#(( because its one thing when other characters dont know miranda yet

[royalreef]

       Ugh. Why’d she have to remind herself that she’s only got like... four months left? It never feels like she can breathe. It’s always either approaching or she’s only just starting to recover from it. That’s the nature of cycles, she supposes. Coming and going. Coming and going. Around and around the wheel goes, not stopping until it ends.

[legionofpotatoes]

we decided to watch all story cutscenes from the new resident evil village videogame on a whim, since it’s not really our cup of tea gameplay-wise but seems to be this massive zeitgeist moment that made us morbidly curious. And I know how much everyone cares about my thoughts on things I know very little about, so. let’s get into it huh gamers. and yeah spoilers?

for context, I’ve only played resident evil 4 and a small portion of 5. I also read the wikipedia entry for 7’s plot recently. all this to say I was only vaguely aware of how tonally wacky the series was going in

I also completely gave up following the plot of the mutagens’ soap opera, so that paid off in spades here as you might imagine

anyway so that baby in the intro. that baby’s head is just massive. humongous toddlerdome. when ethan finds the baby’s head in a jar later on. there is no way that head would fit into that jar. bad game design. no not even game design. basic stuff. one hundred years in prison for jar modeler

if I see a single functional hetero marriage in video games I will cry tears of joy. I understand their misery is kind of The Point irt them badly working through the hillbilly romp trauma but like. sheesh. at least set that up as an emotional story goal the plot will help resolve. but nope they start off miserable and it goes nowhere

I know I know the mia thing has a huge wrinkle in it but like. not really in terms of dramatic function?? set up a happy end to the re7 nightmare (miranda can keep up appearances for all she cares) and then take that all away from angry griffin mcelroy for manpain. it will still absolutely work to set up the dramatic forward momentum. why throw in this cliche Hollywood Tension in their marriage if you’re not going to address it oh maybe because it’s normalized as automatically interesting because nuclear families are a self-propagating pit of a very narrow chance at emotional happiness relying on social stigma to preserve their empty function oops my baggage slipped in yikes abort mission

I called him griffin mcelroy because I saw his face on twitter and. yeah. I will continue to do this occasionally. my house my rules

... fuck the reason I’m hung up on this is specifically because the rest of the game is so tonally dexterous (which is a shining point to me! more on that later!), and yet they felt weirdly compelled to create the aesthetic trapping of a family-at-odds trope without following it through too well. a sign of both the good and the bad stuff to come

but listen the real reason why I wanted to talk about any of this is to nitpick the fascinating backwards-engineered nucleus of the entire thing; in that this game essentially creates a melting pot of just SO many disparate horror tropes and then makes a no-holds-barred unhinged effort at weaving thick lore to piece them all together. it is truly a sight to behold. like straight up you got your backwoods fright night situation, your gothic castle vampires, your rural-industrial werewolves, and don’t forget your bloated swamp monsters over there, with then a hard left turn into robotic body horror, and the entire ass subgenre of Creepy Doll writ large, and the bloodborne tentacle monsters, and a hellboy angel bossfight, which rides on the coattails of a mech-on-mech pacific rim bonanza, and just jesus henry christ slow down

almost all of these are textural hijack jobs that don’t really get into the metaphor plain of any of those settings but the game sort-of makes an argument that the texture IS the point and revels in it. It is kind of admirable almost. The same reason why the intro felt boxed in and unmotivated is also why the rest of the game just blasts off of its hinges to the point of complete and self-indulgent tonal abandon. I kinda loved that about it. lady dimitrescu made sure to hold her hat down as she bent forward in mahogany doorways and then suddenly she’s a giant gore dragon and you settle in your temp role as dark souls man with Gun to take her ass down. Excellent??

this rhino rampage impulse to gobble up every horror aesthetic known to man comes to head when the game wrestles with its FPS trappings in what is the most hilarious solution in creating visceral player damage moments. Since most cinematics and the entire game is in first person, that leaves precious little real estate for the devs to work with if they really want to sell griffin’s physical crucible. To wit. This dude’s forearms. Specifically just the forearms. They are MASSACRED throughout the story. The poor man lives out the silent hill dimension of a hand model. by the end cutscene he looks like a neatly dressed desk clerk who had decided to stick both his grabbers into garbage disposal grinders just a few hours prior. like in addition to everything else it manages to rope in that tinge of slapstick violence into its general grievous genre collection except this time it IS for a lack of trying! truly incredible

but wait his miracle clawbacks from everything his poor paws go through are retroactively explained away, yes, but far too vaguely and far too late to console me as I sat and watched everyone’s favorite baby brother reattach an entirely severed hand to his wrist stump by just. placing it on there. and giving it a lil twist ‘n pop terminator-style. and then willing his fingers back into motion right in front of my bulging eyes. this game just does not care. it does not give a shit. and boy howdy will it work to make that into one of its strongest suits

cause generally speaking resident evil was THE premiere vanilla zombie content destinaysh for like a decade, right? and as the rest of the world and mainstream media started encroaching and bloodying its blue ocean it went and just exploded in every single conceivable horror trope direction like a smilodon on catnip. truly, genuinely fascinating franchise moves

yeah the big vampire milf is hot. other news; grass... green. although I do love the implication that her closet is just identical white dresses on a rack. cartoon network-level queen shit

apropos of nothing I’ve said there’s also this hobo dante-devimaycry-magneto man, and I can’t believe this sentence makes sense. anyway he made that “boulder-punching asshole” joke referring to chris redfield and it was probably the only easter egg that really landed for me and boy did it land hard. I have not seen him punch the boulder in re5, mind. I had only heard about how funny it is from friends. and here this dude was, probably in the same exact mindset as me, trying to grapple with that insane mental image. with you on that ian mckellen, loud and clear

I advocate vehemently against the shallow pursuit of hyper photorealism in art direction but I gotta admit it works really in favor of immersive horror like this. the european village shacks especially gave me super unchill flashbacks to my rural countryside retreat in western georgia. I could smell the linoleum dude. not cool

faces are weird in this game. can’t place it. nice textures, good animation, but the modeling template is... uuh strange? and the hair. it has that clustered-flat-clumpy look that harkens to something very specific and unpleasant but I just don’t know what. sue me

griffin’s mental aptitude to take all this shit in stride and end every seemingly traumatizing bossfight involving some fucking eldritch being yet unseen through mortal eyes by essentially throwing out an MCU quip is just. What the fuck dude? I mean that was funny how you casually yelled the f-word at a god damn werewolf that you considered a fairy tale an hour ago but are you like, all right?? it was swinging a sledgehammer the size of a bus at you, ethan

oh oh the vampires are afraid of cold and your last name is winters. I get it haha

Pro Gamer Nitpick: boss fights seemed a bit unnecessarily long?? idk why the youtuber we picked decided the ENTIRE propeller man fight counted towards the vital story scenes he was stitching together, but man mr big daddy lite there really had some get up and go huh??

why are they saying dimitrescu.. like that. is it really how you say that word or is the english language relapsing into its fetish for ending every single word with a consonant at all costs

I’m not saying it’s a dramatic miss of a twist in context of all that’s going on, but the “you died in the last game actually and have been DC’s clayface ever since” revelation is low-key. it’s. it’s just funny to me, I dont know what to say. century-old god-witch fails her evil plan after she mistakenly removes heart from what was definitely NOT just some white guy with eight fingers after all

chris realizing he’s about to become the player character and immediately swapping out his tsundere trenchcoat for the muscletight sex haver sweater

the little bluetooth speaker-sized pipe bomb he taped to his knife was nuclear?? really??? I must have missed something because that is just too good. I buy it though I totally buy it. chris just got them fun-sized nukes in his car trunk for, you guessed it, Situations

anyway this is all for now just wanted to briefly touch on how unexpectedly funny and tonally irreverent this seemingly serious game turned out to be. did not articulate any cathartic story beats whatsoever but my god it had fun connecting those plot points. he just fucking put his severed hand back on his stump and it Just Worked todd howard get in here

[geekkatsblog]

Another useless Grey's anatomy episode review but this time it's about 16×10

The episode on a whole was cool, and I did peep at Station 19 before, because I hate being lost, but then I skipped over most of it, because some how or the other, Station 19 doesn't appeal to me. Grey's had this Magical feel to it especially in the first few seasons that kept me coming back and with Station 19 it just isn't there. Besides the scenes with Ben and Bailey. Which sucks because most of their scenes are now on Station 19 😤😤😤.

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Jo and A̶L̶E̶X̶

I was really concerned about Jo leaving the show as well. But it seems like Alex is just going to stay in Iowa for now, until they probably decide to kill him off (they can only use the sick mom excuse for so long.) But for now I'm going to enjoy happy Jo.

I was so concerned when she stole the baby because the last time someone stole a baby, it was hell (Mer). Jo was so adorable with the baby all night long, but as cute as she was, it seems like I was one of the only people who didn't want her to adopt the baby. With Alex not there and not coming back she was just going to end up raising him by herself especially if they do end up killing off Alex that would just be torture for my poor girl, so I was glad when someone came for the fire station baby.

Jo also gave us some insite to Irish doctor's background (Mcwidow, Mcwinow???), He has 2 teenage boys. I already like him. I don't know how I feel about him for Meredith yet. But as just a character I like him. However I resent him just a little for being Karev's replacement, but that isn't his fault🤷🏾‍♀️.

He seems to be hated by all of the fans so far but didn't we all hate Mcsteamy and Addison when they first came?

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The Residents

Just going to lump them into one group because I really don't know them too well, which means I shouldn't try to go into too much detail without knowing about them.

Nico and Schmidt continue to be adorable as always. For a little while I thought they were going to kill one of them but it was all fine. And did glasses really faint in another OR? 🤦🏾‍♀️ I'm afraid of going solo. I love the little scene with Schmidt and Mer where he's apologizing and she tells him, she forgives him. That was sweet (and don't worry Schmidt, shes forgiven people for a lot worse.)

Helm, had a rough night, chest cracked and everything (rejected by her crush). I kinda saw her confession to Meredith coming and I'm kinda glad that they got that out of the way, because now she can move on to people that will be able to love her back, let's face it Meredith was not going to be that person. She is undoubtedly into men, hence the comment in the earlier seasons 'we screw boys like whores on tequila.' In the end Helm pulled through, thanks mainly to Dr Webber and her and Schmidt made up, thank God because that boy couldn't take her rejection at that point, he already had the broken heart syndrome.

Parker I definitely don't know well, I honestly thought he had been one that was fired among the many, but I guess I was wrong. I only know that he's transgender I think, and he can hack like a CIA agent. He has PTSD same as Owen and apparently Teddy. But Teddy and Amelia were able to treat him. That's all that happened really on last nights episode with him. I feel like he was just there to make Amelia and Teddy spend time together honestly.

_________________________________________

Amelia and Link

In the name of the lord, dont give Owen another child or make him start yet another love triangle he's had enough and ruined enough.

Amelia should have gone with her idea and dragged Link to dinner because if they had left 5 minutes earlier they could have skipped the proposal that made her lose her nerves.

Next week's trailer shows her telling him and I hope there isn't too big of a time jump because the longer she waits to tell him the angrier hes going to to be especially with something like this. I understand not telling Owen after the moments and talks her and Teddy shared but she needs to tell Link, I don't want them to break up 😭😭😭😭.

And how cute is Link and his excitement to be a dad? I hope they don't crush him by making Owen the father or worse break him and Amelia up because they want to create yet another Owen and Teddy love triangle.

I'm living for that Link and Jo content he's like her older brother and I loved the moment with him, Jo and the fire station baby. He's going to be a great dad. I hope he can have a family with Amelia.

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Teddy and Owen

Now let's give Teddy a round of applause for all of the s**t shes been through with Owen and still comes back. He brought her to the hospital as a gift for his girlfriend, and she clearly thought he brought her there because he liked her. Then he got jealous when she tried to move on. Played around with her by pretending to be unsure between her and Cristina, tried to get her fired. Then she left and he married Cristina and that failed, then he married Amelia. When Amelia didn't work out he went to Teddy only because Amelia told him to, so she finally stood up for herself only to find be suckerpunched and find out she's pregnant move all the way back to Seattle, finally gets to be with him he proposes and now is going to be thrown into another hot mess 😪.

Owen's proposal as much as it wasn't out of 'obligation' it was out of something else. He married her because he was afraid Koracick was going to snatch her away after he learnt Koracick wasn't the douche he thought he was and instead of talking to Teddy about it he dropped on one knee 🤦🏾‍♀️, oh boy. And to top it all off after Amelia drops her bomb Teddy might very well end up with the very man he married her for. I just want Teddy to finally be happy.

I can smell an Owen love triangle coming, I just can't tell if it's with Koracick or Amelia.

This is why I needed Henry to live. Then there wouldn't be this mess. 😭😭😭😭

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Ben and Bailey

😭😭😭😭😭 They killed me the whole night, from Ben trying to help out in the hospital to keep an eye on her, to him asking Richard to take over the task in the OR. (If you can't love me like Ben Warren. Don't talk to me.)

Richard: "Are you ok?"

Ben: "No, but Miranda comes first."

Me: 💘💘💘💘💔💔💔💀☠

They're both hurting so much and just working through the pain.

Ben blaming himself is so sad and although Bailey was the one carrying the baby, I feel like Ben ins't getting a chance to release his pain as well. He was so excited and then he just lost it all, and his wife won't talk to him about it, then he thinks its his fault. Bailey may have assured him it wasn't but that's not enough to take away those doubts. Someone please just give him a hug.

Bailey needs a therapist because she needs to talk to someone and understandably so She's been there from the beginning. Floods, shootings, bus crashes etc. Everyone around her is dying and it's scary. She needs to talk.

I can't even express how happy I was to see Bailey and Webber together again. I was afraid that they would have never reconciled after the whole Minnick and then her firing him thing. I loved every moment of them together onscreen together and through it all he was there for her even now when they're working at different hospitals. It was perfect, her breaking down in his arms (although she needs one of those with Ben as well.) The scene in the end when Meredith brought donuts and tissues and the three Ogs sat on the couch I almost cried because they're the only ones left and it was almost surreal seeing them there.

BUT as satisfying as it was to see that, I know Richard heard that Maggie quit. Gossip travels too fast at Grey Sloan, you mean he never even checked on her. No phone call, text, visit nothing? He better show up there next episode. It's his family causing the mess. Hopefully he can help solve it when he hears she's being sued. The last thing we need is Maggie being depressed for a long time 😖 (don't get me wrong, I don't mind her character but hurt Maggie eventually becomes annoying Maggie.)

________________________________________

Meredith

Meredith had no main storyline this episode, besides handing out forgiveness and attempting to start a conversation with the Dr Irish, who basically ignored the attempt and walked off 🤔. Are we sure Cristina meant to send him? I'm very curious to hear how he knows Cristina and why she sent him for Meredith.

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Deluca

Is having regrets, probably because he knows another stupid Mer love triangle is coming.

I'm not sure I even ship him and Meredith. But I'm gonna need them to pick a guy for her or leave her alone. Having her bounce from relationship to relationship isn't as cute as it used to be.

Plus I may be wrong, but there has to be a point why he was there when Maggie was served. Are they going to start spending time together🤔?

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Richard

No plot, just there for Bailey. His is coming soon though. I'm glad it didn't start tonight, we had enough drama last night without Catherine's eccentric ones, looking forward for it to come though.

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Maggie

Not seen until the end when she got served with papers from her own blood. Geeze that guy was an ass. He hated her from the beginning. That was one time I wished Richard hadn't backed her up because, her cousin and her dad didn't want Maggie to do the surgery, but eventually let her because she was the best and Richard backed her up.

Why is he acting like that anyway? Wasn't the whole point of Maggie doing the surgery, was because it was risky and already had a low success rate??? I understand it hurts but suing Maggie isn't going to solve it. It was already a tricky surgery.

But I guess it gives Maggie a story line so🤷🏾‍♀️.

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Jackson

...................... Is there, I guess, throwing shade, dating a fire fighter and carrying on the work and teachings of Mark Sloan.

Him telling Karacick that he should bring a camera crew to film his surgery and burning Owen by telling him he marries everyone was golden.

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But after everything I have 2 questions.

Who were the random people that were suddenly working in the hospital?

(the woman in surgery with Owen and Jackson, who didn't know Teddy and Owen were dating looks familiar. But Idk.)

Next Question what hell was the point of Pac North?

(Now that Alex is gone is that going to disappear to Iowa as well?)Color me confused.

[feathersandblue]

I don't think you're being fair to Madi. You're only looking for ways to make Silver look better than he is. He betrayed Flint and Madi because he couldn't stand the thought of losing her, it's not as if he really cared about anyone else. Silver did a fucked-up thing, he betrayed the woman he claimed to love and he sent her away so she couldn't stop him. And then he treated her as if she was the one who needed to "understand" what he did, like, that's some form of gaslighting right there. ---1

No. HE betrayed her, and he needs to understand what that betrayal cost her. Not only her but every enslaved person in the Americas. Silver had no right to do what he did. I hate that the showrunners didn’t address that. She should have kicked him out. He has no right to be on her island. Silver betrayed her, and I really hope she leaves him and he spends the rest of his life being miserable. —2

Nonnie, I think you’re a little too used in seeing things only in black and white. You’re accusing me of wanting to make Silver look better than he is, but the only thing I get from your aks is that you mean, I have to see him like you do. 

I’ve written plenty about Silver, his motives, his reasons, yet you’re addressing none of my arguments and basically just repeating “what he did was wrong, he had no right” like a Hail Mary of Black Sails interpretation.

Look, you dont have to agree with me, but if you send me an ask, I’d appreciate it if you took the time to come up with something that goes beyond a reiteration of “Silver is a horrible human being.”

A couple of other things. 

1. When you say, “Silver had no right to do what he did” - then I wonder what that means, exactly, because we’re clearly not talking about any kinds of “rights” granted by law here. We’re talking about your idea of what Silver should or shouldn’t be allowed to do, what kind of power he should or shouldn’t wield, and it means that you feel that his agency should come with stipulations that you, personally, impose on it, based on your own sense of morality but also on what you, personally, find especially offensive. 

This is an interesting approach, and it’s pretty easy to see how, when applied to other examples, it’s becoming a mostly arbitrary judgment of certain characters and their actions. 

Did Anne have the right to kill her crew for Max’ sake? 

Did Flint have the right to kill Gates? 

Did Flint have the right to sink that merchant vessel in 3.02? 

Did Miranda have the right to ask for a pardon without telling Flint?

Did Vane have the right to take the fort from Hornigold? 

Did Madi have the right to ask Silver to dispose of Billy?

Basically, when people say, “this person didn’t have the right to do that thing”, they are usually very particular and subjective in their judgement. 

2. “Gaslighting” is not what Silver is doing with Madi in the scene. He’s telling her what he did, and he voices the hope that she will be able to understand and forgive him. He declares his own determination to wait, for as long as it takes. That’s not gaslighting. He’s not making her doubt her own perception. He’s not lying to her (or at least not in a way that he isn’t also lying to himself). Justifying yourself to someone, and describing your actions in a way that is meant to make other people understand them and relate to you is not the same thing as trying to deceive them. “Gaslighting” has become one of these terms people tend to throw around without knowing what they mean. But in this case, it’s really not appropriate.

3. Concerning the fact that “he betrayed Flint and Madi because he couldn’t stand the thought of losing her, it’s not as if he really cared about anyone else”, that’s an oversimplification.

Yes, it was the prospect of losing Madi that was the catalyst for Silver’s decision to side with Jack and Max. And, yes, his motivation was that he couldn’t bear to lose her, and that he wanted her safe more than he wanted her to have that war she desired. But, and here’s where the text is on my side, that is not all there is to it.

 I’ve written extensively about how Flint is motivated by rage and desperation to wage this war. But it doesn’t change the fact that he has good arguments on his side for why this war is necessary, and that he sees a fundamental, systemic form of injustice and wants to fix it. Flint’s actions are both selfish and altruistic, in that he wants a better world for everyone involved, but the reasons why he pursues this goal in such an extreme and uncompromising fashion have nothing to do with altruism and everything to do with his rage and grief. 

Silver, on the other hand, is a survivor, someone who lacks that inherent ambition to change the world for the better. He gets drawn into this war for a variety of reasons, and he follows Flint’s example for the better part of season four without ever believing in his goals. For that reason, it’s much more difficult for him to determine whether it is really the right path. He’s deeply conflicted, and that innner struggle becomes more pronounced as he sees the price that other people have to pay for Flint’s war. Silver is not sure that it’s a good thing. But it’s only the experience of almost losing Madi that propels him into action,the thing that finally tips the scales. However, the underlying understanding of the war as a wasteful and horrible thing is not rooted in that - rather, it’s a a part of the way in which Silver understands the world. It’s fundamentally different from the way Flint and Madi see it. The show has made it very clear that while Flint and Madi are shaped by their history - their personal experiences - the same is true for Silver, even though his past is not revealed in detail. This fundamental difference in personality - in the way these characters view the world and their own place in it - is not something that can be the subject of moral judgment.

The conflict between Silver and Flint is not one between selfishness on Silver’s part and altruism on Flint’s, because both of them have selfish and altruistic motives. The conflict between them is as old as humanity itself - what is the price of a war, and is that price worth paying? 

For as long as humanity exists, this question has not been answered, and I expect it never will be. People who have gone through a war, who have experienced its horrors first hand, are often among those who try their hardest to prevent another one. For example, the current era of peace in Europe, brokered after WWII, was the result of an agreement that the two world wars had been so horrible that war was no longer an option. 

And yet, inevitably, there are always people who, faced with the reality of a corrupt and crumbling system of government that presumably withstands all their attempts to reform it from within, think that a revolution is necessary. Of course, these people start out with the best of intentions, but the result is often an ecalation of violence that turns countries into warzones and wastelands.

Black Sails is a show about pirates and outcasts, and we are meant to sympathize with their struggles. It would hardly make sense otherwise. And so, understandably, it spends less time showing the aftermath of a battles than the battle itself and its victories. For example, we see the battle on maroon island, and we see Flint, Silver, and Madi victorious - we don’t the women and children mourning their husbands and fathers, parents mourning their chilren, we don’t see the wounded dying in agony, we don’t see the corpses being thrown into a mass burial site. 

In season four alone, Nassau is raided twice - once when the pirates retake it from the governor, the second time when the Spanish raid the island. The Spanish invasion is shown in greater detail - the rapes, the plundering, the killing - and because it was Rogers who ordered it, who is clearly painted as a villain, we are quick to blame him for it. But in truth, the Spanish raid was only another turn of the downward spiral which several parties contributed to. 

For a US American TV show, Black Sails is actually rather good at describing the historical dialectics of revolution, counter-revolution, war, peace, action and reaction, that we can see everywhere in history - and it’s very good at showing two conflicting view points which are irreconcilable, and which are also universal to the human condition - everywhere, at any time where people disagree on how to best fight systemic injustice. In the Black Sails finale, one of these view points is vocalized by Silver, who has just gone through a personal awakening of sorts - almost losing Madi, realizing, through an encounter with the cook on board of the Lion how far he, himself, has come in turning into Flint. The importance of that scene can not be overstated - really, for Silver, it’s like coming full circle, realizing that from a person who was trying to protect himself from acts of violence, he has turned into a person who routinely engages in them; from someone who wants to escape a war to someone who brings it about. It’s the moment where Silver realizes that he has become the very thing that turns other people’s life into a fucking nightmare. The other viewpoint is vocalized by Flint, who believes that changing the world for the better requires to bring civilization down, that the only way to make progess is through a violent revolution.

There is no middle ground between those positions, in that moment, there is no way to overcome that fundamental divide. 

No matter where you, personally, stand on this issue, I think that denying the significance of this conflict between Flint and Silver, and the fact that there are valid arguments made on both side -  treating the whole thing as it if was nothing more than Silver being a selfish asshole - means doing a massive disservice to a show that has given us these wonderful, layered characters, and an excellently written storyline that includes many universal and highly difficult, complex topics, and doesn’t shy away from leaving this conflict unresolved, which is something very rare.

[when-he-seesme-moved]

anybody have a map, waving through a window, if i could tell her, you will be found, words fail, good for you, finale, connor murphy, zoe murphy. sorry for asking so many, ev.

anybody have a map: where in the world do you want to go the most?

new york! specifically around the theater district! it just has the most amazing pull to it i feel like i have to get there one day! even if i dont know how!,

waving through a window: which character in the show do you relate to the most and why?

man if you asked me this like last year i would have said alana because i fucking feel that high functioning anxiety so bad? but now, its evan. i dont know what there is to say. hes just. hes a flawed character of course like every other character in the show and yet his portrayal and all just resonates ive never felt anything like it ive never seen myself represented so… so… i dont know how to say it but yeah. evan? fucking definitely. why am i saying fucking so much. its 2am. let me say fuck. im getting sidetracked

if i could tell her: if you could spend 24 hours with any one person, who would you spend it with and what would you two do?

do they mean… ANY person. as in ANY? because if so id hang out with lin manuel miranda and i dont know what id do id just want to talk to him as much as i can. maybe we’d go for a walk in a park! if the weather is pretty, that is. but im guessing this question might not mean this? i dont know. but like, as in personally who id spend time with? uhh… probably one of my friends… im not sure who… im stuck between four people,, but overall, probably my pal charlotte! ive known her for… how many years? about… 8 years? or more. thats most of my life. holy fucking shit. we’ve done so much stuff together though including more joint birthdays than not joint birthdays, and our holiday to london a few years back. but yeah shes GREAT and its super fun spending time with her! i spend a lot less time with her ever since we went to separate school which is sad but ya. i love her xoxo to charlotte even though she’ll never read this haha

you will be found: what’s your biggest life goal?

if you’ve knwon me for more than 2 minutes im sure you’d be able to tell but i want to be on a STAGe i want to do what i love overall my biggest life goal would be to get on broadway or west end stages or anything like that even as ensemble or a side character or an understudy whatever i just want to BE THERE. oh my god that sounds weird.

words fail: which song in the show makes you cry the most and why?

this is strange but. waving through a window. its not even painted as a sad song i know but god its hthe smost amazing and closest experienc e of anxiety and insecurity and all that put into words and it overwhelms me every time and im genuinely tearing up typing this right now thinking about it waving through my window is my entire life and just some ways it sounds just completely ruin me. on more than one occasion i’ve spent more than 30 minutes curled up in my bed crying and singing/thinking of waving through a wdndow.

good for you: what’s one thing you will always stand up for?

im a very very timid person. there arent a lot of things i will vocalize to be honest. i know its a fault of mine and that its as bad as the perpetrator to just sit and listen and not do anything and im working on it. but something i do  stand up for? i suppose… i dont really know hwo to put it but god i… i really dont know how to put it in words. i just want wpeople treated like people and it makes my b lood boil any conversations or actions that say otherwise. and when my blood boils i get angry yet unfortunately im not very intimidating when im angry ecause  i frustration cry. im crying right now actually. im a very small and tearful person you see.

finale: if you were to write your own ending to this show, what would your ending be?

i cant say id change a thing. something i love about deh is its realistic ending just. evan is slowly improving (i mean, earlier his anxiety was so bad he couldnt even  order food online and now he works in a job (i dont remember the exact name. but it seems to be a sort of retail-ish job. which typically includes talking to people or interacting with them even a tiny bit. and thats a gigantic leap for him. hes learning to cope and things are slowly easing up. but its not unrealistic as in everything falls into place. its not lik e oh hey evan got milliosn from the connor project and uhhh married zoe or whatever. its just. tranquil. and perfect.)so,………. its great.

connor murphy: what’s one thing about the world you want to change?

can we……… stop being such dicks……….. just in general

zoe murphy: describe someone who is of great importance in your life?

hey hey hey pda time!!! okay so my qpp is just the most amazing person i adore him so much hes been there for me more than any person id expect he puts up with me and even without considering me, hes genuinely just one of the kindest people i have ever met. hes just so kind. he has the warmest most giving and big heart ive ever encountered and i appreciate him. hes brilliant and amazing and kind and everything about him is so special oh so special and i want him to know that he is so freaking loved. id livefr u naeggs

thank you for sending these asks!!! i enjoyed answereng i them!!! sorry it took so long it took a while for me to gather enough energy to tackle this head on lmao ripperoni!!! also holy SHIT im sorry its so long LOOK AT THIS THING. ITS MASSIVE. rip

[lilacponds]

VLD, Mass Effect, Harry Potter and Percy Jackson?

Thanks for sending some!! ♥

I’ll put this under a readmore for the poor souls that follow me tbh

VLD

the character i least understand

i think zarkon?

interactions i enjoyed the most

all lance and keith interactions are interesting, enjoyable and fun, tbh? i love everyone and everyone’s interactions but theirs are my fave

the character who scares me the most

i dont think anyone scares me?

the character who is mostly like me

def hunk, no questions

hottest looks character

i rly rly rly like shiro,,

one thing i dislike about my fave character

help... theres nothing i dislike about lance... hes too precious... hes my love.....

one thing i like about my hated character

uhhh i guess i could go with haggar? and that would be making her cat immortal

a quote or scene that haunts me

ohhh when the ship got a virus and allura had to destroy the thing that like let her see a hologram of her father, and she saw all these memories and she hugged the hologram and it broke. it def haunts me

a death that left me indifferent

i dont know?? man i cant even say rover bc i loved rover, im too emotional

a character i wish died but didn’t

i dunno?? i guess zarkon?? i dont really have a death wish on him or anything, its rare for me to have strong negative feelings rly

my ship that never sailed

i ship pretty much anything, so thats hard to say? i cant say klance because i just like their current interactions and i dont think id like for it to become canon at this point in time. plance maybe? i like that ship a lot

Mass Effect

the character i least understand

man its hard to say when ive only played mass effect 2 and it was a while ago and i have a terrible memory, i havent played far into the first game at all

uhhh miranda maybe

interactions i enjoyed the most

shepard and tali!!! i love them

the character who scares me the most

scares me? hmmm. wrex maybe? i dunno

the character who is mostly like me

okay i took a quiz and got tali and im like, shes too badass to be compared to me??

hottest looks character

shit man i find garrus really really really hot i cant even try to deny it or pretend its not a big as crush as it is but i just really love him (both as a person and aesthetically tbh......)

one thing i dislike about my fave character

uhhh idek who my fave character is?? i guess garrus?? i dont know what is there that i dislike tbh

one thing i like about my hated character

my response is actually the same as yours: miranda, and how she cares about her sister. shes the character i like less but that love for her sister got her some positive points

a quote or scene that haunts me

man the end of mass effect 2 i got because i just spent time travelling around instead of going to save my crew right away i fucked up and it will haunt me forever

a death that left me indifferent

i dont know?? i cant even remember which characters ive seen die apart from legion and that def didnt leave me indifferent. i cried

a character i wish died but didn’t

ohhhhh whats-his-name, uhh, the illusive man! on one point i understand what he means but on the other hes a giant asshole

my ship that never sailed

i guess shepard/tali bc i havent done any playthroughs where i romance her yet lmao

Harry Potter

the character i least understand

dumbledore tbh

interactions i enjoyed the most

harry and luna interactions! i love them

the character who scares me the most

sirius scared me at first but hes a nerd. the dursleys, perhaps

the character who is mostly like me

quiz time

apparently im more like ron, two different quizzes said so

hottest looks character

Hermione tbh

one thing i dislike about my fave character

whos even my fave??? jk its luna, and i cant think about anything i dislike okay if i have a fave i love everything about them even the stupid things they might do

one thing i like about my hated character

theres nothing i like about snape lbr

a quote or scene that haunts me

dobbys death

a death that left me indifferent

snapes death

a character i wish died but didn’t

i dunno?? theres no one i think, i dont have strong feelings towards anyone tbh

my ship that never sailed

harry/luna tbqh

Percy Jackson

the character i least understand

probably dionysus tbh

interactions i enjoyed the most

percy and rachel interactions!! theyre so much fun??

the character who scares me the most

scares me? probably kronos? for... whatever happened to luke, tbh

the character who is mostly like me

im. speechless right now tbh

i had to take four quizzes to be sure. one said annabeth and one said selina.

two said percy.

what

hottest looks character

,,,luke is pretty hot. also rachel

one thing i dislike about my fave character

my baby nico, oh man. nothing. theres nothing i dislike. hes my precious son. 

one thing i like about my hated character

clarisse so far, and?? just the side that we dont get to see. the caring and patient side, when she cares for chris before dionysus can heal him. that made me start to like her more, honestly

a quote or scene that haunts me

zoes death??? i want to cry again now??

a death that left me indifferent

pans, probably?? like that was sad and all but i wasnt full on crying like for zoes

a character i wish died but didn’t

goddamn kronos needs to die (altho he might, i aint finished yet)

my ship that never sailed

perachel, i like them too much

[ggiame]

all the stuff under the cut

Everything is wrong at the moment, its 70 degrees in february, DT is president, and everything just seems transitional and out of place and temporary. I have 6 jobs right now. im working all the time and yet theres no money. i dont know. just having one of those weird surreal chunks of weeks that im trying to capture with a long text post on a public forum. here we go. 

(heads up, me and my therapist named and externalized my anxiety into a character I call ‘chanel’ after the terrible ex and I quote her for clarities sake when ‘quoting’ my anxiety. so yeah. thats who chanel is)

money:

none, somehow. 

work:

float sixty, leghorn chicken, aloft reception, pole teaching, online tutor, property manager, and also segway is coming back and also maybe still street performing? dude. 

okay highlights version

F60: my boss is Lia, a White Lady who used to work in the beauty industry and is On. a. Diet. She is neurotic and perfectionistic but also a weird hippie which is an odd combination of traits i happen to understand well so we get along nicely. She likes me and I like her. All of my co workers seem cool. Also There is a Cute Boy there who i know next to nothing about.

LH: wow okay its food service but i really like my co workers and also the food is decent but not addicting and i do make some tips. Im making friends there the fastest but its also the job im least attached to. conflicting feelings. 

Prop Man: oh my god. rats. broken washing machines. broken stoves. intrigue. sabotage. tune in sundays at 8/7c

My family was joking yesterday that i have the “Karlin Family Work Ethic” and that i was doing too much but somehow i still feel like a lazy, useless, slug who should really just work a little harder. Weird. 

The injury-----

The elbow is healing relatively fast. it still feels like a year and a day since i last climbed a rope. its probably two weeks out from being -mostly- functional. right now its int htat good enough for life but not for circus zone. Also now im kinda scared of going back up a rope. which is. not. good. but ill deal with when i get there. fear is the worst. ugh. 

FeElings-------------

Okay theres a lot of relationship feelings stirring around in my life despite the fact that i have no significant other and here’s why. 

boys: 

east coast boy- just as bad at keeping in itstouch as I am. is still wonderful. but its been so long theres really only echoes left. 

west coast boy: all that weird buildup for an extremely short lived fling that did next to nothing to release all that pent up wierdness. it continues. This boy is much better at keeping in contact.  its getting harder for me to keep talking to him as it gets clearer that neither of us is going anywhere soon. 

work boy: cute, seems cool, but i have no idea who he is at all. 

tinder boy: i like him a lot, but im not attracted to him yet and i dont want to do that to another person. also can i make myself be attracted to someone? thats playing with too many things. no answers yet. needs more pondering. 

Other work boy: Chanel  “he did not come to the diner with you on valentines day. has not liked any of your social media posts. probably hates you and also thinks youre ugly. its okay you probably wont see him for another two months.”

Girls and others:

Theres a couple straight girls im into and we all know how that goes. They have boyfriends. it sucks. 

the circus one:i havent seen this person in a frustratingly long time. dammit. 

also im still afraid of flirting with girls because of Amber Chanel B. the Ex from Hell. which is super awesome. 

not. 

The Room Mate:

1) is mysterious and doesnt say much

2) is clearly in a bad mood a lot. cause shes working sleeping or working out and never gets a second to herself. 

3) which totally means that shes mad AT ME ALL THE TIME 

4) and she has taken this super central place in my anxiety tornado which I am now worried that she is aware of and annoyed by. which is also part of the tornado. yeah. 

The pot: 

wow i started to get into serious problem territory this past month and i felt it building up to the moment. which happened a few days ago. i came to this conclusion

- I have the capabilities of controling and being responsible with my drug usage but my situation right now is making that difficult. The next time i end up on solid emotional ground ill stop until the cravings go away.- 

and here i am. the good weather is helping a lot and i finally felt ready to cut myself off for a while, so i smoked it all and now im out and well see how this goes. 

Bonus---Musings on hunger and stuff-----

So body talk. 

Ive been injured and unable to exercise the way i like

ive taken a job in a fried chicken place. 

so yeah i have some weight gain and acne and loss of muscle tone and its making my body image issues flare up. So ive been doing okay and I havent made myself vomit but I have been eating noticeably less and ive started to just kinda let myself be hungry more which is something i had forgotten about. 

and then i was thinking about it and I realize that im part of this weird subgroup of extremely priveleged people who also know what its like not to eat for 3 days at a time, or what its like to eat less than a thousand calories a day for more that a month, and that I got complimented for what that did to me. I would sleep through classes and almost pass out when i stood up all the time but i weighted 105 pounds and everyone said i looked great.  its a weird thing especially cause it was never really about how I looked, and was entirely about trying to control myself when i have needs that are at odds with my situation. 

Then i thought about last year when i was training so much that my body could not get enough food, but my anxiety and depression were at such a place that I could barely eat, and the way that kind of hunger was different. I had never vomited from hunger before but I got to find out what that was like. That was where the weed problem really started btw cause if I hadnt had pot last year I would not have eaten at all and would probably be dead. Having anxiety so bad that your stomach clenching makes you nauseous and then you get nauseous with hunger on top of that and then you have to fly to ankansas to be at your fav cousins wedding and manage to pull it off and not be a zombie. whew. 

Also I would like to thank lin manuel miranda because (along with pot) Hamilton is what got me through that experience. 

yeah.  

thats all for now.