattoos already) and the day after she said she wasn’t feeling great, partly due to her leg being sore. We had planned to hang out at her place that night and that didn’t change, so I went over hoping to cheer her up and make her feel better; I brought her a drink that she liked, gave her a massage while she played her favourite game. I knew something was wrong and it started feeling like she didn’t want me there, but she said she wasn’t feeling good so I figured that was it and maybe she just wanted space. She still kissed me goodbye and gave me a big hug, and texted me the next morning like usual. She had to drive her mom to pick up her truck from repairs and then do some running around in the afternoon so we didn’t talk much that day, but I already knew that she was busy so didn’t think anything of it.

It was a Friday and I had a long and frustrating day at work, but left a bit early to drive to my car dealership (about half an hour away) to install an interior lighting kit that I had gotten thrown in with the deal but it wasn’t in stock when I had bought the car. So there I was and while I was waiting in the lobby, I drafted a letter to her on my phone. I had wanted to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I cared about her; I already did say things like that but since she wasn’t feeling good I figured it would let her know how much I cared and that I’d always be there to help or to try and make things better. By the time the lights were installed (which didn’t work the way I assumed and were kind of a waste), it was about five o’clock and thus rush-hour on the freeway, which I got stuck in. It took about an hour and a half to get home and I just wanted to relax and talk to my girlfriend after a long day.

And then I got home and saw a few long texts from her. She essentially stated she wanted to just be friends and wanted to take time to focus on herself, as she had been in relationships for the last few years without taking a break. She pretty much gave the tired old “it’s not you, it’s me” speech and broke up with me. Via text.

I didn’t even know what to think. Not only did it feel like I was being blindsided, as everything was going so well, but she didn’t even say this to my face or at least through a phone call. I texted back trying to make sense of it all, and wound up just talking in circles with her. One of her reasons was literally that she felt I was “touching” her too much, like with cuddling and holding her hand; despite the fact that she initiated that as well and regularly commented about how she liked that about me, and now all of a sudden she didn’t like it and that was reason to dump me without talking about it. And this came just a couple of days after she had texted me and started talking about sex, wondering why I hadn’t and I quote “tried anything” on her - as if she knew nothing about me and who I am. She had essentially wanted more “touching” and now holding her hand was a big issue?

It didn’t make any sense to me, nor did her answers when I pressed her as to why. I was devastated. I had a full on breakdown. Most people have a really tough time with their first breakup, even if they didn’t go out with the person for long - for me, not only was I upset at being dumped, it felt as if my one chance had been taken away from me, and I had no idea why.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. But I texted my now ex to ask if she would at least talk to me in person to hopefully set things straight, which just turned into another fight as she didn’t seem to understand why I was upset at all. But she agreed and so I drove over, thinking of all the things I was going to say. By the time she came out and sat in the car to talk, my mind went blank. I had managed to wipe my tears and stop crying before she came out, but now that I was sitting there with her, I felt like I didn’t even know her. She gave the same lame excuses along with “I don’t know”s and I just shook my head in annoyance and disbelief before I said goodbye and she went back inside.

She had said she wanted to still be friends but I knew that being friends when I felt something more for her would just be torturing myself for no good reason...but at the same time I had never felt a connection like that with anyone, and I felt like we were so good together I just didn’t understand how it could be over, without me doing anything wrong (she even said herself that I didn’t do anything wrong). Even my parents, who I normally avoided talking about these kinds of things with (especially since being in a relationship was foreign to me, and prior to that when talking about girls I hadn’t even really talked to any, so it was just awkward and uncomfortable) both told me they were there for me and it just seemed like she didn’t want to be with me for whatever reason, and trying to be friends with her would just be making it harder for me.

Deep down I knew they were right; I knew that if she actually wanted to be with me at all, she would still be with me without issue, and if she truly cared she would have communicated properly and wouldn’t have broken up with me by text. But in my misery (luckily my new job was very relaxed and I could work from home, and at the time I was doing testing, very repetitive and simple work, so I said I was sick and worked from home that week, and barely actually worked but did enough that nobody knew) I pushed reality away and instead convinced myself that if we were just friends for a while she would come to her senses and see value in me.

And so we went for coffee and talked, and agreed to just be friends and that’s it for now; it at least made me feel a bit better, to the extent that I could actually eat something and have enough energy to get out of bed for once in nearly a week. And then the cycle began again - we continued to talk almost like we had before, and we continued to hang out - basically the only difference was now I didn’t get to hold her hand or cuddle or kiss her goodbye, but it still felt like there was definitely something more there, and I know I wasn’t just being crazy - I’m used to people not liking me, to people not being interested in me, and that simply wasn’t the case; she gave very clear signals that she liked me, that I know, not just on my own feeling but even by describing things objectively to other people that actually know about this stuff.

And so stupidly I continued seeing her, and things were pretty much the same; I’d always bring her one of her favourite drinks, I’d surprise her on her breaks at work (which was like a 20-minute drive for me each way just to see her for a maximum of half an hour, but I didn’t care), we went for dinner (and of course I paid for everything, because I’ve always wanted to be able to take someone out and do things with someone), we even went to a big mall near Vancouver (about an hour away) to walk around and go to different little stores there, which I’d normally hate but I enjoyed because it was with her, and I even bought her a couple little things she liked.

Her birthday was coming up, less than a month after we had broken up; I had already gotten her several little things, including hand-made pins I had found online from her favourite game Bioshock (she loved things like that) that I had mailed to her along with a nice letter since she had mentioned how much she liked getting things in the mail - I had sent her half of the pins I bought, and planned to give her the rest for her birthday. I had planned to take her to “Fright Night” at Playland (an amusement park in Vancouver, Playland had a special Halloween themed event every October where all month long each night you could go to the park, where they had Halloween decorations and haunted houses etc. set up) - she loved amusement parks and Halloween, and hadn’t been to Fright Nights (nor had I) so I figured it was a great plan. I had already told her (prior to breaking up) that I wanted to take her to it, since tickets were for a certain day it had to be planned to fit our schedules; but since I had gotten her other things (including a cool Monopoly collector’s edition of another of her favourite games, Fallout, and several other things that she loved) and given that we were no longer dating, I figured it might not be a good idea, not to mention it was also expensive.

So I told her maybe it wasn’t the best idea to go out for Fright Night together, but I said I still had gifts for her. She didn’t seem to understand why I said it wasn’t a good idea idea and no longer wanted to (because apparently breaking up with someone shouldn’t change anything?), but said that was fine. I visited her on her birthday and gave her her gifts, which she seemed to genuinely love, and said that it was so nice because people had never really given her gifts - even her family didn’t do much for birthdays and didn’t celebrate much for Christmas either, so she seemed to genuinely appreciate someone who cared and gave her thoughtful gifts. We went out for ice cream at Dairy Queen, and that was when I decided that maybe Fright Night would still be fun to go to, and asked if she’d still like to go and we could find a time that worked, as it was still on for another week or two. Instead, she was going to see her dad the one morning so the night I suggested wouldn’t work; multiple others would have but she said not to bother and essentially got mad at me because I had suggested it and insinuated it was my fault for not wanting to go.

I had just showered her with gifts, taken her out for ice cream, and was seemingly the only person in her life that had cared to give her anything for her birthday that year and yet when I offered something additional she was angry at me for changing my mind on something, and seemed bitter that she wouldn’t get to go (even though I was literally offering to take her). Again confused, we simply moved on and talked about other things.

Less than a week after her birthday, she came out to my house (which was weird as she didn’t enjoy driving for anything longer than a few minutes, and hadn’t driven to my place before, it was always me going to hers or taking her to my house) and we went out for a nice dinner. We had a great time and then at home I introduced her to the new Doom; she liked metal music and Doom has that kind of soundtrack, plus is insanely violent and fun and she liked that sort of game so I figured it would be fun to play, and sure enough she loved it. We had fun playing but at one point when talking about games she outright called me a dork, and not in a usual playful manner; I quipped “you’re a dork too, I thought you said dorkiness was cute” and she simply replied that “yeah well that was before”. I didn’t even reply, I was just confused as to how something that before someone liked, was all of a sudden a bad thing and used as an insult; she legitimately was insulting me. I didn’t understand but just ignored it and continued enjoying what was a nice night. That ended up being the last time I ever saw her.

By Halloween, we were still talking regularly throughout the day via text, but she seemed not as interested in talking; nevertheless we still texted, and I mentioned since we were both at home not doing anything, maybe we could hang out and watch a scary movie or something for Halloween. She started talking about how she wanted to go out and go to a bar or something (which was weird, she had never really enjoyed that sort of thing from what she had said in the past, and like me didn’t exactly have many friends to do that with, nor did she drink much and of course I never have) and seemed annoyed that I wasn’t interested, so we didn’t meet up. Then over the next few days, I had texted her a few times and she read my texts but never responded - that was really odd, as she always responded when she got my messages, as did I to hers. When I asked if everything was alright she essentially told me to stop messaging her and said she wanted a break from talking to me. I asked how I was supposed to magically know that if she didn’t at least tell me and she basically said well I’m telling you now so f- off.

So I did, and we didn’t talk for several more days. I sent her one message after almost a week had gone by and asked if everything was going okay, and got no response. I had a bad feeling, and just from my gut instinct decided to look on Tinder - I still had my account and even had it on my phone, though I was hidden and she was my only match, but I kept it because I wanted to keep our old messages (I had even showed her that before, so not like I was secretly using Tinder or something while going out with her). I looked on her profile and sure enough, it had been updated since we had gone out, with one picture being taken just days ago on her profile (I knew that because it was from a concert she went to with her mom on her birthday). And that was what finally broke my self-imposed illusion that this girl actually gave a shit about me at all.

Deep down I knew her excuses for breaking up were bullshit, and that if she wanted to be with me, she would be. She had told me about her prior two relationships, one which had lasted about six months and one about 4 years throughout school; both apparently would treat her like shit, but she always stayed, and her own mother said she was always attracted to the “bad boys” who were losers and not worth being around, which was why her mom was so happy when she had met me. But apparently that was her type; after all, here I was treating her like a princess, being nothing but good to her and yet I wasn’t worthy of a chance or even being told the truth. I confronted her and was angry, leaving several messages, and even still she had the nerve to lie, saying she was just looking for friends (in her own words from talking before, nobody on Tinder is there for friends, only either a relationship or hookups and girls that say otherwise are lying) and then said it was suspicious that I was even looking at Tinder, as if it was me who was untrustworthy.

We got into a big fight and finally I knew that anything with her was done; I wasn’t going to be lied to anymore and I wasn’t going to let someone use me and treat me like an asshole anymore. It went back to the break up and she said she didn’t give me a chance because she felt I wasn’t worth it. She said I put too much effort in (I had never heard of that, normally it’s not putting in enough effort, and too much effort seems like a very simple thing to address with _communication) _and would text her too much which she found clingy - again, something she never had said before or told me about, and she _always _replied and started conversations just as much as I did - it takes two to talk after all. I was very clear from the beginning that I found communication to be important, and made it clear that because of my social anxiety (something she supposedly understood as she also had anxiety) I had trouble sometimes reading social ques so if she wanted me to do something or didn’t like something, all she had to do was mention it and it wouldn’t be a big issue. From the get go I was very reasonable and responsive; if she told me she didn’t like something she never had to tell me again, quite literally, yet she was blaming me for things that if they were actually a problem, simply telling me would have fixed it, but instead she said nothing then resented me for it.

Despite calling me all manners of things, to which I said she was sociopathic, because of the amount of vitriol she had towards someone who in her own words did nothing wrong towards her and how she refused to take any responsibility whatsoever for anything she did, as if it was my fault I couldn’t read her mind. Full disclosure - I called her a bitch when I saw her profile on Tinder. I even had the stupidity to apologize for that (not like she apologized for calling me way worse things). Then she had the nerve to call me verbally abusive - I wasn’t the one telling her to go to hell, or calling her all manner of names in every single message, but somehow I was the verbally abusive one. I told her that she legitimately needs help and hope she tries to get it and said goodbye, to which she said she hopes my mental illness (she knew I was depressed and had social anxiety, I had even let her read my last post about it, and ironically she also had depression and anxiety problems) eats me alive and that I’ll die alone because I’d never find anyone else.

I couldn’t believe I had been so wrong about someone. I felt like an absolute moron for believing so strongly in someone who ended up being everything I thought she wasn’t, everything she said she wasn’t. I couldn’t believe someone I would have done anything for could resent me so much, and all this despite me having truly not done anything wrong toward her, even in her own words. All I had ever wanted was a chance, and when I finally (thought) I had one, I never really did in the first place.

I am not perfect, and I am not going to say I was, but I was a great boyfriend and person to her. Normally I can look back at situations and find a million things I’ve done wrong or want to do better, but this time, I really couldn’t. Maybe I shared too much at times, maybe I did talk a bit too much, maybe I was trying a bit too hard, but I know that I treated her right, I know that I did everything I could, I know that I was more than generous and caring toward her, and I didn’t deserve to be treated how I was. I went above and beyond, and looking back, she really didn’t reciprocate - I didn’t ask or expect for all that much, but she never went out of her way for me once while I bent over backwards for her and was always there to help with whatever she needed at the drop of a hat.

Funnily enough, I had posted something on Instagram about what I was going through - I didn’t go into specifics, I didn’t tag her or have her name anywhere, and I never really used Instagram but we talked through the app often, and I had something like 10 followers - the only people I know on it in real life are my mom and sister. She had already deleted me on it, and there was nothing derogatory, nor anything that wasn’t true or simply how I felt, yet she texted me telling me to remove it. She seemed more upset that I would post something about the situation than about anything that happened or anything she did, which let me know just how vain she was - especially since she was never mentioned by name or anything specific, and literally no one she knew could even see it (the only people I knew on there that could were my mom and sister, who already knew what happened anyway).

Ironically if I had wanted to post a picture of us or her I couldn’t have anyway - we never took one. Although I’ve always hated pictures of myself, it upset me after we broke up that after about a month of dating I didn’t have a single picture of her or us together. In fact the only thing I had from over two months of knowing her (dating then attempting to be friends) was a little keychain she had made for me that said “MMA” in a circular disc with some splotches of colour behind it. She liked making little trinkets and keychains from plaster and resin molds, and a few weeks into going out she gave me one. Although I liked it at the time and thought it was sweet, looking back, I had showered her with gifts and spent way more money on her than I should have, and all she had ever given me was a little keychain which she made tons of and was making a batch for herself anyway. I threw it out; I’d rather now have nothing to remember her by.

About a month after I stopped talking to her, I made the mistake of looking at her Instagram (who can honestly say they’ve never done something similar?) and was surprised to already see a picture of some other guy on her Instagram, along with lewd comments back and forth with this person on the picture. She must have really gone out of her way to hide her true self when around me, and at least I can take some solace in the fact that things never went any further than a kiss with her. It wasn’t long after I saw her profile pop back up on Tinder, so who knows how many guys she’s gone through since - can’t say I care about her at all anymore, and maybe she’s found her true calling as a slut, who knows.

Anyway, back to my story.

And so just like that my life was back to normal. No one to really talk to, nowhere I felt I belonged, my hopes dashed and my illusions of finding someone who truly cared about me shattered. Another week I stayed home from work, barely achieving anything, barely eating, sleeping most of the night and day, not bothering to leave the house. Normally I was a master of hiding my misery, but now my parents were genuinely concerned about me, something I hated. Just like that I was back to where I was before I had met her, now even worse, more miserable than ever.

I don’t have many major regrets in life - I have many little ones, things I should have done or shouldn’t have as a kid, minor mistakes I’ve made, and I felt now that meeting her was a mistake. I can’t say that I _regret _my actions, at least not of meeting and going out with her, because there was no way I could have known it would turn out this way or she would be something completely different than what she presented herself as. I thought I had a chance and opportunity to find what I’ve always wanted, and I can’t fault myself for going after that. I regret not sticking to my initial instincts and logic and not cutting off contact with her after she broke up with me, but I also understand why it was so impossible for me to do, because I couldn’t just accept defeat and not try my hardest to keep what I felt was special.

My biggest regret though was not listening to the voice in my head, that one night driving home from her house. That voice that told me I could finally die happy, right here and now. Somehow, my subconscious seemed to know things weren’t going to last, and for a fleeting moment which was effectively suppressed, it told me that my chance was right then. I could have simply died that night, and would never know depression again. I could have died happy; even if it was bullshit, my happiness was real, and it could have been the last thing I felt, never having to wake myself up to the nightmare that is the rest of my life. That is a regret I will likely have for the rest of my life, as (hopefully) short or as long as it may be.

Oddly enough, I had managed to find a friend from all of this; someone who I had previously talked to months before, that seemed nice and caring and to be genuinely a good person. We had effectively “friend-zoned” each other (even though we hadn’t met, we had just talked through a dating app) already, mainly because I’ve never been a big fan of kids and her whole life revolved around them, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t be friends. Unfortunately through a series of oddities (mostly revolving around texts not going through on her old phone, which she later even showed me) we hadn’t talked in a long time and I thought she had ghosted me. One day I had asked her opinion and thoughts on my situation shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend, as she was the only other girl I knew and I wasn’t overly comfortable talking with my parents about it, and I thought she could help me understand things - unfortunately, you can only understand so much about an illogical person.

But through all this we had become friends, and started talking more. She started to help me after I was no longer talking to my ex, and soon we were talking every day. We became best friends, and she still is my best friend to this day; we talk all the time about our lives and help each other get through things, and occasionally meet up to talk in person over coffee (well she has coffee, I have nothing or drink water because I’m weird and hate coffee). So at least I had one good thing going for me in the last year.

After a while, I summoned the courage (mostly at the behest of my best friend) to get back on all the dating apps. It was more of the same of course, but shortly before Christmas, one girl responded to me and quickly seemed interested in meeting me. We hadn’t actually talked much but she said she preferred talking face-to-face rather than through text, which was kind of weird for me (especially since everyone texts nowadays) but I figured I couldn’t say no when someone was actually interested in meeting me. So I decided to take the chance, even though I didn’t know a whole lot about her - I did know she was at least a real person, as she sent me a picture on Snapchat to prove it (I’m sure as hell not getting cat-fished by anyone).

So I went on a date with this girl, and it went awry pretty much immediately. Despite looking gorgeous in her pictures, and even in the Snapchat one she sent me, she looked quite a bit less appealing in person - it was clearly the same person, but somehow at the same time looked incredibly different. It’s hard to describe properly, but it was as if she had a much better looking sister who was in the pictures, to put it lightly. I still don’t know how she did it, because as far as I know other than Snapchat filters you can’t edit a timed picture through Snapchat, but it was quite off-putting to see someone who didn’t look like their pictures, even if it was seemingly the right person.

Nevertheless, we had dinner together and I felt like I did a pretty good job trying to converse, but it was incredibly awkward. You know the first few minutes of meeting someone, where everything is kind of awkward and you don’t know what to say? It was like that the entire time, because I was asking questions and trying to get her to talk, but she wasn’t being very talkative...something that is incredibly odd given it’s normally me who is more awkward and not very good at speaking to people. We also didn’t have really anything in common, and by the way she talked it would appear she was an alcoholic, which was kind of awkward considering that I have never and will never drink (something she couldn’t seem to get over and kept mentioning). It was not enjoyable but I still did my best and was a gentleman, I paid for dinner and after she seemed to want to do something so we decided to walk around the little mall that was right across from where we had dinner. I didn’t want to but I didn’t want to seem rude and tried to make the best of it, but on the way it just became clear we really didn’t have much in common. By the time we circled back I was counting the seconds to when I’d get to drive home, she gave me a hug and said we should go out again some time...I politely said “Sure” while in the back of my head I screamed “NO” and wondered if she was being serious. I called my best friend and described the date to her (she found it hysterical, though she kept saying sorry I also found it quite funny just how awkward and poorly it went) and helped me with what I’d text to the girl to politely let her down - I didn’t really know how someone could think that went well, but maybe I was more charming than I would have thought possible given the awkwardness of the date.

She had texted me thanking me for the date and said she had a great time (again I found it odd as to how she could have enjoyed what I found to be thoroughly uncomfortable and awkward the entire time) and I kindly sent her a nice message which essentially boiled down to the fact I didn’t feel we had much in common but had a nice time and wished her luck.

And that was the last girl I talked to for a while, back to the depths of being ignored on stupid dating apps. Or so I thought - at my job, I worked with only a few other people, one of which is a woman (she isn’t a programmer, basically she’s a project manager). On a new project, I had started working on some website development that needed to be done quickly, and since I had lots of experience from my prior job with web development, they had me take over for the few weeks of work that were needed rather than outsourcing it. This other employee was now working more with me, and I found her to be nice, though a bit weird; she, along with my boss, were the ones that hired me for the company, and prior to this I hadn’t really talked to her besides saying hey in the morning or saying bye when leaving the office, and for a few little things like setting up my employee benefits and such. She is older than me, being in her early thirties, has two kids and is married, and seemed nice enough though.

For the project she would text me through Google Hangouts (that’s how we tend to communicate for this job, and you can get it on your phone or in a browser), and she is someone who works late - she would always come in much later in the mornings, but would stay up late working instead - so I didn’t think much of it when she’d text me later in the evening about work, as that’s when she normally worked. She started asking more about me, and I assumed it was because I was still the “new guy”, and everyone else in the office seemed to know quite a bit about each other so I assumed that was her way of getting to know me. It wasn’t long before she was starting to text me later in the evening and no longer about work, asking me my favourite music and what games I like, etcetera. It started feeling odd to me, and talking with my best friend she joked (at least I thought she was joking) that it meant she liked me. I didn’t think that could be the case, as girls liking me has never really been a thing as you can probably tell, and this one was married with kids, so I figured she was just being friendly and was a little weird.

Well, then it got really weird. She is really into music and several of the musicians/bands she was talking about I had never heard of, so now she was sending me Youtube videos of the songs. I listened to a few seconds of each but didn’t like them, and just found it annoying but she’s essentially my boss so I couldn’t exactly say to stop messaging me, and that’s when things turned weirder. She said that she likes to talk through music and that she was sending me a message through the songs...I didn’t get it, from looking at the titles of them and I didn’t want to sit through the entire songs so I said I didn’t understand, then she said she’d make it more obvious for me...and sent me a song that even I could figure out the message of - it was a song pretty explicitly about sex, and then I realized my friend was right and now I was more uncomfortable than you could imagine. I immediately texted back, cautiously, asking “Uhm I thought you are married?” to which she basically explained her husband is an alcoholic and she’s staying because of the kids, but likes me and I’m “her type” (which is kind of odd, considering she smokes, drinks, seems to be a party person, etc.)...meanwhile I was frantically texting my bestie to ask what in the fuck to say.

I then went to the fact that I’ve never wanted kids and politely stated that I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who is married and has kids, and wouldn’t be ready to deal with that either, even stating I’ve only had the one girlfriend and it was only for a month, so I’d never be ready to be involved with that kind of thing. Not taking the hint, she then said it didn’t have to be complicated and basically stated it would just be for sex, to which I had to basically explain my views on sex and why I wouldn’t be okay with that, to someone who is essentially my boss. Being that I work with her, I couldn’t exactly say that I find what she’s saying disgusting and morally despicable, so that was my best option. She basically said she found that sweet and that it was okay, and said not to worry she wouldn’t be awkward or anything and that it was fine just to be friends, so at least that part was over...or so I thought.

To put it bluntly, while she isn’t unattractive, I find her to be quite gross; she’s married and willing to cheat on her spouse (regardless of excuses or circumstances, if those are even true), wants to hook up with someone she doesn’t even know that well, doesn’t seem to like her kids all that much, and on top of all that smokes cigarettes, which I find pretty gross. And of course, the whole “I won’t be awkward” thing was a lie. She was very awkward from then on, calling me into her office for help even when it was for things that before she would have just texted me for and take only a few seconds to help with. She was coming over to my desk and getting super close to me; when a coworker had a few of us over at his desk to show us something she kept brushing up against me; one time when going into her office I literally saw her pull down her shirt to expose her cleavage right before I came in; and another time she seemingly dropped a pen (why she had a pen on her to come see something on my computer, without paper in sight, I have no idea) by my desk that looked pretty clearly to be on purpose then literally turned away from me and bent over right in front of me, as if that was totally appropriate. I finally had to tell her that I was uncomfortable with her when she was starting to talk about personal things again on Hangouts, and kindly asked that we keep it strictly professional. This was during/just after New Year’s at this point, and she stopped texting me about personal things, but was still being awkward and suggestive toward me at work. I was so uncomfortable at work when she was there (luckily she would work from home quite a bit so that wasn’t every day) that I was considering quitting outright, despite loving everything else about the job.

My boss and this coworker had been friends for years from work, and she had been with the company for a long time, meanwhile I was someone who hadn’t even been there six months, so if I told someone about it, it would be awkward and uncomfortable as hell for me and probably cause tension in the office. Even though I took screenshots for proof of what she had been sending me just in case, if she said she stopped and it was just the awkwardness around me there’s not a whole lot they could do without seeing it themselves and it would just be hearsay (and given her seniority, if they were going to get rid of someone because of it, it would be me). So here I felt trapped, and she was making the job that I liked dreadful for me. Luckily, I just kept ignoring her and she finally seemed to take the hint, and at that point I was legitimately starting to look for other jobs online. She stopped and the project we had been working on was finally complete (perfect timing) so I was back to working with my boss directly, rather than on a project she was working on, so the problem slowly faded away.

The cruel irony was not lost on me however; here I was, trying as best I could to find someone that liked me for who I am and that enjoyed my company, trying everything I could to find someone willing to give me a chance, and here is a woman that is genuinely interested in me, yet for things I wouldn’t do and who is someone I find morally disgusting. At least I could say a girl honestly liked me I suppose?

A few months later I started talking to someone else online, and we hit it off. She was very text-y like me and we talked all day, had things in common, and was pretty inexperienced like me but was someone who (seemed) to have good morals and be a reasonable and funny person. We even talked on the phone multiple times (I’ve never been good at or enjoyed talking on the phone and am almost as awkward on the phone as I am in person, even though it doesn’t make me nearly as anxious) and I not only enjoyed talking to her but didn’t seem to be overly awkward on the phone either with her, which was a minor miracle in itself.

I asked her out on a date and she accepted - we made plans to go for lunch and then go to a local amusement park by my house (not one with rides or anything, but they have mini-golf, arcade games, batting cages, go carts, etc.). I was going to pick her up first (she lived about 20 minutes away from me) as she liked going for drives, so we could talk and get used to each other before doing anything - then as things got closer, all the plans started to change. First, she said she wanted to see her friend (who lived near me) after our date, so she’d meet me for lunch instead of me picking her up, which I was fine with. We picked a restaurant that she liked, and that was the plan. Then the day before when we were talking about what time we’d meet, she then started saying how she wanted to go to her little cousin’s (I think it was a cousin, can’t quite remember now) hockey game before coming out, and it wouldn’t be over until the afternoon, and with her meeting her friend after, she wouldn’t have lots of time, so she just wanted to do lunch and nothing after. Although it was making me much more anxious (I’m already nervous enough meeting someone, but when plans aren’t set and I don’t know what exactly is happening it makes things much worse) I was accommodating and said that was okay.

Then the morning of, still not knowing exactly when she’d be coming, I got ready and texted her trying to figure it out, when she basically said she didn’t want to go for lunch when first meeting me (I don’t know why she couldn’t have said so earlier or right away) and even after me trying to explain it wasn’t a big deal, she basically said she’d rather not come out anymore at all. At this point I was getting very frustrated and anxious and didn’t understand, and asked why she’d agree to go on a date if she clearly didn’t want to go, and she basically said she did she’d rather just meet up and talk and not do anything else. I again said that was fine, and she could just let me know where and when to meet me. Then she said she wanted to come pick me up and just drive around or stop at a coffee shop - I didn’t really like this idea, I’m used to being the driver and it felt weird being picked up by a girl on a first “date” but she insisted so I said fine. Eventually she said she was on her way and picked me up, and we ended up going to the amusement park and just sitting outside to talk. It felt awkward but as we started talking more it wasn’t so bad. Of course she had to run so we didn’t talk for very long, and I was back home within an hour. It wasn’t a date, it was just like a quick meeting she seemed like she had been dragged to, and purposely sandwiched between other things that were hastily planned so that she had good reason to escape quickly.

We kept messaging and it didn’t take long for her to say she wanted to be friends but nothing more, as she didn’t “feel” it. At this point I was quite annoyed - she had been flirting with me and seemed extremely interested, accepted a date then basically butchered it and had suddenly lost interest. I called her out on it, saying that she had clearly already decided before even meeting me and I was tired of the same old bullshit from people, making excuses instead of just being honest. She admitted that she got anxious and that was why she kept changing the plans, yet I had already told her about my anxiety and she had explained she had some problems with anxiety as well, and instead of just being honest she made things way worse. She apologized for that and then went into the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse of saying that her ex-boyfriend moved back into town recently and she still thinks she has feelings for him, and that’s why - despite the fact she had said they had dated and she ended up dumping him because she didn’t have feelings for him and that he ended up being pushy, and this was a few years prior. I was fed up and told her exactly how I felt - that she was making more excuses and changing her story instead of being honest, and she was fucking with me in a vain attempt of being nice rather than being truthful, and said I didn’t want to talk to her any more.

She of course said she was being honest and said I was being immature and she was sorry about changing the plans and all but that I should understand because I have anxiety too. So then, going a little too far, I sent her the link to my previous Tumblr post and said she had no idea what I know or how I felt...the one detailing my anxiety and depression...and said goodbye.

A few minutes later she kept calling me (I ignored them and said I don’t like talking on the phone so stop it, which was true and she knew that) and then she said she was crying and didn’t know and felt so bad. I had just meant to show that to say I didn’t understand anxiety and was being immature was silly, I hadn’t meant to upset her or anything like that, though I can understand how it would upset someone to read something like my post. We talked a bit and she said she really wanted to be friends and I said I’d need time to think about it which she respected, but I knew with how I felt it was just going to end up biting me in the ass.

I talked it over with my best friend and she said I should give it a chance to be friends with her as she could clearly tell I really liked talking to her and it made me happy, but I knew it would just end up with me being hurt as she wouldn’t have feelings for me. After a few days however, and not talking to her during this time, I of course just had to change my mind and try. I told her that I would be her friend and keep talking to her, but I might not really be able to actually see her or hang out, which she accepted and understood.

And so it started again, and it didn’t take long for her to start getting flirty and suggesting she had feelings for me (and it wasn’t just me thinking that, I showed my best friend some of the texts and she thought it was pretty clear too). A week or two later she even came by my house before going to her friend’s (she basically called me a while before and asked if I’d want to hang out, which was kind of out of nowhere but I said yes anyway) and she came in and we played Rocket League together. We had a lot of fun even though she didn’t stay very long, and she gave me a hug when she left. She was clearly giving out mixed signals with the way she was talking to me, and I asked her about it later that night and she said she still just wanted to be friends. I told her that if that’s the case she has to stop with the mixed signals, it wasn’t fair at all and if she didn’t stop I couldn’t talk to her anymore. She seemed to understand, apologized and promised she wouldn’t do it anymore.

It didn’t take long for that to change again, and a few days later she basically invited me to watch a movie with her at her place. By then I had already gotten my hopes up again, because how could I not? She was clearly interested in me, or at least blatantly conveying that, and we talked all day and enjoyed having our conversations.

And then it fell apart again. I asked her about it and she said she just wanted to be friends, nothing more. I confronted her about how she could say that when she’s been flirting with me and clearly suggesting something more and keeps doing it even after promising not to, and she even acknowledged doing that and apologized. I told her I couldn’t do this anymore, she clearly didn’t understand how hard it is for me with these kinds of things, to which she started pleading with me to still be friends, saying how she loved talking to me and how important I was to her - which again made no sense to me, because if I was this important, and she clearly had feelings for me, why was I not good enough for anything more?

She eventually admitted that she was talking to someone else too and though she has feelings for me, she liked this other guy more. She even stated that I was “perfect for her” but somehow that wasn’t good enough. I had even said how I feel about people who go out with multiple people at once or string people along while talking to someone else, which she had agreed with, and yet here she was doing it. I told her that I didn’t deserve to just be some second choice and that I was done talking to her. She kept apologizing and pleading with me (again confusing as to how I was so important to her if I was just the backup option) and eventually I gave her a choice - either she goes on a real date with me and gives me an actual chance, or I’m done talking to her - those were the two options. She said “fine” and that she’d go on a date, and I clarified that meant she had to stop talking to whoever it was she was talking to, and then that date was off the table. I told her that she made her choice then and to stop contacting me. She again pleaded and I made it clear she had the two options, those were the only ones she had and I was being more than fair, and shouldn’t even be giving her yet another chance. She said she wanted to think about it and so I said to go ahead.

After a few days she went back home to visit her family (she grew up and lived several hours north and only moved near me recently, with most of her family still being up north) and then texted me saying that the whole drive she was thinking hard about things. She basically said that she’s lived her whole life in a small town, is in a city now (compared to the small town she came from at least) and wants to explore life, wants to go on dates that turn out horribly, wants to meet new people, and so on and so forth. I didn’t really get how being in a relationship would somehow hinder exploring life (rather I believe it would enhance it) and why on earth someone would _want _to go on dates that turned out badly I’ll never know. The more she talked the more it sounded like another “it’s not you it’s me” speech. She again kept going on about still wanting to be friends, and after more questions she finally admitted that “although she was probably making a mistake” she still liked this other person more and that was a big factor in her decision.

Even when she was supposedly being sincere and open, she couldn’t respect me enough to tell me the whole truth unless it was forced out of her. By this point I had enough and finally stuck to my guns and told her I didn’t want to talk to her again, and that was that. She was possibly the most insincere person I have ever met.

After this, any hope I had was pretty much dead. I still tried to talk to new people, but even on the rare occasion I received a reply or two, gone was any excitement or hope that maybe someone was interested in at least talking to me. It was just an inevitability that I would be “ghosted” and now when it happened, it was no longer even disappointing - it was just expected and didn’t make any difference.

A few months later and I found another girl that was actually replying, and although in my head I was indifferent (I still talked the same as always, and through text I’m more than capable of interesting conversation, in my opinion at least) she seemed extremely interested and was as text-y as I am - rather than short replies as most people text, she would send lengthy paragraphs and even a full screen of text at once, something that I appreciated and reciprocated with long texts of my own (as you can probably tell, I’m a very descriptive writer). After a while I felt some of that hope return - she seemed eager to meet me, loved videogames almost as much as I do, and had a lot of things in common with me. I eventually said “fuck it” and asked her on a date, and she happily said yes. She had said she wasn’t feeling good over the prior few days, so when I asked I said after she felt better, therefore we didn’t have any actual plan in place yet.

We continued talking, then all of a sudden she stopped even looking at my texts - I had sent one to continue the conversation we were having, and after a day of seeing she hadn’t read it, I sent her another asking if everything was alright. A few more days passed, and again no response, my messages still left unread. One more message and a week passed without response, so I figured once again I had been ghosted. I was frustrated and annoyed - she basically got my hopes up again only to leave me in the dust with no explanation or even a goodbye.

After just over a week she finally responded and said sorry, saying that she had some “stuff to figure out” and she didn’t mean to ignore me. I told her that it was okay but explained (and we had already naturally talked about how important communication is to both of us) that I have a problem with a lack of communication - if she was going through something she could always talk to me and I would help as best I could or if she needed space that was fine too, but just ignoring me for a week with no explanation just causes me to worry and think the worst and isn’t fair. She seemed to understand and kept apologizing, and we went back to talking like normal. Then later that night, I had figured she had gone to bed as she hadn’t replied in a few hours, only to look (we were talking on Snapchat, as using text messages can sometimes be spotty where I live) and see that she had blocked me.

No explanation, no goodbye, right after apologizing and then acting like everything was all good again, we went back to having a nice conversation, and all of a sudden I was blocked. She hadn’t even read my last response so it couldn’t have even been something I said. And that was the last time I got my hopes up.

Any hope I had for finding someone was thoroughly killed at this point. Over five years of my life, trying everything I could to find someone, taking other people’s advice on how to start conversations and make myself more presentable, getting my best friend to help me, trying everything I could think of just to try and find someone that liked me for who I am, yet here I am, still alone and without anything to show for it.

I turned 24 in the summer, and like the last few birthdays, it was just another miserable day I didn’t look forward to. All I had ever wanted in life was to find someone that I could share myself with, could spend my time with and love, and that actually liked me back. Unfortunately, that’s not something that can be bought or gifted, and no amount of help would seemingly allow that to happen for me either.

I had looked forward to my birthday dinner with my best friend - earlier in the year I took her out for sushi for her birthday, and for mine we were going to go to a local restaurant that she really liked but I had never been to. She was and is the only person in my life besides my close family that actually cares about me and likes who I am, and we didn’t see each other much in the last couple months as she had been really busy (she always has a million things going on, polar opposite of me). So she invited me when it fit in her schedule, and on the day of, just a few hours before, she cancelled.

For the last while before that when she made plans (she always picked the time/day as her schedule was always hectic, which was fine with me) to go for coffee or hang out, something would always pop up and she would end up cancelling. I’d like to think I’m a pretty understanding person - I know she has a full schedule and things come up, but after it happened many times in a row, it was starting to become annoying - she would pick the time and day, and a few hours before she would cancel, and not always have a decent explanation why. I knew that she didn’t do that with other people, and it started to get frustrating especially given how anxious I get just leaving the house, and then to have plans constantly cancelled just made it even more stressful. I said as much and she kept apologizing and we didn’t see each other for quite a while until she made plans for my birthday. Since she was really into birthdays and was excited I figured at least for the hour or two she booked in her schedule to go to dinner with me for my birthday she’d make it a priority this time.

Then of course, a few hours before, she messaged me about how the carpet wasn’t right (her and her boyfriend were moving in to a house and were redoing a room) and that she had to be the one to fix it - the story sounded flimsy at best, especially since her boyfriend could have handled things or we could have just gone a bit later or something after she picked the new one, but nope, she was going to be busy until late that night so that was that. I was extremely disappointed and told her not to bother making plans with me anymore because every single time she just cancels last minute; she kept apologizing and saying she was such a horrible friend and making it into her bashing herself for it, but I was mad and didn’t want to hear it anymore and told her to stop. The best friend I’ve ever had, who always talked about how important I was in her life and talked to me every day, and yet I felt like I wasn’t even important enough to take an hour out of her day to see me for my birthday.

We continued talking later and I just ignored it, and it basically just went away - we didn’t meet up to hang out for coffee until over a month later. Since then it’s just kind of gone back to normal, every once in a while we’ll go talk for a while in person, and we no longer plan anything much in advance so at least I don’t have to deal with plans being scrapped, which is nice.

In terms of the rest of my life, I’m still working and like my job, and am saving up to buy an apartment (it’s ridiculously expensive in my area nowadays, even for small and old places). I spend my time watching fights, playing videogames, and that’s about it. I still have dating apps, but I no longer even bother trying to converse with people - I still have a funny and honest PowerPoint presentation I put together to describe myself (and it’s pretty clever if I do say so myself, I have gotten many compliments on it - even if those people aren’t actually interested, they like my PowerPoint) but now I basically use the apps as my version of people-watching since I don’t get out much. I’ll send sarcastic and snarky comments to people based on stuff from their profile for fun, and that’s about it.

Last week I took some vacation time from work since I had extra days saved that don’t roll over into the new work year. I was happy that I got both Forza Horizon 4 and Assassin’s Creed Odyssey in the same week, and both games are incredible. I played the hell out of both and thoroughly enjoyed them, yet I was still not happy. I sent tons of Snapchat stories to my best friend talking about the games, especially Forza which looks downright ridiculous in 4K (undoubtedly annoying the hell out of her, but she never complained) and bugged my parents talking about it. I always feel the need to tell people close to me about stuff going on or things that I really like, but none of that fills the gaping void in my life, wishing I had someone to really share my life with and to share in theirs. It’s something I can never seem to stop thinking about and wishing for, even when I know that it’s something I’ll likely never have.

At this point, I am resigned to knowing that I’ll always be alone. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many times I pick myself back up and try again, no matter how much I think someone may actually like me, it makes no difference. I think I’m a good person; I’m far from perfect, but I always try to do the right thing, to do right by other people, and no matter what I adhere to my own moral code, even if it’s inconvenient to do so (something that seems to be a hard concept for a lot of people to grasp nowadays). I’m confident in things I know and things I am good at; I know that I’m intelligent, I’m funny and have a wide range of humour, I’m reasonable and logical, I’m responsible and mature (especially for my age), I’m loyal to a fault, I’m passionate about the things I believe in and enjoy, I’m honest and open, and I’m a caring and compassionate person. But in the end, it doesn’t seem to ever make any difference.

For some reason, it’s never enough. I don’t know if people just see me as not being good enough, or just being unattractive (which I am, but I can objectively say I’ve seen much less attractive people that have no trouble finding people), or just don’t like my personality. It always seems to come down to me just being unlikable, though I rarely get to know exactly why anyone feels that way. The only thing that has ever made me happy, and the only thing that seems to help me with my depression, is the thing I can never actually have, or even get a real chance at trying to acquire.

And so I go through life one day at a time - I wake up wishing I hadn’t, I go to sleep wishing it was the last time I ever have to fall asleep. I’m stuck in my own purgatory, unable to pull myself out. The best option I have is to simply fade into nothingness and escape to the cold embrace of death, where happiness is no longer even a thought, but neither is depression or loneliness. It is simply nothing - no thoughts, no memories, no dreams, nothing - and that has been a much more enticing existence (or lack thereof) than my own for many years.

But I am chained to life, for I couldn’t bring it upon myself to transfer parts of my own misery on to the few people in my life that I love and that love me. Though in the logical sense my passing wouldn’t make much difference at all to the world, I know my family and my best friend would be devastated to lose their loved one. I see death differently than most because of who I am - for someone who is miserable, for someone who _wants _to die, it is a release; there is no more suffering, no more pain, no more loneliness, no more longing. Though that person may no longer be in your life, they no longer have to be miserable, they no longer have anything bad happen to them, they no longer have to worry about a thing.

I don’t like to talk much about “deserving” something, at least not when it comes to myself. Life rarely gives people what they deserve, and therefore “deserving” anything in life means very little. I’m not someone who feels entitled to much, and I’m not sure that I deserve to be happy - I’ve seen far greater people than I fail to be happy with their lives, but I’ve also seen far worse who couldn’t be happier. Life is just the way it is, and I’m not sure anyone can rightly judge themselves on what exactly they deserve, but I do think I deserve one thing - death.

I don’t feel I deserve to die because I am a bad person (which I don’t think I am), or because I’ve done something wrong, or even because anyone else wants me dead. No, I deserve to die because that is what I want, that is what I feel is my best option, and because I feel that I am a decent person. I don’t feel that I should have to continue to be miserable and hate life anymore. I’m exhausted and have no more hope left to run on.

Yet here I am, continuing on with my never-ending march toward insanity, dreaming of finally reaching my goal at the end of my pursuit of nothingness.

With my penchant for irony I’ll probably live to be one hundred, but I can take at least some solace in the fact that eventually, somehow, I will be granted my final wish - nothingness.

#Depression #Anxiety #Suicide #Nothingness #Dark #DeepThoughts #MentalIllness #Insanity

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ronnykblair · 6 years ago

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Investment Banking Networking: The Definitive Guide

NOTE: This is a revised and updated guide that consolidates all our previous coverage of investment banking networking. We have published dozens of articles on this topic, but many of them overlapped or were not consistent; this one fixes those issues and puts everything in one place.

Investment banking networking: it’s tough to find a topic that spawns more cynicism, skepticism, and outright hatred on the Internet.

Depending on the source, networking is either the most essential part of the job search…

…or a giant waste of time in which students spend countless hours attending information sessions standing around crowded bankers, unable to set themselves apart.

The truth is somewhere in between those two extremes.

Networking is like lifting weights at the gym: If you use the “proper form,” you do it consistently over a long period, and you can tolerate the boredom and grind, it can be very effective.

But if you do it incorrectly, you use the wrong strategy, you’re inconsistent, or you’re not in a position to benefit from it, you’ll never get results.

Here’s what “networking” means, why it’s important, and how to get results:

Investment Banking Networking: Defined

I would define networking as:

“The process of finding, contacting, and speaking with professionals in a specific industry to build relationships, gain knowledge, and eventually win interviews and job offers via those relationships.”

Notice how the definition mentions “relationships” twice.

Yes, you can cold email or cold call people and ask directly for internships or jobs, but that is not the ideal way to conduct a networking effort.

Investment banking networking is not just about the end goal of winning an offer, but about getting to know bankers on a personal level.

And if you’re not sure whether or not investment banking is for you, networking with dozens of bankers will reveal your preferences quickly!

Investment Banking Networking: Why Is It Important?

Imagine that it’s 3 AM and an Analyst is looking through a stack of 200 resumes.

Each student’s resume starts to look the same after a few minutes – a corporate finance internship, a Big 4 internship, a 3.7 GPA, a target school… yawn.

The Analyst starts falling asleep because these resumes are boring, and he doesn’t know anyone personally.

But after dozing off and waking up again, the Analyst sees your resume and immediately recognizes your name because he spoke with you on the phone a few months ago.

He doesn’t even look at your work experience or grades, but he remembers your conversation.

Based on that, he immediately puts you into the “Interview” pile.

In a sea of identical-looking students and professionals, networking is the only way to set yourself apart.

Also, since recruiting is now hyper-accelerated and requires a sequence of previous work experience, you need to network to win other internships before you even apply to junior-year summer internships at large banks.

We often receive the following objections to the concept of investment banking networking:

“But how do I know that someone I network with will review resumes for the bank and pick me?”

“Why would bankers ever respond and speak with me? Won’t they think I’m using them? Why would they spend their time on me?”

“Does networking work at all levels and in all regions? I’m in London. I heard networking doesn’t work here!”

“I go to a non-target school, and no banks recruit here. How can I find bankers? There are no alumni in finance.” or “I work in a completely different industry and don’t know anyone in finance. What now?”

“I don’t have time to network. I already have a schedule full of classes and activities, and I work part-time, or I have an incredibly busy full-time job.”

“I’ve already tried contacting bankers, but no one responds. Help!”

Here are my responses to these objections:

You don’t know that a specific person will select interview candidates, but networking is about tipping the odds in your favor. If you speak with dozens of bankers, your chances of winning interviews will increase significantly. There are no certainties in life; only probabilities.

Bankers know that you want an internship or job, but that’s how the game is played. They’ll respond because if they recommend you, and you perform well, it will make them look good. And if you stay in the industry, you could become a valuable contact for them in the future.

Networking “works” everywhere, but the rules are different in some regions, such as mainland China. Despite rumors to the contrary, networking works well in the U.K. and other financial centers outside the U.S., as our many case studies with U.K.-based readers demonstrate.

Use LinkedIn to find professionals in your target industry, and then contact them via email. Or, locate nearby events hosted by banks or organizations like the CFA Society and find a way to attend.

So… you have enough time for marginal tasks, but not enough time for high-ROI tasks that will boost your odds of winning job offers that immediately put you in the top ~5% of income earners upon graduation?

If no one responds to you, then you are using the wrong channel (e.g., LinkedIn messages rather than email), your initial outreach message is bad, or your profile is not good enough to get into IB. You can fix or get around most of these.

I’ll stop here so we can move into strategy and tactics:

Investment Banking Networking: What Do You Do, and How Do You Do It?

The three main networking strategies are:

Conducting informational interviews.

Cold emailing.

Cold calling.

The most appropriate strategy depends on your answers to these questions:

Do you have a chance of getting into investment banking (or whatever field you’re aiming for)?

If so, how much time is left before internship/full-time recruiting begins?

What types of recruiting channels do you have access to?

To answer question #1, you should take a look at our article on how to get into investment banking – especially the part about the main pathways into the industry.

If you have no realistic chance of getting into IB, then you should stop here and consider other options, such as Master’s or MBA programs or working in a different industry first.

The second question about time is important because building relationships with bankers takes months of effort.

So, if you are about to graduate and you need to find a job ASAP, “building relationships” won’t work; you’ll have to rely more on cold calling and cold emailing.

The third question about recruiting channels is important because you have a huge advantage if you attend a “target school” with many alumni in the industry.

If you don’t have that same kind of access to alumni in investment banking, the entire process will take more time and effort, and you’ll have to rely more on cold calls and cold emails.

Investment Banking Networking Strategy #1: Conduct Informational Interviews

This strategy is appropriate if:

You are an undergrad, and you have at least 6 months before internship recruiting begins (and ideally more like 12 months).

Or, you are already working full-time in a related field, and you’re seeking a lateral role at a bank (whether you’re a recent grad or an older candidate).

Or, you are an incoming MBA student, and you’re aiming for an IB summer internship that you convert into a full-time role.

If you do not have 6-12 months to conduct this effort, or you don’t fit into one of these categories, you’ll have to use other methods (see below).

We have an entire article on informational interviews, but here are the steps in the process:

First, find names of bankers on LinkedIn and via your school’s alumni network, if applicable. You will get higher response rates from junior-to-mid-level bankers (Analyst through VP), so focus on them first, and then get referrals to reach senior bankers.

Then, determine the appropriate email format for each person, check that the email address exists via Email Checker, and add the person’s name, email address, and key facts (school, major, firm, previous experience, interests, etc.) to your list.

Email the person to request an informational interview, and follow up 2-3 times if you do not hear back at first. This email should be 5 sentences at most, and it should reference very specific details you have in common with the other person.

If you do hear back, set up the call and do 15-20 minutes of additional research on the person right before the call.

Conduct the informational interview on the phone. Spend your time listening and asking questions about the person’s career and tips that he/she has for your job search.

At the end, make a “mini-ask,” such as passing your resume along to others in the group or for referrals to other bankers. Drop a hint about a possible future in-person meeting or weekend trip to their city.

Then, if it is logistically possible, conduct a weekend trip several months later and meet up with the person just before recruiting begins. If you can’t do this, send 1-2 email updates or speak again on the phone and ask more specific questions this time.

Then, make your “real ask” and ask if the person can pass along your resume or otherwise plug you into the recruiting process at their firm.

To give you an idea of the numbers:

You can get started with your email outreach once you have gathered 20-30 names.

If you’re at a target school and have solid alumni access, you can expect to send a few hundred outreach emails; if you’re at a non-target school or you do not have the same access, you might send more like 1,000 – 2,000 emails. Even if you send 10-20 emails per day, it will take months to complete this process.

You’ll likely get a 10-25% response rate if you’re using a good template and contacting the right people. Out of the bankers who respond, you might speak with ~50% on the phone.

So, you might end up speaking with between 50 and 200 bankers on the phone; a reasonable goal might be 2-3 calls per week.

You can expect that 20-30 contacts will become useful and take real steps to promote your candidacy. Ideally, each one will be at a different bank so you’re not dependent on a few groups or firms.

We have covered informational interviews in dozens of interviews, but my top recommendation is this one (email templates included!):

From Non-Target School to Elite Boutique: How to Make the Cross-Country Leap

This reader was at a non-target school, but the same process applies even if you’re at a top university, you’re about to start an MBA, or you’re working full-time.

If you’re working full-time, the main difference is that there’s no “recruiting start date” since banks make lateral hires as they are needed.

So, your timing will depend on when you have enough experience to speak to in interviews, which might take 6-12 months to gain.

We’ve published quite a few interviews with candidates who won lateral offers in investment banking, but if I had to recommend a single article on this topic, it would be this one:

From Valuation Advisory to Investment Banking: How to Make the Lateral Leap

One final note: I did not mention information sessions in the description above.

That was intentional because for many students, these sessions are not that helpful.

You can certainly attend them, but the key is to follow up immediately after the session and ask for 1-on-1 informational interviews with bankers, following the steps above.

Networking at information sessions is nearly impossible because there are too many people crowding around the bankers there, and it’s difficult to associate names with conversations.

And if you want even more on this topic, there are dozens of additional request and follow-up templates included in the IB Networking Toolkit we offer.

Investment Banking Networking Strategy #2: Cold Email to Ask Directly for Internships or Jobs

This strategy is appropriate if:

You are an undergrad, and you are seeking an initial finance internship in your first or second year of school, especially at smaller firms.

You are an incoming MBA student, and you want to complete a pre-MBA internship to give yourself a leg up.

You are about to graduate from university, you missed recruiting, and you need to find something ASAP.

And, ideally, you will be at a target school or have other brand names on your resume/CV, as they will make cold emails far more effective.

Cold emailing to ask directly for internships or jobs will not work well if you’re already working full-time or you’re aiming for summer internships in the formalized recruiting process.

In those cases, you should be using investment banking networking strategy #1 (informational interviews).

A long time ago, I used to dismiss cold emailing as “spam” – who would respond to a random email sent by an undergrad with no real work experience?!!

But as I conducted more interviews with M&I readers, I began to change my mind.

Cold emails offer one simple advantage over cold calls: bankers live in their email inboxes.

If you email them, they will see it, even if they do not necessarily respond.

The steps in the cold-emailing process are very similar to the ones for informational interviews: you still find bankers, guess their email addresses, email them to request calls, and then do the calls.

The main differences are:

When you send the initial email, you ask directly about internships or jobs the group might be offering.

On the call, you stay focused on possible openings in the group or other groups at the bank. There is no need to make a mini-ask; get to the point.

If you get a “no” answer initially, which is very likely, it’s always worth following up a few months later to see if anything has changed. But you don’t need to schedule a weekend trip or do another call – just send a quick follow-up email.

The best example of cold emailing, with email templates included, is in one of my favorite articles on this site:

From Private Equity Internship to Bulge Bracket Investment Banking: How to Cold Email Like a Pro and Win the Offer

This reader graduated from a top university in the U.K. without real work experience and then cold emailed his way into a consulting internship, then a PE internship, and then an off-cycle IB job at a bulge-bracket bank in London.

Cold emailing works at both boutiques and bulge brackets, but if you target the big banks:

You should contact Group Heads or other senior bankers (MDs, Senior MDs, etc.) because they have a better sense of hiring needs across the firm and more power.

And you will need at least one relevant internship or other work experience. If you have nothing, start with smaller firms, gain experience there, and then aim for off-cycle roles at the large banks.

For more examples, see our article on investment banking email templates.

Investment Banking Networking Strategy #3: Cold Call to Ask Directly for Internships or Jobs

And now we arrive at the last main networking strategy, and also my least favorite one.

You should avoid cold calling banks and finance firms unless you have absolutely no other options.

Why?

It tends to be effective only for undergrads and recent grads who lack work experience and have no other way to market themselves.

If you attend even an average school and you have even mediocre internships, you’ll almost certainly get a higher response rate from cold emails.

It rarely works at mid-sized-to-large firms, so this strategy limits you to boutiques.

It’s a repetitive, ego-bruising process that entails more rejection than any other strategy.

And finally, most students are terrible at speaking in real-time on the phone, especially in the age of texting/smartphones/social media.

So, if you went to a completely unknown school, graduated with no work experience, have no marketable skills, and you want to focus on boutique banks, sure, knock yourself out with cold calling.

The high-level steps here are:

Find a list of banks in your area, and then search for bankers’ names and contact information. You can use LinkedIn, Google, Google Maps, or, ideally, services like Capital IQ to do this.

Plan your pitch and figure out what you’re going to tell them. Keep this very, very short (1-2 sentences) and state your university, major, and experience, and ask how to position yourself for an internship at this firm.

Place the call and be prepared to respond to their objections (we’re not hiring, we don’t take interns, we don’t have money, etc.). You will also have to be nice to assistants to reach senior bankers or otherwise ask for the person in charge of recruiting.

Afterward, assuming a negative response, follow up once per week. Move on when they stop giving you specific objections and start saying, “No” or “Please do not call us again.”

Meanwhile, continue to contact and follow-up with other firms on your list.

The numbers here vary widely, but you’re unlikely to get results until you’ve called a few dozen firms, perhaps 100+ firms, and tried to get through multiple times.

We have an article on investment banking cold calling, but the best reader story about the cold-calling process is in from ronnykblair digest https://www.mergersandinquisitions.com/investment-banking-networking/

#ronnykblair digest

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booksbroadwaybbc · 6 years ago

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Coming clean via /r/selfimprovement

Coming clean

I'm a dysfunctional hypocritical weak man. Let's break this down in terms of cause and effect: My friends: They're 17/18 They desire high functioning lifestyles. They spend every day centered around their relationships which facilitate mutual shared interests including study at university. They have sex lives, they're well off They post photos and posts on social media showing their relationships, lifestyle and the interests which they feel compelled to share with everyone.

Me: I'm 18 I'm low functioning. I find it hard to get up early in the morning, wash myself fully, keep good hygiene, Forget about interests. i have no money to fuel my interests and no friends to share them with including study. I only use LinkedIn I failed my high school exams pretty much so will be retaking this year Even with a footnote from my gp on my current challenging family situation and manic/very depressed moods which inhibit functioning, Oxford law is out of the question so is lse/ucl I'll get french/econ at Warwick because it's easy to get into . I would project confidence on girls who wanted an honest relationship with me I bullied everyone in my sixth form from twitter I fueded with peers in maths I forgot about university . Those girls are at/going to Oxford/royal college of music I deactivated Twitter/I just use LinkedIn my lifestyle is too low functioning to share on Instagram I destroyed my academic potential; maths/law Oxbridge; will get french/econ at Warwick bc it's a slack course I was on the high academic achievement path but I gave up on myself just when I was meeting people like me . I would treat the above people badly I'd demonise them I couldn't handle the prospect of being successful , having a sex life, being well liked, being a winner So I just destroyed those chances. . I have crazy nutjob beliefs These include Being an alpha male Limiting communication on social media means life is more efficient I'm above the law. . I believe theres A negative effect against me, a conspiracy I can't use Instagram like my friends, share my talents, be a high acheiver, be high functioning the cause of which is I'm objectively right and I'm being maltreated Because people who don't respect me do the above obviously its bad So I don't partake When in fact that's an excuse I make with myself to compensate for the reality that im an irrelevant loser with benevolent successful friends . Right now There is nothing stopping me - retaking my exams - getting a*aa - having sex and being protected - practicing the piano and partaking in musical activities - having real friends - being in love - having hope in my future - doing my degree - living my best life

Girls I could be dating I'm obviously not an option because I don't market myself . All of the above is possible but i make up these irritational excuses I'm objectively better I will be bullied Who am I to attain my potential I'm irrelevant Living my best life, what a sick joke If anyone cared for me they'd tell me, I wouldn't have to reach out . To confound I'm satirical, I lightly troll people to amuse myself in a good humoured way Why are we all so awful and retarded like come on also ik Warwick is a slackers way in so the whole a2 failure episode is me edging? i love the thrill of being on the edge of fucking up my life im an out of control edgy boi . If I can't treat relationships seriously i will do cbt . hey ho it doesn't help that your eccentric parents literally never supported you except with food and a bed then act like that's all that's needed nah love, maybe rewarding good behaviour, mentoring? Loads of lessons for my kids No animosity My dad is a beast and my mother is beautiful but they cant function in their role as parents

I'm 18 fml uni at 19 Probably working at Fortum and Masons whilst revising in the local library

I like proving obscure points I'm edgy Could have just fun sexy times and dating and gonewild posts and uni but no i have to fail and retake i have to be an ironic low functioning person i have to do uni a year late at best i have to 3rd rule sarc react to everyone in my life I have to have these pretty intelligent good hearted amazing girls think im a fool

Devil's advocate There is no rational cause to the above effect it's giving myself a reason to be a victim but tbf im low on money and logistical requirements and neither of the girls im into or me could go to each others cribs bc of our parents

i even make myself perceived as 1/20000 Blackstone applicant econ top of my class french russian concert pianist funny etc

yet i still find a way to fuck up it's like i don't want girls to buy into my life my identity

if I'm perceived as the above then on paper I'm the guy your man should worry about but yet im losing

hey trump doesn't fucking help disrupting the usa cant tell if it's amazing or really bad

and comparing myself to Michael Bloomberg doesn't help

what about believing my haters opinions of me above my own empathy huh

or having the mentality of a 12 year old partly because kanye said it's cool

or being mercilessly bullied for most of school with elapses of being a popular legend including by a supposed good friend of mine who i knew was dumber then me but hey I'm a satirical meme

or reasoning better then the staff of your school because you subordinate them after a twitter rant which was the direct narrative continuation of your prepubescent starry eyed love for this really fit chinese girl who i sometimes see from time to time with low self esteem who you meme because life is a wierd and wonderful timeline

just some shit to get off my chest much love x

oh yeah also i only communicate or move between rooms in my environment if certain criteria are fulfilled as they relate to my academics anyone else is listening material also

my self concept and sense of control over my own destiny is so outlandish it can't be believed it's twilight zone/the onion/seth mcfarlane

which obviously is annoying

I live for my beliefs law of attraction

introducing myself to someone new nah introduce yourself to me

i feel insecure in terms of grades its fucked it became a negative self fulfilling prophecy but I'm loved I'm well respected my potential and thought leadership is admired . signing orf night x

Submitted September 23, 2018 at 02:29AM by dopamineway via reddit https://ift.tt/2zoHbzD

#IFTTT #reddit

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nekative · 7 years ago

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A dream I've been thinking about all day.

I had a dream last night that makes me kinda sad when I think about it. (Which I did for the whole day because it was kinda confusing?) So, let's bring you up to speed here. I have... Well, had, I suppose... A friend. He was my best friend for 10 years-- grade 1 until grade 10/11. I still consider him my best friend, but we stopped contacting each other when we were in grade 10/11-ish, and people would tell me that that's not what best friends are like, so... yeah. We didn't fight, or anything. We just became too busy with school and extra curriculars. (This is, probably, the biggest regret I have in my life up until this point. If I could go back, I would continue calling and messaging him whenever I could.) Anyway, fast forward to maybe last year or the year before, and I found him on LinkedIn! (He was never really a social networking guy. When all our friends started getting Facebook or MSN or whatever, he just snorted and was all "nah I'm good".) I was so excited! I sent him a message, got a reply, etc etc. And finally, I sent a "I'd love to catch up, but don't wanna rely on LinkedIn messages to do so! Can you send me your number?" And I waited. And waited. And nothing. I was devastated. "Oh," I thought, "but he was always like this! He barely ever responded to text messages and emails, he was always a phone guy!" So, here I am, holding out hope that one day, we can talk on the phone again, just like before. (I recognize that this is probably stupid and childish and naive of me, but honestly, he was my best friend and he meant the world to me. Even when we stopped talking to each other, I still told everyone that he was my best friend.) Alright. So, that's what's been going on in real life. Let's talk about dreams. Before we dive into last night's dream, I'm gonna just quickly go through one dream that I feel is kinda related. If you haven't guessed yet, my dreams have been about my friend. Let's name him 'Paul'. The first dream happened a couple of months ago. I was walking around my area and saw him (we actually lived a 5-10 minute drive away from each other), and I was so, SO excited. I ran to him and we spoke, laughing a bit, and he gave me his new number, and told me that we should meet up and hang out at another time. Of course, the dream cut to that "another time", and I was on my way to his place. I have a pretty bad sense of direction, so I got lost and called him for help. I woke up before he could tell me the directions to get to his place. Now, here's the dream that happened last night. My mom and I were walking in a mall, just talking and laughing, having a good time. Then she looked past me and waved at someone who was sitting at a table at the food court, and my dream self told her that we should keep going. She didn't really argue, and just shrugged it off before we continued on our way. The person we walked past, as you probably concluded, was Paul. And my dream self knew, too. Like, you know how in dreams, sometimes, you see things in the perspective of like how you would watch a movie? Well, the camera cut and you could see Paul kinda like, awkwardly sitting back down after he waved at my mom. My dream self had reasoned out that the idea that Paul was the same person he was in my head, the childhood friend, was much more appealing than talking with him and finding out that he purposefully ignored my message on LinkedIn, and that he was a different person entirely. So, the dream then cuts to me being tied up and locked inside of a locker. I had my mouth taped shut, and I was afraid. I struggled a bit, but then the door opened and I fell out and hit the floor. When I looked up, it was Paul, and I was no longer afraid. I stopped struggling and I just looked up at him, watching him. And then he spoke, and it wasn't his voice. Okay, granted, I haven't heard the guy's voice in like, 6-7 years, so maybe his voice changed a bit, but it most definitely wasn't his voice. The voice I knew and loved was deep, but boyish. It was kind, but sarcastic. But this? It was too deep. And menacing. "Why did you try to leave me behind?" He leaned in closer to me. "You're mine. Why did you do that? I didn't want to do this to you. But why did you hurt me?" And, honestly, I wasn't afraid. I was just sad. He just continued yelling at me, the same sentences but with different words. He wanted to know why I didn't approach him. My dream self (apparently gained the ability to speak, and) said something along the lines of "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry." And he backed off. He untied me and sat down with me. The dream then fast forwarded to a scene of two old people sitting together and eating watermelon slices, and I knew that was us. But I can't stop thinking about this dream because I woke up feeling so sad. Maybe it's because I miss him so much, and, if he didn't move away, he still lives nearby, but it feels wrong for me to just appear one day. But, yeah, if you read through this whole thing, thank you. I'm just confused as to what to think about this dream. I know it's a sign that I miss him, but I feel like it means more, but I can't figure it out.

#dream #dreams #personal #dream interpretation #childhood friend

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nathandgibsca · 7 years ago

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Stop All Social Media Activity (Organic) | Solve For A Profitable Reality

Life is short.

It is time to point out an ugly truth, and to be the brave person that you are, the intelligent rational assessor of reality that you are, and kill all the organic social media activity by your company.

All of it.

Seems radical, but let’s take it one step at a time.

To give you a sense of the depth and breadth of ideas I’ll cover today, here are the sections in this post:

+ The Promise of Marketing Utopia. + The Broken Promise of Marketing Utopia, Implications. + The Broken Promise of Marketing Utopia: Examples. + Win Big: Stop Posting Content for Organic Reach On Social Channels. + Is the Huge Audience on Social Media Platforms Completely Useless? + Is the Idea of Marketing Utopia Permanently Dead? + Bottom-line.

I urge you to have an open mind. My plan is to challenge your critical thinking skills, and share lessons that will apply broadly across the professional effort you put day in and day out. Most of all, I’m excited to frame an important problem, and present solutions that will transform an important part of your marketing strategy.

Let’s go!

The Promise of Marketing Utopia.

I hate pimping (what marketing has come to be). I adore building meaningful relationships – the kind of long-term connections where a brand truly gives a f about their customers, and gives something of value in exchange for their attention. I LOVE brands that can pull this off, and support them with my un-asked-for evangelism and precious $$$s.

Hence, you can imagine how gosh darn excited I was at the advent of Facebook and Twitter (first real social networks). There were a billion people there, spending a meaningful amount of time on these wonderful platforms. Excitedly, brands could have a presence (a "page") where they could contribute meaningful updates (info-snacks) in order to be a part of the organic conversations people were already having by the tens of millions.

Daily meaningful brand connections would be converted into brand familiarity, shifts in brand perception, feeding brand loyalty. #orgasmic

If you were a travel company, meaningful would now translate into helping feed wanderlust. The company could contribute info-snacks about where people should go, exposing the coolest places in the world, helping people travel better via tips, pictures, videos… you know… communicating travel love. The one thing a travel company would have in common with travel customers. The most imaginative travel marketers could even extend this opportunity to helping connect the purpose of their existence, selling tickets and hotel rooms, to helping people create moments of happy by crafting day/s of escape from the rough and tumble of life.

Glorious, right? If you work at Expedia or Cathay Pacific, does that not make you want to come to work and, for at least a part of your employment, create meaning? How rare is that!

If you were Cisco, meaningful would mean sharing info-snacks whose entire purpose could be to get Engineers promoted. Share tips, ideas, schematics, usage shortcuts, creative implementations, solutions to top problems that hold Engineers back… you know… understanding your audience deeply and give them something of value in exchange for their attention. The most imaginative B2B marketers could even figure out how to be a part of solving some of the deepest entrenched problems in the industry (STEM education, equal opportunity, + +) and in turn add an entire value-system to their brands.

Amazing, right?

Marketing based on something real, rather than a coupon or company brochure.

The Broken Promise of Marketing Utopia, Implications.

None of the above transpired on Social platforms.

Businesses of all types, including Google (SMB, Main), got on amazing platforms like Facebook (and Weibo, Instagram, Pintrest etc.) and started pimping. All that their collective imagination could manifest in a Utopia-possible environment was: LOOK ME I AM SO PRETTY!! BUY NOW!!!

Stuff that is a turn off.

Consider the Google’s first FB page above, it is a complete disaster with not a single post in the last six months being of even five seconds of value to any small business. That page, or the main one, is not an overt Buy Now, but if you think critically like the tough Marketer I want you to be you’ll have a hard time finding a single post that’s solving for Google’s human customers. Almost every single one is pimping Google (or pimping random research Google has commissioned – to pimp Google!). The non-value is so transparent, yet they post every single day something that basically is solving for Google (although only God knows what that is). If someone bothers to interact with the post, the posted comment is a spam or totally useless. Yet. They keep posting. Polluting utopia.

Google is not unique in not understanding the promise, checkout your company’s FB page.

This strategy by businesses lead to what I now call the Zuck Death Spiral. ZDS.

Real humans on Social platforms quickly got turned off by these low-grade Social contributions/posts by companies. That meant humans (us!) refused to engage with them. This was noticed by Team Zuck, who started to slowly turn down the presence of company posts in User feeds. This lead to less Reach for brands. Which in turn lead to even fewer customer interactions for content posted by brands. Which was duly noted once more by Team Zuck. Which… you know where this is going, tightened the screws on organic Reach even more. And, here we are in a barren desert for brands on FB.

Most brands get less than 1% Reach via their organic contributions on social platforms. And, less than 1% engagement of any kind from that less than 1% reached (identified using the best social media metrics: Conversation Rate, Amplification Rate, Applause Rate).

ZDS is solving for FB, as FB should, and it is an attempt to solve for FB’s users.

So… If all you can do is overtly or covertly pimp… And, pimping is not cheap (that Google page, and your company’s page, has pictures, videos, an agency deployed, internal company employees with a “social media execution checklist”, senior leadership time committed, and more)… And, all it does is get you 1% Reach, max, with almost no engagement… Why do you still have an active (organic) social media effort?

Why is this reality not smacking some sense into your marketing strategy?

The Broken Promise of Marketing Utopia: Examples.

Is it difficult to check if your brand is caught up in the Zuck Death Spiral? No.

Do you have access to any data to measure how deeply non-impactful your organic Social Media efforts are? OMG, yes.

Everything you need, data and information, to do an audit is public.

All you have to do is visit your company’s Facebook page (or Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, etc. presence).

Let me show you what to look for. Let’s start with Expedia. They have 6.4 million Likes as of today. Go look at any post on the page if you are an Expedia employee.

First thing you’ll look at is the Applause Rate (likes, other emotions, you’ll see it right under the photo). That number is 75. Divide that by 6,462,977 (potential audience size today).

0.00113%. That’s a painful stab in your heart.

Next Conversation Rate (comments, you’ll see a total at the end of your posts). 7. Divide that by 6,462,977. A sad 0.00011%.

Finally, my favorite sign that you truly added value to a human rather than pimp, Amplification Rate (shares). 3/6,462,977. At this point you are weeping with me: 0.00005%.

To give you some context as to how insanely lame these numbers are, Expedia.com received 59,400,000 Visits in May 2017. This post accomplished 75+7+3. More people walk into the Expedia lobby in Bellevue, WA, every second of every minute.

You might be screaming that is not fair Avinash, the Zuck Death Spiral ensures that a tiny fraction of 6,462,977 are seeing Expedia’s posts! Very fair point. But, is the Social Media Budget at Expedia not justified based on the potential from 6,462,977? Would Expedia commit it’s multi-million-dollar budget to Social Media based on the potential to engage 75+7+3 people on Planet Earth?

One final point. Brand destruction.

Pretty much every single comment on pretty much every single Expedia post is a complaint about how horrible Expedia is (from personal experience I know this is not true). If your Facebook presence is solely to inspire people (see Trish Sayler above) to create clever rhymes about how bad you are… Why are you on Social Media?

Ignore the active smearing of the Expedia brand, let’s go back to data: Is it worth have 75 | 7 | 3 as the value delivered from an organic Social Media strategy for a company with 54,900,000 Visits?

My answer is an emphatic no. Expedia should immediately cease 100% of its organic Social activity.

1/100th of the Social Media budget could be spent on any other random digital strategy to get 75+7+3, and have zero brand destruction!

Oh. And while I’m focusing on Facebook for the sake of simplicity, everything in this post applies to all other Social Media channels. The Utopia failures. The lack of imagination. The small numbers. The uselessness.

Here for example is a post on Twitter by Expedia:

The numbers: 9 | 2 | 2. Divided by 391,000 (followers).

You can do the math and assess dent in the universe this content contribution from Expedia is making.

Almost nothing. Technically, perhaps less than nothing.

I hate making recommendations based on outliers, please know that Expedia is the norm. Hence, the title of this blog post.

Here’s a B2B example, a company I think well of… Cisco.

Go through the same analysis.

Your numbers are 31 | 1 | 3. Divided by 845,921.

Would you spend a single hard-earned Cisco router and switches dollar to get this as the return from a multi-million dollar Social Media budget?

Like my company, your company, and Expedia, Cisco gets no value from their organic Social Media efforts. Technically, Cisco is getting negative returns once you account for the people, process, tools, agency, leadership investments.

Let’s switch gears and look at a B2C company with a massively positive opportunity to leverage the word Social in every way on these platforms… Chick-fil-A.

Better numbers, as you might expect.

1k | 89 | 73. Divided by 7,775,155.

Consider it. Chick-fil-A could buy the most remnant TV inventory on a channel least watched by humans during the middle of the night and get better Reach. And they can also measure how many of them walked into a Chick-fil-A in the next 12 hours.

Does the above number justify custom videos, images, active posting by Click-fil-A on Facebook?

One final example to bring this home.

ProjectManager.com is a lovely tool. It is wonderful that they use folks like Jennifer Bridges, Susanne Madsen and others to create very helpful Project Management videos on YouTube. It seems they are a medium-sized business.

Here’s their Facebook page:

69 | 0 | 25. Divided by 62,951.

Pound for pound, better performance than all three (four including Google) companies above. Shame on them.

Still. Are the resulting Applause Rate, Conversation Rate and Amplification Rate enough for a smaller business to use it’s precious marketing dollars on this Social Media strategy/impact?

Consider this as well for all brands… There is no native discovery model on these Social channels. Your content will live for 20 minutes and then it is dead. Not just because of ZDS, but also because there is no Search behavior by users or a method that would deliver Serendipitous Discovery of content you post.

Unlike say on YouTube, or your Blog, where your Subscribers will see the content right away, and then through Bing and Yandex and YouTube itself people will find your content when relevant and keep viewing it. Your content there has a live beyond 20 minutes.

Win Big: Stop Posting Content for Organic Reach On Social Channels.

Given the numbers above, and be sure to check any other Social Media channel your company is actively investing in, I hope you have the input you need to apply your critical thinking skills.

Let me give you one final push: You have better alternatives to drive short and long-term Profitability for your company (rather than investing in organic Social Media).

Here’s an example.

I write an insightful newsletter with the singular aim of improving your salary. The Marketing < > Analytics Intersect. You should sign up. It is a companion to this blog, I write once a week there and once a month here.

One year into it’s existence, TMAI has 21,246 Subscribers.

Measuring Open Rates for email is difficult (the tiny pixel ESPs use to track opens are not executed by default for most email programs). Even with that flaw in reporting, TMAI has Open Rates of around 9,000 (9,895 precisely for the last one). Around 1,000 people (912 for the last one) take an action that is of value to me.

A random person, me, can get 9,000 opens of my content, at least a thousand active engagements with my brand whenever I want. I have over 1,000,000 Social Media followers across the five platforms (Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Google+, Instagram). I can’t even get 1/100th the impact.

My simple unsexy email newsletter strategy crushes the on paper potential of one million Social Media followers.

And, beyond the impact… I also directly own the relationships with my 21,246 Subscribers, I own the data, the relationship exists on my platform, and I can use it as creatively I want to use it with no limitation on type of content (text or video or dancing penguin gifs).

Why should your company be on Social Media 5x per day to get a lousy 20 interactions with your brand? How is that acceptable ROI from your investment in a 5 person Social Media team, a Social Media Agency, a Social Media analytics tool, a Social Media auto-posting tool and more?

Could you not get 100x ROI from the 0.25 person that's running your email newsletter?

Could you not just take all that Team, Agency, Tool, money, throw it into AdWords or AOL Display Ads and not get massively higher ROI, of any kind, in 10 minutes?

Could you not get better ROI taking all that money and buying remnant inventory on your local Television channel?

Could you not get better ROI if you just took that money and bought free lunch for the employees in your building every other day?

OMG, you most definitely can.

So. Why are you on Social Media?

Is it fun to shout in a vacuum?

Why does it not feel dirty to go waste your shareholder's money?

Stop it then.

Welcome to the world of higher standards for impact delivered. Feel cleaner and prouder coming to work every day as a Marketer/CMO.

Is the Huge Audience on Social Media Platforms Completely Useless?

NO!

There are a couple of billion people on Facebook (and billions or hundreds of millions on other Social channels). From an advertising perspective, that’s still an audience that might be of value to your business.

Kill your organic Social strategy completely, switch to a paid Social Media strategy.

Buy advertising from Facebook. I’ll make it easy, click this link!

Buy advertising from Twitter. From Snapchat. LinkedIn. Oh and WeChat and Line.

This simple switch from the fuzzy Organic goals to concrete Paid goals will give the one thing your Social Media Marketing strategy was missing: Purpose.

It is now easy to define why the heck are you spending money on Social Media? To drive short and medium-term brand and performance outcomes.

Fabulous.

Set aside the useless metrics like Impressions and 3-second Video Views. Set aside hard to judge and equally useless Like and Follow counts. Measure the hard stuff that you can show a direct line to company profit.

Define a purpose for the money you are spending.

For the clients I’ve worked with across the world, expressed behavior of the users suggests that the largest cluster of intent is See. There is a little bit of Think and a little bit of Care. (This is why Social marketing strategies that target Do intent yield extremely poor results.)

[Bonus Read: See-Think-Do-Care Business Framework]

If the purpose is to execute See and Care intent marketing strategies (in the old world sometimes incompletely referred to as brand marketing), you can use the following amongst my favorite metrics to deliver accountability:

1. Unaided Brand Recall 2. Likelihood to Recommend 3. Lift in Purchase Intent 4. Shift in Brand Perception (negative to neutral, neutral to positive, positive to proactive evangelism) 5. Lifetime Value

Humans have measured these using primary and secondary research methods for 3,500 years. Quite easy to do the same for your newly focused paid Social advertising efforts.

[Bonus Read: Brand Measurement: Analytics & Metrics for Branding Campaigns]

If on the other hand the purpose of your paid Social advertising is to target Think and/or Do intent, you should measure the impact using the following across your digital – and pan-digital presence:

1. Recency & Frequency 2. Loyalty 3. Task Completion Rate 4. Assisted Conversions 5. Macro-Outcomes Rate 6. Economic Value

We have measured these for a long time on the web. You can use your quantitative tools to measure most of these (Google Analytics, Adobe, True Social Metrics). And. You can measure these for your ecommerce, non-ecommerce, B2B, B2C, pure content, non-profit, or whatever else kind of delicious business you are running.

Now, you’ll hold your agency and employees accountable for delivering business profitability for your Social efforts just as you do for any other advertising effort – Search or TV or Email.

Just as you would do in all those other cases, do more paid Social advertising if the metrics show a business impact and improve/eliminate your paid Social efforts if they don’t.

It will mean a different Social content strategy, different targeting strategy (leveraging rich Social signals), and a different landing page/app strategy. Proper end-to-end user and business optimization. Nirvana, delivered by that magical word… Purpose.

The path to your salary and job promotion is also now crystal-clear. Right?

Is the Idea of Marketing Utopia Permanently Dead?

I’ve seen the near-future, and I believe we’ll get to Utopia Marketing.

The fact that companies don’t know how to be human, how to take even 20% of their people plus budget and invest optimally in understanding humans and deliver something of value to those humans is deeply heartbreaking.

Yes, I can blame the short-term quarterly focus of the CMOs and the SELL, SELL, SELL MORE incentives they create for you to earn your bonus. But still, how heartbreaking is it that not even 1% of us could convince our CMOs to allow us to do what Social was actually good at? How sad is it that we have such little influence? I blame us.

Still. I am optimistic that Marketing Utopia, as I’ve imagined it at the top of this post, is not dead. I think the solution will be to get rid of the humans from the process!

What? Human marketing by getting rid of humans?

Yes. Hear me out.

I think AI/Machine Learning will solve this problem.

Today, humans and their limited ability to process data, and the finite incentives in place, are the reason we burned Utopia to the ground. We simply can’t process billions of signals across tens of millions of touch points across millions of people, and figure out the best message at every moment and its short, medium, and long-term business value.

Current advances in ML already give me hope that algorithms will understand intent a billion trillion times better than your current employees AND these algorithms will have the inherent capabilities to process billions of data points to truly understand complex patterns of user behavior and a robust understanding across all that to know exactly what delivers business profit.

Companies can then take the equivalent of their Brand and Social budgets and allow smarter algorithms to deliver the right message to the right person at the right time across all clusters of intent. All the while, optimizing for long-term business profitability.

It will help that Machine Learning is not embolden to trivial company politics. :)

[Bonus Read: Artificial Intelligence: Implications On Marketing, Analytics, And You]

Bottom-line.

While I’m recommending you stop doing something, hearing no is not super-inspiring, I hope you’ll see that my goal is help you think more critically about where you spend your personal time and your company’s money.

I also hope you’ll see how the shift in strategy I’m recommending brings Social in line with your other advertising efforts, allowing for a ton more focus on your Social efforts and a billion times more accountability.

Finally, I hope you feel optimistic that around the horizon lurk technological solutions that will allow for the manifestation of the beautiful humanity that exists in your company (even if we have to take human employees out of the equation to get there – don’t worry, they’ll still, for now, be responsible for the novel elements required).

Demand more from Social, because Social can deliver more.

As always, it is your turn now.

If you’ve achieved sustained success from your organic Social Media content strategy, would you please share your example? If you disagree and believe Marketers should invest in organic Social despite poor Reach, ApR, CoR, and AmR, would you please share how you see value/impact? If you’ve successfully dumped organic and pivoted to paid Social, please share stories of your victory. Are you as optimistic as I am that Machine Learning based intelligence will solve optimally for the Utopia opportunity?

I look forward to hearing your smart perspectives and cogent challenges.

Thank you.

Stop All Social Media Activity (Organic) | Solve For A Profitable Reality is a post from: Occam's Razor by Avinash Kaushik

from SEO Tips https://www.kaushik.net/avinash/stop-organic-social-media-marketing-solve-for-profit/

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