#((bitches y'all are too good with this trashcan))

[sapphos-corner]

As the Seasons Pass pt. 0: "Early July" ☆ A sapphic fiction story

Synopsis: Genie is experiencing a headache in the form of a cryptic and tense homoerotic friendship. This chapter mainly surrounds that friendship. Genie meets a new friend named Valerie and eventually navigates the transition between her homoerotic relationship and the budding relationship with Valerie. All characters are original characters. This did start as a fanfic but due to certain moral qualms...I have decided to make this into a general fiction story with all original characters. Sorry for any confusion!

Contains: Literally just a confusing homoerotic dynamic between Genie and her friend. The very beginning of a what will become crush between Valerie and Genie.

Warnings: Minors please don't interact with this story. All characters are well over 18 years old.

Word count: 2.6K

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Sabrina<<33: Yeah I invited Joel tonight btw. I've been wanting y'all to meet!!

My first instinct when I read this message is to rip my skin off and go insane. Unfortunately I decided to take a different route, trying not to let this absolute bullshit injustice get to me.

Me: Omgggg I'm so excited to finally meet him!! I should be there in 15ish.

I buckle my seatbelt and grip the steering wheel. I am not prepared to meet this mystery man who also happens to currently be the bane of my existence. I think it may be good for me to see her with him, but it's gonna hurt like a bitch.

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When she opens the door, she seems different. She's dressed differently than usual. She leads me down the hallway to the living room. There he is.

"Hey, it's nice to meet you finally!" I exclaim, smiling and hoping the involuntary twitching of my right eye isn't noticeable.

"It's nice to meet you too!" He smiles at me warmly and waves his hand shyly.

I respond with a simple smile and greet the other roomies. I sit down at the coffee table and Sabrina comes to sit next to me.

"So how are things going with you and that girl?"

"Errrr I'm not really feeling it, I'm probably gonna let her know I just want to be friends." Little does she know, I've over-committed to her to the point where even thinking about dating another person fills my being with the strongest guilt I've ever felt. Wish that was mutual, but here we are.

She attempts and fails to stifle a smirk. She changes her facial expression quickly. Her eyes widen,, her brows lift and her lips part slightly.

"Whaaat, why?"

"I don't really know, she's cool and everything but I just can't see anything happening there."

"Yeah, you could do better anyways, whenever you told me about her I was like--" She scrunches her face in disgust and laughs. She says this about everyone I date.

"Sabrina" Joel calls. She turns around and he reaches his arm out, handing her his trash. She immediately gets up and throws it away for him.

I grimace slightly. This dude is closer to the trashcan than she is. He's not even in the middle of anything, his face has just been buried in his phone so far.

The group finally settles on a movie for the night. Some corny 2000's movie to watch ironically. We all laugh, cringe and gasp in unison as the movie progresses.

I look behind me to see Sabrina resting her head on Joel's lap. I feel like I've been stabbed in the chest fifty times with a dull butter knife. The remainder of the night she's glued to his side, barely bothering to even make eye contact with me.

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I spent the month of May mourning what could've been and accepting the reality of what really is. I know they've been seeing each other for a while, but actually seeing them together was excruciating. Especially because she didn't even seem like herself. She acted so self-conscious the entire night. Hyper-aware of every move she made, looking towards him for approval after every word she spoke.

She isn't who I thought. After so many conversations, I can't believe she's actually settling for a guy who's lame, uninterested in her personal life, and expects her to wait on him. The hours we've spent talking about how we hate dating men because of this exact behavior, and her praising him for not being like that, just for him to be exactly like that but she's too obsessed with him to acknowledge it.

She made her choice, I guess.

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June passes and I'm back at her house for another group hangout. One of her roomies, Charlie lets me in.

"Hiiiiiiiieeee I'm excited to see you! Sabrina went out to get some snacks for tonight but she should be back soon." She gifts me a hug and skips to the upstairs common area. I follow behind her and plop down next to her on the couch.

She cut her hair recently and dyed it back to her natural ash-brown color. She sits criss cross applesauce, and her shirt seems to swallow her entire body. She flips through the selection of titles on Amazon prime, and she settles on Ruby Gloom as background noise.

"Sooooo what have you been up to?" She turns to me, smiling brightly. Her light blue eyes wide and fixed on me.

"Honestly nothing too interesting, I feel like I'm in a weird transition stage of life right now, so it's just been a lot of the same stuff as usual I guess.. How about you??"

"Ugh same lowkey I've been suffering a little cause there's been roomie drama between Gracie and Jorden. I don't know, I just don't think I'm really adjusting well to the change in our environment recently."

"Oh my god yeah, I heard about that, has it gotten any less tense or is it still just...crazy?"

"It's definitely quieter and everyone's trying to keep the peace but it's just weird now, you know?"

"Yeah for sure, I'm sorry to hear that it's impacting you like this."

Loud footsteps start up the stairs and we look towards the entry way as they get closer. Sabrina walks out first, but she has this twisted, disgruntled look on her face. Joel follows behind her and my throat tightens.

"Hey guys!" I smile, trying hard to limit my reaction.

They smile at me awkwardly and she sits next to me on the couch. He pulls up a chair to sit in and buries his face in his phone.

"So, what have you been up to today?" I ask as casually as possible.

She opens her mouth to respond but is interrupted by a knock downstairs and Charlie excitedly popping up. When I look back over, her and Joel are locking eyes and communicating...telepathically? Honestly I can't really describe the type of interaction they're having but it's making me sick.

"Val's heeereee!!!" Charlie’s footsteps travel at lightning speed down the stairs and moments later her and Val appear in the entryway.

I met Val a couple months ago when Sab and I went to visit Charlie at work. They became what seems like pretty good friends rather quickly. She has quite a positive nature, so I'm really happy to see her here.

She sits on the couch opposite from me and smiles at me brightly.

"It's so nice to see you again, I've been seeing some of your posts dude and I love your art."

I can't help but blush a bit and shrug. "Thank you so much! I've been seeing yours too, what's that bar you went to recently? It looked so cool and, like, artsy?"

"Oh my gosh, yeah it's just a little spot downtown, I went for a show that one of my friends was doing, next time she performs I'll let you know and we can go." She responds, smiling with her eyes and I notice her cheeks start to glow with a light pink tint.

I nod excitedly and look back over to Sabrina, who's basically begging for Joel's attention. Joel who has his face buried in his phone. Joel who thinks he's so cool because he pretends to be a meta microcelebrity on instagram. Joel who acts like integrating into his girlfriends life and social circle is beneath him. Joel who won't even look up and talk to his girlfriend at the event she invited him to.

I roll my eyes and look straight at the TV. I'm doing the same thing she's doing. I'm begging for Sabrina's attention. Sabrina who's dating a man that doesn't care about her. Sabrina who thinks the bare minimum is above and beyond. Sabrina who disregards him in private and treats me like her girlfriend. Sabrina who ignores me when he's in the room. Sabrina who holds my hand while she drives. Sabrina who looks at me like I mean the world to her. Sabrina who can't make eye contact with me in public. Sabrina who has made me her backup. Sabrina who uses me to fulfill the emotional needs that Joel refuses to acknowledge. Sabrina who loves me. Sabrina who is ashamed of me.

I watch Ruby Gloom and remain silent. I glance over and listen in on Charlie and Val's conversations throughout the night. Besides those moments, I do my best to tune everything else out because it's not like anyone here is interested in talking to me right now anyways. Basically, I just do whatever I can to avoid looking in Sabrina and Joel's direction.

The energy in the room shifts after Joel leaves the room. I can feel Sab's eyes burning a hole into the side of my face. I turn my head to see her jump slightly and look forward. I look away and spot her head turn back in my direction. This cat-mouse thing continues until Joel steps back into the room.

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"I'm sorry I was kind of quiet tonight, I'm having really bad cramps. I need midol ASAP."

"Tell that man to go out and get you some." I say, half-heartedly joking. Chuckling to ease the underlying aggression.

"I would but I don't wanna be difficult, ya know? I'm gonna make some tea for myself actually. Let's hang out next Tuesday though! If you can."

"Yeah, just let me know what time works for you."

I open the door and she hugs me tight.

"Let me know when you get home."

I nod and turn away from her. When I get in my car, I drive around the block and park. I scream out of frustration and slam my head into the wheel. What the fuck are we doing? What the fuck is she doing?

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I head straight into the shower. Closing my eyes as the steaming water runs over my face. I tilt my head down and stare at my feet. I don't think I'm capable of being loved romantically. The experience of loving me as more than a friend will always be an embarrassment to those who feel it. I will always be a secret, and nothing will ever get off the ground for me. The burning in my chest makes its way to my throat and tears begin to fall. I'm so sick of this. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I'm so tired.

I slip into my bed and scroll through tumblr. At least I'll always have my stupid little blog.

I really need to move past this. I don't think I can keep waiting for her. I kind of want to play with her emotions the way she's played with mine. It's evil, but it's hard to not think about evening the score.

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"Heeeeey!! So I was thinking we could go to this bakery, on me! I've been wanting to take you here for a while."

"Yeah that looks awesome, let's do it!"

She got a croissant with cream filling and an iced americano. I got a strawberry swiss roll with an iced caramel latte.

"Do you wanna try mine?" We say in unison. We trade pastries and bite in. I reach for a napkin to wipe excess cream from the corner of my mouth. Her chin is resting in her hand and she watches me. Smiling endearingly.

We spend three hours in the cafe talking and laughing. We catch up about everything from the last few weeks and talk a bit about last night.

She breaks eye contact while she over-explains her silence last night. She has to know that I know the truth. Her reasons feel avoidant and empty.

"Honestly, you have nothing to apologize for, I totally get it, if i was in your position I would've been quiet too.

She nods her head slowly. Still refusing eye contact, her expression is mixed. A look of relief mashed with a guilty, stifled energy in her eyes. A soft smile on her lips paired with a vacancy in her pupils. She looks extraordinarily haunted.

"Do you wanna go to the park?"

Her head pops up and turns back towards me. Her smile bright and wide.

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We walk up to our usual bench and sit, turned towards one another. My heart jumps a bit seeing her in the soft orange glow of the sun. Her eyes reflect the light and resemble honey. Her teeth are big and pearly white, pairing beautifully with her heart-shaped lips. Her dark brown hair compliments her tanned complexion like no other.

She reaches her hand out and places it over mine.

"You know what would be so cute?"

"What?"

"If we carved our initials into a tree here. I've never seen or heard of anyone doing that in real life."

My face gets hot and I can't help but smile.

"Yeah that would be cool, I have my knife on me, so we could totally do it."

After we settle on the tree, she starts peeling the bark back. I pull my knife out and start stabbing my initial into the tree. I hand the knife to her and she stabs in her initial.

"Should we put a heart around it?" I look over at her, and her face crosses slightly

"Uh, yeah we can put a heart around it."

Afterwards we head back over to the bench and proceed to talk for another three and a half hours. We sprinkle our fair share of gay jokes in. Her usually initiating them, and then seeming uncomfortable when I played along. The whole experience of hanging out with her feels like I'm jumping through hoops and running around in circles.

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I send Joan a picture of our tree initials and caption the message 'what does this mean?' I'm not even through the door when I get a text back.

Joan: Can I be honest with you for a second?

Me: NO!!!! okay yeah

Joan: This is really fucked up. I get that she's confused but confused people tend to hurt everyone around them. After hearing about this for the last few months I gotta be honest and just tell you that I don't really fuck with Sabrina right now. This is actual nonsense and you know that. it's not fair to you and it's not fair to her boyfriend. I get that you have your reasons to not like him but that's still her boyfriend and nothing you do can change that. She's just doing whatever she wants and she's not taking anyone else into consideration. I'm sorry, i get that she's a massive part of your life right now but i can't support this anymore.

Me: Yeah. that's all true. Idk. I wont bring it up again.

I put my phone on the charger and head into the shower. I stand in place and stare at the tiles lining the wall.

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I turn on my side, pulling the blanket up over my shoulder. I open instagram and go to Val's account. I've been thinking about her since I last saw her. I click the button for DM and start typing.

"Hey, it was super cool to see you again!! You're so pretty and nice, you added such a good vibe to the function, seriously."

I wish I had talked to her more, but instead I caught glimpses of her through her interactions with Charlie. She's extremely silly and a tad awkward. I noticed her being a very literal communicator. Charlie would throw her head back laughing and proceed to explain what she meant when Val would get confused.

I smile at the memory of Val's grin, which somehow burned into my brain at first sight. I scroll through my feed and the dm banner pops up across the top of my screen. She replied. My heartbeat speeds up and the corners of my mouth turn up involuntarily.

Val: Omg yesss it was cool seeing u again too. Also ur so sweet n pretty too! Next time we gotta sit next to each other bc we didn't get to talk a lot!

I like the message and click my phone off. This is good, making another friend right now might be a good way for me to build a support system and move past things with Sabrina. Joan was right, I'm very...over this.

[frstbiitten]

//I don’t want to clog up the dash bc... I would feel bad for it bUT 4 minutes later after I see all of this in my inbox and I’m literally in tears, like... guys?? Do y’all know what y’all do to me? @mercurized​ @outworldxwasomi​ @iiblade​ @fiery-assassin​ mad respect for y’all because y’all have been with me since the very beginning or met you along the way, and I think that’s beautiful and I’m so greatful for how much y’all supported me, it means a lot for someone like this crackhead behind the screen to read all of this, especially since I’m hella insecure about what I write and what I show, sometimes I doubt myself a lot and that’s not good (I shouldn’t do that...), but the point is that I appreaciate these words because it means I’m doing something good (... I don’t even know what am I doing....)

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

Chapter 17 The Problem with Mondo

Ahhh I forgot Taka's birthday again I'm sorryyyyyyyyyyyy.

(TMI up ahead, just a warning) Ugh. This has not been a good week, dear god. I started work again, and I am SO GLAD I tend to work with older elementary students, not younger ones. (I work as an after school teacher, for context). But this week, all kinders get out at noon to introduce them to school, I guess, so my after school program has to be open for them, and my supervisor asked me to help out. And these kids are WILD. One of them isn't fully potty trained and, uh, had an accident on the floor. Not number 1, either. Another straight up refused to come to our program, so my supervisor had to stay with him until he was willing to come, all three days, and today I spent an hour with him in the older kid classroom alone to help him calm down. Another had a tantrum so hard (because I asked him to SHARE) that he peed himself yesterday. Which I had to handle, while also handling the kid who pooped himself. And to top that all off, I got sick to my stomach while with the older kids today and had to try and prevent them from realizing I was going to be sick, all while five kids were asking me different questions. I think I was successfully able to distract them from me vomiting in the trashcan so they didn't notice, but there was still the fact that I was feeling unwell thanks to some new medication. And it's ONLY WEDNESDAY MY DUDES.

Ahhhhhh it's fine, it's fine, I'm going on vacation in two weeks and I'll be on a cruise, and I'll be FINE. But yeah, that's my hectic week in a nut shell, and is why I forgot about Taka's birthday. Thank god I put a birthday post in my queue yesterday or I'd have forgotten entirely, ugh.

But yeah, here's the chapter. I hope y'all like! Thanks for the comments, they really do help. <3

You can read the chapter here.

Summary:

Mondo Owada can deal with a lot of shit without any problem. He’s had to in order to survive. An abusive, deadbeat old man. An alcoholic, neglectful ma. The death of his older brother, the only person in this godforsaken world who has ever (and likely will ever) love him. It may have hurt like a bitch and caused him to close himself off emotionally, but he got through it and is still standing strong.

However, trying to sort out the tangled mess of emotions he feels whenever he’s around a certain red-eyed, spiky haired, and impossibly uptight Ultimate Moral Compass? Now, that just might be too much for him to handle.

Companion piece to The Problem with Perfection.

Chapter 17

Read from the beginning

[ao3feed-tododeku]

Your Past May Influence Your Present, but It Doesn't Define Your Future

Your Past May Influence Your Present, but It Doesn't Define Your Future by night of the living trashcan

An almost exclusively future-fic wherein the Commission and the PLF are taken down, and those who are eligible are put into a rehabilitation program.

Basically, I write whatever the hell pops into my head with no pressure from myself or anyone else to finish anything or make it perfect, thereby increasing the amount of fic I actually post instead of hoard. :')

Words: 1068, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: Gen, M/M, F/F, F/M, Multi, Other

Characters: Dabi, Todoroki Touya, Takami Keigo | Hawks, Todoroki Shouto, Todoroki Natsuo, Todoroki Fuyumi, Todoroki Rei, Shigaraki Tomura | Shimura Tenko, Usagiyama Rumi | Miruko, Iida Tenya, Midoriya Izuku

Relationships: Dabi/Takami Keigo | Hawks, Takami Keigo | Hawks/Todoroki Touya, Todoroki Fuyumi & Todoroki Natsuo & Todoroki Shouto & Todoroki Touya, Todoroki Rei & Todoroki Touya, Dabi & Todoroki Rei, Takami Keigo | Hawks & Todoroki Family, Dabi & League of Villains, League of Villains & Takami Keigo | Hawks, Todoroki Fuyumi/Usagiyama Rumi | Miruko, Shigaraki Tomura | Shimura Tenko/Todoroki Natsuo, Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto, Iida Tenya/Todoroki Shouto, Iida Tenya/Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto

Additional Tags: Drabble Collection, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Fix-It, Ficlet Collection, One Shot Collection, are these connected or not, You Decide, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Author Is Sleep Deprived, author is manic, Headcanon, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Family Fluff, Family Bonding, Scars, Dabi Has PTSD, Todoroki Shouto has PTSD, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Coping, Recreational Drug Use, Medical marijuana, why is that not a tag that's bs, Sibling Bonding, Good Sibling Dabi, Good Sibling Todoroki Fuyumi, Good Sibling Todoroki Natsuo, Good Parent Todoroki Rei, Divorced Todoroki Enji | Endeavor/Todoroki Rei, Todoroki Rei has PTSD, but she also had years of therapy so, Therapy, Post-Canon, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, here for a good time not a long time, no beta we die like the men kirishima believes in us to be, Trans Takami Keigo | Hawks, Genderfluid Todoroki Shouto, Agender Dabi, Trans Midoriya Izuku, Autistic Midoriya Izuku, Autistic Todoroki Shouto, Autistic Dabi, cowards y'all need to make that an official tag dafuq, Autistic Iida Tenya, author is autistic, Author is trans, Author is Nonbinary, Nonbinary Dabi, Pro Hero Midoriya Izuku, Pro Hero Todoroki Shouto, Pro Hero Iida Tenya, Civilian Dabi, Retired Takami Keigo | Hawks, Dabi is Todoroki Touya, Dabi is a Todoroki, how did i almost forget that omg, Nightmares, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Healing, we gotta hurt before we can heal aka i love writing angst too much to stop, but i can allow some fluff too, as a treat, (aka allow me to force myself to write happy good things for this family), (they've suffered enough), (i really shouldn't be making things worse :P), Todoroki Enji | Endeavor's Bad Parenting, the bitch is still alive, but he kept his promise to stay the fuck away, as much as i want endeavor dead, if dabi killed him i think that would destroy his chances of reuniting w his family, so I compromised, once a thing is finished being written it is released into the void, i have never had a beta before and i don't plan on starting now

Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23959978

[irinanonyme]

Hyun being called a "nosy bitch" is kinda unfair you people

Tbh it's kind of sad how everyone's turning their backs on Hyun just because he spread a rumor and said something creepy. Y'all over there overanalyzing the plot like it's some big budget Hollywood movie and saying that the writing is shit but the moment a character who's been, so far, lacking any flaws finally gets one everyone flips their shit and starts calling him "nosy bitch" and "hypocrite". Btw I'm talking about a *real* flaw, not something superficial like Candy's "clumsiness" or "unable to concentrate on her studies" while that's not it at all: she's just kind of an airhead and procrastinates a lot but also her job and "friends" ain't giving her time to breathe.

Until just recently people hated Hyun because he was "too nice" and "too perfect" but now that we see *one* bad side of his you guys start calling him names and still hating him even though you were the ones to ask him to get a character flaw? Like??? What the actual fuck guys? What do you want then? Who are the hypocrites now? Y'all can just go ahead and say that you won't like Hyun either way instead of pulling reasons outta your asses everytime he does something right or something wrong. I even saw someone calling him the worst character in mcl? Bro. No. That ain't how it works. This guy is so fucking nice to the point where he left free food to Candy in the fridge knowing that he won't be able to make it to work since he's sick but *still* ended up coming to work with his fever because he was worried and when his roommate wanted to stay with his boyfriend Hyun left the room to them and slept God knows where (also since he has to Skype his parents it seems like his family lives really far away and it's been strongly hinted that the reason why he got the cold in the first place was because he had to sleep somewhere other than his room, so maybe outside or some shit). It's funny how the moment the guy did one thing wrong everyone forgot all his good doings.

And it's not like this is the first time he did something "creepy", you guys aren't even looking into it quite enough yet: not many might know this because you have to select the right options to get this dialogue but when Candy got her job at the cafe and asked Hyun about what he meant by "the other resumes didn't get past the trashcan" (I'm translating this directly from French so I'm not sure how it was in English) Hyun says that he rigged the whole thing and kept only Candy's resume because he wanted to work with someone of his age. So yeah. Ain't the first time he did something wrong in his life guys.

[reader-writer-fucker]

Black Lightning s2e1

Sorry in advance tumblr glitchin bad af 

I hate Tobias

I love this show

I understand why they wanna fire him

Anissa a snitch

I would have to :/

He can't talk to Lynn like that

She is lying tho lol

She bout to get it

This shoot out is cool

Trashcan white girl bout to kill the vice principal

She a traitor tho

That was so cool

She did all that in heels

"Bitch you got my hair wet." that line was delivered by the tripple goddess just for me

She do need a therapist

Its cool to float

Lynn and Jefferson is so cute

They love each other

She came to gamby

What Is in the briefcase

The five heartbeats talking shit to Jeff

Jeff is right tho

So is heartbeat 

thats too close to calling me a house nigga 

OWN? Yikes but like... :/

$500,000.00 y'all wilding

Who spying on jeff and anissa

Lynn is a great mother

I love that dress

I feel bad for Jen

Oh SHIT JEN!!!

Aww shes scared of Jen

Zoom

She gone

I want a roof like that

But alas im a poor millennial who loves bread

Lynn is so awesome

Jeff need to chill

Of course its real dangerous but like

Anissa is a bad bitch

I would have done the same

Fuck them dealers

We all know Anderson knows

Oh shit he bout to tell Jeff he know

Ohhhh

I like this Anderson better than the one from Sherlock

I love this show

Negro

This is so tense

Don't do it

But u didn't

Id die for this show

Is Lynn Thunder? Noo

Yea its Anissa 

Bill big mad 

lynn and jjeff are too cute 

they always end up hunting ppl who are different 

jeff really do need a therapist 

aint nothing dysfunctional about me 

oh reallly yaes 

jen gonna find that money 

it be yo own niggas huh jeff :( 

its probs super greenlight in the brief case 

i love love love that shes in the middle of getting her hair braided 

she got the grease on her hand 

fuck kalil 

u in love Jen 

they aint freaks and its not the end of days 

they packing HEAT 

Anissa got them shook 

priase the lord 

I’m shook 

he like yall thought 

issa alive 

thats yo son bitch  

bitch shut the fuck up 

he got truth telling powers 

its not the end of days 

she need to keep her mouth closed 

but i like her tho :/ 

he need to stop disrespecting lynn or he gone catch these hands 

try to find out then fuck face 

i feel so bad for jen 

but she looks great with the sparkles 

hes such a good dad 

i love ths show more than my first born im sure 

uh oh pay attention jeff 

thats fucked up why close the school 

they just hate black kids 

i feel so bad for jeff like he literally died protecting that school and them kids 

anissa got bank 

jen still floating 

they gone turn the lights on and fuck up her eyes 

he right there lol i fucking cant 

im dead 

damn she a bad bitch 

[viiiorica]

Shit Said @ Disney World Sentence Memes

• "Look at all the people on the road at two in the morning— wonder if they're drunk." • "That man is drunk— or maybe listening to Aerosmith, I can't tell the difference in the head bobs." • "You can practically smell the racism and cheap liquor!" • "You know, every voice recording you hear could be the voice of a dead person." • "Damn, 'It's a Small World' is proof that purgatory is worse than even the Catholics believed." • "Space mountain is the best diet plan— you go in hungry and come out feeling the need to vomit your equilibrium back." • "Wow, the wildlife here really hates you." • "Have you tried singing to the angry squirrels and birds that keep charging at you?" • "I like to try all the ethnic foods at Epcot— like at the Canadian pavilion." • "Just… put the trash over there, it's the saucer of shame." • "Ah, yes, Disney fireworks: the best way to trap a family of four in the pits of hell for only fifteen to thirty minutes." • "Your shirt has gotten more controversy than if you'd worn a Tennessee Vols jersey during the SEC Championships." • "I saw a droid pass by not too long ago— or it was a trash can. I can't tell the difference." • "I will, scouts honor… whatever that means." • "The lights are dimming— either the video before the ride is starting or we are all having a stroke at the same time." • "Control your thoughts, or I will control them for you." • "Sorry, [name], I'm a mom. That stuff hasn't scared me since I forced a small human out of me." • "My therapist has been trying to help me with that for three years now, she doesn't know how to help either." • "I like it when a sign says shit like "may contain alcohol" at Disney. It's like Russian roulette for drunkenness" • "Bitch, put your seatbelt on, this isn't spy kids 2." • "Wait, they have good Chinese food in San Francisco?" • "I mean, they have a slightly large area just for the Chinese— y'know, called Chinatown." • "Does Spanish sign language have certain signs for the little squiggly things so you don't confuse sons and assholes like when you speak it normally?" • "Did he just— fuck, did he just eat part of that apple core." • "Disney is so great, you can trade your bratty hellion out for a brand new, well-behaved child!" • "Ah, yes, stuck on splash mountain… or as I like to call it, surprise baptism." • "I don't think you're supposed tell the storm troopers no when they try to take you in for questioning." • "Oh god, that wine tastes rotted!" • "You know, I'm no lead scientist in alcohol, but I'm pretty sure that alcohol you bought in the spring wine and food festival will probably taste like alcohol." • "You should light his trashcan on fire— can't prove you did that shit!" • "You should light a trash can on fire and put it on top of his grave." • "Lighting trashcans on fire isn't the way to go every time someone slights you." • "I woke up at ten and took a nap at ten-thirty." • "I feel like I've been in a coma for this entire drive home." • "My foot is numb, and I can't tell if it's because of how I slept, or the spider bite on my toe." • "Listen, we already have too many anxiety issues in this house already— we can't have the cat acting out too." • "This brownie tastes like play-doh and sadness." • "You know, when something from a gas station doesn't have an expiration date, it's the first sign you shouldn't buy it." • "Y'all, I lost my glasses two states ago, I'm not the one you want reading the street signs." • "The fact that you thought you had a pimple on your fucking toe should have been the first hint that you had a spider bite, tbh." • "Not gonna lie, I think we accidentally went into the twilight zone halfway through rural Alabama… congrats everyone."