#(Dean's s8 early guilt seems to say it is)

[kerryweaverlesbian]

(Inspired by @pollsnatural poll). No season 4 because that's during the enemies part of their enemies to besties (to lovers?) arc. And let me know your reasoning and/or miserable Cas dies at Dean's hand scenarios lmao.

[antigonewinchester]

part 2 of my analysis of the commentary track for 9x16 “Blade Runners.” not under the cut this time since it’s somewhat shorter & isn’t quite as intense as part 1 (linked here).

again, here’s a transcript of the section of the commentary I’m talking about:

BUCKNER: Now a new wrinkle appears, because we’re seeing for the first time a connection between Dean and the First Blade, and it’s really weird for him, he had no idea.
 ROSS-LEMMING: I mean it taps into his— It clarifies for him, or it gives him an indication that, he is— his DNA is that of a killer on some level, he’s fundamentally— I mean who knows, even existentially, if he’s that guy before he got the Mark.
 BUCKNER: And we’ve played with those scenes before, that Dean has sort of a warrior mentality, and this sort of cements the deal.

 SHEPARD: And then we have the parallel between Crowley’s blood addiction and then the possibility of the affect that the Mark, and the blade, are having on Dean.
 BUCKNER: Absolutely, it sets all this up.
 ROSS-LEMMING: I mean, Dean is always at war with himself in this series. To some degree maybe other people have experienced that, obviously Crowley’s going through an episode of that, but I think through the whole series— Sam had the period where he was soulless, and then he had the drinking blood period, but— I always think Dean is fundamentally not comfortable with who he is, he feels guilty or a shame or responsibility, but he’s always at war with his own nature.
 SHEPARD: He always seems to introvert on that as well, he always seems to self reflect rather than put it out there. Sam seems to put it out there a lot more than [Dean]. ROSS-LEMMING: Or Dean goes into these weird— he just goes into denial, he just pushes it to the back burner, [as in] OK, that’s true, but I don’t care. SHEPARD: Which gives Crowley the opportunity to capitalize on that. Of course. ROSS-LEMMING: Because it never goes away, it’s just— lurking somewhere in [Dean’s] psyche, and Crowley can ignite it.

[33:59 - 35:55]

the second big thing is how the writers talk about Dean’s expression of his feelings similarly to the ‘Dean is emotionally repressed’ idea that floats around fandom a lot. I suppose I don’t completely disagree with this characterization, in that Dean can push his feelings down, often because there’s something bigger on the horizon he has to deal with first, but I see that as something different than from being in denial. was Dean really in denial about his grief in s2, his fear in s3, his guilt in s4, his depression in s5 or s7, or did he just not want to talk about it? there’s maybe something to Dean being in denial in s8 (see his thinking Cas must have gotten jumped by a monster instead of having run away in Purgatory, his later false Purgatory memories, & how Dean dealt with Sam and Amelia) but that was from a specific context & trauma and less a part of a larger pattern for him. not that Dean always understands what he’s feeling, but in general, I’d say he has a grasp of what going on, and I see Jensen as playing Dean as emotionally self aware, broadly. also, there’s a difference between denying feelings and not sharing them with others. again, Dean isn’t a perfect communicator, but there are plenty of examples of Dean opening up & articulating pretty well what he’s feeling and why.

I also want to point to a recurring pattern in the show of Dean opening up & sharing his feelings and then being told his feelings are wrong or bad, in one form of another. which is understandable in that being empathetic & listening to someone can be a difficult thing, but it sure does happen to Dean a lot. there’s how both Sam and Bobby react to Dean’s self-loathing in s2 & s3, there’s how early s5 handled Dean’s lack of trust in Sam, there’s the whole running thing in s7 where Dean tries to talk about how bad he feels and Bobby, Frank, etc. who shut him down, there’s Dean being upset with Cas in 8x22 and Sam then telling Dean to go easy on him. (brief detour: what does it mean to “go easy” on someone when they beat you half to death & then left without a real explanation? there’s also an interesting analysis as to why Sam wants Dean to go easy on Cas and how Sam views Dean’s feelings.)

I suppose the occam’s razor is that the show does see Sam’s “putting out his feelings” as the more emotionally mature option, versus Dean’s playing his cards close to his chest. feels quite telling to me that Ross-Lemming describes Dean not talking about what he’s feeling as “weird.” I just fundamentally disagree with that judgement, both on more general terms - you don’t have to talk out your feelings to be aware of them - and more specifically with Dean. considering the recurring pattern of him opening up and then having his feelings minimized, it makes sense he’d be cagier about his emotions after enough of that.

[makingitupaswego]

i am very basic so im a dean girl but i would very much like to hear your argument for being a sam girl, perhaps i can be radicalized

first off being a dean girl is NOT basic it is actually the more sane option and i respect you for making the right choice. second of all you’ve opened an entire can of worms and i’m about to write a gotdam essay

a lot of my love for sam comes from being a crazy 15 year old while watching the early seasons because i’ve always enjoyed watching characters who seem sweet and nice go crazy and just barrel headfirst into moral ambiguity. i think it’s sexy of them and i think more characters should do it. however i think the main reason i’m STILL a sam girl is i really loved watching sam try to navigate his guilt and trauma after all of that, and that overcoming what happened to him is so core to every single thing he does from like, season 6 onward. season 7 is the most obviously about this, but it’s also in him taking on the trials in an attempt to purify himself in s8, in his inability to forgive dean for letting gadreel in in s9, in him having to face lucifer again and again (even though it often wasnt handled well) and each time shrinking, flinching, ending up on his knees, pressing himself against walls, but ultimately standing up to him every single time, in him being the first to reach out to jack the moment he saw jack struggling with the exact same fear of his own powers and the idea that he might be inherently evil and raising jack out of that idea into the pure hope and kindness that both jack AND sam embody by the end of the series. and beyond that it’s in him refusing to cut his hair until season 9 it’s in him watching the food he puts in his body it’s in him hoping and praying to god until season 11 because he needs there to be a greater power in all of this who still believes in him. EVERYTHING that exists within sam winchester post-5 is about trauma and the way it brings him down so effortlessly between s7-8 and the very slow process of healing from it from that point on (ironically started only after dean said yes to gadreel for him and sam realized he was worth more than that)

and at the end of it all he’s kinder and gentler than he ever was at the beginning. in s1-4 he was focused so completely on himself, on his own anger and mission until all of that came back to bite him, and the guilt from all of that tied itself to everything he suffered in hell in his mind to the point where he was so ready to throw himself away at the end of s8, and then, somehow, at the end of everything, he is composed of light and heart and warmth. he is the first one to teach jack compassion after his mother. he is the sole source of optimism in so much of s15. that fuckin..doctor who quote that’s like “all that pain and misery and loneliness and it just made him kind” that’s sam winchester. the way he took his destiny as hell’s perfect soldier, the boy king, lucifer’s true vessel, and ended up becoming the one thing standing between every demon in hell and the throne AND becoming the leader of an entire generation of hunters....he embodies so much strength.

tldr sam’s entire character arc is about a person’s journey through real trauma and the light at the end of all of it. it’s about guilt, fear, consent, healing, relapse, acceptance, bodily autonomy, self-worth, and hope. and i LOVE dean -- he’s my favorite takedown of american masculinity, between the stuggle with/attempt to stop the cycle of his father’s abuse and conditioning, the repression, the anger, the grief, etc.. and the layers??? the writers very clearly put a lot of thought into what’s made dean who he is and how he can combat that in the later seasons. he is the most complex character on television and i say that with absolute confidence. i would be lying if i said i never considered becoming a dean girl. but sam’s themes resonate more with me so i think that’s why i always come back to him

[katsidhe]

Hey! For your past episode reviews, what are your thoughts on 2x21 (All Hell Breaks Loose Part 1)?

2.21-2.22 Final Thoughts

Well, two people asked me for All Hell Breaks Loose, so I figured I’d do both parts. (Also feel free to send me more episodes to review, I’m in the mood!)

OK starting off with my rant: Ava should have killed Sam instead of Jake. WHY WASN’T AVA THE MVP.

I don’t care about Jake. At all. We’ve barely met him, he’s in the military, he seems like a pragmatic type who’d kill to save his own life; okay, fine. He’s willing to kill Sam, a guy he barely knows, when his own life and possibly his family is under threat; big surprise. As a wise man once said, “Oh, my. I'm shocked at this unforeseen turn of events.”

But Ava knows Sam! She reached out to him to save his life! He’s been carrying around her missing poster for most of a year! She makes herself out to be innocent and hysterical and kind-hearted, and we believe her because we’ve met her before. Her newfound power and dark resolve are a gut-punch. Her betrayal is compelling because it’s, you know, an actual betrayal. And she’s sympathetic even so: it’s gutting to consider that she’s been in the demonic hunger games ALL SEASON, and the things that must have happened to her to mold her this way. She’s iconic.

Sam spends his time in Cold Oak giving off serious Protag Energy in a way that’s not altogether common for him—trying to get everyone to stick together against an ill-defined foe. Relatedly, whyyyyy the fuck do all these people think they’d be better off on their own, even disregarding horror tropes and ignoring the fact that there’s definitely demons around?

I always manage to forget how many incredibly corny ghost tropes early seasons SPN manages to intermingle with legitimately terrifying imagery. ‘I will not kill’ on a blackboard a hundred times, pfffahaha why.

As always, Azazel is charismatic and everything, but I get confused by what exactly his bigger plan was here? Like, he was clearly in communication with Lucifer, but also doesn’t seem to know that Sam’s his vessel, and his demon war doesn’t seem to be intrinsically linked with the bigger apocalypse plan (unless he was aiming to knock out a bunch of seals, maybe). I choose to believe that he was simply pregaming. Good for him.

It always makes me a little sad whenever Sam in early seasons mentions something about ‘the size of what’s coming.’ Oh baby. you have no idea.

And Sam dies. And Dean speaks over his body, cries over it as it lies there inanimate, statuesque. What comes next, and what Dean decides to do, will shape their lives, and Sam lies there, unable to speak or intervene.

It’s terrifying, it’s gutting, the claustrophobia of it. The impossibility of Dean moving forward. Despite his knowledge, the terrible knowledge of John’s deal. The lesson Dean’s learned, the fact that he’d never let someone else do the same—but he has this costly knowledge and he’ll do it just the same. I’ve paid enough, Dean says.

When the deal is done, Dean feels SO GOOD about it. It’s amazingly concrete.

The survivor’s guilt involved here is unimaginable for everyone, from every angle. The inherent consent issues start out gradual. And it’s better this way, if not quite as compelling to me as, say, s8-9. They’ll work up to it.

The climax of 2.22 is… honestly staged in a pretty silly way. Lotta “why don’t  you just shoot him or move or close the damn gate” etc. Or hell, is there a reason Jake couldn’t just break a portion of the railroad trap? None of these people have their brains on.

I hate John’s brief reappearance with the fury of a thousand suns. It’s such a dumb, cheap, saccharine way to deal with him.

There are also a couple of “is Sam going EVIL???” seeds planted: him shooting Jake multiple times, and Azazel speculating to Dean about whether he’s “100% pure Sam.” Neither of these gets brought up again: it’s just more fun fuel on the fire that will be s4. (As is Sam’s discovery that he’s got demon blood, which he keeps to himself.)

Most of what is really good about these episodes is good in  a foundational sense, I think: providing the legwork and the concrete ground for pushing and twisting the ante further and further in later seasons. It’s the start of what SPN is capable of, and a tease at the depths to which it will go.

[jensenknowsdeanbetterthanyou]

1 Hello, I hope it's ok to reply to you about an old post. I think their small age gap was really clever, since Dean's misplaced guilt and responsibility add a lot of nuance to both him and his dynamic with Sam. And classic spn mostly handled that well iirc. The problem is that latter writers have no idea what the word nuance means and they seem to dislike Dean which is why we get such bad content overall sadly.

Hello, anon 

Sorry for the slow reply, hopefully, you’ll see this. 

You make an excellent point, it is kinda stereotypical for there to be a larger age difference between the main characters with these kinds of chosen one storylines, with the younger character always taking the special/chosen one role and then you have the older as the protector/spectator or sometimes there’s a gender difference where the special/chosen one is a female while the protector/spectator is the male. 

For example, you have Luke and Han (where Han is I assume in his late 20s - early 30s whereas Luke is just a “kid” in his early 20s) or Big Trouble in Little China with an adult protector and a special/chosen one child (good example - terrible film) or for a classic example where the special one is female there’s The Fifth Element where Bruce Willis is just the tough, regular guy and Mila Jovovich is the special one who saves the world. 

Now as you say, the lack of age difference between Dean and Sam adds a whole bunch of new layers to this somewhat overused trope, and it helped towards Dean becoming (I think) the show’s most sympathetic character because it’s canon that he has always had to be a hero, in a more everyday sense, since he was a small child, even before he began hunting and he out of the entire family ended up sacrificing the most - his childhood, his personhood, his education- all in the name of The Family Business. 

And yes in those earlier seasons the writers took advantage and utilised this for the extra drama that would not be there otherwise.  Something Wicked is a perfect example, they made the boys look similar in age during those flashbacks, they made it clear that wee!Dean was obviously as much of a child as Sam, so it was even more heartbreaking to see him have to give up food so his brother could eat, or carry a huge gun in his small hands. 

So yes, I do appreciate the unique dynamic the lack of age difference brings, the only reason why I wrote this post is because of the more recent writers, with Dabb a particular offender since he started as early as s4 with After School Special. 

As I said back then, over the years the writers have begun to simplify their dynamic, treating Dean like he's Sam’s actual parent or at least unquestionably Sam’s caretaker and therefore should carry all the responsibility and blame, with no discussion on how messed up that is because he IS and forever will be just a slightly older brother who was forced into this role. I will never be over Just My Imagination and resent any kind of praise that episode received. I also resent the more recent casting choices, where wee!Sam always looked like he’s about 5 years old with ridiculously big doe eyes (therefore actually looking more like wee!Dean if you think he looks anything like wee!Jensen) whereas not so wee!Dean looks twice his age because the actor IS twice the age, and this sort of casting always backs up the writers. 

So my point was, if the writers are going to force the issue that Dean is the older protector, with no discussion on how it affects him because he’s just as young, then I wish they’d just gone for the stereotypical casting with a larger age gap from the beginning. 

And then there’s the fact that older!Dean as the protector and younger!Sam as the “child” just doesn’t work so well these days because Jensen simply does not age at the same rate as Jared, so as a result we’ve ended up with Dean sometimes looking younger than Sam and YET we still have parent!Dean and child!Sam scenarios for example The Trials in s8, even though Sam is a grown man who looks the older of the two. 

It kinda forces you to question their family dynamic/relationship, you can’t help but ask why is this middle-age man being babied by his younger-looking brother? 

[curioussubjects]

come be a season 12 truther, baby, with me

In honor of tonight’s Berens/Glynn episode (!!!!), I’d like to take y’all on a magical journey in which I share why I think Dean and Cas got together in season 12. 

Keep in mind that this post takes for granted that Dean and Cas are in love with each other and that their relationship has been increasingly coded as romantic with each passing season. Consequently, what this post does is point out some key moments in their relationship and argue why they don't get together before 12. I'll also go briefly over 13 and 14 for reasons I'll explain later in the post. First, though, let me go over seasons 4 through 11, with some pit stops along the way:

Seasons 4 & 5: this isn’t the destiel you are looking for. the ust is delicious, yes, and i, too, got sucked in posthaste immediately groped by an angel lj community style. At this point Cas is still too alien for anything beyond the development we see on screen happen. HOWEVER, season 5 is the first time we get to see Cas being human (The End) and Cas being less connected to heaven and how that affects his behavior. This will matter. 

Seasons 6 & 7: the pining omg the pining. The notable things I want to point out with these seasons is a. this is the beginning of Cas doing things to spare Dean and it not ending well (Cas dies #1, soulless!Sam); b. Dean is v. sad; and c. we also start noticing the emotional toll of Cas’s divided loyalties and how human he has actually become since s4. Hurty feels all around.  

Season 8: purgaytory babes aw yeah! Still lots of terrible awful pining. This is a turning point with the addition of the bunker as tfw hq: we have a home in play now, a static emotional center. Cas is still off doing his own thing, Dean still wishes Cas would just let him (+ Sam) help out. Cas going off on his own leads to disaster #2 (Angels fall, Cas loses his Grace). For all deliciously angsty get together purgatory fics and spec, there’s too much of a gap between Dean and Cas on Cas’s part due to his guilt over betraying the Winchesters in s6 & slaughtering angels & leviathan. On the other hand, we do see Dean being more emotionally open, but to no avail. Bad timing. This is a trend. [oop also worth noting we get Dean being kinda done with the one night stand thing because always with the adios and ahem also hint hint Cas refusing to stay put]

Seasons 9 & 10: aka Dean and Cas make bad decisions, but mostly Dean. The biggest turning point here is Cas being human for an extended period of time. There is still plenty of spec over the effects of being human on Cas’s Grace and his Soul. What we can say for sure, though, is that Cas is much more human once he becomes an angel again. In contrast to s8, s9 sees Cas being vulnerable and Dean pushing him away (first because of Gadreel, which he didn’t want to do really and that’s even sadder kdjfgksdfj & later because he was pushing everyone away due to the mark).  

9.06 Heaven Can’t Wait: there’s been so much amazing fic and spec about this episode with its fanfiction gap, but I can’t see a deancas get together here, folks. I know, it’s terrible. The lying from Dean and the hurt from Cas, imo, make the distance between them quite insurmountable at this point. While the episode is amazing (Bobo’s debut, too! So ♥) and has some notorious subtext throughout, I just can’t see the character bridging that gap into anything physical, much less emotional. Nevertheless, this episode does show perhaps the first intentional romantic tableaux with Dean and Cas, and that’s not nothing. 

10.16 Paint it Black: from the point Dean gets the mark of cain until the end of season 10, anything between him and Cas is quite impossible. But one of the reasons I’m bringing up this episode in particular is because of the confession scene. For one, it’s a rare bit of emotional honesty from Dean and for two, it tells me that while he and Cas may be well aware of the thing between them, it’s still uncharted waters. Makes sense, too, there’s been A LOT going on since s6.  Anyway, he’s the full confession, so we can put a pin on it:

You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. [...]  Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time. [...]  Yeah, I’m just starting to think that… maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.

Do you ever see a character having an epiphany and find yourself wanting to cry because this is it right here. Dean is just blatantly admitting he wants more, which all culminates in season 11, so...

Season 11: The pining is still here, but it’s worse now since it’s the whole plot? It’s been *checks calendar* 5 years of this. How are any of us still kicking I don’t know. Your slow burns could never. Cool worth noting points: Cas says yes to Luci (bad decision #2.5, lots of mitigating effects_I don’t actually hold it against him that much but Dean is another story & not entirely rational at this point); for the first time since the early days, Dean and Cas are on equal grounds: they’ve both fucked up a lot and have hurt each other. The issues this season are outside their dynamic. Amara and Lucifer here serve as externalizing forces for Dean and Cas’s problems and by the end of the season we’re getting a clean slate. We’re also getting a new showrunner, so. No wonder. What this season does that is also super important is that it sets up the stage for the possibility of an actual relationship between Dean and Cas, something that has, up until this point, been pretty much impossible. 

11.04 Baby: Y’all know what I’m about to quote here, right? The convo between Dean and Sam about having something with someone who understands the life. Here we still have Dean reverting to the idea that it’s impossible, which is a direct contrast to the openness in 10.16. It’s understandable, though, considering there’s been little reason to think anything like that would be possible (see all the mess and poor timing from seasons past). The quote in question, though, marks a continuing development in on of the things Dean is struggling with this season:

DEAN: Piper? That's awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we're lucky we still get that at all.  SAM: Really? You don't . . . Ever want something more? DEAN: I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

Compare this exchange with what we get from 11.11 and 11.19:

11.11 Into the Mystic: I’m bringing this episode as a crossreference to 10.16 and to show again that for all the closeness between Dean and Cas there’s still a marked distance they haven’t yet bridged. Thanks Mildred for the delicious exposition:

Darlin'...If there's one thing I've learned in all my years on the road, it's when somebody's pining for somebody else. [...]  Oh, don't try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

11.19 The Chitters: Continuing our trek regarding Dean wanting certain things we have this gift of an episode with Jesse and Cesar, and this exchange:

Dean: [with realization] Oh, so … [points back and forth to Jesse and Cesar] Cesar: Yeah. Dean: Okay, that’s… Cesar puts his beer bottle on the table and looks at Dean, while Jesse is being silent. Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter? Cesar: Smelly, dirty. [turns to Jesse] Twice the worrying about getting ganked.

I’d like to point out, too that the fear of getting ganked is thematic when it comes to the tension between Dean and Cas. More on this when we hit s13. 

Alright, now having said that, let’s take a look at season 12. Bear in mind, this is the official start of Dabb’s era, even if he kinda began taking over in 11, and the change in vibes is obvious. In fact, 12 jumped out at me as a turning point in retrospect, after getting smacked by the domesticity of 13 and 14. Under the cut because I can’t shut up, and things are long enough as is. 

Season 12:  Finally, the promise land, y’all. So, what s11 was for Dean in terms of setting up the relationship stage, s12 was for Cas. In its initial beats, any way. Important to keep in mind that until the Kelly debacle, this was the longest Cas has been around the bunker. Things seem remarkably chill. Of course, we’ll notice that there’s still a lot of baggage hanging around because despite Dean and Cas being in a more stable place, they haven’t actually dealt with their interpersonal problems. I didn’t single out directly this episode, but do keep in mind Cas’s declaration in 12.09 First Blood as far as how much the Winchesters matter to Cas & how we also see Dean and Cas be particularly singled out with them seating together in the backseat of the Impala. 

12.10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: This episode, oh my god, the goodness. In the wake of 12.09 we have Dean and Cas in a tiff because Cas mistake #3 (killing Billie and “cosmic consequences”), this is a pattern. Twice the worry of getting ganked, etc etc. But where this episode really shines is through the contrast between Ishim’s obsession with Lily and Cas & Dean’s mutual affection for each other. Ishim sees no difference here and, to him, Cas’s feelings for Dean are a human weakness. Returning to my point about human!Cas, this episode underscores that Cas’s increasing humanity is what puts him in the place where he can want what Dean wants instead of either being too alien to get it (see s4 & 5) or unable to experience it properly (Ishim). 

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You): Cas’s trajectory culminates here with the whole I love you (@ Dean), I love all of you (@ Winchesters). Let’s note too that Cas is dying here, in a way that is much more human than going up in light. This declaration of different types of love is entirely human. It’s also a definitive step wrt to Cas and Dean’s relationship because of what happens in 12.19. This. is. it.

Offscreen happenings: Mixtape, how Cas knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow. This is hella suspicious. 

12.19 The Future: This episode changes everything, y’all (bobo and meredith, folks, bobo and meredith ksjdhfakjshlfksd). Consider watching this episode again and pay attention to some weird things: 1. Dean’s reaction to Cas going awol. Compare it to Sam’s, who is like whoa Dean chill. Now, thought experiment, imagine something happened between Dean and Cas, and then just radio silence from Cas. Imagine how Dean would react with getting ghosted by Cas specifically after something happened between them.  2. Cas comes back to the bunker with the specific goal of stealing the Colt, which he already knew was under Dean’s pillow -- something Sam didn’t even know.  3. “He came into my room and he played me.” So, this quote right there, makes it seem like some seduction for personal gain, right? But Cas clearly knew where the Colt was already, which means something happened before  Cas came back to the bunker. Cas played Dean in seeming to have reconsidered not working with Sam and Dean wrt Kelly. This is still a point of drama, but it leads somewhere else (see s13 & s15). 4. WHEN DID DEAN GIVE CAS THAT MIXTAPE OMG 5. Dean and Cas’s brief convo in Dean’s room is clearly Dean just wanting Cas to stay, so they can work (and be) together -- because they’re better that way. Which, yeah, truth. 

Sequence of events: Cas tells Dean he loves him -- Dean is clearly shook by it -- Dean gives Cas a mixtape (romantic gesture, often a declaration of feelings; in true Dean speak too lolsobs) -- Cas somehow knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow -- ???? -- Cas goes awol -- Dean acts like he got ghosted by his partner.

Like. Y’all realize they probably had some emotionally constipated getting together moment, right? Something that Dean clearly initially thought meant things were gonna change, now. Something that Cas couldn’t allow to happen until he could give Dean a win. Y’all are seeing this, yeah? I’m not saying they slept together and were full of feelings, except that’s kind of what I’m saying. But ymmv, there are other possibilities beyond sex. The full of feelings isn’t up for debate, though, even if the whole thing is informed by ridiculous amounts of miscommunication. 

Ok, maybe the narrative is still too subtle (?????), but as I said before, looking at 12 with the knowledge of 13 and 14 does offer a new perspective because of the difference in dynamic between Dean and Cas. I know lots of people look at 14, mainly, as having dialed back on the destiel side of things, but I always thought that was a strange take. Largely because they’re so domestic and their dynamic, ie, the lack of tension, reads like an established relationship. It’s a different kind of beast than we have been used to so far, so it does look alien on screen, especially since we “skipped” the conventional getting together cue that would let us change gears. Let’s take a look at 13 and 14, then.

Season 13: Ah, yes, the season of shit gets domestic. The pining? Gone? What? Deancas now reading like an established couple? It’s more likely than you think.

13.1-13.5: Dean’s grief mini-arc. Dude’s acting like a widower. We all know this. I want to gesture towards the reunion moment though with “it’s never too late to start all over again.” To. Start. All. Over. Again. I’m just saying. 

13.6 Tombstone: hi this episode is pure love and Dean is so happy his sweetheart is back from the dead? He’s even ok being Jack’s third dad now? What a time to be alive. Also? apparently Dean and Cas were just having movie night together? Dates? Mutual Pining dates prior to shit going to hell in 12? Do you ever cry? What else are they getting up to offscreen? What else will they get up to off screen? MUCH TO THINK ABOUT. 

Season 14: MORE DOMESTICITY. With some pining because Michael. But...heart eyes when Dean comes back? Watch that scene again with Dean going off to shower. Suspicious. But then shit hits the fan and we’re all sad again. boo. 

14.15 Peace of Mind: Look me in the eye and tell me Dean and Cas talking in the kitchen about Jack doesn’t read like husbands talking about their child. Look me in the eye and tell me Cas just texting Dean to gossip about Sam isn’t coupley asf. 

14.18-14.20: Ah, yes, the divorce arc. Awful. Terrible. The culmination of Dean’s problem in all this: he lashes out, he pushes Cas away, his anger is alienating. Cue all of us suffering. But while Dean is clearly in the wrong in how the deals with his feelings, let’s not pretend some of his anger doesn’t come from a long established issue between him and Cas, which had its last traumatic turn when Cas died in s12. Dean isn’t being rational here; he saw Cas doing something on his own, and he saw that his mother is dead. What else could happen? Why won’t Cas just trust they can work as a team? Divorce arc was entirely too literal. 

But what about what we’re building up in 15? That seems like it could be a getting together plot, too, right? Well, yeah. It could very well be. But I’d argue the tension we’re seeing isn’t a will they or won’t they because they already have. The tension is instead will they or won’t they use their words to talk about the baggage that has kept them from truly being confident about their relationship. There’s a crucial step in their togetherness that they’re still missing, which is also the bedrock of the divorce arc that spanned TWELVE FRIGGIN’ EPISODES. Y’all. Y’all that’s half a season. And we’re not even entirely done with it yet because Dean was cut short in purgatory, and they haven’t dealt with Cas’s side of blame in this mess yet either -- that Cas keeps going off on his own and getting hurt (and getting other people hurt), and Dean has to deal with the fallout. The deep emotional understanding, the truly being on the same page is what we’re on the edge of our seats for. And, you know, that’s a whole lot more exciting than witnessing their for realsies first kiss. I’m also confident Dabb & co will deliver the conclusion to this emotional arc and it will be a whole mess of feelings on all our parts. 

For the moment, though, it’s looking a lot like Dean and Cas had a rocky start to their ~involvement, then DEATH, then they got together feat. sweet sweet domestic fluff, then DIVORCE. So, yeah. Season 12, guys; it’s where it’s at. 

As for the more performative aspect of Dean and Cas’s relationship…that’s a whole other thing and all I can say is they got the green light for something, but I don’t know what it is and it’s driving me bananas, but it’s definitely something and we can talk about that, too. Place your bets, etc.  I’m clowning on the “I love you” pay off because it’s a glaring missing piece in this whole story. See also: holding hands? Carving Cas’s initials on the table? Saileen endgame parallels? All supported by the narrative. Like a lot. So. *finger guns*

[mittensmorgul]

Welcome to today’s installment of The TNT Loop Is Specifically Attempting to Murder Mittens: an ongoing saga.

In today’s torment, we have 8.05, Blood Brother. I recently wrote something about Dean possibly considering his time in Purgatory during his current Identity Crisis in s15 as something he can feel was truly “pure,” as he’d said back in s8-- as a place where God wouldn’t have controlled their actions and choices, and yet he CHOSE to stay and try to save Cas, but also, Cas CHOSE to stay behind (because that was something Dean REALLY struggled with in early s8, the fact that Cas could just abandon him this way-- not only because Cas’s personal burden of guilt was so heavy he didn’t feel like he deserved to be saved from that place, and because he truly believed that Dean would be better off without him if he returned to Sam... and isn’t THAT all just the reflection of their current issues and suffering?).

But there’s a few specific lines/situations in this episode-- two episodes before Cas will be rescued from Purgatory and used against his will as a sort of brainwashed sleeper agent for Heaven. The horrifying themes of “what is real” and “what of all of this is my CHOICE versus what we are being manipulated into” seem INCREDIBLY relevant to the current canon situation in s15.

I’m incredibly tempted to suggest that everyone try to watch this episode before 15.04 airs this week, or at least take a gander at the transcript and refresh your memories about this particular bit of pain. Recall that 

Sam was also suffering the loss of a woman he’d loved in this part of s8 (and he’s just lost Rowena in s15, when his relationship with Amelia was always hinted at with an element of ~unreality~ and Sam using her to run away from his own reality, while his relationship with Rowena has always been coded with him EMBRACING himself and his reality) 

Kevin was out there doing ~mysterious prophety things~ attempting to decipher the tablet to close the gates of Hell (and in s15 Kevin’s soul is wandering the Earth while they’ve attempted to seal up the rift into Hell... what part will he again play by the end?)

Dean is absolutely CONVINCED of his grip on reality, believing his choices are his own and helps Benny come to terms with that... (despite us knowing that Benny never really does feel that he “fits” back on Earth and will eventually choose to stay in Purgatory by 8.19, and Dean is now on the other end of this conundrum in s15...)

Once Cas does return in 8.07, as he confirms in 8.08, he’s actively running from Heaven, from his own guilt, from his own fears (in 8.08 he will say he’s afraid to see what he’d made of Heaven, afraid he would kill himself if he had to face it... this... was not a happy time for Cas, and he was being ACtIVELY controlled by Heaven on top of all that. Like Dean feels he’s being controlled by Chuck now...)

Okay, with that baseline info, I’d like to point to a few specific things in 8.05 for current canon relevance.

First off, since Benny will figure into a lot of the things I’ll be discussing in this post, I need to establish what Benny tells Dean about what it’s like to be turned into a vampire, and the “loyalty” to one’s maker that is supposed to bring with it. Benny... never quite fit into his nest, which had always frustrated his maker (Benny refers to him as “A jealous god” among other things). Benny wasn’t an obedient son, and actually had the willpower to abandon his nest FOR LOVE. For a HUMAN. A woman who would (after Benny’s death) be claimed by that “jealous god” and turned into a vampire. Andrea didn’t have the will that Benny did, and becoming a vampire had destroyed the humanity that he’d loved her for in the first place. He’d gone to hunt his old nest to avenge Andrea’s murder, only to find her hopeful that Benny would kill their master and free her to become the new “god” of their nest. Meanwhile Benny clung to every shred of his own humanity that he could, in 8.09 even inserting himself into his great granddaughter’s life (family first, right?). By the time Dean calls Benny in 8.19, asking him for the ultimate favor to save Sam from Purgatory, Benny’s lost everything he’d thought he would have. Sure, he destroyed his old nest and all the vampires that had made him, but he’d also accepted that he truly didn’t fit into the world anymore. And that was something he was struggling with even back in 8.05. So with that in mind, let’s explore this episode a little deeper.

This exchange hit me in the face like a mallet:

BENNY: It's weird being back – in the world, I mean. Isn't it? DEAN: Sure as hell is. BENNY: I mean, what do you do with it all? All the – all the everything? Hell, I don't even know if this world is real, if I'm real. DEAN: Hey, listen to me. I’ve seen what happens down that rabbit hole, okay? We're real. Benny, this is real. It's the only way to play this game, you get me?

This is EXACTLY the conversation Dean was attempting to have with Cas in 15.02. Except Dean? He’s constructed his ENTIRE IDENTITY on this belief. This is is, to use his own words to Sam in 7.02, Dean’s “stone number one” that he built his entire identity on. This is his foundation, and in 14.20, Chuck shattered it.

Dean tells Benny he’s seen what happens down that rabbit hole, but Dean had never allowed himself to EXPERIENCE IT. He’s watched SAM go down that rabbit hole, he’d been that “stone one” for Sam. From 7.02:

Dean: I am your flesh-and-blood brother, okay? I'm the only one who can legitimately kick your ass in real time. You got away. We got you out, Sammy. Believe in that. Believe me, okay? You gotta believe me. You've gotta make it stone number one and build on it.

But Dean himself has never had his entire grip on reality shattered to the degree that 14.20 shattered him, and he has ZERO coping skills to apply to himself in this case. HE had always been his own Stone Number One, and Chuck took that from him. Chuck took CAS from him, too, because Chuck had given Cas to him in the first place. NOTHING is real to him right now. Just as nothing felt real to Benny after all his own ties to the world had been cut in s8.

For YEARS, Dean has been everyone else’s stone, but right now he’s a few handfuls of sand on the shore of a vast ocean determined to wash him away to nothingness. He’s failed in every respect, and there’s nothing to hold on to at all.

During the course of 8.05, Benny learns the truth of what happened versus what he’d always believed happened. Andrea hadn’t been killed by his nest, she’d been assimilated by them. His perceptions and understanding had been wrong, and the woman he’d pined for the entire time he’d been in Purgatory had been changed into something he didn’t even recognize anymore.

DEAN (on phone): I'm not alone, damn it. All right? I'm not alone. I've got backup – guy who's been tracking the nest for a while. SAM (on phone): What guy? Garth? DEAN (on phone): What? No. You don't know him. He's a friend. SAM (on phone): A friend? Dean, you don't have any – all your friends are dead. DEAN (on phone): That's not what I called to talk about!

LOL all Dean’s friends are dead... Like Benny, who’s a vampire, so... dead, technically...

BENNY: Andrea, what happened? The old man said he was gonna bleed you dry. ANDREA: I don't know. He changed his mind. I blacked out. When I woke up, I was drinking from his wrist. BENNY: I'm sorry. All this is because of me. I'm sorry. ANDREA: No. It's not your fault. You never hid anything from me, Benny. I chose you. BENNY: But why'd you stay... with them, with him? Why? ANDREA: You remember what it's like at first. First, everything resets. Life is blood. That's all. And whoever gives it to you – BENNY: I know. It's complicated. Every damn thing is complicated. ANDREA takes a large clasp knife from her waistband and holds it out to BENNY. ANDREA: It doesn't have to be. BENNY: Andrea. ANDREA: Benny, I can't kill him... [she tucks the knife into his jacket] ...none of us can. But you – you came back from the grave. You're proof that he's not all-powerful, that he's not God. He's scared of you, Benny – I know it.

What is choice, and what is about control, and circumstances beyond control. What power do we really have to choose for ourselves when circumstances affect us to this degree?

Meanwhile in Dean’s conversation with Sam, there’s so much hidden, so much each doesn’t understand about the other’s current situation partly because they’re both refusing to talk about these issues. Dean is refusing to talk about how painful the loss of Cas in his life is, or why he’s befriended a vampire (because Benny voluntarily saved Cas’s life in Purgatory despite his serious reservations about Dean’s attachment to Cas). Dean can’t talk about ANY of this because it’s just too painful to accept that Cas CHOSE to stay behind, without him).

and Meanwhile Meanwhile, with Sam, he’d spent the entire previous year living with the belief that Dean (and Cas) was already lost to him. Until Dean came back and dragged him out of his escapist fantasy life he’d built with Amelia. But that life had already shattered for Sam when Amelia’s husband was found alive, too. So... Sam knew even before Dean came back that Amelia wasn’t really his, and that Dean’s return wasn’t really the only thing standing between him and that “normal fantasy life.”  But it will take a long time for them both to fully understand and accept the whole entire truth of everything. Just like it’s gonna be a long painful slog through s15 before Dean and Cas are able to face the whole entire truth of what the other’s experience and emotions are.

And another interesting comment from Benny’s “god” figure:

BENNY: Why didn't you let her die? She meant nothing to you. BENNY’S MAKER: But she meant everything to you. If that's all I could salvage from my wayward son – the woman he defied his maker for – I wanted someone to remember you by.

Chuck’s now out for “revenge” against his “wayward sons,” yes? Let’s see how that goes for him.

And in Purgatory, we have the scene that leads up to Benny’s CHOICE to save Cas, against his own better judgment:

BENNY: Look, all I'm saying is I started seeing something in humanity, okay? Something that shouldn't be taken. I drink blood. I don't drink people. DEAN: And why the hell should I believe you? BENNY: What does it matter what you believe? You got your head so far up your ass, Dean, you don't even realize we're already done for. The angel knows it. We are never gonna make it with him next to us glowing like a beacon. DEAN: Do I need to remind you of our deal? Of what you committed to? BENNY: He is gonna get us killed. CASTIEL: We may get to test that theory. DEAN: More monsters? CASTIEL: Leviathan. DEAN: Why don't you blip out of here? CASTIEL: They're too close. I can't. Run.

Dean CHOSE to keep Cas close, WANTED him close, despite the risk to both him and Benny (the one being in this land of abominations who holds the key to Dean’s escape). And Benny started seeing something in Humanity. Which has been Cas’s deal since... forever... right? He saw something worth saving in humanity (and in Dean), and staked his EVERYTHING on it. Like Benny does staking HIS everything on Dean and their agreement.

Which makes Dean’s shattering in s15, after Cas had made his relationship with Dean his PRIMARY FEAR, and also the thing he struggled the hardest to maintain, to secure his place in Dean’s “family.”

(I know who you love, what you fear)

And this is why Dean shattering in s15 has also shattered Cas.

BENNY: You just gonna sit there? BENNY’S MAKER: You're right. I've been here so, so long, Benny, seen all the outcomes, all the patterns a trillion times. It all means so little. This universe is a pyramid of despair, nothing else. BENNY: A little dark. BENNY’S MAKER: I am evil, after all. At least I've had that much to keep me cold at night. You never had that, did you? Everything had to be thought about, considered. BENNY: You know what Socrates said about a life unconsidered. BENNY’S MAKER: Yes. But what we have in us? Benny, that's not life. That's what you still don't get. That's why it's always been so hard for you, my poor Benjamin. [...] BENNY’S MAKER: This is the one last thing I can take from you. BENNY: No. You try, damn it. You try and kill me again. BENNY’S MAKER: This is my story, you gnat. BENNY: Get up! BENNY’S MAKER: It ends the way I choose, not you. [BENNY hauls BENNY’S MAKER to his feet.] BENNY: Well, at least I can finally show you something new, old man. A whole new... [he flips open the large clasp knife ANDREA gave him] ...world.

And Benny kills him. So whose story was this, really? Who was making the choices? What’s even real?

While I was typing this up, 8.06, and now 8.07 have also played in the background. 8.06 entirely about the things left unsaid turning toxic, like a literal specter that festers away and breaks down relationships. I’ll sum up the takeaway from this by first quoting Garth’s line to Dean at the end of the episode. Garth, who was unaffected by the specter who fueled itself on vengeance, who has become a symbol in canon of “letting baggage go” because of this:

Garth:  Stop being a idjit! With Bobby dead, you and Sam are all each other has. And that's not so bad, man.

Yes, Dean thinks, and knows. Yes, it is bad. It wasn’t enough back then, and it’s absolutely not enough now. Which Sam proves to him in their very next non-conversation. Because Sam is so not telling the whole truth, even though he claims the moral high ground over Dean and his friendship with Benny. Sam is just... not affected by Cas’s loss the way Dean was. And is. And will be in the next run of s15. And Sam was not honest yet about his OWN loss of Amelia and everything she represented to him, which I hope will be different in s15 regarding his loss of Rowena. Because she, at least, was REAL to him. And Sam’s current issue isn’t a shattering of his entire sense of self, and his own attachment to reality as a concrete concept the way it is for Dean right now.

I’d continue yammering on about 8.07, and Dean’s reaction to getting Cas back (and his concern that Cas isn’t “all back,” and that something larger is at work here that he doesn’t yet understand), but this post is already way too long... >.>

[dotthings]

WHOA SPN THAT WAS SO MUCH so this got a little along. 

Oh the callbacks in the episode. So many. Starting with Pamela freakin’ Barnes to put is in a S4 mindset. She was delightful as always, I’m sorry this is a one-off and only in Dean’s mind but she’s still a wonderful character.

So...the place Michael tucks Dean away in to keep him calm, living the dream, is a bar, like Harvelles, and they still hunt, but Dean mostly runs the bar, Sam and Cas are on a hunt, and Dean seems into running this place of solace for people with a jukebox and pool table and beer. I think this is drawn from some authentic piece of Dean’s dreams of retirement, it’s not sand-between-the-toes, but it does seem to fit with what Dean might want. It’s not a real memory and it’s not fully authentic though because Michael constructs it to keep Dean placated but it’s all built from material inside Dean’s mind. Michael gave Dean a version of his contentment and it’s inside the hunting world. Which...haven’t a lot of us been talking about this, not the either/or, that they don’t have to entirely quit the life to find a life within the life. This fit into that theme. 

Pamela and Dean’s banter was fun and oh, that little exchange “You don’t want me, you just like to flirt. I’m a psychic. I know these things.” She’s constructed from Dean’s memories. Dean controls everything there. Dean’s own brain is trying to tell him something. This fits realllly well with a bi-Dean reading. And endgame Destiel. He likes to flirt and he’ll flirt with both genders but what does he really want in the end. Just throwing that out there. And let’s think for a moment how Dean’s mind created subtext that suits a bi Dean and Destiel endgame read.

“We have shifts now because you mess up so, so many things.” I LOLed.

Interesting there’s a callback to Gadreel not Lucifer for Sam relating one of his past possessions experiences to this. Given the themes Michael uses to taunt Sam and Cas and Jack with, Gadreel is a callback to a storyline that was about Dean crossing a line to save Sam, a story about Dean as a caretaker, saving a family member. 

Jack’s belief in Dean. My heart. This following on his early S14 tactless comments, followed by his confession about why he felt so desperate to stop Michael and he and Dean relating to each other’s sense of self-blame and desperation. That was mostly resolved, between them, but in terms of the ongoing story, seeing the extent Jack believes in Dean, this is advancing. 

“Dean. He’s strong. You don’t know anything about Dean.” I’m bolding for a reason--instance #1 of Dean’s family calling him strong.

And then, instance #1 of of Michael trying to demoralize and undermine. “You’re not Sam, you’re not Cas. You’re a new burden he was handed.” Taunting Jack with not being cared for, with being unwanted, by Dean, that it was forced on him. There was some tension on that in S13 initially. By season 14, with the development of the arcs, Dean chose this, but Jack is afraid he didn’t. Jack may also be carrying similar fears or guilt about Sam and Cas, given the origins and history. 

So the source of Cas’s death-glare in the promo was Michael taunting Cas about God, suggesting that Chuck just gives up on one world, and moves onto the next and that’s why there are so many AU’s. It might be true. Cas seems really outraged about it and is probably scared it is true. We’re maybe not done with Cas’s daddy issues, his faith or lack thereof in his Father.

Jensen and Misha were spectacular playing off each other in this scene and their whole dynamic transformed because Dean isn’t Dean, same as in S4, their dynamic transformed when Misha was playing Jimmy not Cas, which gets into a whole thing about how they inhabit Dean and Cas and have to switch off certain switches of their innate chemistry and find different switches instead to do this and I’m rambling, I’m having a Jensen and Misha as acting team moment here.

Then Michael aims  taunting #2 . “Look at you. Playing nursemaid to a nephilim. Nothing like the Castiel I knew. He would’ve never been so anemic.”

Cas’s answer “You’re confusing loyalty and compassion with weakness.”

Cas with all the growth and character development isn’t weak. His vulnerabilities are part of what makes him a whole character. I’m glad Cas sees himself this way too, he’s more than one thing.

Did Jack...just offer up a little piece of his soul for Dean? Oh ok. I’m fine. *hoists flag of surrender* I’ll just stop even trying not to have feelings about that. 

Then we’re in Dean’s mind.

*internal screaming*

I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS. I was really excited for the premise of this ep and wanted this but I was not read for...this.

Lots of recognizable sound bytes but “You’re gonna die and this is what you’re going to become” jumped out at me.

*shrieking*

Yeah so. Uh. This is the point in the episode where I started crying. 

And then Cas starts sensing out the void and says “So much trauma in Dean’s mind. So many scars” and that didn’t help me stop crying at all. The mere fact of Cas, surrounded by Dean’s mindspace and surrounded by Dean’s traumatic memories, witnessing this, I need to lie down and stare the ceiling and have feelings. BRB. 

When Cas touched Dean’s soul in Hell, and pulled him out, and put his soul back into his body, he maybe didn’t go in that deep, seeing Dean’s memories and all of that. 

And Sam isn’t that shook. “Dean’s strong,” Sam says. There’s the 2nd instance of that phrase about Dean. Sam knows Dean’s been through a lot. He’s not getting what Cas is getting at yet, why Cas is so shook, and I think it’s part Cas hasn’t witnessed it in quite this way yet and part it’s that Cas has already figured out the extent of exactly what Michael’s doing inside Dean’s head and Sam hasn’t.

Oh and hey, speaking of callbacks, since the ep firmly planted us in season four-ville, remember when Sam thought Dean was too weak and so he had to step up and drink demon blood, to make sure Dean was never torn to pieces ever again. Not that Sam managed to prevent that. So much has happened and now this Sam, sees Dean as strong.

“You’ve both been through a lot, and Dean is more than strong.” The 3rd instance, this time from Cas.

With a variation now. 

Dean is more than strong.

Dean is more than strong.

My heart’s gonna explode into little rainbows. That’s how Cas, specifically, sees Dean. Jack sees Dean as strong. Sam sees Dean as strong. Cas sees Dean as more than strong.

This is Dean through Cas’s eyes. This is Cas who in S10 looked at Dean, who said "I’m not any kind of a role model” and looked so sad and insisted “that’s not true.” Because he does know Dean and what Dean has gone through and remember he saw Dean in Hell.

*flaily hands* this is SO MUCH. BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE.

MICHAEL DROWNED DEAN IN HIS OWN TRAUMA. 

*rocks back and forth*

Trauma wasn’t enough the first time though. Dean kept kicking and fighting. Squirming. Because “Dean thrives on trauma.” Sam does, in fact get his brother quite well. It keeps Dean awake and aware and fighting to go home. Cas then raises the concept of “contentment” being where they will find Dean instead of the trauma this time because that’s a fresher concept for Dean and therefore more potent in keeping him docile. JUST STAB ME. 

“The people in your real life. We need you to come back.” 

HOW ABOUT IF I JUST SIT HERE QUIETLY SOBBING FOR A FEW MINUTES BEFORE I KEEP TYPING DOES THAT WORK FOR EVERYONE. 

Cas. Cas baby, you got all the way to a “we need you.” Brave little toaster, you’re halfway to an “I” statement. Baby steps. 

Another great callback, Sam using “Poughkeepsie.” Cas’s lack of an “I” statement plea about how much he’s needed, Dean just scoffs a little, but Sam reaches for a very personal code word, so it’s a virtual “I” statement, between him and his brother, and that’s what breaks Dean free of the loop. Gotta use the “I” statements. It needed to be more personal and Cas is still not able to articulate what he needed to in order to break through that. S8 Cas is very lucky Dean is good with using the “I” statement, progressing from “We need you...I need you” and broke through the brainwashing.

Michael, the biggest anti-TFW stan to ever anti-stan, then spills 2 more instance of demoralization, by voicing the most negative fears of what Sam and Cas are to Dean. He mocks Cas’s iconic introductory line and taunts him that all he’s done since then is make mistakes (Michael’s an anti-Cas stan...an anti-Jack stan...an anti-Sam stan)...and then Michael starts in on Sam, taunting with how happy Dean was when Sam left Dean to hunt alone with John.

"They’re you’re responsibilities. They’re a weight around your neck.”

This is cutting deep. This isn’t to demoralize Dean, this is to get Sam and Cas to give up. Michael’s using things that are rooted in some darker fears, and maybe some things that should be addressed about the familial dynamics but they aren’t truth-truths. Dean has carried so much on his shoulders. But none of Michael’s tauntingly demoralizing statements are truth about how Dean feels about Jack or Sam or Cas. (Small fandom side note, I can just imagine various extremes in the fandom using Michael’s taunts to hoist their own anti flags as if canon just verified their viewpoints when Michael is deadass the villain and the words meant to hurt and not what Dean actually feels and if you use it for one you don’t like, another exists aimed at your faves too. Oh it’s diabolical).

I said before the ep aired that Michael would be worse than Lucifer when he taunts because Lucifer is a raspberry blowing asshole child, while Michael knows how to do surgical strikes. And Michael is quietly vicious wow.

Side note into Jack using his powers at extreme need but it eats a tiny piece of his soul. Which isn’t exactly what I expected. I thought they might have him be able to start, a little, tapping into the powers at extreme need and it being adrenaline based, like early Sam’s powers. Or think Luke in the cave on Hoth. Returning gradually. But this is Jack purposefully burning up a little piece of his soul to do it and...this is not going to end well. This is not good. Let’s not head for soulless Jack. Can we not do that please. I’m just starting to get attached to him, he’s already died once, come on.

Sam, Dean, and Cas working in concert to trap Michael together in the storage room. HELL YES THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL THIS IS WHAT I WANTED.

Dean’s “I got him” -- that sound you heard is me screaming for 8 million years because Swan Song callback, flipped from Sam to Dean. I got him.

“I’m the cage.”

Ok no one has said that before. It is a slight callback to S6 Great Wall of Sam and gee that’s not going to hold forever. This is not good.

Oh crap, Billie. Oh crap what is happening. What does this mean, no no no. Please tell me this isn’t going to have to be Dean sacrificing himself to save the world from himself possessed by Michael burning the world.

I really needed Sam, Dean, and Cas to talk about some of the stuff that went on while they were in Dean’s mind but I’m really happy (destroyed) by this ep. I did have some high expectations for it but wasn’t sure how high to set them, but this journey into Dean’s head went to some emotional spots I really needed it to go to and I think moves their arcs, together, forward...Sam and Cas witnessing all that. Seeing how much Sam and Cas each in different ways understand Dean. How Sam, Dean, and Jack all think so highly of him. *cries* Showing how far they’ve come.

OK THANKS FOR DROWNING ME IN DEAN TRAUMA YOCKEY

[ruinedsam]

Thanks for you answer! I agree with everything you said, but I also think there is a shift in their relationship in their brother marriage era and that’s what I struggle to really put my finger on.

So on the one side, Dean seems to definitely trust Sam more and to allow him more power than he did s4-s10. There was always something that made Sam untrustworthy in Dean's eyes: in s4 the demon blood and his relationship to Ruby, in s5 his supposed inherent corruptibilty, in s6 his lack of soul and then his wall, in s7 his trauma, in s8 his supposed betrayal/disloyalty, in s9 his trials illness/possession/what Dean choses to interpret as lack of love and commitment to him but is actually respect, in s10 whatever I wiped most of it from my mind. But this is all in the past. In Dean's eyes there is no glaring character defect within Sam anymore past s10.

And we see that trust Sam: with the BMOL he trusts Sam’s judgement even if he thinks they are full of shit and doesn’t blame him when things go to hell. He trusts Sam to be a leader in s14. He does eventually listen to Sam and agrees to take Jack with them on a case in 13x4 or sth. When he wants to put Jack in the box, he says they both need to be on the same page. He lets Sam talk him out of getting in the malaik box as well as sacrificing Jack. In the end a lot of the important decision are on Sam.

However. None of these things, except maybe with the bmol, are a case of Dean respecting and trusting Sam’s judgement the way he did in say s1. Dean only humors Sam when he first takes Jack with on a case and while he eventually sees that Jack is not inherently evil, it’s because Jack proved himself in Dean’s eyes, Sam’s judgement alone wasn’t enough. Sam only agrees to put Jack in the box because Dean has been pressuring him all day, if I remember correctly (I only watched 14x19 once and I will never ever do it again). Dean ignores Sam’s arguments and concern both with the malaik box and sacrificing Jack, only giving in when Sam has basically an emotional breakdown and guilts him into changing his mind.

Clearly there is no actual equality here. No healthy mutual trust. Sam never goes back to confronting Dean about anything and Dean never goes back to unquestioningly trusting Sam like they did in early seasons. It feels like there is this pretense of equality and power sharing going on in the Dabb era that might superficially give the impression things are more healthy between Sam and Dean. (Which I think is the result of Dabb wanting to dial down both the brother angst and the brother weirdness but that’s not the point here.) In a way this is actually more insidious because their fucked-upness is less apparent than in mid seasons in which Dean was very obviously and overtly emotionally abusing Sam.

But. I also don’t think Sam has 0% power. It’s not as clear-cut as Dean has all the power and Sam has none to me. I think Dean does trust Sam more than he did mid seasons. And Sam can get Dean to change his mind and do what Sam wants. It’s just not a matter of trust or respect – Sam has to weaponize his and Dean’s relationship, challenging the core of Dean’s nature, what really makes him who he is, namely his love and commitment to Sam (Why don’t you believe in us?/Would you trade me too?) to do so.

I keep wondering: to what degree is Sam aware of this? Are these two instances calculation or just pure desperation? Would this still work if Sam did it more often? Would Sam exercise more power in this relationship if he realized he had the ability to do so?

And that’s what I keep changing my mind about basically depending on my mood...

Don't feel pressured to answer this soon, I know you still have a bunch of asks from yesterday :) It's just that I read meta I wrote some time ago and found myself disagreeing with my past self. I really keep changing my mind about the way I view Sam and Dean's relationship in late seasons, about how equal it is and especially how much power Sam has in this relationship, so I was interested to hear your thoughts on this 👀

The only way I know to explain the equality, if any, in their relationship is through comparisons between S1-S2 and pretty much any season from 8 onwards

S1 Dean treats Sam like a person and genuinely feels for and with his brother: blame me for Jessica's death, clock me one for not trusting you earlier, you can't blame yourself for what happened, you're not evil, I won't kill you- screw dad and his last wishes etc etc

• S5 Dean takes a slight shift and goes against the "You're not evil" statement by saying to Sam's face that he's one of the things that they hunt- the notable first step to his attitude change

Result: Sam goes ahead with his plan to make his brother proud (of him and his powers) and fails

• S8 Dean goes against the "you can't blame yourself" statement by blaming him for not looking for him in purgatory, blaming for trying to leave hunting, for settling down with a girl and whatnot

Result: Sam takes everything hurled at him quietly with barely two words of argument. Towards the end, he's violently suicidal because he thinks he let Dean down

• S9 Dean tricks Sam into posession and lies and lies about it for months probably and when Sam does find out, there's no guilt or even a mumbled apology from Dean. He thinks he's right

Result: Sam backs away and distances himself but eventually is pulled back in because Dean took on the mark and the season ends with Sam forced to set his justified anger aside

I could go on about how the situation just worsens with every season but do you see a pattern yet?

He goes from "I'll make Dean proud" to "I let Dean down" to "Dean died because of me" (you can't tell me Sam doesn't blame himself for Dean's S9 death because Dean literally said "I thought you wouldn't do the same for me" before dying. That ought to fuel guilt)

When I talk about equals in any relationship I would want active involvement of both parties and mutual working out on conflicts. Not one shutting down while the other flares up (Sam and Dean respectively)

Post S7 Dean's word is always final- he even uses the word "dictatorship" for his decisions. At one point I remember him saying something along the lines of "I know you don't approve of this but that's the way it's gonna be" and his word is final

As the seasons progressed Sam has lesser and lesser say in their major plans and eventually it went down to zero

And when I think about Sam's power in their relationship, he didn't even have a say over what happens to his body (Gadreel posession) or his life (moc!dean makes the call to kill him and sam fights a little before dropping to his knees and letting it happen)

So are Sam and Dean equals? No. Not with the way Sam shuts down and Dean makes the decisions for him and pushes back on almost every one of Sam's advice

Does Sam hold any power? Not if it can be helped by Dean. A man who can't even have his own body to himself is not someone who'll be able to influence any decisions

[mamusings]

So if they both love each other why didn't they get together?

S4. Loads, really boatloads, of chemistry. If it's to believed this wasnt intended then let's say they were going for intensity and to the audience (or a section of it) it reads as UST. But theres wariness, potential for Dean and Cas to be on opposing sides. Cas chooses Dean over Heaven at the end

S5. Cas helps the brothers fight their destiny. Again with the UST but Dean also gets Lisa as a love interest and at the end buggers off with her as his happy end.

S6. Needless to say living w Lisa goes to shit. Sam has no soul. Cas is fighting a war in heaven but 'always comes when Dean calls.' Its profound bond season. Lots of angel.on love with you.

The final falling out over the purgatory soul plan with crowley reads like a very painful breakup when though we still get lisa as Dean's love interest there are lots of shots showing Dean hurt by Cas betrayal as he sees it. That seems to hit very personally for Dean and his final arguments to cas are very personal I'm asking you not to do this.

S7 God Cas. Opens with Cas seemingly dying. And vowing to make amends. Dean walks away from Lisa and Ben in final episodes of s6. For ages its unclear if his mood in early s7 is about loss of lisa or cas.

Emmanuel Cas, Dean and the trench coat. Cas takes on Sam's hallucinations. So now hes nuts. Cas playing sorry and Dean's speech to kevin about Angel's not having the equipment to care or if they do it breaks them. So theres w reasons for the not getting together. Initially cas is off his rocker and after that Dean thinks he broke him. Plus they have some serious issues re betrayal. But they work together, take leviathan down and it's off to purgatory.

S8 purgatory where the angel where is the angel. It's pure. Dean needs his buddy cas cas tryingbto protect Dean by staying away. Cas pretends to go along with Dean's leaving purgatory plan.

Once cas gets back we have Dean's guilt about leaving cas in purgatory and we have cas guilt about decimating heaven. Cas becoming a hunter. It's all v cute. But hes also under Naomi's control but dean leaves off the warning hoping he comes back to him. And when cas is about to close heaven there is regret in Dean's ET goes home as they watch cupid set up the gay couple. Hmm. Lots to suggest Dean is pretty loved up

Angel's fall

S9. Human Cas and hes dead. And then dean kicks him out and then Gas n Sip Cas. The moment with Dean looking at cas through the window seems like its utterly romantic longing. Cas is human and there nothing in the way, except sam. So no dice again.

Dean takes on the Mark, Cas ends up leading an army. Dean's hes a weird dorky little guy speech. This is so I cant believe I'm into such a dork territory. Cas gives up his army for Dean. Big parallel w cain and Colette also. Cas tries to take.on metatton anyway. Dean dies

S10 Demon dean, bathrobe cas I miss him. Dean under the influence of the mark. Dean beats up cas. Release the darkness

S11 amara. Dean's connection to her. Cas goes off the reservation ends.up as Lucifer s vessel. Dean prioritises getting cas back over beating lucifer. It's not an it Sam, its Cas. Gay hunter couple, pining pining pining. Cas I'll go with you to die, Dean's no but look after sam.

Mary winchester return

S12 Mary knows. So now mary is Dean's main emotional interest- before this we haven't had a Dean on screen hook up in years...s.7 trying to get over God cas? Unless we count amara as a love interest and I'm not sure we should. Cos dean says it's not love...hmm..I never trust what he says tho.

Ends up with Dean and cas on different pages again because of kelly and jack. At the end cas dies

S13 5 whole episodes of Dean no coping. Various indicators that its cas death is of particular importance. The burial sequence and 'bring him back'

The the utter delight of tombstone cas is Dean's huckleberry. Then zippo tho. Although possibly I just got utterly bored.

S14 god they are married. This is solid couple territory. Worry about each other, warm loving eye contact. Not much else but they seem so solid. Dean tells John 'I have a family ' and sam that hea good with who he is. Then Mary dies and its divorce time. Cas is very upset and doesnt want to lose his family, Dean is really angry with Cas. Prior to this there is the deal with the empty which gives us a reason why cas wont press it. Its possible for Dean that he doesnt want to push for more than they have because hes afraid Angel's dont have the equipment to care and he might break him again.

S15 opening of Dean saying cas will go to help because hes been before is a really hard statement somehow. It's how you say really nasty things about something you know is precious to someone in a couple when you are really fighting.

Eventually cas leaves. He comes.baxk cos theres work to.do but the rift is clear until the apology prayer in purgatory.

That's as far as I've watched. Weird that this is so compelling.

[tinkdw]

Hello Tink, how are you doing? :) I was just watching old Destiel scenes, and I came across the confrontation scene from episode 4x22, and Cas says: "I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion..." Which makes me think, Cas can see these emotions and recognize them inside Dean, right? Which means, maybe he can see in later seasons the love Dean feels. The question would be, does Cas recognize this love is romantic and directed at him? I'd love to know your thoughts. :)

I think this is something lots of people throw ideas around on, so please do add to this as this is just my opinion if I’ve missed something!

For me, Cas doesn’t try to read Dean on purpose these days, he respects his privacy. However he clearly could if he wanted to and this was brought up to us on purpose when Ketch told Cas to read his mind and he did - something that seemed to make Dean a little uncomfortable may I add.

I think Cas does know Dean’s feelings up to a point but Deans feelings are COMPLICATED. They are a whole hoard of all over the place. The overriding point being that although he loves Cas he probably is desperately trying NOT to, to hide it and repress it even from himself, for his own reasons, of which the most prominent being that he doesn’t think he deserves love, he doesn’t think Cas is capable of loving him without breaking himself (that scene with Kevin in s8 is so important to show this, that Dean thinks loving him would break Cas, and then in 12x12 Cas says being with Dean has changed him and there he is - breaking and DYING in front of him, it just CONFIRMS this for Dean, no wonder he still won't say anything and just... is a MESS). Plus the whole “he’s a dude” thing. 

So well, this was the list of issues before season 12, it’s obviously changed now though over this season and there are so many less obstacles than there used to be in his mind after this season and 12x22′s culmination… hence why Cas had to die in 12x23 *sigh*.

Therefore I think Cas does kind of know, in a way, but it is so complicated that it is not clear (don’t forget that as an Angel his understanding of love is not simple and his emotions are also dulled, so sheesh how strong is his love for Dean given how blatant it is already how wrecked he is in s12…). I head canon that Cas only realised that his feelings towards Dean were LOVE when he himself became human in s9, and that was a whole heap of painful, so he may not think it is a good thing for Dean to love him back EITHER.

They both kind of know how the other feels, of course they do, they have to at this point, Dean knows what Cas did for him and how he did it all for him in the early days, how he has offered repeatedly to die with him so he wouldn't be alone... But they both think the other would be better off NOT loving them so they don’t bring it up, thinking it would be best for them if it just went away, but it DOESN’T because they freaking love each other despite EVERYTHING and URGH.

On top of this he needs Dean to address the issues within himself rather than forcing him to face them by just flat out telling him he knows, that would anger Dean and make him feel violated rather than it being a positive thing… Cas knows that Dean needs to deal with stuff within himself, HE KNOWS THAT 12x22 NEEDED TO HAPPEN YET HE DOESN’T KNOW IT HAS BECAUSE HE DIED IMMEDIATELY.

So it just is a big circle of love and pain and feeling rejection and always wanting to protect and have good things for the other while not fighting for it for themselves, even though precisely doing that would help the other…

Also, they’re a bit busy, apocalypses and all… ;)

[mittensmorgul]

Do you ever miss old Cas? Like I know his character development has been super important, and everything he's becoming has been all about who he truly is, and not an angel puppet. But sometimes I watch older episodes and I miss early Cas. I miss the "You should show me some respect," the "I'm not here to perch on your shoulder," and the "we had an appointment" kind of moments. Idk, I love Cas all around, but sometimes I miss his early mystery and badassery.

Hi there! And no, I don’t really miss “old Cas.” But I think the three examples you’ve chosen aren’t really similar at all. The first two are literally what you described as being “an angel puppet.” They’re both from the same conversation at the end of 4.02, when Cas’s only goal was to manipulate or threaten Dean into doing Heaven’s bidding. Because again, context matters. Folks throw these lines around a lot, but so often the larger surrounding meaning is just losing the larger point here:

DEAN: I thought angels were supposed to be guardians. Fluffy wings, halos -- you know, Michael Landon. Not dicks.CASTIEL : Read the Bible. Angels are warriors of God. I'm a soldier.DEAN: Yeah? Then, why didn't you fight?CASTIEL: I'm not here to perch on your shoulder. We had larger concerns.

and

CASTIEL: Three days ago, you thought there was no such thing as me. Why do you think we're here walking among you now for the first time in 2,000 years?DEAN: To stop Lucifer.CASTIEL: That's why we've arrived.DEAN: Well... bang-up job so far. Stellar work with the witnesses. That's nice.CASTIEL: We tried. And there are other battles, other seals. Some we'll win, some we'll lose. This one we lost. Our numbers are not unlimited. Six of my brothers died in the field this week. You think the armies of Heaven should just follow you around? There's a bigger picture here. You should show me some respect. I dragged you out of Hell. I can throw you back in.

This isn’t “badass Cas” here. It’s Cas not caring one whit about Dean, as long as Dean sticks to the mission. Dean is nothing more than a tool to Cas at this point. And he might not be self-aware enough to understand it yet, but Cas is equally a tool of Heaven at this point. There is literally nothing about either of those lines that I would wish on Cas again.

Now for the “We had an appointment,” from 5.04, that was Cas interfering with Zachariah and Heaven’s plans to save Dean, and was more of a moment of comic relief (and literal relief) that he’d saved Dean from Zachariah, you know? This was more than a year’s worth of character development removed from those quotes from 4.02.

But, this in mind, how is Cas any less badass NOW than he was back then? I just... don’t understand the complaint, I guess?

Granted, Cas spent the first several episodes of s13 being actively dead, so that really limits the amount of verbal badassery he was capable of at the time... but knowing all along that Cas would not only be “dead” for a few episodes, but that the entire purpose of this was for us to witness Dean’s specific struggle with his loss, I was more than happy to play along with the show. And because I didn’t let myself become bitter over these facts, 13.04 was one long, glorious Fuck You letter from Cas to his long-term struggle with depression.

(the post below this on my blog is actually a reply to someone asking about Billie’s line to Dean in 13.05, “I say live.” And I suggest that it applies equally to Cas vs the Empty Entity)

Castiel’s personal growth arc since the end of s6, including the majority of s7 while he was again literally dead, and then returned with no memories only to regain them to his own personal horror, has been about his guilt and penance for the things he did, for how badly he fucked up in s6. And then how much he struggled with putting any of that to rights.

I could pull a long series of out-of-context quotes that sound terribly Sassy Cassie, if that would make you feel better about any of this. I know there’s at least one post going around about how Cas is just as sassy as ever, with quotes and gifs as evidence. First off, it makes me really uncomfortable to reduce a character to a few random catchphrases like that. But also, just like Dean, his arc has largely been about overcoming depression. And as such, he’s struggled through A LOT of introspection and come to some major revelations about who and what he is, and who and what he wants to be.

I mean, his personality hasn’t fundamentally changed, but his understanding and motivations and goals certainly have.

His desire to stay in Purgatory in s8 because he couldn’t face what he’d done was one of his initial reactions to this. He’d rather run away and suffer eternally alone in Purgatory than confront what he’d done to Heaven in the name of stopping another apocalypse.

He was so hopeful and willing to believe in Metatron’s plan to “fix” heaven, to shut the gates and lock all the angels inside, because of what Naomi had put him through (torture, reprogramming... I mean we learned A LOT about just how resilient Cas is, and just how much he’s struggled through just to get to this point, where he finally understands exactly how much Heaven had tried to control him like a puppet or a tool.) But he’s so desperate to find a way to atone, to right his wrongs, to make up for the damage he’d done, that he was blind to the truth of how he was being manipulated yet again.

He struggles directly with humanity-- his own humanity-- in s9, before he once again does things because he feels he has no other choice. He was ready to die in 9.09 until he learned that whatever angel Dean had dealt with in order to save Sam back in 9.01, it hadn’t been Ezekiel, but someone who’d lied to Dean about his identity... and Dean needed to know this. So instead of sacrificing his life, Cas sacrificed his own agency yet again, stealing the grace of another angel. I think we can all agree that this particular bit of “badassery” is something we’d never like to see from him again. It’s on par with Dean selling his soul to save Sam, meaning it is an objectively horrifying choice. And that fact is pointed out to Cas repeatedly, by pretty much every other angel character in the narrative over the next season and a half.

And aside from his late s10 job as babysitter and pork rind delivery service, he really hasn’t been not-badass. He’s finally free of Heaven’s “reprogramming,” and for the first time in his billions of years of existence, he doesn’t have an instant “fix” available to him to erase his memories or reboot his operating system. He finally has to DEAL with the cumulative fallout from all his past choices and actions.

So like no other angel ever, Cas has had an opportunity to work through all of this, to understand free will, to understand humanity, and it has made him a better individual. Yes, he’s struggled with depression, and with the consequences of his actions and past choices, and he’s felt unworthy or useless or... like he’s poison.

I mean, these aren’t the typical things angels feel, you know? Because Cas has become so much MORE than that. I think this is why the petty-sounding complaint that Cas is no longer a badass, or that he’s become weak, makes me so angry.

Yes, I’m sorry. I’m watching his entire character arc unfold, seen him fight through some of the most heart wrenching battles against depression (both literal and metaphorical), struggled to reclaim his own personal arc from the whims of fate over and over again, only to emerge personally strengthened each time like steel put through the forge to temper it, and then I see comments on his arc like this, and it just makes me want to scream.

Cas’s entire story has always been about agency. His early “mystery” was the fact that he was unknown and unknowable as a tool of Heaven’s will, you know? Why in the hell would I miss that?

If you think Cas isn’t 10000% MORE badass than he ever was as Heaven’s malleable tool, might I suggest rewatching s12 and s13. If you want Cas-flavored snark, there’s plenty of that. I could spend an hour pulling quotes for you, if you’d really like. But this isn’t about snappy one-liners or Cas being a badass warrior, or him winning fights by being the more ruthless and uncaring participant.

His fight against three other angels in 13.07, for example... he had several opportunities to kill those angels and technically “win” that fight. But Cas is a better person than that. Three other angels were intent on capturing or killing HIM (which didn’t really seem to matter to them...), while Cas was intent on NOT harming them, you know? In a fight, it puts him at a disadvantage, but morally it puts him on the high ground.

Then during all his conversations with Lucifer, Cas gave just as good as he got. If that’s not the best flavor of Sassy Cassie, I don’t know what to tell you.

So... Cas has once again had his agency stripped from him, because that has ALWAYS been his struggle-- both in-story and on a metanarrative level-- and his story falls apart if it suddenly becomes something else. This is how his character development has always run, and how it will always run, until the last turn of the narrative wheel when we finally get to the end of the entire series.

This is how stories work.

And Cas is one of the most intensely profound character development arcs ever written. I can’t stand that his struggles with agency, depression, self-understanding, free will, happiness, love, and purpose can be reduced so frequently to whether or not he’s performing badassery in a particularly proscribed fashion at any given moment. It just seems... petty. And misses the point entirely.

I guess I take it so personally because I recognize stuff I’ve personally fought through in Cas’s arc... black depression and worthlessness... and hell if fighting my way out of that wasn’t one of the biggest (and yet still somehow ongoing) fights of my entire life. So to have someone suggest that somehow this still just isn’t good enough for them feels like a very personal Fuck You, you know? So I’m sorry if this came off a bit angry and defensive.

Might I suggest that Cas doesn’t need to punch things or kill things or terrify things all the time in order to be badass? Sometimes simply fighting through the worst of his personal struggles with himself and living to see the sun shine another day is far more badass than stabbing some idiot in the face.

Cas’s struggle with his own agency, with his own free will, with his own choices about who and what he is and wants to do and to be IS his story. And it’s insanely badass to me.

[mittensmorgul]

I was sitting there watching that episode and so sad for Sam and looking at Dean and thinking how he's doing ok just knowing Cass and his mom are alive and I literally yelled at the tv "Sam just needs a damn win!" and then wondered what a win is for Sam. Only thing that came to me was having Jack back (and the Lucifer protégé theory disproved) might be categorized as a win for Sam. Dean needs family. Sam needs something bigger then himself working in their favor. jmho

Well the early bit of the season paralleled Sam’s hope to rescue Mary against Dean’s hopelessness over Cas’s death. But now that Cas is back (beyond their wildest hopes– I mean even Sam believed he was perma-dead and that there was nothing more they could do to change that, but it hadn’t destroyed him the same way we saw it destroy Dean over the first five episodes of the season), but Sam’s ONE HOPE of finding a way to rescue Mary from the War World seems to have been lost now that Jack has disappeared and their single-minded drive to save Mary at all cost has apparently cost Kaia’s life in the process… well, that just piles a whole new level of guilt and hopelessness on to Sam.

Dean got his win, he got Cas back. Sam had been hopeful from 13.01 that the one thing they might potentially be able to get a win with was finding a way to save Mary. And with Kaia’s death and Jack’s disappearance, the tenuous thread of hope he’d been clinging to with both hands seemed to snap all at once.

At the beginning of the episode, we saw Sam NOT sleeping in. His clock turns from 5:59 to 6:00 am and he’s awake. It’s 8:22 am and he’s awake again when Dean knocks on his door to announce pancakes and he doesn’t answer, just rolls over. Finally at 10:00 Donna calls, and we don’t know if he’d been sleeping or not but he does hear the phone vibrate and answers…

NOT SLEEPING on Supernatural is pretty universally A Bad Sign. At the very beginning of s1 the fact that Sam was not sleeping well after Jess’s death was a plot point. Then the next time Sam wasn’t sleeping was when he was soulless after the end of s5 and in early s6 (aka 5:59-6:00?). Then toward the end of s8 (hey, like, around 8.22?) Sam was in a really rough way from the trials, practically burning himself from the inside out.

Then in s10 it wasn’t Sam who wasn’t sleeping, but Dean. Dean was a demon, and Sam was on a single-minded mission to save him, which drove Sam to some incredibly extreme measures. It was the sort of desperation and hopelessness driving him to horrific acts trying to save Dean that was reminiscent of Sam’s early s13 drive to save Mary.

And through the beginning of s13, we saw how much of Sam’s hopes to save Mary had been pinned to Jack and Jack’s powers being “trained” so that he might be able to purposely reopen the rift.

Sam’s words in that last BM scene in 13.11 (beautifully presented here in gif format), “Everything I’m saying is the truth. It’s our lives. And I tried to pretend it didn’t have to be, I tried to pretend we could have Mom back, and Cas, and help Jack, but we can’t.” It just sounds so Dean.

Dean in 13.03:

Patience: I talked to my Dad. He thinks I should put it away. Dad says we should just get back to normal. Maybe he’s right.Dean: He is. This life – hunting, monsters – there’s no joy in it. There’s nothing but pain, horror, and death. So if you get a chance at normal, you take it.

and

SAM: No, Dean. He’s messed up because of you. Dean, you said you’d kill him.DEAN: It wasn’t exactly like that.SAM: Then how exactly was it?DEAN: I told him the truth. See, you think you can use this freak but I know how this ends and it ends bad.

and

DEAN: Look, I know you think that you can use him as some sort of an interdimensional can-opener and that’s fine, but don’t act like you care about him! Because you only care about what he can do for you! So if you want to pretend, that’s fine! But me? I can hardly look at the kid! Because when I do all I see is everybody we’ve lost! SAM: Mom chose to take that shot at Lucifer. That is not on Jack! DEAN: And what about Cas?SAM: What about Cas?DEAN: He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!

Then we had basically all of 13.04 to underscore their feelings, leading up to:

Sam: What if you’re right? About Mom. What if she is dead, and I’m just in denial?Dean: Don’t say that.Sam: What? You’ve been wanting me to admit that since it happened.Dean: I know I have, but don’t say that. I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.

And 13.05 drives Dean to his darkest point, while Sam desperately tried everything to help Dean move past his grief:

Dean: I’m fine.Sam: No, you’re not, Dean. You said you don’t believe in anything, and – and that’s… that’s not true. That’s not you. You – you – you do believe in things. You believe in people. That’s who you are. That’s what you do. I know you’re in a dark place, and I-I just want to help.Dean: Okay. Look, I-I’ve been down this road before. I fought my way back. I will fight my way back again.

And this was shortly before Dean essentially resigned himself to his own death. 

Billie: You’ve changed. When you bargained with me just now, you could’ve asked to go back, to live.Dean: Well, I figured with you in charge, there’s no getting back for me.Billie: That doesn’t sound like the Dean Winchester I know and love. The man who has been dead so many times but it never seems to stick. Maybe you’re not that guy anymore, they guy who saves the world, the guy who always thinks he’ll win no matter what. You have changed. And you tell people it’s not a big deal. You tell people you’ll work through it but you know you won’t, you can’t and that scares the hell out of you. Or… am I wrong?Dean: What do you want me to say? Doesn’t matter. I don’t matter.Billie: Don’t you?Dean: I couldn’t save Mom. I couldn’t save Cas. I can’t even save a scared little kid. Sam keeps trying to fix it, but I just keep dragging him down. So I’m not going to beg. Okay, if it’s my time, it’s my time.Billie: You really believe that. [Dean shakes his head yes] You wanna die. Dean…every notebook on this particular shelf tells a version of how you die. You specifically, heart attack, burned by a red-haired witch, stabbed by a ghoul in a graveyard, and on and on. But which ones right? That depends on you, on the choices you make.Dean: Well, I guess I made my choice. Billie: But…unfortunately none of these books say you die today.

And ALL of this is so reminiscent of Dean during s7– the Dean that Frank told to essentially suck it up, put on a smile and be professional, or don’t do it at all. And the Dean that Bobby gave the “you’re talking like one of the dead ones” speech to in 7.09. When essentially, to use s13′s opening montage song title, “Nothing Else Matters.”

Sam: You okay?Dean: No. Sam, I’m not okay. I’m pretty far from okay. You know, my whole life, I always believed that what we do was important. No matter what the cost, no matter who we lost, whether it was Dad or – or Bobby or –. And I would take the hit. But I kept on fighting because I believed that we were making the world a better place. And now Mom and Cas… And I – I don’t know. I don’t know.Sam: So now you don’t believe anymore.Dean: I just need a win. I just need a damn win.

*cue Dean’s win*

And now in 13.11, Dean even lampshades the fact that Sam had done his best to keep Dean going through most of the first half of the season:

Dean: You got up at 10 a.m. this morning. 10 a.m. You. Mr. Rise and Freakin’ Shine. And then you turn down pancakes.Sam: I wasn’t hungry.Dean: They’re pancakes. Y – Look, I know you’re in a dark place right now, okay? I mean we lost Jack and Mom is… I think about 'em, too. All the time. But you can’t let it eat you up. Now look when I was – when I was broken up, you were there for me. Well I’m here for you now. And I’m telling ya, the only way out of this is through. Now when everything goes to hell, what do we do? We put out heads down and do the work. We’ll find Jack. We’ll save Mom, we will. But right now, Donna needs our help.

The thing is, even when Dean is at his most nihilistic, he still cares about other people. He reacts differently to this sort of grief and depression than Sam does. Dean’s go-to is to “put his head down and do the work.” When “the work” is all he feels he has left (and even when he’s doing it in a blatantly self-destructive way like in 13.05, or even back in s3 after he’d sold his soul).

Dean’s “go down swinging” is blatantly different to Sam’s “it ends bad.” Their depression and grief manifests differently, because they’re different people, you know?

And right now, to quote Bobby in 7.09, Sam’s looking like he’s got a case of the Anne Sextons.

Sam needs a mission, he needs something to put his hope in. Back when he’s maintained a grim-but-hopeful outlook, or when he’s managed to maintain his drive to continue hunting in any way whatsoever, he always had a larger mission to focus on– Saving Dean from going to Hell, stopping the apocalypse, closing the gates of Hell, saving Dean from the Mark of Cain, saving the universe from the Darkness… but what’s his mission now?

All Sam’s got left is the impossible hope of finding a way to save Mary, and the one key to that door is now locked on the wrong side of it… To Sam right now, he’s lost both missions that had sustained him for the first half of s13. Dean doesn’t need him to keep hope alive for the both of them anymore because Dean got his win (confirmed to Sam in 13.06), and with Jack gone he has no hope of being able to reach Mary, either.

So what does Sam have left now?

Even Dean at his most hopeless back in 13.03 was able to put aside his own hopelessness to go help Missouri and Jody without a second thought. Again when Donna asked for their help in 13.11, Dean didn’t need to be asked twice, or even told exactly what was wrong. A friend needed him, especially a friend he considers family, he was there. No questions asked.

Sam, though… in 13.03 he pawned off Missouri’s plea for help onto Jody because he’d one-tracked his focus on gaining Jack’s help in reaching Mary. And in 13.11 Sam was putting up every excuse to back out of the case– 

Sam: This isn’t even our kind of case. And you know, with the real feds here? We should back down.Dean: You’re joking, right?Sam: We’re still fugitives.Dean: They think we’re dead.Sam: Do you really want to get on the FBI’s radar again?Dean: Okay, so what do you wanna do? Hmm? You wanna call up Donna and say, ”Hey, sorry about your niece. These kinds of things happen. Later!” and then head back to the bunker so you can mope some more?

And then after the whole speech about Dean being there for Sam now…

Sam: Okay, look. (contrite sighing) Obviously, I’m here for Donna. All right? I wanna help.Dean: I know you do. So, let’s find the son of a bitch.

And then Doug choosing to stay out of the hunting life after learning about monsters only seemed to confirm to Sam that people are better off staying far away from him and the life in general.

All of this seems to be setting Sam up for something as desperate and terrifying as Dean’s emotional nadir in 13.05, and I am Concerned™ for Sam Fucking Winchester.