#((I've been super depressed lately and it's not been fun))

[micha-lapin]

I think my suspensions were correct, the headache meds I take interferes with my sleep meds and causes adverse effects, such as being unable to sleep, being shakey, feeling slightly like shit. atleast I know now, though! imma be bringing it up with my mother

[tomssexdoll]

When I was your man

PAIRINGS: Tom 2009 x Female reader CONTENT: ANGST + FLUFF + SMUT SYPNOSIS: Tom and Y/N broke up, after 2 years of dating she finally had enough of his shitty behaviour. Tom starts to see her everywhere and deeply regrets his actions, crying for you every night. One night he sees you at a bar, dancing with another man and he approaches you. A/N: inspired by when I was your man by bruno mars WARNINGS: dom! tom, sub!reader, eating out, alcohol mentions, fingering

Me and Y/N broke up a month ago, she couldn't deal with my shitty behaviour she said, complaining about how I treat her. When I refused to apologise she took her things and left, texting me later that we were over.

As soon as I saw her say that I burst into tears, realizing my shitty actions towards her.

I went to bed that night but it didn't feel right. It was the same bed but it felt just a little bit bigger, more empty without her, cold and lonely.

I hear our song on the radio but it doesn't sound the same. The song we had our first kiss to, lost our virginities to, countless of memories wasted all because of me.

When my friends talk about her all it does is just tear me down, cause my heart breaks a little when I hear her name.

I've been super depressed after the breakup, not being able to sleep properly and not eating. All I wanted was her, to hold her, caress her soft skin, kiss and appreciate her. But she was gone, and I didn't know how long it'd be until I could have her in my arms again.

My pride, my ego, my needs and my selfish ways, caused a good strong woman like her to walk out of my life, and it haunts me everytime I close my eyes.

I couldn't just set my selfishness down for a second, I was a fucking idiot, treating the kindest and most beautiful girl like shit, disregarding her feelings, gaslighting her and neglecting her. I looked at twitter, seeing headlines of her with another guy.

I sobbed and sobbed, crying my eyes out, seeing her already moved on. I knew I deserved it but I wanted her back so badly, she was my everything, my baby, my world. I wish I could turn back time and just start all over again, make her feel like the only girl in the world, make her feel special and loved.

One day I decided to go to a bar and drink my sorrows away, running out of all the alcohol in my house that I drowned myself in. I sat down, ordering a couple shots of whiskey, downing them within seconds.

I turned around to see everyone dancing, sweaty bodies pressed up against each other, making me remember the special moments we shared in this bar, tears welled up in my eyes again.

Then suddenly I saw her, Y/N was there, she was so beautiful, so stunning. Her features glowing from the flashing lights, curves showing off in her sexy dress. My baby was dancing like she loved to do, but she was dancing with another man, he smiled at her, holding her close and kissing her gently.

My eyes widened and I stared there in shock, it felt like the world stopped, like everything went silent. She swayed her hips, grinding into him. She looked like she was having so much fun.

I stepped closer, the lights now hitting me. She turned and looked at me, her eyes widening and her movements haltering. We just stared at each other for a while, she eventually rolled her eyes and excused herself, walking off. I ran after her, calling out for her.

Eventually I grabbed onto her arm, looking down at her "baby..please" I choked out a sob, she pushed me off "get off me Tom, I told you we're over.." she mumbled, not being able to look me in the eyes.

I noticed how she quickly wiped a tear from her cheek, I grabbed her chin and lifted it to look at me, "I know im probably much too late, to try and apologise for my mistakes" I sighed "but i just want you to know, I hope he buys you flowers and holds your hand, gives you all his hours, take you to every party cause i remember how much you loved to dance, do all the things i've should've done..when i was your man.."

Tears welled up in her eyes, she hugged me tightly and sobbed into my chest, "oh tom..I missed you so much" I smiled and stroked her hair. "Let's go outside baby..talk about things better, hm?" I mumbled against her hair, she nodded and took my hand, leading my outside and leaving the guy she was with.

We walked to my car and got in, blasting the heating. "He's not with me or anything..i've been hooking up with him for like 2 weeks and I figured paparazzi might have been there to take photos and make you jealous.." she crossed her arms, frowning.

"I deserve it though, I treated you badly baby, you didn't deserve to go through what you did" I held her hand, rubbing my thumb over the skin softly, "maybe you can give me another chance? I swear I'll change baby, it won't be like the other times, I need to prove to you that I can change, I can be a better man for you" I started to cry again, she winced and got onto my lap, wiping my tears away and kissing me softly.

"I'm an idiot for forgiving you again..but fuck you seem so sincere.." she sighed, smiling softly. "I'll do anything for you baby, name it and i'll do it, I just can't lose you" I said, my voice shaky, rough with emotion.

"I haven't been able to function without you, you complete my world" I caressed her cheek. "Let's go home, I'm tired of living out of a shitty hotel" she giggled, climbing into the passanger seat again.

As we got home she rushed in, running onto our shared bed, "fuck..how I missed this bed" she rolled around in it, I smiled and walked in, laying next to her.

"Tom..?" she turned to me, "yes schatz?" I pulled her closer, looking down at her. "Why did you treat me so badly?" her question hit hard, I didn't really know myself. "Uh..I don't know..I was just stupid and I didn't appreciate the wonderful woman I had in front of me, I was a little intimidated, you were way too good for me and I just thought sabotaging everything would make it better, which now I see was fucking stupid" I groaned, rubbing my temples in frustration.

"I'm just glad you eventually saw how it affected me, I missed you a lot I will admit but I was also hurt and I still am" I nodded, "I know baby..and I'm so sorry, I wish I could take back all the pain" I said, reaching out and grabbing her hips, rubbing them softly.

"You know I'd do anything for you, I would take a bullet straight through my brain just to prove my love to you." She chuckled "baby..chill out" I smirked "sorry..I just want you to know how much I love and appreciate you"

She climbed on top of me, tracing my features with her delicate fingers. "There will be no sunlight if I lose you baby, just like the clouds my eyes will do the same, if you walk away everyday it'll rain" I kissed her softly, she smiled "Tom that's beautiful.." she whispered and kissed me back.

I flipped us over, me hovering over her. "Let me give you the love you deserve, make you feel beautiful.." she nodded and slowly unbuttoned her shirt, revealing black lacey bra.

My head dove into her chest, kissing and sucking softly.

She moaned softly, delicate sounds coming out of her beautiful lips. I reached down and removed her skirt. Her beautiful figure underneath me.

My fingers traced her curves softly, appreciating her beauty. "So, so beautiful..my angel" I whispered, kissing down her stomach and planting a soft kiss on her panties, her hips bucking up slightly.

"Tom..don't tease" she whined, I chuckled and slid her panties off, bending her legs and prying her thighs apart, licking a stripe on her folds, collecting her juices.

I slowly lapped my tongue onto her her clit, sucking softly, "mm!" she moaned loudly, gripping onto the sheets tightly. I smirked, happy to see her so pleasured.

I sneaked my hand up, entering 2 digits into her wetness, stretching her out. "Oh fuck!" she groaned as my fingers curled at her g spot, "is it good baby?" I teased, she nodded and screwed her eyes shut, focusing on the pleasure.

My fingers found their rhythm inside her, thrusting in and out. I could feel her release slowly approaching, her breath coming in short gasps. I increased the pressure on her clit, sucking harder as I felt her about to climax.

I could tell I was driving her wild, her head lolled back and her eyes were tightly shut, legs slightly trembling. "Cum for me baby.." I moaned on her clit, slobbering all over it.

I felt her pussy clench against my fingers as she came hard, a loud high pitched moan leaving her mouth. "So good.." I chuckled, licking up all her juices and climbing up to hover over her again.

I grabbed my clothed erection, "do you want it baby?" she nodded quickly, grabbing at my pants and shoving them off. I grinned at her urgency, pulling my cock out of my boxers and pumping it a few times.

"Can't wait to be inside you again.." I groaned, pressing my tip at her entrance, slowly pushing in. It had been a while since we last fucked, her "hookups" obviously not as big as me.

She cried out, holding onto me tightly, "fuck!", I dragged my hand down to her clit, rubbing slow circles to let her relax. I felt her pussy unclench on my cock, finally being able to thrust in better.

I slowly thrusted, gradually picking up my pace so I didn't hurt her.

Eventually my cock was pounding into her, my grip tight on her hips, holding her into place. "Fuck..so tight" I groaned, my head rolling back.

"Mmm! Fuck!" she moaned, feeling my tip hit her g spot, I leaned down and started to suck her nipples softly, earning a loud groan from her. My tongue swirled against her sensitive buds, making her throw her head back.

"Cum for me pretty girl.." I grunted, picking up my pace again and slamming into her, the tension building in my stomach as I felt my release approach, nails digging into her hips.

"Mmh! Oh shit!" she cried out, wrapping her arms around me and holding me close, her pussy clenching around my cock, increasing the amount of pleasure I was recieving.

I felt her body shudder under me, her orgasm washing over her and her juices painting my cock, I groaned and came inside her, shooting my load deep into her and making sure to keep thrusting so it could stay in.

I sighed and collapsed on top of her, cock still buried deep inside her hole. "I missed you so much baby..I swear i'll never ever hurt you again, I was so stupid to treat you that way" I winced "please forgive me and take me back.." she frowned at my pain, kissing me softly.

"I know you're sorry baby, it'll take a while for me to trust you again but we can try one more time, don't blow it" she sighed, I sighed in relief, peppering kisses all over her face and flipping us over so that she was on top of my chest, "get some rest baby" I whispered into her hair.

tags: @itsmealaiah @tomkaulitzloverr @tomscumdump @tomscumdoll @bkaulitzlover @ballhair @estxkios @ge-billsgf @charliesgoodboy

[allastoredeer]

I dunno why when it's radiostatic then I'm either indifferent or sometimes, rarely as it is, even like top!Alastor but when it's radioapple then even a thought about top!Alastor and bottom!Lucifer makes me wanna to gouge my eyes out haha

Samsies, Anon XD When it comes to radiostatic, I don't mind top!Alastor. I've actually like it on a few occasions of Alastor domming Vox. It's delicious. It's exquisite. Very yummy.

I think its the fandom-wide depiction of top!Alastor and bottom!Lucifer that turns me off from that dynamic. With Vox, Alastor gets to be more himself. He's not turned into this super suave alpha male dude (probs because Vox already fits that bill LMAO). Alastor gets to keep his fun and silly characteristics. I've seen more fan art of Alastor in a dress in radiostatic than radioapple, and I would like to thank the radiostatic community for contributing to my health. Thank you for putting my pookie in a dress, he looks amazing and beautiful just like he should.

And Vox gets to be his silly self too. He's still a boyfail. He's a mess. He's suave and charming, but obsessive and goofy at the same time. They match each other's freak.

From what I've seen, radiostatic typically feels closer to their canon counterparts than a lot of radioapple, which might be why I've been so drawn to radiostatic lately.

Their dynamic is so much more complicated and interesting than a lot of radioapple too, which is INSANE because Lucifer is literally the King of Hell, a prideful son of bitch, and an insecure, depressed mess who's been shown to despise Sinners. Alastor is a silly, girlpop, murderous Overlord who's rise to power is a mystery to EVERYONE (that should've been also impossible considering the assumption that he killed the other Overlords), he had an immediate dislike towards Lucifer that was never explained or expanded on, AND he's slowly been driven to (more) insanity because someone owns his soul, and that someone could very well be Lilith, Lucifer's ex-wife. THESE TWO ARE SUCH TASTY, COMPLICATED CHARACTERS AND RADIOAPPLE SHOULD BE THE TASTIEST OF SHIPS.

And yet, they're starting to feel like the oatmeal of ships. Bland and boring.

Don't get me wrong, I DO like radioapple. I do. I promise. I wouldn't be writing radioapple fanfic if I didn't. But it is hard to find enjoyment in the ship when most of what I see turns the characters into tropes and caricatures that strip them of all their tastiest qualities.

[sunflower-author]

HI i've been obsessed with akaashi atm so could you do yandere akaashi

he'd be such a sneaky yandere since he's so observant and memorises your little mannerisms and personality. he knows just what to say to you and other people as well to get you all to himself

anyway idm what you do, have fun with it!! hope you have a good day <33

SORRY IK IT IS SUPER LATE, AND I TRULY WANTED TO DO THIS!!

ALSO I WAS RAMBLING A LOT BUT HOPE YOU LIKE IT;)

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      It's a Friday and school just ended, you go to the usual spot to meet Akaashi before he has to practice. A bench under the tree, on the opposite side of the gym, giving you guys time to talk, before making it to the gym.

After some time you see Akaashi turn the corner, from sitting on the bench you stand up to greet him. Smiling as you make your way toward him. 

"There you are, I was wondering if you ever were gonna come," you say jokingly.

"Sorry, that was my bad I was caught up with some schoolwork," Akaashi says. In reality, he was writing in his notebook about you. He has a notebook, where he keeps specific tabs about you. Your likes and dislikes, also including plans about what he would want in the future, plans like...

.

.

.

"Y/N, I was wondering if after practice today, would you want to come over to my house to study?" Akaashi says walking.

"Sure, our AP test is coming up, and I'll be lucky if I get 3/5," you say shyly, following after him. (Headcanon that Akaashi takes AP classes) *ALSO I SWEAR I'M GONNA FAIL THAT TEST!!!*

"No comment," Akaashi says as he continues to walk.

"Hey why'd you say that?" you ask, confused and a bit offended.

"Well.. what did you think I would say?" Akaashi asks curious.

"I don't know, just not that, maybe something encouraging at least," you say, trying to defend yourself.

"If I say something encouraging either one, you would hype yourself up thinking your gonna do well,  then do just below that, and get all sad and guilty," 

"When have I ever done anything like that?" you ask not believing that you would do anything like that.

 "Remember your Biology finial, you said that you wanted to get at least a 90, I said how you've been studying so your gonna do amazing, but then you got 89. You ended up with a B for that class, you stayed in you room a whole week during summer, all depressed."

"It dropped my perfect GPA," you say defending yourself.

"Or two, you would study all the time till you only do well on that one test and forget about the rest, before you say anything, midterms... Your lucky it was only midterms."

"That only happened once," In your defense you learned never to try that again.

Rolling his eyes he finally says "Or three, if I encourage you right now, you might not take studying seriously and think you can just wing the test, and therefore end up failing."

"Oh yeah.. I do that one a lot don't I," you say embarrassed.

"You have been improvising a lot more than you usually have, now that I think about it, is something wrong?" Akaashi asks concerned.

"Oh.. you've noticed that?" you ask as you stopped walking, looking down ashamed. " I admit that I have not been studying as much as before... I just feel like I'm burning out... or maybe I am burnt out..." 

Akaashi going right in front of you, he just pats your head, it may seem small, but it is your favorite form of affection from him. 

"You know it is normal to be burnt out, the important and most hardest part is overcoming it. I'm always free when you need me. If you want I'll skip practice today, we can just go straight to my house," Akaashi offers.

"That's very sweet of you Keji, but the volleyball team really needs you. You're the only one who can handle Bokuto, and I can't imagine how sad Bokuto would be when he finds out you're not there today." You reassure him.

"You know I care about you, more than I care about volleyball and Bokuto, just say the word and we can go to my house," Akaashi says, persisting.

"Keji, pretty soon is the Spring Nationals, you need to prepare, I'll meet you after your practice," you say as you start to part ways.

Unexpectedly Akaashi follows you grabbing you hand softly.

"Where are you going," he asks. Normally you would wait for him in the gym's girls locker rooms, till his practice is over, since there was air condition inside.

"I thought that today.. I would go stay in class and wait for you, maybe study a bit before.. so that you don't need to catch me up on anything, then we can study faster tonight," you said.

"What are you hiding?" he ask.

"I'm not hiding anything," you said defending yourself.

"You're avoiding eye contact with me, you keep scratching your neck, and your more defensives than normal, I can tell when you are trying to hide something Y/N," he said. After a few more moments of silence you finally confessed.

"Alright fine... one of my friends invited me to join track practice today, I know you don't want to join any sports, but it was just a practice, I'm not going to join," you said admittingly.

"Was that all you were trying to hide?" Akaashi asks, acting surprised. "I'm sorry if you felt like that was something you had to hide from me," his words so soothing, hiding the venom within.

"It was just because whenever I tell you about a club I was going to join you would always turn the idea down, or convince me not to do the club," 

"That is not true-"

"Soft tennis, kyudo, archery, ice skating, and now track and field," you cut him off, apparently Akaashi was not the only one that was keeping tabs on their partner.

"I just don't want you getting hurt, and plus who knows...  what if you get too involved in the sport and fall behind in school, also when you compete would you be willing to do it, all eyes would be on you, I know you get anxious in a crowd, and when you compete your coach, teammates, friends would all be counting on you," Akaashi explains.

"Yeah your right," you say, realizing that you shouldn't have thought about ever joining a sport, there would be no way you would be able to handle the stress and pressure. 

"I just thought I would be cool to have a sport since your in volleyball, I didn't want you to think I was lazy or something," you say timid.

"I would never think that about you, I know how much you study, how much you help your family around the house, I would never think of you as lazy," He says commending. "But just out of curiosity what type of event would you have picked if you were to do track and field?" he ask.

"It would be pole vault," you say. Hearing those words Akaashi was so glad to have convinced you not to. 

Pole vaulter's have upper body strength, and in the emergency of him kidnapping you, with you having some upper body strength it would just be irritating. He would win though. 

"Pole vault?" he asks, hesitantly.

"Is there a problem?" you ask curiously.

"It is just that pole vaulting is one of the most hardest events, and you're just going to jump into trying it," is all he says. 

But that was more than enough. What were you thinking, trying to pole vault, your in your 3rd year. Image trying to practice, how underclassmen will just see how bad you are. They must be way better, the season started 1 month ago. Also there was other events practicing too, image all those eyes on you.

"Yeah your right, it was just a dumb idea, I'm gonna text my friend that I'm busy," you said as you pulled up your phone, and started texting.

As you start to walk towards the gym with Akaashi following behind you.

[secret-subject]

How does it feel like to be hypnotized?

I find this question to be a hard one to answer. Loaded with subjection and people get very hung up on the details sometimes. It's funny because everyone experiences it differently, we know this. Everyone is different and responds to different things and ways to play with hypnosis. But what I also find interesting is how trance can feel different:

With different people

On different days

At different times

Let me explain.

So lately I've gotten back into listening to files, (recs later if you ask nicely) because after getting on medication for depression back in 2019 it felt weird to be hypnotized myself and I didn't really need it as much as I had previously. Now I've been off those meds for a long time and am now on stuff for my adhd instead so I thought I would give it another try and, it feels very different. Pre-2019 trance for me felt like a mixture of "blacking out" and "being really drunk", everything got really hazy and I would just sort of fade into the void. I've had experiences which felt more like an out of body situation. I dissociated so hard I just wasn't in there anymore for a little while, I had others that were just light and I could easily come up at anytime and chose not to. Because of my general training I was very easy, super suggestible and with the right people a lot of fun apparently. It has never been super consistent and it took years of dedicated practice to be like this. I think a lot of the time when people would see me hypnotized before people would assume that's just how I am, but I've been doing this stuff for years to get any result. Especially in skills like amnesia, body catelepsy, and even getting thoughts out of my brain and basic in and out of trance, getting "deeper" each time. But coming back with a proper diagnosis on my neurodivergence and the right meds changed the feelings I used to have ans has evolved them.

So right now, I've noticed a few things. The trance is less consistent and this is good? It's good because it tells me that well the conditioning is now less "overall brain is getting more sticky" like it would before and now "brain is very much more sticky but only for the ones who put work in or who I listen to a lot". I have a bit of a voice thing and I'm very picky so this works out when now adays I tend to also listen to my hypnosis creators friends work, it's easier and it could also be a rapport thing. I know them so I know that I can trust them to be safe and also I know I can back out when I need to. I've also worked a TON on subject agency since when I was younger I was very much a pushover when it came to hypnosis. Being a dominant full time now for the last three years after my switch era helped with this. I've gotten very good at saying no and highly recommend this is a skill we all learn, even though it can be a hard one to get started with. So yes, I know I can wake up any time (with most people) but I just don't want to. So when I'm listening to files I now notice the different people feel different. Some I find more relaxing, others I find more of that focus depending on what they say and how targeted the audio seems to be at me and my brains working mechanisms. If you tell me to "focus" and "listen" it's like a switch goes off in my brain and I'm there, versus a more permissive, relaxing vibe which tends to take more time to really get to me. This also changes on a day to day basis, but I think it's like compounding conditioning that clearly is building over time with practicing and training to certain voices.

The feeling started as what is very similar to my hyperfocus mode I go into on the daily with my adhd. It's intensely focused to the point where nothing else matters, and sometimes my eyes don't close on their own and almost wait to be told to "drop" or to close them on instinct. I'm very bad at relaxing into trance. I now notice my body flopping (being so relaxed I just flop over somewhere) a bit like it used to but not all the time. Sometimes this feeling is more like I'm frozen in place. I've even dropped into trance holding my phone lately and when I woke up i was still holding it in perfect place or practiced sitting up in trance, it's like a freeze trigger no one had to impliment. I've learned I can be just as "deep" of not "deeper" with my eyes open and in a sort of mid/waking trance state. I also noticed sometimes my eyes do still roll, so that's kind of cute.

Yesterday, I had a really intense trance experience, probably the most intense I've ever had in 12 years of doing this. It was literally seconds of it, the words happened and they hit me, my eyes were open the whole time but super blurred and I couldn't see anything clearly. I just sat there but it literally felt like a giant wave of pressure hit me and I was just in it. This insanely incredible force washed through me and I just went down so fast I didn't have time to think about it and it was just a couple words. It was like being just frozen in time with the pressure encapsulating you and it wouldn't let go. Normally I would have forgotten this (because my memory play is very well trained and I have a brain like a sieve because adhd) but I could remember it clearly, the feeling I mean, the stuff outside of how I felt is very blurry. I don't know or am able to remember what was said to do it, it just was and that was very interesting to know that in my years of doing hypnosis from both sides, that these feelings are still evolving for me.

Anyway, what does trance feel like for you? Does it change for you? And what kind of practice are you doing to get those feelings? I'd love to hear from people!

[luvvvivii]

"i love you" — l.fl

pairing - idol!felix x gn!reader

genre - fluff, imagine

wc - 705

warnings - not proofread (surprise surprise), a bunch of pet names used (my love, angel, dear), lmk if more

a/n - I'm back suckas!!! 😋 enjoy this small felix post whilst I start to get back into the groove of writing (also abt the writing, times next to the date is in readers time zone)

synopsis - in which your idol boyfriend sends you voice notes whilst he's away

02.16.23 — 1:05 am

"good morning dear. actually, I think it's night for you right now? you better be asleep, alright? haha, it feels odd not being able to speak to each other how we usually would, doesn't it? but I guess this is what idol life is like? *chuckle* anyways, how was your day? did you do anything fun today? I hope you're eating good as well…I might head out for a bit with chan, so I'll talk with you later? sweet dreams angel. I love you!"

02.17.23 — 6:37 pm

"hey yn, you're asleep right? this is usually when you have your evening naps. don't be taking an all nighter again after this, though. I know you really like that show but sleep is important too you know? *chuckle*...today is day one of our concert in melbourne. I'm back in australia after so long, and I'm super excited! it's a shame I can't be here with you right now, but at least I can still update you and stuff. I can't wait to meet even more stays—oh, that's minho calling. sorry yn, got to go. I'll update you all about it after! enjoy the rest of your night, I love you."

02.18.23 — 12:53 pm

"hey dear, have you eaten yet? sorry I couldn't send any voice notes this morning, I woke up late and had to rush. day two of our concert was amazing! oh gosh, I wish you were here. hey, I don't think I told you about the dream I had last night, did I? well, we were just about to head to sydney for our tour there, and then suddenly you gave us a surprise visit! that's pretty much it, I woke up after that. haha, it seemed so real I even looked around for you whilst I was still half awake! *sigh* well, I think I'm going to go to sleep now, sorry for such a boring voice note today. have a good day, I love you angel."

02.20.23 — 3:31 pm

"yn, I'm so tired. but I can't go to sleep. *laugh* I was on my phone and got completely carried away, and now it's two am!...I think I might just start yapping about something with you, like how we always do when neither of us can sleep. that's what always helps me get tired…not that I'm saying you're boring! *chuckle* what I'm trying to say is…I just feel so at ease when I know that you're listening to me talk…let's not get depressed now, haha. how is your day going dear? doing anything fun today? make sure to send pictures, I haven't been able to see your pretty face in a while. you know, I think I might head off now, starting to feel a bit drowsy. we've got day one in sydney tomorrow, so I'll probably talk to you about it all later. goodnight my love, I love you to the moon and back."

02.21.23 — 2:01 am

"yn! it's finally day one in sydney! ah, I really wish you were here right now. you'll be cheering me on from back at home, right? I know you'll be looking for videos after the concert haha. make sure to have fun today angel! and I'll make sure to pour my heart and soul into the performances for you, like I always do. sorry for this voice note being so short, but I've got to go. I love you!"

02.22.23 — 3:19am

"sydney day 2! ah, you really don't understand how overwhelming this experience is, yn. this is absolutely crazy, but I've probably already said this a ton, right? *laugh*...you know, I hope one day we can travel to australia together, and I could show you all my favourite places to go and things to do from when I was a kid. but that's saved for the future! just wait a bit longer, my love, I'll be back home faster than you can believe. and cheer me on today as well, alright! I'll do the same for you dear. I've got to go now, an exciting concert ahead. I love you."

©@luvvvivii all rights reserved | do not repost or translate

[sugoi-and-spice]

To be super cringe and real for a sec, lately I've been feeling a lot of writer's guilt. 

Guilt over not updating Play Nice fast enough, guilt over not expanding Burnt Bridges fast enough. Guilt that there are requests in my askbox and prompts on my WIP page I still want to get to that are two years old. Especially with MHA coming to an end soon, how long will people even wait around for that content anymore? Idek...

And then there's the guilt that I'm working on fanfiction instead of my original work. I should be writing books and scripts that I can sell, things that will actually make money for when I'm inevitably between jobs again since I work in the entertainment industry. But writing fanfiction is so much more fun for me these days, and it's so hard for me to actually have fun when I'm this fucking overworked and depressed...

Fucking writers guilt.

I should've been a dentist.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA For teaching my kid to clean up after herself? (suicide mention)

I (25nb) and my partner (27nb) have a daughter (4f turning 5 in 2 weeks). We always help her out with cleaning up her toys so she can see where things go and how to properly put them away. Today she just had a small handful of things under her fold-up table and a few things on top. It wasn't a lot, and I told her that if she cleaned it up she could set up her princess tent in the living room. She complained about it saying it was boring and that she didn't want to do it. I said "its going to be boring, you still have to clean up after yourself. If you want to do fun things then you need to be clean". She asked if I could help, I said "it's only a few things, and I won't always be here to help you. So for today I want you to learn how to do it for yourself without my help". She started crying and having a meltdown about it. My partner told her this was unacceptable behavior and said she wasn't allowed to have her tent or watch a movie until she cleaned up, and they turned the TV off.

My mother was here not long prior, and had seen the first half of the resistance and attitude we got. She tried helping by giving her positive thoughts and motivation. I also said that she's been super good and well behaved lately, so if she helped out I would give her a little candy gummy as a treat if she did it without much fuss. My grandmother (who we live with and is constantly awful towards us) stayed quiet during this interaction. She even laughed at my daughter.

When my mom left and the issue with the meltdown and the TV ensued, my grandmother started giving me attitude, saying I need to help her clean the solid 5 mini toys and the coloring book off the floor. She bitched at me for turning the TV off and complained that if we were turning it off anyways, then she should be allowed to watch TV. We said no, because the thing she wanted to watch was NOT child friendly (it was a crime murder movie with heavy sex scenes in it and a lot of swearing and gore). She took the remote and put on the TV anyways, but it was the news for now. She kept repeatedly complaining that "this is ridiculous" and "I don't want to hear crying and bickering". So I said "if it's stops you from acting pissy then fine I will help her clean it up". She then gave me attitude denying that she was acting pissy. I said "you're giving me attitude. I'm just trying to teach her how to be responsible and clean up after herself properly". And she kept scoffing and mumbling to herself. It took 2 minutes for the two of us to clean up. It wasn't that bad. It would've been quicker if my daughter wasn't complaining about it being boring. My grandmother then proceeded to complain about how she now needed to wipe the fold-up table (she didn't). I was stressed out and said "I'm going to go for a walk by myself for a bit". My grandmother scoffed and sighed audibly. As I was leaving she said I was a bad parent for making my daughter clean up on her own. She waited to say something when my mom left because she doesn't want anyone to witness how she treats us (cuz this is how she treats us on a constant basis).

This is all heightened by the fact that I just went on a new med recently that isn't working and is actually making me severely depressed. But if I stop taking the med, it makes me suicidal. And we got our snap benefits taken away from us because they didn't tell me what I needed for proofs and I missed some. So I'm under a lot of stress.

I've been sitting outside wondering if I really am a bad parent for not helping her. If I should have just helped right away to prevent all this drama. I keep feeling like I did something wrong. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[curioscurio]

Oooo do you have a favorite tea or fun tea fact? 👀

I ADORE a good jasmine green tea! Something that's strong but not too acidic, and I do enjoy some sugar every now and then. Where I live, it's super hot Almost all year round so I love almost all my tea fresh brewed and poured over ice!

To do this and not get an overly watered cup, first measure out how much tea you need for say a relatively large 24oz glass of iced tea. Then only add HALF as much water as you want in the end. So instead of measuring out 24oz of water, measure out 12oz and use the 24oz worth of tea. Then you have a hot tea concentrate! Fill your beverage cup to the brim with ice and pour over as soon as its finished brewing for a great cup of iced tea!

I'm also on a huge Saffron Tea kick and find that it's been a huge help in stabilizing my emotions as well as tasting ... unique? Either way I like it haha! You don't need much, only like 6ish strands per 12oz ish, depending on your preference. Sometimes 12 for me depending on the flavor haha! also I like to resteep them a few times if possible lol. Check out with a doctor though first bc it can lower blood pressure and some other things. For me it just helps curb my everyday anxiety a little, but it's incredibly potent and you don't need a lot at all.

You can also brew catnip like tea as long as it's culinary grade! It can act as a natural depressant/sleep aid. Yes, it makes cats crazy if they smell it, but makes humans sleepy when we drink it haha!

I also love a turkish tea over ice, sweetend with a little sugar! I love that you can brew it super strong and dilute it to your preference as sometimes I like it strong and sometimes I like it really light.

I've not been interested in boba tea as much lately unless I need a super sugar kick! I find I really dislike the taste of powdered tea and that boba places often over brew their hot tea. Some have actually had some great Pu'er tho!!!!

I could go on tbh but my knowledge really is only the tip of the tea iceberg lol

[jaylleoo14]

Its not the spooky season anymore 😔 But I dont need it as an excuse to write it!

TW// Dark/gory/horror themes up ahead so tread carefully

I've been thinking, imagine what the characters would be like as serial killers. Who would be a best fit for one? And honestly, I feel like I'm able to write all of them as possible ones, well except for Ortho. Okay and maybe for Silver too but everyone else I think I can make do with it. I think.... I feel like characters that are obvious to fit the role is already generic such as Jade or Leona or Malleus! So i wanted to get more creative and try to expand more on the other characters. It would be fun to write about them though but I want someone who I think would fit the role just as nicely. Riddle and Trey was also a close one but I just really thought there could be someone more fitting. And what better character than to do the secretive man himself, Cater! I love Cater! And the potential he has a killer! Huihuihuihiuhihi Its making me shiver just thinking about it (with excitement) Perhaps I'll make the narrative as if you are looking through his eyes. That would be a fun read, no? Well I'll definitely switch the narrative to you and him but its a fun thought!

One day your boring, depressing, and mundane life gets interjected by Cater, the fun loving and bright barista! Some days you would always find yourself dreading as to why you should even continue. You live in a shitty area and your living situation is a mess, your neighbors are always partying, your boss is always picking on you, you're family situation is complicated, and all your friends seem to have moved on doing their own things in life. Life sucks, why do you have to go through this? You just want to go home already. Recently whenever you come by this super cute cafe this barista is always happily greeting you. "Another rough day?" He asked one day, and ever since that question you both have been making small talk whenever you would come by. He was easy to talk to, very friendly and bright. He was something you looked forward too during your days before and after work. One day when you go by the cafe you don't seem to see Cater around. Instead another worker rings you up instead. Out of curiosity you ask them where Cater was, and to none of their surprise that it was you who asked they simply answer with a "he called in sick." They recognize you as well considering you are a regular patron, one of the many other people who seem to enjoy Caters livelihood. Well you needed it in your life anyways. When you take a drive to your workplace you hear on the radio that two missing reports have been filed just last week, and to add on, just today they found a dead body belonging to one of the missing persons. They've been found brutally handled, the skin of their face peeled off and missing. What a grotesque and horrific way to go out.

A killer has been out on the loose in your city for who knows how long now. Though one thing is for certain, they've been going on for quite sometime now, all the victims going out in the same vindicative way. With their faces taken from them. This killer has been going on for quite some time now, but its just recently that they are starting to make another strike. For how long exactly? Who's to say. One thing for sure though is that you plan to save enough to finally move out of this godforsaken city, your awful apartment, and quit your damn job once you make enough. Despite all these killings going around, a lot of people seem to still go by their normal days just only hoping that they wont be the next unfortunate victim. "I hope Cater's alright" You say to yourself as you turn off the radio. The weather has been getting a lot colder lately, and it has been frequently raining. It would make sense that he'd get sick. Hearing about the reoccurring news causes you to let out a sigh, taking a mental note to be a bit more wary now.

You both don't really delve into each others personal life like that, so you can only hope for the best that he has someone to take care of. However on the way to work your light makes you stop and next to you is a deep alleyway. The day still being freshly new, the weather being a dewy light blueish grey after a slight rain, you dont care to look anywhere around you until a little glare hits your eyes on the side. Without much thought you turn around to see what the cause could be. Perhaps a shiny or passing car? Or perhaps it was just the reflection of someone's skateboard on the nearby sidewalk next to your car, or maybe it was- Oh.

. . . Oh

Your heart drops. You suddenly feel cold and goosebumps arise in you as you slowly flare up and your eyes widen with hyperactivity.

Someone is over there

In the alley way, next to you. Just slightly, are you able to make out a figure hidden under the shadows casted by the surrounding and clustered buildings.

Someone with a dark hoodie to blend in with the shadows, their back slightly angled towards you in the dark.

HONK

A car honks from behind you and you're woken from your trance. Just then though, the person in the alleyway slightly shoots their head towards where the sound of the honking originally came from quickly and for a split second your eyes meet. You hit the gas pedal, quickly speeding off with your heart racing as you pass the streetlight. Your cold clammy hands grips onto the steering wheel as you slightly speed off in a hurry and you bury yourself into your seat as the sound of your engine revs away down the dampened street.

They saw me...... I saw them...... they saw me

Was that? Did I see, the killer?

As he watches you speed off in your car he turns back to his finished business. The bloodied and lifeless corpse in front of him lying in a dirty puddle mixed with gravel and rain water from the earlier light rain. With his bloodied gloved hands, a dark shining glint glossing over it, he brings it to drag his mask down to inhale the dewy freshness of the air and out with a heavy breath.

"Ah, Cay-Cay should've been more careful huh?"

With no response he only laughs to himself a bit, nudging the lifeless corpse with his foot as if it were a ball.

"Oops. Forgot you've kicked the bucket now. Oh well, they didn't see me anyways. I shouldn't worry too much anyways."

"heh, who would've thought It would be (y/n) to see me down here... I guess I'll keep a close eye on them from now justttt in case."

Definitely will expand on this when I have the time and finish my other work, but oh how I cant wait to share! >< This is just a base and loose little draft for me to go off of but I was thinking of something like Cater placing pictures around the victims, pictures of perhaps locations to where he could have put their faces. But regardless, I think it'd be fun to write a really slow burn between you and Cater, a psychological horror experience :3

[alpydk]

So BPD/EUPD (my essay)

I said I'd make a post - Not BG3 related in any way, so ignore if you're not interested in that. - Warning it's long. -

Also TW (sui, s/h, MH...etc...)

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) / EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder)

I only got diagnosed in 2022 - late for most who get this, but looking over my life, there are a lot of big red flags that show I should've got diagnosed earlier. Going to be from my life with it, can't speak for the others with it, so hey, this is how it is for me. Like all illnesses - It's A sPeCTruM!

So I'm EUPD type Borderline under the DK rules. Some argue there is this 4 types things but there's no research at all here for it. They treat with meds (useless for me I've found) and DBT (basically used for mental illness, it feels like.) - I am raw dogging life thanks to circumstance which explain why I can be a little tetchy at times.

To be diagnosed, you must fulfil 5 of the 9 criteria below (which honestly feel so fucking vague and overlap with so many other conditions basically anyone could be diagnosed it feels like.) There are a number of people who find they're actually AuADHD / CPTSD etc and yeah, BPD can be a problem once it's on your file, so find a good doctor who knows their shit. This is not a fun condition to have. Around 10% of people with BPD are estimated to die by suicide, a rate far higher than the average. - Fun right!

The 9 criteria are:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5) - For me, I cut people off instantly or even before I get to know them. It is simply easier to be alone than risk being abandoned. Backwards isn't it? - If you've got into my circle somehow you're probably off the wall fucking nuts (like me). I will push people away to prove I'm right and that they will abandon me because that's easier to manage.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealisation and devaluation - When I had my break, I became obsessed with a guy I knew. His emotions dictated my emotions. If he was happy, I was happy (you get the picture.) - If he worried about me, I felt validated and so I spiraled. How worried could I get him to be? When he didn't answer or didn't reply in the way I wanted, he became an asshole in my world. (splitting) Instantly he'd be cut off, or he'd be goaded into speaking with me until I was happy with him again. This went on for months.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self - See Nana. This is a difficult one to explain without it getting depressing. I have no concept of who I am as a person. If you ask about core values, I don't know. If you ask about hobbies, I'll usually mirror what's being presented in front of me. I have been so conditioned growing up to hold back that I build no connection unless it is acceptable, and now I'm older, I'm basically lost playing in masks. Yeah, enough on that...

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behaviour covered in Criterion 5) - Binge Eating and spending are my big two. I did drinking when I was younger. Sex is.... a topic...

Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour - I have not S/H'ed in over a motherfucking year! Does that mean I don't want to? Fuck no. I just don't have access to it.

Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g. intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) - Like a fucking seesaw. You'll see it on my feed. Major depressive angst and then I'm wanting to fuck Rugan and Gale in some sort of super masc sandwich, all in the space of 3-4 hours. When I say a mood will pass, I fucking mean it.

Chronic feelings of emptiness - yeahhh. Self explanatory, right?

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g. frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) - I lose my shit pretty often. I've learnt how to bring it down, like I'm not one for temper tantrums and public displays. It's all internal and brewing constantly. Take, for example, the other night. I lost my shit over something really minor (simple insecurities causing me to lash out. I have since blocked the offender like a mature moron, even though they probably don't realise or even understand why. I'm still angry at them though.) - Either way, gives an idea of what it's sort of like in my head.

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms - This hasn't been as big a problem as it was during my breakdown. At that point, I'd travel to work and could not tell you how I got there. I still have moments of dissociation which are problematic, but it's manageable.

Anyway - That's the 9 and as you see, I get a nice big tick next to each one. People with BPD pretty much always have a nice trauma backstory to boot as well.

Personal things that bother me. Someone questioning my diagnosis. A big thing with BPD (at least for me) is validation. Having someone say my diagnosis could be wrong doesn't help me when my sense of identity is so fucked. I trust my doctors. They were thorough and they have so many more years of experience than google.

The other thing is the "my ex had, my MIL had..." Did they? Or are you just doing some arm chair psychology to explain why they were a jerk and as such preventing people like me from getting real help due to stigma? On this note - 7 psychiatrists I went through before one would even agree to see me, simply based on a potential diagnosis. Patients would be easier to work with if Drs didn't have preconceived ideas before we walked through the door.

Oh, one last thing of annoyance - FP's (Favourite person) - I fucking hate this term. You see, the obsession thing earlier - That's technically what this was, but thanks to tiktok and other social media sites some people like to RP mental illnesses now and FP's are their fucking lives. I just.... bug bear rage there.

So yeah, that's me. That's my essay on my mental health and over sharing for the week, and possibly an explanation for why things have been so erratic recently.

[koka-mi]

HIII KOKA HOW HAVE U BEEN JUST IN GENERAL FEEL FREE TO GO ON A WHOLE YAP !!!

HII OMG HIII RAVEN IN MY ASKBOX LET'S GOOOO!!!! >:DDDDDDD KYOKO PLSUHIEEEEU!!! I LOVE THAT PICTURE SOSO MUCH I THINK ABT IT EVERYTDYA!!!!

I'VE BEEN DOING VERY WELL THANK YOU!! :3 AND I WILL TAKE THAT YAP INVITATION AND RUN WITH IT!!!!

SOO today went very very nicely I think!!!! I stood up until like 5am-ish so I woke up suuuper late today xD ohoh and I watched this uhh christian movie. I don't even remember what it's called--the last miracle or something???? I DON'T EVEN REMEMBERRR but it was okay?? I dunno I only watch those movies bcz my great grandpa make me feel like I have to :p I haven't had to do any super religious stuff since I was around 7-8 y/o though xD watching christian movies isn't really the norm for me luckily !

I also took a nap which surprises like nobody AND I PLAYED SOME ACE ATTORNEY ON MY 3DS AS WELL AS SOME RAYMAN AND IM@S ON MY VITA SO THAT WAS SUPER SUPER FUN!!!! :D

my mom also got some italian food today so that was super cool!! AND IT'S SO GOOD I love italian food it's up there with japanese food for me yummy yummyyy !!!!

ALSO ALSOOO I got to practice with my cover group a little bit! not everyone could show but majority of us could :D and that was super fun~! I think our manager (saying that makes it sound so professional BUT IT WASN'T REALLY BAHBFHADSB) was losing patience with some of us though xD none of it was directed at me but a few of the members were falling behind in their lines--the rest of us reassured them that it was okay though!! :] a video was also recorded but I'm not allowed to share it sadly </3 maybe I can share my own parts sometime tho!

hmmm what elseeee...my mom did my eyebrows today so that was something!! she was also talking about these three DEPRESSING MOVIES WHILE SHE WAS DOING IT :'D THEY WERE SOOO SAD AND I WAS JUST LIKE MOM WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THISSSS but tbf they do sound pretty good--I dunno if I'd watch them myself tho I'd probably cry BSAHDBASFH

ANND I wrote in my journal today!! :3 but it's not anything about me it's a short kyosaya story :D I may share it but I'm not suuure..it's not anything super special--I also doodled little kyosaya drawings around it !!!!!! I love kyosaya I love kyosaya I love kyosay

UHHH THAT'S ABOUT IT I THINK!!!! MY DAY WENT VERY WELL AND I AM DOING SUUUPER GOOD~!! TYSM FOR ASKING RAVEN YOU'RE SO COOLLLLL

[basics-academy-yum]

Info dump about the students in high school. Do they go to the same one coincidentaly? Are they still in touch with the teachers?

prepare for an unskippable cutscene <3

SO SO SO SO SO!!!! Most of them do go to highschool together, considering they don't live to far from each other in the first place... And to answer your second question... yes. They are still in touch with the teachers. More than you might think :]

Playtime, Paisley, and Andrew (Baldi's son, for those unaware) honestly treat each other like cousins. Paisley's legal guardian is Micah, Playtime's stepdad is Prince... and Prince and Baldi are best friends, so those 3 are super close.

Paisley Playtime Andrew Art Billy

I'll give you little bio of each of them :]

Paisley - 15 (she/her) Super overprotective of Playtime. Stays out late hanging out with Andrew. She's finally on medication for her OCD so she rarely ever has hallucinations anymore!! Yippee!! She's pretty mature actually, for a 15 year old.

Playtime - 15 (she/her) Gonna be so real, puberty hits this poor kid like a truck, some days it takes ever fiber of her being to not curl up in her bed and cry. She's super studious and loves laying in bed watching magical girl anime. She's very into soft harajuku styles as well (like yume kawaii and a bit of lolita and stuff <3). She does get relentlessly bullied, but luckily she's got some pretty cool friends that tend to beat people up a bit too much–

Andrew - 15 (he/him) In a bunch of AP and honors courses and is burnt the hell out!!! He's pretty depressed and constantly beating himself up... Paisley will help him escape all the work and ruminations and just be a teenager sometimes. It's pretty awesome :D

Art Audrey- 14 (she/her) She's a very reserved art student, but believe it or not she's been managing her anxiety pretty great! She's been dating Billy, and boy does that kid have some enemies for protecting the LADIES in his life. Speaking of which...

Billy - 14 (he/him) He's still got anger issues, but he's learned how to be a lot more true to his feelings. Any time he sees his girlfriend or his childhood friend, Playtime, getting bullied, boy does he let them have it. Anyway, him and Audrey love to make comics and stories together, they have a huge universe with the craziest plot– it's super nifty 👍

Now I know what you're probably not thinking, but I've gotta bring it up. Playtime's bestie, 1st Prize!!! They stay best friends of course but... gosh, there's really no good way to put it. Philip (that's 1st Prize btw) passes away when he's about... 17. Playtime visits him all the time, of course. Some days she'll sit by his grave for hours, doing homework or telling him how her week has been or plots to her favorite anime... she'll also visit his mom sometimes and just hang out with her :]

Another big thing you've probably noticed is AUDREY!!!!!! Yeah, she's trans, pretty cool B) Now, as for interacting with her in the current timeline of the blog (pre-transition), it's best to still just use Art and he/him, solely because at 8 years old he's like "damn being a girl would be so awesome, too bad that's impossible" (if anyone wants to throw little asks at him about said topic tho to help him figure things the freak out, i cant stop you 😳🤭)

Anyway those are the basics (no pun intended), but if you guys wanna know more i will GLADLY tell little stories with them (idk about drawing them but i can write them 🤭!!) also feel free to use this knowledge as you wish, you can ask questions to them as highschoolers or as elementary schoolers, you can bring things up to try to figure out how they get for point A to point B.... all sortsa fun stuff!!! go go!! :D!!!

[bonesandthebees]

I've been cleaning my room all day (woo depression hole is gone!) but now I'm so exhausted because all I've had is a handful of potato chips ( I actually hurt my jaw while eating them lmao) and like two cups of water, and I still have some stuff left to clean, but I'm too tired, and I cant eat anything to help because all I have requires cooking and I'm too tired to cook, and too poor to order something, lmao but at least my floor is spotless! I also got a new dress today! It's light purple and my friend is paying for a photoshoot for her birthday and it's rainbow themed and each of us have a different color of the rainbow, and I got purple, and it's super cute and I'm super excited! Anyways, how have you been Bee? Tell me about your life recently :))

yay for cleaning your room!! I actually just folded my laundry so we are both on a roll

but also oh no you need to eat. even if you don't have the energy to cook anything just try to find something you can snack on. one of my desperate level go to's when I'm absolutely way too bone dead tired to cook anything is straight up just butter on bread. the nicer version of this if I have it in my fridge is pita bread with hummus which is a great easy thing to eat if you don't have energy. any kind of nuts or fruit will also help if you have it

and that dress sounds so pretty!! I hope the photoshoot goes well that's so fun

I've been doing good! busy with many things! I'm going to be very busy with both family stuff and work this week so that'll be a bit hectic. this weekend I went to a pilates class for the first time (yes, I'm aware of how much of an LA girl stereotype I am) and my legs are so sore. I already signed up for another class tomorrow and I know I'm going to regret it but I will do my best to persevere

also I made coconut cream pie this weekend and it's so fucking good oh my god. it was definitely a bit of a headache to make but it was so worth it. it's been pretty funny bc lately I've been trying to eat healthier by eating more veggie-heavy meals and buying a lot of produce from farmers markets and things like that, but also I've been on a baking kick so. I'm swinging wildly between my healthy main meals and then constantly having very sugary desserts afterwards lol

[alicedrawslesmis]

I hope my presence here hasn't been just me complaining, cause I haven't dedicated myself to art in a while lol I am Burned Out... I don't like being a negative presence

in the Positivistic sense not in the new age sense? you know? not pretending to be happy when things are bad, I want my presence to be pulsating with life even if I'm sad or angry or numb. I try not to fall into negation. Most millennial humor I grew up with is this kinda ironic 'haha I'm so depressed 🤪' thing I just don't vibe with at all. I like feeling all my feelings. If I'm depressed and numb to it all then good, lets explore that. If I'm lost and aimless then good, let's be aimless and see where this can lead me to. I want to feel the full breadth of human experience and not live life negating it. I want to reflect on what I'm doing I want to create new things! Work with the world and not despite it

but unfortunately cause I'm totally lost at sea rn this means my posts are lacking and so the internet "persona" ends up being only someone who complains. That's not where I'm at. I don't even know if this makes sense to other people who can't see my brain, am I even making sense. Anyway

I am experimenting with a lot of things art-wise to get my groove on. I've bean reading a bunch. I've been lifting weights which is turns out is super fun and I should've started ages ago. Like I didn't believe the gym could be fun, I thought people were just faking it but it turns out like. It's just self expression like any other activity. And I love to see number go up. And I love making that face you do when you're lifting heavy weights you know the one? And grunting. It's very freeing to just be able to do that. Like all my life I've been bogged down by thinking the gym is for assholes and that I should try to do the Normal Sports that I honestly fucking hate. I hate ball sports. I don't understand swimming as a sport you're trapped doing laps in that freaking pool it's the most boring sport of all time. Sure I liked thinking about nothing and swimming but laps in a pool?? Devil invention. Running is kinda the same although you can run interesting places and aren't trapped in a blue rectangle. Just do the sport you actually want to do. Go to a fight club idk. Learn to kickbox. Punch some stuff. Do push ups, I love doing push ups.

What else? I've been walking my dog for 2hours every day late in the afternoon and getting to hang with his friends at the dog park. He isn't very friendly but he's also not aggressive so it's mostly chill. He's made a friend named Draco Malfoy (she made sure to tell me it was her kid daughter's idea) and everyone calls my dog Sirius Black cause he's got black fur and is, and this is the technical term, giant. Kind of annoying that Harry Potter is still the main thing people go to to describe him. Except for one security guard who I thought was gonna say he looks like Sirius but then said he looks like Sam from Twilight. This was an awesome day

I've been trying to sew and mend my clothes. I replaced the buckle in my bag cause it was broken and I feel kind of amazing about it.

I've been writing some stuff. All unfinished yet. I want to see if I can finish the short story I've been trying to work on besides the Les Mis scripts. I have trouble finishing things I write, which is a problem that, if AO3 is any indication, is probably the world's most common roadblock in writing.

Went to the satanic themed goth club on good friday, that was so fun. We had a blast. Place was PACKED. All goths have the same sense of humor.

I guess that's it for life stuff. I do feel kinda bad that I can't get myself to make fanart right now. I'm just having thoughts on the nature of art and of fanart and the impact of it on the world as a whole. And particularly thoughts on social media and the internet and what it even *is*. What is it for? We really need to work that out.

[tea-earl-grey]

pink!

from this ask game

🩷 Pink: Do you find a certain character (or characters) easy to write? More difficult -- and if so, do you avoid writing that character (or those characters) when possible?

Easy Characters:

One of the only characters who I've never struggled with writing is Irving Braxiatel from the Doctor Who EU. He has every single marking of being a Difficult character to write – his timeline is convoluted and contradictory to the point where the actual writers have just kind of given up, he is constantly 1000 steps ahead of other characters and eternally prepping for The Long Game, he's super pompous, he never says what he means, and he constantly references high art that I don't have the background to fully understand. But for whatever reason despite all that, I've always found him easy to write (even back to when I was 14) because I think once you understand how his inner world differs from his outer world and how his dialogue is always a performance rather than an expression of himself then it just clicks into place. It got to the point that when I was writing And They Became Monsters (the fall of great men) that I had to consciously remember not to write in Brax's voice while I was working on other things.

Also for Doctor Who characters, shout out to Liv Chenka for always having dialogue that never takes any effort and is always snappy and fun even if I only published one of my fics with her.

As far as Star Trek characters go, I honestly find Janeway fairly easy to write despite not finishing a fic with her because she has that nice duality I like between her inner world and outer world. She presents herself with total confidence and self assurance (totally unlike me but it's still fun to write) while internally suffering from self doubt and depression knowing that she can never express her insecurities. It's such a good place for a character to be in fanfic when you can actually explore how they perceive themself/how others perceive them.

I've also only written a tiny bit of Picard's dialogue (and not from his perspective) but his way of speaking was very easy to find after absorbing So Much Star Trek because of how consistently he's written.

Hard Characters:

There are a fair few characters that I've been intimidated to try to write – notably any character that uses a dialect that I'm not super familiar with because an incorrectly written dialect can immediately tank any good characterization. It's also probably why I avoid writing for contemporary characters in general.

As far as characters I've Actually Written for – the Doctor (from Doctor Who not Voyager) is really difficult for me to write and especially from their POV. I don't think I can even recall a fanfic or official media where I've thought that the Doctor's POV was written spot on. I also found writing Bernice Summerfield difficult but I think that was more because of her role in the fic I was writing and not her character.

On the Star Trek side of things – it took me awhile and a few rewatches to find Raffi's voice but I feel decent about writing her now after realizing how many of her actions and way of carrying herself is a result of her insecurities. Lately I've been struggling with writing Elnor which is why the next chapter of my fic is taking so long (sorry!) because I'm just so unused to writing characters who say exactly what they feel and are experiencing major life changes. In every other thing I've written, characters are constantly using double-speak and refusing to communicate so Elnor is just a completely different type of character to tackle.