#(*I hope y’all read this autotuned)

[dj-yonds-fort]

MEOW B)

[beautifulpersonpeach]

BPP I have been thoroughly wrecked by Yoongi. HIS VOICE? HIS CHARISMA??

My god. He's been your bias since debut?! You're strong woman. How did you do it?? One concert and I'm ready to bear kids for him. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

/gen

*

Ask 2: I'm sorry!!! But look at this!!!! twitter com/sujimschim/status/1652517741226790913 looolll I think army's gonna be okay (pun intended lol) Sorry I think I'm having a post wlive high right now. lol Also did you hear about that insanely lucky army who got Yoongi video on their phone AND got to sit next to Jimin during the concert?! Like WOW. I'm amazed. Isn't that harder than the lottery?? lol Ok I'll really stop. Have a good night!!

*

Ask 3: A TO THE G TO THE U TO THE STD

*

Ask 4: Yoongi looks SO GOOD IN WHITE T WALKING DOWN THE HALLWAYYYYYYSSSSSS?!@#@!K?!@! THANK YOU JIMIN FOR SCOLDING YOOOONNNNGGGGIIIIII!!!!!!!!!

*

Ask 5: I love how Yoongi sticks to his first iteration of Sorry for being cute choreo. That choreo is becoming a lore of its own. yoominforlife lol Also OMGGGG his concert haegeum performance is gonna be LIT. I personally really love the name of the song and all the word play that's hidden inside it

*

Ask 6: i want to fuck yoongi till the paint peels off the walls i need to suck his thick fat cock clean empty, gobble his midas balls till i gag and after that read him my deontological critique of neitzche's assertion that god is dead. because god is well and truly alive and i just sucked his balls dry. i was lost and stupid in the wilderness of my ignorance of his divine hotness. i doubted your mind for your esteemed love for him. i was foolish but he has made me a believer. i want to be shoooshed by yoongi. then fuck him till he blacks out. consensually.

sorry. pls don't hate me bpp yoongi just drives me so fucking insane.

*

Ask 7: D-Day tour setlist is INSANE. Banger after friggin baanger Bpp! Have you tried to rank Suga's songs before? All his solo songs too can you rank them Bpp?

***

Hi Anon(s),

Anon in ask 2, your link. And yeah, that person was super lucky. 💜

I need to confess to y’all. I caved and got myself an earlier ticket. Usually, I buy my tickets for later in the tour to give myself time to calm down and adjust. I’d have spoiled the setlist for myself, listened to it ad infinitum till the lyrics were ingrained and my hormones were in equilibrium. But this time I couldn’t wait till the Cali dates, (still going). I had to see Yoongi tonight.

And Christ, I have ascended.

I know I will not be coherent, I’m already trying to self censor as I write , but I want to get this out here because many of you have sent me asks about him, some I know I can’t post ever, so I’m hoping someone else gets it whatever it is I’m tying to say.

…

Yoongi is so beautiful.

Yoongi is a rock star, and I mean that in a literal sense. He makes rock music, thinks like a rock star, and sings like a rock star. His live renditions of Amygdala are the perfect example of this. Pairing screamo rock in the chorus with the guitar solos in the outro, everything about Yoongi's vision for that song is centered around liberation, a value that's inherent to a rock star.

*

(Yes. That’s the objective correct answer.)

I laughed reading all your asks btw. (Anon in ask 6, I see you, I get you, and I don't judge you.) Ranking Agust D's songs is impossible for me. My personal taste is screamo rock and dirty trap or drill, I like songs with distinct percussion, lots of guitars, and/or distortion, voice cracks, autotune, etc. Artists like Nirvana, ONE OK ROCK, Kendrick Lamar, Twenty One Pilots, and Jimin give me bits and pieces of that sound, but no one in BTS knows how to scratch that itch for me better than Yoongi.

He’s just the right kind of insane to speak my language.

The duality that shimmers around Jimin like a mirage and is central to his magnetism, where you can’t be sure of who, what, exactly you’re looking at - man, woman, child, king, snake, panther, cat, metal, silk, fire, ice - all in one. That duality, lives in Yoongi’s music.

It’s elsewhere too, but it lives in his music. Even underneath all of that, he just makes some of the best music around.

That beat change at the end of Shadow? That's music tailor-made for me. Cypher Pt 3, AGUST D (the song), What Do You Think?, Trivia: Seesaw, the live performances of HUH?! and Amygdala are a revelation. All his music sounds perfectly made for me.

I honestly have no choice but to love him.

(I have no words when it comes to Yoongi.)

I won’t exactly rank his music here. I’ll discuss some of my favourites based on things like production, message, flow, feel, etc. Maybe.

Production

724148

This song is criminally underrated. I mean it's a crime more people aren't screaming from the rooftops about how crisp this track is. Listening to 724148 was the first time it really hit me how brilliant Yoongi is as a producer.

So Far Away ft Suran

You need to listen to this song on good speakers. It will change your life for the better. Do that, then come back here and tell me how you feel.

Burn It ft MAX

You know, when I heard the live performance of this song, I called a friend to help me re-calibrate my speakers. To recreate that feel. The production on the song is insane. Not to mention Yoongi's flow in the second verse.

Amygdala

The guitars are placed and layered perfectly. I love how forward the drums are in the mix. The autotune is one of my favourite things about it too. The entire song is perfect.

Daechwita

Am I the only person who hears the same static in the song intro that continues faintly in the foreground for the entirety of the song? As though you're entering a glitch. It's so sick. The main/central beat doesn't vary much, all the texture comes from Yoongi's adlibs. And he does an excellent job elevating it to something more.

*

(It truly embarrasses me that I cannot allow myself to talk about him. He’s that… much.)

Flow / Delivery

You've all seen me go on and on about Jimin's vocals. About how much Jimin's voice is the catalyst for ecstasy when I listen to BTS's music. But Yoongi's voice affects me just as strongly, if not more, in a very different way.

I’m a sucker for the kitten. That insane high pitched thing he does drives me to the limits of my sanity. But he’s also a natural baritone. A nasty one at that. You can hear it in the music he makes. And that’s my kryptonite.

Have you listened to HUH?! Like, really listened to it? Do you hear his flow from 1:08 - 1:15?

Do you hear how disgusting this brat is?

Fuck.

Let’s just move on.

Some favourites where his flow, delivery, switch-ups, is frankly ridiculous:

Shadow

Burn It ft. MAX

AGUST D

HUH?! ft j-hope

Cypher Pt. 3

Aside, the instrumental of this track, along with Cypher Pt. 4, Dionysus trap remix, Danger MMA 2019 version, and We Are Bulletproof Eternal, is incredible.

*

Feel

Honsool

Making a list based on pure vibes, Honsool has to show up. Yoongi captured the unmoored, untethered feeling of drifting through haze, distilled and crystalized into Honsool. Genius.

Give It To Me

What Do You Think?

HUH ft j-hope

Tony Montana ft. Jimin

I'm a sucker for the grit in their voices in this song. The live version specifically.

(He’s such a problem for me y’all…)

*

Not to get into this, but he also does sweet, poppy songs too. Some faves being That That, Amygdala, People, Trivia: Seesaw…

He is a true artist.

And nothing is hotter than that.

*

Message

I started writing this long paragraph about the themes in his music and stopped because I’ve really gone on long enough. I’m barely keeping it together here. I just saw him lose his mind with happiness at the ARMY who disguised her iPhone as a Samsung. That wide smile on his face is still replaying in my head. I’m happy he’s happy, because he’s made me so happy.

Anyway, some fave tracks I reach for, for their message:

5 - Strange ft RM

4 - UGH

3 - Snooze ft Ryuichi Sakamoto & Woosung

2 - Amygdala

1 - People

In a class of its own, I have to mention The Last. That song is a reckoning and wake up call. It's everything and I'm forever proud of Yoongi for making it.

*

Have y’all imagined what the concert will be like in 2026? Have you really sat down to think about what it could look like? Because I have. And it looks like pure bliss. No matter what is happening in the world at that time, I must see BTS.

It’s a decision I made last June, but Yoongi on this tour has breathed fire into that desire. He’s made me want him, crave his sound, daydream of his music playing in my head…

If I could I would’ve sued this man already.

Anyway, Anon in ask 1, welcome to getting wrecked by Yoongi. He is layer upon delightful layer of loyal, creative, tortured beautiful genius hovering just on the edge of insanity. I’m hopeful that he completes his tour as planned, enlists as planned, serves as planned, and is discharged and back to BTS as planned.

In the meantime, I’ll fully enjoy the time he’s spending with us and the music he’s making for us. I’m happy y’all are joining me in this too. 💜

[taetaespeaches]

“It’s a story for the grandkids.”

yoongi x reader (or oc) genre: fluff word count: 2K

a/n: ok so this was inspired by my best friend Mads’ fear of spiders. I also got a request a while back for the first “I love you” for the min/kid couple, so I threw that into this. Basically, reader gets scared of a spider and Yoongi is amused, endeared, and in love. It’s just soft (and for once a lil chaotic) min/kid y’all. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy! :)) 

oh also, this drabble is what takes place after Yoon leaves Namjoon’s studio to go see his girlfriend in, “OH, you’re jealous!”  -that drabble is not at all necessary to read this drabble, it’s just a fun fact for those of you who are interested. Ok, enjoy! 

SLUMPED against your headboard, your chin tucked into your neck, you waited for the next video in your YouTubed liked videos to start auto-playing. You lamely chuckled at the autotuned voice in the video saying, “Ohhh my gosh. There is literally soap EVERYWHEEERRRRRE,” as the person filmed a scene showing soap spilling onto the kitchen floor from the dishwasher.

Your boyfriend had texted about five minutes ago saying he was almost to your apartment, and to say you were excited was an understatement. You’d been dating the man for a little over two months and you’d grown quite fond of his sweet soul and calm demeanor. Fond… also an understatement.

Due to busy schedules, you hadn’t seen him all week and you were very much in need of some Min Yoongi, even though you knew you’d both just end up napping together. Your thoughts were pulled from your boyfriend at the sound of the voice in the video saying, “it’s like an ice cream dispenserrrr,” making you chuckle again.

As a video started playing of a sheep riding shotgun in a car wearing sunglasses, who apparently “wants to go see the ladies” baaa’d out the window at more sheep, you couldn’t help the giggles that spilled from your lips. However, when a black spot on the wall that was just in your line of vision moved, the video was instantly forgotten as you tossed the laptop to the bottom of the bed, jumping up onto your knees as you peered at the moving thing to see what it was.

Is that a fucking spider?! Panic set in and you stood up on your feet atop your mattress as squeals started spilling from your mouth. The arachnid was massive, and it was crawling down the wall toward the floor in an effort to attack you, obviously.

“Ohhhh my fucking god bitch,” you breathed out to yourself before running in place on your bed in a burst of adrenaline and panic.

At that moment, you heard the front door shut, alerting you to your boyfriend’s arrival. Little did you know Yoongi was cursing you for leaving your front door unlocked again, and little did he know you were in full panic just a few feet away.

As Yoongi kicked his shoes off, he was startled by you shouting out his name desperately. “Yoongi, oh my god, I need you to get in here now please,” you cried out. Confused, he hurried through your apartment, getting to your room with his eyes blown wide, finding you standing on your bed. Looking up and down your frame, which was adorned in his hoodie, he held his arms out in question.

“What the hell is happening, are you ok?”

“There’s a massive spider there and it’s crawling toward me,” you yelled at your boyfriend as you pointed across the room at the floor.

“A what?” He questioned, realization hitting him but not yet believing you would make such a scene over an eight-legged bug.

“A spider, Min, a devil spawn,” you told him before squealing, wrapping your arms around yourself as you cringed.

“Jesus christ,” he breathed out. “What the hell is wrong with you?” he asked, placing his hands on his knees as he caught his breath. “You’re gonna give me a goddamn heart attack.”

“Yoongi,” you whined, sending him a look of disbelief. “Don’t relax, now is not the time for relaxing, just kill it.”

Yoongi allowed his lips to curve up just the slightest as he stood up straight. “Why would I kill it? It didn’t actually attack you.”

“Yeah, because you got here and—”

“And what?” He teased, a chuckle building up in his chest.

“It’s feigning innocence,” you told him, fully aware of how ridiculous you were being, but your heart rate was still through the roof and you wanted that thing dead. Yoongi’s shoulders shook in laughter as he smiled his gummy grin at you. “Don’t laugh,” you complained, “it didn’t crawl down from wherever the hell these devil spawn come from to attack you in your room, you don’t get to laugh.”

“You’re such a baby,” he chuckled, “Where is it, Kid?”

“Where?” You asked in shock, “Where is-- it’s right there,” you pointed, “Can’t you see it? It’s practically the size of my head,” you yelled in exasperation.

Pausing from the current situation, Yoongi looked toward your laptop asking, “what the hell are you watching, Kid?”

For the first time since spotting the spider, you looked toward your laptop which had continued auto-playing your liked videos and was currently playing a video called, “The Divine David - The World Is Burning, Let's Masturbate!”

The person in the video, wearing an excessive amount of makeup and speaking in a rather posh voice, called for everyone to… well, masturbate.

“Let’s, let’s, let’s, singularly, on our own, ALL TOGETHER COLLECTIVELY, in celebrassion, in celebrassion of life, don’t be a stranger, the world’s burning…” the person spoke against a chaotic pulsing beat, both you and Yoongi taking a moment to watch the video for a few seconds.

“What? It’s a video,” you shrugged nonchalantly, Yoongi’s eyes lingering on the video for a moment longer as you stared at him watching his smile widen before shaking his head and turning back toward the spider.

Speaking through a chuckle, Yoongi questioned, “the size of your head, huh?”

Crossing your arms at his teasing, you shot him a glare. “Yes, the size of my head. Not yours though, nothing could ever be that big.”

Yoongi sucked air between his teeth at your playful insult, shaking his head. “Terrified from a measly little spider and you’re still making fun of me,” he smiled fondly. “Fuck, I love you.”

Wait what?! Love? Did he just—stunned and speechless, before you could call him out on his confession and before he even had time to realize what he just said, he jumped back a bit in surprise.

“Oh shit, why is it so big?” He questioned.

“I told you!” You insisted, momentarily forgetting the unplanned and unnoticed confession, making sure to take your opportunity to tell the Min Yoongi you did indeed tell him so.

Scanning the room, he spotted your slipper and quickly scooped it off the floor, wielding it as a weapon as he shuffled toward the monster. For the first time since your boyfriend’s arrival, you found yourself smiling. Yoongi was just so cute, trying to play brave but inside cowering at the sight of the spider.

When the spider moved a little toward Yoongi, he jolted with a small yelp, bringing the slipper down in a loud hit, smashing the spider against your floorboards. Not even looking at you, he took the slipper out of your bedroom, you just staring through the door as you listened to him shuffle around your bathroom before returning with a few tissues.

He wiped the remnants of the spider up and waddled out of the room, you stepping off your bed to follow him, his confession from just a minute ago being the only thing on your mind. As he washed his hands, giving one last cringe at the thought of the arachnid, you watched him with a soft smile.

Leaning against the doorway, you stared at his reflection in the mirror, and when he looked up and caught your gaze, he gave a shy smile. “What?” He asked.

“So, you love me, huh?” You teased him, your smile wide and adoring as you watched his facial expression shift to one of surprise.

“What?” He said in shock, his mouth shaping into an ‘o’, his eyes wide, making him look adorable and innocent, and so so confused.

“You told me in there,” you said softly, suddenly becoming shy right along with your boyfriend.

A blush met Yoongi’s cheeks as he looked down at his hands, shutting the water off and drying his hands on the towel. A soft smile overtook his features as he asked, “I did?” Turning to look at you, he met your gaze as you nodded.

“Mhmm,” you hummed, stepping closer to the bashful man. When you were within his reach, he grabbed the material of his hoodie that you wore, pulling you to him. Wrapping his arms around your waist, your brought yours around the back of his neck.

“Hi,” you whispered in response to the new proximity to him, Yoongi smiling softly.

“Finally a proper greeting,” he teased. “You need to start locking your door, I don’t know how many—”

“Yoongi,” you complained with a chuckle.  

He let out a single breathy laugh, before looking from your face to the hoodie strings that rested against your abdomen. “That’s not how I planned on telling you,” he told you, with a shy smile.

Cocking your head, you smiled, your heart pounding against your chest. “How did you plan on telling me?”

Shrugging, he smirked. “I don’t know, maybe in the throes of passion or something.”  

You giggled at the comment as Yoongi’s lips spread into that adorable gummy smile you loved so much. “Well, despite the fact that you weren’t rocking my world when you told me, it was perfect,” you told him just before leaning forward and kissing his lips sweetly. Pulling away just slightly, you looked at his lips before resting your forehead against his.  

Yoongi’s hands squeezed the sides of your abdomen as he rubbed his nose against yours gently. “I’m in love with you, Kid,” he confessed through a soft smile.

Pulling away from him so you could scan his features, your fingers toyed with the hair at the nape of his neck. “And I’m in love with you,” you replied, your eyes locked on his own.

His lips found yours again, deepening the kiss but keeping is soft and passionate as he pulled your body flush against his own. Breaking the kiss, he told you again, “I love you so much.”

Smiling, you placed another peck to his mouth. “You’re such a honey boy,” you teased him, Yoongi chuckling in response.

Pulling you into a hug, you nuzzled your face against his neck, giggling against his skin. “Can we just go take a nap or something, I did just battle a massive devil spawn for you.”

“My hero,” you cooed, kissing his jaw before pulling out of his arms and grabbing his hand, leading him to your bedroom.

Yoongi plopped on your bed as you grabbed your laptop, preparing to shut it off as a Klaine scene from the show Glee was playing. To be specific, it was a scene in which Blaine brings home a bedbug infested couch and they have a total freakout.

“Hey, it’s us,” you pointed to the video as you looked at Yoongi. He watched the scene for a moment before chuckling, shaking his head.

You shut down the laptop and crawled into bed with your boyfriend, allowing him to wrap his arms around you. Yoongi had been in the studio all day and you could feel his breath becoming slower and deeper as sleep began to overtake him. However, at a sudden realization, you couldn’t help but giggle as you drew circles against his t-shirt covered chest.

“What?” He asked, tucking his chin into his neck to look down at you.

“You confessed for the first time with the ‘let’s masturbate’ video playing,” you laughed, looking up at him just in time to see him sigh deeply.

“Well, fuck,” he mumbled, though a small smile was toying on his lips.

“Let me just say again, the confession was perfect,” you grinned, craning your neck to place a kiss to his jaw.

His eyes closed as he pulled you just a little bit closer to him, letting out a deep breath as his body relaxed. “It’s a story for the grandkids,” he said with a grin.

“Ah yes, slaying spiders and masturbation,” you smiled as you shut your own eyes, nuzzling your face against his chest. “Grampa Min is quite progressive.”

Yoongi chuckled at your comment, his hand squeezing your hip. “Go to sleep, Kid.”

[soundwavereporting]

*insert catchy text post title here*

So! WFC Siege thoughts, now that I’m home from work and slightly more awake.

Under a cut because spoilers (obviously) and because I rambled:

Soundwave (which is my usual metric for judging anything tf) is pretty much what I expected him to be, which is...not much. lmao. I’d half expected him to sound like autotuned Hazbin Hotel Alastor, so having the flat voice was almost a shock, but honestly it kinda fits his not having a personality, except for that one line and him once again getting the brain cell of the Decepticons. But honestly, rarely does Soundwave have an explicit personality that doesn’t require digging into supplemental material and rewatching/rereading the media to find a few snippets of characterization from which to spin a whole character, so really it’s nothing new. No. I’m not bitter at all. Do I sound bitter? Also. I want to know what happened to him. Did he get blown away by the Ark’s engines????

However

I am SO INTRIGUED by the tiny hints given about Soundblaster...why was he made...what does Soundwave think of him? I don’t care about the war anymore. I just want a whole show about Soundblaster. I want a novel. I want a whole series. PLEASE Hasbro. PLEASE.

IRT the actual conflict between Autobots and Decepticoons......I’m gonna admit I breathed a sigh of relief when there was some actual effort into making the conflict actually dimensional, rather than ‘good Autobots vs evil Decepticons’. Maybe I’m still burned by the tfp discourse but it was so, so nice to see the nods to Functionism, to the class differences between Autobots and Decepticons, etc. And Impactor/Mirage’s argument, with Impactor practically quoting Towards Peace? *chef’s kiss* (and Ratchpactor...good)

However, the fact that the writers couldn’t decide whether to make it a war of ideals (nice) or a war of different races (not nice) left me wanting...I would’ve liked someone to give a full backstory on the OP/Megs/Mags thing, as well as a coherent explanation of...the actual central conflict. Was it initially an ‘us [op/mags/megs/alpha trion] vs them [wfc equivalent functionists]’ that ended with megs going too far, splintering the initial ‘good guys’? Was it something else entirely? As it stands, the conflict feels like it was written by someone who was forced to read the entire IDW1 comic run in a couple days.

The whole macguffin allspark/reprogramming plot is a whole other post (as is the depiction of the female characters) so I don’t want to get into it, but I do want to talk about Optimus, and Magnus, and their honor (aka pride). I love me some moral conflicts but Mangoes....if you can literally end the war by shooting someone in the back, is it not worth it to sacrifice your honor in order to save the lives of your friends, the people you love, and also allow them to keep their ‘‘‘honor’’’?

I know the conflict was probably supposed to be interpreted in a different way, but I can only see it as:

“is your personal sense of honor really worth the lives of your friends. the survival of the species you are so determined to save. (yes)”

(this is why I’d make an absolutely TERRIBLE autobot.)

Also. Optimus blatantly disregarding the (very valid) concerns of his lieutenants because......he loves his friends and has faith and hope...and everyone raises a stink for half a minute and then goes along with him anyway? I understand that he’s not the military leader, but he made patently terrible decisions throughout the entire show.

The decisions worked out, because he’s Optimus and he’s a good guy, but honestly, it might benefit you to take a few minutes to ponder the potential fallout of your actions before putting your plan into place. I don’t think Megatron should be the one telling you to consider the consequences of your actions because you disregarded your lieutenants telling you the exact same thing.

Just saying.

Finally, it’s a first for me, but Bumblebee was a whole #mood, at least until he got the macguffin Alpha Trion protocols and suddenly became all about the Autobots :/

tl;dr I’d give it a solid 6/10. I’m definitely gonna rewatch it again, if only for the Soundwave (and Soundblaster!) parts. I’d love it if the sequel series focused on the people left on Cybertron, but I have a feeling that’s....probably not gonna happen, since. Earth. Eugh. I also really want an actual, thoughtful exploration of the moral differences/reasonings between Autobots and Decepticons, so if anyone has those kinds of fics to rec, hmu. It also means that I’m more determined than ever to finish some of my current WIPs so I can write a fic that attempts to do just that.

Anyway. This got long. If y’all want to chat about the show, I’ll be on for a while, either here or on discord.

ETA: ASTROTRAIN!  I want more Astrotrain asap! He is so huge and looked absolutely terrifying when compared to tiny Prowl. Why did he only get like three seconds of screentime, smh

[alexhatesmusic]

Alex reviews the song Closer by the group the Chainsmokers

The beginning to {insert your favorite crime show here} always unfolds in the same way. Someone is running through the woods, breathing heavily, and looking back over their shoulder. The viewpoint juggles between tight, close-ups to far away landscapes to point-of-view as we watch this character sprint through the wilderness. It becomes pretty evident that this person is running from something, but we never get a clear view of what they’re running from, only that it’s terrifying and evil. The escapee crouches behind a tree/fallen tree/randomunexplainedstructure and we think, “Hey, they made it!” Right as relief washes over the character (and us), the poor soul is stabbed or shot or something and we learn an important lesson: You can never escape evil.

That’s how I feel about the song “Closer” by the Chainsmokers. It had been a few weeks since I had last heard “Closer.” I was enjoying life; a soul-crushing burden removed from me. I let myself believe that I had escaped this song and perhaps I would never hear it again. I thought that maybe (just maybe) I was free.

And then some fuck tagged me in this.

First of all, let’s talk about this band. “From Lambs to Lions???” realllyyy??? You wanted to start a faux-screamo band with your fake-metal friends and your fake-metal aesthetic and overdone haircuts that are now both out-of-style and the go-to Nazi style (s/o Richard Spencer) and you call yourself From Lambs to Lions? 

Okay. 

I would have gone my whole life not knowing who you are, but because you somehow thought “punk goes pop” was still relevant and because someone out there decided, “Hey, Alex would looooooove this,” I have to watch you sing shizzy autotune and do awkward choreographed instrument dances in an empty barn (so very punk). But enough with you.

I’ve been asked before why I don’t like the song “Closer” by the Chainsmokers. Somehow the answer “well, have you listened to it?” isn’t good enough, so I’ll elaborate here. Line by line.

The song starts with what I can only assume is a walrus slapping his fin down on a piano and hitting the same two chords over and over again. A voice pops in nonchalantly and says, “Hey.”

Before we go further I’ve got to note: Some people are really talented. Some people are really, really great at singing. Andrew Taggart of the Chainsmokers is not one of these people. I thought the singing might be coming from the walrus playing the same sparse notes in the background, but upon watching this video, I learned that there is in fact a man behind the voice.

So the song goes:

“Hey, I was doing just fine before I met you/ I drink too much/ And that’s an issue, but I’m okay”

Where to start? Easy knocks: I was doing just fine before I heard this song. I would drink too if I heard your voice on the daily. Blah blah blah. Beyond that, he’s obviously setting up a narrative. There’s a love interest and he drinks a lot.

“Hey, you tell your friends/ It was nice to meet them/ But I hope I never see them again”

Hey again! Not a greaaat way to start off a relationship, telling your so’s friends to fuck off and all, but alright. That last line is super wobbly vocally, but not the worst vocal experience of the track, because that belongs to the following pre-chorus.

“I know it breaks your heart/ Moved to the city in a broke-down car/ And four years, no calls/ Now you're lookin' pretty in a hotel bar/ And I-I-I can't stop/ No, I-I-I can't stop”

We don’t really know what Taggart can’t stop doing (the narrative foundation isn’t super strong here), but if it’s singing, I implore him to just try really hard for everyone else’s sake. 

So the narrative timeline is a bit wonky here. He told the girl’s friends to fuck off, he admits that he’s a drunk and that he was doing a-okay before she waltzed into his life. They obviously moved from somewhere into the famed, archetypal CITY in the famed, archetypal BROKE-DOWN CAR; they haven’t spoken in four years; and, above all, he-he-he can’t stop. He runs into her at a bar, so what’s the logical thing to do next? Hook up.

“So, baby, pull me closer/ In the backseat of your Rover/ That I know you can't afford/ Bite that tattoo on your shoulder”

I guess my biggest thing is: If you own a Land Rover, why are you having sex in the backseat of your car and not indoors like a normal person? Don’t get me wrong, Car and Driver reviewed the LR4 and noted, “The LR4 is one of the few modern vehicles with a genuinely low cowl, and combined with the tall roof it returns the sensation of extreme roominess,” which means there’s probably plenty of head room to get head, but come on, man. You’ve had how many #1 singles and you decide to get it on in your girl’s Range Rover? SHE CAN’T EVEN AFFORD IT! YOU’RE GOING TO GET STAINS ON THE “luxury-lined interior” (s/o Car and Driver). 

“Pull the sheets right off the corner/ Of the mattress that you stole/ From your roommate back in Boulder/ We ain't ever getting older”

So your girl’s a criminal, Taggart. Wow. At least now you’re having sex inside like a normal adult and not like a high schooler trying to hide from your parents. 

So, you haven’t seen this girl for four years and you run up on her at the bar. You hook up, not only in the back seat of her car, but on a mattress that she’s had since college and your excuse is, “We ain’t ever getting older.”

Alright.

Meanwhile, the world’s laziest EDM drop is happening as the walrus continues smashing his head against the same four notes that he’s been hitting all song. 

So, let’s hear what the other side of this relationship has to say. 

Picture Halsey, sitting at the bar, sipping on a (lets say) Irish car bomb and (enter frame) ex-bf walks in. You haven’t spoken in four years. So far we know that you used to go to the University of Colorado, you stole your roommate’s mattress and somehow brought it 1023 miles to what I can only assume is LA. You own a Range Rover that is way out of your price range, your ex is a drunk who can’t sing, and you have a tattoo on your shoulder.

And action!

“You look as good as the day I met you/ I forget just why I left you, I was insane”

Okay, on that last part, make it a present form of the “to be” verb and we’ll talk. Maybe it was because of his alcoholism? Maybe it was he was a dick to your friends? Does he really look as good as the day you met him? It’s been at least four years plus however many years you were together (healthy estimate based on time at Boulder and time in Tuscon (see upcoming lyrics) is that you met at least six to eight years ago). 

What water are they drinking in the archetypal CITY? Are y’all really not “getting older?”

Stay and play that Blink-182 song/ That we beat to death in Tucson, okay

You really couldn’t find a better band to prove that you’re a badass than Blink-182? Don’t get me wrong, “I Miss You” is a hit, but you’re hitting low-hanging pop punk fruit here. 

The worst part though? SHE SINGS FOUR LINES BEFORE THE PRE-CHORUS COMES BACK INTO THE SONG. She’s the redeeming factor of this track. She doesn’t have a terrible voice. She’s pretty and provides the narrative contrast to a so far confusing son. Why in the world are you only giving her four unique lines before shoeing her into the chorus?

“I know it breaks your heart/ Moved to the city blah blah blah blah” 

Same lyrical content over again. You’ve heard this song, so you know it repeats this pre-chorus and chorus another time in a charming (eh) duet before finishing the track in anthemic shouts of “We ain’t ever getting older” over the same lazy beat and same three or four electronic chords that have plagued the entire song.

And that’s the track.

So what does this story tell us? I honestly couldn’t tell you. The narrative is cloudy and the music is too devoid of variety to be able to make anything out.

The best I can tell you is that these are obviously the rantings of a drunkard and his borderline kleptomaniac ex-girlfriend. They find each other again in the archetypal CITY and hook up in a station wagon and that is the song.

This is pop music.

I don’t like this song. It’s lyrically dumb, instrumentally inept, and vocally horrifying. 

That being said, I know a lot of people do (897,256,229 plays on spotify and counting). Honestly, there’s really nothing wrong with liking this music. The music industry has spent decades and billions of dollars engineering pop music to be aesthetically pleasing, so it makes sense that people out there like this track. I just can’t be one of those people.

At the end of the day though, I spent an hour or two typing all of this and I learned something. I really am no better than Andrew Taggart. As I said earlier, “Closer” is just the ranting and raving of a post-hook-up, drunk boy in the city. This review is nothing more than the ranting and raving of a no-hook-up, sober boy in the country. The only difference is I don’t have festival headlining appearances and 39 million monthly listeners. Which, truth be told, is probably for the best.

So that’s that. My review of “Closer” by the Chainsmokers featuring Halsey. If I had to assign it a value, I’d give it a 1.5 star out of 5. If you’ve read this far, god bless you, you crazy person. If you gave up long ago, I honestly don’t blame you.