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void-tiger · 1 year ago

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Thinking about you, even when I can’t be around you, I want to be better, and want better for myself. I feel brave enough to be ambitious.

And when anxiety isn’t eating away at either of us? I can finally feel safe enough to be at rest. Not need to fade away or else be “on” all the time. (I still want you to feel as comfortable teasing me playfully and cracking jokes directly with me and letting yourself ramble that you are seemingly with everyone else, though. That’s how I truly know I’m connected to someone.)

In short, I miss you. And it has nothing to do with your travels.

#tiger’s musings #…I’m so damn smitten uuuuugh.#…BUT. clearly as much as it hurts. it’s also given me that Nudge to resume goals I had to set aside for years #due to mental and physical health stomping on me #and well. wanting a Newish Person having a good impression of you is a helluva motivator #buuuuut… there’s only so much steam Future Hope can give. (same as rage.)#I…really do need us to be able to talk and hang out now #sorry to be actually clingy but.#(…we’ll see. we’llseewe’llseewe’llsee.)#(he did finally acknowledge a stupid comment I made to an anti colonizers joke he made so there’s that)#((gosh. the more I Can learn about him. the more I like him.))#((and the little I don’t like I do think I can quietly say ‘hey so that actually upset me’ if he didn’t pick up on it nonverbally #(((it is. nuts. that things are 80% nonverbal. that this is how we’re largely learning eachother. and I do think it’s a twoway observation)#((and yeah. I feel like I’m going insane with that. BUT he’s either good at it or practiced at it #((and at this point I swear I know a lot of his Tells…while not knowing what he actually Likes #((BUT I think I have a good idea about what he values so))#((but…yeah. IF we can get out of this rut. I think he would truly listen to me and not get mad that I’m upset #((he and his family HAVE shown that they’re not phased by mental health whatsoever. even with me #((if anything. they’re more distant when I try putting on a brave smiling face #((instead of. say. getting a bit bossy or snippy.#((and…who’s actually like that?? what is this?? wHAT?!))#(BUT! Actual Verbal Commimication vs Nonverbal Is Hard.)

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