#((Gerry and Julius comparsion is from the Remeber the titans movie in case you have seen it its about a black and white HS football team

[ducknotinarow]

MM Raph - 📖 uwu

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Uhhhh I dn’t know how to start this stupid thing. But when I asked Splinter he said writing crap down might help? Well Dad didn’t say crap but ya know. Jus I’m al mixed up I guess? I would try and ask Leo or Donnie but well. I don’t think Leo can help anyone knot even himself when it comes to this stuff. Donnie? Well after the whole ‘coming out’ thing? For sure not Donnie. He still won’t let me live down how I fucked up with that whole thing too as is. I can only imagine how Donnie would just roast me over this too.

Okay so just me and you journal. An I’m having no real luck on my end figuring it ouat. So you better do your job got me?

So well Casey kissed me and now I think my brain has been fried because of it and I’m not fully sure why it’s so fried! It’s like when one of Don’s first laptops got a cup of water thrown over it when Mikey ad I were messin round with a super bouncy ball in the lair. Man that thing had a lot of bounce in it would go everywhere if you threw it hard enough! Anyway no the point. I can’t stop thinking about it. Everything about it, everything about Casey. Kind of wondering how I feel about Casey myself.

When we first met? Nah I didn’t like him at al, he was annoying and a jus asking for a good ass kicking. Which I gave. Even if I got into trouble for the whole mess cause of it. But well he was annoying standing there acttin like I wouldn't be good at hockey just cause i'm a turtle. Cause were slow. And yeah maybe I shouldn't let him get to me but he did! And I don't back down from a fight. Course picking them after maybe wasn't the best choice either. I dunno i just couldn't leave it alone. Drop it and such like the guys kept trying to tell me. We finally got our big punishment for all the fighting. Stuck in a small room with the guy. Don't now how that meant to fix anything.

But I gotta say honestly? I didn't really hate him even with all the fighting going on between us. Splinter seemed confused but I kind of thought maybe we could be friends. I said we were friends but I blame my wording on how hurt I was at the time. I dunno I just even though we clearly didn't like each other I also just had a feelin i guess is the best why I can put it ya know? Sure Casey was nothing but a jerk at the time and a jerk I kept being a jerk towards as well. But I dunno I don't think it was really me he was mad at, I think he was just mad. About something else and I was just I dunno in the way? or something he could focus it on?

Well I got lotta experience being stuck in small place. Even If didn't really wanna talk to Casey. It was my first and only chance after living in hiding for years to be part of something even if I wasn't even like married to the idea of hockey still. I did try and break the silence in that room even with Casey making it clear he wanted nothing to do with me. I dunno part of me really did feel like maybe we could be friends? Sure took a lot and I mean a lot. To finally do that but when Casey did open up?

Yeah I felt bad.

I told him how for him least he always been able to just do stuff like try out for teams or whatever but I never could before. Hell just going out to see the city at night took a lot to convince Splinter of. Only way me and my brothers could was if we just took long on grocery runs. Just to catch at best ten minutes of a movie playing. I confessed how in the movies it always seem so great to go to school. How having friends seemed great. Sport teams had a bond and maybe i just wanted that.

I know that answer least wasn't gonna drop all that just ya know start with it though. And Casey kind of opened my eyes. I guess to me just seem like humans can do whatever they want at anytime. But I guess that isn't true. Casey couldn't just do anything he wanted his mom was like Splinter. Protective. And yeah I know how an over protective parent can be to deal with.

Casey wasn't a bad guy, he was just dealin with shit to. Like Beep, Rock and I talk bout sometimes. And I still feel that way now. Casey isn't a bad guy he's just dealign with shit and having something that makes him happy helps. So course I was willing to tell the coach I was dropping out so he could make Casey on the team. Even if he didn't appreciate my kind gesture their. dick. I dunno when Casey mentions hockey? he just seems happy. And I guess it means a lot to him and I just felt like I dunno. Look he was still a dick even if its clear he loves the damn sport he should just been happy and said thank you or something jerk.

I also did it cause I dunno I feel like Casey gets me and I just want to be Casey's friend. Sure I want friends I know that but I really want Casey to be my friend and I don't know how to explain that feeling? Even If I fucked up when Casey wanted to tell me he was gay Bi. Donnie had a point some humans dont accept even thier own for stuff like that even. But to me? Casey just Casey I don't think it matters who he thinks is attractive or whatever I still felt bad for messing that up though. Casey was showing we are friends cause he trusted me with something important.

I guess I just don't understand how he wound up likeing me with how much i've fucked everything up every step of us becoming friends. Also Can't stop thinking about how it felt to kiss Casey. I dunno I thought it be rough his lips. But they are warm and soft. I know humans are warm but it was like a pleasant burning feeling. Like when my knuckles his just right in a good planted right hook. Or when I skid around the ground and perfect kick someone right out from how they were standing. But even better?

That my problem journal!!!! I don't wanna fuck up and lose my friend but my feelings are so everywhere right now! What if..what if I don't like Casey that way? What if it's just cause hes the first person to ever kiss me that I feel that way? But would I have wanted to kiss Casey more if that was the case? or was it cause Casey kissed me and I saw that someone wanted to kiss me?!!

I don't think thats the case though. I just I dont wanna hurt Casey. I already fucked up once. I really wanna be his friend. He called me his best friend. Thats something special right? I only got movies to go off but best friends are special like Gerry and Julius. Two different guys as people can be I guess but they become the greatest friends in the movie. I really like when Gerry tells the nurse Julius is his brother and asks can't you see the resmblence?

But at the same time?

I can't stop thinking about Casey's eyes and how nice it looks when his hair gets in front of them. Cause of the blue in his hair. I wanna reach over and brush it outta his face sometimes. I like all those freckles on his face too, they are cute. I like when he smiles wide. I like the way he calls me Raph. I like that he just never gave a shit I was turtle one way or the other. If I were human I bet he still would have fought with me the same. I like how he's just a massive dork when hes not being a dick head. I like that he's willing to take risks with out a second thought. He might not even have first thought though. He did it twice with me alone. Wanting to tell me something important about himself. And tell me how he feels as well. I like that he don't take shit from no one. I like that I feel I dunno I just feel comfortable around Casey. To be myself.

I don't think Casey would ever make me feel like i'm too much. I don't think he be one to say i'm being too loud. I kind of hate when others tell me i'm being too loud I can't help it when I get excited is all. I don't think he seen me as to angry either. He's pretty angry himself. Casey likes sports like me and thats fun too. I think of Casey as my best friend to but I dunno if that means as much when you never had a friend before? but now I'm also feeling stuff for him. I've been out of it ever since trying apologize to him.

I like Casey a lot a whole lot more than a friend I don't know if it's love? I never been in love before? I know I care about Casey a lot and I know I don't wanna hurt him either. Ever. I know I already did once even if he might say its not a big deal. I know he was avoiding me for a reason.

But he kissed me and I wanted to kiss him again and more. And I wanna kiss him again now too. I want to still be friends too? we can still do that right but also not only be friends? I dunno if writing into is helping me much. I feel like I just getting to see all my issues on paper more than getting an answer.

I got feelings for Casey. And I just don't wanna fuck up again. Maybe i'm scared? Well thats dumb never been scare of nothing before!

But i'm kind am with this? But also not cause it feels right? ugh this is confusing and it's not helping to write it. I got feelings for casey though. So now what?