#(Atsushi's thoughts are a constant 'I don't want to be here')

[askchuuyanakahara]

why not just simply set the coat on fire

Chuuya: "Dazai will end up being extra annoying, begging me to buy him a new coat. I don't want to deal with that so I'd rather he have his stinky coat back."

Atsushi: "You're not meant to be here until 3pm. Kunikida-san's gonna be mad that his schedule's messed up now.."

Chuuya: "That idiot Dazai took my coat instead of his coat when he was leaving my place last night. I've come to get it back."

Atsushi: "Even if I comment on how weird it is, you're not going to listen, are you?!"

Atsushi: "A-anyways..!"

Chuuya: "Uhm.. Jinko. The elevator's not gonna come any faster no matter how many times you press the button.."

[starlightshadowsworld]

There's no one around, not at this hour. Atsushi says he only comes here because the Port Mafia are still crawling around the place.

It is land after all.

But he knows its a lie, they wouldn't stop him. Gin had invited him to the funeral.

For reasons Atsushi can't quite figure out, nor does he want too. No one stopped him from showing up, almost like they expected him to.

Even if Atsushi stood right at the back.

And only visits at night. Maybe it's because at this hour he can't see the writing on his grave. The moon shines in the sky and any other time Atsushi would find it beautiful.

Now it's a constant reminder of his failures. This wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been stronger.

Atsushi finds Akutugawa's grave, even without seeing the words he knows its his. He curls up beside it, hugging his coat close.

He'd been thinking about what he should say. But now that he's here, all words have escaped him.

But eventually Atsushi speaks.

"Don't know where you are right now." It was a dumb thing to wish, but Atsushi hopes Akutugawa is out there... Somewhere.

There was no body but Atsushi had seen it as he ran. Atsushi doesn't think he'll ever get the image out of his mind.

He smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes "did you see me on TV?" Atsushi tries to imagine what Akutugawa's face would look like. Seeing Atsushi believed to be a terrorist, he'd probably just roll his eyes.

Atsushi would do anything to see that image in person. He hugs his legs, a comfort he doesn't deserve. "I'll try not to starve myself, just because I'm mad at me." The urge was there, there was no one left to punish him.

He didn't know where everyone was.

"And I'll be in denial, for at least a little while. What about the plans we made?" Atsushi hadn't thought of the fight, even knowing it wasn't going to happen... Atsushi couldn't accept it.

Akutagawa had considered him highly enough to make Atsushi his trial. But Akutugawa was wrong, because Atsushi was nothing.

How anyone could consider them equals?

"The Internets gone wild watching Agency members on trial while their overturning the page." Akutugawa deserved to know what was happening. Atsushi hadn't spoken to anyone about it, or anything honestly.

He hadn't said a word since returning from the boat. Sometimes Atsushi still thinks he's on it, watching Akutugawa die before him over and over.

All with a smile on his face.

"Now all of my friends are missing again... cause that what happens when I get too close."

He shouldn't have come, but he'll return the next night. Just like he always did.

(lines are from TV by Billie Eilish)

[anti-dazai-blog]

I see you're interested in Dazai's treatment of Chuuya rn, but if you don't mind me ranting a bit about Akutagawa feel free to respond. First of all Akutagawa despite his edginess always felt like a really good character to me. During my first watch I didn't try to analyze the characters much, and the tone of the anime made me ignore a lot of the shit Dazai's done. But on my second watch (dw only watched it twice, second time in preparation for watching dead apple I'm not too obsessed haha) it started feeling wrong. I find Akutagawa relatable and he's an important character to me, and Dazai toying with him and his need for approval by giving the approval he wanted to Atsushi was almost uncomfortable to watch. If I had my own attempts to get approval from a person I admired shut down like this I'd crumble and die on the spot, not even being dramatic. The fact no one seems to talk about how he's essentially fueling Akutagawa's hate for Atsushi, which puts Atsushi in danger??? He doesn't care about Atsushi at all, regardless of what the fandom says (and shipping them gives me killing stalking vibes atp. The power imbalance is terrifying). I used to tolerate Dazai as a character but now he makes me angry. He's abusive as fuck both to Akutagawa and Atsushi, yet people mostly recognize his abuse towards Akutagawa.

Not to mention Akutagawa already somewhat freed himself from Dazai's influence (since he left port mafia). In a way he was probably healing just for Dazai to show up and flex that he got a new toy (person to abuse and feed his ego). When Akutagawa was forced to work with Atsushi (s2) and he didn't attempt to sacrifice everything to murder him... that was some serious character development. It showed him as a person healing from trauma and trying to become someone more than just Dazai's victim, forever manipulated to act in a way Dazai planned beforehand (somehow). And despite all this growth Dazai was still an asshole to him.

Oh and just a sidenote his constant half assed suicide attempts feel like a slap in the face to me, someone who attempted more than once. His bandages all over the body feel disrespectful as well. I'm certain there's no way he has so many injuries that need to be bandaged over at the same time. Hell, most wounds would require him to take the bandage off eventually for better healing. The fact he doesn't do it to me implies he doesn't have any injuries under the bandages at all.

I think I wouldn't hate Dazai this much if he wasn't so beloved in the fandom. I don't mind toxic/abusive characters, a well writen one is a delight to include in fanfics and whatnot. But the way his actions are excused and he's seen as sweet and caring (sadly stumbled upon dazai bf imagines) is infuriating.

Hope my rant is not too chaotic. I just saw some more bad headcanons in the tag and had to talk abt it. lol anyway sorry. Have a good day/night ♡

Anon, when I got your asks I saw it was really long, so I pulled out a few index cards to take notes on it. And now that I have, and my thoughts are decently organized, I’ll answer.

First off— feel free to send asks about any character at any time!! My current interest in Chuuya is only because the upcoming chapters are his first manga appearance, and I haven’t written about him in this series yet. Because of the fandom’s love for him (or rather, in this context it would be their love for soukoku [the ship]), I wanted to put a disclaimer about my personal stance and belief in Chuuya’s lack of guilt in any Dazai-related situation. 

Moving on to your ask-

You make a lot of really good points here. I’ll write my response in bullet point format, divided by the paragraphs of your ask.

Paragraph 1’s points-

yeah, the tone of the anime really pushes the viewer’s mind away from just how horrific Dazai’s actions are. It’s like those old sitcoms with laugh tracks— when people on YouTube finally get around to editing the laugh track out, it turns out that every joke is bad at best, and blatantly racist at worst. Except with bsd, instead of there being a bunch of bad jokes, it’s just a fun little two hour compilation of abuse, that’s supposed to be funny because the silly bandage man is doing it. I guess the bsd equivalent of editing out the laugh track would be replacing Dazai with someone who isn’t conventionally attractive.

I agree completely— nearly everything Dazai does is uncomfortable to watch. Not because it’s awful, but because it’s played off as a joke. Awful things happen in media (and in real life) all the time, but what turns it from awful to horrifying is when the witnesses of it (in this case, the audience) laughs along with the abuser instead of sympathizing with the victim. 

And to add on to what you’re saying— Dazai always sees people’s wants and needs, deepest desires, hopes, regrets, insecurities etc… and uses that knowledge to toy with people. It’s his favorite passtime. He doesn’t have a hobby. This is the one and only thing he does in his free time. 

Anon, I’m actively writing my analysis of Chapter 9 (which is 100% Akutagawa-centric, because he’s the only one to interact with Dazai in that chapter). And you just covered half the points I’m gonna make. He really is just fueling Akutagawa’s hatred of Atsushi in that scene, and the first thing Akutagawa does after leaving the dungeon is stab Atsushi straight through the chest. And remember, he’s supposed to be capturing the weretiger ALIVE. But Dazai had to intentionally make Akutagawa’s grievances with Atsushi a personal matter, rather than a professional one like it was prior to now.

Also, I’m very very proud of you for outright calling Dazai abusive, because you’re right and you should say it, and I don’t say it often enough. 

And yes, Dazai has absolutely no regard for Atsushi (or anyone else’s) safety. I think he would try to avoid allowing agency members to get killed, but other than that he really doesn’t care what happens to them.

Now onto paragraph 2 of your (very long but very great) ask-

I’ve always been curious about what Akutagawa was like in the time between Dazai leaving the mafia and Dazai resurfacing. I do have a slight headcanon that he healed a lot in that time, and made a lot of personal progress that was all undone when Dazai showed up again. Tbh I’d like to read a Light Novel on this topic— I’d love for Asagiri to show us how Akutagawa’s life looked a month before Dazai reappeared. 

As you point out, it’s definitely progress on Akutagawa’s part when he didn’t instinctively attack Atsushi in s2. But nonetheless, this is also a part of Dazai’s plan. If he attacks Atsushi, it’s a part of Dazai’s “set up a rivalry” plan. If he doesn’t, it’s a part of Dazai’s “and then the rivals work together” plan. Either way, no matter what he does, Dazai will go to sleep that night patting himself on the back for accomplishing exactly what he hoped to accomplish. Either way, it’s a lose-lose for Akutagawa, because no matter what he does he’ll be playing into Dazai’s hand. Unless, of course, he ditches Atsushi entirely. 

Paragraph 3-

YES YES I’M SO GLAD SOMEONE SAID IT!! I love you anon. Listen. Ok. Listen- I personally have never had to deal with depression and/or thoughts of suicide, so I felt like commenting on this topic would be inappropriate/ out of line for me. But I’ve had many friends who have tried to commit suicide. One of my close friends was in the hospital for almost a year from an attempt. And watching bsd make a joke of it felt.. wrong. But then I look around the fandom and see so many people using Dazai as a coping mechanism of sorts— I get it, he’s a character who many people find easy to like, and it can be nearly comforting in a way, for some people, to screenshot images of Dazai being Dazai and adding a caption of “he’s just like me fr!!” I know well that for people who are actually struggling with suicidal thoughts, it’s easier to find a character you relate to and work out stuff through that character than to have to self-analyze and self-reflect on uncomfortable topics. And I’d much rather have my friends tell my how much they’re “just like Dazai fr!!” than to have to hear all about how badly they wanna jump onto the tracks every time we’re waiting for a train. AND YET. As much as I understand the value of Dazai to many people. It’s not worth it. What’s the point of temporary comfort in a fictional character that’ll only perpetuate your thoughts and echo them back to you. If you wanna die, it’s not going to help that your favorite character does too. Maybe you’ll laugh about it before your death. Maybe your last words will be “he’s just like me fr!!”. And then what. Did it help you? Did it really help you to have someone fictional you relate to? No, it didn’t. Suicide’s not a joke. Silly bandage man should take off his silly bandages and stop making suicide a character gimmick.

Final point- fandoms are always ready to forgive their poor little meow meows. And Dazai is a lot of people’s poor little meow meow. So yeah, no matter what he does it’ll be forgiven. 

And that’s that! Excellent ask, anon!! It’s very well-phrased. I like it. 

[yenkat101]

(Please.. I'll be better.. just please don't hurt yourself anymore)

Self-harm scenarios on how you got hurt and headcannons on how lover's name deals with it.... Choice: self harming ⚠️ Tw: Self harming, cutting, blood, knife, angst to comfort ish ⚠️

Character: Atsushi Nakajima x reader ft. Dazai

Master list Hurt s/o - Atsushi & Akutagawa

Atsushi Nakajima

Scenario: dark musty night, frosted windows, constant running water, the only thing you felt was the pain in your arm. Yes, you were cutting. It wasn't a pretty sight either.. the blood dripped down your arms, water running to cover up the noise.. you we're brutal and you knew it. As soon as you knew that Atsushi wasn't supposed to be home until 3 more hours you went to relieve yourself. You can't exactly remember why did you consider this heavenly but it was. The constant sting of pain brought you pure joy.. it wasn't humane at all.. it was like the feeling of pain was the only thing you were coping for. You used your good hand to mark up the other arm.. no like you wouldn't cut yourself on the good arm because everyone would simply notice instantly.. your arms were completely bruised into a terrifying brown color.. it wasn't a bad bruise but the constant cutting only made it worse.. you didn't feel satisfied enough.. and you weren't exactly willing to continue.. not because you didn't like the pain but if you continue you knew someone would notice how would you hide it, refuse to use it, etc... You stared blankly as you fought of any way to hurt yourself without marking yourself up.. you knew you couldn't have bang your arm on the counter or else your blood might get all over it.. you shot a glance at the salt shaker not too far from you.. you knew if you sprinkled some salt upon the wound it would cause you great pain.. grabbing the salt shaker and placing it above your arm. You were about to start shaking some salt on your cuts, but you heard a shy knocking on the door. "Babe.. are you in there?" You were terrified. You quickly shot a violent glance at the clock to see that he wasn't supposed to be home, but here he was, Atsushi your boyfriend was at the door knocking "y-yeah I'm in here" "are you okay..? You're voice is.. very shaky" "no! I'm fine! Just give me a couple minutes!" You try to quickly grab the knife to at least hide it in the drawer for the meantime, but that simple act caused you to shriek in pain.. you forgot that moving at an impeccable speed with an open cut may cause sudden stings of pain. With that pain you dropped the knife. All Atsushi could hear was your shriek of pain then a metallic like object falling hard onto the tiled surface.. Atsushi couldn't handle it and enter the room without permission.. "Y/n.." he was horrified with the site.. you were on both your knees, he could clearly see your wounded arm and most importantly he saw the knife.. the bloody knife that was still sliding slowly towards him "Wha-.." Atsushi's throat was going dry by the minute.. Afterwards you were found on the couch cuddling with Atsushi. What has happened? Atsushi ended up calling Dazai.. surprisingly he came, he taught Atsushi how to properly bandage a self-inflicted wound, then he left quietly without question, he knew that there was much talking needed and it wasn't his place to be there.. for a good while Atsushi could do nothing but cling onto you for dear life and sob his heart out. Whenever he tried to speak, no words came out but simply him chocking over his own sobs.. but when he did spoke, his words horrified you "Did.. I-I do.. something wrong?" That simple answer it struck you into heartbreak. Not only he was heartbroken by this but he even thought about his own trauma thinking with his fault for everything you're going through. You weren't stupid nor selfish, so you understood that he's not making the situation about him, but rather genuinely asking you if it was his fault for the pain you're forced to go through. You didn't want this. Your intentions were to hurt you not others.. you started feeling guilty for even doing that to yourself.. you completely forgot about the question *How would Atsushi feel if he were to caught you doing that*. Now both of you and Atsushi were crying your heart's out as you come on to each other "Please.. I'll be better.. just please don't hurt yourself anymore"

Bonus: later on you were lucky enough to get Atsushi to understand I was not his fault in any way. But Atsushi, is even more observant and anxious and certainly more clingy. Just a heads up. Atsushi's will still be shaky after a week. He'll get over it eventually but that was his first time ever experiencing a loved one harming themselves that way.. poor baby tried to comfort you but you end up comforting him.. at least he tried! He tried! That's all that matters! Both of you would be cuddling and then he suddenly cries.. yeah.. he absolutely cares about you

[gotxanyxramen]

You and Me.

An Atsushi x Reader fic to cure my boredom.

Genre- fluff, mabye a little bit of angst??

Working for the Armed Detective Angency wasn't necessarily an easy task. Between Dazai acting crazy, Kunikida continually yelling at him to get back to work, and the constant stress from paper work and countless missions, you just couldn't seem to catch a break.

You felt as if the universe was laughing at your face, you were stressed, you were tired, and you just wanted a break. So you waited patiently for the day to end, and once it did you were so relieved.

You headed back to your apartment, in the rain, wondering what you would do when you'd get there. Once you arrived, you kicked your shoes off and plopped down on the couch and decided to watch something on the TV.

Here you were chilling out, watching a random show, still a little damp from the rain. You figured a nice warm bath would be nice and relaxing, so you got up and sorted out some clothes for when you would get out of the bath. Just before you entered your bathroom you heard a knock at your door.

"uuugghhhh why??" You sighed.

You answered the door to find you coworker, Atsushi Nakajima, and you immediately forgot about the stress from your day, also forgetting about that bath you planned on having, it could wait. You've had a crush on Atsushi for a while now, and for him to be at your door was a very pleasant surprise for you.

Really that was the best part of your days, getting to see him. You have a crush on him, but your scared to admit it, you don't want to ruin the relationship you already have with him, so you've always kept your mouth shut.

"H-hey Y/N, I-I know I kinda showed up randomly, b-but you left you left your phone at the agency and I just wanted to give it back to you. It looked like y-you were in a hurry and seemed a little stressed out, and I-I didn't want you to stress even more over your phone, so i figured I'd c-come by and give it back heh.." The boy stated.

You were a little embarrassed at the fact you managed to leave your phone, but glad he was kind enough to give it back to you nevertheless. He was always looking out for you, he was always able to tell how you were feeling, and always knew how to comfort you, and for that you were thankful.

"Thank you Atsushi! I truly do appreciate it!" You smiled, and gently grabbed your phone from him.

He blushed a bit. "O-of course Y/N! You are a friend of mine so I'll always be happy to help you anytime!" He responds.

Just then, you both flinched at the loud sound of a clap of thunder. You decided it was to late for him to go back home in the storm.

"Hey Atsushi, do you want to stay here tonight, it's storming and it's kinda late." You asked.

Atsushi blushes.

"O-only if y-you want me to... I-I don't wanna make you uncomfortable..." He responds.

"Please Atsushi, your always welcome here, you never make me uncomfortable." You say, pink dusting your cheeks, his getting even darker.

He accepts your offer. Walking into your apartment, then sitting on your couch. You and Atsushi have had sleep overs together before, so he still had a few clothes left over there incase he ever needed them. You both were best friends, so your place was like a home to him.

"Hey, how about you go take a shower while I cook some chazuke, I don't want you to catch a cold." You laughed.

His eyes lit up when you mentioned his favorite meal, making him even cuter than he already was.

"Thank you Y/N! I'll be out shortly to help you, I promise!" He says, excited.

He was out of the shower rather quickly. He helped you with the last bit of dinner. You both sat down to eat, talking about everything and anything. Soon you both finished with dinner and it was your turn to take a shower.

After your shower, you walk back into your living room to be met with the sight of your crush asleep on your couch.

'adorable' you thought.

You grabbed a blanket and put it over the sleeping boy. As he snuggled into the blanket you couldn't help but think what a life with him would be like.

You thought about all the fun things you both could do together, what waking up with him cuddled next to you would be like, how you could both could be there for each other, wondering what his kisses felt like.

You snapped yourself out of your fantasies, sleepiness taking over. You took another look at the boy, and you whispered under you breath....

"I hope that one day, it could be you and me."

And with that you headed to bed, once again dreaming of what both of your lives could be like together.

Oki Doki leaving it there. It was my first fic that wasn't head cannons 😂 probably wasn't that good, but hey, I tried 😂Idk if I want to do a part 2 of this, I might. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed dumpilngs!!!

[blackandorange]

heyo i don't know if you've done this yet so sorry if you already have, but could you do a top 5 bungou stray dogs characters?? you don't have to, but id really like to see your favorite characters!! thanks b!

rip making this list was way harder than I thought.

1. Chuuya Nakahara. Who would have thought, right? It’s not a mystery that Chuuya is my favorite character in bsd, he stole my heart the very second I saw him. I love everything about him: his unique character design, his chili pepper personality, his strength, his confidence but also his dark, sometimes twisted side. But, most of all, I love him for his heart. Despite being raised in the darkness, he’s still so kind and caring, in his own way. I just want to take him away from the mess he’s in and spoil him with expensive wine and designer clothes. I wish I could give him the whole world, but he deserves so much more than that.

2. Edogawa Ranpo. My adorable lazy son was the very fist character I fell in love with. It was a mix of his brilliant mind, his gorgeous eyes, and that incredibly relatable attitude. He’s my ultimate bias, he could come into my house and rob all my snacks and I’ll probably thank him. 10000/10 highly recommend. 

3. Atsushi Nakajima. I’m so glad he’s the protagonist of this story. He suffered so much, he’s emotionally scarred and psychologically damaged, but still he managed to keep his heart of gold safe and beating. My heart broke into so many pieces when I read the extent of the abuses he suffered in the orphanage. Honestly, what the actual fuck. He’s not perfect, and that’s alright, because he’s growing and becoming stronger each day. He just doesn't give up on people, no matter which side they are in, and the world truly needs people like him. He’s officially my son™. (also his reaction faces give me life)

4. Akutagawa Ryuunosuke. Speaking of sons, here’s the other one. I’m honestly so proud of him, he’s hands down the character that went through the biggest development in the series. He started as a heartless mass murderer and now he goes around saving people and caring about their past and their emotions. Also, he’s incredibly self-aware and he knows he has issues to resolve, strings he needs to cut, and I’m sure he will. I’m rooting for you Aku

5. Fyodor Dostoevsky. He’s gorgeous and terrifying. He’s a terrible person but at the same time a perfect villain. He’s that kind of villain you hope the creators would find a way to keeping in the story...forever. Even if he’s the bad guy, I enjoy immensely the way he outsmarts and tricks people (especially Dazai), and I find myself looking forward to seeing his genius in action and to know more about his past. Just....give me all the Fyodor, I need him.

- bonus: Ah, Dazai. I have such a complicated relationship with him. There are days in which I legit hate him, I can’t stand him and his constant smug expression. There are days in which I think about what he has done (and keeps doing) to Aku and to Chuuya and my first instinct is to slap him with a burning pan. But then I remember the face he made when Oda died, I remember how much hell he himself has been through. I remember he has a heart, I remember he's capable of love, of emotions, of truly caring. I remember that, as incredible as it sounds, he’s probably the most selfless character in the series. There are days in which I truly love him, and I hate it. And I hate him. And then I love him...again. 

Thank you for your message!

Ask me my top 5 things!

[starlightshadowsworld]

You don't know what I'd do (for you) Part 3

Part 2 Part 1 and the Prequel, Me and the Devil (Walking side by side)

Part 4

(tw for panic attack and well Atsushi survives what should've been his death and thinks he shouldn't have.)

Atsushi knew something was wrong when he gained awareness and could hear beeping. It sounded familiar but he couldn't place exactly what it was.

But that was beside the point, unless the afterlife was in fact taking place on one busy motorway, Atsushi shouldn't be hearing any beeping.

Perhaps it was Fyodor in acting his vengeance from beyond the grave. Atsushi had died while pissing him off and now he would never know peace again.

It definitely felt like the kind of petty shit the Demon would do. But if that was the case, Atsushi's eyes wouldn't be closed now would they?

When Atsushi opened his eyes he expected many things. The two most constant companions in his life, pain and his cage.

He found neither.

Atsushi wasn't in the cage, wasn't in the cell in Fyodor's base. He was laying in a bed in Yosano's infirmary. He should know, he'd been in here more than most.

But that didn't make any sense?

Was he seeing things again?

But that didn't explain why the blanket felt so soft against his skin. His body was heavy, like it was made of lead. All his energy was drained.

But this wasn't like earlier, when he'd been unable to move because of injuries and restraints.

Maybe he was losing it, again and his brain was trying to trick him into thinking he was safe. It didn't sound like his brain but Dazai had been in his cell.

And was currently sat in the corner of this room, so maybe?

'... Wait what?' Atsushi blinked in suprise, looking to the corner of the room. And sure enough, there was his mentor.

Dazai was sitting in a chair reading his Complete Guide to Suicide book. But even from here Atsushi could tell he wasn't paying attention to it.

But that only begged the question, what was Dazai doing here? He'd seen Dazai before, a trick by his drug filled brain when he was scared. So why was Dazai here now?

"Idiot boy" Atsushi flinched, looking away from Dazai to the familiar face of the Headmaster.

The man's face was twisted in its eternal frown, an anger in his eyes that persisted even now. "You can't even put it together can you? You're so pathetic, you couldn't even die properly."

Atsushi froze.

... No...

It was at that moment Atsushi's gaze lowered to look at himself.

He felt his heart stop as the pieces fell into place. He was connected to a heart monitor, that was what was making the beeps.

He wasn't imagining this, was he? Atsushi really was in the Agency's infirmary.

'... But that's impossible..' Thought Atsushi, eyes widening in terror. If he was in the Agency, that means he'd been found.

It means he survived.

Atsushi thought back to earlier, to the moment Fyodor learned the truth.

How Fyodor's frown turned into an amused chuckle. "I see, you never planned on giving me the book after all." Atsushi glared back at him in defiance. "You won't have it. Not you, not anyone else."

The Demon had stood before Atsushi, and clapped for him. "You really are you're mentors protege, aren't you?" Fyodor smirked at him, cold and unwavering.

"The Cannabalism ability may be beyond my reach now... But I have ways of making you give me what I want."

His eyes shone with mirth. "And I assure you, I don't need you alive for it."

That's where Fyodor was wrong. He'd miscalculated and it took everything Atsushi had to keep a straight face.

He couldn't give anything away, and he hadn't. No matter how much pain Fyodor's clown inflicted upon him. Atsushi had bit his lip down so hard but even he couldn't silence his screams.

Something the clown seemed to take amusement with, as did Fyodor himself.

But never did Atsushi beg for his life. Never did Atsushi beg for for the pain to the stop. He didn't at the Orphanage and he wouldn't now.

And never did Atsushi reveal that Fyodor was wrong. That after everything with Shibusawa, the tiger couldn't be seperated from Atsushi because it is him.

Not even in death could seperate them, but Fyodor didn't know that. Atsushi would die and the key to finding the book would die with him.

... But Atsushi was alive...

That had not been part of the plan. Atsushi wasn't supposed to survive. He wasn't supposed to be here.

Atsushi surviving meant that that the book could still be found. It meant that now Fyodor would go after Atsushi personally and his friends would be caught in the crossfire.

He couldn't breathe. He felt like he was going to explode. That his heart was going to burst out of his ribcage. How could he have been so stupid.

"Atsushi!"

The heart monitor was blaring now, having translated his panic for all the world to hear. Dazai was at his side in an instant. The delight at seeing his mentee awake fading into concern.

Dazai supposed it made sense for Atsushi to wake up in a panic, given how they found him. But it didn't make it any better, at least with this he knew how to help.

"Hey Atsushi" Dazai smiles softly at him like Atsushi world wasn't imploding around them. He took in deep breathes in and out and motioned for Atsushi to copy "In and out, you see that?" Atsushi slowly began to copy Dazai, calming down.

Dazai smiled, encouragingly. "There you go, in and out. You're okay, you're safe now." That appeared to be the wrong thing to say as Atsushi shook his head, his eyes blurry with tears.

"I'm not..." Dazai softened, gently running a hand through his hair. "You are, you're here at the Agency. No one can hurt you here." He grins "they'll have to get through all of us."

Dazai wasn't kidding about that either. Kenji was guarding the door with a sullen face and a stop sign. If anyone tried to hurt Atsushi, they'd be spending a lot of time in the hospital.

And if somehow they got past Kenji... Well... Good luck.

Atsushi shook his head again. "Not supposed to be..." He whispered but Dazai hears him clearly. Dazai blinked in suprise, frowning. "What do you mean, Atsushi?"

Atsushi hates that he wants nothing more than to curl up in Dazai's arms and sob.

He hates that his mentor is being so kind to him like Atsushi hasn't ruined everything. Everyone was in danger because of him, why was he being so kind?

It made Atsushi want to scream.

"You shouldn't have come... You shouldn't have come, I was supposed to die." He looks Dazai in the eye, eyes wide in panic and terror begging him to understand.

"You should have left me to die."

Dazai feels like his heart stopped. Sure he remembered Ranpo and Akutugawa saying Atsushi planned a one way trip... But to hear it from him.

He'd failed him. How could he have let Atsushi fall so far? 'I'm going to fix this, if it's the last thing I do.' He thinks, before pulling Atsushi into a hug.

Atsushi freezes, knowing he should wiggle out of it. But he's exhausted, he's scared and Dazai is here... He's really here and there's no small part of Atsushi that isn't so happy to see him.

"Atsushi, I want you to listen to me closely. If I get anything wrong, correct me, okay?" Asks Dazai, his voice light and soft. He waits until Atsushi gives him a small nod before continuing.

"I think you've set yourself up on an impossible task trying to save everyone. And gotten yourself tangled up and scared." He gently runs a hand through Atsushi's hair as he speaks.

"And I know why you did it, but I really wish you didn't. I know you want to take this all on your own. That you blame yourself, but this not a burden you can bare alone. And I'm sorry Atsushi but I've gotten rather attached to you. None of us want to lose you."

And wasn't that the truth, Dazai lost Atsushi for all of a second when his heart stopped. He had Atsushi's bloody hand print on his face, his mentee's last words being to comfort him.

Dazai wasn't going to lose him again.

"Can you let us save you now?"

Atsushi wants to refuse, because he knows it has to be him. He's the guide, he's the one Fyodor's after all. But Atsushi doesn't want to go back there. He's tired, so so tired...And he's drowning but Dazai's here.

He was dying and Dazai, he realises now that Dazai was real. He had saved him abs Atsushi had felt so relieved to see him.

He didn't want to do this alone.

"Okay" Says Atsushi, looking up to face Dazai. His mentor smiles at him, genuinely and kindly. "Good, and I promise you that Fyodor isn't going to get anywhere near you again."

Redemption arc be damned. Dazai would murder that man himself if he ever got near Atsushi.

And somehow that's enough for the tears, the fear and everything else Atsushi's been bottling up since this whole ordeal started, to crumble.

He was safe.

He was safe in the Agency and Dazai was holding him. He wasn't dying, he didn't need too...He was gonna be okay.

And every time Dazai ruffled his hair Atsushi was reminded this was real.