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kinkykinard · 6 years ago

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What the Water Gave Me

Fandom: Star Trek AOS. Pairing: Leonard McCoy x female reader. Word Count: 5099. Warnings: vaginal fingering, anal fingering, enemas, vaginal sex, anal sex (female receiving), butt plugs. Rating: Adult (18+). Summary: You never thought you would agree to give enemas a try at Leonard’s suggestion, but in the end you’re oh so glad you did. Beta: @daughterofthebrowncoats. Author’s Note: Thank you so so so much to @daughterofthebrowncoats for inspiring this fic and pushing me over the edge into writing it! I’ve done my absolute best to keep it tasteful without being overly graphic in the wrong ways. Please don’t feel obligated to read it, but if you want to give it a try, I hope you enjoy it! Additionally, I’m only tagging the select few people who already know what the fic is and who haven’t run away screaming, but if you would like to be tagged in future fics like this, please let me know!

You’ve been preparing for this night for weeks now, getting used to the idea of what Leonard had told you he wanted to do to you. You’ve been reading, researching, and carefully asking around about what he had proposed one night when you’d been lying in his arms after a round of lovemaking and though you’ve heard good things, you haven’t been able to quell the undercurrent of anxiety you’ve been feeling.

Shifting around a little on your knees and elbows, you fight the urge to cover yourself. Your entire backside is exposed to Leonard’s view and though you can hear him in the bathroom next door getting things ready, you can’t help but feel vulnerable and like you’re on display. The sound of water running has your heart racing and pounding and while you trust Leonard implicitly, you can’t help but be a little bit terrified of what’s about to happen.

When the topic of enemas had first come up, you’d been skeptical and hesitant, but after a bit of reassurance you’d caved and agreed to try it. Leonard had been over the moon and had promised to take excellent care of you. He had assured you that it would be painless and wonderfully exciting, and so after thinking on it for a fortnight, you’d let him know that you were ready.

You hear the water in the bathroom stop running and unconsciously fist your hands tighter in the plush towel beneath you. You hear Leonard’s footsteps grow nearer and gasp when his hand settles gently on the curve of your lower back, rubbing the skin there in broad, sweeping strokes that help soothe you.

“Are you ready, sugar?” He asks in a tone much more gentle than the authoritative one he often uses in the bedroom, though the effect is the same.

“Yes,” you say breathlessly. “Please be gentle.”

“Do you trust me?” He queries further.

“Yes,” you assert.

“Yes…” Leonard trails, quirking an eyebrow and slipping his hand down to your buttock and giving it a firm squeeze.

“Yes Doctor,” you amend.

“Good,” Leonard says, satisfied. “Now I want you to relax for me, darlin’. I’m going to lube you up.”

Your heart rate soars again at his words; you’ve never had anyone or anything inside of your ass before and the thought of his fingers there is equal parts maddeningly sexy and terrifying. You shift a little as you hear the snap of gloves behind you and shiver in anticipation. Moments later, Leonard’s hand lands back on your buttock and pulls it aside to expose your anus. You bite your lip and yelp quietly when you feel a cold dollop of lubricant land right on your opening.

“Deep breath,” Leonard instructs.

A few beats of silence and stillness go by and then you feel Leonard’s finger pressing gently, just barely, against your asshole. Making a conscious effort to relax as it circles, massaging the slick gel into your skin, you resign yourself to his ministrations. Your face flames in humiliation at being bent over so lewdly but you can feel yourself growing wet as his massage starts to feel good.

When his fingertip first dips inside just the smallest bit a few seconds later, you grasp the towel harder, the skin over your knuckles stretching taut from the effort. You know Leonard felt your tension mount when he pulls back a little, instead continuing the slow and methodical massaging for a little while longer.

Eventually you relax and when his finger slips inside once more you manage to stay still and at ease. He takes his time working it in, adding a drop of lube here and there as needed to keep you comfortable. The longer he spends fingering you, the more you start to wonder why you’d never tried anything anal before; it feels just as good as Leonard had promised it would.

So far, anyway.

“I think you’re ready,” Leonard murmurs. “You’re relaxing real quick here.”

You nod, resting your forehead on your crossed arms and biting your lip as his fingers slips free of you. His other hand stays put, though, holding your buttock aside as he picks up a large squeeze bottle with a long, thin nozzle screwed into the end of it. You shut your eyes tightly as he holds it aloft just over your backside, allowing a few drops to dribble from the tip of it and onto your skin. The water is warm, you’re relieved to feel, and you take a slow, steadying breath as you feel him poise the tip of the nozzle at your opening.

“Okay?” He asks.

“Yes,” you allow.

You inhale sharply as you feel him press forward and feel the nozzle slide in deep. It’s only a couple of inches, but it’s more than you’ve ever had inside of your ass before and it feels intense. It takes you a moment to adjust to it as the flared neck of the bottle comes to rest flush up against your opening and you squeeze involuntarily around the hard, unyielding plastic of the nozzle, feeling a twinge of arousal.

“Here comes the water, sugar,” Leonard warns.

Before you can even think to brace yourself, you feel a sudden flush of warmth somewhere deep inside of your belly. You rock involuntarily back against the nozzle and earn yourself a soft chuckle from Leonard. He lets go of your buttock, instead stroking his hand up along your spine as he continues squeezing the water into you with the other one. It’s a completely new and unique feeling, but it’s not unwelcome and perhaps even somewhat pleasant. The heat of the water spreads through you as more of it is instilled and you moan softly.

“Too much?” Leonard asks, easing off a little for a moment.

“No,” you say breathlessly. “It’s nice; it feels good.”

You can hear the smile in his voice.

“Glad to hear it,” he says. “Not much left to go, but if you take this one like a champ, I’ve got another ready for round two.”

You consider his words as he increases the pressure he’s applying to the squeeze bottle, filling you up with the rest of the small amount of fluid.

“Let me hold this one for a little?” You suggest. “So I can get used to it?”

“That’s the idea,” Leonard assures you with a chuckle. “There, all in.”

You groan quietly as you feel him withdraw the nozzle, leaving you missing the sensation of being penetrated. You shift your weight from one knee to the other a few times but you can’t feel the water sloshing around inside of you like you assumed you would be able to. Instead, you just feel a little full and very warm.

You tense a little when you feel Leonard’s fingers gently part your labia and slip in the moisture that’s collected there. As he eases one inside and brushes up against your g-spot, however, you let yourself enjoy the sensations the friction is creating. Between the water in your belly and the finger in your vagina, you feel an orgasm building quickly and you clench your fists to hold it back.

“I don’t want to spill!” You gasp. “Len, please!”

His rubbing against your g-spot slows and his free hand comes to land on your hip, squeezing it to help ground you a little.

“You’re doing fine,” he encourages. “You can hold it.”

You shake your head as a fine sheen of sweat breaks out across your skin, making it prickle with goose bumps. You’re very suddenly feeling the need to release the water and you shimmy forward, scarcely even noticing that Leonard’s finger has slipped from inside of you in your rush.

“I have to go!” You exclaim, clambering toward the edge of the bed; you’d known the feeling of needing to go was going to be intense, but you hadn’t quite imagined it to this degree.

As you move to stand, Leonard offers you a hand, gently steadying you as you get to your feet. He presses a hasty kiss to your forehead as you stride by him, making your way into the bathroom and shutting the door behind you.

When you emerge ten minutes later, you feel a little shaky from the emptying but also more turned on than you remember ever feeling before. You’re aching to feel more, and it’s with a coy expression that you make your way back over to the bed.

The sight of Leonard standing at the bedside and adjusting the height of an IV pole he’s very clearly purloined from the med bay – a pole with an impossibly large, full enema bag hanging from it – nearly stops your heart. You bite your lip as you approach him slowly, eyeing the setup. As you get close enough, Leonard steps in and wraps his arms around you from behind, splaying a hand on your abdomen and rubbing it gently.

“Ready for more?” He asks.

“Yes, Doctor,” you purr.

Leonard nods, dipping his head to press a kiss to your cheek before nudging you towards the bed.

“On your knees then, sweetheart,” he instructs.

You comply easily, assuming the same position you had been in earlier. It isn’t long before Leonard is standing just behind you, pulling on a fresh set of gloves and uncapping the lube. When he touches you a moment later, spreading your cheeks again just like the first time, you relax a lot more easily and though it’s only the second time you’ve ever allowed him to touch you like this it’s already familiar enough that you’re perfectly content as he presses a finger inside of your asshole to lubricate you.

As he switches out his finger for the enema tip, you realize that this nozzle is thicker than the last one and you feel a little thrill at the thought of it stretching you even more than his finger has. As he continues to push it forward it occurs to you that the nozzle is shaped like a plug, long and somewhat uncomfortably wide at its maximum diameter. The discomfort eases quickly, though, as it slides completely inside of you and seats itself with its flared base keeping your cheeks spread.

“I figured that might help you hold this one,” Leonard says softly, strong a hand over your buttock and pressing the plug just a fraction deeper with his thumb, making the tubing running through the center of it bounce a little, sending pleasurable little shocks through your core. “It’s going to be a big one; going to make your belly swell with all that water.”

“I want it,” you beg on a whim a moment later, turning your head a little so you can just see Leonard out of the periphery of your gaze. “Please, Len. I want to feel it.”

“How can I refuse when you beg so sweet, darlin’?” He says, pleased at the state he’s worked you up into.

Without any warning, Leonard reaches for the clamp on the tubing and releases it, allowing the flow to start. It’s intense, so much more intense than the first one, and you can’t help but moan as you immediately start to feel full. You’re about to ask him to slow the flow down a little when you feel a sudden release and realize that the water has started moving deeper inside of you. The feeling that you’re about to burst fades and is quickly replaced by a pleasant warmth and relaxation.

As the minutes creep by in silence, you focus on the growing heaviness in your belly and the way Leonard’s hands have begun to sweep in a gentle, soothing massage over your lower back, hips, and thighs. You can feel yourself growing full, the skin on your belly becoming taught from the strain of all of the water inside of you, and soon it starts to become uncomfortable.

“How much more?” You ask.

“You’ve got just under a third of the bag left,” Leonard replies. “You can do it, sweetheart.”

“I’m getting crampy,” you whine softly.

You gasp as you suddenly feel a brush up against your clit and realize it’s the inside of Len’s wrist as he reaches between your legs to splay his hand on your gently swollen belly. He carefully massages all over your abdomen, easing the cramping quickly and returning you to a state of comfort and arousal.

“Better?” He asks.

You nod and take a slow, deep breath as you feel his hand slip away. You can hear him moving around behind you and you glance over your shoulder as you feel him pat your hip a moment later.

“All done,” he announces with a smile. “You did great, darlin’.”

“I feel so full,” you breathe.

“I want you to hold it for a while,” Leonard insists softly. “But I can help take your mind off it; make it easier.”

“Yes, please,” you say.

You can hear the rustle of fabric behind you and you can only imagine he’s removing his boxers – the only remaining vestige of modesty he has remaining. You listen a little longer, hearing the tearing of a condom packet and the snap of the lid to the bottle of lubricant. Before long, you feel Leonard’s weight on the bed between your legs and your eyes widen as he lines the head of his cock up with your core.

“Going to make you feel even more full, darlin’,” he explains. “With that nozzle in your ass and all that water in your belly, my cock’s going to fit inside you nice and snug.”

You bite your lip as you feel him press forward, pushing just the tip of his cock into your wet and waiting pussy. It’s already more intense than anything you’ve ever felt before and you can’t help but let out a wordless cry as he pushes in deeper, filling you beyond your wildest imaginings. You clench around his cock, panting as you adjust to the stretch and squeeze.

“Fuck,” you hiss, reaching down to finger your clit, adding to the maelstrom of pleasure you’re already feeling.

“You’re so tight, angel,” Leonard growls. “Is it too much?”

His concern warms but doesn’t surprise you and you shake your head. Clearing your throat, you reassure him aloud.

“No,” you promise. “Just… go slow.”

And so he does.

At first, the thrusts are very slow and short, just teasing more than anything, allowing you to get accustomed to the feeling of having something in both of your orifices. As you start to respond, however, bucking your hips back and bringing your ass flush up against Len’s pelvis, he lengthens the thrusts, increasing his tempo and grabbing onto your hips for stability.

“Oh God,” you moan. “I’m going to spill, Len! I can’t hold it like this!”

“You’re going to be just fine, sugar, trust me,” he soothes, slowing his rhythm for just a moment. “I know how to take your body apart piece by piece and put it back together again, and I know that you’re not going to spill so much as a drop. Not with this in.”

He pointedly reaches out and presses on the plug-shaped nozzle in your ass. The movement of the smooth plastic against your stretched and spasming hole makes a shudder go through you and you know your orgasm is close. The tightening of everything inside of you as your climax draws nearer is amplified by your fullness and you’re powerless to stop the onslaught as Leonard starts to move in earnest again. The rasping of his cock against your g-spot combined with the rhythmic thrum of your fingers against your clit has starbursts popping behind your close eyelids and you gasp for air as your climax hits you.

You cry Leonard’s name as the spasming starts up and grip the sheets beneath you for dear life. All you can hear is the whoosh of your heartbeat in your ears, the sound in perfect synch with Leonard’s thrusts inside of you. Within moments he’s coming, too, and the suddenly erratic thrusting helps to bring you down a little bit. You feel like you’re going to burst but you stay still as he finishes, gritting your teeth as he finally slumps forward, pressing his forehead to the spot between your shoulder blades.

“I’ve got to go,” you rasp. “Now!”

Though he’s still loose and boneless in the wake of his own orgasm, your comfort is paramount and Leonard quickly slips out from inside of you and climbs to his feet. With one hand on your lower back to brace you, his other hand goes to the nozzle and grasps it firmly.

“Relax, darlin’,” he says roughly, his voice gravelly in the aftermath of his climax. “I’m going to pull this out and you can go on ahead.”

You nod frantically, breathing in short, staccato gasps as you feel him tugging on the nozzle. You wince a little as he pulls it out, the widest part of it stretching you deliciously before popping out with ease. The second it’s removed, you scramble of off the bed and all but run to the bathroom, closing the door behind you as you reach the toilet just in time.

The next twenty minutes are equal parts relief and living nightmare as you release the contents of the enema. It’s even more fluid than you thought and you’re weak and shaky by the time it’s finally over. Your groan of relief and flushing of the toilet attract Leonard’s attention from outside of the room and you hear a gentle knock on the door.

“Why don’t you get into the shower?” He suggests. “I’ll join you in a minute.”

It sounds like an amazing idea and you agree easily. Waiting a moment before standing to get your bearings, you pull a few extra fresh, fluffy towels out from under the sink and set them on the counter for afterward. Eventually, you get to your feet and step into the shower, pulling the glass door closed behind you and turning on the spray; real water, not the sonic jets that you usually use.

As the heat of the water eases any remaining tension in your muscles and washes away the prickle of sweat on your skin, you hardly notice Leonard climb into the shower with you until his arms wrap around you, his hands coming up to cup your breasts. His thumbs graze your nipples and you sag back against his chest, groaning contentedly.

“So what did you think?” He asks, dipping his head to press a kiss to the side of your neck.

“It was intense,” you summarize. “I think I’d like to try it again some time.”

“Yeah?” Leonard murmurs hopefully.

You nod, tipping your head to the size, nuzzling his cheek.

“There’s something else I’d like to try, too,” you continue slowly.

“What is it?” He asks as he pulls away a little, reaching for the soap.

You watch him as he pours a bit of it into his hands and works it through his fingers before reaching up to start lathering you up. The massage feels heavenly and you fall silent for several long moments, enjoying the sensation of his fingers on you.

“I want to feel your cock in my ass,” you say a few moments later, breaking the companionable silence.

Leonard’s massage doesn’t stop, but you can feel the wanton need radiating off him.

“You’re all nice and clean inside now, sweetheart,” he murmurs, suddenly pressed flush up against you again, sudsy hands trailing down your arms to grasp your wrists. “Do you think you can handle coming for me again?”

You feel lust coil in the pit of your belly at the thought of having him inside of your ass and even though you’re spent from the evening’s activities, you find your body ready and raring to go again in an instant. Nodding, you press your ass back against him, wiggling it just a little to rub at his heavy, slowly-hardening cock.

“Yes,” you say emphatically, dislodging his hands and leaning into the spray to wash off the soap so you’re not covered in slippery suds. “I’m ready, Len.”

He chuckles softly, leaning forward with you and settling his hands on your hips, pulling you back up against him even more. You can feel his cock stiffening and straining against your buttocks and you reach for the grab bar at the front of the shower. Originally designed in case the gravity failed while one was in the shower, it makes a great hand hold for sex, too, and you plan on making good use of it.

“Stay just like that for me, darlin’,” Leonard instructs, pulling open the shower door and quickly stepping out. “I’ll be right back.”

You watch him cross over to the medicine cabinet and roll on a condom before pulling out a bottle of lubricant different from the one he’d used in the bedroom. From its more viscous, silky texture you know it’s silicone-based and you groan inwardly at how good you know it’s going to feel on your asshole. You shift your weight from foot to foot as Leonard applies a generous amount of the lubricant to his cock and fingers, and you reach up to angle the showerhead down further as he makes his way back over to you.

Seconds later, Len is back in the stall with you and closing the door with his lube-free hand. You feel the other one brush the cleft between your cheeks and you reach back, pulling one cheek aside to give him better access.

“God damn, sweetheart,” Len growls. “You’re going to make me cum before I even have a chance to touch you if you keep that up.”

You flash him a coy smile and wiggle your hips a little to tease him.

“Now,” he says, slipping his fingers further into the cleft and pressing one up against your anus. “Let’s get you lubed up. Don’t want to hurt you, darlin’. Want to make you feel good.”

You nod and brace yourself, relaxing into his touch as one finger slips easily inside of you right up to the hilt. It feels good – so warm and vital – but it’s not enough. Leonard can tell you’re ready for more just by how comfortable and relaxed you are around his finger and he doesn’t leave you waiting for long before slipping a second one in alongside the first.

“You really are ready,” he says with a groan. “You’re going to feel so good on my cock. Going to take me nice and deep, aren’t you?”

“Yes, sir,” you rasp, letting go of your cheek so you can hold onto the grab bar with both hands again. “Please. I need you. Now.”

He’s usually the one giving orders, but in the state you’ve worked him into with your desperate pleading and your clenching around his penetrating fingers, he’s in no mood to argue or put you off any longer. Withdrawing his scissoring digits, leaving you empty and wanting, he steps in so his cock is probing at your opening. One hand goes to your hip and the other to his cock, guiding it slowly into you. As soon as his head slips inside, you let out a strangled cry of ecstasy and feel the blood rush to your head as arousal washes over you.

“I’m going to go slow, baby girl,” Leonard assures you. “Going to watch my cock disappear into you one inch at a time.”

You desperately want him to just get on with it already, but at the same time you’ve heard horror stories about people taking it too fast with anal – especially their first time – and so you’re happy to let him ease into it. So far it feels incredible and you don’t want anything in the world to change that.

You breathe slow and deep as he starts to push deeper, feeling your heart hammering in your rib cage as his cock presses forward, filling you up and stretching you more than you’ve ever felt before. The burn of the stretch is a little bit uncomfortable but far too exciting to be bothersome and it only adds to your arousal. The thought of Leonard’s cock entering your ass is dizzying and you grip the grab bar just a little bit harder to compensate for how weak in the knees you suddenly find yourself.

“I want you to film us sometime,” you blurt, unable to hold back the thought. “I want to watch you penetrating me.”

“Christ, sugar,” Leonard growls. “You’re going to kill me.”

You laugh softly, though it turns to a gasp a moment later as you feel him bottom out inside of you, his pelvis flush against your backside. Reaching back, you run your fingers over the spot where the two of you are joined, groaning at how taut you feel around him. Leonard echoes the noise with one of his own as he runs both hands up your sides to cup your breasts. He pinches at your nipples gently, just enough to send a shock of arousal through you as he allows you to get used to having him inside.

“You can move, Len,” you grind out after a minute or two of stillness. “You’re not going to break me.”

Leonard gives no indication that he’s heard you until you feel him pulling back a moment later. The sensation of friction is incredibly sexy and you cant your hips forward a little to speed him along. You’re desperate to increase the pace, to feel the drag of his cock against your sensitive walls. Submitting completely, you drop your shoulders so that your ass is well presented, all the while keeping your hands on the grab bar to keep the two of you stable.

You realize that Leonard needs no more encouragement as he starts to thrust. It’s a leisurely in and out at first, comfortable but teasing, though it quickly becomes so much more. It’s wildly different from having him in your pussy and it feels incredible. The lubricant makes the slide of flesh on flesh effortless and heightens the sensation. Leonard’s harsh breaths and groans of ecstasy only add to the rush and it’s all you can do to grit your teeth so that you don’t splinter apart in a climax just yet; you want this to go on forever.

You aren’t sure how long it goes on as the thrusts become raw, carnal. All you know is that you’ve never felt a climax as big as the one you have building coming before. Your legs are shaking from the effort it’s taking not to come apart at the seams and you’re sure Leonard can feel the thundering of your heartbeat against the palm he’s got beneath your breast.

One more deep, hard thrust and it’s all you can take. You scream Leonard’s name as you tip over the precipice, climaxing so hard you can barely breathe. The shower water has long since gone cold but your skin feels like it’s on fire as you spasm around Leonard’s cock, thankful for the support he’s providing with his grip on your ribcage.

As your orgasm rages on, you can feel Leonard’s cock thickening inside of you and within second you’re coming together. You wish you could feel him coming inside of you without the condom, feel him filling you to the brim with his seed, but for this time just the feelings of his hips bucking against you and his fingers gripping your skin almost too tightly have to suffice.

As the two of you come down you sag, your grip on the grab bars slipping and nearly sending you sprawling if not for Leonard’s hands on you. He rights you easily, holding you tight against his chest until you can find your balance. As he shifts so that you’re out of the cold spray, his cock slips from inside of you and you hiss at how sensitive you’re left in its wake.

“Alright?” He asks softly.

“Yeah,” you reply, smiling tiredly, satiety clearly evident on your face. “I’m fine.”

Leonard nods and loosens his hold on you as you pull away, giving you the chance to lean forward and turn off the water. The two of you take your time stepping out of the shower, and you luxuriate in Leonard’s hands on you as he carefully towels you off. The room air is cool on your post-coitally warm skin as you step into the bedroom and you order the computer to increase the temperature just a little, and you can’t help but smile as you catch sight of the now-empty enema bag hanging on the IV stand beside the bed.

“Scotty’s going to have a fit when he sees we’ve maxed out my weekly water allowance,” Leonard says wryly as he steps up behind you and places his hands on your shoulders. “What am I going to tell him?”

“The truth,” you tease with a wink over your shoulder. “He’ll never question it again.”

Leonard barks out a laugh as he steers you toward the bed and ushers you in under the covers. You sigh contentedly as he climbs in next to you and turns out the lights before shifting around so that you can lie on his chest. He rubs a hand up and down along your back as you lay your ear next to his heartbeat and let it lull you into a state of total relaxation.

“Did you really have a good time tonight?” Leonard asks in the otherwise comfortable silence.

Turning your head a little, you press a gentle kiss to his pec before going right back to listening to his heartbeat to help reassure him.

“I did,” you promise. “And I can’t wait to do it again some time.”

You can feel a tension you didn’t even realize was there leave Leonard’s body as he pulls you in just a little closer, just a little tighter.

“I’m so glad,” he whispers. “I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too, Len,” you reply.

Leonard drifts off to sleep very quickly afterward, but you lay awake for a little while listening to his soft snores and enjoying the clean and empty feeling inside the enemas have left you with. When you do finally doze off, it’s to fantasies of all of the other kinds of things you’re desperate to try now that you’ve had a taste of how good doing something unconventional can be.

Click here to see my masterlist!

#Star Trek AOS #Leonard McCoy #reader insert #lemon #fanfiction

37 notes · View notes

rabbtit · 7 years ago

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junkrat with a sad reader? :0 iDk THIS SUCKS IM SORRY-

omg no not sucky at all. we could all use this sort of comfort especially when we are sad. i apologize for the late reply 1 month pffbft but i hope that whatever was bothering you has since been cleared up!

send a request ♥ completed requests

Junkrat with a sad reader headcanons, no pronouns:

will not immediately be able to detect whats wrong. it’s nothing personal, but if he asks and you go “fine” then, expect him to drop the topic right there because he will trust that you were telling the truth.

that all depends on how long you’ve been together, though, because he would pick up on your moods and how differently you act based on how you’re feeling if you’d been dating longer.

please just be upfront and honest with him though, if you’re sad then don’t play games or beat around the bush. he WILL get impatient and aggravated because the dude just wants to know what’s making you feel so sad.

he feels what you feel. if youre feeling sad, its gonna make him sad. his idea of being a good boyfriend is to ensure that when youre with him, youre always smilin’ and laughin’

if you choose not to tell him, then he will be kind of annoyed. all he wants to do is beat the shit outta who/what(?)ever it is that’s bothering you.

but fortunately, you realize that not all your problems can be solved by your boyfriend blowing shit up.

eventually he’ll get over you not talking to him about it, and while he won’t let it go, he decides to move on and ask what he can do for you. whatever you need or want to do, he’ll do it “Ay, me offer of blowin’ the fuck outta someone still stands there luv.”

is great at distracting you from your problem and making you cheer up, for only a little while. i think you would eventually have to be the bigger person and decide when you’re ready to face whats going on.

after you’ve calmed down, you sigh and let him know what’s made you sad. if it’s either a tangible object or a person, he’ll immediately hop up and go “WOT?! WHERE IS IT, I’LL BEUST ‘IS FOKKIN’ LIP” and thats up to you whether or not you want to give him names please dont, unless youd like the blood of the innocent on your hands, by all means

if it’s something abstract, junkrat proposes the idea of extra cuddles, and more but depending on what was making you sad in the first place.

would also offer you to go testing out some of his different bomb prototypes and blowing up random (harmless) shit for fun, but that’s depending on how youd feel about the idea

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kwonhozhi · 8 years ago

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Everybody Needs A Nervy B Now And Then

Bitch In A Uniform

On the verge of turning 18, grown-up-to-be James sets his sights on the new girl at school, “gorgeous sex-god” Lily, bass player for the Stiff Dylans. Unfortunately Lily appears to already be dating James’ evil archrival: the greasy and bitter Snape. With his ridiculously named cat Sir Jeremy and his band of brothers, the Ace Gang, by his side, James sets his mad schemes in motion to nab a snogtastic girlfriend and have the best birthday party ever.

it’s here !!!! its here despite my computer shitting itself and drawing a total blank on a title and not being able to leave it alone its HERE we MADE IT

my eternal love to @alrightevans and also @alrightpotter @prongsyouignoramus and @gxldentrio

AO3

James Potter to Ace Gang: cnt believe u wankers fucking abandoned me

Remus Lupin: james we were RIGHT THERE

James Potter: NOT DRESSED AS HORS D’OEVRES

Sirius Black: it’s spelled hors d’oeuvres

James Potter: i think you’ll find its spelled ‘betrayal’

James Potter: why did you all bail???????????????

Peter Pettigrew: Mum wouldn’t let me go as a cocktail sausage, seeing as she’s veggo and all

Sirius Black: jam you KNO yellow washes me out idk what you were thinking trying to make me be a cheese and pineapple stick

Remus Lupin: i’ll square idk how the fuck i was supposed to be a vol-au-vent

James Potter changed the group name to Betrayal Gang.

Sirius Black changed James Potter’s nickname to olive boi.

Sirius Black to James Potter: u should have been at mine 2 minutes ago

Sirius Black: wher r u

James Potter: coming

James Potter: was talking to mum and dad abt my party

Sirius Black: howd it go

James Potter: :///////:

Sirius Black: double ended :/

James Potter: yeah.

Sirius Black to Ace Gang: just saw snape on the way to bio. god hes so wet up close

James Potter: wearer of the wettest haircut known to humanity thy name is snape

Peter Pettigrew: Omg i kno i saw it this morning like imagine turning up for the first day like that

James Potter: youd think hed have least timed his yearly bath to coincide with the start of school

Remus Lupin: you guys shouldn’t be so mean about him

Remus Lupin: im just kidding can you imagine

James Potter to petition for dumbledore to make a rule about school bathing regulations: lupin we all saw u go off with that bird at break

James Potter: whats the 411 lil mama

James Potter: whats the hot goss

Remus Lupin: nothing, she’s the new exchange student i was showing her around

Sirius Black: sure

James Potter: that hickey under your collar get there by itself did it

Remus Lupin: we’re not talking about this

Peter Pettigrew: Guys shut up i have English and McG is giving me the worst look

Sirius Black to now taking bets for how long it takes sirius to get a detention off mcgonagall: where have you and the swedish girl got to on the snogging scale???

Remus Lupin: shes danish

Remus Lupin: and what the fuck is the snogging scale

James Potter: me and siri invented it

James Potter: 1) holding hands 2) arm around 3) good-night kiss 4) kiss lasting over three minutes without a breath 5) open mouth kissing 6) tongues 7) upper body fondling—outdoors 8) upper body fondling—indoors (in bed) 9) below waist activity 10) the full monty

Remus Lupin: why am i friends with either of you

Sirius Black: we were thirteen

James Potter: oh so suddenly now that you’re 18 you’re too COOL for the snogging scale????????

Peter Pettigrew: CAN YOU STOP HAVING IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS WHILE IM IN CLASS WITH MCGONAGALL

Sirius Black: o i thought this was the chat without peter

Peter Pettigrew: Fuck off

Peter Pettigrew to Remus Lupin: You don’t really have a chat without me do you ?????

Peter Pettigrew: ??????????????????

Peter Pettigrew: Remus

James Potter to Ace Gang: NEW GIRL ALERT

Peter Pettigrew: Yeah, we’ve already seen her. You were there when we walked in on lupin in that EXTREMELY compromising position

Remus Lupin: if you don’t drop it im leaving the chat

James Potter: NOT HER

James Potter: ANOTHER ONE

James Potter: SHES FRIENDS WITH ALICE THE LAUGH

James Potter: SHES THE LOVE OF MY LIFE

Sirius Black: you walked in on remus doing HWAT

Remus Lupin has left the chat.

James Potter has added Remus Lupin to the chat.

James Potter: THIS IS IMPORTANT

James Potter: WE NEED A PLAN

James Potter: HOW DO I GET HER TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

Peter Pettigrew: Maybe say hello to her

James Potter: WHAT

Remus Lupin: pete don’t be ridiculous. james would NEVER do something that easy and straightforward

James Potter: i am having a CRISIS here

Sirius Black: please tell me what you walked in on remus doing with the danish girl

Remus Lupin has left the chat.

James Potter added Remus Lupin to the chat.

James Potter: everyone is on intel until further notice

Peter Pettigrew: Yeah okay

Remus Lupin: alright

Sirius Black changed the group name to Lupin’s Nonspecific But Indisputable Lovers’ Tryst With Eddie Redmayne.

Remus Lupin has left the chat.

Remus Lupin to Ace Gang and don’t you dare change it sirius black: her name’s Lily Evans

Remus Lupin: Marlene McKinnon says she just moved here from Derby

James Potter: omg remus i could kiss you

Remus Lupin: Mar also said her family’s opened an organic shop on high st

Sirius Black: how nutritious

James Potter: no one asked you

James Potter to Sirius Black: what categories have you come up with for the physical attractiveness test

Sirius Black: skin hair eyes nose figure mouth teeth

Sirius Black: all out of ten

James Potter: fab ill do up a table in word now and go to the library first thing at break to print us 4 copies

Sirius Black: marvy

James Potter to sirius no one is going to dare you to hack into the school and play gasolina over the loudspeaker at assembly on monday so stop angling for it: which of you fuckers gave me a 3 for my eyes

Sirius Black: it was purely based on their functionality

Sirius Black: you can barely see without ur glasses

Sirius Black: very poor eyes

James Potter: so it wasn’t abt how i look

Sirius Black: i didn’t say that

James Potter: sirius uve rly hurt me

James Potter: what about the 4 for my mouth

Sirius Black: that one was bc you ordered pineapple on the pizza

James Potter: i told u it was an ACCIDENT

Remus Lupin: im retrospectively docking 2 points off every single category for both of you

Peter Pettigrew: Im docking 3

Remus Lupin to Ace Gang: have to ditch saturday afternoon lads

Sirius Black: um why

Peter Pettigrew: Yeah whats more important than season six of the simpsons

Remus Lupin: i got a job

Sirius Black: where

Remus Lupin: Evans’ Organic Trade

James Potter: YOU GOT A JOB IN EVANS’ SHOP AND YOU DIDNT THINK TO TELL ME

Remus Lupin: im literally telling you right now dickhead

Remus Lupin: also it’s time travel

Sirius Black: it is NOT time travel it is CLEARLY an alternate universe you dithering FOOL

Peter Pettigrew: You’re both wrong its a time loop

James Potter changed the group name to donnie darko is BANNED from the group discourse.

Peter Pettigrew: Just because YOU thought it was a dream

Sirius Black to Friends Of James Potter Support Group: OMG

Sirius Black: PETTIGREW I CANT BELIEVE UR MISSING THIS

Peter Pettigrew: Whats happening tell meeee

Sirius Black: we just went into lupins shop

Sirius Black: evans wasn’t even here

Sirius Black: she just came out with a cup of tea for lupin and james ACTUALLY screamed,,,,,,,,,,,, evans almost dropped the mug

Sirius Black: lupin just introduced us and shes given him this look like “they better not be loitering” so hes selling me onions so she doesn’t kick us out

Sirius Black: lupin i dont want these and i shant pay for them

Sirius Black: evans is trying to talk to prongs but hes just giving her heart eyes

Sirius Black: she just asked if hes in her french class and he SQUEAKED

Sirius Black: day 13. james has still not spoken a word of english to evans

Sirius Black: day 27. hes said “mfngggg” instead of yes the stupid git

Peter Pettigrew: Fucking hell im still in this stupid mother son bonding thing for another half hour

Sirius Black: MOTHER SON BONDING

Sirius Black: siri set a reminder to mock peter later

Sirius Black: lupin just took the tea and evans has revealed shes in a BAND

Sirius Black: prongs has found his voice (!) and hes making the aziz ansari :D face which, unfortunately, makes him look like a total prat

Peter Pettigrew: Rookie error

Sirius Black: she just told him they’re called the stiff dylans and he just nodded really seriously and said “great name” im going to knock him out if only to stop him embarrassing himself further the stupid git

Sirius Black: fun facts about lily evans: she plays bass and she thinks james has brain damage probably

Sirius Black: JAMES JUST INADVERTENTLY TOLD HER SHE HAS REALLY BIG HANDS AND SHE WAS DEADASS LIKE

Sirius Black: “……………………okay”

Peter Pettigrew: BIG HANDS

Sirius Black: HER CAT just came out and prongs has jumped on the opportunity my boy he did it he managed to steer his way onto a topic he knows something about

Sirius Black: more fun facts about lily evans: her cat is called elizabeth bennet and she thinks james has brain damage definitely

Sirius Black: evans laughed at “we just call him sir jeremy but his real name is sir jeremy cattington the third, prince of purrsia and king under the meowntain” thank god

Sirius Black: he told her about how he used to take sir jeremy on walks by the beach but he ate his collar and his lead why is he like this

Sirius Black: prongs my man you sound like an eharmony profile gone wrong

Sirius Black: she mentioned hr sister,,,,,,,,,,,petunia

Sirius Black: the evans parents had a thing for matching names me and evans have so much in common

Sirius Black: FLEAMONT JUST WALKED IN PETE I CANT BELIEVE U ARENT HERE I SWEAR TO GOD YOU COULD NOT WRITE THIS

Peter Pettigrew: Noooo omg

Sirius Black: monty: “james????? what are you doing here? you hate vegetbles”

Sirius Black: james: “haha dad you’re so funny but of course i LOVE vegetables as we all know”

Sirius Black: monty: “james. the last time your mother tried to serve you broccoli you threatened to run away from home”

Sirius Black: james: “haha i was a picky kid, wasn’t i”

Sirius Black: monty deadass just looked right at evans and said “james that was wednesday” that man is my Hero

Sirius Black: lupin literally ducked behind the counter so prongs couldn’t see him laughing the lucky git prongs is glaring daggers at me

Sirius Black: evans is giving him the WORST pitying look omg poor jam he looks like he did when chelsea lost the final last year

Sirius Black: evans is gone holy shit i cant believe u missed this pete

Peter Pettigrew: :(

James Potter to Sirius Black: how am i ever going to be able to face her again ??????

James Potter: i love my dad but he can be so beyond the valley of the thick sometimes

Sirius Black: he wasnt that bad

Sirius Black: i dont think evans even took any notice

James Potter: are u SURE my dad hasnt ruined it ????

Sirius Black: j

Sirius Black: it was reaaaally fab

James Potter: fabbity fab?

Sirius Black: with knobs on.

Sirius Black: besides im sure evans will understand

Sirius Black: all parents say stupid things sometimes

Sirius Black: shell probably like u more bc shell feel bad uve got a dad who’s BEYOND bonkerdom

James Potter: you’re right

Sirius Black: i kno :~)

James Potter: i love you but don’t ever send me that face again

Peter Pettigrew to James Potter: I can’t believe you told evans she has big hands

James Potter: you werent even THERE

Remus Lupin to Ace Gang :~): anyone seen black

James Potter: hes in detention

Remus Lupin: what for this time

James Potter: handing out onions at assembly

Peter Pettigrew: The onions from sunday??

Sirius Black: no peter, a completely different set of onions

Peter Pettigrew changed the group name to Sirius stop being mean to me.

James Potter to everyone be meaner than usual to peter: what the fuck is evans doing with snivellus

Sirius Black: wot

Peter Pettigrew: We just walked past them and it looked Really Bad

Peter Pettigrew: She was holding his hand

James Potter: what the FUCK has he got going on that i dont

James Potter: this is fucking ridiculous. snape. who the fuck does he think he is

Remus Lupin: ill see what i can find out at work on monday

James Potter to Peter Pettigrew: is it weird to like evans’ band on fb if we’re not friends

Peter Pettigrew: Just fucking add her dude

Sirius Black to James Potter: look ive been doing some thinking and if u rly want 2 impress evans ur gonna have 2 up ur snogging game

James Potter: what the fuck

Sirius Black: dont argue im the best judge of this

Sirius Black: ur like. ok at kissing but i feel like u could b better

Sirius Black: there’s a kid on andy’s block who does snogging lessons after school his name is frank and hes a 7 maybe 7 and a half if u don’t wear ur glasses

James Potter: what is wrong with u

Sirius Black: u say that like ur not gonna look into it

James Potter: fuck off

Peter Pettigrew to the queen does NOT wear a 44DD: Hes just gone in

Peter Pettigrew: Cant believe neither of you came you missed OUT

Remus Lupin: what happened

Peter Pettigrew: He knocked on the door and this bloke came out and like. Objectively and all but he is Fit™

Peter Pettigrew: And he looked prongs up and down and was like

Peter Pettigrew: "I dont usually do boys but christ if you dont look like the saddest git ive ever seen"

Peter Pettigrew: I gave him a thumbs up on the way in

Remus Lupin: cant believe i missed it

Sirius Black: how did u get the tm thing like that

Peter Pettigrew: Copy it and save it as a keyboard shortcut

Sirius Black: ™™™™™™™™™™™™™™™

Peter Pettigrew: Stop

Sirius Black: no™

Remus Lupin: what have you done

Sirius Black to James Potter: so its like THAT is it ??????????? my kissing not good enough for you ?????????

James Potter: babe

James Potter: ur my first kiss ull always hold a special spot in my heart

Sirius Black: i need time

James Potter: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO TOLD ME ABOUT LONGBOTTOM IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU TWIT

James Potter, Snogging Sensation to i, sirius black, am giving james potter the cold shoulder: he put on careless whisper

Sirius Black: WHAT

Sirius Black changed to group name to i, sirius black, am now only giving james potter the lukewarm shoulder.

James Potter, Snogging Sensation: and hes from saliva CITY hes got nothing on u babe i promise

Sirius Black changed the group name to in light of new information, james potter and i, sirius black, have reconciled.

Remus Lupin changed the group name to Ace Gang.

Sirius Black: buzzkill

James Potter to gasolina is a Bad Song: mum’s got a promotion???????

Remus Lupin: tell her congrats

James Potter: it’s back in india though??????????????

Remus Lupin: oh

Sirius Black: you’re not moving are you

James Potter: i honestly don’t know

James Potter: im freaking out

James Potter: come round please

Peter Pettigrew: Holy shit

Peter Pettigrew: Ill pick everyone up

James Potter: they’re ruining my life and they still won’t let me have a party

James Potter to Rip in pieces james’ life in england: i have a plan

Remus Lupin: here we go

James Potter changed the group name to don’t message me in that tone of voice lupin.

Sirius Black: whats the plan

James Potter: evans likes cats. i like cats. i have a cat. and if that cat got lost i would be distraught. and if evans knew how upset i was shed help me find him.

Sirius Black: but sir jeremy isnt lost

James Potter: evans doesnt know that OBVIOUSLY

James Potter: honestly sirius sometimes i think youre half boy half turnip

Remus Lupin: jesus christ

James Potter changed the group name to im warning you lupin.

James Potter: i “””lose””” sir jeremy but you lot have him at the park then when u see us coming u let him loose and evans will chase him down and shell feel like a hero and shell get so caught up in the euphoria of the moment that shell kiss me and realise that we’re perfect for each other

Remus Lupin: ur insane

James Potter removed Remus Lupin from the chat.

Peter Pettigrew: You GUYS you KNOW im in english right now

Sirius Black: ffs peter just turn your phone on do not disturb when ur in mcg’s class

Peter Pettigrew: But i always forget to turn it back

James Potter to Sirius Black: i went round her shop but she said she was too busy helping her mum

Sirius Black: rip™

Lily Evans has sent you a friend request. Accept / Decline

Lily Evans to James Potter: begged off work. kno id be devo if i lost lizzy. wher r u?

James Potter: the beach

Lily Evans: be there asap x

James Potter to Sirius Black: plans back on

Sirius Black: oh okay

Sirius Black: small prob™ sir jeremy actually got loose

James Potter: she ended her message with an x

James Potter: does this mean she likes me

James Potter: wait WHAT

James Potter to Lily Evans: thanks so much for your help on sunday

Lily Evans: it was my pleasure. even if your cat IS mental.

James Potter: im telling him you said that

Lily Evans: noooooooooo

James Potter: so

Lily Evans: ominous.

James Potter: are you glad you moved to eastbourne?

Lily Evans: i guess. it's pretty chill

Lily Evans: have u always lived here?

James Potter: yeah

James Potter: its called gods waiting room

James Potter: because people come here to die

Lily Evans: ur being dramatic.

Lily Evans: i heard eastbournes the new brighton.

James Potter: yeah

James Potter: as if

Lily Evans: idk i like it here. its more peaceful than derby and the beach is soo good for ~song writing inspo~

James Potter: what do you write ur songs abt ?

Lily Evans: idk. life

Lily Evans: the universe

Lily Evans: how reality tv’s brainwashing us

James Potter: wow

Lily Evans: ikr

James Potter: careful, you’re starting to sound like my dad

Lily Evans: i dont mind so much, your dad’s pretty cool.

James Potter: ????

Lily Evans: he comes into the shop a lot.

James Potter: oh my god

James Potter: promise you wont take anything he says about me seriously

Lily Evans: no problem aha

James Potter: what about your dad? does he work in the shop too?

Lily Evans: no, he’s :/

Lily Evans: he died.

James Potter: oh. im so sorry, lily.

Lily Evans: its okay. its why my mum moved us out here and opened up the shop.

Lily Evans: she always wanted one

Lily Evans: eastbourne is such a step back from derby and i like it because it means me and petunia can keep an eye on her you know?

James Potter: i think i understand why you like it here

James Potter to evans showed prongs her O face: mum and dad are fighting about india again

Remus Lupin: fuck

Sirius Black: ):

Peter Pettigrew: )):

Sirius Black: stop trying to one up me, pettigrew

Frank Longbottom has sent you a friend request. Accept / Decline

James Potter to longbottom has the hots for prongs: mum’s just left

James Potter: so thats that then

Peter Pettigrew: Drinks at mine?

James Potter: yeah

James Potter to Remus Lupin: will you mention how shit snape is and how good i am when ur on shift with evans today

Remus Lupin: no you sad git i will not

James Potter: remus i LOVE her

James Potter: ill buy you a twix from the vending machine

Remus Lupin: alright

Sirius Black changed the group name to twix are grim.

Remus Lupin changed the group name to twix are grim but not as grim as curly wurlys.

Sirius Black: you’ve really hurt me, lupin

Remus Lupin: good.

James Potter to Remus Lupin: ???????????

James Potter: ur off shift now did you talk abt me ???????

Remus Lupin: no

Remus Lupin: and i already ate the twix so dont ask for it back

Peter Pettigrew to evans thinks snape is a clingy sod #confirmed: Watch out prongs

James Potter: for what

Remus Lupin: for that, i assume

Sirius Black: im in lunch detention what happened

Remus Lupin: longbottom’s making a come on at james

Sirius Black: McYikes

Remus Lupin: “why havent you accepted my friend request?” – longbottom

Remus Lupin: “because were not friends” – james

Sirius Black: james ur gonna get urself decked one day

Sirius Black: so can u stop being a little shit when im not around to watch thanks

James Potter: no promises

Remus Lupin to twin peaks season 3 fan theories club: sirius can you link me to that compilation video of diego luna saying he wants to touch jabba the hut

Remus Lupin: i want to show it to lily at work this afternoon

Sirius Black: ya sure

Sirius Black: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGKrc3A6HHM

Remus Lupin: if i follow that link and it isnt to the video i asked for im not going to be your partner for the history assignment

Sirius Black: ………………..

Sirius Black: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDU3PojzaHk

Remus Lupin: thank you

Peter Pettigrew changed the group name to Gasolina is banned from the group playlist.

James Potter to Gasolina (INCLUDING all derivative remixes reimaginings and covers) is banned from the group playlist: EVANS LIKES STAR WARS

James Potter: ???!?!?!?!??!!!!!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

Remus Lupin: james that was three hours ago get with the times

James Potter: but i was at P R A C T I C E

Sirius Black: too bad so sad

Remus Lupin to Peter Pettigrew: WHOA

Peter Pettigrew: U watching from chem window?????

Remus Lupin: ya what just happened??????????????????

Peter Pettigrew: Snape tripped up james on the way to goal

Remus Lupin: is he ok??????

Peter Pettigrew: Hes got a bloody nose but hes okay

Remus Lupin: i meant snape

Peter Pettigrew: O na

Peter Pettigrew: I think james is gonna murder him lol

Sirius Black to marauding fools quote unquote minnie mcgonagall: mary mcdonald in the year below is having a party tomorrow night n i charmed her into giving us all invites

Sirius Black: well, she invited ME and i guess u lads can come as my collective date

Remus Lupin: im already invited

James Potter: me too

Peter Pettigrew: She invited me three weeks ago

Sirius Black: i got invited after PETTIGREW ????????? who the fuck

Sirius Black: Im Not Going™

Remus Lupin: yes u are

Peter Pettigrew: Yes u are

James Potter: yes u are

Sirius Black: Yes I Am™

Peter Pettigrew to Ace Gang: Why did you tell her i lost a SOCK ??????

Remus Lupin changed the group name to kickstarter to find peter’s missing third sock.

James Potter: i had to say SOMETHING

Remus Lupin: james, ever ridiculous under pressure

James Potter: besides, YOU’RE the one who pushed us behind a bush as if she would have thought it was weird that we at SCHOOL

Peter Pettigrew: I panicked

Peter Pettigrew: Lily said she thought snape tripping you was a dick move though

James Potter: trying to distract me by mentioning evans, huh???

Peter Pettigrew: Is it working

James Potter: i wish i could say no

Remus Lupin: id like to point out lily also said you should go up for the school team

Remus Lupin: so she clearly doesn’t care enough about you to know that you’re already. captain

Sirius Black: lupin stop being a flaky bitch

Sirius Black: thats my job

Peter Pettigrew to pres at james’ because its closest to mary’s NOT because its in any way a superior house to any other house accessible 2 the group: Did i just hear ur dad call u a minger

James Potter: if u have 2 ask u already kno the answer

Sirius Black: In Fleamont We Trust™

Sirius Black to party boiis: PRONGS IS THAT YOU OUTSIDE WITH FRANK LONGBOTTOM

James Potter: he fucking ambushed me

James Potter: evans didn’t see did she ?????????????????????????

Peter Pettigrew: Nah dont think so

Sirius Black: hes lying she absolutely did

James Potter: fuck this im going home

Remus Lupin to Sirius Black: i swear to god if you’re the one who just put on gasolina im blocking you

Sirius Black: (:

Remus Lupin: we arent friends

Remus Lupin to James Potter: me and lily are going to the pool this afternoon

Remus Lupin: 2:30pm

Remus Lupin: in case you wanted to coincidentally turn up

James Potter: what so i can aggravate her by drowning snape?

Remus Lupin: snape isnt coming

James Potter: oh. why not?

Remus Lupin: probably afraid of water

James Potter: explains why he never washes

Remus Lupin: lmao

James Potter to Sirius Black: me and moony are going to the pool and you’re coming

Sirius Black: as in the public pool????????

James Potter: obvi

Sirius Black: excusez-moi, c’est très grotesque

Sirius Black: im NOT going to the public pool little kids pee in that and the chlorine makes my hair go all frizzy

James Potter: i cant believe you’re abandoning me, your best friend, in his time of greatest need

Sirius Black: and you say IM dramatic

Remus Lupin to Ace Gang: what happened after we left yesterday???????

James Potter: idk it was weird

James Potter: we did handstands and she made fun of my pale legs ): then she tried to drown me but in like a ~playful~ way

James Potter: and i told her im not with frank longbottom in any capacity and she said “well that’s good then”

James Potter: and then she kissed me

Sirius Black: SHE KISSED YOU

Sirius Black changed the group name to EVANS KISSED JAMES EVANS KISSED JAMES EVANS KISSED JAMES EVANS ! KISSED ! JAMES !.

Remus Lupin: get in !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peter Pettigrew: Result omg

James Potter: but then she said she had to go sort some stuff out and that she’d text me

Remus Lupin: oh, james

James Potter to Sirius Black: evans should text soon then that’s sorted and we should step up the party plans

James Potter: we’ve got so much left to sort

James Potter: venue, fashion statements, colour scheme

Sirius Black: you should do black and white

James Potter: ! marvy

James Potter to Remus Lupin: what does it mean when a girl kisses you and says she’ll text you does it mean she’ll /text you or does it mean she’ll message you on facebook

James Potter: because there’s a big difference

James Potter: remus ???????????????????????????

Remus Lupin: james its 4 in the morning

James Potter: so???????? ur awake arent u ???????????????? what does it mean ??????

James Potter: remus uve kissed the most girls u have to know

James Potter: remus

James Potter: remus please

Frank Longbottom has sent you a friend request. Accept / Decline

James Potter to Sirius Black: i need a drink

Sirius Black: what happened????

Sirius Black: im omw btw

James Potter: mum called and she wants me and dad to move out to india with her

James Potter: dad doesnt want to go but he also doesnt want to be away from mum any more im freaking out siri i might actually move back to india what the fuck

James Potter: and on top of that longbottom showed up at my house and tried to apologise how did he even get my address

Sirius Black: im here come open the door

Alice theLaugh to James Potter: is it tru that ur gay?

James Potter: idk i dont reckon

Alice theLaugh: didnt think u were, lily said u werent

James Potter: really? what did she say ???????????

Alice theLaugh: just that she knows 4 sure u arent

Alice theLaugh: are u going to the stiff dylans gig saturday?

James Potter: not sure yet

James Potter to Sirius Black: she kissed me and then left me on read at 3:45

Sirius Black: aw :/

James Potter: shut the fuck up

James Potter: she didn’t even tell me abt her gig in brighton

James Potter to james’ wet dream about evans: sirius i cannot believe you told my father about lily evans

Sirius Black: thats not fair

Sirius Black: u kno monty has an uncanny ability to get info out of me

Sirius Black changed James Potter’s nickname to the naff boy who had the sad party that no one went to.

the naff boy who had the sad party that no one went to: stop taking advantage of my vulnerability !

Remus Lupin to Everyone sign up for hindi on duolingo out of solidarity to james: watch out lads james has his plan face on

Remus Lupin: brace for impact

Peter Pettigrew: Oh geez

James Potter: fuck off then lupin i wont tell u then

James Potter removed Remus Lupin from the chat.

James Potter: now that we’re alone

James Potter: im gonna make evans jealous

Peter Pettigrew: Im afraid to ask how

James Potter: im going with alice the laugh to the stiff dylans gig

Sirius Black: christ james that’s pretty shitty

Sirius Black: that was lupin

Sirius Black: i say first, what could possibly go wrong

Sirius Black: second, what the fuck is alice the laugh’s real last name

Sirius Black: ive known her for 6 years and i dont know what it is

Peter Pettigrew to Friends Of James Potter Support Group: Say aye if ur completely unsurprised to learn i just overheard james respond to alice the laugh telling him he looks good tonight with “thanks, you’re very honest”

Sirius Black: aye

Remus Lupin: aye

Peter Pettigrew: “Alice you make me laugh like a loon on loon tablets”

Sirius Black: #yikes

Sirius Black: i have the shot

Remus Lupin: take it

Alice theLaugh to James Potter: i had a great time tonight

James Potter: haha me too

Alice theLaugh: best night of my life x

James Potter: o.k. see you at school on monday

Lily Evans to Sirius Black: so ur the one who put on gasolina at mary mcdonald’s party.

Sirius Black: what makes u say that ?

Lily Evans: you shouted “play gasolina” no less than 11 times last night.

Sirius Black: that doesnt sound like me

Sirius Black: are u sure it wasnt lupin ?

Sirius Black: that worldly bastard he sure does love puerto rican music

Lily Evans: i just texted him and he said “im surprised sirius even knows what puerto rico is”.

Sirius Black: fucker

Sirius Black to James Potter: oi cheer up

Sirius Black: what are you thinking about?

James Potter: poor alice

James Potter: i keep seeing her face when she tried to kiss me

James Potter: god i feel like such an arse for leading her on

James Potter to Alice theLaugh: you okay? you looked pretty upset in maths

Alice theLaugh: hope your plan worked

James Potter: what?

Alice theLaugh: marlene mckinnon overheard black telling lupin that you only went out with me to make lily jealous

Alice theLaugh: you’re a heartless user

Alice theLaugh: what you did, that’s just pants, that is

James Potter: i’m really sorry, alice

Alice theLaugh: i really thought you thought i was a laugh

Sirius Black to James Potter: i told you im sorry

Sirius Black: are you really going to ignore me over this

Sirius Black: like for real james pull your head out of your arse for twenty seconds and realise how shitty you’re being

Sirius Black: all your scheming and pretending

Sirius Black: honestly it’s no wonder evans never fucking texted you

James Potter: don’t talk to me again.

Lily Evans to James Potter: you’ve really pissed off a lot of people.

Lily Evans: alice is really cut up. she’s my mate, james.

James Potter: i didnt mean to use her.

James Potter: you never texted me when you said you would

Lily Evans: i handled it really badly, i know

Lily Evans: things got messy

Lily Evans: i didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

James Potter: so you were thinking of breaking up with snape and then you were gonna text me?

Lily Evans: lmao what

Lily Evans: severus and i aren’t together.

James Potter: but you hold his hand

Lily Evans: i hold marlene’s had too but that doesnt mean im dating her.

Lily Evans: you know how much he hates you and it makes it hard, james, but yeah, i was gonna text you.

Lily Evans: and then i saw you with alice at my gig and i was gutted.

Lily Evans: but that’s different now.

Lily Evans: i thought YOU were different than that james but you’re not, you’re just some fuck off rich kid who only thinks about himself.

Lily Evans: i think it’s probably best if you don’t message me again.

James Potter to Remus Lupin: had a talk with lily. turns out shes not actually with snape.

Remus Lupin: i actually do not care, james. work things out with sirius or fuck off.

James Potter to Peter Pettigrew: i think i might have just gotten my mum fired

Peter Pettigrew: Go on, i guess

James Potter: i went to her office and talked to her boss and i think i just made things worse

Peter Pettigrew: Yeah, you’re getting pretty good at that

James Potter: i guess i am, yeah.

James Potter: im cancelling the party and ive told dad i want to move to india

James Potter: if either of the others ask

Peter Pettigrew: I’ll pass it on.

James Potter to Lily Evans: hi.

James Potter: i know you didn’t want me to message you again and i don’t blame you for that but i have to say this and then it’s done.

James Potter: what you said really hurt, but you were right. it wasnt me. it was beyond pants, and i really am sorry. i messed everything up with you, and with alice and with sirius and i guess i just got caught up in my own idea of how our lives should be and i got carried away

Lily Evans: i cut all ties with severus last night.

James Potter: oh.

Lily Evans: yeah.

Lily Evans: you know, i wrote a song about you.

James Potter: really?

Lily Evans: its called Bitch In A Uniform.

Lily Evans: i wrote it when i was pissed off with you.

Lily Evans: but i still like you, james. even though you’re mental.

James Potter: no you don’t

Lily Evans: i do.

Lily Evans: i cant stop thinking about you. i was hoping

Lily Evans: maybe

Lily Evans: we can go out?

James Potter: oh, fuck

Lily Evans: ?

James Potter: im moving to india

Lily Evans: what the fuck is wrong with you

Lily Evans: you’re so

Lily Evans: random

James Potter: 100% legit this time.

Lily Evans: that’s a goddamn shame.

Lily Evans: im at the beach if you wanted to come hang out.

James Potter to Sirius Black: feels really shitty without you

James Potter: im so so sorry

James Potter: can you ever forgive me?

Sirius Black: ur gonna have to buy me at least 16 curly wurlys

James Potter: its done.

Sirius Black: happy birthday you massive tosser xxx

joe to the jonas brothers: operation stun-the-pants-off-james-with-an-amazing-surprise-party is a go

joe changed the group name to Friends Of James Potter Support Group.

nick: oh thank GOD

kevin: I was wondering how long you’d hold out

nick: you’re both so stupid

James Potter to prongs is finally legal ;): cant believe all you wankers are busy tonight

James Potter: like i know we were all in a fight but you ALL have plans ????????

James Potter: dad’s taken pity on me and is taking me to a club this is the saddest 18th ever

Remus Lupin: sry fam

Peter Pettigrew: Lol

JAMES POTTER’S SUPER SECRET 18TH BIRTHDAY PARTY Private º Hosted by Sirius Black and 2 others.

312 going º 167 maybe 27 March 19:30 – 28 March 8:00

Details james is a prat but hes our best friend so lets all get together and show him that being legal to drink doesnt take away the fun of it !! event will have an open bar courtesy of mr & mrs p

theme is black and white !

only one rule : DONT TELL JAMES ABOUT IT anyone who does will be blacklisted from the party loool good luck telling your grandkids about how you didn’t get to come to the most important party of our generation

Peter Pettigrew to Fleamont Potter: The eagle has landed i repeat the eagle has landed

Fleamont Potter: Thanks son :~) Jem’s going to be so excited to see his mum.

Fleamont Potter: We’re up on the balcony by the bar, send her our way :~)

Peter Pettigrew: Will do, sarge

Lily Evans: happy birthday xxx hope you like ur present.

James Potter: my present?

James Potter: OH MY GOD

James Potter: YOU WROTE ME A SONG ?!?!?!

James Potter: lily evans i honestly think i love you

Marlene McKinnon to Remus Lupin: we can’t hear properly from up the back what did snape just say

Remus Lupin: “james potter is a girl-nabbing letch who can’t keep his slutty minx hands off other peoples’ girlfriends”

Marlene McKinnon: WHAT

Remus Lupin: “you’re just a big fat minging minger with horridious eyesight and the opposite of a haircut”

Remus Lupin: don’t worry, black’s filming the whole thing im sure it’ll be on youtube asap

Sirius Black to Ace Gang except all of us are legal™ now: id be lying if i said i remembered anything past monty and effy swing dancing

Remus Lupin: im fairly certain i walked in on frank longbottom and alice the laugh fucking in the mens

Remus Lupin: but i, too, am fuzzy on the details

Peter Pettigrew: I woke up at the lido. No idea how i got there

Remus Lupin: i just found this in my camera roll

Remus Lupin set a photo.

Peter Pettigrew: What the fuck

Remus Lupin: i have no memory of taking this and im glad of that fact because the camerawork here is shameful

James Potter: YOU’RE KIDDING

James Potter: YOU DON’T REMEMBER PETER FINDING A RAT IN THE BINS BEHIND THE CRICKET CLUB

James Potter: AND NAMING IT INIGO MONTOYA

James Potter: PETER YOU STILL HAD IT WHEN I LEFT YOU FOUR HOURS LATER

Peter Pettigrew: I mean that definitely sounds like me

James Potter changed Peter Pettigrew’s nickname to cryptid: ratboii.

cryptid: ratboii: Cheers

cryptid: ratboii: Where did you get to, anyway?

James Potter: me and evans went to the beach

Remus Lupin: cuuuuuute

Sirius Black: and you didnt invite ME

James Potter: sirius you were passed out by 11 o clock

Sirius Black: WHAT

James Potter: yeah, evans poured you a quadruple shot of jager after you played gasolina through your iphone six times in a row

Sirius Black: you convinced me to drink JAGER??????????!?!?!?!??!!!!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?

James Potter: i told you it was sambuca black and somehow that was okay with you

Sirius Black: wtf™

James Potter added a life event. DIDN’T move to India 56 likes

James Potter commented: love reacts only pls

Peter Pettigrew commented: A N G E R Y R E A C T

James Potter replied to Peter Pettigrew’s comment: ???????

Peter Pettigrew to James Potter: I did duolingo every day even though ur not actually moving and im not gonna let it go to waste

Peter Pettigrew: बकरी मेरी प्रेमिका है

James Potter: peter you know i. cant read hindi i can only speak it right

Peter Pettigrew: ):

James Potter: i showed mum and she laughed and said it was cute

Peter Pettigrew: (:

Sirius Black shared a video to James Potter’s timeline: “Stiff Dylans performance interrupted by GREASY RACIST exclusive”

Lily Evans commented: tag urself im the girlfriend

Remus Lupin commented: im peter in the background trying to get out of the shot but sirius keeps moving so hes still in frame

Sirius Black commented: im prongs’s slutty minx hands

James Potter commented: im the look on snapes face when lily kisses me

Peter Pettigrew commented: Im james drawing attention to the fact he conned lily into kissing him because he thinks weve all somehow missed him telling us every two seconds for the last three days

James Potter is in a relationship with Lily Evans. 346 likes

Peter Pettigrew commented: Love react

Sirius Black commented: jealous react

Remus Lupin commented: L O V E R E A C T

#jily #james potter #lily evans #jily*#harry potter #hp #fic #angus thongs au #angus thongs and perfect snogging #ataps #my writing

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themoneybuff-blog · 7 years ago

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Helping Mom apply for Social Security -- More complicated than it needs to be?

My mother turned seventy a couple of weeks ago. This means a couple of things: First, shes reached the age at which she can receive maximum retirement benefits from Social Security.Second, its time for her to start taking Required Minimum Distributions from her retirement accounts. If youve been reading Get Rich Slowly for a while, you know that these two routine tasks are less than routine for my family. My mother has fought a long-time battle with mental illness. After a crisis in 2011, my brothers and I realized that she could not live alone. We found a highly-regarded local assisted living facility that specializes in patients with memory issues. (Mom has some sort of cognitive disability that includes memory loss, but which the doctors have been unable to diagnose.) For the past seven years, Mom has lived at Happy Acres in a comfortable apartment with her cat (Bonnie) and her television. When I see her, I often ask if theres anything more she needs or wants. She assures me that this is all she needs to be happy.

At this point, Mom struggles with routine personal hygiene, so theres no way she can take care of tasks like signing up for Social Security or taking withdrawals from her retirement accounts. As her sons, thats now our job. (And were happy to do it.) You might think that this process would be easy but youd be wrong. I suspect that in most cases, getting retirement benefits started is easy, but its much less so in our situation. A Little Bit of Kafka At first, my brother Jeff and I thought that setting up Social Security would be simple. He and I both have Power of Attorney. Were accustomed to this allowing us to breeze through most financial tasks as if we were Mom herself. In March, about a month before Moms birthday, I spent an afternoon at the local Social Security office. I took all of the documentation that I could gather. I arrived to find the waiting room was packed with other folks applying for benefits. It was standing-room only. Rather than get frustrated, I sighed and resigned myself to waiting. And wait, I did. I waited for two hours before my number was called. (It was all fine, though. I spent the time absorbed in a good book.) When my turn came, I sat at the desk and talked to the clerk. Im here to apply for Social Security benefits for my mother, I said. Is your mother with you? the clerk asked. No, I said. But I have Power of Attorney. I pulled out the paperwork to offer proof. The clerk waved her hand and shook her head. The Social Security Administration does not recognize Powers of Attorney, she told me. To conduct business on your mothers behalf, you must be a designated representative, a legal guardian. What does that mean? I asked. For all practical purposes, it means you probably should make an appointment to bring your mother in with you. Thats going to be the easiest thing to do. Okay, I said. But shes not really going to be able to carry on a conversation or to make an informed decision about anything. Still, lets make an appointment. Even if shes not mentally fit, she has to be the one who applies in person, the clerk said. She clicked at her keyboard, searching for appointment times. Im sorry, but we dont have any appointments available. I was puzzled. Let me get this straight. Mom has to apply in person. To apply in person, we have to make an appointment. But there are no appointments available? Well, there three other options, the clerk said. She can do what you did today and wait in the lobby. She can call each morning to see if there are any cancellations. Or she can apply online. However, she has to apply herself. You cant fill out the application for her. Ill admit that I was both baffled and a little steamed. Shes not able to fill out the application herself. Shes not capable, I said. I dont think its a good idea to have her wait here with me for two hours as a drop-in. And calling the day-of to get an appointment is problematic. It would take roughly three hours from the time I called in order to get her here. The clerk shrugged. I dont know what to tell you, she said. Those are your three options. Skirting the Law When I returned home, I called my brother to explain the situation. I feel like theres no way we can get this done, I said, unless we fudge things a little. What do you mean? he said. Well, theres no way for Mom to complete the application hereself, right? Legally, shes required to. But what if we completed it for her while shes in the room? Im okay with that, Jeff said. And thats what we did: Jeff and I sat with Mom and worked through the online Social Security benefits application. Much of the application asked for standard stuff, such as age, mailing address, and so on. It was easy for us to answer those questions. But some of the questions required sleuthing. To set up Moms online Social Security account, for instance, we had to puzzle out a battery of questions drawn from her credit history. (Solution? Just pull a free credit report, which youre allowed to do three times per year.) To actually complete the benefits application, we needed to figure out important dates regarding her marriage and her work history. Whenever we reached a question that stumped us, we asked Mom for the answer. She never had the answers, though, so we had to dig through various documents to find the info. After a couple of hours, wed finished the application. We asked Mom to type in her name for the digital signature. (Even that was tough for her.) The process was overor so we thought. About a week later, we got a letter in the mail from the Social Security Administration. Thank you for contacting us for an appointment to visit our office, the letter read. This is confirmation of the date and time of your appointment. What in the world is this? Jeff asked me. We never made an appointment for Mom. I have no idea, I said. I thought wed done everything we need to do at this point. But Ill tell you what. It sounds like we have a firm date and time for an appointment, so lets just take it. We may be duplicating our efforts, but thats okay. Im willing to sacrifice a few hours of my time just to make sure everything is correct. Return to Purgatory Jeff handled everything with the assisted living facility, arranging for Mom to have an early breakfast, and getting her approved to take a field trip. His wife showed up yesterday morning just to make sure everything went according to plan. Meanwhile, I left the house at 7:30, stopped by the family box factory to pick up supporting documentation, then headed to Happy Acres to pick up Mom. When we reached the Social Security office at 8:55, there was already a long line at the door. Theres no way were going to get inside in time for our nine oclock appointment, I thought to myself, but it turns out I neednt have worried. When the office opened, a security guard summoned folks with appointments to the front of the line. Mom and I went inside to meet the clerk who would be conducting the interview. Our clerk was both friendly and helpful. He was also meticulous and business-like. At first, he directed his questions to Mom (as he should have), but when it became clear that Mom couldnt answer for herself, he addressed me instead. Weve received your mothers application for retirement benefits, the clerk told me. But shes also eligible for survivors benefits. Thats what todays interview is about. We want to get her set up in the system so that she receives everything shes due. The clerk interviewed us for about twenty minutes. Unfortunately, we werent able to answer all of his questions because we werent prepared for them. When did Dad die? I remember that date very clearly. When were Mom and Dad married? I dont know off the top of my head and Mom can no longer remember. Do you have a copy of their marriage certificate? the clerk asked. No, we do not. Ah, youll need to get a certified copy and mail it to me in order to complete this process. How do I do that? I asked. Youll need to contact the Department of Vital Records in whichever state she was married, he said. Once you get a certified copy, mail it to me in this envelope. After we have all of the documentation we need, benefits will begin a few weeks later. To Be Continued Last month during my road trip through the southeastern United States, I stopped to visit my pal Cameron Huddleston in Bowling Green, Kentucky. Huddleston, a personal-finance columnist, has experienced something similar herself. Her mother has Alzheimers, so Huddleston has had to learn to manage her money. And, in fact, she just signed a deal to write a book about managing your parents money. Its kind of a boring topic, but its important, Huddleston told me. Its something that more and more people are wrestling with, especially as lifespans increase and personal finances become more complicated. She hopes to produce a useful guide to help people like me figure this stuff out. From what we can tell, nothing like this exists right now. Its like each person in my situation has to re-invent the wheel, to puzzle through the process on our own each time. Im eager to be the first person to buy Huddlestons book! Obviously, my family still has work to do. From what we can tell, Moms application for Social Security retirement benefits has been accepted and now its simply a matter of waiting for payments to begin. (This can take up to three months, apparently.) Meanwhile, in order for her to receive survivors benefits, we need to track down a copy of her marriage certificate, which I suspect is going to eat another couple hours of my time. Thats a task for this afternoon, I guess. Plus, I havent even started talking to Vanguard about how to take Required Minimum Distributions from Moms IRA. We have another 5-1/2 months to solve this piece of the puzzle. (RMDs must begin by the time the account holder is 70-1/2 years old.) Im going to wait until the Social Security benefits are finally flowing before I move on to the IRA. One final task? The next time I see that Mom is having a lucid day, I want to ask her what we can buy her to improve her life. She says shes content sitting in front of the television with a cat in her lap, but I feel like there must be something more we can do for her. Maybe get her a second and third cat? Maybe get her a super-deluxe television? Or how about buying a fancy chair with built-in massage? Mom has some money now. Itd be awesome to use that money to give her a better life. Important footnote: Dad died in July 1995. Mom has missed out on 23 years of Social Security survivors benefits because we werent aware that she should apply for them. Thats crazy! Do you have any literature on survivors benefits? I asked the clerk at the Social Security office yesterday. He have me a few pamphlets. Soon, Ill read all of this material and write a short blog post summarizing the most important pieces. https://www.getrichslowly.org/applying-for-social-security/

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themoneybuff-blog · 7 years ago

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A brief history of U.S. homeownership

During the month of May at Get Rich Slowly, were going to turn our attention to home and garden topics. To start, I want to take a brief look at the history of the U.S. housing market. Some folks might find this dry. I think its fascinating. Private land ownership is baked into the U.S. culture and Constitution. Its part of the material plenty we expect from the American Dream. For most Americans, homeownership implies success and freedom and wealth. But for a long time, homeownership was the exception rather than the rule. Only farmers were likely to own land and a house during the countrys early days. With the coming of the Industrial Revolution, homeownership became more common for urban dwellers. Still, less than half of all Americans owned their homes until the late 1940s. Heres how U.S. homeownership rates of changed over the past 128 years according to the U.S. Census Bureau and the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis:

The current U.S. homeownership rate as of January 2018 is 64.2%. Im sure you could write a doctoral thesis on the reasons for the growth of homeownership over time. Im not going to do that. After several hours of research into the history of mortgages and the real-estate industry, I feel like we can summarize everything in a few paragraphs. This article which is information-only will serve as background for future Get Rich Slowly discussions about homeownership. In the Beginning During the 1800s, most folks had no way to own a house. They didnt have the lump sum required to make the purchase, and banks wouldnt lend money for average people to buy homes. Mortgages didnt become common until the U.S. banking system was stabilized following the National Bank Acts of the 1860s. After this reform, banks began to experiment with lending money for homes, and by the 1890s, mortgages were popular across the U.S although not precisely as we know them today. A typical mortgage in the early 1900s might have a term of five years and require a 50% down payment. Plus, they were usually structured with interest-only monthly payments and a balloon payment for the entire principal at the end of the term. Borrowers could (and did) renegotiate their loans every year. Compare this to modern mortgages, which usually have 30-year terms and require a down payment of only five to twenty percent. (I bought my first home in 1993 with a down payment of less than one percent!)

These early mortgages worked fine until the Great Depression. When that crisis hit, banks had no money to lend and the average borrower had no cash either. As a result, potential homeowners couldnt afford to buy, and many existing homeowners defaulted. (At one point during the 1930s, nearly 10% of all homes were in foreclosure!) Note: This article originally appeared at Money Boss in April 2016. Ive updated text-based stats through 2018, but graphics-based data is two years old. However, nothing material has changed in the past 24 months. Bubbles and Booms To stabilize the housing market, the U.S. government created the Home Owners Loan Corporation in 1933, the Federal Housing Administration in 1934, and the Federal National Mortgage Association (now Fannie Mae) in 1938. These institutions helped to arrest the housing crash and, eventually, spur homeownership to new heights. But it was the G.I. Bill of 1944, which provided subsidized mortgages for World War II veterans, that changed the face of the housing industry and the American economy. From encyclopedia.com: The GI Bills mortgage subsidies led to an escalated demand for housing and the development of suburbs. One-fifth of all single-family homes built in the 20 years following World War II were financed with help from the GI Bills loan guarantee program, symbolizing the emergence of a new middle class. As homebuying became more common (and more complicated), real-estate brokers helped sellers find buyers for their homes. The National Association of Real Estate Boards adopted the term Realtor in 1916. As the housing market boomed during the 1940s and 1950s, so did the real-estate profession. By 1950, for the first time in American history, more than half of all Americans owned their homes. As demand for housing increased, so did prices. For 25 years, Yale economics professor Robert Shiller has tracked U.S. home prices. He monitors current prices, yes, but hes also researched historical prices. Hes gathered all of this info into a spreadsheet, which he updates regularly and makes freely available on his website. This graph of Shillers data (through January 2016) shows how housing prices have changed over time:

Shillers index is inflation-adjusted and based on sale prices of existing homes (not new construction). It uses 1890 as an arbitrary benchmark, which is assigned a value of 100. (To me, 110 looks like baseline normal. Maybe 1890 was a down year?) As you can see, home prices bounced around until the mid 1910s, at which point they dropped sharply. This decline was due largely to new mass-production techniques, which lowered the cost of building a home. (For thirty years, you could order your home from Sears!) Prices didnt recover until the conclusion of World War II and the coming of the G.I. Bill. From the 1950s until the mid-1990s, home prices hovered around 110 on the Shiller scale. For the past twenty years, the U.S. housing market has been a wild ride. We experienced an enormous bubble (and its aftermath) during the late 2000s. It looks very much like were at the front end of another bubble today. As of December 2017, home prices were at about 170 on the Shiller scale. What caused the housing bubble during the last decade? And whats feeding the current buying frenzy? Thats a great question, and its open to debate. Some folks blame loose lending standards. Some blame a lack of government oversight. Some blame real-estate speculators. Some blame the American propensity for consumption. Some blame cheerleading from the real-estate industry. Me? I think its a little of everything.

Bigger Everything! Naturally, increased home prices and increased ownership rates brought increased mortgages. During the past fifty years, long-term mortgages with large balances became more common until now theyre the standard. Between 1949 and the turn of the twenty-first century, mortgage debt relative to total income of the average household rose from 20% to 73%, and from 15% to 41% relative to total household assets. One reason mortgage sizes have increased is that housing sizes have increased. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the median size for a new home built in 1973 was 1525 square feet. By 2016, that number had jumped to 2422 square feet. In those forty years, kitchen sizes have doubled, ceilings have risen more than a foot, and bedrooms have grown by more than 50 square feet. But home sizes are ballooning even as households are shrinking! The average household had 2.9 people in 1973. In 2016, the average household had 2.5 people. Lets run the numbers: Forty years ago, we had 526 square feet of living space per person; today, we have 969 square feet of living space per person. To me, this seems crazy. Why do we need such huge houses? Whats the point? And do homeowners truly consider the costs when they choose to buy big? A larger home doesnt just carry a larger purchase price. It costs more to maintain. It costs more to light, to heat, and to furnish. For too many people, big homes are the destroyer of dreams. (Im not joking. I truly believe this.) Full disclosure: In the past, Ive been guilty of pursuing home-size inflation myself, although I eventually came to see the error of my ways. My first house (purchased in 1993) had 1383 square feet. My second house (purchased in 2004) had 1814 square feet. That was peak bigness for me. The condo I sold last year had 1547 square feet. And the house we moved into last July has 1235 square feet. I think about 1000 square feet is ideal, but Kim likes having the extra room. Im not saying you should live in a shack. Nor am I suggesting everyone should own a tiny home. But I believe its important to be logical when it comes to housing. Remember that size comes with a price. If you need the space, buy it. If you dont, youre better off saving your money for something else. The Bottom Line Housing is by far the largest expense in the typical budget. According to the U.S. governments 2016 Consumer Expenditure Survey, the average American family spends $1573.83 on housing and related expenses every month. Thats more than they spend on food, clothing, healthcare, and entertainment combined! Here at Get Rich Slowly, Im adamant that one of the best ways if not the best way to improve your cash flow is by cutting your costs on housing. Remember, your goal is to manage your financial life as if you were managing a business. If you were looking to balance the budget at a company you owned, you wouldnt do it by trying to trim the small expenses. No, youd tackle your biggest expenses first. If you reduce your labor costs by 5%, for instance, you might be able to save $50,000 per year. But saving 5% on office supplies would probably only save you $50 per year. The same principle applies in your personal life. If the typical American household cut their grocery budget by 5%, theyd save only $200 per year. If they cut housing by 5%? Well, theyd save $900 per year. So why do so many people put so much effort into clipping coupons while continuing to shell out for more home then they can afford (or need)? Good question. In the weeks ahead, Im going to explore different pieces of the housing equation. When does it make sense to rent? When does it make sense to buy? Is it better to prepay your mortgage or to keep it forever? How can you determine how much home you can afford? If you have a specific question about housing and money, please let me know! https://www.getrichslowly.org/homeownership/

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