#(( and she knows she shouldnt be sharing half these things at all

[akaneoxo]

Breaking Dishes

Summary: You send your boyfriend Sukuna a text you instantly regret.

MDNI

WC: 1355

You bite your lip nervously eyeing the door to the shared apartment for probably the fifth time in the last fifthteen minutes. You fucked up. You fucked up badly. Half of you wishes you had a time machine to correct your mistakes. Like really wished. There are no sorries when it comes to your boyfriend. He believes strongly that whenever someone says something they mean it. He isn't wrong. You meant it in the moment, but certainly not now. You only said it to get him angry. The bratty part of you is still relishing in the fact you got a rise out of your usually level headed man. Your level headed man that was definitely on his way to fuck your shit up. 

You check your phone again to see no new notifications. Just the last message he sent before you squealed and tossed your phone on the bed. Standing up and walking into the kitchen you shakily pour a glass of water just to give yourself something to do. It was a petty argument. Of all the things. The fucking dishwasher is what you decide to argue about. Not barely seeing each other for the last two weeks (only in passing), not the endless late nights out, not the lack of phone calls and communication. The fucking dishwasher.

You've reminded him time and time again just to unload the dishes, He remembers to do everything except that. Cooks you dinner before heading out to work, stuffs your messenger bag with your favorite snacks before you head to your classes, takes out the trash and even folds your laundry from time to time. You probably shouldn't have even got as angry as you were in the first place.

Is it that fucking hard to unload the dishwasher Sukuna?

You watch as within the minute your message is marked as seen and within that same minute three dots jump rhythmically as he types his response.

On my way to fix that rn.

You know he's not talking about the dishwasher. 

He's talking about your attitude.

You nearly jump out of your skin when the lock on the front door turns. You suddenly hate the open layout of your apartment, Wishing there was a wall that blocked out the living room. You make eye contact with him as he locks the door behind him before stalking into the kitchen. Clearing your throat you push back some of the flyaways from your messy bun suddenly feeling cold in your pink slip nightgown. You try to damage control as he clears the living room in long unhurried strides.

“Uhm im sorry. S-shouldnt have lashed out like that. I-”

You think he's reaching for the dishwasher but he grabs you by your hips and pins you over it. The cool granite makes you shiver as he rests his weight against  you. You squeak when he pushes your legs together tightly. You try again.

“Kuna i'm really sorr”

“I dont give a shit how sorry you are” He sighs out boredly before pushing your short nightgown over your plush rear. You gasp when he squats down without warning. Warm palms on your ass spread you so far your nether lips separate and your pussy is on full display for him. “I wanna know how sorry she is about that fucking attitude.” 

You moan loudly when a familiar pierced tongue finds your clit. Tracing it lightly before he presses a wet smooch against your folds. Instead of giving your clit the attention it so desperately needs he turns his head and kisses your left thigh. You try to spread your legs and he chuckles “Mmm keep your legs closed baby” he speaks into your pussy before turning away again and kissing your right thigh. You feel him smile when you shuffle your legs a little closer. You can't help but be a little fidgetly. He has your pussy spread and hes just-

“Fuck”

Tongue fucking you. 

You try to reach for anything to keep grounded as he groans into your slick. Moving his head with tongue. Alternating between burying his tongue into your cunt and placing wet open mouth kisses around your entrance. Rising on your tiptoes and whimpering when an arm locks around the front of your thighs pulling you more fully into his face. Moving his tongue in and out your hole at a fast pace. And there's still no stimulation on your clit but it's okay. If he keeps this up you can cum like this. One of his hands is sliding up between your thighs. You barely pay mind to it too busy grinding your ass into him finding a rhythm where your practically fucking his face. He pulls away from you watching your hole clench around nothing. Desperate to be filled. His eyes drop down to your clit. Swollen and almost pulsing with need. 

Smirking he slides the hand in between your thigh higher watching you pathetically rub your clit against it. It's not really enough to get you off but it's still entertaining to watch you try. You let out a frustrated groan before stomping your foot and he checks that fast by unexpectedly sliding two fingers into your cunt and just as quickly they're gone. He thinks he knows exactly what you need when you let out a frustrated huff. 

“Quiet the temper tantrum for such a needy fucking pussy sweetheart.”

There's a loud smack on your ass before he pulls back spitting on pussy before standing. You whine when you hear him unzip his jeans and there's another smack on the opposite cheek. The pierced head of his cock finds your entrance and you feel tears spring from your eyes as a hand settles on to the back of your neck.

Your cheek is pressed into the cold granite with a squeeze. Mouth hanging open in a silent moan as he sinks into you in one fluid stroke and stills. Trembling you reach a hand behind to rest on his stomach. Freshly manicured french tips curl into his black shirt and pull him into you  because forget the trash-dishes you just missed him and his dick. You really didnt give a fuck about the dishwasher. Leaning over you Sukuna chuckles at your senseless tears. 

“Your such a fucking brat you know that?” He murmurs into your ear as you still try to adjust to him. You can barely hear him over the sound of your own heart beating so loudly. You can feel the blood rushing to your cheeks because he's not moving. He's just watching you struggle to take him. Sukuna kisses your ear before his tongue traces your upper ear. Bringing it into his mouth and sucking it loudly- exactly how you wished for him to do with your clit that's still pleading for this kind of attention despite being so full. He straightens back to his full height. “Texting me bitching about dishes when all you really want is some fucking dick.” He's pulling back slowly, dragging his cock out of your cunt before snapping back into you. Your entire body jerks when he repeats it over and over again. Continuing his pace until you can feel yourself climbing right back to that peak he so rudely denied you a few minutes ago.

A hand tangles itself into your messy bun before dragging you up so that you make eye contact with the ceiling. “My poor little girlfriend huh?” he makes an exaggerated pout at you before grabbing the hand that is still tangled in his shirt. “No one to fill her little pussy for a few days and starts acting bitchy instead telling me she misses me.” 

As loving as your boyfriend is, it's times like this that he reminds you of how mean he can be. 

Confused, you let him guide your hand down to your clit before rubbing slow circles around the bud.

“Gonna make you wish you played with this pussy tonight instead of me princess.”

Likes, comments, & reblogs appreciated 🩵 TY for reading ^.^

[spaloonbabooguuscooties]

You could drink your whole life away and still never get that taste out of your mouth.

half commission for @salempie half completely self indulgent dreck pieced together from our insane conversations abt franke and elka. told myself id finally write a big explanation for all of the dum shit between these two for context so Thats Under The Cut.

so I already wrote some stuff about elka and franke's relationship back in whispering rock so feel free to look at that too . it goes over elkas blindness/‘seeing’ with clairvoyance and how her and franke started talking & all that good stuff

SO FOR STARTERS. a lot of thsi wont make sense without a big breakdown of elka herself. because elkas potential as a character is like insane to me. like just the idea of her in the long run of her life reads as something so potentially tragic; a young girl whos plagued with visions of doom and destined to be an outcast even in her own home for things she cant control and clings to the One vision of her wedding that she thinks is 'happy' even despite the fact she doesnt really love the person in it. im choosing to take the li-po doc as canon here because its funny shes the only one with backstory-

but my fucking god even the smallest look into what her parents are like is soo fucked up to me. and i do think elka especially gets a lot of influence from her mother; its funny how easily you can fit mabel doom into a box just from what elka says about her. knees deep in an avon-esque pyramid scheme and leaning into her daughters depressing ass visions & taking her to therapy at age 11 (which would be good if not for the kind of person you can already assume she is & so i doubt the therapist she has really does her any good. i think they share one). she reads as a very I Am My Daughters Best Friend type of mom to me and i can see elka being a centerpiece of the conversation when she has her Amway Girls over for drinks. wine-mom that lets her kid sip from the glass so she can feel like a big girl type deal.

and you can tell that elka is trying to hard to be too mature for her age even in her campster posts. how she writes letters to nils' mom and exchanges baking recipes with her and that feels like she really only interacts with middle aged women and not really many people her own age outside of camp (like her moms friends). which makes sense shed feel the need to ‘grow up’ early when shes probably had to process so many hard things at a young age bc of her visions.

theres a lot of filling the blanks here of course.

elka obsesses over nils to an overbearing degree even despite the fact he treats her like shit ('you promised no talking' and so on) and she treats him bad right back. she leans onto stereotypical heterosexual ideals like taking care of him and overblowing how Manly and Protective JT is and she admires romance stories like pride and prejudice and it feels like she Projects Soooooooo much of what she wants onto boys she barely feels anything for without knowing what its actually supposed to feel like. and clearly she WANTS that ideal future, a happy marriage, an actual romance- but according to nils even when they were dating she ignored him most of the time, which just seems Very Telling

like shes filling a role, overcompensating for emotions and lacktherof she cant digest quite yet, and it only makes more sense when you know shes had visions of their future together. how could that be bad for her? shouldnt it be like the books and movies? but she doesnt really connect the fact that her visions are only for Doomed futures, and if she does she certainly doesnt show it. Doomed relationships. it's been a part of her family for generations and she isn't turning out much different, is she? i dont think she even realizes thats all she ever sees yet, just that its Going to happen. that it's Her future, and it always will be

and like, her only reference for a real marriage so far has been her own parents, and she already Knows they have an affair, and theyre doomed to split, (and i actually like to think they were in rough waters anyway and elka was a child meant to mend a crumbling marriage but thats a whole other thing) and so without a framework for what an actual healthy relationship is supposed to be like she cant really grasp that her relationship with nils Isnt that and isnt ever going to be. she can only cling to this one happy idea of the future, and thats why she keeps chasing him, self fulfilling the actuality of her situation and creating and fostering the unhappy life they will inevitably live together.

and that bleeds into everything else in her life, of course, because as the years go on, as the visions grow in number it just makes sense for her to fall into the predictability of her life. she always knows whats going to happen, her visions are Never wrong- so why try to change things? shes had time to process tragedies days, weeks, months, years before they happen, shes had time to settle into every crack of her life. her parents divorce, her various break ups, her future with the psychonauts.

“and she's already seen so much of a future with [nils] she feels trapped almost. Like she has to be happy in it or else it just means her life is miserable. And it's a mixture of pride and fear of the unknown that keeps her clinging to the One thing she knows. BUT LIKE!!! She knows what's gonna happen! It's easier to grieve when she's been grieving for years... She wants so badly to be happy, But to do that she has to step into the unfamiliar. And that's more terrifying than staying the same miserable person she's always been.”

and thats where franke comes in— and yeah you Do have to take a lot of liberties for frankes character since it’s basically, like, all the info for her is just that shes a Supreme Baby Dyke but thats enough for me. i think she has protective butch itch in her . on campster shes defensive over other women evidenced in the way she keeps watch over the girls cabins for lili when elton is pursuing her . but shes also eager to please and constantly trying to make kitty laugh and also Very naive. but she tries! and i think it only solidifies more as she gets Older and really gets a hold of her feelings & her powers. this is incredibly franke to me

and i think as they grow older together— because i think franke and elka Do stay friends, both because elka is just pathetic and needs that positive connection even if she doesnt realize it and because i think franke is a very Loyal person & annoyingly persistent if you let her be . and i am also a kitty/franke truther. because kittys also important in this web we weave

because i think franke and kitty stay together after camp, to a point— theres a falling out facilitated on kittys end and they break up, but reconnect, and franke kind of... saves kitty from herself a little, from her strict military father whos love only extends thru finances , from her own stifling future , she drives all the way to bakersville in her shitty van handmedowned from her dad and they move in together eventually . they get jobs at the motherlobe , because it’s a pipeline to a decent job, because it’s whats easy, because franke doesn’t really have a future, because she’s never really been good at much, because shes never had much sense, because franke doesnt really care as long as she can live and help, sometimes, if she can, and because kitty’s there, and because elka’s there, and shes so used to being elkas eyes now and shes good at it. shes good at being the muscle of the missions when her colleagues lack it, when hypnosis and predictions arent enough. she likes it that way.

and elka appreciates frankes company. she listens, shes sweet, she does little things for her that no ones ever really put the effort for before; she likes her. franke is strong and bold and makes her laugh and shes always there but god elka cant let go of that future, of that box shes put herself in, that her mothers put her in, of being a Good Wife to a Loving Husband, of getting married normally and falling into unfailing familiarity. thats all shes ever wanted and shes not going to jeopardize that . not for franke, who may not be a boy but is handsome like one, whos always held her after every break up with nils and the men that filled empty days inbetween.

and elka is too stubborn to recognize those feelings anyway. too prideful to accept a way out. too set in her cycle no matter how much she hates it, her little self fulfilling tragedy of her own making, wallowing in her own doom. she struggles for control of her own life when she feels like every choice has been made for her anyway, she puts up her walls and carefully constructs what people see. but franke was always harder to trick, because while empathy isnt a particularly useful psychic power it’s certainly an inconvenient one. all franke has to do is get too close and all those carefully crafted walls fall apart, and elkas control is gone, and thats all she really has. and she tries to distance herself, really she does, but franke is also too persistent. and elka wears gloves, keeps contact that would make her walls crumble from happening as best as she can, but she cant really keep herself from the brief moments where she feels like someone actually fucking cares about her.

and that slightest lack of control, the need to wrestle it back is why she proposes to nils the next time theres a falling out— she knows how it happens, she plans every detail. and he accepts, despite everything. gets her a cheap ring and it feels like lead on her finger and its nothing at all like how shed thought it to be when she was a kid, theres no feather light feeling in her chest, only that dreadful reality that she cant turn this back. BUT WHAT CAN U DO LMAO

elka doesnt tell franke about this engagement until later, on their way back from a mission. late at night when neither of them can sleep, and franke invites elka to smoke in her van, because its been so long since theyve been alone like that, because elkas been so strangely absent lately. and because of everything, because frankes always so damn nice, because elka hates the feel of the ring on her finger, because she let herself get high alone with franke fucking athens whos always been so good at pulling her apart— the truth of it all spills out and its messy and emotional and she hates it, she hates the life shes made for herself, but franke makes it easier to bare and now shes here and shes so close and god she wishes she could see her smile again, she wishes she could see franke, thats all she needs right now and she cant but she can touch her and she can hold her and for tonight, she can be known, she can let those walls crumble, she can be something else just for once here with franke . she can kiss her here in this van, touch that happiness for just a moment, and forget the future that waits for her outside of it. franke begs her to forget the wedding, to just let herself be happy— and god, she wants to, but it means turning her back on everything shes known and everything shes saw to be inevitable, and franke has never been in her future, so if it were supposed to work out why hadnt she seen it and she cant, she cant take that risk but she can have this, even if its temporary, she can have it.

and just as soon as she gets a taste of it, its gone. after that night, after the missions over and theyre back at the motherlobe and have to pretend like nothing happened (franke doesnt, of course she tells kitty about it, she tells kitty about everything.) but that brief moment together haunts elka every time she sees franke, sees herself through frankes eyes, sees herself in her wedding dress because god its all franke can think about! of course it is! she knows how much elkas destroying herself she knows how much misery shes wallowing in that kiss in the van felt like an emotional punch to the teeth and she hasnt ever forgotten it and all she can do is sit and watch while elka throws herself into a loveless marriage. she can come to her wedding and see the way the bride and groom kiss with the emotional weight of a wet towel no matter how hard elka tries to hide it under a pretty dress and bouquets of flowers and meticulous planning.

and elka resents nils but she cant really hate him, its not his fault, not really. he feels trapped just like she does and his feelings of misery only cycle back into hers . they fight and gnash and wear away at each other and its a relationship thats crashed and burned a million times before elka even said i do. and its inevitable that she falls into her mothers habits, a sip of wine here and there to loosen up, until it turns to a glass, until it falls into a bottle on nights when whatever work nils does runs late.

but franke’s still there. shes always been there, hasn’t she? always trying to play knight, always trying to save her, dragging her home when shes stumbling over herself because god who else is going to do it but her? who else is left to care? certainly not nils. never nils. because franke knows her. because franke pities her. shes always pitied her. shes always known. and elka hates it, she resents it, but god in the same breath she’s desperate for it, she envies it to her very bones. elka is a mess but after frankes done with her she has someone to go back to that loves her. and god what elka wouldnt do to have that. to take it and keep it for herself because shes never ever got to have that movie romance shes always wanted.

so now comes this.

because elkas particularly miserable and particularly spiteful and she needs to get franke to understand, just for a moment, drink with her and get on her level and she needs her there with her no matter how her pity makes her feel. no matter how much it makes her shake with anger and envy and desperation, but god the way franke looks at her, the way she still tries to salvage what they have, the soft, slurred way she tells her that it’s okay but its not okay, none of this is okay, it never has been and she just wants franke to shut up and see that, and if she cant then she’ll show her, she’ll show her all the raw angry desperation, with too much teeth and hands that claw and grab and she’ll know why everyones always said she’s too much.

and she knows this puts her on nils’ level too. that this makes her a cheater, that shes no better than he is now. no better than her father and his affair. but god, she wants to be selfish. she wants to be in control. just for once. she wants to feel right and she wants to feel happy and she wants to feel loved. thats all shes ever wanted. and franke will let her have that, just for a little while, at the very least.

anyway. sorry. sorry for being crazy . this isnt even getting into the shit after the comic takes place . elkas stupid brainworld thag she has to overcome in order to finally be allowed in the polycule and live happily ever as worlds first lesbian divorceman

sorry for all the shit i make up instead of caring about actual characters with screentime . bye !

[dullgecko]

In a attempt to be a inclusive of everyone’s needs as possible Jawbone has turned room near the into only food storage there are areas for each races needs and dietary requirements along with areas in them if someone other needs.

There are also areas for common residents of the manor (non manorling bad kids)

Half orc area (Gorgug and the Barkrock)

Mainly meats and other high protein foods

Stocked by Lydia in an attempt to help Gorgug as he eats “too little”

Goblin area (Riz)

90% coffee

Sklonda also stocks it in an attempt to feed Riz some non coffee based foods.

Human area (Kristen, Tracker and Jawbone)

Stocked by Jawbone and Kristen.

What you would expect in the average home

Werewolf area (Tracker and Jawbone)

Stocked by Jawbone

Contains raw meats and dog treats for tracker ( Jawbone has tried to stop Trackrr eating them but can’t)

Infernal (originally tiefling but had to be changed as Fig became more devil than teifling) (Fig)

Stocked by FUg with the help of Gorthalax getting things she can’t

Hell based spices

Whatever hell based food Fig is trying this week

Elf (Adaine, Aelwyn, Sandra lynn)

Stocked by all three members

Similar to the human area but with stupid amounts of fallinel teas that Adaine and Aelwyn drink

Half-elf (Fabian)

Mainly snacks for when he is staying there and for movie nights

Fig steals from this one claiming that she is technically a half elf too. Fabain pretends to hate it but really doesn’t mind

Ghost (Zayn)

Stocked by Jawbone with items from Zayn’s requests

Ghost foods

Half phoenix (Ayda)

Jawbone added this one after Ayda started spending her not working time at Mordred more often than not

A lot of pirate based foods

Foods Ayda knows Fig likes as she knows when fig doesn’t like whatever new hell food she’s trying this week she doesn’t have much else in for herself

In the manor it is practically a crime to steal someone else food and they all respect this apart from fig with Fabian’s.

This system has tripped up guests on many occasions when they accidentally open the wrong cupboard and are slightly confused why it’s only coffee in there.

Stealing food is not allowed but they definitly all share all the time as long as they're asked first. You just have to be careful when choosing snacks out of someone elses area (with permission) because it might be completely unpalatable to your species (or straight up inedible, many a manor resident has accidentally got food poisoning by sampling something they shouldnt).

Human food is the safest, because humans have THE blandest pallet and zero resistances to anything (tracker and jawbone have to stay away from the chocolate, grapes and onions though, they're very allergic).

Elven food is usually fine too, but some of the snacks have weird little magical effects for the 'aesthetics' that interact weirdly with some species. Gorgug had some sort of fancy fairy-bread, and was hiccuping butterflies made of bubbles for three hours afterwards (which was weird, it was SUPPOSED to make your hair change colour for a while before turning back to normal. Adaine wrote the manufacturer a letter stating that there should really be a warning on the label). Adaines cupboard is also stocked with little biscuits she made for fun. People are free to take a few but always try to save some just in case Aelwyn comes to visit.

Gorgug, Rahg and Riz are not allowed to share any of their food that has mushrooms in it except with eachother, especially if its something that has been specifically made for their species (goblin made cured meats are delicious but some species just cant handle a little toadstool). Some of the stuff they can eat is straight up toxic.

[mousydentist]

For reverse trope prompts: I feel like fake amnesia could be super cracky and/ or angsty for kimchay post-breakup. Kim pretending to lose his memory to see if Chay will give him a second chance, OR to try to push Chay further away. Chay using fake amnesia to see how Kim reacts if he thinks Chay doesn't remember getting his heart broken. Or Chay doing it just to fuck with Kim's head for a few mins as payback lol.

ok tysm for the ask and sorry this took a while i probably shouldnt have opened asks right before a three hour exam hdjdjd BUT here it is and. this was hard to do in 500 words so i don’t know what this is dhjdhd but i hope you enjoy

It was around noon when Chay got a text from Porsche that had him sprinting for the elevator: You know Kinn’s brother Kim, right? He’s hurt pretty bad. Chay’d been pissed at Kim for a while, of course, but in the wake of it was the fear that he’d never find someone like Kim again, someone he really, really loved, and a desire not to be alone anymore. Truthfully, he’d nearly taken Kim back after he sent the song. At that moment, he’d seen his own loneliness reflected back at him, and his heart ached. But he’d stayed stubborn and refused to forgive Kim, or even acknowledge his existence. He’d tried to pretend he didn’t care for so long - and now, rushing through winding halls to the compound’s infirmary, all he could do was pray it wasn’t too late. Porsche was right, Kim was in bad shape. His unconscious body was connected to a dozen wires and monitors, and his head was covered in a large wrap that had been bled through.  Chay said nothing as he took a post next to Kinn, and in return, Kinn didn’t ask. They stayed vigil for several hours before Kim finally showed signs of life. Kinn immediately called for the doctor when Kim blinked his eyes open, glancing blearily around the room. When he locked onto Chay, his brows furrowed.  Chay stood close to him, swallowing the lump in his throat. “Hi.” The crease in his brow got larger. “Who…?” Chay’s heart skipped a beat, but he didn’t have time to investigate further before the doctor came back with Kinn and started a volley of questions at Kim. “And do you know who this is?” “My brother, Kinn.” “Great, and the other person?” Kim squinted at Chay’s face. “Am I supposed to know you?” Chay bit the inside of his cheek in an effort not to cry, or throw up, or something else that wouldn’t be helpful. “I’m Porchay.” Kim seemed to understand something then, and for a second Chay thought he might have remembered, but then he said, “Nice to meet you, Porchay.” Chay really did try to listen to the doctor when she pulled him and Kinn aside, but he only heard bits and pieces like “short-term amnesia” and “brain damage” and a bunch of other horrible things. He did hear when she said he’d need to stay under observation for the next few days, and decided maybe this was the universe’s way of telling him to start over with Kim. That night, Chay told Kinn to go sleep in his own bed, that he’d watch over Kim and let him know if anything happened. Chay could tell he needed it, especially when he watched how the man drag himself out of the room. Chay refilled Kim’s water and threw a pillow to one side of the loveseat he’d be sleeping on.  “Psst, psst.” Chay turned around, and sure enough, Kim was waving him over conspiratorially. “How was that?” “Uh…” “Do you think he bought it?” Kim whispered like he was sharing a secret. “What are you talking about?” Chay squinted at him. “Do you think Kinn believed that I didn’t know you?” “Wh- you remember me?” Chay screeched, only feeling half bad when Kim cringed in pain. “Kim, why on earth would I want you to pretend you didn’t know me? He knows we’ve met!” Kim shrugged as much as he seemed to be able to. "I asked if I was supposed to know you." Chay let his face fall into his hands as he flopped to the ground, all the stress and grief of the day finally leaving his body as he cried. “Sorry,” Kim muttered, and Chay just laughed. What the fuck was his life. He did stay with Kim that night, and he spent a lot of it on the floor next to him with Kim’s hand locked in his own.

[kim's texts] Kinn: Did you pretend to have amnesia so Porchay would forgive you? Me: excuse me Me: it’s not my fault he assumed i had amnesia Me: i was drugged and delirious i didn’t know what i was saying Kinn: Whatever you say

(from a reverse trope ask game)

[syndrossi]

yes hi im asking more questions (maybe i shouldnt and should just leave you to writing…)

so i was wondering how it came to be that the twins would be Jon and Rhaegar. was that always the plan? i know someone already asked what would have happened had it been twin girls or a boy-girl pairing and you answered for each. now i’m just wondering out of curiosity did you ever consider it being Jon and Dany? (i dont like Jon betraying her so in my mind that scene is scrapped and in this version both have yet to meet each other, maybe they’re 16 or something in their respective bodies or Dany’s younger, etc.)

i just think it’d be interesting since Dany always craved more information about her past and more Targaryens that she’d be open to the family dynamic quicker, but also considering she grew up on the run from assassins she also knows a thing or two about protecting herself, but also being jumpy, flinching when being touched, protective of her family, i don’t know how her dynamic with Daemon would be though

I decided on Rhaegar pretty early on, in part because Resonant is meant to examine the parallels of three sets of brothers (Aemon+Baelon, Viserys+Daemon, and Jon+Twin), aka "as a Targaryen, you marry your sister but who is your brother to you?" Answer: it's messy and complicated (Viserys+Daemon) and can be just as deep a connection in some ways (Aemon+Baelon).

It mostly came down to which Targaryen brother I'd give him, since them both being TPTWP candidates was crucial to the main story plot aka why they were Summerhalled, and the interesting dynamic of having it be Rhaegar-but-in-little-brother-format was very compelling. The other two main options that Jon had ties to would have been his uncle Viserys or his half-brother Aegon who survived in another universe.

Any of those three could have worked, but Viserys at fourteen was already pretty unstable, and Aegon would have been essentially an OC. Younger Rhaegar meanwhile plays into Jon's fear of loss, while holding a deep, unrealized connection. I also quite liked the unwitting parallels between Daemon and Aerys, where Daemon's fiery nature works so well for Jon while Rhaegar's first instinct is wariness.

Aside from wanting the brothers parallels, I wanted to avoid the romance dynamic that crops up when you have different-gendered Targaryen siblings. Dany is a valid candidate for Jon's new sibling, since she's heavily hinted at being the actual canon PTWP, but having Jon+Dany as the twins inevitably would lead to an expectation of romance or having everything viewed through a lens of romantic love even while they're children. Although that can be interesting too, romance is well-trodden ground, especially Jon/Dany.

Which isn't to say that it couldn't have been a non-romantic sibling relationship. But while no one is clamoring in the comments for a Jon/Rhaegar pairing (for many reasons), I doubt I would have gotten a moment's peace about Jon/Dany.

Finally, I guess it also came down to the fact that I feel like there are already quite a few reincarnation stories featuring Dany and Jon, and it's something people are more likely to write. Who the heck in their right mind would ever throw Rhaegar into the mix instead? I honestly thought this would be such a niche story lol.

But if we want to play out the scenario where it was Dany instead:

In the case of a Jon+Dany story, Dany fills the "little sister" hole in Jon's heart, rather than mix of Robb+Arya that Rhaegar does. Because of who they are (part-Targaryen), Allard doesn't have them share a chamber, even this young, as a precaution. All the things I said in the previous ask the M+F combination probably applies as far as Daemon's reaction.

For Dany, I have to imagine this would all feel like the best of dreams, especially if it's a Dany transported prior to her marriage. She has a brother who doesn't turn abusive at times and who loves her without reserve, and she would probably even love it at the Gates of the Moon, which would be more of a home than she'd known growing up. Lady Lynda would have been delighted by a girl, and their relationship would have been very sweet. And then after the rescue, the wonder of coming home to the Red Keep that she had only ever heard about, with a protective/loving father and more family than she could have ever hoped for.

(Dany's background is probably closest to what Daemon envisioned Jon and Rhaegar's childhood had been like: unloved, unwanted, longing for a home and parents.)

If instead it had been the Dany from Jon's universe, it would have been a very different dynamic. That Dany is much more jaded and hardened by life. She has shouldered heavy responsibilities, seen war, commanded armies, and had to scrounge for power all her "adult" (teen) life. It would have been harder for her and Jon to fall into a twin sibling dynamic, and much harder for her to accept the very different expectations for her based on her gender, after all the agency she'd built up before. This Dany would have been a much better ally of Rhaenyra's, ultimately.

[basilpaste]

hey hey do yall want my incoherent classpect rambles for the isat cast that i wrote while half asleep at 2 am?? too late!!!

odile is a heart player. 'oh but basil!! shouldnt she be a mind player or something?' no. the core of her character is her identity and lack thereof. shes intelligent and strong willed and has an innate understanding of many things. she cares for others deeply in a way she keeps close to her chest. mage of heart? she understands people but feels separate from them. i think her repeatedly almost clocking siffrin is also something that feels right for a mage of heart. despite sharing a classpect with meulin, shes less of a leijon heart player and more of a dirk one. if that makes sense.

mira is a maid of hope. this is an easy one. she could also be breath, i also see breath, because… change. but her character is so tied to the idea of hope that its gotta be. other peoples hope for her, the pressure she puts on herself because of that, that stuff. shes a maid not just for the housemaiden thing but because maids are 'fixers'. it ties nicely into her quest to save her home and also the fact that shes the only one who can. i also think her lack of belief in herself is a very 'hope' thing. jake is a pretty prime example of a hope player who doesnt hold hope for themself as much as for others.

i!!!! like mind player isabeau!!!! i think odile heart and isa mind is very good!!! im thinking heir of mind isa. heirs are passive which works well with isa being the character who gives the team the most buffs! heir of mind reads 'im going to weaken my enemies and bring up my team' to me. hes a smart guy. he knows hes smart. even when he lets people walk all over his intelligence. hes shockingly bad at handling his own emotions despite being good with other peoples. hes a loyal and trusting guy who often finds himself lost within the gap between who he is and who hes perceived as.

bonnies a range player. thumbs up. anger and fear are their driving forces for a lot of the game. theyre deeply emotional at the best of times. theyre a kid with a lot on their plate. this makes sense. i kind of like rogue of rage for them? their feelings tend to instill emotion within the rest of the party. even the idea of them being hurt drives a protectiveness in the adults. in the same way, they can steal away peoples emotion and mellow them out by being the most emotional person in the room.

also i like the symmetry of two aspect pairs with sif being alone. which leads me to:

sif is a time player. an argument could be made for him being a space player. but they are a time player because of the fucking. time loops they manifested for themself. sifs a knight. hes a knight of time. yes like dave strider but also because they are. every action they take is for their family. the time loop they stick themself in is because he wants to continue to be with them. knights serve. they push away their own thoughts and feelings for the sake of protecting those they feel an obligation towards. get back to the stage, siffrin.

loop is also a knight of time! hope this helps!! but theyre an arguably less stable knight? their influence in the story is mostly from the sidelines. they dont have control over anything anymore. they watch as the same thing happens over and over and over again. i think that seeing that and knowing that you not only caused it but you cant directly do anything to stop it is the worst punishment a knight could possibly receive.

[bangtannism]

oh god, you're right, I absolutely love the fans who eat you alive for thinking an idol is gay while not only assuming but wholeheartedly believing that they are completely straight and fucking half of Korea! because we all know that any artistic community in the world is full of straight people..... Just saying

what gets me about the while thing is that they act so holier than thou about it, like they're a better fan and person for not thinking someone is gay. 🙄 heteronormativity and homophobia off the charts.

also idols cannot be openly gay in south korea, so i hate the whole "he/she hasnt said anything, so you shouldnt assume--" shit. what are you expecting? for a member of the biggest boyband in the world to just casually tell an interviewer they like dick? be real. there's only so much they can say/imply without getting into hot water.

and yes like you said, artistic communities are full of lgbtq folks. thanks for stopping by and sharing in my frustration. happy pride. 😋

[keepingthehopealive]

Emdr intensive session #1.

I want to write about this. May end up making it private or even deleting it, but right now sharing feels ok and safer. This is basically what I wrote to my therapist PT (main therapist) after the session with ET (emdr therapist)

The freeze was immediate and extreme. I went in and immediately curled up quite a bit and didn't make eye contact or engage. There wasn't any judgement about me not making eye contact and ET did a lot to show and tell me how it was OK. I think it kind of helped that ET knew it going in so she addressed it immediately. It was an interesting balance of her not immediately trying to save me from it or push me out of it jumping into conversation or questions, but also not leaving me stuck in it. She gave me a couple fidgits to play with while we talked and talked through some small movements with varried success on my part. I spent most of the 3 hours in the freeze, but to varrying levels. ET told me right from the start that she has experienced tonic immobility and freeze before and that she does understand it. She also later said she has worked with multiple clients with dissociative presentations and freeze.

When we were talking about the dogs or work, I felt some moments of reprieve. I didn't really "lose" my voice till the last half hour but I was able to push through it. Towards the end, I also started getting really bad stomach pain and cramps. My body feels depleted and in pain today, which isn't a foreign experience for me, but feels quite extreme. I crashed hard after session yesterday and am glad I have the weekend off, since I don't think I'd be able to jump back into work after the session.

We talked a lot about the freeze and she tried different things to get me to move and work with it. I of course was a failure and couldn't do much of anything she suggested or asked of me, even the tiny things like closing my eyes or small movements. Its reinforcing the hopelessness and pointlessness of doing all this because I cant even fucking try. I know it wouldn't have been a reasonable expectation that I'd suddenly be able to do something different, it just feels so shameful, especially as I'm now spiraling over some of the things that I (should have, wish I could have, wanted to etc) try when ET suggested or asked me to try. Especially when she tried showing an EMDR technique to try (flash technique). I wanted to scream at myself that its the whole fucking point and how im a weak failure and wasting everyone's time if I cant even try.

We talked a lot about protective parts and defenses and identified some of the big ones for me which were the freeze, (skin) picking and then the "I cant". I felt like it did weave into a lot of history taking too, and we covered a lot, but it didnt feel too intake-ey.

ET did a lot of psychoeducation, a lot of stuff that felt familiar to me and I already knew (which she was validating about and respected and didn't talk down to me) but some from a different lens with parts work. Shame made those parts of the conversations really hard to engage with. It wasn't that they didn't feel relevant or land with me it was the thoughts about how it shouldnt land for me and I don't have trauma or deserve it. One of those exercises was thinking about the fearful part and how old it is/what it needs to loosen the grip on some of the defenses. That was where the "I cant" came in full force and I couldn't engage or even try. It was also very hard to engage at all with what was happening in my body.

I felt that ET was way too nice and validating. In the begining it felt more infantalizing and like fake niceness but I don't think it was. It was just her going slow and not pushing me, probably made worse by the fact that I walked in and immediately froze and all the defenses came up (so damage control on her part basically). It got a bit better as the session progressed, and I communicated it in the way I could. I actually used what you had said about how deliberate validation and reassurance doesn't work well for me but I do better with genuineness. Even before I said or communicated any of that, ET had already self disclosed that she's experienced the freeze and tonic immobility before. I ultimately felt she was genuine but still too nice. She kept saying "its fine", particularly when I was shame spiraling, and I pushed back. ET's response was that it was fine for her, even if it wasn't for me.

Other stuff:

ET does both EMDR and parts work so a lot of what we talked about was more parts work based. she mentioned doing a "map" but we only got as far as making a list of the protective parts coming up as there was a lot to talk about there. She also talked a lot about the polyvagal theory, window of tolerance and how I am alternating between hypo and hyperarousal but never in that window of tolerance. PT does ACT and said they've reframed it as "window of flexibility" where its the state where you feel and are able to make decisions.

Another thing ET said when I was talking about my mother is the term "emotional incest" which I've never heard but she explained and I looked up after is similar to enmeshment. The bit that I looked up is very relevant to my relationship with my mom.

My HW is a resourcing/anchoring activity of thinking of times, people, places etc where I have felt that sense of safety or neutrality in my body and in myself. Im going to write about it separately I think because PT and I have been working through it together, which has been helpful and interesting.

I see ET again in about a week and half so it'll be 3 weeks between the appointments. Im not sure what will be after that as that is what we booked so far. Its already been hard and intense, but i at least think I want to keep trying for the time being since it is a different approach and something new.

[expensive-rainbows]

ok so i have this friend and i spend like literally half my school day with her and idk if weve been flirting or not. we make jokes abt like honestly really sexual things that we probably shouldnt be saying at school and theres been multiple times when our mutual friend thought we were either gonna kiss or that we were dating. shes aroace but ik that some aro people still date and that some ace people still yk wanna fuck so idk. we spend probably like 3-4 out of 7 hours a day together. we hang out before school, then like at the end of first hour (our schedules wierd) then we walk to second hour together, then we spend fourth hour, lunch, and fifth hour together, and walk to sixth hour too. i also do taekwondo and she is going to try it soon so that will be another hour at least two times a week. and i dont wanna mess up our friendship by like asking but also if she is like tryna subltly tell me something she should know better than to do that since i am impressively oblivious and rlly bad at social cues. oh and i think we almost kissed fr a few weeks ago but idk if thats js me or if it was for real yk? anyways thats my little rant.

jk theres more! i start work tmr js for a few hrs and im excited bc it seems like a good place and i think i am gonna enjoy it. plus school is almost out. theres like 18 days left i think. we almost had to do a speech for english but my teacher got it dropped, so now we have more time for the essay. also ive been actually getting better at taekwondo, obviously nowhere near as good as pretty much everyone else there since we started in december and theyve all been doing it for years. and ive been getting better at japanese, i need to get better at listening to more music in japanese though, ive been listening to music in spanish more (my first language is english, i was in spanish immersion and im working on asl and japanese on my own right now. i have a whole list of languages i want to learn some day that ill share someday) but i can order food now. i use wanikani and duolingo, and im trying out a few new apps right now. once i get better i am going to try to switch my phone to japanese, but i need to know more kanji first i think. im always open to suggestions for japanese and yk the whole thing with my friend.

[kob131]

This an half attempt to answer your quiestion, but you are by no means pressured to read it as it is just too long.

Now that i actually sit and think about it a bit more, I think i shouldnt have called them trait, rather the Impact that having a fucked up parent such as morgan had on them. Im sorry that i cant exactly point it out but i will try my best.

Even gawain who is a geniunely good person, can be too persistent as it seems and im pretty sure morgan was a pro in that regard. Gawain is a good person but he can be a bit fucked up too.

agravain is the one who hates morgan's guts the most while still not being able to completley able to escape the Impact she had on him. Being raised by morgan literally messed the dude up. Seeing morgan's probable short temper in agravain wasnt that hard for me. When he hates someone, the hatred is quite deep whether you even did something wrong or not. The "i hate women" line, while being extremly memeable, does imply that morgan definitely isnt the best female parental figure someone could have.

For mordred..... Oh boy, being isolated and having morgan as the only consistent influencial figure outside of your idol who didnt even know you exist , she was really unlucky. Mordred has a short temper which seems to be the easiest to point out.

We dont Know anything about gaheris *dramatic sobbing* outside of the fact that he is probebly the tallest among the five of them.

Either gareth was too young to remember her, or her brothers and lancelot's influence washed out any possible fucked upness. I would say the Impact the orkneys had on eachother did matter even if it isnt really brought up.

No no, I love reading.

I can see how Gawain's stubborness could have come from Morgan, given that both of their actions in the end did more harm than good.

Yeah, Agravain does seem to share Morgan's vindictiveness and fury. Kind of ironic considering he hates women in part because of Morgan's actions while he perpetuates those actions.

And...it might actually be worse for Mordred. A key part of Mordred's conflict is her inability to define herself (her Bond 10 Craft Essence is literally named 'Who Am I?') and a key aspect to Morgan is that her life is split in three to her three different roles. Three different parts of herself she likely could never reconcile between them.

I've said it once and I'll say it again- Mordred is probably the one person who could fully understand her mother.

Though, it's not like Gareth's personality is entirely separate from Morgan. Agravain may have ended up with issues but Gawain ended up as a pretty upstanding if stubborn guy. And remember Gawain's the ELDEST of the Orkney so logically he was exposed to Morgan the most. For him to have grown up that well adjusted, Morgan had to have been a good mother at some point. And it's said she also acted as a good sister/motherly figure to Arturia before finding out the full truth. Gareth's personality could very well be a reflection of who Morgan was before things fell apart.

But yeah, the Orkney siblings most certainly do affect each other quite a bit. Gawain is said to be the closest with Gareth, Agravain doesn't hate Gareth like he usually would (instead having a 'complicated' relationship) and Agravain does care about both Gawain and Mordred since he called out to Gawain after he was shot with Rhongyominad and questioned the Lion King's coldness towards Mordred in the Sixth Singularity. Remember, Lancelot having a lesser part in the Fall of Camelot caused his to utterly loathe the man- by all rights he shouldn't care about Mordred. Yet he clearly does.

P.S. Yeah...I wish we knew something about Gaheris too. Best we know is that he teased Gawain about not knowing how much Gareth looked up him in Garden Of Avalon.

[cozy-comfy-cuteness]

So... I fucked up

I went to the doctors and he said i likely had lupus. i got blood work done and he was sure about it. i asked to be referred out to a rheumologist, for a second opinion before doctor #1 didn't think I needed medication.

she... didnt think i had lupus. she ran her own tests and came back and said it wasnt lupus. that it would probably never be lupus. to stop worrying about it, when people have lupus, they will know.

it doesnt matter that damn near every afab and some amab people on my mom's side has lupus. she said i had a positive ana because of the autoimmune diseaes that run in the family and losing weight would help the inflammation and cardiac risk (which was very very high).

so... i started tracking again. it lasted a week and a half. it only took that long before i was panicking about what to eat, crying in the car while eating lunch. it made me feel fucking terrible. i let the fatphobia in the medical field almost cause me to relapse. hell, it might even be considered a relapse. i dunno. but i know better.

and when i was looking up the causes of inflammation in the body, weight can have some relation to it, but you know else does? depression, anxiety, trauma, ptsd, and other shit like that. things that i have had since i was 8 years old. and tracking my calories is going to cause me way more stress and mental health issues than it would help with whatever i wanted to change.

so i will focus on health promoting habits, which i already knew is better. eating more fruit and veggies, is good. getting more movement, is good. getting more and better sleep, is good. managing my stress, is good. tracking my calories and freaking out and rocking back and forth because i ate something i "shouldnt have" is NOT going to help my wellbeing. at all.

I am happy i have a good therapist and an amazing husband that i can talk about all this stuff with. i was sending him the food log at the end of the day to prevent myself from restricting. i just wanted to track where i was at and what changed i could make. 2 days ago i told him that i had cake and i felt horrible. we got cake because at work we won an award and they got cake for everyone. my husband asked if it was that the cake didnt make me feel good, or if eddy was trying to fuck shit up lol. i told him i didnt know but i didnt think tracking was helping. he was understanding but also was worried it was my ed trying to be lke "oh dont track, just dont eat." next day i told him now i was feeling during lunch and he agreed it isnt best for me and i needed all the snuggles and cuddles and wanted to make me feel better.

he is amazing. he doesnt know anything about tracking and it was me who wanted to share it with him to make sure that i wasnt relapsing. it honeslty helped. part of the ed is hiding and lying about shit, so when my ed wants me to hide stuff, i tend to tell my husband because i know its the first step to a relapse.

i am not back at square one, but i am working on getting back to feeling more like myself.

fuck medical fatphobia.

[afterliferosesablaze]

I'm sorry my writing has been so slow. Compared to Oct-Jan, my ability to write has dropped off significantly. All I can say, is that these last few months (Hell, I'm going on half a year now) have been exceptionally stressful and I'm sorry. I'm continuing to work, but progress is achingly slow, and I've been battling depression pretty hard of late.

One thing I really struggle with is knowing how to ask for help. I have built up such a wall of maintained optimism and need for self-support throughout my life, that I never really learned that it's okay to ask for help; in fact, I was often taught--either unintentionally or deliberately--that the only person I could rely on for comfort was myself, and I don't tend to be very kind to myself, either.

I suppose this is my way of acknowledging that I'm not doing well, and asking for everyone's understanding, of screaming into the void so I can continue to function. If you follow me, chances are almost certain you do so because you read A Shared Likeness & Intensity, and its rather extensive (and intense) portrayal of traumatized characters is something that appeals to you...so I hope that my writing this isn't a breach of good faith between myself and my audience. I want to write more frequently, but it has been hard to find the motivation to write.

That said, ASLI 28 is in process. I've got the journal entry written, and I think I know the rough sequence of events for the chapter. I will try to not make this one a 15k essay like the previous few have been.

TSAD 6 is also in process. I have about 8k words written, and am a little stuck navigating a particular sequence. Shouldnt be much more than 10k when said and done.

That's it. If you haven't picked it up yet, or want to pay some love, please go find my femslash piece What She Does to Me, or one of my other works and tell me what you think; I promise, even if you think your comments won't matter, it'll more than likely make my day. But that's it for now.

Until next time.

[somesemblanceofnormal]

lol said i’d cook at work and post some character intros and then. did not. at all. barely even looked at my phone pffff

ANYWAY

The Twins aka My Baby Angels

identical twins— josiah (m, he/him) and johana(f, she/her) crownover— born to a mother and father who were part of what is considered a Legacy Hunter family. these people have been hunting the supernatural that dwells the surface of the earth, isolated in forests and woods across north america and some of europe, for hundreds of years. children are raised as soldiers, obeying their parents every will. those who dont agree with the way of life end up dead more often than not, as it’s essentially excommunication from the family. only one crownover in recent history has tried to leave— their uncle— and no one talks about him anymore. their mother tried to get them out when they were toddlers— once the “training” began shortly after they could walk— but she failed, and the twins ended up growing up without her.

josiah is a hot headed, incredibly smart, daddy’s boy. he does exactly as his father tells him every time. he likes to think the comments and looks from his father dont bother him, but then why would his knuckles be bruised when there hasnt been a mission in weeks? why would he feel compelled to spend time fucking off in the woods around his family home rather than be at home when his father is drinking? he has desires that would get him beaten and isolated even further if his father knew about them, things he doesnt think will ever be able to see the light. but he has resigned himself to this life, thinking its better this way because at least he has his family, and at least he’s making everyone proud with his work in the family business.

his twin sister johana feels very differently about it, though. she’s never really enjoyed the idea of harming another creature, human or not. she enjoys the physical activity part of it, and learning new techniques, new lore on the creatures her family hunts. the first time she had to deliver the finishing blow to a werecat, she had nightmares for months that kept her up all night. her father went extra hard on her, trying to “toughen her up”, as he put it. but all it did was further confirm her suspicion that there was something deeply wrong with her. she sees things she shouldnt, things that end up happening in front of her eyes, on top of that. her entire life has been spent feeling like an outsider, always looking in and never being fully present. she longs to know what lies outside her family and the walls they have built around themselves. she wants to experience life the way a normie would, even if she never truly could because of her extensive knowledge of the things that go bump in the night. shes never felt loved by her father and her brother, being the only person in the entire family who knows her in and out, cannot fix that by himself.

the two of them share that typical twin bond seen in majority of media starting twins— a sort of sixth sense as to what the other half is feeling/thinking/etc, working better together than individually alone. their father was never one to play with them, or be emotionally intelligent enough to talk to, and while their older sister, cecelia, was cool most of the time, she always sided with their father. this left the two of them to their own devices, only trusting one another in full. they are each others biggest supporters and confidants, knowing how to help in times of need without ever needing to ask. josiah is very protective over his sister, even though she towers over him slightly. she’s always been there for him, but he also knows how she struggles so much on a daily basis and wants to make things better for her. she knows how far the brainwashing goes in her twin brother and tries to undo it, little by little, no matter how many setbacks there are because of their father and environment.

anywaaaaaayyyyyyy—

I LOVE THESE GUYS!!!! i hope this was enough info to get u invested ;3c theres many more characters that i’ll get to doing intro posts akin to this for as well, but these two are the main focus of this story, and are two of the first characters you meet!!!!!!!! i could ramble forEVER about them, but i’ll save that for another time ;P

if you are interested in more, give us a follow!

[pastanest]

alright grab a cuppa lemme tell u the deets

here are the characters

me: 💃🏻 21 y/o jude 2nd year of med school (i failed second year so am currently repeating)

friends: 👭 🧍🏾‍♀️🧍🏻‍♀️ 🧍🏽‍♀️diff colors to differentiate (four of them are in third year med/dentistry, one is a different major so no shared classes)

these are my closest friends. (except one will make sense later) ive had a hard year and had to resit some exams (obvi didnt turn out well lol) and they were with me all throughout. two (yellow twins) also resat some exams with me. they are twins irl lol, im close to one (twin #1) not the other (twin #2). twin #1 passed her exams and moved on to third year. twin #2 didnt. at first

DUN DUN DUN

two months into uni the admin called twin #2 into the office and told her they made a mistake and she didnt fail ! of course i was so glad she didnt have to repeat the year but also i was so pissed that the uni did this to her!! this isnt a small mistake! and she missed a third year exam which she will have to retake on her own time. i was like ummm if i were u id be so pissed at admin but its chill that ur not i mean to each their own i guess 🤷‍♀️

THEN twin #1 (the one i was close to) started texting me paragraph after paragraph about how i shouldnt “be such a karen” and if i say anything to anyone id get twin #2 in such trouble and that i shouldnt be jealous (never said i was???) and loads and loads of things like that. i got pissed. i told her i wasnt gonna tell anyone and that i didnt really wanna discuss this. with anyone, let alone her.

THEN it spread to the rest of the girls. this girl 🧍🏾‍♀️ my closest friend out of them all started being super mean. she was like “its not like your grade was so close to passing anyways why do you care?” 😐 no words.

THEN i was super sad about all this and i texted 🧍🏻‍♀️i was like i feel like everyone hates me and im not sure what ive done wrong. then she said ‘maybe look through ur texts with all the girls and apologize for whatever needs apologizing for” … i said ‘do u know something i dont’ she said ‘i do but i cant tell u’

what in the middle school ass shit is this???

- 🍌

ok first of all u and twin 2 are better than me bc I’D have been petty enough to go to the admin myself n be like “tf are you playing at lmao?? 😀” and that’s not being a Karen in the slightest it’s sticking up for your friends like ??? where is the issue lol. Karen’s get unreasonably irate about minor/non-issues…this is FAR from that

your entire friend group ganging up on you like that? YIKES AND A HALF. shocking behaviour from supposed adults I’ll be honest. think I saw these lot having a meetup the other day actually, though I recognised them from somewhere 🤔

it’s worth clarifying that you’d have every right to feel jealous/sceptical of your own grade based on the admin failure, but that’s entirely irrelevant anyway bc that’s clearly not what you were acting on?? you were pleased for your friend and wanted to back her up if she was pissed, which you would’ve been in her position and were FOR her? jfc.

add me to this groupchat I’d like to box them out xoxo

[bubsub69]

Entry 32

21/11/2023 00:01 Well, I guess its official now… alone again… or im gonna be her ocasional booty call, which i guess isnt bad, i just have to manage my expectations with her, have a purely sexual non romantic relationship…

I honestly took it better than i thought it would, i dont know if i remembered to mention it but on the day i made the booty call realization and i was running late to school i got angry at traffic as per usual, and after straight up screaming at a dumbass driver in the middle of the road i started crying really hard in my car, and i guess i got all of my sadness out at that point, which i guess is better than suffering for a long time. Still it makes me question if i actually loved her if i got over her so easily… i guess love is a strong word for someone ive talked with only on a couple days on pretty much exlusively sexual topics, maybe i grieved on thoughts of what could be maybe i was really sad for losing her and im overthinking it

its not like all hope is lost though i guess, theres still that slight chance that she suddenly got 1 morbillion surgeries back to back and when shes done with those shell have time for me again, or maybe i should stop making fanfics in my head and accept ive been ghosted/only being used for sex with increasing rarity.

I really wish i wasnt the one that has to start conversations with people, i talked to a couple people for non sexual purpose, and it kinda sucks that i have to be the one that starts conversations, or else theyll just die off, i wish i could have someone text me… asking about me… caring for me… I hate grabbing my phone and seeing no notifications, except for reddit comments and shit I changed the notifications for J and the 1 (one) time i got to hear it made me so happy. Maybe i really should talk with my cousin again, even if i was not her first option someone to talk to/only when everyone else was busy and was just used to just go talk about her problems..ugh nvm im not really remembering those memories very fondly..but still maybe i should send her a text.. or wait for her to try to call me again, though it has been a couple months since we talked, and even if going out just to talk isnt exactly my cup of tea i guess its still healthy of me to talk to her instead of just stewing on my sadness alone

I wish i could go back to being happy while alone. I dont know what happened to me for me to get fucked up like this… Ive been talking a bit with some guys in college, but its very little social stimulation, and is really boosting my impostor syndrome, maybe i should just get a job and get off this fucking place… what am i saying, how could me relocating and leaving the confort i have here help in any possible way… I gotta learn to be more independent as well, I cooked by myself the other day, which was easier than i thought, so thats good news at least i guess… though it was just boiled pasta and scrambled eggs, but its a step in the right direction.

i wonder how long itll take for me to find someone again… another half year? maybe a full year this time? would i even be able to manage that? im starting to get really sensitive to any cute couple stuff online.. seeing this https://www.reddit.com/r/RoleReversal/comments/17xfnhx/daydreams_of_being_able_to_pick_my_partner_up/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 really ruined my day when i saw it…

Maybe i should just bite the bullet and try to meet people irl.. as scary as it is and as clueless on what to do as i am. thing is i suck at talking face to face with people, im so fucking akward, and its hard for me to make conversation on normal topics. but i dont think an online relationship would be as good as a physical one, especially with how touch starved i am. Ideally wed meet online first and then go irl, but its rely hard to meet someone from nearby on the internet… besides D i guess

I should just jump off a fucking bridge shouldnt I? what the fuck am i even doing here? im just in college because i dont want to work, i probably wont be able to function as an adult when i graduate, I got no friends to enjoy life with and im sick of living under my parents roof but i wouldnt last a day outside of it…what the hell do i even do? all i want from life is happiness and for some reason i cant even have that, i dont even know if its socializing thatll help me. sometimes after leaving classes and having conversations with people im anxious to run off and be left alone, so if its not that what is? have deeper conversations? have more casual conversations? have conversations that arent school related? well i guess that could help, the one time i talked of a non school topic it was enjoyable. But its hard for me to do that as well, i cant initiate it because im scared of being annoying, sometimes when i crack a joke with my db group it falls really flat, which obviously doesnt mean i should stop making jokes overall, i should maybe just save them to a diferent audience, but my self esteem is already in the shit and this doesnt help, plus theres a really funny guy that for some reason i really want to try to be as funny as, maybe i just want to be as confident as him, it definetly wouldnt hurt to be a sad sack of shit that constantly pities himself.

Wow just realized i mentioned all the women that hurt me this year lol…well majorly hurt because i trusted them, ignoring the fucking findommers and the people that ignored me and the infamous we dont vibe based on the opening sentence you sent me. why did i go look at my fucking pathetic chat history, what is wrong with me, i know itd just make me more upset and i went to check anyway

I might repost my ad again when im 100% sure J has ghosted me since its been the most successful experiences ive had, even if they ended in hearbreak, maybe third times the charm. I should probably try to change it this time, its a miracle a shitty ad like mine caught any attention at all especially from 2 wonderfull girls like them. Ill just keep trying more femdom personals and stuff, though ive really lost a lot of motivation for trying to talk with people

Fuck me i spent an hour and a half writing this shit when i was suposed to be writing the db report, god i hate my useless ass

[imjusttryingtolivemylife1]

Michael: Depressed

TRIGGER WARNING

This story mentions suicide, and depression. Read at your own risk.

_____________________________________________________________

Michael’s life was going great. Touring with his band was the best feeling ever, considering how far they had come. His bandmates were his best friends, and he had a wonderful girlfriend,  who didn't just use him for his money. 

He was happy all the time. He loved his bandmates, and his girlfriend more than anything else in the world. He loved his fans, and twitch streaming was his favourite hobby.

His life was perfect. He couldn’t ask for anything better. 

Until that night. 

It was January 19th, 2019. (this date is just made up :))

Him and Abigail were going to dinner. He had been planning their date for weeks, and couldn't be more excited. He checked himself, and fixed himself in the mirror. He looked at the ring once more, and tucked it into his inside pocket.

It was the night he had been waiting for forever. He hoped she would say yes, and he was sure she would. They loved each other more than anything. But the nerves were still there.  

His phone buzzed, and a message from her appeared on the screen.

‘Hey Mikey, can we reschedule? Im not feeling well :(‘

He read the text a couple times before responding. Yes he was excited, but to him, she mattered more than anything to him. I guess the proposal would have to wait. 

‘Of course baby. Do you need anything?’

‘Im okay, thanks’ 

And with that, his amazing date-to-be was canceled. He had to wait a little while longer to claim his soon-to-be fiance. He had everything planned out. 

He sighed, and called the restaurant to cancel the plans. He was a little disappointed, but he'd be fine. He decided to stream for a little while to get his mind off things. 

He was only live for a few short minutes when the comments started coming in.

“Ew ,why does he look like that?” someone said

“Looks like someones been eating too much XD” 

“Bruh, go get a tan lmao”

He shut off the stream. He decided to go see what everyone else was up to. He walked into the living room of the boys' shared flat. The boys were all playing FIFA. 

“Oooooo Hey Mikey!” Luke exclaimed. 

“Hey guys.” Michael sat on the couch beside Ashton

“Are you ready for your date tonight? To Propose! Wait, that's tonight right?” Ashton questioned, confusing himself

“It was, but not anymore. Abigail canceled. I guess she's not feeling well enough to go” Michael sighed.

“Oh really? I'm so sorry.” Ashton replied. 

“You guys wanna go to- I don't know, somewhere?” Ashton added, seeing Michaels sad expressions.

“Oooo We should go to the steakhouse! I love steak!” Luke practically yelled.

“Okay. Michael, is that okay” Ashton wanted to make sure he wanted to first. It's no fun trying to have fun with someone who doesn't want to have fun.

“Yeah. That sounds great actually” Michael smiled. This night was going to be great after all. 

“Okay we’ll leave in 20” Ashton said, leaving the room to shower. 

____________________________________________________________________________

They all loaded into Michael's car, and headed to the steakhouse. It wasn't a far drive , and shouldnt take them that long.

When they arrived, they had to wait for about 10 minutes. It was a popular place, and was really busy. He was still a little disappointed remembering the ring, but he was excited to have fun with his best friends.

They walked in, and the waiter sat them in a booth, Michael sat by Luke, and Calum by Ashton. The waiter asked them what they wanted to drink. 

Luke ordered a Coke.

Ashton ordered a Tea

Calum ordered a Tea

Michael ordered a water, remembering the twitch comments from earlier. 

“I thought you thought water was gross?” Ashton questioned. 

“Eh, I don’t drink enough” Michael replied, adding a fake half laugh for effect. 

The waiter came back with the drinks, and got their orders. 

They all ordered Steak, except Luke who ordered chicken tenders.

“You're such a child” Michael laughed

They started talking about upcoming shows and touring. They created a set list, and opening songs. By the time they had finished, Michael was more insecure than before. And it wasn't anyone's fault.

Was he really good at singing? Or did everyone feel bad for him?

Does he actually belong in the band?

‘I bet their looking to replace me’ Michael told himself.

He felt useless all the sudden.

Did his best friends hate him?

He was pathetic. Fucking pathetic. 

The waiter came back with their food. Everyone started eating, except michael. Who just sat there, staring at his steak. 

Nobody mentioned it though. They knew he was upset, and they didn't want to upset him anymore. He sat there and picked at his food, taking a bite every so often.

“Who’s up for ice cream? I could use a banana milkshake!” Ashton laughed.

“What kind of question is that? I love ice cream!” Luke chimed in

“Of course you would. You're literally a 5 year old.” Calum laughed

“Am not”

“Are too”

“Am not”

“Oh my god. You're both children, grow up’ Ashton interrupted, followed by all three of the boys laughing. 

The waiter brought the check. Ashton paid, and they all left. 

They drove to get ice cream, about 15 minutes away from where they were. The whole ride was all the boys, including Michael who cheered up a bit at this point, blasting sgfg and singing along. There was some dancing, except from Michael, who was busy driving. 

Once they had arrived at the ice cream place, they all went inside to order. Ashton of course ordered a Banana Milkshake, and Luke got Cookies and Cream. Calum got Mint Chocolate Chip, and Michael got Chocolate Ice Cream.  

Then it happened. 

They were walking out of the store, which was crowded by the way, and then he saw her. 

Who was she with?

“Abi-” He started, when the guy leaned down and kissed her.

His heart shattered.

“Michael? What's wron-” Ash stoped mid sentence. He saw it. 

“Come on.” He grabbed Michaels arm and brought him twarts the car. 

They got in the car. Ashton decided to drive, and convinced Michael to sit in the back with Calum. 

As soon as they got in the car, Michael burst into tears. 

The love of his life- His whole life, just betrayed him. 

He couldn't believe it. He cried. He couldn't talk. He couldn't breathe. He just cried. 

It was a silent ride home. The only sound made was Michael's brief sniffles and sobs in the background.

They got home, and Michael just went to his room. He laid there. He just laid there. For hours, and cried.

Then he had to go to the bathroom. He was too sad, so he just held it. 

How could he not have seen this coming? 

He thought she loved him.

Because he loved her. And so he thought she loved him.

He cried off and on for a few hours. He tried not to think about her, he really did, but every single second, all he saw was her kissing him. 

He continued to try to think of ways to make himself feel better. All the advice he’d ever given, or had been given. Then he remembered.

Ashton told him once that when he was younger, he would cut his arms with a razor. It helped him feel better. 

Maybe he could do that.

Or maybe he shouldn't.

But maybe he could try.

He looked at the posters above his head. Almost all of them had pictures of the band. He took one of the pins out of the corner, letting the poster fall slightly. 

He stared at it for a minute, not knowing if what he was doing was right. Maybe it would help. 

He pressed the tip of the pin against the bottom of his wrist. He pushed it in slightly, feeling the pain of the tip stabbing him. He slowly pulled across his wrist, wincing in pain. He continued to drag it over the entirety of his wrist. He slowly made a few more going up his arm. Then he stopped. 

He looked at wrist. What had he just done. He had purposely hurt himself.

Maybe he should tell someone.

Or maybe he shouldn't. 

He stared at the blood dripping down his wrists. He didn’t cry anymore. He couldn’t.

He checked the time on his phone. It was 3:27 am.

Well. It's been around 6 hours, and nobody bothered to check on him. 

He sighed. He needed to go to the bathroom. After about 10 minutes of trying to get the energy, he shakily stood up and walked to the bathroom. He flipped on the lights and looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t look good. He went to the bathroom, washed his hands, and walked back to his room. He climbed back into his bed and stared at the ceiling. He soon fell asleep.

____________________________________________________________________________

He awoke a few hours later. Or that's what he thought, before he checked the time. He flipped his phone on, and the numbers read 4:30 pm.

“Jesus” he said out loud. 

After laying there for a few minutes, He got up and went to the bathroom. Getting up was a little easier this time. 

He then walked out to the living room. The boys were sitting in the living room playing FIFA.

Michael felt left out. He knew why they didn’t bother him, and quite honestly, he was glad they didn’t. He wanted to be alone anyway. Then he remembered.

His wrists. He looked down to make sure they were still covered, which they were. He sighed and walked into the living room. The three boys turned to look at him, all at once.

“The zombie has risen!” Ashton exclaimed, earning a slap by Calum.

“Be nice” Calum playfully scolded. 

Ashton rolled his eyes. “Wanna play?”

“No thanks. I just came to get some water.” 

“Okay.. If you need anything, let us know” He frowned

“Yep” and with that, he grabbed a water bottle and went back to his room. 

He sat on his bed. He couldn't do this, his chest hurt. He felt horrible. 

He felt unloved.

He felt his world come crashing down. His girlfriend never gave a shit about him. Why was he even in this fucking band. He didn’t deserve what he has. The fans, the friends. 

Or maybe he didn't have any. Maybe his friends just felt bad for him. The fans probably didn't like him either. Why would they? He was just some lazy fuck up whose life doesn’t matter to anyone. 

He let out a choked sob as he felt the tears on his cheeks. He didn’t even realise he’d been crying. He laid down and buried his face into his pillow. 

________________________________________________________________________

He didn’t remember it, but he must have fallen asleep while crying, because when he woke up, his face was buried in his wet, tear-soaked pillow.

He rolled up his sleeves. His cuts had scabbed over. He needed more. It felt so good last time. 

He took the pin from his bedside table. He rolled down his other sleeve and pressed the pin into his skin. He made three. He had five going down one arm, and three going down the other. 

He just stared at them. He wanted to cry, but he knew he needed to stop with the tears. They were childish, and he was pathetic. 

He hadn’t eaten in two days. His stomach started to hurt a little. He couldn’t take it anymore. He wasn’t needed anymore. He stood, went to his desk, and sat down. He pulled out a piece of paper, and a pen. He started to write letters to everyone.

One was addressed to friends.

One to his family, with separate ones to his mum and dad. 

One to his best friends, his band mates. 

And one to his fans.

There wasn't enough space to write everything he needed to. There shouldn’t have been an end to the note. There was still so much he had to say. 

Now he was ready. He just needed a way to do it.

He walked out to the living room. It was 11, so he thought everyone would still be awake, which they were. Well, Luke and Calum were. 

“Guys? Where's Ashton?” He wanted to say a goodbye to them in person, and he knew that Ashton had a variety of different pills. He knew you could overdose on ibuprofen, which he knew Ashton had. 

“He went to the store. He said he didn't feel well and went to get some cough drops. WHatcha need? Luke questioned, eyes glued to the tv.

“Nothing. Nevermind” He turned to walk back to the room, when the door opened and Ashton walked in.

“Nevermind, there he is” Luke grinned

“Yeah i'm here, You okay Mikey?” Ashton sympathetically questioned.

“Yeah, I just um” He started. 

Was this something he should really do? 

“I was wondering if you had any ibuprofen. I've got a bit of a headache” he finished.

He needed to, He was too prepared to go back now. 

“Yeah, there's some in my bathroom cabinet” He began to walk back to the living room “Oh and you should probably eat something, that could help.” He smiled before sitting down with the other two boys.

“Okay thanks” He already started walking back to his room. He stopped and turned around.

 “I love you guys.” He said with tears in his eyes. 

“We love you too, is everything okay?” Ashton said, getting immediately alert.

“Yeah, I just wanted you to know that.” And with that he walked back to his room.

He walked to the cabinet. He took two handfuls of the small white pills, and walked back to his room. 

He sat there for about an hour, thinking about whether this is what he wanted to do or not, but his mind was already made up.

He took the water on his table, and took the pills. 

One by one. He texted his mum and dad and told them he loved him. He waited for a few minutes. 

Then he got scared. He didn’t want to say goodbye. He wasn’t ready yet. He began to cry. He decided to call someone who wouldn't be mad at him

He picked up his phone and tapped on Liam’s contact. 

“Michael? It's 1:30 in the morning. Are you okay?’ He heard a yawn from the other end and he immediately felt guilty. 

“Nothing. Sorry. I'm okay.” And he went to hang up

“No no don’t hang up. What's wrong? You sound upset.” 

“I just-” He choked on a sob. He couldn’t breathe. 

“I t-took too many pills liam. Im scared. Help me please.” He choked out. He was full on bawling now. 

“You took pills micael? What kind? Michael answered me!” Liam practically screamed into the phone.

“Ibuprofen” He choked out.

“Shit. Listen buddy. I need you to go wake up Ashton. Im five minutes away”

“But i don’t want t-” 

“Michael please.”

“Okay.” 

“Ill be there in five minutes. You don't even have to explain. I will when I get there. Just wake him up and tell him I said to get dressed.” Liam tried to calm him. 

“Okay” And he hung up.

He shakily walked to Ashtons room. He didn't even get to the bed when Ashton shot up. 

“Mikey? Whats wrong?” he frantically stood up. 

“I- Liam said-” He started.

“Liams said what? Ill beat the shit outta him” Ashton said angrily\

“No Liam said to get dressed” He finished.

“Okay..?’ Ashton threw on some clothes as Liam walked through the door. He had Louis with him.

“Louis with Ashton. Michael, lets go” 

“Where are we-” Ashton started

“Louis will explain on the way. Now let's go” Liam instructed. 

Ashton looked really confused, and really scared.

“You wanna explain what's going on yet?” He questioned

“Michael took a bunch of pills. He wanted to kill himself. Then he got scared and he called Liam for help. Liam called poison control, and told him to take  him to the hospital because it could kill him.”

Ashton froze. 

“Come on” They walked out the door.

____________________________________________________________________________\

“Damn it Michael, how many did you take?!?” He yelled, frustrated

“I don’t know, okay? It's not like I counted them!” He shouted back

Liam sighed in frustration. 

“Look, when we get there, they’re gonna ask. And they’re probably going to want to admit you for observation. Don’t act aggressive or anything. I'm gonna try to get them to let you come home. We can tell them that you'll stay with me. Don’t be scared, just go along with it, alright?” Liam explained, a little more sympathetically

“Two handfuls”

“What?”

“Two handfuls. I took two handfuls.” 

“Really? Fucking christ Michael.” 

They sat in silence for the next few minutes. Though the minutes felt like hours. He hates himself right now. If he wasn’t so pathetic, he would still probably be in bed, or even better, maybe dead.

“Why’d you do it? We love you. We could have helped you.” Liam sighed. He had an upset sounding tone to his voice.

“I don’t want help, Liam. I just want it to stop.” He choked

“I just want the pain to go away.”

The rest of the ride was silent. Nobody said anything.

____________________________________________________________________________

“You okay?”

 They had been driving, and Ashton hadn’t said a word. Louis was getting a little concerned. 

“It's my fault.” Ashton finally said.

“What do you mean? This has nothing to do with you.” Louis questioned.

“I shouldn’t have suggested dinner.”

“He would've found out anyway.”

Ashton sighed. 

“I told him”

“Told him what?’

“About me. What I-”

The realization suddenly hit him.

“Do you think he- His arms- I told him it helped. Fuck, this is my fault.” Ashton started crying. 

“No this isn’t your fault. You can’t control his decisions. It'll be okay, We can get him help, okay?”

“Yeah”

Ashton silently cried the rest of the way there. What had he done?

____________________________________________________________________________

They pulled in the Accidents and Emergency entrance. They walked inside, Michael was shaking. They walked up to the desk.

“Hello ma’am. I called about 30 minutes ago about the-” Liam Started

“Yes sir, right this way. We have a room ready for him.” The nurse motioned for them to follow. 

She took them to their room, and let them get situated. Liam texted Louis, and told him and ashton to get ahold of the other boys to let them know what was going on, and hopefully keep this all off the news,

A doctor came in to get Michaels weight, height, and blood pressure. They then did some bloodwork to check his drug levels, to see what the medicine was doing.

They were happy to inform the boy that they had caught the ibuprofen early enough to stop it before it could do any harm.

They had him drink an orange drink to help with his potassium levels, then sent in a physiatrist. 

“You want me to leave?” Liam questioned. He wanted Michael to feel comfortable.

“No. Please stay. I don’t want to be alone.”

“Okay, you sure?”

“Yeah.”

The physiatrist walked in, and began trying to talk to him.

“So what made you take these pills, Michael?”

“I don’t know”

“Okay.. How many did you take?”

“I don’t know.”

“Alrigty then. Are there any events that have happened recently that would make you want to harm yourself?”

“I don’t know.”

The doctor sighed. 

“Michael, I hate to tell you, but taking the pills doesn’t make you forget. If you don’t start talking soon, we’ll have to admit you for close observation.” 

Michael sighed.

“I'll give you the basics of what happened. I was supposed to propose to my girlfriend, and she canceled. I went out with my friends, best friends, to cheer myself up. I saw her kissing someone else. Then some people called me f-fat and w-worthless and I can’t handle it anymore” He choked out

“I see.” The doctor wrote some things on his notepad. 

“I’ll leave you be for a little bit.” Then he walked out.

As soon as he left, Michael started bawling. 

Liam walked over and hugged him. Louis walked in, and Ashton followed with red eyes. 

Liam moved out of the way, to make room for ashton. Ashton and Michael looked at eachother, then Ashton walked over and gave him a hug. 

Nobody said anything. 

About 3 hours later, a doctor came in and released them. They had tried to keep Michael for a day or two of observation, but Liam not-so-politely declined. 

It was now 5 in the morning. 

Liam filled out the papers for the dismissal, then they left. It was an awkward silence, with nobody really ready to talk about it. 

Everyone in the band had been informed of the situation and was told not to say anything about it. 

The all climbed into Liam’s car. Harry had to come get Louis’ for something earlier, and began the drive home.

Michael was stuck in his own thoughts. What if their fans found out what he had done? What if they would think of him as weak? What would they think of him?

They pulled into the driveway. 

Ashton and Michael climbed out of the car. Michael went inside while Ashton talked to Louis and Liam for a few minutes. 

He went inside and climbed into his bed,

A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door. Michael didn’t say anything. It was Ashton. He walked in the room, and stood in the doorway.

“It’ll be alright. I don’t want to say I know what you’re going through, because I don’t, but It’ll be okay.”

They stood in silence for a few minutes.

“We’ll get through this. Together.” He shot him a slight smile, and left him to get some sleep.